The Humanification Bureau

by Ezn

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Original Character, Rarity
Length: 7200

In the grimdark future of MLP, there are only humans.

In the dark future of Equestria, a ponykind that has turned its back on the ideals of friendship and love faces the threat of extinction. Their land is corrupted by twisted dark magic, and scarred by countless wars.

But when a mysterious race of aliens armed with amazing technology arrives in Equestria, ponykind is given another chance at survival. Will they take it?

[a reimagining and reversal of Blaze's "The Conversion Bureau".]

Published 2011-11-20 18:37:41 UTC
Last updated 2011-11-20 19:32:10 UTC

Prelude: "The Awakening"

The Humanification Bureau
by Ezn

Inspired by Blaze’s “The Conversion Bureau” and its many spin-offs.

Prelude: "The Awakening"

Twilight Sparkle strode up to the large glass window and stared out of it. She was on the highest floor of a great metal tower, tall enough for the whole of Equestria to spread below it. Her eyes had to squint to make out the dimly lit world outside.

"Why did you do it?" she asked softly.

"You and your friends are heroes," came the reply. "Tales of your exploits have been cherished by your people for millennia."

Twilight said nothing, and continued to stare out of the window, her purple eyes glistened with tears. The ashen ground below her was unrecognisable, and she refused to believe what they had told her.

"But... but this can't be Equestria!" she cried. "Where's the grass? Where are the trees, and the fluffy white clouds? What happened to all the little wooden houses?"

"This isn't the Equestria you knew, Twilight Sparkle. Much has changed since your death."

"Why did you bring me back then?! Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"I wish I could say it was."

The speaker stepped out from the shadows behind Twilight, and joined her at the window. He was a tall, lanky creature – hairless except for a crop of thinning grey mane on the top of his head. The creature walked on two legs, like a dragon or a diamond dog. He wore a flowing white coat, and his face bore a calm, sad expression. His weak, pale grey eyes hid behind a pair of thick-rimmed black glasses.

"Twilight Sparkle," he said gravely, "the ponies of Equestria have become a self-destructive race of spiteful, untrusting creatures. The magic of the unicorns has been twisted and used for dark purposes, corrupting this world. However, the ponies still love and adore you and your friends. We have resurrected you so that you might show them the light – show them the error of their ways, and convince them to let my people help."

"But how? How can 'your people' do anything to save Equestria?"

"Oh no, we can't save Equestria, don't think that! This place is a ticking time bomb of dark magic! What we can do, however, is save the ponies of Equestria – but only under certain conditions."

Twilight gasped.

"Don't get in a flap, my dear. The conditions I'm talking about aren't anything bad, per se, but they are... odd. That's why we need we you and your friends to convince the others to agree to them."

Time passed. The unicorn and the human looked at each other, neither saying a word.

"I want to see Ponyville first," Twilight demanded.

"Can't do that – Ponyville's a crater of twisted magic. Last time I sent a man there, he never came back."

"Wait, wait," said Twilight suddenly. "What does Princess Celestia think of all this? Why haven't I seen her? Take me to her!"

The man sighed, and slowly pulled a manila folder out of his lab coat. He opened it up, and held in front of Twilight's gaze, letting her take it from him with her magic.

"Celestia is dead, Twilight."

Twilight looked out of the window again, and again she saw a dim Equestria. She glanced this way and that, frantically running up to every other window in the room, but she couldn't find what she was looking for.

"There's no sun. It's... gone."

"There isn't a moon either."

Act One: "The Metamorphosis of Twilight Sparkle"

Act One: "The Metamorphosis of Twilight Sparkle"

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
– Clarke's Third Law

Ponies from all over gathered around the large, elevated metal stage that had been air-dropped right in the center of the Canterlot ruins. Their benefactors – the strange creatures who called themselves "humans" - had broadcast a message about the meeting all around the area surrounding Canterlot two days prior, making it very clear that this would not be an event to miss.

Among the throngs, a young dark grey earth pony with a dirty pitch-black mane was standing perfectly still, lost in thought and without concern for the ponies that jostled and pushed around him.

His name was Monochrome, and he'd heard a lot of conflicting rumours about what the humans had planned for the ponies that day. Some – the ones who had stayed at home – said they planned to drop a bomb on Canterlot and kill everypony there. Others – the eager ponies who were pawing at the base of the stage – believed that the humans were going to cleanse Equestria of the evil that had overtaken it, and return things to how they used to be... in the old days.

To Monochrome, the old days were nothing but old stories, told by old fools. His Equestria had never been the peaceful, green paradise of those stories, and he had never seen the mythical Princess Celestia raise the sun, or the mysterious Nightmare Luna raise the moon – and had only dim memories of the celestial bodies themselves. He'd seen a dirty old unicorn skull with an oversized horn at a flea market once, but that had likely been a hoax.

"Hey, Mono," came a soft voice from above. "You didn't tell me you'd be here."

Mono looked up to see the speaker, a silver-maned white pegasus mare. Her name was Ruffled Feathers, and she was the only pegasus he knew – one of the few who spent any time below the clouds.

"Likewise, Ruff," he replied. "What's a bird like you doing with your face so close to the dust?"

"I'm just curious," she replied nonchalantly. "I'm sure you've heard some of the rumours about the humans by now."

"Yes."

"What do you believe?"

"I believe in making up my own mind, based on firsthoof evidence."

"Oh, Mono. Scientific as always..."

Monochrome shrugged at his friend, and the two of them turned to face the stage, from which some commotion could be heard.

"Uurgh, I can't see anything from down here," complained Feathers. "I feel so sorry for you poor ground-crawlers."

As if incited by Feathers's complaint, a silent contingent of giant screens floated out from somewhere behind the stage, arranging themselves in a wide circle around the stage, and slanting themselves so that everypony could see them without straining their necks.

Once all the screens were in position, soft, calming music began to play, quietly at first, but gradually growing in volume.

"It's starting!" exclaimed Feathers, finally landing and tucking in her wings.

The music continued until there was silence in the ruins of Canterlot, and then faded out. A spotlight flicked on and beamed onto the great metal stage. Seconds passed, and the tension in the air grew. Monochrome could hear the nervous breathing of the ponies around him.

A full minute passed, and still no-one stepped up to the stage's lone microphone. Monochrome knew that the humans were a secretive race, preferring to airdrop self-building, unscalable monoliths and hide in them then to send any of their own out into the open.

Many of his friends claimed to have seen humans, of course, but accounts differed. Some said they looked like just ponies, but all of them were alicorns. Others claimed that they bore a closer resemblance to Discord the Draconequus. Still others believed them to be giant spiders.

Monochrome shivered at that last theory, and hoped that the humans would continue to stall them, if that was the case.

Suddenly, the screens were filled with a flash of white light. As the light dimmed, everypony focused intently on the screens, squinting their eyes to finally get a glimpse of a human being.

"So they do look just like ponies!" exclaimed Ruffled Feathers. "I knew it!"

A lilac unicorn with a dark purple mane stood in the middle of the stage, glancing around her with a look of intense pain in her eyes. Slowly, she walked over to the stage's lone microphone, adjusting it with her magic just before she reached it.

"Greetings, ponies of Equestria," she said, her voice faltering slightly. "My name is Twilight Sparkle."

Murmurs of confusion rippled through the crowd, dying down when Twilight resumed her speech.

"I've been informed that you still know me as the Element of Magic, and the twice-saviour of Equestria – once from Nightmare Moon, and once from Discord. Is this true?"

Twilight's words were met with happy murmurs, followed by a thunderous stomping of hooves, and loud cries of "Saviour!" and "Hero!".

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Twilight said, her tone becoming more cheerful. "And, in answer to some of you, yes, I have come as a hero and a saviour – or rather, as the forebear of one."

Excited chattering overtook the crowd, and Monotone shifted nervously in his horseshoes. He shot a nervous glance at Ruffled Feathers.

"I'm not sure I like where this is going," he said. "If this turns ugly, then I want you to fly out of here immediately."

Feathers waved a nonchalant hoof at his concern, silently telling him not to worry so much.

"I'd like to get straight to the point," continued Twilight. "In the short time since my return, I have seen much of Equestria as it is now, and it's not looking good. This whole world has been corrupted with more cancerous, evil magic than I ever thought could exist. It is no place for ponies to be living."

A wave of sadness and shame passed through the crowd. Some grumbled about the misdeeds of their mothers and fathers, while others stared at their hooves in silence. To hear Twilight Sparkle, one of their greatest heroes and every young unicorn filly's role model, say such hard words was not easy to take.

"You poor ponies don't even have a sun or a moon, thanks to the vicious power-grabs of selfish, short-sighted unicorns."

Monochrome and Feathers had seen the sun and the moon every day and night up until they were four years of age. Nopony would ever forget the day the moon came up during the day and collided with the sun, shattering both into millions of pieces. Shards of burning sun rained across the land for days afterwards, burning up farms and killing hundreds.

"But there is a way out of this," Twilight said resolutely, "for everypony. All you need to do is trust our human benefactors, as I have come to."

Twilight's words had an unmistakable edge of sadness and resignation, and she hung her head for a moment before continuing.

"The humans have amazing technology – they can do things without magic that not even Princess Celestia could do with it. It was the humans who brought myself and my friends Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy back to life. All they asked in return for this was that we tell you, our people, about their plan for your future, in your own terms."

"They're making plans for our future now?" asked Ruffled Feathers. "Well that's presumptuous."

"The humans come from somewhere far away, a beautiful land, free of the dark magic that has twisted and ruined Equestria. They have taken pity on our plight, and have offered to take every last one of you out of this doomed land, and back to their home!"

The giant image of Twilight on the screens was replaced by a slideshow of photographs of the humans' home. Huge, clean waterfalls cascaded down leafy green cliffsides, and flowed into strong, blue rivers, which passed by clean, colourful buildings made of glass on their way to the wide, magnificent sea.

Monochrome's eyes almost popped out of his sockets, and he and Ruffled Feathers joined the thunderous stomping of hooves. The scene was so bright that it hurt his eyes, but he felt he would sooner die than shield them from such magnificence.

"It's... beautiful..." whispered Feathers. "They still have sun..."

"I take it you would all like to go there," said Twilight, once the cheering had calmed down.

"YES!" screamed the crowd. "YES!"

Twilight smiled sadly as the beginnings of tears appeared in the corners of her eyes. She sighed deeply, still not ready for what she was about to tell her adoring audience.

"You can't," she said. "We can't. Not as ponies..."

Everypony's eyes grew wide, and Monochrome sensed the mounting aggression in the air. He shot a desperate look at Feathers, who ignored him, still looking up at Twilight. There was going to be a riot.

"But wait!" shouted Twilight, the volume of her microphone increasing dramatically. "There is a way that we can get there. I've been told that that their world is... incompatible... with the magic that flows through ours. As ponies, we would surely die upon entering it. But we don't have to enter their world as ponies!"

Monochrome gulped. He knew all too well of Equestria's many suicide cults, and had lost a number of friends and acquaintances to them. He had really hoped that this would be different.

"The humans have pioneered an amazing method of, for lack of a better word, humanifying ponies," Twilight said. "All you have to do is go through a painless medical procedure that will take all of thirty seconds, and you'll become a non-magical human, capable of surviving in a beautiful world, untainted by magic."

The crowd murmured with dissent.

"And to prove the ease of this process," Twilight announced, taking a step back from the microphone. "I – and simultaneously, my five friends, who are giving this same speech in different parts of Equestria – will be the first to undergo humanification."

The crowd gasped.

"Don't worry, my little ponies! I'll still be the same Twilight Sparkle you all love, just with fingers instead of hooves. Humanification doesn't change who you are on the inside!"

"What are fingers?" asked Feathers.

"Guess we'll find out soon," replied Monchrome, nonplussed.

Twilight Sparkle raised her forehooves for silence, and awkwardly brought herself up into a two-legged standing position, teetering slightly as she rose. The crowd fell silent, and all eyes watched her intently, not even daring to blink.

"Farewell, Equestria..." Twilight whispered. "Goodbye... magic..."

Ducts opened up on the floor of the stage, and columns of pink gas pumped out of them, obscuring the crowd's view. The columns formed a concentrated pink cloud, which slowly grew smaller, until it was roughly the height of Twilight, as she tottered on her hindlegs.

Eventually, the smoke cleared. Where a purple unicorn had swayed on her hindlegs moments before, a light pink hairless monkey now stood, gazing in awe at her new hands. Twilight's long, purple hair was the only thing that remained as a reminder of her former appearance.

"Eww," Feathers said, nudging Monochrome. "No wonder the humans have been hiding from us this whole time – they're really ugly!"

Just then, a hatch opened in the bottom of the stage, and what looked like another female human climbed up to the surface. The lines on her face showed her to be physically older than Twilight Sparkle. She was dressed in a long white coat, and carried another just like it in the crook of her left arm.

The older woman placed the coat over Twilight, fastening it together at the middle. She then approached the microphone.

"Hello, uh, every pony!" she said enthusiastically. "I'm Doctor Helen Kage, and I'd like you all to know that Ms Sparkle here is going to be just fine! How do you feel, Twilight?"

Twilight reached out an unsteady arm, which Doctor Helen braced against herself, helping Twilight to cross over to the microphone stand.

"It – it feels a little weird," Twilight began, reaching out to touch the mic stand with her hands. "But not, uh, not in a bad way. It wasn't painful or anything..."

Her voice trailed off as she rubbed her hand against the microphone stand.

"And these hands!" she said suddenly. "You ponies are going to love them!"

Twilight and Dr Helen looked into the floating camera and smiled. Helen gave a thumbs-up, which Twilight tried – and failed – to imitate.

Monochrome didn't know what to make of all this. Twilight Sparkle seemed fine, and he got the strong sense that she had been telling the truth about "being the same as Twilight as before". Her shrunken, but still purple eyes twinkled with happiness, and she seemed genuinely pleased with her decision.

"LONG LIVE PONIES!" came a vicious shout from somewhere in the crowd. "DEATH TO THE NEIGH-SAYERS!"

A loud bang echoed across the Canterlot ruins, and brilliant bolt of lightning shot right towards the stage. However, an opaque protective bubbled had already closed around the two humans, and the screens went dark as a plume of smoke rose of its sleek surface.

"Do not listen to the words of the violent, friends!" came the desperate voice of Twilight Sparkle over the speakers. "Place for you to get humanified – 'humanification bureaus' – will be set up all around Equestria, starting tomorrow. Come in peace, and you will be saved."

Another loud bang was heard as the giant metal stage's rocket boosters – previously hidden from sight – activated, sending the stage and its occupants high into the sky.

Two explosions in such a short space of time were too much: the crowd went wild. Monochrome saw Ruffled Feathers zip off into the sky, and took a second to smile to himself before he had to dodge a stray hoof, and step out of the way of an oncoming stampede.

More bangs went off in the crowd, and Monochrome hurried along to the edge of the ruins, were the crowd thinned. He was bumped, jostled and bruised, but eventually he made it.

The trip down the mountain was largely uneventful. Everypony was still fighting amongst themselves up in the crowd, and Monochrome winced at a few more bangs as he slowly made his way down.

He stopped near the foot of the mountain, and looked up into the sky. The stage was nowhere in sight, but he could see the giant screens slowly drifting away from him.

Monochrome had a lot to think about.

Act Two: "The Bureau"

Act Two: "The Bureau"

"Four legs good, two legs better!"
– The sheep, Animal Farm

In the months that followed the humanification speeches given around Equestria, the life of Monochrome the earth pony went on as usual, even while the rest of the world turned itself upside down around him.

The pony who had attempted to assassinate Dr Kage and Twilight Sparkle and subsequently started a riot was still at large, as were his or her colleagues, who had incited riots at Applejack and Rarity's speeches in Appleloosa and Manehattan respectively. Ponies and humans alike were shocked by the group's violence, and after some initial hesitation, ponies from all walks of life flocked to the humanification bureaus.

"I may not have my magic anymore," a former unicorn had said during one of the humans' impromptu Equestria-wide information broadcasts, "but all the technology that's been specifically designed for human use means I won't even miss it!"

"As a former Wonderbolt, I look forward to learning how to pilot these amazing flying machines humans use to zip across our planet at incredible speeds!"

"Ah've been guaranteed a hee-uge farm over in human land!"

The final testimony resonated with Monochrome. He had spent years living in a dinky little shack on the edge of what had once been one of his family's famous orange orchards. The ground was cursed with a thousand intricate hexes, and trying to grow anything on it would, at best, be a waste of time. And if the ground had been magic-free, it wouldn't have mattered, because nothing could grow without proper sunshine.

Ever since he had grown old enough to leave the orphanage where he grew up, Monochrome Orange (a terrible name, given by his uncaring parents – Monochrome had dropped the "Orange") had got by doing menial labour for unicorns, in exchange for magically-conjured food.

Monochrome had never seen a unicorn with a cutie mark that didn't have something to with food, bar Twilight. His own cutie mark was also food-related – it was a picture of an orange. He was an orange farmer who had never seen a natural orange, much less grown one. Worse still, it meant that every new pony he met would make a point of telling him how disappointed they were that he wasn't a unicorn.

A little less than two months after Twilight's speech, Monochrome found himself walking back home along a dusty trail, alongside his good friend Ruffled Feathers.

"I think I should take back what I said about humans when I first saw one," she mused, flying lazily just above Monochrome's head. "I found some of their fashion magazines the other day, and all the style and fabrics they have are simply divine! No wonder they're so fond of clothes!"

Monochrome smiled and nodded at Feathers. He didn't much care for fashion, human or otherwise.

"Ooh, that's new!" Feathers exclaimed, pointing a hoof at something to the left of the path. "I didn't know there was a humanification bureau here!"

"Heh, yeah," remarked Monochrome. "Can't say I've really noticed it."

"My friend Indigo Swirl got humanified the other day. She's calling herself ‘Irene Smith' now. ‘Irene Smith'... what an odd name... What does it even mean?"

"I don't think human names come from colours and objects like ours do, Ruff. From what I've seen, they just make up nonsense words instead."

"How funny," remarked Feathers thoughtfully.

The two made very little small talk the rest of the way, and finally said quiet goodbyes once Monochrome reached his shack.

***

"I've decided to get humanified," Ruffled Feathers said a few weeks later. "What do you think of the name ‘Rachel Fren'?"

"What?" Monochrome asked, incredulous. "Why would you want to do that? You do realise that humans can't fly, don't you?"

"Yes, Monochrome, I've noticed their lack of wings through my ‘blind adoration'," Feathers replied mockingly.

"And? You love flying!"

"Humans have got plenty of flying machines!"

"You know that's not the same! I rode in a flying machine once, and you told me as much after I was done throwing up!"

"Look around you, Monochrome!"

Feathers gestured around the room with her forehooves, and Monochrome noticed how quiet everything was for the first time. They were seated at a table in Feeder the Kind-Hearted Unicorn's Charity Soup Kitchen, eating some magically conjured, but otherwise very boring helpings of vegetable soup. They were the only ones at their table, and this was their third course.

Monochrome looked around the room, counting seven other ponies. He added on two to account for anypony in the kitchen, but the headcount still fell shy of double-digits.

"Everypony's gone," Feathers said. "Do you know what percentage of Equestria has already had themselves humanified?"

Monochrome shook his head.

"Well I don't either, but I'll bet it's really high! Everypony's doing it, Monochrome."

"That is never a good reason to go through with something."

"Normally, I'd agree with you, but this is about survival."

"You're being a little melodr–"

"No! Look, just, please come to the bureau with me. You don't have to get humanified, but I want you there for moral support. This isn't easy for me, you know."

Monochrome sighed deeply before grudgingly agreeing to go.

"Yay!"

***

The following day, Ruffled Feathers and Monochrome met up just outside the humanification bureau closest to the latter's shack.

"Ready?" asked Monochrome.

"I sure am!" replied Ruffled Feathers confidently.

Monochrome had to stop himself from asking her how she could possibly manage to be ‘ready' to completely abandon her birth species and change into an alien. He had a nasty suspicion that the answer would have something to do with fashion anyway.

"I do hope you'll change your mind about this once I get humanified, Mono," Feathers implored.

"We'll see."

The Greater Canterlot Humanification Bureau was a dome-shaped metal building, built in the mysterious, featureless style of humanity's other Equestrian outposts. Unlike the monolithic towers and hulking compounds, however, this building had open door at ground level.

Upon entering the open doors, Monochrome looked back and noticed that much of the building's wall-space was taken up by one-way windows, which sent a shiver down his spine. Humans could look out of their buildings, but ponies could not look in.

Turning his attention to the building's interior, Monochrome saw that he and Feathers were standing in a pleasantly homey foyer. Long couches were set at the sides of the room, and a low table filled with ratty-paged magazines lay in its centre. A female human stood behind a white counter at the far edge of the room, already being bombarded with questions by an overeager Ruffled Feathers. A fan whirred on the room's low ceiling.

Monochrome smiled and sank onto one of the room's comfortable couches. Being in the room reminded him of the few times he'd been to Manehattan – the only place in Equestria that had the horsepower to enforce rule of law or cleanliness standards.

"Just head on through that door, dear, and we'll have you humanified in no time!" the human said to Feathers, once the former had finished rattling off her personal details.

"Wow," replied Feathers. "Uh... already? Isn't there... anything else I need to do?"

"You've given me your details, and you say you want to get humanified," the human replied. "Now, I don't want to pressure you into this, so if you're having second thoughts..."

"No, no, I'm ready. Just... let me talk to my friend quickly."

"Alright, but you're not allowed to bring anypony else with you when we begin the process. We don't want to cause any... undue stress."

Feathers nodded understandingly and fluttered over to Monochrome.

"You're not going to be able to do that in a few minutes," he told her snidely.

"It doesn't matter," she replied resolutely. "I've been flying around nearly nonstop this past week, just getting it all out of my system. I don't really need to fly – and it's a small price to pay for survival."

Monochrome rolled his eyes.

"Don't be that way! Look, I know you don't agree with this, but just, please, give me some support here. Wish me good luck."

"Good luck," Monochrome said, trying to sound cheerful, and failing miserably.

Feathers sighed. "It'll do."

With that, she turned tail – literally, for the last time – and stepped towards the door in the back of the room.

Monochrome's heart sank as he watched her disappear through the door, catching sight of the flank that was soon to become whatever it was that humans called their flanks. He sighed heavily, wondering if there was something he should have done differently.

"So I take it you're not here for our two-for-one special?" the human at the counter asked, calling Monochrome's attention to her for the first time.

Monochrome glanced at the human's carefully styled purple hair, and noted how it matched her deep blue eyes – or at least, he was fairly certain it matched, based on the little he'd picked up about colour theory from Feathers's long, one-sided conversations about fashion. She looked familiar, somehow.

"I'm joking of course," she added. "We don't charge for this service."

"Who are you?" Monochrome asked bluntly.

"My name's Rarity, but I'm thinking of changing it to something a little more species-appropriate. What do you think of ‘Rachel'?"

"Rarity as in the Element of Generosity Rarity? That Rarity?"

"Why, yes, actually. As usual, my fame precedes me."

"Why did you do it?"

"Why did I do what, dear?"

"Humanification. Why did you do the humanification thing?"

Rarity put a hand on her chin, and struck a thoughtful pose, eyeing the ceiling fan's whirring blades as she tried to come up with an appropriate response.

"How could you... just... give up your ponyness? You were one of the greatest ponies who ever lived."

"Well, yes, I suppose it does sound like an odd decision when you mention that," Rarity began. "But the thing is, my dear, uh..."

"Monochrome."

"... my dear Monochrome, the thing of it is this: we are more than just ponies. We are living, thinking beings. We have souls, and we have thoughts. We are very much like the humans in that way, much more than you may think."

"And so?"

"I was sceptical at first too, just like you are. But I've seen things that have made me a convert. And not strange prophecies about the place the humans are from, or empty rhetoric about the ‘superiority' of the human race, no. I've seen things right here in Equestria that have made me realise that being a pony is not going to be just another of being for very much longer."

"Like?"

"The crater that used to be Ponyville. That ghastly nothingness in the sky where the sun and moon should be. The blackened ground where nothing can grow. And don't even get me started on this week's fashions in the Canterlot ruins!"

"I've lived with all those things my entire life and I've survived."

"Well, forgive me for my greed, but mere survival is no way to live."

Rarity glanced at the orange on Monochrome's flank. "What does your cutie mark mean?" she asked.

"Means I'm a good orange farmer."

"Have you ever farmed oranges?"

"No."

"Then how did you get it?"

"Intense meditation."

"...I see."

Monochrome lifted himself off of the comfortable couch and scooped up a magazine in his mouth, which he promptly nosed open and pretended to read, thinking he had bested Rarity.

"Do you want to grow oranges?"

"More than anything."

"You can't do that here. You're an earth pony. You can't do anything here anymore, except slave labour and begging."

Monochrome raised a hoof indignantly, but lowered it when he realised he didn't have anything to reply with. Rarity was right, and he knew it. Nothing had grown in Equestria for years.

"Things are only going to get worse, Monochrome," Rarity implored. "You have a chance to get out of this horrible situation, and make a real life for yourself. Why won't you take it?"

"What happened to not wanting to pressure anypony into this?"

"I'm not pressuring you; I'm just stating my case. Things are going to get worse in Equestria: this is a fact. More curses on the ground, further desecration of Canterlot, more dead pony bodies in the streets. It's going to happen, and I don't envy the ponies left behind to experience it."

With Rarity having the final word, the conversation fell silent. Monochrome went back to pretending to read his magazine, and Rarity practiced twiddling her thumbs.

Monochrome hadn't even turned the first page when a silver-haired human female wearing a grey dressing gown stumbled out of the back room and into the foyer, leaning on the wall for support.

"Ruff!" Monochrome cried, leaping off the sofa and galloping up to his friend's side.

The newly minted human smiled weakly at her friend before sprawling onto his back, making his knees buckle a bit.

"I think you're a little too old for pony rides, dear," Rarity said, rushing out from behind her counter to help Feathers onto her feet.

"Ruff... how do you... feel?" Monochrome gasped.

"Please... call me Rachel from now on," Rachel said. "Ruffled Feathers... was always a horrible name."

He had to grant her that one.

"I feel fine, Mono," she added. "Good, even. I'm still pretty much the same as I was before, just with fingers. Neat how we know what those are now, huh?"

"Yeah," Monochrome replied. "But, uh, where are you going to sleep tonight? Humans can't walk on clouds. You're, uh, welcome to stay at my place."

"And I'm sure Rachel thanks you for the kind offer," interjected Rarity, "but it's a new humanification bureau policy to set all new humans up with a place on one of the escape shuttles as soon as possible. The first ones are due to ship out any day now."

Rachel smiled and gave a little shrug, motioning towards Rarity with her eyes as if to say "she's the boss".

"Right. Of course."

"Goodbye, Monochrome," said Rachel, motioning for Rarity to help her kneel. "I hope I will see you again soon."

"Goodbye, Ruffled Feathers," replied Monochrome, putting a foreleg around his friend's neck as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her head in his mane.

***

Monochrome's head drooped as he trudged back to his shack, feeling truly alone. His best friend was a human, and there was nothing he could do change that.

Finally arriving back home, Monochrome shucked his saddlebags into a heap in the middle of the floor and collapsed on his bed, feeling utterly drained. He pulled his blankets over himself, and tried to go to sleep – at least then he would be able to put all the fears and doubts in his mind to rest for a few hours.

Monochrome tossed and turned, uncomfortable no matter what position he took. He started counting sheep, and when that failed to put him to sleep, he tried counting goats, and then pegasi. All of the pegasi were clones of Ruffled Feathers, and they would slowly morph into humans as they swooped over the fence. Monochrome's eyes shot open and he tossed his blankets aside; this wasn't working.

A glint from his saddlebag caught Monochrome's eye, and he walked over to investigate it. A magazine slipped out of the bag – the magazine he had been pretending to read at the Humanification Bureau. A lifetime of hardship had given Monochrome a small dose of kleptomania.

Having nothing better to do, he flipped to a random section of the magazine. The left-hand page had a picture of a bowling alley and some bowling balls on it. On the right-hand page, a male human was getting ready to launch a bowling ball down his alley. So humans have bowling too, Monochrome thought. Their bowling alleys look a lot like ours. The balls even have the same...

Monochrome took stock of the three holes in the bowling balls on the left hand page, and then looked at the human on the right-hand page again. The human appeared to have stuck his fingers in the bowling ball's holes.

Monochrome had always wondered why it was that bowling balls had holes in them, but this made no sense to him. Ponies don't have fingers! he thought. Why would...?

He flipped to another random page of the magazine, and saw a fashion runway full of humans. Another page showed a quaint little village of wooden houses, which bore a suspicious resemblance to the old pictures he had seen of pre-crater Ponyville. Yet another page showed two humans fencing with each other, gripping their swords in their hands.

Wide-eyed, he put the magazine back into one of his saddlebags and hastily pulled them both on. He had to get back to the Bureau.

Act Three: "The End of Ponies"

Act Three: "The End of Ponies"

"But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history."
– Kkat, Fallout: Equestria

"Hey! Who are you? How long have you been here?!"

The foyer of the Greater Canterlot Humanification Bureau was a mess. Magazines were strewn everywhere – on the couches, on the floor, on the receptionist's counter, and even on the still blades of the ceiling fan. A bleary-eyed Monochrome looked up from one of the ones lying on the carpet as he noticed a human-shaped shadow fall on him.

"Did you know?" he asked, ignoring the question.

The shadow-bearer looked angry and somewhat perplexed; Monochrome felt a little upset that their first meeting was such a negative one. Rarity's purple hair hadn't given away her identity immediately, but there could be no mistaking the woman in the room, with her multi-coloured locks and cyan tracksuit, for anyone other than Rainbow Dash.

"Did I know what? That you entered this building when we were closed?! No, not until now. Duh!"

Monochrome sighed. "Look, the door was open. Well, that is, it wasn't locked. I just wanted to look at some magazines."

"A likely story!" Dash retorted. "Rarity told me a pony matching your description came in here earlier with a humanification candidate! She said you didn't want to get humanified! You guys had an argument about it and everything!"

"That is true."

"Are you a spy? Are you from the PLF?"

"What's the PLF?"

"Pony Liberation Front. You know, the sickos who tried to kill everypony during the speeches!"

"Oh, so now I'm a terrorist just because I have some reservations about completely altering my species and identity? Is that how it is?"

"Well..." Dash's mouth went dry.

"You know what? I don't even care anymore."

Monochrome picked up the magazine he had been reading in his mouth and brought it to Dash, spitting it out before her white running shoes.

"Pick that up with your fancy human hands," he sneered. "Pick that up and page through it with those dexterous human fingers that magazines and books are obviously designed to be used by."

Dash knelt down to retrieve the magazine and did as she was instructed. She saw some pretty pictures of humans and buildings and things. They were nice, but Dash couldn't quite see the point Monochrome was making.

"Bowling balls. Saddles. Writing quills. Chairs and benches and beds. They were all designed for humans – even the ones in Equestria."

Dash raised an eyebrow. "And your point?"

Monochrome chuckled dangerously, and his left eye twitched nervously. "At first, I thought it was a trick. Some weird technology thing – humans planting magazines in their waiting rooms that made them appear relatable to ponies."

The ceiling fan came to life, dropping magazines on the floor and table as its blades slowly began whirring.

"But then I read some more, and I really got to thinking about it. Why do our bowling balls have finger holes? And while I was reading, I noticed how much of a pain it was turn pages without unicorn magic... or hands. 'Why's that?' I wondered. How does that make sense?"

The crazy look in Monochrome's eyes was starting to scare Dash a little, and she took a few steps backwards, slowly edging towards the door.

"We're just a copy – a simplification. Humans have ponies in their world – they're just dumb beasts, like dogs or rabbits. We're a copy of them – a shallow copy devoid of depth or meaning. I used to be proud to be a pony, and that pride was what kept me going. But now..."

Monochrome paused, shooting Dash a few deranged glares, which made her inch further backwards.

"Now I don't even have that. Ponies don't matter. We're nothing."

With that, Monochrome slumped into a sad heap on the floor, his anger and insane energy leaving him like the air from a deflating balloon. Dash stared blankly at the grey and black heap in front of her for a moment, until she could contain herself no longer.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed. "Oh dude, dude, what? What?"

Monochrome perked up slightly. This was not the reaction he had been expecting.

"Talk about overthinking! You should meet my friend Twilight – you guys would get along great!"

Dash keeled over on the ground, her body racked with laughter, and her fist pounding the floor.

"But-"

"Yeah, dummy," said Dash, wiping a tear from her eye, "of course there are going to be similarities! We're all smart, we all talk, and we all read books and stuff! And as for bowling balls: they just look cooler with holes."

Monochrome sighed. She didn't get it, and she probably never would. Not everyone had his analytical mind. In fact, very few people did. He would be lucky to find anyone who could sympathise.

"I guess you're probably right," he lied, pulling himself up off the floor. "Maybe I do overthink things every once in awhile."

"No doubt!" Dash replied, picking herself off the ground and smoothing out her tracksuit.

"I'm sorry for intruding. I just needed to do some research on humans, really. I had no malevolent intentions."

"'S'alright... I've decided I quite like you, kid. That act if yours is gonna keep me smilin' all day."

"I'm... glad I could be useful."

Monochrome headed for the door, with Dash waving after him.

"Don't forget to come back later, when you're ready to get humanified!"

"I won't."

***

"Sign here, and initial here, and you're done!"

"I'm glad."

"Thank you, Mister Orange."

"Please, keep calling me Monochrome."

A week had passed since Monochrome's last trip to the Bureau, and in that time he had done a good deal of thinking. It had taken an enormous measure of determination to finally leave his shack and go to the Bureau to get humanified, but he had put his head down and done it, not looking back for a second.

"I'd like to make a special request, if possible," he asked Rarity, just before nosing the form across the counter to her.

"I'm sure we can set you up in a room near Rachel's, don't you wo–"

"No, it's not that." Definitely not that.

"Then what is it? I'm afraid I can't let you customize your human form; that sort of thing is outside of the scope of this service."

"It's not that either. I just want... could you... I'd like it if..."

"Yes?"

"I want you to erase my memory. When I'm human, I don't want to remember being a pony. I want to believe that I was born a human."

Rarity ummed and ahhed for a moment.

"Can't you do it?"

"No, no, of course we can. It's actually a more common request than you might expect."

"So you've done it before?"

"Yes... a few times."

"So then that's fine. Sign me up!"

"Are you absolutely sure, though? After you lose your memories, you can never get them back."

"Yes, I'm quite sure."

Rarity looked into the pony's dark brown eyes, searching for any speck of doubt or uncertainty. She could find none in his blank, almost lifeless stare.

"Well, alright then. We'll erase your memory on humanification."

Monochrome smiled, thanked Rarity, and trotted towards the back room door. Before he opened it, Rarity called after him.

"I'm glad you made this choice. The choice to get humanified, before it's too late."

The pony stared back at the human.

"There was no choice. I was never a pony."

Before Rarity could reply, Monochrome had disappeared through the door and into the darkness beyond. Pushing her bewilderment to one side of her mind, Rarity reached for the nail file beneath her counter, and started filing the nails of her left hand. She was becoming rather good at it.

[Afterword]