The showdown to end all showdowns or just a jammy day.
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The Badger the Dragon and the Jam.
The showdown to end all showdowns or just a jammy day.
"Never trust a jam man.”, and “Watch out for flying badgers.” that's what my daddy always taught me, and that's what Celestia always taught spike.
Of course that's because jam took the life of Celestia's mother and a flying badgers took her father, but this story isn't about Celestia so darn it pay attention readers I'm a losing y'all. No this story doesn't take place in that fancy shmancy Canterlot; it take place in small wholesome town where apple pies are two bits, and everypony knows each other. This story is not about Celestia's most faithful student, or about any of the elements of harmony. No it’s about Celestia's closest thing to a son, Spike the baby dragon.
It was a beautiful day in the in the town named Ponyville; the spring had finally come, winter wrap up was over. The sky was blue, the sun yellow and the plants had thawed. In the town’s tree house, and library, the purple scaled, pale underbelly dragon was stirring. He opened his eyelid showing his emerald eyes, he was spike the most awesome dragon to ever exist in Equestria. Jumping out of his basket his feet hit the floor and for the first time since last summer he felt warmth throughout his toes.
Spike was about to walk down stairs when a thought occurred to him "Where’s Twilight?" He looked around for his lavender friend; her bed was empty, and her usually mess that would accumulate (books laying everywhere) was nowhere to be seen. The only thing out place was a letter on her desk Spike picked it up and read it.
Dear Spike,
Celestia has summoned me, and the other girls, to Manehattan to help stop frog overpopulation. Be back later. Breakfast is in the kitchen.
Love,
Twilight
Spike was dumbfounded "frog over population" he then snickered "Sounds serious!" He proceeded to the kitchen, and as Twilight wrote there was a bowl of oats on the table. Spike walked over, ate his breakfast, cleaned the tree house, and then opened the library. He wasn't worried about managing it. Rarely did anypony actually use its services; so for most of the day Spike figured he would just laze about, boy was he wrong. Spike took a seat and was about to lean back when he noticed the door open to the library.
"Welcome to the Ponyville library how may I help you?" Spike said turning to look at the door. In the doorway stood the last thing Spike ever thought or hoped to see, a badger with its white striped head and glaring black eyes, a scar marked its left eye, and in its claw it carried a badge that read for the badger republic. The badger proceeded to scream in unintelligible insults (my badger is a bit rusty but it was something along the lines of “So we meet again you scaled coward! Today you will finally succumb to my awesomeness!” which really confuses me since his mouth did not move enough for that sentence).
"What did you say about my mother you stupid overgrown rat?!" Spike screamed at the badger.
The badger looked at spike confused, or as confused as a badger could look, and then glared at him again. Spike on the other hand had fallen into a flashback prompting the story of which the badger did him wrong. The badger, wondering why he let Spike go into flashback and didn't just use his surprise entrance to his advantage and beat his dragon flank quickly, just gave up and opted for some tea in the kitchen. Unfortunately for him twilight loved herbal grey, the blandest tea in Equestria.
It had been twenty years ago that Mac hoofs had opened their first restaurant. Started by the Big Daddy Mac himself, not Big Macintosh, Big Daddy Mac was the most...... "
Wait a minute. Weren't we talking about Spikes past? The little guy is only ten; we skipped ten years, that doesn't make sense. Alright who the heck switched my scripts?"
(Badger giggles in background)
"That cheeky little badger, he stole the story! GET HIM!!!!"
*Inaudible fighting in the back ground*
*calm*
"Little bastard got me good right in the eye, son of a Celestia"
"What’s going on?"
"Nothing spike go back to your memory."
*Looks at scripts.*
"So as I was saying nine years ago."
Spike was just a little baby dragon, just barely the size of a small pumpkin, he used to sleep in his little basket on Celestia's royal bed. Every day she would quickly wrap up her royal business so she could rush back, and visit her unrelated son. Upon entering her royal bedroom she would grab him from his basket and hug him in her forelegs. Spike would always giggle, look her in the eyes, and then suck his tail. Tonight though would be different; for in the window watching them was a little badger in a ninja costume. What’s a badger doing in a ninja costume you ask? Well, dumb question, considering that there's talking techno colored ponies; now pay attention I'm losing you. The badger looked around finding its target, there she was, the Sun Goddess. It annoyed him to see her happy, but soon he would change that happiness.
The badger quietly opened the window, snuck up to the chandelier, and waited for its opportunity. Celestia, completely oblivious to what was about to happen, was too busy being amused at the sight of baby Spike trying to gnaw his way through one of the ruby's she brought him. She was entranced that she almost didn't notice the smell coming from her ceiling; it was the smell of blueberry? She looked up and noticed this ninja dressed badger holding a pie cannon. Celestia's eyes widened, it wasn't just blueberry, it was a cannon filled with blueberry jam pies.
"Oh Faust no!" Celestia screamed out before getting slammed in the face with pie. Celestia hated pie, and she feared jam, in fact so much that both were banned from the castle. "Guards!" Celestia screamed, but no answer came. It was always like this whenever an invasion, or an attack happened, her guard just magically disappeared. She would have to investigate if she survived this.
The badger ducked and weaved through the constant barrage of spells Celestia fired off while firing back with his cannons of pies, landing a shot every time, knocking poor Celestia off her hooves. Finally she had enough; traumatized and beaten she bawled herself up in the nearest corner, and wept silently; every once in a while speaking to herself in unintelligible tongue. The badger drew closer to her aiming the cannon at her face, ready to finish Celestia.
For those of you wondering how pie can kill you, it’s made with jam, Evil Blueberry Jam made by an insane jam lover who spends all his time bathing in tubs of the stuff, and blessed by an outcast zebra shaman, who does nothing but make nonsensical potions all day, and speak in rhymes which got them in trouble in the first place. I'm looking at you Zecora.
The badger smiled at the thought of finally sending Celestia to her maker when Spike, who watched in horror from under his sheets, felt a rumble in his tummy. He shot up out of the blankets, and let out a flaming belch that formed a wrapped up a scroll, smacking the badger in the eye, giving him a mean paper cut. Stunned and in pain the badger dropped the pie cannon, and rolled around on the ground in pain. Celestia regained her bearings, stood up, and shot the badger with a rainbow colored bolt. Sending the furry little creature anywhere but there.
"And that's how Rainbow Dash was born!" Pinkie Pie Ponyville's local eccentric mare screamed from nowhere.
"Pinkie! Stop that get back to helping yours friend for Celestia's sake"
"Okie Dokie Lokie"
