Ain't no Joy in that bundle
Big Mac makes the big decision
Big Mac makes the big decision
Big Mac, the horse himself, was bucking fully grown apple trees at sweet apple acres. It was a scorching October as usual and he was sweating as much as he always does, no matter though, sweat is nature’s lube.
“Oh, well howdy brother of mine. I expected you to be down here.” Applejack said as she casually walked up to Big Mac as he excitedly bucked the tree, harvesting those sweet tender apples.
“Phew, howdy there unimportant sister of mine.” Big mac said, wiping the sweat off of his mane. As the two siblings stared deeply into each other’s souls a large slimy looking apple(?) fell from the tree.
“Woah, that apple(?) there looks kinda weird don’t ya think?” Applejack asked.
“Maybe it just ain’t ripe yet.” Big Mac said, confused as the beige, veiny looking apple(?) pulsated.
“Let’s bring it back to the trailer park, so we could give ‘er a lookin’ at.” Applejack said.
----------------------------------------BACK AT THE TRAILER FARM----------------------------------
“What are ya darn kids doin’ bringin’ that filthy lookin’ thing into ma trailer/farm!? don’t ya’ll make me git out the beatin’ stick!” Granny Smith yelled.
“It’s jus’ an apple(?) gram gram! Don’t worry, were goin’ eat it!” Applejack said reassuringly.
“Let’s dig in!” Before Big Mac could peel the apple(?) the top of it split into four parts and created a hole.
“What th-” But before Applejack could finish her sentence two facehuggers jumped out of the apple(?) and latched onto both Bic Mac and Applejack’s faces. After ten minutes of the both of them wriggling around on the floor the facehuggers finally loosened their grip and shrivelled up.
“Oh gosh, I think one of them creatures laid an egg in mah chest! Applejack! Did it do it to you too?” Big Mac said as he stared at Applejack’s motionless body. “Applejack? Why is yer face so purple?” Big mac opened her mouth and saw an egg lodged in her throat.
“Gram Gram! Applejack died again and I think I’m pregnant!” Big Mac yelled.
“Gad dangit! I ain’t payin’ no child support, the two of ya is already enuf! Go get a new Applejack from the basement and go get that thing aborted!” Granny Smith said.
“B-but gram gram...what about me?” A malnourished and skinny looking Applebloom said sheepishly.
“We could only clone the strong one deary.” Granny Smith said.
Big Mac began the unfreezing process and then made his way to the local abortion clinic.
“Alright doc, I’m ready!” Big Mac said as he got ready to embrace the coat hanger.
Just before Doctor Horse was about to abort the abomination from inside of him with his handy dandy coat hanger, he stopped and said. “Oh wait, abortion is evil, and besides, Celestia banned it after she nuked the gays.”
“B-but Doc...I’m gonna die if ya don’t do this.” Big Mac said.
“Sorry Mac, I just can’t.” Doctor Horse sighed. “I guess I’ll have to go back to harvesting organs for money now.”
“How come you're the only Doctor around here if you only know how to abort babies and harvest organs?” Big Mac asked.
“I got my degree online, now get out of my clinic.” Doctor Horse said.
Big Mac decided to make his way to the local 7/11 convenience store. As he walked into the store an unpleasant concoction of shit and curry hit his nose, but it didn’t bother Big Mac that much because he was used to this smell, as all 7/11’s smell like this.
“Hello Big Mac, come for your palm reading and morning coffee again?” A rather indian looking horse said from behind the counter.
“No Raj, not today. I came here for the Plan B pills.” Big Mac said.
“Well you're struck out of luck my friend, ever since that incident with Pinkie Pie attempting to legalize marijuana, Celestia has banned Plan B pills.” Raj said.
“Darn.” Big Mac said as he walked out of the 7/11. As Big Mac walked out of the 7/11 he felt something wriggling around inside of him. “Oh no, not now, I ain’t ready to be a dad!” As Big Mac was done with his sentence, a xenomorph bursted out of his chest, spraying a viscera of blood in all directions and killing Big Mac instantly. After ten minutes of the creature squirming around in Big Mac’s mutilated chest it licked it’s lips and decided to go do what any xenomorph does best.
“Spike you bastard! Where’d you hide my blow!?” Twilight screamed at Spike in a withdrawal fueled rage.
“It’s for your own good Twilight! That stuff was frying your brain!” Spike yelled back.
“That’s it! I’ve had it with you!” Twilight said, breaking one of the many empty beer bottles scattered around her room. Before she could thrust it into Spike’s tiny body the door bursted open. They both looked back to see a Xenomorph standing in the doorway, holding a mutilated corpse. It dropped it and made a beeline towards Twilight and Spike. Twilight attempted to defend herself with the bottle, but it didn’t do anything. The Xenomorph immediately started tearing her apart.
“HEEEELLLPPP, SPIKE PLEASE!” Twilight yelled.
“Nah, I’m good.” Spike said before quickly running into into his room and barricading the door behind him. “I need to write a letter to Celestia, she’ll know what to do.” Spike wrote a letter as fast as he could, when he was done he prepared his fire breath so he could send the letter. Just as he breathed fire onto the letter the Xenomorph bursted through the door and got caught in the fire with the letter.
“So, what do you think guard?” Celestia said, staring at the guard.
“Uh, I’m not sure who’s side to take.” The confused guard said.
“Well, would you rather have my idea to burn the homeless for fuel? Or have Celestia’s idea to use them as food?” Luna said.
Just as the guard opens his mouth he burps and a letter comes out of his mouth. “Um, why did that just happen?”
“Oh, you must be standing where I usually get my letters.” Celestia said.
“Well then, that’s odd.” Luna said.
“Yes, quite.” The guard said. After an awkward minute of the three of them staring at each other with smiles, the guard suddenly exploded and a Xenomorph stood in his place.
“Quick! Sister! We must kill this vile creature!” Luna said as she prepared herself for battle.
Celestia unloaded her trusty Smith & Wesson, Model 500 .44 Magnum into Luna.
“But sister...why?” Luna said as she sat on the ground, bleeding to death.
“We aren’t savages sister, don’t kill babies.” As soon as Celestia was done saying that the Xenomorph pounced her and then started chowing down on her delicious face.
And that’s how a Xenomorph became the king of Equestria.
Author's Note
and that's why abortion is wrong everybody!
this girl had a horribly mutated face and she didn't get aborted, everyone needs a chance.
