I Think She Really Trusts Me Too Much
Never thought I'd be doing something like this. I always had the idea that the kind of people who write letters to themselves are the ones that are either just starting to go crazy, or are already past the point of no return. Despite everything that I've been through, I'd like to think that I'm perfectly sane. But, being who I am, I realize that if I tell anyone else about this, I'm just going to get the same answer. I gotta let this out, somehow. I keep it held up anymore, and I just might do something I'll regret. No, no, it was way too much work trying to get under the good graces of this town already, I don't wanna do more labor than I have to. So here I am, sitting in a room with my doors and windows locked down tight. No one's going to be looking in or out.
When I first met Twilight Sparkle, she was just like any of the other ponies I'd met at the time - startled, scared and just about ready to shut the doors on me if I so much as looked at her. But I'm assuming her scientific curiosity got the better of that. After all, some new creature never recorded in the books just up and appearing out of the blue? How could she have possibly resisted? At the very least, it gave me the opportunity to prove myself. I'm not going to go into details, but I spoke to her and kept my distance at first. Once she was convinced I wasn't going to start eating her or the other ponies any time soon, we started chatting about things such as my race, what I was like and every other thing that piqued her interest. I found out pretty quick that she had a whole bunch of quirks with her name on them. She loves books and has a need and a knack for organization -- her library’s categorization structure is one of the clearest I've ever seen. She analyzes things to a point that would make any scientist look lazy and carries a dork's aura everywhere she goes. I think she's one of the few people - or ponies - I know of that can actually make being a geek look cute.
Not that she needs to be a geek in order to look cute. She may not be Helen of Troy. Heck, she was far from it through first impressions. But in the time that I spent around her, I quickly learned to love her quirks-- to take them in with a big old grin and even laugh at some of them, though I tried not to for the sake of not looking like a jerk. Not to mention that she was just so pure, a virgin in every sense of the word. She always had this sort of innocence, as if someone had erased the concepts of sex, violence and vulgarity from her mind. If I was still in my world, girls my age would be talking about how much junk their guys have in the trunk and whatnot. Actually, the same could be said of most mares here in Equestria. Not Twilight - though that may have been because her aforementioned obsessions left little room for such thoughts. Although we had a rocky start at first, I warmed up to her. Then, I started to fall for her.
Yep, you heard me right. I fell in love. With a horse.
I know what you're thinking. It's gross. It's disgusting. It's wrong. Trust me, I know. Those were the very first things that came to my mind when I realized just how I felt about her. I would've told her up front, but those thoughts just kept me from taking those final steps! It's times like this that I've come to hate what I was taught back home. Then again, I don't think that anyone's going to ever encounter ponies that are as brightly colored, sentient and human as these ones here. But still, if there was just some thought in our heads that the possibility would come true, then I would've been a lot more prepared for this. In any case, there was a lot of soul-searching I had to do. Part of me wanted to confess so badly-- she was so much more than just some animal. Part of me was disgusted, ashamed that I would have such emotions for something I never had for any other human. At that point in time, I was just so conflicted. I just didn't know what to do, and I was just so frustrated at myself for my inability to decide.
Along came Rainbow Dash. Boy howdy, Rainbow Dash. She was quite the character, too. If this were some sort of high-school show, she would've definitely been the jock to Twilight's nerd. Every part of her could be best summarized in the word "tomboy". She loved exercising herself, competing in anything and against anyone that could challenge her. She was rough, hardy, didn't take anything from anybody and probably used chewed-up stones for spit-dart practice. But as rough around the edges as she was - particularly in my first days of Ponyville - she eventually became one of my closest pals once we got used to each other. She definitely kept me on my toes, but I didn't mind. It kept me from going stale.
It was one of the few times she allowed herself to show a bit of her sweeter side. She found me outside, moping under one of Applejack's Zap Apple trees. Apparently, she’d been trying to find a place to crash, but I’d interrupted her. She prodded me, and it didn't take long for me to spill the beans. Well, I didn't tell her everything - at least, I didn't tell her that it was Twilight that I was attracted to. I just played my words carefully, asked her what she would do if she found herself attracted to something despite that something being forbidden. I was colored surprised by how quickly she answered- she's not exactly a thinker, no offense to her. She told me that it shouldn't matter how forbidden people say it is. As long as I loved her and was sure she could love me back, it was okay. It was such a simple answer, and yet hearing it come from an outside source encouraged me more than anything I could've ever said to myself. My confidence was renewed, and my spirit was raised. I thanked her, spent the next few days making sure I was ready and then moved in to fess up.
And then, when I had finally worked up the nerve to ask Twilight out, it all fell apart. Rainbow had beaten me there the day before.. Not only was I shocked to hear that Rainbow was batting for her own team, but she had confessed that she had feelings for Twilight, too. It probably would've been better if I happened to be listening to their conversation outside the door or window, like those cliche romance drama movies. But no, I had to hear it straight from Twilight's mouth. She felt bad for me, said sorry and everything. Naturally, I had to tell her that it was fine, that I hoped she and Rainbow'd have a good time together. I mean, that's what people are supposed to say, right? Everything's fine, I wish you the best, I hope we can still be friends! I did the right thing, didn't I?
Well, it sure didn't feel like it. When I got back home after a round of walking that lasted well into the night, I headed up into my room and went to town. Shelves were brought down, books were smashed against the wall, glass and plates were shattered into pieces. I destroyed anything and everything I could get my hands on, and I didn't stop until it looked like someone had taken a big old wrecking ball to my house. I'm lucky that the ponies in town sleep like logs in the dead of night; with all the noise I had made, it was a surprise the whole neighborhood hadn't zeroed in on me. Call me childish, I know it was. But I was just so angry, so upset with Rainbow Dash for stealing my chance away, so frustrated with myself for not being quick enough in getting over myself and so ticked off at Twilight for saying yes in the first place. You know what? It's been several months and I'm still boiling. I feel like knocking over more stuff, but all that's gonna do is leave me with another mess to clean up.
I never let that show around either Twilight or Rainbow. I still stick around Twilight most of the time, playing the role of her close buddy as I always have. When Rainbow comes around, she greets us both with affection. But when she kisses Twilight ,she's completely unaware of just how torn up I am - something that I've made sure to hide. When she asked about it - or rather, the interpretation of the problem I gave her - I told her that the girl I was after rejected me. The good news about saying it was that it was a half-truth, so it wasn't very hard to keep myself off of her radar. She offered her condolences, and as per the standard requirements, I acknowledged them. After all, she's trusting me. She trusts me as a friend and a confidant, someone to support her all the way. I show her just how I feel about this issue, and she's going to turn on me. She's going to think I betrayed her, all so that I could have Twilight for myself. I mean, she's not exactly wrong, but I'm not going to be the villain here. Not me, of all people.
She's not the only one I have to keep my feelings under wraps near. If I tell any of the others, chances are that they'll call me out for being the bad guy. They'll tell me to shape up, that I should be happy for the new couple. But what do they know? They don't know what it's like. They don't know what it's like to build yourself up for the greatest moment of your life, only for the carpet to be yanked from underneath your feet. They don't know the feeling of preparing to go on stage, only for someone else to jump on and steal your entire act! What do they know, those ~~stupid little~~
Stopped myself before I could finish that nasty thought. Need to cool my head, need to think about this.
I just... I just don't know. As much as I love Twilight, I also respect Rainbow. I consider her to be someone close to me, although she'd never be as close as I'd like to be to Twilight. I know that this jealousy is wrong, and that I shouldn't be feeling it. She won, I lost, I should cut my losses and move on with my life. But I can't help but hope that something happens. Maybe she'd take an interest in another mare and decide that the egghead was too boring for her. Maybe she'd take too long on a trip with the Wonderbolts. Maybe she'd get into some sort of accident that'd leave her in a coma, or ~~better~~ worse, take her life. Twilight would be alone, and I'd get a chance to make up for lost time. I could sweep her off her hooves, make her forget all about Rainbow Dash and focus on me. Yes, I know that these are terrible thoughts and that I shouldn't be thinking them, but what else is there to do? As much as I should move on, I can't. I don't have it in me. I can't stop thinking about Twilight in that way.
I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it for now. I'll figure something out, eventually. For now, I'll just put this letter someplace. I probably should burn it, I probably shouldn't. I'll think about it later, when I've finally gotten rid of this pain in my head and my chest.
With love,
[REDACTED]
