The One Where Pinkie Gets Evenby Justice3442ChaptersChapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable VictoryChapter 3: NowheresverseChapter 4: All Play and No Work Makes Discord a Sane DraconequusChapter 5: Reflection and InfractionsChapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the NetherhoodChapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable VictoryThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable Victory Discord tapped his dragon foot impatiently as he stared at his door. A door which he had changed to a simple wooden one with a small windowed arch near the top. The idea was that the door would look warm and inviting, hopefully soothing over… Oh what did Plant Embracer call them? Bad vibes? Yes… those things. Hopefully the door would soothe the bad vibes that Discord expected to arrive courtesy of one Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was usually here to reprimand him by now, often bringing Fluttershy to help smooth things over. It’s not that Discord was eager for this to happen, just eager for it to be over. He’d gone through the exercise several times already. Once with each of Twilight’s friends and Twilight herself. It was assumed, wrongly so, that Pinkie would have had the easiest time with Discord next to Fluttershy. In fact, she would have been second to venture into his realm had her busy schedule of throwing parties, working the bakery, and babysitting not interfered. Discord sighed and examined a mess of gray tape and cardboard hastily colored over with bright pink marker. He had gone to such lengths to make replacement hair too, and… No… This was ridiculous… This would not do at all… Discord snapped his talon, summoning a bottle of glue that he sprayed all over the ‘hair’. With another click, the glue was now diamond… like pink glitter, which he dumped all over the sticky mass. There. Pinkie would love it, and he would present it to her as soon as… Discord paused, waiting for a knock on the door. Silence. … AS SOON AS A CERTAIN PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP GOT HER ACT TOGETHER AND ACTUALLY SHOWED UP! Discord let out a huff. He couldn’t very well just sit here waiting all da— The light in Discord’s realm suddenly disappeared, replaced by darkness, the squeaking of bats, and the sound of tiny rockets. Well, he couldn’t very well sit here waiting all ni— Light suddenly pierced the darkness, darkness letting out a death rattle as it’s horrible existence was vanquished by a puncture wound inflected by day. Well, Discord couldn’t very well spend all vaguely-defined time period waiting around to be lectured at! The lawn was going through an Emo phase and had cut itself. His dishes had gotten tired of being covered in filth and mold and had escaped to his shower, deciding to simultaneously wash themselves and the ancient soap scum from his shower walls. Discord sighed. His flower garden had miraculously exiled all the salt he carefully seeded and was flourishing once again! Worst of all, the salt had been exiled to his weed garden where it declared itself the ruling class and now ruled over ‘Weedtopia’ with an iron fist. … Discord would probably let that last one slide for now. BUT THE OTHER THINGS! Those were all things that required his attention. He couldn’t wait anymore. If Twilight wouldn’t come to lecture him, he would simply have to go to her and lecture the princess about lecturing him. Discord opened his door and stepped out of his shifting realm into a hallway in Canterlot castle. He began walking. Princesses Celestia and Luna insisted he be easy to get ahold of should they need of him or his skills, and admittedly the location meant an endless parade of stuffy nobles to mess with. Neither of the princesses currently taking residence seemed to protest to that, however he often caught an earful from their stuffy scheduling advisor Kibitz. Sadly, he had promised not to mess with the castle staff too much… Besides, he had to admit ‘Kibitz’ had a bit of a ring to it. ‘Honk!’ Discord jumped. Had he… Did he just step on a bicycle horn? Lifting his dragon foot revealed a curly brass bike horn with a red rubber squeezer. How… How had he not sensed that before stepping on it? Had he been that lost in thought that he simply missed it? It couldn’t be… No… Discord dismissed the pink pony that began hopping through his thoughts almost as immediately as she appeared. Or rather, it was much more likely Pinkie simply dropped it on her way in or out. He had more important matters at the moment than entertaining the notion that Pinkie could somehow sneak objects in his wake without him noticing them. For instance, he needed to decide how to travel to Twilight’s castle. Teleportation? Hmmm… Too mundane… Too desperate-looking. He should take his time on this. Train? Way too mundane. Way too much time, even for an immortal. Zeppelin? Also a bit slow. And there was a slight possibility it’d catch fire and crash on approach to Ponyville. Rocket-propelled Zeppelin? Discord smiled. Much faster. Almost guaranteed to catch fire and crash on approach to Pony— ‘CRACK!’ There was a miniature explosion under Discord’s hoof that sent him leaping into the air. Seemed he had stepped on a smallpopper. Little more than a piece of paper filled with volatile powder that cracks when disturbed. This was more than coincidence. Discord allowed himself a chuckle and kept walking. Alright, Pinkie. Props for surprising someone as old as Equestria itself, but it’ll take more than a few noise makers to… ‘Squish!’ Discord’s shoulders slumped. … There’s a pie on my hoof. Discord leaned down while simultaneously bringing his foot up, effectively turning his body into a ‘C’ shape as he inspected the pie. Apple. He took a bite. Delicious. He quickly unhinged his jaw and placed it over the pie, sliding his mouth back and swallowing. A pie-shaped lump made it down his throat and into his tubelike body before seemingly hitting something inside him with a solid ‘thunk’ and disappearing. Discord looked down the hall. Empty. Mostly because he was now a few steps away from exiting the hallway. It was incredibly unlikely he’d step in something between where he stood now and the entrance into the foyer. … Walking was overrated anyhow. Discord picked his hoof off the ground with his lion paw and then his dragon foot off the ground with his eagle talon. He floated through the hallway into the foyer... ‘POP!’ ‘PHOOOOWEEEEEEE!’ ‘POP!’ ‘BOOM!’ … where he was assailed by a cacophony of pops, booms, and other noises as confetti pelted him from all angles. Clearly, Pinkie had brought her ‘A’ game. Discord felt the kettle in his head come to a boiling point. Alright, forget Twilight! If little miss pink prankster thinks she can sprinkle a few well-placed traps out for me and just get away with it, she’s got another thing coming. Discord snapped his eagle talon and was suddenly outside Canterlot castle. Floating above the structure in what was a fairly typical, gentle, boring day of weather for the ponies. He scowled down at Ponyville. With another ‘snap’ of his talon, a blood-red zeppelin hung in the air like a predator ready to strike. A really fat, floating predator that lacked teeth, claws, a mouth… really anything except what a giant floating blood-red balloon with fins and fans at the back might have, but a predator nonetheless. Discord examined the front of the zeppelin, stroking his beard. A lightbulb appeared over his head. A lightbulb he grabbed and unscrewed, revealing a marker underneath the glass bulb. He quickly zipped about the front of the zeppelin adding angry eyes and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. He floated back to admire his work. Well… it was a start… still not intimidating enough. Discord’s eyes widened. Soon he had created and attached the world’s largest hockey mask and the world’s largest side-mounted chainsaw to what was now the world’s scariest zeppelin. Equally terrifying to those it approached and those riding it, especially with the added rockets. Speaking of those riding it, there was just one more thing missing… An orchestra. Strings, woodwinds, and yes… even a slew of trombones. As confused as the ponies where, they were professionals and understood they still had a job to do. Besides, some of the classical music playing ponies had experience with suddenly being teleported while in the middle of a concert. These things just sort of happen, you know? The chainsaw-wielding, hockey-masked zeppelin lurched forwards as rockets quickly accelerated it towards Ponyville. From atop the zeppelin, wearing a wide brimmed green army hat and combat pants, Discord could smell the burning rocket fuel as the wind whipped past him. It smelled like… …victory. Chapter 3: NowheresverseThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 3: Nowheresverse Well, things were off to a fantastic start. The giant ‘whirring’ chainsaw made the zeppelin incredibly uneven and the hockey mask made it front-heavy. Yet the rockets propelled it forward at a swift speed which turned the whole thing into a quick, but somehow also lumbering, sky beast. The orchestra was in near complete disarray, producing a discorded sound of panicked yelps, attempts to play the violin or flute with the odd ‘blat’ of a trombone. Only a single gray earth pony mare with a treble clef cutie mark and pink bowtie continued to play the cello almost as if everypony wasn’t on a zeppelin that had now caught fire from the rockets and was speeding towards a populated city. Such a professional, that one. Discord mused as he watched the chaos he had created with a profound sense of satisfaction. He looked up at the ever-approaching Ponyville. Sugarcube corner? Hmmmmm… No… That’s upping things too quickly… So far this is a harmless prank war of stepping on pies or small fireworks and hair-eating… I should park out of the way and maybe just fill Pinkie’s lungs with taffy when I see her next. Besides, I don’t think Twilight would quite forgive me for the Equineity of a fiery blimp crash that killed many ponies. Discord glanced down the side of the blimp, waiting for a violent tilt to make the gondola full of orchestra ponies visible. With a series of yelps and the frantic sound of ponies trying to play their instruments, a pile of the ponies soon appeared. Discord snapped his fingers equipping each pony with a bike helmet, elbow and knee pads, and instructions of what to do in case a Boeing 747 was about to crash. There, that ought to do it. Discord looked forward. Let’s see… if I maintain current trajectory I should land fiery and loudly on… the school. Discord frowned, he’d never hear the end of that one, and when you’re immortal and live with other immortals ‘never’ could very well mean ‘never’. He clapped his lion paw and talon together, producing a small joystick on a squashed-square platform with a single red button in the corner. He quickly pulled the joystick to the right, pitching the zeppelin away from the school. There was a ‘snap’ as the tethers holding the giant chainsaw in place broke from the sudden movement. ‘CRASH!’ “OH, COME ON!” Discord peered over the side, seeing he had successfully added the massive chainsaw to the very center of Ponyville Schoolhouse’s playground. Even now the chainsaw still motored, flinging bits of monkey bar and slide in all directions! What fun. Why, some pink filly with a purple-and-white mane was there, likely in awe of the wonderful new addition. “You’re welcome, young pony!” Discord shouted down. “I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BUY YOU AND SELL YOU TO A CIRCUS!” came the response from below. Wow! So delighted was this child, she wanted to send Discord to the circus. Discord felt something like pride well up inside him… or perhaps it was just the vibrations the zeppelin was making as it was shaken apart and all the combined screams of the ponies in it. Either way, the clock tower was about to have a very bad day in 3… 2… ‘KABOOOOOOOOOM!’ 1! Discord was on the ground in an instant, wearing a navy-blue pillbox hat with a gold emblem, a similarly-colored uniform with a small pair of gold wings pinned just over where his heart would be if it would only stop sneaking off when he wasn’t looking, and a matching skirt that went just below his knees. He reached up and pulled out a half-melted intercom out of the flaming gasbag and bent structure that was starting to sag closer and closer to the ground. “Welcome to Ponyville, ehhhhhhh... Local time is 12:42 PM,” He said as ponies screamed and galloped about as they saved their instruments and themselves before running off into town. “Ehhhhhhhhhh… We’d like to thank you for flying Air Discord. We know you don’t have any options when it comes to being teleported against your will, but we thank you for being such good sports about it.” The giant hockey mask suddenly broke free of the wreckage, its massive strap most likely burnt or melted by now. It rolled along its edge down a hill, landing inside a pond and sending a miniature tidal wave in all directions that soaked trees, ponies, and everything in the immediate area. Discord continued talking into his intercom, the cord which attached it to the rest of the zeppelin having melted off completely at this point, “Ehhhhhhhhh… The contents of the overhead bins might have shifted or caught fire during the flight, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah… Please remember Air Discord the next time you don’t have a choice about flying and don’t hesitate to suggest a good ‘ol engine fire to keep things interesting if you somehow choose to fly with somepony else. Ta-ta!” The gray earth pony cello player calmly walked by on all fours, carrying a large cello case on her back and helmet, knee and elbow pads still strapped on. Discord placed the intercom back in the melting structure which suddenly collapsed, violently sending a shower of twisted and burning metal in all directions. The mare continued walking, only adjusting her cello case as a piece of rubble banged into it, knocking it out of position slightly. “Just a second,” Discord said to the mare. The mare stopped, not bothering to turn as Discord floated up to her and presented her with a small pair of golden wings. “The captain wants to thank you for being such a good junior flier today.” The mare took the wings in a forehoof, and shifted so her cello case slid off her body. She caught it and gently placed it on the ground, opening it and placing the wings inside it before closing it again. “Ta,” she said simply as she put the case back on her back and continued trotting to Ponyville. Discord waved. A light-green pegasus holding a French horn… Wait… do ponies call them French horns? Do they have some stupid horse name for them? Anyhow… A light-green pegasus with a fiery-colored mane of fire holding a… twisty horn ran past Discord and fell into a roll as he descended a hill towards Ponyville. The roll caused the pony to go bald… or rather put out the fire that engulfed the pony’s head. Discord squinted slightly. Bald… bald… Right! Pinkie Pie! I need to… need to… Discord had the sinking feeling he was being watched. Which was strange, as he could usually tell when he was being watched by simply taking stock of whatever molecules that composed eyes were facing him. This was different… a sort of unnerving sense that caused the hairs on the back of his neck-body to stand up straighter than usual. Discord moved his head from side to side. Nopony around except those trotting, galloping, or crawling away from the burning wreckage. Discord moved his head from front to back only to see more of the same. He moved his head from down to u— Discord flinched slightly as he looked up. Somehow the clouds in the sky all resembled ponies. Ponies that seemed to be staring down at him… ponies without manes, yet a fluffy tai… Discord scowled, bent down so his skirt touched the ground, and lifted it up over his head. His outfit was replaced with brown boots, light-brown pants, a brown hunter’s coat, and a large brown-and-red hunting hat. He then unrumpled his stewardess outfit revealing a shotgun. Dropping the navy-blue outfit which collected into a watery puddle at his feet, Discord pointed his shotgun straight at the sky and opened fire. One by one, shot by shot, the clouds fell to the ground almost as if Discord was shooting birds out of the sky. Soon, the parts of the ground that weren’t still on fire were covered in a thick, hazy, vaguely pony shaped fog. “WHAT THE HECK?!” came a familiar cry of frustration quickly followed by a rainbow-colored dash which zoomed down towards the ground in front of Discord. The light-blue pony that owned both the voice and the dash glowered up at Discord. “What, they looked at me funny,” Discord said as he began polishing his shotgun. “They’re clouds!” Rainbow Dash said in irritation. “Wow! Racist much?” “I’m not being racist!” Rainbow Dash answered indignantly. “You can’t be racist against clouds!” “That’s exactly what a racist would say! Racist!” Rainbow pulled up her lip and glared at Discord as her entire head vibrated with anger. Watching the blood slosh around in her noggin was definitely a sight-beyond-sight to behold. “Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to get these back in the sky?!” “See!” Discord said. With a flick of his wrist his gun turned into a sponge he used to scrub off the outfit he was wearing. “Now you’re saying clouds are lay-about, do nothings! Just… wow…. I can’t believe one of the Elements of Harmony is a racist.” “I AM NOT A RACIST!” Rainbow Dash screamed. “Again, something a racist would say,” Discord said as sat the sponge down and gave it a pat on the back. The sponge ran off, yipping all the way. Rainbow Dash let out a series of rage-filled growls and incomprehensible sounds in response. “I’d love to sit here and play cave-pony with you, but I really must find Pinkie Pie, so if you could be a dear and—” “GRaaargagaphaaaa buuuuuuuSUGARCUBEuuuuuuuuk yoooooooooCORNERuuuuuu blllllrgghghgghPROBABLYergrgcchchhchchc…” “Hmmmm… I don’t think that’s a real place,” Discord said. He shrugged. “I’ll just check Sugarcube Corner, thanks.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Rainbow Dash’s scream followed Discord all the way down to Ponyville, until… “DISCORD!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “YOU PUT THESE CLOUDS BACK IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW,OR I’M TELLING TWILIGHT WHAT A HORSE APPLE-HEA—” Discord snapped his finger and suddenly hundreds of colorful balloons all tied to the clouds appeared. The clouds ascended back towards the heavens at a rapid pace. “Wha…!” Rainbow Dash cried out as she was suddenly lifted upwards. Discord walked slowly and deliberately through Ponyville, casting a wary eye in front of him to check for horns, pies, or any other surprises he might step in. As he reached his eye, he’d bend down, pick it up, and cast it again. He grabbed a brown cloth sign that read ‘Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium’ in white lettering and wrapped it around himself, a wide brimmed cowboy hat appearing as he did. His spurs jingled with each step of his cowboy boots as he spotted Sugarcube corner. He narrowed his eyes at the offending building. Inside was a pink pony who would pay for— Discord caught something pink out of the corner of his eye. He turned, drawing the canisters of silly-string holstered on on his hips and sprayed. The window he hit glared at with its new neon green eyes from above its equally new neon-blue mustache. He caught something pink out of the corner of his eye again. He turned, fired, and was treated to a dayglow red-and-orange pout from another window. How is she… THERE! Discord turned and emptied the contents of his canisters into a puddle which suddenly looked at him with a grumpy and soggy pile of multicolored silly string. Discord sneered and closed his eyes. He reached out with his senses. There’s no way Pinkie could hide from him… …There… There she was… but… but… somehow barely … Like she existed in the very furthest corner of reality itself. Discord’s eyes shot open. … How? … How?! What… is she…? … Discord would just have to ask her directly. With a snap of his talon, Discord found himself in a realm very different from Equestria and very different from his own. There was no ground, no sky, no substance… just… just… black-and-white static that seemed to go on forever in all directions. For the first time in what seemed like a millennium, Discord felt fear and some degree of detachment from his sense of self. He raised his hands in front of his face to confirm he was still here and went through the physical trouble of breathing a sigh of relief, happy with his choices to pick a corporeal form. “Heya, Discord!” Discord looked up… at least… ‘up’ in relationship to his feet and head. Still mane-less, Pinkie pie swam through the nothingness… doing a backstroke with a relaxed expression on her face as if this was the most natural place in all existence. A startling thought occurred to Discord that maybe it was. For a brief, uncharacteristic moment, Discord found himself at a loss for words. “What… How… How are you—” Discord paused, unsure the word he was about to use even applied at this point “—here?” Pinkie giggled. “Silly Discord, I am everywhere und nowhere!” she answered, invoking a creepy German accent for some reason. Wait… Do ponies call it Germany? Hrmmm… They probably have some stupid horse name based on Duetschland, or something. I should— Discord’s thoughts were cut off by another giggle. “Watcha thinking ‘bout?” Discord looked up at Pinkie. “Do ponies say ‘Germany’, or do they have a different word for it?” Pinkie pursed her lips and gave Discord a thoughtful look. “I don’t know. What’sa Germany?” Discord lowered his head and shook it. “I thought as much…”His head came up, fire in his face that was clearly visible from behind his eyes. “Look, you troublesome pink prat, I—” “What’sa ‘prat’?” “Oh! Well it’s another word for ‘flank’ or ‘behind’, You know, a— I don’t need to explain this to you! I came for revenge!” Pinkie narrowed her eyes and swam closer to Discord. “Revenge?! I’m the one who’s out a mane in case you’ve forgotten!” Pinkie said, pointing to the top of her head with a forehoof. “Oh, right. That,” Discord said. He produced the mess of cardboard, tape, glue, and pink glitter. “I made you a new one.” Pinkie gasped and grabbed hold of the cardboard ‘wig’ with both hooves. “Glitter!” she said excitedly. Discord chuckled. “I knew you’d like it.” “Like it?! I love it!” Pinkie announced in a high-pitched squee. She placed her new ‘hair’ on her head. “How do I look? Sparkly? Spectacular? Spectacularly Sparkly?” Pinkie began to hop up and down… relative to her positionless position, anyhow. “Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let’s go back and get a mirr—HEY!” Pinkie interrupted herself angrily. “Oh, what is it now?” “I’m still peeved at you!” “Oh right,” Discord said, “and I at you.” “You know,” Pinkie began, a trace of irritation still in her voice, “I wouldn’t be so darn mad if you actually felt sorry for anything you’ve done.” “Sowwrry?” Discord practically choked out as if he just said a word with a very foreign pronunciation. “Oh, please,” he continued with a dismissive wave. “The things I’ve done to you ponies are harmless trifles at best. You all just blow them out of proportion. What do I possibly have to be sorry for?” “Hmmmm,” Pinkie replied in a flippant tone. “I guess you only feel sorry when you’re the one being hurt or betrayed.” Memories of Tirek hit Discord like a space train that was being propelled through hyperspace with a warp drive. If words could cut, Discord would have found himself a pile of disconnected limbs, body sections, and a head. As it so happened, whether words actually could cut in this place or Pinkie’s words simply affected him that deeply, Discord did fall apart into many pieces and began floating about. Discord’s head rotated amongst the static filled nothingness to face Pinkie. “But… But… That’s not…” Pinkie simply narrowed her eyes. “Face it! You still don’t have the first clue about friendship. You’re still just doing what you want, when you want to, and faking the rest when you feel you have to!” Discord swallowed hard, a lump traveled down his throat and through his disconnected body. Pinkie’s words reverberated through his skull… no… his entire being. Permeating through him and seeping into every molecule of his body because… … because… …maybe… … just maybe… … they were true. … No. NO! N-O-EXCLAMATION MARK I will not be lectured by a pony who makes friends with rocks and turnips when she thinks she’s been abandoned. Discord suddenly snapped back into his whole Draconequus form in front of Pinkie. Positioning his feet level with her own as best he could and glowering down at her to emphasize the full difference in their heights. He pointed down at her with his lion paw. “Now you listen directly to me you insipid, insignificant little pony! You’ve got some power beyond other ponies’ comprehension, I’ll give you that, but you are still nothing compared to me! You are a mere blink in the grand scheme of things. Just another pony who will be lost in time.” Discord smiled wickedly. “You’re just a tear in the rain, Pinkie Pie.” Discord waited. Waited for Pinkie to explode with ineffectual rage. Waited for her to start shrieking at him. Just another pony raging against their own mortality. To his surprise, Pinkie sighed sadly and hung her head. “Oh, Discord…” She said in a melancholy tone. “You really don’t understand. Maybe… maybe you just can’t…” She looked up with an almost heartbroken look on her face. “I’m sorry, Discord… I really am.” ‘So… sorry’?! ‘Ca… CAN’T UNDERSTAND’?! I AM THE LORD OF CHAOS! I CAN SEE THE ESSENCE OF MAGIC ITSELF AND HAVE TRAVELED TO COUNTLESS DIMENSIONS AND WORLDS! HOW DARE SHE?! Discord glared at Pinkie with a look beyond anger. Beyond blind, seething hatred. He would hit her where it hurt the most. He would teach her that there are things in this world you just don’t aggravate and that he was at the very top of the list. Discord thought for a moment… … smiled inwardly… … closed his eyes … … snapped his talon … … and smiled outwardly. “Gummy is with the cake twins,” Discord said with grin so wicked it would make a demon blush. Pinkie looked up in confusion. “Yeah? So…?” Somehow Discord’s grin widened, both physically and in a manner that somehow seemed to dip into a dimension of pure malevolent joy. “I gave him teeth.” Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Celestia, no…” she murmured. Suddenly the static world seemed to fade away, or rather, the real world began fade in. It was not as if Pinkie or Discord were returning to reality, but rather as if reality was rushing back to meet them. Both were suddenly in Sugarcube Corner’s main room, surrounded by cakes and various confectionaries. “Pi-Pinkie?” Discord and Pinkie turned. Mrs. Cake stared at them from behind the counter as if she couldn’t believe her eyes. Trying to regain her composure, she added, “I didn’t know you were bringing—” Mrs. Cake eyed Discord wearily. “—A gues—” Pinkie moved with such a speed she practically teleported on top of the bakery counter directly in front of Mrs. Cake, “Ta-TWINS! WHERE?!” Mrs. Cake leaned back, surprise and concern written across her face. She pointed past Pinkie. “They’re just right over there, playing with Gum-” The alligator was in Pinkie’s hooves in an instant. She caught a flash of something white in Gummy’s mouth and quickly looked downward, panic having set up shop in every fiber of the ponies being. “Hehehe!” “Pa-Pwinkie!” Pinkie let out the longest, loudest sigh of relief she ever had in her life. The twins were fine and merely clambered about her as if was playtime with her once again. Pinkie looked back up, holding Gummy out for her to see. His almost perfectly square set of teeth chattered rhythmically as a tiny white knob turned slowly. Pinkie turned and immediately attempted to disintegrate Discord with her vision, which meant it was a good thing for Discord that Pinkie wasn’t actually him, otherwise she would have succeeded. Discord’s beyond-archdemon grin simply remained. “Good joke, no?” “Good joke, no,” Pinkie emphasized. She pulled the fake plastic teeth out of Gummy’s mouth and set the toothless alligator down, holding the teeth up in a forehoof. “How could you just toy with somepony’s emotions like—” ‘BOOM!’ “AH!” Mrs. Cake cried out in shock and alarm as the teeth in Pinkie’s hoof exploded. “AHHH!” “WHAA!” Pound Cake zipped over to his mother, throwing himself into her waiting forelegs as Pumpkin Cake dashed around the bakery counter and leaped up to join her brother. Discord remained motionless, same grin on his face. Pinkie’s head from eyes up had been blasted black by the explosion, while her muzzle to her neck had been blasted white. She turned. The Cake twins screamed. Mrs. Cake flinched and turned, shielding the twins from the sight in front of them as she tried to calm her children. Discord chuckled and shook his head. “What a positively nightmarish look you’ve discovered.” The teeth from the toy had perfectly arranged themselves around Pinkie’s closed and blackened eyelids making it look like she had two extra sets of mouths where her eyes should be. She slowly reached up and began picking the teeth out of her eyes. Discord felt his brow tighten. He assumed Pinkie would be livid even, if by some miracle, she maintained external composure. However, she seemed perfectly calm both externally and internally. By the time the final tooth was removed, the Cakes had been calmed. In fact, the room was now eerily quiet, as if even the tiny foals could sense the tension of a pot about ready to boil over and cover everyone in the vicinity with scalding hot liquid. Pinkie turned towards and Discord and opened her eyes. “Of course you know, this means war.” Discord chortled. “Oh please, am I going to step on more pies? A firecracker this time? Oooo! Maybe a pie filled with firecrackers!” In a cool, measured tone, Pinkie replied, “I will reach out to that what you hold most dear and destroy it.” Discord smiled, but it was a smile of pure disbelief. “Really? You really think you’re capable of something like that?” Slowly, a grin crept onto Pinkie’s face. A grin that would have put Discord’s own beaming evil smile to shame. “I know I am… And the best part is… you won’t see it coming...” She giggled. The twins whimpered. Mrs. Cake swallowed. “I’m… I’m just going to take the twins out for a walk…” Mrs. Cake put the twins on her back and began trotting towards the front door. The trot soon turned into a gallop as Mrs. Cake found herself rushing for the door with a speed she hadn’t thought herself capable of for many years. The door slammed shut behind her. Pinkie continued, “You see… It’s something so precious to you… so close to you… You’ve never thought for one second… for one instant it could be taken away” –Pinkie’s eyes widened with a madness beyond anything Discord had witnessed in a pony in all his uncountable years –“but it can!” Discord’s smile disappeared. He was no longer amused. He was once again, just angry. “You pathetic pink pony, you really think—” “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRD!” Discord and Pinkie turned as the bakery door flew open revealing Twilight Sparkle, currently the very picture of outrage. Her wings had been extended to their full span and she locked vein, red tractor beam-like eyes on Discord. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?!” Discord sighed. “Looks like I have some ‘splaining to do.” Twilight continued, “THE CLOCK TOWER IS ON FIRE, THERE-THERE’S A GIANT HOCKEY MASK IN THE SWIMMING POND, THERE’S A GIANT BUCKIN’ CHAINSAW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOLHOUSE’S NEW PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT, AND ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE TO ARRANGE TRANSPORTATION FOR MEMBERS OF THE CANTERLOT ROYAL ORCHESTRA!” Discord blew a dismissive gust of air. “You say that last one as if every instance of that happening was somehow my fault.” Twilight grit her teeth. “WHAT ABOUT THE CHAINSAW?!” Discord shrugged. “I thought you ponies liked to play on giant chainsaws! Clearly there’s been a miscommunication!” Twilight’s entire body began to quake with rage. “MIS-MIS-MISCOMMUNICATION?!” Discord snapped his fingers and was suddenly wearing black robes with a red trim, a matching black cape, and a big red feathered turban. He raised an envelope to his head. “Who is a shoe-in for most-well-spoken at this year’s Ms. Equestria?” Pinkie couldn’t help but giggle at that one. Twilight turned to shoot a quick glare at Pinkie before turning back towards Discord. Her eyes widened and she suddenly turned back to Pinkie with a concerned look. “Pinkie! What happened to your mane?! What happened to your face?!” Pinkie quickly reached behind her, producing the cardboard ‘hair’ Discord had made for her. She placed it on her head. “Nothing!” she said quickly. Twilight raised an eyebrow, her vision lingering on Pinkie’s black-from-the-eyes-up, white-from-the-muzzle-down look. “That doesn’t explain your…” Twilight let out a frustrated “Ugh!” and turned to Discord. “You have to help me fix this.” Discord gave Twilight a sort of innocent pout and slithered over to her, itching her chin with his eagle talon. “Oh but Princess Twilight, I thought me helping you would make ponies overly reliant on my powers when things got rough.” Twilight slapped Discord’s talon away, meeting his innocent look with an accusing glare. “That was with the damage Tirek caused! You did all of this!” Discord stood upright, letting his shoulders slump forward. “Oh, poo… Cleanup duty.” He said summoning a maid’s outfit, mop, and bucket. “I do so hate tidying up.” Twilight reared up on her hind legs and began pushing Discord towards the door. “Yeah, yeah. I don’t care if you complain. Just fix the messes you caused!” “Oh, if I must,” Discord answered as he was pushed outside. As Twilight pushed him forward, Discord quickly stretched the top portion of his body back into the bakery. He produced a stuffed effigy of Pinkie’s head, sans mane, and did a throat slitting motion across his neck. “Metaphor,” he said threateningly. Pinkie reached behind her and suddenly brought a can of spray whipped cream up to her face. She shook it and sprayed it all over her currently white mouth. Her muzzle now covered in whipped cream she stared back at Discord with sky-blue eyes still surrounded by blackened hair. “Witness me!” she hissed out as she leveled a forehoof at Discord. Discord grinned to himself and unstretched so he was now walking alongside Twilight. Twilight looked up and gave Discord an inquisitive look. “What was that all about?” Discord shrugged. “Just a little game Pinkie and I are playing.” Twilight looked at Discord and blinked. Her face lit up. “Really? You two are actually getting along?!” she asked excitedly. “Oh, I’m so happy you’re finally starting to learn more about friendship!” Despite being miles away, rolling around and filth somewhere, Discord felt a brief, sharp pang in his heart. He ignored it. “Oh my dear Princess Twilight Sparkle, you have no idea…” Chapter 4: All Play and No Work Makes Discord a Sane DraconequusThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 4: All Play and No Work Makes Discord a Sane Draconequus Discord let out an exasperated groan as he drove his frozen yogurt-plated Segway down the hallway of Canterlot castle. Even the fact that he was making a melted banana-and-turnip sorbet mess wasn’t enough to make him feel better. Twilight had made him remove the chainsaw entirely. He had tried to compromise and ask if it could at least go on the side for the colts and fillies to play on, but she wouldn’t budge. His offer to bronze the giant hockey mask and make it the centerpiece of Ponyville Park had been shot out of hand. Twilight was less than thrilled to add a permanent lightning storm to the clock tower, asking ‘Who would even need 1.21 gigawatts at a moment’s notice?!’ He also had to replace all the damage caused to the instruments in the zeppelin explosion and wasn’t even allowed to fill them full of complimentary macaroni and bees. Also he got yelled at because many of the musicians were injured and probably needed therapy… or something? His ears had fallen off at one point and it took him a while to find them again. As he approached his door, Discord dismounted his Segway, letting it continue forward until it smashed into a centuries-old suit of royal guard armor on display. The Segway exploded in a fiery crash, sending debris and yogurt everywhere. Discord momentarily considered replacing the armor with a statue of him eating several hundred cans of sweetened condensed milk… Celestia would at least chuckle. “Feh,” he said dismissively as soon as he opened the door to his realm. To think he still had so many chores— From a distance, it almost seemed his front lawn had been turned into some sort of green level plane. Instead of donning his diet Colta-Cola and Mentoats jetpack, Discord teleported directly to the edge of his lawn, floating in the open air just an arm’s length away. Discord tilted his head so his eyes were level with the grass. Somehow… Each blade was completely level. Discord felt his brow tighten. He thought the grass having emotional issues and cutting itself to a roughly uniform length was bad enough, but this. This was… this was just pure, undiluted sanity this was! He felt himself peering closer… and closer… There was something… more… Discord recoiled in horror. Each blade of grass was also facing the exact same direction… How… How!? “GHA!” Discord cried out in shock and disgust. He huffed… And he puffed… And he bleeeeeeeeeeew his grass back so it at least wasn’t all facing the exact same direction. Discord smirked; his lawn was at least disheveled enough to be an average-looking lawn. Discord cringed. Well, we can’t have ‘average’, now can w— Suddenly Discord heard a breeze and felt something tussle his goatee. Somehow, the grass was uniform again. Magic? It couldn’t be… Discord would have sensed it. Discord blew another large gust of air. The grass became disorderly, and suddenly shifted back into uniformity. Discord blew again. The grass shifted back again. Discord blew. The grass returned. Discord summoned a fireball and exploded his lawn. The grass caught fire and turned to ash. The grass burned away, and with his lawn now little more than a smoking crater, Discord could finally see what was forcing his law into a single level plane. Ah-HA! Just as I suspected, it was some sort of complex, air-pumping device designed to force each blade of grass back into place should it be disturbed! Discord frowned. …No, actually that’s insane… Who would think— Discord’s eyes shot open wide. Did he… did he just question the insanity of something!? He bolted into his house and slammed the door. At least in here he’d be… be… Discord swallowed hard. His house was immaculate. The windows were washed, the carpets were perfectly cleaned, and all the dust bunnies had clearly been let loose into the wild! How dare she?! How could she?! His own home! Discord took a few calming breaths. Steady… steady… this is what she wants. I’ll just… I’ll just make something to eat… relax a bit, crash a flying lawnmower into the living room, and maybe let loose a pack of baboon-mounted mountain goats around the house. Discord sighed as he floated into his kitchen. Of course it was spotless too. He checked the sink. It was empty. Great. Just great. If his pans weren’t there, then… No… She… She wouldn’t… Discord gulped and leaned down, opening a cupboard by the side of the stove. She would. She did! SHE PUT THE PANS IN THE CUPBOARD NEXT TO THE STOVE! DOES HER WICKEDNESS KNOW NO LIMITS!? She even… Discord felt himself quiver from the sheer horror of what he was witnessing. She even stacked all the pots and pans neatly and arranged them by size… smallest to largest, left to right, front to back. With great effort, Discord looked away, his eyes locking with… the fridge. He ran over to it and threw it open, slamming it shut nearly as quickly and throwing his back to it. He only caught a glimpse. But… but for a moment… He swore everything had been organized by food group. He dared not check the freezer. Where does it end? Did she… did she get everything?! Discord quickly took a few side steps and threw open his spice cupboard. He let out a high-pitched screech at what he saw. All his spices… even the ones with unpronounceable names and letters that didn’t exist were somehow in complete alphabetical and xerchgurgle!@#$%^phethran~!gical order! But that means my silverware is… Discord pivoted and pulled a drawer out so hard it came out of his counter entirely, falling to the ground along with his lion’s paw he let detach from his body. His silverware drawer… It… it… It’s full of silverware! No! NO!And it’s all placed nice and neat in one of those silverware holders! But if my silverware is here… Where’s my werewolf slaying kit?! Discord placed his talon on his chest and took a few deep breaths. Maybe they didn’t have a place for it. Maybe it was thrown out into the swirling, shifting, screaming nothingness of his backyard in complete disa— Discord’s caught something out of the corner of his eyes. There... there was a label… A label on one of his cupboards. The one where he usually kept his bowler-skating equipment. A label that said, ‘Monster-fighting stuff’ in pink glitter pen. The ‘i’ was even dotted with a heart. Shaking with fright, Discord leaned over and pulled the cupboard open… His wolfsbane, silver bullets and revolver were there, all clearly labeled with sticky notes with a placard that read ‘Werewolf’ in front of it. His stakes, wooden mallet, holy water… ALL OF IT WAS LABELED in a newly created ‘Vampire’ section! Discord quickly reached in and grabbed a baseball bat from the new ‘Piñata’ section. He began to swing the bat wildly as he gripped it one-handed near the top of the handle. “Stay away from me!” he cried, swinging his bat in the direction of his pots and pans cupboard. “Please!” Discord swung at the fridge, his bat glancing off the side with a ‘thwack’. “Don’t hurt me!” he pleaded as he smashed the bat into his spice cupboard, sending colorful powders in all directions. Discord took a step back from the overly organized cloud he had just created. ‘Jingle’ Discord looked down. He had just placed his dragon’s foot directly into the silverware drawer that was on the ground. It would be missed. Discord took a one-handed swing at his own foot, with a solid ‘crack!’ his foot went sailing off his body and shattered a kitchen window. “Stay away from me!” he screamed at the ‘Monster Fighting Stuff’ cupboard as he leveled his bat at it. Then… only then… did he notice. So desperate for something to defend himself was he that he didn’t even take notice… On the side of the bat was a sticky note… A note with the letters… B A T “STAY AWAY!” Discordshrieked as he let his eagle talon fall to the floor, still gripping the bat. He hopped out of the kitchen and into the dining room as fast as he could on his goat leg, letting out a cry of despair as he noticed all the chairs had been perfectly arranged and spaced at his dining room table (somepony even fixed the uneven leg so it didn’t need a water balloon to hold it in place). He hopped through a pair of perfectly straightened red satin curtains that separated his dining room from the hallway, letting the curtains slide over him as he currently didn’t have hands to part them with. He was determined to make it to his room where… Well, he’d probably have to unmake the bed… but that was nothing compared to… compared to… Discord caught sight of himself in the mirror. What happened to you, Discord? You’re falling apart. You… you… Discord’s eyes shot open wide as he took a closer look at his face… or rather… his eyebrows. They… they were perfectly symmetrical. His left eyebrow was supposed to be bushier! He knew that. Suddenly he noticed it… He couldn’t tell if it had just been put there or if it had been snuck in during his panicked frenzy, but there was something in his mouth that shouldn’t be there. Discord opened his mouth, glanced in the mirror, and let out a blood-curdling scream. There were two fangs in in his mouth! Also, he needed to replace his blood with some that hadn’t just been spoiled by screaming, but that was of secondary concern. Discord wrapped his tongue around the offending fang and ripped it out, flinging it back towards the dining room entrance as he tried to hop once more down the hallway. He quickly lost his balance and fell chin first to the disgustingly clean wooden floor. ‘Thud!’ As much as he loathed having more contact with the floor, he needed to move fast. Well, he knew how to slither, but that meant he now had extra weight. There was no time to carry dead weight around. His goat leg popped off and he slithered down the hall until he reached his bedroom door. He turned the bedroom knob with his mouth and practically fell inside. Much to his chagrin, the bed was made. In fact, his plaid and polka-dot comforter had been replaced with a tasteful light blue one. He shuddered to think that it was probably in his Lenin closet and that his souvenir from the Russian Mausoleum was… I don’t know… It was probably next to his Egypt bandage collection in the basement. Pinkie better not have opened his souvenir; it was still mint in box. Anyhow, first he’d have to unmake the bed. But how? All his limbs were now contaminated and no longer attached to him. … Of course! Robot limbs! Discord instinctively tried to snap his talon, but then remembered it was no longer attached to his body. Slightly miffed, he settled for snapping his tongue. Shiny and chrome arms and legs appeared on him instantly. He gripped the blankets tightly and— Is that a mint on the pillow? Don’t mind if I do! Discord quickly grabbed the mint and ate the wrapper, spitting out the sweet treat. Then he grabbed the blankets and threw them on the floor. Huh… I didn’t even have to spend a millisecond arguing with my limbs to get them what to do… Maybe robot limbs are the way to… … way to… Stop, stop, stop! Discord stopped and looked at his limbs. Mechanic… Orderly. Had… Had he fallen? Had he fallen completely to the nonchaotic side? No! It wasn’t too late. He could… He could put it back, right? Or… or… He could make new organic limbs! Maybe a nice tentacle or giraffe leg. Discord raised his right metal arm and held his fingers as if to snap them, but stopped and stared at the new appendage. Discord gave a melancholy sigh as he stared at his robot limbs. “Oh what have I become…? Memories of his snapping talon resurfaced. Why he remember the time he snapped it and rearranged molecules to how he saw fit… which was pretty much every time. Discord began to sniffle. “Sniff… My… my sweetest friend…?” Tears, not ice cream tears, or fruit punch tears, or even crocodile tears, but regular, salty tears began to pour down from Discord’s face. “Every…sob… everypony I know… hhehh… goes away in the… snort… end…” Discord broke into open sobs. Powerful moans that shook his body as he grabbed the comforter and wrapped it around himself. Was this what she wanted? Was this her plan all along? Had he really underestimated her so much? Was she really such the chess master that she manipulated every move of Discord’s little chrome car all the way to the end zone? Suddenly a voice spoke. Calling out to Discord in a soft, yet disturbing sing-song voice. “Diiiiiiiiiiiscooooooooooord~. Why are you a sad Sally, Discord?” Pinkie! Where is she?! Is she even anywhere? Does that question have any bearing in— Discord swallowed. —reality? “Go… GO AWAY!” Discord cried. There was a giggle. “Oh, but you didn’t even see the bathrooms yet!” “No… please… leave me be,” Discord pleaded. “Don’t tell me you put the medicine in the… in the… inthemedicinecabinet!” Another giggle. “Okay! I won’t tell you that.” Discord began to gnash his teeth and beat the ground. “How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words?” Discord glanced upwards briefly. “And actions… mostly actions, really.” “For as long as it takes…” Pinkie’s voice answered cryptically. Still kneeling, Discord furrowed his brow. “Takes for what?” Pinkie tut-tutted. “Now Dissy, where’s the fun in me just telling you?” “Look. I'm sorry about the hair…” Discord made a sound like a cat coughing up a hairball and coughed up a massive pink gob of soggy hair into his mechanical hands. “Look! See!” he said offering the hair out to… well… pretty much just his mattress as Pinkie didn’t seem to be physically in the room. “You can have it back!” “Oh, we're past that...” Discord teeth began to chatter. His eyes darted around the room in a near frenzy. “Wh-What are you going to do…?” Another giggle. “Do? Silly-Billy. I’ve already done it!” Discord swallowed. “Done what?” "I found your closet, Discord." “No...." "I divided it into sections based on outfit type..." "NO!" "And then I alphabetized those… based on color! Hehehehehehe!" All his outfits now triple organized. This was far, far beyond anything he could have dreamed or even conjured in a nightmare. Discord snapped his metallic fingers and was suddenly wearing a black outfit complete with long cape, helmet, boots, and chest plate with buttons on the front. The helmet was curved at the sides with a long breathing apparatus for his muzzle. The fact that it took Discord a microsecond shorter to conjure the outfit stung that much more. Discord threw his arms up to the heavens, clenched his fists, and screamed up to the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His house shook, windows and lamps broke, and dishes fell out of cupboards and shattered on the floor. It was a start, but… but how long until Pinkie came back? How long until she casually fixed and reorganized all he had painstakingly, haphazardly messed up? He couldn’t live like this. Discord broke into a cold sweat. I need help. Chapter 5: Reflection and InfractionsThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 5: Reflection and Infractions Discord ran, scavenging items from his house and quickly replacing limbs as he did. He smashed a chair and made a crude peg leg. He borrowed an arm from his mannequin he kept around incase there was a power outage in Canterlot and he needed to throw a mannequin through a window for looting purposes. As loath as he was to enter it, he quickly went into his bathroom and grabbed a plunger for leg #2 and a toilet brush for his second arm. His new limbs weren’t very responsive or articulate, but at least they weren’t based on the clockwork-like order of mechanics. His mobility restored without having to affix hated machines to his body, he made a quick escape from his home... or rather, he lumbered awkwardly on his peg leg while he constantly unstuck his plunger leg from the floor. … Oh, right… I can teleport. Discord raised his toilet brush ‘hand’ in front of his face. Useless for snapping. He then examined his mannequin hand. Deceptively equally useless. He slumped his shoulders, or rather slumped his mannequin shoulder and toilet brush handle. Oh, poo… Guess I’ll just have to teleport without snapping. Hmmm… but to whom? Twilight could likely intervene, but after our disagreements on landscaping, I frankly don’t care to see her. Fluttershy? Possibly still too shell-shocked from when she was over and I showed her the mirror that only sometimes reflects hair and skin… So that leaves… Discord’s eyes widened. Of course, she’ll help! I mean… It’s her job to help her subjects, right? And I kinda, sorta live in her house in a very tangential way, dimensionally speaking… That’s practically roommates! That’s better than a subject! In a flash, Discord was standing in Celestia’s throne room. “Dis-Discord?!” Celestia exclaimed in surprise from in front of her throne. She gave Discord a quick once over and tried her best to stifle laughter. “What… pfft… what’s going…” Sitting in front of Celestia was a salmon-colored unicorn mare with silvery hair quaffed upwards on her head. She had a thorny rose for a cutie mark and wore large diamond earrings with a matching diamond choker. “Excuse me!” she said snidely to the living embodiment of chaos who currently had better things to do than deal with an obnoxiously rude pony. “You’re excused!” Discord said as he gathered the irksome pony into his appendages and tossed her through the nearest stained glass window. ‘KRIEEEEEESH!’ “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhh!” The unicorn cried in total abject fear. “Ahh!” Celestia cried in alarm. “You have to help me!” Discord pleaded. Celestia let out a few sounds that indicated she was trying and failing to find words. Discord gave her an annoyed look. Well this is going well. An orange pegasus guard with a spiked blue mane suddenly appeared in the broken window, a cut-up and terrified unicorn held in his forelegs. “Uh… Someone drop something, your highness?” the pegasus said awkwardly. Celestia let out a massive sigh of relief. “Thank you, Flash… Please take Floribunda to the hospital.” Flash shifted slightly as if he was going for a salute, his ‘passenger’ letting out a startled yelp as she slipped slightly. Flash quickly tightened his grip and nodded to Celestia with some degree of embarrassment. “Yes, your highness,” he said before flying away from the window. Discord rolled his eyes. “Great, she’s fine. Can we talk about my super important problem now?” “Discord!” Celestia said sternly as she flew down in front of him. “I of all ponies can understand wanting to throw Floribunda out a window, but there are things you just don’t do.” Discord gave Celestia an irritated look. “Oh please, she barely lost any of that… uh… fluid stuff ponies and other animals keep inside them…” Celestia narrowed her eyes. “You mean blo—” Discord quickly raised his mannequin hand, putting over Celestia’s mouth and causing the Princess to go cross-eyed as she looked down. “Don’t tell me,” Discord said. “It’ll come to me.” Celestia swatted the mannequin arm away. “Discord, what is this all about?” “Blood!” Discord said. Celestia blinked a few times. “It’s about blood?” “Blood is the thing we keep in our bodies!” Discord said with a smile indicating he was quite proud of himself. Celestia let loose an exasperated sigh. “Discord, why did you teleport into my throne room—” Celestia gave Discord’s assortment of limbs another once over “—with all… with all that?!” “You have to help me!” “Yesssss… You mentioned that.” “It’s Pinkie!” “Pinkie?” “Pinkie Pie!” “I know who that is, yes…” “She’s-she’s—” Discord swallowed and began to speak in a whisper “—she’s gotten into my home!” “In-indeed?” Discord began to shiver. “She… she cleaned it.” Celestia chuckled. “Did she now?” Discord narrowed his eyes. “It’s not funny!” “Pffft… It’s a little bit funny.” Discord’s brow tightened. “Look, I really need you to talk to her.” Celestia paused for a moment. Discord watched as the preverbal gears turned in the princess’s head, or rather, the real neurons in her brain began firing off in contemplation. “Well… did you do something to provoke this sort of behavior?” Discord sneered. “Does that matter? She’s clearly gone too far. You need to… to…” Discord’s eyes widened. Celestia’s mane started to loose its shimmer… and turn… and turn… “Discord?” “Your- your mane!” Celestia gave a half smile and rolled her eyes. “Yes, it pretty much always does that sparkling, wind-blowing thing…” “No it’s…” Discord took a step back, his plunger sticking fast to the ground. “It’s turning pi…” “Turning?” “Turning pink!” Discord cried as he struggled to pull his plunger leg free. “Discord!” Celestia said mirthfully with melodic chuckle. “What’s gotten into you?” Discord pulled on his leg again. It held. He swung his toilet brush arm at Celestia. “Please! Don’t hurt me!” Celestia seemed taken aback, but Discord watched as more and more of her hair lost its shimmer, changing to a deep pink. “I’m not going to hurt you!” Celestia said. Discord swung again, his brush making contact with some of the accursed pink hair. He finally pulled the suction cup free, but tumbled to the ground. “Stay away from me!” “Discord? Friend?” Celestia smiled. A smile eerily devoid of the compassion she normally seemed to wear at all times like a comfortable coat. “Jokester of Canterlot Castle.” Discord started to shuffle back on his odd assortment of limbs. Celestia trotted forward, maintaining a short gap between her and Discord. “I’m not going to hurt you. You didn’t let me finish my sentence.” Her mane and tail were now completely pink. Far off in some distant corner of his realm, Discord felt his heart pump with a speed it had never been pumping before. “I said, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to repaint your home’s trim.” Discord gasped and rolled onto his belly, desperately trying to crawl away. “I’m going to repaint all the trim!” “Stay away from me! Don't hurt me!” Discord shrieked as he scrambled out of the throne room. As he fled he could hear Celestia break into a fit of laughter that soon sounded like… sounded like… PINKIE’S GIGGLE! Discord scrambled onto his feet… or rather, peg leg and giant suction cup. He broke into a fast limp, constantly unsticking his plunger from the ground as he attempted to spring along. Help! Help! I need… ‘Thump!’ Discord crashed into something large and solid and fell to the ground. Princess Luna looked flummoxed for a moment then looked down. “Discord? What vexes you so?” If only there was a pony here who could help him! “…Discord? Are you in peril? I’m sure I can…” There was no pony! None! None of consequence that could help him! Luna narrowed her eyes. “You do realize that you are speaking out loud, of course?” Fluttershy! Shell-shocked or not! He needed to see Fluttershy! Luna let out an aggravated sigh. “You know what? I do not believe I need this.” His options completely exhausted— “I am going back to bed!” —he teleported to Fluttershy’s cottage and immediately began tapping his mannequin hand against it. ‘Tap, tap, tap!’ “Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Please I need your help!” Discord exploded into a smile as the door opened a crack. The smile fell, smashing itself into a frown as it crashed into the desolate wastes of Disappointment Dessert. “Oh, it’s you,” said as he looked down. A small white bunny scowled back up at him. “I need to talk to Fluttershy! Where is she?!” Angel shook his head and blew a raspberry. Discord narrowed his eyes. “So that’s the way it’s going to be, hmmmm?” -ooo- ‘Poof!’ “Twilight,youhavetohelpme!” “AHHH!” Twilight cried out an alarm, dropping the book Discord’s head had just popped out of. Discord awkwardly pulled himself out of the book, throwing himself in front of Twilight on top of the massive magical map of Equestria. He kept himself low, his eyes on a level plane with Twilight’s. “It’sPinkie!She’sOnARampage!” “Discord! Slow Down!” Twilight said. “What’s going on?!” “IjustTOLDYou!Pinkiemustbestopped!She’scleaningEVERYTHING!” “Pi-Pinkie, what did—?” “… Oh, and next time you see Fluttershy it might interest her to know Angel came down with a really bad case of butt gout.” Twilight blinked a few times in surprise as she processed Discord’s words. “Bu… butt gout?” “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Discord replied, “it’s about ten times worse… Butanywaythat’sbesidesthepointyouhavetosaveme!” “Save you from Pinkie?!” Twilight said in disbelief. “Wait… What the heck happened to your limbs?!” “She did this to me!” Twilight’s lip twitched upwards slightly. “Pinkie replaced your limbs with a fake-human arm, a toilet brush, a broken chair leg, and a plunger?” “Well… No… I did that…” Discord admitted weakly. “But she drove me to this!” The twitch on Twilight’s lip only increased. “How did she drive you to… erm… to this?” “She got into my home and she cleaned and organized it!” Discord shuttered. “It’s horrid. It’s like…” Discord’s eyes widened. “It’s like she doesn’t even care how it makes me feel…” “Oh?” Twilight said. One corner of her mouth started to crawl upwards. “Now why would she go all to the trouble to do that, I wonder?” Discord’s lip began to quiver. “Because… Because she…” Discord swallowed. “Okay! I admit it! I ate her hair! I got mad and played a cruel joke on her insinuating the Cake twins were in danger! Iblew up a set of fake teeth in her face!” Discord started to weep. “I went too far,” he said softly. “And… and… I just want to tell her...” Teary eyed, Discord looked up. “… I just want to tell her how sorry I am.” Much to his surprise, Twilight looked back at him with an almost smug, elated look. She looked up to the double doors to the castle’s throne room. “Alright, every pony. We got him!” Discord watched in surprise as the doors flung open. Still maneless, Pinkie hopped in front of a group composed of Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, and Fluttershy… and Flora Squeezer for some reason. “Hehehehe! I knew we’d get him!” “Heh! As if there ever was a doubt.” “Marvelous work, everypony. Simply marvelous!” “Yeah! Right on, girls!” “Wha—what was that about butt gout?” “Whoa. That pony is messed up.” Discord looked at the ponies in disbelief. “You... all of you were in on it?” Pinkie hopped up to Discord. “Hehehe! Of course, silly Billy!” She grinned wide. “I asked a few of them to help at first.” Her happy look lessened slightly. “And pretty much everypony to help after what happened in Sugarcube Corner.” Discord scratched the back of his head with the toilet brush. “Uh… Right, right… Again, sorry for that. I went too far.” Pinkie’s expression returned to ‘elated mode’. “Oh, I forgive you!” Pinkie’s expression added a dose of self-satisfaction. “But you really thought I did everything that happened to you on my own?” Discord glanced away as he cheeks flushed slightly. “Well… maybe for just a moment…” “Hah!” Rainbow Dash cried. “As if! I shaped the clouds!” Rarity spoke up. “I touched up your eyebrow and helped with your closest.” “I um…” Fluttershy began, “… I helped map out your house from memory.” She shuddered slightly. “It was… er… pretty hard.” Twilight chuckled got up off her chair, trotting up next to Pinkie. “I assisted Pinkie in organizing, though not as much as you might think.” She looked at Pinkie. “She can be surprisingly well-organized when she wants to be.” Pinkie giggled. “Aww, shucks.” Twilight continued, “I also cut your grass so it was completely level, and helped design the device to put it back in place.” Spike smiled. “I helped hook it up to every single blade of grass.” He elbowed Living Wood Caresser lightly. “Heh, Tree Hugger here knew a tune to get all the grass facing the same direction.” Oh, right! That’s her name. Discord immediately relegated the information to the part of his brain where he kept his spare skull Hearth’s Warming lights and the stationary bike he once made a New Year's resolution to use for ‘mental exercises.’ Sapling Stroker’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh! I totally know some sonic bliss to get grass to do that.” Applejack sighed. “Ah baked a pie…” Pinkie giggled. “And I took advantages of the cracks of reality itself to be where I needed to be and change what needed to be changed.” Applejack grumbled to herself and added, “Ah also helped with the cleanup…” Discord looked at all the ponies and the dragon in amazement. Pinkie turned around and buried her head into her tail, pulling out a box wrapped in pink wrapping paper and tied up with sky-blue ribbon. “And since you apologized, I have something for you.” Discord took the gift in his mannequin hand and toilet brush. “Erm… Little help?” Pinkie rapidly unwrapped the gift and opened it for Discord. Discord looked down in surprise. “My… my arms and legs?” “Mmmmhmmm!” Pinkie said with a nod. “I collected them all and washed them in cotton candy-and-pizza pudding!” “Awwww…” Discord said as threw himself into the box, the mannequin arm and toilet brush staying suspended in place just long enough for Discord to pop out, his limbs put back into place. “Thank you, Pinkie.” His smile dropped slightly. “I regret that I left your mane back in my bedroom.” “Oh, that…” Pinkie said. She placed a forehoof in her mouth and blew hard. Her pink mass of curls suddenly popped back on top of her head. “No biggy!” Discord looked down with wide eyes. “Don’t tell me you could have done that at anytime?” Pinkie giggled. “Okay! I won’t tell you that.” Discord smiled and rolled his eyes. He focused his vision on Spike. “… You hooked up a tiny air nozzle to every single blade of grass in my yard?” Discord asked in disbelief. “There must have been millions…” Spike raised a claw. “199,342,699, to be exact.” Birch Grappler chuckled. “Man, you are one crazy talking dragon.” Discord tilted his head and looked at Twilight in amazement. Twilight shrugged. “Don’t ask me how. He’s really good at counting grass.” “Wait… All of you were in my house the entire time?!”Discord asked in disbelief. The ponies nodded. “That’s not possible! I would have sensed you!” Pinkie giggled. “Silly Discord! We were behind the couch.” Discord’s head quaked with rage. “That explains nothing!” “Well, d’uuuuuuuh! We hid under a sheet! I mean… give me some credit!” Discord’s head quaking only increased. He produced a brown paper bag, put a few short and shallow breaths into it, and then popped it with a pin letting out the anguished scream trapped inside it. Fluttershy’s eyes looked distant and hollow. “Yeah… I gave up trying to figure out what was going on about a minute into the plan.” “Okay, but what about Celestia?” Pinkie giggled. “Oh, that! Yeah, she was on it too… Apparently her hair is naturally pink. Who knew?” Discord started to feel something boil up inside him. They… they all banded together and… tortured me?! How… how insensitive do you have to be to just go and mess with…? Oh… Right… Discord let out a mirthful chuckle. “Haha! Well played, ponies! Well played! I certainly learned a valuable lesson about friendship this time.” The group paused he all looked at eachother… almost… almost nervously? “Of… of course!” Twilight said. “That’s… that’s our thing… teaching everypony about friendship.” Pinkie grinned a little too widely. “Right, right! That’s totally our thing.” Discord’s eyebrows dropped ever so slightly. “Right… right… I have a much better understanding of boundaries and what’s an appropriate joke to play on a friend.” Twilight’s eyes suddenly shot open. “Oh! Definitely! That’s absolutely a lesson one could take—I mean… the lesson we tried to teach you!” “Yes,” Rarity said in a hushed tone. “That’s very good, darling. Use that!” “Shhhh…” Twilight hushed out of the corner of her mouth without turning around. “You passed your lesson with flying colors!” Pinkie clapped her hooves together. “Congratulations!” “Yeah, dude,” Rainbow Dash said also hitting her hooves together. “Congratulations!” “Er… Yeah… Congratulations… uh… partner…” Applejack said in an unsure tone as she joined the clapping. “Congratulations, dear!” Rarity said. “Right on! Congratulations,” chimed in Spike. Willow Wrestler chuckled. “Way to go, man!” Fluttershy just looked around with concern worn on her face. “Is… is nopony but me worried about Angel Bunny?” “Well, I must be going,” Discord said as he began to walk to the door. “I’ve got a realm to mess up, you know.” “Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie said excitedly. “I can help.” “NO!” Discord said forcefully. Catching himself, he spoke in a softer tone, “Erm, thank you, but… you’ve done enough.” Discord said with an earnest smile. “Thank you, Pinkie. You’ve really taught me an invaluable lesson.” “D’awwwww,” Pinkie bounced up to Discord. “Come ‘ere, you!” she said as she wrapped her forelegs around Discord. Discord brushed his talon by his head and then returned the hug. He leaned his muzzle down and whispered into Pinkie’s ear, “Maybe see you at my place, next Saturday?” Pinkie chuckled. “Wouldn’t miss it," she said quietly. The two broke their embrace. “Well, it’s been ever so enlightening,” Discord said, “but I really must be going.” He opened one of the double doors to the throne room and stepped through it. “Ta-Ta!” he said as he stuck his lion’s paw out the door to get in one more wave. Almost immediately after the door was closed, there was a collective sigh of relief. “That was close,” Twilight said. Pinkie giggled. “I know, right? Who’d of thought Discord would figure out the lesson about friendship here before the rest of us.” Rarity tittered. “He’s nothing if full of surprises.” “Pffft… I knew it the whole time,” Rainbow Dash said. “I just figured it was so obvious it wasn’t worth saying nothin’.” Silence. Rainbow Dash sighed. “Okay, I didn’t know.” “That was mighty close,” Applejack said. “Ah’d be quakin’ in my boots if Ah were wearin’ any.” “Yeah, talk about close calls,” Spike said. “Whoa,” Oak Rangler said, “seems like everypony needs to mellow out.” “Pinkie?” Fluttershy said. “Is that… is that one of Discord’s ears on your mane?” “… Why yes it is! Hehehe… He must have dropped it when... he… hugged me… Oh, horse apples…” Discord’s head suddenly formed from his ear followed by the rest of him, although he was wearing a white mask of a mustachioed man, wide-brimmed black hat, and a black tunic, pants, boots, and cape. “Ah-ha!” He said pointing a gloved paw. “So this wasn’t about friendship! You all just wanted some good ol’ fashioned vengeance!” Pinkie’s ears flopped down around her head. “I’m sorry, but I was just sooo…. mad, and—” Discord held up his paw to silence Pinkie. He pulled out a torch and set his outfit on fire. It quickly burned off revealing his ‘normal’ self. “Say no more, Pinkie my dear. I understand completely.” The ponies and dragon all exchanged glances… Well, most of the ponies. Evergreen Nuzzler seemed to be busy staring up in wonder at the tree trunk chandelier. “Ah, you do?” Applejack asked skeptically. Discord nodded. “Of course!” He popped out one eye, then the other. “Nothing wrong with some old-fashioned ‘eye for an eye’.” Once again, most everypony in the room breathed a sigh of relief. “Still!” Discord had a look of very real fire in his eyes as he put them back in his sockets. He focused his fiery vision on Rarity. “I think the closet was a bit much.” Rarity swallowed and took a few steps back. “Please calm down, Discord,” Twilight said, galloping up and raising her fore hooves. “Sure, our hearts where in the wrong place, but you still learned a valuable lesson!” Discord nodded. “Indeed I have, Twilight. There are simply limits one must keep in mind with jokes, even with friends. Some lines should not be crossed.” Twilight smiled and gave a pleased nod. “Good, because for a second there—” Discord grinned wickedly. “But I still changed every outfit in Rarity’s boutique to a mix of polka-dots and stripes!” Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “Never mind…” Rarity’s jaw plummeted. “You’re the most dastardly fiend of all time!” Discord chuckled. “I know…” Rarity narrowed her eyes at Discord. “Well then, sir. Please consider your outfits alphabetized by color shade!” Twilight’s ears flopped down around her head. “Seriously?” Discord gasped. “You wouldn’t!” “I would and I will!” Rarity turned towards Pinkie. “Right, Pinkie?” Pinkie turned to Discord. “We’re still on for Saturday?” Discord smiled. “Come Hades or highwater.” Pinkie smiled wide. “Awesome! I’m going to deslime your plumbing!” “No!” Discord cried. “YES!” Pinkie said as her happy smile turned malevolent. Discord clenched a fist. “I’m going to fill all your party hats with gelatin!” “Awesome!” Pinkie said. “Spaghetti gelatin!” “… Awesome!” Discord grumbled in annoyance. Spike’s face lit up. “I actually wanted to take a crack at the rest of the grass in Discord’s place…” Discord snapped his fingers. “Your comics are all now backwards and upside-down in their protective covers!” Spike clenched his claws and threw them into the air. “Wwwhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” “I’m going to fill your place full of rainbows!” Rainbow Dash declared. Discord snapped. “Your Wonderbolts posters are now all a quarter inch tilted to the right.” “What?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Do you know how much of a pain it is to hang up stuff right in a house made out of clouds?!” Applejack sighed. “Ah’ll jus’ bake another pie for you to step in, Ah guess…” ‘Snap!’ “I just switched the West Orchard with the East Orchard at Sweet Apple Acres!” Applejack shrugged. “Whatever.” “Whoa, whoa!” Bush Strangler said. “There’s a lot of negative energy flowing around here, maybe we should all take a few moments to relax, cleanse our chakras, and—” ‘Snap!’ “I just filled all your water pipes with gravy!” Discord declared. Sequoia Slatherer paused, her eyes narrowed. “Oh, I am so clouding your Anja chakra.” Fluttershy whimpered. “Won’t someone please think of Angel Bunny?” The End. Author's Note Whooo! Made it on Halloween, if just barely. Thanks again to Tired Old Man for helping inspire, edit, and suggesting ideas as this went along (he totally gets most the credit for "Mentoats"). Also thanks for all the comments. I'm glad this was so enjoyed, I had a blast getting it written up and out, even under such an aggressive deadline. And as always, thanks for reading! Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the NetherhoodThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the Netherhood Upon contact with the bulbous pile of pink, Discord’s tongue sent a delightful feeling of chilly, cotton candy sweet flavor up to his brain. It was a feeling and taste so welcome on this unseasonably warm day of the year. Around this time, Discord usually set his realm to a brisk minus five under absolute zero, but the fact that he had the occasional guest or mail pony who couldn’t survive having their flesh flash-frozen at a temperature so low that time started to flow backwards meant that adjustments had to be made. And yet, nopony ever thanked him for that. Oh well. Though the pink mound of icy sweetness was still much, much warmer than the magically created super cold of beyond entropy itself, it still felt fantastic against his physical tongue. Having a physical form really was best--a physical form one could change at their whims, of course. Physical forms usually had their limits, but if one had the power to change it as they see fit… well… they were living la dolce vita… or perhaps la vita loca. “Ahem…” a feminine voice called out. That’s funny… the floating trees don’t usually try to get my attention until after 33:30 DM… Discord took another lick of his sweet treat, putting out the neon fires that engulfed his train of thought and ushering back in the horde of winged snakes before letting it continue on its winding, loop-de-loop journey. He made a mental note to see a one-eyed, triangular-shaped friend of his and rub in the ability to become corporeal… Unless of course, the old dog had finally figured out a way to make himself tangible. “Excuse me!” My, the trees are uppity today. Did I miss an unwatering, or— Discord’s train of derailed again as he turned. The neon fires completely engulfing the cars, the tracks, and changing all the winged snakes into colorful rocket-bats that would have to be collected later. So engrossed in his treat and his thoughts was he that he forgot he had a guest! Oh, and he was being ever so rude to his pink pony guest that he had hung upside down by her tail on one of the branches of a floating tree before he stole her hair to create his frosty treat. He hadn’t even offered her a lick! “Oh where are my manners?” She wouldn’t know. Discord had put them in an undersea locker eons ago, and it was always such a pain to call up his associate Davy and get them out. Discord offered some of the delicious pink hair cream. “Care for a lick? A bite? I mean it is your hair.” “You know…” Pinkie began in a tone that meant she was cross with Discord and probably about to get whiney “… when you invited me over, I expected more snacks and less eating my hair!” she finished shrilly. Well now she was just being unreasonable! “What?! I just offered you a delicious treat! Literally a few seconds ago!” Discord glowered at Pinkie and point a claw from his lion’s paw. “Don’t make me rewind time to prove it! I still haven’t worked out all the kinks… and you would not believe how hard it is to resemble every single hamster in the world after they’ve been simultaneously exploded by cosmic microwaves.” Pinkie threw her arms up… or down in this case. “You offered me my own hair!” her shrill tone remained. “And it’s delicious!” “I know! That’s why I keep it on my head!” Discord took another lick of his… Pinkie’s… the delicious hair cream treat. “Ok so we’re sharing, it seems!” Discord motioned out with his lion’s paw, letting it flop about and do a few complete 360 degree rotations on his wrist. “Isn’t that the point of this whole exercise? For me to get to know you ponies more individually and learn more about friendship?” Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. Discord could tell it was meant to calm her. He could also tell by the beat of her heart, the flow of her blood, and myriads of other signals from her body that it wasn’t quite working. “I know you’re trying! But every pony who visits you ends up angry or traumatized!” “Fluttershy enjoyed herself!” Pinkie’s eyebrows tightened. “Fluttershy didn’t talk for three days after she left your house!” Discord smiled wickedly. “And that’s somehow unusual?” Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Touché, Discord, touché.” She leveled an accusatory forehoof at Discord. “But what about everyone else? Dashie came back with all her colors dripping off of her!” Discord rolled his eyes, letting them wobble a bit before they stopped back in place. “I was teaching the girl about humility! She seemed a little too proud of her rainbow mane. I figured a few days without it would give her some much needed perspective!” “Speaking of looks, Rarity was in-con-solable after you messed with her hair!” “But I thought she was trying to turn her hair and tail into springs! I mean, look at it! I merely completed the look.” Discord said as he examined his lion’s paw with a bored expression. He grinned at Pinkie. “You have to admit it was fun watching her bounce around.” “Watching, yes,” Pinkie said. “Listening to her terrified scream-sobs… not so much.” “Hmmm… Remind me to teach you how to detach your ears, it’s ever so useful.” Pinkie glared, then her expression softened as she seemed to be thinking of the proposal, then she glared again. “Later. Look, Applejack did not like becoming an apple…” “We were discussing the silliness of sayings such as ‘you are what you eat!’” “Spike is still getting over your attempt to play ‘Power Ponies’ with him!” “How was I supposed to know his mind would crack under trying to exist as seven different characters at once?!” “And Twilight is still repairing a wing of her castle after she accidently summoned some sort of… some sort of… squiddy… teeth monster with a book you lent her!” “I’m sorry, but I am the Lord of Chaos! What did she think a book from me would do?” “It was a cookbook,” Pinkie said flatly. “Sooooo in this case, help her make a hay and oats casserole.” Discord raised his talon and paw up into a shrug. “Casserole, fifth-dimensional tentacle monstrosity? What’s the difference?” “Ponies usually eat casseroles, not the other way around.” Discord paused,his lips rebelling, toppling the parts of his muscle that were making him seem annoyed, and ascending upwards into a grin. “Touché, Pinkie, touché.” Pinkie continued, “I just don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.” The dethroned frown muscles quickly regathered their forces and crushed the insipid ‘grin rebellion’. “Why I’ll have you know, I’m taking this as serious as I have ever taken anything before!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! We both know that’s not saying much.” Discord crossed his arms and turned away. “Hmmmph, like you're one to talk.” “Excuuuuuuse me?” Discord turned back around. “Oh please, Pinkie Pie is going to lecture anypony on being serious!?” Pinkie Pie extended her forelegs and used her tail to swing her body on herself upwards. She grabbed Discord by the head and placed her own face little more than a horse hair’s breadth away from Discord’s. “I may not be the most serious pony out there… I may even be one of the least serious, but I always, always, always take friendship very seriously!” As Pinkie’s vice-like grip squeezed on his head, Discord found himself quite taken aback. Taken aback in the sense that his train of thought, a Friendship Express currently conducted and occupied with dinosaurs at the moment, derailed violently off the tracks, careening into an active volcano and causing a mass extinction event that wiped out the rest of their kind. Discord calmly raised a car jack with his Lion’s paw, placed it in-between Pinkie’s forelegs, and cranked the jack so it extended, forcing Pinkie to let go of him. He then raised his delicious treat up to his mouth which he opened wide. “Don’t you dare!” Pinkie said as she now swung back and forth like a pendulum on the tree branch. The hints of a smile appeared on his open mouth as Discord chomped down on the hair and swallowed it in one bite. Shame too, he was really enjoying the taste. Discord heard the sound of teeth grinding against each other. “I’m going to make your life a living nightmare!” Discord looked up, surprised Pinkie was capable of such a threatening tone, or the near-homicidal expression that went with it. Still, what did he have to fear? He, the Lord of Chaos? Discord threw the ice cream cone behind him, impaling his mail box which let out an anguished cry of pain. He simply smiled and reached out to pluck Pinkie off the tree with his eagle talon. “Well, I did so enjoy your little visit, but I have ever so much messing-up to do….” Discord said as he began walking across the grass, open air, and pile of heads that were always screaming. “Don’t think this is over!” the mane-less pink pony added. She was right... in a way, Discord was going to have to have another ‘talk’ with Twilight over his behavior… probably Fluttershy, too… He’d apologize to Pinkie. Say he was still learning… Maybe sprinkle in some tears… The ponies always seemed to eat that right up… Oh, it was all so tedious… But I guess that’s all part of working the kinks in this friendship business… He mused as he opened an ornate wooden door that was quickly burning down to solid metal. “That was a lot of fun!” Discord said. “We should really do it again sometime! How long does it take hair to grow back again?” “Night. MARE!” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. Discord unceremoniously tossed Pinkie back into a boring reality still bound by the laws of physics, time, and whatever magic could impose on it. Before the metal door closed shut Discord heard a determined “It. Is. ON!” ‘SLAM!’ Discord paused for just a moment. Pony or not, Pinkie wasn’t anything close to ordinary, any being could see that. Discord smiled to himself. Still… She was, after all, just a pony. What could she really do? “We’re not thirsty enough!” a familiar whine floated across the spiraling ether. Ah, there were the trees. Right on… right on schedule… Discord narrowed his eyes and the floating trees screamed as they were suddenly ripped asunder by pure chaotic energy. He shook his head. Order in my realm? His smile returned. Perish the thought.
Chapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable VictoryThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable Victory Discord tapped his dragon foot impatiently as he stared at his door. A door which he had changed to a simple wooden one with a small windowed arch near the top. The idea was that the door would look warm and inviting, hopefully soothing over… Oh what did Plant Embracer call them? Bad vibes? Yes… those things. Hopefully the door would soothe the bad vibes that Discord expected to arrive courtesy of one Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was usually here to reprimand him by now, often bringing Fluttershy to help smooth things over. It’s not that Discord was eager for this to happen, just eager for it to be over. He’d gone through the exercise several times already. Once with each of Twilight’s friends and Twilight herself. It was assumed, wrongly so, that Pinkie would have had the easiest time with Discord next to Fluttershy. In fact, she would have been second to venture into his realm had her busy schedule of throwing parties, working the bakery, and babysitting not interfered. Discord sighed and examined a mess of gray tape and cardboard hastily colored over with bright pink marker. He had gone to such lengths to make replacement hair too, and… No… This was ridiculous… This would not do at all… Discord snapped his talon, summoning a bottle of glue that he sprayed all over the ‘hair’. With another click, the glue was now diamond… like pink glitter, which he dumped all over the sticky mass. There. Pinkie would love it, and he would present it to her as soon as… Discord paused, waiting for a knock on the door. Silence. … AS SOON AS A CERTAIN PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP GOT HER ACT TOGETHER AND ACTUALLY SHOWED UP! Discord let out a huff. He couldn’t very well just sit here waiting all da— The light in Discord’s realm suddenly disappeared, replaced by darkness, the squeaking of bats, and the sound of tiny rockets. Well, he couldn’t very well sit here waiting all ni— Light suddenly pierced the darkness, darkness letting out a death rattle as it’s horrible existence was vanquished by a puncture wound inflected by day. Well, Discord couldn’t very well spend all vaguely-defined time period waiting around to be lectured at! The lawn was going through an Emo phase and had cut itself. His dishes had gotten tired of being covered in filth and mold and had escaped to his shower, deciding to simultaneously wash themselves and the ancient soap scum from his shower walls. Discord sighed. His flower garden had miraculously exiled all the salt he carefully seeded and was flourishing once again! Worst of all, the salt had been exiled to his weed garden where it declared itself the ruling class and now ruled over ‘Weedtopia’ with an iron fist. … Discord would probably let that last one slide for now. BUT THE OTHER THINGS! Those were all things that required his attention. He couldn’t wait anymore. If Twilight wouldn’t come to lecture him, he would simply have to go to her and lecture the princess about lecturing him. Discord opened his door and stepped out of his shifting realm into a hallway in Canterlot castle. He began walking. Princesses Celestia and Luna insisted he be easy to get ahold of should they need of him or his skills, and admittedly the location meant an endless parade of stuffy nobles to mess with. Neither of the princesses currently taking residence seemed to protest to that, however he often caught an earful from their stuffy scheduling advisor Kibitz. Sadly, he had promised not to mess with the castle staff too much… Besides, he had to admit ‘Kibitz’ had a bit of a ring to it. ‘Honk!’ Discord jumped. Had he… Did he just step on a bicycle horn? Lifting his dragon foot revealed a curly brass bike horn with a red rubber squeezer. How… How had he not sensed that before stepping on it? Had he been that lost in thought that he simply missed it? It couldn’t be… No… Discord dismissed the pink pony that began hopping through his thoughts almost as immediately as she appeared. Or rather, it was much more likely Pinkie simply dropped it on her way in or out. He had more important matters at the moment than entertaining the notion that Pinkie could somehow sneak objects in his wake without him noticing them. For instance, he needed to decide how to travel to Twilight’s castle. Teleportation? Hmmm… Too mundane… Too desperate-looking. He should take his time on this. Train? Way too mundane. Way too much time, even for an immortal. Zeppelin? Also a bit slow. And there was a slight possibility it’d catch fire and crash on approach to Ponyville. Rocket-propelled Zeppelin? Discord smiled. Much faster. Almost guaranteed to catch fire and crash on approach to Pony— ‘CRACK!’ There was a miniature explosion under Discord’s hoof that sent him leaping into the air. Seemed he had stepped on a smallpopper. Little more than a piece of paper filled with volatile powder that cracks when disturbed. This was more than coincidence. Discord allowed himself a chuckle and kept walking. Alright, Pinkie. Props for surprising someone as old as Equestria itself, but it’ll take more than a few noise makers to… ‘Squish!’ Discord’s shoulders slumped. … There’s a pie on my hoof. Discord leaned down while simultaneously bringing his foot up, effectively turning his body into a ‘C’ shape as he inspected the pie. Apple. He took a bite. Delicious. He quickly unhinged his jaw and placed it over the pie, sliding his mouth back and swallowing. A pie-shaped lump made it down his throat and into his tubelike body before seemingly hitting something inside him with a solid ‘thunk’ and disappearing. Discord looked down the hall. Empty. Mostly because he was now a few steps away from exiting the hallway. It was incredibly unlikely he’d step in something between where he stood now and the entrance into the foyer. … Walking was overrated anyhow. Discord picked his hoof off the ground with his lion paw and then his dragon foot off the ground with his eagle talon. He floated through the hallway into the foyer... ‘POP!’ ‘PHOOOOWEEEEEEE!’ ‘POP!’ ‘BOOM!’ … where he was assailed by a cacophony of pops, booms, and other noises as confetti pelted him from all angles. Clearly, Pinkie had brought her ‘A’ game. Discord felt the kettle in his head come to a boiling point. Alright, forget Twilight! If little miss pink prankster thinks she can sprinkle a few well-placed traps out for me and just get away with it, she’s got another thing coming. Discord snapped his eagle talon and was suddenly outside Canterlot castle. Floating above the structure in what was a fairly typical, gentle, boring day of weather for the ponies. He scowled down at Ponyville. With another ‘snap’ of his talon, a blood-red zeppelin hung in the air like a predator ready to strike. A really fat, floating predator that lacked teeth, claws, a mouth… really anything except what a giant floating blood-red balloon with fins and fans at the back might have, but a predator nonetheless. Discord examined the front of the zeppelin, stroking his beard. A lightbulb appeared over his head. A lightbulb he grabbed and unscrewed, revealing a marker underneath the glass bulb. He quickly zipped about the front of the zeppelin adding angry eyes and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. He floated back to admire his work. Well… it was a start… still not intimidating enough. Discord’s eyes widened. Soon he had created and attached the world’s largest hockey mask and the world’s largest side-mounted chainsaw to what was now the world’s scariest zeppelin. Equally terrifying to those it approached and those riding it, especially with the added rockets. Speaking of those riding it, there was just one more thing missing… An orchestra. Strings, woodwinds, and yes… even a slew of trombones. As confused as the ponies where, they were professionals and understood they still had a job to do. Besides, some of the classical music playing ponies had experience with suddenly being teleported while in the middle of a concert. These things just sort of happen, you know? The chainsaw-wielding, hockey-masked zeppelin lurched forwards as rockets quickly accelerated it towards Ponyville. From atop the zeppelin, wearing a wide brimmed green army hat and combat pants, Discord could smell the burning rocket fuel as the wind whipped past him. It smelled like… …victory.
Chapter 3: NowheresverseThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 3: Nowheresverse Well, things were off to a fantastic start. The giant ‘whirring’ chainsaw made the zeppelin incredibly uneven and the hockey mask made it front-heavy. Yet the rockets propelled it forward at a swift speed which turned the whole thing into a quick, but somehow also lumbering, sky beast. The orchestra was in near complete disarray, producing a discorded sound of panicked yelps, attempts to play the violin or flute with the odd ‘blat’ of a trombone. Only a single gray earth pony mare with a treble clef cutie mark and pink bowtie continued to play the cello almost as if everypony wasn’t on a zeppelin that had now caught fire from the rockets and was speeding towards a populated city. Such a professional, that one. Discord mused as he watched the chaos he had created with a profound sense of satisfaction. He looked up at the ever-approaching Ponyville. Sugarcube corner? Hmmmmm… No… That’s upping things too quickly… So far this is a harmless prank war of stepping on pies or small fireworks and hair-eating… I should park out of the way and maybe just fill Pinkie’s lungs with taffy when I see her next. Besides, I don’t think Twilight would quite forgive me for the Equineity of a fiery blimp crash that killed many ponies. Discord glanced down the side of the blimp, waiting for a violent tilt to make the gondola full of orchestra ponies visible. With a series of yelps and the frantic sound of ponies trying to play their instruments, a pile of the ponies soon appeared. Discord snapped his fingers equipping each pony with a bike helmet, elbow and knee pads, and instructions of what to do in case a Boeing 747 was about to crash. There, that ought to do it. Discord looked forward. Let’s see… if I maintain current trajectory I should land fiery and loudly on… the school. Discord frowned, he’d never hear the end of that one, and when you’re immortal and live with other immortals ‘never’ could very well mean ‘never’. He clapped his lion paw and talon together, producing a small joystick on a squashed-square platform with a single red button in the corner. He quickly pulled the joystick to the right, pitching the zeppelin away from the school. There was a ‘snap’ as the tethers holding the giant chainsaw in place broke from the sudden movement. ‘CRASH!’ “OH, COME ON!” Discord peered over the side, seeing he had successfully added the massive chainsaw to the very center of Ponyville Schoolhouse’s playground. Even now the chainsaw still motored, flinging bits of monkey bar and slide in all directions! What fun. Why, some pink filly with a purple-and-white mane was there, likely in awe of the wonderful new addition. “You’re welcome, young pony!” Discord shouted down. “I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BUY YOU AND SELL YOU TO A CIRCUS!” came the response from below. Wow! So delighted was this child, she wanted to send Discord to the circus. Discord felt something like pride well up inside him… or perhaps it was just the vibrations the zeppelin was making as it was shaken apart and all the combined screams of the ponies in it. Either way, the clock tower was about to have a very bad day in 3… 2… ‘KABOOOOOOOOOM!’ 1! Discord was on the ground in an instant, wearing a navy-blue pillbox hat with a gold emblem, a similarly-colored uniform with a small pair of gold wings pinned just over where his heart would be if it would only stop sneaking off when he wasn’t looking, and a matching skirt that went just below his knees. He reached up and pulled out a half-melted intercom out of the flaming gasbag and bent structure that was starting to sag closer and closer to the ground. “Welcome to Ponyville, ehhhhhhh... Local time is 12:42 PM,” He said as ponies screamed and galloped about as they saved their instruments and themselves before running off into town. “Ehhhhhhhhhh… We’d like to thank you for flying Air Discord. We know you don’t have any options when it comes to being teleported against your will, but we thank you for being such good sports about it.” The giant hockey mask suddenly broke free of the wreckage, its massive strap most likely burnt or melted by now. It rolled along its edge down a hill, landing inside a pond and sending a miniature tidal wave in all directions that soaked trees, ponies, and everything in the immediate area. Discord continued talking into his intercom, the cord which attached it to the rest of the zeppelin having melted off completely at this point, “Ehhhhhhhhh… The contents of the overhead bins might have shifted or caught fire during the flight, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah… Please remember Air Discord the next time you don’t have a choice about flying and don’t hesitate to suggest a good ‘ol engine fire to keep things interesting if you somehow choose to fly with somepony else. Ta-ta!” The gray earth pony cello player calmly walked by on all fours, carrying a large cello case on her back and helmet, knee and elbow pads still strapped on. Discord placed the intercom back in the melting structure which suddenly collapsed, violently sending a shower of twisted and burning metal in all directions. The mare continued walking, only adjusting her cello case as a piece of rubble banged into it, knocking it out of position slightly. “Just a second,” Discord said to the mare. The mare stopped, not bothering to turn as Discord floated up to her and presented her with a small pair of golden wings. “The captain wants to thank you for being such a good junior flier today.” The mare took the wings in a forehoof, and shifted so her cello case slid off her body. She caught it and gently placed it on the ground, opening it and placing the wings inside it before closing it again. “Ta,” she said simply as she put the case back on her back and continued trotting to Ponyville. Discord waved. A light-green pegasus holding a French horn… Wait… do ponies call them French horns? Do they have some stupid horse name for them? Anyhow… A light-green pegasus with a fiery-colored mane of fire holding a… twisty horn ran past Discord and fell into a roll as he descended a hill towards Ponyville. The roll caused the pony to go bald… or rather put out the fire that engulfed the pony’s head. Discord squinted slightly. Bald… bald… Right! Pinkie Pie! I need to… need to… Discord had the sinking feeling he was being watched. Which was strange, as he could usually tell when he was being watched by simply taking stock of whatever molecules that composed eyes were facing him. This was different… a sort of unnerving sense that caused the hairs on the back of his neck-body to stand up straighter than usual. Discord moved his head from side to side. Nopony around except those trotting, galloping, or crawling away from the burning wreckage. Discord moved his head from front to back only to see more of the same. He moved his head from down to u— Discord flinched slightly as he looked up. Somehow the clouds in the sky all resembled ponies. Ponies that seemed to be staring down at him… ponies without manes, yet a fluffy tai… Discord scowled, bent down so his skirt touched the ground, and lifted it up over his head. His outfit was replaced with brown boots, light-brown pants, a brown hunter’s coat, and a large brown-and-red hunting hat. He then unrumpled his stewardess outfit revealing a shotgun. Dropping the navy-blue outfit which collected into a watery puddle at his feet, Discord pointed his shotgun straight at the sky and opened fire. One by one, shot by shot, the clouds fell to the ground almost as if Discord was shooting birds out of the sky. Soon, the parts of the ground that weren’t still on fire were covered in a thick, hazy, vaguely pony shaped fog. “WHAT THE HECK?!” came a familiar cry of frustration quickly followed by a rainbow-colored dash which zoomed down towards the ground in front of Discord. The light-blue pony that owned both the voice and the dash glowered up at Discord. “What, they looked at me funny,” Discord said as he began polishing his shotgun. “They’re clouds!” Rainbow Dash said in irritation. “Wow! Racist much?” “I’m not being racist!” Rainbow Dash answered indignantly. “You can’t be racist against clouds!” “That’s exactly what a racist would say! Racist!” Rainbow pulled up her lip and glared at Discord as her entire head vibrated with anger. Watching the blood slosh around in her noggin was definitely a sight-beyond-sight to behold. “Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to get these back in the sky?!” “See!” Discord said. With a flick of his wrist his gun turned into a sponge he used to scrub off the outfit he was wearing. “Now you’re saying clouds are lay-about, do nothings! Just… wow…. I can’t believe one of the Elements of Harmony is a racist.” “I AM NOT A RACIST!” Rainbow Dash screamed. “Again, something a racist would say,” Discord said as sat the sponge down and gave it a pat on the back. The sponge ran off, yipping all the way. Rainbow Dash let out a series of rage-filled growls and incomprehensible sounds in response. “I’d love to sit here and play cave-pony with you, but I really must find Pinkie Pie, so if you could be a dear and—” “GRaaargagaphaaaa buuuuuuuSUGARCUBEuuuuuuuuk yoooooooooCORNERuuuuuu blllllrgghghgghPROBABLYergrgcchchhchchc…” “Hmmmm… I don’t think that’s a real place,” Discord said. He shrugged. “I’ll just check Sugarcube Corner, thanks.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Rainbow Dash’s scream followed Discord all the way down to Ponyville, until… “DISCORD!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “YOU PUT THESE CLOUDS BACK IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW,OR I’M TELLING TWILIGHT WHAT A HORSE APPLE-HEA—” Discord snapped his finger and suddenly hundreds of colorful balloons all tied to the clouds appeared. The clouds ascended back towards the heavens at a rapid pace. “Wha…!” Rainbow Dash cried out as she was suddenly lifted upwards. Discord walked slowly and deliberately through Ponyville, casting a wary eye in front of him to check for horns, pies, or any other surprises he might step in. As he reached his eye, he’d bend down, pick it up, and cast it again. He grabbed a brown cloth sign that read ‘Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium’ in white lettering and wrapped it around himself, a wide brimmed cowboy hat appearing as he did. His spurs jingled with each step of his cowboy boots as he spotted Sugarcube corner. He narrowed his eyes at the offending building. Inside was a pink pony who would pay for— Discord caught something pink out of the corner of his eye. He turned, drawing the canisters of silly-string holstered on on his hips and sprayed. The window he hit glared at with its new neon green eyes from above its equally new neon-blue mustache. He caught something pink out of the corner of his eye again. He turned, fired, and was treated to a dayglow red-and-orange pout from another window. How is she… THERE! Discord turned and emptied the contents of his canisters into a puddle which suddenly looked at him with a grumpy and soggy pile of multicolored silly string. Discord sneered and closed his eyes. He reached out with his senses. There’s no way Pinkie could hide from him… …There… There she was… but… but… somehow barely … Like she existed in the very furthest corner of reality itself. Discord’s eyes shot open. … How? … How?! What… is she…? … Discord would just have to ask her directly. With a snap of his talon, Discord found himself in a realm very different from Equestria and very different from his own. There was no ground, no sky, no substance… just… just… black-and-white static that seemed to go on forever in all directions. For the first time in what seemed like a millennium, Discord felt fear and some degree of detachment from his sense of self. He raised his hands in front of his face to confirm he was still here and went through the physical trouble of breathing a sigh of relief, happy with his choices to pick a corporeal form. “Heya, Discord!” Discord looked up… at least… ‘up’ in relationship to his feet and head. Still mane-less, Pinkie pie swam through the nothingness… doing a backstroke with a relaxed expression on her face as if this was the most natural place in all existence. A startling thought occurred to Discord that maybe it was. For a brief, uncharacteristic moment, Discord found himself at a loss for words. “What… How… How are you—” Discord paused, unsure the word he was about to use even applied at this point “—here?” Pinkie giggled. “Silly Discord, I am everywhere und nowhere!” she answered, invoking a creepy German accent for some reason. Wait… Do ponies call it Germany? Hrmmm… They probably have some stupid horse name based on Duetschland, or something. I should— Discord’s thoughts were cut off by another giggle. “Watcha thinking ‘bout?” Discord looked up at Pinkie. “Do ponies say ‘Germany’, or do they have a different word for it?” Pinkie pursed her lips and gave Discord a thoughtful look. “I don’t know. What’sa Germany?” Discord lowered his head and shook it. “I thought as much…”His head came up, fire in his face that was clearly visible from behind his eyes. “Look, you troublesome pink prat, I—” “What’sa ‘prat’?” “Oh! Well it’s another word for ‘flank’ or ‘behind’, You know, a— I don’t need to explain this to you! I came for revenge!” Pinkie narrowed her eyes and swam closer to Discord. “Revenge?! I’m the one who’s out a mane in case you’ve forgotten!” Pinkie said, pointing to the top of her head with a forehoof. “Oh, right. That,” Discord said. He produced the mess of cardboard, tape, glue, and pink glitter. “I made you a new one.” Pinkie gasped and grabbed hold of the cardboard ‘wig’ with both hooves. “Glitter!” she said excitedly. Discord chuckled. “I knew you’d like it.” “Like it?! I love it!” Pinkie announced in a high-pitched squee. She placed her new ‘hair’ on her head. “How do I look? Sparkly? Spectacular? Spectacularly Sparkly?” Pinkie began to hop up and down… relative to her positionless position, anyhow. “Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let’s go back and get a mirr—HEY!” Pinkie interrupted herself angrily. “Oh, what is it now?” “I’m still peeved at you!” “Oh right,” Discord said, “and I at you.” “You know,” Pinkie began, a trace of irritation still in her voice, “I wouldn’t be so darn mad if you actually felt sorry for anything you’ve done.” “Sowwrry?” Discord practically choked out as if he just said a word with a very foreign pronunciation. “Oh, please,” he continued with a dismissive wave. “The things I’ve done to you ponies are harmless trifles at best. You all just blow them out of proportion. What do I possibly have to be sorry for?” “Hmmmm,” Pinkie replied in a flippant tone. “I guess you only feel sorry when you’re the one being hurt or betrayed.” Memories of Tirek hit Discord like a space train that was being propelled through hyperspace with a warp drive. If words could cut, Discord would have found himself a pile of disconnected limbs, body sections, and a head. As it so happened, whether words actually could cut in this place or Pinkie’s words simply affected him that deeply, Discord did fall apart into many pieces and began floating about. Discord’s head rotated amongst the static filled nothingness to face Pinkie. “But… But… That’s not…” Pinkie simply narrowed her eyes. “Face it! You still don’t have the first clue about friendship. You’re still just doing what you want, when you want to, and faking the rest when you feel you have to!” Discord swallowed hard, a lump traveled down his throat and through his disconnected body. Pinkie’s words reverberated through his skull… no… his entire being. Permeating through him and seeping into every molecule of his body because… … because… …maybe… … just maybe… … they were true. … No. NO! N-O-EXCLAMATION MARK I will not be lectured by a pony who makes friends with rocks and turnips when she thinks she’s been abandoned. Discord suddenly snapped back into his whole Draconequus form in front of Pinkie. Positioning his feet level with her own as best he could and glowering down at her to emphasize the full difference in their heights. He pointed down at her with his lion paw. “Now you listen directly to me you insipid, insignificant little pony! You’ve got some power beyond other ponies’ comprehension, I’ll give you that, but you are still nothing compared to me! You are a mere blink in the grand scheme of things. Just another pony who will be lost in time.” Discord smiled wickedly. “You’re just a tear in the rain, Pinkie Pie.” Discord waited. Waited for Pinkie to explode with ineffectual rage. Waited for her to start shrieking at him. Just another pony raging against their own mortality. To his surprise, Pinkie sighed sadly and hung her head. “Oh, Discord…” She said in a melancholy tone. “You really don’t understand. Maybe… maybe you just can’t…” She looked up with an almost heartbroken look on her face. “I’m sorry, Discord… I really am.” ‘So… sorry’?! ‘Ca… CAN’T UNDERSTAND’?! I AM THE LORD OF CHAOS! I CAN SEE THE ESSENCE OF MAGIC ITSELF AND HAVE TRAVELED TO COUNTLESS DIMENSIONS AND WORLDS! HOW DARE SHE?! Discord glared at Pinkie with a look beyond anger. Beyond blind, seething hatred. He would hit her where it hurt the most. He would teach her that there are things in this world you just don’t aggravate and that he was at the very top of the list. Discord thought for a moment… … smiled inwardly… … closed his eyes … … snapped his talon … … and smiled outwardly. “Gummy is with the cake twins,” Discord said with grin so wicked it would make a demon blush. Pinkie looked up in confusion. “Yeah? So…?” Somehow Discord’s grin widened, both physically and in a manner that somehow seemed to dip into a dimension of pure malevolent joy. “I gave him teeth.” Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Celestia, no…” she murmured. Suddenly the static world seemed to fade away, or rather, the real world began fade in. It was not as if Pinkie or Discord were returning to reality, but rather as if reality was rushing back to meet them. Both were suddenly in Sugarcube Corner’s main room, surrounded by cakes and various confectionaries. “Pi-Pinkie?” Discord and Pinkie turned. Mrs. Cake stared at them from behind the counter as if she couldn’t believe her eyes. Trying to regain her composure, she added, “I didn’t know you were bringing—” Mrs. Cake eyed Discord wearily. “—A gues—” Pinkie moved with such a speed she practically teleported on top of the bakery counter directly in front of Mrs. Cake, “Ta-TWINS! WHERE?!” Mrs. Cake leaned back, surprise and concern written across her face. She pointed past Pinkie. “They’re just right over there, playing with Gum-” The alligator was in Pinkie’s hooves in an instant. She caught a flash of something white in Gummy’s mouth and quickly looked downward, panic having set up shop in every fiber of the ponies being. “Hehehe!” “Pa-Pwinkie!” Pinkie let out the longest, loudest sigh of relief she ever had in her life. The twins were fine and merely clambered about her as if was playtime with her once again. Pinkie looked back up, holding Gummy out for her to see. His almost perfectly square set of teeth chattered rhythmically as a tiny white knob turned slowly. Pinkie turned and immediately attempted to disintegrate Discord with her vision, which meant it was a good thing for Discord that Pinkie wasn’t actually him, otherwise she would have succeeded. Discord’s beyond-archdemon grin simply remained. “Good joke, no?” “Good joke, no,” Pinkie emphasized. She pulled the fake plastic teeth out of Gummy’s mouth and set the toothless alligator down, holding the teeth up in a forehoof. “How could you just toy with somepony’s emotions like—” ‘BOOM!’ “AH!” Mrs. Cake cried out in shock and alarm as the teeth in Pinkie’s hoof exploded. “AHHH!” “WHAA!” Pound Cake zipped over to his mother, throwing himself into her waiting forelegs as Pumpkin Cake dashed around the bakery counter and leaped up to join her brother. Discord remained motionless, same grin on his face. Pinkie’s head from eyes up had been blasted black by the explosion, while her muzzle to her neck had been blasted white. She turned. The Cake twins screamed. Mrs. Cake flinched and turned, shielding the twins from the sight in front of them as she tried to calm her children. Discord chuckled and shook his head. “What a positively nightmarish look you’ve discovered.” The teeth from the toy had perfectly arranged themselves around Pinkie’s closed and blackened eyelids making it look like she had two extra sets of mouths where her eyes should be. She slowly reached up and began picking the teeth out of her eyes. Discord felt his brow tighten. He assumed Pinkie would be livid even, if by some miracle, she maintained external composure. However, she seemed perfectly calm both externally and internally. By the time the final tooth was removed, the Cakes had been calmed. In fact, the room was now eerily quiet, as if even the tiny foals could sense the tension of a pot about ready to boil over and cover everyone in the vicinity with scalding hot liquid. Pinkie turned towards and Discord and opened her eyes. “Of course you know, this means war.” Discord chortled. “Oh please, am I going to step on more pies? A firecracker this time? Oooo! Maybe a pie filled with firecrackers!” In a cool, measured tone, Pinkie replied, “I will reach out to that what you hold most dear and destroy it.” Discord smiled, but it was a smile of pure disbelief. “Really? You really think you’re capable of something like that?” Slowly, a grin crept onto Pinkie’s face. A grin that would have put Discord’s own beaming evil smile to shame. “I know I am… And the best part is… you won’t see it coming...” She giggled. The twins whimpered. Mrs. Cake swallowed. “I’m… I’m just going to take the twins out for a walk…” Mrs. Cake put the twins on her back and began trotting towards the front door. The trot soon turned into a gallop as Mrs. Cake found herself rushing for the door with a speed she hadn’t thought herself capable of for many years. The door slammed shut behind her. Pinkie continued, “You see… It’s something so precious to you… so close to you… You’ve never thought for one second… for one instant it could be taken away” –Pinkie’s eyes widened with a madness beyond anything Discord had witnessed in a pony in all his uncountable years –“but it can!” Discord’s smile disappeared. He was no longer amused. He was once again, just angry. “You pathetic pink pony, you really think—” “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRD!” Discord and Pinkie turned as the bakery door flew open revealing Twilight Sparkle, currently the very picture of outrage. Her wings had been extended to their full span and she locked vein, red tractor beam-like eyes on Discord. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?!” Discord sighed. “Looks like I have some ‘splaining to do.” Twilight continued, “THE CLOCK TOWER IS ON FIRE, THERE-THERE’S A GIANT HOCKEY MASK IN THE SWIMMING POND, THERE’S A GIANT BUCKIN’ CHAINSAW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOLHOUSE’S NEW PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT, AND ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE TO ARRANGE TRANSPORTATION FOR MEMBERS OF THE CANTERLOT ROYAL ORCHESTRA!” Discord blew a dismissive gust of air. “You say that last one as if every instance of that happening was somehow my fault.” Twilight grit her teeth. “WHAT ABOUT THE CHAINSAW?!” Discord shrugged. “I thought you ponies liked to play on giant chainsaws! Clearly there’s been a miscommunication!” Twilight’s entire body began to quake with rage. “MIS-MIS-MISCOMMUNICATION?!” Discord snapped his fingers and was suddenly wearing black robes with a red trim, a matching black cape, and a big red feathered turban. He raised an envelope to his head. “Who is a shoe-in for most-well-spoken at this year’s Ms. Equestria?” Pinkie couldn’t help but giggle at that one. Twilight turned to shoot a quick glare at Pinkie before turning back towards Discord. Her eyes widened and she suddenly turned back to Pinkie with a concerned look. “Pinkie! What happened to your mane?! What happened to your face?!” Pinkie quickly reached behind her, producing the cardboard ‘hair’ Discord had made for her. She placed it on her head. “Nothing!” she said quickly. Twilight raised an eyebrow, her vision lingering on Pinkie’s black-from-the-eyes-up, white-from-the-muzzle-down look. “That doesn’t explain your…” Twilight let out a frustrated “Ugh!” and turned to Discord. “You have to help me fix this.” Discord gave Twilight a sort of innocent pout and slithered over to her, itching her chin with his eagle talon. “Oh but Princess Twilight, I thought me helping you would make ponies overly reliant on my powers when things got rough.” Twilight slapped Discord’s talon away, meeting his innocent look with an accusing glare. “That was with the damage Tirek caused! You did all of this!” Discord stood upright, letting his shoulders slump forward. “Oh, poo… Cleanup duty.” He said summoning a maid’s outfit, mop, and bucket. “I do so hate tidying up.” Twilight reared up on her hind legs and began pushing Discord towards the door. “Yeah, yeah. I don’t care if you complain. Just fix the messes you caused!” “Oh, if I must,” Discord answered as he was pushed outside. As Twilight pushed him forward, Discord quickly stretched the top portion of his body back into the bakery. He produced a stuffed effigy of Pinkie’s head, sans mane, and did a throat slitting motion across his neck. “Metaphor,” he said threateningly. Pinkie reached behind her and suddenly brought a can of spray whipped cream up to her face. She shook it and sprayed it all over her currently white mouth. Her muzzle now covered in whipped cream she stared back at Discord with sky-blue eyes still surrounded by blackened hair. “Witness me!” she hissed out as she leveled a forehoof at Discord. Discord grinned to himself and unstretched so he was now walking alongside Twilight. Twilight looked up and gave Discord an inquisitive look. “What was that all about?” Discord shrugged. “Just a little game Pinkie and I are playing.” Twilight looked at Discord and blinked. Her face lit up. “Really? You two are actually getting along?!” she asked excitedly. “Oh, I’m so happy you’re finally starting to learn more about friendship!” Despite being miles away, rolling around and filth somewhere, Discord felt a brief, sharp pang in his heart. He ignored it. “Oh my dear Princess Twilight Sparkle, you have no idea…”
Chapter 4: All Play and No Work Makes Discord a Sane DraconequusThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 4: All Play and No Work Makes Discord a Sane Draconequus Discord let out an exasperated groan as he drove his frozen yogurt-plated Segway down the hallway of Canterlot castle. Even the fact that he was making a melted banana-and-turnip sorbet mess wasn’t enough to make him feel better. Twilight had made him remove the chainsaw entirely. He had tried to compromise and ask if it could at least go on the side for the colts and fillies to play on, but she wouldn’t budge. His offer to bronze the giant hockey mask and make it the centerpiece of Ponyville Park had been shot out of hand. Twilight was less than thrilled to add a permanent lightning storm to the clock tower, asking ‘Who would even need 1.21 gigawatts at a moment’s notice?!’ He also had to replace all the damage caused to the instruments in the zeppelin explosion and wasn’t even allowed to fill them full of complimentary macaroni and bees. Also he got yelled at because many of the musicians were injured and probably needed therapy… or something? His ears had fallen off at one point and it took him a while to find them again. As he approached his door, Discord dismounted his Segway, letting it continue forward until it smashed into a centuries-old suit of royal guard armor on display. The Segway exploded in a fiery crash, sending debris and yogurt everywhere. Discord momentarily considered replacing the armor with a statue of him eating several hundred cans of sweetened condensed milk… Celestia would at least chuckle. “Feh,” he said dismissively as soon as he opened the door to his realm. To think he still had so many chores— From a distance, it almost seemed his front lawn had been turned into some sort of green level plane. Instead of donning his diet Colta-Cola and Mentoats jetpack, Discord teleported directly to the edge of his lawn, floating in the open air just an arm’s length away. Discord tilted his head so his eyes were level with the grass. Somehow… Each blade was completely level. Discord felt his brow tighten. He thought the grass having emotional issues and cutting itself to a roughly uniform length was bad enough, but this. This was… this was just pure, undiluted sanity this was! He felt himself peering closer… and closer… There was something… more… Discord recoiled in horror. Each blade of grass was also facing the exact same direction… How… How!? “GHA!” Discord cried out in shock and disgust. He huffed… And he puffed… And he bleeeeeeeeeeew his grass back so it at least wasn’t all facing the exact same direction. Discord smirked; his lawn was at least disheveled enough to be an average-looking lawn. Discord cringed. Well, we can’t have ‘average’, now can w— Suddenly Discord heard a breeze and felt something tussle his goatee. Somehow, the grass was uniform again. Magic? It couldn’t be… Discord would have sensed it. Discord blew another large gust of air. The grass became disorderly, and suddenly shifted back into uniformity. Discord blew again. The grass shifted back again. Discord blew. The grass returned. Discord summoned a fireball and exploded his lawn. The grass caught fire and turned to ash. The grass burned away, and with his lawn now little more than a smoking crater, Discord could finally see what was forcing his law into a single level plane. Ah-HA! Just as I suspected, it was some sort of complex, air-pumping device designed to force each blade of grass back into place should it be disturbed! Discord frowned. …No, actually that’s insane… Who would think— Discord’s eyes shot open wide. Did he… did he just question the insanity of something!? He bolted into his house and slammed the door. At least in here he’d be… be… Discord swallowed hard. His house was immaculate. The windows were washed, the carpets were perfectly cleaned, and all the dust bunnies had clearly been let loose into the wild! How dare she?! How could she?! His own home! Discord took a few calming breaths. Steady… steady… this is what she wants. I’ll just… I’ll just make something to eat… relax a bit, crash a flying lawnmower into the living room, and maybe let loose a pack of baboon-mounted mountain goats around the house. Discord sighed as he floated into his kitchen. Of course it was spotless too. He checked the sink. It was empty. Great. Just great. If his pans weren’t there, then… No… She… She wouldn’t… Discord gulped and leaned down, opening a cupboard by the side of the stove. She would. She did! SHE PUT THE PANS IN THE CUPBOARD NEXT TO THE STOVE! DOES HER WICKEDNESS KNOW NO LIMITS!? She even… Discord felt himself quiver from the sheer horror of what he was witnessing. She even stacked all the pots and pans neatly and arranged them by size… smallest to largest, left to right, front to back. With great effort, Discord looked away, his eyes locking with… the fridge. He ran over to it and threw it open, slamming it shut nearly as quickly and throwing his back to it. He only caught a glimpse. But… but for a moment… He swore everything had been organized by food group. He dared not check the freezer. Where does it end? Did she… did she get everything?! Discord quickly took a few side steps and threw open his spice cupboard. He let out a high-pitched screech at what he saw. All his spices… even the ones with unpronounceable names and letters that didn’t exist were somehow in complete alphabetical and xerchgurgle!@#$%^phethran~!gical order! But that means my silverware is… Discord pivoted and pulled a drawer out so hard it came out of his counter entirely, falling to the ground along with his lion’s paw he let detach from his body. His silverware drawer… It… it… It’s full of silverware! No! NO!And it’s all placed nice and neat in one of those silverware holders! But if my silverware is here… Where’s my werewolf slaying kit?! Discord placed his talon on his chest and took a few deep breaths. Maybe they didn’t have a place for it. Maybe it was thrown out into the swirling, shifting, screaming nothingness of his backyard in complete disa— Discord’s caught something out of the corner of his eyes. There... there was a label… A label on one of his cupboards. The one where he usually kept his bowler-skating equipment. A label that said, ‘Monster-fighting stuff’ in pink glitter pen. The ‘i’ was even dotted with a heart. Shaking with fright, Discord leaned over and pulled the cupboard open… His wolfsbane, silver bullets and revolver were there, all clearly labeled with sticky notes with a placard that read ‘Werewolf’ in front of it. His stakes, wooden mallet, holy water… ALL OF IT WAS LABELED in a newly created ‘Vampire’ section! Discord quickly reached in and grabbed a baseball bat from the new ‘Piñata’ section. He began to swing the bat wildly as he gripped it one-handed near the top of the handle. “Stay away from me!” he cried, swinging his bat in the direction of his pots and pans cupboard. “Please!” Discord swung at the fridge, his bat glancing off the side with a ‘thwack’. “Don’t hurt me!” he pleaded as he smashed the bat into his spice cupboard, sending colorful powders in all directions. Discord took a step back from the overly organized cloud he had just created. ‘Jingle’ Discord looked down. He had just placed his dragon’s foot directly into the silverware drawer that was on the ground. It would be missed. Discord took a one-handed swing at his own foot, with a solid ‘crack!’ his foot went sailing off his body and shattered a kitchen window. “Stay away from me!” he screamed at the ‘Monster Fighting Stuff’ cupboard as he leveled his bat at it. Then… only then… did he notice. So desperate for something to defend himself was he that he didn’t even take notice… On the side of the bat was a sticky note… A note with the letters… B A T “STAY AWAY!” Discordshrieked as he let his eagle talon fall to the floor, still gripping the bat. He hopped out of the kitchen and into the dining room as fast as he could on his goat leg, letting out a cry of despair as he noticed all the chairs had been perfectly arranged and spaced at his dining room table (somepony even fixed the uneven leg so it didn’t need a water balloon to hold it in place). He hopped through a pair of perfectly straightened red satin curtains that separated his dining room from the hallway, letting the curtains slide over him as he currently didn’t have hands to part them with. He was determined to make it to his room where… Well, he’d probably have to unmake the bed… but that was nothing compared to… compared to… Discord caught sight of himself in the mirror. What happened to you, Discord? You’re falling apart. You… you… Discord’s eyes shot open wide as he took a closer look at his face… or rather… his eyebrows. They… they were perfectly symmetrical. His left eyebrow was supposed to be bushier! He knew that. Suddenly he noticed it… He couldn’t tell if it had just been put there or if it had been snuck in during his panicked frenzy, but there was something in his mouth that shouldn’t be there. Discord opened his mouth, glanced in the mirror, and let out a blood-curdling scream. There were two fangs in in his mouth! Also, he needed to replace his blood with some that hadn’t just been spoiled by screaming, but that was of secondary concern. Discord wrapped his tongue around the offending fang and ripped it out, flinging it back towards the dining room entrance as he tried to hop once more down the hallway. He quickly lost his balance and fell chin first to the disgustingly clean wooden floor. ‘Thud!’ As much as he loathed having more contact with the floor, he needed to move fast. Well, he knew how to slither, but that meant he now had extra weight. There was no time to carry dead weight around. His goat leg popped off and he slithered down the hall until he reached his bedroom door. He turned the bedroom knob with his mouth and practically fell inside. Much to his chagrin, the bed was made. In fact, his plaid and polka-dot comforter had been replaced with a tasteful light blue one. He shuddered to think that it was probably in his Lenin closet and that his souvenir from the Russian Mausoleum was… I don’t know… It was probably next to his Egypt bandage collection in the basement. Pinkie better not have opened his souvenir; it was still mint in box. Anyhow, first he’d have to unmake the bed. But how? All his limbs were now contaminated and no longer attached to him. … Of course! Robot limbs! Discord instinctively tried to snap his talon, but then remembered it was no longer attached to his body. Slightly miffed, he settled for snapping his tongue. Shiny and chrome arms and legs appeared on him instantly. He gripped the blankets tightly and— Is that a mint on the pillow? Don’t mind if I do! Discord quickly grabbed the mint and ate the wrapper, spitting out the sweet treat. Then he grabbed the blankets and threw them on the floor. Huh… I didn’t even have to spend a millisecond arguing with my limbs to get them what to do… Maybe robot limbs are the way to… … way to… Stop, stop, stop! Discord stopped and looked at his limbs. Mechanic… Orderly. Had… Had he fallen? Had he fallen completely to the nonchaotic side? No! It wasn’t too late. He could… He could put it back, right? Or… or… He could make new organic limbs! Maybe a nice tentacle or giraffe leg. Discord raised his right metal arm and held his fingers as if to snap them, but stopped and stared at the new appendage. Discord gave a melancholy sigh as he stared at his robot limbs. “Oh what have I become…? Memories of his snapping talon resurfaced. Why he remember the time he snapped it and rearranged molecules to how he saw fit… which was pretty much every time. Discord began to sniffle. “Sniff… My… my sweetest friend…?” Tears, not ice cream tears, or fruit punch tears, or even crocodile tears, but regular, salty tears began to pour down from Discord’s face. “Every…sob… everypony I know… hhehh… goes away in the… snort… end…” Discord broke into open sobs. Powerful moans that shook his body as he grabbed the comforter and wrapped it around himself. Was this what she wanted? Was this her plan all along? Had he really underestimated her so much? Was she really such the chess master that she manipulated every move of Discord’s little chrome car all the way to the end zone? Suddenly a voice spoke. Calling out to Discord in a soft, yet disturbing sing-song voice. “Diiiiiiiiiiiscooooooooooord~. Why are you a sad Sally, Discord?” Pinkie! Where is she?! Is she even anywhere? Does that question have any bearing in— Discord swallowed. —reality? “Go… GO AWAY!” Discord cried. There was a giggle. “Oh, but you didn’t even see the bathrooms yet!” “No… please… leave me be,” Discord pleaded. “Don’t tell me you put the medicine in the… in the… inthemedicinecabinet!” Another giggle. “Okay! I won’t tell you that.” Discord began to gnash his teeth and beat the ground. “How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words?” Discord glanced upwards briefly. “And actions… mostly actions, really.” “For as long as it takes…” Pinkie’s voice answered cryptically. Still kneeling, Discord furrowed his brow. “Takes for what?” Pinkie tut-tutted. “Now Dissy, where’s the fun in me just telling you?” “Look. I'm sorry about the hair…” Discord made a sound like a cat coughing up a hairball and coughed up a massive pink gob of soggy hair into his mechanical hands. “Look! See!” he said offering the hair out to… well… pretty much just his mattress as Pinkie didn’t seem to be physically in the room. “You can have it back!” “Oh, we're past that...” Discord teeth began to chatter. His eyes darted around the room in a near frenzy. “Wh-What are you going to do…?” Another giggle. “Do? Silly-Billy. I’ve already done it!” Discord swallowed. “Done what?” "I found your closet, Discord." “No...." "I divided it into sections based on outfit type..." "NO!" "And then I alphabetized those… based on color! Hehehehehehe!" All his outfits now triple organized. This was far, far beyond anything he could have dreamed or even conjured in a nightmare. Discord snapped his metallic fingers and was suddenly wearing a black outfit complete with long cape, helmet, boots, and chest plate with buttons on the front. The helmet was curved at the sides with a long breathing apparatus for his muzzle. The fact that it took Discord a microsecond shorter to conjure the outfit stung that much more. Discord threw his arms up to the heavens, clenched his fists, and screamed up to the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His house shook, windows and lamps broke, and dishes fell out of cupboards and shattered on the floor. It was a start, but… but how long until Pinkie came back? How long until she casually fixed and reorganized all he had painstakingly, haphazardly messed up? He couldn’t live like this. Discord broke into a cold sweat. I need help.
Chapter 5: Reflection and InfractionsThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 5: Reflection and Infractions Discord ran, scavenging items from his house and quickly replacing limbs as he did. He smashed a chair and made a crude peg leg. He borrowed an arm from his mannequin he kept around incase there was a power outage in Canterlot and he needed to throw a mannequin through a window for looting purposes. As loath as he was to enter it, he quickly went into his bathroom and grabbed a plunger for leg #2 and a toilet brush for his second arm. His new limbs weren’t very responsive or articulate, but at least they weren’t based on the clockwork-like order of mechanics. His mobility restored without having to affix hated machines to his body, he made a quick escape from his home... or rather, he lumbered awkwardly on his peg leg while he constantly unstuck his plunger leg from the floor. … Oh, right… I can teleport. Discord raised his toilet brush ‘hand’ in front of his face. Useless for snapping. He then examined his mannequin hand. Deceptively equally useless. He slumped his shoulders, or rather slumped his mannequin shoulder and toilet brush handle. Oh, poo… Guess I’ll just have to teleport without snapping. Hmmm… but to whom? Twilight could likely intervene, but after our disagreements on landscaping, I frankly don’t care to see her. Fluttershy? Possibly still too shell-shocked from when she was over and I showed her the mirror that only sometimes reflects hair and skin… So that leaves… Discord’s eyes widened. Of course, she’ll help! I mean… It’s her job to help her subjects, right? And I kinda, sorta live in her house in a very tangential way, dimensionally speaking… That’s practically roommates! That’s better than a subject! In a flash, Discord was standing in Celestia’s throne room. “Dis-Discord?!” Celestia exclaimed in surprise from in front of her throne. She gave Discord a quick once over and tried her best to stifle laughter. “What… pfft… what’s going…” Sitting in front of Celestia was a salmon-colored unicorn mare with silvery hair quaffed upwards on her head. She had a thorny rose for a cutie mark and wore large diamond earrings with a matching diamond choker. “Excuse me!” she said snidely to the living embodiment of chaos who currently had better things to do than deal with an obnoxiously rude pony. “You’re excused!” Discord said as he gathered the irksome pony into his appendages and tossed her through the nearest stained glass window. ‘KRIEEEEEESH!’ “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhh!” The unicorn cried in total abject fear. “Ahh!” Celestia cried in alarm. “You have to help me!” Discord pleaded. Celestia let out a few sounds that indicated she was trying and failing to find words. Discord gave her an annoyed look. Well this is going well. An orange pegasus guard with a spiked blue mane suddenly appeared in the broken window, a cut-up and terrified unicorn held in his forelegs. “Uh… Someone drop something, your highness?” the pegasus said awkwardly. Celestia let out a massive sigh of relief. “Thank you, Flash… Please take Floribunda to the hospital.” Flash shifted slightly as if he was going for a salute, his ‘passenger’ letting out a startled yelp as she slipped slightly. Flash quickly tightened his grip and nodded to Celestia with some degree of embarrassment. “Yes, your highness,” he said before flying away from the window. Discord rolled his eyes. “Great, she’s fine. Can we talk about my super important problem now?” “Discord!” Celestia said sternly as she flew down in front of him. “I of all ponies can understand wanting to throw Floribunda out a window, but there are things you just don’t do.” Discord gave Celestia an irritated look. “Oh please, she barely lost any of that… uh… fluid stuff ponies and other animals keep inside them…” Celestia narrowed her eyes. “You mean blo—” Discord quickly raised his mannequin hand, putting over Celestia’s mouth and causing the Princess to go cross-eyed as she looked down. “Don’t tell me,” Discord said. “It’ll come to me.” Celestia swatted the mannequin arm away. “Discord, what is this all about?” “Blood!” Discord said. Celestia blinked a few times. “It’s about blood?” “Blood is the thing we keep in our bodies!” Discord said with a smile indicating he was quite proud of himself. Celestia let loose an exasperated sigh. “Discord, why did you teleport into my throne room—” Celestia gave Discord’s assortment of limbs another once over “—with all… with all that?!” “You have to help me!” “Yesssss… You mentioned that.” “It’s Pinkie!” “Pinkie?” “Pinkie Pie!” “I know who that is, yes…” “She’s-she’s—” Discord swallowed and began to speak in a whisper “—she’s gotten into my home!” “In-indeed?” Discord began to shiver. “She… she cleaned it.” Celestia chuckled. “Did she now?” Discord narrowed his eyes. “It’s not funny!” “Pffft… It’s a little bit funny.” Discord’s brow tightened. “Look, I really need you to talk to her.” Celestia paused for a moment. Discord watched as the preverbal gears turned in the princess’s head, or rather, the real neurons in her brain began firing off in contemplation. “Well… did you do something to provoke this sort of behavior?” Discord sneered. “Does that matter? She’s clearly gone too far. You need to… to…” Discord’s eyes widened. Celestia’s mane started to loose its shimmer… and turn… and turn… “Discord?” “Your- your mane!” Celestia gave a half smile and rolled her eyes. “Yes, it pretty much always does that sparkling, wind-blowing thing…” “No it’s…” Discord took a step back, his plunger sticking fast to the ground. “It’s turning pi…” “Turning?” “Turning pink!” Discord cried as he struggled to pull his plunger leg free. “Discord!” Celestia said mirthfully with melodic chuckle. “What’s gotten into you?” Discord pulled on his leg again. It held. He swung his toilet brush arm at Celestia. “Please! Don’t hurt me!” Celestia seemed taken aback, but Discord watched as more and more of her hair lost its shimmer, changing to a deep pink. “I’m not going to hurt you!” Celestia said. Discord swung again, his brush making contact with some of the accursed pink hair. He finally pulled the suction cup free, but tumbled to the ground. “Stay away from me!” “Discord? Friend?” Celestia smiled. A smile eerily devoid of the compassion she normally seemed to wear at all times like a comfortable coat. “Jokester of Canterlot Castle.” Discord started to shuffle back on his odd assortment of limbs. Celestia trotted forward, maintaining a short gap between her and Discord. “I’m not going to hurt you. You didn’t let me finish my sentence.” Her mane and tail were now completely pink. Far off in some distant corner of his realm, Discord felt his heart pump with a speed it had never been pumping before. “I said, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to repaint your home’s trim.” Discord gasped and rolled onto his belly, desperately trying to crawl away. “I’m going to repaint all the trim!” “Stay away from me! Don't hurt me!” Discord shrieked as he scrambled out of the throne room. As he fled he could hear Celestia break into a fit of laughter that soon sounded like… sounded like… PINKIE’S GIGGLE! Discord scrambled onto his feet… or rather, peg leg and giant suction cup. He broke into a fast limp, constantly unsticking his plunger from the ground as he attempted to spring along. Help! Help! I need… ‘Thump!’ Discord crashed into something large and solid and fell to the ground. Princess Luna looked flummoxed for a moment then looked down. “Discord? What vexes you so?” If only there was a pony here who could help him! “…Discord? Are you in peril? I’m sure I can…” There was no pony! None! None of consequence that could help him! Luna narrowed her eyes. “You do realize that you are speaking out loud, of course?” Fluttershy! Shell-shocked or not! He needed to see Fluttershy! Luna let out an aggravated sigh. “You know what? I do not believe I need this.” His options completely exhausted— “I am going back to bed!” —he teleported to Fluttershy’s cottage and immediately began tapping his mannequin hand against it. ‘Tap, tap, tap!’ “Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Please I need your help!” Discord exploded into a smile as the door opened a crack. The smile fell, smashing itself into a frown as it crashed into the desolate wastes of Disappointment Dessert. “Oh, it’s you,” said as he looked down. A small white bunny scowled back up at him. “I need to talk to Fluttershy! Where is she?!” Angel shook his head and blew a raspberry. Discord narrowed his eyes. “So that’s the way it’s going to be, hmmmm?” -ooo- ‘Poof!’ “Twilight,youhavetohelpme!” “AHHH!” Twilight cried out an alarm, dropping the book Discord’s head had just popped out of. Discord awkwardly pulled himself out of the book, throwing himself in front of Twilight on top of the massive magical map of Equestria. He kept himself low, his eyes on a level plane with Twilight’s. “It’sPinkie!She’sOnARampage!” “Discord! Slow Down!” Twilight said. “What’s going on?!” “IjustTOLDYou!Pinkiemustbestopped!She’scleaningEVERYTHING!” “Pi-Pinkie, what did—?” “… Oh, and next time you see Fluttershy it might interest her to know Angel came down with a really bad case of butt gout.” Twilight blinked a few times in surprise as she processed Discord’s words. “Bu… butt gout?” “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Discord replied, “it’s about ten times worse… Butanywaythat’sbesidesthepointyouhavetosaveme!” “Save you from Pinkie?!” Twilight said in disbelief. “Wait… What the heck happened to your limbs?!” “She did this to me!” Twilight’s lip twitched upwards slightly. “Pinkie replaced your limbs with a fake-human arm, a toilet brush, a broken chair leg, and a plunger?” “Well… No… I did that…” Discord admitted weakly. “But she drove me to this!” The twitch on Twilight’s lip only increased. “How did she drive you to… erm… to this?” “She got into my home and she cleaned and organized it!” Discord shuttered. “It’s horrid. It’s like…” Discord’s eyes widened. “It’s like she doesn’t even care how it makes me feel…” “Oh?” Twilight said. One corner of her mouth started to crawl upwards. “Now why would she go all to the trouble to do that, I wonder?” Discord’s lip began to quiver. “Because… Because she…” Discord swallowed. “Okay! I admit it! I ate her hair! I got mad and played a cruel joke on her insinuating the Cake twins were in danger! Iblew up a set of fake teeth in her face!” Discord started to weep. “I went too far,” he said softly. “And… and… I just want to tell her...” Teary eyed, Discord looked up. “… I just want to tell her how sorry I am.” Much to his surprise, Twilight looked back at him with an almost smug, elated look. She looked up to the double doors to the castle’s throne room. “Alright, every pony. We got him!” Discord watched in surprise as the doors flung open. Still maneless, Pinkie hopped in front of a group composed of Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, and Fluttershy… and Flora Squeezer for some reason. “Hehehehe! I knew we’d get him!” “Heh! As if there ever was a doubt.” “Marvelous work, everypony. Simply marvelous!” “Yeah! Right on, girls!” “Wha—what was that about butt gout?” “Whoa. That pony is messed up.” Discord looked at the ponies in disbelief. “You... all of you were in on it?” Pinkie hopped up to Discord. “Hehehe! Of course, silly Billy!” She grinned wide. “I asked a few of them to help at first.” Her happy look lessened slightly. “And pretty much everypony to help after what happened in Sugarcube Corner.” Discord scratched the back of his head with the toilet brush. “Uh… Right, right… Again, sorry for that. I went too far.” Pinkie’s expression returned to ‘elated mode’. “Oh, I forgive you!” Pinkie’s expression added a dose of self-satisfaction. “But you really thought I did everything that happened to you on my own?” Discord glanced away as he cheeks flushed slightly. “Well… maybe for just a moment…” “Hah!” Rainbow Dash cried. “As if! I shaped the clouds!” Rarity spoke up. “I touched up your eyebrow and helped with your closest.” “I um…” Fluttershy began, “… I helped map out your house from memory.” She shuddered slightly. “It was… er… pretty hard.” Twilight chuckled got up off her chair, trotting up next to Pinkie. “I assisted Pinkie in organizing, though not as much as you might think.” She looked at Pinkie. “She can be surprisingly well-organized when she wants to be.” Pinkie giggled. “Aww, shucks.” Twilight continued, “I also cut your grass so it was completely level, and helped design the device to put it back in place.” Spike smiled. “I helped hook it up to every single blade of grass.” He elbowed Living Wood Caresser lightly. “Heh, Tree Hugger here knew a tune to get all the grass facing the same direction.” Oh, right! That’s her name. Discord immediately relegated the information to the part of his brain where he kept his spare skull Hearth’s Warming lights and the stationary bike he once made a New Year's resolution to use for ‘mental exercises.’ Sapling Stroker’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh! I totally know some sonic bliss to get grass to do that.” Applejack sighed. “Ah baked a pie…” Pinkie giggled. “And I took advantages of the cracks of reality itself to be where I needed to be and change what needed to be changed.” Applejack grumbled to herself and added, “Ah also helped with the cleanup…” Discord looked at all the ponies and the dragon in amazement. Pinkie turned around and buried her head into her tail, pulling out a box wrapped in pink wrapping paper and tied up with sky-blue ribbon. “And since you apologized, I have something for you.” Discord took the gift in his mannequin hand and toilet brush. “Erm… Little help?” Pinkie rapidly unwrapped the gift and opened it for Discord. Discord looked down in surprise. “My… my arms and legs?” “Mmmmhmmm!” Pinkie said with a nod. “I collected them all and washed them in cotton candy-and-pizza pudding!” “Awwww…” Discord said as threw himself into the box, the mannequin arm and toilet brush staying suspended in place just long enough for Discord to pop out, his limbs put back into place. “Thank you, Pinkie.” His smile dropped slightly. “I regret that I left your mane back in my bedroom.” “Oh, that…” Pinkie said. She placed a forehoof in her mouth and blew hard. Her pink mass of curls suddenly popped back on top of her head. “No biggy!” Discord looked down with wide eyes. “Don’t tell me you could have done that at anytime?” Pinkie giggled. “Okay! I won’t tell you that.” Discord smiled and rolled his eyes. He focused his vision on Spike. “… You hooked up a tiny air nozzle to every single blade of grass in my yard?” Discord asked in disbelief. “There must have been millions…” Spike raised a claw. “199,342,699, to be exact.” Birch Grappler chuckled. “Man, you are one crazy talking dragon.” Discord tilted his head and looked at Twilight in amazement. Twilight shrugged. “Don’t ask me how. He’s really good at counting grass.” “Wait… All of you were in my house the entire time?!”Discord asked in disbelief. The ponies nodded. “That’s not possible! I would have sensed you!” Pinkie giggled. “Silly Discord! We were behind the couch.” Discord’s head quaked with rage. “That explains nothing!” “Well, d’uuuuuuuh! We hid under a sheet! I mean… give me some credit!” Discord’s head quaking only increased. He produced a brown paper bag, put a few short and shallow breaths into it, and then popped it with a pin letting out the anguished scream trapped inside it. Fluttershy’s eyes looked distant and hollow. “Yeah… I gave up trying to figure out what was going on about a minute into the plan.” “Okay, but what about Celestia?” Pinkie giggled. “Oh, that! Yeah, she was on it too… Apparently her hair is naturally pink. Who knew?” Discord started to feel something boil up inside him. They… they all banded together and… tortured me?! How… how insensitive do you have to be to just go and mess with…? Oh… Right… Discord let out a mirthful chuckle. “Haha! Well played, ponies! Well played! I certainly learned a valuable lesson about friendship this time.” The group paused he all looked at eachother… almost… almost nervously? “Of… of course!” Twilight said. “That’s… that’s our thing… teaching everypony about friendship.” Pinkie grinned a little too widely. “Right, right! That’s totally our thing.” Discord’s eyebrows dropped ever so slightly. “Right… right… I have a much better understanding of boundaries and what’s an appropriate joke to play on a friend.” Twilight’s eyes suddenly shot open. “Oh! Definitely! That’s absolutely a lesson one could take—I mean… the lesson we tried to teach you!” “Yes,” Rarity said in a hushed tone. “That’s very good, darling. Use that!” “Shhhh…” Twilight hushed out of the corner of her mouth without turning around. “You passed your lesson with flying colors!” Pinkie clapped her hooves together. “Congratulations!” “Yeah, dude,” Rainbow Dash said also hitting her hooves together. “Congratulations!” “Er… Yeah… Congratulations… uh… partner…” Applejack said in an unsure tone as she joined the clapping. “Congratulations, dear!” Rarity said. “Right on! Congratulations,” chimed in Spike. Willow Wrestler chuckled. “Way to go, man!” Fluttershy just looked around with concern worn on her face. “Is… is nopony but me worried about Angel Bunny?” “Well, I must be going,” Discord said as he began to walk to the door. “I’ve got a realm to mess up, you know.” “Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie said excitedly. “I can help.” “NO!” Discord said forcefully. Catching himself, he spoke in a softer tone, “Erm, thank you, but… you’ve done enough.” Discord said with an earnest smile. “Thank you, Pinkie. You’ve really taught me an invaluable lesson.” “D’awwwww,” Pinkie bounced up to Discord. “Come ‘ere, you!” she said as she wrapped her forelegs around Discord. Discord brushed his talon by his head and then returned the hug. He leaned his muzzle down and whispered into Pinkie’s ear, “Maybe see you at my place, next Saturday?” Pinkie chuckled. “Wouldn’t miss it," she said quietly. The two broke their embrace. “Well, it’s been ever so enlightening,” Discord said, “but I really must be going.” He opened one of the double doors to the throne room and stepped through it. “Ta-Ta!” he said as he stuck his lion’s paw out the door to get in one more wave. Almost immediately after the door was closed, there was a collective sigh of relief. “That was close,” Twilight said. Pinkie giggled. “I know, right? Who’d of thought Discord would figure out the lesson about friendship here before the rest of us.” Rarity tittered. “He’s nothing if full of surprises.” “Pffft… I knew it the whole time,” Rainbow Dash said. “I just figured it was so obvious it wasn’t worth saying nothin’.” Silence. Rainbow Dash sighed. “Okay, I didn’t know.” “That was mighty close,” Applejack said. “Ah’d be quakin’ in my boots if Ah were wearin’ any.” “Yeah, talk about close calls,” Spike said. “Whoa,” Oak Rangler said, “seems like everypony needs to mellow out.” “Pinkie?” Fluttershy said. “Is that… is that one of Discord’s ears on your mane?” “… Why yes it is! Hehehe… He must have dropped it when... he… hugged me… Oh, horse apples…” Discord’s head suddenly formed from his ear followed by the rest of him, although he was wearing a white mask of a mustachioed man, wide-brimmed black hat, and a black tunic, pants, boots, and cape. “Ah-ha!” He said pointing a gloved paw. “So this wasn’t about friendship! You all just wanted some good ol’ fashioned vengeance!” Pinkie’s ears flopped down around her head. “I’m sorry, but I was just sooo…. mad, and—” Discord held up his paw to silence Pinkie. He pulled out a torch and set his outfit on fire. It quickly burned off revealing his ‘normal’ self. “Say no more, Pinkie my dear. I understand completely.” The ponies and dragon all exchanged glances… Well, most of the ponies. Evergreen Nuzzler seemed to be busy staring up in wonder at the tree trunk chandelier. “Ah, you do?” Applejack asked skeptically. Discord nodded. “Of course!” He popped out one eye, then the other. “Nothing wrong with some old-fashioned ‘eye for an eye’.” Once again, most everypony in the room breathed a sigh of relief. “Still!” Discord had a look of very real fire in his eyes as he put them back in his sockets. He focused his fiery vision on Rarity. “I think the closet was a bit much.” Rarity swallowed and took a few steps back. “Please calm down, Discord,” Twilight said, galloping up and raising her fore hooves. “Sure, our hearts where in the wrong place, but you still learned a valuable lesson!” Discord nodded. “Indeed I have, Twilight. There are simply limits one must keep in mind with jokes, even with friends. Some lines should not be crossed.” Twilight smiled and gave a pleased nod. “Good, because for a second there—” Discord grinned wickedly. “But I still changed every outfit in Rarity’s boutique to a mix of polka-dots and stripes!” Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “Never mind…” Rarity’s jaw plummeted. “You’re the most dastardly fiend of all time!” Discord chuckled. “I know…” Rarity narrowed her eyes at Discord. “Well then, sir. Please consider your outfits alphabetized by color shade!” Twilight’s ears flopped down around her head. “Seriously?” Discord gasped. “You wouldn’t!” “I would and I will!” Rarity turned towards Pinkie. “Right, Pinkie?” Pinkie turned to Discord. “We’re still on for Saturday?” Discord smiled. “Come Hades or highwater.” Pinkie smiled wide. “Awesome! I’m going to deslime your plumbing!” “No!” Discord cried. “YES!” Pinkie said as her happy smile turned malevolent. Discord clenched a fist. “I’m going to fill all your party hats with gelatin!” “Awesome!” Pinkie said. “Spaghetti gelatin!” “… Awesome!” Discord grumbled in annoyance. Spike’s face lit up. “I actually wanted to take a crack at the rest of the grass in Discord’s place…” Discord snapped his fingers. “Your comics are all now backwards and upside-down in their protective covers!” Spike clenched his claws and threw them into the air. “Wwwhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” “I’m going to fill your place full of rainbows!” Rainbow Dash declared. Discord snapped. “Your Wonderbolts posters are now all a quarter inch tilted to the right.” “What?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Do you know how much of a pain it is to hang up stuff right in a house made out of clouds?!” Applejack sighed. “Ah’ll jus’ bake another pie for you to step in, Ah guess…” ‘Snap!’ “I just switched the West Orchard with the East Orchard at Sweet Apple Acres!” Applejack shrugged. “Whatever.” “Whoa, whoa!” Bush Strangler said. “There’s a lot of negative energy flowing around here, maybe we should all take a few moments to relax, cleanse our chakras, and—” ‘Snap!’ “I just filled all your water pipes with gravy!” Discord declared. Sequoia Slatherer paused, her eyes narrowed. “Oh, I am so clouding your Anja chakra.” Fluttershy whimpered. “Won’t someone please think of Angel Bunny?” The End. Author's Note Whooo! Made it on Halloween, if just barely. Thanks again to Tired Old Man for helping inspire, edit, and suggesting ideas as this went along (he totally gets most the credit for "Mentoats"). Also thanks for all the comments. I'm glad this was so enjoyed, I had a blast getting it written up and out, even under such an aggressive deadline. And as always, thanks for reading!
Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the NetherhoodThe One Where Pinkie Gets Even Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the Netherhood Upon contact with the bulbous pile of pink, Discord’s tongue sent a delightful feeling of chilly, cotton candy sweet flavor up to his brain. It was a feeling and taste so welcome on this unseasonably warm day of the year. Around this time, Discord usually set his realm to a brisk minus five under absolute zero, but the fact that he had the occasional guest or mail pony who couldn’t survive having their flesh flash-frozen at a temperature so low that time started to flow backwards meant that adjustments had to be made. And yet, nopony ever thanked him for that. Oh well. Though the pink mound of icy sweetness was still much, much warmer than the magically created super cold of beyond entropy itself, it still felt fantastic against his physical tongue. Having a physical form really was best--a physical form one could change at their whims, of course. Physical forms usually had their limits, but if one had the power to change it as they see fit… well… they were living la dolce vita… or perhaps la vita loca. “Ahem…” a feminine voice called out. That’s funny… the floating trees don’t usually try to get my attention until after 33:30 DM… Discord took another lick of his sweet treat, putting out the neon fires that engulfed his train of thought and ushering back in the horde of winged snakes before letting it continue on its winding, loop-de-loop journey. He made a mental note to see a one-eyed, triangular-shaped friend of his and rub in the ability to become corporeal… Unless of course, the old dog had finally figured out a way to make himself tangible. “Excuse me!” My, the trees are uppity today. Did I miss an unwatering, or— Discord’s train of derailed again as he turned. The neon fires completely engulfing the cars, the tracks, and changing all the winged snakes into colorful rocket-bats that would have to be collected later. So engrossed in his treat and his thoughts was he that he forgot he had a guest! Oh, and he was being ever so rude to his pink pony guest that he had hung upside down by her tail on one of the branches of a floating tree before he stole her hair to create his frosty treat. He hadn’t even offered her a lick! “Oh where are my manners?” She wouldn’t know. Discord had put them in an undersea locker eons ago, and it was always such a pain to call up his associate Davy and get them out. Discord offered some of the delicious pink hair cream. “Care for a lick? A bite? I mean it is your hair.” “You know…” Pinkie began in a tone that meant she was cross with Discord and probably about to get whiney “… when you invited me over, I expected more snacks and less eating my hair!” she finished shrilly. Well now she was just being unreasonable! “What?! I just offered you a delicious treat! Literally a few seconds ago!” Discord glowered at Pinkie and point a claw from his lion’s paw. “Don’t make me rewind time to prove it! I still haven’t worked out all the kinks… and you would not believe how hard it is to resemble every single hamster in the world after they’ve been simultaneously exploded by cosmic microwaves.” Pinkie threw her arms up… or down in this case. “You offered me my own hair!” her shrill tone remained. “And it’s delicious!” “I know! That’s why I keep it on my head!” Discord took another lick of his… Pinkie’s… the delicious hair cream treat. “Ok so we’re sharing, it seems!” Discord motioned out with his lion’s paw, letting it flop about and do a few complete 360 degree rotations on his wrist. “Isn’t that the point of this whole exercise? For me to get to know you ponies more individually and learn more about friendship?” Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. Discord could tell it was meant to calm her. He could also tell by the beat of her heart, the flow of her blood, and myriads of other signals from her body that it wasn’t quite working. “I know you’re trying! But every pony who visits you ends up angry or traumatized!” “Fluttershy enjoyed herself!” Pinkie’s eyebrows tightened. “Fluttershy didn’t talk for three days after she left your house!” Discord smiled wickedly. “And that’s somehow unusual?” Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Touché, Discord, touché.” She leveled an accusatory forehoof at Discord. “But what about everyone else? Dashie came back with all her colors dripping off of her!” Discord rolled his eyes, letting them wobble a bit before they stopped back in place. “I was teaching the girl about humility! She seemed a little too proud of her rainbow mane. I figured a few days without it would give her some much needed perspective!” “Speaking of looks, Rarity was in-con-solable after you messed with her hair!” “But I thought she was trying to turn her hair and tail into springs! I mean, look at it! I merely completed the look.” Discord said as he examined his lion’s paw with a bored expression. He grinned at Pinkie. “You have to admit it was fun watching her bounce around.” “Watching, yes,” Pinkie said. “Listening to her terrified scream-sobs… not so much.” “Hmmm… Remind me to teach you how to detach your ears, it’s ever so useful.” Pinkie glared, then her expression softened as she seemed to be thinking of the proposal, then she glared again. “Later. Look, Applejack did not like becoming an apple…” “We were discussing the silliness of sayings such as ‘you are what you eat!’” “Spike is still getting over your attempt to play ‘Power Ponies’ with him!” “How was I supposed to know his mind would crack under trying to exist as seven different characters at once?!” “And Twilight is still repairing a wing of her castle after she accidently summoned some sort of… some sort of… squiddy… teeth monster with a book you lent her!” “I’m sorry, but I am the Lord of Chaos! What did she think a book from me would do?” “It was a cookbook,” Pinkie said flatly. “Sooooo in this case, help her make a hay and oats casserole.” Discord raised his talon and paw up into a shrug. “Casserole, fifth-dimensional tentacle monstrosity? What’s the difference?” “Ponies usually eat casseroles, not the other way around.” Discord paused,his lips rebelling, toppling the parts of his muscle that were making him seem annoyed, and ascending upwards into a grin. “Touché, Pinkie, touché.” Pinkie continued, “I just don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.” The dethroned frown muscles quickly regathered their forces and crushed the insipid ‘grin rebellion’. “Why I’ll have you know, I’m taking this as serious as I have ever taken anything before!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! We both know that’s not saying much.” Discord crossed his arms and turned away. “Hmmmph, like you're one to talk.” “Excuuuuuuse me?” Discord turned back around. “Oh please, Pinkie Pie is going to lecture anypony on being serious!?” Pinkie Pie extended her forelegs and used her tail to swing her body on herself upwards. She grabbed Discord by the head and placed her own face little more than a horse hair’s breadth away from Discord’s. “I may not be the most serious pony out there… I may even be one of the least serious, but I always, always, always take friendship very seriously!” As Pinkie’s vice-like grip squeezed on his head, Discord found himself quite taken aback. Taken aback in the sense that his train of thought, a Friendship Express currently conducted and occupied with dinosaurs at the moment, derailed violently off the tracks, careening into an active volcano and causing a mass extinction event that wiped out the rest of their kind. Discord calmly raised a car jack with his Lion’s paw, placed it in-between Pinkie’s forelegs, and cranked the jack so it extended, forcing Pinkie to let go of him. He then raised his delicious treat up to his mouth which he opened wide. “Don’t you dare!” Pinkie said as she now swung back and forth like a pendulum on the tree branch. The hints of a smile appeared on his open mouth as Discord chomped down on the hair and swallowed it in one bite. Shame too, he was really enjoying the taste. Discord heard the sound of teeth grinding against each other. “I’m going to make your life a living nightmare!” Discord looked up, surprised Pinkie was capable of such a threatening tone, or the near-homicidal expression that went with it. Still, what did he have to fear? He, the Lord of Chaos? Discord threw the ice cream cone behind him, impaling his mail box which let out an anguished cry of pain. He simply smiled and reached out to pluck Pinkie off the tree with his eagle talon. “Well, I did so enjoy your little visit, but I have ever so much messing-up to do….” Discord said as he began walking across the grass, open air, and pile of heads that were always screaming. “Don’t think this is over!” the mane-less pink pony added. She was right... in a way, Discord was going to have to have another ‘talk’ with Twilight over his behavior… probably Fluttershy, too… He’d apologize to Pinkie. Say he was still learning… Maybe sprinkle in some tears… The ponies always seemed to eat that right up… Oh, it was all so tedious… But I guess that’s all part of working the kinks in this friendship business… He mused as he opened an ornate wooden door that was quickly burning down to solid metal. “That was a lot of fun!” Discord said. “We should really do it again sometime! How long does it take hair to grow back again?” “Night. MARE!” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. Discord unceremoniously tossed Pinkie back into a boring reality still bound by the laws of physics, time, and whatever magic could impose on it. Before the metal door closed shut Discord heard a determined “It. Is. ON!” ‘SLAM!’ Discord paused for just a moment. Pony or not, Pinkie wasn’t anything close to ordinary, any being could see that. Discord smiled to himself. Still… She was, after all, just a pony. What could she really do? “We’re not thirsty enough!” a familiar whine floated across the spiraling ether. Ah, there were the trees. Right on… right on schedule… Discord narrowed his eyes and the floating trees screamed as they were suddenly ripped asunder by pure chaotic energy. He shook his head. Order in my realm? His smile returned. Perish the thought.
