What Did I Do Now?

by Hillbe

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity, Romance, Sex
Length: 8656

Spike just has the worst luck can the Cutie Marked Crusaders help or finish him?

Spike has the worst luck can the Cutie Marked Crusaders help or finish him?
Rarity just has too much stress today and Spike isn't making it any easier and neither are the CMC
can they really help? Or finish Spike before he's started?

(Not too racy bath tub scene rather immature humor maybe?)

Published 2015-11-13 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-31 17:29:50 UTC

What Did I Do Now?

What Did I Do Now?

"Well that sure didn't go the way I thought it would" Spike muttered under his breath his shoulders slumped down his claws dragging across the varnished wood as he exited across the threshhold of the Carousel Boutique, leaving the door ajar he could hear Rarity crying.

He replayed the event in his mind over and over again with each scene was another comment after the dragons accidental sneeze . "Great going Casanova way to impress a lady, Torching all her stuff" Spikey lamented as Rarity bawled "Spike! I can't believe . . . HOW COULD YOU!"

"All this week for nothing" he muttered as Rarity continued "What where you thinking?"

"I'll never get another chance" Spike grumbled sadly as her flood gates opened "Whaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"Way to lover boy" could his luck get any worse?. "Just Go Spike just go". "I'm so stupid".
Her bawling continued "Waaaaa Waaaaaaaa Waaaaa"

His journey continued unopposed passing ponies shopping, laughing and carrying on as usual on a wonderful sunny day.
Spikes mood like a black cloud hovered over him following him where ever he went. . . wait on second thought it was a cloud. His mood was so soured that with every breath he puffed out came a small bit of sulfurous smoke,
He was not a happy horny dragon at all.

"Hi Spike" Sweetie Belle waved and called to the despondent drake but he continued on his trek his head hung low.

"Spike?" "Hello" Sweetie saw what she need to do and galloped off to get her big sister "Rarity will know what to do!"
Spike paused in front of the crystal castle of doom its crystal blue color was cold its massive ramparts devoid of warmth,
devoid of Princess Twilight and her staff , The whole crew in training in Canterlot till next week, His home totally vacant, perfect. He blew a raspberry as he closed the door its echo continued mocking him as his claws tic tacked across the floors.

_______________,,,_,,,____,,_,,_____________,,,__,,,_,,_,,_________________

Some of his anger was spent on the walk back home, A now a giant empty home with only a kitchen and an ice box with
a freezer stocked with ice cream - vanilla oat swirl flavored ice cream her favorite! Hers! His lonely void became worse.
He grabbed the carton, dragged out his spoon (A weapon of fat destruction) and moped to the bathroom.
He grabbed the knobs and turned them hard left for maximum hot. That mare's going to drive me crazy!

After adding the bubble bath and a hint of soap he laid out scented candles after all if you want to wallow in self pity why not wallow in classy fru fru pony pity. 'Tease tease tease ! That crazy mare's driving me to the nut house'.

He slipped into the suds and wallowed with his ice cream one spoonful at a time. Sadly it didn't last long.
His third spoonful dribbled , He glanced into the carton at his now vanilla oat swirl soup.
It was way less appetizing than the frozen treat of before.

Spikes frustration hit an all time high, Twilight gone, His favorite plushy mane-less and tailless, The Crusaders monkey business, Rarity on the rag all week and finally sending him away - now this ice cream soup,
Not a milk shake not ice cream just a sugary soup!
Spike let out a sorrowful moan. Lit the candles with a gout of flame and descended into the sudsy water.
Smoky bubbles filled the air marking his last known position in that titanic tub going down by the bow.
Life as he knew it sucked. And sucked big time.

OoooooooOoOoooOooooooooOOoO

Crusaders Headquarters Six Months before Spikes ejection 11:31 Hours Zulu

" I'm bored" Scootaloo looked at her flank "So much for these stupid cutie marks".
"Well we can help other ponies with their problems" Sweetie Belle squeaked "But it has to be a real good problem".

"But all the ponies we helped so far dun told us they didn't need our help" Apple Bloom said "And helpin AJ with Animal husbandry doesn't count". Scootaloo looked at Apple Bloom with wide eyes "You're marrying animals on your farm?"

"No silly it's breeding livestock, pigs and cows and Scootaloos !" The Apple farmer said factually as Scoots beamed her a stink eye. "Some Griffin companies need the meat. Ya all know that not all of Equestria are just ponies besides bacon rules! Ever have bacon pan cakes in the mornings? They're Yummy".

"Scootaloo gaged "That so gross! Not the pancakes,I mean all that livestock and stuff bumping uglies allover your farm all the time". "No it's not. it's animal management getting them together in family groups and having timely breeding for a bigger yield in product"."So it's about making families?" Sweetie thought out loud "With out the waste of time? An instant family!" "As far as I can figure" Apple Bloom said "Yep, AJ even has all sorts of books on the subject".

Sweeties hooves clopped excitedly "Oh oh I got a great idea, We can help Spike and my big sister with that husbandry stuff!" "I thought they liked each other already?" Scootaloo blanched "How's this book stuff going to help?"

"My sister's Miss Prissy most of the time and every season she used to go cray cray about stallions. But now on season days she buries herself in her dress work all locked up in her shop" Sweetie smiled a sly smirk "Without her precious scales".

"So what's that got to do about Spike?" Scoots quizzed her.
"Spikes too shy to ask her out on a date and Miss Prissy is too much of a lady to go asking him first" Sweetie said "Wasting lots of time".
"Ya all's got to be kidding me. . ."

......./)>q,p<(.......

00:27 hours after Spikes ejection , Carousel Boutique

Sweetie Belle scampered into the boutique. A sobbing Rarity on her haunches center stage. She sized up the situation.

A crying sister one.

A crying Spike two.

'Page twenty seven item three, A shy male might frustrate a ready female to the point of it's lashing out in anger'.
"Sis, are you OK?" Sweetie quietly asked "What happened with Spike?"
"Oh Sweetie you wouldn't understand!" Rarity bleated "It's just , just ,I've been a total nag this week I don't know why, I . . .I".

'Page twenty seven item four' Sweetie thought quickly 'Reintroduce female in a more relaxed environment away from any stress."You really hurt Spikes feelings I think he might do something really dumb in that stupid castle of Twilights".
"Spike! Hurt in Twilights castle?" Raritys confused state was made worse from the heat of the season. Her mind full of fire as well as other pieces of her anatomy "Sweetie watch the shop I have a dragon to take care of!"

In a cloud of dust and ash Rarity galloped through the door of the boutique shattering glass and wood into fine
shards of debris. All that Sweetie could hear and see was her sisters war face "Precious Scales I'm Coming!"

Sweetie Belle couldn't think as her jaw dropped 'What did I do now?' Trotting after her bigger sister she rejoined her friends. "I told ya all this husbandry stuff would get us into trouble ya got Spike and Rarity fighting, Did ya have to change her calendar too?"
Sweetie gasped as she ran "I didn't think it would work if she locked herself away from him".
"Got a point there" Scootaloo spat out.

OoooooooOOOnOOOoo0ooooOOOoooooOOOoooooO

Rarity galloped wildly through the castle looking for her Precious her mind raced thinking dark dark thoughts.
"I was too harsh with my Spikey Wikey , Oh If he does anything rash I'll never forgive myself!"
She saw his mane-less tailless plushy on the crystal map a tribute to her treatment of her drake "Oh poor Spikey!"
Her tears began to flow, an empty feeling grew as she continued searching "Oh Spikey don't end yourself for my petty failings". Her ears picked up water splashing to her right, she bolted through the entry of the bath her eyes focused on the tub. In the suds filled water she saw smoky bubbles raising from the surface floating up overhead popping in rings on the ceiling. "NO! Spikey! Don't drown on my account!"

She leapt into the frothy tub splashing and crashing into her dragon. Her full weight came to bare on the drake.
Spike thought 'What did I do no. .' "Oomph!"

Rarity clutched the drake to her chest raising him tight against her body even her lady bits clutched tightly keeping him out of the water.
She put her muzzle around his snout blowing life into his lungs and stiffness into his tail. Spike was in total shock!

First he was resting in the tub wallowing in his funk trying to relieve some sexual frustration doing a back stroke and on the next stroke
the cause of his funk was lip locked tucked around and snuggling his entire body. From his soft snout to his stiff tail ,
Spike went into total dragon over load and became putty in her hooves or was he?

"Spikey darling speak to me please , Oh Precious Scales I'm sorry those dresses can be redone Please Spikey speak to me!"

"Oh Rarity..."Spikes eyes went wide his little claws grabbed her pelt like Velcro his tail wraping around her rear curls.

Rarity gently moved Spike and found her lady bits stuck fast under the water "Oh dear Spike your tail must be...."
She let out a breath "What have I done now?" Every movement sent a wave of bubbles and relief from her burning desire.
"Sorry my precious" she continued rocking her hips trying to get free from her anchor moving faster and faster her
grip became tighter and her body shivered and shook in the warm water as her mind raced 'Oh Spikey I'm I'm OH!'

Spike slowly matched her motions rocking and thrusting in time to her desires changing tempo like a violins bow.
Her body on auto pilot she grunted and thrust against Spike a hot feeling exploded in her as she realized she wasn't a solo act .

'I'm so loving this I can't stop!'

Spike took it up a few notches as his tounge found her teats. Raritys eyes popped open thinking Where did he learn this?

Her train of thought was derailed stopped by kiss from dragons lips.
She looked down at a set of sparkling emerald eyes.
"You must be asking yourself, How does sweet little Spikey Wikey know what you like".
"I was wondering about that". Rarity moaned between bumps and grinds.
"Who did you think does all the returns to Twilights library".
"So you checked in all my romance novels".
"Well duh" he squeaked his ear fins sagging "Even the erotica stuff from the blue section"

She thought for a minute looking down at her situation let out her breath "What did I do?She sighed.

"Spikey when we are through here we shall never speak of this again do you understand?"

Spike was thrown for a loop. His dream became a nightmare.

"But Rarity I. . .I...".

"Spike! It's rude to interrupt a lady first and second a gentledrake needs to finish what he started. . .!"
"But?"
"No buts I am a lady and being a lady there's a proper way to court your future mare!"

"Yes?"

"When does Twilight get back?"
"In three days"

"Well then we shall return to the boutique after you will finish what you started here.

after I'll treat you to a healthy dinner and we find a way to break the news to Twilight in a more discrete manor".

"Ah Rarity?"

"Yes Spikey".

"Does this mean we're a couple?"

"Of course darling you deserve the best". She nuzzled him softly "My only love".

They finished what they started and strolled hoof and claw back to her boutique passing through the crowds of unknown back ground ponies giving a very happy greetingto each and everyone.
Pinkie gasped zipping off in a cloud of pink yelling "They did it - Spike and Rarity doodided it!"
Apple Jack tending her apple stand looked at the couples glow "Wait till Rainbow hears this, She'll bust a nut".
"Eeyep and lose that wager ya had too" smirked Big Mac.

Apple Bloom shook her head looking at the two "Ya all's got to be kidding me! Ah Scoots are they doing what I see there doing?"

"We're too late Twilight's going to kill us or banish us to where ever after we knocked Spike up with your sister" Scootaloo cried
Oh gag me are they kissing?"

"Twilight's right it's all in books!" Sweetie giggled "She was right all along".

Page two hundred appendix II 'After a successful coupling a female will accept the male for multiple breeding cycles and
in some cases they shall remain together as a life long mates.'

Below the script was a footnote

How to breed small animals for fun and profit.

and below in small type. . .

Flim Flam Bros Publishing Co.

What did you two do now?

What did you two do now?

Twilight and her staff exited the Ponyville Station the riggers of the trip were mild compared to the week of training.
The more she saw the bureaucratic mess of government the more she thought why Celestia didn't banish the whole lot of them.
From the over zealous tax mare to the executive officer that thought of using a park as a land fill for magical waste then converting
it to an exclusive golf course for the filthy rich.

She grabbed her bags like the rest of her staff and set off for home. In the great halls the guards and staff went their
separate ways. She was thinking of calling Spike to prepare a much desired snack and a restful bath. As she entered the kitchen she saw Spikes note neatly folded with the tailless mane-less plushy sitting next to it. Nix the call to her assistant what was in his note?

She read the note, a shiver went through her hooves her eyes went bright as she pranced around "Yes yes yes yes he finally did it!"
The words written with soft scrolls and little ceremony 'Dear Twilight, I and the lady Rarity will be out and about on our first date '
She couldn't believe her little dragon finally became a drake, After all she always knew Casanova would win the ladys hoof.
'Snacks in the fridge don't worry we might be out a bit late. Your number one assistant, Spike' Twilight grabbed a snack leaving
the kitchen trotting along with a stupid smile on her muzzle. "Oh Spike I'm so proud of you little guy!"

Plopping her bags by the entry of the bath, she turned the taps while she studied her condition in front the vanity, As the tub filled
she tied her hair up into a bun, brushed her teeth plucked a few wild hairs off her eyebrows. Her last procedure was to
put on a nice mud mask. The warm frothy water in the tub looked inviting she lightly stepped into the water, its warm embrace
was a welcome feeling, she lowered herself up to her neck held her breath and submerged just to the mask on her face.

She thought how his first date would be like , Dinner dancing holding hooves, a walk in the park, his first kiss under
the stars, She let out her breath and breathed in a new load of fresh air, she continued to think about the lucky little dragon.
She sniffed the air was it the mud mask? She sniffed again was it a new soap? What was that smell ? A light musky aroma perfume?
Twilight froze laying in the water That smell? I know it! What is it? Her mind raced to the only answer.SPIKE!
Her hooves slipped on the smooth walls of the tub her head and body thrashing submerging into the spoog filled water.
The aroma invaded Twilights nostrils as dragon spunk and mare sauce spoiled water entered her muzzle.

A purple flash exploded in the bathroom as Twilight in her panic teleported out of the spunk filled enclosure.
Her wild ride with a magical aura took everything. Her, her mud mask, the spoog filled water, the tub with about a hoof load
of copper pipes fittings and valves.

In a bright flash of purple light Twilight and her spoogmobile ascended into Celestias day court full of Nobles, Citizens and
all other Equestrian publicans. Twilight seeing the eyes of Equestrias elite focusing cast another transport spell in hopes that her
mud mask would hide her identity. With another bright flash she was gone leaving the empty but spunk covered tub behind.
Celestia snickered whispering to the Pony at Arms "You sure don't see that here on every other Sunday".

A sound of crashing copper and a tsunami of rancid bath water escaped the magical bubble. Twilights mud mask
hid the world from her eyes but her ears heard gasps and screams of the patrons of Sugar Cube Corner.

Twilight wiped the mask from her face as her eyes focused she saw a blue set of eyes looking back. The pink one stood before her
holding her nose to keep the smell of the perfume of dragon love from gagging her and spoiling the conversation.

Pinkie smiled her best smile at the sludge covered princess waiting for the question.

"Hi Twilight nice day isn't it?"

"Yes Pinkie".

"You taking a bath?" She fondled Twilights mane softly pulling out strands of dyed violet hair and a false eyelash.

"No I always teleport with the essence of a Fashion mare and my number one assistant on important occasions like this".

"You can use the bathroom up stares I'm sure he won't mind a bit, Gummy that is. He has a slight cold he won't smell a thing".

"Is he in the tub?"

"Yes"

I'll pass, Mr. Cake do you have a garden hose out back?"

"We have one by the grease pit and dumpster will that do?'

"That'll be perfect!"

"Pinkie?"

"Yes?"

"I'll be back!"

The water was ice cold and the smell of rotting cakes or whatever was in direct competition with the
perfume de la amore' dragon her gag reflex took over and the Highness of Friendship capsized losing her full load of oats.
Empty bottles rolled across the deck as she heaved hoed multiple times catching the attention of the Foal Free Press corps.

Twilight turned full face to the cameras drool and vomit a foundation for a set of glazed eyes and a fuzzed out unkempt mane.

Pinkie heard a stumbling noise in the back of kitchen, leaving the counter she bounded through the saloon doors her eyes
scanning for signs of a distressed muffin it wouldn't be the first time that the walleyed mare put on a secret rescue mission for the
tasty treats held in captivity by the local baker.
A ruffling noise sounded from behind the janitors closet door. Pinkie armed herself with a piping bag of vanilla walnut frosting.
She eased to the suspected door and put her ear to it's surface listening for the bakery burglars next move.
Tinkling? Pinkie listened harder, Tinkling? Who would be tinkling in my closet? A magic carp? Wee Little Winky?

With the piping bag at the ready she threw open the door to the cramped dark hole, seeing a shadowy figure
she aimed the confectionary weapon of uncalculated destruction and squeezed.

"I'm sorry Twilight I thought you were a cookie monster until you came out of the closet" Pinkie finished
toweling off the once purple filled e'clair.

"That was all my fault Pinkie If I hadn't taken your offer earlier I wouldn't have been using that janitors sink".

"That's ok Twiley I'm sure you can pull some strings at the health department to reopen Sugar cube Corner till then it looks like the
Cakes and me will be using that extra space in the castle. Right next to Spike and Raritys room.

"You mean Spikes room".

"Ah you didn't hear?"

"No . . . WHAT didn't I hear?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. . . Ha ha ha ha .Oh look you still have frosting in your ears!". She chuckled "You didn't hear nothing".

The thrones of the crystal castle sat empty the map laid silent a testimony to another boring day.
The Cutie Marked Crusaders moved from station to station cleaning and polishing what could move and
dusting or mopping what couldn't move. While at the same time being lectured on the virtues of true romantic love and the vulgar industrialization of copulation. The trio of over zealous cupids with brand new cutie marks appreciated the generous gesture of not having to clean the bathroom as mysteriously the tub was missing. Raritys rant concluded with a parting question.
"Didn't you fillies learn from that love poison incident?"

"I done told them it wasn't a good idea".

"Well it was Sweeties idea with your stupid book".

"Well you two looked so cute together and now you two make a really cute couple".

"Sweetie how would you feel if I coupled you up with Button without your permis ..."

"Wow could you? Buttons so cool!" Sweetie gushed like a fan foal.

Rarity could only facehoof.

Spike spoke up next to her "It's good that we're a couple now but how you did it was B. A. D. It scared the Tar out of me
If I was the type of dragon who would scare easily ah not that I was scared mind you but a really really..."
"Spike it's ok, girls that was a nice thing you did but it was a rather rude and very unladylike thing to do." Rarity winked "understand?"

"Yes Miss Rarity" sounded out with a "Yeah I got it Sis" mixed in for good measure.

The sound of castle doors resounded through the halls the heavy hoof beats of several ponies approached
the main room Spike Rarity and the Crusaders waited for the fate worse than death coming around the corner.

"KENBROATH GILSPOTEN HEATHSPIKE THEE DRAGON!" Twilight bellowed in a good facsimile of that fine Canterlot voice.

The two love birds trembled as the three other fillies laid down and covered their ears with rubber covered hooves.
The tools of cleaning dusting and mopping rolling on the floor.

"APPLE BLOOM WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU MESSIN WITH MY LIVESTOCK COURTIN BOOK?" The farmer yelled.

"Hey Squirt great job! you had them go at it in a tub of all places" Rainbow looked at the scowling faces all around.

Pinkie whispered to Rainbow "What about you and the Cakes kitchen sink?"

"SQUIRT THAT WAS JUST a little NOT COOL like about three and a half percent".

"Ah girls they're only foals lets go easy on them, If you don't mind . . .If you please. Ah Ok?

Pinkie was the last to say anything she took a breath let it loose
"I-just-think-it's-really-great-that-you-and-Rarity-are-a-couple-now-and-I-hope-you-two-have-lots-of-fun-and-babies-and-live-happily-ever-after-but-in-most-stories-about-dragons-a-stupid-prince-comes-along-and-slays-the-dragon-but-I-hope-you-slay-the-prince-first-cause-Rarity--would-be-heart-broken-and-become-Nightnare-Rarity-and-that-would-be-very-bad-very-bad-indeed, And you fillies are
invited to all my parties after you're finished being grounded.

She looked at the disbelief in her friends faces "What? Spike and Rarity are really really make a cute couple!"

A collective facehoof could be heard from the Crystal Castle as it echoed across Ponyville and into the Everfree Forest beyond.

The whole bunch watched Spike as he heated the fittings and pipes soldering the bits and pieces back to a functioning bathtub.
Twilight closed the Husbandry manual and turned her gaze at her two subjects one friend one assistant and now her best couple of
bathtub wreckers engaged in great teamwork at finishing up with her Highnesses newly remodeled bathroom.

"So Spike what's this I hear about you and Rarity on your first date?" Apple Jack quizzed "Better be no funny business goin on".
Spike was about to speak but lady Rarity beat him to the punch.
"Oh no funny business at all Apple Jack after all a lady does have a reputation to uphold Spike was the perfect gentledrake in public
his manors are an excellent example of the classic courtship of a lady. I'm sure all the local stallions could learn a thing or two".

Pinkie was all smiles when it came to the end of Raritys answer to monkey business. She giggled laughed and did a few face plants
to a nearby wall she staggered to the center of the room looked Rarity straight in the eyes. With a wink she leaned in to whisper in
the marsh mellow mares ear "In public? Good one Rarity".

Rarity blanched fumbling with her words a blush growing with every second. "You're baby secrets safe with me". Pinkie pranced away.

Spike reached out snapping Rarity out of the strange zone "What was that about?"

Rarity looked at Spike her eyes twitching "Ba ba ba I'm fine precious scales shall we invite the others to dinner I'm famished".

The dining hall was decked out in the finest eatery that Ponyville had to offer of course most of the grub came from
Sweet Apple Acres and the Sugar Cube Corner as for Sofa and Quills you really couldn't make a meal from what was sold there
unless you happen to be a termite or a louse.
Spikes smoke flavored roasted vegetables hay fries and claw made oat burgers had everypony on seventh heaven.
Apple Jack and Pinkie rolled out the delicious pastries with a side of snifters full of hard cider.

Spike was trying his best to cater hoof and claw to Raritys desires till she turned the tables on the drake her blue magic pulled
him up close to her muzzle her horn softly glowing she softly whispered in his ear making sure no pony else could hear
"Spikey dear precious scales we are equals in life let me cater to you sometimes or I'll put you between my thighs and squeeze you till your eyes pop out".

Spikes eyes went wide at the statement made by his lovely mare "You promise!"

Everypony had a grand time and the guest rooms and the elements rooms filled with the sound of happy full ponies and one dragon.
Twilights voice rang out "No Spike you're not sleeping in Raritys room tonight! My castle - My rules."

"AWE COME ON!"

" Who said that! "

What Are We Going To Do Now?

What Are We Going To Do Now?

Twilight time was a fun weekly event for the Cutie Marked Crusaders no apple farm chores no boring school or homework
no hearing Raritys continuous pontifications of a local Equestrian hero during the day or her so called strange grown up noises at night.
The trio happily conducted their studies under the watchful eyes of a one Princess Twilight Sparkle who was also studying something,
what she was doing she wouldn't say but that old scroll was turning to dust as she very carefully unrolled it reading and transcribing
the markings and text of a long forgotten tongue. All four ponies studied quietly till a country voiced filly broke the silence.

"Twilight I'm a little short on legs here can ya get Spike to help me put this book back?"

"Spikes out on an errand today" Her horn lit up shelving the latest volume on Why Apples Are! "to the Royal Canterlot Library".

"Great now I can get a good nights sleep and I won't have to duct tape Raritys mouth shut". Sweetie gasped "Did I say that out loud?"

Scootaloo made kissy noises fluttering her eyes "Mmmmmmm Spikey Wikey my hero! Nom nom nom nom nom!"

"I told ya that book was trouble you made yer bed now ya got to sleep in it".

"That's the problem I ain't getting any sleep!" Sweetie pouted "All my sister talks about is the Ds ".

Twilights face went red "The Ds? . . .Sweetie?!"

"Dresses Dragons Dinner Dancing Dresses Dates more Dragon" Sweetie went deva "All she wants is the Ds!"

Twilight let out her breath after holding it after the deluge of the Ds "Well Sweetie you have only yourself to blame"
She picked up the mane-less tailless plushy for all to see "Spike was this close to giving up on his crush, But Noooo you had to
break out AJs animal husbandry book, Books are a weapon of mass destruction in the wrong hooves, Take my word I've seen
it first hoof " Twilight shook her head "That's why I have Spike digging up these ancient scrolls from Canterlot, With Spike dating
Rarity who knows what will happen , I can't have Spike wrecking Ponyville again".

A collective sigh came from the group Sweetie Belle squeaking "Rarity always liked them big".

Scootaloo gaged "What part?"

"Aw Come ON" Apple Bloom cried out "Yer minds are in the compost heap, we have our cutie marks fer helping folks not
causing the complete destruction of Equestria as we know it. Twilight what are we going to do?" Her hooves flailing about in panic.

"Take it easy Apple Bloom I'm sure Spike wont crush Equestria under hoof after all he's helped so many ponies after his rampage
and he knows what not to do, But I'm afraid we don't have much to go on we know so little about dragons it's all uncharted territory."

Sweetie Belle laughed at the uncharted territory remark "Rarity's cray cray as it is, But Her and Spike are taking it to a whole new level."

"Well it must run in the family" Scootaloo mocked "It was your crazy idea to get them together with that stupid book!"

"That's what I said but no pony listened anyway" Apple Bloom spoke with reason "What's the chance of them having some sort offspring?"

Twilight frowned put her hoof under chin "Hmmmm good question Apple Bloom. . . meh. . . Nope don't think so" She shook her head and went back to her studies and scroll work.

Rarity was in the zone papers whizzing above, sketches of her new designs and inspirations floating and dancing about
her mind moving at break neck speed she drew a circle then another, her circles grew in numbers and her strokes flowed around
with a flourish she mused like a mad mare until her gaze focused on her blotter it was a simple drawing of a mare sitting on a clutch
of dragon eggs.
The mare in the drawing was no ordinary pony, Ah you beat me to it. Rarity saw herself and her as Pinkie said at the castle earlier
her "baby secret?"
"No that's not possible is it?"

Rariry thought over the chance consequences of her licentious liberties with her little purple lover. "Impossible" She mused again.
She closed her eyes in a day dream looking for an answer to her quandary of offspring "Is it possible?"
Her heart screamed "Please let it be".
Her head thought "IMPOSSIBLE. . .Is it?"
Her body trumped the thoughts on hoof "I need to use the ladies room!"

She sat on the porcelain throne in her kingdom of true inspiration, pods of dragons filled the air as she watched from below
her steed trotted along carrying her, Decked out in magical armor a scabbard across her back they trekked through the Badlands
searching for the enemy, a group of rogue drakes that dared to insult a ladys honor and steal from her knights keep.
She spurred the mighty beast to galloping speed drawing her sword ready for battle, Her steel as hard as her resolve to
recover the ruby heart stolen by those uncouth ruffians. Up ahead she had her targets in sight her charge a mighty show
of force against the foe of fire and scales.
She spurred her steed harder for more speed she readied her weapons.

"Ah Rarity do you mind laying off those spurs they might look great in the bedroom but they're killing my ribs"

"I'm so sorry Spikey dear I didn't mean to hurt you".

"No problemo it's your dream".

"Oh so it is sorry dear".

"Ah Rarity?"

"Yes?"

"Those rogue dragons are getting close do you mind?"

"Oh !"

PfriiiiiiiiiiiiiittttTTTTT........................PHOOMPH!
She felt a mighty blow to her gut sharp like a thousand dull spoons digging into her bowels, She was done for.
phiffffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeePoPFizzle
A mighty blast knocked her off her porcelain mount landing awkwardly on the floor of her bathroom her hooves flailed for
something to regain her balance. The wall did a nice job of preventing her from face planting in the waste bin.
Her eyes focused off the world of inspiration and dreams to an out of date calendar sitting in the dank dark recesses beyond
the bin. She picked up the pages looking at the dates and X marking her special days. . .

She lit a match as a lady doesn't leave her bath smelling like a old sewer and cross examined the dates and X's on the discarded
calendar her special day with Spike and her old special days lined up to a single conclusion one she couldn't deny any longer

"SWEETIE BELLE I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!"

Rarity stomped out of the boutique turning the sign on the new door to closed and gently closing and locking it after all
new doors cost bits and now she was going out more often it didn't help her finances to replace costly doors even if Spike
was a handy little drake who would install it for a smile, still that door with the glass panel inlay had a hefty price tag.

From her stand in the plaza Apple Jack saw the boiling mad marsh mellow on a mission "Hay Rarity what's got ya all fired up?"

"I don't believe it Sweetie Belle not only set me up with Spikey but rearranged my calendar for my special days, If I hadn't been
with him who knows what type of stallion I would of gotten tangled up with!"

"That's water under the bridge Rares Besides I don't think you would of just settled on any other guy then the one ya got now.
Remember the Gala with all of us letting poor ol Spike hanging like an old rag on a fence post or that Trenderhoof feller
who left you hanging? But ol Spike he helped you every way he could even if he would lose out in the end just to see you happy".
That stupid farmer looked her in the eyes "And if you ask me I figure you're just as scared and in love with him as he is with you".

"Apple Jack You're quite a silly pony, I Rarity the galloping fashion capital of Equestria. I will always stand above the petty fears of
ordinary mares, I built my business from the ground up fashioned for royalty saved Equestria several times over. . ."

"Who held on to her Spikey Wikey like a little doll when she got scared on Nightmare Night, no offence".

"You noticed that?"

"Eeyep".

"Point taken".

"Besides she was already punished. I think you're all worked up over something else don't ya think?"

"Oh AJ what would I have to worry about?" She nervously smiled "I have a thriving business, royal connections everything going my way
great friends a little sister who delivered my prince charming, a room in Twilights castle all the bits I'll ever want. . ."

"foals?"

"foals?"

"Yeah foals offspring little ones".

"Oh AJ I have no time for raising foals".

"Really now?"

"I have to watch my figure".

"Spike can do that for ya".

"Apple Jack ! You scoundrel!"

"You're afraid ya both might be shooting blanks And Spike will see you as less of a mare with out little ones..."

"Oh Apple Jack what am I going to do?" Rarity swooned her chase lounge appeared out of nowhere "I'm not a barren wasteland!"

"Gosh Rarity ya all ain't hitched proper and you're all worked up about havin foals".

"Well you can't blame me can you?"

"For being a drama queen? Do I really need to answer this?Yes, For wanting what most mares want? Not at all,
Besides Spikes better than most fellers I'm sure you two can make it work some how".

In Canterlot Castle Spike was visiting 'Mom' as he fetched the needed scrolls for Twilights studies.
He waddled along the red and gold trimmed carpet like a drake with a mission in life. A smile on his scaley lips and a spring in his step,
Luna giggled as he entered the mighty throne room his show of dragon swag for all to see That proud 'I got some' look we all know.
Celestia on the other hoof watched her 'son' behaving just a little too cocky, you know a step or two above his normally snarky self.

"So my little dragon what's this I hear of the generosity bestowed upon my royal ward by a lady mare of such low morals as to,
Steal my royal gift of the fire ruby heart before you had a chance to savor it's flavor.
A mare who steals a kiss from you after the destruction was yet to be accounted for in that little hamlet of Ponyville,
A bribe for extra favor in coverage to her damages in your mishap no doubt.
A mare with a history of taking advantage of wards of the court like Prince Blue Blood and other nobles and
I might add she also kissed my hooves in a most embarrassing way.
Spike who was this tramp, this depraved mare who took you in the bath?"

Spike withered under the pressure and squeaked out "Rarity". What? SHE KNOWS!

"What was that Spike?"

"Rarity".

"Who?"

"RARITY". Stupid Spike real STUPID as he clamped his claws over his fat mouth.

"Guards put him in chains prepare our troops for a little task of force to the Crystal Castle and summon the Elements, Twilight has overlooked a vital issue to the security of Equestrian Sovereignty I can not standby any longer as these events unfold".

The orders carried out Spike found himself bound in chains with a dark hood placed over his head riding a chariot homebound.

The castle ramparts looked like a garrison. Troops decked out in fine armor their hooves stomping in rows and columns
shaking the floors of the crystal castle from the spires to dungeon-laboratory this was the makings of an all out national emergency.

The Elements having been summoned sat around the map in the main hall their cutie marks in the buzz mode, Celesta talked loudly
at the heros of Equestria. Spike with the hood over his head could just make out the few words making it past the troops gauntlet
of noisy hooves and armor. Words like Spike. . . damn Rarity . . . WHO DID THIS? conspiracy . . .Twilight . . .execute . . .
Spike couldn't get all of it and what he did sure didn't sound good. Actually It sounded as life he knew it was over till he heard some
familiar fillies passing by

"Spike sure got his claws full now!"

"Yeah his life as he knew it is over, done with, ka blewie!"

"Rarity's life too, We're lucky to only get off with a stiff warning . . .Oh hi Spike!"

"No talking ! He's in our custody, You have the Princesses orders now carry them out we don't have much time".

"Yes your royal highness guard guy yes sir" the trio barked.

Spikes knees went weak his spine crumbled his whole world died as he heard the fillies scamper off.

Spike was lead along his quiet last walk to the little fillies room "Wash up you are to appear before the Princess and your dame".

Spikes thought stumbled out 'Mom must be really pissed at me to be dammed to Tartarus'. He washed up as the guards watched
"Spike ol drake you really got hosed this time I hope Rarity's all right". The guards tossed him a package in it was a black suit.
The Master at Arms snickered "Dragon that's the last suit you're ever going to need the Princess sends it with her kind regards ".

Spike dried off and put on his last suit for his execution the hood was replaced and his long march was started step by step.
The guard next to him asked Spike if he had anything to confess as it was he had nothing to lose and a small mercy to gain.

Spike moved along hearing voices in the crowd "So that's him - I don't believe it - It's about time - Can they hurry it up I've got to go".
He could hear Celestias voice "Rarity do you accept your fate as an Element of Harmony as it is written in Equestrian law?"
Spike tried to speak but the guard spoke softly to the drake "Don't . . .Your time will come , Face it like a stall- Ah....dragon".
Her voice spoke soft as silk "I do your Highness".
Spike wanted to help her if anything was possible he could ask for mercy for his lady mare, A confession, but what?"
Her Majestys voice addressed the condemned "Spike do you. . ."
"I confess everything!" Spike yelled as his hood was removed his eyes clinched shut "Eating the gems in the treasury when I was a baby
stealing ice cream late at night when Twilights asleep, hiding my dirty magazines under my bed, touching myself when I think of Rarity".
He rambled on "Thinking of Rarity when I'm touching Rarity, Being a lazy slob and going through the adult section of the library when Twilights too busy in the basement doing experiments when Flash Century er Flash Gorden ah Flash what's his name comes over!"
Spike!

He opened his eyes to see Twilight standing to his left casting a sound bubble spell and Rarity clothed in the finest dress ever designed.

"Wut'sup?"

"A traditional Royal function Spike. Celestia is taking care of a national scandal before it gets out of hoof".

"Am I to be executed?"

"No".

"Banished?"

"Betrothed".

"Betrayed?"

"Betrothed".

"Exiled?"

"Arranged Marriage".

"WHAT?"

"Here's your chance Casanova".

"Wow I didn't see that coming".

"Luna did".

"What's with the black hood?"

"Beat's me some forgotten tradition I guess".

Celestia stood before the group "May we continue my little deviants?"

"I'm not being banished?"

A resounding "NO!" came from the collective under the bubble.

"Can we get done with this I've got a cake with my name on it!"

The bubble expired as the crowd waited for the ceremony to finish, Most of Equestria was seen from the Apple family plus to Zacora
If anything was worse than a groom skipping out on his pregnant bride it would have to be letting the buffet get cold before it's eaten.

"I'll go with the short version. Do you two mind?"

"I was hoping for a more traditi..." Raritys little petition was vetoed by Celestias royal Canterlot voice.

"DAME LADY RARITY DO YOU?"

"SPIKE THE DRAGON DO YOU?"

They both looked dumb struck and mortified slowly nodding in reply "Yes I think so...." She whimpered Spikes reply was "Ah sure".

"I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU DRAKE AND DAME"------------ "Luna don't you dare!"------"LUNA I CALLED DIBS!"

Pandamonium erupted in the grand hall as the two royal sisters battled for the first slice of cake.

The food fight was of epic proportions as the whole of Equestria sided with their favorite princess. No pony was spared.

Spike and Rarity snuck out of the castle covered in scraps of food their future was a blank scroll before them at least for the time being
until some other terrible author took to the pen and keyboard to create another horrible fan fic about them.

THE END?

What the....

What The. . .a bogus chapter

Raritys new life with Spike was a little odd as pony standards go but being the gentledrake he was (and being twisted around her hoof)
Spike was always at her beck and call. Some ponies would even call him kitty whipped. Not that her fabulous generosity would
take advantage of his servitude. Yea right.

Today Spike served two masters one a nerdy book worm Princess and the other a fashion plot er plate of an Element.
At this moment the crystal castle needed a dragons touch in the kitchen as all of his other duties had been carried out to the letter.
The frying pan sizzled as he shifted ingredients from hay fries to pancakes to vegetable scampy with garlic and onion sauce.

Time whizzed by as Spike cooked up the lunch of lunches for Twilight and Raritys return.

The office was quiet white and sterile Rarity had made an appointment for a stomach bug that was going around at least
that was the story she gave everypony around town. Twilight was in for her annual exam for her public service duties. Why not it
was paid for already and it gave her a reason to catch up on the medical digests and other clinical studies that the library didn't stock.
They both chatted and disposed of their reading materials when the doctor entered the room "next?"

Rarity approached the doctor and whispered into his ear as Twilight saw her motion the Princess to join them to the examination room.

"Is that so. . . Princess do you care to join us?" The doctor smiled as he escorted the mares through the door.
Raritys bug exam was quick real quick and the news of her illness hit Twilight like a ton of loaded and soggy diapers.
As for the expectant marsh mellow she couldn't be happier, Hitched to a member of the royal family a national hero her best friends
brother - little assistant a great cook and a really nice guy. She was as giddy as before the Grand Galloping Gala with out the ROYAL PAIN!

Twilights examination was a little more involved stethoscope here stethoscope there taps and pokes cough breath in
breath out look at my finger turn your head touch your hooves stretch bend and then the doctor went "Hummmmmmmm?"
His questions filled Twilights ears, issues about her sleeping habits eating habits reading habits her lack of exercise between
monster attacks and national emergencies. Her last questions dealt with colt friends dating (or the lack of ) and her mental stability.

The two mares parted company Rarity to the crystal castle and Twilight to Zacoras hut, The Princess though happy for her friends
fresh foal dracony pongon dragon what ever it was going to be baby condition. Twilight still had some unanswered questions.

Apple Jack and Fluttershy laid out the napkins dishes and silverware readying the table for the lunch meeting while
Pinkie had a surprise 'You've got to be kidding Spike and Rarity are going to have a foal' cake waiting in the wings.

Rainbow Dash flew in the kitchen and landed softly not surprising anypony with the exception of her not crashing
into something or creating a smoking hole. "Hay guys I saw Rarity but Twilight's not with her. Think she'll be late for everything?"

"Aw I wouldn't worry none she's never missed a meeting especially when Spike's fetching the vittles."

"I wonder why she wouldn't stay with Rarity I hope it's not another emergency or something, not that I would want something
bad to happen or what ever. . . sorry I didn't mean to. . ."

"No problems or my tail would of went a twitch a twitcha".

"Hello darlings I'm back! Twilight shall be here in a few minutes" Rarity beamed as she floated with prancing steps a smile on her
muzzle and a jiggle in her flanks. Spike could only stare as the final course popped and sizzled over the stove.

"Spike darling everything smells wonderfully divine!" A sly look took over the mares features "Being Twilight was with me at
the doctors I shan't delay the good , no great news Spikey darling I carry your children! Isn't it great?"

Spike asked "Where?" His eyes scanned the area looking for the obvious foals that wasn't there "Oh your pregnant?"

"Why of course silly"

"Who's the dad?"

"You Spikey" Rarity worried at Spikes lack of enthusiasm "Spikey are you OK?"

Spike picked up the sizzling hot pot off the stove with his bare claws and set it aside with a blank look as a smile crept slowly on his
snout "Me?" he waddled over to his fuzzy crush "Me I'm" he put his arms around her neck "I thought I was too young" he held
her close "Thank you Rarity" the whole bunch burst out in laughter and cheers as they entered in a spontaneous group orgy er hug.

The happy bunch chatted gossiped and passed the time coming up with names for the offspring as Spike readied the lunch
putting all the prepped munchies out along table central. Pinkie sat on the couch munching pop corn "Pinkie dear you'll spoil your
appetite and after Spike slaved over that hot stove all morning long".

Before the lady of the hour could get an answer the castle dining room doors creaked open freezing all motion around the table,
in the doorway Twilight stood with a load of pamphlets held in her magical grasp a look of total dejection carved across her face.
She didn't know if she wanted to cry scream yell or chew bubble gum that she didn't have.

It was Rarity who broke the ice "Twilight dearest what could be bothering you so?" she continued softly "Trouble at Zacoras?"

Twilight whispered "I'm an unwed brood mare"

Pinkie asked a little louder than usual "What's that Twilight?" as she munched her pop corn excitedly.

"I'm an unwed brood mare"

"I'm sorry dear you almost sound as soft as dear Fluttershy. . . Again please?"

"I'm knocked up and I don't know who the father is or how or when it happened! "
She pouted with a sigh " I didn't even get to do the fun stuff. . ."

Spike and the girls gasped collectively to the horror of the nerdy book worms secret deflowering by some unknown sex fiend.

"Twilight how in Equestria can you not know when or whom the father is as for how, Surely my dear Twilight that's a given
even Spikey knows how it works by now don't we my precious scales?"

"Yea even Apple Bloom knows better to wait fer that hoof ring".

"Aw come on Twilight I know it's awesome doing it but it's not cool not remembering what stallions your going with".

"Or the Cakes kitchen sink" Pinkie butted in.

"Pinkie! how could you spill the beans?" Rainbow blushed "It's awkward but at least I remember him" 'He was soooo hot!'.

Twilight thought hard 'Rainbow Sink? Sink? Sink water? Tub water? Tub? TUB!' "Oh Nooooooooo!"

" Oh dear I think Twilights broken , , ,Oh my, I wish I where a tree".

"Ah gosh Twilight can you stop looking like that? You're scaring the girls Ah Twilight. . ."

Pinkie tossed her box of pop corn "Come on Twily we can find you somepony before you PoP!"

In Canterlot Castle a commotion was brewing between the two sisters "Luna, What are you doing with that sentry with a
bag on his head?"

"I'm averting another crisis my sister".

Tias mind swelled with worry 'Why Oh why did I ever start that silly tradition?'

In the stillness of a purple Princesses mind comes a rhyme from a zebra not too far away in the Everfree forest
"Twilight your question on your drakes mate comes as no shock for it's heard that dragons can even impregnate rocks!"

"Nooooooooooooooo!"