“Rockster!” A mad-eyed man with a black goatee greeted him like a long lost brother, giving him a fistbump as he sat down at the bar. “You’re off early today. Or did you accidentally fall down here when you sat down on a cloud toilet at work?” He asked, pushing Rocky a cold hard Sweet Apple reserve. God knows he needed it after that talk with Sam. Crazy Jack definitely did.

“My ass isn’t insured to use one of those things.” Rocky chuckled, giving the tall bartender a nod of thanks for the cold pint. It was on the house, as were all his drinks at Cloud Nine. Crazy Jack always insisted that his and Blossom’s money was no good at his bar.

“Does that ever stop your ass?” Jack asked, pulling Rocky’s attention back from the distracting samurai top-knot Jack always wore. The surprisingly smart little bun of hair was tied with a large magenta ring bearing a blazing cyan starburst gem and adorned with a saffron-yellow Equestrian rose and a dark azure feather worn like hairpins.

“What do you think rainbows are made of?” Rocky said, taking a long drought as Jack gave a healthy guffaw. “Nah, I left early to meet up with Sammy.” He said, earning him an exaggerated but sympathetic wince from Jack.

“It’s like mid-air sex. It always hurts at first….come to think of it it just hurt.” Jack said, patting him on the back comfortingly. “So you’re gonna wait up for Blossom to finish work then?”

“Yeah.” Rocky nodded, looking longingly out at the noticeably Blossomless sky outside.

“What’s this? Rocky’s meeting someone other than Blossom?” A tall, blonde man in a Star Wars shirt, a sports jacket and a pair of black jeans settled into the seat next to his. He wore a single earing proudly bearing three primary feathers, one a light heliotrope, one pale lilac and one pistachio green. “Is he finally throwing in with the rest of us lowly commoners and starting a herd?”

“Oh, wow, there is something Google doesn’t know?” Rocky chuckled, giving the newcomer a smile. “Derek, what’s Clear, Spring and Lilac gonna think?”

“They still think Google is our world’s Discord.” Derek shrugged. “They get pretty jealous too. And there’s nothing hotter than a jealous herd, I tell you.”

“Can it, Derek. There’s no making lover-boy here jealous.” A woman wearing a long, traditional green and purple sari said as she took a place at the bar. She wore a pair of feathers in her long dark hair, one mint green, the other a creamy beige. “Just look. He not only avoids the topic but also beaches it and leaves it high and dry. I swear, the way he sees the world, there is only Blossomforth and chopped liver as far as the eye can see.”

“Please, doctor Padma.” Rocky gave the woman a little smile, “I was plenty jealous when you, Bon Voyage and Skyra Heartstrings got it on in the middle of happy hour that one time.”

“Before or after the two got so drunk they tried to make out with Paddy in midair?” Derek chuckled at Padma’s furious blush. “Gotta hand it to those two, the safety balloons tied around your waist was a good idea.”

“Reign it in, kids.” A well-built man in a casual jacket stepped up to join them. A pair of primary feathers were displayed proudly upon his jacket lapel, both a perfectly matching lilac. “There are children in the audience.” He nodded to indicate the two pegasus mares in weather team flight suits behind him. Rocky recognized the two as his best cloud-buckers, Flitter and Chaser. The pegasus twins gave the man a playful headbutt in the back before trotting off to a pile of pony pillows with their drinks.

“The cop’s here. Quick, hide the porn.” Derek made a show of ducking out of sight of the man.

“What? I pulled my pants up.” Rocky feigned innocence.

“I have nothing to do with these savages, officer.” Padma muttered into her drink.

“You look worse than Sugar Belle’s muffins, Jim. The hell?” Jack greeted him with a dry gin on the rocks.

“You’re all lucky I’m off the beat.” The officer grunted, taking the drink. “Hey, Rocky, you hirin’?”

“You fly?” Rocky cocked an eyebrow at the cop.

“My fucks do. Which is more than you seem to give.” Jim muttered. “I swear I get rained on wherever I go. What would I give to have a go at the trigger for once. Start a shark tornado in the commissioner's backyard or something.”

“You realize that’s just Flitter and Chaser following you around with rainclouds during their breaks? The rain thing, not the shark tornadoes. Though that’s probably just a matter of time.” A midnight blue pegasus chuckled as she gave them all a casual wave. Her weather team flightsuit identified her as one of Rocky’s wind-shepherds, Night Glider.

“Flitter! Chaser!” Jim bellowed at the twins who had become the centre of a small gathering of weather ponies on the other side of the room. “I love you too!” The two erupted into furious blushes, sparking a storm of affectionate d’awwws and giggly teasing from their co-workers. There would be no hope for the poor twins.

“You cruel bastard.” Padma shook her head in mock disgust.

“All’s fair in love and war.” Jim shrugged. “Speaking of love, anyone seen loverboy yet?” He asked, glancing around the increasingly busy cafe.

“You mean Matt?” Derek said. Everyone winced at the mention of the fresh-faced handler for their new arrival, a difficult pegasus named Lightning Dust.

Despite it having been four years since first contact, all ponies visiting or settling on Earth were legally required to have a human handler, a named person responsible for everything from their day to day wellbeing to being their legally appointed ‘friend’. It was one of the ironclad tenets set by the Equestrian department created by Twilight Sparkle to manage all pony migrants to earth (Interestingly named the Royal Equestrian Association for Learning in Friendship, Understanding and Cultural Kinship. Nobody dares use the acronym)

The relationship between pony and handler varies greatly between pairs, ranging from being penpals with regular reports to being, well, soulmates. The latter was surprisingly common. It had long since become widespread street knowledge that ponies had a very skewed gender ratio of about nine to one favouring mares. Even with herding being common practice for Equestrians, the gender imbalance still made for a lot of lonely mares. That combined with one rather raunchy account from a mare exalting humans as sex gods had long since triggered a mass exodus of lonely (as well as adventurous and fun-seeking) mares to earth.

Needless to say, Blossom and Rocky were an item long before it was cool.

The Cloud Nine handlers club originally began with the five of them meeting up at the bar every evening to pick up their ponies after work. They started by comparing notes and sharing tips on helping their pony companions adjust to life on earth. Rocky, being the group’s resident Equestria survivor, quickly became the defacto expert on pony quirks, fielding all sorts of questions ranging from what ponies eat to ‘Why is she poking my nose with her hoof?’. Over time their numbers swelled and they quickly became the unofficial point of contact for all new handlers in the neighbourhood. The new kid, Matt, was one such new handler.

“He knows to pick up Lightning Dust here, right?” Padma said.

“I hope so. He hired a hot air balloon to fly up to the weather station the other day.” Rocky said. “The pegasi thought it was cute. Lightning didn’t survive all the teasing though.”

“He didn’t try to walk into the station, did he?” Jim asked, curiously.

“He did.” Rocky nodded with a grin. “Lucky for him Lightning’s as fast as her name suggests. She was down there like a rocket before the other pegasi even took off. It was pretty romantic. You could say they fell in love at first flight.”

“Young love.” Padma muttered, sarcastically.

“Says the girl who jumped after Bonny out of a moving ferris wheel six floors above ground thinking she’d get blown away by a squall.” Derek teased.

“It was a very strong squall, thank you very much.” Padma muttered into her drink. “Speak of the devil...Bonny! Skyra! What the hell?!” She stood up and began marching out to the terrace garden where two pegasi, one mint-green and the other cream-coated, had landed in the pegasus bath. “Jack, just how the fuck was a giant bird bath a good idea?!” She demanded as she snapped up a guest towel from the complimentary towel rack by the terrace entrance.

“Because it’s cute. Duh.” Jack shrugged.

“Watertight argument.” Rocky agreed. The others nodded in unanimous agreement.

“She does realize Bons and Sky only do that to rile her up, right?” Derek said, looking around at the others. “Right?”

“Don’t tell her that.” Rocky said, stealing some of Jack’s popcorn. Together they watched as Padma wrestled with the two giggling pegasi, only to get tugged into the bath after them.

“Hey, you know, Teddie took us all to her hometown for a visit once.” Jack said through a mouthful of popcorn, watching as a steaming Padma waded after the two laughing pegasi duck-paddling their way around the bird bath. “There was this guy running a bar, the legal kind. He lived with a unicorn and an earth pony who I could’ve sworn were Sky’s and Bon’s twin sisters.”

“Jack, you told us that last time you visited Equestria you learned the meaning of life from an alligator.” Jim pointed out. “If your bullshit could fly, this place would be an airport.”

“How’s the water, Paddy?” Derek asked as a sodden Padma stormed past with a pair of soaked and sheepish pegasi wrapped in towels, one held under each arm.

“Wet.” Padma snapped, stomping off into the bathrooms.

Derek was busy chuckling at Padma’s expense when Rocky patted him on the shoulder and pointed outside at three familiar pegasi slowing into a hover over the bird bath, all three eyeing Derek with a shared smirk of mischief.

“Heeeell naw!” Derek was up like a shot, running out into the terrace garden, waving his arms like a flight deck crewman with a bad cramp. The three pegasi broke ranks in a storm of giggles, orbiting his frantic dance like a pack of playful butterflies. They played a mischievous little game, making Derek jump and jig by making the occasional feinting dive towards the bird bath.

“Good thing Blossom, Chaser and Flitter are bath-trained, huh?” Jack said, idly. "I guess not being as horny helps too."

“Yep.” Jim agreed, before shooting a pair of pegasi sneaking out the door towards the pegasus bath a meaningful look. “No.” He intoned, freezing the twins in their tracks. Chaser and Flitter slowly looked around at him with sheepish little smiles on their guilty faces.

“Blossom needs to do two or three mares’ worth of mischief to keep up with all this.” Jack said, waving a hand at the scene. “It’s only fair on the rest of us.”

“She’s probably already chugging out three mares’ worth of sex. At this rate she’ll ascend and become the alicorn princess of sex.” Night Glider suddenly dropped her voice to a sultry whisper. “Hey, maybe I could earn my place in her Council of Sexship by lending her a helping hoof, maybe tend to our commander and warm up his lap for her.” She suddenly hopped into his lap, wrapping her long luscious white tail around his waist as she gazed up at him with her patented bedroom eyes. “Looking at all this, I think our poor captain Blossom is desperately overdue some reinforcements.” She whispered, running a hoof along his chest. It was an old tradition for weather teams to call their leader ‘Commander’, one that dated back to the days of ancient Pegasopolis when pegasi society was more militaristically organized. However Pony historians still disagree on whether or not it was tradition for ancient Pegasopolan soldiers to tend to their commanders in their bedchambers as part of their duties. The history fanatics, however, would insist on it in any historical reenactment as a matter of accuracy.

Night Glider is a history fanatic.

“Hey, Jack, I’d appreciate some A-grade jealousy right about now.” Rocky said, urgency rising.

“He can watch.” Night Glider whispered, huskily.

“I can watch.” Crazy Jack agreed as Sugar Belle levitated a cup of popcorn over to him.

“The whole cafe can watch.” Rocky hissed, waving at one sunrise-gold mare sitting on a chaise in a corner. The mare was glaring at them, her intense russet eyes framed between her flaming orange and flaxen mane and the book she had been reading.

“She can get in line.” Night followed Rocky’s gaze before giving the mare a dismissive wave of a forehoof. “I am Blossom’s lieutenant, after all. My rights are only second to hers~”

“Give it up, Night.” Jim said, gruffly. “Rocky is a one horse town.”

“Boo, you’re no fun.” Night Glider gave a disappointed huff, fluttering over to Jack. Rocky made a comedic show of fanning himself and loosening his shirt collar, much to everyone’s laughter. “Jaaaack, you’re not gonna ignore me tonight, right?” Night Glider moaned, flutter-glomping her herd-stallion.

“Can’t if I tried. You know how much Rocky’s traumatized face turns me on.” Jack shrugged.

“You’re the best~” Night Glider gave both her herd-stallion a loving peck before dragging Sugar Belle off to mingle with the other ponies.

“Y’know they can’t help but flirt.” Jack said, turning back to Rocky. “Your whole ‘Blossom-and-only-Blossom’ schtick gives’em all epic wingboners. The only cure is...hey, Rocky? Earth to Planet Blossom?”

But Rocky wasn’t listening. He was too busy eyeing the golden yellow pegasus mare who had caught his eye earlier. She had returned to reading her book, seemingly content to not join in the pony circles forming all around her. He wasn’t sure what it was but there was something familiar about her. It took him a little while for the connection to dawn; She reminded him of an old, dear friend; The Wonderbolt Captain Spitfire, one of his first friends in Equestria alongside Blossomforth.

“Wow, you really pick your pegasi.” Jack said, following his gaze. “That’s Ember Charm, one of our regulars.”

“It’s not usual for ponies to sit all by themselves, not when they’ve got this many ponies mingling all around them.” Jim observed over the top of his gin. Years serving as the head detective for the NYPD’s Equestrian Affairs Office as well as dodging the twins’ mischief had allowed Jim to cultivate a keen eye (and paranoia) for pony quirks.

“You mean the Ember Charm?” Derek said, returning to the group after depositing his three troublemaking pegasi in the relatively safe hooves of their fellow weather workers.

“Oh, right, Google would know.” Rocky rolled his eyes.

“Trust the feather fetishist to know all the pegasi in town.” Jim nodded.

“Seriously, you guys don’t know Ember Charm?” Derek said, impatiently. “She’s only the talk of the town, the pony everypony should know.”

“I swear I get better ads on google.” Jim muttered.

“Everyone’s talking about Gentlemares’ best escort mare. She even made Playcolt Mare of the Year.” Derek went on. “I, uh, read that for research purposes.” He added, awkwardly.

“Escort?” Rocky raised an eyebrow.

“Call mares.” Jim said, evenly. “Don’t make the pun.” He pointed a finger warningly at Rocky.

“I wouldn’t put it so crudely.” Derek said. “Gentlemares is a very respectable company. They do really thorough background checks on all their clients and do this thing where they escort all their employees to and from jobs.” He gave a brief pause. “Uh, I heard that from a friend of a friend.”

“They do a lot of their shopping at Teddie’s.” Jack added. “Judging by all the fancy goodies they buy, they treat their mares really well. Better than a certain weather company.” He gave Rocky a meaningful grin.

“Playcolt magazine and Cherry Jubilee’s Cherry-Scented Mare-Lube aren’t standard office stationery, Jack.” Rocky pointed out. “No matter how much Night Glider or the other mares insist.”

“I hear a lot about their training center, that place they call the ‘Ranch’ outside town.” Jim said with a frown.

“What, you read ‘Fifty Shades of Rainbows’ too?” Derek chuckled, watching as Jim’s ears turned a light shade of pink. “Pretty sure that entire book was cooked up by some colt’s wet dream. Though the girls do find the whole cowboy-fetish thing pretty hot."

“The Ranch is actually a pretty chillaxed place. They spend more time teaching human culture, manners, tax evasion and all other fancy schmancy stuff. They also got this amazingly good cocktail bar.” Jack said. “What?” He looked around at the sea of pointed looks. “I go up there with the girls and help teach every now and then. The girls love it.”

“Not. Gonna. Ask.” Jim muttered, shaking his head.

“What? About Derek’s fake alicorn horn collection?” Padma asked as she returned, dressed in dry clinical scrubs she had likely brought home from work.

“Shush. We all know the Sky sisters are all alicorns with detachable horns.” Jack said, warningly. “You’re a doctor. You should know this.”

“Hey!” Derek blushed furiously. “We’re not talking about the princ-...that. We’re talking about Gentlemares and the Ranch.”

“I was wondering what could be more interesting than Derek’s princess fetish.” Padma said, causing Derek to throw his arms up in the air in absolute defeat. “The Ranch is an interesting place. I go there every now and then to teach about human health and anatomy.”

“Not you too!” Jim gave an exasperated sigh.

“What? And leave it to anyone else to teach such a critical topic?” Padma raised an eyebrow. “It’s a very legitimate business. Princess Twilight even has a permanent government observer working to keep an eye on things there.”

“It’s just, you know how mares are with sex, right? They can’t keep up.” Jim said with his usual direct bluntness. “And this company’s got them working as escorts? Something doesn’t add up. Or do they just go around offering three for one deals?”

“Surprisingly, they do. Keep up, I mean. Though there is a pretty good deal for three if you pay cash.” Derek said. Nobody even bothered with pointed looks anymore. “There’s something about the training they do up at the Ranch, some kind of trade secret. Their escorts can not only keep up with any human, they can outrun them.”

“Really?” Rocky suddenly blurted out. “I mean, uh, anypony can achieve that with enough rodeoing right?” He quickly added, referring to the increasingly common practice where human and pony couples would work on improving the pony's sexual stamina together. Interestingly, not much imagination went into the naming. It was often almost literally an exercise in holding on for as long as possible.

“Nah, what Gentlemares can do is beyond anything we lowly commoners can achieve through daily rodeoing.” Derek shook his head. “So, you interested in her then, Rockman?” He asked, nodding at the golden yellow mare in the corner while nudging Rocky in the shoulder.

Rocky was saved from answering by a loud splash outside and a wave of cheers from the weather mares gathered in the cafe. He gave a little sigh, a small smile spreading across his lips as he looked out the window. Bright sapphire eyes peered up sheepishly at him from the pegasus bath.

“I think somepony wants some attention.” Derek chuckled, patting Rocky encouragingly on the back.

“I have no idea where she got that idea from.” Padma muttered, shooting Bon Voyage, Skyra and the Sky sisters on the other side of the room a dark look. The mares had the decency to at least appear meekly apologetic. “I have a spare set of scrubs.” She offered Rocky.

“Thanks.” He grinned as he picked up a towel and stepped outside. He sauntered up to the pegasus bath to find a little snow-white pegasus doing a water-lily impression with her cherry-and-emerald mane poking out of the water, her little hooves paddling idly. She blew bubbles at him in greeting. “So, how’s the water?” He asked her.

“*Meep*.” She replied with a sheepish little pony-squee. She looked almost apologetic for what she had done.

“Meep, huh?” He gave her a quick peck on her nose. “Hmm.” He licked his lips thoughtfully, “Yep, feels pretty Meepy to me.”

She blushed and nose-scrunched in reply. Then a frown overtook her face as she sniffed. And sniffed again. She hooked her forehooves over the bath’s edge and leaned towards him, sniffing all the while. Her blush grew two shades darker against her snow-white fur as she sniffed his chest. “U-um, y-you’re...you’re interested in another mare?” She asked, her ears perking eagerly, her tail swishing across the water with excitement. She looked strangely eager at the prospect of him being around a mare other than herself.

“Oh, uh, that must be Night’s scent. She was just fooling around.” He blurted out quickly, looking all flavours of sheepish.

“Oh.” Her eager smile turned into an irritable pout. “I don’t like the scent of other herds on you.” She huffed, even as her wings slowly stiffened, her tail coiling and uncoiling like a snake preparing to strike.

Rocky couldn’t help but gulp nervously. He recalled Padma telling him that smelling the scent of other mares mixed with a stallion’s can get a mare very aroused, a natural instinct to ensure an urge to compete. The greater the variety of mare-scents on a stallion, the more potent the effects on the mare, as apparently the variety suggests a successful stallion with a thriving herd. In fact it had become the basis for very powerful aphrodisiac colognes. Cloud Nine even bottled and sold their own super-effective version in their infamous backroom, available for cheaper than the other illegal imports from Equestria. Rocky had, out of academic curiosity, asked Jack what it was made of. “Trade secret.” Jack had said with a smug smile to a chorus of giggles from Night Glider and Sugar Belle and a smiling eye-roll from Teddie.

Before he knew it a sodden Blossom had leapt out of the bath and onto the ground next to him. “Oh, what happened to the bath?” Rocky asked, kneeling down to dry her off with the towel.

“Change of plans.” Blossom growled as she impatiently allowed herself to be dried with the fluffy towel. “Th-that scent. It won’t wash off with a simple bath.”

‘Phew’ Rocky breathed a sigh of relief inwardly, realizing that he wouldn’t be taking a swim in the pegasus bath as he had expected. As he suspected, his little pegasus must have been secretly watching Skyra and Bon’s antics with Padma. In fact, the mischievous two probably put Blossom up to it, urging her to make him take a swim with her. Then a new dread slowly rose with the question, “Wait, what are we doing?” He felt her gently bite down on his hand before tugging him after her, a common pegasus show of affection called the ‘Wing-nibble’, normally involving one pegasus gently biting the wingtip of another. It is very much like holding hands between humans, although with a much closer and more intimate connotation.

“A-ay m-meed to mawk hoo.” She mumbled through his hand, looking down at her forehooves as what looked like her entire blood supply rushed to her face. ‘I need to mark you’, he understood. He could feel her excitement double with her panting against the hand in her mouth at the mere mention of the act. “A-ay ham hoing to mawk hou! W-wif mai shent!” She said, in her assertive-Blossom voice. ‘I am going to mark you! With my scent!’ He deciphered her attempt at dirty-mumbles.

He had only ever heard of it from passing remarks from his fellow human handlers; ‘Marking’, a routine but loving and intimate act where all the mares in a stallion’s herd would apply their scent to their stallion (and, with some work, vice versa). Blossom had never done it in all their years together so her sudden eagerness came as a surprise….maybe even frightful, though in a fascinatingly exciting way. He couldn’t help but look forwards to it.

He also looked forwards to getting his 10% finders fee on all the bet money he spied being passed around the bar, mostly in Night Glider's direction.

Author's Note

In case it's not obvious, CLOP INCOOOOOOOMING!

By the way, a minor aside. I realize this is a pretty shameless plea, but I'll be frank, while writing a clopfic is a pretty novel experience for me and has so far proven great fun, most of the enjoyment in writing is having an audience enjoying your writing, y'know. So if you enjoyed my work and would like to help motivate me, I'd greatly appreciate it If you could give the story a thumbs-up. I'm honestly not trying to hold the story ransom, I'm not, honest. But I know myself, I know how I would jump into something on a whim and ride it out while it's fun then abandon it once I've had my fill. I live a very busy and stressful life so I feel the need to maximize what I get out of my free time. So I am worried I might end up tiring of writing this story, especially if it doesn't achieve much in the way of readership. That's just me and this bad habit of mine and I know it. So if you enjoy the story, please, a single 'click' will go a long way in helping keeping it going. Thank you ever so much!

As mentioned, the pegasus birdbath was inspired by Pinkie Pie Fox's Equestria's Garden.