Of choosing and stones.

by chil304

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Granny Smith
Length: 1217

Granny smith consults the choosing stone.

When granny smith said she wanted to consult the choosing stone, she said it mostly jokingly. Unfortunately for her, Cloudy Quartz and her husband Igneous Rock have... very little knowledge of jokes and sarcasm and so soon she was whisked away to see which lucky stallion (or mare) she was going to be partnered with.

The answer was something no-one could have predicted.

Published 2015-11-01 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-01 00:20:02 UTC

Granny Smith consults the stone.

"Ah really don't think this is necessary... Ah mean... Not that it isn't appreciated but..."

Igneous Rock was quick to answer Granny Smith. "You said yourself that you feel it is your time to consult the choosing stone. We are now but doing the Lord's will in bringing you to a new chapter in your life."

"No, ah mean that ah-"

Cloudy Quartz retaliated this time. "Do you question the lord's plans for not only you but your new husband in marriage? You cannot honestly being saying that you now are against our sacred ceremony."

"er... Ah mean, y'all should hurry and... let me be chosen... by a stone..."

The three ponies walked down into a cave, their hoof-steps echoing around as they plodded onward. there was barely enough space to move, and occasionally someponies' flank would scrape against the walls, leaving large chunks of dirt and bat fecal matter to fester on them. The lighting was only kept constant by the candle Igneous Rock held.

The three ponies finally came to a halt at two muddy, smelly, possibly moldy, dark oak doors. Iron bars stretched across them, giving the entire thing a dungeon-esque feel. Cloudy Quartz was the first to speak. "Once inside, you must remain silent while the stone chooses your husband."

Granny Smith nodded solemnly as Igneous placed the candle on a jagged piece of rock and nudged the door open for her. This was it. Granny Smith shuffled into the door and flinched as the door slammed shut behind her. This was it.

The room was essentialy a large messy hemisphere with a pedestal - also messy, rocky and not quite the right shape - in the middle. The entire thing was lit by candles which had been placed around the outside. Granny Smith's hoof-steps echoed horribly as she walked towards the pedestal.

Then she saw the choosing stone.

It was easy to miss really. A hoof-sized rock with a hole in the top, which blended in almost perfectly with it's surroundings. She thought about reaching into the hole but decided against it. Who knows what weird rock-related thing would happen if she messed around with it? instead she simply sat and waited for something to happen.

Waiting...

Still waiting...

Yup. Waiting was fun, wasn't it?

Granny Smith let out a sigh. Clearly, nothing was going to happen if she simply sat and waited for something to happen and hey, maybe her first idea of putting her hoof into the hole wasn't so bad after all.

FSHUUUUUUMMMMM

Lime green light erupted out the hole as Granny Smith put her hoof near the hole. Dazed, Bewildered and afraid Granny Smith staggered backwards before landing harshly on her rump. The light continued to blast out, creating a column of light in the 'room' for at least another thirty seconds before it started to fade.

Granny Smith Shakily stood up, small chunks of dirt tumbling of her. The doors she came in by creacked open, allowing Cloudy Quartz and Igneous Rock to enter. They slowly plodded to either side of Granny Smith and bowed before the stone, while chanting some incomprehensible rubbish.

Coughing, fearfull and slightly curious, Granny Smith peered into the hole to see what had happened. Inside the stone sat two new pebbles. Granny Smith pulled the first one out, giving it a good look over. Engraved on it's front was an apple pie, still in it's tin and fresh from the oven - her cutie mark. Underneath that was the words 'SMITH Granny'. Yup, that was her.

Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz stood back up and patiently waited at either side of Granny Smith. Granny Smith quickly took the second pebble out and stared at it. Then she glared at it. Finally, for good measure, she squinted at the poor rock before finally showing it to Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz.

"Well buck."

The stream thundered past as Granny Smith approached. The trees scratched at her mane and the wind whipped past in a unpleasant way. "Ah- Ah'm looking for a... A mister Stephan Magnet?"

The river fell silent almost immediately as a purple sea-dragon snaked it's way out of the water. "Oh my Celestia I am such a mess, forgive my mustache I normally comb it at least 4,700 times by now but with weddings and this 'frightmare spoon' girl causing eternal night, I've only had enough time to comb it 4,693 times!"

"Ah've been summoned here by this choosing stone doohickey and ah think there's been a mistake like putting catnip in a kitten farm."

The sea-dragon looked carefully at his polished nails, inspecting them with a disapproving stare. "Oh, I assure you there's no mistake with that stone. It has been 100% spot-on with all my friends in the past and if it sees us as the perfect match well... we're not going to mess with fate are we?"

"Ah really don't think..."

"Nonsense! I know the perfect place to get a wedding dress for you and oh, I have a suit that has just being dying to be used for something since I got it seventy years ago and-"

"Mah age is in the hundreds-"

"Oh stop being so negative! lighten up! The choosing stone has found you a perfect match and it's me! There is simply nothing better than that!"

Hundreds of miles away, a dragonequus laughed manically while peering through a telescope that pointed into the ground yet somehow saw both Granny Smith and Stephan Magnet. He had pulled many pranks in his time, but really, pranking Granny Smith like that was one of the pranks up there right with the time he replaced the trading by-laws of equestria with a book entitled "301 ways to cure constipation in under an hour." Boy, that had been an interesting month. But that was besides the point, which was that he had just managed to get Granny Smith and Stephan Magnet to marry.

"Oh, and you simply must get some flowers as well we CANNOT be without flowers for a wedding!"

Granny smith continued to walk beside the purple sea-dragon as he ranted about how perfect their wedding was going to be. "Ah don't think we even can marry. Ah mean, i'm a pony and your a slippery serpent thing."

The sea-dragon stopped cold. "What did you just call me?"

"Ah... er..."

"FORGET IT! THE WEDDING IS OFF YOU RACIST LITTLE-"

Discord watched in utter shock as the sea-dragon swore and carried on. Most of the words we was using were over thirteen syllables as well. Some of them he didn't even know existed until this point and... wait... did he ever disable that spell on the choosing stone?"

The Great And Powerfull Trixie pushed through the bushes and looked up at the sea-dragon shouting at Granny Smith. "A eel!? You dragged me all this way for an eel!? Stupid rocks! Straight up there with rocks on Trixie's list now!"

Hundreds of miles away, a Dragonequus teleported into a pocket dimension and set an alarm clock for about two thousand years time. Perhaps sending Luna a Gothic CD and a guide to making your hair into an emo flick would have been a better idea after all...