Too Bad. You're Rainbow Dash.

by The Weakest Link

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2997

Spike becomes the Element of Rainbow Dash.

Spike becomes the Element of Rainbow Dash.

Alternate version of "The Return of Harmony Part 2".

Written for Rage Review's 7th F*** THIS PROMPT Contest.

Warning: [spoiler] Stupid. Like…really stupid. [/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-09 14:10:02 UTC

The Seventh Element

“Congratulations, Spike, you’re the new Rainbow Dash. Now let’s go!”

Spike balked as a necklace adorned with a ruby in the shape of a lightning bolt was thrust onto his neck, and once again at his new title.

“Me?” Spike asked. “B-b-but what if she finds out I’ve been impersonating her?” He gripped onto either side of his scaly head in panic at the implications, and moaned accordingly. “That won’t end well.” In his mind, in a best case scenario, Rainbow Dash would brush it off and give him a pat on the back and an ice cream cone.

In the most likely scenario, he would be in the ground by sundown.

Unfortunately for him, it was on that particular day that Twilight Sparkle had run out of fucks to give. She leveled a flat glare at her subordinate, wordlessly expressing her lack of fucks to him.

“Too bad, you’re Rainbow Dash.” Twilight deadpanned before running to the door. “Now let’s go defeat Discord so we don’t ever have to talk to each other again!”

Spike gulped down his fear amidst the cheers of happiness of the corrupted bearers of the Elements before said ponies trampled him into the hard wooden floor of the library.

He groaned, knowing both that it would take forever for the hoof shaped bruises on his back to heal, and that Twilight had never bothered to sign him up for life insurance. He took a mental note to have a chat with her about that later, under the assumption that Rainbow Dash didn’t kill him first.

Discord didn’t seem to care that the Elements were about to attempt to blast him with an orbital friendship cannon. Instead of running away, he simply stood in front of the ragtag group with a wooden target materialized onto his chest and wearing a pair of rainbow shutter shades, just chillaxing like a true baller.

Unfortunately for Discord, Twilight Sparkle had absolutely no chill, and was taking this far more seriously than him.

“Formation, now!” she barked. The other ponies groaned, but did as they were asked.

The dragon of the group, however, decided to hide behind Tom like a wuss, letting Tom’s toned, stony, practically rock like musculature shield him from harm. The sense of confidence and safety the boulder extorted effortlessly grounded Spike to reality; he was the only object that could support Spike at this moment.

Tom was his rock.

“Rainbow Dash, get over here.”

Spike reluctantly walked out from behind Tom. If rocks could cry out, Tom still wouldn’t, because he was holding out for Celestia, and couldn’t give two flying foidolites if Spike got wrecked.

The makeshift Element of Loyalty joined his fellow personifications of subjective personality traits in formation.

“All right, let’s get this over with,” Twilight said with finality. She closed her eyes briefly before they opened again, glowing with the souls of a thousand virgins. Her jewelry, along with that of the ponies, began to glow colorfully. But not with the souls of virgins, just with the souls of religious fundamentalists.

Spike had his eyes shut since Twilight had spoken, but upon cracking one open, he saw that he was floating in the air, and that his necklace was wrapped in a rainbow hued tether emitting from Twilights tiara. The tether enveloped the other Elements until they were all connected, creating a rainbow circle around the ponies and the dragon.

Discord lowered his shutter shades in disbelief and fear as a giant fuck-off rainbow laser blasted out of the rainbow circle, arced in the air, and descended on him with the speed, lethality, and badassery of an Apache helicopter at just the fraction of the cost of an actual Apache helicopter, which, incidentally, didn’t exist in Equestria.

“Oh, are you kidding me?!” Discord shouted, spreading his arms out and looking up as if asking Faust herself just how in the hell this was happening. “The dragon boy isn’t even an element! Five of them are still corrupted! How in the f-“

Before Discord could finish his sentence which undoubtedly concluded with ‘fudge’, the multi-hued laser of friendship pierced him with the fury of a thousand suns, resulting in both him being frozen into a stone statue in mid-speech, and an enormous, destructive mushroom cloud of friendship. The majestic and terrible force of the Elements ripped its way through Ponyville, not only un-chaosifyng the town, but also doing the same for its citizens. The gray ponies gave way to colorful hues, not unlike Goth children in the middle of a paintball game.

Twilight blinked out the harsh light of the fallout and looked around her, taking in the appearance of her friends. She began to smile widely at the prospect of not having to abandon her friends, a fate that she had been oddly ready to accept not five minutes previously.

“We did it! We did it!” she shouted happily, hopping around like a gazelle. “Spike, take a letter! We need to let Celestia know that we…Spike?”

Twilight turned to see that every other pony was staring at Spike, who was still floating in the air with an ungodly light shooting out of his eyeballs, his jaw slack. Suddenly, a supernova of light exploded around the Spike, and he fell on his face with the grace of a legless orphan.

Twilight ran up to Spike to see if he was okay, only to step back from him as she made out his appearance.

Spike sat up and shook his head dizzily, his eyes tired. He looked up to Twilight and smiled.

“Hey,” he said tiredly. “Did we win?”

Twilight simply pointed between Spike’s necklace and his scaly ass, her mouth moving as if to form speech but only emitting incomprehensible babbling. Spike, confused, took off his borrowed Element and held it in front of him, only for his eyes to widen like the cultural gap between the poor and the rich.

His necklace, once a ruby in the shape of a lightning bolt representing Loyalty, was now the head of a familiar pony crafted out of pure moonstone. Spike then drew his eyes to his rear, only for his mouth to drop like a microphone.

The same cyan, overconfident, and admittedly devilishly handsome face was stamped onto his equivalent of a flank. With a turn of his head, Spike confirmed that they were on both sides of his body.

Spike had become the Element of Rainbow Dash.

“A4,” Celestia said flatly, bored. Her oblivious sister reeled back, distraught.

“Egad! Thou hast sunk my battleship!” She leaned forwards and smiled grimly. “The New Lunar Republic shall not take this act of war lightly!” She raised a hoof and pointed it towards the ceiling triumphantly. “We fire upon D6!”

“Miss.”

“Blast!”

Suddenly, a green burst of flame appeared in front of Celestia, as if answering her prayers for something to get her out of this silly board game.

“One moment, Luna. I should read this.”

Luna grumbled to herself before turning around and beginning to devise a master Battleship plan in her head, laughing maniacally and rubbing her hooves together menacingly as she imagined the carnage.

Celestia unwrapped the scroll and began to read, raising an eyebrow at the briefness of the letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have good news as well as bad news. The good news is that Discord has been successfully returned to stone, and that Ponyville has reverted to its former state.

“…Hm.” Celestia mused as she lowered the letter for a moment, surprised. “That was rather fast.” She returned to the letter, only for her surprise to expand exponentially, like the waistline of a teenage hippopotamus with low self-esteem.

The bad news is twofold:

1.     Rainbow Dash is nowhere to be found.

2.     The Element of Loyalty has transformed into an Element that appears to represent Rainbow Dash. Spike was wearing it when this happened. I have no idea what this means, and could use your help understanding this development.

Your Student, Twilight Sparkle

Celestia put down the letter and sighed before lifting a hoof and rubbing at her temples.

“Luna?”

“Yes, villain?”

Celestia rose from her seated position and walked to the door of the throne room, on her way to order a chariot. She could have easily flown or teleported to her destination, but she was feeling leisurely.

“Let’s put a pin in this. I’m needed in Ponyville. I shouldn’t be gone more than an hour.”

She sighed to herself. “These things tend to sort themselves out.”

“Very well. We solemnly swear not to look upon your side of the borders.”

Celestia rolled her eyes, but let Luna have her fun. Her weird, roleplay-enthusiast fun. Who the heck roleplays in Battleship?

As soon as her sister exited the throne room, Luna stared at the game board and laughed with pure evil intent.

“I liiiied!”

Rainbow Dash jolted in her sleep, sensing a disturbance in the Dash. She looked down to find that not only was she sitting on a lone cloud on the outskirts of Ponyville, but that Ponyville was normal, and that she was wearing her Element.

After a minute of mentally recovering from her nap, her brain went into overdrive.

If Ponyville is fine again, that must mean the others got the Elements, and beat Discord. But…why am I all the way over here…unless…unless they used their own Elements without me, and it somehow worked! Ohhhh, they’re gonna get it!

No sooner had she theorized this ill-thought theory containing more holes than a firing squad victim did she then dash to Ponyville, ignorant of the chariot zipping in the same direction from Canterlot.

Rainbow Dash, in her confusion and fury, took a few wrong turns on her way to the library, but eventually found her friends, as well as the Princess, standing in front of her destination. With renewed energy, she flapped her wings powerfully and bolted up to them.

“Hey!” she yelled, exercising a hundredth of her vocabulary.

She was about to land next to the group…until she got a good look at Spike.

Not only was he wearing a Rainbow Dash Fan Club Wig, copying her trademark hairstyle with a toupee that he most likely didn’t pay for, but he was also wearing a pair of plastic cyan wings, as well as a necklace with her face on it. He even had her face tattooed on his ass!

Rainbow Dash wouldn’t stand for this. So, instead of landing, which would of course lead to standing, which she wouldn’t do for this, she crashed into Spike, pinning him to the ground with her hooves digging into his chest.

The rest of the group merely stared at them, unimpressed, until Twilight pointed to them unceremoniously.

“…Princess, I found Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said.

“I see.”

Rainbow Dash pointedly ignored them, as she was busy staring down the now frightened and pained Spike, not unlike an albatross pinning down a baby dragon, except that Rainbow Dash wasn’t an albatross. Other than that, the analogy is perfect to a t.

“Spike,” she said through gritted teeth. “What’s with the getup?”

“U-Um…” Spike stuttered, terrified. “I’m, uh…the Element of Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to yell something not very nice before Spikes words caught up with her speeding brain, pulled it down to reality, and pummeled the gray matter out of it. Spikes words were out for blood that day.

Rainbow Dash simply sat there atop of Spike, her head tilted and her mouth slightly open, like a seal being given a fuchsia penguin for brunch when he had ordered a plain old normal penguin.

Ridiculous; seals can’t afford fuchsia penguins in this economy.

Twilight trotted up to the two and poked the mare.

“Rainbow Dash, get off of New Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash had little use for a ‘bitch, what the fuck did you just say to me’ face, but it was then that she exercised it, her face a mix of confusion, indignation, and straight up anger.

“Did you just…” Rainbow Dash said slowly, trying to wrap her head around the situation. “Did you just call Spike ‘New Rainbow Dash’?”

Twilight shrugged.

“I just had Celestia change his name to ‘New Rainbow Dash’, so I don’t see the point of calling him Spike.”

She turned around to face Celestia.

“That’s legal, right?” she called out. “You did that legally? Right?”

Celestia shrugged noncommittally. Twilight turned back around, all smiles. And a couple legs, a face, internal organs…really, very little of her was ‘smiles’, but she was smiling nonetheless.

“See?” she said in a matter-of-fact voice. “Legal.”

Twilight quickly dropped the smile as Rainbow Dash continued to glare at her with an unasked question lingering in her eyes. Twilight coughed awkwardly before regaining her composure.

“Anyways, Discord corrupted you, and you flew away before we found the Elements,” Twilight explained briefly. “Once we did find the Elements, you weren’t there, so we had New Rainbow Dash use your Element.” She pointed at the subject of Rainbow Dash’s fury, who was fruitlessly trying to scramble away.

“And...and that worked?!” Rainbow Dash asked incredulously, jumping off of New Rainbow Dash and landing in front of Twilight. The bookworm nodded simply, like a child in a class that teaches children how to nod simply.

“And you’re all okay with this?” Rainbow Dash asked the other ponies. They shrugged in unison.

“It is what it is,” Applejack put simply. “Ah don’t see why we gotta make a fuss about it. Ah mean, we beat Discord. Ponyville's back to normal. Far as I see it, everything’s squared away.”

“B-But he can’t be me!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “I’m me!”

“He’s not you, silly!” Pinkie Pie said with a laugh. “He’s New Rainbow Dash, and you’re Rainbow Dash. Totally different!”

“I’m the Dash, not a Dash!” The furious chromatic mare said as if it was a fact of the universe. “And there’s no way that the Elements can just change like that, or that there can be an Element of a person. Celestia, back me up here!”

“Do not look to me, Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said seriously. “These are weapons of mass destruction powered by the magical properties of friendship we’re talking about here, and I just found them inside of a giant tree in some backwoods canyon. Frankly, I’ve learned not to assume knowledge of their properties. They could do anything, and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.”

“Wha-uh, okay, fine, but...well…” Rainbow Dash fumbled, looking for a way for this to be impossible. She had an idea as she laid eyes on New Rainbow Dash’s ass.

This wasn’t the first nor the last time that this would happen.

“What about his cutie mark? Huh?” Rainbow Dash smiled proudly, sure that she had found an out. “Dragons don’t get cutie marks.”

“A-Actually…”

Rainbow Dash groaned to herself.

“Fluttershy,” she said in a voice laced with an unspoken threat. “Don’t you dare tell me that we don’t know for sure that dragons can’t get cutie marks.”

“Um, okay.”

Silence for a solid twenty seconds followed until it was broken on the part of Rainbow Dash, her growing hopelessness and irritation eliciting a tired moan from her.

“Rainbow Dash, if I may…” Twilight began cautiously before Rainbow Dash waved as if to give her the go ahead. “Scientists don’t even know how cutie marks work fundamentally. Really, a lot of what we think we know about cutie marks is guesswork and speculation on the part of ponies with college educations and big egos.”

“...Okay, fine,” Rainbow Dash conceded to a point. “Let’s say that none of this is crazy, and that Spike-”

“New Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah, thanks Pinkie!”

“You’re welcome!”

“Anyways, even if New Rainbow Dash somehow became an Element of Harmony, and that Element was the Element of Rainbow Dash, something that just exists for a reason that none of us know, and that the Elements worked without mine by making a new one and teleporting mine back to myself…”

She pointed directly at New Rainbow Dash.

“Why in the name of all that is Dash did you dress him up as me?”

Rarity laughed nervously and tittered forwards, looking everywhere but at Rainbow Dash.

“He might as well look the part, yes?” she asked facetiously, a word that has far too many syllables to be in this story. “After all, he is the Element of Rainbow Dash.” Rarity sighed to herself, steeling her nerve, then looked at Rainbow Dash seriously. “Darling, I know what you’re thinking, and no, nopony is trying to replace you.” She walked up and placed a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “We are simply working with what we have. There will never be two Rainbow Dash’s. Honestly, I don’t believe the world could handle it.”

Rainbow Dash thought long and hard about what Rarity said, except for that last part, and decided that she was right...though she did furiously repress the idea that New Rainbow Dash was technically the embodiment of Rainbow Dash, and would therefore be more Rainbow Dash than Rainbow Dash. Because, y’know, the idea that someone is a better you than you is fucking terrifying, especially if your ego is as big as the socio economic fallout of the subprime lending crisis.

“Thanks, Rarity,” Rainbow Dash managed with a smile. “I’m sorry for overreacting. So...what now? You guys wanna grab a bite to-”

“Hey guys!”

The entire group looked to the horizon to see that Pinkie was yelling to them from no less than a hundred yards away, waving her forelegs frantically. Apparently, she had dashed off at some point. She gestured behind herself.

“I just went to the get a drink, because Dashie’s inner struggle with her identity was making me thirsty, and there was no line to the punch stand!”

The group gave her a look of interest.

“What’re you saying?!” Twilight yelled back straining to hear.

“There’s no punch line!”