Hearts and Hooves Day Massacre

by Anonymoose

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Dark, Anthro, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2317

Twilight Sparkle is perfectly happy with her dateless Hearts and Hooves Day. Just because all her friends have dates and she doesn't. What does that matter?

Twilight Sparkle is perfectly happy with her dateless Hearts and Hooves Day. Just because all her friends have dates and she doesn't. What does that matter?

Inspired by something I heard on the Bronycon Shipping and Romance panel. So you can kinda blame scoots2 for this, but only barely.

Published 2015-11-02 14:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-02 14:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Twilight trailed her finger listlessly around the rim of her wine glass.

It wasn’t fair. Everyone seemed to have a Hearts and Hooves Day date except her. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were currently out paddling on the lake in a swan boat. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were currently engaged in what Rainbow described extreme abseiling make-outs.

At least, that is what it sounded like to Twilight when she’d heard. Why else the two would need so many ropes and suspension hooks.

Even Spike—Spike—of all ~~ponies~~dragons managed to convince Rarity to go on a date with him! Twilight did not like to think about the ramifications of her twelve-year-old psuedo-brother dating her twenty-six year old friend. She hoped her friend wouldn’t be getting a visit from the Royal Guard any time soon, but it wouldn’t be the first time her mentor had paid off a guard or two for her or her friends.

Even her mentor, Princess Celestia, had a date! Sure, it was with her sister, but who was Twilight to judge what ancient-alicorns-who-have-watched-numerous-lovers-succumb-to-age do in their spare time. It’s not like she wouldn’t have been happy to be the hay in their princess sandwich. No, not at all.

She was perfectly happy to sit here, in her library, reading terrible Harlequin romance novels while drinking herself into a stupor. She was perfectly happy to look forward to a night alone, crying while dry humping her pillow and falling asleep.

I mean, that’s how she spends every night, so why would she care if on this one night that she would be doing the same. You know, instead of being somewhere getting hot princest action?

Or any action. At all.

Nope, she didn’t care.

She would be happy to just stay at home and be the only single person in all of Equestria.

This is why she was shocked when her front door exploded in a burst of magic, and another Twilight Sparkle stepped through the door, a shotgun in one hand and a katana in the other.

The new Twilight looked at the totally-not-lonely Twilight and spoke.

“Come with me if you want to live!”

“What’s going on?” Twilight yelled as New-Twilight dragged her through the streets.

“Less talk, more guns!” New-Twilight yelled back.

This was ridiculous. Ponyville didn’t have any guns, Equestria having banned them over forty years ago.

New-Twilight cocked the lever action of her shotgun and blasted through the door to Quills and Sofas and stepped through. Twilight scrambled in behind her.

Davenport paid no attention to the pair as New-Twilight leapt over the counter. He was too busy laying across a chaise longue with his tongue trapped in Berry Punch’s throat.

A click then a grinding noise drew Twilight’s attention back to what New-Twilight was doing. The rear wall behind the counter flipped over, replacing the imported cushions and throw-rugs with semi-automatic rifles, knives, batons… and even a rocket launcher.

“Oh, baby, where have you been all my life?” New-Twilight cooed as she ran her fingers along the cool length of the rocket launcher. “You are definitely coming home with me!

“Catch, newb!” she said as she tossed shotgun across the counter towards Twilight.

Twilight caught the gun in her magic. “What is— I don’t even… I don’t even know how to use one of these things!”

“You’ll learn pretty quick in the next week, trust me!”

“Wait! You’re from the future? Again?” Twilight yelled. “Didn’t you, I mean, I… didn’t we learn our lesson last time?”

“There are extenuating circumstances that required—”

“What extenuating circumstances would require us to travel backwards in time and risk damaging the space time continuum…” Twilight grunted as she caught more weapons in her magic. “And furthermore, what circumstances would require us to need more weapons than the Equestrian Army‽”

“These extenuating circumstances,” New-Twilight replied as she leveled her gun at Twilight.

“Wait, don’t—”

Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

“Duck, you idiot!”

Twilight dove to the floor and covered her ears as two loud shots rang out. She screamed as a sticky, green, viscous fluid splattered all over her back.

“Get up, newb!” New-Twilight yelled. “They know I’m here!”

Twilight looked down at the bodies of Davenport and Berry Punch. New-Twilight’s shots had blown away their entire faces.

“Oh Celestia, I think I am going to throw up!” Twilight retched.

“You’ll see a lot worse before today is out!” New-Twilight said, pulling the other pony to her feet. “Now lock-and-load, we got two patient-zeroes to take out!”

Twilight screamed as Cheerilee’s face split in three. Three tongues lashed out from the maw that was once Big Mac’s face towards the mare, but were stopped short of touching her by New-Twilight’s blade. Another two shots of ‘Old-Faithful’, as New-Twilight was fond of calling her shotgun, and Tatzlwurm-Pony hybrids dropped to the ground, their former skulls and maws splattered across the alleyway wall of Quills and Sofas.

“What were they?” Twilight screamed. “One minute they were necking each other in an alleyway, then they were attacking us!”

“Alien Shipping Symbiotes,” New-Twilight replied as she plugged an extra two rounds into the fallen bodies.

“Alien what-whats?”

“Alien Shipping Symbiotes,” New-Twilight reiterated. “In my timeline, we were too late, we didn’t recognise the signs soon enough! We might not be too late for yours…”

“What signs? What do you mean? What turns—”

“You have probably seen them yourself, Twilight.” New-Twilight reloaded her gun. “Think… all of a sudden, two or more ponies who have never met, or have never shown interest in each other before, all of a sudden going all goo-goo eyes over each other. Ponies who have never shown an interest in romance, or the same gender, or the opposite gender, what ever… all of a sudden snuggling each other’s brains out?

“Ponies… even dragons… who have never shown any predisposition to foalophilia… inexplicably start dating.” New-Twilight ducked her head around the corner. “Okay, coast is clear. We need to find patient-zeroes.”

“So what, just because some ponies act out of character, all of a sudden they’re—”

“Possessed by Alien Shipping Symbiotes, yeah,” Twilight replied. “Come on, we need to make our way down town. Hopefully we’ll get there without any more encounters.”

New-Twilight dashed out from her cover and commando rolled into a bush just as Caramel and Sassaflash walked by.

“Come on, newb!” New-Twilight hissed. “We got symbiotes to kill!”

Twilight held her breath as she dashed across the street. She tumbled and landed on her ass as she attempted the same maneuver New-Twilight had.

New-Twilight smirked. “Nice one!”

“You made it look so easy,” Twilight grumbled.

Another skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! sounded in the distance.

“What was that?” Twilight whispered.

“That was the queens! Buck! They know we’re here!” New-Twilight cursed. “Well, looks like you’re starting the accelerated learning course on using those things. Follow my lead!”

New-Twilight dove out of the bush and rolled, landing underneath Mayor Mare and Derpy. She planted the barrel of her shotgun under Mayor Mare’s muzzle and fired, the green viscous goo splattering everywhere. At the same time, she swung her katana and sliced the clumsy mare’s head clean off.

“I just don’t know what went wrong, bitch!” New-Twilight spat.

“Look out!” Twilight screamed as Carrot Top and Noteworthy lept towards New-Twilight. Forty bullets flew out of twin TEC-9’s in Twilight’s hands, spraying wildly as she fired.

She panted, staring in horror as the two bodies slumped to the ground.

“Nice shooting, newb,” New-Twilight replied from behind her shield. “Next time, make sure you don’t empty the clips, and don’t fire on friendlies. Now come on, we gotta move!”

Twilight dropped her TEC-9s, as she’d not brought a spare clip, and pulled the CQBR off her back.

“Remember, we’ve only got so much ammo, so make each shot count! Don’t just hold the damn trigger down!”

The screeching sounds was much louder here.

“This is Lyra and Bonbon’s house!” Twilight yelled as she pulled her machete from Aloe’s split skull.

“Patient Zeroes!” New-Twilight yelled as she rammed a M67 down Lotus’ gaping maw.

“They don’t get to have names anymore, Twilight!” she yelled, kicking Lotus away before the grenade exploded. “They’re not your friends, they’re the enemy, and it starts with them!”

“But I’ve known Lyra and Bon—”

“Patient Zeroes!”

“Fine! I’ve know Patient Zeroes for years! There’s nothing going on between them! They’re just friends.”

“Pfft, yeah, best friends. Read between the lines, Twi!” New-Twilight scoffed as she planted two micro-explosives on the hinges of the door. “Clear!”

A sharp bang and the door fell away, letting a horrendous odour out of the house. The sound of something like moaning mixed with a skreeeee came from upstairs.

“Oh Celestia,” Twilight gagged. “What is that smell?”

“That’s the smell of two best friends ‘best friending’ each others brains out. Damn it!” New-Twilight cursed. “We’ve got no time left! We can’t risk them making more queens! Set the charges, if we can take these bitches out soon enough, we might be able to slow this infestation!”

Twilight placed the charges where New-Twilight had instructed, while New-Twilight fought off wave after wave of infected ponies.

“Charges all set!” Twilight yelled as she rounded the corner. She panicked as she saw New-Twilight being over-run by the infected ponies. She dove towards New-Twilight, grasping her hand.

“See you in Tartarus, you mother-buckers!” New-Twilight spat, before hitting the detonator switch.

Twilight’s world dissolved into white.

“What happened?” Twilight asked as she looked up towards the smoldering wreck that was once Lyra and Bonbon’s home.

“Nice teleport, newb!” New-Twilight said as she stood. “Thought we were going to be toast there.”

“I did this?”

“Yeah,” New-Twilight replied. “Hone those instincts and we’ll make a freedom-fighter out of you yet!”

“So what now?”

“We killed the queens, so now, we survive!” New-Twilight replied. “We have to wait out until dawn. Without their queens, the symbiotes will die.”

“What about the infected?” Twilight asked.

“Not sure what’ll happen to the ponies… best case, they just wake up with a headache… and some dead loved-ones.”

“We can wait out in the library! I’ve got a defensive shield enchantment ready to go, in case of CMC emergencies.”

“Then let’s go, newb!”

Making their way downtown, walking fast, shotguns a blast, they were homebound.

Twilight pushed through the door while New-Twilight followed behind, mowing down hordes of infected ponies with a gattling gun.

Twilight slammed the door shut and lit her horn, activating the library’s defenses. She hoped that anyone else uninfected caught outside the field would survive the night, but she was pretty sure she was the last uninfected pony left.

Well, second-last uninfected pony.

“Got any cider?” New-Twilight asked.

“Sure, in the fridge.”

“Great! Haven’t had any cider since Rainbow and Applejack started face-bucking.” New-Twilight cracked open the bottle, sighing as it touched her lips.

“Wait! You said that you are from one week from now… how is there no cider?”

“When you have to shoot your friends in the face… you get into some heavy drinking.”

Both Twilight’s sat in silence, listening to the pounding of the ponies on the shield outside.

“This is not how I wanted the spend my Hearts and Hooves Day,” Twilight groaned.

“Could be worse!” New-Twilight replied.

“How could it be any worse?”

“You could be one of those guys out there,” New-Twilight said, pointing her shotgun at the door. “Or one of the ones we’ve already dealt with.”

Vorp.

“Uhh, vorp?” New-Twilight asked.

“The shield is down!” Twilight yelled. “How is the… oh no! Spike was out there!”

“So?” New-Twilight said. “It’s not like… oh, wait, we gave him the key to the spell, incase he locked himself out, didn’t we.”

Twilight nodded, fear shining in her eyes.

“Time to get to the basement, newb!” New-Twilight yelled as she fired a shot through the door. A familiar scream echoed from the other side.

Both Twilights dashed towards the basement door, slamming it shut behind them. They levitated everything they could to barricade the door.

The sound of ponies bashing on the door shook the otherwise quiet basement.

“Oh Celestia,” Twilight cried, holding her legs to her chest and rocking herself. “I’m going to die! I’m going to die!”

“You’re not going to die!” New-Twilight yelled. “We just have to wait it out. Without any queens, they’ll die! We’ll make it, Twi!”

“I’m going to die, by myself, in my basement,” Twilight sobbed.

“Uhh, you know I am here, right?”

“You are me, ergo I am alone in my basement… oh no!”

“What?”

“I’m going to die alone, in my basement… and I’m going to die a virgin!”

“Oh… uhhh…”

“I am going to die alone in my basement a virgin! Can there be no crueler fate?”

“You know…” New-Twilight trailed off.

“What?”

“Well, I’m here… you don’t have to die, uhhh, you know.”

“What? You? Me? Us? Both of me?”

“Yeah, I am pretty sure that barricade will hold.”

Twilight looked at her counterpart, really looked at her. She was exceptionally attractive, if your could ignore the green goo that covered her clothes from head to toe.

And who would be a better, more gentle lover for her first time, than herself? She’d know all the right buttons to push.

“Okay,” Twilight said.

New-Twilight pulled her top off, wiping her face with the cleanest part. She unhooked her bra and let her breasts fall free. She straddled a very-nervous Twilight, and planted a kiss on her cheek.

She helped Twilight remove her top, and ran her fingers along the inside of Twilight’s thigh.

“Be gentle,” Twilight moaned.

“Mmmm,” New-Twilight hummed into Twilight’s neck.

“Mmmm, that’s nice.”

“Just one last thing, Twilight,” New-Twilight whispered in Twilight’s ear.

“What’s that?”

Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Author's Note

Seriously, this was inspired by the Bronycon panel, about Alien Shipping Syndrome. Not sure if this story has been done before or not, but eh, I laughed.