You Can't C Me

by UglyTurnip

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 1640

Only one man can defeat Chrysalis and her army of changelings. . . AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!

Queen Chrysalis has won.

With her magic now far more powerful than even Celestia's, nopony can stop her complete conquest of Equestria.

Well, maybe nopony can stop her, but one man can.

AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!

Reading by CaptainBron3y!

Published 2015-11-10 00:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-10 00:00:05 UTC

Hustle, Loyalty, Respect

Author's Note

This is what happens when you do drugs, children. You write fanfics about John Cena. Don't do drugs.

Hustle, Loyalty, Respect

Queen Chrysalis hovered victoriously over the hypnotized Shining Armor as she stared down at the ragged excuse for a princess on the other side of the throne room. Even though she wasn't able to officially marry Shining Armor, and even though Twilight and the real Princess Cadence had escaped her bridesmaids, she knew she had won. Success tasted almost as delicious as love. Almost, but not quite.

"Soon, my changeling army will break through!" She loudly proclaimed to the throng of ponies. "First, we take Canterlot, and then, all of Equestria!"

"No," came a powerful, elegant voice that Chrysalis knew, and hated, all too well. Her gaze shifted on Celestia, who wore a vicious glare. "You won't. You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly chosen to reveal your true self-" she suddenly lurched forward, and a slightly surprised Chrysalis mirrored her movements. Their horns clashed and grinded against each other, neither bending to the other's force. Realizing that this was a futile effort, Celestia lurched back, spread her wings, and hovered in the air.

"I can protect my subjects from you!" She shouted defiantly as she shot a brilliant yellow beam of pure energy at Chrysalis. The changeling queen gasped, but managed to counter the spell with her own. The two beams pushed against each other, producing a standstill, until Chrysalis's gradually began to overpower Celestia's.

The last thing Celestia saw was the green energy reaching out to touch her horn.

She was blown back and knocked into the floor, her tiara producing a metal clang as it rolled away from her body. All was silent as the ponies slowly took it in that their ruler, their princess, had been defeated.

Finally, the silence ended with multiple simultaneous gasps.

"Princess Celestia!" Twilight gasped, rushing over to her master's side.

"The elements," Celestia mustered the strength to speak. "You must get to them, and use their power to defeat the queen!"

"You heard her, girls!" Twilight explained. "Let's go!"

With that, Twilight and her friends left the overcrowded throne room. Chrysalis wasn't bothered by them escaping. Soon, the bubble would dissipate, and her armies would capture every living pony in Canterlot.

But she saw one thing, one very insignificant thing, that threw her off: Celestia's faint smile as she whispered something into Spike's ear. The dragon scribbled rapidly on a piece of parchment and sent it away in a breath of fire. Chrysalis could only smirk at the pathetic sight in front of her.

"Your reinforcements will not help you!" She boasted as she trotted up to the ruined princess. "My army is far too vast to defeat with just a handful of royal guards."

Celestia tilted her head to stare into Queen Chrysalis's eyes. "I'm not calling for my royal guards, I'm calling for an old friend."

"AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!" An inexplicable announcer voice bellowed as a window suddenly shattered into shards of glass, courtesy of a large figure flying in. Horns blared as a muscular man stood triumphantly in the room. Ponies cheered at the sight of their new hero, who was dressed in a simple green t-shirt with the phrase You Can't C Me in big, blocky letters, jean shorts, and a rather stylish cap.

"Who are you!?" Chrysalis exclaimed angrily. "How did you get through the bubble before my subjects!?"

John Cena glanced up and made eye contact with her. "My name is John Cena!" He roared over the sound of blaring horns and cheering ponies. "I have been summoned to defeat you!"

The cheering died down, but the horns would not cease in their blaring, for they were the very sounds of John Cena's glory, and no other being had the power to silence them. Nevertheless, Chrysalis was far too foolish to comprehend the awesomeness in front of her. She did not back down.

In fact, she laughed harshly and maniacally at the new hero. "You are the best Celestia's got!? A hairless ape!? Get out of my way, or I shall destroy you!"

John Cena's smile turned into a frown at Chrysalis's mockery. He closed his eyes and found his inner peace. "Rise above the hate," he whispered to himself. He opened his eyes, which were now blazing with the fury of a thousand suns, and charged at Chrysalis.

"Death it is, then," Chrysalis uttered darkly as she shot a powerful beam of magic at John Cena. However, it simply bounced off of him and smashed into a wall. What Chrysalis hadn't counted on was Cena's baseball cap, which was enchanted with WWE badassery.

"What!?" Chrysalis gasped right before Cena's fist made contact with her face.

"Cena smash!" John Cena screamed, the force of his punch knocking Chrysalis back into the wall. She shook off the injury and opened her eyes just in time to see Cena about to body drop right on top of her. She screamed, but it was quickly muffled by John Cena's bulky muscles as he landed right on top of her. Chrysalis felt the wind being knocked out of her, and she struggled in vain to escape the wrestler's grasp, even after he lifted her into the air and slammed her onto the floor. Despite the newfound sense of disorientation washing over her body, Chrysalis managed to force herself up and away just before Cena could grab her. She tried to fly out of a window, but ended up smashing against the wall.

But Cena was not yet done. He ran through a crowd of ponies, trampling over any that got in his way, and leapt majestically into the air. He wrapped an arm around Chrysalis's neck, mercilessly threw her onto the ground, slid down the wall, and dove onto her all in the span of four seconds. He did not hit her this time, but rather he flipped her over so that she was facing him.

"You can't see me, my time is now!" He sang in a perfect bass as he stood up. Chrysalis tried to flee, but Cena knew that she was too weak to escape. He casually walked over to one of the chairs that was occupied by a stallion.

"May I please borrow this?" He asked, demonstrating that having good manners can be cool.

"Oh, most certainly!" The stallion managed to yell over the horns, which still relentlessly blasted the same tune over and over.

As he stood up and trotted away, Cena grabbed the chair and slowly stepped back to Chrysalis, who was trying her hardest to get away from him. She glanced back at him, and her eyes widened as she noticed the chair.

"No, please!" She begged. However, almighty John Cena knew that she was evil and that he had to beat the justice into her. He brought the chair down onto her back once, then twice, then a third time. With every second that went by, the burning pain in Chrysalis's back grew until she just couldn't stand it anymore.

"Had enough yet?" He bent down and whispered into her ear.

"Yes!" Chrysalis exclaimed. "I. . . I surrender!"

"Good," Cena smiled. "Let me show you the way out."

"The what?" Chrysalis questioned before John Cena grabbed her and flew out the window. How was he able to fly? Well, he was just that cool sometimes.

"What are you going to do with me!?" Chrysalis questioned as she tried with all of her strength to escape his clutches.

Cena simply smiled and began to spin around mid-air at the speed of sound. Chrysalis now only struggled to hold onto her lunch.

"Hustle!" John Cena screamed, letting go of Chrysalis's back hooves.

"No, don-"

"Loyalty!" He shouted as he threw her up against the shield.

"Wait, I-"

"RESPECT!" Cena roared as he perfectly flung both of his fists at her. The resulting punch was enough to break the bubble, sending both Chrysalis and her army flying away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" he heard her screams until she was no more than a faint dot on the horizon.

"Another day saved," Cena smiled to himself before floating back into the castle. He touched down softly as the horns finally shut off, rendering the air completely still. John Cena walked over to the wounded princess and gently stroked her mane.

"It is done, princess," He declared heroically.

"Thank you, John Cena," Celestia uttered gratefully. "I knew we could count on you. Do you want to stick around for the real wedding?"

John Cena stopped stroking and glanced towards the broken window. He was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, Princess Celestia, but the universe needs a hero. I must be that hero."

"But John Cena, you're so cool!" Came Spike's voice from nearby.

John Cena turned to him and gave him a smile. Spike instantly felt better.

"Here," John Cena removed his cap and placed it on Spike's head. "Take it so that you may remember me."

Spike took it off and gazed at it's beauty. "Really? I'm not worthy!"

Spike was half-right: He was not worthy. However, nopony was truly worthy to wear an Artifact of Cena.

Cena walked back to the window and stretched his biceps. "I must go now, everypony. Remember to always rise above the hate."

"We will, John Cena!" The crowd spoke in a creepy unison.

The horns blared in all their might as John Cena lofted into the air and soared away, leaving the kingdom he saved behind.

Princess Celestia herself gazed at John Cena until he vanished along the horizon.

"Thank you, John Cena. We shall never forget you," Celestia muttered as a tear rolled down her cheek.