Fast Times at Stinky Sugar

Chapters

Drop and Give Me Twenty
Sunset Shimmer Almost Goes to a Convention
It's in the Cards
It Is Just a Bread
Mi Casa Es Su Casa [Romance]
Overkill
Power Pony Up!
Power Pony Up! 2: Pony Harder
The Best Joke I Will Ever Write
Take It Up to the Top
I've Been Where You Are [Romance]
Holy Horseshit, Batmare!
CnH2nSn
Bonus Chapter: And on That Note...
Bonus Chapter: Sour Cream [Crossover]
Bonus Chapter: Friendship Is Meatcraft
What's Within?

Drop and Give Me Twenty

Drop and Give Me Twenty
by Present Perfect

The gym echoed with the sound of Sunset Shimmer's leather biker boots as she paced back and forth in front of her gathered friends. They were dressed in light t-shirts and short shorts, gazing at her with varied expressions. Determination was writ large on Rainbow's face. Rarity was internally cursing the horrible workout clothing she had been forced to wear. Fluttershy was having flashbacks to elementary school P.E. class breakdowns. Applejack was punctual. And Pinkie, it seemed, had passed out near the bleachers, though this hadn't been enough to absolve her from wearing the gym uniform.

"All right, ladies," Sunset barked, brandishing a clipboard like a sword, "listen up! If we're gonna beat those namby-pamby Crystal Preppers, we gotta be tough!"

After a moment of silence, her eye twitched, and she spun on her heel to glower at them.

"I saaaaaid, we gotta be tough!"

"Tough!" shouted Rainbow Dash.

"That's better." Sunset grinned. "We gotta be smart!"

"Smert!" Applejack said, waking up from her dazed stupor. Even standing, she tended to pass out any time Sunset used words with more than one syllable.

"We gotta be fast!"

"Why, I never!" said Rarity, disdainfully looking away. "On the first date, a lady must--"

"And we gotta be fierce!" Sunset bellowed into Fluttershy's face. Fluttershy wilted and decided to join Pinkie in Lie-on-the-Floor Land. It was a peaceful land, populated by a tribe of nomadic gatherers.

Sunset snorted, tapped her clipboard against her arm, and continue pacing.

"So, team, how are we gonna be all those things what I just said?"

"Awesome!" Rainbow Dash cried, leaping into the air, fist raised.

Sunset face-palmed. "That is not an acceptable answer to any question, Dash."

A meeting of elders was called in Lie-on-the-Floor Land to decide what to do about the sudden influx of giant women.

"We just gotta believe!" said Applejack. "Believe in ourselves, and believe in the us what believes in ourselves, and the--"

She shut up when Rarity's hand lodged in her mouth somehow.

"Good try, AJ," Sunset said, as one might to a small, not entirely intelligent puppy trying to play fetch without a stick. "But the real answer I was looking for was training. We are gonna work hard for the money! We won't hide anymore, we'll dance for our lives! We are gonna push and push till we hit the wall, then we'll break that wall down and keep on pushing into the danger zone! Are you with me, team?"

"Awesome!" Rainbow shouted again.

After a brief but brutal civil war, the Lie-on-the-Floor-ian rebels overthrew their oppressive rulers and appointed Fluttershy goddess-queen.

"All of you, drop and give me twenty!" Sunset ordered. "Then five laps around the gym." She blew the whistle hanging around her neck. "Go, go, go!"

"Uhh..." Applejack stood stiffly with her hand in the air.

Sunset sighed. "What is it, AJ?"

"Forgive me if'n Ah seem a mite ignorant, Coach Shimmer, but... twenty what, exactly?"

"Ooh, ooh!" Rainbow waved her hand, holding her arm aloft with her other hand. When Sunset rolled her eyes and pointed to her, she asked, far more excited than anyone should be, "Push-ups?"

"Sit-ups?" added Applejack, looking uncertain.

"Ugh," Rarity said with a shudder, "I hope it isn't chin-ups."

A slow smile spread across Sunset's face.

"Nope. Twenty pony-ups!"

Everyone groaned.

In Lie-on-the-Floor Land, the accidental heresy caused by stepping on a ladybug earned its inhabitants a divinely wrathful punishment. The fields were reduced to ashes as the tribespeople sent desperate pleas to a merciless goddess. None survived.

"But what about Fluttershy?" AJ complained.

"Yes," added Rarity, "and Pinkie Pie. She's..."

Pinkie's hand rose into the air to point at the ceiling. "Puh-resent!" She didn't move otherwise.

"Pinkie and I talked earlier," Sunset said. "She didn't know what twenty I wanted either, so she gave me twenty bucks. I decided I was willing to be bribed." Grinning, she polished her nails on the sleeve of her coat.

"Never ignore the combined promise of willful misunderstanding and economic influence!" Pinkie declared, still unmoving.

"Aw, c'mon!" Applejack pulled her hat, which had been a non-negotiable part of her workout uniform, down over her ears. "Ah ain't made o' money!"

"But I am!" Pinkie sat up suddenly, startling Fluttershy out of her coma and potentially saving her life. "I mean, I'm technically made of meat and bones and skin and stuff, but my parents are loaded! How else do you think I get all those cupcakes and party cannons?" She produced two cupcakes from her hair and ate them, wrapper and all.

"Any pertinent questions?" Sunset asked, raising her hands in supplication.

"Just one," Rarity said primly, "since bribery is an option." She tossed her hair and lidded her eyes. "How much?"

Sunset grinned seductively and strode towards Rarity, hips swaying. "It's usually thirty for fifteen minutes." She lifted Rarity's chin with a finger, gazing into her eyes. "But after that little stunt you pulled in the hallway? 'What we needed to defeat them was you'?" She shook her head and chuckled. "First night's free, baby."

She wrapped her arms around Rarity, kissing her deeply. The other girl giggled and pulled her down to the gym floor. Applejack and Rainbow Dash watched, mouths agape, as Sunset and Rarity sullied Lie-on-the-Floor Land with their filth.

"But it ain't nighttime yet," Applejack said, scratching her head.

"Why can't we ever do that?" Rainbow grumbled, crossing her arms.

"Yay, Wondercolts!" Fluttershy cheered tinily.

Pinkie ate another cupcake.

Principal Celestia, passing by outside, glanced into the gym momentarily, shook her head, took a long swig from her hip flask and kept walking.

Author's Note

Yeah, so I think the phrase "pony up" is kind of dumb. :B

Sunset Shimmer Almost Goes to a Convention

Sunset Shimmer Almost Goes to a Convention
by Present Perfect

"What kind of gathering is this again?"

Despite the cheerful students boarding the bus, Sunset couldn't help feeling confused. After all, this trip wasn't school sanctioned -- there were no chaperones, and no one was calling it a 'field trip' -- yet they had commissioned school buses, and it seemed every student from Canterlot High was coming. Everyone wore their Wondercolts accoutrements. Whatever was happening seemed to engender a sizable amount of school spirit, but something about the situation felt wrong. She adjusted the strap of her backpack and looked to Rainbow Dash, who opened her mouth only for Fluttershy to cut in.

"It's a convention! There will be panels, and videos, and sing-alongs, and we can talk about our favorite animals and dress up, and--"

Rainbow placed her hand over Fluttershy's mouth. "Don't sweat it, Sunny. You'll have a blast with the rest of us. Promise!"

Pinkie bounced over, her hair positively bristling with yellow-and-blue horse-ear headbands.

"Yeah, Sunset! You'll have a super-duper time for sure! Assuming no one comes along to try and ruin everything, that is!"

Pinkie's gift for prognostication chose that moment to rear its ugly head. A luxury convertible, painted in clashing stripes, screeched past the row of buses. In it were five of the girls they knew as the Shadowbolts. The one with blue hair and goggles threw something out of the car; it wasn't obvious what it was until a splash soaked Rarity to the bone, and she ran off screaming into the school.

"Yiff in Tartarus, Canterfags!" shouted the girl in the car.

The one in the driver's seat adjusted her glasses. "Your questionable lifestyle choices are making you a laughing stock, and your whole school getting in on it only magnifies the tragedy."

"Gun it, Sugarcoat!" yelled a third girl, and the convertible peeled away in a cloud of smoke.

"Did--" Sunset coughed violently. "Did she just call us 'Canterfags'?"

Applejack rolled her eyes. "C'mon, y'all, best be up front with 'er."

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy chuckled nervously, rubbing their necks.

Sunset frowned and crossed her arms. "All right, just what is going on around here? What's this 'convention' we're supposed to be going to?"

"Big City Furcon," Rainbow mumbled.

Sunset waved her hand. "Which iiiis?"

"Ooh, ooh, I know!" Pinkie bounced up and down, hand in the air. "It's a place you go to get in touch with your inner animal!"

"Yeah!" Rainbow, suddenly animated, grabbed Sunset by the shoulders. "Like, my fursona's a half-wolf, half-jaguar cyborg with neon rainbow wings! She can run super-fast and shoot exploding lasers from her eyes! Her name's Accelondra Awesomesauce, but her friends call her Double-A!" She elbowed Sunset in the side. "Though she's more a double-D, if you get my drift."

"I don't think I do," Sunset mumbled, rubbing her side.

"My fursona is a bunny," Fluttershy said, smiling softly and tapping her fingertips together. "Well, a bunnytaur. With four arms. And four, um... boobies." The last word came out in a whisper, her face reddening.

"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Rainbow held up both hands. "Ex-ex-Love-ex-Goddess-ex-Amira-ex-ex?"

Fluttershy nodded, chewing on her lip.

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow embraced Fluttershy, laying her head on her shoulder and weeping gently. "All those long nights on YiffMUCK! The deep, meaningful conversations on FurIsSexy-dot-com! That was you?"

Fluttershy cringed, unable to escape Rainbow's death-grip. "I'm sorry, but I don't arr-pee eye-arr-ell."

"Am I the only one who's completely not following this?" Sunset asked no one in particular.

Applejack rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. Pinkie began bouncing and waving her hand again.

"Ooh, ooh! Mine's a cow! She has udders everywhere, and she can squirt chocolate milk out of--"

"That's enough o' that," Applejack said, clamping her hand over the other girl's mouth. "Leave your weirdo fetishes at home, thanks."

"Speaking of!" Rainbow pounced on Applejack, massaging her shoulder with one hand and leering at her. "This kinky vixen has one of the best 'sonas ever! Tell 'er, AJ!"

Applejack slumped, groaned, and slapped her forehead. "Fine. She's an eight-foot-tall, super-muscular horse."

"Aaaand?" Rainbow grinned sidelong at Applejack.

"She's a... herm." Before Rainbow could get another word out, she hastily added, "On account of an evil sorceress put a spell on her!"

Rainbow snickered. "And her name's Big Macarena!"

Rainbow doubled over with laughter, and Applejack pulled her hat down over her eyes. "I like horses, and I ain't too creative, all right?"

Rainbow elbowed her. "Yeah, but she knows how to give as good as she takes, too, if you get my drift."

"I really don't," Sunset said through her palm.

"It's all very simple, darling," said a newly dried-and-changed Rarity, walking out of the school while putting the finishing touches on her hairdo. "The convention is a place to go to mingle with others who feel a strong connection to animals. Those who feel they are animals in human bodies, as it were."

"You know those ears we wear at pep rallies?" Dash grinned, getting in Sunset's face. "They help us get in touch with our inner animal! Once the whole school started wearing them, they all got into the fandom! That's why everyone's going!"

Sunset sighed. "I suppose I should ask what your inner animal is, Rarity."

"Oh, you mean Opalescence?" Rarity's face lit up, and she placed a hand to her chest. "Thank you for asking, dear! She's a four-armed, six-breasted belly-dancing cat-droid who owns and operates the galaxy's most lucrative silk-trading business!"

"I yiffed her!" Pinkie shouted.

Sunset's face was starting to develop a hand-shaped bruise. "You girls realize you're talking to someone who's literally a pony in a human body, right?"

"Oh, we do!" Fluttershy rushed over and embraced her lightly. "That's why we know you'll have a great time. We've even talked to the con chair, and she's going to give you a chance to talk to everyone about your time as a pony."

With a sinking sense of dread, Sunset looked to her friends. Gone were the earlier signs of embarrassment or hesitance. Five pairs of eyes looked up at her with the purest of hope. She cringed.

"Tell me again why you didn't give me a straight answer when I asked the first time?"

"Uh." Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, see, the fandom's kind of got one of those, whadda you call 'em? Astigmatisms?"

"You mean it's stigmatized," Sunset said with a flat look.

"Oh yes," Fluttershy said, nodding softly. "Outsiders tend to think we don't care about anything but sex."

Sunset frowned. "I wonder why that might be..."

A voice from behind them shouted, "Sex? Who's having sex? The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to be invited to your furpile!"

They looked up to see a livid blue face glowering at them from one of the half-open bus windows.

"Come back to bed, snugglebear," said a sleepy posh voice from inside the bus, and a grey arm wrapped around Trixie's chest, pulling her back inside. Lurid giggling and jazz music wafted out the window until a bare grey foot slid it shut.

Sunset hefted her backpack over her shoulder. "Yeah, I'm outie. Text me when you get back." Grumbling, she headed back to the school, leaving five looks of confusion in her wake.

Author's Note

I've been in the fandom for over fifteen years, I get to make these jokes. :V This came about from wondering at why stupid ear headbands get everyone at CHS so excited. Also, did you notice how much Trixie and Octavia were hanging out in the background? These kids, I swear. It's too bad I put it second in the collection, because it's probably my favorite. IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE 8V

It's in the Cards

It's in the Cards
by Present Perfect

"Just what exactly was that supposed to be?"

Sunset stood on the auditorium stage, arms akimbo, waving at the pile of cards laying between herself and Rainbow Dash. The cards had been scrambled after the assembly, but when pieced together, would display an image of the CHS logo, the Sirens...

Or a certain raging she-demon.

"Cool idea, huh?" Rainbow Dash gave her best obnoxiously self-satisfied grin. "I whipped these babies up with Photo Finish's help, and they came out super-awesome!"

"No, Dash!" Sunset clenched her fists. "Why did you feel the need to remind the whole school of the absolute worst moment of my life? In front of me, no less!"

Dash seemed to have a ready response, but it died on her lips, her upraised finger wilting. "Uh, well, it would kind of be bad if we did it behind your back?"

"Why do it at all?"

"Because we've forgiven you!" Dash held out her arms. "We're totally over this and we can joke about it now!"

"Uh, no!" Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers, struggling to breathe calmly. "You girls don't get to decide that. Seeing that image of my... the demon, in the middle of a pep rally? That brought up a whole host of emotions that I haven't quite worked through, thank you."

"Oh." Dash hid her hands behind her back.

"Plus, I would really appreciate if you girls stopped reminding me of it every day of my life. I can't deny it did happen, but I still haven't come to terms with everything. I just need time before I'm able to make jokes and..." Sunset sighed. A hand rested on her shoulder and squeezed.

"Gee, Sunset, I had no idea this still bothered you so much."

"It's not your fault." Sunset sighed again and gave her a light hug. "I should probably be more open with my feelings, especially with my friends. And I should definitely talk to Applejack." She grunted and glared at nothing in particular. "She's the worst offender."

"Should probably talk to Rarity, too," Dash said hesitantly.

Sunset looked at her for a long moment before asking, "Why?"

"Cuuuz she's kind of started a whole line of items."

Sunset's right eye twitched. "What do you mean 'items'?"

Dash kicked at the ground, avoiding eye contact. "Like, y'know... mugs, hats, t-shirts, keychains, socks... The usual?" She shrugged.

The vein in Sunset's forehead pulsed. "All with the demon picture on them?"

"Oh, not all of them!" Dash shook her head, smiling. "Some of them are your naked baby pictures!"

Sunset's face turned as red as her hair. "What?"

"Yeah! Your mom came through the portal like, two, three months ago? She brought all kinds of great stuff with her!"

Sunset sat down hard. "Wha... How... Mommy?"

Dash pressed on, oblivious. "I mean, it's not as embarrassing for you, I guess, cuz ponies are always naked. But you were such a cute little foal, how could we not?"

The temperature in the room rose considerably as Sunset's hair caught fire. Her eyes blazed like twin suns. Pointed ears poked out from the top of her head, her teeth sharpened into fangs, and batlike wings emerged from her shoulders. A forked tongue lashed out of her mouth as she bellowed loud enough to shake the windows.

"RARITYYYYYY!"

Sunset exited stage right in a blaze of hellfire. Rainbow Dash crossed her arms, clucked her tongue and shook her head.

"See, this is exactly why we keep bringing it up."

Author's Note

It really bothers me that Rainbow Dash did that to Sunset during the pep rally. And her friends are constantly bringing up the demon thing, in Rainbow Rocks too. It's like they don't actually forgive her or something. :B

It Is Just a Bread

It Is Just a Bread
by Present Perfect

"All right, Flash," Bon-Bon said, dusting off her oven mitts, "you just stand aside and let me handle this. Home ec is my playing field." Glowering, she added under her breath, "And I am not gonna let Pinkie Pie beat me, if it's the last thing I do!"

"What?" Flash Sentry stood up from the counter, his head in a colander. "What'd I do?"

Bon-Bon placed her hand on his chest -- his firm, manly chest -- and gently pushed him away. "Lyra knows enough to stay out of my way in the kitchen. You don't, and you're not good at anything. So just leave. This. To me."

"I'm good at being infatuated with magical pony princess girls," he muttered. Knowing better than to contradict her more forcefully, he simply watched her work on their entry into the Friendship Games academic decathlon home economics contest.

That would make it the Acahomadeca...

His vision started to swim and he tried very hard to think of something else. Only one thought occurred to him.

"Hey, uh, Bon-Bon?"

"What is it, Flash?"

"Did you hear the principals say what we're supposed to be doing?"

Bon-Bon couldn't have rolled her eyes any harder if they had been motocross bike wheels.

"Duh! We're supposed to be baking. This is exactly why I'm not letting you help me, Flash!"

"Oh."

Choosing the better part of valor, he stepped back to hang out near the sink.

The thought occurred that Lyra and Bon-Bon had been hanging around him an awful lot since the Battle of the Bands. Derpy, too. He hadn't asked why because he figured the answer would make no sense. He just didn't understand girls. It was the same with how Twilight had acted like she didn't know him in the hallway the other day. That hairdo, those glasses: it was like she was a whole other person!

And that Bon-Bon. She was always touching his firm, manly chest. Sometimes when she did, Lyra would get a funny look on her face, like she'd eaten something that disagreed with her, and she wouldn't speak to him for three days. Acting-weird Twilight had touched his firm, manly chest earlier in the hall; why did no one care about that? Why was Octavia spending so much time with Trixie? Why was it called a 'laundromat'? What was in that flask the principal kept on her belt? Where did babies come from?

Girls were strange.

"All set!" Bon-Bon called.

Flash shook his head, blinking. Had he really been out that long? Not that it mattered; their entry was done! A warm, steamy loaf of bread, fresh from the oven! Just looking at it made his mouth water. The thick scent of butter and sprinkles wasn't making it any easier to maintain his self-control.

"Flash!"

There was a sudden pain on the back of his hand. The bread was very far away from him now.

"We need this to win, you doofus! Hands off!"

"S-sorry," he mumbled, rubbing his hand.

As he eyed the bread warily from a distance, he began to get the sinking suspicion that something was wrong. The other student pairs all seemed to be making the same thing. It was brown, with pink icing spread over multiple layers. Yes, they were definitely all making cakes.

Hah, well, he thought, obviously we're gonna score some points for originality!

Bon-Bon had also noticed this fact but didn't seem as excited. She was chewing on her nails, which set Flash's teeth on edge, so he tried to concentrate on what acting-weird Twilight was doing. She caught his eye for a moment, frowned, and went back to her cake.

"What're we gonna do?" Bon-Bon wailed, clutching at the sleeve of Flash's jacket.

"Uh, pretty sure we're gonna win! Or at least take second." He gave her a grin and a thumbs-up.

Bon-Bon fainted.

"And this is... what, exactly?"

Bon-Bon trembled under the collective gazes of Principal Celestia, Vice-Principal Luna and Dean Cadence. Beneath their cold and calculating stares, the loaf of bread seemed like a thing unworthy of consideration. But something sparked in Flash's mind. Finally, he understood his purpose in this competition. Clearing his throat and putting on his most confident popularest-boy-in-school smile, he proclaimed:

"Raw toast!"

Someone to his left sprang a leak.

The three principesses regarded each other with the same look Flash's mother tended to give him whenever he reminded her that Dad would be home any day now, when they least expected it.

"You do realize this was a cake-baking competition, right?" asked Vice-Principal Luna.

"Nope!" Flash beamed. "Isn't our entry great? Why, I'd say it's the acahomadectest!" He grinned and swung his arm gamely to the side.

Celestia, Luna and Cadence scribbled something on their clipboards. "Moving on," said Celestia.

Flash shot Bon-Bon his winningest grin. She seemed strangely unreceptive. In fact, she was doing her best impression of a volcano right now. In Flash's opinion, had this been a volcano lookalike contest, Bon-Bon would have probably won it.

"You are not getting any tonight, mister," she hissed under her breath.

Flash wasn't sure what it was he wouldn't be getting, but didn't have a chance to question her before she stomped off toward Lyra.

"Girls are so weird," he said to no one in particular. He shrugged. "Oh well. Another life-changing problem solved by the Flash!"

On second thought, he hoped she hadn't meant he wasn't getting any raw toast. After all, it looked acahomadelectable.

Author's Note

Why were Lyra and Bon-Bon hanging around Flash so much? It makes a body wonder.

The title of this piece is a reference to the Penny Arcade Remix Project. It seems the images linked to by that page aren't around anymore, though, so I took the liberty of uploading the relevant one myself, for your entertainment pleasure. :V

Mi Casa Es Su Casa [Romance]

Mi Casa Es Su Casa
by Present Perfect

Shop class. Why did it have to be shop class?

Micro Chips didn't know jack about shop. Sandalwood didn't know jack about anything. And yet there they were, having passed the chemistry contest with flying colors (thanks to Chip) and squeezing by the baking portion (the Principal either not noticing or not caring about the 'special ingredient' Sandal had added), trying to build a stupid birdhouse.

In hindsight, Chip shouldn't have let Sandal take the lead on this project. It more or less was his turn, but still. Had Chip led, he would have had his ruler and protractor out, measuring the proper angles, getting the proportions just right, rather than -- and this was a quote -- "sit back and let nature take its course."

Of course, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because both of them sucked at using the shop tools.

In the end, Micro Chips could only watch as the poor, pathetic thing they pretended was a birdhouse gave its final gasp beneath Dean Cadence's scrutiny and collapsed into a pile of nails and wood. He didn't recall the wood being rotten when they started.

"It's okay, brah," Sandal said, putting his hand on Chip's shoulder. "Just wasn't in the cards."

Chip sighed. "No, I guess it wasn't. Still feel like I've got the virus baddie bum-bums, though."

"Hey." Sandal squeezed his shoulder, and Chip looked up at him. "I know what'll cheer you right up, man."

Chip's eyes brightened. "Rough sex?"

Sandal nodded. "Rough sex."

After all, it was Chip's turn to lead.

Author's Note

Seriously, those two are totally an item. :V Probably since after they helped Flash make that banner. Credit to KitsuneRisu for "virus baddie bum-bums".

Overkill

Overkill
by Present Perfect

"Are you sure this is a good idea, sister?"

Vice-Principal Luna rubbed her arms as she surveyed the area behind CHS. It couldn't really be called a 'sports field' anymore; 'horrendous, misshapen dirt pile' summed it up better.

Celestia didn't look at her, nor did her tone suggest anything was out of the ordinary. "Whatever do you mean, Luna?"

"I just mean... this." Luna waved her hand at the horrendous dirt pile. "Roller skating is a perfectly agreeable activity, and I suppose the archery is clever enough. But motocross?"

Celestia hiccuped. "What's wrong with motocross?"

"These are children, sister!" Luna placed her hands on her hips. "Most of them aren't old enough to drive a car! How do you expect them to deal with motorcycles?"

"Rainbow Dash can. She'll love it."

"The Friendship Games are a serious--ack!"

Something in Celestia's hand flashed in the sunlight, and Luna had to shield her eyes. When she looked again, her sister was tilting her head back, the shiny something was obscured in front of her.

"I chose archery," Celestia continued, "because Crystal Prep features it as a core class. Roller derby is, as you said, perfectly agreeable. We needed a third event to round things out a little. Just something to make everyone happy, don't you think?"

She turned at last, regarding Luna with a smile that was far too wide.

"Oh, Celestia." Luna sighed, closed her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You've been hitting the bottle again, haven't you?"

"Does this look like a bottle to you?" Celestia waved her shiny metal hip flask under Luna's nose.

"All I ever wanted," Celestia said to no one in particular, "was to teach. To impart wisdom upon all the little childrens and bring them into the circle of enlightened adulthood. So what do they tell me?" She swung around in a circle, her arms waving wildly. "'Heeeey, Celly! You're the only one who's not trying to screw her way to the top! You're the one bitch here who knows what the hell she's doing!'"

"Sister, please." Luna didn't put any effort into the admonishment, knowing it would be ignored.

"Sure, I said, I'll take the principal position. It'll be fun! Instead of a classroom of students, now I get a whole school!" Celestia sighed wistfully, a smile crossing her face. She erased it with a long pull from the flask.

"A whole school, that's right. A whole school of magic bullshit from another dimension!"

She flung the flask out into the field. It impacted one of the archery targets. A light on the roller derby track turned green and beeped.

"Am I the only one," Celestia asked, turning to glare at Luna, "who is just completely fed up with this crap?"

"I'll admit, it's rather stressful to--"

"Yes! Stressful! That's the word!" Celestia giggled. "And now I have to deal with--" she deepened her voice and affected a thick accent, drawing her hand across her face with a flourish-- "Count Crone-ula and her legion of sycophantic android children." She scoffed. "So I don't care anymore. I'll make the students race motorcycles if I want! And no, before you ask, I am not jealous that Twilight Sparkle is suddenly her prize pupil. Twilight Sparkle was never 'prized' as students go, if I'm being honest!"

She thrust her hip to the side, putting one foot up on the nearby railing.

"She thinks she's so great, talking to me like I'm some yokel! Like I'm the warden at the madhouse!"

She hiked her bell-bottoms up, revealing long white cotton socks decorated with suns, and slapped her calf. "Well, I have better legs! My legs are the best! They're way longer than hers!" Celestia screamed out over the schoolyard, waving her fists in the air. "You hear that, Abacus Bitch? You've got short legs, you withered old bat! I hope you choke on your false teeth!"

Luna grabbed Celestia's arm and pulled her back. "Celestia, get a hold of yourself! Cinch will hear you, to say nothing of the entire school population!"

Celestia sniffed, wrenching her arm out of Luna's grasp and adjusting her coat. She stood for a long moment, just staring off over the school, until Luna decided it was time to say something. She was cut off before she even had the opportunity to open her mouth, however.

"Luna, I apologize," Celestia said, her tone perfectly sober.

Luna smiled. It fell as Celestia continued talking.

"Do I seem high to you?" She leaned in close to Luna, holding her left eyelid open. "Are my eyes red? Because I've suddenly got the munchies something fierce."

It took all of Luna's willpower not to deck her older sister. Again. Instead, she clenched her fists and moved to the doors.

"I thought I tasted something odd in one of those baking entries," she grumbled. "I'll get the pork rinds. Try not to fall off the balcony this time."

"You're the best, little sister!" Celestia called after her. "And get my hip flask back while you're at it?"

Luna released an incoherent scream as she stomped into the school.

Author's Note

I think "friendship on motorcycles" counts as my biggest hangup with Friendship Games. I just can't get over it. Or Celestia's legs. Serious Luna is serious. V:

Power Pony Up!

Power Pony Up!
by Present Perfect

"Is there anything you do know?" Sunset growled, shaking her finger in Twilight's face. "Like how to get our magic back? Or how to fix the portal to Equestria?"

"Equestri--"

"You're supposed to be so smart!" Sunset placed her hands on her hips, waggling her head accusingly. "Did you ever think maybe you shouldn't mess around with things you don't understand?"

Twilight's eyes filled with tears. "But I want to--"

"Uhh, Sunset?" Applejack raised a hand, but Sunset ignored her.

"But you don't understand!" Sunset shouted. Twilight quailed before her.

"Sunset," Rainbow added, "you might wanna--"

"You all understand!" Sunset whirled on her friends, who likewise shrank back. "I mean don't understand!"

Rarity gulped. "B-but, Sunset, if you would only look--"

"I AM SORT OF REALLY STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!"

As Twilight ran away screaming, Sunset felt a tingle run down her spine. She lifted into the air, eyes closing. Something shifted atop her head. Her hair elongated. A small horn sprouted from the middle of her forehead. She posed dramatically.

"Wow, Sunset!" Fluttershy said. "You ponied up!"

Sunset looked down at herself, a moue of confusion forming on her lips.

"Yes, but... why?"

Pinkie took a deep breath.

"Every time one of us ponied up, we were demonstrating a key element of our personality, namely elements that might, in another world, be considered virtues and be strong enough to fuel powerful magic, since they were strong enough all by themselves to cause magic to happen in our supposedly non-magical dimension, which means that just now, you were showing us your true self, Sunset Shimmer!"

Confusion was replaced by horror. Sunset stared at her hands. "My... true self?" She could swear her fingers were growing.

Rarity laid a hand gently on her shoulder. "I suppose there is a reason it's hard for us to forget the time you turned into a demon, darling."

Applejack chuckled. "Heh, I always knew that blazin' sun logo on your jacket had more meanin' to it than a crush on the principal." She gave Rainbow Dash a pointed glance.

Sighing, and with a dramatic roll of her eyes, Dash pressed a wad of bills into Applejack's open palm. Applejack stuffed it in her pants, grinning.

"Much obliged."

Author's Note

Sunset Shimmer is an angry pony. :B Also, if you liked this, consider reading And It Was Going So Well, Too, which uses the same fucking joke because I am a hack. D:

Power Pony Up! 2: Pony Harder

Power Pony Up! 2: Pony Harder
by Present Perfect

"This isn't the way!" Sunset Shimmer shouted, her eyes watering in the etheric winds emanating from Midnight Sparkle. "I've been where you are! I've made the same mistake you're making! I was overwhelmed by magic! I thought it could get me everything I wanted!"

"Oh, you're wrong," said Midnight Sparkle in her evil, sexy voice. "Unlike you, I can have everything I want!" She made a few more portals open, because she was evil like that.

Clenching her fists, Sunset stood her ground. "No you can't. Even with all that magic and power, you'll still be alone! True magic..."

Where was she going with this? She had seen true magic before. Not the magic that had come from an otherworldly magical artifact, nor the magic that came from riffing sweet licks on her guitar; not even the magic that pooted out of her adorable unicorn horn back in Equestria. She had been witness to a deeper, purer magic that had always existed in this world: the magic that had caused her friends to pony up. What had all those moments had in common?

Of course! It was all so clear now, so simple! Why hadn't she seen it before?

"True magic comes from archery!"

Applejack grinned and nodded, elbowing Sour Sweet in the side. "Learned how t' shoot defendin' mah property from timberwolves!"

"Awesomeness!" Sunset shouted.

"Aw yeah!" Rainbow cheered, jumping into the air. Unfortunately, she fell over the edge of the giant rift in time and space, thus proving that you only transformed when passing through the mirror. She left a colorful smear on Equestrian soil.

"Parties!"

"Did somehuman say parties?" Pinkie shouted, eyes wide. She ponied up and immediately started firing party cannons indiscriminately into the crowd, knocking students into the hole. The pegasi on the other side had wised up and prepared themselves for such an occasion, but tragically discovered too late that they couldn't carry the weight of a teenage human at terminal velocity. There were no survivors.

"Dresses!"

"Oh, I do love dresses," Rarity said, nonchalantly filing her manicure.

"Talking animals, I guess?"

Fluttershy ponied up. No one noticed.

"And the most important magic of all..."

Sunset felt a tingle run down her spine. She lifted into the air, eyes closing. Something shifted atop her head. Her hair elongated. An adorable horn sprouted from the middle of her forehead. She posed dramatically.

"Getting everything totally wrong!" shouted Flash Sentry from across the courtyard, hands cupped to his mouth.

Sunset's eyes got huge. She stopped midair, tipped over, and fell through the hole.

"Ohhhhh!" Flash shouted. "Get dunked on!"

And that's how Midnight Sparkle was able to plunge Equestria and Humania into a thousand-year war.

Author's Note

Seriously, how did she get "Elements of Harmony" out of all the junk her friends were doing? D:

Don't worry, there isn't a Power Pony Up! 3.

...Yet.

The Best Joke I Will Ever Write

The Best Joke I Will Ever Write
by Present Perfect

Unleash the magic! Unleash the magic! If we lose, then you're to blame!

The Shadowbolts' song echoed in Twilight's head as she agonized over what to do.

So far, her containment spectrometer had caused nothing but trouble. Every time it drained one of the Canterlot High students of their "magic", the aftereffects grew even stronger and more dangerous. First simple portals appeared. Then Spike began talking. Most recently, those horrible, man-eating plants had attacked everyone and nearly ruined the Tri-Cross. And now she had even more magic, thanks to that rainbow-haired girl.

Was it worth it? Could she possibly risk releasing that kind of power? What could be worse than a motocross course full of dangerous vines?

But her academic future was at stake. There was nothing, nothing at all she cared about more. Even the social pressure of expectations was a drop in the bucket of her fear over what might happen should she betray Principal Cinch.

In the end, her course was clear. She grasped the amulet firmly in both hands, held it aloft, turned her head away, and wrenched it open.

"Wunderbar!" shouted an excited voice in a thick accent.

The next thing Twilight knew, she was plunged into her own personal hell of lightning bolts shooting directly into her eyes. The Shadowbolts behind her screamed in pain and confusion.

"Oh, jes, jeees! You vere made for ze camera! Ze film, she luffs you!"

After what felt like an eternity, the flashing stopped. Twilight blinked, barely able to make out a blue face and large pink shades beyond the afterimages. The amulet lay in her hand, its power drained.

"I, Photo Finish, have captured... da magics!"

Twilight wiped her eyes. The blue-skinned girl, Photo Finish, stood before her in a dramatic pose. Behind her, the Shadowbolts and Principal Cinch growled and stalked toward Photo Finish with fire in their eyes.

"I go!"

And with that exclamation, Photo Finish, savior of the multiverse, fled, the Shadowbolts hot on her tail.

Author's Note

I couldn't believe this when it came to me. I credit my watching back through season one. But seriously, how has no one done this yet?

Take It Up to the Top

Take It Up to the Top
by Present Perfect

Sunset Shimmer could only watch in mute horror as the ball of luminous energy absorbed the girl she knew as Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were fixated on Twilight's as they filled with fearful tears. And then Twilight was gone. What emerged next, none could have anticipated.

It wasn't Twilight Sparkle. She wore sexy ripped fishnets and an awesome magic-light mask. She had feathered demon wings that she didn't even have to flap to stay in the air. Most of all, Sunset saw the horn: the long, jagged horn that looked like...

She gasped.

"Changeling!"

The dark Twilight cackled. "You're right! I didn't understand magic before, but I--wagh!"

Her evil speech was cut short as Sunset ran forward, vaulted into the air, grabbed her by the ankles and dragged her to earth.

"Code purple!" she shouted hysterically, punching evil Twilight in the face over and over.

"Ow!" Twilight batted ineffectually at Sunset's fists. "Get off me, you crazy bitch!"

"Code purple, code purple!"

She broke Twilight's magic glasses and tore her evil dress. Twilight's right eye started swelling shut.

Those around them quietly backed away.

"Uhh... Should we help her?" Applejack scratched her head.

"Which one?" Rainbow asked.

"What's a 'code purple'?" Pinkie drew in a huge gasp. "Oh my gosh, is that racist? Is Sunset racist against purple people?"

Up on the stage, Luna and Cadence exchanged confused looks. Celestia reached for her hip flask.

"Um," she said into the microphone.

"Celestia!" screamed Sunset as she banged Twilight's head against the ground. "Activate Fluffy Nougat! Operation Candy Crunch!"

Twilight took this moment to assert herself, grabbing Sunset by the throat and throttling her to the ground. Sunset grabbed two handfuls of her hair and pulled until Twilight released her grip with a screech. Twilight threw a left hook, scoring a direct hit on Sunset's nose. Shaking herself, Sunset rallied and karate chopped Twilight in the neck. Gasping, Twilight somehow held her own, biting down on Sunset's ear.

The other students in the courtyard egged them on, taking bets as to who would win. By this point, Principal Cinch had made her way on stage and was getting in Celestia's face.

"What exactly do you intend to do about that... that ruffian assaulting my prize student?"

"Not a damned thing," Celestia said, not looking at Cinch.

Dean Cadence and Vice-Principal Luna shared a look before running off toward the fight.

"First it's wings," Celestia continued, "then killer plants. Now you're whining about a fist fight. Does nothing please you? Kids will be kids."

Cinch sputtered incoherently for a few moments as Celestia drained her flask.

"Why... I have never been so insulted!"

Celestia snorted, hocked a loogie on the ground at Cinch's feet, and winked at her. "Get used to it, short legs. My money's on Twilight."

Author's Note

Y'know what this movie needed? More high school girls getting into fist fights. :V Don't worry; if you liked this, there's more where it came from. The title of this piece comes from near the end of the "Acadeca" song. "Activate Fluffy Nougat, Operation Candy Crunch" is a longtime saying of my friend Miles that I cannot take credit for.

I've Been Where You Are [Romance]

I've Been Where You Are
by Present Perfect

With a thought, Daydream Shimmer overwhelmed Midnight Sparkle's corrupted magic with her own, and they were transported to a realm of pure light and harmony.

It was strange, Sunset thought, casting off the divine persona the magic had placed upon her. Once upon a time, she had wanted power like this for herself. She had taken it from another, and used it in the name of pursuing an evil desire. Yet now, here she was, filled with the magic of friendship, a goddess-like being of truth and goodness, wielding more power than she ever could have imagined.

And she didn't want it.

She gazed across the chasm to the other girl, that so-called Twilight Sparkle with her angular, feathered wings. Pure fear pooled in Twilight's eyes, and she cringed as though she thought Sunset might hurt her. Sunset closed her eyes and took a deep breath; she extended her arm.

"Take my hand, Twilight," she said, with what she hoped was the same kindness Princess Celestia had spoken to her with once upon a time. "Let me show you there's another way, like someone once did for me."

Full circle it came. Just as one Twilight Sparkle had shown Sunset the joys of friendship, now she could return that favor to another. That it was the same girl only made the cycle more powerful.

Twilight shied away from her hand. That fear was replaced with a momentary surge of pride. Sunset understood what she was feeling all too well. Twilight was powerful; why should she accept another's help? Twilight was wrong; did she really want to accept her mistakes and face an unknown punishment?

Eventually, Twilight gave in to the goodness that Sunset knew still beat in her heart. Eyes filling with tears, she reached out and accepted Sunset's offer. In that moment, as magic swirled through Twilight's dark form, washing away the corruption, Sunset's chest swelled with pride. Twilight had done the right thing, and she herself had been the one to give her the opportunity to make that choice.

The magical realm around them shook and faded. They floated down to the earth in one another's embrace. And in that moment, gazing into Twilight's tear-filled eyes, Sunset was overwhelmed with a feeling, a desire, like none she had ever experienced before.

All she wanted was Twilight.

"Principal Celestia!"

Abacus Cinch slunk out from behind the bleachers like a hyena after the lions left the kill. "I demand an explanation for this outrage! I also demand, on behalf of Crystal Prep, that you forfeit the Friendship Games!"

Celestia crossed her arms and regarded the other pricipal with an upturned eyebrow. "And just why, exactly, do you think Canterlot High should forfeit?"

"It is obvious your students have had an unfair advantage from the start, what with all of this... 'magic' at their disposal!"

"Ah yes," Celestia said, casting a wistful look at the sky. "Canterlot High's Wondercolts have faced magic more than once. And they always came out on top."

"This is a disgrace!" Cinch screeched. "An indignity! Just look at what that... that trollop is doing to my prize student!"

Celestia looked. Oh, how she looked. Quite a few students were cheering Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle as they ran their hands over one another's bodies, loosening outwear and ruffling hair, lips locked tightly together. They rolled over again and again, heedless of the purple dog trying to get their attention.

"Just how do you explain that?" Cinch demanded, pointing a finger in Celestia's face.

"Principal Cinch." Celestia brushed the finger aside, giving Cinch her most serious face. "I do believe that is known by our students as 'tonsil hockey'."

Cinch's mouth hung open for a moment. "W-what?"

"The horizontal tango," Celestia continued with as much nonchalance as she could muster. "Sucking face. Diving for throat p--"

"Yes, yes! I understand what they are doing!" Cinch's teeth ground together audibly.

"Do you really?" Celestia lifted her eyebrow once again, ever so gently. "I thought you were far too busy being a cold-hearted ice queen to have time for things like romance."

"Celestia, I am warning you, forfeit at once, or I will--"

"No."

Cinch's eyes nearly popped from her head. "What?"

"It may be a little unorthodox, but I think we can count Sunset's performance as a win for CHS."

She looked to the girls, still busy exploring the contours of each others' mouths, while her sister and Dean Cadence ushered the younger students back into the school. She gave Cinch a self-satisfied grin.

"After all, I'd say she's proven that Canterlot High students always come out on top."

Author's Note

Did I say "getting into fist fights"? I meant "kissing". Friendship Games needed more high school girls kissing. :V Anyone ever wonder where those goofy super-form names for Sunset and Twilight came from? They were never used in the movie, so of course I've been trying to use them as much as possible because they're just that goofy.

Holy Horseshit, Batmare!

Holy Horseshit, Batmare!
by Present Perfect

"So, where are we gonna live now?"

Ignoring that most of them had first needed to get used to Spike not talking before he started talking again, and that Twilight Sparkle had mostly spent the last week trying to avoid thinking about how little sense her dog's eloquence made, neither she, Sunset Shimmer, nor Sunset's friends had expected that question from him.

It was enough to make Fluttershy pause at rubbing his fuzzy tummy. "What do you mean, Spike?"

Spike gave a bark of laughter. "Just that Twilight and I used to live in a room at Crystal Prep. But now she's transferring schools, so I'm excited to see what the room here looks like!" He wagged his tail for emphasis.

The picnic stilled. Five pairs of eyes turned to regard Twilight with a mix of horror and pity.

"Twilight..." Sunset said. "Are you... Is it true?"

"True?" Twilight gave a nervous giggle. "What do you mean?"

Rarity crawled across the picnic blanket and laid her hand on Twilight's. "Dear, if you're... homeless, you don't have to hide it from us. We'd be happy to help."

The others nodded.

Twilight pulled her hand away, rubbing it while still giggling and also avoiding eye contact.

"Homeless? Who said anything about homelessness? I've always got a home to go to so long as my brother's around!" She wrung a lock of her hair. "Just as long as Dean Cadence doesn't come to visit, because then it's touchy-giggle time and Twily can't stay, no, no, go back to school and work on your studies, wouldn't want to disturb you, just think about Everton!" Her giggling reached a fever pitch.

It was at that moment that the base of the statue beside them rippled and glowed a blinding white, burping forth a dazed and confused purple girl who curled her hands at the wrist like adorable horsey hooves.

"Twilight!" cried the girls, standing.

Twilight stared.

The new Twilight reeled for a moment, then righted herself. She stretched her back and waved.

"Hi girls! Wow, the mirror portal sure took it out of me this time! Speaking of time, how about those time loops, are they lacking in real explanation or what?" She laughed and scratched the back of her neck, glancing upward. Then she did a double-take.

"Holy fuck bulldozer shit salad! What the balls happened to your fucking horse statue?"

"It's a long story," said Sunset, grinning ruefully.

"Twiliiiight," Pinkie hissed.

The aforementioned Twilight looked in the direction she was pointing. Her eyes boggled. She rubbed them. Then, blinking, she laughed.

"Oh wow, a funhouse mirror! Good one, Pinkie!" She made double-guns and click-clicked her tongue at Pinkie. "I totally look like a clown!"

"Twilight!" Applejack made a slashing motion across her throat.

"What?" Twilight raised her arms and shook her head. "I don't understand your silly human body language!"

"Um," said Sci-Twi.

Twilight's head whipped around with enough force that her eyeballs nearly shot from their sockets. Her jaw dropped and a shocked horse noise came out. She had to use both hands to slam her mouth shut.

"Holy ass-licking, motherfucking, cock-gargling balls!" she said primly. "Who the tits are you?"

"Y-you must be the me from Sunset Shimmer's world," Sci-Twi said, attempting to be as inoffensive as possible. "Boy, have I got a story to tell you!" She then made the mistake of explaining who she was and what had happened during the Friendship Games.

In her defense, Princess Twilight had asked.

"You what?" she exclaimed when Sci-Twi had finished her tale. She was so livid, I mean you could see steam coming out her ears and everything. They can't do that in Humania!

"W-well, I've learned from my mistakes..." Sci-Twi cringed, as though her double were about to beat her up, take her lunch money, and shove her in a locker.

Which Princess Twilight absolutely would have done, had there been any lockers nearby.

"I LIKED THAT STATUE!"

Bellowing the primal warcry of her people (it was neighing), Princess Twilight Sparkle pounced on non-Princess Twilight Sparkle and used her adorable hoofy fists to deliver a wicked face pounding. Sci-Twi did her best to turtle up, her combat arsenal consisting of only that most stalwart of nerd defensive items, the three-ring binder.

"Uh," said Applejack, pointing at the pair. The Discovery Family Movie logo spawned from her upturned palm. "Should we maybe step in and separate those two?"

"Nah." Rainbow popped a grape in her mouth. It was a picnic, there were grapes. "This was bound to happen eventually. Let 'em fight it out, it's good for 'em!"

Twilight maintained a death grip on Sci-Twi's hair, but the latter was able to get a leg up and flip her on her back.

"It hasn't been easy for me!" Sci-Twi grunted, trying her best to hold the other Twilight's arms down. "I inherited your academic record because they think I'm you! I've currently got an F in history! I've never gotten an F in anything!"

"I'm gonna effin' destroy you!" Twilight growled, knocking Sci-Twi's glasses loose and going for her ears. "I could've had horse babies with that statue!"

"And that's another thing!" Sci-Twi let out a gasp as Princess Twilight flipped her on her side. That Twi grunted as Sci-Twi threw a left hook, knocking out one of her teeth. "All the students think I'm you, too! They keep looking to me for inspiration and guidance! I don't know anything about how to do that! And that Flash Sentry jerk has been creeping on me like he's the solution and I'm the precipitate!"

Flash Sentry slunk behind his watching tree, feeling a confusing combination of shame and arousal.

Princess Twilight tried to bite her opponent, but was held off by a choke attack. She karate chopped Sci-Twi between the eyes and earned a smack in the mouth in return.

"I hate you!" she screamed.

"I hate you more!" shouted Sci-Twi.

"Hate you first!"

"Hate you last!"

"Oh, just kiss already!" Pinkie yelled.

Both Twilights stopped. They stared at each other, blinking slowly, then turned to Pinkie.

"Can we actually do that?" one of them said. It didn't matter who.

"I don't see why not," said the other.

The reason why not, as it turned out, was anti-magic detonations. Canterlot High was going to need a lot more than just a new statue. Flash retreated from his tree before anyone could blame this one on him.

Author's Note

And then you combine the two and everything is great and nothing hurts anymore. :V I stole "Holy fuck bulldozer shit salad" from Pav Feira. The title of this piece comes from a Gym Class Heroes song. I can't remember why I chose it.

CnH2nSn

CnH2nSn
by Present Perfect

"It's a good thing the Friendship Games only happen once every four years, so we never have to come back to this idiotic school."

Sugarcoat's flat pronouncement was met by nods and rumblings of agreement from her fellow Shadowbolts. They all stood outside Canterlot High, waiting to board the bus that would take them and their disgraced principal home.

Sunny Flare scowled and stuck her tongue out. "Everyone at this high school is just so creepy. Always smiling, always giving it their all? I mean, who does that? Ugh."

"I thought it was nice!" Sour Sweet clasped her hands to her chest and fluttered her eyelashes. Her smile turned into a grimace. "If you like being attacked by freaky talking dogs, that is!"

Indigo Zap, closest to the bus door, tapped her foot impatiently. "And can you believe their principal? 'We're all winners'? Who says that?" She held her hands out before her and scoffed loudly. "If we're all winners, we're all losers, too! I am not a loser!"

"Are we complaining about CHS?" Lemon Zest lifted one side of her ever-present headphones.

"What else?" Sunny Flare said, crossing her arms.

"So yeah," Lemon said, giggling, "what's up with their name?"

"Uh, I dunno." Indigo looked at her askance. "What's up with it?"

"I mean, like, CHS?" Lemon held her hands out. "Isn't that sugar?"

The other four gave each other confused looks. After a moment, Sugarcoat sighed loudly and pressed her palm into her forehead.

"If you paid more attention in chemistry class, you'd know carbohydrates are made out of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen."

"No, but like..." Lemon clicked her tongue twice. "The last one's sulfur, right? So it's like, sugar, but it'd be smelly, right? Why name your school after stinky sugar?"

The sound of four palms smacking four foreheads echoed across the parking lot. Then the bus doors opened and Lemon Zest grunted as her compatriots shouldered past her.

"You should really just consider not tal--"

Sugarcoat's admonishment died on her lips as she took note of who was on the bus. Three girls, two with teal and purple hair, and one with a tremendous mane of poofy golden curls, stood in the bus aisle, grinning wickedly and beating their fists against their palms in perfect rhythm. They looked like colorful hobos, which didn't make them any less intimidating.

"Hi there," said the yellow-haired girl. "We are so going to beat your faces in."

Sugarcoat frowned. "In case you haven't noticed, there's five of us and three of you."

To punctuate her statement, Sunny Flare, Sour Sweet and Indigo Zap took up their best kung fu stances. Lemon Zest had gone back to listening to her music.

The girl with twin pigtails swung her head left and right, cracking her neck both times. "I don't think that'll be a problem."

"We're considerably better villains than you," said the yellow-haired girl.

"And far better waifu material," added the third.

They surged up the aisle like seafoam on a storm-tossed ocean. Sunny Flare lost her nerve and tried the door, only to find it stuck shut.

The Shadowbolts would never understand just why or how they got the beating of a lifetime.

Author's Note

I'm not a big fan of the Shadowbolts, if you couldn't tell. :V

So there you go! Now you know what "stinky sugar" is! This joke was dreamed up by my buddy Max as we watched the movie for the first time, and I knew it had to be used in this collection somehow.

That's the end of the main FTaSS series, but I have a couple of bonus chapters lined up. Those will be releasing every couple of days rather than daily. Check out this journal if you want to see more thoughts of mine on Friendship Games. Otherwise, you can go thank these fine people, without whose help this project wouldn't have happened:

Octavia Harmony, Belligerent Sock, thelivingcouch, Majin Syeekoh, Pascoite and Maskedferret.

Bonus Chapter: And on That Note...

And on That Note...
by Present Perfect

"All ponies are adorable. But some are most adorable than others."
—Hoofsef Stallion

Flash Sentry limped down the hallway, hissing every time he put too much weight on his left leg. Sixth period gym class had seen him taking up Curly Winds's race challenge and twisting his leg in a foolish exertion of machismo. Coach Soarin had sent him off the track immediately, leaving Flash to slowly poke his way toward the nurse's office while cursing his own stupidity. He'd have to get Curly back later.

As he passed the music room, however, a trio of arguing voices caught his attention, and he couldn't resist seeing what was up, pain or no pain. He pressed the door open, leaning against the jamb to give his aching knee some relief.

"My backstory is far more tragic!"

The first voice was that of his ex, Sunset Shimmer. He'd know that angry tone anywhere.

"No one cares about backstory."

This one sounded like Twilight Sparkle. Though, he reminded himself, it was probably not the Twilight Sparkle who was a magical pony princess. She continued speaking.

"Looks are what's important. I'm wearing glasses and a bun. I've got 'sexy librarian' and 'sexy schoolgirl' rolled into one!"

"As if," said a third voice he didn't recognize at all. "Looks aren't everything, newbie. Neither of you is half as adorable or precious as me!"

The voice suddenly clicked. It was one of the girls who tried to enslave the school during the Battle of the Bands. What was she doing back at CHS?

"How dare you show your vile face back at Canterlot High!" he shouted, bursting through the door and striking a pose that was equally dramatic and intimidating.

Or, he would have done that, if bursting through the door hadn't caused his leg pain to flare. He got as far as "How d" before collapsing into a whimpering, shivering heap right there in the doorway, neither dramatic nor intimidating.

He was at least attention-grabbing, and Sunset rushed over to kneel beside him.

"Flash! What are you doing here? Are you hurt?"

He decided not to dwell on the thought that she had never shown this much concern for him while they were dating. Instead, he cut straight to the problem at hand, pointing an accusing finger at the Siren girl.

"What's she doing here?"

The girl opened her mouth, but Twilight stepped forward, smiling. "What excellent timing!" Kneeling down, she patted Flash on the head. "You're just the creepy sort of weirdo we need to sort out our little problem!"

Flash looked from Twilight -- she was definitely not pony princess Twilight -- to the Siren to Sunset, confusion writ large on his face. Then, wincing, he shrugged. It would be better to accept whatever this was than try and figure it out.

"Okay. What's the problem?"

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but the Siren girl rushed forward and planted her hands on his shoulders, much to his dismay.

"Which one of us is the best waifu?" she jabbered at a mile a minute.

Flash's face lit up. Waifus were definitely something he knew about, and his keen mind set about sorting through the facts.

His immediate thought was Twilight, but she wasn't his Twilight. Would a choice for Sunset be playing favorites? Could he be considered trying to get back in her good graces? The Siren girl was right out for obvious reasons, but... No, on second thought, if she was holding her own in what had obviously been an intense contest of wills before his arrival, then surely she must have some kind of secret weapon, some angle he was unaware of.

Well, it would be better than another story with girls punching each other, at least.

"Okay, ladies," he said, leaning back and sticking his leg out at a more comfortable angle. "Give me your pitches."

The three girls exchanged hopeful glances.

"It's pretty simple," Sunset began. "Not only am I a truly reformed villain with a tragic backstory, I have amazing hair and not one, but two killer songs, even if one of them got cut from the final version." She rolled her eyes.

Twilight took a step forward. "I look exactly like everyone's favorite princess, except I'm way sexier and remind them of when she was an adorable nerdy shut-in instead of a know-it-all Mary Sue! I'm a reformed villain and a blast from the past, baby!"

"As if." The Siren shouldered her out of the way. "Not only was I part of the villain team, but I'm so adorably ditzy, no one believes I was actually evil! The only thing better than a reformed villain is one who didn't know what she was doing in the first place!"

They all scowled at each other. Then they leaned over, staring directly at Flash.

"So who's it gonna be?" they asked in unison.

Grinning, Flash slicked back his hair.

"It's obvious." He closed his eyes and drew in a breath, letting them hang on his dramatic pause.

"You're all best waifu."

"What?" they shouted, reeling back.

He pointed to each of them in turn. "Sunset's hot and confident, Twilight's nerdy and prim, and, uh..."

"Sonata."

"Sonata's ditzy and klutzy." He spread his hands. "It's obvious, really. Separately, you're each pretty great waifus, but if you combined your powers, you could create the single most unstoppable waifu of all time!"

"Oh." Sonata held a hand to her chest. "That sounds like a pretty good idea."

"I'll say." Sunset crossed her arms and shot Twilight a hungry look. "I've been waiting for this for a long time."

Twilight tossed her glasses away in the sexiest manner possible. "You and me both."

Sunset caught Twilight's head in her hands and their lips met. Sonata wrapped her arms around Twilight, exploring the contours of her torso with her hands and nibbling on her neck.

"Aw yeah," Flash said, taking a good long look before hefting himself to his feet. "That's the stuff."

He tested his leg, nodded, and left the music room, closing the door softly behind him. Moaning from three different voices followed him out.

"Looks like I won't need to see the nurse after all. Just another life-changing problem solved by the Flash!"

Chuckling, he put his hands in his pockets and headed back to the gym, whistling jauntily.

Author's Note

This was originally not planned as a Friendship Games fic, but Sci-Twi fit in perfectly and this collection gave me the opportunity to write it. The quote at the beginning was not, in fact, said by Hoofsef Stallion, but RazgrizS57.

Bonus Chapter: Sour Cream [Crossover]

Sour Cream
by Present Perfect

"Did you hear the news?"

The halls of Crystal Prep were alive with whispers and accusations. Students, teachers and staff alike all had one question on their lips: What happened to Principal Cinch?

After her embarrassing conduct at the Friendship Games, there had been a moment when those same halls rang with the footsteps and hushed tribunals of the school board, and nothing else. That had been before the weekend; now Monday's air vibrated with possibility.

Had she been suspended? Sacked? Transferred? Worse?

Everyone had a theory, but none knew the truth. And that was why Sour Sweet was in Principal Cinch's office, watching her clean out her desk.

"I'm pleased you came to see me, dear," Cinch said, her uncharacteristic niceness setting Sour's teeth on edge. "It's good to know that I'll be missed and remembered after my tenure."

"I won't miss my Principal Cinch dart board, that's for sure," Sour said under her breath.

"What was that, dear?"

"I said, it's just a shame the school board kicked you out, Principal Cinch!" Sour clasped her hands under her chin and batted her eyes. "You did nothing wrong!"

"Oh no, my dear." Cinch waved her hand. "I wasn't forced out, I resigned. Well..." She cleared her throat. "Between you and I, I was given a choice of either resigning or losing my pension and likely much more. I'm not proud to have chosen the better part of valor, but at least I can retain a bit of dignity."

"Good luck, Principal Cinch!" Sour said, and made for the door.

Outside, she met Sugarcoat, arms crossed over her chest and with her usual frown.

"So what did Cinch say?"

Sour Sweet strode out into the hallway, hands on her hips. She stopped, tipped her head back, and let out an ear-splitting laugh.

"Wahahaha! At last, the mighty Abacus Cinch has fallen! Now I, Sour Sweet, am leader of the Decepti-- I mean, Crystal Prep!" She raised her hands to the ceiling, fingers clenched as though she were holding orbs of power. "Bow before me, high school students, for I am your true master!"

What few students were near the offices regarded her with flat, slightly confused looks. There was a tap on her shoulder.

"A-hem."

Sour Sweet gulped and turned around. Dean Cadence regarded her with a raised eyebrow. Behind her, Sugarcoat glared.

"Actually," Cadence said, "I'm in charge until a new principal is appointed. So when you serve detention in the principal's office tonight, you can expect to have me as company."

As she went back into her office, Sugarcoat approached, walking past Sour.

"You need to accept that your plans are terrible and no one actually wants you to be in charge."

Sour Sweet crossed her arms and tried to melt the floor tiles with her scowl.

"Aw, scrap."

Author's Note

Max kept calling Sour Sweet "Starscream" and then this happened. D: I take none of the blame, it's all his fault.

Bonus Chapter: Friendship Is Meatcraft

Friendship Is Meatcraft
by Present Perfect

"Welcome to Arby's," Fluttershy said, coughing into her elbow. "May I take your order?"

The rather large customer standing before her scowled.

"Yes," she said in an oily voice, "you may."

As she placed her rather convoluted order, shouting came from the back.

"Ah need four beef and cheese, two potato cakes, an' a pumpkin shake, pronto!"

"On it!" shouted Rarity and Rainbow Dash simultaneously. The former made for the fryer while the latter continued twirling buns and sauce dispensers, working in a rhythm built around the cadence of the meat slicer. Her hands flashed as she waited until just the right moment to reach for the pile of thinly-sliced roast beef, heap it on the sandwich, and wrap the whole thing with a twist before sliding it onto the loading tray.

"Quit foolin' around!" Pinkie Pie barked. "Time is meat and meat is money, and that means time is money, and I ain't payin' you to goof off!"

"She calls this 'goofing off'?" Rainbow grumbled under her breath as she completed another sandwich in one-sixth of a minute precisely.

Rarity placed two wrapped sandwiches in a bag and, checking the order screen, two more on a waiting tray.

"I have two mids, fries in ten!"

Fluttershy sniffled, eyes flashing across her register. "That's two bacon and angus, no cheese, and no lettuce on one--"

"No cheese on either," her customer yowled. "I am watching my figure."

"R-right. No cheese on both, no lettuce on one, a large chocolate shake, a-a large curly fries, and two turnovers, one apple and one chocolate." She gave the woman as pleasant a smile as she could, the corners of her mouth crinkling the spots on her nose that had been rubbed raw by a barrage of tissues. Since the evening dinner rush had started, she hadn't had a moment to get more. "Is there anything else?"

"Hmm." The customer's nose made its best attempt to flee her face. "No, that will be all."

Pinkie shouldered Rarity away from the milkshake machine, filling a large cup with chocolate slurry. "Big order coming down the line!"

Applejack poked her head out from around the corner. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but closed it. Adjusting her headset, she slowly withdrew to the drive-through station.

"On it!" shouted Rainbow Dash.

Rarity gave the fryer a querulous look.

Fluttershy coughed into her elbow again before trying and failing to smile at the next customer. "May I take your order?"

The customer glanced at his friend, who shrugged.

"Mid and a small curly fry."

"Anything to drink?" Fluttershy sniffed.

"No, thanks."

After handing her his card to swipe, the customer craned his head around, gazing over the frantic line. As Fluttershy handed him his receipt, he placed his hand on hers for a second.

"Hang in there."

She gave him a tiny smile in return, but it was short-lived.

"Fluttershy, fries!"

Fluttershy ducked her head and turned to the third customer. "I'll be with you in just a moment, sorry."

Rarity delivered the tray to the customer ahead of the grand one. "Sorry for the wait." To the latter, she said, "It'll be just a moment more on your order, ma'am."

Rainbow Dash was meating and bunning as fast as humanly possible. Applejack poked her head out again with an "Uh..." only to catch the bag for her order smack in the face. She glanced inside it, gave Pinkie a weak smile and a thumbs-up, and slid back to her station.

Pinkie Pie made a sandwich. Then she filled a milkshake. She grabbed the large curly fry from Fluttershy's hand. She flashed across the line, pulling two sandwiches from the loading tray. Vaulting over Rarity, she snatched up a pair of tongs, swiped two turnovers from the heating unit, and slid them and the tray onto the order pickup counter.

"There's your order, ma'am!" she said breathlessly. "Sorry for the wait!"

"You should be."

The woman regarded her with a piggish squint before carefully unwrapping each sandwich and rifling through its contents. Pinkie stood stiff as board, her smile just as wooden.

"I said no lettuce on one!" she screeched, tossing a glob of green shreds at Pinkie. "It makes me gassy if I eat too much! And what's this?" She held up one of the turnovers, slowly crushing it into a mess of chocolate and pastry. "I wanted one chocolate and one apple!"

"I'm terribly sorry, ma'am," Pinkie said robotically. She slowly drew a small card from her hair. "Allow me to fix the oversight and present you this coupon for a free meal deal on your next visit." Never taking her eyes off the woman, she grabbed an apple turnover and slid it onto the tray.

The woman tried her best to glare a hole through Pinkie. She snatched the coupon and lifted the tray with such fervor that she upended her milkshake. "I suppose that will have to do. If I ever come back here."

"I really hope you don't," the second customer muttered, just loud enough for everyone to hear.

Those in line behind him stifled laughter while the woman turned a number of shades of purple. Eyes bulging, she could only sputter incoherently for a few moments before stomping off, dripping chocolate milkshake across the dingy brown carpet.

All was still for a moment longer. A beeping from the fryer sent Rarity into a wailing rush for it, and the high-speed chaos returned. Rainbow screeched at the meat that had piled up in the last minute, as though she could make sandwiches with sound waves alone. Fluttershy returned to the register.

"Thank you for waiting," she said with renewed determination.

"Not a problem," responded her customer, glancing at the line of people behind him.

Pinkie caught the second customer's eye. "Can I get you a drink or a shake?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Nah. We're just getting carry out."

She gave him a little smile and moved back to the order screen. Her smile fell as Applejack poked her head out from around the corner and yelled, "Big order comin' up the line!"

Pinkie let out a noise of disgust. Fluttershy quailed. Rarity moaned. Rainbow Dash groaned.

"That's it, I've had enough."

She slammed her hand against the large red button that sat between her station and a sign reading "PANIC BUTTON". Sirens blared and red lights flashed across the line.

"Code orange!" she yelled.

As one, the five employees turned to face the cooler.

With a hiss, the massive steel door wrenched itself open, loosing a billowing cloud of steam that obscured everything behind it. After a second, a form emerged from the steam. It slowly coalesced into Sunset Shimmer, leather jacket slung over one shoulder and a massive amulet around her neck, which obscured the purple lipstick somewhat.

She swung her jacket around dramatically, flinging it back into the cooler before yanking the amulet off her neck. She held it aloft, and her five friends closed their eyes. The amulet opened, drawing in streams of colored light from each of them. The customers oohed and aahed.

The lights gathered into a sphere in the center of the amulet. Once it had grown to the size of a golf ball, she snapped it shut and gazed upon its surface. Lights flashed in a quick circle around its circumference. She grinned. She struck one dramatic pose, then another. Then she heaved the amulet toward the floor.

"Henshin!"

The customers had to shield their eyes as Sunset was engulfed by white light. She lifted off the ground, hair and clothing billowing in unseen wind.

Her top lengthened into a floor-length pink dress. Gloves and winged boots bearing her symbol appeared. Her hair stood straight up, drifting and curling like fire. A seriously 80's red mask appeared across her eyes. Lastly, a horn of brilliant light emerged from her forehead, to complement the wings of light that grew from her back.

She faced the customer at the register, the one who hadn't minded waiting. With a voice that radiated warmth and caring, she called to him.

"Take my hand."

"What?"

He looked to the left and right, but the other customers were frozen in place. Sunset drifted forward through the sandwich station as his world became nothing but the bight, pure light.

"Take my hand," she repeated. "I've been where you are. Scared, alone, hungry."

"Uh, but my friend's right--"

"Let me show you there's another way. The most important magic comes from friendship."

"But I have a friend! And magic? I--"

"Come. Let me show you, as someone once did for me."

Her hand touched his, and there was a blinding flash. When it dissipated, all the customers in line were gone, and Sunset was back to normal, the amulet having returned to hang around her neck.

"Sunset!" Pinkie cried, clawing at her face.

"What?" Sunset shrugged. "What is it this time?"

"You ate all our customers!" Rainbow shouted. "Again!"

"We were just about to start serving them again, too," said Fluttershy, touching the tips of her fingers together. She sneezed cutely.

Rarity scoffed. "It's no wonder this place can't turn a profit! This is precisely why we keep telling you magic can't solve all our problems!"

"Uh," said Applejack from the drive-through. "Still got that big order, y'all!"

"Back to it!" Pinkie shouted, and the kitchen became a frenzy of action once more.

Sunset clucked her tongue. "You're welcome. Whatever."

She moved back to the cooler, where the cold fog had lifted. Two identical purple heads poked out from the doorway, blinking back sleep.

"Come back to bed, Horn Warmer," they said in unison.

Sunset grinned, flashed the double-guns at her friends, and strode back into the cooler like the was queen of the world.

Author's Note

And that's it for Fast Times at Stinky Sugar!

This story is dedicated to the beleaguered staff at the State Street Arby's the night me and Max went there after seeing Friendship Games. I got started thinking about who would fit what role and things just sort of happened. Some liberties have of course been taken. The woman ahead of us, for instance, was heavy-set and had a complex order, but she was nothing but nice. Max did not have a ready-made zinger on hand, and I did not get consumed by a being of pure magical energy. But other than that, everything else is pretty much how it went. :V

The title comes from an Arby's ad campaign that I noticed the name of on the back one of the employee's shirts. That is actually what started this whole mess. If you don't have Arby's near you and didn't get this story, well, sorry. :B You're missing out on some good fast food.

What's Within?

What's Within?
by Present Perfect

"While Sunset works on keeping magic out of the games, I've been working on what to put in!" Rarity giggled, grasping at the air.

Groaning, Applejack asked, "Rarity, what'd you go and do?"

The answer was more giggling that bordered on manic. Rarity swung a series of black plastic bags over the counter, and a number of items tumbled out.

They were long. They were thick. They were ribbed. They were made of black rubber. They had heavy bases with suction cups that helped them stand at attention.

Applejack turned red as an apple. "Aw, c'mon, Rares!"

Rarity giggled. "I know!"

"I love them!" Pinkie shouted, popping up with three sticking out of her hair and one in each ear. "Party hats for everyone!"

In the music room doorway, a purple girl with glasses surveyed the scene for a moment before backing out and running down the hall. She didn't leave her laboratory for three weeks straight and never spoke of what she saw.

"Oh," Rarity said, nonchalantly, "and I also made some clothes."

Author's Note

I couldn't not make fun of Rarity's line.