This is going to take some planning...
I really wished we could keep putting off dealing with this... Or fire them all.
Don't get me wrong, they were all good ponies, and what happened to them wasn't their fault, but this was a unit cohesion and logistics nightmare that no one wanted to deal with.
Currently, nearly the entire Crystal Guard was arrayed in front of me. The main gate was being defended by a skeleton crew of six ponies who had been chosen for the duty by dint of being completely asexual and aromantic.
Frankly, we were lucky to find that many.
My wife gave a nod and I cleared my throat. "Thank you all for coming. As you know, a serious issue has recently gripped the Crystal Guard." I sighed... There was no subtle way to put this. "It has come to our attention that the vast majority of you are now in love with the vast majority of the rest of the guard."
The crystal guard was a military organization. There were no murmurs, no interruptions... No sign of the fear and confusion that had gripped the auditorium except for the guards' paling faces.
I held up a hoof. "Understand that your positions are not in danger." Though they should be... I couldn't help but think. "Provided you are capable of comporting yourself like decent guardsponies, we should not have any issues and it would be foolish of us to get rid of our entire military presence in the castle. We are even planning a relaxation of the fraternization code during off hours..."
That got a couple smiles... And yet more nervous glances as ponies wondered if they would ever be able to sort themselves out well enough to take advantage of the new regs.
I continued. "However the formation of all of these close, and I'm sorry to say in some cases unrequited feelings..." There was a bit of twitching from the crowd... "Could have an effect on our defensive readiness. Thus we feel that-" A single guardspony had thrown up his hoof. It was far from proper protocol, but he looked more nervous than defiant so I decided to let it slide.
I cleared my throat. "Yes, Corpral Cubanite?"
The sparkly grey enlisted pony gulped. "Permission to speak freely sir?"
I nodded. "Granted."
"HOW COULD THIS EVEN IN A MILLION YEARS HAPPEN!?" He turned to the crowd. "I mean, seriously ponies, I can't stop thinking about you... I... I don't have a clue how we could make this work, or how I could have fallen for so many... How everyone could..."
The stallion next to him, Private Malachite, put a hoof on his shoulder. "Sweetie it's okay! We'll figure this out..."
The corporal started crying. "How...? How can this ever be okay? There's a 110 of us and a bunch of us aren't even bi... I just don't understand how this could happen..."
The mare next to him wrapped her hooves around him. "Don't worry cubey! Whatever happens we're here for-"
"SOLDIERS YOU WILL SIT DOWN!" I shouted.
The trio disentangled themselves and sat at perfect attention.
Okay, I admit it, that was a bit harsh... Unfortunately I could see where this was going and, as entertaining as it would be to watch, I couldn't afford to have the auditorium turn into a giant cuddle pile.
Cadence took the microphone. "As you can see, this much disorganized love has the potential to be destructive. However this is no evidence that you have suffered an attack or been in any way love poisoned." She shook her head. "I'm afraid... This is my fault."
After my little show of force there was no way they were going to make a scene... but every eye in the room widened in shock.
Cadence held up a hoof. "I'm sorry... None of this was intentional, but apparently me sleeping above you for years caused a major seepage of ambient love magic."
She bit her lip, but continued. "Normally that kind of magic wouldn't make you fall in love with each other, but it did make you all more emotionally open. On top of that, all of you have worked and fought together, forging a bond as soldiers that my magic... Nudged into becoming something more."
She grit her teeth. "But know this, the love you feel is not fake! It's real. And I will be doing everything I can to protect all of your hearts just as you have protect my husband and I! As Princess of love I promise you I will make this work!"
"I am so screwed."
I was back in my office, staring at the numbers from our surveys again and again... But they weren't pretty.
Shining was looking over my shoulder with a bemused smirk. "I can't believe we have so many LGB ponies in the ranks. We're going to have to start flying the rainbow flag with our color guard."
I rolled my eyes. "I just wish we had more bisexuals... It would make organizing my shipping charts so much easier."
I rubbed at my temples. "Oh Celestia this is a mess!"
My loving husband put his hooves on my shoulders. "Cadence, it's okay! These aren't some random ponies off the street. These are all good ponies that I personally trained I'd trust every one of them with my life. I know you and I know you can find a way to resolve all of this plus..."
He gave me a sly look, "There's four gay stallions that want a polyamorus relationship, that'll be pretty sexy to see around the castle, eh?"
I blushed. "Careful dear, keep flashing that bisexuality of yours around and I'll start using our bedroom as the remainder column... Also most poly groups I know aren't much for PDAs."
I sighed. "Seriously though, while that might work we still have to deal with the unrequited love the gay ponies have for the straight stallions and the unrequited love the straight mares have with the gay ponies! That can fade into deep friendship with time and the support of true loving partners, but we'd need to set it up so they can have the space they need for their hearts to heal..."
Shining winced. "Fair enough... Oh crap, I just noticed you'll have to downgrade that gay foursome into a triad. I just noticed there are three gay ponies that want a monogamous relationship and you'll have to move someone up from the "flexible" column so you have pairs..."
He blinked. "Okay... I can see how this could get complicated."
I rubbed at my head. "That's not the half of it... These are ponies not numbers. We have no idea if whoever we bring up from the "flexible" group will be compatible... I guess the best way to combat that would be to try to get the three gay ponies that are flexible about wanting to be poly or not to hang out and interact with the three gay ponies that want monogamy, but if we lose more than one pony then we leave the strictly polyamorus gay guy all alone rejected by the ponies he loves!"
I found myself breathing a bit heavily. "And that's just the gay guys! We haven't even gotten to the Lesbians! And heaven help us when we have to find appropriate matches for the 21 straight monogamous stallions with the 19 straight monogamous mares... All of whom love each other."
There was a knock on the door. "Madam? The refreshments you ordered are ready."
Oh thank Celestia, I needed a gallon of black tea if I wanted to sort through this mess. "Come right in Amethyst."
One of the house servants came up with a piping pot of tea and some cucumber sandwiches, as well as a bowl of french onion soup with plenty of mozzarella and croutons... And a slice of chocolate decadence cake.
Look, I'm pregnant okay? Besides, after all of this I needed comfort food.
Amethyst poured me cup of tea and a thought occurred to me. "Wait a minute, Amethyst you servants live here and serve closely together, why aren't you all in love with each other?"
Amethyst smiled. "Oh, we are. We're just better at handling it than the guards."
Shining stared at her. "It makes sense if you think about it." She continued. "They were trained to fight enemies and protect ponies while we were trained to provide whatever services were needed of us..."
A slightly horrifying thought occurred to me. "Wait, when you and the other servants have been having "all staff meetings" in that West ballroom with all the sofas..."
She shot me a sultry look. "Don't worry my lady. We're some of the most talented cleaning staff on the planet. Every time we use it, we leave the place looking better than we found it."
I was at a complete loss for words. The servant curtsied. "Will that be all my lady?"
I was so glad my pink coat hid my blush. "That's everything Amethyst, thank you."
That said, she curtsied and left.
Shining warily eyed the door as it closed behind her. "Well... That's one solution."
I shook my head, "I'm quite glad that our servants have managed to clear that minefield on their own, but I'm afraid hosting... Group activities for the entire guard would be functionally impossible. There are only, fifteen servants so I suppose with their training in hospitality they can handle it, but..."
Oh my poor husband, there was no good way to put this. "Orgies tend to be exponentially difficult to put together the more ponies are involved."
My husband blushed (I sensed we were going to be doing a lot of that). "Do... Do you speak from experience?"
I put a reassuring hoof on his shoulder. "Don't worry sweetie, I haven't had any sexual partners I haven't run by you, and I haven't been to an orgy for years."
He let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness for that."
I gave him a nuzzle. We technically had an open marriage (don't look at me like that, I love my husband to bits, but I am the princess of love), but rule number one in that arrangement was to make sure both of us were okay with any relations we had on the side.
Shining looked at the data thoughtfully. I could see an idea forming in his head. "Cadence... Have you considered doing nothing?"
I looked at him like he'd grown a fifth nostril, "Nothing? Dear this is love we're talking about. Strong feelings can drive many ponies to do crazy, stupid things. If we don't try and fix this we're going to be up to our necks in highly trained, heavily armed, bad poetry writing killing machines!"
Shining rolled his eyes. "Cadence... Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're over reacting."
He put a hoof on my shoulder. "I understand how damaging relationships can be for the cohesion of a military unit, but if this is going to happen to every unit that gets stationed here..." He shrugged. "It's better to have the lovesick friends we know than the ones we don't right? Besides, all this shuffling ponies around like they're commodities doesn't seem like it's a good way to resolve things anyway."
I opened my mouth to respond, but he held up a hoof. "I'm not saying that we should ignore any relationship problems... But why not just handle them as they arise? These are guardsponies, not children. At the end of the day I think they're mature and disciplined enough to make their own decisions and get their love lives in order."
I looked into those deep, reassuring eyes and I couldn't help but feel a bit better.. "You really believe in them don't you?"
He nodded.
Well... He wasn't wrong. They were adults and It would be practically impossible to match-make and gently let down this many ponies.
I gave my husband a hug. "Okay... We'll leave it up to them."
Shining smiled. "I'm sure it will all be fine."
Three weeks later, the pegasi of "Team Ace" rendezvoused with us on the frozen mountains surrounding the capital.
"Status report!" My husband shouted, fighting to make himself heard over the freezing gales.
The sexually disinterested mare and stallion shot us a salute. "Sir, we've confirmed the reports! The... The entire empire is on fire."
Shining Armor stared at them. "WHAT? But... But how? It's made of crystal! How in Tartarus could it burn?"
I stared out at the smoldering ruins of my kingdom, tears freezing as they rolled down my cheeks.
"Love finds a way Shining. Love always finds a way..."
