The Conversion Bureau: Obsolete

by Alex Prior

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 3901

Xenolestia, having conquered yet another world, runs into something new. Something... Unexpected.

Her Royal Highness, Queen Celestia, is a multiversal conqueror. Her might is known throughout several Earths and many accompanying galaxies. The losing races she converts, and then she moves on to the next ones.

But her conquests are mostly confined to worlds that have not had alien visitors before. It is a convenience she has enjoyed, but every good thing must come to an end.

Especially since her newest target has already been invaded. And now, Xenolestia has to face her biggest challenge yet.

Competition.

Published 2015-10-27 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-02 16:37:12 UTC

Chapter The First: Exploration

Xenolestia grinned victoriously. Another planet converted, another world bound to her will. Her power was at an all-time peak. With nary a thought, she ripped another portal into existence.

“You know the drill, my little ponies. There are many Earths still to be enlightened. Go forth,” she spoke with faux-kindness in her voice. “Go forth. Establish contact. Make me proud.”

Her eternally-loyal Newfoals marched though the newly-established portal, ready to establish First Contact. Xenolestia smiled. This world would be an easy one to convert, she could tell. It’s what her instincts told her.

The aforementioned instincts were abruptly turned on their heads as she recieved a distress signal from the recently-departed Newfoals. She frowned in consternation. What in her name was the matter? Did the latest batch have too much panic added?
She strode confidently through the portal and immediately, the distress was clear.

Draconequi.

Patchwork creatures of all sizes, shapes, and limbs; some had multiple heads; others lacked even those. And all were staring at her in undisguised curiousity. Xenolestia steeled herself in preparation.

“Greetings. My name is Queen Celestia of New Equestrian Empire. I come in peace. Could I perhaps request a meeting with your leader?”

The draconequi exchanged glances. One of them, resembling a spidery snake, spoke up hesitantly. “We’re sorry, erm, your Highness. But we don’t have the authority to contact the Council of Harmony. But perhaps, er...” It seemed to realize something, and trailed off. Xenolestia frowned. She had not expected this.

“I see. Then perhaps I should elaborate on us. We are peaceful explorers, occasionally missionaries. I am certain that between any of us, we can figure something out.” Internally, the mare was seething. Discord, the only draconequus she knew, was an inherently magical creature. There was no way her usual approach would work on these Earth draconeq- ‘Wait a second. I did open a portal to Earth, didn’t I? So where are all the humans?’

She addressed the patchwork creatures once more. “I must say I find myself curious. I could have sworn our researh team opened the portal to a human world, yet you are certainly not them. Where would they live?”

This time, all the creatures visibly flinched. “We are not allowed to speak to any aliens about it. But we think you should really find a way to contact the Council.” With a flash of light, the surrounding area was empty. Xenolestia pursed her lips.

“Set up camp, my little ponies. We will get to the bottom of this matter.”

The draconequi did not appear the next day, nor the one after that. Xenolestia and her cadre of Newfoals kept getting more and more antsy by the hour. As the third day drew to a close, Newfoal Swift Lance finally summed the wait up in a few simple words: “Your Highness, this is stupid.”

That also happened to be what shook Xenolestia out of her stupor. “I beg your pardon, Lieutenant?”

Swift Lance huffed. “Ya heard me, Your Highness. It’s stupid. There is no point in sitting here and waiting for somepony who’ll never show up. Let’s just call the Elements and let’s go find whoever is in charge. They ain’t coming to us, are they?”

Xenolestia felt a smile ghost across her face. That was exactly the reason she’d left the Newfoals an ability to snark at her; she really needed it.

Well, that, and her first attempt at Newfoals, with their constant smiling, had unnerved even her, but who was counting?

“Well thought, Lieutenant. Private Nimble Arrow? Please inscribe a message. I’ll set up a Barrier.”

As she lit her horn, the Newfoals saluted. Nimble Arrow produced a scroll. “Ready, Your Highness.”

Xenolestia cleared her throat.

“My dearest Twilight Sparkle.

As you are no doubt aware, I have established contact with a new world once again, and am currently on the planet.
However, a problem has arisen.

Please gather the Elements, and meet me in Base Camp. We have much to discuss.

Your teacher,
Her Royal Highness Queen Celestia.

P.S. Bring Discord.”

Nimble Arrow furrowed his brows. “Discord, your Highness? Aren’t you afraid--”

“That he will defect?” finished Xenolestia with a smile. “Worry not, Private. I’m counting on it.” The Private shied away from her devious grin.

In a volcanic lair hidden in a group of islands formerly known as Hawaii, a shadowy group converged.

“We have visitors.”

“Ha! Not just any visitors. Pony visitors.”

“....”

“Right you are, my silent pal! We haven’t seen ponies since wayyy before the Great Change!”

“Indeed.”

“Oh cheer up, my good fellow! There’s finally ponies here, and-”

“Enough.”

A feminine shape slithered from the shadows. “This is not in fact a spot of celebration. It could have otherworldly consequences.” She surveyed the sufficiently cowed group, before speaking up again.

“We shall send the Founder.” A glare quelled any potential protests. “Perhaps he would be able to show them what we are trying to accomplish here.”

“....”

“Oh. I see. You think they might start to suspect? Good. Let them. We don’t want any... surprises, shall we say, when they do find out, now do we?”

Twilight Sparkle stepped through the portal and looked around. The Newfoals had put up a warehouse in an impressive amount of time. HRH Celestia’s corner of the building was clearly marked with a simple, makeshift throne.

The aforementioned throne was precisely where she found her eternal ruler, draped over her royal seat, seemingly in deep thought. Or at least Twilight hoped it was deep thought. The snores weren’t particularly encouraging.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Your Highness.”

The alicorn startled awake. “I wasn’t asleep!”

“Of course not, Your Highness,” droned Twilight with a roll of her eye. Her teacher might have been a fanatic power-hungry xenophobe, but at least she could always maintain her image in public.

Twilight Sparkle just happened to be very good at narrative mind-snarking.

Seeing as her answer warranted no response, Twilight turned her gaze back toward her Queen. Predictably enough, she was asleep again. She glanced back towards the portal, where the Elements were manouvering Discord’s statue through the fissure in space-time. She sighed.

“Your Highness,” -she ignored HRH’s weakened protests about not being asleep- “We are all here, and we brought Discord. Why did you call for us?”

Xenolestia glanced right. She glanced left. She looked straight into Twilight’s unamused expression, before encasing both into a sound bubble.

“Twilight?”

“Yes, Rarity?”

Xenolestia mock-glared. “If you could concentrate. This world? I think we’re not the first ones here.”

Twilight blinked. “That’s not the first time we have stumbled into the middle of an invasion, Your Highness. And the last time, it wasn't nearly as bad as to require Discord. What exactly is going on, my Lady?”

The Solar Queen sighed. “Frankly, we may be in over our heads here. The planet is full of Draconequi.”

For her credit, Twilight didn’t bat an eyelid. “And the forest is full of Alicorns, Your Highness.” She maintained her cool expression, even as her mind was working furiously. “A planetful of Draconequi just don't appear out of nowhere, Your Highness. There need to be traces, magical scars, ruptured leylines, anything! It is precisely the reason we don’t drop Equestria in the middle of a planet without any thought to potential consequences, and it's why we maintain the portal networks between conquered planets. Have the field mages done any scans at all?”

Xenolestia shook her head. “We haven’t been able to get any of our matrixes to work, Twilight. The current Newfoals are too inept to-”

“Which is exactly why you need to expand on schools and proper magical education before going on to conquer the next planet along the line, Your Highness.” Twilight Sparkle adjusted her spectacles. “However you managed to survive before I came along is a mystery for the ages.”

The Solar Queen frowned. “Back then, I only had the one planet to rule. And if I recall correctly, it was you who established first contact.”

The unicorn gave a sharp nod. “That is correct, your Highness. But I believe we are going off on a tangent. What is your standard contingency plan for a planetful of Discord’s species?”

“...mrhhhvnn...”

“Pardon, Your Highness?”

The Alicorn looked away. “I have none. I never imagined...”

Twilight could only facehoof. “Infinite Multiverse, Your Highness. Infinite possibilities. Honestly, am I the only one around here with a doctorate in Multiversal Theory?”

The Alicorn merely hung her head.

A dark shape was in flight.

Effortlessly, it glided over lakes and soared over mountains. It had been given a mission. A diplomatic one.

With a banking of his wings, the creature avoided a collision with an airship, giving a small wave to the passengers.

It swooped into an ice cream factory on the way, grabbing itself a chocolate popsicle. And still it flew.

The creature had a single goal in mind. A newly-erected warehouse in former Lithuania. It grinned to itself.

At long last, there were ponies again.

Author's Note

So!

My own attempt at the Conversion Bureau genre. Unlike many anti-fics that cast Xelly as a Complete Monster, and the pro-fics that cast her as an Unapproachable Goddess, I have put a bored queen in there. What can I say? I like doing things differently.

So, let's pack our hats, and let's see where this goes.
:::;)

Chapter The Second: Establishment

As the Barrier was slowly but surely stretching outward from the Base Camp, the Elements of Harmony were preparing to unleash an ancient being of Chaos into the world.

Twilight gazed over the six ponies with a wide grin. Her Royal Highness had briefed her in her plans. She had to agree; it was a delicious idea.

“Begin.”

At her command, the Element Beares rose into the air. Laughter began glowing a gentle blue. Kindness followed with lush forest green, with Generosity at her coattails with a twilight purple. One by one, the Elements lit up, soon glowing with great intensity. A brilliant six-pronged rainbow connected the ponies, before bathing the proud statue in rainbows.

Cracks began forming into Discord’s prison. Flecks of stone began falling under the intensity of the Elements. The Draconequus, proud in his stance, strained his limbs. As the Rainbow of Light gave its last push, the prison exploded.

Shards of granite rained down on the coughing ponies as the former occupant stood tall, testing out his newfound freedom. With a snap, he had conjured himself a coat and a cane, complete with a top hat.

And he laughed. Clouds of cotton candy converged above his cackling form as an unknown orchestra was pelting out dischord after dischord.

Personally, Twilight found it rather boring. Her passion lied in science and politics, not music. Nonetheless, she considered the moment to be a prudent one for opening her mouth.

“Greetings, Discord.”

The Draconequus froze. He turned. His eyes widened. His pupils shrank. In a flash, his gleeful expression was gone, and his muzzle was pressed on hers. “YOU.”

It was not a happy greeting. The Lord of Chaos was quite livid, and it showed. Admittedly, the burning, Aku-like eyebrows might have been a clue. Unfortunately, Discord didn’t let her muse long on his appearance.

“You are the reason my friends are dead.” The music stopped. “It was your greed that cost me the only friendship I’ve ever known. And you STILL live?” His breathing was becoming ragged, as his rage was clearly fighting with something else, something the unicorn didn't recognize. Twilight leveled him a cool glare.

“Silence, Discord. Their deaths are precisely your own fault. While I must admit that yes, I do live with it, I do have to confess that it is not something that bothers me much.” She allowed herself a smile. “But let bygones be bygones, Discord. We are here to set your noodly flank free. I do hope you’re being grateful here.”

Discord glared. “Frankly, Twilight Sparkle, I don’t particularly care. I will not be falling for any of your tricks and you know what, I will not be letting you out of my sight.”

Twilight’s expression grew cold. “No, Discord. You will leave. After all,” and here she smiled pleasantly, “We even found you a planet to live on.”

A gasp was heard behind her. The Element of Laughter flew to her. “Twilight! Have you forgotten what he did? We can’t let him roam free!”

The spectacled unicorn frowned. “I haven’t forgotten, my niece. But orders are orders, and I feel it would be for the best in the long run.”

“Which is exactly why I’ll be staying here to keep an eye on you,” interjected the Lord of Chaos. “I don't trust any of your plans, nor you behind them.”

Twilight’s expression remained unchanged. “I must go and inform Her Royal Highness of this development.” She turned tail and walked away in calm, measured steps.

The Element of Honesty trotted up to Discord. “Who you trust or won’t trust is irrelevant. Whatever you do, you will be playing straight to our hooves anyway.” With that parting remark, and a condescending pat on his back, she trotted off to find Laughter.

He flew.

Across rivers and mountains he flew.

Over cities and towns he soared.

Through forests and jungles he glided.

All with one, singular goal in mind.

To find them.

To see them.

To know he had not gone mad.

To, perhaps, just perhaps...

Hope.

“Silver?”

No answer. The asker frowned. “Silver, dearie. Where are you?”

Silence. She sighed. “Silver, It’s Luna.” No answer was forthcoming. Luna closed her eyer in resignation. Her charge must’ve been hiding somewhere in the manor.

Luna slinked through the empty halls, occasionally calling for Silver. She paused in front of a large, hall-length mirror.

The reflective surface showed her an image she did not want to see. A massive serpentine shape, bound in scales of lush forest green and flaming orange. With a sigh, she lifter her metallic hoof and shattered the mirror. If it weren’t for Silver, she’d have no mirrors in the manor at all. Luna called out again.

“I broke a mirror, darling. Wouldn’t you like to fix it? Like you always do?”

Silence. Luna sighed and trotted forth.

Once again, the council held a meeting.

“They have put up a barrier of some sort, my lady.”

“....”

“Our spectrometers have not been able to glean any details from there.”

“Oh don’t be such a worrywart, good chap! I’m sure we just frightened them a little, and it’ll all be cleared up in half an hour or so.”

“....”

“Oh, you have something to add, Scar?”

The silent one remained immobile. Then scores of symbols began appearing in the air, eventually forming a crown shape.

“Wow.”

“Good heavens! Are you sure, my friend?”

Pause. Nod.

“Hmph.”

“My lady?”

The seemingly slumbering shape rose. “I do not like this. Has the Founder arrived there yet?”

Pause. The crown symbols shifted and dispersed, leaving a new shape resembling wings. There was a feminine growl.

“He’s STILL in flight? What in the name of the Stars is that old fool doing!?”

There was collective shrugging. A sound not unlike an equine snort was heard.

“He better show up quickly. Too much is at stake for him to forfeit now.”

Her cohorts showed only agreement.

Xenolestia was in an amiable mood when Twilight arrived.

“There you are, Twilight. How’s Discord?”

The unicorn bowed. “He is showing high levels of paranoia towards us, Your Highness. He also does not trust us.”

The alicorn snorted. “Of course he doesn’t. Why should he? Considering what your battle took, it’s a wonder he’s even here. I take it he’s not defecting, then?”

Twilight shook her head. “He is not.”

The Solar Queen clapped her front hooves together. “Well then! Let us leave the Elements to look after him for now.” She leaned forward. “So tell me, my trusted advisor. Have you thought of getting those fancy wings back?”

Twilight sighed. “I have, Your Highness. The answer is still no. You know why. You are our leader. It is not my position to undermine it with a sudden gaining of wings. Our ponies need to look up to you, not me.” She fixed her Queen a glare. “It is not like you have forgotten what happened last time.”

Xenolestia shrugged her wings. “Worth a try, Twilight. Worth a try.”

Author's Note

I think I like creating mysteries. All the characters I've named, and some I haven't...

Let's play a game, people. Let us see if you can guess their identities, their 8ackstories.
Oftentimes, things aren't what they seem...

And reading is not the only fun that can 8e had here.
:::;)

Chapter The Third: Eidolon

The Founder bared his teeth as the golden Barrier came to view. He banked on his wings and glided effortlessly through it, breathing in the familiar yet distant Equestrian air. Oh, he could smell it any time he wanted, of course, but it was just not the same.

He spied a look down at the tear in spacetime, one that was spitting out various ponies of sizes, shapes and colors; he spotted a speck of gold and, upon swooping closer, he saw six gems so familiar yet distant; and he noticed a shape that nearly made him drop out of the air.

He made to land. The ponies with the gems, oh how he had forgotten their names... He’d forgotten their faces... He’d forgotten their... Those weren’t the same ponies, were they.
They had noticed him. They were pointing at him with shocked looks on their faces, and the Draconequus they were conversing with finally turned around.

The Founder stepped in front of the new one. Both examined the other, taking note in familiarities, in minute differences. Both reached a conclusion, and both spoke in tandem.

“Discord, I presume?”

Silver was hiding.

She was hiding from the world, and all the terrible things that came with it. She had hid herself within her own head, and had sworn to never leave. Her mind was working furiously over what she’d heard. And she wanted to unhear it.

She had burrowed deep into her tail and had not come out. She wished Clockwork’s daughter had never relayed the news. She wished Luna would just stop looking. She wished many things.

She wrapped her enormous bushy silver squirrel tail even tighter around her.

‘Why them? Why now? Has it not been enough? Of all possible chances, why them? Why this particular type?’

The silvery Draconequus shuddered.

‘If only Diamond were still here...’

Magic stared at the two identical Draconequi. She could not help it; she felt slight fear. She could faintly remember his rule, and she definitely remembered his madness. The madness that had cost her her friends. And now, there was two of him.

It settled the matter, in her mind; this world had seen his machinations before. The Unicorn stepped forward, adjusting her glasses. “Discord. Who might thine friend be?”

Her sentence had earned her annoyed looks from both Discords, which transformed into disbelief on one and delayed recognition on the other. The two exchanged glances.

“Is that...?”

“Looks like.”

“But how...?”

“Ask another statue, this one is busty.”

“You mean busy.”

“I meant what I said.”

True to his word, one of the Discords was now sporting a healthy pair of mammalian milk organs. The other had no other response besides a horrified stare. “This is one of the most disturbing things I have seen.”

The night-black unicorn slapped a hoof to her face. “What manner of crimes hath We committed to deserve this loathsome punishment?”

“Besides letting a crazed maniac go on a killing spree across at least five planets, and doing absolutely nothing to stop it, eventually getting yourself killed and subsequently reincarnated?”

Magic sighed. “We thank thee, fair Sugarcoat. Thou hast performed an action We most desperately needed.” She gave her fellow Element a half-lidded Look. “Not.”

A Discord took the moment of silence as an opportunity to ask where would the one in charge be. Laughter pointed him towards the Royal Other Throne Room. Many intermittent relationships between hooves and correspondent faces bloomed, afore immediate separations.

The former Princess Luna gave a despondent sigh. No, things were very much not going her way.

World’s most symmetrical Draconequus clicked her television shut with a growl. It was bad enough that she was completely unable to gather any sympathizers, but now a new group just had to show up out of nowhere? Some insignificant flightless lowlives that just happened to run across aliens? Bah!

She trotted out of her cloudhouse and snapped her wings into a glide. She needed to consult with someone, anyone to figure out what to do next.

Luckily, she had just the person in mind...

Twilight Sparkle snapped her book shut. A flash of familiarity, perhaps even nostalgia, had just gone through her mind. She decided it wasn’t important.

The Symmetrical One landed lightly in front of a large, unassuming manor. She knocked three times in quick succession. A twin-colored face appeared from beyond the door. A pair of eyes widened.

“You! What are you doing here?”

The arrival smiled, folding her wings. “Hello, Luna. May I come in?”

In an area now known as Qurac, a group of reptilian, insectile, and otherwise predatory creatures held a meeting.

“Order! Order! I call our 321st meeting to order.”

An old, bearded serpentine creature surveyed the ragtag group he had gathered. He clicked his leg onto the floor. “Your attention, PLEASE!”

Seeing the others be shocked into silence, he continued. “I have chosen you out of many, for you are all old enough to remember and understand what happened to us. I have chosen you for your determination. For your sense in what’s right.

“I am old. I have seen people grow and cities crumble. I have seen The Great Wave as it swept across the lands, forever transforming anyone in its path. I was already old when I was turned, and so I understand living far more than most on this planet.

“And because of that, I have come to a conclusion. We cannot die. Even taking into account the numerous injuries we can sustain, we cannot die from them. No matter how much we wish to do so.

“The Council has decreed death to be against the law. It seems that no matter how much we try to remain free, something always gets in our way.

Up until now, we have been called the Storm Liberation Front, and I have been Thunder, its leader foremost. Up until now, we have tried to keep the last bastion of sanity, the purity of natural weather, from extinction.

Our goal has not failed. But soon, it will no longer matter. Visitors from another world have arrived once again, and it is my hope that they will bring us salvation.

“From now on, we shall be known as Earthlings For Mortality. And I will be Death’s Advocate. They will forever know me as the Oncoming Storm. And then, maybe then...

“We can finally become mortal again.

“Are you with me?”

“YEAH!!!”

Author's Note

Despite reveals, identity guesses are still open.
And I do hope questions remain.

::::)