The Epic True Story of How I Became A Brony
So there I was, trapped in the sunken city of Rapture, hunkering behind a stack of crates, clutching the blood oozing from my shoulder. The splicer I ran across earlier had stuck me real deep. I could hear the lumbering echo of heavy footsteps only a few yards away. The hulking mechanical beast known as a Big Daddy would spot me soon. As much as I tried to stop it, my breathing grew heavier and I involuntarily stumbled forward.
It was too late. The Big Daddy had spotted me. It charged forward with its drill making a horrific whirr and the lights on its helmet glowing fierce red. It gave a bellowing roar and I closed my eyes, preparing for the agonizing pain of my insides being gutted and churned out.
When I opened my eyes again, the Big Daddy was frozen in front of me, the point of its drill less than an inch away from my nose. I stumbled backward and rubbed my eyes as I realized the entire world around me was frozen. Leaking water hung in midair and the Big Daddy was sprung with one foot off the ground like a sculpted statue.
“Who paused the game?!” I shouted in irritation.
The moment the words left my mouth, I saw a bright flash and the strangest creature I’d ever laid eyes on materialized before me. It was like some kind of mutated billy-goat that stood on two legs, had mismatched horns, batwings, and a reptilian tail. It had yellow eyes and spoke with the voice of some guy off Star Trek.
“That’s John de Lancie you’re thinking off, hotshot.” the creature spoke, in John de Lancie’s voice.
“Who, what are you?” I asked.
“The name’s Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony, at your service.” the creature said with a sarcastic bow, “Playing Bioshock, I see.”
“Yeah, how about you unpause the game, goatman.” I ordered.
“Weren’t you just about to be turned into a human slushie by your deep-sea diver friend over there?” Discord said, pointing to the Big Daddy.
“I saved my game.” I replied, “What do you want?”
“I just want to give you a quick spiel on a little show that you might enjoy at least as much as Bioshock.” Discord announced.
“What show is that?” I asked.
“My Little Pony.” Discord said with a sinister smirk, holding out his paw as an old plastic pony appeared in it.
I picked up the plastic pony and threw It on the ground.
“So what?” I said, “Some cheesy little girl’s cartoon from the 80s. I didn’t even like that as a kid.”
“Don’t you remember Sailor Moon?” Discord argued, as he produced another toy, this time a Sailor Moon plushie.
“I don’t need your plush toys.” I said, swiping the doll anyway and trying to stuff it in my pocket.
“See what I mean?” Discord said with a snaggle-fanged grin.
“I really don’t like Sailor Moon all that much anymore.” I continued, “I’m into dark and serious stuff now like Fullmetal Alchemist and Bioshock.”
“And My Little Pony....” Discord insisted.
“Didn’t like it then, don’t like it now, goatman.” I retorted.
A pair of sunglasses appeared over Discord’s eyes and he spoke in the voice of Laurence Fishburne.
“What if I told you that not only will you like My Little Pony but you will become completely obsessed with it to the point of writing fanfiction and publishing it online?” he said.
As soon as I heard this, I burst into loud and cynical laughter, so much so that I had to catch my breath.
“My Little Pony fanfiction...yeah right...*huff*....that and Twilight....*pant*” I managed to say.
“Twilight, indeed.” Discord said with the same devious smile.
“In any case...” he went on, “I’ll have you know that not only am I a villain from the new My Little Pony cartoon, but I’m the fan favorite. I’m practically the new Darth Vader.”
“Nobody replaces Vader.” I said in all seriousness, “And if you’re the big, bad villain of this new cartoon, then I’m not impressed.”
“There are other villains on the show.” Discord said with uncomfortable emphasis, “But first let’s start with a character you remember. You do recall Spike the dragon, do you not?”
“Some little dragon dude that sounded like Gollum?” I said, thinking back.
From out of nowhere appeared a little purple dragon with green eyes and who’s voice sounded only marginally less grating than Gollum’s.
“Hi, I’m Spike.” he announced, sounding vaguely like a young boy.
“So, Spike. You don’t sound like Gollum anymore, but I’m still not impressed.” I argued, “Let’s see some ponies.”
“Trust me, Mr. Bioshock.” Discord taunted, “You’re not ready for the ponies. You can’t handle the ponies!”
“I’m sure.” I said, rolling my eyes, “How about those other villains you were talking about?”
“Alas, this other villain is far too hideous.” Discord said, “Her hideousness is beyond comprehension. So wretched to look upon that your eyes will burst out of their sockets.”
“So, Hillary Clinton, then?” I said with a chuckle.
“Way to ruin a decent fanfic with a political joke.” Discord scolded.
“Silence, you insufferable creature!” said a reverberating female voice that almost sound like Vader, “Why are you so enamored with this pathetic human?”
Some sort of insectoid-equine trotted out of the darkness and sneered at me. She had a black exoskeleton, light green eyes, a knotted unicorn horn, and weird Swiss cheese legs. And she was the most attractive bug-horse I had ever laid eyes on.
“Why hello Chryssi.” Discord mocked, “Always good to see you.”
“Still trying to turn him into a brony?” “Krissy” inquired.
“Krissy?” I asked, “What are you supposed to be.”
“I am Queen Chrysalis of the changeling army.” she announced, “Kneel before me, you sniveling human.”
“How ‘bout no, Scot.” I said defiantly, trying not to blush.
“Disgustingly gruesome, isn’t she?” Discord said with a nudge.
“What’s a brony, anyways?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Bro + pony = brony.” Discord said, “It’s basic math.”
“Okay, so one character is....not half bad....but I’ve yet to see these prancing pretty ponies.” I remarked.
“If you insist.” Discord said, “Come on in, girls!”
One by one, in trotted an army of cartoon ponies in a variety of colors, but of similar size and shape. At first I started to comment how they weren’t any different than the old ponies, but then I noticed their perfect hair, their gorgeous eyes, their...
“A little glass of water?” Discord said, snapping his fingers and handing me a full glass of water.
I gulped it down only to spit it out in disbelief.
“They’re....they’re....they’re....” I stammered.
“Boring? Bland? Blasé? Blundiferous?” Discord egged on.
“Beautiful!” I shouted before gasping and covering my mouth.
“Durst mine ears deceive me?” Discord asked.
“Blundiferous isn’t a word!” I said, changing the subject again.
One of the ponies trotted up to me and held out a hoof. She was a lavender unicorn with a purple mane and stubby horn.
“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. Pleased to meet you.” she greeted.
I attempted to shake her hoof and then looked at Discord with a hateful glare.
“You’re welcome.” he said.
“I don’t believe it.” I said with a heavy sigh, “You actually did it. You turned me into a brony.”
“Don’t thank me, thank your bizzare anime-moe obsession.” Discord replied.
“I do not have a bizzare anime obsession!” I shouted.
“See you in Tartarus.” Discord said as he and all the MLP characters disappeared in a flash.
I tried to understand the last thing Discord had said when I felt this sharp, searing pain and saw a large metal drill boring into my chest.
“Seriously!” I shouted, before I gurgled blood and died.
