CARDBOARD IS DELICIOUS!!!
I can't type using my hooves. There too big! I found something on the laptop a person gave me when I was dimension hopping that let me use my voice instead! I still don't understand why that man wanted me to leave so badly. That's when he gave me the laptop, and I left. I hope he wasn't too upset that I broke his desk. It did look very old. I'm sure he understood it was an accident.
Anyway, this fan fiction, or as the cool ponies call it, fan fic, is about me! I'm Pinkie Pie and I live in Ponyville! Ponyville in the really sad, poor part of Equestria! No one wants to live here, ponies live here when bad things happen to them or they move here when their fillies and need to find their sad butt marks symbolizing only lifelong loyalty to one talent, in which if they fail, they are sentenced to eternal damnation, cutie marks never matching, life remaining plain. Things just got deep.
Hey look, my face appeared on the screen!
The story starts out with me in my creepy basement room where I keep files of everypony in existence because I'm Pinkie Pie. That's when I saw a perfectly good box of cupcakes in the dusty corner. I decided to eat them, ignoring the note that said toxic with a skull and crossbones on it. When I ate it I soon noticed that there was something else besides the cupcakes I ate. When I opened my mouth, there was a piece of cardboard inside. It tasted...good. Almost like...I don't know! So I made up a new word for it. Dieickimani! It means the best thing in the world that I ever had in my entire life and can't possibly have any bad health effects because it tastes so good. It beats all the cakes in the world a billion times and more. Infinity times! No! Infinity plus infinity times! That's a lot of times!
I decided I needed to get this out in the open! To do some...tests...if you will. So I did what any normal pony would do. Kidnap!
First, I needed two outsiders. Two who would never be noticed. I decided to go for Octavia. A famous cellist. No one would know it was me! MWMWHAHAHAHAHA! She was smart, so I had to it the old fashion way! I saw her in the park, all I had to do was lure her into the dark ally I was in.
"Hey Octi, I have your cello in this dark ally that can't possibly be dangerous at all because I'm in it and I'm not planning anything that could injure you because we're friends and friends don't try to kill each other, right?!"
"Um...who exactly are you?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...YOU'RE JOKING RIGHT!"
"No, seriously, who are you? And why are you trying to lure me into an ally?"
"What is this word you speak of...lure, because I haven't lured anyone into an ally ever, whatever that strange foreign word means, I haven't done it because I'm not some kidnapper who lures ponies into ally's, or whatever lure means. Well...what I'm really trying to say is I haven't done it."
"I'm just going to go now."
"But I have your cello."
"I'm holding my cello."
"But are you really?
"Yes, I am."
"Oh."
I suddenly realized she wouldn't be as easy to crack. I had to do this the hard way. And by that I mean forcefully stuffing her into a gym back and knocking her out, carrying her into my creepy basement room, tying her to a chair using rope and gagged her, and leaving for five hours to get my other victims. Like I said, the hard way.
One down, two to go. I now needed someone with good taste. A farmer perhaps. Carrot Tops. She would have to do. The only other legit Ponyville farmers were the Apples, but let's be honest, all they ever do it eat apples, talk about apples, grow apples, apples, apples, apples, that's all they ever do. Seriously, no one likes apples that much.
Carrot Tops was a sad, misunderstood pony with literally no friends, even I think she needs her...um...alone time...all the time...forever. All she wants to do is engage in role play, for like, hours at a time. Nerd. No one would even know she was kidnapped. If she was. MWMWMWHAHAHA. Wow...I need to keep that in check.
My plan was to sneak up behind her, steal her life's work, run, and eventually, lock her in a closet until I came back with my last victim. I didn't expect her to tackle me and then bite my leg. That was uncalled for. The conversation went something like this.
"Give me back my carrots!"
"Never!"
"I'm going to get the police!"
"Okay!"
"I own eight guns!"
"That's nice!"
"Aren't you afraid at all?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
"I don't know...but I would be more afraid if you come with me and I lock you in my basement for at least three hours."
"Okay!"
Sucker! She totally fell for it! Well, she is Carrot Tops after all. After locking her in the closet, I went on to take on the last pony to test the cardboard.
The last pony was easy. One of my best friends. Princess Twilight Sparkle. This would be easy.
"Hey Twilight, I found some really old books at my house! Wanna read them?"
"Would I!"
Twilight was easy because she trusted me, and she loves books. It's weird. Books. So an hour later all three guinea pigs were in my basement. Octavia was awake, Carrot Tops was tied to a chair, and Twilight was waiting patently to read. This would be fun. Just imagine how amazing it would be to have my own cardboard company. I was so excided. But, I knew I had to act serious. It was hard, but I had to. FOR THE CARDBOARD!
"Today you all will be eating cardboard for science. If my theory's are correct, this cardboard can do magical things, like heal the sick, defeat evil witchcrafty stuff, and bring ponies back from the dead.
"How does that even work?" Octavia cocked her head.
"I just does! Now all of you will get a chance to test it. Doesn't that sound fun? Twi, you can go first!"
"Wait, what!" She tried to escape, but I had Gummy guarding the door. Twilight tripped over him and fell on her face. "ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS READ A BOOK LIKE A NORMAL PONY! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!"
I dragged her back to my test room for the tests. This was gonna be good. I had created a spread of delicious cardboard treats for my subjects to taste. Twilight looked at them, hesitantly before shaking her head. "Pinkie, I'm not going to eat this. It isn't normal." I frowned. I didn't think Twilight would reject it. I mean, I said it was for science. SCIENCE! Anyway, for the next fifteen minutes, I tried my very hardest to get Twilight to eat the cardboard, but nothing worked. It was very frustrating. I had to do something I hadn't wanted to do for a long time.
"Will you excuse me for a second, Twi." I walked into one of my dark closets and thought very hard about what I was going to do. Suddenly, my hair went flat, and my eyes, green.
"Finally, you let me out of there. I was just dying to say hi."
"Okay, let's make this quick,I still have full control, but you can talk now. Were not killing anypony, got it."
"Oh Pinkie Pie, you always were boring. Why exactly do you need me?"
"I am forcing some of the ponies I kidnapped to eat cardboard and they won't and now I'm going to be a failure in life."
"Wait a minute. You kidnapped ponies. Wow."
"Please help me."
What's in it for me?"
"Um...I'll take you to see Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the musical."
"Deal!"
"See, I know what you like...besides murder."
"I hate you."
So now with Pinkamena out of the cage in the darkest part of my mind, I could become a famous cardboard pony, thing. The only thing wrong was that I looked really strange. When ever I spoke my mane and tail was normal and when ever Mena spoke my mane and tail would become flat. I kind of looked like I was insane.
Mena wasn't me, she was almost some weird personality change, but sometimes I could lock her away in my mind, trap her. Sometimes I was scared she would get out and hurt somepony I cared about. But she was good sometimes, and would help me, but I knew all those times she helped me she was just buttering me up so I would let her free. Even if she did, I would never let her free.
We ended up strapping Twilight to a table and forcefully stuffing the cardboard into her mouth. Guess what? She loved it. For real, she asked for seconds. Mena wanted to keep her there but I lectured her on how keeping ponies strapped to a table is wrong. She just rolled her eyes, but I think she might have listened.
"Get the gray one first, she looks like she would squirm."
"You're starting to sound really creepy."
"I don't care."
"I wish you did. You would make such a great friend if you didn't try to be a murderer all the time."
"I said get the gray one. NOW!"
I grabbed Octi and strapped her to the table. She started screaming and kicking, I tried to calm her down, but it didn't work. The cardboard was stuffed down her throat and she groaned. "What are you doing to me," she said, scared. I almost felt bad, but it was for the good of all pony kind.
Before I knew what was happening, Gummy burst in and ate all the cardboard. There was something different about him. He was huge. "What did you do!?" Mena giggled at my remark.
"He's cuter this way," she said, scratching Gummy under his chin. "And look, he has his big boy teeth." He did have his big boy teeth. Well, he never really ever had teeth at all until now. Mena was up to no good, I could tell. It was really obvious, she kept bursting out into evil laughter every five seconds and mumbling stuff about how one day she would be the supreme ruler of the universe. I was so confused on how she would do that. She was only part of my mind.
Octavia lay completely still except for her chest moving up and down, up and down. I stared at it, looking for any hint that maybe, just maybe, I was dreaming. This hadn't turned out how I had planned. She had planned. She had planned. She had thought, I had thought. What was I even thinking any more? I sounded like a crazy pony. But I sort of was. She definitely was.
While all this was happening I felt something strange happen. Almost as if part of me had been...taken. "Oh Pinkie, you really did think you could control me, did you? Now I'll have to control you. If I were you I would have kept you captured, or me captured." She drew a large battle ax from out of no where and began swinging it around wildly. She then climbed on Gummy's back and rode away. I was in her mind now. Her mind. Or, maybe my own mind taken over, or...um... well, you get the gist.
I had no control from the start, I was broken, like she was. Trapped. Alone. Then I had an idea. Twilight could help me. Separate us with her magic. It was the perfect plan. I had to use all my strength to speak. But it was all worth it. I had to wait till the perfect time to tell her. I think it went well though.
"TwilightIneedyoutouseaseperationspellonmenotimetoexplainokaybye!"
"Wait, what?"
Pinkie spoke for the last time she would for a long time. She took over us. She was always the leader of the pack and both of us knew that now. Pinkie was gone.
I saw nothing, knew nothing, until Twilight came and used her magic to separate us. When it happened, well, it was painful, so very painful. Like my body, our body, was being ripped apart. Everypony stared as two voices were screaming, they were coming from the same pony, but screaming. And crunching. And cracking. The noises coming from me, us, were terrifying. On one hoof, I wanted all this to stop, the pain, the crunching, the cracking, the screaming, I wanted it to stop. But on the other, I felt better, lighter almost.
The burning stopped. I could see. I was myself. She was gone. My own body was back, but something was wrong. I turned around. She was there. "Well Pinkie, you got your body back. I'm guessing you didn't expect I would get my own too."
"Wait, how are there two of you?" Twilight rubbed her eyes in disbelief. "Was it something Discord did? Another accident with the mirror pool? Was it..."
"Can it princess," Mena shouted. "I was always here. Hiding in your precious Pinkie Pie. She created me when she was young..."
"No! Please! Stop!" She held me back.
"This was all a game to her. Until someone she loved..."
"NO!"
"Was killed..."
At this point there where tears streaming down my face, forming a puddle on the ground. This isn't right. I have to stop her. She can't do this anymore. She needs to be stopped. Before thinking I smacked her in the face. Blood pored down from her mouth.
"Oh, so you wanna play dirty, huh? I'll give ya dirty!" She tackled me and repeatedly punched me in the face. Gain control. I bit her arm and held her down. I tasted blood that was not mine. Gain control. I bucked her in the shoulder. There was a loud snap. A pool of blood surrounded us.
"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE I LOVE AGAIN! NOT IF I CAN STOP IT!" I looked her in the eye. The fear in those bright, green eyes. I saw myself in those eyes. A scared pony, I had hurt, I had done the same she had done to me, all those years ago. All the tears I cried, she cried. I was her, she was me, and this was proof. I then, stared at my hooves, my bloody, crimson hooves. Tears dripped from my eyes, mixing with the blood.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"You should be." Mena's voice was raspy. She tried to sound strong, fearless, but it was obvious that her energy was drained and she was in a lot of pain. She tried to stand, but fell on her side. Limping, Mena walked towards the crowd, she gritted her teeth in frustration. "Go ahead," she said through her teeth. "Hit me." She never took her eyes off me. It almost...scared me. Those beautiful green eyes. Black and green. "Hit me. hurt me, kill me if you want, just do it now." I didn't move. I couldn't. There was no way I could now. "That's what I thought." She turned to face the crowd. "You think Pinkie Pie is so special do you. She's such a good pony, huh. Well I have news for you. This pony can't even defend her town against a murderer who is willing to give herself up. Willing to be killed. What do you think of her now?"
Suddenly, a magenta beam of light shot towards us, piercing Mena, making her fall to the ground in agony. "Listen...whoever you are, stop hurting Pinkie, we know you are the bad guy here so..."
"What makes you so sure?" Mena crawled on the ground, trying her best to fight against the magic pinning her down.
"She's our friend, she tries her best to make everypony happy all the time, who would go through that only to hurt those ponies in the end."
"Why exactly does she try to make every pony happy? Do you know?"
This really confused Twilight. She was thinking about it for a long time. She may not know, but I did. I knew Mena was going to announce it to all of Ponyville in a few minutes. I didn't know if it was to scare the crowd, me, or stall for time, but she was trying to do something.
Mena curled her lips into a smile. "Well then, I see, I guess we'll have to have a little story time then? You're in for a treat!" Twilight had given up holding her down because whatever she tried, Mena would always fight against it. She had an unusual amount of strength. Everypony was silent. They were obviously scared, but didn't run. They just stood silently, watching what was going on. No pony knew what was going on, but they watched anyway, as confused as they may be.
"When Pinkie was a filly," she began, "she wanted to get her cutie mark so very badly. Even though she knew working on the rock farm was not her destiny, she stayed on it for one reason only. To spend time with her only brother." She paused for dramatic effect. I heard the crowd gasp. No pony knew I had a brother. Mena continued. "His name was Geode. Strong stallion, very caring, especially for his family. well, one day little pinkie Pie was playing where she wasn't supposed to. Geode came to rescue her, and got caught in a sink hole, fell, and, well, let's just say they couldn't save him because he fell neck first."
Another pause. I could tell she was waiting for someone in the crowd to ask a question or walk away, but nothing happened. Silence. She continued. "That's when I came into existence. Pinkie created me using witchcraft her Grandmother told her about before she died. I was only in her mind, until she decided to trust me with her life. Soon after that she left the rock farm and traveled all over Equestria. She was not happy though, she was very depressed. That's when her problem started. Pinkie, at this time, was old enough to drink, and so, it helped her get her mind off Geode. It helped her so much, she didn't want to give it up. Not ever, even when she had gotten over her brothers death. She was afraid that her sadness would come back. I was the one who kept her out of trouble. You will never meet a pony who likes to walk into dark allies at three in the morning more then Pinkie. Well, one day she woke up in a club, and everypony was dead. Self defense of course, but she blamed me for doing it on purpose, when really all I was doing was protecting her. That's when she realized how much I had been protecting her and used some more witchcraft to trap me in her mind forever, until she let me out that is."
She looked over the crowd, making sure to stare into each pair of eyes. "But of course, she had her own set of murders too. She did it out of rage and anger. Once there was this bar tender, and she was angry because she was too drunk to stay in the bar anymore so he kicked her out. Pinkie then decided to beat the stallion to death. Then she ran. There were quite a few of these."
I stared at myself through the reflection of blood. Wide eyed and guilty. Crying so much she ran out of tears. I couldn't believe this was me. I couldn't admit it myself, until she said what was true. Maybe it was for the best.
Twilight stared at me. Her eyes were wide. She glanced at Mena, then me again. "Is it true," she asked, voice cracking. "Is it all true." I didn't answer, how could I? My whole, evil past was just reviled to everypony I could call my friend. Twilight's horn glowed and a spark of light hit the ground next to me, throwing a mixture of blood and dirt in the air. "TELL ME!" Her eyes were angry. All of their eyes were angry. "My uncle was a bar tender who died outside the bar he was working at. I want to know if you killed him." The tears were back, they ran down my check and dripped on my hooves. I had to tell her the truth, but Mena beat me to it.
"Oh it's all completely true, I swear on Celestia."
"That can be arranged."
Everypony turned around to stare at who had spoke. A white alicorn immerged from the crowd. We all bowed, except Mena, who was either not because of her injury or because she was being smart. She smirked. "Hello princess. What brings you here."
"I heard everything you said."
I'm so happy to hear that. Did you like it? These ponies did."
"Twilight, Spike wrote to me and told me there was a commotion going on here and that I should check it out." Twilight turned to face her. "Now I see it's an even bigger deal than I thought." She then stared at me. "I never thought somepony like you would be the shadow mare. I'm surprised. The legend is true then, huh? We abandon the search years ago because we thought she had died, now we know that's not true."
She looked at both of us. "Well, we'll see if you're guilty or innocent at court, if proven guilty the punishment is..." She looked around before staring me right in the eye. "DEATH!" Celestia said in the eeriest voice possible while waving her hooves around.
"Death?" I gulped.
Celestia smiled. "I'm just messing with you. There is no way I'm going to kill an element of harmony." Two guards came out behind her. "But we will have to keep you in jail for about...well...let's just say the rest of your life. I'll also have to take all your life savings and use it to buy ca...I mean...um...good stuff for all the citizens of Equestria."
Her guards nodded in agreement. When they thought no one was looking at them one whispered to the other, "I want chocolate." The other nodded.
Mena stepped forward. "Well princess, I would just love to do that, but you see, about that..." She bolted, pushing me in the process. "RUN!" She was pretty fast for someone who's shoulder was smashed to pieces, she definitely never slowed down. "Pinkie, I can't run any longer, grab the carriage over there and fasten yourself on. Don't stop running." I ran over by the old, wooden carriage which looked like it was used to transport something that resembled a baseball bat. I wrapped the long. leather strap around my belly and waited until Mena was hoisted up in the seat. I didn't stop running.
A mob began to form, chasing us down, with Celestia and there leader. They screamed with anticipation, almost waiting for the moment when we might slow down and get sucked into the oblivion for the point of no return. I glanced up, Mena was smiling. "You know what this carriage transports?" I shook my head. "Torches."
So now I was running from the mob, and Mena was making it as difficult as possible for them to get to us. By that I mean she was setting stuff on fire. Lots of stuff. Somehow she was starting a fire and throwing torches in every direction except straight ahead.
Everything was going smoothly until there was an explosion of yellow light that shoot directly towards us. The carriage exploded in a wild blast of mud and splinters. There was silence.
I woke up in Sugar Cube Corner. It was dark, but I knew my way around from living here for years. I made my way downstairs. My head felt as if somepony had punched me unconscious. I ignoring the pain, I trotted out the door and on the porch. Mena was sleeping on her back, her stomach gently rising and falling. I walked over by the road, but some sort of magical barrier seemed to be blocking anypony from coming in, or out. I sat down next to her, right as she was waking up. Her beautiful black and green eyes fluttered open. She felt her forehead as well and stood up. Her front hoof was in sling and the blood was wiped off her body.
"Where...where am I?" She felt her forehead again, this time taking the time to rub it. "What happened?"
"I don't know," I replied. "I just woke up."
"Did she take us here."
"Maybe."
She looked directly into my eyes. "I'm going to die." Tears started streaming down her face. "I was the one who killed everypony, not you, me. I lied to you so you could be forever haunted by guilt, and you were, but you shouldn't be, because it was all my fault."
She looked away, clearly guilty. "I only saved you so I wouldn't die myself, since you're kind of part of me I just figured..." She trailed off. This was bad. She really felt guilty, for real. I started rubbing her back, that was all she needed to know I had forgave her. She sighed. "Pinkie...if we get out of this mess...alive...can I go on adventures with you?" I cocked my head. "Well...I've been in you're mind so I know everything you know. You've gone on so many great adventures with you're friends...and...well...I'd like to go on one with you...that is if we're friends..."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!" I jumped in the air, nearly crushing Mena in the process. "OF COURSE WE'RE FRIENDS, SILLY!!!" She smiled, and then, gave me a hug.
"Thanks Pinkie."
It was a very emotionally exhausting week. Me and Mena had to go to court because we were guilty of committing some crime. Twilight told me that she was lying about me killing her uncle. She was just testing me. She also volunteered to be my lawyer, I guess you can do that when you're a princess. That's when she told me I could use this thing she created to record my words on the laptop. It was really cool! Mena was really upset because she kept thinking that she would die. There was no way that would happen though. So now I am about to walk into court and read this to everypony there. I'm a little bit nervous, but everything is going to be okie dokie artichokie in the end. Me and Mena will most definitely go on adventures together and I can teach her to be a good pony so she won't get into trouble anymore. Everything is going to be a-okay.
Pinkie Pie sat in court, waiting for the judge to respond to her very, long speech. She looked cheerful, even though all odds were stacked up against her. She was bouncing joyfully and making everypony see that in no way was she scared or unsure about her decisions. Finally, the judge spoke. "Ms. Pie, you do realize you can't use a fanfiction as evidence in court.
"You can't?" The earth pony stopped bouncing and stared the judge in the eye.
"Guilty," the judge responded flatly. "And for the other one, I think she would be at her best in the mental hospital."
"WHAT," the pink pony screamed and she was dragged away and forcefully stuffed into a straightjacket. "SHE'S THE CRAZY ONE, NOT ME!"
Celestia had nearly jumped with glee when she heard both of their fates. "That'll tell you not to mess with me, peasant!" She the decided to dance out of the courtroom as slow as possible, just to mock the guilty pony with a life sentence. A member of the royal guard quietly approached her and fastened a pair of hoofcuffs around her forearm and pulled her towards a rusty, metal carriage with metal bars attached to resemble a moving jail cell. Pinkie Pie took her seat before the guard locked the door and started trotting away from the courthouse.
"I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!" And just like that she was gone.
