God, the Devil, and Poniesby PonkyChaptersThe ChallengeArrivalAnd Then They Climbed Out of the GorgeNo CheatingThe ChallengeAuthor's Note A Foreword from the Author This story is going to offend people. I already know that. In fact, being a religious man, I’m a little offended by it myself. But the concept is just too funny to ignore. My characterizations of central Biblical characters (including God himself, the Devil, Jesus Christ, and more) are meant to be humorous, casual, and exaggerated. Their traits, relationships, and interactions do not reflect my actual beliefs and are designed purely as plot devices. Yes, this is somewhat influenced by the cartoon “God, the Devil, and Bob,” but does not exist in the same universe. My versions of the ethereal entities are very different from those in the aforementioned show, although their relationships are admittedly similar. This is largely due to the fact that the famous parable of Job inspired both “Bob” and the story you’re about to read. If you are easily offended, please don’t read this. If you are less easily offended, take it with a grain of salt. If you are not easily offended, enjoy. Ponky The Challenge Lucifer dropped onto his favorite stool in the dingiest bar in Hell with a tired sigh. It had been a long day, what with all those graduating teenagers to tempt in America. He didn’t do much tempting himself anymore; over the millennia he had trained enough demons to do the job for him, but he still liked to oversee. These days it hardly took a prod in the wrong direction for some of those wayward teens to sin. On the other end of the spectrum, some of them were positively exhausting, adamantly refusing to give in. They usually cracked under the influence of twenty or thirty demons, though others simply would not cave. Those most righteous souls were assigned a number of Sentinel Devils, a long and tedious process. He tapped on the counter with a long, clawed finger, startling the bony bartender on its other side. “Your Wretchedness!” the worker bumbled, bowing awkwardly over his arrangement of shot glasses. “Save it, Moistturd,” Lucifer grumbled, resting his head on his fist as he leaned halfway across the bar. “Just gimme the usual.” “Yes, Your Travesty,” the old soul obeyed, pouring his Father Below a tall glass of fermented magma. The Devil took a long swig of the stuff, letting its warmth sear his icy innards. He shuddered involuntarily. “Thanks, Colonel,” he muttered, setting his drink on the counter with a clink. The bartender grinned sheepishly. “Colonel? Heh. Haven’t held that title in more than a hundred years.” “Yeah, well, you lived a colonel, you died a colonel, and you’re still a colonel to me,” the Devil rattled off with a friendly smirk. Colonel Moistturd’s widened. “Thank you, Your Wretchedness,” he said sincerely. “You sure know how to brighten up somebody’s day.” “Least I can do.” He took another flaming drink. The bar was nearly empty, aside from a few slumped customers chatting quietly at booths along the back wall. No doubt remembering old times, back when they had names that didn’t inspire a sickened flinch, back when they could watch the sun swirl around their little world, back when colors brought to life the most mundane of things. There was no color in Hell. None of the bright, vibrant hues of Earth, anyway, and nothing near the glorious shades of Heaven. Lucifer sighed, remembering old times of his own. The door to the bar swung open, bringing in a noisy gust of wind and a huge, cloaked customer. The newcomer’s robe flapped theatrically around his person for a moment before he stepped inside and gently shut the door behind him. Lucifer was glad for the wind: it meant there was a flurry of damned souls on their way down. Maybe a group of partying high school graduates had died in an explosion, or maybe an unfortunate batch of drunkards had caused a fatal accident on a major highway. His attention was refocused by the towering figure who stepped slowly across the room. Though the long bar's stools were empty of patrons other than the Devil, the hooded mammoth of a soul took the seat directly to his left. Lucifer was not easily intimidated. Despite his scrawny, hollow appearance and just-below-average height, his supernatural powers of darkness and deception were forces to be reckoned with. Unlike many portrayals in human art, the Devil did not have wings, or a tail, and he couldn’t remember ever using a pitchfork. In fact, in his natural form, he looked rather like a human. The only significant differences were his uncanny thinness, his dry, grey skin, the pair of short horns protruding from his scalp, and his long, taloned fingers with infinitely opposable joints. The cloaked customer was nearly three times as wide as Lucifer and more than a head taller. Only his massive, work-calloused hands were left uncovered by the charcoal robe. For one reason or another, Lucifer felt a growing sense of uneasiness as the stranger sat in total silence. Moistturd paid the pair no mind, moving to another corner of his workspace to continue shining cups. Finally, the stranger spoke in a deep, resonant voice that made the vessels in Lucifer’s eyeballs swell with freezing blood. “Hello, Lucy." The tone was jovial. The Devil groaned. “Hi, Dad.” Another minute of silence passed as both waited for the other to begin a conversation. In the end, it was God who began it all. As always. “This place hasn’t changed a bit,” He acknowledged, turning this way and that as he surveyed the tiny tavern. “Never does,” Lucifer agreed. “Haven’t seen you here in ages.” God nodded. “Everybody has those days.” Lucifer quirked an eyebrow skeptically. “Not you.” “True,” God admitted, leaning back a bit on his stool. It creaked beneath his healthy weight. “Though I wouldn’t mind a drink right about now.” Moistturd perked up, turning unknowingly to the Forger of his soul. “What can I get you, sir?” “How much for a glass of water?” He asked. Moistturd blinked once. “Uh… nothing, sir.” “Then I’ll take one.” With a slightly bemused smile, Moistturd fulfilled the order, setting a tall glass of clear water in front of the enormous figure. With a wave of his burly hand, the liquid changed to a deep red color. Lucifer rolled his eyes. The bartender’s throat closed as he realized the implications of the miracle. “You… y-y-you’re…” he attempted. God held up a preventive palm. “It’s all right,” He comforted. “Go back to work. I’m just here on a little business.” The ex-colonel nodded frantically, turning away from his Maker with terrified haste. “A little business?” Lucifer repeated. His Father chuckled. “Indeed, I’m afraid I didn’t come here for the weather. Or the scenery.” The Devil growled. “Then get on with it.” “Actually, I’m here to pick a bone with you—” “Surprise, surprise.” “—on behalf of your brother.” Lucifer’s abdomen clenched painfully. “Is that so?” he asked through gritted teeth. “Was it while He was teaching you that one?” He pointed at the ignored glass of wine in front of his Father. God laughed, rumbling the entire building. “Other way around, Lucy,” He quipped. “But no, this was a recent request. It has come to His attention that, once again, you’ve specifically corrupted one of His most precious gifts to humanity.” “Specifically corrupted, eh?” the Devil asked. “What does that mean?” “It means that you have taken something meant to inspire Good and warped it into something that reeks of Evil.” “Oh!” Lucifer chirped. “Like, uh... television and the internet.” “Yes, but even more specific. In fact, this particular corruption has a lot to do with the internet.” The Devil raised a patchy eyebrow. “Is it the changes I made to Facebook?” God took a deep breath. "Well, it's hard to explain without using human terms, so I’ll resort to the words they’ve given the phenomenon on Earth.” He leaned closer to His estranged son and lowered his voice seriously. “They call it… Rule Thirty Four.” In seconds, Lucifer had broken down, cackling delightedly and pounding his twisted fist against the countertop. The cups of wine and cooling magma rattled with every slam, accompanying the devilish laughter with interspersed buzzes of glass against glass. “Oh, that is too much!” he gasped with his cheek against the bar. “That is just too much! The Big Guy had a little run-in with Rule Thirty-Four, did He? Hhhhhhaaa-ha-ha-ha!” He wiped a chilly tear from his eye, sitting bolt upright with a malevolent sneer around his pointed teeth. “What did He see, huh? Was it something of Him? Oh my badness, that is too funny…” “As I’ve said,” God continued tranquilly, “it was a specific corruption of one of His most beloved and recent attempts to spread love in first-world countries.” Still smirking, the Devil shrugged. “A television show, Lucifer,” God expounded as seriously as before. “A cartoon. A prime target for your abhorrent Rule: while a majority of its characters are strong females, designed to be visually and emotionally attractive, its most devoted audience is vastly comprised of young adult males who—” “No freaking way!” the Devil shouted. “Are you talking about My Little Pony?” Beneath his hood, God stifled a smile. “So you are familiar.” “Familiar?” Lucifer guffawed. “Dad, that show has been a goldmine for me! It attracts the most innocent little viewers seeking all that is virtuous, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy—you know the type—and they get absorbed in the Brony Movement and the online culture, and before too long they start Googling images of their favorite characters and delving into the more obscure fanfictions and BAM! I get one of my boys to throw a nice appetizer of Rule Thirty-Four in their faces. More often than not, they fall like flies.” “I am well aware,” God said sadly, “as is a rather flustered member of our family.” “Yeah, well, up His,” Lucifer profaned. His Father’s shoulders seemed to broaden, if even possible. All things are possible with— Yeah, yeah, I know, he interrupted his own mind. “Lucifer, you were once a Son of the Morning,” He said in a voice the Devil mentally described as a hushed bellow. “It would be wise for someone with your understanding of His sacrifice and position to show some respect.” The exile cringed. “Sorry,” he whispered quickly. God seemed to relax a little. “I will waste no more of our time.” The Devil snorted at the ridiculous notion of wasting an Eternal Being’s “time,” but listened as his Father continued. “My Son asks that you remove all Friendship is Magic-related pornography from the internet.” “No way,” the Devil said. “As He expected,” God continued, “so I am now going to offer you a challenge.” Lucifer’s eyelid twitched. “A… challenge?” He slid his right hand over his sunken face. “Dad, we did this last time you came down here, remember? What was that guy’s name… the super righteous one I called a tool.” “Job.” “Yeah, him. Look, I learned my lesson, okay? There are people up there who actually love you no matter what. I don’t really get it, but I accept it. But I’m not accepting another challenge from the Creator of the Universe.” “I think you might want to hear it out, Lucy,” God said. “It’s quite an interesting prospect.” Arguing was fruitless. Lucifer knew that from the get-go. Moaning impatiently, he swiveled on his stool to face his Father and waited for the terms with a disinterested squint. “My Son is under the impression that you still have some Good in you,” He began. “I’m not sure if I agree. In any case, He suggests that if you only experienced the sincerity and craft of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, even you would be disgusted by the idea of its corruption.” Lucifer tilted his head down, staring incredulously into the shadowy space beneath his Father’s hood. “You’re saying Jesus is daring me to be a Brony?” he asked. “Not exactly,” God clarified. “He’s 'daring' you to be a pony.” For the first time in several minutes, a desperately uncomfortable silence hung humidly around the pair. “Wha… huh?” “It is proposed that I place you inside the world of the show,” He explained with a hint of amusement in his rich voice. “Your brother believes that if you spend a sufficient amount of time among the ponies in an exact replica of Equestria—” “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” “—that you will come to appreciate and respect them as much as He does.” “You have got to be kidding me!” "You will live among them for one week. If, in that amount of time, you can manage not to befriend any of them, you will win the challenge and may leave the internet as it stands.” “What? Is this some sort of sick joke? I'm the one who invented sick jokes!” "However, if you do befriend any of the ponies during those seven days, you will fail and be required to remove all pony pornography." "I literally do not believe this." “Do you accept the challenge?” “You're just gonna snap your big, beefy fingers and send me into someplace called Equestria? Are you even listening to yourself? What kind of stupid pun is Equestria, anyway!?" “Do you accept the challenge?” “… Yes.” And with a snap of His big, beefy fingers—along with an almost giddy smile—God sent the Devil into a prepared dimension that perfectly mirrored the universe of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic up to the end of its fourth season. As the gloomy bar disappeared from around him, Lucifer wondered why he had accepted. Was it simply his pride? That seemed to be the root of most of his problems. Did he just want to prove to his All-Powerful Father and Self-Righteous Big Brother that he could spend forever among those pathetic pastel ponies without changing his ways? Did he want to rub his success in Their glorious faces while thousands of corrupted souls linked their own chains of damnation with every clopfic and NSFW image that poisoned their precious minds? Or did he just really, really, really want to piss off Twilight Sparkle? ArrivalSix mares sat in a crystal tree. Twilight's tongue played at the corner of her mouth as she filed through a stack of neat papers, scanning her eyes and humming to herself. "Annnnd... yeah, I think that's it. Well done, everypony! Our first Conference is complete!" A round of relieved groans and sighs spun around the table. "Thank goodness!" "Finally..." "Is it gonna be this long every time?" Twilight winced, but smiled. "No, Rainbow, hopefully not. I think the more of these we have, the faster we'll get. We can learn to streamline past the less important subjects and focus on what matters most." "Less important subjects?" Rarity glanced over her copy of the same list. "Twilight, the Princesses have yet to assign us anything that even hints at being 'unimportant'. This country is essentially run on the fuels of friendship and harmony, and as the selected Committee in charge of--" "We know, Rarity," Applejack piped in, cracking her neck. Fluttershy winced. "We all know what we're in for. Life ain't lookin' to stay the same fer anypony here. Probably not for anypony in this whole town." "Oh, dear..." Twilight said under her breath. Rarity lifted her snout. "It's not very nice to interrupt, Applejack." "Well, we ain't got time to list--" BOOM! A mighty crack and a flash of light ripped the scene's tranquility. The mares gasped and rushed to the nearest window. A bizarre hole closed itself low in the sky, and from its vanishing point a streak of otherworldly smoke curled downwards at a clear angle. "What was that!?" Pinkie yelled. "Something must have come out of that portal," Twilight said, squinting. "I think following that smoke would take us to it." "Looks like it went to Ghastly Gorge!" "Come on, girls!" Twilight swept above them on trained wings, turning regally to face her friends from the glittering room's tall entrance. "There's not a moment to lose! Ponyville could be in danger!" Her friends galloped after her, mostly in silence. Fluttershy's chants were the exception: “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness…” ~~~ “Oh my badness, oh my badness, oh my badness, oh my badness…” Lucifer grumbled as he rolled out of the steaming crater at the bottom of a daunting canyon. He certainly had not been expecting such a violent entrance to this spur-of-the-moment challenge. “Hey, thanks for the nice soft landing!” he yelled at the sky through a cloud of dirt. “Really makes me want to give this thing my all.” “You don’t need help there,” God’s voice answered unexpectedly. Lucifer yelped and leapt back, nearly stumbling over his four burgundy legs. Wait a minute… The Devil swung his head downward, surveying his new equine body. “Oh, sweet!” he cheered, twisting his pony-neck left and right to see the whole picture. He was tall and thin, his coat a sheen maroon, his thick, long mane a charcoal grey. “Hey, what color are my eyes?” he asked God through the surrounding walls of dust, pointing to his face. “I’ll let you find out for yourself,” He responded, but Lucifer had moved on to another source of curious excitement. “Wings!” he nearly squealed, experimentally flapping the leathery, bat-like appendages sprouting from his back. “Awesome!” “You seem rather excited,” God’s voice acknowledged playfully. “Yeah, well… what’s the point in being otherwise?” The cloud of dust had finally settled enough that God was visible. He was not a pony, but was no longer wearing His concealing cloak. Instead His muscular body was adorned with a pinkish-white robe of exquisite fineness that seemed to flow ethereally around His frame. His dark blue eyes shone with power, popping against the white waves of His hair and beard. “Lookin' good, Dad,” Lucifer said. “Can’t quite say the same for you,” God replied with a fatherly grin, “though you look much better than you did a moment ago.” “Gee, thanks,” the Devil droned. He stretched out his limbs, flexing different muscles and getting a feel for his new body. “Everything in order? Are you feeling dizzy or unbalanced?” “Not more than I ought to, considering I just plummeted into solid stone from a few hundred feet in the air,” he complained. “Remember, Dad, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been transforming into animals since day one.” “Don’t remind me.” Lucifer hissed. “Well, thanks for making me an alicorn, at least,” he quickly added, flicking his wings in and out a few times before folding them proudly at his sides. “That should make this a lot more fun.” With a kindly smile, God stepped forward to Lucifer and patted his hornless head. “Sorry, Lucy,” he said, “no magic. That would ruin the whole game.” The Devil’s giant, expressive eye twitched in terror. “No… magic?” he asked. “No… no horn? I’m just a pegasus!?” God laughed for the second time that day. It was not a scornful laugh, but genuinely amused. “Oh, Lucifer. I’m beginning to think your brother was really onto something with this idea.” “No, no, no, no, no, no, this has got to be a mistake.” The Devil’s pupils gleamed. “I can’t do this without powers. I… I won’t know what to do!” “Good luck, son,” God offered with a smile. He pointed. "Remember: not one friend." Unceremoniously, he vanished. The dust had settled completely now. A tall, maroon pony with bat-like wings stood stock still on four spread legs, staring into space with an exaggerated expression of total disbelief. “I don’t know what to do,” he breathed, trying to wrap his mind around his sudden, ridiculous circumstances. How had this even happened? Why was this happening? His Father never became this involved in his affairs. Their battle for the souls of men was heated, surely, but rarely were the Devil’s plots snuffed out or even tampered with by his far more powerful opponent. Both of them knew that in order for mankind to willfully choose Good, they must be subjected to Evil. Opposition in all things. What did his ponification have to do with the ultimate war? His answerless train of thought was interrupted by the thunder of distant hoofsteps. Snapping out of his trance, the Devil turned his burgundy head toward the worrisome noise. Approaching ponies? Were they royal officers bent on detaining him? Or frightened villagers with torches and pitchforks… or whatever rioting ponies used? He swallowed nervously, pattering his hooves against the canyon’s ground… Far down the canyon, Lucifer spotted a relatively small crowd of silhouettes barrel around a corner into his section of the gorge. Their colors immediately stood out against the dull brown of the canyon walls: white, pink, orange, yellow, sky blue, and light violet. A curious grin began to pull back the corners of the Devil’s mouth. Along with it came a hurricane of conflicting thoughts and emotions that ricocheted around his skull like houseflies in a cardboard box. You can do this. Keep your cool. You are one of the most powerful, influential entities in the universe. You are Satan, the Adversary, the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, the Rebel of Heaven, the Beast of Revelations, the personification of all that is Evil. Huh... they're kinda cute. I don't have a single friend in the universe, and none of these ridiculous creatures can change that. There is nothing they can do to make me give in to my brother’s absurd demands. I really like their manes. “Excuse me?” Twilight Sparkle called out to him from quite a distance. “Excuse me, sir? Are you all right?” He cleared his throat and looked away, waiting for them to approach before he answered. “Yeah, I think I’ll be just fine,” he said loudly as they stopped and looked on from fifty feet or so, "as long as you lot stay out of my... uh... mane." And Then They Climbed Out of the Gorge“Yer sayin’ you were already down here?" Applejack asked. "And that freaky meteor almost hit’cha?” “Exactly,” the stranger answered with a single nod. “What were you doing at the bottom of a canyon?” Pinkie Pie asked. Lucifer shrugged. He was good at this part. “Oh, you know. Enjoying the natural beauty. I'm of the opinion that life must be lived in the constant presence of beautiful things." Among his small audience, Rarity lifted a brow. “And I had hoped to spot a nest of Quarray Eels,” the stallion continued. “I have something of an obsession for strange and exotic animals.” Fluttershy’s pupils grew. The stallion suddenly laughed. “Not to mention the acoustics down here are the best I’ve ever heard! Why, just before the meteor hit I was singing at the top of my lungs about how happy I am to be alive!” Pinkie Pie’s smile pushed her cheeks against her eyeballs. “And, of course,” he added with an audacious grin, snapping his featherless wings to their full extension, “the obstacles within the crags create a perfect course for me to practice my speed, agility, and…” He whipped his charcoal mane and struck a pose. “…awesomeness.” Rainbow Dash pushed her jaw to one side. “You from out o’ town? I reckon I ain’t seen ya in Ponyville before,” Applejack said. “Yes, of course, I flew here from, uh... Hoofland just this morning.” Twilight's brow furrowed and she opened her mouth, but Applejack spoke first. “I ain't never heard of it. How long was the flight?” Lucifer grinned. "Oh, yeah, you wouldn't have. It's a little place, up the mountains. For the last few months I’ve been flying all over Equestria, you know... enjoying the landscape, y'know. Trying to be alone." "Alone?" Pinkie asked, leaping forward. Lucifer stepped back. "What do you want to be alone for? Sounds like your the making of a good friend!" "Ah-heh-heh-heh!" A flighty laugh, an awkward shifting of heavy hooves. "Yeeeeah, no. I'm really not one to make friends." He sneered in Pinkie's direction. "Ponies bore me." "I'm not boring!" Pinkie promised, bouncing even closer. "None of us are! And just your luck, we're the new Committee of Equestrian Friendship! Our whole job is to find ponies like you and make sure they're as happy as they can be." Lucifer grit his teeth. "Oh, I assure you, I'm plenty happy." He stretched his wings out and flapped experimentally, rising a foot or two above the ground. Grinning, he turned back to the group. "Well, I best be off and leave you to your investigation. Hope you find out where that terrifying meteor came from. I didn't even see it coming!" He flapped harder. "Bye now." Rainbow Dash was suddenly in front of him. He yipped and fell to the right, flapping frantically before coasting to a rough landing behind the mares. They turned and watched him straighten up. "He flies worse than you, Twi," Rainbow muttered. "I heard that," Lucifer said, "and it was rude. I'm just... in shock, is all." "Oh dear," Fluttershy cooed, hurrying forward. "Do you think you'll be all right? I've been working with Nurse Redheart to understand pony health as well as I do animals'. Why don't you lie down and tell me about some of the creatures you've seen down here. You said you're interested in them, right?" "Ohhh, yeees," Lucifer said, grinning crookedly at her. He held out a wing to prevent her from reaching him. "I find them so much more tolerable than the obnoxious ponies trying to fix all my problems." Fluttershy gasped. "Really? Me, too!" Her wide eyes turned and found her friends. "Er, I mean... not that I think ponies are all that obnoxious..." "Well, I do," Lucifer said, and turned his back to Fluttershy. "Now if you'll excuse me--" He tried once more to fly upwards, but couldn't quite angle himself right. Landing a little better than his first try, he took off at a brisk pace towards the wall of the gorge. "I think I'll just climb out." He began to do just that, lifting and grunting and flapping from ledge to jagged ledge. The six mares drew closer to one another and watched with tilted eyes. "Is it just me," Pinkie asked in a harsh whisper, "or is there something funny about this guy?" "I don't think he's very funny," Rainbow said, crossing her forelegs as she hovered above her friends. "More like grumpy." "No, I've dealt with grumpy before," Pinkie said, "and cranky and grouchy and angry and stinky. This guy's more like..." Her lips pursed as her hidden tongue searched for the right word. "Dark," Twilight said. Pinkie beamed. "Yeah! Exactly! He seems super dark and gloomy. But not in a sad kinda way, more like he's--" "We get it, Pinkie," Applejack said. "Goodness me, Miss Interruption," Rarity scorned. "Why the impatience?" "Why all the useless ramblin' from y'all? You don't have to explain every little thing yer thinkin', y'know." "All right, girls, hold on," Twilight said. "First things first. Let's check this crater, and then we'll turn our attention to our... new friend." They watched him climb a few more strained feet before trotting to the new hole in the ancient canyon's bottom. ~~~ "This'll be too easy," Lucifer grumbled through a tight smile, lifting himself onto another rough rock. "As long as I can figure out how to get these clunky hooves to work, all I gotta do is avoid everypony. Er... everyone. Dang it." Another grunt, another rock. He looked down and looked up and decided he was halfway. "Wow. Not bad, old horse. I'm barely even sweating." He wiped said sweat from his brow and took on another ledge. "Weird to be... breathing hard..." He wasn't sure who he was talking to. "Haven't felt... warm inside, for... whew... eons." "Who are you talking to?" "Gah!" Lucifer slipped from his new perch and landed on his rump one stone down. "Dang it!" He tossed an angry glance at Rainbow Dash. "What do you want?" "There's no meteor at the bottom of that hole thing," Rainbow said. She was able to point a hoof behind her without getting it in the way of her wings. Lucifer watched closely, wondering if he could copy her techniques. "So?" He sighed and turned back to his task. "It probably blew up. Meteors do that, you know." "It wasn't a meteor," said the voice of Twilight Sparkle. Lucifer didn't turn around this time, hopping up the rocks a little quicker. "Meteors come from outer space," Twilight continued. "This came from a hole in the sky." "Creepy," Lucifer said. Twilight snorted. "Where did you come from?" "Hoofington." "You said Hoofland before." "Yeah, whatever." He hoisted himself, got his balance, and waved a dismissive front hoof. "Hoofland, Hoofville, something like that. I told you, it's a tiny town. We don't really care about what it's called." “Speakin’ o’ names,” Applejack shouted, following the Devil's path ten times as fast, leaping from one elevated stone ledge to the next, “you haven’t yet told us yers.” He glanced down to watch her for a moment. The effortlessness bothered him. "So what is it?" she asked as she caught up, standing on the rock below his and flicking a drip of sweat from the tip of her yellow mane. His snout twitched. "What's what?" "Yer name, stranger.” The others were close behind her. Fluttershy drifted on quiet wings, whispering to Pinkie Pie who bounced up even more carelessly than Applejack. Lucifer cleared his throat to buy some time, wringing his imagination in search of a believable name. Every soul in Hell was given a new name upon arrival, though those were strange, indecent labels meant to debase their self-worth. Names like Wormwood, Screwtape, Moistturd, Blackbile… nothing like Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash, let alone Fluttershy. Pinkie’s voice suddenly blasted through the silence. “And Fluttershy wants to know what your Cutie Mark is! Well, I wanna know, too, and I’m sure everypony else wants to know, but Fluttershy’s been wanting to ask you for a while!” Pressure dropped onto the Devil’s shoulders. Cutie Mark? Wasn't that the tattoo on their butts? He hadn’t even noticed his own. What had God branded him with? A pentagram? 666? Nervously, he twisted his head around, lifting a long batwing out of the way to survey his decorated flank. There, stamped among his wine-red coat, was a simple clay lamp. At its spout glowed a single star. He gawked at the symbol for a moment, instantly understanding its literal implications. “Lucifer,” after all, meant “light-bearer” and was once the name for the Morning Star—later identified as a planet and renamed Venus. But why was it the symbol of his so-called “special talent”? What about a star and a lamp told of who he was? “Well?” Applejack urged. All six mares from their various heights leaned toward him expectantly. Lucifer shut his eyes and sighed through his nose before giving in to the obvious. “Morning Star,” he spat, using his wings to thrust himself up another level. “My name is Morning Star, and my Cutie Mark… is a long story.” Forcing a conclusive smile, he ignored the gaze of Twilight Sparkle. "Think he's telling the truth?" Rainbow Dash whispered to her. A few flaps passed in silence. "Yes and no," Twilight answered. Author's Note Some of the comments below might not make sense because this story has undergone massive rewrites in 2015. Forgive my early brony mistakes. No Cheating“Are you hungry, Mister Star?" Pinkie Pie chirped from above as the Devil approached the top of the canyon. "No," he lied, hooves shivering under the strain of one more heave. How had she gotten ahead of him so fast? And without even breaking a sweat? "'Cause if you are, I brought some pie!" He glanced up, panting. "What?" Pinkie revealed two wicker baskets from behind her... back? That didn't make any sense. Lucifer blinked as she violently tossed open the baskets' lids. Inexplicably, at least two dozen apple pies leapt from the thing and landed in neat piles all around her. "Holy horseshoes, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack said. “I’ve never seen so much food come out o’ two little baskets before!” “Pfff... I have,” Lucifer mumbled under his breath. "Want one, Morning Star?” Pinkie asked the Devil. He took a few deep breaths and eyed her wide grin. "Uh... no." He grunted and set his sore hooves onto the next rock up. "Oh, for the love of..." Rainbow Dash swooped out of nowhere and caught Lucifer under his forelegs from behind. He could only yelp in the time she carried him the last fifty feet or so and set him next to Pinkie's pies. "Hey!" Lucifer's brow creased. "You're welcome," Rainbow spat, "slowpoke." "Have a pie!" Pinkie encouraged, gesturing to the piles. "I will not have a pie," said the Devil in a huff, "and I'm not grateful for your help. I could have made it out myself." He stood up and shook out his dark grey mane. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way." "Where are you going?" Twilight asked, landing with Rainbow on the other side of Pinkie. "Away from you," he said with a sneer, and began to trot away. The six ponies glanced at one another, then followed. The Devil heard their hoofsteps and turned around. "What do you want?" Their only answer were six concerned stares colored with various emotions. Confusion, frustration, suspicion. The usual. "Go away." He turned again and trotted faster. So did they. It was like six colorful balloons were tied to his tail and dragging along the dusty ground behind him. "Ugh! Leave me alone," he said over his shoulder. "No," Twilight said. "Why not?" "Because you're weird," Rainbow said, "and we don't trust you." "Weird?" He barked a laugh. "You're a talking horse with rainbow hair. And I'm the weird one?" "Huh?" "You're acting rather suspicious," Twilight said. "We've been around enough trouble to recognize it when it falls out of the sky." "Look, I'm not planning anything devious," Lucifer said without stopping his quick trot. "Just leave me alone and I'll leave you alone, and then in a week we'll be fine." Rainbow Dash landed hard in front of him. He squeaked in surprise and sat on his haunches, wings partly open. “Does it hurt when you fly?” Rainbow suddenly asked. "Uhhh... what?" "You're not using your wings. Are you, like, hurt or something?" “I just don't like flying,” Lucifer said, examining one of his leathery appendages. “I have to ask, Morning Star,” Twilight Sparkle spoke up from behind. “You aren’t a pure pegapterus, are you?” He rotated his head enough to see her. “Excuse me?” “I mean to say, you must have had only one pegapterus parent, correct?” “Peg-gap-ter-iss?” Lucifer repeated slowly. Twilight’s ears twitched. “A… bat-winged pony, Mister Star?” Something clicked in the Devil’s mind. “Oh, right!” he said with a low laugh. “Is that how you say it? I’ve always pronounced it pega-tare-iss in my mind, see, silencing the middle P. Can’t say I’ve spent much time around others of my kind.” Twilight's eyes narrowed. So did Applejack's. "Why do you ask that, Twilight?" Fluttershy spoke up. “His eyes,” she said. “Your pupils are round like ours, rather than slits like a dragon’s. That’s where the race comes from, you see: interbreeding between pegasi and draconic creatures thousands of years ago.” “Eeeeww!” Pinkie Pie grimaced, shuddering so badly that her hair quivered through the rest of her protest. “Twilight, that’s gross! Dragons and ponies can’t interbreed.” “Not dragons, Pinkie,” Twilight expounded. “Draconic creatures. It was long before the Pre-Classical Era; the creatures in question are probably extinct now, at least within Equestria.” “Your mane’s different, too,” Fluttershy added softly. “Pegapteri have webby manes that match their wings. Yours is lovely.” She seemed surprised at her own compliment, shrinking beneath a lock of pink hair that she somehow managed to drape over her entire face. Lucifer was thrown off by the comment. "It is?" he asked, and reached up a hoof to feel the hair that curled around and under his large ears. "Huh..." Fluttershy smiled at his strange reaction. "Hasn't anypony ever complimented your mane before, Mister Star?" "Uh... yeah, sure," Lucifer said, playing with the locks above his eyes. "All the time." "Y'know," said Applejack, "if you really don't got nothin' to hide, you could just tell us what yer doin' here without all the lies." "Hmm? Oh." He cleared his throat and slicked his mane back. "Force of habit, I guess. Yeah, no, no one's ever complimented me before." “Well, she's certainly right,” Rarity said, approaching him. “Your coloring is simply dazzling. Such rich, somber tones in your mahogany coat and dark grey mane, stunningly contrasted by those brightest of eyes.” Lucifer grinned a little, his curiosity getting the best of him. “What color would you call them?” “Your eyes?” she asked. “Goodness, I can hardly say. Common nomenclature hardly seems to do them justice. I suppose that, refraining from slang, I would have to call them… chartreuse!” Well, that didn’t exactly help. Hailing from the colorless depths of Hell itself, Lucifer had never been much of a decorator. His smile drooped as Rarity put a thoughtful hoof to her chin. “Oh, I bet you look absolutely fabulous in black…” she mused, more to herself than anypony else. "Rarity, this guy could be some kind of crazy villain!" Rainbow Dash said. "And you're thinking about playing dress up with him?" "Well, can't you just imagine him in a top hat?” Rarity said, pointing to indicate the invisible piece. "Oh, no, never mind, it would hide your coiffure. Oh, of course! A fashionable collar piece!” “Rarity—” “Oh, what am I saying? Hoity Toity stopped wearing his weeks ago! Celestia forbid I design you something out of style.” Lucifer grunted. "Yeah, I'm not a model, lady." “A bow tie wouldn’t be enough,” Rarity continued under her breath, “but a cloak would be far too much... maybe a vest?” Lucifer's ears pricked. "A vest?" He looked down at his chest. "Hmm... that would actually be pretty..." He blinked and shook his head hard. "No! For Dad's sake, leave me alone! I'm just gonna head out into the desert or whatever and hang around for a week. If you don't bother me I won't bother you, and everyone south of the clouds will be happy." "South of the clouds?" Twilight repeated, glancing upward. Lucifer whipped around and galloped away. Rainbow started to follow, but Applejack grabbed her tail in her teeth. "No use, Rainbow," she said, shaking her head. "Some ponies just ain't lookin' fer friendship." "I'm not looking for friendship either, Applejack," Rainbow yelled. "Can't you see he's clearly dangerous?" "He's headed away from Ponyville," Twilight said. "Maybe he's serious about staying away." "I don't buy it," Rainbow said, folding her forelegs. "Well, we'll keep an eye out," Twilight said, pushing her mouth to one side. "I doubt Morning Star is worse than anything we've handled before." ~~~ Lucifer grumbled under his breath. "A vest... wants to make a stupid black vest. Who cares about a vest? Can't believe I was gonna... pff. Stupid ponies and their pies and..." He glanced over the shoulder. The six mares were nowhere in sight. In fact, nothing much was in sight at all. Just a brown, cartoony desert filled with rocks and dirt. "That's more like it," he said with a crooked grin. He dropped to his haunches and outstretched his wings. "Ooohh... that does kinda hurt, actually," he said aloud. "Maybe I just need to..." Still sitting, he started flapping his wings as hard as he could. A few rough flaps slid him through the dirt, but there was no takeoff. "Pff... stupid wings." He folded them back at his sides and stared toward the horizon. A great, skinny mountain poked up in the distance. Some sort of city hung from its side. "Looks like Olympus has been sliding," he said, chuckling at himself. "Too bad. That kept 'em distracted from the Big Guy for centuries." He stared at the hazy silhouette a bit longer and then drug his hooves through the dirt. "Yup. Just gotta sit here and wait... for one week... and then I'll win the challenge. Ha haaa. God won't know what hit Him." "I know everything," a voice said from behind him. The Devil yelped and spun around, on his hooves faster than he knew he could jump. "Jeez, Dad, don't do that! Especially when I'm totally powerless like this." "You're cheating," God said. He wore an amused grin. The Devil guffawed. "What?" "You're cheating. You can't just hide away in the desert and expect to win this bet. You have to be among the ponies for one week and not make a single friend. That's the only way I'll let you keep your garbage on the internet." "Okay, first of all, it is not my garbage. That stuff is disgusting. But it does its job." He cleared his throat. "Secondly, I can't cheat if we didn't establish any rules in the first place." "We did." "And lastly, I'm the freaking Devil! Cheating is kind of my thing." "And justice is kind of mine," God said. "So if you want to win this fair and square -- which is the only kind of winning I accept -- I suggest you follow their hoofprints back to their village and prove to me that these ponies are nothing more than exploitable fiction." Lucifer groaned. "Thaaaat's soooo stuuuupiiiiiid." God only laughed, shaking the rocks around them, and then he disappeared. Lucifer offset his jaw and paced in tight circles. "Go back to their stupid village and show the stupid ponies... exploitable? They're less than exploitable! They're Flash animated nothingness with forced adorability! Grruuugh..." He stopped and looked back to where he'd climbed out of the gorge. "Okay, fine. I'll go crash these ponies' party. What's a better way to avoid friendship than showing them just how villainous I really am?"
The ChallengeAuthor's Note A Foreword from the Author This story is going to offend people. I already know that. In fact, being a religious man, I’m a little offended by it myself. But the concept is just too funny to ignore. My characterizations of central Biblical characters (including God himself, the Devil, Jesus Christ, and more) are meant to be humorous, casual, and exaggerated. Their traits, relationships, and interactions do not reflect my actual beliefs and are designed purely as plot devices. Yes, this is somewhat influenced by the cartoon “God, the Devil, and Bob,” but does not exist in the same universe. My versions of the ethereal entities are very different from those in the aforementioned show, although their relationships are admittedly similar. This is largely due to the fact that the famous parable of Job inspired both “Bob” and the story you’re about to read. If you are easily offended, please don’t read this. If you are less easily offended, take it with a grain of salt. If you are not easily offended, enjoy. Ponky The Challenge Lucifer dropped onto his favorite stool in the dingiest bar in Hell with a tired sigh. It had been a long day, what with all those graduating teenagers to tempt in America. He didn’t do much tempting himself anymore; over the millennia he had trained enough demons to do the job for him, but he still liked to oversee. These days it hardly took a prod in the wrong direction for some of those wayward teens to sin. On the other end of the spectrum, some of them were positively exhausting, adamantly refusing to give in. They usually cracked under the influence of twenty or thirty demons, though others simply would not cave. Those most righteous souls were assigned a number of Sentinel Devils, a long and tedious process. He tapped on the counter with a long, clawed finger, startling the bony bartender on its other side. “Your Wretchedness!” the worker bumbled, bowing awkwardly over his arrangement of shot glasses. “Save it, Moistturd,” Lucifer grumbled, resting his head on his fist as he leaned halfway across the bar. “Just gimme the usual.” “Yes, Your Travesty,” the old soul obeyed, pouring his Father Below a tall glass of fermented magma. The Devil took a long swig of the stuff, letting its warmth sear his icy innards. He shuddered involuntarily. “Thanks, Colonel,” he muttered, setting his drink on the counter with a clink. The bartender grinned sheepishly. “Colonel? Heh. Haven’t held that title in more than a hundred years.” “Yeah, well, you lived a colonel, you died a colonel, and you’re still a colonel to me,” the Devil rattled off with a friendly smirk. Colonel Moistturd’s widened. “Thank you, Your Wretchedness,” he said sincerely. “You sure know how to brighten up somebody’s day.” “Least I can do.” He took another flaming drink. The bar was nearly empty, aside from a few slumped customers chatting quietly at booths along the back wall. No doubt remembering old times, back when they had names that didn’t inspire a sickened flinch, back when they could watch the sun swirl around their little world, back when colors brought to life the most mundane of things. There was no color in Hell. None of the bright, vibrant hues of Earth, anyway, and nothing near the glorious shades of Heaven. Lucifer sighed, remembering old times of his own. The door to the bar swung open, bringing in a noisy gust of wind and a huge, cloaked customer. The newcomer’s robe flapped theatrically around his person for a moment before he stepped inside and gently shut the door behind him. Lucifer was glad for the wind: it meant there was a flurry of damned souls on their way down. Maybe a group of partying high school graduates had died in an explosion, or maybe an unfortunate batch of drunkards had caused a fatal accident on a major highway. His attention was refocused by the towering figure who stepped slowly across the room. Though the long bar's stools were empty of patrons other than the Devil, the hooded mammoth of a soul took the seat directly to his left. Lucifer was not easily intimidated. Despite his scrawny, hollow appearance and just-below-average height, his supernatural powers of darkness and deception were forces to be reckoned with. Unlike many portrayals in human art, the Devil did not have wings, or a tail, and he couldn’t remember ever using a pitchfork. In fact, in his natural form, he looked rather like a human. The only significant differences were his uncanny thinness, his dry, grey skin, the pair of short horns protruding from his scalp, and his long, taloned fingers with infinitely opposable joints. The cloaked customer was nearly three times as wide as Lucifer and more than a head taller. Only his massive, work-calloused hands were left uncovered by the charcoal robe. For one reason or another, Lucifer felt a growing sense of uneasiness as the stranger sat in total silence. Moistturd paid the pair no mind, moving to another corner of his workspace to continue shining cups. Finally, the stranger spoke in a deep, resonant voice that made the vessels in Lucifer’s eyeballs swell with freezing blood. “Hello, Lucy." The tone was jovial. The Devil groaned. “Hi, Dad.” Another minute of silence passed as both waited for the other to begin a conversation. In the end, it was God who began it all. As always. “This place hasn’t changed a bit,” He acknowledged, turning this way and that as he surveyed the tiny tavern. “Never does,” Lucifer agreed. “Haven’t seen you here in ages.” God nodded. “Everybody has those days.” Lucifer quirked an eyebrow skeptically. “Not you.” “True,” God admitted, leaning back a bit on his stool. It creaked beneath his healthy weight. “Though I wouldn’t mind a drink right about now.” Moistturd perked up, turning unknowingly to the Forger of his soul. “What can I get you, sir?” “How much for a glass of water?” He asked. Moistturd blinked once. “Uh… nothing, sir.” “Then I’ll take one.” With a slightly bemused smile, Moistturd fulfilled the order, setting a tall glass of clear water in front of the enormous figure. With a wave of his burly hand, the liquid changed to a deep red color. Lucifer rolled his eyes. The bartender’s throat closed as he realized the implications of the miracle. “You… y-y-you’re…” he attempted. God held up a preventive palm. “It’s all right,” He comforted. “Go back to work. I’m just here on a little business.” The ex-colonel nodded frantically, turning away from his Maker with terrified haste. “A little business?” Lucifer repeated. His Father chuckled. “Indeed, I’m afraid I didn’t come here for the weather. Or the scenery.” The Devil growled. “Then get on with it.” “Actually, I’m here to pick a bone with you—” “Surprise, surprise.” “—on behalf of your brother.” Lucifer’s abdomen clenched painfully. “Is that so?” he asked through gritted teeth. “Was it while He was teaching you that one?” He pointed at the ignored glass of wine in front of his Father. God laughed, rumbling the entire building. “Other way around, Lucy,” He quipped. “But no, this was a recent request. It has come to His attention that, once again, you’ve specifically corrupted one of His most precious gifts to humanity.” “Specifically corrupted, eh?” the Devil asked. “What does that mean?” “It means that you have taken something meant to inspire Good and warped it into something that reeks of Evil.” “Oh!” Lucifer chirped. “Like, uh... television and the internet.” “Yes, but even more specific. In fact, this particular corruption has a lot to do with the internet.” The Devil raised a patchy eyebrow. “Is it the changes I made to Facebook?” God took a deep breath. "Well, it's hard to explain without using human terms, so I’ll resort to the words they’ve given the phenomenon on Earth.” He leaned closer to His estranged son and lowered his voice seriously. “They call it… Rule Thirty Four.” In seconds, Lucifer had broken down, cackling delightedly and pounding his twisted fist against the countertop. The cups of wine and cooling magma rattled with every slam, accompanying the devilish laughter with interspersed buzzes of glass against glass. “Oh, that is too much!” he gasped with his cheek against the bar. “That is just too much! The Big Guy had a little run-in with Rule Thirty-Four, did He? Hhhhhhaaa-ha-ha-ha!” He wiped a chilly tear from his eye, sitting bolt upright with a malevolent sneer around his pointed teeth. “What did He see, huh? Was it something of Him? Oh my badness, that is too funny…” “As I’ve said,” God continued tranquilly, “it was a specific corruption of one of His most beloved and recent attempts to spread love in first-world countries.” Still smirking, the Devil shrugged. “A television show, Lucifer,” God expounded as seriously as before. “A cartoon. A prime target for your abhorrent Rule: while a majority of its characters are strong females, designed to be visually and emotionally attractive, its most devoted audience is vastly comprised of young adult males who—” “No freaking way!” the Devil shouted. “Are you talking about My Little Pony?” Beneath his hood, God stifled a smile. “So you are familiar.” “Familiar?” Lucifer guffawed. “Dad, that show has been a goldmine for me! It attracts the most innocent little viewers seeking all that is virtuous, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy—you know the type—and they get absorbed in the Brony Movement and the online culture, and before too long they start Googling images of their favorite characters and delving into the more obscure fanfictions and BAM! I get one of my boys to throw a nice appetizer of Rule Thirty-Four in their faces. More often than not, they fall like flies.” “I am well aware,” God said sadly, “as is a rather flustered member of our family.” “Yeah, well, up His,” Lucifer profaned. His Father’s shoulders seemed to broaden, if even possible. All things are possible with— Yeah, yeah, I know, he interrupted his own mind. “Lucifer, you were once a Son of the Morning,” He said in a voice the Devil mentally described as a hushed bellow. “It would be wise for someone with your understanding of His sacrifice and position to show some respect.” The exile cringed. “Sorry,” he whispered quickly. God seemed to relax a little. “I will waste no more of our time.” The Devil snorted at the ridiculous notion of wasting an Eternal Being’s “time,” but listened as his Father continued. “My Son asks that you remove all Friendship is Magic-related pornography from the internet.” “No way,” the Devil said. “As He expected,” God continued, “so I am now going to offer you a challenge.” Lucifer’s eyelid twitched. “A… challenge?” He slid his right hand over his sunken face. “Dad, we did this last time you came down here, remember? What was that guy’s name… the super righteous one I called a tool.” “Job.” “Yeah, him. Look, I learned my lesson, okay? There are people up there who actually love you no matter what. I don’t really get it, but I accept it. But I’m not accepting another challenge from the Creator of the Universe.” “I think you might want to hear it out, Lucy,” God said. “It’s quite an interesting prospect.” Arguing was fruitless. Lucifer knew that from the get-go. Moaning impatiently, he swiveled on his stool to face his Father and waited for the terms with a disinterested squint. “My Son is under the impression that you still have some Good in you,” He began. “I’m not sure if I agree. In any case, He suggests that if you only experienced the sincerity and craft of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, even you would be disgusted by the idea of its corruption.” Lucifer tilted his head down, staring incredulously into the shadowy space beneath his Father’s hood. “You’re saying Jesus is daring me to be a Brony?” he asked. “Not exactly,” God clarified. “He’s 'daring' you to be a pony.” For the first time in several minutes, a desperately uncomfortable silence hung humidly around the pair. “Wha… huh?” “It is proposed that I place you inside the world of the show,” He explained with a hint of amusement in his rich voice. “Your brother believes that if you spend a sufficient amount of time among the ponies in an exact replica of Equestria—” “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” “—that you will come to appreciate and respect them as much as He does.” “You have got to be kidding me!” "You will live among them for one week. If, in that amount of time, you can manage not to befriend any of them, you will win the challenge and may leave the internet as it stands.” “What? Is this some sort of sick joke? I'm the one who invented sick jokes!” "However, if you do befriend any of the ponies during those seven days, you will fail and be required to remove all pony pornography." "I literally do not believe this." “Do you accept the challenge?” “You're just gonna snap your big, beefy fingers and send me into someplace called Equestria? Are you even listening to yourself? What kind of stupid pun is Equestria, anyway!?" “Do you accept the challenge?” “… Yes.” And with a snap of His big, beefy fingers—along with an almost giddy smile—God sent the Devil into a prepared dimension that perfectly mirrored the universe of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic up to the end of its fourth season. As the gloomy bar disappeared from around him, Lucifer wondered why he had accepted. Was it simply his pride? That seemed to be the root of most of his problems. Did he just want to prove to his All-Powerful Father and Self-Righteous Big Brother that he could spend forever among those pathetic pastel ponies without changing his ways? Did he want to rub his success in Their glorious faces while thousands of corrupted souls linked their own chains of damnation with every clopfic and NSFW image that poisoned their precious minds? Or did he just really, really, really want to piss off Twilight Sparkle?
ArrivalSix mares sat in a crystal tree. Twilight's tongue played at the corner of her mouth as she filed through a stack of neat papers, scanning her eyes and humming to herself. "Annnnd... yeah, I think that's it. Well done, everypony! Our first Conference is complete!" A round of relieved groans and sighs spun around the table. "Thank goodness!" "Finally..." "Is it gonna be this long every time?" Twilight winced, but smiled. "No, Rainbow, hopefully not. I think the more of these we have, the faster we'll get. We can learn to streamline past the less important subjects and focus on what matters most." "Less important subjects?" Rarity glanced over her copy of the same list. "Twilight, the Princesses have yet to assign us anything that even hints at being 'unimportant'. This country is essentially run on the fuels of friendship and harmony, and as the selected Committee in charge of--" "We know, Rarity," Applejack piped in, cracking her neck. Fluttershy winced. "We all know what we're in for. Life ain't lookin' to stay the same fer anypony here. Probably not for anypony in this whole town." "Oh, dear..." Twilight said under her breath. Rarity lifted her snout. "It's not very nice to interrupt, Applejack." "Well, we ain't got time to list--" BOOM! A mighty crack and a flash of light ripped the scene's tranquility. The mares gasped and rushed to the nearest window. A bizarre hole closed itself low in the sky, and from its vanishing point a streak of otherworldly smoke curled downwards at a clear angle. "What was that!?" Pinkie yelled. "Something must have come out of that portal," Twilight said, squinting. "I think following that smoke would take us to it." "Looks like it went to Ghastly Gorge!" "Come on, girls!" Twilight swept above them on trained wings, turning regally to face her friends from the glittering room's tall entrance. "There's not a moment to lose! Ponyville could be in danger!" Her friends galloped after her, mostly in silence. Fluttershy's chants were the exception: “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness…” ~~~ “Oh my badness, oh my badness, oh my badness, oh my badness…” Lucifer grumbled as he rolled out of the steaming crater at the bottom of a daunting canyon. He certainly had not been expecting such a violent entrance to this spur-of-the-moment challenge. “Hey, thanks for the nice soft landing!” he yelled at the sky through a cloud of dirt. “Really makes me want to give this thing my all.” “You don’t need help there,” God’s voice answered unexpectedly. Lucifer yelped and leapt back, nearly stumbling over his four burgundy legs. Wait a minute… The Devil swung his head downward, surveying his new equine body. “Oh, sweet!” he cheered, twisting his pony-neck left and right to see the whole picture. He was tall and thin, his coat a sheen maroon, his thick, long mane a charcoal grey. “Hey, what color are my eyes?” he asked God through the surrounding walls of dust, pointing to his face. “I’ll let you find out for yourself,” He responded, but Lucifer had moved on to another source of curious excitement. “Wings!” he nearly squealed, experimentally flapping the leathery, bat-like appendages sprouting from his back. “Awesome!” “You seem rather excited,” God’s voice acknowledged playfully. “Yeah, well… what’s the point in being otherwise?” The cloud of dust had finally settled enough that God was visible. He was not a pony, but was no longer wearing His concealing cloak. Instead His muscular body was adorned with a pinkish-white robe of exquisite fineness that seemed to flow ethereally around His frame. His dark blue eyes shone with power, popping against the white waves of His hair and beard. “Lookin' good, Dad,” Lucifer said. “Can’t quite say the same for you,” God replied with a fatherly grin, “though you look much better than you did a moment ago.” “Gee, thanks,” the Devil droned. He stretched out his limbs, flexing different muscles and getting a feel for his new body. “Everything in order? Are you feeling dizzy or unbalanced?” “Not more than I ought to, considering I just plummeted into solid stone from a few hundred feet in the air,” he complained. “Remember, Dad, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been transforming into animals since day one.” “Don’t remind me.” Lucifer hissed. “Well, thanks for making me an alicorn, at least,” he quickly added, flicking his wings in and out a few times before folding them proudly at his sides. “That should make this a lot more fun.” With a kindly smile, God stepped forward to Lucifer and patted his hornless head. “Sorry, Lucy,” he said, “no magic. That would ruin the whole game.” The Devil’s giant, expressive eye twitched in terror. “No… magic?” he asked. “No… no horn? I’m just a pegasus!?” God laughed for the second time that day. It was not a scornful laugh, but genuinely amused. “Oh, Lucifer. I’m beginning to think your brother was really onto something with this idea.” “No, no, no, no, no, no, this has got to be a mistake.” The Devil’s pupils gleamed. “I can’t do this without powers. I… I won’t know what to do!” “Good luck, son,” God offered with a smile. He pointed. "Remember: not one friend." Unceremoniously, he vanished. The dust had settled completely now. A tall, maroon pony with bat-like wings stood stock still on four spread legs, staring into space with an exaggerated expression of total disbelief. “I don’t know what to do,” he breathed, trying to wrap his mind around his sudden, ridiculous circumstances. How had this even happened? Why was this happening? His Father never became this involved in his affairs. Their battle for the souls of men was heated, surely, but rarely were the Devil’s plots snuffed out or even tampered with by his far more powerful opponent. Both of them knew that in order for mankind to willfully choose Good, they must be subjected to Evil. Opposition in all things. What did his ponification have to do with the ultimate war? His answerless train of thought was interrupted by the thunder of distant hoofsteps. Snapping out of his trance, the Devil turned his burgundy head toward the worrisome noise. Approaching ponies? Were they royal officers bent on detaining him? Or frightened villagers with torches and pitchforks… or whatever rioting ponies used? He swallowed nervously, pattering his hooves against the canyon’s ground… Far down the canyon, Lucifer spotted a relatively small crowd of silhouettes barrel around a corner into his section of the gorge. Their colors immediately stood out against the dull brown of the canyon walls: white, pink, orange, yellow, sky blue, and light violet. A curious grin began to pull back the corners of the Devil’s mouth. Along with it came a hurricane of conflicting thoughts and emotions that ricocheted around his skull like houseflies in a cardboard box. You can do this. Keep your cool. You are one of the most powerful, influential entities in the universe. You are Satan, the Adversary, the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, the Rebel of Heaven, the Beast of Revelations, the personification of all that is Evil. Huh... they're kinda cute. I don't have a single friend in the universe, and none of these ridiculous creatures can change that. There is nothing they can do to make me give in to my brother’s absurd demands. I really like their manes. “Excuse me?” Twilight Sparkle called out to him from quite a distance. “Excuse me, sir? Are you all right?” He cleared his throat and looked away, waiting for them to approach before he answered. “Yeah, I think I’ll be just fine,” he said loudly as they stopped and looked on from fifty feet or so, "as long as you lot stay out of my... uh... mane."
And Then They Climbed Out of the Gorge“Yer sayin’ you were already down here?" Applejack asked. "And that freaky meteor almost hit’cha?” “Exactly,” the stranger answered with a single nod. “What were you doing at the bottom of a canyon?” Pinkie Pie asked. Lucifer shrugged. He was good at this part. “Oh, you know. Enjoying the natural beauty. I'm of the opinion that life must be lived in the constant presence of beautiful things." Among his small audience, Rarity lifted a brow. “And I had hoped to spot a nest of Quarray Eels,” the stallion continued. “I have something of an obsession for strange and exotic animals.” Fluttershy’s pupils grew. The stallion suddenly laughed. “Not to mention the acoustics down here are the best I’ve ever heard! Why, just before the meteor hit I was singing at the top of my lungs about how happy I am to be alive!” Pinkie Pie’s smile pushed her cheeks against her eyeballs. “And, of course,” he added with an audacious grin, snapping his featherless wings to their full extension, “the obstacles within the crags create a perfect course for me to practice my speed, agility, and…” He whipped his charcoal mane and struck a pose. “…awesomeness.” Rainbow Dash pushed her jaw to one side. “You from out o’ town? I reckon I ain’t seen ya in Ponyville before,” Applejack said. “Yes, of course, I flew here from, uh... Hoofland just this morning.” Twilight's brow furrowed and she opened her mouth, but Applejack spoke first. “I ain't never heard of it. How long was the flight?” Lucifer grinned. "Oh, yeah, you wouldn't have. It's a little place, up the mountains. For the last few months I’ve been flying all over Equestria, you know... enjoying the landscape, y'know. Trying to be alone." "Alone?" Pinkie asked, leaping forward. Lucifer stepped back. "What do you want to be alone for? Sounds like your the making of a good friend!" "Ah-heh-heh-heh!" A flighty laugh, an awkward shifting of heavy hooves. "Yeeeeah, no. I'm really not one to make friends." He sneered in Pinkie's direction. "Ponies bore me." "I'm not boring!" Pinkie promised, bouncing even closer. "None of us are! And just your luck, we're the new Committee of Equestrian Friendship! Our whole job is to find ponies like you and make sure they're as happy as they can be." Lucifer grit his teeth. "Oh, I assure you, I'm plenty happy." He stretched his wings out and flapped experimentally, rising a foot or two above the ground. Grinning, he turned back to the group. "Well, I best be off and leave you to your investigation. Hope you find out where that terrifying meteor came from. I didn't even see it coming!" He flapped harder. "Bye now." Rainbow Dash was suddenly in front of him. He yipped and fell to the right, flapping frantically before coasting to a rough landing behind the mares. They turned and watched him straighten up. "He flies worse than you, Twi," Rainbow muttered. "I heard that," Lucifer said, "and it was rude. I'm just... in shock, is all." "Oh dear," Fluttershy cooed, hurrying forward. "Do you think you'll be all right? I've been working with Nurse Redheart to understand pony health as well as I do animals'. Why don't you lie down and tell me about some of the creatures you've seen down here. You said you're interested in them, right?" "Ohhh, yeees," Lucifer said, grinning crookedly at her. He held out a wing to prevent her from reaching him. "I find them so much more tolerable than the obnoxious ponies trying to fix all my problems." Fluttershy gasped. "Really? Me, too!" Her wide eyes turned and found her friends. "Er, I mean... not that I think ponies are all that obnoxious..." "Well, I do," Lucifer said, and turned his back to Fluttershy. "Now if you'll excuse me--" He tried once more to fly upwards, but couldn't quite angle himself right. Landing a little better than his first try, he took off at a brisk pace towards the wall of the gorge. "I think I'll just climb out." He began to do just that, lifting and grunting and flapping from ledge to jagged ledge. The six mares drew closer to one another and watched with tilted eyes. "Is it just me," Pinkie asked in a harsh whisper, "or is there something funny about this guy?" "I don't think he's very funny," Rainbow said, crossing her forelegs as she hovered above her friends. "More like grumpy." "No, I've dealt with grumpy before," Pinkie said, "and cranky and grouchy and angry and stinky. This guy's more like..." Her lips pursed as her hidden tongue searched for the right word. "Dark," Twilight said. Pinkie beamed. "Yeah! Exactly! He seems super dark and gloomy. But not in a sad kinda way, more like he's--" "We get it, Pinkie," Applejack said. "Goodness me, Miss Interruption," Rarity scorned. "Why the impatience?" "Why all the useless ramblin' from y'all? You don't have to explain every little thing yer thinkin', y'know." "All right, girls, hold on," Twilight said. "First things first. Let's check this crater, and then we'll turn our attention to our... new friend." They watched him climb a few more strained feet before trotting to the new hole in the ancient canyon's bottom. ~~~ "This'll be too easy," Lucifer grumbled through a tight smile, lifting himself onto another rough rock. "As long as I can figure out how to get these clunky hooves to work, all I gotta do is avoid everypony. Er... everyone. Dang it." Another grunt, another rock. He looked down and looked up and decided he was halfway. "Wow. Not bad, old horse. I'm barely even sweating." He wiped said sweat from his brow and took on another ledge. "Weird to be... breathing hard..." He wasn't sure who he was talking to. "Haven't felt... warm inside, for... whew... eons." "Who are you talking to?" "Gah!" Lucifer slipped from his new perch and landed on his rump one stone down. "Dang it!" He tossed an angry glance at Rainbow Dash. "What do you want?" "There's no meteor at the bottom of that hole thing," Rainbow said. She was able to point a hoof behind her without getting it in the way of her wings. Lucifer watched closely, wondering if he could copy her techniques. "So?" He sighed and turned back to his task. "It probably blew up. Meteors do that, you know." "It wasn't a meteor," said the voice of Twilight Sparkle. Lucifer didn't turn around this time, hopping up the rocks a little quicker. "Meteors come from outer space," Twilight continued. "This came from a hole in the sky." "Creepy," Lucifer said. Twilight snorted. "Where did you come from?" "Hoofington." "You said Hoofland before." "Yeah, whatever." He hoisted himself, got his balance, and waved a dismissive front hoof. "Hoofland, Hoofville, something like that. I told you, it's a tiny town. We don't really care about what it's called." “Speakin’ o’ names,” Applejack shouted, following the Devil's path ten times as fast, leaping from one elevated stone ledge to the next, “you haven’t yet told us yers.” He glanced down to watch her for a moment. The effortlessness bothered him. "So what is it?" she asked as she caught up, standing on the rock below his and flicking a drip of sweat from the tip of her yellow mane. His snout twitched. "What's what?" "Yer name, stranger.” The others were close behind her. Fluttershy drifted on quiet wings, whispering to Pinkie Pie who bounced up even more carelessly than Applejack. Lucifer cleared his throat to buy some time, wringing his imagination in search of a believable name. Every soul in Hell was given a new name upon arrival, though those were strange, indecent labels meant to debase their self-worth. Names like Wormwood, Screwtape, Moistturd, Blackbile… nothing like Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash, let alone Fluttershy. Pinkie’s voice suddenly blasted through the silence. “And Fluttershy wants to know what your Cutie Mark is! Well, I wanna know, too, and I’m sure everypony else wants to know, but Fluttershy’s been wanting to ask you for a while!” Pressure dropped onto the Devil’s shoulders. Cutie Mark? Wasn't that the tattoo on their butts? He hadn’t even noticed his own. What had God branded him with? A pentagram? 666? Nervously, he twisted his head around, lifting a long batwing out of the way to survey his decorated flank. There, stamped among his wine-red coat, was a simple clay lamp. At its spout glowed a single star. He gawked at the symbol for a moment, instantly understanding its literal implications. “Lucifer,” after all, meant “light-bearer” and was once the name for the Morning Star—later identified as a planet and renamed Venus. But why was it the symbol of his so-called “special talent”? What about a star and a lamp told of who he was? “Well?” Applejack urged. All six mares from their various heights leaned toward him expectantly. Lucifer shut his eyes and sighed through his nose before giving in to the obvious. “Morning Star,” he spat, using his wings to thrust himself up another level. “My name is Morning Star, and my Cutie Mark… is a long story.” Forcing a conclusive smile, he ignored the gaze of Twilight Sparkle. "Think he's telling the truth?" Rainbow Dash whispered to her. A few flaps passed in silence. "Yes and no," Twilight answered. Author's Note Some of the comments below might not make sense because this story has undergone massive rewrites in 2015. Forgive my early brony mistakes.
No Cheating“Are you hungry, Mister Star?" Pinkie Pie chirped from above as the Devil approached the top of the canyon. "No," he lied, hooves shivering under the strain of one more heave. How had she gotten ahead of him so fast? And without even breaking a sweat? "'Cause if you are, I brought some pie!" He glanced up, panting. "What?" Pinkie revealed two wicker baskets from behind her... back? That didn't make any sense. Lucifer blinked as she violently tossed open the baskets' lids. Inexplicably, at least two dozen apple pies leapt from the thing and landed in neat piles all around her. "Holy horseshoes, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack said. “I’ve never seen so much food come out o’ two little baskets before!” “Pfff... I have,” Lucifer mumbled under his breath. "Want one, Morning Star?” Pinkie asked the Devil. He took a few deep breaths and eyed her wide grin. "Uh... no." He grunted and set his sore hooves onto the next rock up. "Oh, for the love of..." Rainbow Dash swooped out of nowhere and caught Lucifer under his forelegs from behind. He could only yelp in the time she carried him the last fifty feet or so and set him next to Pinkie's pies. "Hey!" Lucifer's brow creased. "You're welcome," Rainbow spat, "slowpoke." "Have a pie!" Pinkie encouraged, gesturing to the piles. "I will not have a pie," said the Devil in a huff, "and I'm not grateful for your help. I could have made it out myself." He stood up and shook out his dark grey mane. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way." "Where are you going?" Twilight asked, landing with Rainbow on the other side of Pinkie. "Away from you," he said with a sneer, and began to trot away. The six ponies glanced at one another, then followed. The Devil heard their hoofsteps and turned around. "What do you want?" Their only answer were six concerned stares colored with various emotions. Confusion, frustration, suspicion. The usual. "Go away." He turned again and trotted faster. So did they. It was like six colorful balloons were tied to his tail and dragging along the dusty ground behind him. "Ugh! Leave me alone," he said over his shoulder. "No," Twilight said. "Why not?" "Because you're weird," Rainbow said, "and we don't trust you." "Weird?" He barked a laugh. "You're a talking horse with rainbow hair. And I'm the weird one?" "Huh?" "You're acting rather suspicious," Twilight said. "We've been around enough trouble to recognize it when it falls out of the sky." "Look, I'm not planning anything devious," Lucifer said without stopping his quick trot. "Just leave me alone and I'll leave you alone, and then in a week we'll be fine." Rainbow Dash landed hard in front of him. He squeaked in surprise and sat on his haunches, wings partly open. “Does it hurt when you fly?” Rainbow suddenly asked. "Uhhh... what?" "You're not using your wings. Are you, like, hurt or something?" “I just don't like flying,” Lucifer said, examining one of his leathery appendages. “I have to ask, Morning Star,” Twilight Sparkle spoke up from behind. “You aren’t a pure pegapterus, are you?” He rotated his head enough to see her. “Excuse me?” “I mean to say, you must have had only one pegapterus parent, correct?” “Peg-gap-ter-iss?” Lucifer repeated slowly. Twilight’s ears twitched. “A… bat-winged pony, Mister Star?” Something clicked in the Devil’s mind. “Oh, right!” he said with a low laugh. “Is that how you say it? I’ve always pronounced it pega-tare-iss in my mind, see, silencing the middle P. Can’t say I’ve spent much time around others of my kind.” Twilight's eyes narrowed. So did Applejack's. "Why do you ask that, Twilight?" Fluttershy spoke up. “His eyes,” she said. “Your pupils are round like ours, rather than slits like a dragon’s. That’s where the race comes from, you see: interbreeding between pegasi and draconic creatures thousands of years ago.” “Eeeeww!” Pinkie Pie grimaced, shuddering so badly that her hair quivered through the rest of her protest. “Twilight, that’s gross! Dragons and ponies can’t interbreed.” “Not dragons, Pinkie,” Twilight expounded. “Draconic creatures. It was long before the Pre-Classical Era; the creatures in question are probably extinct now, at least within Equestria.” “Your mane’s different, too,” Fluttershy added softly. “Pegapteri have webby manes that match their wings. Yours is lovely.” She seemed surprised at her own compliment, shrinking beneath a lock of pink hair that she somehow managed to drape over her entire face. Lucifer was thrown off by the comment. "It is?" he asked, and reached up a hoof to feel the hair that curled around and under his large ears. "Huh..." Fluttershy smiled at his strange reaction. "Hasn't anypony ever complimented your mane before, Mister Star?" "Uh... yeah, sure," Lucifer said, playing with the locks above his eyes. "All the time." "Y'know," said Applejack, "if you really don't got nothin' to hide, you could just tell us what yer doin' here without all the lies." "Hmm? Oh." He cleared his throat and slicked his mane back. "Force of habit, I guess. Yeah, no, no one's ever complimented me before." “Well, she's certainly right,” Rarity said, approaching him. “Your coloring is simply dazzling. Such rich, somber tones in your mahogany coat and dark grey mane, stunningly contrasted by those brightest of eyes.” Lucifer grinned a little, his curiosity getting the best of him. “What color would you call them?” “Your eyes?” she asked. “Goodness, I can hardly say. Common nomenclature hardly seems to do them justice. I suppose that, refraining from slang, I would have to call them… chartreuse!” Well, that didn’t exactly help. Hailing from the colorless depths of Hell itself, Lucifer had never been much of a decorator. His smile drooped as Rarity put a thoughtful hoof to her chin. “Oh, I bet you look absolutely fabulous in black…” she mused, more to herself than anypony else. "Rarity, this guy could be some kind of crazy villain!" Rainbow Dash said. "And you're thinking about playing dress up with him?" "Well, can't you just imagine him in a top hat?” Rarity said, pointing to indicate the invisible piece. "Oh, no, never mind, it would hide your coiffure. Oh, of course! A fashionable collar piece!” “Rarity—” “Oh, what am I saying? Hoity Toity stopped wearing his weeks ago! Celestia forbid I design you something out of style.” Lucifer grunted. "Yeah, I'm not a model, lady." “A bow tie wouldn’t be enough,” Rarity continued under her breath, “but a cloak would be far too much... maybe a vest?” Lucifer's ears pricked. "A vest?" He looked down at his chest. "Hmm... that would actually be pretty..." He blinked and shook his head hard. "No! For Dad's sake, leave me alone! I'm just gonna head out into the desert or whatever and hang around for a week. If you don't bother me I won't bother you, and everyone south of the clouds will be happy." "South of the clouds?" Twilight repeated, glancing upward. Lucifer whipped around and galloped away. Rainbow started to follow, but Applejack grabbed her tail in her teeth. "No use, Rainbow," she said, shaking her head. "Some ponies just ain't lookin' fer friendship." "I'm not looking for friendship either, Applejack," Rainbow yelled. "Can't you see he's clearly dangerous?" "He's headed away from Ponyville," Twilight said. "Maybe he's serious about staying away." "I don't buy it," Rainbow said, folding her forelegs. "Well, we'll keep an eye out," Twilight said, pushing her mouth to one side. "I doubt Morning Star is worse than anything we've handled before." ~~~ Lucifer grumbled under his breath. "A vest... wants to make a stupid black vest. Who cares about a vest? Can't believe I was gonna... pff. Stupid ponies and their pies and..." He glanced over the shoulder. The six mares were nowhere in sight. In fact, nothing much was in sight at all. Just a brown, cartoony desert filled with rocks and dirt. "That's more like it," he said with a crooked grin. He dropped to his haunches and outstretched his wings. "Ooohh... that does kinda hurt, actually," he said aloud. "Maybe I just need to..." Still sitting, he started flapping his wings as hard as he could. A few rough flaps slid him through the dirt, but there was no takeoff. "Pff... stupid wings." He folded them back at his sides and stared toward the horizon. A great, skinny mountain poked up in the distance. Some sort of city hung from its side. "Looks like Olympus has been sliding," he said, chuckling at himself. "Too bad. That kept 'em distracted from the Big Guy for centuries." He stared at the hazy silhouette a bit longer and then drug his hooves through the dirt. "Yup. Just gotta sit here and wait... for one week... and then I'll win the challenge. Ha haaa. God won't know what hit Him." "I know everything," a voice said from behind him. The Devil yelped and spun around, on his hooves faster than he knew he could jump. "Jeez, Dad, don't do that! Especially when I'm totally powerless like this." "You're cheating," God said. He wore an amused grin. The Devil guffawed. "What?" "You're cheating. You can't just hide away in the desert and expect to win this bet. You have to be among the ponies for one week and not make a single friend. That's the only way I'll let you keep your garbage on the internet." "Okay, first of all, it is not my garbage. That stuff is disgusting. But it does its job." He cleared his throat. "Secondly, I can't cheat if we didn't establish any rules in the first place." "We did." "And lastly, I'm the freaking Devil! Cheating is kind of my thing." "And justice is kind of mine," God said. "So if you want to win this fair and square -- which is the only kind of winning I accept -- I suggest you follow their hoofprints back to their village and prove to me that these ponies are nothing more than exploitable fiction." Lucifer groaned. "Thaaaat's soooo stuuuupiiiiiid." God only laughed, shaking the rocks around them, and then he disappeared. Lucifer offset his jaw and paced in tight circles. "Go back to their stupid village and show the stupid ponies... exploitable? They're less than exploitable! They're Flash animated nothingness with forced adorability! Grruuugh..." He stopped and looked back to where he'd climbed out of the gorge. "Okay, fine. I'll go crash these ponies' party. What's a better way to avoid friendship than showing them just how villainous I really am?"
