To Dance with a Crow

by Sur-Toufaan

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Sex, Random, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6
Length: 1701

This is the story of two dudes who end up in a land they don't know, for reasons that nobody knows... and for what? Cake, perhaps.

This is the story of two dudes, whose paths cross at an unsavory point, then join for one hell of a ride. Reese, a fairly normal dude just out of high school who quite frankly would rather just watch TV than narrate this; and Alastor, a long haired, short tempered hippie-hating drug dealer. What happens when they arrive in a world such as Equestria?

Published 2015-11-04 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-04 02:00:01 UTC

Bad Company

My name is Reese. I'm from Salinas, California. I'm 18 years old, I have wavy, brown hair, I hate describing myself, and this is the story of how my life got really, really weird one day.

I had just finished high school. Like, just a few weeks before. Then this shit had to happen.
I woke up, blearily looked out the window at the rising sun, and shrugged. Nothing really felt off at that point. I got dressed, ate breakfast and all that shit. I remember looking at my watch and seeing the time, but not what time it was. For whatever reason, that made me decide to head to the park and pick up some bud. I don't smoke often, but I figured I might as well have a nice day. I didn't have a job at the time, you see, on account of I didn't really plan on staying in Salinas for very long. I had applied to multiple colleges but hadn't heard anything as of then.
So yeah. I went to the nearest park in search of somebody who might know where I could pick up some weed. God, I wonder what might have been if I had not. Something tells me I would've ended up here anyway, but it doesn't hurt much to fantasize, does it?
I said bye to my mom, made some bullshit excuse about why I was going out. I can't really remember what I told her. I just wish I told her I loved her. I meandered my way over to the park. A few dudes were hanging out by the skating... pit? I dunno, I don't have the internet here and I don't even care what it's called. Never was much of a skateboarder. A little dude by the name of Carson rolled up when he saw me walk in.
"Hey yo Reese, what's good my nigga?" He said, kicking up his board as he stopped. "Didja hear?" He scratched the side of his head.
"Hear what?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Bongo got caught up, man! Dumbass was sittin' here with his fucking pipe out and six up rolled in."
"Didn't nobody say anything?" I asked.
"Yeah, bro! I even walked up to him and told him! Dumbass just sat there and shrugged. I think he took too many of those xanny bars he got off The Storm."
"Ah well, shit happens, I guess. Speakin' of, you know where I can get an eighth right now?"
His eyes lit up. "Yeah, yeah! See that dude sittin' over there?" He pointed over by the far corner of the park, at a dude with long black hair tied in a kinda girly ponytail. Dude was just munching on some beef jerky. "That guy has HELLA good bud! He's got fuckin' blue dream! Like legit blue dream!"
"Cool. I'll come smoke you out in a minute." I took off toward the guy as Carson rolled back over into the skate place thing. The guy glanced up as he saw me walking toward him, but looked back down at his jerky. I suppose I should describe the motherfucker. Like I said, he has long black hair that he keeps in an admittedly nice looking ponytail. He wore a black and white plaid jacket, gray cargo pants, and black boots. Not the kinda looking dude I'd want to try to fight. He's skinny, but he's toned and in shape. Somehow.
So anyway, I walked up to him. "What's up?" He said.
"Not much." I replied. "Just lookin' for some green." I sat down next to him, keeping an eye out for cops.
"Oh really?" He said. "How much you need?" He pulled over his backpack.
"Can you do an eighth for thirty-five?" I asked.
"It's called a grinder. We use them to grind up our weed."
Huh? "Say what now?" I said.
He blinked, appearing just as surprised as I was. "Sorry, I meant to say 'yeah, sure.'. Not sure when I was supposed to say that... anyway, yeah." He shuffled around in hid bag for a minute and pulled out a bag with some crystally buds in it. He looked at me expectantly, casually glancing around for trouble. I pulled out my cash and we quickly exchanged the goods.
All weirdness aside, I saw this as a chance for a quality hookup. "You got a number?" I said.
He nodded, and we exchanged numbers. "Thanks, bro. My name's Reese."
"Mine's Alastor." He said. We went to bump fists.
Here's where shit got weird. Just before our fists met, a spark of blue energy erupted between our fists, obviously impeding our gesture. Then it just... hovered, I guess. It crackled ominously. Alastor blinked. He looked at me. "Wait, are YOU seeing this?" He said.
I raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah, w-"
Then the whole world went ka-fucking-boom and we were doused in liquidy, blue light.

I was lying on my back, still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. My ears were ringing like a fucking bus brake, and my eyes felt like I had just stared at a lightning bolt. For a second, I thought I had been hit by lightning.
Then I heard the shouting. And then loud thunks. Then what sounded like glass breaking. I blinked a few times, sat up, and rubbed my face. I opened my eyes just in time to see Alastor throwing a small, white, armor wearing horse through a table. I looked around to see that we were in what looked like a small lounge with unconscious small horses strewn about in the wreckage of what used to be furniture.
"Ummm.... okay, Alastor, was it?... what in the hell did you, I, or someone do?"
He was breathing heavily, his jacket gone and the black shirt he had on was ripped and had a couple of blood smears on it. "These... ponies, I think they're... called... were gonna put us in a zoo or something. They had us in a cage, and when I tried to get out, they shoved me back in rather forcefully." He took a deep breath. "I kicked out the lock, fought off the guards, dragged your unconscious ass up here, and beat down these fuckers too." He nudged one of their legs. "Can't understand a fucking word they say..."
"Whoa... you beat all of them? How the fuck?"
He shrugged. "I guess a combination of the fact that none of them can fight for shit, and that we seem to be a lot more dense than most of the stuff here. I mean, I broke a cage by kicking it."
I felt a tingle in the air... I turned toward the door to the outside. "You think there are more?" I asked.
"I wouldn't doubt it. They seem intelligent."
The door opened. Alastor and I took a fighting stance. In walked a giant version of the white horses, so I guess almost a normal sized horse, but still smaller. She had flowy, magic looking technicolor hair and the whitest fucking fur I've ever seen, wings, and a unicorn horn. She looked around, then back to us. She said something in a language I've never heard before.
Alastor snorted. "We can't fucking understand you, ya dumb cunt."
She tilted her head. Her horn glowed with a liquidy gold light for a moment, then she spoke again.
This time, Alastor responded in the same language.
"Okay, what the hell?" I said. I turned to the horse. "What did you do?"
"She said she cast a translation spell on us. I guess it didn't work for you." He turned back to the horse and said something in the weird language.
The horse looked at me, her horn glowing brighter than before. A few seconds passed and I felt a *click* in my brain. "Ow..." I muttered.
"There, now do you understand me?" Said the horse in a soft, yet motherly tone.
"Uh... yeah?"
"Good. Now, I want you both to understand that there is no more need for violence. I will excuse the mess this time as a misunderstanding." She looked at Alastor. "The guards were meant to keep you safe after they found you in the forest. Not to cage you. However, I know there was a little more to this than self defense."
"Like hell, there was." Alastor growled. "They got violent with me first. I did what I thought I had to do to get myself and this dude out of here alive."
The horse held up a hoof. "I realize that, and that's why I'm excusing it. Now, I believe introductions are in order. My name is Princess Celestia, ruler of this land."
"The name's Alastor."
"And I'm Reese." I said. "So... not to be that guy, but seriously. WHERE IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE WE?!"
Alastor nodded. "Yeah, what he said. I don't feel high enough to be seeing this shit, and this dude is clearly seeing the same shit. What gives?"
Celestia blinked. "W-what? How did you get here?"
I shrugged. "Honestly? I think something exploded. My memory's a bit fuzzy, and I'm a little dizzy."
"Well, come with me." She said. "We'll figure this all out, once we're back at the castle and you two have had a bit of rest. I'll give you the gist of what life is like here on the way."
And so we exited what happened to be a guard outpost in the middle of a giant forest. Whoops. We got in a conveniently located and apparently unhearable carriage pulled by two winged... ponies. Ugh, I still can't believe this shit.
So now I live in a world populated by various species of talking animals, where the clouds are whatever the hell the ponies decide they are and crashing through a window is "Oops" instead of "Holy fuck."; and the hot weather isn't really that hot and cold weather never gets that cold, and 90% of the food is sugar (I mean 90% of the food they eat is literally sugar, the rest is what holds the fucking desserts together.).
I still can't fucking believe this happened to me.