Beware The Humans!

by The Good Dark Lord

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random
Length: 3316

A young woman from Earth finds herself in one of those weird alternate universes of MLP where humans are villainous animals. She deals with it because adapting to the stupid is what humanity does best.

One unlucky young woman from Earth finds herself in one of those bizarre alternate universes of MLP FIM where humans are villainous predators on par with wolves and velociraptors.

Her superior intelligence to the native humans and average skill in wrestling and martial arts convinces everypony that she's a super dangerous badass that wants to eat them for breakfast, when really she's just a harmless joker that means well. The language barrier does not help her case.

Our heroine is well aware of just how stupid her situation is, but she deals with it because adapting to the stupid is one of humanity's finest traits.

Published 2016-02-17 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-17 21:30:02 UTC

Arc 1: Ponyville Part 1/3

Gee what a nice day for a walk in the woods. I sure hope nothing unexpected happens.

That was my line of thought a few hours ago. It was a Saturday, my day off, and all I wanted to do was take a nice, relaxing walk through the hiking trail by the park. After that I was gonna go to Jimmy John's to get some lunch, go home and watch movies all day. That's all I wanted to do! But noooooo that was too much to ask for. Now I'm lost in some unknown part of the forest.

This was weird. I had started in a well lit area with lots of tall thin trees, and now I was in some really gloomy part of the woods with big thick trunks and low hanging branches. How the hell did I get lost in the first place? Did I start daydreaming and wander off the path? Jeez, I was kinda alarmed at how creepy this place was. There were probably all sorts of dangerous animals around here. Wolves, bears, rednecks, you name it.

Speaking of rednecks, I heard some talking a short ways off. I was about to call out, but then the thought occurred to me that they might be drug dealers or moonshiners, so I stayed quiet and kept low behind some thick bushes. I peeked over to see a group of five butt naked people in a small clearing. Apparently I had come across a colony of nudists. Anyways, they were talking about something, so I eavesdropped.

"Heh heh, we're gonna get those ponies!" A shady looking guy said.

"Yeah we're gonna get 'em!" A short creeper added.

"Yeah!" A fat dunce also said.

"It's been too long since I've had some pony meat, I miss the sweet and salty taste!" A mean looking bitch exclaimed.

"We'll have dinner soon enough," Said the one who I assumed was the leader, an imposing looking dude. "The ponies are still close to us. Here's the plan..."

Oh no, they were poachers! And they were gonna get the little ponies! ...Wait, there aren't any wild ponies around here. Or are there? Or maybe they're horse thieves and they were talking about a nearby farm? Either way I got the hell out of there. I really hope civilization is close because I did not want to deal with this.

Once I thought I was far enough to not be seen or heard I decided it was safe enough to stand again, and I continued away from the freaks with a fast walk. No, I will not run. That would just wear me out. Where the hell am I even going? Jeez, for all I know I'm just making my situation worse!

I stepped onto a dirt road.

Huh. Maybe luck was on my side! I also noticed that the canopy around me was a lot more sparse, allowing me to see the sky and sun, which was close to setting. I looked behind me to see that the forest I had just been in now looked pitch black. Jeez. Anyways, the path I was on went either north or south. I picked south.

Daylight was getting dim. I had spent maybe ten minutes walking this dirt road and I was approaching a turn in the road that made a sharp left. I was about to go around when I heard voices just around the corner.

"Did we have to leave Zecora so soon sis? We coulda stayed another hour."

"No Apple Bloom. The Everfree Forest is dangerous enough as it is during the day. We don't wanna be around at night, especially with that pack of humans around that was just sighted a few days ago."

Zecora? Apple Bloom? Everfree? Why did all of that sound familiar? And what did they mean by "pack of humans"? Were they talking about those nudists? And if so, why did they say it like they weren't human themselves? Screw it, I want answers.

I rounded the corner and came face to face with two of the most adorable little things I had ever seen in my life. Two little ponies, one wearing a stetson and the other a bow, were staring up at me with shocked looks. Oh my god, I remember now! These are Applejack and Apple Bloom from that My Little Pony cartoon I used to watch with my little sister! Well whad'ya know, Equestria was a real place all along.

"A human! Run for it Apple Bloom!" Applejack exclaimed. She turned and ran as fast as she could from me, but Apple Bloom was rooted to the spot, frozen with fear. Her eyes were wide and her pupils were tiny. Her entire body was subtly shaking.

Aw, the poor thing's scared of me! Now I feel bad about myself. Oh, I know! I'll introduce myself, befriend them, and have all sorts of wacky misadventures! This is the beginning of my magical adventure in Equestria! Yippee!

The first thing I was gonna do was comfort Apple Bloom. I gave her a friendly smile and leaned towards her. "Hi there, sorry about scaring you just now. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you. My name's Barbara. What's your's?" It would be less awkward if I just pretended to not already know who she was.

She continued staring up at me with that same terrified look. My heart melted. Here was this helpless little pony whose height barely reached my knees and she was looking at me like I was gonna eat her alive or something. I had to make it clear I really did mean no harm.

I reached forward with both hands to give her a hug. "It's okay, I just wanna hug you. It's gonna be okay." I gently picked her up under her forelimbs and lifted her off the ground. We were eye level now and I was about to draw her in for the hug when I saw Applejack charging at me.

I smiled. "Oh hello! It's nice to meet you my name's- OOF!" Applejack had just kicked me in the gut.

Applejack and Apple Bloom were walking through the Everfree Forest. They had just paid Zecora a visit for some medicinal herbs, and they were on their way back to the farm. They were currently arguing about why they had to leave on such short notice because of the nightfall. Neither had noticed during their argument that they had taken a wrong turn, and were actually heading north instead of south like they were supposed to.

"Did we have to leave Zecora so soon sis? We coulda stayed another hour." Apple Bloom said.

"No Apple Bloom. The Everfree Forest is dangerous enough as it is during the day. We don't wanna be around at night, especially with that pack of humans around that was just sighted a few days ago." Applejack responded.

Applejack had told Apple Bloom about humans. Apple Bloom knew that humans were dangerous predators like timber wolves or hydras, but she did not understand the danger they represented. She did not hold the same level of fear and respect towards them that Applejack did. Lack of experience had a lot to do with that. "Oh c'mon Applejack, what're the odds that we're actually gonna meet a human in this part of Equestria?"

Not a second later a human came around the corner they were approaching. The two ponies and human immediately made eye contact and all three froze on the spot. Applejack could tell just by sight that this human was female, but other than that it was different from any she had seen before. Its body, legs and arms seemed to be covered with a coat of grey fur, it was a good foot or so taller than most other humans Applejack had seen, and quite frankly it looked like it was cleaned up to look pretty.

Then the human smiled at them, showing off its teeth. "A human! Run for it Apple Bloom!" Applejack exclaimed. She quickly turned and bolted in the opposite direction. "Keep up Apple Bloom! We gotta get back to the farm!" There was no answer. In fact there wasn't even the sound of little hooves next to her. "Apple Bloom?"

Applejack skidded to a halt and looked behind. A fair distance away she could see Apple Bloom still with the human. Applejack was immediately filled with dread and shame. She had let her fear take control of her, and left her own sister behind. Applejack gritted her teeth. Applejack you daft fool, get yer manure together! She thought as she turned back to save her sister.

As she got closer Applejack saw, much to her horror, that the human had picked up Apple Bloom off the ground. Applejack doubled her speed. The human saw Applejack and gave a malicious snarl. Applejack launched forward and delivered a powerful kick to the monster's gut, making it drop Apple Bloom and fall backwards onto the dirt. Apple Bloom fell and landed safely on Applejack's back.

"Apple Bloom! Are you alright?!" Applejack exclaimed.

"S-Sis?" Was all Apple Bloom managed to squeak out.

An angry growl was heard. Applejack looked with shock to see the human getting back up. Humans usually go down with just one of my kicks, so why is this one getting back up?!

The human started roaring at them. "Hold on tight!" Applejack yelled.

Apple Bloom wrapped her hooves around Applejack's neck and they were off. They ran all the way to the farm without looking back. Applejack would tell her friends about this in the morning.

Applejack kicked me in the gut and I fell backwards, dropping Apple Bloom.

Ow, that kind of actually hurt! I gave a pained groan as I sat up and wrapped my arms around my mid section. I looked to see Apple Bloom now on Applejack's back, and Applejack herself was looking at me like I was doing something she had never seen before or something. I stood up. "Okay, I'm sorry about giving you a fright and giving you another fright with your sister there, but that was just rude! Now I'm sure we can talk this out like reasonable people-"

"Hold on tight!" Applejack suddenly yelled. With Apple Bloom on her back she ran off into the distance.

I was hurting a little too much to bother chasing after them so I simply gave a huff and placed my hands on my hips. "Why the nerve! It's almost like they couldn't understand me."

"That's because they can't, stupid."

"GAH!" I gave a surprised yelp and whirled around to see those five nudists I saw earlier. The leader was closest to me and giving me a neutral but stern look, the shady looking one was eyeing me with suspicion, the bitchy looking one was straight up glaring at me and the short one and the fat one seemed curious but cautious. "Um... hi?"

"You got some nerve trespassing into our territory and trying to steal our prey," the leader said. He had a muscular build and a decently handsome face, and I suppose I should have been intimidated, but the effect was ruined by the fact that he and the rest of his gang were actually kinda short. I myself am 6'2", but these guys looked like they only measured up to 5'0" at the most. Now that I got a good look, the other three besides the leader and the fat one actually looked a little thin, like they rarely got enough to eat. I could see ribs.

I realized that they were waiting for me to answer. "Oh, well, sorry about that, I just kinda wandered into this place." What? I was telling the truth. "And what 'prey' are you talking about?"

"We're talking about that pony you caught. You were about to eat it."

"I wasn't gonna eat that pony! I just wanted to talk to her! Why would I eat her?!"

The bitchy one openly laughed. "Oh wow, we've got ourselves a freaking idiot here." She smirked at me. "Don't you know anything? Ponies can't understand us because they're stupid. The only thing a pony is worth is a good hearty meal. A meal that you denied us when you fucked up our ambush!" She began advancing on me.

I held my hands out in defense. "Hey now! Let's not do anything rash!"

"Oh please, what are you gonna do to me?" She started circling me. "Look at you ya freak of nature. Taller than ya oughta be, and all cleaned up like a pony. And what the hell is this on you? Fur?" She tugged at my clothes a bit.

"That would be my jogging suit."

"What the fuck is that?"

"Please stop..."

She pushed me back a bit. "Oh what's that? Ya scared? Then do something about it! C'mon, fight me!"

I panicked, wrapped my arms around her waist, and suplexed her anime style. I quickly let go and got up. Oh jeez, I just started a fight, didn't I?

To my surprise the other four weren't bum rushing me. The leader was stroking his chin in thought and the other three looked surprised. "How did you do that?!" The short one exclaimed. "Thorn is our best fighter and you took her out in one move!"

I nervously twiddled my fingers. "I, um, know wrestling?"

The leader took a step forward and tried to put on a charming smile, but instead it came off as slightly creepy. "What's your name?"

"... Barbara."

"I am called Apex, I am the leader of this pack. You've already met Thorn."

I looked to the woman in question and saw that she was crawling away from me, rubbing the back of her head and giving me a major stink eye.

Apex continued. "Allow me to introduce you to the others. Say hello to Drake," he motioned to the shady looking one, "Brains," the short one, "And Rolly" the fat one.

"Er, hi?"

"Now that we're all properly acquainted, allow me to make you an offer. Now normally when I see a loner such as yourself, I'll chase them off, or even kill them. But after seeing your strength and skill, I'm beginning to reevaluate you. We are few in number, and you need a pack, so why not join us? Your chances of survival would dramatically increase, right? So whad'ya say?"

Was this guy fucking serious? He just straight up says that he would have tried to kill me, and now he wants me to join his team? No, not his team, his 'pack'. I literally just met these guys! And I had a feeling my odds of survival would decrease if anything if I spent any more time around these assholes. Especially Thorn.

But then again, I didn't have anywhere else to go or anyone to go to. I couldn't go to the ponies because of the less than stellar first impression I had given, and apparently humans existed as dangerous monsters in this universe so the ponies would be reluctant at best to take me in anyway.

"I guess I can stick around for a while."

Apex smiled. "Excellent! Welcome to the pack."

Drake rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, great. Now we got another mouth to feed and we're low on food as it is. She can't even hunt right! She literally let a pony slip through her fingers!"

"Yeah I dunno," Brains said, "Let's just ditch her. We got enough problems as it is. Right Rolly?"

Rolly looked unsure. "I dunno. She might fit in if we give her a chance."

Wow, this was awkward. I decided to acknowledge my minimal hunting skills to get them off my ass. "I can hunt just fine. I've caught deer, rabbits, and fish and other stuff." With a rifle, a rod, and a snare, none of which I had.

Apex smiled. "See? She has experience! She wouldn't have stayed alive this long if she didn't know how to hunt."

"I dunno boss-"

"Barbara is staying and that is final! We're returning to the den. We'll find breakfast in the morning."

I'm not sure whether I should be glad or nervous that Apex has taken an interest in me. ...Oh god no.

So, yeah, after that I just kinda joined up with them and followed them back to where I first saw them. They led me past there and to a small cave. They went in, but I hesitated at the entrance. It was night out now, and everything just seemed a lot more ominous than earlier. I gulped and entered.

The cave was actually kinda deep. It was a whole minute until I reached the end, which was a chamber big enough to fit at least thirty people. The floor was covered with plants and grasses for bedding. There were a few animal bones scattered here and there. My five hosts were already in their spots and settling down for the night. I chose a spot on the opposite side of the chamber away from them and formed a thick pile of grass for my bed. At least it wasn't wet. When I laid down, I made it a point to face towards my hosts and to keep my eyes half open.

The first chance I get, I am ditching these weirdos.

And to think that just this afternoon, I was in the real world, and now I'm stuck in this twisted version of a cartoon world.

Huh, I'm surprised how easily I'm just accepting this and dealing with it. Shouldn't I be breaking down crying and worrying about my friends and family back home? Yeah, I probably should be, but that wouldn't solve anything. I'll just have to adapt and find a way out of this on my own.

Author's Note

So I was reading Your Human And You and I thought to myself: "Humans as animals in Equestria? Wow what a great premise!" But as the story went on I realized that it was just a romantic clopfic about a self insert with a pet fetish. Most of the spin offs were also about self inserts who showed off how awesome and righteous they were and how wrong and cruel the ponies were. What a fucking waste. I think I've seen some other stories with similar premises, but they never delivered.

So here's my attempt at the "humans as animals" premise. One of the things a lot of people forget about mlp is that the animals are practically sapient. So why are humans in YHAY and other such stories depicted as lobotomized idiots that can't think for themselves? Also humans wouldn't be so easy for ponies to domesticate. Intelligent predators+lack of control= designated cartoon villains. Quite frankly, I find the idea of wild antagonistic humans much more interesting than tame dumb humans.

As you could probably tell by the chapter title, this story will have story arcs that will last on average three or so chapters. Each story arc will take place at a different location. Arc 1 will largely be a borderline parody of the usual Human In Equestria story where the human is in the Ponyville area and interacts with the main characters. Barbara will be leaving Ponyville and the Everfree by the end of chapter three, and from chapter four and onwards she will be travelling around Equestria.

Barbara herself is, well, kind of a blank slate at this point. I definitely want her to be a Crouching Moron Hidden Badass, but I also want to build her personality as the story goes on. I dunno, as a guy I just feel weird writing a female oc protagonist. I guess I'm just paranoid about making her a genderbent self insert mary sue. Yikes.