Doesn't that set-up seem rather lowbrow, darling?

by SwiperTheFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Original Character, Sex, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3286

An author falls into despair as the ponies he's dreamed about blast his writing.

Liam Haworth Christopher McGuinness sits down to write another fanfiction for one of his favorite shows, My Little Pony. However, accidentally pressing a series of keys brings him in contact with some floating equines. They appear to be astral projections of his beloved characters. They talk about his work. He falls into despair as the ponies known and loved criticize his writing. This is part of my general sort of trend towards self-satire as well as making fun of other authors. Be warned that, like other stuff that I've recently done, I wrote this with my brain turned off. And I mean really. Thanks for reading.

Published 2012-06-03 04:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-03 04:14:03 UTC

The Only Chapter

"Here I am," Liam Haworth Christopher McGuiness said, propping up his long, hairy legs against the end table, "I'm sitting here with pile of plastic and wires that cost the same as my goddamn Volkswagen or-- better yet--" He took a sip of his Big Gulp, loaded with ice and frosty vanilla-favored goodness. "The cost of those big-tit angel drawers over at Lulu's."

He snorted. He ran a hand through his fluffy red hair and slid to the side in his old, creaky black chair. It, in contrast, had only cost him $4.50 at the north Dallas Salvation Army place. Everything has gotten too damn expensive. He glared at the screen, showing the main page of fimfiction.net with zero notifications and zero messages for him.

"And all I need is an idea," he groaned. "Just one, bloody idea. One bloody thing." He thrust his hands forward.

He accidentally knocked the drink over, going upon the keyboard. He made an animal-like "yip" and shoved the drink to the side as his hands smashed a bunch of random keys down. He saw for a second that the liquid had spilled all over the counter and not on his precious Toshiba. He let out a quick gasp of relief. He took his hands off of the keyboard, touching some more of the keys.

"Well, that's a relief," he muttered, "If I had one more sodding surprise today, then I'd just--"

*Boom!*

Stream after stream of bright red light shot out from the screen of his laptop. Sparks rippled all through the air. Liam fell off his chair and held his hands over his face, trying his best not to scream. He rolled across the dirty carpeting of his bedroom, kicking himself away from the table. The Toshiba just erupted like a fountain as the whole table shook

He shut his eyes tightly as he scooted underneath the smaller table on the opposite side of the room. "This has to be a dream. It's a bloody dream. That's it." I have to lay off those new deluxe coffees at the corner store. 'Supreme Maple Psychedelic Burst', my God, I'll be that has all kinds of experiential chemical additives in there. Too hot for the FDA.

"Oh, that silly-illy-not-a-filly," said a familiar bubbly voice, "why are you hiding beneath that table like a scared mousey-wousey?"

"Be careful, and don't move too fast," said another familiar, but more intellectual sounding voice. "This is one of our first attempts at inter-universal transmissions."

"Oh, darling, don't act so clinically. That poor creature has to be scared out of his wits," said another familiar, but more regal sounding voice.

"My God," Liam said, opening up his eyes and sliding out. "It's them." He blinked again and again. Sure enough, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Rarity-- three figures from his dreams both wet and G-rated-- floated there in the air of his bedroom over his computer desk. "You're here? But you're all, ah, ghostly." He stood up, reaching out. They simply floated about in place as his hand passed right through Pinkie's hoof. Liam's eyes ran up and down their sides. They looked like themselves only far fainter, with a light gray tone running across the outline of their bodies.

"Well, I suppose congratulations are in order," Twilight said, smiling, "you cracked the code!"

"Code?"

"You typed 'njioernijesjin' while hitting the shift key on and off." Rarity kicked the air behind her and floated over to Liam's shoulder.

"And?" Liam scratched his freckly cheeks. "I don't get it. How does that even make sense?"

"Well, it is magic," Twilight said, putting on a sheepish expression. "It often doesn't make sense. It's just whatever electronic message that your laptop sends has to meet this really specific magical frequency in order to allow us to transmit our astral projections over here."

Liam tried to wrap his mind around Twilight's words. He failed. "I still kind of thing it's the bad coffee, sorry." He smirked. "Bloody hell, it's like a bad plot device in one of my own fanfictions."

"Oh, Celestia, no," Rarity remarked, leaning her head to the side and pressing a hoof against her cheek. "He's not another one of those so-called 'bronies', is he?"

"I'm right here," Liam said, moving over between the three ponies. They hovered along his head like fan-blades moving around a big light-bulb. "Don't talk about me like I'm a dog or something, Rarity."

She blushed, and she flew a few feet upwards over to his ceiling. Twilight put an understanding hoof on his shoulder, although it passed right through him. Pinkie simply remained perfectly in place, her eyes welled up to huge sizes. She appeared to have something very wrong with her.

"What's with Pinkie?" Liam asked.

"She's using a Dell, darling," Rarity replied, "So, please don't get unhappy if her signal cuts in and out and arbitrary stops working."

Liam looked over, and he saw big black letters popping up in front of Pinkie's face.

Pinkie.exe Has Stopped Working
Please Wait For Restart
Estimated Load Time: 2 Hours

"Figures," he muttered.

"Oh, so, ah," Twilight murmured as she looked over at his laptop. "You're a fanfiction writer."

"Oh, yeah," he said, putting on a big smile and pulling up his chair. "Want to see what I've written about you girls? It's a dream come true to show you all!"

"As you wish," Rarity cryptically replied. From her dull facial expression, she didn't seem anywhere near confident that this would end well.

Liam clicked over to his stories section. He flashed through his thirty-three stories as he rubbed a hand on the top of the screen. He glanced back and forth between Twilight's face and each new fic as it popped up.

"Very, interesting," Twilight finally said, "I suppose you're very proud about your huge following of fans. Some very negative comments here and there, but that's nothing compared to the overall rush of positive praise. So, what's your newest one?" She moved down to Liam's side as he opened up a new webpage. "Oh, hey. I recognize your stuff now. You're... you." She took a gulp. "Hi, Liam."

"It even got featured!" Liam put so much emotion into that last word that he might as well have been bragging about his first-born son. Sweat started to pop amidst his frilly red locks. Twilight felt a little repulsed that he had gotten so psychologically invested into something so trivial.

My Little Escort: Marshmallow Hooves Are Sensual

4,021 Views

189 Upvotes
89 Downvotes

"Would you like to see the synopsis?" He clicked over anyways without waiting for a response.

Rarity walks over to a brand new spa and nightclub that's opened up on the north side of town. She gets a new job, with the help of Trixie in her new position, servicing clients of a special nature. Twilight walks in, thinking that she's just going to get a good bath and shampooing. She has a big surprise.

So, I've had a lot of stress going through my family-related issues. Thanks for all your support. And thanks for reading.

"Doesn't that set-up seem rather lowbrow, darling?" Rarity asked, floating over to Liam's left shoulder. Twilight moved closer at his left. Rarity suddenly noticed the author name at the top of the story, and the color drained from her face.

"I thought that you'd like it," Liam said, opening up the first chapter. "After all, even though those uptight morons that moderate the site hated the fanfic, the average readers sure loved it." He clicked back to his original tab. "And look at all the favorites, the watchers, and positive comments. So what if all those snobbish writers nitpick things!"

Twilight wanted to say something about the low standards of the average human reader that she'd found from her altogether unhappy experience with human fanfiction, but she remained silent. She simply looked out blankly, reading the first paragraphs of Liam's story. Rarity made a frustrated sigh, fixing her mane with her hooves idly.

Rarity trotted along the sides of the street, taking great care to avoid stepping on any puddles left from the heavy rain. She was glancing around at the various mares going about their business. Good thing that it's so nice outside now, she thought. Still, she was feeling such odd sensations as she noticed mare after mare with coltfriends at their sides. The raining in her heart affected her a more deeply than anything that would rub up along her fur. She accidentally grazed a small yet deep puddle.

She shivered. "Oh, rats," she remarked, muttering a quick spell to sparkle away the black streak on her fur. Thank goodness for that spell of Twilight's, she thought. She looked down at her muddy reflection in the puddle. "You're so alone, Rarity. I might as well face it. At my level, when I insist on looking like a fashion model, it simply intimidates so many ponies." She was besides herself.

"Liam, my dear," Rarity commented, shooting him an irritated glance, "Let's start with one important thing. I am not so vain that a mere splash of dirt on my hoof would cause me to 'shiver'. What would give you such a deeply false impression?"

"Ahhh," he muttered.

"Second of all," Rarity said, pressing a hoof against Liam's shoulder. Even though she couldn't actually touch him, the determination in her voice and poise caused him to shrink in his chair. "I can clean myself up, thank you very much." She wiggled her head, showing off her elegant mane. "I have no need to go beg Twilight for spells or other assistance to keep myself nice, goodness. I'm not so dependent."

Rarity suddenly looked up, locking eyes with Twilight.

"No offense, darling," Rarity said.

"Of course," Twilight replied, putting on a very neutral expression.

"Anyways," Rarity said, going back to her list of grievances as she moved inches from Liam's face, "Third, and most importantly of all, I am not-- I repeat, not-- a lonely mare because of my appearance. Are you serious? Are you truly serious?" She focused her eyes, looking as if she wanted to punch him.

"Um," he whispered. He didn't want to even think about defending his work as his heart raced.

"I can't tell you how many stallions as well as mares preposition me every single day!" Rarity called out, moving her body down and trying to grab him from the collar. Her hooves simply passed through the cloth. "They label me things that I can't repeat here, of course, since it would be highly crass. Yet I can assure you that I hardly 'intimidate' anypony. One would be hard pressed to find a less lonely pony in all of Equestria."

"Rarity," Twilight interjected.

"What is it?" Rarity asked. Twilight made a sort of 'high sign', and Rarity floated up over towards the ceiling.

"Well, uh," Twilight said as Liam looked over at her. She flickered her ears, and she put on a motherly kind of expression, looking like she would with Spike. "That's that. But there's other things too. Let me try to be constructive."

"Okay," Liam said, trying to calm himself down. Rarity just flamed me for my first two paragraphs of my shipfic. Rarity. Herself. Dear sweet merciful God, what have I done?

"You go into the passive voice sometimes," Twilight said, pointing a hoof at the screen. "You want to try to avoid that generally. I can't say to never do it, but try to be 'action-oriented' in your writings. Like 'she was glancing around'... wouldn't that look better as 'she glanced around'?"

He nodded.

"And, when you have thoughts," Twilight continued, "simply use italics. Don't use things like 'she thought'. That just interrupts the flow of reading."

He nodded again.

"You also used the highly overused, cliche imagery of 'raining in one's heart'," Twilight said.

"I got it from the Buddy Holly song," Liam protested. "He's like a personal hero. I listened to him a lot when I wrote it."

"I know," Twilight replied, "but it's still falls as flat as day old soda."

"As well, darling," Rarity said from high up above them, "I'm not the sort of mare that would talk to my own reflection for a long while."

"That's not quite true," Twilight said, turning around, "Don't you remember when--"

"Girls," Liam interjected. "I, uh, I didn't realize that you all took fanfiction so seriously."

"Of course, we do," Rarity said, scooting along in the air like an indoor cloud. "How could we when you humans keep broadcasting them in our airspace?" She stopped, flipping around in place.

"Broadcasting?"

Twilight let out a low sigh. "Liam, I'm sorry. We should have explained this from the beginning. All My Little Pony related fanart, fanfiction, fanmusic, and everything else fanmade ends up popping up in Equestria itself in physical form. Oftentimes, the electronic information with the fanfictions end up turning into sound waves that play through our buildings."

"Okay..." Liam had no idea how to even begin to take this.

"You can imagine," Twilight said, blushing, "how awkward that was when the original Cupcakes boomed through Ponyville's grocery store. I remember dropping my milk carton upon the floor and letting it spill all over when the blood and guts part began."

"Pinkie still has nightmares from the whole thing," Rarity commented.

"Wow," Liam groaned. He leaned far back in his chair, almost falling over. He idly scrolled down to the middle of his story. I suppose it was stupid of me to think that they'd like what I do, now that I've actually met them. I still think this is a coffee-induced fantasy high thing.

"What happens in the rest of this story?" Twilight asked, looking at a paragraph in the middle of the fic.

Twilight's eyes drank in every last inch of Rarity's soft, smooth body. She couldn't wait to wade into that deep pool of pleasure in front of her. With the white unicorn's mane getting soaking wet and curling around her chest as she panted, Twilight knew that she couldn't look any prettier. She reached over and pressed her face against Rarity's belly. Twilight's tongue danced along her fur for a moment, shooting bursts of pleasure up Rarity's sides. This turned into full-blown kisses-- wet, slurp-filled kisses. Pleasure poured into both their minds.

"Well, okay then," Twilight said. She stopped. She closed her eyes, and she took a deep breath. She rubbed her hooves against her temples. "Remember what Princess Celestia said. Remember her words. It's not, as the humans say, 'personal'. It's just for fun to them. Remember her words. Remember her words." She wiggled her head as her teeth chattered for a moment. "Okay, I'm good now." She opened her eyes and looked over at Liam. He could see her trying her best to repress her inner revulsion. "I'm okay. Really."

"Twilight, I... I..."

"I'll do my best to be constructive, so," Twilight said. She paused, and she panted for about ten solid seconds. "Okay, then. Constructive." Liam reached a hand for her shoulder. "Okay, Liam, there's two things. First of all, you use the word 'pleasure' a lot. This is just one paragraph, and here you say 'pleasure', 'pleasure', 'pleasure'..." She took a gulp. "Try being more creative with your word choice when you describe me having sex with one of my best friends."

Liam nodded. Oh, God, this has to be the weirdest conversation ever.

"Second thing," Twilight said, "all you're having me do is, ah, kissing her." She closed her eyes, and she floated over behind his back. He heard her bopping her hooves against her sides in repressed emotion. "That's a lot of sensual subtext for mere kisses."

"Yeah, I tend to, ah, amp up the sexual subtext in my fics." Liam clicked over to another webpage, not able to bear seeing fanciful sex involving a phony Twilight with the real deal sitting right besides him. "That's kind of my thing."

"Quite," Twilight replied, spinning around and sitting right behind her laptop.

"And, so," Liam began, "you're all familiar with this stuff? With my work, too?" That explains why they knew my name even though I didn't mention it.

"I'm slightly familiar with your stories, specifically," Twilight replied. "It's just that it's so odd for a writer to use his own real name in doing things."

He snorted. "Yeah, I've long regretted that. But all my friends already know that I, ah, 'fap to horses'." He made air quotes on that last term.

"Yeah, that," Twilight said, rubbing her head with a hoof as she stared at the ground.

"What do you mean 'yeah, that'?" Liam didn't like the sound of like.

"Liam," Rarity called out from above them, and she flew down to his side. "I know that merely asking you point-blank to 'please stop masturbating to me' would be futile." She leaned back, shaking her mane from side to side. "So, I'll just be realistic. Look your best when you do your dirty deeds. Is that okay? I'd much rather see a fine gentlemen in a smart, plain red shirt putting his seed into a washcloth on his hand in a most neat fashion as I glance through their screens... than a slob with a grease-soaked Arcade Fire shirt dripping his seed against his bedsheet as he scratches his hindquarters, not even cleaning up after himself."

"Oh, God!" Liam screamed. They know! They see! They hear!

"It's not as bad as you think," Twilight interrupted, floating over right in front of him, "after all, it's just that we occasionally see you humans in our mirrors, television screens, and so on. It's a rare event. And I've only seen two masturbators this past week. That's not bad at all."

"Speak for yourself!" Rarity called out.

Liam shook from side to side. He couldn't bear another second of this. He felt like going insane. He leaped out of his chair, put his hands against his neck, and he let out an animal-like groan.

"No good!" Twilight yelled, grabbing her ghostly friend. "He's not handling it well!"

"What is it with the Irish-American humans that makes them so overly emotional? Hormones filling their red manes or something?" Rarity asked.

Liam hopped up and down. He cried, stomping his feet against the floor. He seemed to be reverting to a child-like mental state.

"Let's just go," Twilight said, sticking a hoof back into the laptop's screen.

"Finally!" Rarity replied. They both spun around and threw their ghostly bodies into the Toshiba. A bright white light covered the whole laptop. Then, just a matter of seconds later, everything seemed completely back to normal.

Liam opened his eyes. He found himself lying. on the floor of his room with his drink spilled out besides his right hand and his upturned chair besides him. He felt a hard, painful throbbing atop his head. He reached up, and he stroked against his right temple.

"I must have bonked myself against something," he muttered. "Oh, thank Christ, it was just a dream." He yawned. He looked up and to the left at the clock on the wall besides his huge Modest Mouse poster. "1:52am? Even though there's no work tomorrow, that's still too bloody late for doing anything. Even too late for ponies."

*Bang!*

"There's no such thing as too late for ponies!" Pinkie Pie screamed, and her astral projection floated off from high above the ceiling over atop his clock. "Speaking of which, Pinkie.exe is back online!"

"Oh, boy." Liam took a gulp.

"So, what'd I miss?" she asked, waving her transparent-looking hooves in the air in front of her face.

Liam fainted.

The End?