Chapters Author's Note
Note: Before anyone complains about the no Meta Rule, this story was started before the rule came into play, and then the story was grandfathered past the rule. Since this story is complete now, there will be no more updates, nor more meta situations from my end.
Human
“Sister! Sister! I have a new project!” Luna shouted merrily as she skipped through the palace halls.
The words echoed down to the court room, where Celestia cast a worried glance at her guards. One of them opened the doors a fraction and took a quick peek before closing it and nodding briefly.
“Oh, great... she’s skipping,” Celestia groaned.
“Your highness?” The current petitioner blinked in confusion.
Celestia looked back down at him and smiled. “Ah, yes Grumpy Rocks, do not worry, I will make sure that the river is questioned for the location of your missing hat.”
“Really, your highness?!” Grumpy Rocks’ eyes were wide. “You can do that?”
“Yes,” Celestia said quickly. “Yes, I can. After all, I can raise the sun, right? What is interrogating a river, compared to that?” Her eyes went up to the doors, from where a faint “Celestia!” could be heard. “So, how about you return home, and I will send someone to help as soon as possible.”
“Thank you, your highness!” Grumpy Rocks bowed deeply.
“Yes, yes, now, off you go, I must speak with my sister, important matters not for the ears of mortals and such.”
“Sister!” the doors burst open as Luna stepped in. “I have a new project!”
Celestia forced a smile as the guards escorted Grumpy Rocks out of the room. “Really, sister? That is indeed very interesting, why don’t you tell me what it is?”
“I am going to bring a human to Equestria!” Luna giggled.
If Celestia had been drinking tea, she would have spit it on her sister’s face. “W-what?! Luna, why in the name of whatever it is we would worship if we did worship anything at all would you want to do that?!”
“Because,” Luna’s eyes glinted. “I want to answer the question that has plagued them for so long!”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, intrigued despite her reservations. “And that is?”
“‘Can a human function in Equestrian Society?’” Luna cited, her smile growing. “Can you imagine it?! We could help them find peace and the meaning of friendship and harmony! We could learn about their technology we could-”
“Luna!” Celestia interrupted. “Calm down. Focus.” She raised her hoof when Luna was about to speak again. “Ah, ah! Deep breath! One more. Good. Now, slowly, how do you intend to do this?”
“I am going to capture a human soul that has left its body recently, then we will create a new body for it and-”
“A... human body?” Celestia interrupted.
“Why, yes!” Luna nodded. “Why would we turn the human into a pony if we want to know it works?”
“I see,” Celestia said, nodding once. “Continue, please.”
“We will assign the human a mission to complete that requires not only the power of friendship and harmony, but as well the human gift for invention. If the human succeeds, then we will have our answer and a way to establish peace with their society.”
“So, what type of human should we bring here? A soldier, perhaps?” Celestia mused, warming up to the idea. “They are resourceful, creative, loyal, brave-”
“Oh, no...” Luna shook her head. “Soldiers are a definite no-no. Are you seriously considering grabbing a stressful human who has just been killed in a war and doesn’t know it and drag it to Equestria where everything is nice, charming, pastel-colored and inhabited by sentient creatures that should not exist and expect it to not think it’s gone mad from combat stress? The most likely result is that it kills every pony in the vicinity before we have to send the royal guard to subdue him. It’s a completely silly and utterly ridiculous idea.”
Celestia’s eyebrows had shot up when Luna interrupted her. “You raise good points, sister. You have been given some thought to this.”
“I have,” Luna agreed. “And I have narrowed it down to either a brony or an average human.”
Celestia hummed a bit as she thought. “I can see the advantage to both, an average human would give us a more reliable answer...”
“... but a brony would be willing to try from the beginning and would be able to identify ponies to help it succeed,” Luna completed. “The problem is that it couldn’t be any brony. It has to be somepony that would not simply glomp Twilight and try to mount her.”
Celestia shook her head. “Don’t all bronies want to do that?”
“Oh, no, sister, there are quite a few who simply want to live here among us, or see us as a form of distant entertainment with no interest in being here.” Luna assured. “I have a few candidates and I know one who is about to die soon.”
Celestia sighed. “Luna, what did you do?”
Luna giggled. “I poisoned his soup!”
“LUNA!”
“Oh, don’t worry, sister, we can return him afterwards and he should be fine,” Luna said, waving her hoof. “So, are you willing to give it a try?”
Celestia shook her head. “You already poisoned him. Go on.”
o.0.o
EARTH:
“... and that's why if you use the Groups, correct grammar, and the tag-system correctly, you can achieve inner peace.” Wanderer D said aloud as he typed down the last sentence of his latest guide.
He scrolled up and re-read what he had written. “Hm... not enough sarcasm here... ugh... should I really leave the author's name on this? Meh, if they were ballsy enough to send that stuff they can own up to it being used as an example.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Oh well, time to publish this.”
The lights flashed as he pressed the 'enter' key; the world flashing before his eyes into maelstrom of blue lightning. And then he died.
The world changed into a vortex of energy and suddenly he was looking at two huge continents. One white with a wavy nebulae of rainbows around it, extending up and up. The other, covered in stars, huge beyond comprehension.
And then they spoke.
“Wanderer D,” said the white continent. Mountains moved and he slowly realized that he wasn't talking to continents. It was a pair of huge, tremendously huge, creatures. “You have died.”
“What?!” Wanderer D asked, eyes widening in horror. “But... how? I was just typing on my laptop!”
“I poisoned your soup,” the dark continental creature said.
“But... I can still be saved!”
“No,” the white creature said. “When you fell onto your laptop it exploded, driving the hard-drive into your heart.”
“Oops!” The dark one giggled nervously.
“So... I'm a cyborg now?” Wanderer D asked after a moment.
“No, you died. To be a cyborg you would need to be alive,” the white one corrected.
“Oh,” Wanderer D sighed, not knowing whether to be disappointed or not. “So... I'm dead, huh?”
“Yes,” the dark one said. “And now-”
“Wait! Hold on, what happens to all my stuff now that I'm dead? I have a bunch of stuff on my computer and external hard-drives that I do NOT want people to find.”
Humongous eyes seemed to roll. “Wanderer D, you are dead,” their owner, the white large-beyond-belief creature pointed out. “Those matters do not concern you any more.”
Wanderer sighed. “I guess, but... what are you? You’re huge!”
There was a pause.
“Sister,” the white one said. “Why can he not see us correctly?”
“Oh...” the dark one paused. “Since he’s inside a bottle, his perception is a bit distorted.”
“So, what now?” Wanderer asked after a moment of awkward silence. “Uh, I figured either Death would be here to greet me, or Bast, or if not them at least one of the deities that I have annoyed at some point or another.”
“What makes you think you have annoyed them?” The white creature asked.
“Well... there was that one time where I wrote an RPG where we summoned Thoth just for the purpose of sending him to get pizza...”
“Wanderer, the gods have better things to do than get annoyed at your silly writings,” the dark one said. “And both Bast and Death would have been here had we not... asked them for some time with you.”
“Well,” Wanderer D blushed. “Why, I... thank you, I guess, not that I don't find you both, uh, attractive for continent-sized entities, but-”
“Not for that, you moron!” the dark one snapped. “And we are not continent-sized entities! Your soul is inside a-”
“We are here because you call yourself a brony, living by the code set forth by Twilight Sparkle and her friends to your world; the code of Love and Tolerance,” the white one interrupted.
Wanderer D drew himself up, looking out proudly. “Yes, I am a brony and damned proud of the little girl cartoons I watch and write fan fiction of.”
“Yes... fan fiction. That is what we are here to talk to you about. It has come to our attention, due to the sheer number of readers your... 'guides'... get that you don't seem to be very tolerating of aspiring authors.”
“Well,” Wanderer coughed. “I tolerate them enough to publish what they like to call stories...”
“And there you go again,” the white one's voice became motherly. “Wanderer D, you might publish their work because you have to, but do you really tolerate it when you make fun of it and their creative problems on your guides?”
“... well it's hard to tolerate when they-”
“Wanderer,” the white one said again.
“Fine. So what do you want me to do about it? I'm dead.”
“We shall let you learn the true meaning of Loving and Tolerating...” the dark one announced. “We will let you learn... from the ponies themselves.”
“Wait... I'm going to be a HiE?!” Wanderer D asked in disbelief. “Have you no shame? No sense of decency? There are few things that could be lower than that! What's this going to be like? Am I going to even get there on the first chapter, or am I going to be just like 99% of the stuff that gets sent and 'dramatically' be put on hold?”
“Are you saying that you would not go to Equestria given half the chance?” the white one asked, voice tinged with amusement.
“Well- no, I mean, yes. Yes, I would but no- I... why do you ask me the hard questions!?”
“Because somepony should,” the dark one said. “You shall be granted a body and given a mission.”
“Do I get a say in this?”
“No,” the dark one stated. “You don't. Be glad, human, that we have decided to give you this chance.”
“But.. can I at least chose the time when I get sent there?”
There was a pause. “Do you have something in mind?”
“Well, I'd like to ask Nightmare Moon out, she's hot!” Wanderer D said, grinning like an idiot. “And if I'm a pony, that means we're compatible! Give me some time with her and the one-night will last... forever!”
The dark figure started making strange noises while the white one chuckled. “I'm afraid not, Wanderer D. We shall put you at an indeterminate moment in the timeline, to avoid problems with foreknowledge and other details... and you are going to be a human.”
“Fine, you're the ones throwing me into this.” Wanderer D sighed and banged his ethereal head against the glass of his bottle.
There was a sound not unlike that of a cork being pulled from loose from a bottle and suddenly Wanderer D was in a body identical to his own. “Hey, nice clothes... if, kinda obvious,” he said looking at the black trenchcoat, jeans, red t-shirt and boots he was wearing. He felt something hard on his back and looked over his shoulder for a brief second before looking at Luna. “A katana?”
Luna blinked. “Isn’t it standard wear for human travelers? So many fan fiction stories have humans writing themselves with a katana of some sort that I thought-”
“You know what, that is just terribly cliched and most of the moro-”
“Wanderer...” Celestia warned.
Wanderer D cleared his throat. “... I mean... authors... who write them in with their characters don’t even know how to hold it...”
“But you do,” Luna stated.
Wanderer D took the katana off. “Look, seriously, I’m offended with the whole HiE thing already. I’m not walking around Ponyville with a katana strapped to my back.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. I happen to like katanas.” Her horn flashed and the sword was strapped to her back.
“Why am I not surprised?” Wanderer D muttered. “Anyway, so, what am I supposed to do?”
Celestia and Luna exchanged glances. “Your mission,” Celestia said at length, “Is to befriend... and I MEAN befriend ...5 ponies and help each of them with a problem. And Twilight and her friends do not count.”
Wanderer D nodded. “Right. Befriend five ponies. Help them with their lives. Ignore/don’t count mane 6. Got it. Except...”
“Yes?” Luna sighed.
“What is the point of all of this?” Wanderer D asked. “I mean, there is a point, right?”
“Of course there is a point!” Luna retorted, looking offended. “Are you saying that you don’t believe I have a purpose for this?!”
Wanderer D looked at Luna for a moment. Then at the katana. Then at Luna. He turned to look at Celestia, who seemed to be slightly amused. “Princess, please tell me there is a point to murdering me and dragging my flank here.”
“Flank?” Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“I’m trying to keep it politically correct since an Ass here quite literally means a sentient being,” Wanderer D elaborated.
“Ah,” Celestia said. “I see. Well, Wanderer D, I can assure you there is a point to this: we are trying to figure out if humans and ponies can co-exist.”
Wanderer D chuckled, shoulders shaking as it evolved into full-blown manic laughter, which was suddenly interrupted by a hoof to the stomach, courtesy of Princess Luna.
“Shut up, D. What do you find so funny?”
“Oh, come on, you didn’t have to kill me to know the answer to that! Just read any good sci-fi book! Read Ender’s Game! You can find out what a misunderstanding can do. Better yet, instead of killing me, you could have asked and I would have told you the answer: Nope. Humans have nothing good to bring here. The fact that we idolize it so much is because it is exactly what we cannot have and therefore cannot corrupt.”
“Well, that’s a bleak forecast,” Celestia muttered.
“I don’t believe that!” Luna said, eyes fiercely matching Wanderer D’s glare.
They held glances for a bit, until Wanderer D looked away. “Fine, let’s find out. I’ve got nothing to lose now.”
Luna winced at that. “Yeah... sorry.”
Celestia sighed. “Might as well. Are you ready, Wanderer?”
Wanderer D nodded. “Call me D, please... and sure. Let’s go!”
Celestia nodded with a slight smile. “Well then, D, where do you want to start?”
Wanderer D thought for a second. “Well, Tasslehoff always said that a drop in the lake was fun... so... just drop me on a lake close to Ponyville.”
Celestia’s horn started glowing. “Good luck, D.”
And with a flash, the world disappeared around him again...
Only to reappear around him. He had a second to look down before gravity took hold.
WD: The HiE Experiment
Chapter 1: Human
By Wanderer D
The lake in the middle of Ponyville’s park was the usual spot for ponies wanting to settle down for a picnic and a relaxing time. And today was no exception. Several groups had gathered to enjoy the glorious day brought forth by Celestia’s will.
And enjoy it they did, playing ball, chasing each other, sitting down and sipping tea... and it lasted until IT landed, screaming, in the lake, creating a wave of water that drenched the nearest ponies.
“What was that?!” Rose asked.
“I don’t know!” Lyra Heartstrings shouted in shock, only to be ignored.
“So- something’s coming out of the water!” another pony shouted.
Wanderer D stood up, roaring in pain and pressing his hands against his back. Algae covered his head and most of his body. Water cascaded from his form, running out of the drenched arms of the trenchcoat he was wearing.
“DAMMIT, CELESTIA! THE LAKE IS LESS THAN 4 FEET DEEP! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED! AGAIN!”
“It’s cursing Celestia!” Another pony shouted.
“What manner of creature is that?!”
Growling and moaning in pain, Wanderer D started wading out of the lake. “Oh, I will get my revenge! Luna, this is all your fault!”
Finally, he stood, towering in front of the ponies, who were trembling and paralyzed with fear. “You!” he pointed at Rose, who cringed and lowered down fearfully. “I need a pony friend and you’re it!”
Rose’s eyes widened. She took a step back, which was matched by Wanderer D’s step forward.
“Come on!” Wanderer opened his arms, making several ponies scramble away. “It’s not that bad, I promise!”
It was then that the apple hit him in the head and knocked him back into the lake.
“Everypony! Run!” a familiar voice ordered.
Wanderer sat up in the water, angrily throwing off the algae and glaring at Applejack only to be knocked back into the water by another apple.
A stampede of ponies ran out of the park, leaving a sputtering brony and Applejack alone in the park.
Wanderer D slowly pushed himself up and had to bend back to avoid another apple. He straightened up and pointed an accusing finger at Applejack.
“YOU! WITH THE APPLES! You took away my pony friend!”
“Ah just let her escape yer claws, monster!” Applejack said firmly. “Now, y’all better head back to the Everfree an’ leave Ponyville alone!”
Wanderer D spat some algae. “Or what? You’re going to-” he was interrupted by an apple to the nose. “Ow!” he started dodging apples as he approached the increasingly annoyed mare. When he was close enough, he ducked under the apple cart and took away the stone that Applejack had placed there to keep it from rolling down the hill.
“What are y’all doin’?!” she shouted as the cart started moving down the slope.
“Getting rid of your ammo!” Wanderer D replied smugly. That was when Applejack turned around and bucked him back into the lake.
“An’ stay down!” the mare shouted as she hurried down to stop the cart.
Wanderer D coughed in pain and got on all fours at the shore of the lake, holding a hand to his chest. “Y-you bucked me!”
“Ah said to go away, an y’all didn’t!” Applejack replied, glaring at him angrily. “Now, git!”
“Or what?”
“Or we’ll send you back!” Twilight Sparkle responded, walking up to stand next to Applejack.
“Oh, just go away!” Wanderer D growled. “You and your friends don’t even count!”
“Twilight!” Applejack spoke up quickly. “Ah heard it swearin’ that it was gonna kill Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!”
Wanderer D took a step back into the lake, laughing nervously as Twilight Sparkle slowly turned to glare at him, her coat slowly starting to light up with energy as she went into full Rapidash mode.
“Aw... cr-”
The blast of magic sent him flying over the town. Ponies looked up as the strange creature sailed over, cheering as it went past them and landed in the middle of the Everfree Forest.
o.0.o
Wanderer D considered his approach as he almost reached LEO. He watched below him a small hut with masks and random objects, presumably Zecora’s, followed shortly by a precipice that simply continued the forest at its bottom. “Hm. Maybe pointing at Rose and ordering her to be my friend was not the best way to do this. Seemed to work for a bunch of HiEs, though. Maybe I should just use common sense?”
He watched the trees approach at an alarming speed. “Nah, common sense is overrat-mph!” he closed his eyes as he smashed through the treetops and tried to spit out the leaves that had gotten into his mouth as he desperately raised his arms to protect his face.
Clothes shredded and his arms, legs and torso were smacked hard by branches. His speed was reduced at the cost of a new bruise until, finally, he felt something snag him and felt himself stop.
After a few seconds of no more pain, he carefully opened his eyes. He was hanging from some vines, just a few feet off the ground. He eyed it critically. Yep. He almost died. Again. Wanderer D sighed and rubbed his temple. “At this rate I’ll be really dead before sundown.”
Shaking loose, he finally dropped to the forest floor in a far gentler manner than he would have otherwise experienced. Spitting out a leaf, he took a step before pausing and reaching into his trench coat. Slowly he pulled out a hard object that had become embedded in it.
“Pinecone,” he sighed. “Go figure.” Wanderer D tossed the offending pod onto the floor next to him.
“PINECONE!?” A voice suddenly shouted and out of the bushes emerged a blue blur that knocked the human back as it landed on top of the pinecone and started munching on it hungrily.
“Oh... please... just... kill me,” Wanderer D groaned, slowly disentangling himself from the thorny bush he had been pushed into. He shook his head and looked at the creature that had barreled past him. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
Trixie stopped munching on the pine cone long enough to shoot him an angry glare before she dug back in.
“A pinecone. Seriously. You have got to be kidding me. You cannot be feeding on a freaking pinecone. It’s not canon. It’s not even logical!”
Gulping down the last of the pinecone, Trixie sniffed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie needs no canon to eat her pine cone! Sweet... deliciously crunchy pine cone...” she started giggling.
Rolling his eyes, Wanderer pulled out another pinecone from his trench coat and threw it next to Trixie, who started munching on it immediately.
With a huff, he walked up to her and collapsed, spreading eagle on the floor, groaning. He ignored the crunching sounds next to him and sighed. “So what brings you to the Everfree, Trixie? Plotting revenge on Twilight?”
Trixie finished the last of her pinecone and glanced at the human. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has made the Everfree her home! She controls everything that happens in here and has grown more powerful since she arrived! The Great and Powerful-”
“You’re lost, aren’t you?” Wanderer D interrupted.
Trixie blinked, her tirade interrupted. Grumpily she sat down next to the human. “Yes,” she growled. “How did you know?”
“My life has become one long and terrible cliche. I just made the most obvious and lazy deduction since it seems to happen all the time. So... you’ve been here since when? Since the Ursa Minor incident?”
Trixie looked away and Wanderer D blinked in disbelief. “You have?! ” He sat up and stared. “But... that’s been like... you were here during winter!? And Nightmare Night?!”
“The... The Great and Powerful Trixie has... a terrible sense of direction.”
Wanderer buried his face in his hands. “You’ve got to be joking. How can you survive here, on your own, for more than a year? Didn’t you ever meet Zecora?!”
“Who?”
“The zebra?”
Trixie thought for a moment. “No, Trixie cannot say she has met a zebra at the Everfree. Why would one be here anyway?”
“No one knows, but then again, since when has reason had anything to do with how things work here?” Wanderer D mused.
“Trixie has no idea,” Trixie replied after a moment.
“Anyway,” Wanderer sighed as he struggled into a sitting position. “I just flew over Ponyville, so I think I can lead you out of here... it’s a bit far, so I hope you’re up to walking.”
Trixie’s eyes shone with gratitude. “Really, creature? You would do that for Trixie?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Eh, why not? It’s not like staying here would do either of us any good.”
As both set out to walk through the forest, Trixie kept looking at Wanderer D until he stopped and looked back.
“Okay, what’s the problem?”
“What are you, exactly? The Great and Powerful Trixie has seen many creatures in her journeys, but none as strange as you.”
“Well, I am glad to say I am strange even to my own species,” Wanderer D said. “I’m a human. And as you can see, no, we don’t look like giant, hairless monkeys. That’s just lazy writing.”
Trixie arched an eyebrow. “Trixie never said you looked like a monkey.”
“Sorry, personal grief.” Wanderer D muttered. “Anyway, you can call me ‘D’.”
“D?”
“D.”
“What kind of a name is that?”
“It isn’t, but you can still call me it.”
Trixie frowned. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“No, it doesn’t, I guess. But that doesn’t matter.”
“Why not?”
“Because. At any rate, why do you care? Think of it as my stage name.”
Trixie nodded. “Ah, why didn’t you just say that? The Great and Powerful Trixie knows all there is to know about stage names, D!”
“Good,” Wanderer sighed. “Now, come on. We don’t want your sister to worry too much.”
Trixie frowned as she trotted over to catch up to him. “Sister? Trixie has no sister.”
“Chances are Twilight is,” Wanderer replied. “Which would mean you also have a brother since she suddenly had one. Oh, and if you are, then you are related to royalty.”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Right. Well, then, lead the way.”
They walked in silence for a while, until Trixie finally broke it. “D... if that is your stage name, what sort of performer are you?”
Wanderer D arched an eyebrow. “Well... um, I’d be a storyteller,” he said, hesitating a little. “I tell stories about ponies doing... stuff.”
“Stuff? What sort of storyteller uses the word ‘stuff’ to describe their craft?” Trixie huffed.
“The type that knows the kind of questions that would stem out of actually telling you the whole thing. Suffice it to say that I tell stories and I happened to be in a position to allow others to tell theirs or not.”
That caught Trixie’s attention. “Oh, so you are a Master Storyteller? Were the others your apprentices?”
Wanderer D stopped. “I... yes. I did try and teach some of them how to use our... uh... system... for storytelling in an effort to help them have an easier time of it. It didn’t always work, and it backfired a couple of times.”
Trixie sighed and looked down. “Trixie knows all about backfiring. You might not believe it, but The Great and Powerful Trixie... can brag a lot.”
“No...” Wanderer D’s eyes were wide.
“Yes,” Trixie nodded sadly. “Trixie does... wait, were you being sarcastic?”
“Me? Sarcastic? Never. Perish the thought.”
Trixie growled.
“Okay, okay! I might have heard about your bragging before I actually met you.”
Trixie huffed. “Well, not all Trixie said was bragging! Trixie is indeed very good at magic!”
“I would assume so,” Wanderer D said, trying to placate Trixie a bit. “I don’t think you would have had a long career had you not been able to back up your claims to an extent.”
Trixie nodded. “That’s right! There is no need to make fun of Trixie just because of what happened! It’s not fair!” She sat down and started crying. “It’s not fair! Trixie was just doing her act! Why did those foals take it so seriously?!”
Wanderer D winced and knelt next to Trixie, carefully patting her back. “There, there, Trixie. It’s okay. Foals don’t understand about the Prestige; they thought everything was the absolute truth... you can be very convincing, you know?”
Trixie sniffed. “Trixie knows... but...”
“Look, Trixie, some simple-minded folk believe everything at face-value. There was nothing you could do to convince them otherwise. It happened because they don’t know that to keep the illusion of your... character... you need to be that character all the time.”
Trixie nodded slowly. “H-how do you know about that? Usually ponies outside of the business don’t know much about the Prestige.”
Wanderer D briefly considered telling her about the movie. “I... heard about it. I might have read a book as well.”
Taking a deep breath, Trixie stood up. “We... we should keep moving. Trixie has had enough of this forest.”
“Yeah, I bet you have.”
Trixie snorted, almost smiling, but then frown at Wanderer D. “As much as Trixie appreciates the humor and trying to cheer her up, can you stop growling?”
“What do you mean?” Wanderer looked back at her. “I’m not growling. I thought that was your stomach or something.”
They both stopped short as a particularly loud growl echoed around them.
“That... was your stomach, right?” He asked. Trixie’s look was enough of an answer. “Um... run.”
They immediately set out, running through the Everfree Forest as fast as their feet and hooves allowed them to.
Behind them, the growls evolved into howls as their pursuers made themselves known.
“Timber wolves!” Trixie shouted.
“Damn them all to hell!” Wanderer D replied.
“What do we do? They’ll gain on us soon!” Trixie asked.
“We’ll fight!” Wanderer D announced. “I have sword!”
“No, you don’t!” Trixie shouted.
FLASHBACK
Wanderer D took the katana off. “Look, seriously, I’m offended with the whole HiE thing already. I’m not walking around Ponyville with a katana strapped to my back.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. I happen to like katanas.” Her horn flashed and the sword was strapped to her back.
END FLASHBACK
Trixie blushed at the series of expletives that gave even the timber wolves pause.
“... with a broom!” Wanderer D finished.
“So, what now?” Trixie asked, starting to breathe heavily.
“Look! There’s a large precipice with a ledge just outside their reach! Can you teleport us there?!”
Trixie scoffed as her eyes looked in the direction Wanderer D was pointing. “Of course not! The Great and Power Trixie is not Princess Celestia!”
“Twilight can teleport!”
“Trixie is not Twilight either!” Trixie snapped.
“Well then, can you levitate us? Throw us there? Do something to get us out of their reach?!”
Trixie’s horn started glowing as several vines disentangled themselves from the trees and wrapped around them.
“What are you doing, Trixie!?” Wanderer D shouted in a slightly high-pitched voice when he heard the snapping sound of jaws very, very close to him.
“Trixie is...” her horn flared as the vines suddenly shot up and pulled them along. “Taking us there!”
The wolves howled in anger as the pair landed painfully on top of the ledge. Not ready to give up, the predators started to pace just below them.
Wanderer D glared down at them, trying to cow them, but it was as effective as sniffing the wall in order to climb it.
“Why are you sniffing the wall?” Trixie asked.
“Sorry, lapse in congruency,” Wanderer D replied with a sigh. “But at least I established that it really doesn’t work at all.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing, nothing.” Wanderer D looked at the precipice thoughtfully. “You know, Trixie, if we could climb up that precipice we should have a straight line to Zecora’s hut, and she would be able to guide us safely to Ponyville.”
Trixie looked up. “Trixie might be able to pull us up with more vines,” she said after a moment.
“Great! We can be on our way, then!” Wanderer nodded. “And I bet you could get some good stuff back in Ponyville.”
Trixie nodded eagerly. Soon, her horn was alight with magic and several vines whipped out of the forest and danced around Trixie as they tied together in the air.
Wanderer D looked down at the timber wolves. “Is it me, or is there less of them down there?”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “They probably got tired of waiting or went to get more wolves.”
The human nodded, and soon enough, Trixie’s enchanted vines wrapped around them both, snaked up and tied the other end to several outcropping rocks above them. After a couple of hard tugs to make sure the rocks would hold their weight, the pair was slowly pulled up.
“You’re really, really good with ropes, Trixie,” Wanderer D commented, looking idly down at the increasingly distant ground.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has many fun and amazing tricks with ropes!” Trixie flaunted.
Wanderer D tried to keep his thoughts clean. “Oh, look, we’re almost there!” he chuckled nervously.
Soon the vines pulled them as far as they could, and the pair had to pull themselves up the last couple of feet.
Wanderer D was up first and turned to help Trixie up. Once the two of them were safely on top of the precipice, they glanced down at the distant timber wolves.
“We made it!” Trixie cheered, bouncing about until another growl stopped her.
Wanderer D glared at the huge timber wolf that stood between them and freedom. “It must have gone up another way,” he grunted. “Clever girl.”
“W-what do we do?” Trixie asked, looking back to the precipice, then to the timber wolf as another pair walked out of the woods.
Wanderer D sighed. “There’s only one thing to do...” he turned and grabbed Trixie’s head, planting a kiss on her mouth and milking it for all he could before letting her drop to the ground, confused and with a silly smile on her face. “Eat that, Seth,” Wanderer D smirked as he drew himself up.
Trixie shook her head and glared at him. “How dare you-”
“When I say run... run past them and head straight until you either get out or see Zecora’s hut. Don’t look back.”
Trixie blinked. “Wait... what are you intending to-”
“Run!” Wanderer D shouted, rushing forward and tackling the large timber wolf. The other two immediately jumped in, just as he managed to hold it against his body with one arm and lifting it up just enough to catch the second one with his free arm. The third landed hard on top of him, making him stumble back and fall, still grabbing the two wolves, who tried to shake loose as the third one jumped up again.
“Trixie!” Wanderer D shouted, seeing the paralyzed mare. “Run! The others might come around any minute now!”
It was then that the third wolf landed on top of him, but it had miscalculated. Wanderer had dragged the two timber wolves with him to the edge of the precipice, and leaned back, providing no resistance to the wolf’s push.
With a yelp, it followed the human and the other two wolves down the precipice.
Trixie stood there for a moment, her eyes watering and her body trembling. She took a hesitant step towards the edge, but heard the howls of approaching wolves.
Taking a few steps back, she turned around and ran into the forest.
o.0.o
CRUNCH-SPLAT!
o.0.o
Wanderer D looked up at the continental dark creature. “Hey Luna, guess that didn’t work as expected?”
The humongous eyes rolled. “Of course not, you dimwit. You got killed.”
“But I saved Trixie!” Wanderer D argued, then hesitated. “I... I did save her, right?”
“Yes, you did,” Luna sighed. “Zecora heard the wolves and was paying attention and was able to help Trixie before she plunged straight into the bog. Which is where you two were going.”
“Aha,” Wanderer D chuckled nervously.
“But you ruined my experiment! I couldn’t find out if you could even make a friend!” Luna whined, and the view around her shifted as she placed the bottle containing Wanderer D’s soul on top of a table.
“Hey, it was fated to fail anyway,” Wanderer D shrugged. “What did you expect to happen when you drop a human just like that in a village of Little Ponies? They probably thought Cerberus had fallen asleep and I had crawled out of Hades.”
“Hmm,” Luna tapped her chin. “I see your point. A human is too obvious. We have to be more subtle.”
Wanderer D nodded then stopped. “Wait, what do you mean ‘we’?”
Luna arched an eyebrow. “Do you want to be a pony?”
Wanderer D opened his mouth to retort a scathing ‘no!’ but instead found himself saying. “Omg! OMG! I Getz to be a pony?! YES!” he shook his head. “I mean... uh... sure. But! I don’t want anything fancy!”
Luna snorted. “As if I would trust you with either wings or a horn. You get to be an Earth Pony.”
Wanderer D nodded. “That’s right, an Earth Pony will do. Nothing ostentatious, no OP, no annoying delusions of grandeur.”
“Well then, if we are done...” Luna’s horn started glowing.
“Wait!”
She looked at the bottle. “What?”
“Um... can- can I get the katana back?”
Luna arched an eyebrow. “I thought you didn’t like them because-”
“I know what I said!” Wanderer D snapped. “And I also know that if I had had a weapon of some sort I might not have died! So, gimme!”
Luna chuckled. “Fine, you get the katana. Now, prepare yourself!” Her horn glowed again and white light enveloped Wanderer D’s world.
o.0.o End Chapter 1 o.0.o
Next, in WD: The HiE Experiment
“You... you really have a pool in here?!”
“I’m quite sure that was not supposed to be open.”
“ROAR!” “That... can’t be good.”
“Don’t worry! I have a katana!”
WD: The HiE Experiment
Chapter 2: Earth Pony
By Wanderer D
“What? No insta-Cutie Mark?” Wanderer D asked, eyeing himself in the mirror. “That’s lame. That’s like, cheating.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Ponies spend some time finding out what their talent is. You are aware of the struggles that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom go through to find theirs every day... and yet you expect to have one just by transforming into a pony?”
“Aww... but I wanted to feel special!” Wanderer D whined. “Don’t you know that insta-getting your cutie-mark is a staple of HiEs?”
Luna shook her head. “And what makes you think that’s actually how it would work? It’s extremely pretentious for humans to think that they deserve their cutie mark when most of them aren’t aware of their true talent, or choose to ignore it because it doesn’t make them enough money?”
“Tch,” Wanderer D looked away. “Curse you and your logic.”
Luna chuckled. “Well, I think it’s about time you–”
She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Exchanging a quick look with Wanderer D, who shrugged, she turned towards the door. “Yes? Come in!”
Turning her attention to the door, Luna ignored a small shuffling sound behind her, choosing to concentrate on the guard that was stepping in, carrying a small package in his mouth. He deposited just inside her room and looked up. “Your Majes–” he stopped and his eyes went wide. “I- I’m sorry! I... I didn’t know, I do apologize, your highness I–”
“What are you jabbering about?” Luna asked, rolling her eyes. “Out with it!”
Gulping, and blushing, the guard pointed a shaking hoof at something behind her.
Curious, Luna turned around and froze, her jaw falling open at the sight in front of her. Wanderer D lay on her suddenly messy bed, sprawled against the pillows with bedsheets barely covering anything under his belly. He had some grapes between his hoofs and was also frozen in place, eyes wide, obviously interrupted in the middle of eating them.
“Wha- you–” she stammered.
“Lulu!” Wanderer D whined, “I told you not to open the door! I said I wasn’t decent!”
Luna’s mouth opened and closed silently.
Wanderer D’s smile grew and grew. “Come on Lulu, either let the poor guard go or ask him to join us!”
o.0.o
Wanderer D was suddenly standing on top of a cloud, still holding the grapes between his hoofs. Of the bed sheets, there was no sign. He frowned. “Hey, I thought Earth Ponies couldn’t–”
And just like that he was falling through the cloud so fast that when he let go of the grapes, they flew up past him. “Damn. I guess Luna is going to have to make me another body...”
A flash of blue energy revealed the small box that had been delivered to Luna’s room. Wanderer D blinked at it and took it in his hooves. It was addressed to him, to be found in Luna’s chambers.
“Huh...” Holding it as best as he could, he used his teeth to pull the string that held it closed. The moment he undid the last loop, the box exploded, wrapping him in some sort of spell.
Suddenly he was drifting down towards the ground, a large parachute magically attached to his back.
Wanderer D blinked. “Wait... what?! How does this even work? Why? How?! This stupid world makes no sense at all. This thing appeared just as suddenly as Shining Armor’s backstory.” He sighed and looked down. “Luna put me pretty high up...”
A strange sound, like machinery being forced to work against all considerable resistance made his ears twitch.
“Wait... I know that sound... but it can’t be... it’s not–”
“Geeerooonimoooo!” A flaming, spinning and twirling blue police box flew past him, barely missing his head, but not missing the parachute.
“Damn you too, Doctor!” Wanderer D shouted as he plummeted down into the distant land. “And how far-up did you put me, Luna?! This is stupid!”
The TARDIS, for that is what it was, suddenly gave a lurch and turned at a sudden 90 degree angle, looking far more violent and cool than what the TV series had been able to show. The doors flapped open and...
“Whooves?!” Wanderer D shouted as the TARDIS started falling right besides him. The brown earth pony at the doors smiled widely at him.
“Oh, you know me, do you?” the Doctor's smile increased. “Well, that makes things easier, doesn’t it?”
“But, you’re not canon!”
The Doctor blinked. “Now, that’s an odd statement.”
Wanderer D brought a hoof to his face and dragged it down. “Never mind! I know you’ve noticed by now that we are both falling, the TARDIS is in flames and it’s an incredibly long drop!”
The Doctor looked down, wind buffeting his mane as he glanced down. “Why, so we are! Isn’t it fantastic how we have managed to talk so much and yet not crash?”
“Talking is a free action!” Wanderer D shouted. “Everyone knows that! I have a theory that if we keep up the dialogue for a while we will prevent time/space from following the laws of physics, therefore staying in a just-about-to-crash state!”
“Well, mate, that’s very interesting!” The Doctor shouted back over the wind. “But you’d better get in here before you go splat!” He extended a hoof. Wanderer D looked at it and rolled his eyes.
Being pulled into the TARDIS was an experience unto itself. The Doctor trotted around to the controls and soon they flashed out of existence right after they crashed through the tower/observatory in Blueblood’s mansion, but just before they hit the ground.
o.0.o
The Doctor grinned at Wanderer D as he looked around him. “Well, then... say it...” he prodded.
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow. “Huh, it’s smaller inside than I thought it would be...”
“Yes! And that’s because- bec- wait, what did you say?!”
Wanderer D was about to reply, but the TARDIS lurched once more, sending them both rolling on the floor. “Whooves! Where are we going?!”
Doctor Whooves looked towards the decidedly steampunk-styled controls and grinned at Wanderer D. “I have no idea! Sometime in the future! Or maybe the past!”
“Well, duh!” Wanderer D snapped, scampering up to him. “Seriously, I’d like to know!”
“I really don’t know!” Doctor Whooves galloped past a dead-panning Wanderer D and looked at another machine. “But if I had to guess, it seems we’re going into the distant past of Equestria, perhaps even before the reign of Celestia and Luna!”
“Oh, great, not only am I a pony now... I’m also going to influence the past. Jolly good.” Wanderer D started smacking his forehead against a thingamathingy. “Ow. Ow. Ow.”
Immediately the TARDIS stabilized. Wanderer D stopped and blinked.
The TARDIS started spinning wildly again, and flames sprouted around them.
“Whatever you were doing, keep doing it!” Doctor Whooves hollered before he took his Sonic Screwdriver in his mouth and stuck his head into a compartment.
Rolling his eyes, Wanderer D started smacking his head against the machine again. “Ow. Stupid. Ow. Luna. Ow. Sending me... Ow. in the Ow. TARDIS’ Ow. Path! OW!”
The TARDIS lurched one more time and shook as it stopped, the engines died and the Doctor slowly pulled out of the compartment. He shook his head and cantered happily to the controls, taking a quick glance. “Oh, it seems I was right! We’re 5000 years in the past of Equestria!”
He turned around when the banging resumed. “You can stop doing that now,” he said after a moment.
Wanderer D stepped back, his shaky legs barely able to keep him upright. “No... I- I must carry on until there is no more.”
“No more what? Trembling?”
“No... the drums, Doctor... I can hear drums!”
“Are you the Ma–” Eyes widening, Doctor Whooves took a step back, then stopped. “Wait... I hear them too.”
Wanderer D slumped on the floor, a dazed look in his eyes. “I... oh... thought good... I done had... real brain myself... damage...”
“Riiight... anyway, let’s see where we ended up, shall we?” The Doctor trotted over to the doors of the TARDIS and pushed them open. He then stuck his head out of the machine. “Well! Well, well, well! This is different!”
“Ugh...” Wanderer D stumbled up to the doctor and pushed him out. “What is it?”
Doctor Whooves gave him an annoyed look, but turned his eyes back to the scenery. “There’s no Sun! Would you look at that!”
Wanderer D looked at the darkness above them, then at the many torches randomly scattered around them. “Are you sure we’re not underground?”
“No, I’m pretty sure we’re outside,” Doctor Whooves said. “Well, relatively sure, really. There’s always the chance we’re trapped in a simulator of some kind that is playing with our senses.”
“Huh,” Wanderer D grunted. “The thought never occurred to me. Funny that... it’s the type of random thought I would write my characters thinking in a situation like this.”
The Doctor shrugged. “You seem to be taking all of this pretty well. Have we met before? Perhaps in a future time?”
Wanderer D looked at Doctor Whooves. “Yeah, you helped me stop Ultimecia from collapsing time. It was fun. Lots of summons.”
“Ah, ah!” Doctor Whooves shook his hoof. “No spoilers!”
“Tch,” Wanderer D sighed. “Fine. Maybe from another, unrelated time then... Aeris dies.”
Doctor Whooves frowned. “Who?”
“Exactly.”
A grin grew on the Doctor’s face. “I like you. What’s your name?”
“Wanderer D,” Wanderer D introduced himself extending a hoof and wondering how in the name of Celestia’s Solar-Flaring orgasms a hoof shake worked. “But you can call me D, or WD if you like.”
Doctor Whooves heartily shook Wanderer D’s hoof. “Glad to meet you for the first or second time! You already know to call me Whooves, Doctor or Doctor Whooves.”
“Huh,” Wanderer D looked down at his hoof. “Cardslafter was right, it does feel like a tentacle of sorts.”
“Who?”
“Nevermind that,” Wanderer D said. “Can you hear what I hear?”
“Drums!” Doctor Whooves forgot about his new companion for a moment as he turned around and trotted around the TARDIS. “I can hear them! But where do they come from?”
“I don’t know, but the tune is catchy!” Wanderer D said, trotting up to the Doctor.
“Well then, any direction is as good as the other,” Doctor Whooves stated.
“Lead the way Ryoga,” Wanderer D shrugged and fell behind the Doctor as the latter started walking.
“Who?”
“Ryoga... he’s–” Wanderer D cut himself off. “You know what, forget it, it’s getting too meta... even for my situation.”
The pair wandered in the relative darkness, following one torch to the next. All the time, the sound of drums became louder and louder.
“What do you think we will find here, doc?” Wanderer D asked after a few minutes.
“The possibilities are endless!” Doctor Whooves answered enthusiastically. “Imagine! Races that pre-date Equestria! They had music and doubtless they will have many stories to share!”
“Well, I am grateful for the TARDIS providing convenient language translation for us,” Wanderer D sighed. “It would be really annoying to have to talk to someone and not understand them.”
The Doctor gave Wanderer D a curious glance. “That is true and- nevermind! Here we are!”
The two earth ponies stopped where they stood, looking at a huge pyre which was burning bright in the middle of all darkness, creating a large circle of light. Several bipedal creatures howled and danced and froliked around the pyre and indulged themselves, eating the food they had gathered and piled close by.
“Oh my,” The Doctor’s eyes glinted as he started walking towards them. “They do look like a festive bunch, don’t they?”
“They look like a bunch of diamond dogs mated with mountain trolls,” Wanderer D stated. “But yes, they party hard,” he added when one of the really big creatures punched another out of the circle of light and started laughing as it drank something from a stone bowl. “We should join them.”
“That’s right!” The Doctor chuckled. “Let’s throw caution to the wind! We won’t learn anything by hiding!”
“Exactly!” Wanderer D cheered, bro-hoofing the Doctor and turning around just in time to be crushed by another diamond dog-troll-abomination which had been punched out of the circle of light.
“Are you okay?” Doctor Whooves asked, looking down at the half-buried form of Wanderer D.
“Define ‘okay’ and I’ll let you know...” Wanderer D groaned, dragging himself from under the unconscious creature.
“Well, you’re talking, walking and coherent, I think those count as ‘okay’, don’t they?”
“If you say so...”
“Ponies,” a rumbling voice came from the pyre. “We can see you.”
Doctor Whooves and Wanderer D exchanged a glance before they cantered up to the pyre. “Well, hello there, my good friend!” Doctor Whooves said cheerfully. “Glad to make your acquaintance! I’m the Doctor! And what’s this! Fire! Very advanced, well done! What else do you have here, hmm? Some sort of mushrooms, probably what little can grow here without sunlight... that’s brilliant! And what else, well... that looks like... meat.”
The creature that had spoken earlier grinned, showing rows of fangs. “It is, little pony...”
“He sounds British,” Wanderer D said after a moment. “Why does he sound British? Is that something to do with the TARDIS? If they speak another language it is automatically turned into British English?”
Doctor Whooves scoffed. “Of course not, it makes them sound Gallopfrian.”
“Oh, my bad...”
The apparent leader of the creatures spoke once more, “Little ponies... you are not afraid of us?” he gestured with his hand towards the pile of recently killed animals. “We are your hunters! We are your night–” he cut short as Wanderer D trotted past him, stabbed a slab of meat with one of their spears and held it over some embers at the edge of the pyre. “What are you doing!?”
Doctor Whooves grimaced. “I think he’s cooking it. Odd, ponies usually don’t cook meat.”
The others watched in silence as the meat was slowly cooked. Slowly the smell of cooked meat reached everyone around, making the mutts/trolls mouths water and Doctor Whooves wrinkle his nose.
Wanderer D pulled the spear back, jammed the bottom into the floor with his mouth and proceeded to take a bite. “Hm...” he said. “Nice. We could have worked a rub on it, but you seem to be lacking in spices... or even salt and pepper. But it’s nicely marbled, what is it?”
The leader of the creatures approached and sniffed the meat before cutting a piece off with a rock-made knife. He chewed on it experimentally before nodding and howling.
Several of the mutt/trolls stabbed more meat and soon had set it up to be cooked around the pyre.
“Careful! Don’t throw it into the flames! Over the embers only! And rotate it slowly... slowly... yes. That’s it!” Wanderer D grinned, taking another bite.
“Wanderer D, are you sure you should be eating that?” Doctor Whooves asked, approaching him with a slightly disgusted look on his face.
“Eh, why not? Might go to waste otherwise. I still haven’t figured out what it is though.”
Doctor Whooves rolled his eyes. “Well, let me give you a hint: the leader of the creatures said they hunted ponies. What do you suppose they hunt ponies for?”
Wanderer D blinked and his chewing slowed down. He looked at one of the piles of meat where he could now make out a hoof poking out. He swallowed. “Oh.”
A small flash behind him made both, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves look at Wanderer D’s flank, where a long fork, crossed with a pair of tongs proudly was displayed over a glowing piece of charcoal.
“I got my cutie mark!” Wanderer D cheered.
“But- you... wha- what does that even mean!?” Doctor Whooves asked.
“It means Bobby Flay better pray I never come back!” Wanderer D grinned, taking another bite of meat. When the Doctor gave him an incredulous look, he sighed and set it down. “Fine. I can grill fish too.”
“My friends!” the leader of the pack approached. “I, the Mighty Groggagphar, welcome you to our fire! Eat and make merry! For we are close the Ceremony of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer!”
Doctor Whooves and Wanderer D looked at each other. “Doctor,” Wanderer D ventured, “why is it that that wasn’t translated?”
“Because... it’s probably an actual name!” The Doctor said, turning to bow slightly at Groggagphar. “We accept your invitation, Might Groggagphar!”
Mighty Groggagphar chuckled. “You have no choice! You have been chosen!”
“That... does not sound good,” Wanderer D said, taking another bite of pony.
“Stop doing that!” Doctor Whooves said, batting the piece of meat out of Wanderer D’s mouth. “Bad pony! Bad!”
“Ouch! Hooves are hard! Don’t do that!”
“Well, stop eating your own species!”
“We don’t know if it was an earth pony!”
“You know what I mean!”
“Tch. Fine.”
The Might Groggagphar had watched the exchange in amusement. “I do not know how you ponies learned to speak our language, but it is very funny!”
“Yes, it is, isn’t it?” The Doctor muttered. “So, Mighty Groggagphar, what exactly is this Ceremony of Mahahaeh?”
“Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer,” the Mighty Groggagphar corrected.
“Yes, what you said,” Wanderer D nodded. “What is it?”
The Mighty Groggagphar laughed. “Do not worry my friend, since you were chosen you will meet the Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer soon, and then, all your questions will be answered.”
“We’re going to be sacrificed, aren’t we?” Wanderer D sighed.
“Yes,” the Mighty Groggagphar said.
“Figures,” Wanderer D sighed. “Fine, lead us to wherever we are supposed to be.
“I will, but first... let me play you the song of my people!”
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow as the drums started playing again. “No... it can’t be!”
“What is it?!” The Doctor asked as he started nodding his head to the drums.
“It’s... ”
o.0.o
After a long time of partying, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves stood inside a cage on top of a platform made of piled rocks, surrounded by torches and overseeing the grilling mutt-trolls.
“What should we call them?” Wanderer D asked after a moment. “I can’t keep thinking of them as mutt/trolls or ‘diamond dog/troll abominations’. There must be an easier name, like... Dalek or something inane like that.”
Doctor Whooves shook his head. “Daleks are dangerous, and anyone who is not afraid of them is–”
“Me,” Wanderer D scoffed. “Why should I be afraid of things that exist only in–” he looked at his hoof. “Oh. Right.” He sighed. “I’ll just call them Trodogs.”
“So, any idea what this Maha’heh bloke might be?”
Wanderer D sighed. “None whatsoever, but I do wonder what they’re doing?”
“They seem to be throwing pieces of their hunt into that large stone cauldron...” Doctor Whooves said. “I think I saw them throw in bits of pony, deer, goat, a snake, a manticore arm, a desiccated lizard, an eagle and a tail that might have belonged to a young dragon.”
Wanderer D was impressed. “You have really good eyesight! But why would they be throwing all that into a cauldron?”
A distant roar shook the platform where they stood.
“I would imagine it is for whatever made that sound,” The Doctor said.
“That sounds slightly distressing...” Wanderer D agreed.
“My pony friends,” the Mighty Groggagphar smiled from ear to ear. “It has been a fun night and we have learned much about cooking meat!”
“Yes...” the Doctor glanced at Wanderer D. “We have.”
“But now it’s time to feed Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer, and you two are the surprise aperitifs,” the Mighty Groggagphar explained. “You shall be remembered.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Wanderer D asked the Doctor, who shrugged.
“You’re asking the wrong stallion, my friend.”
A really loud crunching sound slowly got louder and the trodogs started fleeing the area in terror. “Goodbye, Groggagphar!” Wanderer D called after the leader as it joined the others. “Not so mighty anymore, are we?!”
“Wanderer D! We have to figure out how to get out of here!” The Doctor said as he pulled his Sonic Screwdriver out of Hammer Space and activated it.
“I think it’s too late, doc!” Wanderer D called back. “I can see it!”
The creature rolled on top of the pyre as if it wasn’t even there. It was colossal. The front legs seemed to be trees, while the chest was made of rock. The hind legs were torrents of ice and water that propelled it forward freezing and breaking everything that it touched. Its head was a large, insectoid thing... almost ant-like, with wicked-looking pincers, but lacking the multi-faceted eyes, instead having two glowing red eyes.
“The hell is that thing!?” Wanderer D shouted. “Not even I could conceived such a creature!”
“It seems to be some sort of elemental creature! Most likely an early progenitor of the forces that we know of later, like Celestia and Luna!” the Doctor called over the din of rocks cracking and water splashing.
“That thing is Celestia’s dad?!” Wanderer D asked in undisguised horror. “How? Did it grab a pony and–”
“Not that way!”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer seemed to be studying the pair as they argued. “You two amuse me,” it rumbled. “I shall take you with me as pets.”
Wanderer D cast an annoyed glance at the Doctor. “You were saying?”
The Doctor shook his head. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re thinking!” he turned to look at Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer. “You, Mahahaha or whatever you’re called, what do you intend to do with us?”
“You will provide entertainment to me until I get bored, and THEN I will eat you,” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer replied as it turned around.
“Look!” Doctor Whooves pointed at several pieces of wood and metal and rock that constantly fell off of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s body. “That’s how they gather the wood for fire and get ores for weapons! In exchange for easy food, it provides them with some basic needs! It’s symbiotic!”
“Whoop de doo,” Wanderer D muttered. “As impressive as it is, I’m more worried about our immediate future.”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer extended one of the trees that served as forelegs and giant roots shot out encasing both the rock cauldron and the cage. Soon, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves were watching the remains of the pyre become smaller and smaller as they moved away.
o.0.o
As they approached what they supposed was Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s lair, a faint, red glow started making the world visible. Soon, the presence of rivers of flowing lava revealed the reason behind it. Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer avoided the lava until it reached a humongous cave, which practically split a mountain in half.
Once the cage was put down, the Doctor spoke up. “Well, Mr. Mahahaha, how about you let us free? Eh? You really don’t want us to for food or pets, we’re not good for that.”
“Nope, we aren’t,” Wanderer D agreed. “But, if you are going to eat one of us, eat me first.”
“Wanderer D!” Doctor Whooves grabbed the former human from the shoulders. “What are you doing?! Do you want to die?”
Wanderer D grinned. “Don’t worry! I have a katana!”
Doctor Whooves’ mouth opened and closed a few times before he stammered, “A-a katana?! What good it that? Mwahahaha is huge! And made of stone, water, wood and probably fire, not to mention the insect-like head!”
“Eh, I’ll deal with it. You go get the TARDIS and rescue my ass before I get killed.”
Doctor Whooves frowned. “Your Ass? You have an ass? Is he in danger? Why do you need me to–” he was stopped by a hoof to the mouth.
“My flank, I meant my flank. Save my flank,” Wanderer D corrected.
“Oh...” Doctor Whooves said at length.
The top of the cage was torn off and a root picked up Wanderer D, taking him up all the way to Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s face. “You want to be eaten, pony? I much prefer live food than...” its fiery eyes looked down at the cauldron. “That.”
“You don’t have the guts to eat me!” Wanderer D shouted. “Look at me in the eye and tell me you do!”
The roots pulled him closer, until he was staring at an eye that was almost as big as he was. Quickly, Wanderer D pulled out the katana and stabbed the sword into the eye of Mord- Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme.
The monstrous elemental roared in surprise, letting Wanderer D fall straight into the Cauldron. Spitting out unknown substances, Wanderer D quickly climbed out as Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme started raging in the room, hitting the walls with its tree-like appendages and sending cold water splashing all around.
“Run Doctor!” he urged as the colossus’ blood splattered around him. Wherever it hit, grass and flowers would blossom.
“Would you look at that!” The Doctor exclaimed in surprise from a perch on the side of the cavern.
“Doctor! The TARDIS!”
“Oh, yes! I’ll be right back! Try not to die!”
“Hurry then!”
As the Doctor clambered out of the cavern, several globs of blood landed next to Wanderer D and inside the cauldron. “I’d better get out of here before–” he was interrupted by the cry of a baby of some sort coming from the cauldron itself.
Wanderer D’s eyes widened as he quickly jumped in, finding all the random pieces of animals gone and at the very bottom... “Oh, hell...” he dove down and picked the baby Discord with his mouth, jumping out and instantly dodging huge flailing limbs and icy water.
“Dmph ph oph toh fll!” He groaned as he ran up the ledges of the cavern until he was roughly over Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer. Throwing the baby onto his back, he looked over his shoulder. “Okay, kiddo, better hold on!”
“Adadada!” baby Discord gargled.
Taking several, quick breaths, Wanderer D jumped off the ledge and landed behind Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s head, who reacted by smashing his way out of the cavern.
o.0.o
“Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer must be pleased!” The Mighty Groggagphar announced. “Our sacrifices have blessed us with more wood, rock and water to survive and hunt for more ponies to grill!”
The cheers that rose around him were so loud that they didn’t notice the rumbling until it was too late. The Mighty Groggagphar didn’t even know what happened when Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer burst into their congregation, howling in pain with a pony holding a creature on its back.
The trodogs stared in awe as Wanderer D rode their god towards a lake of lava.
Wanderer D’s eyes widened. “Um, that doesn’t look good.”
“Dadadada!” Discord giggled, snot comming from his nose.
“Kid, you know how to fly?” Wanderer D jokingly asked.
“I do!” A toddler-aged Discord chuckled.
“What the hay!?” Wanderer D shouted, almost slipping off Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s back.
“I’m growing!” Discord announced, floating up and smiling.
“Huh, that’s pretty cool!” Wanderer D grinned.
“Dad, are you sure you want to fall into the lava?” Discord asked.
Wanderer D looked back just as Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer shot over a ledge and sailed through the air, straight towards the lake of lava. “No! Now that you mention it, no!”
Teenage Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly the both of them were standing in the middle of the decimated area where the Trodogs watched in morbid fascination as their god took a pain-driven, mad plunge into the lake of lava.
And then he exploded.
Wherever the blood of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer landed, flora sprung up, and since he had been decimated, the area was quite vast indeed.
“Well done, son!” Wanderer D patted Discord’s back as the remaining Trodogs fell to their knees in front of them. “Remember, everything is cool as long as we’re having fun, right?”
Discord grinned. “That’s right, dad!”
Wanderer D nodded and looked at the Trodogs. “Remember my name! For I am, Wanderer D!” he hollered, raising back on his hind legs.
With a crunch a piece of rock that used to be part of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer landed on top of Wanderer D.
Discord’s eyes went wide. “Dad!”
o.0.o
The huge continent that was Luna didn’t seem to be amused. “Wanderer D... you are responsible for Discord?”
Wanderer D would have gulped if he had a throat. “I um... I- I blame it all on Lauren Faust! She came up with him! Not me! And De Lancie! Blame him too!”
Luna sighed. “Well, what’s done is done,” she muttered. “Try to land in Ponyville next time.”
Wanderer D shook his head. “What? How do you expect me to do so when you dump me on top of a cloud? Hell, I was lucky the TARDIS was able to pick me up before the parachute was completely destroyed!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine, I will make a new body for you and we will solve the problem of dropping you anywhere once and for all.”
Wanderer D looked at her incredulously. “Are you crazy? Seriously? I went back in time and created Discord!”
“And he in turn...” she trailed off. “Well, let’s just say it ended up benefiting me and my sister, so you are forgiven.”
“Oh, thank you so much, your highness,” Wanderer D growled.
“Anyway, how would you like to be a pegasus, Wanderer D?” Luna asked, a small smile playing on her continent-sized lips.
Wanderer D’s squeal of joy was heard down the hall, where one of the guards shuddered.
o.0.o End Chapter 2 o.0.o
Next chapter:
Wow! You’re really, really bad at flying!
Don’t worry! I have a katana!
It’s the destroyer! He’s back!
These guys seem really scared of you. Who are you, exactly?
Wanderer D: The HiE Experiment
By Wanderer D
"On the last episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Mah-gick...”
Luna frowned. "What are you–”
"The experiment has failed!” Wanderer D said, gasping.
"No, it hasn’t!” Luna growled.
"Discord is my son, Luna, what am I going to do?!”
Luna blinked. "Well, that was certainly unex–”
"Thou arst goingst to becometh a pegasi! Forsooth! Luna said!”
"What? I don’t speak like that anymore, and I certainly never butchered it–”
"I’m missing my Cutie Mark!”
"Wanderer D, why are you saying random things like that?” Luna asked, massaging her forehead with a hoof. "We have already discussed–”
My Little Pony, My Little Pony Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh…
"Wait, are you singing?”
My Little Pony I used to wonder what friendship could be My Little Pony
"Cease this pathetic howling right now!” Luna ordered.
Until you all shared its magic with me Big adventure Tons of fun
"Wanderer D, I am warning you!”
A beautiful heart Faithful and strong Sharing kindness It's an easy feat And magic makes it all comp – oof!”
Wanderer D groaned and fell, rolling on the floor and holding his hooves to his stomach, where Luna had kicked him. "Wh- why did you do that?” he groaned hoarsely.
"Because randomly singing a song like that when we are trying to have breakfast is not only moronic, but pointless!” Luna took a sip of tea. "And I did warn you.”
"Y-you’re a pony, you’re supposed to be nice...”
"I only suffer fools up to a point, Wanderer,” Luna growled.
"I was only doing what a lot of mo- I mean, ‘authors’ do in HiE stories and sang in the theme tune to account for the word limit and to try and be cute!”
"Wanderer D, you are as ‘cute’ as a crocodile eating a zebra!” Luna snapped.
“But I’m as amusing as a Stormtrooper in a kilt!” Wanderer D retorted.
Celestia chuckled as she watched the pair. "Luna be nice,” she chided before looking at Wanderer D. "Now my little pony...”
Wanderer D squealed and looked at her with adoration. "Yes, princess?”
"Please sit down and finish your breakfast. Hay and oatmeal are good for you. And don’t forget your alfalfa.”
"Yes, princess...” Wanderer D said dreamily as he sat and started munching down on his simple breakfast.
"Why doesn’t he ever follow the instructions I tell him?” Luna huffed after a moment of glaring at Wanderer D in annoyance. She took a bite out of her cupcake and brooded as she chewed.
"Perhaps, sister, you’re growing too close to the subject of your experiment?” Celestia suggested, making Luna spit out the cupcake.
"Sister!”
"Announcing, Lady Twilight Sparkle!” a guard hollered as the doors opened to let the aforementioned unicorn in.
Twilight Sparkle nodded in thanks to the guards, her smile slipping a bit when she noticed that the princesses were having breakfast with an unknown pegasus.
"Good morning, Twilight!” Princess Celestia greeted her student. "I hope the overnight train trip was enjoyable?”
"It was, Princess,” Twilight said, raising an eyebrow at the pegasus still eating.
"Good, I’m glad the train is proving to be–”
"A waste of time?” Wanderer D interrupted the princess, drawing a sharp gasp from Twilight and an annoyed look from Luna.
"How dare you suggest that Princess Celestia’s train is a waste of time?!” Twilight hissed, slight tendrils of smoke starting to come out of her coat.
"Well... it took you, what, a couple of hours at most to get from Ponyville to Canterlot for the Grand Galloping Gala on the same night it happened when you took a chariot being pulled by local stallions, right? And yet, you take the train to Canterlot from Ponyville and it takes at least a whole night? How is that more efficient?”
Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but then closed it and opened it a couple of times as her brain tried to figure that one out.
Celestia sighed. "WD, Twilight is going to join us for breakfast, I would appreciate it if you didn’t break her brain in the process.”
Wanderer D smiled sheepishly. "Um... sure. Are you going to erase her memories like you did five minutes ago and pretend this conversation never happened?”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and she took a step back.
"Wanderer,” Celestia’s voice turned cold. "You will not imply such a thing ever again, even if it is in jest, understood?”
"Yes, princess.”
"Good. Now, eat your alfalfa and if you behave you might get dessert, but I’ll be the judge of that, is that clear?”
"Crystal clear, princess.”
"Good.”
A little bewildered, Twilight made her way to the table and sat opposite the pegasus identified as Wanderer, or WD and, nodding in thanks to a servant who brought her breakfast, started eating as she glanced thoughtfully at the dull-colored pegasus across from her.
"Now, Wanderer D,” Luna said after a moment of silence. "Are you prepared for your mission?”
Wanderer D rolled his eyes. "Yes, I have even prepared a list of items I will need for this...”
Luna raised an eyebrow. "Oh? I would like to see this list of yours, perhaps we can provide you with what you need.”
"Since I am going into friendly territory, I thought best to be prepared,” Wanderer D nodded, noticing how Twilight’s eyes shone with interest the moment the word ‘list’ was used. "Let me show you:”
1: Ak-47
Luna’s eyebrows twitched while Twilight levitated the list and perused it.
"I don’t get it,” Twilight said after a moment. "I have no idea what any of this is, but just about all of them seem to be weapons! What kind of idiot takes all of this stuff to... where are you going again?”
"Ponyville,” Wanderer D supplied.
"To Pony–” Twilight’s mouth clamped shut and she shot Celestia a look that could be boiled down to: ‘You’ve got to be bucking (think of AJ’s job!) kidding me!’
Celestia herself seemed a little perturbed. "Wanderer D... why would you ever feel the need to even have half of the things in there? And why the can of tuna?”
Wanderer D shrugged. "Hey, you guys might be okay with being vegetarian... but I’m not. Now, I’m okay with compromising and not eating red meat...”
Twilight’s face was shifting from curious, to confused, to horrified.
"... but fish hardly counts, right? I mean, a pescetarian diet is not that bad here, is it?” Wanderer D finished just as Twilight covered her mouth and threatened to throw up. "Hm,” he raised an eyebrow. "I guess it is... okay, take the tuna off...”
"The tuna?!” Luna hollered, standing up and slamming her hoofs on the table. "The tuna ?! What makes you even think we would allow you to carry that many weapons into a peaceful town?! And you tell me to take the tuna off? Are you stupid?!”
"Hey, I’m just helping with your experiment!” Wanderer D said, gulping down some alfalfa. "If somepony hadn't poisoned my soup and caused a piece of metal to super-heat and shoot out of a laptop straight into my heart I could be destroying someone's hopes of becoming an author right now... but noooo.... anyway, that’s... well, okay, it’s not standard for HiE fics, but now and then you see someone submit cra–”
"Wanderer...” Celestia warned.
"...stories... with lists like that.” Wanderer D grimaced. "Hell, some ‘authors’ will even include pictures of their stuff! And pony generator images of their ponies! What kind of self-respecting author does that?! It’s- it’s... lazy! It just says: Hey, readers, I have no respect for the time you are spending reading my mediocre writings and since I cannot be bothered to describe my ‘Original’ character, here, feast your eyes on this!
"It’s annoying to see over, and over and over again!” Wanderer D growled. "It’s like using the word ‘monkey’ to describe what humans look like. Humans don’t look anything like monkeys! At all! Apes, maybe, but monkeys?! Why can't they get it past their brains that monkeys and apes are not the same thing!?” Wanderer D started to hyperventilate.
"Princesses... why is... Wanderer... going to Ponyville again?” Twilight asked after a moment. "Is this why I am here?” she added, looking a bit panicky. "I’m not going to have to watch him, am I? I hate to say this but he looks... well, unstable.”
"At this point, Twilight, anything is possible,” Wanderer D said. "Do you have any idea how many people write about you or Fluttershy or any of your friends watching them?! Half the time the stories end up in clo–”
"No, Twilight,” Celestia interrupted. "Wanderer D has his own mission to accomplish, and you are not to be involved in it. That includes the other elements. Unless something drastic happens, you must all stay away from him and not interfere. For your own sake.”
"But... that doesn’t make sense!” Twilight protested, ignoring Wanderer D’s snort. She pointed a hoof at him. "This pony is clearly deranged, deplorable and dangerous! You cannot let him loose in Ponyville with a bunch of weapons!”
"Do not worry, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna spoke up. "Wanderer D is just being obnoxious. He knows he will not get the weapons he listed, and thus is making a joke out of it. In poor taste, true, but he jests, nevertheless.”
"Oh...” Twilight sighed in relief, before shooting Wanderer D a glare when he chuckled. "Well, if he is stable enough for you both to trust him, I guess I’ll trust you and not interfere with his mission and- what the hay are you doing to Luna?!”
Wanderer D gulped down the last of his alfalfa, which he had been using to scare a giggling Luna and nodded. "Good! Ahem, sorry about that... Well, if the business is done, I’d like to get started. Do you want to teleport Twilight with me to Ponyville, Luna?”
The dark alicorn nodded, composing herself. "That would be most convenient, she can quickly contact the other elements and avoid another confrontation.”
Twilight frowned as she stood uneasily next to Wanderer D. "Wait, what other confrontation? I’ve never seen you in my life!”
Wanderer D grinned. "Oh, haven’t you? Really?”
Twilight was about to respond when Luna’s horn flashed and a katana was suddenly strapped to Wanderer D’s back.
"Hey! New katana!”
"To replace the one you lost 5000 years ago while battling the first elemental and creating Discord,” Luna clarified. "Good luck, and try to stay alive this time.”
"Wait! I thought the weapons thing was a joke?! And 5000 years?! Discord? First elemen–” Twilight’s questions were interrupted as Luna’s horn flashed and suddenly they were gone.
Celestia sipped a bit more tea. "Was that necessary, Luna?”
Luna sighed. "I think he’s rubbing off on me.”
o.0.o
"Damn it, I forgot dessert,” Wanderer D sighed. When a hoof was pressed hard against his face he glanced up and then quickly looked down. "Twilight, I would much prefer if your head was facing the same direction as mine.”
More hooves on his face, and uncomfortable shuffling. "Hey, watch the wings!”
"Sorry! But why are we standing on a cloud?!” Twilight asked, looking down at the distant ground.
"Luna likes to teleport me pretty high up,” Wanderer D explained. "It was inconvenient when I was not a pegasus.”
Twilight blinked. "Wait, what?”
"In fact, I have no idea what to do now...” Wanderer D confessed. "I never learned how to fly...”
"Well, I would ask Rainbow Dash to teach you how, but I've been told to keep away from you,” Twilight giggled. "Although I don't know exactly why, you seem strange but if the princesses trust you, shouldn't we be able to help?”
"Twilight,” Wanderer D sighed. "You and the other Elements are awesome, but... this is an experiment. You know that to get the best results you need to keep things straightforward, right?”
At the word 'experiment' Twilight had sobered up a bit and nodded. "I guess I can see that, well then, I should go tell the others. Just... I noticed you don't have a cutie mark?”
Wanderer D rolled his eyes. "Oh, I did, but that's when I was an earth pony. It was an awesome cutie mark too... but Luna told me that:” his voice sounded like that of an old lady. "'If you want another cutie-mark you will have to discover what makes you special as a pegasus.' Annoying... I know, but I guess I never thought that talents shifted so radically even if you have the same soul in a different body.”
"I see... I have too many questions but...” Twilight bit her lip, then a resolute look crossed her eyes. "No, I should go. Maybe when your experiment is done, we can talk about it?”
"Sure! I'd love to hang out and meet Rarity for the first time!” Wanderer D grinned.
"How- never mind. Good luck, Wanderer, I'll tell the others not to interfere,” Twilight said, as her horn lit up with magic.
"Bye, Twi!” Wanderer D said. A flash of purple-red and he was alone on top of the cloud. He looked down at the distant ground and shifted his wings. Then collapsed on the cloud, hugging it. "No way, no freaking way! Last time I had no choice, but there's no way I'm just jumping down! I don't know how I'm getting all the way down there, but no jumping into the air! Nuh-uh!”
And thus the morning slipped into the afternoon as Wanderer D drifted on his cloud. Eventually he sighed. "Fine. The worst that would happen is I get another body, right?” He stood up resolutely and walked to the edge, looking down without fear.
"Okay, Wanderer, you can do it. Deep breaths... okay, calm, it's instinct, that's how birds learn to fly. Hell, how many times have you read a fic where RD simply pushes Scootaloo off a cliff and the filly learns how to fly before she crashes? Spike could fly in 'It takes a Village' and he had it tougher than you, so no procrastinating! Come on! Yeah! Yeeeah! Arrroooo! Yeah!” he stood on his hind legs and imitated a gorilla, banging his hooves against his chest.
After laying on the cloud in pain for few minutes, he slowly stood up.
"Yeah!” he looked down. "Yeah! Hell yeah I can do this! Oh yes I can! Who can do it?! I can do it! Yes! Yeah!” he gulped. "Y-you will get another body if you fail, there's no need to worry!” He daintily put a hoof on the edge of the cloud and looked down. "Oh come on D... you can do it...”
He sighed. "No... I can't, I need somepony to push me or someth–”
He felt something smash through the cloud and suddenly he was falling. Looking around wildly he spotted the perpetrator. "Dammit Derpy! Watch where you're going!”
The mailmare looked over her shoulder. "Sorry mister! I didn't see your cloud there! I'll bring you a muffin later!”
"Are you seriously like that?!” Wanderer D called after the receding mare. "Muffin this and muffin that?! There must be more to it than–” She was gone. He sighed, turning around and flying to the nearest cloud. "Never mind,” he growled, landing on it. "Now I have to find a way to get pushed off of...” he trailed off. "Dammit Derpy! Why do you have all the answers?!”
o.0.o
Flying around Ponyville was an interesting experience. His flying was erratic and he had basically flapped his wings non-stop since he started. It seemed awkward when compared to how just about every other pegasus flew. In the rare instances where he would rely solely on instinct, it became actual flight, rather than floundering around in the air. He had a couple of close encounters with other pegasi, but for the most part they had been amiable enough to let him float past them.
He had quickly learned that, as long as he kept an eye on the sky, he would be able to stay out of the way of most pegasi and he could enjoy the view below him. So far he had flown over all the interesting buildings in Ponyville.
The Library had been a particularly interesting experience, as Twilight had obviously gathered her friends for an emergency meeting. He had seen Pinkie Pie walk in just after waving at him (he waved back, of course) and the deliciously beautiful Rarity, followed shortly by Applejack and Fluttershy. The only one missing was...
"Hey! Watch out!”
The warning was shouted just in time, as he instinctively cringed away and was able to avoid being smashed into by Rainbow Dash, who hovered back to him with a sheepish smile. "Sorry there, buddy, I was in a hurry, you're okay, right?”
Wanderer D tried to keep a cool face. "Raihn- Reeeeein...” he babbled and shook his head to clear it. Keeping calm around Twilight had been easier and RD wasn't necessarily his favorite pony... but now that he was there, seeing her in the flesh... she had an air around her that really made her feel bigger than life. "Rainbow Dash! I- yes, I'm okay, thanks for crashin- I mean, thanks for the warning!”
"Heh, no problem! Listen, I'd like to stop and talk, but I have a meeting and–”
"No problem!” Wanderer D said. "But wait... is that... is that a Daring-Do book?”
Rainbow Dash looked suddenly shy. "Um... this old thing? Uh...”
"Hey, no need to worry, I think she's pretty cool...” Wanderer D assured her. "I just... I've never read the book and I was wonder–"
"You've never read it?!” Rainbow Dash gasped, letting her inner geek out. "You have to! You absolutely have to! You're missing out! It's like the coolest thing ever!”
"Well, I don't have a library card and–” he suddenly had the book shoved into his hooves.
"Here, you can read it,” Rainbow Dash said. "I just finished and I know Twilight won't mind you borrowing it as long as you bring it to the library when you're done.”
"Okay!” Wanderer D held the book close as Rainbow Dash gave him a final nod and zoomed down to the library. He looked down at the book in his hooves. "Well... why not? I just need a place to read... and I'm getting kinda tired...”
He slowly made his way out of town and looked around. There wasn't much, other than the park, and he didn't have fond memories of that place.
It was then that he noticed the blue-painted stage wagon on the side of one of the roads. With a growing smile he slowly made his way towards it.
It was very quiet. For a moment, Wanderer D thought that nopony was inside, but soon, he heard hooves clopping from one side of the wagon to the other. Taking a quick look around, he made sure nopony else was around, and slowly peeked inside the wagon.
He could see Trixie setting up something on a small table. Several books were piled one over the other as she worked carefully on some sort of crystal. Trixie's concentration was completely on the object, which she levitated and turned around as magic sparks flew around it and embedded glyphs into it. She would stop for a moment, consult a book, then go back to work.
However, after a few minutes, her head slumped and she put down what seemed to be a prism of some sort. Her hooves went to her face and her body shook.
Wanderer D bit his lower lip. "What the hell?” he whispered. "Trixie's crying?” he shook his head as he lowered down from the window to think on what he had seen. "But why? Did the other ponies mistreat her?” he looked up at the sky. "Before meeting Luna I would have thought they would be automatically nice or polite to her but...”
Several thumps from inside the wagon made him look in again. Trixie had thrown down the books and looked decidedly miserable.
"Damn it, there's nothing more depressing than a little pony crying her eyes out... other than that little pony being Trixie...” he sighed. "What to do? Wait... ideeea~!”
o.0.o
Trixie sighed as she used her foreleg to clean the tears off her face. She looked down at her current project and then to all the books lying on the floor. With another sigh, her horn lit up and the books levitated up to the table, pages flipping quickly until she was back to the section she had originally been consulting.
She paused when she thought she had heard something on the roof of her wagon, but after a minute of silence, she shrugged it off as her imagination and started reading again.
Nighttime, sharpens... heightens each sensation...
Trixie looked up. "The hay?”
Darkness stirs, and wakes imagination... silently the senses... abandon their defenses... helpless to resist, the notes I write...
Was somepony serenading her? That was preposterous! But then what–
Softly, gently, night unfurls its splendor, Sense it, grasp it, tremulous and tender, Turn your face away, from the garish light of day Turn your thoughts away, fro –
"What the hay are you doing?!” Trixie growled as her magic yanked the offending pegasus from the top of her wagon. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has nothing for homeless pegasi! Go away now before Trixie reports you to the authorities!”
Wanderer D grinned. "Aw, Trixie! It's nice to see you again! I guess this is your new wagon?”
Trixie frowned. "Trixie would remember such a shady pegasus as you . Don't pretend to know Trixie to get away with whatever it is you were planning. Leave Trixie alone!” Her spell ended and Wanderer D was dropped unceremoniously on the floor.
"Hey now,” Wanderer D said, dusting himself off. "Is that the way to greet an old friend? I mean, after what happened in Everfree I thought we would at least be on good terms, you know?”
Trixie glared at him with so much hurt in her eyes that Wanderer D winced. "How dare you talk to Trixie about that! Trixie lost her very first friend there!”
Wanderer D blinked. She couldn't mean... no. Certainly not. Trixie being completely friendless was simply a fan assumption. Everypony had friends. Well, except Twilight, at the beginning. "I'm sorry, but... was I really your first friend?”
Trixie growled and Wanderer D found himself pressed painfully against the wagon. "Don't play games with Trixie! Trixie has had enough of this inane town! Six months too long to get out!”
"Wait, six months? What the... but I thought–”
"Did you? Of course not! Now, go away, pegasus! Trixie has things to do before she leaves this place forever!” she ordered, turning to walk into her wagon.
"But... Trixie, it's me, Wanderer D!”
Trixie stopped. "What did you say?”
"It's me! D! The storyteller! I was a human when we met, remember? I took on the Timber Wolves... and well, it's a long story, but I was resurrected into a pegasus!”
Never before had Wanderer D had a girl (nor mare, for that matter) run into his arms (or forelegs in this instance) and hold him tight after finding out that he was alive after his apparent sacrifice to save her life. And this time was no different.
Trixie's hoof knocked him down to the floor like a sack of flour and had him almost blacking out and looking at the pretty stars and butterflies.
"How dare you trick The Great and Powerful Trixie into thinking you were dead for SIX MONTHS!”
Wanderer D shook his head, trying to shake away the pesky butterflies. "I- I didn't know! I thought it had only been a couple of days! Promise! I had no control over it!”
Trixie had tears pooling in her eyes. "Stupid storyteller!” she shouted, rearing on her back legs. "Trixie should pummel you into a pulp for playing with her feelings!”
“I’m sorry Trixie! Really! I had no idea I had been gone for that long!”
“Why should Trixie believe you?” Trixie asked, glaring down at Wanderer D. “You are just making it up to hurt Trixie! And Trixie thought you were her friend!”
“I am!” Wanderer D said, jumping to his hooves. “I promise! I really didn’t know, I’m sorry, Trixie!”
Trixie sniffed but nodded, tensing a bit when Wanderer D hugged her, but in the end she hugged him back.
After a few moments they stepped away from each other and looked away.
“Y-yeah,” Wanderer D cleared his throat. “Why don’t you tell me what you were up to?”
Trixie nodded, a small blush in her cheeks slowly receding. “Um, Trixie was playing with a spell to be able to use story characters in her show... after Trixie is done, she will be able to summon an image of the character in question and project it into her own show as part of her stories.”
“Cool!” Wanderer D grinned. “You have no idea how amazing that is! Well,” he smiled when Trixie gave him a knowing glance. “I guess you do...” he chuckled, then his eyes lit up. “Heeey... I just got a copy of Daring-Do and the Catacombs of Oblivion. How about we try your magic thingy on it and watch it as if it were a movie?”
“Trixie doesn’t know what a movie is, but Trixie thinks that it would be a nice experiment.” Trixie said, giving the book a considering glance. “Very well, Trixie will bring the amulet out...”
Wanderer D eagerly set the book down and waited for Trixie to come back. The showmare showed up soon after. “Now, Trixie has not tested this yet, so Trixie advices that we should keep our distance in case... this implodes.”
A sphere of energy formed above the book as the words lifted off the pages and started whirling into it.
“Wow, this is awesome!” Wanderer D said, grinning as the sphere expanded. He flew up a few feet from it and peered in.
“Be careful!” Trixie called. “We don’t know how stable it is!”
“Oh, I don’t plan on getting any closer!” Wanderer D said, waving a hoof. “What sort of idiot do you think I am?”
Trixie thought about it.
“Oh, come on!” Wanderer D said, turning around and facing her. “You’re not seriously thinking about it, are you?”
It was then that a muffin bounced off of his head and landed with a soft ‘splat’ on the floor. Wanderer D blinked at it. “What the–”
“Muffin!” Derpy shouted, slamming Wanderer D out of the way as she knelt next to the fallen pastry.
“No! What have you done?!” Trixie shouted in horror as Wanderer D was hurled into the sphere, slamming into it at the same time the last words disappeared.
The world flashed and suddenly only the book remained.
Trixie galloped up to the book, tears starting to form in her eyes as she stared morosely at the only remaining item. She turned to glare at Derpy, who was happily munching on her muffin. “Why did you do that?! You killed Trixie’s friend!”
Derpy looked at Trixie and blinked. “But... muffin!”
Trixie briefly considered murder when something caught her attention. Looking down at the book she frowned. “Daring-Do and Wanderer D in the Catacombs of Oblivion? But...” her eyes brightened. “Trixie knows!” She quickly flipped open the book around the middle and began reading.
Daring-Do looked at her companion, her coat still wet from the mad dash to escape the cannibal dodos.
“Wanderer,” she panted. “I know you were trying to impress them, but you should know that they have a legend about a meat-eating pony who destroyed their ancient god in an epic battle several thousand years ago.”
Wanderer D winced as he used his teeth to carefully remove a small arrow from his flank. “You don’t say? I guess they forgot I was an earth pony when I did that...”
Daring-Do chuckled. “Oh, so you’ve heard about it?”
“Yes,” Wanderer D said, looking around. “But that doesn’t matter, I think we might have found our temple.”
Daring-Do followed his gaze to the strange structure, half-hidden by several creeping vines and plants. “That... looks like some sort of face... do you have any idea what it is?”
“That’s ‘Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme’,” Wanderer D said, walking up to it. “Down to the missing eye.”
Daring-Do blinked. “You mean Maha’heh’oha’hor’har’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme...”
“No, trust me, it’s Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme. I heard it enough times in the original dialect and from the thing itself.” Wanderer D replied, looking up at it. “We should head in, the quicker we do this, the faster I can go back home.”
Daring-Do smiled mischievously. “Missing that mare... Trixie, are we? Here you have an adventuring, wet-maned knock-out pegasus, and you’re still pining about that unicorn...”
“Wait, what?!” Trixie exclaimed, eyes wide.
Next to her, Derpy chewed on her muffin. “Turn the page!”
“Oh, give me a break, Daring,” Wanderer D growled. “Trixie and I are just friends, besides, I doubt she likes me that way, there’s little I can offer any mare other than grief and jokes that she won’t get.”
“I thought you said she was very smart?”
Wanderer D snorted. “She is, but it doesn’t matter how smart you are, if you don’t have the context to understand it, the joke is useless.”
“True,” Daring-Do said. “Hey, Carmine, can you bring–” the adventurer cut herself off, looking down and sighing. “I... forgot.”
Wanderer D put a comforting hoof on Daring-Do’s shoulder. “It’s okay Daring, none of us could have predicted what would happen to him.”
Daring-Do sniffed. “He was a good side-kick, a bit morose and going for self-pity but... he didn’t deserve to die the way he did!”
“Yes... I have seen many things, imagined many more and experienced really painful things in my life but what happened to Carmine...” Wanderer D shuddered. “I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy... that was... it was just... unnecessarily violent. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget the screams... I think I still have pieces of his mane and coat and brains on my mane. It was truly a gorefest of biblical proportions.”
Daring-Do nodded. “Well, Carmine would have wanted us to finish this...”
“Well, no,” Wanderer D pointed out. “He would have wanted us to kill him before we left, I think that was what he was screaming for us to do...”
Daring Do glared at her partner. “Oh, shut up! I wasn’t going to go and kill him! What if he could be saved?”
“Saved? From that? Daring, that guy is lucky his internal organs were not attached to him by the end of it. If he had survived that he would not have even been a pony anymore.”
Daring-Do shook her head. “Well, let’s get you to your Trixie, I’m sure she’ll want to cuddle you to death when you return.”
Wanderer D snorted. “Not likely, it’s been, what, 28 months since I arrived? Even if she forgave me for getting killed the first time, what makes you think she’ll do so again?”
Daring-Do shook her head, trotting up ahead, a small smile in her mouth. “Well, the way you talk about her and try to act like she doesn’t care, chances are she really does.”
Trixie found herself blushing. Gulping down, she started reading again flipping ahead a couple of chapters.
“What the hay is that thing!?” Daring-Do asked as her hooves sent another cultist flying.
“It’s the eye of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme! It survived!” Wanderer D said, jumping over the cultists that lay unconcious next to him. “How did it survive getting dunked in lava and exploding?!”
“Wanderer D...” a voice echoed in their minds. “It is you... I have waited for a long time for my revenge!”
“Dammit all,” Wanderer D growled. “You’re not only alive, you’re in the book!?”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme laughed in their heads. “I latched to your soul as it traveled through time and space,” he said, malevolent intent seeping out of every word. “When you so foolishly traveled here, I was able to materialize and recreate this world to an extent!”
“Oh great,” Wanderer D shook his head. Behind him, Daring-Do finished the last of the cultists and trotted up to him.
“How does the eye of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme know you?” She asked.
“I stabbed the other one then dumped his colossal ass into a lake of lava,” Wanderer D said.
“You dumped an ass into a lake of lava?!” Daring-Do shouted. “Why would you do that?!”
“His flank, Daring. His colossal flank.”
“Oh...”
“And now, I shall begin my revenge!” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme announced as a red-white tendril of energy slammed into Daring-Do and sent her crashing painfully into the floor.
She gasped in pain and rolled. “It burns!”
“As for you, Wanderer D, I will do much worse to you! Prepare to face the thing you despise the most!”
“No- not that!”
But it was too late. A tendril of energy smashed into Wanderer D and he felt his body transform. The pegasus shape enlongted as he assumed a humanoid shape. He landed on the floor, little pegasus wings fluttering uselessly on his back.
Wanderer D’s eyes were wide with rage. “ Y-you transformed me into a humanized pony! ” he shouted in horror and anger. “Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme this is too much, even for you!”
Daring-Do stared in awe at Wanderer D’s new look. “What happened to you!?”
Wanderer D’s tone was somber. “In all of fan fiction... out of the pits of crap that HiEs are... there is one thing, the worst thing that can possibly be done... it’s so degrading, so... pointless... that I cannot even stand the smell of it... it’s an act so mercilessly stupid that I hate it with all my heart... it involves doing something to ponies that has absolutely no purpose other than the ‘author’ to ‘identify’ with them more... humanized ponies.”
Daring-Do blinked. “But what does that even mean?”
“It means that there are morons out there that think that it’s ‘cute’ to strip everything that makes a pony be a pony, and give them a human form, only with... horns, or little pegasus wings sometimes. If you’re watching ponies, what the hell is the point of turning them into humans just so you can tell freaking ‘highschool’ stories?!” Wanderer D roared into the air. “There is no point to humanized ponies being such for no other reason that you wishfully think that they should be! Turning a pony into a human should be cause for horror, not amusement! If you want to watch cartoon girls watch another thing! There’s a reason Equestria Daily forbid Human, damn it, and those are part of it!”
Daring-Do and Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme both looked at Wanderer D in surprise.
“Wow, you really do feel strongly about this. That was borderline incoherent!” Daring-Do said.
“I do, and I will take revenge for this affront!” Wanderer D promised as he stood up and glared at Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme.
“We shall see, Wanderer D!” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme growled as rocks and the unconcious cultists melded horribly together into a form five times taller than Wanderer D; an abomination made of flesh and blood with Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme’s one eye surrounded by flesh where the head would be. It broke up a piece of the wall and swung it as a mace.
As it stood and moved forward towards the humanized pegasus and the real, clean and as-she-should-be pegasus, it revealed a swirling crystal behind it.
“Daring! Do you see that? That’s what I need to get!” Wanderer D whispered. “I’ll distract him while you get it, and then we can escape this temple!”
“But... Wanderer, how are you going to do that? You cannot possibly get used to that form quickly enough!” Daring-Do whispered back.
“Don’t worry,” Wanderer D flashed her a smile as he assumed a battle-stance. “I have a katana!”
Daring-Do shook her head, slightly amused. “Even so... and I hope Trixie forgives me but...” she planted a kiss on him that made his toes curl. “Be careful!”
“Yush... preh teh poney...” Wanderer D grinned.
“What?!” Trixie shouted glaring at the book. “You can’t do that! He’s mine! Trixie demands you take it back!” she read and re-read the words over and over. “How? Why did she develop feelings for him?! When?!”
Derpy shrugged. “Maybe at the beginning of the book and all through the first half, which you skipped?”
Trixie growled. “Oh, she is so getting it! I’m gonna kill her!”
“I can see that you know how to handle yourself in that form, Wanderer D!” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme grinned a smile full of sharp spikes and fangs with a disturbingly green tongue. “But it will do you no good! I have absorbed the knowledge of my Dodo cannibal cultists! I will crush you!”
Wanderer D smirked. “I’ll have you know that unlike the vast majority of HiEs that write themselves into Equestria, I do know how to handle a katana!”
When Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme seemed about to speak, Wanderer D spoke up once more. “Plus! I have watched Rouroni Kenshin from beginning to end more than 5 times! And read the manga! Prepare to fight against my reproduction of the Hiten Mitsurugi-ryū!”
Daring-Do cringed. “This is not going to end well...”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme took a step forward, making the catacombs shudder with the sheer weight of his movements.
With a cry of anger, Wanderer D shot forward, his katana sliding out of the sheath in an arc that cleanly sliced through the fleshy part of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme’s leg, up until it struck the part that was rock. The shock of it almost ripped the katana from Wanderer D’s hands, but thankfully, he wasn’t grabbing it like a bat, and so was able to keep it rather than losing his only weapon.
The backhand from Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme, however, was more than enough to make him lose his grip regardless of how well he was holding it.
“Wanderer D!” Daring-Do shouted as the humanized pegasus that used to be an earth pony after being turned into that from his original human shape sailed past her to slam against a wall.
“Daring!” Wanderer D shouted, raising his hand to stop her from getting back to him. “You know what you need to do! Don’t worry about me right now!”
Gritting her teeth, the monochromatic-maned mare nodded and shot around Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme, who tried swatting at her. The pegasus was too effective a flyer to get hit and managed to evade it.
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme turned around, trying to catch Daring-Do and took a threatening step towards her, only for a sword to slide through its neck and bring it to a halt. With an annoyed roar it threw itself back, slamming Wanderer D against the wall of the catacombs, making pieces of stone fall from the ceiling.
“What does it take to kill you?!” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme roared.
“A big rock or a long fall, I’ve found!” Wanderer D growled back, teeth clenched as blood streamed from the corner of his mouth. “But that won’t stop me unless you are dead as well!”
“Stop talking about dying!” Daring-Do shouted. “I have it! Let’s go!”
“No!” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme shouted as Wanderer D let go of the sword and ran up to Daring-Do.
“Quickly!” Wanderer D shouted as he stopped next to her. “Hold on to me!” as soon as she was holding on to his leg, Wanderer D raised the crystal into the air, holding it with his two hands as he stared defiantly at Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme. “I hope never to see you again, you ugly mother-fu–”
He was interrupted when his katana embedded up to the hilt in his neck, he looked up to see the grinning face of his enemy. “Oh, for buck’s sake...” he managed to garble as his hands went down and the crystal crashed all over him and Daring-Do.
Trixie stepped back as the book exploded in flames and two figures appeared out of it. One was the mare from the cover of the book, the other was the storyteller that had saved her life once.
And he had a katana. Stuck in his throat.
“Wanderer D!” Daring-Do cried as she held his head in her hooves.
“D!” Trixie cried, kneeling next to him.
Wanderer D looked at both of them and knew what he had to say. To hell with the consequences. “M-must’ve died and gone to heaven... to have two beautiful angels look... after... me...”
o.0.o
He could see Luna’s gigantic hoof massaging her forehead. She did that a lot recently.
“Wanderer D... once again, you have failed to achieve your objective and managed to mess up the world by bringing to life yet another creature.”
“Hey, Luna, come on! She was about to die there! And if Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme hadn’t tried to kill us she would have stayed behind... but he followed me there and, well, I couldn’t...”
“Especially after the kiss,” Luna growled venomously. “Right?”
“Right,” Wanderer D said. “But, honestly, how else did you expect me to deal with Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme? Magic?”
Luna’s eyebrow rose. “Do you think you could handle it?”
Wanderer D’s eyes shone. “M-me? A unicorn? Really?”
Luna huffed. “Why not? You’ve messed up as an earth pony and pegasus, I wonder what kind of stupidity you will commit as a unicorn.”
Wanderer D grinned. “Can I please choose my palette?
o.0.o End Chapter o.0.o
Next in WD: THiEE
Hey, so, what was the last world that you visited? *whisper* Oh... Oooh.... sorry.
Look, I’ll help you with the shard, but you have got to keep Rarity away from me, okay?
What have you done with my sister, miscreant?!
Trixie! Daring! Sweetie! To me!
WD: The HiE Experiment
Chapter 4: Unicorn
By Wanderer D
“Wanderer D,” the human called. No. It wasn’t a human... it had... wings! Little purple-blue wings, and flowing hair full of stars, just like Luna’s! And it- he had a little horn sprouting from the middle of his forehead. “Wanderer D~” the humanized-alicorn sang. “You have to read my latest Harpflank and Sweets!”
“A- Arcainum?!” Wanderer D stammered, taking a step back and pointing a finger at the author. “But what... wait–” He glanced down. He looked human again... except, he looked over his shoulders, shaking a pair of little black wings. “No...” His hand went up to his forehead where he found a horn. “NO! It’s not true! It- it can’t be!”
“We’re all alicorns! Al-al-alicoooorns!” Arcainum sang as he skipped around Wanderer D, who was frozen in place his mind blanked due to shock.
“Not all of us!” huffed a tall, brownish-white stallion with a very very dark brown curly tangled mane. His eyes sunken in and his face stained with ink. “I’m my own ponysona! Isn’t it perfect?! Dum dum! Dee dum!” Meldazzar sing-sang as he started skipping around Wanderer D as well.
“And Trevel is Moonstone!” another unicorn, white-coated and wearing a cape announced, joining the circle of skipping ponies and humanized ponies, of which there were more, including the mane 6, with three versions of Twilight Sparkle.
“Pinkie Pie, I love Pinkie Pie!” Carmine’s head floated around Wanderer D, taunting him.
A pony in brown coat back-flipped out of the air and landed in the circle, joining the others while pointing at random things with his hooves, “That comma doesn’t go there!” Vimbert remarked. And he was right.
The circle grew bigger and bigger as the ponies and humanized ponies and alicorns and even parasprites started singing louder and louder.
“We are your circle, your circle, your circle! We are your circle-jerk buddies! Only you know what this is about, only you can understand! And yet you submit this crap and expect the world to like! So many references, so many shout-outs, so many badly-worded puns! This is so meta, dear D, you’d better just give up!”
“No–” Wanderer D choked. “No! I refuse to sink further into this! I will not do circle-jerking for any of my works! Leave me alone!”
A little robot bird swooped in and began pecking him in the head.
All of those around him started floating up and down, still spiraling in and out, each bumping Wanderer D’s head with a hoof or hand (or, in the case of Carmine, a bloody stump). “Circle-jerk! Circle-jerk! You can’t escape the Circle-jerk!”
“Leave me alone! I don’t do that stuff!”
“Circle-jerk! Circle-jerk! What do you call it then, writing us in here?!”
o.0.o
“Aaaaaah!” Wanderer D shouted, falling off his bed and slamming his jaw hard on the stone floor of Canterlot Castle. A hoof touched his forehead and he scrambled back, pulling the covers with him and making the pillows land on top of his head. “No! Step away from me! Don’t touch me! I don’t want to be a humanized pony! I’d rather be a mute diamond dog!”
“How is he doing?” Celestia asked.
“As expected,” Luna replied, her horn shining as the thrashing Wanderer D was levitated off the floor and deposited in the bed. He struggled against the magic until a second flash knocked him out. “He should be ready soon...”
Celestia nodded, casting a pitying look at Wanderer D. “Luna, you did warn him about this, right?”
Luna nodded. “Of course! I told him that his mind and body might not be ready for the magic and that he might have some... aftereffects from being able to suddenly sense it in its purest form.”
Celestia arched an eyebrow. “And?”
“And he just said: ‘Give it to me, baby,’” Luna sighed. She looked at the bed. “Idiot.”
o.0.o
The mare looked like Pinkie Pie... only her coat was gray and her hair black. A broken vase was her cutie mark. She sat, leaning back on a couch, looking with what could be considered mild amusement at Wanderer D. “Zo, tell me, messter D, vat waz yourr childhood like? Were you vullied for being ze ‘brony’?”
“No!” Wanderer D snapped, pacing inside his cage as he juggled a plushie of Trixie, a plushie of Daring Do and a plushie of Luna. “I was never bullied for being a brony!”
“Iz it not why you are herre then?” She seemed perplexed, scribbling down notes on her little pink notepad.
“As if, I was dragged here because Luna, here” the little plush Luna squeaked when he showed it to the psychologist. “Poisoned me! I was not one of those miserable and pathetic ‘I was bullied and escaped to Equestria' HiEs.”
The psychologist shook her head. “You zhould not deny ze own experiences! After all, haw many of ze HiE fixz are ze result of a human being bullied into committing ze zuicide?”
“Oh, please don’t get me started with those!” Wanderer D sighed as Trixie massaged his back and Daring Do worked on his hooves with a file, except the one, of course, he was using to hold his Luna-plushie close.
“I vant to ‘ear all about itz,” the psychologist retorted. “Zere is much to ah... comprehend...”
Wanderer D muttered to himself for a moment before glaring at her. “You’re trying to make me monologue? What am I, a comic-book villain? Or Captain America talking about morals for that matter?”
The pony raised an eyebrow. “Who?”
Wanderer D sighed. “Fine. No, I really wasn’t bullied. I didn’t write myself at all into any of my stories because as much as I would love to be in Equestria, I like telling stories about others more than about myself, alright? My life is not so boring that I cannot do anything other than pony!”
“Really?” She shook her head.
“Sh- shut up! At least I don’t go emo and pretend life is too harsh in the real world and then try to get others to feel bad for me by writing myself as a freaking victim! There’s only one thing more pathetic than that and it is pretending to suicide to get attention!”
“You seem to have a... ah, shall we zay, personal peeve about it?”
Wanderer D sighed. “Look, the thing is, kids that commit suicide have real problems. Maybe the reason they are doing it is stupid for others, but the fact is, if they are willing to throw their lives away... there’s more to it than meets the eye. And here we have a bunch of idiots who want to project their little problems of being ‘misunderstood’ by people that honestly don’t care, into a character that has no background, no reason and no purpose other than being a victim who will suddenly find happiness in a magic land of unicorns, pegasi and talking ponies. It's Harry Potter all over again. And talk about projecting yourself.”
“But zurely, if zey are projecting themzelvez as you zay, zey too must be zuffering from zey’r problemz?”
“Your accent is getting either more heavy or worse or both as we speak, you know that?” Wanderer D asked, reclining on his throne while Trixie and Daring Do fanned him with huge leaves. Plush-Luna fed him grapes from the vine. “Yes, I don’t doubt that some of them might actually get bothered by non-bronies, but trying to get a pity-party out of others is not a way to deal with it.”
The world started shaking and the pony put down her pen down. “It seems we have run out of time.”
“Hey, you spoke normally!”
“Of course, I have been speaking normally all along, it was you who was hearing it wrong.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“What doesn’t make sense is why you started telling me about bronies wanting a pity-party when I was talking about sandwiches!”
“That’s–” Wanderer D cut himself short and blinked. “Wait, what?”
“Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it,” the pony replied.
“Hold on, that’s Bill Bailey!”
“Sugar! Oh, honey honey!”
“Those–” Wanderer D shouted, sitting up in his bed and looking around. “... are the lyrics to... candy... girl?”
Luna lowered a trashy novel from where she was sitting and locked eyes with Wanderer D. She then meeped and hid it behind her. “W-Wanderer! Ah- I see y-you’re awake! And not violent! This is good!”
Wanderer D groaned and rubbed his eyes carefully with his hooves. “How long was I out?”
Luna arched an eyebrow. “Two days, which is a surprisingly short amount of time for suddenly finding yourself in touch with the ‘soul’ of the universe.”
“Meh,” Wanderer D shrugged. “I read a lot of fantasy.”
“Do you, now?” Luna shook her head in amusement. “Well, regardless, you are now a unicorn and able to harness the forces of the universe in what we call magic. Now, most unicorns go through years of training to–”
“Be able to cast spells, yadda-yadda,” Wanderer D interrupted, waving a hoof. “I have no need for a lecture! I know the secret of unicorn magic, I read ‘Through the Eyes of Another Pony’! I just have to wish, real hard for what I want to happen, happen.”
Luna seemed amused. “So, you believe that all those years of study unicorns go through are completely useless and a waste of time? That magical theory, casting circles and the theory of magical matter are nothing but ways to keep them entertained as they grow up?”
“Yes, that is exactly what I am saying,” Wanderer D nodded. “Now, watch and be amazed as I summon that apple over there to me.”
Luna glanced at the apple, looked back at Wanderer D and took two steps back, casting a shield spell. “Go right ahead. I have the utmost confidence that you will achieve some sort of result.”
Wanderer D turned to look at the apple and concentrated. He could feel it, burning and cursing through him. Magic. He almost giggled. Magic! He felt the focus naturally trail to his forehead and was suddenly very aware of his horn as the magic shot out of it and wrapped around the apple.
“Wanderer D, I don’t think you should–”
“Never mind! I got it!” Wanderer D half-shouted. “I’ve got i–”
BLAM!
The windows imploded, showering the room in tiny crystal fragments. Luna’s shield sparkled as each small fragment collided with it and was disintegrated. When everything calmed down, she sighed, shaking her head at the empty bed.
“Wanderer D... you’re an idiot.”
o.0.o
The katana stood straight out of the ground, immutable. The only marker indicating that somepony was buried there.
Twilight Sparkle sighed. “Trixie, Daring... we should leave. I know you two insist on visiting his grave, but you have to move on. I know it’s been only a couple of days but–”
“Trixie knows,” Trixie sighed. “Trixie and Daring Do have reached an agreement and will travel together for a while.”
Twilight nodded. “So, you two have a plan?”
Daring Do shifted nervously in place. “Well, I want to explore this world... I know it’s very similar to mine but the treasures are different... and I love looking for secret places.”
Trixie nodded. “We did not wish to leave until we could give Wanderer D a proper funeral,” she said. “He died valiantly... again.”
“I’m sure that wherever he is he apprecia–” Twilight was interrupted by a magical swirl of energy materializing above them. With an explosion that sent them reeling, a figure landed next to the tomb.
A dark-blue unicorn stood up, his silvery-black mane falling back as he stood and shook his head. He blinked at the katana. “Hey, my sword!”
Grabbing it with his mouth, he yanked it out of the ground and raised an eyebrow when it came out slightly bloodied. “What the–”
“How dare you!” Daring Do shouted, tackling the unicorn as both Twilight and Trixie approached angrily. “How dare you take that sword! And wrench it out of Wanderer D’s neck?!”
“Wait!” Wanderer D shouted, spitting out the katana. “What do you mean my neck?! Didn’t you take it out of my body?”
The three mares glanced at each other.
“Wait, are you saying you’re Wanderer D?” Twilight asked. “But, that’s impossible! Wanderer D was a pegasus and then... a creature... that died with his own katana embedded in his throat! How do you expect to prove to us that you are him?”
Trixie and Daring Do nodded, looking curiously at him.
“Well, I’m sure I can find some crazy way of proving it that involves creatures that shouldn’t exist, time-travel or something ridiculous like that,” Wanderer D said. “But don’t worry! I have a katana!”
“What does that even–” Twilight started to ask, but was interrupted by both Trixie and Daring Do galloping past her and hugging Wanderer D.
“Trixie knew you would never leave her behind!” Trixie said, squishing the air out of him.
“And I knew I could count on you being idiotic and unpredictable!” Daring Do added, holding his neck tight and making his eyes bulge as he struggled for breath.
“So don’t do that again, you moron!” Both echoed each other as they glared at him.
“Or we will hug you to death!” Daring growled.
“Aaaairrrr! ” Wanderer D wheezed.
Both mares dropped him on the floor, where he took deep gulps of air until he had his breath back to normal.
Twilight took two steps back. “Well... that was interesting! I guess you’re... you! And... Trixie and Daring seem to have all in order... I should... leave.”
With a sudden purple flash she was gone.
“Huh, she leaves when things start getting interesting,” Wanderer D muttered. He looked at Trixie, whose horn was slightly aglow with magic as she glared at Daring Do, whose wings were fully extended and was glaring back. “So, girls, mares, fillies? Uh... Trixie and Daring, what do you think of the new me?”
He turned around, letting them appreciate his navy-blue coat and silver mane and his impressive horn (which he had insisted should not be a cute little filly thing.)
They didn’t look at him although a small blush appeared on their faces. Wanderer D blinked. Had he done something embarrassing?
“It’s...” Daring Do hesitated.
“Trixie finds it...”
“Good,” they both finished together.
“Oh...” Wanderer D sighed. “Well, I guess next time I can go red and black. It’s terribly popular for beginners and unoriginal authors you know? Probably with dragon eyes! They make you extra special!”
The two mares turned to stare at him. “Why the hay would you do that?!” Daring Do asked.
“Trixie demands to know who gave you a ‘potion of stupid’ so she can burn them into hell!”
“Calm down, girls, I was joking,” Wanderer D assured them. “I have no intention of falling that far.”
Both mares sighed in relief.
“Now, I have to continue my mission... and make friends,” Wanderer D stated. “Come on, girls, get close, I’ll teleport us to our destination!”
Trixie and Daring Do exchanged a glance but were soon standing with Wanderer D as he closed his eyes and gathered energy in his horn.
“Trixie is impressed, Wanderer,” Trixie said after a moment. “Teleporting requires a clear image of where you want to be, account for the distance and geography, the endemic resistance of the magical fields of the universe and consideration of the magical currents of energy that travel the leylines! And you have learned to do it in two days!”
Wanderer D’s eyes snapped open as the magic flared around them. “Wait... what? I thought I just had to wish really hard for the magic to work!?”
The mares’ screams were cut short the moment they began.
o.0.o
“Where the hay are we?!” Daring Do shouted, flapping her wings to control the spiraling of the trio.
“Trixie... Trixie thinks we’re in the in-between universes!” Trixie shouted back.
“Wow, look at all those colorful currents of energy!” Wanderer D said in awe as he floated along the others, kept in place and from spinning into a black-hole or nova by Daring’s wings.
“Idiot!” Trixie shouted. “How are we going to get back home now?!”
“Trixie! Calm down!” Daring shouted. “Think! There must be something we can do!”
“Hey, what are these silver strands we have attached to our bellies?” Wanderer D asked, hooking up a strand with his hoof.
Trixie’s eyes widened. “This could be our chance! Trixie thinks that Wanderer D didn’t throw our bodies into the multiverse! Just our souls, which are still connected to our bodies in Equestria! We can use them to get back!”
“Yes! Let’s do it!” Wanderer D cheered. A resounding sound, not unlike a gong, was suddenly heard all around them.
“What the hay was that?” Daring Do asked after a moment of silence.
“Trixie has no idea!” Trixie shouted. “But we should not stay any longer! Imagine you are being pulled back into your own body!” she instructed. “And concentrate!”
The three concentrated on going back and soon the silver strands pulled them down.
“It’s working!” Wanderer D shouted. “We’ve done it!”
“Don’t jinx us!” Daring Do shouted back, half-joking.
It was then that a purple, white and pink comet slammed into their strands and got stuck in them, pulling them further into the multiverse as it struggled to continue on its trajectory.
“That doesn’t look good!” Wanderer D shouted as the worlds shifted around them.
“We have to concentrate!” Trixie sounded panicked now. “We have to go back! Come on! It’s pulling us away from our bodies!”
Daring and Wanderer looked at each other in horror, then closed their eyes as they both hugged Trixie. The trio started to concentrate and the felt the comet slow down. They felt like they were swinging wildly and being pulled down into their bodies at the same time.
“We're being pulled apart!” Daring Do shouted.
“Keep concentrating!” Trixie ordered. “Even if we separate, keep concentrating on getting back to your body!” She felt her hooves slip a bit and opened her eyes. “Trixie will be waiting for you...” she said, staring straight into Wanderer D's eyes, which had opened when her hoof slipped out of his hold.
“Trixie!” Wanderer D shouted in horror as she was torn away.
“Make it back to your body so I can kill you for this!” Trixie shouted as she was catapulted away from them by the tension in her silver strand.
“What do we do now?” Daring Do asked, hugging Wanderer D closer. When she noticed his expression, she chuckled. “I... I don't want to slip and get lost, okay?”
“Sure,” Wanderer D chuckled. “Anyway, I think we should just concentrate like Trixie said.”
“But we still have that comet pulling us!” Daring Do pointed out.
“Only one way to fix this, then! Hold on!” Wanderer D said as he started looping the silver strand around his hoof and pulling them both down towards the comet.
“What are you planning to do?”
“I'll disentangle it!” Wanderer D grinned. “Isn't that awesome? If I knew how to write songs I would totally write all of this as a song!”
Daring Do rolled her eyes. “So we're doing what you did with the boats in Maredagascar?”
Wanderer D nodded. “Only without the violence!”
“Here, I'll help,” Daring Do said, grabbing him with her hooves and flying them both down towards the comet.
“That works!”
“Of course it does! Don't you remember the Temple of Cracked Muffins?”
It was Wanderer D's turn to roll his eyes. “Don't remind me! At least this time you're holding me tight!”
Daring's reply was a slight darkening of her cheeks. “Don't get used to it!”
“Celestia forbid!”
Finally they were close enough to the comet that they were able to grab onto the silver strands around it.
“Hey...” Daring's eyes went wide. “This isn’t a comet! It's a filly!”
“Oh, horseapples!” Wanderer D shouted. “Get her out! Get her out of the strands!”
Daring Do started doing her best to do just that. “What's wrong? Shouldn't we save her?”
“She's fine! It's not her I'm worried about!”
“What are you worrying about then!?” Daring Do asked.
“HIM!” Wanderer D shouted, grabbing his own silver strand with his teeth and pulling.
“Who?!”
Wanderer D didn't look away from the loops, he just pointed out at a seemingly random direction.
Daring Do followed his hoof and stared at a huge shadow that seemed to unfold towards them. Fiery purple-red eyes glowed with malice and rows and rows of fangs glinted as they reflected the lost light of stars.
“The hay is that thing?!” Daring Do shouted in panic.
“Not what! Who!”
“Who is that thing!”
Wanderer D was about to reply when the filly opened her eyes and stared right at him. “Uh... never mind! It's a spoiler and spoilers are NOT good!”
“What?! The hay, Wanderer! This is not time for jokes! It's almost on us!”
“Help me get Sweetie loose!” Wanderer D shouted. “He'll leave us alone!”
“We can't leave the filly with it!” Daring Do smacked Wanderer D on the back of the head.
“That really hurts! You've got hooves, you know! They're hard!”
“Stop talking and untangle her!”
“No! We need to talk!”
“This is not the time!”
“It is most definitely the time! The more we talk the less likely it is to reach us!”
“That does not make sense!”
“We're in comic-book time! We can talk as much as we want before the piano falls on our heads!”
“What?! What piano!? That thing is not a piano!”
Sweetie ignored the pair and looked down at the strands. “Okay you two, shut up and hold on.”
Her horn flashed with a mixture of pink, white and purple-red energy and suddenly they were yanked away.
“No! Sweetie, you have to get loose!”
“I'll be fine!” Sweetie retorted.
“Oh... horseapples,” Wanderer D sighed.
Suddenly everything went completely silent. The three ponies looked at the shadow creature and realized that the multiverse had quieted down because it was roaring in anger. When its jaws closed and its malignant eyes flashed, Daring Do dared to speak.
“That thing is really, really scary.”
It was then that everything flashed around them once more.
The creature growled a sound that erased light and hope for miles around, then, reaching up with a shadowy claw, it threw something into the multiverse, following the trail of his objective.
o.0.o
Wanderer D's eyes snapped open and he shot up to his hooves. He looked around in a panic and noticed all three of his companions were fine. That was good. They had to go find Sweetie Bell!
Wait.
Three?
“Oh... no, you've got to be kidding me...”
“T-Trixie demands to know where that moron, Wanderer D is...” Trixie groaned, slowly standing up.
Daring Do jumped to her hooves, looking around just as wildly as Wanderer had done earlier. “Where is that thing?! Is it gone!?”
“Ugh...” Lati groaned, pushing herself up and slowly levitating a couple of feet off the ground. “Did anyone catch the name of that Rhyhorn that tackled me? I'm going to look him up and teleport his ass into a live volcano...” She opened her eyes and stared at the three ponies. “Oh, Lugia... I've finally lost it, haven't I?”
Trixie and Daring Do took careful steps away from the purple and white creature as it levitated and looked curiously at them.
Wanderer D sighed. And proceeded to find a tree to bang his head against. It cracked after the first hit, so he decided he needed more.
“Wanderer!” Trixie shouted after the third (or was it seventh? He lost count after the second one) bump. “Stop doing that and help us deal with this... thing!”
“Hey!” Lati growled as Trixie pointed at her with her hoof. “This thing has a name!”
Wanderer D stumbled away from the tree and approached the purple latias. “Uh... did you learn double-time? Why are there two of you?” he asked to the left of Lati.
Trixie rolled her eyes and her horn lit up for a brief second, a similar light shining around Wanderer D's head. He blinked and looked at the real Lati. “Oh, there you are! Um, listen, Lati, you might find this hard to believe but–”
“Why am I not surprised you know her name?” Daring Do sighed, approaching the pair, followed by a slightly amused Trixie.
Lati blinked at the strange ponyta creature. “Wait, how do you know my name?”
“It's a long story and–” he stopped when her eyes started glowing. “No! No mind-reading! Bad latias! Bad!”
Lati's eyes lost their glow. “Fine,” she sighed.
“Anyway, I think we should be able to help you get back home,” Wanderer D continued. “But let me assure you, you haven't lost it. You're not crazy. Well... not yet anyway.”
Lati growled and glared at Wanderer D. “What do you mean, 'not yet' ?”
“It's complicated!” Wanderer D said, shifting from hoof to hoof. “Look, you're in another world, there are no Pokemon here, nor are there any humans...”
“Other than you,” Trixie muttered.
“Other than me,” Wanderer D acknowledged.
“You don't look like a human.” Lati's statement was followed by her hovering around him. “Nope, you pretty much look like a ponyta to me.”
Wanderer D rolled his eyes. “I was human once, okay? Then I wasn't, you know the feeling.”
Lati hovered in place for a moment then nodded slowly.
“Do you feel lost in this conversation?” Daring Do asked Trixie. “I feel lost. I feel like I got lost in between worlds again. Is that normal?”
Trixie sighed. “Trixie thinks that the longer we hang around Wanderer D, the less the world will make sense.”
“Anyway, if I am correct, you are not the only one lost here,” Wanderer D said, ignoring the two mares.
Lati blinked. “Wait, you mean there's another Pokemon in this world?”
“No,” Wanderer D said. “There's a little filly that needs to be able to get back to her journey for the good of the multiverse.”
Trixie, Daring Do and Lati exchanged confused glances. “Wait, what?” Trixie asked.
“You don't mean...” Daring Do's eyes widened.
“I mean exactly her,” Wanderer D sighed. “We need to get Sweetie Bell... preferably without Rarity finding out her sister has been replaced by her interdimensional counterpart who might or might not–”
“Who might or might not... what?” Lati asked.
Wanderer D shook his head. “I'll tell you on the way.”
“Where are we going?” Trixie asked.
“Ponyville.”
o.0.o
“Sweetie Belle, I must insist you don't do this,” Rarity said nervously watching over her sister as she somehow levitated a few plates and some glasses.
“If my theory proves correct, we should have a few guests arriving soon,” Sweetie Belle said, taking a quick glance at the waffle mix, then another at the pancake mix. “And I'm starving! What we need are some prince and princess-approved waffles and pancakes!”
Rarity bit her lower lip as the stove was turned on and the fire lowered to a perfect heat for the frying pan and her waffle grill was brought out and buttered up, ready for the mix. “Where... how did you learn to do this!?”
Sweetie paused for a moment. “Well, it was a couple of places, really, but I started levitating things when Twilight took me as an apprentice and–”
“Halt!” Wanderer D ordered, barging into the Carousel Boutique. “Don't tell her, Sweetie!”
“Excuse me!” Rarity was in his face a second later. “Who are you and how dare you enter my shop like that?”
Wanderer D stared at Rarity in silence, making the mare slightly nervous.
“Well?” she demanded.
Wanderer D stared at her.
“Wanderer!” Daring Do growled, smacking him on the back of the head. “Stop being rude!”
Wanderer D groaned and shook his head. He looked up at Rarity and gulped. “Uh-um... I- I'm sorry... uh, Rarity... I... uh... pretty...”
Another smack, this time from Trixie. “Trixie demands you snap out of it and look at her like you look at Ra–” She stopped when everypony looked at her with raised eyebrows. “T- Trixie means, snap out of it!”
“Right, right!” Wanderer D growled, glaring at Trixie before turning to face Rarity, who seemed really confused. “R-Rarity I-uh... best pony...”
SMACK!
“Ouch!” Wanderer D growled, glaring at Lati, who smirked back.
“I can do it again, if you want,” Lati cheerfully said. “In fact, here.”
SLAP!
“Hey!”
SLAP!
“Stop–”
SLAP!
“Would you–”
SLAP!
“I said–”
“Okay, enough!” Sweetie shouted. “Now, all of you, sit down and eat! We can talk this over breakfast.”
Rarity blinked and looked back at her table, which had a pile of pancakes, a pile of waffles, orange juice, jam, butter, honey and a selection of breads all arranged on it. It even had a vase with a little flower sticking out of it.
She passed out.
o.0.o
The group sat at the table. Sweetie Belle had levitated her sister into her room and laid her down on the bed. Now, they all stared at each other in silence as each plate was served and passed around.
“Okay,” Lati said as she picked up a knife and used it to spread some butter on her pancakes. “I want to know exactly what's happening and where I am and how I got here.”
Sweetie Belle nodded, levitating some honey and letting it drizzle on top of her waffles. “This is also the first time I have seen anypony in-between worlds... or even been aware of what was happening before I arrived.”
“And I want to know how you know so much about them and about ponies you've never met before!” Daring Do said, taking a moment to sip her orange juice.
“Trixie wants some jam,” Trixie said. “Please pass the jam.”
The jam exploded.
The four females looked at Wanderer D, whose face was covered in jam, as he glared up at his horn. He sighed. “Oops?”
“Really,” Sweetie Belle's horn flashed and Wanderer D's face and mane were suddenly clean. “You're such a child.”
Trixie and Daring Do snorted.
“From the filly's mouth,” Daring Do grinned.
“Trixie couldn't have put it better herself!” Trixie giggled.
Wanderer D snorted. “Well, she had to learn something from you, Trixie, did you know you taught her some of what she knows?”
Trixie's eyes spaced out and she looked blankly at Sweetie Belle, who grinned and shrugged. Trixie slowly turned her head to look back at Wanderer D.
“What can I say?” Wanderer D shrugged. “It happened.”
“But that doesn't explain–” Daring Do began to say when the door to the Carousel Boutique opened and Twilight entered the shop, followed by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, all of whom stopped short at the sight of a strange unicorn with a katana strapped to his back, Trixie, a bird-dragon-like creature and Daring Do having breakfast with Sweetie Belle.
“I-is that...” Rainbow Dash stammered, eyes wide. “D-D-D-Da-Daring...”
Twilight's hoof went up to her face as Fluttershy blinked in complete bewilderment next to her. “Wanderer D,” Twilight growled. “You are not making my life any easier.”
“Rarity's upstairs, unconscious,” Wanderer D supplied, chewing on a piece of pancake. “Hey, this stuff is good!” he said, turning to Sweetie Belle, who smiled.
“Princess Celestia's favorite pancakes!” She beamed proudly.
Twilight really, really, really wanted to ask some questions. Some really, really, really specific questions, but remembering Princess Luna and Princess Celestia's orders she gritted her teeth. “Come on, girls, let's go get Rarity.”
“But... but... it's D-Daring Do!” Rainbow Dash shrieked. “It's freaking Daring Do! We can’t just go! ”
Twilight sighed. “Princess Celestia's pretty much ordered me to avoid anything that had to do with Wanderer D until their experiment is done... and this reeks of Wanderer D's influence.”
“Geez, Twilight,” Daring Do rolled her eyes. “Nice to see you again!”
Rainbow Dash turned to look at Twilight. “You knew!? But! Twilight! It's Daring Do! How could you not tell me?!”
“I was going to!” Twilight groaned. “Why do you think I called you for another meeting?!”
“Oh...” Rainbow Dash sighed.
“Daring, why don't you give your fan an autograph? I'm sure you can talk to her later,” Wanderer D said.
Rainbow Dash's eyes lit up as her hero wrote her a short autograph. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! This is so awesome!”
“Wanderer... should I be worried that Sweetie has joined your little group?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, actually,” Wanderer D nodded. “For you see, this is not the Sweetie Belle you know, she’s actually an interdimensional Sweetie Belle that, guess what? Was your student in another world! And she’s been learning new stuff from different versions of you in different worlds! Isn’t that really interesting? Also... isn’t it too bad you cannot ask questions or interfere with my stuff?” Wanderer D grinned.
Twilight’s eyebrow twitched.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, making sure her friend was between herself and the strange unicorn. “Didn’t you say that Wanderer D was a pegasus?”
Twilight groaned. “He was... but now he isn’t and–” she shook her head. “You know what? Never mind! Let’s get Rarity and get out of here!”
“...yeah and then Wanderer pushed the boulder into the hole and sealed them all inside!” Daring sighed. “We couldn’t save Carmine, but his death was avenged.”
“Wow! That’s so awesome! I never read about this Wanderer D guy in the other books but he’s pretty crazy!”
Daring Do smiled a small, shy smile. “Yes, he is...”
Rainbow’s eyebrows shot up and she was about to ask something when Twilight’s magic pulled her by the tail.
“Come on, Rainbow, you can talk to Daring Do later!” Twilight growled.
Once the three mares went up the stairs, the group resumed eating.
“First of all, before I say anything I want to know something...” Wanderer D said, looking at Sweetie. “What was the last world you visited like? Don’t go into details, just the specifics.”
Sweetie Belle told him.
“Oh,” Wanderer D chuckled nervously. “Sorry,”
Sweetie sighed. “It’s not your fault,”
“Yeah,” Wanderer D looked around the table. “Okay... um, I think, what happened was that when Sweetie got stuck in our silver threads, she catapulted Trixie into the distance at the same time that Lati was attempting to teleport in her own world. Trixie’s silver thread snagged Lati on the way and caused her teleport to land her in this world. In the meantime, Sweetie’s spell dragged the three of us here, where she replaced the local Sweetie temporarily.”
The others nodded and kept on eating.
“What?!” Twilight screeched from the stairs as she levitated the unconscious Rarity, the scared Fluttershy and the fan-struck Rainbow Dash behind her. “What kind of explanation is that?! And why do you all just take it at face value?! Why isn’t anypony reacting?!”
“When you travel with him for two and a half years, you get used to that stuff,” Daring-Do said.
Trixie nodded. “Trixie took the time to read the Daring-Do novel and learned how crazy Wanderer D is.”
Lati shrugged. “I’ve heard worse.”
Twilight looked at Sweetie Belle and raised an eyebrow.
“Ever had to pilot a giant robot and dodge missiles while singing a song in a language you have no business knowing?”
Twilight blinked. “What’s a robot?”
Sweetie smiled. “I thought so.”
Twilight blinked. She then carefully walked out of the house, levitating her friends.
“I think we broke her,” Wanderer D said. “I don’t think Twilight was ready for all of that...”
“Aw, don’t be silly! Twily will be fine! She’s crazy that way!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Yes...” Trixie said and blinked.
There was a considerable amount of scratching sounds as everyone pulled their chairs away as quickly as they could and stared at the pink pony.
“Don’t do that!” Wanderer D, Daring Do, Trixie, Lati and Sweetie Belle all chorused at Pinkie Pie, who munched down on one of the pancakes.
“Hey! These are good!” Pinkie giggled. “Can I have another one?”
o.0.o
The group finally left Carousel Boutique and were gawked at by the locals.
“Any idea how to get us home?” Lati asked at length. “I’m loving the ponies, but I have an evil organization to topple and I have to protect the world from my own friend’s weird human/pokemon marriage cult.”
Wanderer D grinned. “Gotta love Sage...”
Lati frowned. “Who?”
“Dude,” Wanderer D corrected.
“Oooh,” Lati nodded. “Yeah.”
“Wait, what dude?” Trixie asked.
“Dude!” Wanderer D and Lati replied.
“Yes, but what dude?” Daring Do asked.
Wanderer D sighed. “Sage is the name of the dude that’s Lati’s friend but she’s never bothered to ask the name of.”
A chorus of ‘Oooh’ rose around him.
“So, Wanderer, since you seem to know your way around here,” Sweetie spoke up, “where exactly can I find Twilight’s fragment?”
“Ah... that’s the thing, there isn’t one here...” Wanderer D ventured.
“What?!” Sweetie’s magic yanked Wanderer D off the ground. He floated upside down, looking straight into her eyes. Whispered words seemed to emanate from the earth around them as, for just a second, her right iris seemed to glow yellow. Her mane shifted a bit, but it did so in a brittle way, as if it were made of something harder than hair.
“What do you mean there’s no fragment?” Sweetie hissed.
“Uh... Sweetie?” Wanderer D grinned nervously and motioned to the floor next to Sweetie’s right foreleg, where the rock seemed to have started to climb up.
Sweetie gritted her teeth and took a deep breath, depositing Wanderer D on the floor. “Okay, I get it. I’ll calm down... but I need to get back on my journey!”
“Hold on,” Daring Do raised a hoof. “What are we talking about here?”
“Twilight’s fragment... it would be a purple crystal shard with severe amounts of magic, possibly a voice inside it, and could have appeared at any point in time or not even yet in this world,” Wanderer D explained.
“So... something like ‘The Shard of Providence’?” Daring Do said after a moment. “You know, the mythical gem, or crystal, that helped generations of proto-ponies evolve into what we are today? Back when the species were not as simple?”
Wanderer D frowned. “Wait... there’s such a thing?”
Trixie chuckled. “Of course! It’s a legend that has been passed from generation to generation, there are fairy tales told about it...” her laughter died as she shot Daring Do a considering look. “You’re not seriously thinking what I think you’re thinking...”
Daring Do just grinned.
“B-but! That’s impossible! It’s just a legend!” Trixie stammered.
“Honey, I hear that all the time,” Daring Do retorted, winking at Trixie playfully. “Don’t I, D?”
“Yes, yes you do,” Wanderer D nodded sagely.
“Besides!” Lati added. “Legends are as real as I am!”
When the ponies didn’t react, she sighed. “Damn it, the context doesn’t apply...”
“It wasn’t funny anyway,” Wanderer D said, patting Lati’s back.
“Hardy har-har,” Lati growled.
“So, is that what we’re looking for?” Sweetie asked.
“Seems like...” Wanderer D sighed. “Okay, good news, the temple, dungeon, cave, deathtrap where it is located should be no further than a two day radius from Ponyville.”
“Well, that’s convenient,” Daring Do said, blinking. “How do you know that, if you had never heard of it before today?”
“The rules of Sweetie’s travels,” Wanderer D said. “Now, we should really look for clues...”
“Already at it!” Trixie said, trotting towards the Library. “Trixie will research the old lore in the library!”
“I’ll go with you!” Daring Do called. “I know exactly where to look!”
Sweetie smiled. “Are we looking at old books! Can I come too?”
Lati and Wanderer D watched the three ponies trot towards the library before turning to share a look.
“So...” Lati started. “What do you do for fun here?”
Wanderer D glanced at her. “I might have an idea...”
o.0.o
Twilight sighed, looking at the three ponies deep in study. It was rare to see anypony in the library at all diligently researching anything at all, even legendary items that were nothing but myths.
It was a nice change of pace and– what was that noise?
Twilight frowned and opened the door to the library. Immediately she was blasted in the face by the sounds of the crowds as hundreds of ponies cheered outside.
“What the hay!?” She stammered, shaking her head to clear it as she headed outside. She stopped in shock. Just outside, somepony had built a starting line, behind which Rainbow Dash, Lati and Spitfire stood, drinking in the cheers of the ponies around them with huge grins on their faces.
“Okay, everypony! You can place yer bets at the booth with Applebloom!” Wanderer D announced. “And hurry up! We’re just about to start! This is the last call!”
“Wanderer D!” Twilight shouted over the cheers of the ponies. “What the hay are you doing?!”
“Temper temper, Twilight! Wanderer D chided. “You’re not allowed to interfere, remember?”
“But you’ve involved Rainbow Dash!” Twilight pointed out.
“Well, yes, but since I’m the experiment here, I have authority over certain aspects of it! Don’t worry, this is just for fun!” He grinned at the ponies around them. “Okay! Everypony ready! On your mark!”
“You can’t simply create a race in the middle of Ponyville!” Twilight Sparkle called out, trying to make herself be heard. “What did Mayor Mare say about this?!”
“Get set!” Wanderer D shouted, then pointed at the Mayor, who was placing a last-second bet with Apple Bloom.
Twilight’s teeth started grinding together.
“Aaaand.... GO!”
“And they’re off, everypony!” Spike announced with a megaphone from within the hot air balloon he was sharing with Pinkie Pie. “Our three contestants seem to be evenly matched so far! What do you think, Pinkie?”
“Weeeelll...” the pink pony followed the trio with her binoculars. “Spitfire and Rainbow Dash are making a good show, pushing their speed evenly as they go...”
“But, what about Lati?” Spike asked.
“Silly dragon,” Pinkie giggled. “Lati is a Legendary Pokemon! Nothing short of Mach 2 will even make her put up an effort!”
A collective groan came from the ponies down below.
“But... surely if Rainbow Dash does another Sonic Rainboom she would go faster than even Lati could hope?”
“We don’t know! The Sonic Rainboom is something that only Dashie can do and then it shoots her faster than ever before! But we haven’t seen any TV episode yet that guarantees that Spitfire doesn’t have her own special ‘boom’!”
“TV episode?” Spike asked, looking at Pinkie in confusion.
“Yes!” Pinkie bounced up and down in the balloon. “We’ll have to wait for season 3 to see if that changes!”
“What is she talking about?!” Twilight Sparkle groaned. “I’ll never get that pony!”
“Oh, she’s talking about the Friendship is Magic cartoon, you know, the stuff that Celestia and Luna don’t want you to talk to me about?”
Twilight’s ears twitched. “I’m going away! Now!”
Turning around, she marched right into her library and slammed the door shut just as Spike shouted: “Did you see that?! But that’s impossib–”
Walking up to the table, Twilight sat down and proceeded to slam her face on it.
“Wanderer D?” Daring Do asked from the floor.
“Wanderer D,” Twilight confirmed, not lifting her face from the table.
“He does seem like a bit of a hoof-full,” Sweetie chuckled.
“Okay!” Daring Do said, standing up. “Let’s put our heads together and figure out where the shard is. Twilight, do you have a map of the area?”
“Sure,” Twilight said, lifting her head up. Her horn lit up and levitated a large map onto the table, where it opened up at the same time the crowd outside gasped and the tree rattled.
“Okay,” Daring Do looked down at it. “From what we’ve found in legends and such, the shard has never been seen or even mentioned in a forest, which leaves out the Everfree.”
Trixie nodded. “All the legends Trixie found talked about snowy mountains, higher than the clouds.”
Sweetie nodded as well. “I read one that said that it was in a temple in a cloud, but it could simply be that the cloud surrounds the temple at the top of a mountain peak.”
Twilight hummed. “But that still leaves several mountain ranges all over Equestria!”
“No...” Trixie said. “Trixie remembers that Wanderer D said that the shard would be within a two-day radius from Ponyville...”
“How does he know that, but not the location of the shard?” Twilight growled.
The others shrugged.
“Regardless,” Daring spoke up. “If we trust that, despite what common sense tells us, the two-day radius, based on an earth pony or unicorn travelling distance is this...” she drew a circle in the map. “And there’s only one range of mountains that has a peak high enough to be ‘over the clouds’.”
“Silver Beak Ridge!” Twilight’s eyes were wide. “That’s extremely dangerous! You cannot seriously be thinking about going there!”
The three ponies across from her shared a look, then grinned cheekily at Twilight. “Yes?”
Twilight sighed. “Okay, let me teach you the spell for Cloud Walking, Trixie, it may come useful,” she said at length.
“Oh! Teach it to me too!” Sweetie said, jumping up to the table.
Daring Do chuckled as the crowd outside cheered and the sky was awash with rainbows, fire and flashes.
o.0.o
“So, Silver Beak Ridge, huh?” Wanderer D asked, looking up at the really, really tall mountain. “Well, that’s unusual... the tendency is to write just about anything from the entrance to Tartarus to hidden temples of Nightmare Moon and the Lunar Republic as being hidden under the Everfree Forest. Next thing you know you lift up a tree there and find an Eva Unit. There’s no originality.”
“Well, anyway, I think I can carry two of you,” Lati said.
“And I can carry Wanderer D,” Daring Do added. “So we’re all covered.”
“Why do you get to carry Wanderer D?” Trixie asked, glaring at Daring.
“Because I’m a pegasus?” Daring ventured. “Maybe?”
“Come on girls,” Wanderer D grinned. “Adventure! Fun! The Sweetie Chronicles! A New World! What else do you need?!”
“Let’s go!” Lati shouted, grabbing hold of Trixie and Sweetie Belle. She glanced at Daring Do, who was holding Wanderer D tight. “Race you to the top?”
“Sure!” Daring said and had to hold her hat in place when the displaced air from Lati’s sudden take off hit her. She chuckled and slowly started flying up.
“Um... didn’t you say that you were racing her?” Wanderer D asked.
Daring batted her eyelashes at him. “What, and miss this chance to hold you close? Never.”
Wanderer D chuckled nervously.
o.0.o
The temple was indeed at the top of the mountain, and, by the time Wanderer D and Daring Do had arrived, the gang had already looked around it.
“Took your time!” Lati called. “I thought the race was to see who could get here faster, not who could make out the longest!”
Daring Do blushed as she pretended to ignore Lati.
Trixie, for her part, tackled Wanderer D and glared down at him. “You are spending some time smooching The Great and Powerful Trixie! NOW!”
Wanderer D blinked. “Yes, ma’am!”
Sweetie raised an eyebrow while Daring approached the walls of the temple. “So, what have we found out so far?”
“The entrance is on the other side,” Lati started to say then grabbed Sweetie’s head and turned it away from Trixie and Wanderer. “And you, young lady, should be looking away.”
“But...” Sweetie looked up at the Legendary Pokemon, “But they’re... he’s- she just–”
“Look. Away.”
“Fine,” Sweetie sighed.
“Anyway, the front is guarded by...” Lati trailed off. “Wow...”
“What?” Sweetie Belle asked turning around only to find Daring Do between her and whatever had distracted Lati.
“Nothing!” Daring Do said, grinning nervously. “Just... look at the fortress, there’s a good girl.”
“A- anyway...” Lati stammered, eyes widening and making a real effort to look at Daring. “Uh... yeah, t-the front is protected by...”
“Lati, eyes over here,” Daring Do said, motioning at her own with her hoof.
“Y-yeah...” Lati said, snapping back to attention. “There’s two weird Pok- I mean... creatures at the front... they look like half Pid- I mean... uh, birds... and half cats?”
“Griffons,” Daring Do said. “Damn, I wasn’t really expecting anyone else to be here...” she looked at structure in front of her. “The place seems like it’s been abandoned all this time, why would they be here?”
“Maybe they’re looking for the same thing...” Sweetie suggested.
“Most likely,” Daring Do sighed. She looked over her shoulder. “Okay you two, break it up! We have hostiles in the area!”
Wanderer D stumbled up to them. “Oookay...”
“Tr-Trixie needs a moment to... regain... her... breath...”
“Anyway,” Daring looked at the temple. “We should get going, if they are looking for the shard, they must have already gone through some of the traps... we have to get ahead somehow.”
A sudden explosion made all the ponies drop to the floor and cover their heads.
“What the hay was that?!” Trixie asked.
“Well,” Lati chuckled, motioning at a smoking hole on the wall. “I think this conveniently discovered entrance will help us get ahead, don’t you?”
Daring Do smiled. “I think it will!”
o.0.o
The temple echoed with the voices of several griffons up ahead.
“Are you sure this is it?” one voice asked.
“It’s purple, it’s crystal, it glows, it sounds like an obnoxious pony, I’m pretty sure that’s the shard,” a raspy voice replied.
Sweetie’s eyes widened. “Wait... I know that voice...”
“Who is it?” Daring Do asked.
“Eruth,” Wanderer D said. “I would think.”
Sweetie blinked. “How did you know?!”
“That’s sort of how I imagined his voice to be and–” he cut short. “I... know some of what you’ve gone through... anyway, what should we do?”
“You could come out now, my little ponies...” Eruth’s voice echoed in the hall. “And help us solve this conundrum.”
The group exchanged glances and slowly made their way out into the open, where they stood opposite of the creature known as Eruth.
“What the hell happened to him?” Lati asked after a moment. “He looks like a pony was thrown into a meat grinder with some spices and was slow roasted until the meat was falling off the bones.”
“Eeeeewwww!” Daring Do, Sweetie Belle and Trixie echoed in disgust.
“Dammit, Lati, you’re making me hungry,” Wanderer D grumbled.
“Me too!” one of the three griffin bodyguards around Eruth muttered.
Eruth was shaking with fury. “Don’t talk to me like that! I’m a Canterlot Ghoul, creature! I can destroy you!”
Lati grinned, eyes flashing with energy as power seemed to emanate from her. The floor around her cracked as ghostly energy gathered in her paws. “Really? I would be delighted to see you try...”
“There’s no need,” Eruth said after a moment. “We need to figure out how to get the fragment out,” he glanced towards the other side of the room, which had several bodies strewn on the floor. “My associates have been so far unsuccessful in getting there, either flying or walking.”
“Why don’t you go, then?” Sweetie Belle asked. “You’re practically indestructible.”
Eruth rolled his undead eyes and carefully put a hoof on the floor before him. It immediately burst into flames and he hastily removed it.
“Ah, that would be a problem,” Wanderer D nodded. He glanced at the room. “So, what happened to them?”
“They walked in and something cut them in half!”
Lati flashed for a moment, then shook her head. “I... I couldn’t teleport... I think whatever is stopping stinky is stopping me as well.”
“Right, leave it to me then,” Wanderer D said, taking a step forth.
“What?! No!” Daring Do exclaimed. “I can do it!”
“Heh, don’t worry, I have a katana!” Wanderer D grinned.
“What does that have to do with anything?!” One of the griffons asked.
“Everything!” Wanderer D said cheerfully as he cantered into the room. His horn glowed and his katana slipped from the sheath on his back.
No sooner had he done that, that he was forced to bring it down and in front of him. Sparks flew out of thin air as something, or several things sliced out and encountered the blade.
“The whole floor is a trap!” Daring Do shouted. “Wanderer, you have to move quick! But be careful!”
“Got it!” Wanderer D shouted as he pushed back with the sword. His eyes noticed very thin crevices on the floor, walls and ceiling, but then he noticed something that made him smile. He jumped to the side in an apparently reckless act and landed on a platform that sank under his weight.
Everypony winced, expecting him to become mush, but when it didn’t happen, they could only gape in surprise.
“But... how?!” Trixie asked.
“Let’s just say a lot of things are starting to make sense now!” Wanderer D chuckled. He sheathed his sword, trotted up to the shard and picked it up. “Here!” he called, throwing it at Sweetie Belle. “Catch!”
The shard sailed through the air and was suddenly grabbed by a griffon’s claw.
“I think we’ll take that,” Eruth said.
“Dammit, Eruth!” Wanderer D growled, taking a step towards them. He heard a click and looked down. “Oh, shi–”
With a resounding ‘Boing!’ the floor catapulted Wanderer D straight up into a bunch of spikes.
o.0.o
Luna glared at Wanderer D, her eyes all the more scary due to the sheer size of them from the bottle. “Wanderer D! What hast thou done!”
“Uh... your accent is slipping and–”
“SILENCE!” Luna roared. “The seal on Discord has been broken! The Elements are missing! Griffons are attacking and a Ghoul of some sort is behind all of this! Your companions are his prisoners and he seems to want to move on Canterlot!”
“I–” Wanderer D gulped. “Luna, you have to give me a new body! This guy is crazy, but he’s not the worse that’s coming! We have to save Sweetie Belle and give her the Shard!”
Luna’s eyes widened. “The Shard of Providence? Why do you need it?”
“The Ghoul has it!”
“What?! But how?”
“We went and got it!”
“What?! Why didn’t you just ask me and my sister?!” Luna growled. “We put it in that temple!”
“Why would we do that? Nopony does the obvious thing and asks you two for help!”
Luna sighed and rubbed her head as the palace trembled. “Wanderer... this time we need help!”
“Trust me Luna, between Lati, Trixie, Daring, me, you, and Celly, we can do this! Especially with Sweetie’s help! But you have to give me the body that only the most deluded and n00bish authors would give themselves!”
Luna’s eyes widened. “You must be joking! To do that I would need my sister’s help!”
“Well, better go get her!” Wanderer D said as Discord’s laughter echoed across Equestria. “Or we won’t get a chance!”
Luna’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she growled. “FINE! But you’d better fix all of this!”
Wanderer D grinned. “Just get me a katana.”
o.0.o End Chapter 4 o.0.o
Next Chapter:
“Wait... did you just say... TWO katanas?!”
WD: The HiE Experiment
By Wanderer D
Chapter 5: Alicorn
“Dude! I’m an alicorn! Isn’t that awesome?!” Wanderer D said, prancing around and looking at herself in the mirror.
“Yes, D,” Luna rolled her eyes. “It is awesome indeed, now, how about–”
“Dude! You’re like, an alicorn too!” Wanderer D said, pointing her hoof at Luna and then at Celestia, eyes wide.
“Wanderer D, we have always been alicorns!” Luna snapped.
“Aw, you’re going hipster on me, Woona?” Wanderer D asked grinning at the princess.
“Wanderer D,” Celestia spoke up, “please stop torturing Luna. We have transformed you into an alicorn like you requested, hopefully this will help us stop this disaster.”
Wanderer D nodded. “Honestly, I just wanted to see if you would do it. I don’t think I really needed to be an alicorn to achieve anything...”
Luna’s mouth opened and closed several times as she tried to voice the many negative things she wanted to say to Wanderer D.
Celestia face-hoofed. “So you made me and Luna waste precious magical energy to create another alicorn just to see if we would?”
Wanderer D nodded. “But fear not, princesses... this was all for great justice! And science!”
Celestia had to physically restrain Luna for the next five minutes, which were the first recorded events in Equestrian history where the moon shot up into the sky and was actively trying to smash into Canterlot Castle only to be foiled by the Sun time and again.
It was blamed on Discord.
“So, you’re an alicorn now,” Luna spat, taking deep breaths to calm herself. “Now what?”
“Now you tell me... why am I a mare?” Wanderer D asked, turning around to the mirror and beginning to lift her tail. The mirror was crushed under a rock. Which was crushed under a sky carriage, which was crushed under a meteorite.
“Wanderer D...” Luna had a visible aura of anger around her that would have put Akane Tendo to shame.
“Yes... Luna?”
“Are you going to fix what you have caused?”
“Yes, Luna.”
“Good,” Luna said. “As to why you are a mare, it’s simple: Alicorns are all mares.”
“Wait... but... really?” Wanderer D blinked. “I guess it makes sense now that I think about it... we’ve seen a ‘Prince’ but he was not an alicorn...”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “What, no alicorn fanfiction anecdote?”
Wanderer D rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t get me started! Alicorns are the worst self-inserts ever. Alicorns basically suck when they are a self-insert. Whenever I read an author writing himself as an alicorn, it just makes me wonder: ‘is your life really that boring that you so desperately want to be not only special, but more special than anyone else by making yourself an alicorn? With... zebra markings? And more powerful than Celestia and Luna combined?’”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying that wanting to be special is a bad thing, Wanderer?”
“Not at all, sister!” Wanderer D replied, shaking her head and ignoring Luna’s odd glance. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be special, but the problem is when their version of ‘special’ is nothing more than wanting to make themselves cooler than everyone else for no reason. There are good stories with alicorns as characters out there, no doubt. The problem comes when you write yourself as a black and red alicorn with poor grammar, obscene language and mad skillz when in reality, you are as badass as an ikea lamp.”
“Wanderer, that’s unfair...” Celestia chided.
“I know, Ikea lamps are actually quite durable...” Wanderer D sighed. “But what irks me the most is not that the author inserts himself/herself as an alicorn as much as the fact that they are just a copy paste of all the other self-insert alicorns. They have the personality of a soggy Big Mac! The burger, not the stallion...” Wanderer D trailed off, looked at her new body and then at the princesses. “Um... hold on, I’ll be right back...”
“Wait–” Luna began, but with a flash of her horn, Wanderer D was gone. She turned to her sister, whom shuddered as the world seemed to shake around them. “Sister, what are we going to do? If Wanderer D gets lost again, we might not be able to figure out what to do in time to save everypony!”
Celestia sighed. “I fear we might have to make do without him- her...” she corrected herself and frowned. “This will take some getting used to.”
Luna snorted. “If h- she follows the same pattern as before, she’ll be dead soon enough anyway, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”
She blinked when a small sphere of energy materialized in the room and suddenly flashed into a very disheveled Wanderer D. Her mane needed a brushing, her coat was sweaty and it seemed she had bite marks on her neck. “Wow,” Wanderer D giggled. “Big Mac is a good name for him!” She shook her head. “Too bad about the stamina!”
Celestia and Luna both stared at her.
“What?” Wanderer D said, shifting defensively. “Come on, anypony would have done that if they were suddenly mares of eligible age! And if they deny it it’s because they’re just shy!”
“Somepony that wouldn’t mount Twilight Sparkle at first chance, right, sister?” Celestia asked, giving Luna an amused look.
Luna for her part stared at Wanderer D for the longest time, then turned to face Celestia. “Sister, I will marry this mare.”
Celestia’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what?! Luna! No! You cannot marry this pervert! I forbid it! He- she- Wanderer D already has Daring Do and Trixie! You cannot be serious!”
“They shall be the royal concubines!” Luna said, a smile growing in her face as she levitated the trashy novel she had been reading earlier. “Just like in my book! ‘The Royal Party that Kept On Going!’ by Butterscotch!”
Wanderer D looked at the book and blinked. “Wait, Butterscotch Sundae is canon?”
A roar interrupted them, followed by the top of the tower they were in being ripped off by a huge creature that looked like a cake. Or maybe pudding.
Celestia and Luna dove to the side as debris fell all around, while Wanderer D completely spaced out.
“Wanderer!” Luna shouted. “What they hay are you doing?!”
Wanderer D blinked and jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a piece of ceiling that would have left a nasty bruise. “Oh, sorry! I was trying to figure out if this was an ‘It's Walky/Shortpacked ’ reference... but I think that was another type of pastry...”
“Wanderer D, we are not in one of your fanfics!” Luna roared.
“Oh. Right...” Wanderer D chuckled nervously.
“Wanderer, I would very much like to know how you plan on helping the Elements of Harmony defeat Discord, fight that mutant cake that is eating the castle, overthrow the ghoul that is using the invaluable and completely misunderstood Shard of Providence and bring back peace to Equestria?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Sounds like the type of crap I usually write, I’m sure I’ll think of something.”
“Wanderer D,” Luna growled. “Fix this. Now.”
“Right... let’s see.” Wanderer D muttered, closing her eyes. Her horn flashed and soon she had two katanas strapped to her back.
Luna’s eyes went wide. “Two katanas?”
Wanderer D smirked. “You said it was serious right? Besides, a wakizashi is cool and all, but it doesn’t carry the same cliched awesome of a katana.”
Luna sighed. “Wanderer D, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Doesn’t matter!” Wanderer D said, looking towards the sky. “Let’s go outside and stop this madness!”
The three alicorns took to the air; two of them weaving gracefully around the spires, the third fumbling around and barely missing a couple of towers.
The battle was easy to find. After all, Discord had somehow made himself to be the size of a skyscraper and Twilight and Co. were trying their best to organize themselves enough to launch a counterattack.
Twilight Sparkle looked up and smiled in relief as she noticed them coming. “Princesses! I’m so glad you’re here! Discord isn’t letting us–”
“Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight stared at the alicorn that had landed rather heavily next to Celestia and Luna. “What the hay?” she stammered, making Celestia raise an eyebrow in surprise.
“Twilight! We need to do somethin’ about–” she stopped and glared at Wanderer D. “What the HAY are y’all doin’ here? Didn’t Ah tell y’all Ah’d rip your wings next time Ah saw you?”
“Applejack.
“Shaddup!” Applejack shouted.
“Why, Applejack dear, whatever is the problem?” Rarity asked.
“Rarity.
“Well, thank you!” Rarity smiled at Wanderer D. “I’m afraid I don’t know your name, dear, but after Cadence, I realized that trying to guess if there are more princesses is pointless! No offense,” she added.
“None taken,” Wanderer D nodded.
“Guys! We still have to deal with Discord!” Rainbow Dash shouted, circling above them.
“Rainbow Dash.
“Let’s not dwell on the past!” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “We have stuff to do now!”
“Um... what’s happening?”
“Fluttershy.
“Is this really necessary, Wanderer D?” Luna interrupted. “We know who they are.”
“Well, yeah, but since we’re wasting time talking, I’m following the lead of some ‘authors’ who feel the need to reintroduce us to each and every character.”
“Well, stop it. It’s completely obnoxious and unnecessary,” Luna stated.
Wanderer D sighed. “Fine.” He turned towards Fluttershy. “Sorry, Flutters, you don’t get an intro. Blame Luna.”
“And what do we have here?” Discord’s voice echoed from the floor.
The gathered ponies looked down to see they were standing on Discord’s face. The draconequus grinned as several of the mares screamed in horror.
Wanderer D started laughing.
“This is not the time to laugh!” Luna snapped, taking flight. “We have to stop him!”
“But he’s funny!” Wanderer D whined. Her eyes widened. “And the rain!”
Celestia blinked. “What about the rain?”
“He makes... Chocolate! Rain!” Wanderer D and Pinkie Pie echoed.
“How very interesting!” Discord chuckled as he materialized, lounging on an upside down hammock that was positioned sideways and sucked a pinapple out his orange juice. “We have another pony besides the Element of Laughter who appreciates my humor!” He smirked at Celestia. “See, Celly? There’s no harm in what I’m doing!”
“Discord!” Celestia growled, flying up to stand right in front of him. “Cease all of this at once!”
Discord raised an eyebrow and looked at Celestia, completely serious. “No.”
“But–”
“Hold on, hold on!” Wanderer D interrupted, cantering up to Celestia and standing next to Discord. “That’s not how you deal with things, Celly, there are other ways.”
“Oh?” Discord flashed out of his chair and appeared next to Wanderer D. “This should be interesting, little princess. What do you expect to do, hmm? Magic me away? Ask the Elements of Harmony to trap me in stone?”
“Discord! Front and center!” Wanderer D snapped.
Discord chuckled but humored her, flashing into place in military-police uniform, saluting.
“Discord, you are becoming a cliche,” Wanderer D said, drawing an honest-to-Celestia (she was there!) gasp from Discord, whose face went slack.
“What?” he asked.
“You are becoming a cliche,” she repeated. “A reusable tool convenient only for flimsy plot lines that attempt to put humor into your words but achieve nothing other than make you an obnoxious and ultimately forgettable character,” Wanderer D stated, looking at Discord with a raised eyebrow. “In fact, the most memorable instances of your return have you turned into a common villain, interested in nothing but torture and gore... or even worse...”
“Even- even worse?” Discord choked, taking a step back, eyes wide.
“Yes, they... redeem you !” Wanderer D hissed, leaning forward and locking eyes with Discord.
“B-but–” Discord stammered.
“No!” Wanderer D jumped in. “There is no escape! You were beaten before you even broke out of your stone prison this time!”
Discord looked around, a truly desperate look in his face.
“You do not realize how important you are!” Wanderer D declared, wings flaring. “Don’t let the Elements encase you in stone again just so you can become a convenient device for mediocre writers! Join me and I will complete your training! With our powers combined we can bring an end to this pathetic parody of your true talent and bring fun back to the multiverse!”
Discord collapsed, raising his arms protectively as if he expected Wanderer D to attack him.
“You didn’t know your father for long...” Wanderer D said after a moment.
“I knew him enough!” Discord challenged, looking fiercely into the alicorns eyes. “I will have fun, like he said, even if he’s dead!”
“No,” Wanderer D raised her head, looking over Discord with cold fury. “He is not dead! I am your father!”
“Nooooooooo!” Discord, Pinkie Pie and Lati shouted in unison, before stopping and looking at each other, then at Wanderer D.
Then they all collapsed, laughing like maniacs.
“What. Just. Happened?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Trixie does not know,” Trixie said, walking up to Twilight. “But as we fought the cake monster, Lati said she felt a memorable quote coming, so we needed to hurry here... and then she teleported, leaving the Great and Powerful Trixie to deal with the cake monster.”
“Ahem,” Daring Do cleared her throat.
“...with some help from her faithful sidekick Daring Do...” Trixie mumbled.
Luna’s eyes were wide. “Did you two stop the cake monster?”
“No...” Trixie said, looking over her shoulder as the creature stomped towards them. “We did not.”
Wanderer D sat up, still chuckling and shook her head. “Hey, it’s okay! Don’t worry!”
“You have a katana?” Trixie and Daring Do asked.
“No,” Wanderer D waved a hoof at the notion. “We have Celestia! She loves cake!”
Celestia slowly turned around to face Wanderer D, and as she did, the ground around her hooves cracked and started floating up by the sheer pressure of her anger.
“...and I might have another plan?” Wanderer D cringed.
“And what,” Celestia’s voice was cold. “Is that plan?”
Wanderer D smiled sheepishly. “Discord, son, would you, uh... please put away your toy?”
Discord gave her an incredulous look. “But mom! I mean... daaaad!”
“No buts, young draconequus!” Wanderer D hissed. “Auntie Celly is about to vaporize me! We can pull them out later!”
Discord grumbled but snapped his fingers. Suddenly there was a large, but normal cake resting next to Celestia, who eyed it doubtfully.
“Wait,” Twilight spoke. “Wait, wait, wait...” Her eyes twitched. “You mean to tell me, that we fished out the elements, waded through a river of custard, fought marshmallow centaurs, built a bridge out of apple crumble pie and tangoed with drunk pelicans... for nothing?”
“No, Twilight,” Wanderer D said sternly, placing a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “You have to think of what you have gained from all of this.”
For a moment Twilight’s coat was white and her mane flames. Just long enough for Wanderer D to gingerly take her hoof off the unicorn’s shoulder.
“And what, pray tell,” Twilight hissed, “is that?”
“...I’ll get back to you on that, I fear for my life right now...” Wanderer D said after a moment.
The world shook again and the ponies looked at each other in confusion, then turned to look at Discord.
“It wasn’t me!” Discord said, stopping cold and causing Pinkie Pie and Lati to bump onto his back.
“Discord,” Wanderer D sighed. “Why do you have maracas? Why are you wearing a sombrero four times larger than necessary and why are Pinkie and Lati dressed the same?”
“We were going to sing La Bamba?” Lati ventured.
“What?!” Wanderer D growled. “La Bamba?!”
Twilight sighed. “Finally he- she... Wanderer D is taking things seriously...”
“Without a guitar?” Wanderer D shook her head. “There are things that simply cannot be done, why, I–”
“Uh, dad?” Discord pointed at Trixie who was holding a bandolin.
“Oh... huh, that’ll be interesting...” Wanderer D muttered, horn flashing. When a xylophone had materialized in front of her, she nodded. “Anytime then! ”
“Para bailar la bamba!”
“Okay, stop!” Luna hollered stepping in. “We have not solved the problem! Equestria is still trembling and mountains are collapsing!” She pointed out as a mountain collapsed behind her.
“This is true,” Wanderer D nodded, dismissing the xylophone. “Well then, where is Sweetie Belle?”
Daring Do and Trixie looked at each other. With a sigh, the pegasus spoke, “Sweetie took off after Eruth...”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t even know how she–”
“Wait!” Rarity snapped. “Are we talking about Sweetie Belle? My sister?”
Lati, Trixie, Daring Do and Wanderer D grinned uncomfortably. “Uh... maybe?” The alicorn’s grin grew nervous.
“You will tell me right now what’s wrong with her!” Rarity growled, slamming her hoof on the ground.
“Um... nothing is wrong per se...” Wanderer D said slowly. “She, uh... might have gotten possessed by an alternate version of herself that is travelling the multiverse gathering pieces of her mentor, Twilight Sparkle, who she might or might not be responsible for technically killing.”
“She’s what?!” Rarity gasped as she summoned her couch and fell back into it. “This is–”
“She killed me!?” Twilight interrupted. “Sweetie killed me?! Why?!”
“I said technically! ” Wanderer D said, motioning with her hooves for Twilight to calm down.
“So, how did she get all those weird powers?” Daring Do asked.
“What. Weird. Powers?” Rarity asked.
“Um... I’d... rather not say... in case I’m mauled by the pony with the diamonds...”
“What horrible fates has my sister suffered!?” Rarity demanded, shaking Wanderer D by the shoulders. “Tell me! TELL ME!”
“Uh... I-” Wanderer D’s eyes were wide. “Sh- she hasn’t made it to Horizons yet! I promise!”
“Good!” Rarity said dropping Wanderer D to the floor. She paused. “What is ‘Horizons’?”
Wanderer D told her.
o.0.o
“And you are never, ever, going to explain to anypony else what that poor filly is going through, is that clear?” Celestia said.
“Yes princess,” Wanderer D replied meekly, while Twilight and company were trying to revive Rarity.
“Now, you should go find her and help her return to her journey. It was clear she was meant to be here due to one of Twilight’s shards being around, but I fear your presence here might have complicated things a lot.”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie can handle Eruth just fine...” Wanderer D said. “I doubt that’s what’s causing these tremors.”
Celestia frowned. “I don’t care if she can, you are going to help her and that’s final.”
“Yes, Celly...”
Celestia raised an eyebrow but let it pass. “Now, get your team together and go.”
Wanderer D sighed. “Fine,” she turned around to face the others. “Trixie, Daring, Discord... Luna, it’s time to go.”
“Wait, why is my sister going with you?” Celestia asked.
“Well... she proposed, so that makes her automatically part of my team,” Wanderer D smiled.
“What?!” Daring Do and Trixie shouted in unison. They turned to glare at Princess Luna, who gave them a smug look.
“You can’t do that!” Applejack said, glaring at Wanderer D from Rarity’s side. “What about my brother?”
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow. “Really Applejack, he has a hair-trigger! Ah ain’t goin’ back to ‘im.”
“Wanderer D...” Trixie growled. “What did you do?”
“Trixie... I’m a mare... and there’s a stallion called ‘Big Mac’,” Wanderer D explained. “And I used to be a guy.”
“What?!” Applejack shouted, face going green. “What the hay is my brother into!?”
Trixie sighed. “Trixie demands some serious snogging after all is said and done.”
Wanderer D smiled. “Will do, Trixie!”
Wanderer was suddenly turned around by Daring Do, who gave her a sloppy kiss. “And I also want some attention!”
Luna levitated Wanderer D up to her and nuzzled her. “Why don’t we have fun with him/her at the same time?”
“I–” Wanderer D was interrupted when a pair of claws turned her around and she found herself kissing Lati for all she was worth. After a full minute, the Pokemon let Wanderer D drop to the floor. She smirked at the mares that were glaring at her. “Hey, I just wanted a taste, I’m not even staying in this world!”
“Dad sure is a ladies man, isn’t she, Celly?” Discord asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
Celestia sighed, leaning onto the draconequus. “Yes he–” her eyes snapped open and she looked up in horror at Discord’s smirk, then down to Twilight’s horrified (yet... somehow amused) expression. She quickly teleported away from him, eyes wide. “I- you- that...”
“Discord, come on, son, you can play with your fillyfriend later,” Wanderer D called. “We need to get to Sweetie!”
“Fillyfriend?!” Celestia exclaimed, shooting Wanderer D a dark look. “What the hay makes you think I’m interested in... him?!”
“Hey now,” Wanderer D shook her hoof at Celestia. “You are talking about my son, here!”
Celestia simply huffed and turned away.
“I think she likes me, dad,” Discord whispered.
“Don’t worry, kiddo, between me, your three moms, Lati, and Sweetie, I’m sure we can get her to confess,” Wanderer D grinned before he was pummeled by the mares around her.
“Your three moms?! ” Trixie snapped. “Since when did the Great and Powerful Trixie agree to sharing you with anypony other than Daring-Do?”
Wanderer D blinked. “Wait, what? You’re okay with sharing me? When did this happen?”
“We... might have sorted things out before you came back as a unicorn,” Daring-Do explained as the group trudged towards where Sweetie would presumably be.
Trixie blushed and giggled. “The Great and Powerful Trixie likes Daring almost as much as she likes pinecones! Sweet... deliciously crunchy pinecones...”
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow. “I suddenly need to be a guy again...”
“Wanderer D,” Luna growled. “Mission first.”
“Oh right... so, where’s Sweetie?” she asked.
“You don’t know?” Luna looked at him.
“I was dead, remember? Ask my other waifus.”
o.0.o 20 minutes later o.0.o
“Wow, Sweetie, that was awesome!” Wanderer D said, looking at the filly in awe. “It’s one of those moments that so many mediocre writers simply skip or gloss over and don’t go further than mentioning at times... if I had been reading what’s happened and that whole fight happened ‘off-camera’ I would- I dunno, write it myself! I hate it when people do that, but even then, the words fail me to explain how epic that was.”
“Sure glad it wasn’t me who was on the receiving end of that!” Daring Do agreed.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie would have done a better job,” Trixie huffed and ruffled Sweetie’s mane. “But The Great and Powerful Trixie is glad she didn’t have to dirty her hooves.”
“You know, I’m sure glad we were there to see it because I don’t think the others would ever believe us,” Wanderer D mused. “I mean, imagine Rarity’s face if she ever found out that Sweetie could–”
“Wanderer,” Luna spoke. “We have yet to fix whatever it is that is destroying Equestria and there is no need for you to remind us of what we have just seen. Although I will admit it was impressive,” she nodded to Sweetie Belle, who smiled back pleasantly.
“Still,” Lati said as she followed the others. “I never thought I would see something like what happened there... it was easily on par with the battles of most legendary Pokemon I’ve heard of... and I got to see it!”
“Come on, girls,” Sweetie giggled, blushing slightly. “It wasn’t that impressive. Twilight and Luna could do it to in another world I visited.”
“Well, still, it’s one thing to write about it, another altogether to experience it,” Wanderer D sighed. “It was sublime... amazing... the forces at play, Luna, the forces at play!”
“I know,” Luna nodded. “I was there, and surely we will remember this in the future with equal awe. But for now we have to find a way to fix whatever is causing the world to shake.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem, really,” Wanderer D glanced at Luna. “But, could you tell me the date and time? In human terms?”
Luna blinked. “12:23 PM, 12th of June, year 3435. Why?”
“This is where I do the HiE thing again and show off just how smart and cool I am for apparently no reason other than to conclude a convoluted plot.” Wanderer D grinned as a screeching, whining noise suddenly echoed all around them and a blue box of some sort of design materialized in front of them. Wanderer D turned around and smirked at the flabbergasted expressions in the others. “So, who’s coming?” she asked, jumping into the box the moment the doors opened.
“My daddy’s the best,” Discord whispered in awe.
o.0.o
“Doctor!” Wanderer D grinned as she walked into the TARDIS. “Thank you for helping out, we have a lot to do!”
Whooves looked at the alicorn and chuckled. “I figured as much from what you said last time,” he looked at the group stepping into the TARDIS with raised eyebrows. “You didn’t tell me, however, that you would bring so many guests with you! Including Discord! That’s fantastic!”
The earth pony walked up to Discord and looked him up and down, then quickly ran up to Luna with a huge grin, then stepped up to Daring Do. “My! You’ve brought quite an interesting group of ponies! A villain, a princess, a fictional character, a showmare...” he stared at Lati for a moment.
“A legendary Pokemon,” Lati explained.
“A purple Latias!” The Doctor said. “This is brilliant! Is she shiny? Is that why she’s purple?”
Wanderer D opened her mouth and closed it. “You know about Pokemon?”
Hooves rolled his eyes. “Who doesn’t?
“Well... I hadn’t heard about Pokemon until I met a whole bunch of them...” Sweetie said. “I don’t think they are that common outside their world despite how many and powerful they are... I never expected to meet another Latias other than the one in Hoenn–”
“And- what’s this?” The Doctor interrupted as he looked at Sweetie closely. She fidgeted in place, smiling nervously at him. “There’s something about you... some sort of distortion field that confuses the senses!”
“Doctor–” Wanderer D tried to speak.
“Let me see,” Whooves interrupted, pulling out his sonic screwdriver.
“Wait, I wouldn’t–” Wanderer tried again, but it was too late.
Sweetie stepped back as the sonic screwdriver activated, cringing as the machine tried to lift her natural defenses... after a moment, she opened one of her eyes. “Is it still on?”
Wanderer D sighed in relief. “Yes, it is, Sweetie.”
“Odd that,” Whooves said, shaking his sonic screwdriver and looking at it accusingly. “That should have taken care of that field! Why didn’t it work?”
Wanderer D grinned. “Magic!”
The Doctor shook his head. “Magic. Figures. Anyway,” he turned around and faced Wanderer D. “You,” he pointed a hoof at Wanderer, “told me to be here at this time on this date because otherwise the world would end. And here I am.”
Wanderer D nodded. “It’s time to make sense of things and fix Equestria.”
The Doctor nodded and gave Wanderer D a small bag. “Here. Muffins.”
o.0.o
“So, here we are, Temple of Providence, year 1499,” Whooves said.
“Luna, we need to go in there and have one of the builders carve the image of the TARDIS on the first stone of the safe path,” Wanderer D said, “Do you think you could do that?”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Sure, why not? But wouldn’t that make it really easy to figure out the way?” she asked as she left the TARDIS.
“Not if you make all of them have different symbols, like when we saw them!” Lati mused, then her eyes widened. “Are you telling me that–”
“... that’s how I knew to jump onto it?” Wanderer D smiled. “Exactly!”
“But, you’d never visited! How did you know it would be there?” Sweetie asked.
“Well, I didn’t!” Wanderer D confessed. “I just happened to glance in that direction and it suddenly all clicked. There were far too many things that were too random for them to happen without reason!”
Luna came back into the TARDIS, frowning. “I have a vague recollection of an argument with that same builder about decorating the whole place because marking one safe stone would give the whole thing away and how they had to mark all of them differently and thus we had to pay more from the treasury.”
Wanderer D smiled. “Well, don’t you feel silly now?”
Whooves laughed. “I love time-travel!” He turned several levers as he ran around the TARDIS’s controls and typed away. “Where to now?”
“Son,” Wanderer D called. “A gong if you please,”
Discord shrugged and snapped his fingers. Immediately a gong with his smiling face appeared in the TARDIS.
“What do we need a gong for?” Lati blinked.
“For this!” Wanderer D shouted as she levitated the gong, opened the doors into the multiverse and threw it out.
The group followed the gong with their eyes as it drifted in the in-between worlds... until a pink, white and purple comet slammed into it, making it reverberate into the ether and sending the comet out of the way.
“Hey, that sounds familiar!” Daring Do gasped. “Wasn’t that the same sound we heard when we were floating here?”
“Trixie thinks so!” Trixie nodded.
“Was that–” Sweetie gasped. “Was that me!?”
Wanderer D grinned. “Eeeyup! Now, let’s go!”
“Where!?” Sweetie asked. “What’s going to happen to me?!”
“You’ll end up here, with us right now!” The Doctor laughed. “I thought only I pulled these kinds of stunts!”
“Where to now?” Discord asked a grin growing on his face.
“Two days ago,” Wanderer D said.
“Coming up!” Doctor Whooves announced.
“Wanderer,” Luna scowled at her. “How is it that everything is happening according to plan?”
“My dear Luna,” Wanderer D winked at her, “I’m a HiE that was turned into an alicorn!”
“What does that have to do with this?” she asked, blinking in confusion.
“By definition, I’m a freakin’ Mary Sue!” Wanderer D declared.
“I thought your name was Wanderer?” Trixie ventured. “And why are you freaking? As far as Trixie can tell everything is working out exactly as you planned!”
Wanderer D facehoofed. “It’s okay, I’ll explain later.”
“We’re here, Wanderer!” The Doctor announced. “Do you want me to land?”
“Nah,” Wanderer shrugged, opened the door once more and tossed out a muffin.
Immediately they heard Derpy’s voice reaching all the way to them. “Muffin!”
Trixie frowned. “Wait, was that Derpy? Didn’t she shout the exact same thing when that muffin landed on your head an- oh...”
Wanderer D winked. “Come on, we have to move before inevitability catches up with me...”
“What do you mean?” Sweetie asked
“You’ll see,” Wanderer D sighed. “Anyway, time to jump to the past again! Specifically early morning. We need to buy a parachute and send it to me, in Luna’s bedroom.”
Luna smacked her forehead. “Of course...”
They arrived at a local market where Wanderer quickly purchased a parachute and arranged for it to be delivered that same day to Luna’s room.
“Okay, now we have to travel 5000 years into the past,” Wanderer D said.
“Aha! So that’s when we meet!” The Doctor chuckled. “I had wondered where you came from!”
o.0.o 5000 years in the past o.0.o
Doctor Whooves galloped as fast as he could towards the TARDIS. Wanderer D was crazy, that was for sure, but the recent friendship seemed to be worth it. If anything, simply because Wanderer D seemed oddly familiar with the rules and dangers of his own travels.
The Doctor finally reached the hill where they had parked the TARDIS, but something unexpected was in the way.
The alicorn was unlike any other he had seen. Her cream-colored coat sparkled seemingly in response to the chaotic sparks of her mane. Her wing tips were colored in shades of the rainbow and her irises were a mismatched blue and green.
She smiled. “Doctor, I have come to tell you... don’t worry about Wanderer D, like you he is able to regenerate, and he will be taken into the future soon enough.”
Whooves frowned. “I am not entirely sure I should trust you on this... who are you?”
Wanderer D winked. “A visitor from the future as well, one that thought you were not canon.”
“You mean–” The Doctor stopped. Of course! Wanderer D could regenerate as well, so he could arguably regenerate into a unicorn or even an alicorn. “But, that’s brilliant!” he laughed.
Wanderer D nodded. “Now, Doctor, the world will need our help much later on... I’ll meet you at 12:23 PM, 12th of June, year 3435, deal?”
The Doctor chuckled. “Am I the type of stallion to pass a completely vague and peculiar request like that?”
A loud crunch was heard in the distance, along with a soft: “Dad!”
“No, you don’t!” Wanderer D grinned. “Now, go! We’ll meet again soon! Oh, and get me some muffins on the way, will you?”
Doctor Whooves hesitated for a moment, his eyes turning to a distant pool of lava. “See you soon.”
o.0.o The Time Stream o.0.o
“So, what now?” Luna asked.
Wanderer D sighed. “Three more things...” she turned to look at the Doctor. “Whooves, what happened to make the TARDIS catch fire and spin out of control the first time?”
The Doctor frowned. “I had been traveling normally, but when I was in the time-stream something flew past the TARDIS enveloped in a magical field that disrupted the frequency the TARDIS was working on...”
“Gotcha, think we can see it happen?” Wanderer D asked.
The Doctor raised an eyebrow but nodded. Soon the group was gathered around the TARDIS’ door, looking out as another TARDIS flew at an apparently random direction. All of a sudden, a third TARDIS appeared, its doors opened and Lati flew out. She was suddenly covered in magical energy. She turned to say something towards the TARDIS before looking straight at them and waving.
Lati waved back.
The Lati that was floating outside the third TARDIS suddenly shot straight as an arrow, creating a boom that shook everything around them and smacking the side of the TARDIS that had been on its way somewhere. The TARDIS in question was flung out of the timestream. Immediately, the third TARDIS disappeared.
“Well, it seems we know what to do,” Wanderer D said after a moment. “We send Lati home through the Time Stream, with a couple of spells to help her on her way.”
“I think I know one of the spells used,” Luna said slowly. “It’s a spell designed to help little fillies find their way home if they get lost in the forest or in a city.”
“That makes sense,” Daring Do said, “The spell directs Lati to her destination!”
“How about the other spell?” Sweetie asked. “I didn’t recognize it at all!”
“That was us!” Discord said, standing next to Discord.
“Wait, what?” Trixie shook her head. “The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that Discord stops fooling around with fake copies!”
Discord looked at Discord. “She thinks I’m a copy!”
Discord shrugged. “Silly ponies are silly, and you know it.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Don’t I know it? Well, all ponies save dad. Dad is best pony.”
“Yes,” Discord agreed. “That he is.”
Further conversation was stopped by a knock on the door.
“Weren’t we in the middle of the Time Stream?” Wanderer D blinked.
“That’s... very odd,” Doctor Whooves nodded, walking gingerly towards the doors and opening them. Only to stare straight through the small gap between another TARDIS with the Doctor, another Trixie, another Wanderer D, another Daring Do, another Sweetie Belle and another annoyed Luna, who was knocking on the door.
“Sorry, Doctor, but we came for Discord, I’m sure you understand,” she said, glaring at the pair of draconequi.
“Oh, you’re no fun, Woona,” Discord said. He turned to Discord. “I’m sorry, Discord, but mom is calling.”
“It’s okay, Discord, I’m sure we’ll meet again,” Discord said, watching Discord teleport next to Luna who gave Discord a look.
“Not you,” she growled. “The other one!”
Discord chuckled and teleported into the other TARDIS. “You caught me! You’ll have to tell me how you did it!”
“Maybe later,” Luna said, watching the other Discord step back into the TARDIS. “For now, we should go. Doctor, ladies.” She nodded and closed the doors.
The other TARDIS left as the Doctor closed the doors to his own TARDIS. “This day gets curiouser and curiouser.”
“Okay,” Wanderer D sighed. “So, what is that other spell, son?”
“Eh, it’s not even a spell, it’s something I probably did to make Lati indestructible enough to smash through the TARDIS and sent it reeling without damaging herself or deviating from her destination.”
“Excellent!” Doctor Whooves cried out, “well, not excellent, since you did damage my TARDIS, but she’s okay now... anyway, three minutes into the past!”
o.0.o 3 Minutes Earlier o.0.o
“So,” Lati said as soon as she flew out of the open doors. “I guess this is goodbye?”
“Only for now, Lati,” Wanderer D said. “I’ll keep track of your adventures.”
Lati chuckled and nodded, turning briefly to say hi to them in the past. “Well then, goodbye, and good luck!”
With that, Lati turned around and, following Luna’s spell’s guidance, shot off at top speed, smashing into the side of the very first TARDIS and sending it spinning out of control without missing a beat.
“There she goes.” Sweetie sighed. “I’ll miss her.”
“We all will.” Luna nodded.
“Let’s go!” Daring Do shouted. “We need to fix the world, remember?”
The Doctor was already at the controls and soon they were moving through time.
“Wait!” Trixie facehoofed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie can’t believe we forgot!”
“Forgot what?” Wanderer D asked.
“Discord!”
o.0.o
After picking Discord up, the group turned to look at Wanderer D.
“You said three things,” Daring Do pointed out. “The TARDIS and Lati would count as one, I would guess, what next?”
Wanderer D sighed and looked at Sweetie. “Well, it’s time to send Sweetie on her journey... she still has some worlds to visit before its conclusion.”
Sweetie rolled her eyes. “And you have yet to tell me how you know so much about them!”
Wanderer D hesitated, while Luna raised an eyebrow, interested in seeing how he handled this.
“I- I’m a storyteller,” Wanderer D said after a moment. “My gift allowed me to look into what was happening to you and put it in words... all you have achieved and will is really your own doing.”
Sweetie bit her lower lip. “I really want to know more.”
“I know,” Wanderer D said. “But you can’t... if I told you, or if you forced it out of me, it could really mess things up for you.”
Sweetie nodded as she levitated the purple shard she had fought Eruth for. “Will it be a happy ending?”
Wanderer D looked away.
“Oh...” Sweetie cringed.
“It... it’s up to you, but–” Wanderer D took a deep breath. “Sweetie, you are amazing, I’m sure you can get that happy ending. And... you’re not alone.”
Sweetie chuckled. “I hope so...” she still hesitated. “But... a hint? For the next world?”
Wanderer D thought for a moment. “If I remember correctly... yeah... Spike will be pretty big and a bit obsessive about protecting his territory from other dragons, so, don’t take it personally.”
Sweetie facehoofed. “That’s pretty vague.”
“Oh, it’ll make sense when you get there,” Wanderer D promised, drawing the filly for a hug. “Be good, okay? And Sweetie, it was a pleasure to meet you, however briefly.”
“It was nice to meet you as well Wanderer–” She blinked. “Wait, I just remembered something...”
“Yes?” Wanderer D cocked his head.
“Luna and Firewall asked me to say hi to you when I met you,” Sweetie said. “I had forgotten about it with all the crazy stuff that happened.”
Wanderer D facehoofed. “By the gods that’s so meta.” She stopped. “Wait, they knew this was going to happen?”
Sweetie shrugged and smiled. “Luna did. Anyway, I should go.”
Levitating the shard, Sweetie closed her eyes and let the magic envelop her. There was a sudden flash and suddenly the crystal shard was gone and Sweetie was collapsing, unconscious. Luna’s magic quickly caught the filly.
“Is she okay?” Daring Do asked, rushing to check the filly.
“She’s fine,” Wanderer D said. “She’ll wake up not remembering much of what happened, if anything at all. It depends on the world.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie would like to point out that Sweetie Belle’s cutie mark is gone,” Trixie said.
“What?” Daring Do asked. “But how? That’s... that’s impossible, right?”
“Well, that wasn’t the local Sweetie’s cutie mark,” Wanderer D explained. “So when interdimensional Sweetie left, she took her cutie mark with her.”
Luna chuckled. “I guess it makes sense... especially with what her cutie mark looked like.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie did wonder why it was a–”
“Wanderer,” Doctor Whooves interrupted. “The tremors haven’t stopped and Equestria seems at the verge of destruction, whatever is missing, we need to do now!”
“Well then, there’s only one place left to go...” Wanderer D said.
o.0.o
“I am not comfortable with this scenario...” Luna whispered.
“Why not,” Wanderer D asked. “You set it up!”
“What is this place?” Discord asked. “It looks... a bit too real.”
Daring Do rubbed her hoof on her foreleg. “I don’t like it here... it’s as if we were not supposed to exist here and this world... it’s pushing at me, somehow...”
Trixie spat out a pinecone. “The pinecones here are vile! Trixie refuses to eat another one until she is back in Equestria!”
“So... what are we doing at your place, Wanderer D?” Luna asked.
“Well, right now I am getting some soup to eat, as you are well aware, Luna,” Wanderer D said.
“Yeeeeessssss....” Luna looked nervously at the others. “Do we really, really, have to see this?”
“Why? What’s happening?” Daring Do asked.
“Well, Luna is going to poison my soup, but–”
“What?!” Trixie cried, turning to the princess. “Why would you do that?”
“I- needed a test subject?” Luna cringed.
“Oh... very well then,” Trixie turned to look at Wanderer D’s laptop.
“Wait, that’s it? No real outcry? No accusations?” Luna looked from Trixie to Daring Do, who shrugged.
“Hey, he dies all the time, we’re getting used to it,” Daring pointed out.
“This place is the origin of the time disturbance that is threatening Equestria,” Doctor Whooves said after a moment. “Why is it?”
“We’ll find out!” Wanderer D said. “Everyone, inside the TARDIS, I don’t want myself to see us!”
“That sounds so weird,” Daring muttered as she stepped into the time machine.
Just as Discord jumped into the TARDIS the door opened and Wanderer D walked in. Unlike what Luna had selected for him to wear in Equestria he was simply wearing jeans, slippers and a t-shirt that read: “Enthropy: It ain’t what it used to be.”
He set down his wonton soup and turned on his laptop, not noticing that the soup flashed with a deep blue aura for a second. “Okay, so, where was I?” Human!Wanderer D said to himself as he scrolled down a doc. “Aha... here we go.”
He typed in silence, occasionally repeating something he had written or reading aloud some of the stories he was referencing for effect.
“Wow, some of that stuff is horrible...” Trixie whispered. “Is that what you were telling me about?”
Wanderer D nodded. “Eeyup, and some of them are damned proud of that crap.” He sighed and then perked up. “Hey, I think this is it!”
The gang piled up on her to take a closer look, threatening to roll out of the TARDIS.
“Hey, calm down! We don’t want to mess this up! Trust me!” Wanderer D muttered.
“... and that's why if you use the groups, correct grammar, and the tag-system correctly, you can achieve inner peace.” The Wanderer D in front of the computer said aloud as he typed down the last sentence of his latest guide.
“He’s so pretentious,” Luna rolled her eyes. “Seriously, Nirvana from fanfiction?”
“No,” Wanderer D scoffed, rolling her own eyes. “Pony fanfiction.”
The human Wanderer D scrolled up and re-read what he had written, making corrections here and there as he sipped the last of his soup. “Hm... not enough sarcasm here... ugh... should I really leave the author's name on this? Meh, if they were ballsy enough to send that stuff they can own up to it being used as an example.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Oh well, time to publish this.”
“Waiiit for it...” Wanderer D whispered from inside the TARDIS.
Human!Wanderer D pushed the ‘enter’ key on his keyboard and suddenly collapsed, smashing his head onto the laptop.
“DAD!” Discord shouted, jumping up and sending everyone into the room. Trixie’s leg hit one of the tall ikea lamps in the room and it fell forward, slamming onto the computer and causing it to explode, sending something flying straight into Human!Wanderer D’s chest.
Everyone was silent in the room, when suddenly, like a pulsating heart, the gathered ponies and draconequus felt a sudden, heart-lurching pain and collapsed in place.
“W-what’s happening?!” Luna asked, gasping as she struggled to stand up. Another wave of pain hit the group.
“W-why is Trixie’s leg... turning trans-” she gasped as another wave hit them. “Transparent?”
“We’re... disappearing...” Doctor Whooves growled through the pain. “But... why?”
“I-is it because, we killed Wanderer?” Daring Do asked, leaning against the bookshelf.
“No...” Wanderer D sighed as she walked up to her human ‘corpse’. “It’s because I’m not dead.”
“B-but...” Luna groaned as she slowly started fading. “What? How?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “I don’t know, but... I can see myself breathing and... with each breath, you guys suffer.”
“We- we have to get out...” Luna gritted her teeth as she pushed herself up. “G-go back to Equestria...”
Wanderer D shook her head. “That won’t help, I think... there’s only one thing to be done...”
“D-don’t do... something... stupid!” Daring Do gasped.
“S-silly pegasus!” Trixie groaned with a smile. “Did you forget who you are talking to? Wanderer D always does something stupid!”
“Haha, girls. Really, I’m dying of laughter here,” Wanderer D rolled her eyes.
“M-maybe not,” Discord groaned. “But we are!”
“Oh, right...” Wanderer D coughed. “Don’t worry everypony, I can deal with this.” Her magic flared and the two katanas unsheathed. “I have TWO katanas!”
She turned to face her old body and hesitated.
“W-wanderer...” Luna growled. “D-don’t do it!”
“Sorry, Luna,” Wanderer D shrugged. “If I don’t you die, and if my old self dies here, then I am stuck where I was, right?” With a resolute look in her face, she turned around and slammed both katanas through human!Wanderer D’s chest, and the chair.
Immediately the ponies went back to normal.
“No, you idiot!” Luna cried. “If you kill your past self completely, you are severing the link I used to keep you alive!”
Wanderer D blinked. “Oh.”
And then she died.
Again.
o.0.o The End o.0.o
o.0.o Epilogue o.0.o
The gathered ponies looked sadly at the five graves in front of them.
“Dear friends,” Celestia spoke, addressing the ponies and Discord, who were all morosely looking at the graves. Several ponies from Ponyville had also come to show support to Trixie, Daring Do and Discord, as well as friends of the Doctor and the Mane 6, all of which sat at the front. “We are gathered here today to bury a good friend of ours; Wanderer D.”
“But...” Mayor Mare spoke up. “Why are there five graves then, your highness?”
Celestia sighed. “Because there were five of him.”
“Oh...” many ponies looked confused. Five looked annoyed. Discord chuckled.
“In any case,” Celestia continued. “He came here with a mission... to find out if humans and ponies could co-exist in peace and harmony... the experiment pretty much spiraled into uncontrolled chaos that directly caused all of us to actually exist as we do today. As odd as it seems, I cannot, in that light, call it a failure.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie should mention... Wanderer D had a way of making things work in the end...” she said sadly, leaning into a comforting hug from Daring Do.
Celestia nodded. “And as annoying as he could be, I believe he was deep inside a loving, caring and helpful individual who wanted nothing but our happiness, even if he had to sacrifice his life to help us.”
She sighed. “To say goodbye to Wanderer, I shall let his friends and partners share a few words with us...” Celestia stepped back. “Starting with my sister, Princess Luna.”
Luna stepped onto the podium and regarded the gathered mourners. “Sister, my fellow wives, adopted son and friends...” she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “I...” her eyes opened and she grinned. “...have a new project! I have figured out how to bring back Wanderer D once more! It’ll take some doing and lots of adventuring, but I am getting my husband-to-be back! Who’s with me?”
Celestia grimaced as she watched Daring Do, Doctor Whooves, Discord and Trixie jump to join Luna. With a sigh, she turned to look at the gravedigger. “Better dig up another one. I don’t expect him to last long even if he *does* come back.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the gravedigger whispered and turned to go do just that.
“Sorry for the extra work,” Celestia called.
“Don’t worry ma’am,” the gravedigger grinned. “I have a katana.”
o.0.o The End? o.0.o
Season 2 two-chapter Special!
Wanderer D: The HiE Experiment
“Twilight!” Spike shouted. “Come quick! There’s some guy outside our house!”
“Just tell him we don’t want to buy anything, Spike!” Twilight shouted back.
“I don’t know if that’ll work!”
“Why not?”
“He’s naked!”
“What!?”
“And he’s dead!”
“WHAT?!”
Wanderer D groaned as he opened his eyes and looked at the blurry world around him. He had a horrible headache. Suddenly the sun was blocked by Twilight Sparkle’s unmistakable mane. But something was off.
“Twilight...” Wanderer D mumbled. “You look weird. Your horn fell off.”
And then he passed out.
o.0.o
“What are we going to do with him?” Spike asked.
Wanderer D sighed and tried to move, but found himself strangely unable to do so. He frowned. Why would that be?
“I don’t know, Spike, but we can’t simply let him go! He knows my name! Who is he? How does he know it?”
Wanderer D opened his eyes. “Of course I know who you are Twili–” he stared. “Oh no... no. No. No. Nope. Nyet. Nein. Laa. Meiyou. Iie. Etcetera. I did not die and come back for this. Anything but this. Please ,” he pleaded at Twilight and Spike. “Please just kill me. Drop me off a bridge, or shoot me. Or behead me. But don’t, don’t let me be here. With you, like that! ”
Spike ran a hand through his green hair and glanced up at the human girl right next to him. “I dunno, Twilight, he doesn’t seem stable. Are you sure we shouldn’t call the police?”
Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow. “Well, I still want to know how he knows my name!”
“Your name is actually Twilight Sparkle?” Wanderer D asked after a moment, taking in the decidedly ‘private/catholic school-like uniform’ she was wearing. It had an emblem that was pathetically similar to Celestia’s Cutie Mark. Except, it wasn’t half as cool as the real thing.
“Yes, it is!” Twilight looked down at him. “You have a problem with that?”
“What were your parents thinking?” Wanderer D asked.
The girl glowered at him and pulled back her sleeves as she prepared to punch him. “Okay, that’s it, no more nice Twilight!”
Spike was immediately between them. “Come on, Twi! There’s no need to kill the guy! Even if he wants to die!”
Wanderer D sighed. “Look, I’m here by sheer coincidence, okay? And I really, really don’t want to be here. So... let me go so I can drown myself, alright?”
“No!” Twilight stomped her foot on the floor. “I need you to tell me now how you got here, how you know my name, and why you were unconscious.”
“Curious little filly aren’t you?” Wanderer D rolled his eyes.
“Filly?” Spike asked.
Wanderer D ignored him, because that’s what just about everyone does, really. “So, how come you were named ‘Twilight Sparkle’?”
“It’s a perfectly reasonable name!” Twilight replied a bit defensively. “It was given to me by my parents!”
“Were your parents drunk?”
“Maybe,” Twilight growled. “They were part of a hippie commune when I was born, okay? Are you happy now?”
Wanderer D blinked. “Well... that explains a lot. Uh, another question, how well-versed are you in magic?”
“Okay, now I know you’re really crazy,” Twilight muttered. “There is nothing like magic, okay? It doesn’t exist.”
“Unless,” Spike grinned. “You’re talking about Magic the Gathering!” he proudly presented a bunch of cards to the two unimpressed people in front of him.
“Spike! Put away your silly cards!”
“Yeah, kid, don’t you know that everything after the “brother’s war” is BS anyway? I bet you’ve never even held a Black Lotus in your hands. For shame.” Wanderer D added.
“You own a Black Lotus?!” Spike asked in awe.
Wanderer D scoffed. “Of course not, but I’ve held one.”
“A Blackwhatnow?” Twilight shook her head. “Nevermind!” She grabbed Wanderer D by the t-shirt and pulled him close. “I will only say this once, weirdo, speak up or suffer my fists!”
“Black Lotus, Twi,” Wanderer D replied evenly, staring at her in the eyes. “And you don’t scare me. Give me your best Stare, Fluttershy. We’ll see how intimidating you can be.”
Twilight pushed him back. “How do you know Fluttershy? Are you some sort of stalker?!”
Wanderer D smirked. “Nah, but I was a pony once.”
“Okay, that is weird,” Spike said blinking. “Can we send him away to prison now?”
“Spike, he could be one of Nightmare Moon’s followers!” Twilight said. “We cannot risk it.”
“Wait! Wait, hold on,” Wanderer D interrupted. “Nightmare Moon? For real? Seriously? And she’s a human, right?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow and nodded slowly.
“Oh Celestia, Discord, Luna and Chrysalis...” Wanderer D tried to face-palm but only achieved tilting over and falling on his side, face first. “...ouch.”
After they had straightened him out, he looked at the pair. “Okay, let me get this straight... there is a Celestia here, right?”
Twilight nodded.
“And you are friends with Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Pinkie Pie, right?”
A slower nod.
“And... Spike is... your... uh... adopted brother?”
“How did yo–” Spike was interrupted by Twilight’s hand covering his mouth.
“And... Nightmare Moon came back and Celestia is gone?”
Another nod.
“Why is this all so ridiculously stupid?” Wanderer D asked. “Are they all really called that? Or are they nicknames?”
Twilight gritted her teeth. “Their parents come from the same hippie commune as mine.”
“Riight,” Wanderer D said. “And how do you explain Celestia being called Princess Celestia?”
“She was the leader of the commune until she became the principal of our high school,” Twilight replied, frowning.
“Bringing a whole new meaning to the “high” part of that title, no doubt. And Nightmare Moon was kicked out of that commune and came back because...”
“She wanted to smoke at night and Celestia and the others had enough during the day, so by night time they were too high to actually smoke anything else. Nightmare Moon left to start her own commune who would only smoke pot at night and swore to come back and get revenge... and she did! Somehow Celestia disappeared and now Nightmare Moon is the principal! Only I and my friends stand in her way!”
“Only my friends and I,” Wanderer D corrected.
“What?”
“You said it wrong, speak properly,” Wanderer D replied.
“Geez you sound like a bookworm,” Twilight scoffed.
Wanderer D blinked slowly. “Wait, you’re not a bookworm?”
Spike burst out laughing so hard he fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. “Twilight? Read a book? HAH! Priceless!”
“I have no time for books!” Twilight said, kicking her adoptive brother. “I am the fastest runner of Ponyville High!”
“So... not only are you not pony, you’ve no magic and you’re so OOC you sound like Rainbow Dash. Got it. If I ever meet the author that thought this up in person I am going to break his neck.”
“What is your problem!?” Twilight snapped back.
“My problem? You really want to know?” Wanderer D spat. “My problem is that I’m trapped in a crossover of Utena and MLP:FIM directed by Wolfgang Petersen.”
“Wolfgang Petersen?” Twilight blinked. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He took the gods out of the Illiad in his mediocre movie version of it!” Wanderer D snapped. “The gods! He took out the gods! He missed the whole point of the thing! And that is exactly what is happening with you! Whoever conjured up this whole set-up and took everything that made you you and special is missing the Celestia-damned point!”
“Okay mister, I don’t know what you’ve been smoking but–”
“I mean, just listen to yourself! All your friends were born in the same hippie commune headed by Celestia? Luna- I mean, Nightmare Moon, Celestia’s twisted sister is the evil principal of your school ? And she also came from the same hippie commune ! You have to act against her... or what? Are you not going to graduate? Will you only be allowed to smoke pot at night? What could she possibly do that is so bad to you?”
“I- I don’t know! She did something to Celestia!” Twilight snapped.
“She probably sent her to rehab!” Wanderer D retorted. “This is so completely stupid that it gives me physical pain! This whole world of yours is retarded!”
“Hey, we don’t say that word in this household!” Spike spoke up. “Imagine what would happen if De–”
“Shut up, kid, Derpy is not mentally challenged. She’s just muffin obsessed and I bet that’s because of the weed in the muffins.” Wanderer D snorted.
“Wait... did you say Nightmare Moon is Celestia’s sister?” Twilight asked after a moment.
“Okay... it took you long enough; listen sweetheart, why don’t you call your friends. I’m sure one of them has a brain between their ears.”
“Oh, that would be Applejack!” Spike said. “She almost never comes out since she’s reading one book or another.”
“Applejack.” Wanderer D repeated. “You are joking. Surely you jest.”
“Nope! She’s our local egghead!” Twilight Sparkle remarked as she pulled out a cell phone and started dialing.
Wanderer D turned to Spike, “Okay kid, give me the rundown, Twilight is a sporty brat, Applejack actually knows how to read, what about Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie?”
Spike blinked. “Well, Fluttershy works at the local factory full-time since Principal Moon kicked her out for fighting, she’s pretty competitive with Twilight... uh, Rarity works half-time at the bakery. Rainbow Dash is wherever there’s a party and Pinkie Pie helps out at the local convent, since she likes the peace and quiet.”
With each comment Wanderer D’s head lowered down a little more. “The moron that created this universe didn’t even watch the series, did he?” he muttered.
“Well, I’ve called them over,” Twilight said with a glint in her eyes. “Now, you’d better have a good story to tell buddy or I’ll–”
At that moment the door was kicked open and a young man stumbled in in the process of kissing and fondling a long-haired girl with a strangely familiar color scheme who had her legs firmly wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck and shoulders. The pair slammed against the wall and kept on kissing and moaning until, as if struck by lightning, they stopped and opened their eyes, looking in horror at the scene before them.
Twilight was leaning, face really close to an unknown man, wearing only Twilight’s bathrobe, that had been tied to a chair, while Spike held a camera and a bat.
The group started at each other in surprise and horror.
“By John Joseco’s beard...” Wanderer D whispered. “Is that... Cadence?”
“Shining Armor!?” Twilight gasped, losing her balance and falling, face first, into Wanderer D’s lap.
“Twilight?!” Shining Armor screeched, removing his hands from Cadence’s butt so quickly he left skid marks. “What’s going on here?!”
“You’re banging my babysitter?!”
“You still need a babysitter?” Wanderer D asked.
“You’re into bondage, Twilight?” Cadence asked, more intrigued than scandalized.
Spike sighed and looked at you . “Sure, never mind how I got a camera and a bat in my hands in the first place. But who cares about Spike?”
“Hey, Shiny, can you tell your sister to get her face off my lap? I’m really not into sporty types and even less so into wildly OOC parodies.” Wanderer D called.
“Oh, shut up!” Twilight snapped, pushing herself back up. “It was an accident and you know it!”
“An accident?” Wanderer D raised an eyebrow. “Really? Are you sure? Didn’t you just invite your friends for a “group thing” just a moment ago? Too bad Shiny arrived, right?” He then turned to look at Shining Armor and Cadence, who were still in each other’s arms, with the girl pressed against the wall. “As for you two... I hate to say it, but she’s really cute. Go have fun, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes,” Twilight growled. “Go bang my ex-babysitter, we have business here to attend to.”
“Um... right,” Shining Armor placed his hands on Cadence’s butt and lifted her up a bit as he carried her upstairs.
Twilight’s mouth opened up but no sound came out.
“Well, really, Twilight, can you blame them?” Wanderer D asked. “You just gave them your blessing and Cadence is a sweet piece of ass... for a human.”
Twilight shook her head and glared at him. “What is it with you and this ‘human’ thing?
“It’s a long and complicated story, and frankly, in just about any other world I would tell you about it, but here you got shafted in the brain department.” Wanderer D replied.
“Oh, now you’re getting it!” Twilight growled ready to punch Wanderer D in the face.
The doorbell ringing saved her from having to wash her hands later, and Wanderer D from having a bloody, broken nose.
“Awrite! is anyain haem? Ah speart a' fowk tae come ower as suin as Ah coods!” A voice called from the outside as the door opened once again. “Twilecht? is everythin' okay?”
Wanderer D turned to look at Spike. “What the fuuuuu–”
He never ended the sentence as a beautiful long haired beauty stepped in wearing an apron covered in flour. Her blue eyes scanned the house quickly until they settled on them. “Och! thaur ye ur! Who's th' bloke that's tied tae th' chair? Anyway, Ah brooght tablit, anyain caur fur some?”
Wanderer D’s eyebrow twitched. “What’s with the accent?” he asked Spike.
“Hm? Oh! Rarity speaks with a Scottish accent. We don’t know why, since her parents are Jewish.”
“But... that doesn’t even sound ‘Scottish! It’s worse than when people say she has a ‘British’ accent!” He turned to glare at the sky. “Are you insane?!”
“Oi, wa is thes bloke screamin' at th' lift?” Rarity asked Twilight, who proceeded to kick Wanderer D in the stomach.
The misplaced non-pony-who-was-a-pony-but-wasn’t-really fell back.
“Hey! Twilight! Don’t do that!” Spike shouted, hastily hurrying to put the chair (and Wanderer D) back up. “Remember what happened when you kicked the last person we tied up? We had to buy new chairs with our allowance!”
“Th' bairn is reit, Twilecht. Ye cooldnae gang tae th' movies wi' us either,” Rarity added. She put the tablet down and cleaned her hands on her apron. “Th' others shoods be haur suin.”
As if invoked by Rarity’s words, the doorbell rang again just before the door opened and a girl with short, pink hair, black leather jacket, spiked, fingerless gloves and wearing steel-tipped motorcycle boots stepped in.
Taking a final drag of her cigarette before using her tongue to extinguish it, she quickly found them with her eyes and walked up to the group.
She leaned down and pushed Wanderer D’s head up by the chin until he was glaring at her eye to eye. She smirked. “Okay, I’m game,” she said. “I want first dibs though... and sloppy seconds. Who’s havin’ him first?”
Wanderer D’s eyes widened like plates.
“We’re not having sex with him, Fluttershy!” Twilight growled.
The streetfighter blinked. “What? Then why does Spike have a bat and a camera?”
Wanderer D whimpered. “I hate, I really hate human worlds.”
“Ah wooldnae min' havin' some fin wi' heem either, Twilecht. Hoo lang dae ye hink afair th' others arrife?” Rarity asked, leaning in to take a closer look at Wanderer D, who didn’t seem to find the human world that annoying at that precise moment. Even if the accent was weird and the personality all wrong.
The bell rang once more and a nun stepped in.
“Och, heel. It's Pinky. Nae a scuttle the-day either.” Rarity sighed, her hands leaving Wanderer D’s body.
Fluttershy snorted. “She needs to get laid, that’ll get her out of the convent fast enough. Feeding little animals, what a loony.”
“Hello everyone,” Pinkie Pie said smiling placidly at the group. “Isn’t it a glorious day the Lord has blessed us with?”
Fluttershy took a glance out the window. Then she spat. On the carpet.
“Eww!” Spike groaned, running to the kitchen for a paper towel.
“Oh, my!” Pinkie gasped delicately as she approached the tied-up Wanderer D. “Twilight, have you been kidnapping hobos again? I’ve told you before, the Lord does not look kindly on those that prey on the weak.”
Wanderer D snorted.
Pinkie Pie lay a calming hand on Wanderer D’s shoulder. And squeezed. Hard. Very hard. “Isn’t that right, Mr. Hobo?”
“D! My name is D!” Wanderer D gasped. “And I’d show the little girl who’s weak if she let me loose instead of kicking me when I’m incapacitated!”
“Oh, you want a piece of me?” Twilight growled. “Fine! I’ll let you loose and–”
“Um... is everything okay here?” a meek voice interrupted, making the whole group turn to stare at the rainbow-haired girl in the summer dress. “I- I’m sorry for interrupting, girls, but, well... Twilight texted me and, and I have to go back to doing my deliveries and...”
Fluttershy walked up to her and slid her arm around her shoulders. “If it isn’t Rainbow Dash,” she grinned. “Nice to join us, sweetie, do you happen to have some cat’s pee on you?”
Rainbow Dash nodded meekly, pulling out a little bag with white crystals in it. “It’s the standard market value,” the girl whispered.
“But I get a discount, right?” Fluttershy said, grabbing the bag and giving Rainbow Dash a wad of money.
“I- I guess..”
Wanderer D groaned. “Why, why, why are things like this? Why was I sent here? Is this punishment for my crimes? Weren’t they content with letting me die a sixth time?! Why do they torture me?! If I still had my horn I would so wreak this place!” he shouted. A pale blue aura seemed to emanate from his head and the whole room shuddered.
They all heard a faint cry from above them. “Ooooh Shiny! I think I could feel my whole world shaking with that one!”
“M-me too!” came the muffled reply.
Fluttershy looked down at the bag. “On second thought–”
“What the hell was that?!” Twilight asked, eyes wide.
“It appears there’s more to Wanderer D than we originally thought,” Applejack said, patting Wanderer D’s head from her position, standing right next to Spike.
“THE FU[Censored]?!”
Applejack blinked, looking around at the terrified group that had jumped several feet away from her. “What?”
“You- why do you do that?!” Fluttershy gasped, pressing the little plastic bag of crack back into Rainbow Dash’s trembling hands.
Applejack shrugged. “Efficiency. Anyway, let’s see... this person, Wanderer D, what’s his deal?”
Twilight shook her head as she approached Applejack. “Spike found him passed out outside our door. He knew my name–”
“You’re not Twilight... not the real one...” Wanderer D mumbled, then grimaced when Twilight kicked his shin.
“...and he keeps talking about how things are wrong and we shouldn’t be humans and other nonsense.”
“I see,” Applejack nodded, taking notes in her Ipad. “Anything else?”
“Well, he seemed to know everyone so far,” Spike spoke up. “But he only seems to know our names. He didn’t know that Twilight was a runner, or that Celestia is the rightful Principal of our school... he also called Twilight a filly.”
“And he said that he had been a pony once,” Twilight added. “And then he said he had died several times before.”
“Aha,” Applejack finished taking notes. “From this information I can only surmise two possibilities. One, that he’s absolutely bat-shit crazy, and two, he’s actually from another dimension. Given how he seemed able to produce some sort of telekinetic pulse, I am leaning more towards both.”
“But... he's actually a pony frae anither dimension whaur we aw exist as ponies an aw? Hoo did 'at happen?” Rarity asked.
“I don’t know,” Applejack stated. “But as personal disciple of Principal Celestia, I will find out!” she swore. “For science!”
“Wait... does that mean I still have my magic?” Wanderer D asked, grinning as he concentrated. Sure enough the ropes tying him down fell down, useless. Wanderer D stood up, laughing. “Mwahahaha! The Power! It’s mine! I shall- oof!”
He bent over and fell to the floor, clutching his stomach.
“And stay down until I say so!” Twilight growled, she turned towards the other girls. “So, what are we doing with him?”
“The most logical thing would be to contact the authorities and have them take him to a lab to be examined,” Applejack stated. “But, that presents its own set of problems. Since he knows us, chances are we would also be taken.”
“We could... kill him and throw him in a ditch somewhere,” Fluttershy suggested with a shrug, taking out a butterfly knife.
Rainbow Dash whimpered behind her, but nodded and took out a .45 semi-auto from her purse.
“Yes... do that,” Wanderer D groaned as he stood up with a helpful hand from Pinkie Pie. “Free me from the misery of being here.”
“Cannae we hae some fin wi' heem? He looks yummy,” Rarity asked.
“And if he was a pony before and he kept his magic... you think he also kept other pony traits?” Fluttershy asked in awe as she lowered her knife and gave Wanderer a considering look.
“You do realize,” Wanderer D said after a moment. “That you are all underage, right? I’m not touching you.”
“Nae we're nae!” Rarity snapped. “We're twintie a body! Perfectly legal an' perfectly able! An' perfectly willin'!”
Wanderer D blinked. “What? Then what the hay are you still doing in High School?!”
All the girls looked down with slightly ashamed expressions.
“Uh... our parents... the hippies?” Twilight said after a moment. “They... tried to home-educate us... it- it didn’t work out.”
Wanderer D nodded. “I see.”
“It was a sad affair,” Applejack said after a moment of awkward silence. “Finding out that our parents had little to no understanding of... well, anything. I have to tell you, I had to study really hard to get to where I am today.”
The others mumbled and nodded.
“So...” Wanderer D started a bit awkwardly. “Uh, if you girls don’t mind, can you tell me what you’re going to do with me?”
While the girls pondered this question, Spike noticed that the hallway mirror had started glowing. This not being a normal thing, he cleared his throat, trying to draw everyone’s attention.
“I say we look at the commune’s documents,” Applejack suggested. “There must be something there about situations like this.”
“Why would there possibly be something like that in there?” Twilight asked.
“Remember how Celestia predicted that W. Bush would be president?” Fluttershy spoke up.
“Yeah, after the fact,” Twilight pointed out. “It’s BS! She just said ‘I told you so’...”
“Are you doubting my teacher, Twilight?” Applejack whispered and the house was suddenly silent.
“Um... n-no,” Twilight stammered.
“Good. Good. We wouldn’t want doubt to cause trouble... would we? ” Applejack smiled sweetly.
“N-no! Of course not!” Twilight chuckled nervously. “Why don’t we...”
“TWILIGHT!” Spike yelled.
“What?!”
“The freaking mirror has been shining for the last five minutes, I’ve been trying to tell you, and you all have been ignoring me!”
There was a collective “Oh.”
Spike brought the offending object to the group.
Twilight grabbed the mirror and shook it. “It’s still glowing.” She glared at Wanderer D. “What did you do to it?”
“I didn’t do anything!” Wanderer protested. “Can I take a look?”
Twilight handed him the mirror. The surface was immediately replaced by a view into a room-full of cartoon ponies. “Wanderer D!” One of them shouted in glee, causing the rest to rush and cram around, trying to take a look.
“Back! Back I say!” Luna shouted, until Trixie, Daring Do and Doctor Whooves stepped away. “Now,” she cleared her throat. “What is it that you’re wearing?”
Wanderer D looked down at himself. “I’m wearing a pink and purple bathrobe. And nothing else. I think I pony-fell into this place and they took me in! But that doesn’t matter, Luna, you have to get me out of here!”
Luna sighed. “We’re working on it, D. Sadly there’s some sort of interference preventing the TARDIS from landing there.” She locked eyes with the human-turned-earth-pony-turned-pegasus-turned-unicorn-turned-alicorn-turned-human. “You have to be careful though, I fear that, although mostly gone, you might still have lingering Mary Sue effects working on you.”
Wanderer D sighed. “Well, there goes the thought that it was my sheer animal magnetism.”
“What?”
“Nothing! I’ll try and control it, or maybe use it to get you girls here. I’m really glad to see all of you, by the way!”
Luna was pushed out of the way by Trixie, who looked at Wanderer D with big, teary eyes. “Trixie thought she had lost you again!” she sniffed. “For real, this time! Trixie wants you back here with her!”
This drew an ‘aaaaaaaw’ from most of the girls, and a disgusted snort from Fluttershy.
Wanderer D’s eyes watered. “Trixie...”
“Just so Trixie can kill you!” Trixie snapped. “How dare you make Trixie suffer again? What kind of imbecile kills himself with two katanas?! Oh, wait, Trixie knows! The ‘Wanderer D’ kind of idiot! When Trixie gets her hooves on you, you’re so getting it!”
Wanderer D turned the mirror around and slowly put it down. “Okay,” he said, turning to look at the gathered girls. “Apparently I won’t be taken home for a while yet. And if the TARDIS cannot land here, it usually means there’s something that needs to happen... so. Is there any big event about to take place?”
The girls thought for a moment. “Well...” Applejack said after a moment. “Starswirl the Bearded wrote down a prophecy foretelling the dethroning of Nightmare Moon.”
“Wait, an ancient mystic from ages past, made a prophecy about debunking your school principal? Like, in the middle ages or something?” Wanderer D asked.
“Well, he’s old, but he’s not ancient!” Twilight snorted. “He lives just down the street. He’s cru-hay-zee.”
“Twilecht! He's yer grandfaither! Shaw some respect fur th' auld rockit. Shure, he rrrambles a lot an' has a shotgin, but that's nae reason tae caa heem a bampot!” Rarity gasped, clearly irritated.
“What?” Wanderer D asked.
“She says Twilight should show some respect for her grandfather, even if he’s crazy.” Spike provided.
“Thanks Spike,” Wanderer D said, nodding in gratitude. “It almost makes me regret not using you more often in stories instead of simply ignoring you.”
“You’re... welcome?”
“Anyway,” Applejack cleared her throat. “The prophecy goes like this:
*hic* One o’ these days some *burp* idjit will drop by an’ shoot th’ bieatch in th’ ‘ead. *hic* ”
Wanderer D frowned. “Your definition of ‘prophecy’ leaves much to be desired.”
“Hey, it was Princess Celestia that called it a prophecy,” Applejack said, lifting her hands in a pacifying motion. “I personally think they’re just the ramblings of an old man suffering from a series of psychological problems and the result of too many drugs when he was young.”
Wanderer D sighed. “And that’s all we have to go on with? Seriously?”
“Geez, what the hell else do you need?” Fluttershy growled. “Nightmare Moon offed Princess Celestia and took her place as the school’s Principal! She has a personal vendetta against us!”
“What, trying to get a bunch of young women out of high school? Gee, I can certainly see why you would be offended!”
o.0.o
Wanderer D woke up when he was hit with a bucket full of water.
“Fluttershy! You’re supposed to throw the water on his face! Not the bucket with the water!”
“I’ll try to remember that next time,” Fluttershy shrugged. “Anyway, it’s not like that will do much more damage after the pummelling you all gave him.”
“Ye ken we're aw terribly sensitife abit 'at, Fluttershy! Thaur was naethin' else tae dae than voice uir displeasure. Wi' uir fists.” Rarity crunched out.
“W-what happened?” Wanderer D asked.
“Let’s keep it simple,” Twilight growled, palming the baseball bat. “Don’t mention us still being in high school, and you will not need to wake up with a bucket full of water in your face.”
“Or, if you’re lucky, just the water,” Pinkie Pie interjected helpfully.
“Anyway, we’ve decided that since you clearly have supernatural powers given to you by cartoon ponies, you will lead us to victory against Nightmare Moon.” Applejack supplied.
“That... makes sense, I guess,” Wanderer D said, wincing as he slowly stood up. “Now, is there any chance that I could get some clothes?”
Twilight sighed. “Sure. I think some of Shining Armor’s old clothes will fit you. You’re skinnier than he is, so they might be a bit big.”
Wanderer D rolled his eyes as Twilight left, only to return a minute later with said clothes. “Here,” she sighed, dropping them next to the tub.
“Are you going to give me some privacy?” Wanderer D asked as he grabbed a towel to start drying himself up.
“Nope,” Fluttershy grinned, grabbing Rainbow Dash’s belt to prevent her from walking out. “We’re staying here. We don’t trust you to not try to escape.”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Okay then.”
He took off the robe.
o.0.o End Chapter o.0.o
In the next WD: THiEE :
“Why are you all girls all blushing like that?”
“Wait... you mean this is what we needed?!”
“I will deal with you FOALS!”
“Why do you call them foals? Is that some sort of speech impediment? Can’t you just say ‘fools’ like any other normal human ?”
The Final Chapter (Finally)
Wanderer D floated placidly face-down in Humanized!Twilight’s tub.
When he was about to finally drown, some sort of magical aura enveloped his body and he was suddenly floating, upside down on top of it, and blinking in confusion at the creature in front of him.
It looked well… like a hobo. And Wanderer would have been a less confused if he wasn’t sure Twilight most likely had no spaced-out-looking hobos in her house. Unless that was her dad.
Wait.
That explained a lot, actually.
“Um, hi, Mr. Sparkle!” Wanderer D smiled uneasily. “I’m sure you might be confused as to why I’m naked in your tub but—”
“!rehtaf s’elkrapS thgiliwT ton ma I” The hobo announced. “!sdanoG ehT fo emaG eht ni eceip ssehc ym eb ot uoy nesohc evah I dna EmanyxorpdogmodnaR ma I”
“I see.” Wanderer D considered the hobo in front of him. “So, how did you get in here, and, did Twilight already call the police?”
“.detropelet I dnA .t’nsah ehs ,on dnA .em ot egnellahc yna fo eb dluow dlrow siht fo ecilop eht fi sA”
“Okay, well then, Mr. Hobo, I’ll put on my clothes and get going, I really don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary an—”
“!ecneliS” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR looked at Wanderer D with a wicked grin that showcased his yellow-green teeth. “!emag ym fo noitarud eht rof esuba yllauxes ot namuh modnar a fo pihsrenwo ekat lliw uoy neht dna uoy ezingocer ot seinop teg ot rovaedne ekil-wohs a ni etapicitrap ot teg osla lliw uoy dna ,renniw a eb ot flesruoy gnimialc elihw elbissop sa serutaerc ynam sa htiw etalupoc lliw uoy ereht ecnO !gnisoohc ym fo epahs a ni airtseuqE fo dnal eht ot uoy dnes lliw I”
“I think I lost you at the beginning of the conversation, but it sounds to me like you want to send me to a ‘verse’.” Wanderer D frowned. “That’s not very nice.”
“—netsil ,woN”
“No, you listen!” Wanderer D said pointing an accusing (and still dripping) finger at the hobo. “I don’t care what sort of sick game you want to play, but you have no authority to randomly copy someone else’s plot device and s—”
With a puff, he was gone.
“.gnibrutsid adnik saw dekan gnieb mih ,hE” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR said, shrugging. With another puff, he was also gone.
o.0.o
“Oo-er, missus, I'm gettin' a tinglin' in me Berlin Walls!” Arcainum exclaimed, using a giant fork to poke Wanderer D. “That Lilian Gish is a right fine piece!”
“Too right, guvnor!” Blueshift agreed, downing his pint in one go. “Get a pint of easy rider down yer and we’ll have ourselves some scran!”
“Oi, leave some bevvies for me, yer nob'eads!” BrianBlessedPony called, kicking down the door to the pub. “And turn on the kickabout, the Gunners are playing Spurs tonight!”
“No! Please! Don’t eat me!” Wanderer D shouted, flapping his fins around in desperation, eyes wide and staring in two opposite directions.
“Oh, man,” he groaned, wiping his forehead. “That was some wierd dr—”
He had fins.
And scales.
And a tail.
And he was breathing underwater.
“Well… that’s unusual.”
“!hsif sselniarb rehto eht lla ekilnu gnieb gnikniht a er’uoy taht evorp osla tub ,ynop a ecudes ylno ton ot evah uoy ,hsif a sa ,woN !sraeb eht gnideef spahrep tub gnihton rof doog ,serutaerc sselniarb yletelpmoc era hsif kniht seinop ,airtseuqE nI !mrof wen ruoy ot ,eb-ot-evals-xes-eceip-ssehc ym ,emocleW” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR said, suddenly right there, next to Wanderer D Fish.
“But fish are brainless creatures without self-cognizance!” Wanderer D complained. “And how do you expect me to seduce anything when I am officially a trout!? I can’t even get out of the water! What are you doing!?”
“.looc gnihtemos ro sruatonim ro sedahs ro suuqenocard gniod saw esle enoyrevE ?yako ,lanigiro dna euqinu eb ot detnaw I esuaceb detasnepmoc-revo evah thgim …I” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR muttered.
“Well, that still doesn’t solve my problem.” Wanderer D swam around EmanyxorpdogmodnaR. “If you toss me out of the water, I die. And I guess I win and you lose. And even if you make it so I won’t die by exposing myself to the air and dryness, what do you expect me to do? Flop around trying to communicate like a story written by FelixD—”
“!smra dnA !sgel uoy evig llahs I”
“Great,” Wanderer D muttered, looking at the very human-looking legs (with feet) and arms (with hands) protruding out of his scaly body. “Now I look like that guy from Slayers.”
“—n od ot deen uoy tahw ,neht lleW”
“Hold on!” Wanderer D held up a hand. Which was very weird, because he was a fish. “You’re giving me a headache by talking backwards. Seriously. I know you want to be original, like so many authors out there that want to be original so they throw in some quirk that ends up being more annoying than a character trait.”
“Aww, but I was having fun!” RandomgodproxynamE whimpered. “Besides, eccentric villains are totally a trope!”
“A trope is only a trope IF you use it correctly. Otherwise, it’s just stupid.”
RandomgodproxynamE pouted. “I still chose you to represent me here.”
“Okay,” Wanderer D sighed, setting off a little trail of bubbles that sped up and away. “Who are you playing against?”
“Uh… noone.” RandomgodproxynamE grinned sheepishly. “But I’m hoping that other demi-gods will kick in when they get the chance and see how you do!”
“So… this is just you trying to get attention by creating something that depends on others chipping in?” Wanderer D summarized, rolling his fish eyes.
“Yes. And I don’t care because I have no self-esteem, shame, or aspirations,” RandomgodproxynamE declared. “You still have to do as I say if you want to be human again!”
“But I don’t want to be human again,” Wanderer D stated.
“So you se—you don’t?”
“Nope. I just want to go back to Luna, Trixie and Daring, my friend the Doc and see Discord date Celestia. Preferably as a unicorn. No extra powers. No weird things. Just me.”
“Well, if you want to do that you have to at least seduce at least one mare!” RandomgodproxynamE insisted.
“It would be easier if I was just myself! Even as a human!”
“Well, true,” RandomgodproxynamE acknowledged. “But then that wouldn’t inspire others to try even more wacky transformations.”
“I am a bluefin tuna-sized fish with arms and legs,” Wanderer D pointed out. “How do you expect any of your friends to find something more wacky.”
“Oh, it can be done!”
“Doesn’t mean it should be.” Wanderer D swam around, trying to figure a way to get through to RandomgodproxynamE. “Look, I know you’re trying to be original, but you’re doing stuff that has been done before. By many others. And just as poorly.”
RandomgodproxynamE huffed. “I already told you, you have to seduce a mare.”
Wanderer D rolled his eyes. “And how, pray tell, will I do that?”
RandomgodproxynamE shrugged. “You’ll have to be… a ninja of love. Silently striking at her heart.”
“A ninja of love.”
RandomgodproxynamE nodded.
“You know what, fine, I’ll do it just so you shut the hell up, because your pretentious whining is so grating you’d give Kage a run for his money.”
“Who?”
“Someone. So, where am I and where can I find a female to seduce?”
“You’re in Canterlot,” RandomgodproxynamE said, looking up at the circular area of light above them. “In a fountain.”
Wanderer D blinked. “That’s one deep fountain.”
“It is,” RandomgodproxynamE agreed. “And I must give you a warning: You may not tell others that you’re a human. Ponies hate humans! They think they are creatures without thought or sentience and are nothing but slaves!”
Wanderer D’s eyes narrowed. “That’s beyond stupid. And you should stop it. Now.”
RandomgodproxynamE rolled his eyes. “Well, did you want me to dress you up as Commander Shepard or some random hero or villain and throw you out there so you can simply destroy Equestria?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Hey, as long as it was fem!Shepard I have no complaints.”
RandomgodproxynamE gaped. “But I thought you hated ALL humanized in Equestria!”
“Meh, F*** it. I’d be having fun.”
o.0.o
Twilight Sparkle hung, upside down next to Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie, pressed against the wall of living room while four ponies, including a unicorn, a pegasus, a relatively-normal-looking pony and a winged and horned pony looked around.
“Well then,” the winged and horned pony spoke up. “Where is Wanderer D?”
“You know?” Fluttershy frowned. “That blue cretin sounds almost like Principal Nightmare Moon.”
Luna blinked. “I- your school principal is Nightmare Moon?”
The girls nodded.
“What could she possibly do that would be so evil? Make you repeat a grade?”
“We get no respect,” Rainbow Dash muttered.
“Trixie has felt traces of energy. Wanderer D was here recently.” Trixie announced. “Trixie also found a tub full of water and two humans rutting.”
Luna nodded. “Where is Daring?”
“She stayed to watch,” Trixie said, rolling her eyes. “She said that it was a good subject to study for future reference.”
“And the humans?”
Trixie shrugged. “The one called ‘Shiny’—”
“Shining.” Twilight corrected.
“Him. It seemed to encourage him.”
“I see.” Luna considered the stairs before shaking her head. “We need to focus. Where is Discord?”
“I’m here auntie Lulu!” Discord said, uncoiling himself from Fluttershy’s leather jacket.
“Discord.” Luna sighed and shook her head. “Don’t call me ‘auntie’. You’re older than I am.”
“But if you’re dating my dad, and I’m dating your sister, what does that make us?” Discord asked.
“Very messed up,” Applejack stated.
“Oh, hush you.” Luna turned her attention back to them. “What did you do with Wanderer D?”
Rainbowdash mumbled something.
“Pardon me, young one, I couldn’t hear you.”
Rainbow Dash shrunk into herself and muttered something again.
“I’m sorry, what?” Luna leaned forward.
“I-I said we knocked him unconscious and threw him into the bathtub.”
“I see.” Luna glanced at her companions.
Doctor Whooves and Trixie took off to the bathroom, while the girls smiled nervously at Luna, who was not smiling back.
“Aw, don’t be angry, auntie,” Discord chuckled. “I’m sure that whatever the reason they had for it, dad totally deserved it.”
Luna closed her eyes and sighed. “I know.”
Everyone’s eyes turned to the stairs when Daring and Trixie galloped into the room. “He’s gone!”
Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Take me there.”
o.0.o
“Hmm…” Discord stroked his beard as he gazed intently at the bath curtains.
“Well?” Trixie asked impatiently.
“Hmm…” Discord looked up and down the curtain. “Don’t you think this would look better if it was made of taffy and had spaceships attached to it?”
“Discord,” Luna growled. “We’re looking for Wanderer D.”
“Oh, yes, dad.” Discord cleared his throat. “It seems that he was taken by some sort of minor deity, probably the sprout of a malnourished and illiterate imagination. Far worse than the usual absence of it.”
Luna frowned. “Aren’t you being a little overly critical of something’s imagination and brain prowess?”
Discord shook his head. “No auntie, believe me, as the incarnation of chaos, nothing is more insulting to me than predictably lame storylines and pretentious abuse of godly names to excuse blatant rehashing of the same formula.”
Luna remained quiet for a moment. “You sound like Wanderer.”
Discord grinned. “He’s my dad. Accidentally.”
“Right. I keep being reminded of that.”
“Well, how does this help us?” Daring Do asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well.” Discord hummed. “If my guess is correct, dad is already in Equestria.”
The ponies face-hoofed.
o.0.o
Wanderer D poked his trouty head out of the water. It was nighttime in Canterlot, and few ponies were around. Slowly, he emerged from the water, eyes staring in different directions.
“Right.” Wanderer D stepped out of the fountain, letting water drip down to the floor. “Now I must find a mare to swoon.”
Sadly, the streets were so empty it was almost impossible to even see a pony travelling alone, much less a mare, and one not belonging to the guard.
Wanderer D stared with one eye at the guardmare.
She stared back with both.
Wanderer D slowly turned around so both his eyes could focus on the mare. It felt like he was going crosseyed.
They stared in silence at each other for a few more minutes.
Eventually, Wanderer smiled. “H-hey, what is a nice mare like you doing around a-um… fountain… like this?”
The mare stared.
“Uh, can I buy you a drink?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the mare shouted, stepping back, eyes wide, irises the size of pinpricks.
“AAAAAAAAAAH!” Wanderer D responded smartly, arms flapping fruitlessly at his sides.
The pair stopped and stared at each other again.
“Look,” Wanderer D said slowly. “We clearly got off on the wrong foot. Um. Hoof. Flipper. Anyway, I’ll pretend that I did not try to ask you out, and you’ll pretend you never saw a tuna with arms and legs emerge from the fountain to invite you to the nearest bar. Deal?”
The mare nodded slowly.
“Well then.” Wanderer D nodded. “I’ll be on my way.”
The mare nodded again, watching as the giant tuna walked away and into one of the many dark streets.
“I’m never hitting the salt like this again,” she muttered, turning around and stumbling her way towards home.
o.0.o
Wanderer D stumbled away from the lamppost he had slammed into.
“Stupid opposite-direction-al-y eyes.” He stopped and tried to shake his head, but only succeeded in shaking his whole body. “Stupid fish body.”
“You can’t do this to us!” a sophisticated-sounding voice yelled from somewhere further down the alley he was standing in.
“Yeah! Who do you think you are!?” another voice seconded.
“Ah’m the owner of the damned club!” A decidedly male voice responded. “And your act is over!”
“B-but! It’s a completely new genre of music!” The sophisticated voice argued. “We finally managed to combine classical music with electronic in perfect synergy! We hired a choir of Celestia’s Monks to chant in ancient Equestrian along with the lyrics!”
“We even had a name!” the other voice insisted. “This new genre will be called Monumental Dance! It will be epic! You can’t say no to this! You’d be the first to showcase it!”
“You two don’t even have a name for your little group!”
“We do!” the less sophisticated voice said urgently. “We were going to call ourselves “Nominare!”
“What does that mean?”
“It means ‘to name’,” the sophisticated female voice replied.
“That’s not a real name! Come back when you have one!” the male insisted, and his order was punctuated by the sound of a door slamming.
Wanderer D had followed the voices up to a dimly lit back door in the alley, where none other than Octavia and Vinyl Scratch themselves had been kicked out for starting the equestrian version of E Nomine .
Vinyl frowned. “It smells fishy.”
“Well, that could’ve gone better,” Wanderer muttered.
The two mares immediately twirled in place, facing in his direction. Seemed like they both had very good ears.
“Who’s there?” Vinyl called. “We know you’re there!”
“Come on out!” Octavia agreed. “We don’t appreciate snooping!”
“That means we don’t like somepony spying on us!”
“I got it,” Wanderer D muttered, stepping into the light in all his fishy glory. “I know what ‘snooping’ means, thank you very much.”
The two mares stared at him for a moment before Vinyl Scratch started laughing. “Dude! You’re totally a fish!”
“Ha. Ha.” Wanderer D’s eyes rolled. “And you’re exactly as the fandom portrays you, how quaint.”
Vinyl stopped laughing and glared at Wanderer D. “Tavi,” she growled. “Was I insulted? It feels like I was insulted.”
“I do not know what he meant by ‘fandom’ but the tone was clearly derogatory.” Octavia nodded.
Vinyl looked back at her. “What?”
“Yes, Vinyl.” Octavia sighed. “He was trying to insult you.”
“Next thing I know you both studied psychology in the same university, right? Somehow you ended up dating after a Goodwill Hunting -like psychological intervention where you realized you had to outgrow Octavia’s evil mother, right?”
Octavia snorted. “Vinyl studying psychology? That’s rich! She barely graduated as an electronics associate. The extra homework would have done her in!”
“Besides!” Vinyl added, bumping her nose just above Wanderer’s mouth. “What do you know about education, fishhead?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Only that a Master’s in Literature sucks when it comes to finding a job that is not teaching.”
Vinyl turned to look at Octavia. “Hey, he’s an egghead like you.”
“Says the one that studied wavelengths and can build a subwoofer from scratch,” Wanderer D retorted.
Vinyl was silent for a while. “Do fish drink?”
“All the time,” Wanderer D deadpanned.
Octavia’s lip quivered into a small grin.
“Ha.” Vinyl’s ‘pat’ on Wanderer D’s back almost bowled him over. “Listen fishface, I like your attitude, although it’s clear to me you’re acting tough to compensate for being well, a fish. How about you join me and Tavi here for some drinks?”
Wanderer D frowned. “Why do I think this is a little too convenient? Am I still a Mary Sue?”
Octavia’s eyebrow rose an inch. “Somehow I don’t think ‘Mary’ fits you.”
“It doesn’t fit any self-respecting character,” Wanderer D stated and looked down at himself. “And right now my self-respect is down in the gutters, so I am worried.”
“Look, the way I see it, Tavi and I got our gig destroyed, and you have a fish face.” Vinyl started pacing in front of the other two. “So, since we can’t do anything about it right now, we should all get drunk.”
Wanderer D and Octavia looked at each other.
“Well,” Wanderer D said, grinning at Octavia. “I think she makes a very fair point. Besides, maybe after a few drinks I won’t be sober enough to look at the mirror and see a fish.”
The trio started walking and Vinyl grinned. “Aw, it’s not too bad, fishy—”
“The name’s Wanderer D,” Wanderer D interrupted.
“Wandyfish. Fishy D. Whatever,” Vinyl giggled. “The point I’m trying to make is, you can look at the same time to either side of you right?”
Wanderer D shrugged. “Yes?”
“Well then,” Vinyl wagged her eyebrows up and down. “Why look at your fish face when you can keep an eye on the two hot mares with you?”
“Okay, now I know for sure I’m an MS character,” Wanderer D groaned. “Things shouldn’t be this easy.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Octavia spoke up. “I don’t share Vinyl’s random interest in sea ponies.”
Wanderer D smiled. “Thank the gods.”
“But you do have a pretty interesting accent…” Octavia said, lowering her head just a little bit enough for her mane to fall in front of her eye. “How did you get it?”
o.0.o
“It’s not fair!” RandomgodproxynamE exclaimed.
Wanderer D groaned and lifted a hoof to his head. “Shut up! You’re talking too loud!”
“You got them drunk and seduced them!” RandomgodproxynamE whined. “That’s not fair!”
Wanderer D looked down at the two mares currently hugging him, snoring softly and—in Vinyl’s case—drooling cutely. He blinked and smiled slowly as details from the last night came back to him. “It was a good night. I’m glad I had seduced them enough halfway through the seventh round. I think the fish thing might’ve been a bit too much even with that amount of alcohol.”
“But! You cheated!”
“I did not!” Wanderer D complained. “You’re the one that turned me into a trout and left me with mary-sue like powers! What did you expect would happen?”
“Character development! Drama! Love triangles! You being in a life-or-death situation that keeps the audiences at the edge of their seats!”
Wanderer D shook his head. “Sorry bro, but you don’t get that with shity writting unless you’re anony—”
“But this is not writing!”
“It’s the same principle, RandomgodproxynamE,” Wanderer D said, shrugging. “A crappy idea like what you did should be done with in less than 5k words of writing, or if it’s happening, one night with Mary Sue powers is more than enough to solve any half-assed quest you barely planned.”
“But—”
“Nothing! Go away. Seriously. Turn human and write this crap. I bet there’s plenty of people that will jump into the bandwagon just for shits and giggles. But I’m done.”
RandomgodproxynamE stared at Wanderer D for a full minute before sniffing. “I’m gonna make a youtube video complaining about you! I’ll post threads in 4chan saying how bad you are! I hate you!”
Wanderer D laid back in bed, snuggling up to the two mares. “Close the door on the way out.”
With a ‘poof’ the nagging creature was gone and Wanderer D smiled. He was about to close his eyes when a light around his flank drew his attention down to it. He stared at his new Cutie Mark for a moment. "A Ban Hammer." He grinned. "Poultron would be proud."
He was about to close his eyes when a whirring sound filled the whole apartment, finally waking up both mares next to him.
“What’s going on?!” Vinyl called over the noise.
A police phone booth materialized in the middle of their living room, it’s doors opening to reveal a group of very irritated mares, and a wildly grinning Discord.
“Wanderer D,” Luna spoke, glancing at the mares in bed, who were both trying to bow and cower at the same time. “You have acquired two more lovers?”
Wanderer D grinned. “Um, Luna, this is Octavia… and this is Vinyl Scratch. They’re musicians. And they drink a lot more than I do.”
Luna glanced at them. “Very well, they shall join our herd. Come on, all of you. We’re off to the castle.”
Vinyl and Octavia walked into the TARDIS a bit dubiously.
“Why the castle?” Octavia finally asked.
“We need to all get married.” Luna declared. “Wanderer is back to his unicorn form, which is pleasing to all of us.” She smiled. “I have ensured that he has kept one single Mary Sue ability while discarding all others.”
Trixie frowned. “And what ability would that be?”
“Godly Stamina.”
Wanderer D cringed. “Um… okay. Uh… before we do that, I have a single request.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “And what would that be, husband?”
“Can I see my own funeral?” Wanderer D grinned. “I heard it was interesting.”
o.0.oThe End (Finally!)o.0.o
Author's Note
Yeah, I know. Not a worthy ending for a year or so of waiting, right? But, I’ve wanted to finish this for a while so, I finally have put a cap on it. No more updates for WD: THiEE! Woo! I’m sure I’ll keep dying regardless, but this time it won’t be chronicled.
Also, all random references to people, groups and stories that appear in this chapter are all purely on purpose.
Oh, and this is completely unedited.
~WD
