Celestia's Bad Friends

Chapters

Let's Fly to the Castle~!
Valkyr Discovers the Magic of Friendship
Excalibur Finds a Gender Bending Potion
The Tiny GOLD Man
Shocking Warlord
CLEM, GRAKATA!
Robot Cats
The Return of Mr. Peanut!
Crippled Hero
Plot Prime
The Perverts
World Ender
In Which the Authors Revamp (And Ruin) Everything
A Lesson on Tenno Biology

Let's Fly to the Castle~!

Celestia was having splendid dreams. Many wondered if the sisters spent any real time together considering how busy they always were, but Luna often visited in her dreams at night, so Tia had just bid farewell to her little sister for the night when she felt herself being jostled. Odd, considering Luna wasn’t panicking about anything, so nothing should really need her to-

“Wake the fuck up!” Came an angry female’s scream, shattering Celestia’s dreamscape and causing her to jump out of the bed in sheer surprise, blinking her eyes as she tried to see in the dark for her intruders.

“Valkyr, there was no need to be so rude to the pretty pony.” Came a complete opposite voice, deep in baritone and clearly male, but both shared the characteristic of being oddly distorted.

“Screw you Excalibur! We wouldn’t be in this situation if you weren’t glitching!” Tia’s vision finally came into focus before she turned on her room’s lights, thankfully modernized with electricity as the candle-like lights illuminated the room, revealing two metal bipeds in her bedchamber, one green and built like a male minotaur despite his unusually shaped legs, and the other, a red one, looked more like a female satyr with her curves and body shape.

“Oh, the new model calls an Original glitching, cute.” The green one quipped, clearly unbothered by her bemused state, or the fact that they clearly had her attention by now.

“I’ll show you cute!” The red colored creature said, lunging at its counterpart and beginning to strangle the ever living crap out of it, but considering they were both made of metal, the fact that the male was actually laughing as he returned the gesture was disturbing, especially as they tumbled into her vanity, shattering it to bits easily. If you listened closely as the vanity shattered, you could hear metal give way slightly.

“ACK! ACTUALLY CRUSHING MY AIR INTAKE!” The green one screamed as it thrashed about, knocking over various bits of furniture in the room, and destroying any decorations that happened to make it to the floor intact. “UNCLE! UNCLE! STOP IT!”

“I’LL STOP IT WHEN YOU’RE DEAD!”

“ENOUGH!” Celestia cried. “Who are you two?! And why are you destroying my room?!”

“Good question!” Suddenly, the green one was standing with a finger raised in what Celestia supposed was some form of common gesture meaning to wait perhaps? Hands were so hard to read over hooves. “Beings we weren’t even planning to visit this world-.”

“The old dipshit here decided to land here on a whim.” The metal femme growled as she stood back up off the floor, now that Celestia got a better look, she seemed to be damaged in comparison to the male’s nearly pristine appearance.

“Yes, well. It happened something along the lines of this….”

[Flashback~]

Valkyr was manually piloting the custom Mantis that she and Excalibur inhabited in silence, scouting the recently discovered planet, when suddenly:

“LET'S FLY TO THE CASTLE, VALKYR!” Excalibur boisterously exclaimed with great enthusiasm as he pushed into Valkyr’s shoulders with excitement, who was shoved into the controls of the Mantis, sending them plummeting towards the planet they were scouting from orbit at the time, one that just so happened to showcase a very large and visible castle from outside of orbit.

“HOLY SHIT!” Valkyr screamed in surprise as they plummeted towards the planet.

The mantis smashed gratuitously into the flagstones of the castle’s statue garden, sending shattered statues and shredded shrubbery everywhere.

[Flashback end~]

“And we couldn’t get the Mantis back into the air, so now unless you can help us somehow, the Systems are doomed.” Excalibur dramatically finished his sad tale of misfortune and idiocy.

“You do realize there’s like, several hundred thousand Tenno out there, right?” Valkyr replied to that sarcastically.

“Shush, shoosh~! She didn’t need to know that!” Excalibur hammed.

“Except… She did.” Valkyr said. “Please excuse my counterpart, he’s kind of a moron…. and glitching slightly.”

At the moment, Celestia and the two ‘Tenno’ were standing in front of the ship, and she was looking in horror at the sight of Discord’s tail poking out of the edge of the ship. “You two have no idea what you’ve done….” The tail then turned into black and white stripes, and curled in on itself under the ship, making Celestia sigh as she rubbed her temple. “Great, now I have to wake up Twilight….”

“Anyway! We can make new console controls and a thruster gimbal if we have the resources! Do you have in your possession sufficient Rubedo or any Plastids? Oh! How about some Gallium! And an Orokin Reactor!” Excalibur asked.

“YOU JUST WANT TO UPGRADE YOUR SHIT!” Valkyr yelled, smacking Excalibur upside the back of the head.

“Don’t ruin this for me~!” Excalibur whined, making Celestia groan.

“He reminds me of Discord...ahem, I’m afraid I have not heard of any of those items-."

“Don’t worry, we just need some metal…. Actually, a ton of it…” Valkyr said, putting a hand to her ‘chin’. “And come to think of it, an Orokin Reactor might help a bit if the engines are damaged... I’ll have to check with Ordis for what’s on this planet…”

“Yes, for some reason, our creators and the Orokin used gratuitously wasteful amounts of resources on the simplest things. My Warframe alone takes the same amount of resources as a ship such as Mantis!” Excalibur boasted with false pride as he began taking random poses, twirling the sword Celestia had noticed he had on his back around like a cane from the hook of its pommel. “Excalibur~! …. Excalibur~!”

“And who do you think you are? Vor?” Valkyr sarcastically remarked. “Seriously. Stop being such a cocky douche."

“When you get to be as old as I Valkyr, you take what you can get in terms of entertainment! I may have forgotten more than you’ve ever learned in your young life, but I am still QUITE old, I know that.” Excalibur boasted, getting Celestia to sigh deeply in frustration.

“You’re not THAT old, dumbass.” Valkyr said.

“I’m from the Old War that ended our creators! You were created only recently in torturous experiments from multiple Tenno. That you retain any sanity at all is a godsend.” Excalibur stated, making Celestia cast a pain relieving spell as to relieve her headache as she summoned a scroll and began writing a letter to Twilight.

“You do know I’m MADE of bits and pieces of Warframes from the Old War, right?” Valkyr deadpanned angrily. “And if you keep talking about my origins, I’m going to start strangling you again.”

“Valkyr, my dear! You wound me! I cared enough to help you and this is my payment? Scorn? Oh, my old heart~!” Excalibur fell to his knees, pantomiming tears.

“One more time. Do it ONE MORE TIME, AND I’LL-!”

“Boop!” Excalibur said as Celestia poked Valkyr on the center of her ‘face’.

“... What.”

“I believe that is quite enough young lady, and you stop antagonizing her sir.” Celestia demanded as she moved away to a more sociable distance. “Now then, I cannot supply you such wasteful resources. But I move this very planet around our star every day, so I can perhaps do something else to help you.”

“Unless you can undo the damage done to our ship, I’m sorry, there’s not.” Valkyr said in an uncharacteristically calm tone.

“Hold on a moment, if she could move the planet, then she could certainly lift the Mantis into space! Then Ordis could autopilot back to a Relay for repairs!... Wait, couldn’t Ordis just pilot us out NOW? I mean, the manual controls are shot, but Ordis isn’t about to lose connection to his systems from a crash.” Excalibur asked Valkyr, getting Celestia’s eyebrow to twitch.

“Can’t. Engines are shot.” Valkyr said flatly. “If we could have left already, we would have left already, dipshit. Besides, this could be a nice place to get resources… That is if the… What are you again?”

“I’m a pony, and this world is host to several hundred different sapient-.” Celestia informed, only to be interrupted.

“Not what I meant.” Valkyr interrupted. “I mean you’re some kind of royalty or something like that.”

“I don’t think we even asked, Valkyr.” Excalibur said.

“No, she’s right. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria by day, and right now, it’s night, so you’re rather interrupting-.”

“Alright. So, we could get some resources, if you’d allow it.” Valkyr interrupted… again.

Celestia took a calming breath. She didn’t like being interrupted. “...This world is one of abundant resources. I would explain the wonders of it if I had the patience, but, it’s night. I don’t do night. So ask, and I’ll do my best to refer you to my sister, who then could deal with this.” Celestia groused as pink clouds began appearing, raining chocolate rain as she sighed again.

“Oooo~! Cocoa lactose!” Excalibur exclaimed joyfully as he tilted his mouthless face upwards. “Ah~...I wish I had a mouth.”

“Is this...normal?” Valkyr asked bewildered, especially since several clouds decided to hang over the formerly white princess, drowning her in a deluge of brown chocolaty goodness.

“...No. And I rightfully blame you for this.” Celestia growled as over the cliff of the mountain and down to the south where a town laid, bright lights flashed intermittently as a cataclysmic battle of the ages raged once more.

“Hey! Blame the dumbass! I didn’t even want to come down here!” Valkyr complained as Celestia moved to go inside, the rainclouds following her.

“I am a Tenno of whimsy! To blame me is to blame fate!” Excalibur hammed, getting Celestia’s eye to twitch.

‘I hate early mornings….’

And that was how Celestia got new house guests for several years, even though the Tenno became involved in her world’s protection, the end.

Valkyr Discovers the Magic of Friendship

It has been a good year since we last saw the red Valkyr and green Excalibur, two unexpected guests to Canterlot castle who have pretty much REFUSED to leave. It’s this little fact that keeps Celestia awake at night. Why the two chose to bother her and not leave is still a mystery to her.

Especially when Excalibur revealed they had fantastic things such as their Archwings that let them fly faster than anypony had any right to, and even out into space, so they weren’t actually stranded on her planet, they just, kept, BUGGING her! At least the ship itself, Ordis, was polite, if unusually unhinged now and then.

“Tia~! Tia!” Oh no, not now~! Tia futily hid under her covers as her doze was ruined, yet again, by the male Tenno, Excalibur. “Oh, there you are you beautiful mare-!”

“What did you do now?” Celestia begrudgingly asked.

“Is my admiration of your form truly an indicator of-?”

“Just what is Valkyr up to.” Celestia stated, it wasn’t a question, just a routine at this point. ‘Why can’t you bother my sister instead?’

“That’s the thing! I don’t really know!” Well, now that was both new, and worrying. Celestia bolted out of bed, fully alert. Valkyr was, oddly, the more responsible of the two in spite of her constant anger and her, as Excalibur put it, Tsundere personality.

“What do you mean you don’t know?!” Celestia asked in her panic. “Isn’t she ALWAYS watching you?!”

“That’s what I was thinking! And normally I can see her doing it!” Excalibur explained. “But funny thing is, I lost her. So, to try to get her to come out, I turned the stove in the kitchen on and-”

“YOU IDIOT! Every time you do that, you cause a fire!” Celestia berated, smacking him in the blank faceplate with a newspaper she’d constantly added on to every weekend to increase it’s durability specifically for smacking Excalibur for his foolishness. Seriously. How the BUCK does a technologically superior race NOT know how to operate a Faust-damned BUCKING stove?!

“I know… But I didn’t this time. It was just to try to get Valkyr to show up.” Excalibur said. “It’s not like her to just let me mess around with fire. Considering that’s more her thing.... And Ember’s.”

“... Well then…” Celestia said. “This… This is rather concerning. Seeing as how the one I can actually TOLERATE has gone missing. But where on Equus could she have-” A sudden series of explosions in the former castle statue garden, which had long-ago been removed when Excalibur kept hiding in there, informed Celestia that, of course, once again…. “... Valkyr found another new toy….”

“A new weapon! WOO~!” Excalibur crowed as he ran down the hall towards the castle’s ‘yard’, his arms still outstretched above him in joy like the idiot he portrayed himself to be.

“Beware mortals! For I have found a mount!” Came the strangely comical shout of Valkyr. “You shall all fear the name of Valkitty!”

“First her new helmet, now this.” Celestia sighed. “Next thing I know, she’s going to attempt a siege on my throne just for shits and giggles.”

“I wouldn’t put it past them.” Celestia didn’t flinch at the familiar voice, and craned her head around to see Discord idly stroking his goatee. “I mean, they’re the most unpredictable beings on this planet. Even I have trouble keeping up with them, and I’m me.”

“Honestly, by now, I’m practically wishing I hadn’t made that deal and let you run rampant rather than have them battle you into submission. At least then they might’ve just ended up camping in the Everfree or something instead of living in the castle.” Celestia grumbled as she dragged her hooves to the former gardens with the yawning Lord of Chaos at her side.

“Trust me Tia, I’m wishing that too. Who knew mundane weaponry could do things like that before then?” Discord shuddered as he scratched at a thin scar running across his serpentine torso. “And I’m telling you, that Excalibur is dangerous. He’s got a madness in him I’ve scarcely seen.”

“Noted, as usual. Stop trying to warn me about things I’m well aware of.” Celestia sighed as they exited the castle, to see a ridiculous and also very unusual sight.

“Valkitty...please. Come down off of the murderous Corpus death-machine, and we’ll talk like rational Tenno.” Excalibur stated very calmly as he aimed his color-matching green Boltor at Valkyr and the oddly biomechanical four-legged robot she’d mounted that easily dwarfed most manticores in size. The thickness of its outward facing armor was also quite intimidating, even if it was a bright reddish-pink.

“Not this time, Excalibro! I’m having my fun!” Valkyr screamed as the aforementioned ‘death-machine’ kicked Excalibur into one of the castle walls. “We are connected and I’m going to have my fun now!”

“Tia! Dissy! RUN~! She’s gone MAD with power! MAD I SAY~!” Excalibur hammed as he summoned his Dragon Nikana from his frame’s ridiculously impressive storage space.

“HISA~TSU!” Excalibur then suddenly flashed in movement so fast as he was suddenly several paces behind the Valkitty-Lynx, sheathing the sword that Celestia considered a Legendary piece of work in a dramatic fashion. “DRAGON SLICING!” The sword clicked into place, and several slash marks appeared across Valkyr’s new mount, only that was all that came of it much to Celestia’s and Discord’s surprise, beings they’d seen Excalibur slice clean through dragons with that sword. “...EPIC FAILURE~!!” Excalibro collapsed bonelessly to the ground. “RUN! FLEE! HIDE~!”

“Run cowards!” Valkyr screamed, just as the cables that kept her connected to the Lynx severed. “... Well shit.” Valkyr then got kicked off of the Lynx, like a rider being bucked off a wild horse. “Excalibro? I think I’m done with my fun now.”

“Where did that thing come from anyway?! I thought the Corpus didn’t operate anywhere NEAR this System!” Excalibur suddenly jumped to his feet, all seriousness as he trained his Boltor on the spasming machine as Celestia and Discord both cast a powerful shield spell between it and them.

“Remember how the LAST time we fought a Jackal, I dragged the body along with us?” Valkyr reminded Excalibur. “Yeah, this is that thing.”

“You only NOW tell me you were carrying that thing in your slipspace storage?!” Excalibur chided as the robot started randomly firing missile pods everywhere. “I thought we talked about this!”

“Oh, and you’re mister perfect Tenno! Storing spare frames you build, ‘because you can’ and not use them!” Valkyr roared as she charged the malfunctioning mount. “Bad Lynx! Bad! Shut down so mommy can fix you!”

“Would you like to see me in a Mag? Or Nyx?” Excalibur joked as he summoned a javelin of light, and launched it into one of the machine’s shoulders, crumpling it to the ground and giving Valkyr a better position for it’s head.

“Honestly? Yes.” Valkyr said in a somewhat demanding tone. “You KNOW how I feel about a Nyx.”

“Well when I’m feeling a little less assured of my chosen gender, I’ll tender the thought of transferring Warframes.” Excalibur replied with levity as the two then both jumped high into the air, and fell in a tandem devastating heel-drop on the head of the downed robotic mount, deactivating it by severing the head’s control matrix the ‘manual’ way. “I just realized something.”

“Yes, Excalibro?” Valkyr asked casually, no doubt smiling underneath the helmet.

“Valkitty, isn’t this the Lynx from the energy lab back at the dojo?” Excalibur asked, confused. “That thing is out in the void! How did you get there and back in a DAY?!”

“... I might have put on my Nova Prime frame and opened a permanent portal between there and Celestia’s closet…..”

“So THAT’S why you go in there at night.” Celestia sighed.

“What, did you expect me to sleep on the floor or in the ship? That thing doesn’t have a bed, not even a chair, and you never gave us any.” Valkyr commented angrily. “Some host you are.”

“I didn’t want you here in the first place!” Celestia shouted.

“Wait, the Dojo is connected to Tia’s closet?” Excalibur let it sink into himself. “RHINO! BUDDY!” Excalibur suddenly took off for Tia’s room

“And you’re not even helping me move Bob!” Valkyr called as Excalibur ran off. She turned to face Celestia and Discord’s confused faces. “... What? I named the thing Bob.”

“YOU PUT THE COURSE BACK IN?!” Came Excalibur’s angry yell from across the castle.

“YEAH!” Valkyr yelled back.

“WHY?!”

“I LIKED THE DAMN THING!”

“FUCK YOU!”

By this point in time, the whole castle was awake, again, and Luna was irritably tapping a hoof from her previously unnoticed spot as she leered at her sister for her ‘friends’ waking everypony up again when she was busy dream delving as usual. “I hate my life sometimes….” Celestia bemoaned as Discord pat her back understandingly.

Excalibur Finds a Gender Bending Potion

Celestia was having her morning tea on her bedroom balcony, well-rested for once. For the first time in the past 13 months, Excalibur and Valkyr hadn’t seen fit to utterly destroy her beauty sleep. “This is too good to be true. Excalibur is going to appear any second, and ruin it like always, then Valkyr is going to trail behind, trying and failing to get him to leave me alone as usual.”

Celestia whipped her head around, expecting Excalibur to somehow bust his head through the solid stone walls like he’s done before, always saying something like “Heard you leik sunshine” or “I SEE you sunbutt” and not leaving a hole in the wall somehow. Discord said something about a localized physical displacement field?

“...Alright, now I’m just getting worried, it’s already past seven, where is-?” Celestia was blissfully-er, horribly interrupted by a new figure suddenly bolting out onto the balcony through her doors, and slamming them shut, somehow locking them with an oddly familiar orange glow from the Warframe’s long, back-angled horn that seemed to be somewhat similarly designed to Excalibur’s horn.

She was somewhat similar to Valkyr in overall form, but her butt (as Celestia learned was what Valkyr referred her to her plot as) was visibly more sizable, and when she turned around, the diminutive ‘teats’ she was used to seeing on Valkyr were instead rather sizable mounds in the armor-like exo-suit. “Shhh! Please, don’t make a ruckus.” The new femme practically pleaded as she leaned back against the door, pressing the side of her helm to it to listen for something.

“Um...pardon me, miss? Did you enter through the Dojo in my closet? I’ve already met Rhino and Trinity, but I’ve yet to meet-”

“Tia it’s me, Excalibur.” The shapely frame quietly hissed, and looked down at her sizable chest with an aura of concern. “Well..I was at any rate, but I consumed something that turned me into...well, a Nyx frame. Rather painfully too. And I tried to transfer frames, but the way my biomass was shifted has somehow locked me like this and now Valkitty is after my ass!” Ex-Nyx hissed as she looked at her admittedly prodigious hips for reference.

“Pfffft. You drank a gender bending potion?” Celestia laughed. “Good job, karma. You finally got the biggest thorn in my side.”

“Shut-up! I could’ve just shifted my biomass normally and fit into a normal Nyx frame, but this is worse! No Nyx is as...alluring as I am now, and Valkitty’s going to-!”

“OH EXCALIBRO~!”

“FUCK!”

“THAT’S MY INTENTION YOU VOLUPTUOUS BEAUTY!”

“RUN FROM THE TSUNDERE!” Ex-Nyx screamed quite girlishly with her new higher-pitched voice and jumped off the balcony just before Valkyr came careening through the turn into Celestia’s bedroom and smashed through the locked balcony doors, using Rip Line to pull Ex-Nyx back towards her.

“I have you now, you big titted beauty.” Valkyr said, catching Ex-Nyx mid-flight and opening up her helmet’s usually sealed mouthguard, revealing a shadowy shimmering sort of solid darkness in place of normal flesh.

“Tia help! I don’t want to become a homosexual femme! Not like this!” Ex-Nyx pleaded as she feebly tried to use her new frame’s telekinetic abilities to pry herself free, but considering the frame is custom and not pre-set, she couldn’t get enough focus under such duress.

“You don’t have a choice, love.” Valkyr said seductively as she forced open Ex-Nyx’s helmet around her face, revealing similarly near-featureless black semi-solid flesh and entered a deep kiss.

“OH COME ON!” Celestia yelled at the two Warframes as they made out on the bed. “ON MY BED?! REALLY?”

“Yes! Now begone!” Valkyr commanded, briefly breaking off from the kiss.

“But it’s my bed! And my room!” Celestia complained. “You shouldn’t even be in here in the first-”

“I SAID BEGONE!” Valkyr screamed, red energy seeping from her as she said begone. Celestia could feel only pure fear as she rapidly stepped back and closed the balcony door and shut the curtains before jumping off the balcony and flying to a different part of the castle.

“She is one scary annoyance when she wants to be…” Celestia shivered. “But where did Excalibur come across a gender-bending potion in the castle?” Celestia only had to think on it for a moment before a bright red hue overcame her face in both embarrassment and worry. “LUNA!”

--]=====/

“Sister it is NOT what it seems!” Luna practically pleaded as she tried valiantly to seal her private alchemy lab’s door from her sister’s vindictive onslaught. “We hath NO intention to do any such thing!”

“Sister you KNOW why we can’t do that!” Celestia hissed angrily, her face still completely flushed. “Imagine the foals!”

“BUT THINE FLANK IS SO PILLOWY SOFT!”

Celestia face-hoofed so hard she almost hurt herself on her golden slipper. “You don’t need to be a stallion to enjoy that Lulu.”

“But maybe tis not thee we have eyes on for once?” Luna suggested, sheepishly kicking a hoof as Celestia stopped trying to forcibly pry open her lab’s door with her magic, letting Luna relax her own horn.

“Oh? Who’s the lucky mare?” Celestia beamed, good news for once!

“Oh...not so much a mare….” Luna said with a nervous grin, making Celestia blink.

“A colt-cuddler?” Celestia was rather surprised at the idea. Sure, her sister wasn’t gay, but she openly preferred the females.

“NO! Tis Trinity we hath eyes for!” Luna vindictively countered.

“Trinity?! Luna, you haven’t even known her for more than a month, and you’re considering a sex-change for her?” Celestia balked, only for the door to Luna’s alchemy lab to fly open to reveal the orange Trinity, who seemed to be glaring at Celestia as Luna flushed scarlet at her girlfriend deciding to blow cover.

“So a relationship is only valued by the time known, hm?” Trinity scoffed. “Fine! Come on Lulu, let’s go do something where there’s noone to judge us.”

“B-but the potion was-!”

“No. Let’s just go. Let Excalibur suffer for a bit.” Trinity said, hopping onto Luna’s back.

“B-but our plans for-.”

“You don’t need that for us to have fun.” Trinity commented. “And there’s strap-ons for that anyways. Besides, I’m the fucking White Mage, you think I can’t do some interesting things with biology?”

“Coming Trin~!” Luna gushed as she trotted out, being ridden by the lithe and frail frame, leaving Celestia standing stock still in her sister’s room, shaking her head after a few moments.

“Confound these Tenno.” Celestia summoned a bottle of whiskey, taking a pull. “They drive me to drink.”

The Tiny GOLD Man

“Well Tia, I don’t see what the problem is.” Discord said as he idly played with a paddleball that made fart noises every time he hit it. “Your sister can court whomever she wishes in my opinion.”

Celestia was moping at the bar of Discord’s room, having taken asylum with whom she ironically considered her only form of sanity among all the madness the Tenno have brought her. “But she’s not even a pony-he-hee~! I-I wanted to be a REAL Aunt someday, n-not a lonely old, wa~!” Celestia wept dramatically, her face flushed from her alcohol intake. Alicorns have a high liqueur tolerance, but Tia had been drinking for hours by now.

“Excuse me!” Said a high pitched voice.

“Oh, Tia. Who knows? Maybe they could still make children.” Discord said, ignoring the voice. “I mean, I was able to pry Valkyr from Ex-Nyx for a moment to ask about it. She said she had a certain frame that would allow them to still have kids. I think Saryn? Something about her being an alchemist?”

“But it’s not the sa-ha-haaaame!” Celestia whined as she hiccuped and nursed another shot of rum. “Nopony wants me, I’m so old, and fat, and-and Lulu was the one who was svelte and desirable! She was my only hope to have some sort of blood-foal to spoil~!”

“Hello! Down here!” The unnoticed high-pitched voice called out again, summarily ignored.

“Tia, you could always have your own child.” Discord encouraged. “You’re beautiful! You’re the envy of the world! Why, any stallion worth his junk would give his left nut to be with you!”

“A-... are you coming onto me?” Celestia asked, barely able to put things together in her drunken haze.

“... Can you even hear me?!” Came the voice again.

“Tia, we’ve known each other for a long time, but even I shudder to consider the foals in such a case.” Discord literally shivered. “Imagine the Chaos! As fun as it would be, no.”

“...Take me.” Celestia demanded, making Discord blink. “Take me now darn you! I’ve always hated your guts with some sort of seething disgust, and it intrigues me. I haven’t had ANY in CENTURIES, so now you’re going to break my dry spell you slithery serpent!” Celestia demanded as she grabbed Discord in her magic-.

“YO! STOP TRYING TO RAPE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” Came the voice again, this time actually getting Discord and Celestia to look for the source. “DOWN HERE DIPSHITS!” The two looked and saw a small black and gold Warframe looking at them both impatiently.

“Aw, how cute!” Celestia leaned down and drunkenly said to the tiny humanoid figure. “A little toy that got animated with magic!”

“FUCK YOU LADY!” The “toy” said, stomping, and surprisingly sending both her and the floating Discord flying across the indescribable room onto Discord’s marshmallow bed, moments before it turned into gelatin instead. “I’m not usually one to be so brutish, but when I am mocked, I refuse to let it slide.”

“And who might you be, you diminutive Warframe?” Discord asked. “I can sense that you’re not usually so small...it’s like our world’s magic is pressing in on you from all sides, trying to force itself into you.”

“I am Rhino Prime. Leader of the clan whose dojo is apparently in her bedroom, considering the decor and family portrait hanging over her bed.” Rhino Prime said, pointing to Celestia. “If ya don’t mind, I just have a few questions regarding this place.”

“And those would be?” Celestia slurred, attempting- and failing- to get up.

“Among things why someone I’ve been told so far is the ruler of a country is drunk, and WHY THE FUCK I’M SO LOTUS DAMNED SMALL!” Rhino Prime yelled in rage before glowing a golden color.

“Hm….” Discord gestured for permission to pick Rhino Prime up, and after getting a shrug, Discord picked him up to look him over. “Well...I think this might be-.” Discord touched a golden wind-up key at the base of Rhino Prime’s neck, and suddenly, Discord was crushed harmlessly under several hundred pounds of pure Void-corrupted meat and metal. “-the probphlem….”

“Oh, my key. must’ve missed a cycle, I’ll have to get Loki to lube that up again.” Rhino Prime now stood at a staggering ten feet, a whole foot over Rhino himself

“... You’re sexy.” Celestia drunkenly said to Rhino Prime.

“Does she always hit on other species when she’s drunk?” Rhino Prime asked, seeing a pattern in her behavior.

“Eh, I’ve seen her hit on a chair, once.” Discord said. “Then again, it was a nice chair. Though, I’d like for her to NOT do that again.”

“Mister Soft Bottom was a good lay….” Celestia mumbled as she started drifting off on the gelatin bed.

--]=====/

Celestia awoke slowly, a pounding headache reminding her she’d gotten drunk for the first time in months, and her near eidetic memory reminding her she almost jumped Discord’s bones. Again. And something about a toy Tenno…. Wait. “BUCK! Where is-ow!” Celestia bolted up in her own bed, thanking her sister for it being night now, because just the movement set off her hangover in full-swing. “Why can’t I stop once I hit the Everfree? 190 Proof is the stopping point Tia...ow….”

“So, you’re finally awake.” Discord’s sexy-annoying voice rang out like a church bell above Celestia, making her cover her wilted ears with a hiss, before her pain was suddenly gone courtesy of a snap of the Chaotic being’s talons. “None of that, I need you to see what you’re irresponsible actions have wrought.”

“W-what?! Me? Irresponsible?!” Celestia demanded, affronted. Of all the things she’d been called in her long, long life, Irresponsible is one she hadn’t heard since she was a teenager, shamelessly flaring her wings for the stallions like a preening hen.

“Yes, irresponsible. I swear Tia, you have the WORST timing.” Discord grumbled

“CELESTIA!” Came a VERY loud voice from outside the castle walls.

“GET YOUR FAT FLANK OUT HERE FOR THE CONCLAVE!” Valkyr’s voice screamed out immediately afterwards.

“...The what?” Celestia got out of bed and exited onto her balcony, to have her breath taken away, her eyes wide with disbelief, and her very being to shudder. Taking up the entire yard, and hanging off of the cliff as if weightless, was a massive metal construct of alien design, seemingly shaped into a sort of tower that while resting on the yard/cliff, also floated. The damn thing was so huge it dwarfed the palace, Canterlot itself actually, no scratch that; it was easily as big as BUCKING MOUNT CANTER HORN! “There is no way….”

“CELESTIA! I KNOW YOU WERE DRUNK, BUT A DECLARATION OF WAR IS A DECLARATION OF WAR!” Came the original voice again. Celestia looked down into the yard to see Rhino Prime. “AS IS CUSTOM FOR OUR PEOPLE, SUCH A DECLARATION FORCES US INTO CONCLAVE!”

“...What?” Celestia asked more in disbelief than questioning what he was saying.

“He means that-STOP TOUCHING ME VAL!-That you, your soldiers, whomever, must now face us in lethal zero-death combat to settle our differences-STOP TOUCHING MY BUTT!” Ex-Nyx jumped away from the grabby Valkitty, who chuckled demurely at her beau’s embarrassment.

“I’ll give you one more chance to call it off Celestia.” Rhino Prime declared. “You’ve already refused three times in your drunken state. I’m only giving you another chance because you were drunk.”

“We say Verily!” Luna suddenly teleported onto the field with Trinity. “From what Trinity has told us, twould be an excellent chance for our Guard to actually gain experience, and without dying! Propose we change it from War to simple fun? Huzzah!”

“ACCEPTED! LET A FRIENDLY CONCLAVE COMMENCE!” Rhino Prime declared, getting all some thousand Specter-clones of Excalibur and others to cheer, making Celestia slump onto the railing.

“Mother...why...why is this my life?”

Shocking Warlord

It was times like these, that Celestia asked herself “why do I drink”, because really, it doesn’t justify ANY of this! “Pony down! PONY DOWN!” A guard melodramatically screamed as he digitally began to dissolve out of the simulation.

Sure, nopony died, but it didn’t change the fact that for the past SEVERAL days, Celestia and her little ponies had unwittingly subjected themselves to actually physically experiencing death. Repeatedly. All because she was sloshed and declared war on the leader of her bad friends.

“I still need a drink….” Celestia grumbled as she sniped another Excalibur Specter before it could even attempt to damage her shields. She and Luna, along with occasionally Twilight (who came up to Canterlot TWICE just to ‘play’ in the Conclave). “At least this is somewhat cathartic on that damn nuisance.”

“RHINO PRIME!” Came a yell akin to what sounded like an amplified Royal Canterlot Voice… if said voice was meant to be heard from the reaches of space… three planets away…

“Oh shit…” Valkyr said. “Rhino, you done fucked up.”

“... Someone hide me. Please.” Rhino Prime said in the midst of his simulation with Luna, the only simulation that had been going on since the Conclave started almost 8 days ago. In his distraction, Luna got the upper hand on Rhino Prime and jammed her spear into Rhino Prime’s chest, ending the simulation. “HEY!”

“HUZZAH! THE FUN HAS BEEN COMPLETED!” Luna declared, posing with her spear in the air, Trinity suddenly laying at her forelegs, draping over her left foreleg. “Come Trinity! We shall celebrate our victory with bedtime antics! Then shall we go again, fair Rhino Prime?”

“Um, guys? The Simulation’s not working anymore.” Ex-Nyx said in slight panic from her station at a console near the wall. Someone had to direct the Specters after all, and she was the best suited considering the bulk of them were of her pre-genderbent frame.

“RHINO PRIME! GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT HERE!” Came another yell. “ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY DOJO! NOW!”

“IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE FOR REAL, RUN!” Valkyr screamed in panic as she bolted from the room at full speed, Rhino, the Loki Prime TWINS, and Ex-Nyx following her as fast as they could move. “WHY DID I HAVE TO CHANGE OUT OF MY NOVA PRIME FRAME TODAY?!”

“What in Equestria is making THEM run that fast?” Celestia questioned, looking over at Rhino Prime, Luna, and the cowering Trinity.

“It’s… It’s the warlord…” Rhino Prime said solemnly.

“Warlord? But I thought you were the leader of the clan!” Celestia balked, thinking the whole Conclave was a farce now.

“Vice-leader, co-leader, manager, or something. But no. The Warlord is the Founder, Funder, and has the sole right to accept or reject members to and from the clan. I’m just a fancy figurehead really.” Rhino Prime admitted, before a ridiculously gigantic bolt of lightning, REAL LIGHTNING~, launched him across the room like a helpless ragdoll.

“Rhino Prime! You stand accused of glory-hounding, time-wasting, and neophyte hazing! How do you plead?!” A relatively average-statured and honestly, lithe, male warframe marched into the massive simulation chamber with a commanding aura, his black and golden motif making him seem like a living stormcloud. “Also, hey, Trinity, I got your message. Nice~.” The apparent Warlord gave her a thumbs up. “I’d tap dat.”

“Boss! Not in front of my marefriend!” Trinity screeched indignantly, while Luna just smirked smugly and the rest of the ponies aside from Celestia all started filing out, figuring the commotion meant their fun and training was over.

“V-volt Prime, sir!” Rhino Prime said, slowly pulling himself off the ground and saluting, jolting as a spark of electricity occasionally ran through him.

“Don’t you sir me, you jackass! You started a war with a foreign power! WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST!” Volt Prime yelled. “I had to interrupt my vacation on Earth’s HAWAII with your bullshit! Do you KNOW how hard it was to find such a great spot with the Grineer running around it everywhere?! The only reason it was abandoned was because the Grineer had already strip-mined the islands!”

“I’m truly sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to-”

“I DON’T CARE! YOU PULLED ME AWAY FROM SOME ACTUALLY CALM AND NOT BATTLE-CRAZED TENNO THAT MADE THAT PLACE THEIR HOME!” Volt Prime screamed at Rhino Prime. “THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME I WAS ABLE TO GET COMFORTABLE WITHOUT MY HELMET ON! YOU RUINED IT AND NOW I’M KICKING YOUR ASS!” Another bolt of lightning spouted from the ground, sending Rhino Prime ragdolling into the air, bouncing him off the ceiling and into the ground directly next to Celestia.

“Volt Prime! This is not a way to treat your-”

“SHUT IT MAGIC HORSE! You’re the one that made the declaration in the first place!” Volt Prime yelled. “If it weren’t for your shit, I’d still be back on Hawaii ogling some hot Embers who were wearing skimpy bikinis! You fucking bitch! Tenno rarely even get to relax THAT much! Seeing so much shiny, liquid-black skin exposed! You STOLE that treasure from me!”

“Sir, it’s-”

“FUCK YOU, RHINO PRIME!” Volt Prime yelled, causing yet ANOTHER bolt of lightning to send him flying into the ceiling and back down again. “You! Magical pony horse things. Get out of my Dojo. I’ve called off the Conclave for now. Just let me see what Rhino Prime has done to my Dojo. Also, I’ll be moving it into space. Because WE DON’T HAVE ATMOSPHERE CLEARANCE FROM LOTUS DAMN IT!” Volt Prime directed at Rhino Prime as he grabbed the groaning Tenno’s horn-like helmet appendage and began dragging him with disturbing ease. “She’s been on my ass about this for DAYS!”

Trinity, Luna, and Celestia all watched the extremely loud and vulgar Warlord drag his Second out of the room, before looking to each other. “Uh...boss is a real nice guy, trust me. He just doesn’t… appreciate his free time being ruined.”

“I can relate….” Celestia growled with a glare at Trinity.

---]=======/

“I can’t believe what boss did to Rhino Prime.” Valkyr commented to Ex-Nyx.

“I honestly feel Rhino Prime deserves worse. I mean, sure, we made Tia’s life rough, but Rhino Prime just had to push it.” Ex-Nyx nodded her head as she kicked her feet, both she and Valkyr were sitting on a random balcony of the castle, watching the Dojo start rising carefully into the sky, their wrecked Mantis aboard. “And now we don’t really have an excuse to be bugging her huh….?” Ex-Nyx asked sadly.

“Nope.” Valkyr said. “Well, that was fun at least.”

“NO! YOU CAN’T TAKE HER FROM ME!” Came the scream of the Lunar Princess.

“She can’t stay! I’ve got nothing against her having a lover, but Lotus doesn’t want so many Tenno on this planet. Something about drawing too much attention.” Volt Prime explained in return as Valkyr and Ex-Nyx looked down at the commotion, seeing Luna and Trinity hugging each other possessively with Celestia worriedly looking on.

“I’ll come with her, then!” Luna begged, getting Volt Prime to sigh and shake his head.

“That’ll still draw a ton of attention to this planet. If a mystically powerful being like you got anywhere NEAR the Origin Systems, the Corpus and Grineer would find out fast.” Volt Prime said. “I’m sorry, but I don’t get a say in this, and neither do you.”

“BUT BOSS!” Trinity whined. “Can’t I at least stay for a little longer?!”

“I told you, I can’t let you stay any longer. Lotus is ordering us off planet until we can get all this shit organized, alright?” Volt Prime explained. “Maybe AFTER this shit is sorted out, you can come back.”

“Hey now that’s not fair!” Ex-Nyx called out, landing suddenly between Volt Prime and Trinity. “It’s my fault all of this started! Just one or two Tenno won’t draw any attention, let her stay if she wants, just one Tenno won’t mean anything.” Ex-Nyx said, accidentally emphasizing her large chest, making Volt Prime back away slightly.

“Not my call. If it was, I’d ban Rhino Prime off the planet, and that’d be that.” Volt Prime stated. “Unfortunately, it’s Lotus’ call. She doesn’t want this planet coming under fire from the Grineer, at least not until we can draw attention away enough or weaken them enough...also, who the hell are you? I’d think I’d remember having a Nyx in the clan. Especially one with such...unusual choice in chassis.”

“I...didn’t have a choice sir. It’s me. Excalibur. I drank a potion that-.”

“PFFT! What?! That’s freakin’ hilarious! Dude!” Volt Prime laughed. “What’s it like being a chick? Have fun with it yet? HAH!”

“...”

“You totally did, didn’t you?” Volt Prime asked with a smirk.

“Oh hell yes she did~!” Valkyr called out, jumping down and making Ex-Nyx squeak as Valkyr grabbed her large breast plates as she hugged herself into Ex-Nyx’s back, pressing her pelvis into Ex-Nyx’s large butt. “I didn’t give her a choice.”

“V-Valkitty hands off!” Ex-Nyx complained, but didn’t move to remove her as Vold-Prime kept laughing. “Sh-shut up….”

“THAT IS FRIGGIN HILARIOUS!” Volt Prime exclaimed. “Oh dear Lotus, so frickin funny. You three, I know we have to leave, but I’m sending you three back as soon as possible, got that?”

“Yes, sir.” Both Valkyr and Ex-Nyx responded.

“Hear that Luna? I’m going, but I’ll be back soon, maybe a month if Lotus clears it, she’s a very understanding woman.” Trinity placated her marefriend, hugging and nuzzling her helmet’s smooth parts with Luna’s cheek.

“Very well, please, do not leave me too long. I become quite lonely.” Luna pleaded, kissing Trinity’s cheek. “Hopefully by then...you could call me Artemis.”

“Come on guys. We gotta go now.” Volt Prime said solemnly. “Lotus is seriously breathing down my neck about this, and I’d rather not piss her off.”

“Beam us up Scotti!” Ex-Nyx called as the Tenno all began glowing various colors.

“Call me that again and I’ll beam you to a derelict.” Loki warned over transmission.

They were gone before Celestia got to say goodbye, her mouth open and her expression desperate. Suddenly...she felt a tear go down her face. ‘W-wha...I didn’t even….’

---]=======/

Three months passed on silently. Celestia went back to her norm, and actually got sleep. Discord went back to bugging ponies. Luna… Luna became quite silent and reserved. The castle had gone back to its normal functions, it was as if the Tenno had never showed up in the first place… Well, other than Luna’s behavior and her always trying to get into Celestia’s closet.

She even succeeded at one point. She had transformed herself into a stallion and had slipped into Celestia’s room while she was in the middle of Day Court. When he opened the closet door, however, he was met with just a normal closet. He couldn’t believe it at first, then surmised that either Volt Prime closed it off, or someone else had.

However, it was not Luna who felt the absence the worst.

“Princess? Princess Celestia?” Celestia blinked, having drifted off on her throne, unknowingly having gone into a thousand-yard stare off into the air.

“Hm? What is it My Little Pony?” Celestia asked the concerned-looking mare that had clearly come to her court to petition for something.

“You looked...sad.”

“...Perhaps I am.” Celestia admitted, knowing there was nothing wrong with showing vulnerability, especially with other heads of state besides her. “Take my words to heart dear. Never take what you have for granted, even if what you lost is supposed to return.” Celestia then heard out the mare, helped her as she was bound by her own laws to, and then thankfully realized that her Court’s allotted time had run it’s course. “Gentlecolts, I wish to be alone for now.”

“Yes ma’am.” The guards dutifully stated, watching their melancholy diarch slowly and practically drag her hooves out of the throne room. “Ever since those two trouble makers left….”

“She’s lost her spirit.” The other guard finished sadly, also missing the antics the two brought to the castle.

Celestia ended up in her room, where she often drifted to, feeling forlorn at the sight of everything being in place, nothing broken, or ruffled, or slashed to pieces in a stupidly hilarious accident involving swords and caterpillars.

“Where did it all just… become this?” Celestia asked with tears in her eyes, wishing for her bad friends back, who had unknowingly or not, brought such a sense of adventure to her boring life.

“Where did what become what, Sunbutt?” Came an eerily familiar voice from her bed.

“EXCALIBUR!” Celestia gasped in excitement, seeing the rather large bump under her sheets. She pulled them aside with her magic, ecstatic that her Tenno friends might be back…

Only to see Ex-Nyx lying on top of Valkyr in a rather provocative pose.

“Sup, Nightlight.” Valkyr said casually.

“...I would normally be angry...but I’m just too glad to see you.” Celestia admitted with a beaming smile. “Also still wearing your frames at least.” Celestia had the unusual and exotic experience of having seen two naked, genuinely naked Tenno in her bed before. It was more intriguing than anything, their bipedal bodies were oddly without much sharp form without the frames, but were still solid enough to interact with their surroundings on a much more ‘normal’ level, even if their amorphous bodies didn’t like to stay rigid in any sense..

“That’s good, ‘cause I let them and this one come back.” Came the voice of Volt Prime from Celestia’s closet. He was holding Trinity by the back of her neck. “Go on now, Trin. You have a Princess to go make out with.” He let go of Trinity, who squealed in excitement as she ran off and out of the room. “Now, about all of us coming back…”

“Wait… What?” Celestia asked. “B-but I thought only my friends were-.”

“What? You thought only they would be allowed back? On this PARADISE of a planet?! Lotus is a very nice lady. This world is a garden world, untouched by war. You think she wouldn’t let all the peaceful Tenno come here rather than scrunch together on the Relays? Or in our big, cold, empty dojos?” Volt Prime asked. “My Tenno always like having a break. Hell, I’ve been thinking about trying to find this one douche that’s been after some of us and inviting him over to relax.”

“Stalker has his reasons, but he seriously needs to chill the hell out.” Ex-Nyx commented as she got off of Valkyr and laid next to her in the bed. “Also, I couldn’t transfer frames at all, I’m literally stuck in this shape thanks to that potion, so ME coming back was at least a certainty, I just…”

“You tried spreading the word. I killed it.” Volt Prime stated. “Speaking of that, I should tell you, I’ve set up solar rails around this planet for mass transit. We’ve got dominion right now, though I’m warning anyone who comes by that you’re still in charge, as well as the other world powers. Just thought I’d tell you first.”

“W-wait, Valkyr has said something about Solar Rails, doesn’t that mean...?” Celestia asked apprehensively, both with worry and excitement.

“You might get off-world imports? Yeah, it’s basically a glorified shipping lane.” Volt Prime explained. “In fact, I’ve got a guy who’s gonna come by later. He’s connected to this guy named Darvo. Just to let you know, this other guy? Doesn’t say much.”

“Not to mention the Perrin Sequence, those guys are nice.” Valkyr commented. “They sell things like the Corpus, but they don’t bring violence with them everywhere, they’re cool.”

“Good. Because as the Conclave has proven, My Little Ponies, and likely the other races, are defenseless right now as we are. As much as I hate to say it, I’d rather be ready if those monsters you keep mentioning show up here one day.” Celestia said sadly.

“OH MY GOSH!” Trinity’s voice echoed through the castle. “YOU’RE SO HANDSOME!”

“I KNOW!” Artemis, Luna’s new identity, replied in equal excitement, making everyone in the room chuckle.

“Well, enough doom and gloom, can we have a FIESTA?!” Ex-Nyx asked excitedly, and suddenly, Pinkie Pie popped out of the Dojo wearing a sombrero.

“TENGAMOS LA FIESTA!” At Pinkie’s declaration, everyone was suddenly in the great hall, a party of festival proportions in full swing already. Knowing better than to question it, everyone went with it.

Celestia knew she was going to regret it, but she instantly began downing tequila shots in celebration. “Bless these Tenno! They drive me to drink!”

CLEM, GRAKATA!

Celestia groaned as she slowly came to, once again, with yet another hangover. “Eugh...Tia...why do you do this to yourself?” Celestia asked nobody as she rubbed her forehead with a hoof.

“Quiet...my head hurts….” Celestia froze, and managed to open her eyes through the agony of the light to see an amorphous naked black shadowy mass that was a frameless Tenno spooning her back, the cat-like ear-shapes on the top of her head giving her away to be Valkyr.

“Valkyr? Why’re we in bed together?” Celestia asked, annoyed, but not really caring for the moment in comparison to her pounding skull.

“About the same reason I am I guess….” Tia then looked down towards her belly, and blushed to see who, according to her proportions, was a nude Ex-Nyx with her head between Tia’s thighs, nuzzling her teats like little pillows. “Ow...my head...what is that stuff we drank last night?”

“Old Tenno firewater.” Came a voice from the corner of the room. Looking over, there sat an unfamiliar bipedal with pale skin and red hair, and unlike the Tenno Celestia had known, he actually had a face, with a mouth, sharp nose, and piercing green eyes. “Or as I hear of, what Tenno tradition calls the strongest form of it; Sake. Stuff can put most people out like a light after just a cup or two. You, princess, drank about seven cups…then you took a swig of demonwater… least, that’s what I heard some of your ponies call it. I think the actual name was Everfree? Needless to say; you won the drinking contest, just beating out that pink pony.” The unfamiliar biped started to get up, struggling a bit. “Have you seen my Warframe? Dunno how it happened, but someone must have taken it during the party.”

“Warlord?” Valkyr questioned. “Is… Is that actually you? Out of your Warframe?!”

“Yes, Commander. It’s me.” Volt Prime said as he stumbled around Celestia’s bedroom, trying not to fall over as he moved to what he hoped was a lavatory.

“Wow...if I wasn’t for the femmes, meow~.” Valkyr joked, before groaning as she rubbed her cat ears, her now-noticed cat tail fluffing up in irritation. “I shouldn’t have accepted that challenge….”

“Yeah, try not to move or make too many noises.” The out of Warframe Volt Prime said. “You and Excalibur had about five cups of sake. Hell, you dragged me in here, tore off my helmet, and tried forcing the bottle down my throat, then when you thought you gave me enough, tried forcing me into the bed with Celestia. And no offence Princess, but I’m not really into doing that to someone who was drunk off her ass… or being forced to do something like that. So, I shocked you and Excalibur who tried to help you, laid you both in the bed with a drunk princess, then tried to sit down and wait for my guy… As you can see, I ended up passing out. Thanks for that.”

“Oh, so nothing intimate actually happened while I was drunk.” ‘Why do I feel disappointed?’ Celestia asked herself, before sensation began returning through her fugue, and her ears perked WAY up. ‘Oh my….’

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I just shocked them. I didn’t knock them out.” Volt Prime explained. “No, I’m just not interested in bringing that up… That, and I only saw them move into position before I passed out… Kinda glad about that.”

“I taste strawberries and… sherbet for some reason….” Ex-Nyx commented, making sniffing noises towards the blushing Celestia’s groin. “Hey...I...guess we did?”

Celestia squirmed a bit, embarrassed, but not wanting Ex-Nyx out from between her thighs at the moment since her hips hurt and the Tenno was providing a nice pillow for her legs. “Strawberries are a favorite, so I eat them a lot, and strawberry sherbert is my favorite relaxation food...this proves it then, we had-”

“Clem.” Came a deep-yet-sharp and slightly distorted voice from the room’s doorway. Everyone looked over to see a squat and bulky figure about the height of the average stallion at 4 feet, with bulging rounded blue-green armor plates, a huge torso, but with spindly black arms and legs, but the prominent features were it’s flowing orange banner cape and it’s disturbingly naturally angled head wearing a skull-faced helmet with glowing yellow eyes. “Grakata!”

“Clem! You awesome clone you! How’s it hanging?” Ex-Nyx asked as she turned around, not giving a damn if she exposed her H-cup tits to the clone. Sadly she was stuck like this until someone finally decided to make a reversal potion.

“Clem, Clem!” The apparently named Clem responded. He reached over to the side of the door out of view and pulled out a black metal suit. “Grakata!” He gestured to a specific point with a hand as he easily moved the Warframe around despite it being two feet taller than himself.

“... Is that my Warframe? Where the heck was it?!” Volt Prime questioned as he got closer, and looked at where Clem was pointing. “...Those assholes. Ladies. I’m needed for a hazing, please, don’t wait up. LOKI!” Volt Prime screamed down the hall as the sophisticated life-support/combat armor opened up in the back like something that was piloted rather than worn, and he easily jumped into it, moving before the back finished closing and bolted down the hall faster than thunder.

The three naked ladies all stared out the door as Clem simply stood by, apparently not caring for the show. “Loki messed with the boss’s Warframe? He’s in for it now.” Ex-Nyx said as she laid her featureless head back on Celestia’s inner thigh.

“Tell me about it. Tia, I’m going back to sleep, thanks for being my pillow.” Valkyr mumbled as she hugged Celestia’s barrel again.

“...Buck it, I’m still tired.” Thus Tia went back to sleep to sleep off her hangover, let the advisors run the country for a day.

---]=======/

“WHY would you do this?!” Celestia pleaded of the honestly baffled Written Rule, who was her Head of Council, and thus, ran the country when she or her sister was unavailable. Luna had apparently vanished with Trinity somewhere, and with Celestia indisposed, Written Rule had done his best in the capacity entrusted to him.

Then again, she overestimated the power the Tenno apparently had in terms of the amount of stupidity they can cause.

“Princess, I know it’s a rather rash and unexpected thing to do, but the rest of the Equestrian Council all vouched for the idea and I didn’t see any issue with it….” The white-coated and orange-maned unicorn weakly informed as he fluffed his suit’s poofy collar.

“But to sign a trade agreement out of the blue with an extraterrestrial on the good word of nobody but Volt Prime?!” Celestia practically squeaked. “I wanted to ensure whatever we did on that front was to our advantage! PLEASE tell me you at least ensured we wouldn’t be cheated!”

“Princess, I understand your concern, but Volt Prime assured me that Darvo is a trustworthy salesman.” Written Rule soothed as Clem exited the council chamber to join them in the hallway.

“Clem!”

“And the rather odd fellow was also quite persuasive.” Written reinforced.

“Clem! Grakata!”

“He literally only says TWO WORDS!” Celestia balked, getting Written Rule to blush and kick a hoof. “And how in Faust’s name do you even get ANYTHING from what he’s saying?!”

“...”

“You don’t, do you?”

“I don’t know! He’s just SO COOL!” Written boasts, his voice full of admiration for the short clone. “I-I can’t even explain it! I just, admire him, for some inexplicable reason!”

“Grakata!” Clem yelled, holding up his twin Grakatas.

“And he’s got those… things! You have to admit, they’re cool.” Written persuaded.

“... Clem? Could you go get me Volt Prime?”

“Clem.” Clem nodded and took off down the hall at speeds she’d only seen pegasi and Tenno move at before.

“...And now that he’s gone, I oddly don’t feel as excited or cheerful for some reason….” Written mused, making Celestia hum.

“He seems to have an aura of joy and determination about him now that I think of it, just what has that little thing been through to gain that sort of ability?” Celestia mused as well.

“Well that’s complicated and really a painful subject.” A deep, grainy voice stated out of thin air, shocking Tia and Written as they turned to see a sort of floating metal object with a scratchy screen on it displaying a Tenno-shaped being that looked vaguely alike to Volt Prime out of his armor in the fact he had a face of similar base structure. “Clem has been through a lot. Little guy wants to be a Tenno so bad he even transferred his brain into a computer program so he’d have the time to do it. That’s not even the original Clem. Just his latest ‘Frame’ so to say.”

“Wait, what?”

“Clem actually died several months ago, but he managed to convince me to transfer him into a proxy as his body was failing like all clones are doomed to. So Clem is Clem, and now he’s going to be around to make things brighter for everyone as long as he wants. It’s a depressing sort of immortality. Since the soul is still an unknown thing, we don’t know if he’s REALLY still alive, but his mind is all there.”

“I sensed a soul, so he’s definitely alive.” Celestia commented curiously, shaking her head. “Who are you?”

“Pardon my levity, your Majesty. I am your new business partner; Darvo.”

Robot Cats

“So you’re really going to give us such an amazing deal? I’m completely new to this, but even I feel like I’m cheating you.” Celestia commented as she looked over an object Darvo introduced her to called a ‘tablet’ that showed her information at the slightest impression of force on the screen, which was amazingly easy to use with her magic, but she couldn’t see anypony using one with their hooves.

“Trust me, as long as my competitors don’t get your business, I’m fine.” Darvo’s hologram said. “And again, I’m sorry for not showing up in person. I have many people hunting me, and I’d rather stay here on the relays where it’s safe.”

“Last I heard, your dad was a bit too busy to be hunting you.” Ex-Nyx commented as she lounged in a nearby chair of the luxury ‘tea’ room that Celestia had decided to move her sudden meeting with Darvo to, even if Darvo himself couldn’t enjoy the room, he was drinking some tea himself to amuse himself on his end.

“Trust me, I have more enemies than Frohd Bek.” Darvo commented. “Among them being your friend, Stalker. Speaking of him, I was thinking about putting up a new deal for his weapon models again. See what he’ll do this time for shits and giggles.”

“I wouldn’t suggest that. Took a TON of Tenno to get him to leave you alone last time.” Ex-Nyx said. “And although he and I are on good terms, I haven’t gotten to speak with him-.”

“Lately?” Everyone jumped, especially Darvo who spat out his tea at the shadowy Warframe that suddenly seemed to appear in the chair opposite Celestia and next to Darvo’s proxy. “I’ve been busy. Good tea by the way.” The inherently terrifying being raised his teacup in praise.

“WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?!” Darvo screamed as Celestia calmly took another sip and munched some tea biscuits. She dealt with Discord and the two spawns of Tartarus on a regular basis, a new ‘threat’ popping up was just another day in the life of the solar princess.

“Nice appearance Stalker.” Came another voice as Volt Prime, too, appeared out of thin air, a small floating creature levitating near his head.

“Ah, if it isn’t the Deserter. Good to see you again. You and yours have been good allies.” Stalker commented as he took another sip of his tea through his helm’s special ‘intake’ that wasn’t visible to the naked eye. “Also, Excalibur. I see you got tired of being mono-gendered.”

“Didn’t have a choice, Stalker. Unlike most Tenno I lost control over my form thanks to a potion the locals call a ‘gender-bending’ potion.” Ex-Nyx idly informed, only to squeak as suddenly Stalker grabbed her by the hand and yanked her to her feet to drag her out of the room. “W-what are you doing?”

“If they have potions that can do something as astounding as that, they must have other more interesting potions, take me to a local alchemist.” Stalker demanded as he took Ex-Nyx out the door.

“Damn Orokin, always so damned curious-.” The door closed, leaving Darvo and Celestia alone, until Clem suddenly dropped down from the ceiling.

“Clem, Clem!”

“Ah, Clem, good. Then Volt Prime, mind explaining a bit more along with Darvo? He’s been showing me his prices and all, but what is it that you’ve specifically arranged?” Celestia asked, idly noting the floating biomechanical creature floating next to VP’s head.

“Eh, not much really. If I’m right, he wants to set up a shop here.” Volt Prime said as he took Stalker’s abandoned seat, pouring himself a fresh cup of hot tea.

“Yes, while to you, shipments of tea and fruit might seem a common thing, out here in the Origin Systems, actual produce and other similar things are extremely difficult to come by. All the plantlife on Earth has adapted to it’s corrupted soils, and sadly, the fruits and vegetables it produces are poisonous to all but those that have lived there for so long they are immune to it, like the Grineer. So, while I might seem to be taking a loss, I’m actually making a huge profit. Luxury items like those I’m requesting for trade are worth much more out here than there.” Darvo informed honestly.

“Well I’m glad to help you then Darvo, beings you’ll be helping me bring my world up on the technological scale. But what about the Perrin Sequence I keep hearing about?” Celestia asked, and Clem started rapidly twitching excitedly, and ran out of the room for no explained reason.

“Those guys? They’re more pragmatic than Darvo. Darvo here’s a thrifty guy, he takes the same risks as the Corpus, but he’s actually nice and cares about something called life. The Perrin Sequence? Those guys believe in peaceful bartering, and that civility is the path to peace. They won’t hesitate to defend themselves though. Nothing is more dangerous than a Pacifist with nothing to lose.” Volt Prime informed. “That said, they’ll be unlikely to offer weapons considering your world’s relative peaceful state, not wanting to incite anything.”

“Bah, idiots. You’ve gotta get guns, fast, before the Corpus or Grineer catch on. Especially the Grineer. They’ll just outright want to wipe you all out on principal of you existing. The Corpus might be able to be bargained with though. They may be violent, but they’re reasonable so long as a peaceful solution is more profitable.” Darvo stated, before turning his proxy to examine Volt Prime. “Ah, I see you brought Shade with you. How is the little fella doing?”

“Shade is fine.” Volt Prime said, just as Shade made a noise akin to purring.

“My gosh, it is both grotesque, and adorable at the same time. Curious.” Celestia commented, finally giving the odd creature her attention.

“It’s called a sentinel. This one is Shade.” Volt Prime explained as Shade hovered over to his helmet and rested on top of it. “He’s a very nice little guy. Also makes a nice hat.” Volt Prime scratched Shade, causing him to make another mechanical purring noise.

“...Why is it so adorable?!” Celestia questioned.

“Nobody really knows. Their original designs are all Orokin, and most new models are simply reproductions or variants of the original blueprints. The Corpus adore them for their combat utilities, even though they don’t let their crewmen use them in battle, but it is common for higher-ups in the Corpus ladder to own sentinels as pets, even though the Grineer use them more often. Some models originate from the Grineer like Diriga and Dethcube, but the Carrier, Wyrm, and Djinn are all Orokin in origin, Helios is a Corpus special, mostly used by the scientifically inclined for data collection and analysis.” Darvo informed, showing pictures as he explained. “Volt’s shade is special. His has been treated with extremely rare prisma crystals.”

“Wyrm and Djinn seem rather disturbing honestly.” Celestia said as she looked at the rather detailed images.

“In all honesty, I agree.” Volt Prime said. “That’s why I got this little guy right here. Ain’t he adorable? He allows me to cloak if an enemy is nearby, and attacks any enemy that attacks me. Though, he’s not the strongest of them all. Hell, he’s pretty weak… Well, the original one is. Mine is pretty okay.”

“Which is why I gave Clem a carrier. Let the little guy out Clem.” Darvo said patiently, and Clem jittered before he summoned a pear shaped floating biomech with a circular grate on the bottom that silently sucked in the air around it. “Carriers are pretty tough, and are considered the standard of sentinels. Also they pull in things that they feel are important to their master, and since Clem is really absent-minded, I felt it would be a nice thing for him to have so he wouldn’t forget to loot the battlefield for ammo or resources.”

Carrier proceeded to purr, and Clem cheered his name as he snuggled the soft-looking thing to his tilted head. “Clem, Clem!”

“Yeah, that’s actually my original Carrier. So instead of just randomly selling it, I gave it to Darvo, who in turn, gave it to Clem. Pretty glad where it ended up.” Volt Prime stated.

Suddenly, Valkyr poked her head into the room. “Hey, has anyone seen Ex-Nyx?”

Celestia managed to snap out of her desire to own a sentinel long enough to process the question, and looked to Valkyr. “She left with someone I believe is named Stalker.”

“WHAT?! THAT PLAYBOY?! I’M COMING NYXIE! I’LL SAVE YOUR VIRGINITY!” Valkyr screamed hysterically as she bolted back out of the room, leaving everyone with that image in their heads, shuddering.

“For some reason, her being with a male just feels wrong.” Celestia mused. ‘Not to mention she’s amazing with her tongue….’ Celestia blushed at that thought popping up. ‘Oh dear….’

“... Eh. C’est la vie.”

“I’ve seen stranger relationships.”

“Clem! Grakata!”

“... So, I’m the only one who feels that way?” Celestia asked, feeling unusually affronted.

“Well, kinda. I mean, She USED to be a guy, but with how she’s changed I can’t see Excalibur as a guy now.”

“Constant overpopulation has led to homosexuality and pansexuality to be pretty common in the Origin System, we just don’t think about those things.”

“Clem! Clem!”

“GET OFF OF HER YOU MAN-WHORE!” Came Valkyr’s yell, followed by a VERY angry scream… Then several banging noises that sounded like Valkyr destroying Celestia’s room in rage….

AGAIN.

“VALKITTY PLEASE! I-IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Ex-Nyx screamed hysterically.

“YOU SLUT! YOUR FINE ASS IS MINE!” Valkyr screamed, and soon another loud crash and rumble of a collapsing wall was heard. “SPREAD EM!”

“... Well, it sounds like THEY’RE having fun.” Volt Prime said casually. “Think I might go join them.”

At hearing Ex-Nyx wail in rapture suddenly, Celestia flushed bright red, and promptly galloped towards the source. “Sounds good to me!”

“... I was being sarcastic.” Volt Prime deadpanned. He was IMMEDIATELY then levitated out of his seat as Celestia appeared back in the doorway, then put him on her back before rushing towards her room. “DO NOT WANT!”

“ALL THE WANT!” Celestia shouted in counter, giggling and chortling. ‘To think, a year ago, I’d be disgusted at these sort of antics. Now though, it’s just something silly.’

Meanwhile, Darvo and Clem stayed in the tea room. “So Clem, how’s the horse planet?”

“CLEM!” Clem shouted excitedly.

“Oh, that’s nice. How’s the weather?”

“Clem, Clem, Grakata.”

“Hm...sounds like a good vacation spot, go on.”

The Return of Mr. Peanut!

“Never. Again.” Volt Prime shuddered as he woke and moved to exit Celestia’s bedroom. His frame was just outside the room in the hallway. All he had to do was leave the room without Celestia finding out and-.

“That, was the best time I’ve had in centuries.” Celestia said wistfully as she left her private bathroom, her mane and tail solid and drooping with water.

“NEVER! AGAIN!” Volt Prime yelled at Celestia. “You fucking teleported me out of my frame, and tied me to the fucking bed!”

“Well I may be old Volt, but even I know how to have fun.” Celestia chided playfully as she moved to her massive bed and began poking the largest lump. “C’mon, wakey~!” ‘Nyx is so jiggly~!’

“YOU ONLY UNTIED ME TO SHOVE MY FRAME’S GAUNTLETS ON ME SO I SHOCKED YOU THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING!” Volt Prime yelled. “You ma’am, ARE INSANE!”

“FYI boss...Alicorns and Pegasi are nigh immune to electricity, it gives them a buzz really.” Nyx said as she groaned and sat up, the covers being held to her large bosom. “I don’t think I could ever go back to being male after an experience like that….”

“Babe, you have no idea.” Valkyr said under the covers next to her, yawning as she poked her cat-eared head out of the covers blearily. “Few times I tried being a guy, I just didn’t feel as amazing, or as intimate. Sure I can go guy for a frame, but not for myself personally.”

“Well girls, I know for fact that you all stink, and it’s time to clean up for the new day. So get your fine plots into my bath.” Celestia lilted, practically glowing with humor and joy.

“Whoa...Tia, you’re really happy. Have you been celibate for THAT long?” Nyx asked as she took a sheet for modesty while Valkyr shamelessly crawled out in the nude to stretch like a cat. “Valkitty, please don’t tempt me. I have psychic powers now. Do NOT tempt me. Oh...also, Stalker took off while we were asleep. Wow...I at least wanted to thank him for the experience.”

“YOU ARE ALL CRAZY!” Volt Prime screamed. “That bitch raped me! How DARE you act so calm about all this! Why I oughta-” A loud and sharp beep came from Volt Prime’s Warframe, getting him to run over to his frame and put on his helmet. “Go Jaques… Uhuh?... Wait what?! SERIOUSLY?!... I understand… I’ll tell them. Send mine down if you can.”

“Boss, what’s happening?” Valkyr asked, becoming serious, and then sniffed herself. “Uh...can it wait for after a de-con though?”

“What’re you saying Valkitty? You smell nice to me.” Nyx commented cheekily, only for Volt Prime to hold up a hand, stopping the nonsense before it could begin again.

“Suit up you two.” Volt Prime commanded as he slipped on the rest of his Warframe. “We don’t have time for a de-con, and we sure as hell don’t have time for anymore nonsense, Celestia.” Volt Prime glared at the solar princess. “We need to get out there and get our Archwings in the air, stat.”

“Oh dear. I’ll send a bulletin to my forces to keep their distance.” Celestia prepared to teleport away as Nyx and Valkyr rushed to their tossed-aside Warframes.

“Don’t have to. Hell, as much as I’d love to ensure your kind’s safety, we need as much help with this shit as we can get.” Volt Prime stated. “It’d be just in case they get through. Now let’s get moving. We don’t have much time before the Grineer are in close orbit, and we have to stop them before they get there.”

“Where, specifically?” Celestia asked nervously.

“The moon.”

“HEATHENS! INFIDELS! THEY DARE DESECRATE OUR MOON!” Artemis’ deep voice bellowed through the castle and half of Canterlot. “THEY SHALL ALL DIE!” Suddenly, it felt like the whole world was shaking for a second. “FACE THE WRATH OF THE SHAKING! THOU SHALT ALL BE CRUSHED BY OUR MOVING SATELLITE!”

“Well, that should help.”

“HA! THE FUN IS JUST BEGINNING!” Suddenly, tons of flaming debris smacked into the forest nearby at ridiculous speeds. “...Oops….”

“Lu-ARTEMIS! Stop shaking the moon and knocking enemy forces into Equus’ atmosphere!” Celestia shouted indignantly with an echo that reached as far as Artemis’ bellowing.

“But Tia!” Artemis whined from somewhere in the castle.

“No buts! Let our Tenno Allies handle this!” Celestia then nodded to Volt Prime.

“Thank you.” Volt Prime said. He put his hand to the side of his helmet. “Alright, Tenno! This is an invasion! We are here to prevent this sort of crap and show those Grineer bastards how it’s a bad idea to attack a Tenno protected planet!”

“Volt Prime, I was prepared for this eventuality. I am sending more Tenno to reinforce you. Your Clan will not stand alone.” A woman’s voice echoed over their audio channels. “Activating Solar Rail mass-transit.” Suddenly, lot’s of new pings came up on Tenno scanners around the Solar Rail Volt Prime’s clan had erected in orbit, friendlies.

“Thank you, Lotus.” Volt Prime said. “Alright Tenno, get to your Archwings and MOVE OUT!” Volt Prime broke open one of the ornate windows in the hall that overlooked Equestria before jumping out, Valkyr and Nyx following.

“Thank goodness I stopped having Equestria’s history recorded on stained glass after the first few times.” Celestia commented, looking into the sky with worry. “Ironic. If the Tenno weren’t up there, I could’ve just used a Solar Flare to burn the Grineer to the last in an instant. Hmph. Oh well.” Celestia shrugged, knowing once again, the situation was out of her hooves.

‘Unless, of course, that idea Nyx pitched at me for my own personal Warframe pans out eventually.’

---]=======/

Once they broke atmosphere in their Archwings, Nyx adjusted her Odonata Prime to look around. “Wow, Artemis did a real number on them.” The outer orbit of Equus, once clean of debris, was practically now a ship graveyard. At least four Grineer Dreadnoughts, a couple of Corvettes, and a couple Mining Frigates were identified among the field of scrap that covered several hundred miles of space above Equus, not counting the Frigate that was accidentally knocked into the empty forest around the Canterhorn.

“Yeah, this makes things much easier.” Valkyr commented as her Elytron shifted, before hundreds of bogies popped up on her radar. “Spoke too soon.”

“Shit. Rhino Prime, ETA on reinforcements!” Volt Prime yelled over the radio.

“Five minutes sir! The Dojo is on the opposite side of Equus!”

“Fuck. Alright, we get any primes in the transit?” Volt Prime asked, his own Odonata Prime reflexively emitting a shield as the far-off Dargyns and Lancer Dregs opened fire, letting a hail of energy weapon blasts wash harmlessly over himself, which Nyx quickly did as well and stayed close to Valkyr.

“About 30. Wasn’t able to see. But about 50 inbound only have standard Odonatas.”

“Fuck, gotta be careful, standards have a longer charge time on their Energy. And we’re gonna need a LOT of homing missiles for these pricks.”

“Inbound!” Valkyr warned as she whipped out her Archwing’s Onorix and charged into the fray at a Shield Dargyn.

“Valkitty no! Your Elytron doesn’t have shield projectors!” Nyx screamed worriedly as she dogged her girlfriend’s tail, obsessively ensuring she tried her best to keep her within her shield’s range.

‘I knew those two would get together, just not like this….’ Volt Prime mused before his Odonata Prime spread it’s wings out and fired a volley of energy missiles at the oncoming Dregs.

---]=======/

“So Clem, these are the people you were once of?” Celestia asked the tiny ex-Grineer conversationally as she hovered over the crash site of the frigate that Artemis accidentally smashed so conveniently close to the capitol.

“Clem!” Clem shouted with a crooked nod. Oddly enough, he was equipped with what seemed like a lower-tech Grineer-like sort of Archwing, but it was apparently only capable of in-atmosphere flight according to Darvo, considering the Grineer DID have working jetpacks already, an in-atmo Archwing wasn’t out of the question, especially for the determined Tenno-idolizing Clem.

“Hm, they are rather pitiful.” Artemis commented as he flew up next to them over the site, Trinity protectively near him with a normal Odonata Archwing.

The Frigate was a wreck as expected, and nobody survived the crash, but the corpses were still intact when they arrived, at least until their life-support failed and their organics rapidly and violently decomposed, leaving mostly mechanical husks.

“Yeah, these guys, they’re just mass-produced clones, of clones, so-on. They’re really just a brutal war machine out to destroy anything and everything not them, so yeah, pitiful. Good gear though.” Trinity said as she held up an Ignis flamethrower she looted from a Scorch.

“Hm...shame I can’t visit their world. I’d burn it to glass with their own sun.” Celestia mused. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d used her sun for military purposes. “Oh well, now we’re more aware of the forces the universe has arrayed against us.”

“Indeed, and they managed to plant one of their damned mining ships on my moon before I noticed. I’ll have to rip it out or have the Tenno convert it to be more aesthetically pleasing. I refuse my moon to become an ugly, misshapen mess.” Artemis growled, his mane flickering madly.

“Hey, if you’re saying we can make a colony up there? I’m sure more than a few Tenno will move in.” Trinity soothed. “But Grineer Green? Ew. We’ll have to use a Forma to get it converting to our own architecture.”

“Well, that isn’t the only reason sis-brother is concerned.” Celestia chimed in as they landed among the wreckage. “His moon is composed almost entirely of what we call Moon Gem, but you might have your own name for it. It’s naturally pink, and the outer layer is just a crust Artemis coated it with from passing asteroids.”

“...Naturally pink. Does it have it’s own energy signature?” Trinity asked cautiously.

“Oh yes. A single shard can power a town for-.”

“ARGON?! Your moon is made ENTIRELY of NON-decomposing ARGON?!” Trinity demanded passionately of her coltfriend, who blinked and nodded. “MARRY ME!” Trinity suddenly demanded, opening her mouth-plate and kissing Artemis full on the mouth, making his wings flutter as he happily kissed her liquid-black lips back.

“Gem’s, a gal’s best friend. Right Clem?” Celestia asked with a smirk.

“Clem, Clem! Grakata!”

“I know, it’s-I did not just get something from that….”

---]=======/

“WHITE MAGE DOWN!”

“NEED A RES!”

“OUT OF ENERGY!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

The battle-space was a horrible sight of fighting and dying Tenno nubs who jumped at the Lotus’ ‘Alert’ for an Archwing mission. Thank gosh for the Medivac system their individual Cephalon’s all had aboard, otherwise the Tenno would be down at least 30 by now.

At least the enemy had lost about four times that number, but there were still over 200 of them. “THIS IS INSANE! The Grineer never deploy THIS many space units unless they’re DAMN sure about something!” Nyx screamed as she rushed a shielded Dargyn and rended it in two with her Centaur’s long blade.

“Then the fucks already knew about Equus! They probably felt pressured to move in on it because we started setting up shop!” Valkyr shouted as she blasted apart a group of Dregs with her Grattler.

“Most likely.” Responded Volt Prime. “We just have to hope that-”

“VOLT! WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT JINXING SHIT?!”

“... You do know that I haven’t done that, right? I’ve never jinxed us. It’s been Excalibur.” Volt Prime deadpanned. “I’m just trying to say that we have to hope we can get these fucks down before the big gun gets here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Tenno, you’ve got incoming…” Lotus said over her link with the Tenno. “... Tenno, be careful. They’re bringing in a Balor Fomorian. Be prepared to face heavy combat.”

“Well shit. Good thing I carry a Disruptor on me.” Volt Prime commented.

“Did you REALLY think I would let you get your filthy hands on this planet Tenno?!” Came an INCREDIBLY annoying voice….

“Oh no...GODS no! WHY WON’T HE LEAVE US ALONE?!” Nyx screamed in furious frustration.

“FUCK YOU MR. PEANUT!” Valkyr screamed as and utterly gigantic black/red ship that looked like a fat overfed peanut/whale hybrid with red energy coursing through it warped in, the disruption sending the debris planet-bound, where it mostly burned up in the atmosphere, but some larger chunks managed to remain slag as it landed in random locations across the planet.

“I AM NOT A PRIMITIVE EARTH LEGUME!” Grineer “Councilor” Vey Hek screamed over the fleet-channels indignantly. “BALOR! FIRE UPON THE TENNO!”

“SCATTER!” Came a scream from one of the random Tenno that were flying in the area.

Suddenly, with a deep space-distorting rumble due to the sheer amount of energy being charged, an utterly gigantic red laser blast swept through the field in a single straight beam so large it was daunting to think ANYTHING built by mortal hands could have engineered it…

Only for the beam to be split into countless smaller beams by a single point that was interupting it, thankfully stopping the oncoming blast from hitting Equus head-on. Once the blast ceased, it was revealed that Volt Prime had blocked the blast, a slagged item held in his outstretched hands. “Damn...waste of a good Gammacore… and a good Archwing. Good thing I got those blueprints in storage.” Volt Prime said with a smirk, immediately passing out afterwards.

“WHAT NONSENSE IS THIS?! You Blocked the mighty Balor Fomorian with a DAMNED LASER PISTOL?! BALOR! FIRE ALL-!”

Vey Hek was thankfully silenced when a goddamned MOON suddenly slammed bodily into the side of the Balor Fomorian like a comet being used as a baby rattle by a being infinitely smaller than it. “HA! THE FUN HAS BEEN QUINTUPLED!” A masculine voice echoed impossibly through space, and not through their comms. “Tis a wondrous thing, isn’t it? Laying waste to such a mighty foe with one well-placed strike?” Artemis asked conversationally as he actually FLEW up to the utterly baffled group with his wings. In space. Logic was failing them. “What? Hast we left thee speechless?”

“...I’ve come a long way, accepting all the bullshit you ponies do to the laws of reality that makes the Void seem a sane place. But this? Nope. Nope. Just nope.” Valkyr proceeded to head down to the planet, Nyx was frozen for a moment, before squealing and hugging Artemis around the neck.

“THAT WAS SO COOL! You ponies are epic! If you can do that with other moons or meteors...VALKITTY! I’VE GOT AN IDEA!” Nyx squealed as she flew down after her girlfriend, leaving Artemis and a now stuck-in-space Volt Prime floating among the debris field as the remaining Tenno who hadn’t left yet or been Medivac-ed were cleaning up the stragglers and looting for all their worth, some cheering about having seen a Balor Fomorian being taken down so quickly.

“Oh sweet! This dead guy has a Prisma Veritux and an Imperator Vandal!” Came the voice of a random overjoyed Tenno as they came across Volt Prime’s unconscious body.

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!” Trinity screamed as she rocketed into the random Excalibur in a vicious body-check from out-of-nowhere, which in Space, was infinitely more effective than if it were in gravity. “He’s not dead, just unconscious you prick!” Trinity screeched, getting the noob to flee before she held out her hand and began dispensing medi-gas around her leader. The stuff was completely generated by a Tenno’s body thanks to whatever the Orokin did to them during their enslavement. Nobody knew how or really why, but it was a wondrous ability that was beyond useful. Still smelled like antiseptic though.

“Eugh...med-bay again?”

“Not yet, gotta get you to the Dojo or at least the Grineer mining facility these bastards planted on my babe’s moon. Glad I’ve got a Forma on Trireme, that thing’s unsightly on such a pristine orb.” Trinity grumbled as Artemis looked around the desolate debris-field sadly.

“So much death...these creatures truly long for nothing but the death of all others but them? So much they’ll throw themselves into the slaughter with no care for their own lives?” Artemis asked rhetorically, having already gotten the whole spiel from Darvo and was mostly musing to himself. “Nay, my Moon is a small sacrifice. Trinity, is there a sort of barrier matrix thou can create for my moon?”

“Um...yeah? But we’d need an Orokin Energy Core and-.”

“SPLENDID! Then we shall allow thee to terraform our moon into a colony, in exchange, we still get to use thou all as a glorious morning-star. Acceptable?” Trinity stared at her coltfriend, both amused, and incredibly turned-on.

“Babe. For you? Anything. Just...give us a heads-up before you slam our shields into an enemy fleet like a bowling ball.” Trinity said as she began dragging the injured Volt Prime towards the soon-to-be terraformed mining facility and moon. “Also, you are SO getting some tonight. I’ll be on the top this time.”

“What form?”

“Griffon.”

“SPLENDID!”

Crippled Hero

Rhino Prime, Nyx, Valkyr and Trinity were all standing around a Grineer ‘operating table’, which was in essence a robotics repair slab considering their heavily mechanical nature. Trinity was operating the sub-par console to use the surgical arms to carefully pry melted seams of Volt Prime’s Warframe apart bit by tenuous bit.

Volt Prime had overcharged the shield ability on the Odonata Prime, passed the ability and energy THROUGH himself, and projected it out of his Gammacore, utterly destroying the Gammacore and the Archwing, as well as SEVERELY electrocuting himself, irony at its best. “So the Warlord is currently out of commission then hm?” Rhino Prime asked lowly, his arms crossed over his broad chest as he shook his head. “Damn, there’s no way I can possibly arrange a defense against invasions of that scale, not with our meagre numbers, and the Specters can only engage on foot.”

Celestia, Artemis, and Discord all entered quietly. They had spent the past few hours divulging to the public the existence of aliens, that they had been on the planet for over a year already, peacefully, for the most part, and this invading force is actually another faction of a different species of alien that said prior aliens had protected them all from.

Nopony took it well to say the least.

At least their fear was directed at the Grineer, where it belonged, considering Valkyr and Excal-Nyx, were public knowledge, considering their shenanigans. “Why can’t I just teleport him out of his armor again? I’ve yanked soldiers from molten-hot armor before.” Celestia asked, getting a sigh out of Trinity.

“We can’t do that. He’s an Original.” Trinity grumbled, getting the Equusian’s to blink in confusion. “If I just let you yank him out, we could damage him too much. He’d...become like us… Or worse...” Trinity said sadly.

“What do you mean like you? You all feel the same already.” Discord said. Chaos said to him that sure, among the Tenno, Volt Prime was the most stable, but-oh~. “He can’t change his form.”

“That’s right.” Valkyr said uncharacteristically calmly. “While the rest of us are more or less amorphous, he still has a normal body…It’s the one thing he’s attempted to hold onto since he woke up from cryosleep…. Only using this frame, or special ones he got from Darvo or Stalker….”

“I...I used to be...an Original.” Nyx said wistfully, getting everyone to look at her as she looked towards the ceiling. “It’s fuzzy...I can’t remember too much from back then. My last memories, before going to sleep, were...being betrayed. Stabbed in the back by Tenno I feel I trusted with everything, just because I...I didn’t want to….” Nyx began shaking, holding herself and Valkyr quickly embraced her.

“Don’t think about it Nyxie. Let it go.” Valkyr insisted softly, rubbing her cheek against Nyx’s as the femme started weeping inside her frame.

“There was blood...so much innocent blood….” Nyx whimpered, and Valkyr herded her away, Celestia moving to follow when Rhino Prime blocked her with his body.

“Leave them be. It is...a painful past that former Excalibur Prime tries to bury with her foolishness and levity...” Rhino Prime explained. “I… I’m going to go try to see if I can get Darvo to send anything that may help. It’s the least I can try to do with this mess.” Rhino Prime grumbled, feeling useless. Rally troops? Sure. Lead a warband headlong into bloody battle. Yes. Administrate a wounded clan? Rhino Prime wasn’t so sure….

“Is there anything we can do?” Celestia asked hopelessly. She couldn’t comfort her lovers-FRIENDS! Friends, and she couldn’t heal the leader of the group protecting her world.

“Not that I may know of.” The dark, gritty voice caused everyone save Trinity to jump, who only managed to maintain focus from decades of medical practice under her nonexistent belt. Seriously, she’s so rail-thin she couldn’t even wear one on her hips.

“Stalker, please don’t do that during a delicate operation with equipment designed to hash and butcher more than heal or help.” Trinity chided, her bland, no-nonsense tone sent chills down everyone’s spines. Nobody fucks with the White Mage for a reason.

“Sorry...anyhow. Beings I am Orokin, I have knowledge of a few things that could help, but I was not a member of the research teams, I was just a soldier. The most I could suggest is using a Transferral Nexus to plant him directly into another Prime frame. Unfortunately, those are huge, and the only intact ones might involve Master Teshin’s Conclave, but that’s back in the very center of the Origin System… Something not even he can reach.” Stalker informed gruffly, without holding anything in at his irritation at an ally being laid so low.

“So little faith, my pupil?” A smooth male voice asked, with a soft filter overlaying it that sounded as if the speaker was under a thin veil of bubbling water.

“As if I would doubt you, Teshin.” Stalker spun and kneeled into a prostrating bow, drawing everyone’s attention to the tall and regal golden being who wore an oddly-shaped helm, so broad at the top, and even had a glass plate of water within it. The water was still, as he was, the blue lights of his ‘eyes’ and ‘mouth’ shimmering like the surface of a lake. “I am surprised Master Teshin, that you would journey so far into Outer Terminus.”

“Why would I not? When I sensed great potential gravitating away from the Origin Systems? That the Lotus was directing Tenno here to fight a battle once more not their own. I had to investigate.” Teshin strode elegantly forward towards the supine and sleeping Volt Prime, the plate of water not losing a single drop despite its fullness as he approached the table. “Dear Volt Prime, traitor, deserter. Your sins are far less than most of your kin. You do not deserve to join them, your body ravaged to the point of being unrecognizable, as we had forced upon so many of your kind once we learned the advantages of your pliant forms, when we ceased to make Warframes to preserve you, and rather, to enslave you.”

“So, does that mean you have an identical frame to transfer him to?”

“No.” Teshin answered plainly, walking away from the table and towards the worried trio of god-like beings. “You three. Your bodies, they sing with the resonance of the Void. Yet not. As if your very existence defies it….” Teshin hummed, calmly running a finger along the sheath of his Nikana Shoto. “I do have knowledge of the whereabouts of a Prime Frame, vacant, abandoned. It’s auto-repair functions have preserved it, but the Corrupted have seen to securing its safety in the ruins of Earth. Volt Prime will remain stable, so long as he is not removed from his Warframe, so time is not of the essence.”

“Will you tell us where this location is?” Trinity asked, only for Teshin to ignore her, and look Celestia in the eyes, she felt so naked, even though she already was, and not in a good way. Like he was peering into her very soul.

“You. You must be the one to take the journey.” Teshin turned, and strode away, leaving Celestia gobsmacked.

“W-wait! Where is it?!” Celestia asked, only for Teshin to pause and not turn to them.

“Speak with the Former Original. She knows.” Teshin hinted, and then vanished, in a screeching shimmer of prismatic light.

---]=======/

“No! NO!” Nyx screamed as she held her head, curled into a ball in the corner as Valkyr tried to comfort her. Nyx had begun panicking the instant she was asked the relevant questions that Teshin had left them, shivering, shaking, sobbing. Even worse than before if it was possible. “Please...Frost Prime...please don’t….”

“Nyxie, I’m here. Frost Prime is gone, shhh….” Valkyr pleaded, rubbing Nyx’s upper-back as she looked back towards the concerned group.

“We were friends...why did you do this to me? Why…?” Nyx choked, shuddering and she sniffled as her helm’s horn flared, and some things in the area were crumpled inwards from her stressed mind trying to vent. “I Trusted you Frost...but you were one of Them….” Nyx whimpered, but she took a deep breath. “You forced me away from them...I had to watch the people of Coba die, and I couldn’t protect them because you kept hounding me, herding me to...to the storage facility.”

Understanding what Nyx was trying to do, Celestia quickly summoned a scroll and began writing down what was being said.

“It was there, at the compound, you no longer needed to occupy me, and you cut off my legs, my FUCKING LEGS YOU ASSHOLE! You threw me into a cryopod and left me to rot!” Nyx suddenly bolted to her feet, her rage pouring off of her in a visible aura. “It might be pointless for me to go and get it for myself, especially after everything I’ve been through and changed with, but Volt Prime deserves to keep his body stable, and we don’t know where Jaques even is.”

“I still don’t understand why your Cephalons will only respond to their Operators or Lotus.” Celestia commented. She’d had plenty of time to learn more about her friends, and some things like the Cephalons refusing to have any sort of contact outside those their Operators are immediately corresponding to was a little too strict in her opinion.

“Honestly, sometimes we don’t either. It’s weird, we just don’t question it.” Valkyr said. “And Nyx, you’re not going alone. You know I’ll be there with you. And Celestia’ll be there, too!” Valkyr turned to Celestia with one of the most MENACING glares any creature could have given ANYTHING. “Aren’t you? Celestia?”

“I thought it was obvious.” Celestia tilted her head in confusion. “Teshin insisted I be the one to go, and...there was something about him. Something that told me to ignore his words would be foolish.”

“AREN’T YOU?!” Valkyr said menacingly and motioning to Nyx, Celestia merely blinking.

“Of course. I couldn’t let my friends and allies suffer, not when I could be of help.” ‘Especially for you two….’ “But you’ve all told me up and down that Earth was a toxic deathtrap, how can I go there? I may be nigh immortal, but alicorns get sick too.”

“Tia, I may have not been idly joking when I mentioned you getting your own Warframe….” Nyx weakly chuckled, getting everyone to look at her. “It’s in Ordis’ storage. We barely even need to use the Mantis lately so I was keeping it as a surprise….”

“Nyx, I know you’re good with the Foundry’s manual controls, but when did you make your own blueprint?” Valkyr asked in surprise, and Nyx huffed as she crossed her arms.

“Valkitty, you should know better than to underestimate me! I am, the, GREAT, NYX~!” Nyx cheesed, but sighed. “It’s just not the same, Excalibur~!” Nyx lilted, missing her old annoying chant. “But no, I just took an Ember blueprint, and reshaped everything into a quadrupedal control scheme and form using Tia’s measurements. But considering how much her plot’s gotten jiggly this past year, I’m hoping I compensated her flanks well enough….” Nyx mused, getting Celestia to flush angrily.

“I AM NOT FAT!”

“The ass was fat, and it was gud.” Valkyr nodded in counter, making Celestia suddenly sprout crocodile tears.

Plot Prime

“STOP STARING AT MY PLOT ALREADY!” Celestia cried out defensively, more embarrassed than angry as she kept spinning in place to keep Valkyr from constantly ‘examining’ her rear in her new Warframe that Valkyr had instantly dubbed ‘Plot Prime’ because Nyx had NOT been at all considerate for hiding Celestia’s generous plot at all, and because of how pony society treats clothing, she was quite turned on that her lov-FRIEND, was insisting on checking her out in her new suit of ‘armor’.

It essentially looked like a pony variant of a standard Ember Warframe, only with a sharp smooth horn spike to accommodate her horn, and an intricate wing system that almost felt like she wasn’t wearing anything. In fact, the way Celestia could still actually feel everything even in the frame both bothered her and comforted her. The former since it made getting turned on by the situation even harder for her, and for the latter it meant movement was second-nature, even if the Frame made her even stronger, faster, and more agile.

“Celestia, I’m telling you, in Tenno society, that ass? Ten outta ten! Let me appreciate it!” Valkyr growled hungrily, not caring for how exasperated Nyx and Ordis were at their antics as they tended to the Navigation console during hyperdrive.

“Just-NO! You know what this is doing to me! Quit it!” Celestia backed her plot up against the wall. Oh yes, also, the armor hid her mane and tail entirely, because their naturally ethereal state couldn’t phase through the armor as much as into it, powering it or something? Which drew even MORE attention to her form, and she didn’t know how to deal with this situation. Celestia wasn’t a very...open mare when it came to her feelings, ironically enough, and being put so on the spot was incredibly uncomfortable for her.

“SWIGGITY SWOOTY! IMMA COMMIN’ FOR DAT BOOTY!” Valkyr yelled, and Celestia actually girlishly squealed in pointless terror as she bolted away from the Tenno, and down into the Orbiter compartment, Valkyr giving chase.

“Can’t Valkitty tell this ISN’T the time for this?!” Nyx grumbled loudly, gripping her knees in the seiza position she was sitting in at the holographic navigation console. “I should’ve just added more armor or something if it was going to cause Valkitty’s brains to drop into her vag.”

“To be fair on Valkyr’s part Operator, I indeed find the equine Celestia-a fine piece of ass-quite shapely.”

“... Don’t you start Ordis.”

---]=======/

The Mantis was forced to land, for once, because it had a non-humanoid passenger instead of just dropping its Operators through the Vitruvian Man slot like always and flying off. An actual ramp descended from the ship on the chosen landing pad in the ruins of the industrial lost city of Coba, just as overgrown with mutant plantlife as the rest of the corrupted planet.

“It’s so...beautiful….” Celestia breathlessly commented as she tread her metal hooves down the ramp and onto the derelict tower that had at some point been part of a refinery, but was now just another part of the Earth below it.

“Yeah, until a damn peanut kills you in minutes.” Valkyr grunted as she followed, working a dent out of her cheek from where Celestia had ‘slapped’ her for being too forward.

“Can you both cut it out?! We’re here to help the boss, not marvel over this infested ridden city.” Nyx growled, her hate for the lost city of Coba quite palpable. “And also remember what you said that Teshin mentioned Tia, about Corrupted guarding the site where I originally woke up. Those fuckers are way more dangerous than Infested, Grineer, or Corpus separately, since the Corruptors take everything at equal opportunity.”

“So yeah, Tia, for whatever reason you’re here, please, leave most of the fighting to us. Your Warframe doesn’t even have a single ‘rank’ which is a system we use to judge synchronization between Frame and User, so you may think you’re really strong, but you’re not.” Valkyr added with concern. “Why did we let you come? Fuck, Teshin, what does that old man have in his head?”

“I came-.” Nyx had some immature snickers, and Celestia huffed. “I came with you, because you’re my...friends. I want to help, however I can. And if this IS, somehow, the seat of Grineer power? Why, I might just hurl the planet into your system’s sun, be done with them.” Celestia informed as she began trotting ahead nimbly, the two humanoids following.

“Sounds like a plan! Besides, old Sol could use some material in his furnace.” Nyx joked, before a very familiar, at least to her and Valkyr, throaty and wet rasping screech echoed out from everywhere. “Yep, they know we’re here.”

“Time to fight. Tia just-.” Valkyr was interrupted by Celestia summoning a ridiculously huge warhammer with her magic that made a Fraggor seem pitiful in comparison, and she jumped down into the mosh pit in the area below with a warcry, sending everything flying and burning in an intense fiery shockwave, setting the nearly indestructible wood of the trees around her on fire, and killing at least 30 Infested in one blow. “...Have I mentioned I love that mare?”

“Every time she shoves her horn in you Valkitty.” Nyx chuckled as she also approved of Celestia’s hung-ho one-hit-kills-everything attack. “While that was impressive Tia! The Infested are practically unending! Sure, Coba’s like, one of the only areas the Infested are even on Earth, but they have a LOT of biomass to work with! Get up here!”

“Doesn’t help that she just alerted the rest of the horde.” Valkyr grumbled, getting smacked on the back of her head by Nyx in response.

“They share a hivemind, don’t be cute Valkitty.” Nyx chided as Celestia flew up to them, and they all quickly began moving, Celestia and Valkyr following Nyx since she was the one who remembered where she awoke, so it was up to her to take them to the objective. “It’s...this way? These knots in the trees seem familiar….” Nyx wistfully asked herself as she was trying to recognize everything, but thing about endless mutant forests, they change. “ARG! This fucking tree is blocking the path!”

“Damn it, nothing we can do about it except call Ordis for a pickup so he can fly us over to another point-.” Valkyr was interrupted by a white stream of lava gushing from Celestia’s horn, promptly cutting through and burning the blocking tree with ease, and the three watched, one bored, the other two gawking as the white flames quickly burned the offending tree and ONLY the single tree to ashes within a minute.

“There, let’s move on then.” Celestia cheerfully said as she trotted ahead, the two Tenno watching her plot sway with admiration.

“This mare.” Nyx breathed out.

“When we get back, we are SO tapping that again.” Valkyr asserted to her girlfriend.

---]=======/

“Here it is….” Nyx worriedly said as they approached what seemed to be a cave entrance with a long-destroyed Orokin door laying on the ground, seeming to have been ripped from it’s mounts at the mouth of the man-made cave. “The Coba Offsite-Storage Compound….”

“Frost Prime isn’t here Nyx. Just some Corruptors and their pets, we’ll grind through them and get your old frame back. Just so you know, I’m going to at least try to convince Boss to give it back once his own Warframe is repaired.” Valkyr softly soothed, and Celestia’s ears on her frame’s head turned back, getting her to turn her attention behind them.

“Not to be a bearer of bad news, but it seems the Infested have found the pathway I’ve burned through the forest.” Celestia informed. She’d had to burn down three more trees so Nyx wouldn’t get lost in her hazy memories.

“Then we’d better get inside. If we leave some Corrupted between us and them, the Corruptors will direct them to the Infested over us since the Infestation is a priority over everything else.” Nyx said as they bolted into the storage facility.

The design of the place was purely Orokin, with shimmering golden and alabaster surfaces everywhere. Instantly they were set upon by the Corrupted, but as Valkyr had planned, they jumped over them just in time for the Infested to come barging into the facility, and the Corrupted turned all attention to the ‘greater’ threat.

“This way! I remember this! The Corrupted were a very unwelcome wake-up call.” A strange inactive device shined in the center of the room that Nyx guided them to. The room was otherwise mostly full of hundreds of cryopods along the walls, ceilings, and scattered among the floor. Otherwise, the device was pointed at a shimmering not-wall on the far side. “H-here’s where it happened. Where I was cut down, and put to sleep. Oh gods...look at all of them! How...how could I have just left them here?” Nyx asked of herself, as clearly most of the pods were occupied, and cryopods were NOT used for inanimate storage.

“There’s no way we can get them all out of here...unless….” Valkyr looked at the device. “We could screw with the settings, get the Torsion Beam device to connect to Teshin’s Conclave on Mercury. There’s that inactive Gate in his Dojo, remember?”

“Perhaps Teshin knew of all this? Why else would he suggest I come? I can easily levitate all of these pods through the portal while you two buy me time.” Celestia stated as the sounds of Infested and weapons fire were getting closer.

“Got it, I’ll program the Torsion Beam Device, Valkitty...go nuts.” Nyx gestured back the way they came.

“WITH PLEASURE!” Valkyr screamed as she ran back towards the entrance, activating her Hysteria ability as she ran.

“Tenno, and Celestia, I shall provide the coordinates. Nyx, simply connect your Warframe to the Torsion Beam Device, we won’t have much time. The device does not seem to have a Key, and it will melt down within minutes, I suggest you move with all due haste.”

“Lotus? Where have you been? And I thought you and Teshin hated each other’s guts.” Nyx asked as she jumped across the room in one powerful leap, Celestia using her wings to a similar effect.

“There is no point to our feud taking precedence over the recovery of hundreds of Tenno. We need as many as we can get, for both our causes.” Lotus stated, getting Celestia to grumble.

“Well, quite honest of her. And here I thought we were doing this out of the goodness of our hearts.” Celestia growled, readying herself to rapidly move all the pods around her. She helped maintain Equus’ orbit and rotation, moving a few hundred several hundred pound canisters was nothing.

“Don’t be so upset Tia, Lotus is just as pragmatic as every other leading force in the Origin System, only difference is she actually cares that we not die, and also that at least some of us can live peacefully if we want to.” Nyx reassured her sexy friend as she put a palm over the slot meant for a Key, and soon it started whirring up. “Just be ready to practically chuck the pods through, cryopods are deceptively durable and autorepair so long as they’re not being constantly damaged.”

“Got it.” Celestia stated as she levitated all the bulky pods into the air, and the moment the portal opened, she sent them flowing into it like a river in the air.

“Well done, Tenno and Little Sol, I can see the pods arriving in my end.” Teshin suddenly informed through comm to them. “I thank you, it is torture to know where the needy are and not be able to reach them.”

“You could’ve been more direct.” Nyx complained.

“But then you would have not made the journey, and you both would not have come to realize important things about yourselves.” Teshin calmly replied.

“Teshin, that is complete bull and you know it.” Valkyr complained as she came back into the room, covered in disintegrating biomass and Corrupted blood.

“That may be, but you do know I still can’t really leave the Relays or my Dojo for long.” Teshin informed. “And you also would not have found what you were after. There should be something in that room, as well as a code of some sort. I am not sure.”

“Nyx...aren’t these yours?” Celestia suddenly asked, levitating a pair of white and golden Warframe legs to her, which disturbingly still had black flesh in them, getting her to squeal.

“MY LEGS! I missed you babies!” Nyx hugged her legs, which twitched and wiggled. “...Aaaaand that’s freaky. I know Tenno can reabsorb split mass but...these are a few decades gone and I’m kinda worried how much bigger I’ll get if I do reabsorb them….” Nyx mused in disgust and interest as Celestia continued to levitate the pods out, almost half done as Valkyr explored the room, the forces fighting outside of said storage chamber clearly more invested in each other than them.

“Oh~ now I WANT you to absorb them!” Celestia cooed, imagining Nyx being even bustier, and the Tenno, knowing what she was envisioning, felt quite embarrassed at the idea.

“I admit I was a really big guy before, I used to be as tall as a Rhino frame, but I was one of the first cases, so as usual, my Prime frame was entirely unique to me.” Nyx hazily remembered always towering over most people, until the Rhino Primes came along.

“FLOOR PANEL! WOO!” Valkyr suddenly cheered before she popped up out of the floor nearby, holding a Cipher. “Got a Cipher! Not sure what for, but a Cipher damn it!”

“... Please tell me you didn’t find a vault.” Nyx stated shakily, turning her head to the door, the sounds of battle suddenly went quiet.

“Ciphers don’t work on those, silly!” Valkyr said cattily, too happy with her find to notice.

“No, I mean DID YOU JUST OPEN A VAULT WHILE WE’RE-?!” Nyx was answered by a tide of Corrupted pouring into the room, laying fire down at them as they all jumped behind the nigh-indestructible Torsion Device. “DAMN IT VALKITTY!”

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t help it! Blame all our excursions out on the Derelicts looking for Ciphers to help us find Mirage!” Valkyr meekly countered, knowing her Loot Radar was really to blame.

“Girls!” Celestia yelled over the weapons fire, trying to get their attention.

“YOU MORON!” Nyx screamed angrily.

“Hey! At least I found SOMETHING!” Valkyr yelled at Nyx. “See?! There’s a pod down here that we missed! Though… It’s not on… and there’s just a frame inside.”

“GIRLS!” They both turned to the exasperated Celestia, who was shoving one last pod next to them, one that wasn’t on, and was holding a clearly empty frame if the braces holding the segments together were any indicator.

“Yeah that’s the one!” Valkyr pointed at it, before the two Tenno noticed that from their spot, the entire storage chamber was completely empty save the Corrupted flanking around at them, futilely trying to shoot through a golden fiery barrier that Celestia had clearly erected.

“If you’re both quite done bickering like a married couple, I’ve emptied the chamber, and judging by the hissing and crackling coming from this device, we’d best leave now.” Celestia informed, before she levitated them onto her back where they easily magnetically adhered to her, and she galloped towards the portal as the Torsion Beam Device started whirring on the final meltdown, and Celestia jumped through the portal with her companions and the inert pod moments before it collapsed behind them.

“Well done Tenno, and Celestia.” Teshin calmly greeted them among all the scattered pods, several Tenno of high veneration for their combat prowess and honor in the Conclave all beginning to carefully awaken individual Tenno. “It will take some time to awaken and acclimate the sleeping ones to the current way of things, but you have saved many from their centuries long slumber. I thank you.” Teshin bowed slightly, the bowl of water on his head pouring onto the floor, making him chuckle. “Sometimes I even forget I have that up there.”

“*wolf whistle* Hey~ who’s the one with the ass?”

“Nice flanks!”

“Ohmigosh, those wings!”

“There’s quad frames?! I want one!”

Celestia quickly laid down on the floor, tossing her friends off of her and trying to hide her body with her large wings. ‘I know I’m attractive but this is...Mother, why did I have to be blessed with your genes so much?’

The Perverts

“OW! OW! Hey babe-OW! I’m not usually-AGH! Up for these kinds of-OOF! Things until the-ARGH! Third date!” Proto-Excalibur cracked out as he was stomped, grabbed by a leg, and slammed around multiple times by an irate nude amazoness Nyx.

“SHUT UP YOU PERVERT!” Nyx screamed as she threw Proto-Excalibur down the hall with incredible strength, huffing and puffing at exerting herself to toss around a couple-hundred pound Tenno plus Warframe without a frame on herself. “I’m not some easy bitch you can just ask for sex asshole!”

“Wasn’t gonna!”

“LIAR! I HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS YOU IDIOT!”

“THEY’RE BROKEN!”

“STOP THINKING MY BOOBS ARE EQUIVALENT TO RHINO PRIME’S SHOULDERS!”

“STOP READING MY MIND!”

“Valkyr, since when was Nyx this strong?” Rhino Prime whispered as he leaned towards the squirming cat-themed Tenno.

“Probably since she got all that jiggly, sexy, shiny biomass back from her lost legs.” ‘Don’t pounce, don’t pounce, not yet, not yet.’

“That indeed makes sense. She has more mass to use for her own mobility. Also, look at her muscle definition!” Celestia pointed out with her armored hoof, making everyone notice the ripped muscle-shapes in Nyx’s form.

“Hm, I’ve heard that some Tenno’s biomass still has the genetic memory of their original state. Nyx must have been quite muscular before she lost her form’s stability.” Trinity mused, getting Artemis to hum as he rubbed a chin in supposition.

“Perhaps my Gender Bending potion also had an effect, beings Nyx is more-or-less trapped in this shape, it’s helping stabilize her?” Artemis proposed, getting everyone to gawk at Nyx even more as she put Proto-Excalibur in a leglock.

“Wait, so you mean this is how she would’ve looked BEFORE she became amorphous if she’d taken that potion?!” Valkyr asked, feeling even more turned on.

“COME ON NYX! CALM YOUR TITS FOR FIVE SECONDS!” Proto-Excalibur pleaded as Nyx changed from having him in a painful (but sexy) leglock and into a an even more painful (but still very sexy) armbinder.

“No! My anger has risen Warlord, and you’re currently the only one I want to smash for making me have to go through all this shit!” Nyx began bending him backwards, making Proto-Excalibur scream (in a manly fashion) in pain.

“DO IT OR YOU’RE KICKED!” Proto-Excalibur yelled, getting Nyx to stop. He then promptly spun around and squeezed Nyx’s left tit around her areola and nipple. “Honk!”

“YOU JACKASS!” Nyx yelled before going back to flinging around Proto-Excalibur like a ragdoll. “ONLY VALKITTY AND TIA CAN TOUCH ME!”

“YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT THE OTHER NIGHT!” Proto-Excalibur yelled before receiving a punch in the jaw. “WORTH IT!”

“Males are such pigs!” Nyx screamed as she threw Proto-Excalibur back down the other direction of the hall, passing the onlooking group like a bullet. She panted for a minute, before marching up to the group and grabbing Valkyr by the ‘ear’ of her helmet, and Tia by her helm’s horn, dragging them away. “I’m worked up, you’re going to help me calm down now.”

“YES~!” Both Valkyr and Celestia cried out in joy as they practically sped Nyx along to find a barrack for privacy…

Only to find that’s where Proto-Excalibur ended up.

“Ladies~.”

“...Fuck it! Tia, get his head!”

“W-wait, WHAT?! Noooooo~!” Proto-Excalibur cried out in false terror as the door shut, the rest of the group all looked at the door in bemusement.

“Hm...I think he’ll be fine for a few hours out of his frame, we just needed him in a stable cell-suppression frame for me to heal him and I already did.” Trinity considered, before shrugging. “Oh well, that display has me randy, come along stallion, I’m feeling seapony right now.” Trinity flicked Artemis’s ear, and the deep blue stallion grinned as he followed obediently, leaving Rhino Prime all alone in the room with Discord.

“...I’m not swapping genders and jumping you, just so you know.” Discord assured the only other bachelor not engaged in a relationship.

“Same here. Let’s just go play cards or something until this all calms down.” Rhino Prime said as he led Discord out of the green-turning-silver-due-to-Forma area. “Have you ever heard of Gin Rummy?”

“Have I~?”

---]=======/

“... Why?” Proto-Excalibur more or less stated, rather than asked. “It always ends up with me being tied to the bed, and being untied at some point during the fun. Just…. why?”

“Well last time was because you were a complete spoilsport.” Celestia said as she untied one of Proto-Excalibur’s feet from the large Grineer bunk bed. It wasn’t actually a bed as much as a slab, but Celestia’s magic made that a non-issue.

“This time was because we didn’t want you getting any real action with our amazoness, considering how much you actually managed to piss her off.” Valkyr commented from under the covers Celestia had spawned with a snoozing Nyx, using her right boob as a pillow, her left cat ear against it as her free one twitched against the plain white blanket she and Nyx were under.

“You say that, and I still got action with a princess and, surprise surprise, the ‘lesbian’.” Proto-Excalibur said. “Your explanation?”

“Hey, you know that’s almost impossible for us non-stable Tenno right? I ‘prefer’ femme forms, but sometimes I want a hard pole to disrupt my biomass now and then. Don’t get your hopes up though.” Valkyr woozily commented, shifting under the plain white blanket to get more comfortable, making Nyx groan in her sleep. “Gods, a femme I can use as a bed. So hot….”

“Shame she isn’t...big enough for both of us to sleep on her at once.” Celestia hinted with a lusty grin, making Valkyr purr and Proto hum in interest.

“Say...how big can a Tenno get? You unstable Tenno hate eating I hear, but, what if you just kept adding to your Biomass? Could we get giants capable of defeating whole armies with ease?” Proto-Excalibur considered as he reached up to the shelf above the top bunk of the ‘bed’ and put his helmet back on.

“No. At that point, we unstable Tenno become, well, even more unstable and aren’t able to actually keep us in one piece. Sure, we can form a body, but we’d be like...a really amorphous slime being of sorts, not a creature that’s able to fight, and building a Warframe of that size is just impractical. Lotus has had us do tests for that sort of thing. In the end it just results in black Tenno sludge having to be stored in tanks and occasionally used by Tenno wanting to move up to a bigger frame and not wanting to eat to gain the mass necessary to make it easier.” Valkyr said as she squeezed Nyx’s boobs from the sides, making the sleepy Nyx moan as the huge hill in the blanket bulged more.

“But how big can she get and still be physically viable?” Celestia asked insistently, rubbing her plot into the sheets.

“Considering her mass and her height? I’d say...maybe 10, 14 feet? Fourteen is pushing it, but I’d like to be optimistic. There’s no WAY she’d get a frame that big though.” Valkyr said. “But~, she’d definitely be of the size where we could both use her glorious tits as beds. Or at least large body pillows.”

“You two are just perverts.” Proto-Excalibur said. “Like, I’m a pervert, but you two are just irredeemable.”

“I’m over 3000 years old and unlike you lot I wasn’t in stasis for any of it. I have time and experience as excuses.” Celestia stated as she crawled under the covers at Nyx’s hips, and a few moments later, Nyx awoke with a cry of pleasure.

“And that just made my point. I’m going to leave now before you damage me, and make me actually consider having Lotus send a container of Tenno biomass, just to see a show.” Proto-Excalibur stood up, easily slipped into his Warframe, and jumped down to the door before leaving the three lovers be. ‘Hm, might just do that anyway, see if we can make a Warframe that big. It’d be interesting, seeing how something like that could fare on a planet’s surface. It’d need a special deployment system though….’

“So Warlord, I see you’re finally back on your feet?” Rhino Prime’s voice asked as Proto-Excalibur wandered the transforming mining facility to what seemed to be turning from yet another storage area into a rec room.

“Of course. What did you expect? Or were you hoping I’d stay a vegetable?” Proto-Excalibur joked. “I mean, seriously, it’s me we’re talking about here.”

“Very good sir, because we have an odd manifest of a shipment from Lotus.” Rhino Prime informed as an IM popped up on Proto-Excalibur’s HUD, and he about choked in surprise.

‘What does that bitch want?’

World Ender

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SECOND DREAM IS ENDING?!” Proto-Excalibur’s voice echoed through the whole Tenno Mining Installation with equal amounts of rage and fear. “IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP THE KIDS SAFE!”

“I know that! But Hunhow and Stalker have left me no choice!” Lotus bemoaned worriedly. “Ember Prime has been doing her best, but in the end I can only hope, I’m just letting you know what is about to happen, and to prepare your clan to retrieve their True Selves as quickly as possible along with all other Tenno.”

“Damn it. If we weren’t vulnerable already….”

“I plan to tempt New Loka to colonise the moon when it returns to Earth orbit, hopefully they will be more than enough to help defend it once the system resets. As a side note, it will be interesting to see how the Earth grows with two moons instead of one.”

“Heh, yeah, you getting the moon in the Void in the first place was an amazing feat, but then dropping a similar enough rock ball in it’s place? I just gave up on figuring that out.”

“I have my ways...brace yourself Volt, I’m afraid the worse has come to pass.” Lotus hung up, and shortly, Proto heard several distressing screams.

“Trinity! TRINITY! ANSWER US!” Artemis screamed in utter horror.

“VALKITTY! NO! THE DREAM!” Nyx screamed in fear, bursting out of the barracks and frantically running towards Proto-Excalibur with blankets around her body. “Sir! V-Valkyr-the Dream!”

“I know, calm your tits Nyx! Get her biomass in a canister and-.”

“TRINITY~! MY LOVE! NOOOOOO~!” Artemis wailed as he galloped into the room, levitating a formless orb of black Tenno biomass as he wept. “Trinity~! Sh-she just, just melted~!”

“... Everybody. Seriously. Just calm your tits and-”

“WARLORD!” Yelled Celestia as she burst into the room at full gallop. “Please explain why I’m hearing reports of my citizens DYING!”

“WHAT?!” Proto-Excalibur screamed. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR CITIZENS ARE DYING?!”

“I mean just that!” Celestia yelled as she held up a bloody scroll.. “My soldiers are coming out from the outskirts of Canterlot finding dead bodies. Some of them are coming back with nearly FATAL wounds and reporting about how they saw a bipedal black figure carrying a huge sword. I KNOW there’s not a single being on our planet that would do such a thing, especially in cold blood!”

“Stalker! That rat bastard! I’ll rip his dick off for this!” Nyx roared as she began levitating numerous materials from around and rushed off.

“Stalker? You mean that shady one in the black armo- oh.” Celestia said, coming to a realization. “Ya know, that kind of makes sense… But wait! Why would he attack us?! Last time he was here, he was so polite and kind. Why would he be attacking us now, especially after how we got along?!”

“... I don’t know, Celestia…” Proto-Excalibur said. “... I do know he has to be stopped, however.” Proto-Excalibur turned on his coms. “Everybody who’s not down, finish up helping the downed, then hurry up and get over here. We got a rampaging Stalker, and it’s getting bad… Like, innocents going down bad.”

It was tense for a second, as almost nobody answered, until a single crackle came on. “Sir...I am...awake.” Rhino Prime came on the coms. “I lost consciousness, but my Warframe snapped me awake after a moment.”

“Right...the Prime Frames were originally...okay, Rhino Prime, you get your best gear, and meet me planetside to stop a homicidal maniac from killing more innocent ponies...” Proto-Excalibur said, a slight hesitation in his voice. “And… and bring plan Romeo Romeo Papa.”

“... If the situation demands it si-”

“OF COURSE IT DEMANDS IT! THERE ARE INNOCENTS DYING!” Proto-Excalibur yelled over the coms. “There is nothing that would warrant that MORE than this!”

“... I need your authorization code sir.”

“Nine-er Charlie Echo Fife.” Proto-Excalibur said.

“... It shall be done sir.” Rhino Prime said before hanging up.

“What’s-” Celestia tried to ask before being interrupted by Proto-Excalibur.

“Get in your frame Celestia.” The Warlord demanded. “And Nyx, get ready for battle. Gonna be needing you to at least stop our ‘friend’ from killing anyone else.”

“Already on it sir!” Nyx replied as she entered, surprising the three in the room to see her already garbed in a pieced-together junk Warframe mostly made of Grineer ferrite, high-carbon alloy plates, some scraped-together plastids, and what seemed to be a hunk of argon crystal as the power source, more or less looking like a patchwork Nyx Warframe.

“Alright. Jacques, I need a pick up, STAT.” Proto-Excalibur said over coms right before his ship appeared above him. “Already on that, I see. Good job Jaques.”

---]=======/

“Stop.” Stalker said, seemingly to nobody as he walked towards a small hamlet, towards a beacon of energy that wasn’t present anywhere else on the planet. “They are innocent.”

“They are in our way, Shadow.”

“They’ve done nothing.” Stalker said as he continued onwards anyway, his altered armor and flowing dark cape shimmering in the light like a living mass of shadow trying to displace light itself, a complete inverse of the natural order.

“They exist, and so, they die.”

“No.” Stalker growled, continuing his trek through Canterlot, several noble and foolish guards bleeding out in the formerly pristine streets behind him.

“STALKER, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!” Came an enraged scream from the sky, before Stalker looked up to see a massive Tenno rapidly descending with an Archwing, which she detached from at low altitude and dove at him with a Dragon Nikana ready for an iaito slice. “DIE!”

“Nyx.”

“A fool, to the last.” Hunhow drawled. “When was the last time you heartless fools even knew yourselves, besides the rare few who even now remain purposeless?”

“”FUCK OFF YOU DAMN-!” Nyx sliced, only for her intensely sharp Dragon Nikana blade to be blocked effortlessly by Stalker’s War greatsword. “CHEAP, JACKASS!”

“Run.”

“You will die, like all the rest.” Hunhow stated calmly, and Stalker used an unforeseen amount of strength to end the clash their Warframes had allowed to sustain, and launch Nyx down the cobblestone street, causing a racket as her rickety and unrefined Warframe rolled and tumbled along the road before she quickly sprang back to her feet, preparing to strike again. “End her Shadow.”

“So it’s like Lotus said then, Hunhow, back from the dead. Thought we’d seen the last of you when I heard of the battle on Uranus.” Nyx hissed.

“Interesting, this one speaks so familiarly. Is that you Excalibur Prime? It has been a while. How is that missing kidney doing?” Hunhow mocked of their last encounter.

“Fine, since I don’t need it anymore!” Nyx used her telekinesis to fire several impact missiles at Stalker, who dodged, and she and him clashed swords again, this time with her standing over him, her strength, size and leverage superior even to his enhanced strength and heavier sword thanks to her Decisive Judgement Stance discipline.

“Please. Leave.”

“Don’t worry buddy, I’ll get you free from this dick.”

“So weak.” Suddenly, a blade of energy launched point-blank from the greatsword, sending Nyx sliding back as she held the attack at bay, and shouted as she sliced through it with her nearly supernaturally sharp sword, dissipating the attack. “You mortals, hopeless fools to the very end.”

“So stupid.” Nyx commented, mere seconds before Stalker vanished just before an enormous orb of fire impacted where he’d been in an explosion. “That you think I’d come face you alone.”

“HUNHOW!” Stalker appeared, hovering in mid-air as he looked up to see the flying Plot Prime with her horn aimed at him, a mane and tail of pure fire being generated entirely from Celestia’s unbridled fury as she hovered above. “You have slain My Little Ponies in cold blood, and for this, not even Tartarus is afforded you! The sentence is death!”

“Shadow, end her.”

“World creator.”

“Her?”

“Yes.”

“All the more reason then!” Stalker sent an endless barrage of pink energy blades at Celestia, who expertly wove through them in a dive as she closed in on Stalker, but while she was doing this, Hunhow had neglected the real threat.

“Kidney!” Stalker barely avoided a stab from Nyx, and a follow-up slash, along with a stream of sun-hot fire lancing from Celestia with a potency no Ignis could ever hope to match, only to nearly lose his head from the nearly floating dance of Nyx’s blade that followed, her great stature and bulky frame not at all lessening the grace of her sword style.

“ENOUGH!” Hunhow roared, sending a shockwave out that launched Nyx and Celestia away at terminal velocities, smashing through the nearby storefronts like wrecking balls. “Shadow, erase the world-builder!”

“Not on my watch, Hunhow!” Bellowed Rhino Prime as he slammed into the ground, creating a not-as-potent shockwave that jostled Stalker.

“Leave.”

“Shadow, destroy the world-builder and her protectors now.”

“You act like I’m not even here-.”

“What point is there, when your Heart isn’t here to be ripped out?”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I’m going to be shutting you up now.” Rhino Prime growled as he took a Boltor Prime while his unobtrusive Ankyros Prime gauntlets flared, ready to use a combination of gunplay and his Seismic Fist style on the genocidal monster.

Not waiting for him to attack, Stalker bolted at Rhino Prime, who sprayed his assault rifle’s armor-piercing bolts at his approaching opponent. Stalker used a combination of his speed and deflecting the bolts with his War sword on final rush, but when Stalker got close enough, suddenly, Hunhow learned why charging a Rhino is a dumb idea.

Rhino Prime’s left fist left his gun, launching at Stalker like a bullet, and the blade of his Ankyros Prime easily deflected the strike, but that wasn’t all. Rhino’s strike didn’t stop at that, it kept going, stabbing into Stalker’s chest, and effectively launched the Orokin like a slingshot into the second story of the boutique across the street from Celestia and Rhino Prime. “Are you alright Princess?”

“Ow...yes, Rhino Prime, your interference is quite appreciated.” Celestia groaned as she climbed out of the wreckage of the cake store she’d been launched into. ‘I will avenge thee, Delicate Creme’s Delicatessen.’

“LIVER!” Nyx shouted, and shortly Stalker vacated the boutique he’d been punched into, followed by Nyx who was trading sword-swings with Stalker. “Croup-dock-haunch, shoulders, hips! ART OF THE DRESS MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Princess, Nyx, herd him towards me! I will pound the life out of his body!” Rhino Prime commanded calmly, his companions moving to do so as he reloaded his Boltor Prime and charged towards Stalker, who instantly disengaged from Nyx to try and kill Celestia. Perfect. “CHARGE!” Rhino Prime used his Rhino Charge straight at Stalker, Nyx rushed Stalker too with several telekinetic bolts following, Celestia stood her ground with fire erupting all around her as Stalker neared.

“Fall.” Hunhow said, quite simply.

Everything went dark.

Strength left them, the sounds of metal falling to the ground clattered.

“You are strong, I will admit. But I am beyond strength. I have slain hundreds of worlds. This city will be just the beginning. Soon, I will cleanse this rock as I have so many others. But first, you, little sunspot. Must be snuffed out.” Hunhow monologues, Celestia gasped for air, choking, Nyx and Rhino Prime tried to move in the oppressive Dark, but couldn’t muster the strength to even pick themselves up. “Soon, this sky will be as beautiful as all things must be. Once no life pollutes it.”

Celestia watched in horror as the spirit of Hunhow emerged from the Darkness and loomed over her as Stalker’s hands crushed her Warframe’s throat. “And it all starts with your end.” Celestia flinched as he reached for her. “Do not worry, I shall be-”

“It’s not nice to treat a lady that way.” Came a deep, almost sensual, voice before the darkness faded and Stalker was sent flying backwards.

“About damn time!” Nyx growled as she struggled to her feet, and the figure between Stalker and Celestia crossed his arms.

“Rubedo Rhino Prime, RRP, reporting for duty!” The Warlord hammed, so excited to be using his most powerful and experimental Warframe in battle. Even though the heavy Rubedo infused into the Warframe drastically enhanced all of it’s capabilities, it more or less nullified the preserving functions of the Prime frame it was done to, not to mention the amount of energy it pulled from the Tenno inside being a ludicrously large amount compared to even the Prime version.

“The Coward.”

“Is that so Shadow? How odd it is then that he’s here.” Hunhow grit out angrily. “So many not hiding their hearts, not sleeping in safety. How is it that you’re all here in this one place, while the rest of your kind are all still sleeping?”

“Because they jammed me directly into the suit.” The Warlord said. “I was the last of my type, more powerful than even the Primes in Transference. This was the frame they stuck me into originally. When they realized it was a danger to them and to me they moved me to a different frame. Recovered this relic recently, to be honest.”

“No matter, Shadow, end-.” Hunhow was silenced by the Rhino Charge from RRP being so sudden, and so FAST that he closed the distance within a split second. Not even Stalker blocking with War was enough to prevent the impact ragdolling him.

“GRAKATA~!” RRP screamed rapturously as he quickly drew the Twin Prisma-plated Grakata at his sides, flipping them around unnecessarily before unloading into Stalker.

“CLEM! GRAKATA!” Clem suddenly appeared, as if from nowhere, multiple times, and all began unloading their own Twin Grakatas as well.

“Taste Clem’s Clones you bitch!”

“Shadow, disengage! You’re taking-!” Stalker was then suddenly knocked out of the endless juggle from all the Grakata bullets holding him aloft from a cube-shaped laser bubble, followed by two Glaives smacking him around, and Stalker was too stunned in the fall to do anything as he neared RRP, who was rearing back a Fragor, all of the energy lines in it glowing blindingly bright.

“FORE~!” RRP gleefully screamed, and Stalker raised War in a vain attempt to stop what was coming, only for the weapon to snap in 3 at the guard before he took the full blunt of the attack and was sent flying. “HAVE FUN ON THE MOON!”

“HIS FUN SHALT NOT DOUBLE!” Artemis’s voice echoed from everywhere, because it’s a known fact evoking a god gets you heard by them anywhere.

Everything then became eerily silent, everyone calming down from the sudden put-down of an enemy that nearly killed them, only for two blades to fall from the air and stab into the cobblestone near Nyx and Celestia, the two broken halves of Stalker’s War sword still coursing with power. “No...this cannot...be….”

“It can, and it has, Hunhow.” RRP stated simply, watching the Sentient’s life leave his bones, the sword still retaining power even so.

The silence returned for about five seconds after they stopped glowing, only to be interrupted by RRP screaming, “NOW SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN THING! DEAR GOD IT BURNS IN HERE!”

In Which the Authors Revamp (And Ruin) Everything

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Lesson on Tenno Biology

“Tia, come out of there!” Nyx pleaded as she pounded on the door to the lavatory that Celestia had run into and locked shortly after all the Tenno who’d never even SEEN an equine kept giving her cat-calls. Then again, some of those were for her, but she didn’t care over getting Celestia out of the bathroom.

“No! I’m just eye-candy! Nopony sees me as a pony~!” Celestia whinnied in despair of her sexiness devaluing her as a mare.

“We see you as a pony!” Valkyr insisted, having been just as quick to try and console their lover-Friend, as her girlfriend was.

“WHERE’D THE HOT CHICK GO?!” A random Wukong demanded as he bound into the room on an Orthos like a monkey, looking around. Beings Wukong was an incredibly new model rediscovered, they knew he wasn’t in the room earlier, and was probably looking for Celestia on hearsay.

“You’re not helping!” Valkyr growled.

“Not our fault she’s the hottest Tenno ass we’ve seen in decades.” A Frost commented.

“She’s not even a Tenno!” Nyx piped up, getting everyone to pause in surprise.

“...Wow, that’s more impressive actually.” A random Excalibur said.

“And what is THAT supposed to mean?!” Valkyr growled.

“That means, that she’s all-natural under that armor, no shape-shifting, no subconscious preferences, she’s just pure sexy.” A Loki explained, getting appreciative nods from most of the males and a lot of females who clearly had a preference for the feminine form.

“WHY Mother?! WHY did you bless ME with your plot and not Lulu~?!” Celestia whined from the lavatory as Teshin had calmly witness the ridiculous display.

“Little Sun, do not bemoan your good fortune. Rather, I’d insist you not remove your Warframe. Overexposure to Tenno direct skin-to-skin has the tendancy to create more Tenno.” This made both Nyx and Valkyr go rigid, before whirling on him.

“What do you mean?!” They both asked fearfully at the same time, and Teshin calmly folded his arms.

“What I mean is, you Tenno are not just amorphous biomass. You’re more like the Infested; masses of nanite colonies using biomass as a medium for your neural and physical manipulation and mobilization. Only, unlike the hiveminded Infested, Tenno have the fortune of being their own individual ‘hives’ so to speak, caused by your Void Sickness. Thus, you Tenno are actually contagious, the only reason I and Stalker aren’t infected is because of our regular and persistent use of our own special Warframes.” Teshin finished, getting both Nyx and Valkyr to feel utterly awful.

“Uh...so...hypothetically...if Tia was our lover…?” Nyx asked fearfully.

“Oh, she’s got it, definitely.” Teshin confirmed, making Nyx fall back in a dead faint, her old legs fly into the air.

“NYX!”

---]=======/

“COULDN’T YOU HAVE SAID THAT BEFORE SHOCKING NYX INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS?!” Valkyr screamed at Teshin after Nyx came to, Celestia worriedly hovering over her like a mother hen, all her personal concerns suddenly unimportant for the moment.

“Well I had thought it obvious, considering you had already been in prolonged physical and intimate contact with her and her kind for over a year now. Void Sickness takes only a matter of hours to run it’s course upon initial contact. If she hasn’t become a Tenno by now, she’s certainly immune at least to your Tenno Technocyte Virus. I’m not willing to test any of her tissues with Infested Technocyte however. Imagine the nightmarish repercussions if they got even a sample of a feather from her.” Teshin audibly shuddered.

“...Good point. Considering Tia could throw a planet around like it’s a yo-yo, I don’t want any Infested getting a whiff of her. Coba was close enough. Speaking of which; would you know of any-”

“Nope, that’s it. That was the last great repository of my race’s achievements on Earth, everything else has been destroyed by the Grineer, time, or taken by yourselves or the Corpus.” Teshin stated with finality. “Of all the things I’ve kept eye on over the long centuries, Coba was always a dark stain on wrapping things up for Earth.”

“Well then, Tia, do me a favor.” Nyx said as she reached up and caressed her lover-friend’s cheek. “Throw that fucking mudball into the sun so the Grineer will die a lot quicker.”

“Well...I’ll dip the planet in the sun, cleanse it, then return the molten slag-ball to it’s orbit, will that do? Do I have to do the same with the moon?” Celestia asked as if smiting an entire planet wasn’t anything new. What Celestia never told anypony, was she’d had to do the deed to a nearby planetoid that kept growing worrying parasitic tumorous growths and trying to somehow move towards Equus’ solar orbit every ten or so years.

“Yeah, but first we need to let the Tenno who made homes there evacuate. I mean, that resort on Hawaii will be a depressing loss, but yeah, moon too. Grineer have mined the absolute fuck out of it, you’ll have to let it smelt if you want a perfect orb again.” Valkyr commented, making Teshin hum.

“Intriguing. Terraforming entire planets. Little Sun, could you do all this? Even move the oceans to freeze in space for repurposing?” Teshin asked conversationally, making Celestia fidget.

“Um...certainly? Mother did very much the same with Equus before settling down, or at least she said as much. All the genetic material that would be in the ice and water would also speed up the planet’s reborn ecosystem by a few thousand years, and I might even have to superheat the ice myself if the planet’s going to form it’s own atmosphere anytime soon.” Celestia mused. ‘Mother’s notes were very comprehensive, I’ll need to check her diaries and theological texts.’

“... Science, science, blah blah blah.” Valkyr said, bored. “I thought we were trying to help out the boss, not marvel on about how powerful Celestia is. Now, if you could just tell us what we grabbed so we can go back to the dojo and put the boss in it, we’d be VERY happy…” ‘Especially me, ‘cause that means more snu snu.’

“Well, aside from the two hundred or so Tenno you rescued, you also brought through containers holding dozens of Warframes, one of which, is the one you journeyed there for, and one more, was a special thing that all Warframes were originally based on, including the Primes. In fact, it’s even better than the intended Frame you sought out.” Teshin turned and strode away, the three following with Tia nervously trying not to sashay her flanks, but her Frame’s design more or less forced her to.

“So...here you are, old friend.” Nyx said to the legless Excalibur Prime Warframe that was being looked over on an Orokin ‘operating table’. It was incredibly large, easily as tall and as bulky as a standard Rhino Warframe, indicating it’s original owner, Nyx, had indeed been a very large male before her injuries and separation from her original frame allowed her Technocyte Virus to mutate her into a black blob of flesh and nanites. “I may not be able to use you again, what with whatever that potion did screwing with my body so bad, but it’s good to see you again.”

“Nyxie, you don’t have to talk to it. Frames don’t have souls.” Valkyr soothed, trying to urge her lover to let go, and the busty Nyx took a steadying breath as she put the legs down on the table, willing her biomass to ooze out of the stabilizing metals and systems of the legs and pool around her legs, hissing as it seeped in through her frame’s seams, and her Warframe visibly shuddered as it compressed the additional mass into her body.

“Ow, fucking ow. This is why I HATE Trinity frames, they’re too damn petite….” Nyx hissed. It was easier for a Tenno to get into a Frame if it was bigger, harder if it was smaller. Meaning Trinities had naturally less biomass to work with than most Tenno. It was easy enough for Tenno to add or lose biomass, but considering Tenno rarely needed to actually eat outside of absorbing raw energy or living beings if necessary, actually ‘eating’ was a chore to the Tenno as a whole. So Tenno didn’t like losing biomass if they could help it.

“Mmm, I can’t wait to get home and see how much your...assets have grown.” Valkyr actually purred, getting Nyx and Celestia to shudder in anticipation. “But this frame is so huge, boss couldn’t possibly fit in it.”

“And that, is what the other frame I truly intended you to find comes in.” Teshin said as he then led them to another table, this one holding the mysterious model Warframe Valkyr had found in the vault.

“So, uh, what’s in here?” Valkyr asked. “I mean, you’re being VERY cryptic about it, and I’m not the smartest Tenno. So if you would kindly explain, that’d be nice.”

“We did not create the Primes off-hand. There was a precedent to even them. This, is that precedent. Behold, the Oldest Warframe.” Teshin grandly introduced with his enigmatic voice. “Proto-Excalibur.”

“...It doesn’t seem that different to me.” Celestia commented, getting affirming nods from everyone who wasn’t Teshin, making the ancient Orokin man sigh.

“Of course, it was found during excavations, historical societies trying to hold on to our origins. They ended up finding this buried in a lost temple. Proto-Excalibur was the basis of all our Warframe technology. The mass-production models being the furthest from it. But in the end, every Warframe on record has Proto-Excalibur to thank for it’s success.” Teshin then held out a palm, and an Infested flesh node materialized, writhing, making everyone nervous, but the Orokin helped guide the Infestation to what it was, if Teshin was holding it, more than likely it was safe. “Observe.”

Teshin opened Proto-Excalibur’s helm, and dropped the flesh into it. It promptly tried to expand and mold, but the flesh could only twitch as it had in Teshin’s hand. “So the suppressing alloys and technology all originated from this Warframe….” One of the Loki helping observe said in awe.

“Yes. It’s in fact stronger than even the Prime frames in this aspect. Take this to your Warlord and quickly transfer him into it. Even if he suffers tissue damage, the Proto-Excalibur will prevent his Technocyte Virus from advancing at all.” Teshin informed, causing Valkyr to bow, and Nyx to weakly tilt forward, all her extra biomass making her frame stiff.

“Thank you Master Teshin, you have our sincerest gratitude.” Celestia said for the fiery Valkyr and currently grunting-to-bow Nyx.

---]=======/

“Well that was disturbingly easy.” Nyx commented from the side as the three all looked out of the Mantis at the rapidly cooling molten spheres that were once Earth and Luna (the moon) with a massive amount of ice melting all over the large dense planet. Ordis had picked them up on Mercury within an hour, and flew them to Earth, helped Celestia by flying towards the sun, and helped by flying back to Earth’s original coordinates all within several hours to smite the Grineer’s majority powerbase and the otherwise toxic planet.

Unfortunately, a great number of Grineer ships left the planet as it was being moved, so sadly even if their homeworld and their planet-bound bases were all gone, likely their leaders were still alive. Time would tell if this would be a nail in the coffin for the Grineer, or just a major setback for the doggedly determined genocidal monsters. Especially considering they had bases and cloning facilities all across the Origin Systems, Earth just being the seat of their power.

But it was necessary anyway, Earth wasn’t going to ever recover at the rate things were going. At least now, with all the technology available, and with the planet now basically starting from scratch, there was no value to it for any save the most doggedly determined schemes that could stand up to the inhospitable environment.

Then came the awkward ten hour trip back to Equus in the Outer Terminus systems which were what most called the nearest star systems to Sol.

Especially when Nyx caved in to the pain, and stripped.

“Girls...please stop staring….” Nyx fidgeted, arms over her massive bust as she clutched them to herself, gratuitous amounts of titflesh bulging over and under her arms thanks to her new K-cup size and added half-foot of height. The legs she added? Yeah, she was a big guy before….

“So...big….” Celestia’s wings fluttered as she looked up at her friend-. ‘Buck it! That Tenno is my lover!’

“I wanna motorboat them...so bad.” Valkyr simpered, wanting to indulge, only to be fought by Celestia over them.

“Think of what Volt Prime would say about this!” Nyx whined as she looked down at her massive orbs. She’d need a new custom frame for her new body unless Artemis finally let her have the antidote, unless her biology would just screw up more for all she now knew.

“He’d say they’re huge!” Celestia yelled, engaging in her ‘fight’ with Valkyr, the fight being no more than slapping each other futilely.

“I know, but I meant about this situation!” Nyx added, pointing to her far-too-small Warframe for reference.

“He’d still say they’re huge!” Valkyr replied, returning the ‘blows’ she was exchanging with Celestia.

“You’re not helping!” Nyx cried. It was at this point that Ordis had enough, and turned off the Life Support long enough for everyone in the cabin to pass out.

---]=======/

“OH MY GODS~!” Trinity squealed in peals of laughter, the petite femme sputtering in amusement at how she had to look so far up at the seven-foot-tall Nyx from her position she couldn’t even see the femme’s face without her pulling her massive breasts apart, much to the nude femme’s intense embarrassment. Beings there wasn’t enough material aboard the Mantis for her to even fabricate a robe or even a metal bikini since Ordis had been donating to the Clan as ordered due to them needing more resources for defenses, repairs, and specters.

“Could you just shut up and get me something to cover up with?! I’ll take some damn patched-together Grineer alloy plates if it’ll at least cover my naughty bits!” Nyx pleaded, trying to ignore how absolutely everyone but Trinity were gawking at her as she tried in vain to cover both of her nipples with one arm, the far nipple just barely out of reach, while the other hand covered her groin. The shine of her liquid-black body just making her shapeliness even more profound.

“LIMBO!” Trinity yelled, the dapper Warframe showing up instantly.

“You called?” Limbo said, doing a small bow and tipping his ‘hat’. “Is there something you- OH DEAR!” Limbo finally noticed Nyx’s naked form. “I see. One second please, I have to go talk to Mirage and Nekros.”

“All this aside, we did get what we needed.” Celestia finally interjected since nobody could stop staring at the amazoness long enough to get back to business. ‘Her ass is even better too! I just want to shove my muzzle in there and-stop Tia! Business, first!’ Celestia levitated over the Proto-Excalibur Warframe and moved it to Trinity, who seemed interested as she took it from Celestia’s golden glowing aura, and dragged it toward the room where she had Volt Prime sedated and his Warframe repaired enough to open easily.

“Now then, quick tally! Who here would want to bang Nyx, raise your hands or hooves!” Valkyr cheered, raising her hand, Celestia a hoof, and everyone else including Artemis and Discord raising a limb in affirmative, getting Nyx to moan in embarrassment.

“I LIVE~!” Volt Prime’s voice screamed in joy as he suddenly did a powerslide into the hall. “I feel amazing! This new Warframe is-HOLY SHIT! WHERE DID THIS BABE COME FROM?! SHE’S HUGE!”

“TOLD YOU!”