A clueless flamingo

by Loc

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 5056

During the fulfilment of a bet, a young man buys good shades and punches a certain good-for-nothing in the face. Now he wakes up in a certain place. "Have my legs always been that hairy?"

The price to loose the bet has been to walk a whole day as an anime character. Lucian had the splendid idea to go to America to fulfill this very debt. Where can one walk around in a costume and not be embarrassing? At a convention of course!

Huh? Where is my best friend now? A shady dude who sells a perfect replica of glasses? Why does it look like my friend punched you? Makeup? I could swear that's exactly the imprint of my friends fist. If I want the shades? Sure but I only have ten dollars. Thanks but why are you laughing? Wait a second! You tricked me! Embrace my knuckles!

Then he wakes up in a gloomy looking forest, but that's okay. He is a martial artist, he just has to wait for his friend to pick him up soon. Until then he can just meddle with the locals and train. Nothing bad could happen right?

——————————————-

Displaced Story X One Piece

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-10 18:56:29 UTC

Debt fulfilled!

(Everfree forest roughly a decade before the return of Nightmare Moon)

Lucian just stood there in the middle of a path, grinning and with his right hand on his head. Surrounding him were dark trees and eerie plants of many different sizes and shapes. Lesser people would have said this forest was scary and unsettling, but for Lucian it was just cute, because it didn't look scary.

In his left, he continued to throw three teeth up and caught them before they could ever reach the ground. He had punched them out from the bastard, who was responsible for this situation. After a while he caught them for the last time and put them in his pockets.

Still grinning and without as much as the sound of moving fabric, he took out his smartphone.

He pushed the button on the side and holds it in the air.

No connection... Well, I tried.

As he turned off the phone, he froze in shock. His face was completely expressionless. The reflection on the screen showed that his chin was much more square and pronounced, just like the character his costume represented. His hair was fair and his skin had a slight tan. The worst was that he didn't had any eyebrows.

"What the-"

He stood still again at the sound of his deep and dark voice. He knew that voice very well and unfortunately, it was not just a sore throat. He inspected his whole body and was more than mildly annoyed. He had gained quite a deal of muscle-mass and had far more hair on the legs than he would be comfortable with. He looked just like Donquixote Doflamingo, except that the clothes were not as good as the ones he had on at the convention.

My clothes are less stylish as before? What is this shit! It took me much money and time to make my costume more than perfect. Even the earrings are just plain and boring.Where are the ornaments? The white shirt is less frilly and my feather coat on the back isn't really as  fluffy anymore. Did that bastard steal my stuff and put me in this junk? Where are my other shades?

He patted his body up and down in search for his second pair of shades. Long story short, he never found them. While he frowned, he began picking his right ear with his pinky finger. Suddenly he started to panic.

"Wait a second, why am I concerned with my clothes? There are much more important things like- Oh shit! Please don't!"

After that, he hastily took a  look around and saw the greenish sea-bag he took to the convention. He hatily rushed over, quickly squatted down and opened it to see if anything was missing.

Wallet, lighter, water bottle, spare clothes, smokes, aspirin, vodka, gum, measuring tape, headphones, poker cards, wooden case with acupuncture needles,...there it is, the index. In the name of every god, spirit, demon and lawyer, thank you for not loosing my index. LD would strangle me with my own guts if I lost my copy.

It was like a boulder had been taken of his shoulder. He embraced the brown and heavy looking tome and kissed it like a long lost lover, before storing it again in the bag.

The revelations that he was alone in a forest, turned into a fictional character, was completely lost and probably in grave danger, would be enough to reduce a normal human being into a crying pile of pity. Good thing that Lucian had a patented way of dealing with these sort of messes: Take the bunch of fear,doubts and other negative feelings, fold them neat and tightly, and suppress them deep within your mind until you are in a better situation to work them out.

Now with a more neutral expression, he lifted the feathery ball of cloth, stored the  bag inside it and let it fall on his back again.

He looked down at himself and noticed that he was indeed not just a Doffy-look-alike but the genuine article. As far as he remembered, he was now 10 feet tall.

Well at least now I know why the trees are so short. I'm a damn tree myself! How should I ever find a bed that accommodates my stature?Wait. Maybe I can also use...

He pointed his right hand  at a tree with sickly looking vines. The thumb pointed skyward and all fingers expect the index finger were curled.

"BULLET STRING!"

A few birds flew from the trees because of the shout. After that, there was no change of the environment, just a flamboyant man pointing at a plant.

Well maybe I have to think ab-

*Bang*

The tree where he pointed his finger, now had a smoking hole all the way through the bark and wood. With a perfect poker-face Lucian took down his arm and observed if there was anyone around. As soon as he was sure that he was indeed alone, he approached a mossy stone formation, leaned down, ripped off a part of the moss and plugged it into hole. He rose again and dusted of his hands before he walked graciously back onto the path. For his powers to activate, he had to imagine the effect he wished to unleash upon the world, at least with what strings can do.

Does that mean that haki works too? After all it should just be like my qi and soul perception.

With great focus he pictured that his hand was protected by a layer of pure willpower. Immediately his whole right arm and part of his clothes were shining like they were dipped in a black substance. He dispelled the spiritual armament and let his mind drift outside while closing his eyes. He felt that he could 'see' far more than before, like the difference between a hawk and a blind man.

Whoa! I can *feel everything around me. So if Armament and Observation work, then so should Conqueror. It seems to be a different approach to the same problem that cultivators have. Heh, what would happen if I use qi and armament at the same time? But there is one thing I have to check.*

With a stern face he grabbed over his shoulder inside his coat and searched in his hidden bag. He whipped out the measuring tape and with his left he unzipped his pants.

After a check of his goods, he had a grin from one ear to the other.

"Fufufufufufufufufufufufufufufufufufufuf-ah..."

I do even have to laugh like him. Well as LD always says... Actually he doesn't talk much. Huh, never noticed. But what would he do now? Ah yes, search for civilization and stay out of trouble. But should I just follow the road? Bah, I got nothing to loose. Humh, I think I have to walk for a while, I could train my new abilities on the way. How do I make a sky road?

Lucian gazed in the sky, where many clouds were flying over the forest.

That's awfully convenient. Okay, a string here, here and there. Perfect.

Lucian hoisted his right leg and stepped half a foot into the air. Just like that, he felt a resistance and stood on the invisible string. Unfortunately he quickly lost his balance on the thin string and planted his face in the ground. Something clattered beside him.

"Shit!"

With his hands planted on the earthy surface, he lifted himself of the soil.

From the depths of his coat he took his sexy headphones, plugged them into his phone, put them on his ears and started a sweet tune.

"This will take a while."

For an outside observer it would look like a silly person 'waddled' on the path, not noticing that his feet never touched the ground.

40 minutes ago, Convention Hall

Two best friends were currently walking to a rather massive building with a large number of other people. Some of them bore colorful costumes and not few took pictures with them.

"You said I had to wear this costume a whole day, but you never said where. Come on don't look at me like that, I even paid for the plane tickets."

The grim looking one of the two just stared at his costumed friend, but said nothing. There was just a slight change in his face, so small indeed that any other person would never had noticed. A tiny smile was deeply embedded on this mouth, but just for a second.

"See? No harm done. Now come, let's have some fun."

After a while of looking at the stalls and the occasional photo with admirers, Lucian registered that his friend was gone. The mere absence wasn't the problem, his friend was prone to wander around wherever he went. Lucian couldn't feel his 'presence' anymore. Twelve years. That's how long they knew each other, hell, maybe even longer. They trained shaolin kung fu since they both just had been teenagers. They discovered long lost knowledge about qi,alchemy ,languages and cultivation.Thanks to meditation and their unusual brotherly bond, they could always 'feel' the 'presence' or 'soul' of the other. Now that very presence had vanished, which meant one of two things: His friend was outside of his 'reach' or he was dead.

Lucian's face was angst-ridden and he himself felt empty and cold, like the whole world had been shock frosted. A few bystanders were surprised that they suddenly had the urge to make jokes to brighten up the mood. Lucian cracked his fingers to catch himself. No, his friend couldn't be dead. He was far to strong, fast and focused to die here, right? Also, there wasn't a commotion that someone had been murdered. Something was odd, like the rhythm of the world was offbeat. Lucian did what his friend always advised when you have a big, unsolvable problem: wander aimlessly, listen to your instinct and let your mind drift; for every problem there exists a solution.

After ten minutes Lucian found what he was searching for. He felt a tug and at the boundaries of his mind, one echo of emotion; dread. In front of him was a stall with merchandise and replicas. A normal person would have only seen an innocent vendor clad in a leather coat, wearing a purple cloth, to cover his mouth. Lucian wasn't a normal person that's why he saw the traces of blood on the table and bandanna.

"Over here ten yasha(heavenly demon)! Got a selection of good things on sale, yasha."

Lucian put on a fake smile and approached the stall.

"And what object would you deem appropriate to show me?"

"Well, my humble self can see that there is something missing with your attire, oh merciful yasha. You are truly missing your shades."

The merchant took a pair of red tinted shades from under his table.

"I see that your current visual aid is indeed quite prized, but these here are more suitable for someone with your reputation. Whaddaya say?"

It was indeed the case that Lucian had a pair of... inferior shades. He couldn't find red tintedt glass for his custom shades, so the standard glass had to do. What a sudden coincidence, but Lucian would play his game.

"I stand corrected, you have something worthy of my time, yet I cannot trade with you. You see where i come from one believes that a honorably trade can only be made face to face. So, if you would be so kind?"

"Yes of course, oh gracious yasha.  Would this be better?"

The merchant revealed his battered visage. One eye was bruised and Lucian noted that a few teeth were missing. But what really was interesting, was the fact that Lucian knew who did this, there were only two people in this hall who could punch like this: Lucian and his friend, and when his friend found it appropriate to strike instead of talking, you knew that shit hit the fan.

"My, what happened to you? Could I be of any help?", said Lucian while placing his right hand on his chest in a flamboyant manner.

"No,no,no  good yasha. It is just makeup, nothing to be concerned of. It's remarkable how you can change your appearance these days."

"Oh really? "

I will find out what you did, you little, dirty son of a-

"Anyway honorable yasha, what is your intention?"

Lucian took a ten dollar bill from his wallet in an overly dramatic fashion.

Fuck you.

"Good merchant I breaks my golden heart but unfortunately I only have ten dollars left, could there be a trade nonetheless?"

The merchant was in a dilemma. This person was exactly one he could use but the monetary compensation was far from enough. But after the last incident, he really needed something to cheer up. Who could have known that the last person was so violent? He even managed to injure the merchant, which is and will always be no easy feat. But how could that person injure him? The last one hadn't had any magic but could it be that... No, this world didn't have any cultivators, they had killed themselves ages ago and didn't pass their profound knowledge. It was probably just luck. Yes maybe he just lost focus and let himself be injured.

"Ten dollars will do, oh sublime yasha."

Swiftly the goods were exchanged. Lucian folded his original shades and put them hanging on the collar of his shirt. As he put on the red tinted shades he felt a violent tug in his very existence.

I knew it. Whatever he did, I'm gonna make him pay.

With pure determination Lucian resisted the suction and moved fast. His orange qi exploded outside from his meridians, invisible only for himself, and coated his whole body. His left hand shot to the left of the merchants face in a cupping form, while his right punched the merchant two times in quick succession: eye and mouth. As teeth began to fly he caught them with his left, just in time before he vanished. The merchant furiously smashed his fists on his table, blood dripping everywhere.

"Fshucking hell! What ish rong wish these people?! Why dosh this keep happening?"

This time the merchant felt it clearly. These people were dangerous to him and any void dweller. Who could have known that he would meet cultivators here? They were just weak enough to get sucked in. This was indeed not his day. Fear was all he felt now because both of them cut his control over them and if only one of them gains more power, he would be hunted down.

The merchant sat down, his arms resting on his knees while his hands covered his face. He began to sob. A few attendees asked themselves what just happened.

Finally after hours of waddling in the air, Lucian finally left the completely normal forest or Everfree Forest, like it was written on a small wooden sign.

Everfree? Why would someone name a forest like that? Everrrrfre. Eeeeeeverfree. Everfrrrrrrrree. No I don't get it. It's just silly. Meh, it's better I don't think so hard about it.

For Lucian there was only the question where he should go now. To get a better overview, Lucian ascended into the sky. He could see a small village down the road to his left and right in front of him was a river. He also saw a large mountain in the distance with a structure at its side. While he was standing 100 feet in the air, he began to brood over what he should do. It was too much of a  coincidence that as soon he left the forest, he would immediately face two settlements.

Part of me says that I should go to the village but why do I have the feeling that I am being played? If that guy sent me so close to this place, then he would want that I make contact here. No. Not a chance. I am doing this my way. Go fuck yourself castle, village and you bastard. I am heading north. But I need to be faster than walking to get beyond the mountain before the end of this day. Am I already proficient enough to jump? Only one way to find out.

"Huzzah!"

Lucian jumped a monstrous distance and made it just in time to span the next strings to jump even further. After a while he found a rhythm and it got far easier. Still it was quite often that he nearly dislocated a joint or even missed the strings.

"Huh... Took me just a few minutes to get here."

Lucian is currently jumping above the right side of this awfully obtrusive mountain. He felt on the other side a huge amount of presences but he was completely indifferent about it. Who builds a city on the side of a mountain when there's so much space on the ground? Lucian just wondered for a bit but soon began to hum again.

Suddenly Lucian stopped. Lucian looked up in the sky and tilted his head to the left. The firmament with the sun began to turn just like someone would change the scenery of a theater. As the moon began to shine his cold light, Lucian massaged his eyes and the bridge of his nose.

"What..."

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened them again. Is he loosing his mind? Lucian knew that he didn't have the time for a mental breakdown.

Just suppress it, Lucian. So what of it that the nightfall lasts roughly a minute? I have seen weirder. I think.

Just then Lucian noticed something coming at him. Intuitively he turned his head to the threat and Lucian had just one thought: To stop it.

*Boom*

All was calm in Canterlot. Princess Celestia just lowered her sun and all ponies prepared themselves to sleep. As she was trotting down the homely halls of the castle, bobbing her head to her own movements, she heard a faint noise. It was like a sudden burst of wind, just like one an untrained unicorn would create when they were in peril. But that was utterly impossible. There was nothing dangerous here in Canterlot but... did she miss something? She turned her head to the supposed source of the blast.

"The...mountain?"

Suddenly she saw like her guards-ponies at the end of the hallway began to tremble.  With a clatter they fell unconscious on the floor. Celestia was taken aback, what could have happened? She didn't have to wait long to find out. She felt a sudden gust of wind and while she was confused by its appearance, a pressure fell on her mind. After a split second her eyes turned upside into her equine skull and she too lost to the pressure. She smacked to the floor quite violently but thanks to her abundant storage of adipose tissue, she wouldn't even suffer a bruise.

Hours later the ponies of Canterlot would awaken from bad nightmares just where they had lost their consciousness. Celestia was relieved when she knew that luckily nopony had been injured. She made an announcement to her little ponies that it all had been just a common sleep spell experiment gone wrong.

This night would be remembered by whole Equestria as the first sign to Nightmare Moon's return ten years later. Nopony ever found out that it was indeed not a display of power from the mare in the moon but originated from someone else entirely.

*huff*

*hah*

Lucian was panting heavily and held his chest.

A fucking bat! A normal fucking bat spooked me like this? It even brought me to use Conqueror in conjunction with my killing intent. I really am loosing my mind.

Lucian straightened himself and adjusted his clothes.

Now where did that bat go? Bah! It's too dark to see that abominable creature; maybe with Presence? Ah yes, down there it is. Well at least it is still alive so I-

Lucian slowly raised his grinning head in line with the center of the mountain, or to be more precise on the other side. He could feel a cluster of beings, which were no doubt inhabitants of the white town-castle-thingy. There was just a tiny problem. Thanks to his Conqueror one after another were knocked out. Lucian didn't want to be discovered by anyone just yet, so he decided to use his second best tactic: advance to the opposing direction of his problem.

"Meh, it will probably solve itself. Well I better scram. After all only a person who is rare, is valuable too."

With that he made a few air-hops to get on the grassy plane behind the mountain. As he couldn't continue to jump in the sky without clouds, he just landed on a dirt road. He looked one last time at the mountain before he began to jump on the road.

"I should find something for the night soon, oh well."

After half an hour of jumping, Lucian saw a faint light in the distance.

Hm. What could that be?

On a country-road behind Canterlot was a gathering of lights. Two cowardly figures stood atop a wooden carriage.

"Flam?"

"Yes Flim?"

"Didn't you say they wouldn't follow us that far?"

"How could I have known that the ponies from Vanhoover have such determination? I hoped they would give up after 30 miles!"

The young Flim Flam Brothers were currently in a bad predicament. Both were clothed in a white-blue striped shirt with bow-tie and both had a straw boater on their red mane. The only way to distinguish them was Flam's excuse for a mustache and Flim's missing thereof. They stood trembling on the roof of their trusty carriage, which was surrounded by an angry mob of torch-swinging ponies. Flam straightened himself and tried to be diplomatic. Flam gulped and took a deep breath.

"Good evening to you all. I am afraid we are all out of miracle elixir and it is already so late. Maybe you would want directions to go home?"

A brutish and very angry brown pegasus screamed,"Cut the manure! You're frauds! Did you think that we would take your fake potion?"

Another unicorn chimed in,"Let's beat them up already! I have a very important interview tomorrow"

"As if! You are such a lazybones! You said we should follow them!"

The mob began to quarrel and the brothers took the chance to get a last talk.

"Flim?"

"Yes Flam?"

"Considering that's it, I wanted to tell you something..."

"Yes?"

"You know... I..."

Flim began to grin, knowing that they were still brothers after all. He looked deep into his brothers emerald eyes.

"Spit it out Flam."

"I..."

"Come on."

"I blame you for this."

"What?! It was your idea!"

"No you had the idea to sell this junk as elixir!"

"Ah yeah? I have to tell you something too. I never liked your mustachio!"

Flam gasped in shock.

"You take that back in a few years it will look-"

"Hey who's making that darn annoying noise?", an old grey mare asked.

Both parties instantly ceased their hassle and listened carefully.

*Tap*

The mob looked up to the two brothers which shouted in unison,"That's not us!"

*Tap*

*Tap*

*Tap*

*Tap*

All of them turned their heads down the dark road, where the tapping originated. The circle of ponies dissolved and a few brave took steps towards the noise, scrunching their eyes and muzzle. It was not the rhythm of a pony, so maybe it was a minotaur? But what was it doing so far away of a town deep in the night?

*Tap*

*Tap*

*Tap*

Whatever that ominous being was, it just stood outside of their visibility, hiding in the darkness. The deadly silence only made the ponys anxious.

"W-who go-go-goes there?", the mob boss asked and squinted his eyes.

*Ta-Tap*

Half of the torches were suddenly blown out by a gust of wind. The quivering ponies remained still in this eery half-dark, eyes locked beyond the road.

*Ka-klank*

Very slowly all eyes turned back atop the carriage, where the con artists were huddled together. Behind them stood a very, very tall creature. Only the two legs, a full feathered body and gleaming red eyes could be seen because of the meager light of the flickering torches. The creature snickered diabolically.

Oh boy, their faces with these huge eyes! I can't stop!

Lucian did indeed hear from afar that this 'mob' tried to use lynch-law on these two 'unicorns'. He wasn't quite sure why they weren't apprehended by the local police force, if they were frauds. That he was obviously in a world full of talking animals didn't bother Lucian that much. What was by far more important was that the ponies spoke in English. Lucian frowned at this discovery.

Why English?  It doesn't even have to be my mother tongue but why is it the only language in existence, in which I have an unavoidable accent? No, of course it couldn't be French, that would be-

Lucian heard the clattering of teeth beneath him. As he focused his sight, he noticed that it came from the equines.

Oh. Yes, bad time now.

"Good evening.", Lucian said as smooth as possible.

His audience was just starring blankly at him, but at least they stopped destroying their teeth.

"This would be the moment you would respond with a greeting yourself?"

The assembly of multicolored ponies just stood and floated mouth agape before one of them screamed, "Giant Talking Bird Monster!"

Lucian was positively surprised. He never knew that three foot five tall ponies could run that fast. Of course he had to bend down a bit to grip the two brothers before they too could run away. Both of them were currently screaming bloody murder and bargaining for their lives. Lucian let out a deep sigh. It would be a long day.

*Swish*

"So, I am currently in a land called Equestria, which is the habitat of sentinent ponies and is ruled by an immortal Alukorn-"

"-Alicorn-"

*Swish*

"-Alicorn Princess named Celestia. There are also other species like minotaurs and greife-"

"-Griffons-"

"-Hah!-"

*Swish*

"Thank you-griffons. There are three pony types; Earth, Pegasus and Unicorn and all of them have something called a Cutiemark, which is not a butt tattoo. You have a heavily magic-dependent culture and you view true nature as dangerous. Fortunately I am able to converse with you two thanks to a language called Equish, which is the same as my English. You two just became adults and thought it would be a good idea to scam people with fake potions out of their money called bits. We are currently on the way to Baltimare and I just saved you from an angry mob of adorable ponies."

"Yes", grumbled Flam after he finished cooking dinner in the carriage, while Flim sat on the wooden boards and watched with great interest what Lucian was doing.

"And you are a male member of the bipedal species human, sent here by a powerful being, completely broke, separated from your best friend and lost your original body. You are a so called master martial artist and you're waiting until your friend arrives here so that you can smack said powerful being to oblivion.", said Flim while following Lucian's fast movements.

"Correct."

"Are you sure you're not a bald yeti and got a concussion? Anyway, what are you doing exactly?", asked Flim with a pulled-up brow.

"I train. While I am still a master at fighting barehanded, this isn't my original body so I have to work it in.", Lucian said while glaring at him.

Lucian was currently bare-chested in the grass besides the illuminated carriage and moved in fluid motions swiftly. Sometimes he kicked and punched lightning-fast in the air or ground. His coat and shirt lie folded besides Flim, who gently petted the pink feather coat even though Lucian said he shouldn't.

"So fluffy.Don't you mean barehooved?"

"No."

"But that's the correct terminus!"

"I don't have hooves, so no."

"Yeah? And what are those?", said Flim while pointing at Lucian's feet.

"Those are feet."

"Why are they dark purple and not like your coat?"

"I am wearing shoes and I don't have a coat like you, it's just bare skin."

Lucian suddenly tensed all his muscles at once for a minute, then relaxed and breathed far more air out with his big lungs. He sat down in a cross-legged position, his arms rested on his legs. Suddenly his stomach area started to glow in a faint crimson red shine, but only for himself.  Both brothers were eagerly waiting for Lucian to do anything other than sitting. Lucians face suddenly cramped up and he smashed the ground besides him causing a small tremor.

"Wha-What's wrong?", asked Flam, now with serious concerns regarding his safety.

Lucian slowly stood up and walked to the two trembling unicorns. He stopped directly in front of them, pulsating veins on his forehead.

"Why the long face? You two sold potions right? Do you still have herbs and stuff left over? ", Lucian said cheerily, only his face revealing his anger.

Sobered up from the rather strange question Flim answered,"Yes, but they're just for the flavor and nothing else."

"Doesn't matter bring them to me."

Flim turned to a wooden cupboard inside the homely carriage and brought boxes of dried plants. Lucian quickly examined all of them. They were nearly useless but at least they had still some benefit for him.

"You won't mind if I use them right?", said Lucian with a grin.

"*Yawn* Not at all, we already prepared our batch for our next victi- I mean customer."

"Good. I will take watch for tonight."

Lucian took the boxes and jumped on the carriage and sat again. Flim and Flam stretched their heads out of the carriage.

"But there aren't any wild animals around!"

"Weren't you the ones those nice people wanted? Better safe than sorry. I still got work to do, you can go to sleep, ah do you have some vials and water left?"

Flam tried to respond but was cutoff by Flims hoof. Flim now had a serious expression on his face.

"Yes we have but this will cost you something", Flim said omniuosly.