Ursa Major vs Godzilla
Starring: An Ursa Major, Godzilla, and Pinkie Pie!
Terrified ponies scattered, screaming as they ran, flew, or teleported away from the scene of the greatest disaster to hit their kingdom since Discord: stupidity and gullibility of the youth.
The day had started out simply enough: a blue unicorn had arrived, claiming to have traveled far and wide across the land of Equestria, and began putting on a show for the locals of Manehatten, and, as nearly everyone in the crowd had suspected, had exaggerated her journeys and encounters with various dangerous creatures, but it was entertaining in the way that Princess Luna swooping over the city and laughing evilly on Nightmare Night with her night guards trailing after was amusing. Unfortunately, a few of the younger, more impressionable unicorns, who aspired one day to be adventurers themselves had decided to 'prove their neigh-saying friends wrong' and ran off to the nearest known location of a hibernating Ursa Major, whom were known to hibernate longer than even a Dragon, and woke it up and had it chase them back to town. Needless to say, it didn't go quite the way they'd expected, and had been quite dismayed to discover that Trixie was only putting on a show.
Two miles outside of the city, Pinkie Pie was happily humming her cupcake-making theme song while idly flipping through a baking magazine while her seat-mate was covering his ears with his hoofs and grimacing. Please, Celestia make her stop make her stop MAKE HER STOP!
Pinkie Pie was currently making a large-scale delivery for a large party that a childhood friend of the Cakes was going to be holding for his twin nieces, whom also had a friend of their own that had been born on the same day. Rather than have two separate parties and then have them go to his next week he had volunteered to make one huge party for all three of them at the same time. Because of this, he had ordered a large number of baked goods for the multiple foals and adults that would be attending.
As soon as Pinkie Pie heard the words 'planned party' she hopped up and down in place several times and begged the Cakes to allow her to make the delivery even though it was her day off. After a little hesitation interrupted by one of their babies crying for attention they agreed and gave her a literal heaping-wheelbarrow full of cookies to deliver. Pinkie Pie happily wheeled it to the train station like one of Lyra's favorite mythical creatures would, bought a ticket, and then waited for the train. When it arrived she insisted on getting the tasty baked goods to the storage area herself, and then when it was locked safely away in a safe that she herself had brought (though the security guard that later came along had to wonder who had put it there and how it had squeezed through a door one-third its size).
As the train neared the town its emergency brakes locked and the wheels screeched and slid on the track for a bit more than a minute, throwing half of everypony forward onto the seats (or other passengers) in front of them. After Pinkie picked herself back up she dropped the magazine on her original seat and propped her unconscious seat-buddy back up on his seat, then, like many other ponies, stuck her head out of a window to look at the front of the train to see why they'd stopped. There seemed to be nothing in front of them, to Pinkie's confusion, but then an elderly pony pointed at the city they were approaching and screamed, followed by many other screams and a few 'cool, mom!' as a huge pink monster rampaged through Manhatten.
Pinkie stared wide-eyed for a few seconds, and then against the wishes of the conductor's assistants, ran to the back of the train, got her delivery (and safe, as some greedy and clever pony might crack the number code before she got back and eat the baked goods she'd been entrusted with) and started heading for the town on hoof so she could deliver the cookies and have the party before the monster destroyed the place entirely.
Meanwhile Trixie was, for the second time, running out of a town as fast as she could go, this time taking care not to leave her show-wagon behind, as it had been humiliating to go back and get it the previous time. It was while she was fleeing that Pinkie Pie happened to whoosh by her in a pink blur.
Trizie's head whipped around and stared at the retreating line of pink. What the heck was that? A loud crash sounded nearby as the Ursa, who was rather put-out at having been woken up seventy five years too early, tore off the top of one of the taller buildings in Manehatten and threw it across the city and roared at the pegasi and unicorns that were just now trying to get rid of it or lead it out of the city. They were not having much success, and one of them even got eaten. Trixie resumed running.
Meanwhile Pinkie Pie arrived at the place of delivery in time to see the pony of delivery placement evacuating his family.
“Cakes Delivery service!” Pinkie called out in a sing-song voice. “Here's your cookies! Please sign here!” Pinkie Pie held out a piece of paper on a clipboard with a pen clipped to it. She was ignored. “'Scuse me!” She said after a minute, still cheerful. The party's host stopped a moment, gave her a look of disbelief, then screamed and ran the other way, leaving Pinkie wondering if something was on her face. She licked it with her abnormally-long tongue and found nothing, and rubbed the side of her head with a hoof. “Hmm...” A long shadow suddenly enveloped her body and she looked down at it, curious.
Suddenly a large pink clawed paw grabbed the wheelbarrow in front of her and began lifting it up. Seeing this Pinkie gasped and lunged for the handles of the wheelbarrow but missed and landed on her tummy. Dismayed, Pinkie looked up to see the Ursa Major hold the baked goods above its head and dump the contents into its mouth.
Pinkie gasped again, staring open-mouthed as the Cakes' hard work just went down the tubes. I didn't even deliver it properly! She thought sadly, the corners of her eyes tearing up as she looked at the unsigned delivery sheet.
Above and behind her, the Ursa belched loudly, licked the sides of its mouth, and then tossed the wheelbarrow half a mile behind it, where it landed on the wagon of a cabbage-selling pale-green earth pony.
“My cabbages!” He wailed, and then sank to his knees and wept. Pinkie herself was sniffling, her hair having deflated as well at a failed job that the Cakes had trusted her with, but unlike the cabbage salespony, her depression didn't last long until it turned to anger.
Steam coming from her ears Pinkie marched away from the middle of the scene of cookie-destruction and stopped at the edge of it and folded it and stepped out into the white, not-yet-drawn part of it. That meany! I'll teach HER to come terrorize a city and eat my delivery food!
Meanwhile, in the city of Tokyo in one of the Human universes ([url]http://youtu.be/7zhJljblPcY[/url)was heard as once more the dreaded powerful lightning-breathing lizard Godzilla was on a rampage again.
“What you mean Godzilla attacking again?!” The Japanese man using not-great-but-not-terrible English whilst his mouth-movements dictated otherwise yelled into a telephone in his office. “Send our tanks!”
“Godzilla blow them up already!” A voice on the other side replied in a panicked tone. “No! It coming this way! AAGH!” The sound of an explosion on the other of the line followed by a dial tone was heard by everyone in the room with the general and he lowered the phone with a combination of frustration and pity on his face.
“Poor men. We should have seen this coming...What we do now?” He looked out of a window as several helicopters flew by the windows on what would no doubt be a suicide mission. “Damn lizard be death of us all!”
“Ooooo! That big lizard sure is strong!” Said a cutesy voice from the left of the general. “Wow! He just picked up a bus and-” she gagged. “it's...eating the people in it...” The general rolled his eyes.
“Yes, that what Godzilla do-” He looked down originally with a frown but stared at the sight of a cartoon-pink pony standing on its hind legs with its face and fore hoofs pressed against the glass like an eager child. He continued to stare as she pulled out a pet carrying case from behind her side and pulled out a small alligator with purple eyes and no teeth and set it on her head.
“You see that guy, Gummy? I bet he could beat that big, mean Ursa Major! What do you think?” She turned her eyes up to look at the alligator, which blinked, but said nothing. “But how am I supposed to get that close?!” She turned her head and looked at the general, who stared, dumbfounded. “Hey you! Do you think you could get me close to that guy over there?” She pointed a leg at Godzilla.
“It actually she, if scientists are right.”
“A she? Ooo! Me too!” The pink pony began hopping up and down in place, although the general was quite certain that this was impossible for horses to accomplish. “I also like cupcakes do you think she likes cupcakes do you like cupcakes-” She bounded forward, pulled a cupcake from nowhere and stuffed it into the general's gaping mouth. He coughed several times, but was of the mind to not waste food and chewed and swallowed. It was, (unsurprisingly, given how weird this situation already was) quite delicious. A bit too sweet, though. And pink. Very much pink, as his reflection with pink-stained teeth told him.
“Besides, Godzilla destroy anything that get near her. Not safe.” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes.
“Well duh! You are attacking her! I'd be mad too! Haven't you tried just asking her nicely to go away?” The general stared at her. “Obviously not! But if she's just mad and wants to hit something I know the perfect place!”
Suddenly the pink pony zipped behind his desk and did not come back out again. The general and his secretary, who stood at the door stared for a moment, then shared a look at one another, and then checked behind the desk. The pink pony was gone.
Pinkie Pie had a leg on her forehead, squinting in the bright light of all the fires the giant lizard had started. Currently she and her trusty pet gummy were hanging from the skid of a helicopter as it flew towards the rampaging solution to her problem. The pilot had initially freaked out when she appeared in the empty co-pilot's seat, but given that it was a news chopper and she offered him lunch to go the direction he was going anyway-
“Then the author got lazy and decided to leave out the story-filling in favor of just dropping me, Godzilla, and Gummy back in Manehatten to fight the Ursa! Which is great, you know, because nobody really wanted to read all that stuff anyway and just wanted to read about the fight, right Mr...World-Walker 128??? You've got a weird name! You look funny, too!”
”This coming from a talking pink pony that can pick things up with her hoofs and whose name involves a color and a type of food.”
“Actually, my full name is Pinkimena Diane Pie, but for some reason every time I say it to you Humans most of you suddenly get a scared look on your faces and hide all your sharp objects!”
“Well, that has a lot to do with a well-written but dark story in which an evil version of you does unspeakable things to Rainbow Dash written by a guy calling himself Sargent Sprinkles. Don't take it personal.”
“Sargent Sprinkles? Ooo! Does he like cupcakes?” The author made a awkward-moment sound. And Pinkie tilted her head to one side.
“You...could say that...” Pinkie Pie got a suspicious look on her face, followed by a sickened one.
“You don't mean he...likes likes cupcakes, do you? Eww! That's gross!”
“No, no, no! Not like that! He- never mind, the whole of your universe is better off not reading that story, just trust me. It could destroy friendships.” Pinkie gasped and placed her hoofs on either side of her mouth like in the 'Scream' painting.
“Destroy friendships?! That's awful! I'll get back to the script you're writing right away! Let us never speak of this again!' as Rarity, would say!” The author nodded, and Pinkie jumped back into the computer monitor that was far too small for her from whence she came.
Godzilla, having appeared in a new setting, was not happy, but then, whenever is Godzilla happy save in the cartoon?
On the other side of Manehatten, the Ursa caught a new scent and looked up from a bakery that she was devouring the contents of. Across from her stood a creature she'd never seen before. It was big, it was green and black, it had spikes on his back, sharp teeth, and it had a small pink dot on its head with an even smaller green one on top of the pink one. Something as big as me that is not another Ursa?! It bared its teeth and snarled. This is an affront to nature and must be destroyed!
“Wow, Zilly! That thing has some pretty sophisticated thoughts for a rampaging bear-monster!” Pinky exclaimed from her spot on Godzilla's head. Godzilla emitted a soft growl and lightly nodded. “Woah!” Pinkie gripped a spine on the back of Godzilla's head and hung on tightly. “Maybe I should have thought out my position better! But too late! Let's show that big bear who's the biggest and baddest monster in this fic!”
Godzilla let out its trademark roar and began stomping across the city, crushing everything stupid enough to be in its way. The Ursa did the same. Pinkie Pie gripped the spike with all four hoofs and Gummy clamped down harder on her mane.
The two met above a fountain and the Ursa swung a paw the size of a small house at Godzilla's head. Godzilla countered with its own claws and swiped the Ursa across its belly, doing almost no damage but succeeding in drawing blood nonetheless and in annoying it. The Ursa roared again and grabbed Godzilla's head with both paws and headbutted Godzilla, causing Godzilla to stumble back a few steps and nearly throwing Pinkie Pie off Godzilla's head. Godzilla crashed into the pony-equivalent of a skyscraper and knocked over the top half of it, but the building saved Godzilla from a fall and she quickly got back to her feet as the Ursa stomped forward again. Godzilla narrowed her eyes and began inhaling enough air to feed a tornado.
“Are you a Dragon, Zilly?” Pinkie Pie shouted over the noise caused by the wind. 'Zilly' did not answer and instead stopped inhaling. Blue light raced up her spine and passed through Pinkie, who felt only a tingling sensation since the electricity was inside the spines and spikes. “What was that?” Another surprise awaited Pinkie in her near future as Godzilla opened its mouth a little wider and then exhaled a long breath of blue electric energy that crackled as it seared the air around it.
The Ursa's eyes opened really big as the energy raced towards it, and quickly dove to the ground, wasting Zilly's attack but leaving itself vulnerable to more physical blows, which Godzilla quickly advanced to take advantage of and picked the toppled bit of skyscraper up and ran forward with the point of it facing in front of her like a lance. The Ursa rolled, crushing several smaller buildings and horse-drawn carriages, and one hot dog stand, and the building speared empty space. The Ursa swatted the tower-top with a paw and then got back to its feet as Godzilla dropped the tower-top and swiped at the Ursa again, missing once more.
The Ursa whirled, searched for something on the ground to throw, and settled on a giant cup of coffee that was on top of a coffee bar as an advertisement. Though the cup was fake, it was still heavy, and still had a hollow middle that normally acted as a vent for the shop. As it was now, however, it made a lovely hat and mask after it was shoved down on top of Godzilla's head, once again putting poor Pinkie's continued existence in jeopardy. While Godzilla flailed its arms a bit and then began pushing at the lip of the cup in an attempt to uncover its head The Ursa kicked Godzilla, who stumbled back once more, then while Godzilla was off balance took the opportunity to bite one of her arms hard. Godzilla roared in pain, and raked the claws of its free hand(?) against the neck of the Ursa, digging through its fur and gouging an unpleasant injury that forced the Ursa to choose between releasing its enemy's arm, or having its throat ripped open, which was, of course, no debate. Blood sprayed from Godzilla's injury and dripped from the Ursa's teeth, but Godzilla ignored the pain, and instead mildly admired its foe's powerful jaws a moment before tearing up a tall lamp post and used it to whack the Ursa over the head.
The post left hardly a mark, but was bent beyond usefulness and Godzilla promptly tossed it away and ripped up another. The Ursa did the same and over the expended use of nearly twenty posts they fought as if in a duel from the 1700's in England until the street they were on ran out of light posts and then the two returned to brawling like two drunken bar patrons. Godzilla, at Pinkie's urging, added credit to this comparison by pulling up a giant champagne bottle that had been on the front of a large classy restaurant and clobbered the Ursa across the face with it. The Ursa staggered, and Godzilla whacked it again, this time in the stomach. The Ursa doubled over and Godzilla finished its combo-attack by breaking the bottle on its head, leaving a big bump.
But our pissed pink palooka wasn't down for the count yet, and latched a paw around Godzilla's left leg and pulled it out from under Zilly, then while Zilla struggled for balance the Ursa shoved the foot and Godzilla once more fell over backwards, collapsing the cobbled streets into the sewers and toppling several more buildings, some of which fell onto Godzilla.
Pinkie climbed up onto Godzilla's face as she fell, and then held on until the great lizard had settled. Pinkie tapped Godzilla's face and asked if she was okay. Godzilla moaned and pulled a crushed statue of Prince Blueblood out from under her head.
“Oh, I can see why you'd have a headache over him!” (Ba-dum, tish!) “But other than that are you alright? I bet that bear has a bigger headache than you!” Pinkie looked over her shoulder at the Ursa Major, which was slowly rising back to its hind paws again. “Come on, Zilly! You can't give up, now!” Pinkie slid off of Godzilla's face and began pushing at the large body, trying with futile effort to help Godzilla up. Godzilla, humored by the pink creature, once more rose and lifted the pony-equivalent of a tour bus (still with ponies in it) from the ground and threw it at the Ursa. The Pegasi tourists flew out of the bus and scattered, all of them fleeing the scene and screaming for Celestia to come save them. The Ursa caught it out of the air and roared again and hefted it like a baseball bat and ran at Zilly like a barbarian. Godzilla fired more of its lightning-breath at the Ursa, which once more tried to dodge it, but the bus, being still in the air, conducted the electricity and shocked the living daylights out of it.
Now smoking, and with stars circling its head, the Ursa stumbled forward, slipped on a giant banana peel costume from Celestia's favorite banana shop, and landed on a inflatable waving-legs-pony, which cushioned its fall.
Wanting to finish the job, Godzilla stalked forward and stopped before its nearly-beaten foe and snorted. The Ursa lifted its eyes up to look at the slightly-shorter-than-it enemy and then waited to see what would come next. Godzilla bent over and gripped the Ursa's middle, and then, the effort a continuous struggle lifted the Ursa above its head and began to spin its body around. After whirling several times and eliciting a dizzy reaction from the ponies that were watching from any un-toppled skyscrapers hurled the other monster into the air and into the distance.
Godzilla bared its teeth in a scary grin and raised its clawed fists to the air and roared once more, this one louder than its others that day and shot lightning off into the sky in triumph.
Later that week Pinkie Pie was once more making a big delivery, but this one was a personal trip, and not to any place that a pony normally wanted to go to. Behind her on a large cart stood a cake half as tall as a typical tool shed, with the big words 'THANK YOU'! Written on them.
Pinkie Pie stopped briefly to rest at the top of a grassy hill and sighed, taking care to place wheel locks in place first. Pinkie Pie was on the opposite side of the Everfree forest, where the land was not rolling fields and pretty flowers, but instead was mostly mountainous. There was not much that lived there, and most of what did were ugly or ferocious creatures-
“Hold on, you!” Pinkie said loudly, sticking her head once more through the author's computer screen. “The fight scene's over! Why are you making me take this great long trip into the middle of nowhere for?!”
“Wait and see. You'll like it, Pinks. I promise.” Pinkie gave the author a critical stare, and then returned to her rightful place. ”Besides, its not like it was you who had to fight the big bear-thing.”
-that normally grew to be as large as a Manticor, if not larger. However, this suited its most recent denizen quite well.
Pinkie Pie rested for an hour, and then once more was on her way, taking care not to jostle the cake too much as she followed the barely-recognizable path through the wilderness.
Finally, after more than three days' worth of travel Pinkie Pie reached her destination: the sea shore. Pinkie Pie once more locked the wheels and then trotted happily, albeit a bit exhausted, to the water and pulled a metal device with two buttons on it that she'd acquired during one of her other-walled travels and pressed the red one. A low humming sound emitted from the device and Pinkie sat down on the sand to wait. Four minutes later the ocean seemed to erupt in an eighth of a mile from shore and Godzilla's head became visible, as did more of its body as she came closer.
When Godzilla was close enough that Pinkie Pie wouldn't have to shout to be heard Pinkie pointed at the large cake she'd carted across the land and informed Godzilla that it was a 'thank you' cake for getting rid of the Ursa Major. Godzilla lowered her head, sniffed it, licked it, then grinned and picked the whole cake up with its tongue and happily munched on it and swallowed. Pinkie grinned.
Meanwhile, back in Manehatten Celestia was frowning at her little sister. Celestia had received word of the rampaging Ursa rather quickly and had sent Luna to deal with it, but instead of getting rid of the monsters, she had made some popcorn, purchased a large soft drink, and had sat herself down on a cloud to watch the fight instead.
“It was most entertaining, sister! Such strength! Such resourcefulness for weaponry! Were we only to be able to witness it again! It rivaled in large-scale what used to happen in the coliseums of old before you banned them!” Celestia sighed and face-hoofed.
Why didn't I send Twilight instead?
