I: Friendship is Mandatory
Twilight Sparkle!
"Huh? Who?"
I mean Twilite Spark! Hear me!
"Is it you, Celestia? Is this one of those kind of dreams again? Amazing, this is going to be so much fun! Now come over here and..."
Wha... No! Twilite Spark! It is indeed me, the Princess! I have an important mission for my most faithful and powerful student to fulfill!
"Oh, you do?"
You must travel to the village of Ponyville. There, you will find the mythical Elements of Harmony that I used to defeat my sister almost a millenia ago-
"I know all that. In fact, I just read about it! What an oddly fitting coincidence!"
Oh? Good, now I can leave out the tedious exposition. Twilite Spark, something terrible is happening: Nightmare Moon is returning! You must defeat her!
"Me? Why, I'm honoured! Not surprised, because I already know I'm your most trusted, favourite and lustf-"
At first I thought I'd just tell you to go there, make some friends and let you figure things out on your own, but that would've been far too risky and time-consuming! So listen closely: The Elements of Harmony are not items, but ponies! Here are their faces:
A series of colourful faces appeared before Twilite. They belonged to two earth ponies, two pegasi and one unicorn.
Their names are the following: Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity. Oh, sorry, I mean: Apljack, Pink Pain, Rash Bowdian, Shutterfly and Divinity. You must find them as soon as possible and defeat Nightmare Moon with them when she appears! Now, it is of utmost importance that you befriend them in some way, otherwise the Elements won't work!
"Befriend them?" she asked in disbelief. "But I hate everypony! I mean, everypony except you, Your Immortal, Gorgeous Majesty."
No buts! You must go to Ponyville immediately and be a decent person for once! Oh, and I almost forgot, you're the Eleme-
"Twilite, you alright?"
She snapped out of her vision. Her body lied on the floor of her study. Her hooves shoke, her body twitched and froth spewed out of her mouth.
"Did you have a convulsion again?" Qash'gaar asked without much concern.
"No, a vishion, Shpike!" she mumbled as she rolled around and stood up. She spat out the froth and the excess spit. "Ugh. Clean that."
Qash'gaar sighed, took a mop and a bucket out of the janitor's closet and cleaned the floor.
Twilite walked towards the door, still somewhat shaky. "Celestia herself gave me an important mission to fulfill! We must go to Ponyville, find the Elements of Harmony and defeat Nightmare Moon! I'll ask my mother to prepare an airship for me. We're going on a journey, so pack everything I might need."
Qash'gaar wiped the floor with his mop. "That must be the craziest hallucination you've had in a long time. Also, your mother doesn't own any airships."
Twilite rolled her eyes. "It wasn't a hallucination, but a message from Celestia! And my mother is a noblemare, stupid. She could prepare the entire air navy for me if she wanted. Or well, persuade some stallions to do so."
"A-ha. Figured that's how she'd be able to do it. What a slut."
Twilite stopped and raised an eyebrow. "What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Alright, then. I'll meet you at the docks."
Qash'gaar frowned. "At the docks? But what about the greedy skinners of the streets?"
She sighed. "Tell them that if they touch you, your master will find them and fry their brains with magic."
Twilite knocked on the door of her mother's living quarters. It remained closed, but she could hear grunting and arguing inside. Someone hurriedly trotted to the door and opened it. It was her mother, Twilite Velvet. Her usually neatly combed hair was messy and unkempt. "Ah, dear, what is it? Mom is quite busy, so speak fast!"
"Uh, well, I saw a vision again..."
Velvet sighed. "Did you not take your pills this morning?"
"No, listen, I need to go to Ponyville-"
"Ah, good!" Velvet said and began to blabber: "That village is being rebuilt and needs to be inspected, also, this is a wonderful chance for you to finally learn how to live independently and make some friends! I've been worried about the Friendship Inquisition lately, but as long as you befriend some nice ponies, everything will be fine, and even if you don't, it's a backwater mudhole in the middle of nowhere, so the Inquisition won't find you!"
"Uh, yes. I need a ship-"
"Yes, yes, don't worry, I'm sure somepony can take you there, for I think an airship is leaving today, and I'm sure the captain is willing to take you to Ponyville for free. Write a full report on the settlement's status as soon as possible and have Qash'gaar send it to me, I'll tell headmaster Spell Nexus that you're going on a vacation. Now, anything else? No? Okay, goodbye dear!"
She tried to close the door, but Twilite grabbed it. "Wait! Why are you so busy? And why is your hair so messy? And why do you smell like-"
"I have important visitors, dear! I really must go now!" Velvet said and pushed Twilite's hoof away. "Bye! I love you!"
She slammed the door slut.
I mean shut.
Twilite walked outside into a lush garden, where many exotic plants from throughout Equestria had been brought. The light of the sun reflected off the onion-shaped domes of the tall white towers of Canterlot. She approached a doorway, alongside which two guards in golden barding stood vigilant. Above the glass door was written "TO THE DOCKS".
Just as she was about to go past the stoic pair and enter inside, the door opened and a smiling unicorn with an ivory coat and a curly pink mane stepped outside. She wore a long pink cloak and a silver necklace with an I-shaped symbol. "Oh, there you are, Twilite!" she said happily.
Twilite gasped. "Um, hello inquisitor Twinkleshine!" she said and forced herself to smile. "Hehe, what a lovely day today, don't you think?"
She nodded. "Indeed! I've been looking for you. There's a few things I've been wanting to ask..."
Twilite gulped. "Oh, haha, well, you can ask now!"
"Unfortunately the questioning needs to be done in private. I've been told that you haven't had any friends for a long time. Considering that you are one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, this is a big problem that needs to be solved immediately!" she said and smiled warmly.
Twilite backed away from her. "Wait, I just remembered! I have to check on a thing or two. Maybe even more! Hehe, see you later, Twinkleshine!"
The friendship inquisitor turned to the guards next to her. "Could you two detain her? Please?" she asked and they nodded in response.
"I have to go! Bye!" Twilite said and galloped away.
"Halt in the name of the Princess!" shouted the pegasus guard while his unicorn companion followed. "You are under arrest!"
Once the guards were far enough from the door, Twilite looked behind herself and cast a teleportation spell, appearing inside the doorway behind them and Twinkleshine. She slammed the door shut and galloped away as fast as a lazy unicorn who never exercised could. Which wasn't very fast.
Qash'gaar carried forty-two bags, suitcases and other pieces of baggage on his back while he waited at the crowded docks carved into the mountainside. The independent part of his mind had thought that Twilite only needed a single toothbrush that he cleaned the restrooms with and nothing else, but the obedience chip had made him pack everything she might need, like she had ordered. Everything. Qash'gaar had screamed when his body packed all the clothes, books, food, tools, medication, furniture and machinery he could find.
"Spike! Get inside the ship!" Twilite shouted as she arrived at the docks and navigated through a sea of ponies towards the airship nearby. The two guards still followed her.
Qash'gaar raised an eyebrow, shrugged and entered the ship with all the luggage.
"She's getting away!" the gold-armoured pegasus guard said to his companion. "We can't catch her, but she's in the open. Cast a stun spell!"
His companion obeyed and a beam of pure magic was unleashed from his horn, brutally tearing through several innocent ponies near Twilite as she galloped forward towards the boarding ramp.
"Shit, wrong spell," muttered the unicorn and rubbed his forehead. "Sorry, my head really fucking hurts today."
"Doesn't matter, we don't have time! Just cast something before she gets away! The Princess will forgive our poor souls for any collateral damage we cause if we slay her!"
"Why can't you capture her? You have wings, you could just-"
"Do you think I can fly in this heavy armour? Be quiet and cast some spell!"
A new ray of magical energy plunged at Twilite, but she conjured a purple sphere of magic around her and the beam harmlessly bounced off its surface and harmfully burrowed into the flesh of a nearby pony.
She used the barrier to push aside all the ponies in front of her, the searing force field frying the coats of those who didn't move out of the way in time. "This is actually rather useful," she mumbled to herself. "I should cast this spell every time I have to wade through a crowd." A foal neighed in agony as his coat burned.
Twilite leaped inside the ship as a blast of magic hit a green pony behind her. A crewpony inside stared at her with an open mouth.
"In the name of Celestia, close the door or I'll pop your tiny head with a spell!" she shouted, and the stallion did as ordered, just when a magic beam struck the hull of the ship and ruined its paintwork. Twilite breathed a sigh of relief and wiped her forehead.
The crewpony cleared his throat and said "Welcome aboard the Pristine Paintwork, miss!"
"What in the name of the Princess was that, Miss Spark?" asked the captain of the ship, a middle-aged pegasus with a white coat and a golden mane wearing an old military uniform and an eyepatch. A gold medal shimmered on his chest below his stern face, and so did the images of gold medals on his flanks.
Twilite laughed nervously. "Ehehe, just, um, the Inquisition... and then..."
"You're lucky I'm very close to your mother, otherwise I'd get you arrested. I just hope this won't get me into too much trouble," he said and sighed. His stern features melted away and revealed a friendly smile. "How about we forget what happened and move on with our lives? Please, go to the cabin. We'll be serving fried Breezies later today."
Twilite walked into the crowded cabin and sat down next to Qash'gaar, who had just deposited all the luggage.
"Did you meet an inquisitor?" Qash'gaar asked casually.
Twilite frowned. "Yes, actually. How did you know that I-"
He shrugged and said "Must've been magical dragon senses or something. Hard to say after you burned all the books about dragons."
Twilte looked at Qash'gaar and squinted.
"Uh... let's talk about something else. Do you know what I've always wondered?"
"Of course I don't, fool," Twilite said as she opened a bag and took out a book from it.
"Why don't you ponies use flying chariots? Imagine a golden chariot pulled by pegasi soaring across the sky. Now that'd be one amazing way to travel!"
Twilite chuckled and opened her book. "Can you imagine pegasi lifting something so heavy? Even if it wasn't covered in heavy metal, it'd still be a nightmare to pull across the sky. Chariots don't float, you know. Spike, this must be one of the dumbest things you've said in years, and you say dumb things all the time."
Qash'gaar crossed his arms and frowned. "I hate you too, Twilite."
"Hello, this is your captain speaking," said a voice coming from a speaker. "Thank you for using Air Canterda instead of the crummy Equestrian Airlines. The weather today is certainly much better than during the Battle of Normanedy! We'll arrive at Las Pegasus in eight hours, with stopovers in Ponyville, Hoofington, Trotonto and Whinnypeg. Have a very pleasant journey!" The captain's voice lowered and he mumbled "At least we won't be gunned down by anti-air missiles..."
Qash'gaar groaned. "Those horse puns are horrendous. I'll never get used to them."
Some time had passed, and Twilite was reading a book while Qash'gaar was taking a nap.
"Uh, this is your captain speaking," sounded the speaker. "I would just like to inform you that our engine has stopped and that we will be stuck in the sky until we become crazy cannibals and die of thirst. There's no reason to panic, though-"
"We have a very good reason to panic, so panic!" shouted one of the ponies in the cabin.
"We're all going to die!" screamed another one.
The captain opened the door of the cockpit and stepped into the cabin. "Calm down, dammit!" he shouted. "We can start the magic engine again, but it requires a tribute to the Princess. If you didn't know, magic engines can only be started by the sacrifice of a magical, sentient creature. Now, the problem is that we don't have any aliens or monsters in storage, so..."
Everyone in the cabin turned to look at recently awakened Qash'gaar, who in turn scowled and said "You're all a big bunch of racists."
"No, he's not going to be sacrificed," Twilite sternly said to others. "You do realize how expensive slaves are these days?"
"So," the captain said, "Who's volunteering?"
Everyone in the cabin remained motionless and mostly silent, aside from one pony coughing.
"Oh, come on! Don't force me to raffle the offering! Somepony volunteer!"
Still no movement.
The captain let out a frustrated sigh as he rubbed his forehead. "Alright then, a raffle it is. Bring a box!" he said to a crewpony nearby, who obeyed. Everyone except Qash'gaar and Twilite wrote their name on a piece of paper that was then put into the box.
The captain picked one at random and read out loud what was written on it. "Burning Brightly."
Two of his crewponies grabbed the pony in question. She was just a little foal who struggled in their grasp. "Let me go! I don't wanna die!" she screamed as she was carried to the engine room.
A pony stood up. She had a similar red colour scheme as the foal and looked quite alike, except older. "I volunteer as tribute!" she shouted.
The captain raised his eyebrows. "Oh, wonderful! A single lowly mud pony probably wouldn't have been enough of a sacrifice and now we don't have to randomly pick another one. Thank you, miss! Throw her in as well, boys!"
The two ponies were taken inside the engine room. "Come, Spike," Twilite said, "I've always wanted to see how magic engines are started." The pair followed and entered the room.
The two ponies were forced inside a metal furnace and a fire was ignited. At first, it was a regular reddish flame, but as the ponies burned the blaze became beautifully variegated. The dance of the flames was a truly mesmerizing sight! It was like pure essence of rainbows had been contained in the furnace so it could bring joy and calm to the hearts of those watching. When only two charred husks remained of the ponies, the fire had grown impressively mighty and bright.
"The engine has been started!" announced the captain as he returned to the cabin, but the passengers seemed to be nowhere near as excited as him. He noticed this and said "Oh come on, don't be sad! They were very brave mares who donated their lives for a good and noble cause! They saved us all. Don't forget to always look on the bright side of life!" He lowered his voice and mumbled "That saying was useless when we were showered with napalm..." as he walked back to the cockpit.
Twilite and Qash'gaar sat down on their places. "Wow, that was fascinating!" Twilite said and smiled.
"What?" Qash'gaar shouted in disbelief. "How was that fascinating? That was horrifying!"
"Didn't you see those flames? They were truly amazing!"
Qash'gaar was speechless for a moment. "Yeah, I did see the flames as I watched those poor, innocent horses turn into something that might be served at a bloody barbecue! How could you watch that without flinching? What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Or well, I do have OCPD, but that doesn't make me heartless, it just makes me a nervous wreck of a control freak."
"You also have epilepsy, but that just makes you weird, not callous."
"I don't have epilepsy! I'm just the most powerful unicorn in the world, so Celestia is able to communicate with me through visions!"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Wait, I have an idea, maybe you're heartless because you don't have any friends, your mother doesn't care about you and your father is an abusive alcoholic!"
She shrugged. "That could be the reason."
"'Could be'? Didn't you brag some days ago that you read all the works on psychology by Signal Fraud? Shouldn't you then know what's wrong with you? Did you actually read the books?"
She frowned. "Of course I did! I love reading!"
"Yeah, love reading Darning Dolt or whatever she's called, but not tomes on something actually useful like science."
"Spike, you're annoying me again! Her name is Dindiana Dones, not Darning Dolt, and I read scientific tomes all the time. Now be quiet, I've had enough stress for today."
Qash'gaar rolled his eyes and said "Fine."
A pegasus with a grey coat and a light yellow mane strolled amongst lush green trees, rays of sun piercing the canopy and painting her face with colours of yellow. Despite having crossed eyes, she fully enjoyed the view and smiled widely as the sun warmed her skin and the scent of flowers landed on her nose.
She trotted into a large clearing, where long grass tickled her underbelly. A shadow appeared nearby and quickly grew in size. She opened her mouth in wonder and watched as the shade grew larger and larger. She looked up, and-
The airship landed with a thump. The door on its side opened and Twilite jumped down, soon followed by Qash'gaar who carried forty-two pieces of luggage. The airship's door closed and it soon took off into the air.
Twilite breathed in the unspoiled air of the forest. "Ahh, just as unimpressive as I believed it was. Romantic literature is stupid, isn't it, Spike?"
Qash'gaar frowned. "Ugh, that's not what forests smell like," he mumbled before he noticed something red on the ground. He turned around and gasped. "Oh shit! Looks like some poor pony was under the airship when it landed!"
Twilite rolled her eyes. "I have more important things to worry about than accidental deaths of strangers, Spike."
"I will bury the remains of this squished fellow, Twilite."
Twilite scowled. "We don't have time for that, for we need to find the Elements as soon as possible and do an inspection on the village here!"
"My dragon code of honour dictates that I must respect the dead!"
"Stop fooling around and come with me. I order you," she said and walked towards the houses in the distance.
Qash'gaar muttered a curse as his obedience chip made him follow his master.
The pair entered the outskirts of the village. Nature had been left alone and the gravel paths were lined with flowers. Twilite examined her surroundings. "Hm, no sign of Nightmare Moon anywhere. Everything seems to be fine around here," she said and rubbed her chin.
"Spike, how about you start writing the report on the settlement's status. I'll dictate," she said and Qash'gaar obeyed by taking a scroll and a quill from one of the many bags he was carrying. It's not like he could pull them out of thin air.
"The visuals are adequately colourful and pleasing to the eye. They should boost the morale of the locals," Twilite said and Qash'gaar wrote down her words like she had ordered.
"The houses of the village have thatch roofs and are built out of brick. The locals must've ran out of proper supplies or something. Thatched roofs might collapse if covered with snow and those poorly constructed chimneys might ignite them on fire. The buildings seem to have been designed by a drunken architect and look like they might collapse at any moment. In addition-"
Twilite stopped. She saw a familiar pink face prancing nearby. "Wait, I think that is one of the Elements!" she mumbled to herself. "What a lucky coincidence!" She approached her and said "Greetings! I am Twilite Spark, Chosen One of the Princess! I've come here to..."
The pink pony looked at her and gasped. Then she fell over and desperately tried to breathe. "Help!" she managed to say with a wheezy voice. "Spasm! Need, asthma, medication!"
Twilite raised an eyebrow before turning to look at her servant. "Okay. Spike, where can we-"
"You said 'pack everything I might need' and there's a near non-existent chance that you suddenly become asthmatic, so I packed some terbutaline and formoterol. There's also a near non-existent chance that you get killed by a vending machine, so I prepared for that as well."
"Good!" she said and turned to look at the pink pony again. But she was gone.
Twilite frowned. "Well, that's odd. Did you see where she went, Spike?"
"No. She just... disappeared. Into thin air."
"Huh, strange. Maybe we'll see her again at some point. But now, let's go check on the status of local food production."
The unicorn and the dragon walked through the countryside. They were surrounded by expansive orchards of trees with red fruits hanging from them.
"This apl tree orchard is huge," Twilite mumbled. "I wonder how many slaves and peasants work here? There must be hundreds of them."
"Wait, did you say 'apl tree'?" Qash'gaar asked. "Aren't they apple trees?"
Twilite chuckled. "No, idiot, they're apl trees. Completely different. Only an imbecile like you wouldn't spot the difference."
Before he could answer that insult, the pair noticed an earth pony with an orange coat and blonde hair. She wore a brown stetson hat and had set up some baskets nearby. Grey smoke plumed out of a cigarette in her mouth and she had grey bags under her weary eyes.
"How about we watch an apl bucker at work?" Twilite asked Qash'gaar.
"Alright, old fellow, 'tis time to go," the pony said to a tree, turned around and kicked it with her hind legs. The tree screamed in pain as its bark cracked.
"Huh, yer a tough one, aren't ya?" the pony mumbled before kicking it again. The tree wailed in agony as sticky tree blood spurted out of its shattered skin.
"Come on now, ya ain't gonna survive the third one. Just give up already." She kicked it once again and the creature was torn asunder, brown blood and guts spraying out of its fatal injury. Its upper half fell onto the ground and its leaves rustled for the last time. The pony, satisfied with her work, grabbed a knife out of a basket and harvested the bulbous red organs hanging from its lifeless branches, throwing them into the empty baskets nearby.
Qash'gaar stared at the sight with his mouth open. "This will give me nightmares. Not that my life isn't a nightmare already."
Twilite ignored him and approached the bucker. "Wait a second," she murmured to herself when she saw her from a closer distance. "I know that face! She's an Element! What a lucky coincidence!" She cleared her throat and said "Greetings, peasant! I am Twilite Spark!"
She turned to see the strangers and smiled. "Well, howdy-doo, Miss Twilite, a pleasure makin' your acquaintance. I'm Apljack. We here at Apl Murder Acres sure do like- Hold yer horses, are ya a unicorn? Hang on." She grabbed a shotgun from a nearby basket. "State yer business and say hello to Winona," she said and tapped the gun.*
Twilite's eyes widened and she took a few steps back. "Sweet crotch of Celestia! What are you doing with that gun?"
"Listen, sugarcube, whenever a unicorn comes here, they're either collectin' taxes, tryin' to sell GMO seeds, doin' inspections, tryin' to take custody of my lil' sister or generally just oppressin' us. I've simply learned to be cautious, that's all."
Twilite gulped. "Hehe, well, I am here to do an inspection. You see-"
Apljack raised the weapon and pointed its barrel at Twilite. "Then I gotta kindly ask ya to bugger off, sugarcube," she said with a smile. "Tell yer boss that all's fine and dandy here. No animal abuse or child labour, alright?"
Twilite backed away. "Sure, okay then, I'll be leaving now. Bye! Nice to meet you, I guess..."
She cantered a fair distance away. Qash'gaar followed her and asked "So you're just going to leave? You do know that you could massacre twenty ponies in an instant with your magic powers? There's no reason to be afraid of an inbred bucker with an old gun."
"She's an Element of Harmony, Spike! If I harm her in any way, Celestia will haunt me in my nightmares next time I go to sleep. Let's just leave her alone."
"...Sure She will. So, what's next?"
"We're going to inspect the other agricultural production facilities here."
"Why can't you just say 'farms'?"
"Because I am a very smart person, unlike someone else in close proximity who talks like a filthy mud pony."
Qash'gaar wondered what was the cruelest way to butcher a horse.
* For almost five years, the bronihood has pondered how ponies (excluding unicorns) hold guns. Some say that they hold them with their mouths, but that is utterly ridiculous. Others say that the guns are attached to their sides, which is also stupid, because how do they pull the trigger? Then there are those that say they hold them like humans do, but that still doesn't answer the previous question. Seriously, how can a pony pull the trigger of a gun without fingers?
Whatever the truth may be, I will take no part in solving this conundrum. Imagine Apljack holding the gun in whatever way you want.
"...And hemp production is functioning at maximum capacity. There, that's all about agriculture," Twilite said as the two approached the village. "Next we'll have to find the ponies responsible for weather control. They seem to be doing a good job, but those tiny stray clouds just floating there annoy me."
"Watch the fuck out!" a flying pegasus shouted moments before hitting her at great speed. The two rolled on the ground some distance before coming to a stop.
"Agh, shit that hurt a lot... Oh fuck!" the chubby blue pony exclaimed as she got up. "You alright? I'm really fucking sorry, I just-"
"Aaaarghh!" Twilite moaned and grasped her side, "Sweet crotch of Celestia, I think one of my ribs broke!"
"Shit! Uh, listen, I'm really sorry! Don't take this to court, we can sort this out! Does your insurance cover this or some shit?"
"Yes, it should- Wait a moment, I think I can fix this," Twilite said and closed her eyes. Her horn was covered with purple energy and her insides rustled and cracked. She winced in pain, but then let out a sigh of relief. "Whew, I knew that spell would be useful one day."
"Are you serious?" Qash'gaar asked in frustration. "What other handy medical spells do you know? Did I pack up all this medicine, plaster, disinfectant and et cetera for nothing?"
Twilite ignored him, stood up and recognized the face of the pegasus. "Oh, another Element! What a lucky coincidence!" she mumbled to herself quietly before saying "Greetings, pegasus! I am Twilite Spark of Canterlot, Chosen One of the Princess!"
The pegasus raised an eyebrow. "Uh, hey there. So, will you promise that you won't tell any judges or the Overmare about this?"
"I promise," Twilite said with a nod and a smile.
The pegasus wiped her forehead and sighed in relief. "Phew, good, I won't be sentenced to slavery," she said, cleared her throat and adjusted her posture to be more confident. "I'm Rash 'Fucking' Bowdian, the coolest motherfucker in town. Fastest hunk of junk in the gallopxy and over all a pretty fantastic bitch. My job is to move around clouds and shit."
"Ah, so you're one of the ponies responsible for weather control?"
She nodded. "Yup. If I wanted, I could turn this place into a desert, a glacier or a fiery Tartarus straight from the cover of a metal album."
Twilite's smile vanished as she pointed at the sky above with her han- hoof. "May I then inquire why those clouds are there? I mean, what's the point of having some clouds just scattered randomly across the sky? You either have a clear sky, a fully cloudy sky or a stormy sky. This is none of them! And this is unacceptable!"
Rash frowned. "What, you some kind of a fucking control freak?"
"She has OCPD," Qash'gaar said. "Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. She freaks out about stuff like this all the time."
"A-ha. Well, miss control freak, I'll take away those fucking clouds you're so damn worried about, but later. Right now I'm practicing."
Twilite raised an eyebrow and asked "Practicing for what?"
The pegasus spread her wings and took off into the air, floating above Twilite. "The motherfucking Grand Galloping Army, bitch! Always wanted to join the military and fight against big-ass monsters and ugly-ass aliens."
Twilite sighed. "The Grand Galloping Army? Let me guess, you know nothing about them?"
"I know they're badass as fuck," Rash said and spun a few times in the air.
"Well, allow me to englighten you, then," she said and took a deep breath. "Every soldier, well most of them anyways, is armed with a pathetic gun that can hopefully scratch the skin of your enemy when fired in massive volleys. The places you'll travel to will be ravaged by war and turned into hellish, nightmarish landscapes of pure horror that will make you forget that the concept of 'paradise' even ever existed.
"Your enemies will be eldritch horrors, horrible monsters and savage aliens that will gladly massacre you and your companions. The average life expectancy of a pony shortens to almost nothing when they join the army. Do you know how many ponies perished in the last war with the Gryphon Kingdom? Seven million. Seven million. It would take almost half a year to count to a number so large!"
Twilite ended the rant and panted for a while before asking "Well, do you still want to join the military?"
Rash's eyes had widened and her mouth hung wide open. Then she smiled and laughed in amazement. "Are you fucking kidding? That is the most metal fucking thing I've ever heard! Holy shit! I need to train harder so I can join the military as soon as possible! Oh my goddess, this is gonna be so awesome!" She pushed her cheeks with her hoofs and made that dank meme-face. Huh? What do you mean by "it was dank four years ago"?
Twilite's eyes had widened and her mouth hung open. "What? Are you crazy? Why would you- agh, I give up! Do what you want!" Twilite was about to turn and leave before she got an idea. "Wait, you know what? I doubt the military will let you join them if you can't clear the sky in five minutes."
Rash ceased to be a fangirl, sighed and said "Alright, I'll clear it if it's such a gigantic stick up your cleft. And you know what? I'm gonna show just how fucking great I am by clearing the whole fucking sky in ten seconds flat!"
Twilite frowned. "You mean exactly ten seconds? Not even a nanosecond less or more? But that's mathematically so close to impossible the chance is represented by a zero!"
Rash chuckled. "Listen, nerd, you know what I say to mathematics? Fuck you. Watch and weep, shitbrain."
With a single mighty flap of her wings the pegasus plunged at the nearest cloud and shattered it. With a sharp turn made possible only by raw skill and strength she leaped at another one and sundered it as well. Then she flew at another one and broke it with a strong kick of her back legs, and so on until the whole sky above was clear of clouds.
She crashed on the ground, her wings barely beating the air any longer, so heavily panting that her breath whizzed. "Oh, holy, shit, that, was tough, phew." She rolled on her back and tapped her puffy stomach. "Maybe I should train more often instead of lying on clouds doing nothing," she muttered to herself.
Twilite was far from being impressed, for her face was twisted in anger. "You blithering idiot! You were supposed to carefully move the clouds away, not break them! Do you know how much they cost to manufacture? Do you know how many slaves died making them? I want to talk to your supervisor!"
"Uh, I am the supervisor."
"What?" Twilite asked in disbelief. "How are you in charge of anything?"
"Well, let's just say that blackmail is magic. Could you two fuck off while I rest here for a while? Thanks, asshats," she said, closed her eyes and sighed.
"Let's go, Spike," Twilite said and glared at Rash. "We need to find that drunken architect who designed those abhorrent piles of bricks and hay and talk to the local Overmare."
The pair approached a large tower in the middle of the village. "This must be the Overmare's palace," Twilite said. "They tend to be the most impressive buildings in settlements." They entered through the large and unguarded main gate.
Inside was a large hall that was being decorated by a white unicorn with a violet mane. She wore a luxurious white dress on her body with golden embroidery and milky opals and a golden halo crafted out of gold on her head. Around her toiled a dozen robed stallions, carrying various decorations. Three other stallions were chanting behind her.
"No, no, no, my little worshippers!" she said. "Goddess no, that won't do! Move the tapestry to the left! The Overmare must be impressed when she arrives and everything must be absolutely perfect!"
"Your wish is our command, Divinity the Gorgeous. We only desire to serve," one of the robed ponies said.
Twilight gasped. "Sweet crotch of Celestia, what is this heresy?! Celestia is the only god and there are no others, for all other so-called deities pale in comparison when it comes to magnificence and sexiness!"
Qash'gaar stared at the holy horse in wonder and dropped the luggage he was carrying. "There is a god after all," he mumbled. "And she's a beautiful one. Screw Celestia, this is the kind of goddess I want to serve."
"What?!" Twilight asked. "What happened to you?"
"My heart feels like it's beating again after years of silence. I have seen true perfection, and it's sexy as heck."
Twilite raised an eyebrow. "How on earth can a dragon, much less a baby dragon, be attracted to a horse? Did I finally go insane or is this some twisted version of reality?"
"If this is a dream, I'm going to murder you if you wake me up."
Twilite groaned in frustration, galloped to the white pony and shouted "In the name of Celestia, I condemn you all to be disgusting heretics!"
Everyone turned to look at Twilite and the choir stopped chanting. The white unicorn blinked a few times before chuckling. "Oh, don't worry dear mortal, I do not claim to be a god! Hahah, no, I am just a very humble servant of the Princess!" Her golden halo gleamed magnificently as a ray of the sun piercing the windows above reflected off its surface.
"Then what is this? Why do these ponies worship you?" Twilite asked.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Saint Divinity, proud head of the Church of the Marshmallow Saint. We revere the Princess, and my followers simply see me as an undying representation of her sacred spirit. The Inquisition has approved our sect so there's no need to worry about heresy."
Twilite's frown dissipated when she realized something. "I know her, she's an Element!" she mumbled. "What a lucky coincidence!"
"Eh, what was that?" Divinity asked.
"Oh, I just realized how rude I was. Sorry for my misunderstanding. I am Twilite Spark, Chosen One of the Prin-"
"Chosen One?" Divinity asked and chuckled. "I think you are badly mistaken, for the immortal daughter of the Princess stands right here before you! I am the Chosen One."
Twilite raised an eyebrow. "What?! Excuse me, but Celestia sends me visions and calls me her most faithful student!"
"Hah, most faithful student perhaps, but not most beloved daughter, am I right? Quit being delusional and embrace humility, naked mortal."
Twilite's eye twitched. "You know what, I have more important things to worry about. Where can I find the Overmare?"
"Oh, don't you know? We haven't had an Overmare for four moons since the last one was eaten by a hydra. The new Overmare is coming here soon, and we're preparing for her arrival!"
"A-ha," Twilite said.
"Oh, may I ask why your pet is staring at me like that?"
Twilite turned to see Qash'gaar just standing there, intensely gazing at Divinity.
"Erm, he's just... I think he'll want to join your church."
"What? Sorry, dear mortal, but pets aren't allowed."
"I am no pet, your glorious grace," Qash'gaar said. "And I indeed wish to become an ardent worshipper of yours."
"Ugh," Twilite sounded and rolled her eyes.
"Oh, good!" Divinity said. "But I'm not entirely sure about this. An alien in our church? What would the Princess think if she knew of it?"
Qash'gaar ran to Divinity and wrapped his hands around her leg. "Please, I beg you! Let me worship you, praise your name and pray for you in times of distress!"
Divinity stroked Qash'gaar's head with her hoof. "Very well then, you have my blessing. But to officially join, you'll need to attend expensive courses where you will learn the basic ideals of our church as well as donate a set amount of money. Those members of the church who are the most generous and subservient will have a chance to see a divine treasure revealed before them... and maybe even get to play around with it," she said and gave him a wink.
Qash'gaar's eyes widened and he gasped. "Really? I'll do all of that as soon as I get some money, I promise!"
"Uh, may I ask one thing?" Twilite asked and made her question irrelevant. "Why are you decorating the palace?"
"I am responsible for the aesthetics of this hamlet. My faithful followers help me around, as you can see." The stallions smiled in response.
"I'm just wondering, did you happen to design the new houses of this village?"
"Why, yes, during rebuilding I designed inadequate homes fitting for poor, filthy earth ponies, slightly better ones for pegasi and unicorns and finally a magnificent temple for our organization."
"Ahh, that's why those houses looked so terrible and rickety. Alright then, no worries. We'll leave you alone to decorate the place. Spike, stop caressing her and follow me."
Qash'gaar's legs obediently pulled his body away from his divine love. "No! I want to admire her for just a little bit longer! Noooooo!"
"...In conclusion, this village is in good condition and ready to be declared a fully operational settlement once again. Your loving daughter, Twilite Spark," she dictated as she walked under a setting sun.
"The only thing you're loving is my torture," Qash'gaar grumbled. "Why did you order me to go? I wanted to look at her for just a while longer!"
"Shut up, Spike, and send the message."
Qash'gaar mumbled something incomprehensible, wrapped the report scroll and brought it near his mouth. Green flame spewed out of it, consuming the scroll and vaporizing it. "There, done. Should arrive in Canterlot in a moment."
"Good- wait, do you hear that?" Twilite asked when she heard singing nearby. The sound was coming from behind a knoll. "Come, Spike, let's see where that's coming from!"
Twilite trotted around the knoll and stopped to gasp in terror. Horrifying monsters had gathered there, hairy, slimy, bloody, bony, moist and fanged creatures from your worst nightmares. Some had leathery wings, others bulbous black eyes, a few had bleeding holes scattered across their body and one of them had green pus profusely flowing from its gaping maws.
And they were all singing.
The light yellow pegasus with a pink mane standing before them said "Alright, everyone, could you please stop, I kindly ask you?" in a soft and quiet voice. She flew near a floating sack of guts. "Excuse me, sir? I mean, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off."
The macabre bag sent out a whistling sound from its orifices. The pegasus smiled and returned to her former position. "Now, follow me, please. A-one, a-two, a-one two three-"
"Sweet crotch of Celestia, what is happening here?!" Twilite finally managed to shout after staring at the sight for a while.
The monsters screeched and squeaked in terror and scattered away.
"Oh no! Come back, little ones, it's all fine!" the yellow pegasus cried, but they didn't listen and disappeared amongst the trees. She turned to look at the rude stranger and asked "Sorry, but may I ask, what did you do that for?"
"Excuse me, I just-" Twilite managed to say before recognizing her face. "What a lucky coincidence!" she mumbled to herself. "It's one of the Elements!"
"What did you say? I didn't quite hear you," the pegasus asked with a frown.
"I am Twilite Spark," Twilite announced, "Chosen One of the Princess!"
"Oh, pleasant to meet you," she said and smiled warmly. "I am your friendly neighbourhood inquisitor Shutterfly."
Twilite's eyes widened and she gasped. Only then did she notice the symbol on the silver necklace hanging around the pegasus' neck. "Um, I..." she mumbled quietly.
"Sorry, I can't hear you. Could you speak just a little bit louder, please?"
Twilite backed away and tried to behave calmly. "Eh... I just... have to go now," she said even more quietly.
"Excuse me, miss, but I didn't quite catch that. I kindly asked you to speak louder, not more quietly. Really sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough."
Twilite squealed and was tempted to cast a teleportation spell.
The monsters slowly crawled out of their hiding places, and Shutterfly turned to see them. "Ah, you're back! Wonderful! Let's get back to practicing for the Overmare's Welcoming Gala!"
Twilite used this chance to gallop away. She saw Qash'gaar behind the knoll, lying under a pile of luggage. "Twilite?" he said in a pained tone. "I think my spine shattered."
"We need to get out of here!" she exclaimed and kept galloping. "Stop being so lazy and carry that luggage with you, we need to find a place to hide in!"
Qash'gaar thought that slowly drawing a knife across the middle of the body would be quite a cruel, but perhaps not cruel enough way to butcher a horse.
"Wait!" Shutterfly called and flew after Twilite. "Where are you going? Don't you want to hear my pets sing? Did I insult you in some way? Oh, goddess, I'm really sorry if I did!"
"Don't worry," Qash'gaar mumbled beneath the stack of bags. "She's just worrying about nothing as always."
Shutterfly turned in surprise and approached the sound. "Oh dear, are you alright?"
"Yes, I am perfectly fine, can't you see?" Qash'gaar responded. "I love having a heap of heavy luggage on my back."
"Let me help you, little one," she said, pulled Qash'gaar from the mound and gasped. "Wait, are you... a baby dragon? I thought dragons were extinct! Aww, look at the little creature with its purple scales and big green eyes! He's sooo cute! And I didn't know dragons could talk!"
"That's racist," Qash'gaar said.
"This is just so incredibly wonderful, I don't even know what to say! What's your name? My name is Shutterfly."
"I am Qash'gaar, son of Ancalagon the Black. May he rest in peace."
"Can you tell me about yourself?"
"Do you really want to hear the miserable complaints of a lost cause?"
"No, I just want to hear a dragon talk!"
"Ugh, fine. I am an over two decades old spirit stuck in this body of a weak child. My life is endless servitude and I have lost every shrivel of hope and optimism. I am unable to feel joy and happiness. I don't even remember what gems and ice cream taste like, and I used to eat them all the time-"
"Spike! Come over here!" Twilite called from a distance.
"Well, looks like I need to go. Thank you for your help. This dragon will be in debt," he said with a respectful bow, put all the luggage on his pained back and walked after his master.
"You're welcome. It was nice talking with you, Qash'gaar!" Shutterfly said with a smile and waved.
"Spike, are you absolutely certain she's not coming after me?" Twilite asked nervously.
"Asked the lavender unicorn from someone who couldn't see what's behind him," Qash'gaar, who was carrying a particularly obstructing mound of luggage on his back, said. "But you shouldn't worry. She was busy training her pets to sing."
"Pets? Those creatures were horrifying. That pegasus must be insane or something," Twilite said before noticing a peculiar structure nearby. "What's that?"
An ancient tree, older than the nation of Equestria and the Princess herself, had lived there for more than a thousand years and grown to become one of the largest trees in the world. Then it had been carved up, torn apart and turned into a tacky building.
Qash'gaar walked to its door and noticed a sign. "Golden Oak Public Library. It's closed for the night."
Twilite gasped and her eyes widened. "A library? Oh my goddess!" She ran to its door and tore down the sign. "It belongs to me now. If anyone says otherwise, I'll kill them."
Qash'gaar wondered what horse meat tasted like.
"How about we rest here for the night and prepare for the coming of Nightmare Moon tomorrow? Who knows, maybe there's some books here about her." Twilite cast a lock picking spell on the door and opened it.
It was dark inside, and the last rays of the sun did little to illuminate the library. "Where's the light switch?" Twilite mumbled and stepped inside.
The door behind her slammed shut.
"Spike?" Twilite asked and turned around.
She yelped when a vaguely familiar pink face was mere centimeters* away from her, staring at her with a disturbingly wide smile. The pony's light blue eyes shimmered with the light of madness. "SURPRISE!" she screamed and hit Twilite in the head with a frying pan, knocking her unconscious.
*That's about an inch, barbarians.
When Twilite regained consciousness, she tried to shake her head for some odd reason but found that a taut leather strap held it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks. As she writhed, the pink horse jumped suddenly into her line of sight. She, of course, didn't see her because it was still dark in the damn room. Sergeant Sprinkles isn't the sharpest scalpel on the tray, is he? Also, decent writers avoid using the word 'suddenly'.
"Goodie, you're awake. Now we can get started," she said gleefully, bounded into the darkness, and quickly reappeared (except she didn't, because it's still dark in the bloody room), pushing a small cart covered with a cloth.
“What’s going on? I can’t move!” Twilite said urgently. Why urgently? Because she needed to go to the toilet, I guess.
“Well duh, that’s because you’re tied down,” chided the earth pony. Chided? What? Why can't you just use 'said'? “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you’d need to be told that.”
“But why? What’s happening?" Twilite asked.
"You see, I really need some money for drugs, so I need to saw off your horn. I'm gonna sell it on the black market for a reeeaally good price!"
Twilite remembered that she could cast a spell. She closed her eyes and grunted, but nothing happened. "Wha-"
"You silly, I wrapped a cloth around your horn so you couldn't use it. I might be crazy but I'm not dumb! And then she said 'Let there be Light!" she then said joyously.
There was a sound of a switch flicking and the lights were turned on in the room. Twilite shouted "Sweet crotch of Celestia!" when she saw it: Colorful streamers of dried entrails hanged from the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were attached to the walls above the bookcases and organs done up in pastels filled with helium were tied to the backs of chairs. What chairs? Uh, hang on. The tables and chairs were made of bones and the preserved flesh of past ponies. There we go.
She cringed upon seeing the center piece of the table nearest to her. How many tables are there in the room? Ahem. The heads of four foals, their eyes closed as if they were sleeping, wore party hats made from their own skin. But she screeched when she saw the most terrifying thing in the room: On a leather banner hanging from the rafters was written "Lief is patry" in blood-red. This traumatizing slaughter of grammar would haunt her for the rest of her life.
Twilite’s attention was brought back by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She gaped at the pink pony who stood right in front of her. She wore a dress quilted from dried skin, emblazoned with cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all of different colors. As the earth pony skipped in excitement, her necklace of severed unicorn horns clacked together loudly. Twilite wondered why she hadn't sold them.
“Like it?” the psychopath asked. “I made it myself.” She grabbed a cruel instrument from the table. "After I get your horn, I'll cut off your wings. Oh wait, you don't have them yet! Silly me!"
"What are you doing?" Twilite asked in horror and confusion. "Spike! Where are you?!"
Qash'gaar was standing near the doorway. "I'm busy imagining that I'm eating popcorn right now."
Twilite hyperventilated and sweated when the madmare brought the instrument near her horn. "Say, why do they call it a hack saw?" the pink pony asked. "It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.” I facepalmed, because hacksaw is a closed form compound word, not open form. Also, a fucking semicolon. No.
Twilite opened her mouth, but squealed instead of answering. She closed her eyes and prepared to lose her beloved horn.
The pink horse laughed as Twilite felt a rubber saw flop on her forehead. "Ahahahahaha, you should see your face right now! You look so freaked out! Hahahaha, I should've brought a camera! Did you really think I was some kind of psycho? Hehehehe! I would never intentionally hurt anyone, stupid!"
Twilite opened her eyes. "What... was this all... a joke? But what about those morbid decorations?! Your clothes?!"
"They're all plastic, cloth and animal leather, silly! Ahahahaha, wasn't this funny?" she asked and slapped Twilite on the shoulder. "Oh, I almost forgot, here's your horn!" she said and presented her a purple dildo. "Hehehehe!"
Twilite glared at her and shouted "You freak! This wasn't funny in the slightest! You are a freaking madmare!"
The pink pony's smile disappeared and her hair deflated slightly. "Uh... wait a second, I remember you!" she said and smiled again. "You're Twilite, that stranger I spooked with a fake asthma spasm! Ahahaha, wasn't that funny? I would've scared your pants off if you had been wearing any!"
"You are a monster," Twilite muttered.
"A pot calls a kettle black," Qash'gaar said.
"I don't get that joke," the pink pony said. "Kettles and pans are metallic, not black. And the joke is sillily racist!"
"Sillily isn't a word and kitchen utensils don't have races. Now release me!"
"Okey-dokey!" she said and did as ordered. "My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie, by the way!"
"I'm going to call you Pink Pain," Twilite muttered.
"By the way," Qash'gaar said, "I unpacked all our things while you were knocked out. Also, Pinkamena promised to clean up this mess."
Twilite glared at him. "You! Were you plotting against me with this maniac?"
"Well, duh, of course I was."
"Then you are going to clean this place! This instant!" she shouted before turning to face Pink. "Leave my house right now."
Pink raised an eyebrow. "Isn't this the public library? I was busy setting up this prank for the first pony who would come here tomorrow before you appeared!"
Twilite threw away the piece of cloth on her horn and it gleamed with magical energy. "Get out. Now."
Pink chuckled nervously, plastic unicorn horns clattering around her neck. "Okay, bye! See you at dawn at the Overmare's Welcoming Gala!"
Twilite frowned as the pink pony left the building. "At dawn?"
"Will you go?" Qash'gaar asked.
Twilite sighed and rubbed her eyes. "I'll sleep first. This has been the worst day of my life," she said and walked up the stairs to sleep on the bed she saw Qash'gaar had prepared.
"Wonderful," Qash'gaar mumbled to himself, smiled and cleaned up the mess Pink had made.
To avoid getting decapitated for plagiarism, I must say that parts of the text above were originally written by Sergeant Sprinkles and that I do not claim to be their original writer. May he rest in peace.
Twilite opened her eyes. She could see from the window in front of her that the sun was still behind the horizon. She sat up on her bed and yawned. Qash'gaar slept in a giant hat on the floor. Twilite figured that because she still had some time before the Gala, she might as well have some fun.
She took out a small painted portrait from a bag lying on the floor. It was a depiction of the Princess from her days of glory. She wore her gleaming regalia and a golden suit of armour as she stood on her hind legs and punctured a disgusting gryphon with her long horn. A shining halo decorated her fair head.
"Such... Godly magnificence," Twilite mumbled and caressed the portrait. She wanted to kiss it, but the painting would've been ruined, so instead she took another picture from the bag. It was a photograph of the Princess' rotten skeleton sitting on her throne. Strands of light blue, pink and lime green hair still hung from her bare skull.
"Ohh, you're just so... gorgeous," she said and began to kiss and lick the image.
An alarm clock set off, and Twilite almost dropped the photograph in surprise. She quickly put the two images in the bag as Qash'gaar woke up.
"Have a good day, and don't forget to smile!" said the cheery alarm clock before Qash'gaar shattered it with his fist. He rubbed his eyes, looked at the destroyed clock, grunted and asked "What time is it? And don't say it's adventure time."
"It's time for the Gala, Spike. Let's go and finally meet the Overmare!"
The main hall of the Overmare's palace was crowded with unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies. They had all stayed awake during the night to prepare for the event, and as a result many of them yawned and had trouble keeping their eyes open.
Twilite and Qash'gaar entered the hall. The dragon couldn't see anything because of the tall ponies surrounding him. "Twilite, can I sit on your back?" he asked.
She chuckled in response. "Funny, Spike. Very funny."
Qash'gaar glared at her as Pink appeared from the crowd. "Good pre-morning, Twilite!"
She sighed. "What do you want?"
Pink presented her a bottle of yellowish liquid. "I feel bad for making you unhappy last night, so I have a present for you!"
Twilite frowned. "What is it? Cider?"
Pink shook her head. "No, it's some reeeaally good whiskey. Try it!" she said and opened the bottle.
Twilite's horn glowed and the bottle floated to her. She examined the labeling, shrugged and drank. She swallowed some of the liquid, spat out the rest and screeched in agony.
"Hahahaha, surprise! It's actually sulfuric acid!"
Apljack trotted to them as she heard the scream. "What's goin' on?"
"Twilite drank acid," Qash'gaar told happily.
"What in damnation? Did ya give it to her?" she asked Pink.
"Uh, yes. Wasn't it funny?"
"Are ya bloody insane? Why did ya think it was a good idea to make somepony drink acid?"
"I thought it just tasted a bit sour when I drank it!" Pink said while Twilite retched in pain.
Rash landed nearby and approached them. "What the fuck happened? Pink, did you try to fucking prank somepony again?"
Pink's hair deflated a bit when she saw Rash's disapproving face. "Yeah. I thought it would be funny!"
Rash sighed in frustration. "For fuck's sake Pinkamena, you're always trying to make every fucking pony in town laugh by being random as heck and pulling off shit pranks, but you always end up harming them!"
Pink's hair deflated even more and she looked at the floor. "Sorry."
"Oh dear, what's happening?" asked Shutterfly who arrived there with a slimy pet on her back.
Divinity approached them, gasped and said "In the name of Celestia, what is wrong with her?"
Apljack held Twilite as she moaned in agony and grasped her stomach. "She tried to prank somepony again," Apljack said and pointed at Pink.
Shutterfly gasped. "Oh no! What did she do now?"
Rash grabbed the bottle and poured some of the liquid onto the floor, which sizzled a little as a result."Damn, looks like she gave her acid to drink. Holy shit."
Divinity sighed. "Then we must pray for her survival, for only the Princess can save her now."
"Can't you cast some spell to remove the acid from your body and heal yourself?" Qash'gaar asked Twilite.
"Aaaaarrghhh!" she responded.
He shrugged. "I guess the answer is a resounding no."
"I know who can help!" Shutterfly said and grabbed the oozy slug from her back. "Here's Willy, he can suck away the acid! He always likes drinking vinegar and bleach!"
Twilite gagged, tears flowing from her eyes. Shutterfly stroked her mane and said "There, there" as she pushed Willy inside her mouth. Twilite groaned and closed her eyes. There was a slurping sound, and soon Willy's thirst was quenched and he slithered out of her mouth. "Good job, Willy! Mommy is very proud of you!" Shutterfly said and rubbed the slug with her cheek.
Twilite gasped and cast a very convenient spell to heal the injured parts of her digestive organs. "Ugh, that was horrible," she muttered and turned to look at the others. "But... Why did you help me?"
Apljack smiled and punched her lightly on the shoulder. "Why, we're yer friends! It wouldn't be very nice to let a friend suffer, now would it?"
Twilite frowned. "Excuse me?"
"She's right, shitbrain. Broponies care for each other's asses," Rash said and frowned. "Hm, 'broponies' is a bit shit... ah, but 'bronies' is better!"
"Thank the Princess you're alright! I was so worried about you!" Divinity said. "I'm so glad She was merciful and spared your poor soul!"
"Sorry, Twilite. I guess I'm a bad friend," Pink said, still staring at the floor with deflated hair.
Twilite's eye twitched. "What? Sweet crotch of Celestia, no, I'm not your friend!" she shouted. "I met each of you freaks today, didn't like any of you, and now we're suddenly friends? Did any of you sleep at all last night or are you being serious?"
"Uh, we just-" Apljack said.
"You are a violent peasant with the thickest accent I've ever heard!" Twilite shouted at her before turning to Pink. "You're a freak, a monster, and an idiot. I don't even want to guess how much suffering you've caused by trying to suck assuring laughter out of people in desperation!" She turned to Rash. "You're the most foul-mouthed, stupid and lazy prick I've met!" She turned to Divinity. "You're a delusional egoist who abuses religion to get money to spend on fancy dresses and temples!" She turned to Shutterfly. "You're-"
Her scowl dissipated as Shutterfly glared at her.
"Ehe, I mean, you're alright, inquisitor-"
"Twilite Spark!" she shouted. "You are being very rude! These ponies welcome you with open arms, immediately want to befriend you and even save your life, yet this is how you treat them in return? You should be ashamed!"
Twilite could no longer maintain eye contact. "Please don't kill me," she squeaked.
Shutterfly raised an eyebrow. "What? Kill you?"
"Isn't that what you've been ordered to do? I haven't embraced Harmony, been without friends for ages and now I will be executed."
Shutterfly raised an eyebrow. "Ordered? Sorry, but I haven't been given any orders."
Twilite looked at her again. "Really?"
"Yes. Now apologize to these ponies! I mean, could you please do that? I kindly ask you."
Twilite wiped her forehead. "Phew! Sure thing, Shuttefly. I am terribly sorry, everypony."
"Nah, it's alright," Apljack said. "How 'bout we all hug each other and forgive Twilite?"
Other ponies smiled and nodded, even Pink, though one could still see sorrow in her eyes.
As the ponies closed on Twilite and were about to embrace her, she pushed them back. "What are you doing? We're not that close yet!"
"Oh, sorry, Twilite," Pink said, her smile gone as fast as it had appeared. "If I bother you so much, I guess I'll go outside and inject some fun into myself..."
"Twilite," Shutterfly said kindly, "I'm really sorry, but if you behave rudely again I might kill you, if that's okay with you. Be kinder, okay?"
Twilite stared at her for a moment. "Okay..."
The bombastic sound of trumpets echoed in the hall. Tired ponies groaned in pain when the loud sound punched their weary brains.
An earth pony soldier glad in shining barding stepped onto a stage at the back of the hall and spoke into a microphone. "Fillies and gentlecolts, and their parents as well, it is my great honor to introduce you the new 'democratically elected' ruler of your town, the very pony who raised Manehattan out of economic depression and reinstated law and order in Fillydelphia, the good, the wise, the bringer of Harmony to all of Equestria... Overmare Josef Adolf Leopold Mao!"
Curtains were drawn back on a balcony above, but no one was behind them. Ponies in the crowd gasped and chattered nervously.
The soldier raised an eyebrow. "Uh, remain calm everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" shouted someone before appearing on the balcony. The voice belonged to a panting white unicorn with a pink mane and artificial pegasus wings. She was morbidly obese and her eyes were stern and red. Two evil suns decorated her flanks. "Greetings, underlings!" she yelled to the ponies below after catching her breath. "Behold, it is me, your new glorious leader! Rejoice!"
The crowd remained silent.
The Overmare pouted and said "Fire a warning shot" to a nearby unicorn soldier who blasted the roof with a ray of magic. Ponies below screamed.
"Let's try this again, shall we? Rejoice!"
The crowd cheered reluctantly.
"Better," the Overmare mumbled to herself. "But decimation will be necessary to teach them a lesson." She signaled her soldiers that the next phase was ready. "I bring a present to you, ponies of Ponyville! A great statue of your newest and greatest Overmare, made out of immensely valuable moonrock!"
Two soldiers pulled an equine statue with ropes onto the stage below. It was a flattering portrayal of the Overmare, for her statue was nowhere near as fat as she was. The statue stood on its hind legs and looked down upon those who viewed it from ground level.
The statue's surface cracked.
The Overmare frowned. "What? I want the sculptor to be hanged!"
Parts of the statue eroded away and dark, shimmering clouds burst out of its seams.
"The sculptor is a crazy cultist!" the Overmare shouted. "The statue is tainted with dark magic! Find the sculptor and burn him!"
The moonrock statue exploded, shrapnel scattering and injuring those nearby. Pure essence of the night flowed out of its remnants and shifted into a fearsome black alicorn. Dark blue fog covered the ceiling, lightning striking out of it and frying several ponies. Their meat became quite tender afterwards, so if you were able to get past the badly burned skin, you'd be in for a real treat.
The crowd gasped, screamed and yelped. This sight made the monstrous alicorn grin.
"Greetings, my dear children!" she said with a booming voice. "Have you missed me? Or have you consumed the lies fed by my sister, and embraced her worship?" She looked at the terrified ponies and sighed. "Of course you have. You disgust me."
"Who the fuck do you think you are, bitch?" Rash yelled and flew towards her, ready to punch her in the face.
Or kick. I don't know, how do pony hooves work? Are they like human hands?
Apljack, however, managed to latch onto her tail with her mouth. "Whoa there, Nelly!" she said with a muffled voice.
Rash winced in pain. "Ow! That really fucking hurts, Apljack! And my name isn't Nelly!"
She opened her mouth and let her go. "I know, Jenny, just don't fly at demigods, thinkin' you can beat them! That's just suicidal!"
"A daemon!" the Overmare above them shouted. "Soldiers, attack! A golden memorial for the first one to die!"
Earth pony soldiers aimed their guns at the monster and unleashed a barrage of gem shards while pegasus warriors armed with lances plunged at her and unicorn soldiers blasted her with magic.
Nightmare Moon chuckled. The dark clouds absorbed the attacks and struck the pegasi with lightning. The winged ponies screeched in pain as they smouldered and plummeted into the ground. Have you ever tried pegasus wings, by the way? They're twice as good as chicken wings. Seriously, try them someday.
The other soldiers seized to fire, staring at her in horror.
"Who was the first one to die?" the Overmare asked the nearby unicorn, who shrugged in response. "Good, now I don't need to construct any memorials, golden or not."
Nightmare Moon looked at the horrified ponies before her with a malicious grin. "Tell me, my dear children, do you fear the night? If you don't, there's no need to worry, for I will make you terrified of the stars, hopeful of a dawn that will never come! I, Nightmare Moon, will harness the great power of the Elements and smother the sun to make night eternal. If I am not to rule the kingdom of the living, then I shall rule the dominion of the dead, watch all that lives rot and wither away in a lightless world! Fear me, my children. Fear the darkness and the shadows. *Fear the night."*
Twilite stepped forwards, standing before the crowd. "Nightmare Moon! I, the Chosen One of Celestia, have come here to destroy you!"
At first Nightmare was flabbergasted, but then she laughed. "Oh, truly? I am terrified, measly unicorn. Her Dead and Rotting Majesty must have taught you well! Hahahahahaa!"
Twilite motioned her 'friends' to come forward before turning back to face Nightmare Moon. "Listen, monster, I have found the Eleme-"
Nightmare Moon was still laughing when her body dissipated and turned into a cloud. The fog headed outside.
Twilite gasped. "Quick, Rash, catch her!"
Rash frowned. "What the fuck? How the heck am I supposed to catch a cloud?"
"I don't know, just-"
And like that, she was gone.
II: Return of the Lunatic
Anna was an ant. She belonged to the working caste, and had worked hard to serve the queen of her colony for almost the entire year. She had taken care of larvae, escaped the ravenous fangs of predatory bugs more than once and travelled across the land looking for food and supplies to help maintain the colony. Now she walked across rough gravel towards her home that she could see in the distance, below the old willow tree.
Her chitin cracked and her organs were turned to paste as a hoof squished her small body. She writhed in pain for a long while afterwards before finally receiving the mercy of death.
Her murderer galloped forward, unaware of her death. "Come, Spike, we're going to our home!"
"You mean the library?" asked Qash'gaar who ran after her. "But why?"
"To find out where Nightmare Moon thinks the Elements are! Celestia mentioned that they're not items, so it must mean her sister believes they are... and so must the general populace! That must mean there's a book about these fake 'Elements', and if they are thought to be nearby, because why else would Nightmare Moon come here, a copy of that book will certainly be in the library!"
"Huh, that's actually pretty smart," Qash'gaar said. "Maybe you're not as stupid as I think you are."
"You're certainly as stupid as I think you are. Now come on, it's not far away!"
Twilite and Qash'gaar scoured the bookcases. "Elements, Elements, Elements..." Twilite mumbled as she examined the books under "E" and frowned. "These books are horribly unorganized! What imbecile worked here before I took this place over? I'll have to organize every single book, but later..."
"Good!" Qash'gaar said with a genuine smile. "We have no time to waste and you're finally showing your disorder who's boss!"
She stared at the Chronicles of Narm and the Commentaries on the Gargoyle War which were both placed under "E" and trembled.
"Sweet crotch of Celestia, I can't take this," she muttered before she threw down all the books from the shelves and started to reorganize them.
Qash'gaar wondered what a purple fur coat would look like on him.
"Sup, bitch!" Rash said.
Twilite yelped and dropped the forty-two books she had been levitating with magic. "Rash, how on earth did you get inside? And why did you follow me?"
"I saw you leave without saying a single fucking thing, so I flew after your purple ass," she said, floating above her and fluttering her wings.
"How did you get inside?" Twilite asked again.
"You left the fucking door open, smartass. Now tell me what the fuck you were planning to do when you gathered us around you and threatened that damn freak. That was badass, by the way!"
"I'll tell you later," she said and slammed the door shut with her magic.
"Augh! My divine snout!" exclaimed someone behind the door.
Twilite raised an eyebrow. "Who's there?" she asked.
"Who do ya think? It's yer friends!"
"I don't have any frien- oh, right," she said and opened the door.
Divinity, Apljack, Shutterfly and Pink entered inside. Divinity was holding her bleeding nose with her hoof and glared at Twilite while Pink's pupils were constricted and her breathing was slow and laborious. Her eyes twitched occasionally, but she still smiled widely and her hair was anything but deflated.
"Alright, shitbrain, how about you tell all of us what the fuck you were planning to do," Rash said to Twilite.
"Later," Twilite said and continued to place books on the shelves. "I need to find a certain book first."
"What book? Me and Willy could help you find it, if that's alright with you," Shutterfly said as Willy squirted slime at the walls.
"Here's the book that you're looking for, Twilite!" Qash'gaar said and raised a book from the pile on the floor.
"No thanks, Shutterfly. You see, I need to reorganize the books first so it'll be easier to find what I'm looking for."
Qash'gaar scowled. "I already found the book!"
Rash frowned. "What the fuck? Can't you just rummage through the fucking pile and find it that way?"
"I found it!" Qash'gaar shouted.
"Uh, girls? Sorry to interrupt, but Qash'gaar found the book," Shutterfly said quietly.
"I can't take this mess, Rash. I must organize it first," Twilite responded.
"For goddess' sake, my mortal friend, you must focus!" Divinity said after her nose stopped bleeding.
"Girls?" Shutterfly asked.
Qash'gaar's eye twitched.
"Oh look! I found it!" Pink exclaimed as she grabbed Qash'gaar. "Here's the book!"
Twilite frowned. "Very funny, Pink Pain. Drop him and help me organize these- Hold on, what's that in your grasp, Spike?"
"The latest edition of Clopsutra, genius," Spike muttered and threw the book at Twilite, who grabbed it with magic, opened it and brought it close to her.
"Aha! The Elements of Harmony for Dummies! This should be it!"
"The Elements of Harmony?" Divinity asked in wonder. "The most sacred relics in Equestria? Oh, they are kept in the hallowed ruins of Old Canterlot! The bravest of Princess' followers pilgrimage there to set their eyes upon those mythical treasures!"
Twilite looked at Divinity and frowned. "Wait, you know what the Elements are?"
She chuckled. "Of course. I am a faithful servant of the Princess, after all. Seems like you are not, if you don't even know what the holiest relics in Equestria are."
Twilite threw the book back at Qash'gaar who was knocked unconscious after the book hit his head. Shutterfly gasped and flew to him.
"Alright then," Twilite said to Divinity, "show us the way to Old Canterlot."
She raised an eyebrow. "Wait, you mean we have to go there? But it's beyond the wall in the untamed wilderness!"
"Beyond what?"
Near the outskirts of the town stood a great wall that reached for the skies. The wall, unlike the shacks in the town, was made out of concrete and steel and built along the border of the countryside surrounding the village. A dark forest flourished on its other side.
"Ah, beyond that," Twilite said as she saw the wall. "Why was it built?"
"Horrible beasts came from the nearby forest every now and then and tormented us," Divinity said. "Our former Overmare ordered a wall to be erected to keep out the monsters."
"They're not monsters!" Shutterfly said. "They're simply misunderstood animals!"
"Yeah, right," Rash said and snorted. "Misunderstood animals like that fucker who fucking wrecked this place four goddess-damn moons ago."
Twilite frowned. "Four moons ago? Wasn't that when your old Overmare died?"
Apljack nodded. "Yup. Four moons ago the wall was done and finished, and the Overmare announced the village to be safe. That's when a hydra attacked, ruined the wall, ate the poor sod and destroyed Ponyville. We made it twice as high afterwards."
"Aha," Twilite said, "so that's why you had to rebuild the town." She looked around herself. "Where's Spike, by the way?"
"Qash'gaar is in the library," Shutterfly said, her tone lacking in kindness, "lying unconscious in a giant hat after you threw a book at him! Twilite Spark, if you don't apologize to him after he wakes up, you will burn!"
Twilite stared at her in shock. "O-okay, I, uh, promise!"
Shutterfly smiled warmly. "Good! Really sorry if I scared you. I sometimes lose my temper a little."
Twilite turned to face the others. "Alright, we will go through the forest to the old castle and defeat Nightmare Moon before she causes any havoc again."
"Aren't ya gonna ask us to leave and go by yerself?" Apljack asked.
She frowned. "What? No, I need you to defeat her!"
"Aw, I knew you would rely on your friends," Shutterfly said.
Twilite rolled her eyes.
"Oh, but what about the mud?" Divinity asked. "Not to mention the horrific monsters!"
"Oh, come on," Twilite said. "Don't be so terrified of grumkins and snarks."
"Hah! Grumkins! That sounds like some sort of torture device!" Pink said.
"A hydra did destroy the town, did ya forget?" Apljack asked.
Twilite waved dismissively. "Monsters are rare! We don't need to worry about them."
"But in the case they do attack us," Apljack said, "there's only four-"
"Six," Rash corrected.
"Six of us, so we'll be in mighty trouble! Going by ourselves would be crazy and dumb!"
"We can ask the motherfucking watchers on the damn wall to lend us a few bastards," Rash proposed.
A stallion with a black coat and a white mane stood on the ramparts and looked at the ruined castle in the horizon. A tame albino wolf stood next to him and growled as strangers arrived. He had a nice mustache below his nose and was quite old. You thought that was ponified Jon Snow for a moment, didn't you? Haha, got you!
He turned to look them, examining them for a moment before asking "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"I am Twilite Spark, Chosen One of the Princess!" Twilite announced.
"Wrong, my worthless friend, I am the Chosen One, remember?" Divinity said.
"Twilte, it's polite to say 'greetings' or 'hello' when you meet someone," Shutterfly advised.
Twilite sighed. "And here are my lovable 'friends'."
"What do you want?" he repeated.
"Uh, hey Dot Pixel," Rash said, "can you borrow us some of your fuckers? We're going into the fucking forest to save the whole damn world."
He raised an eyebrow. "You're going beyond the wall, into the Everfree forest? After that dark cloud, I presume?"
Twilite nodded. "Will you give us soldiers to accompany us?"
He turned back to look at the distant castle. "I'm running low on warriors. Rest of Equestria doesn't care about us and no longer sends soldiers, despite monster attacks getting increasingly common and this wall being the only obstacle between the forest and the capital. And many of the Survey Corps went on expeditions into the forest only to never come back. I said a thousand times that the expeditions were pointless, but they kept going. Now only a few of them remain to support the small garrison here."
"Oh, please," Shutterfly begged, "we need all the help we can get!"
He sighed. "Very well. You can have ten of my soldiers to accompany you. Promise me they'll return intact."
"I promise!" Twilite said.
"Also," he continued, "if you happen to find my lost uncle, tell him to come back or bury his remains, depending on what state he's in."
The group stood near a small gate that led to the forest beyond. They were waiting for their escorts to arrive and had already prepared their supplies. Because it would be idiotic to go into a forest without anything, wouldn't it?
Apljack looked at the forest through the lowered portcullis and sighed. "This is gonna be somethin' else," she muttered, grabbed a cigarette and ignited it.
"Smoking is bad for you, Apljack!" Pink said cheerily.
"Shut yer yap. I need it to relax," she said and put the cigarette in her mouth.
"I say we pray for our survival," Divinity said. "Only the Princess can save my beautiful dress from disgusting mud, and only with the Princess as our guardian will we be able to overcome the dangers of the forest!"
Others nodded in agreement. They turned their heads to northeast, the direction of Canterlot, prostrated themselves on the ground and began to pray.
"Our Mother of the Sun,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
on earth, as it is in the sky.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we have also forgiven our debtors
who still haven't forgiven us,
those pricks.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from discord.
Amon."
"May the Princess have mercy on our souls," Divinity said.
"Why are you so certain that we'll die?" Twilite asked as she stood up.
"The monsters beyond the wall are truly horrific, my dear mortal!" she said. "Manticores! Sea serpents! Murderous apl trees that escaped from Apljack's farm! Giant naked humanoids! And an even bigger giant naked humanoid, but without skin!"
"Don't forget the grumkins and the snarks!" Pink said happily.
"Uh, can some asshole tell me why the fuck the sun still hasn't risen?" Rash asked and looked at the dark sky above.
"I don't know," Twilite said and rubbed her chin. "Must be Nightmare Moon's influence."
"She must've eaten the sun! Teehehee!" Pink said.
"How did she completely lose her sanity?" Twlite asked the other ponies, who shrugged in response.
"Every time one of her pranks goes wrong," Shutterfly explained, "she starts acting like that, and doesn't stop until the next day."
"Huh," Twilite said, "strange."
Sixteen colourful horses entered the grim forest. Ten of them were armoured soldiers, wearing black cloaks over their iron barding. They were stoic and silent.
"Why is this forest called 'Everfree'?" Twilite asked.
"Because Ponydom will never tame it," Divinity said. "It will forever remain free of our domination. Plants grow by themselves, animals take care for themselves and the weather is somehow independent, even if it doesn't make any sense."
"Why can't you just cut down the trees?" Twilite asked.
"Because every damn time someone tries to..." Rash said, jumped in front of the group and shouted "The trees fucking eat them! Boo!"
Everyone stared at her with raised eyebrows.
Rash frowned. "Oh, fuck off. Didn't I scare the shit out of you?"
"Rash, you're standing on a cliff that's about to collapse," Twilite said.
"Wha- oh shit!" she shouted as the ground crumbled beneath her. Instead of using her wings, she ran forward and made more ground collapse with the stomps of her hooves and her mass of fat.
"You idiot!" Twilite yelled moments before she tumbled down the cliffside with the others.
Four pegasus soldiers, Shutterfly and Rash, who had finally realized that she could use her wings, floated above.
"Oh my goddess!" Shutterfly exclaimed. "We need to save them!"
"No shit, pisscoat. Let's go bastards!" Rash shouted and plunged down to save her friends.
One by one, the rolling horses were picked up by them. Only Twilite and Apljack, who were sliding downward, remained. Below them, the cliff became much steeper. They would soon fall into the ravine below, die gruesomely and traumatize the little girls watching the show.
However, Apljack managed to grasp a root conveniently jutting out of the cliffside with her mouth, while Twilite slowed down as the slope slanted up. She almost rolled off the edge and fell into her death, but managed to grab the ledge with her hooves somehow. They must be really sticky or something.
"Hm, there's what, eight pegasi?" Apljack mumbled. "That's enough to save all of us!"
"What the fuck are you waiting for, Apljack?" Rash asked as she carried Divinity. "Go save Twilite before she dies or some shit!"
"Why? Ain't there enough of-"
"Oh for goddess' sake, Apljack, there aren't!" Divinity said.
Two earth pony soldiers yelped as they fell into the ravine and exploded into a gory mess.
"Alrighty then," she mumbled and carefully descended to Twilite. She grabbed her hooves and tried to pull her up. "Ngh, yer too heavy!"
Twilite frowned. "Oh shut it, you just use your hind legs more so your front legs are weaker!"
"Nah, ya really are quite fat," she said.
"Just pull me up already!"
Apljack looked up. "Let go," she said to Twilite.
She raised an eyebrow in response. "Are farmers dumber than I thought? How is that even possible?"
"I promise you'll be safe!"
"That's not true!"
"Now listen here, Twilite. I'm a loyal person, so I would never lie to my friends. Let go, and you'll be safe."
Twilite sighed. "Fine, I suppose one of the pegasi is ready to catch me." She released her grasp, fell into the ravine, screamed and hit the ground below.
Apljack stared down for a moment before scowling at Rash, who floated above. "What in damnation? Ya motioned that ya could catch her!"
"Shit, I thought I could carry two ponies at once, but, huh, I really fucking can't! Agh, my damn muscles hurt like shit!" she said.
"I'm not that heavy, you brute!" Divinity said.
"Well, your goddess-damn dress certainly fucking is!"
Apljack sighed. She spotted something purple shimmer down below. "Hey, what the hay-heck is that?"
Twilite had cast a purple sphere of magical energy around her and stood in a crater at the bottom of the ravine. "I'm alright!" she shouted to the ponies above. The shield around her disappeared and she muttered "Friendship is nothing in comparison to magic."
Fourteen colourful horses walked in the ravine and followed Divinity.
"...And that's why you would've been fucked without my magnificent ass there to save you," Rash said.
"Hihihihihii!" Pink sounded. "That was fun, wasn't it?"
"It wasn't very fun to those two poor buggers who were turned into bloody mush," Apljack said.
"Oh, that's fun as well, because now we can have horseburgers!" she said and raised a plate of burgers that were filled with raw horse meat, tendons and organs.
Hold on, let me wipe off this drool...
Everyone gasped, winced or did both at the same time. One of the soldiers grabbed the plate from her hand.
"Oh, you like horse meat? It's pretty good, I gotta say!" Pink said.
The soldier glared at her, trotted back to the two graves of his companions, threw their gibs into them and covered the graves with soil.
"Pink, are you sure you're alright?" Twilite asked.
"We're really sorry if we hurt your feelings back at the Gala," Shutterfly said.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pink laughed.
"We should leave that crazy bitch alone," Rash said. "Just... ignore her or some shit. I don't fucking know, she's nuts."
"Oh, look!" Divinity said. "It's Braving Danger, one of the members of my church! He went on a pilgrimage last year!"
She was pointing at a pile of horse bones.
"Well, that's not terrifying in the slightest," Twilite mumbled.
"Who the hay-heck did that to him?" Apljack asked.
"Raaaaaaaaaarrrrghh!" a manticore responded.
"It must've been him!" Twilite shouted and pointed at the monster.
A great manticore stood before them. It had the body of a lion, tail of a scorpion and the head of a human. A human who looked very much like Donald Trump. I swear, if he becomes the president of USA, I will facedesk hard.
"Quick!" Twilite said. "We must use our natural cuteness to our advantage! Maybe it will see our large eyes, adorable manes and colourful coats and spare us!"
The soldiers ignored her and readied their weapons and horns before unleashing a torrent of gem shards and brutal magic at the beast. Magical flames seared its coat and shards tore through its muscles. Other soldiers prepared their spears and lances as the beast growled.
"No fucking posing!" Rash said to Twilite. "We're gonna beat the shit out of this asshole!" She plunged at the manticore and smacked it in the face. Take that, Trump.
Apljack flanked it and kicked it in the leg, which burst apart as a result. "Yee-haw! Just like at the farm!" Take that, Trump.
Divinity prayed zealously, and a rock fell from the cliff above, hitting the beast in the head. "The Princess heard my prayers! Thank goddess!" Take that, Trump.
Pink jumped around the beast. "You can't catch me!" she sung, but the monster caught her and was about to eat her before a soldier stabbed it in the back with his spear. Take that, Trump.
The monster screeched in both agony and anger and lashed out with its tail. It struck a unicorn soldier in front of it, who was pumped full of poison and died in an instant. See? Trump is a murderer.
"Huh, you're actually defeating it!" Twilite said. "Mind if I help a little?" She unleashed a blast of magic from her horn and ripped the beast's nose to shreds. Take that, Trump.
The manticore flailed with its paws and hit one of the pegasi who was attacking it with a lance. He was flung at the cliffside and his body met solid rock. They didn't like each other very much, and as a result he was turned into morbid paste.
The black soldiers unleashed another volley of magic flame and gem shards. The monster wailed in pain, collapsed onto the ground and tried to breathe, but instead coughed up blood and died. Take that, Trump.
"Uh, sorry, but we could've tried talking to it," Shutterfly said with a frown. "Maybe there was a reason for him to be so angry. Besides, I really wanted him for my pet collection."
"Too bad," Twilite said. "We killed it. And if any other beast or monster comes in our way, we'll shoot it to death. No mercy, no remorse, no regret."
"But why?" Shutterfly asked. "That's not very Harmonious, is it?"
"Listen, ma'am," one of the soldiers said, "they are too dangerous and must be terminated with extreme prejudice. Mindless beasts do not deserve Harmony."
Shutterfly sighed. "Fine."
Twelve colourful horses trotted forward. The canopy above became thicker and thicker, until no stars could be seen and the moon was hidden from their sight.
"...And that's why that fucking lionman died. Because of me," Rash said proudly.
"Are you sure this is the right way?" Twilite asked Divinity.
"Oh, yes, I am fairly certain."
Twilite frowned. "Have you ever been on a pilgrimage to the castle?"
"No, but I know the Princess guides my spirit towards her sacred relics."
Twilite stopped. "Great. Let's turn back and leave this part of the forest. It's too dark in here."
"But this is the right way! I'm sure of it! Just have faith in the Princess. Besides, my holy eyes will get a rest from seeing all that unholy muck."
"Ya don't know where we're going either, sugarcube," Apljack said. "Let's just follow Divinity and have faith in our god, alright?"
Twilite frowned. "Alright. But be ready and keep your eyes open. I have a bad feeling about this." She cast a light spell and her horn glowed brightly.
Apljack turned to look forward. She frowned when she saw the trees around them. "Huh, these lads look kinda familiar..."
Twilite's eyes widened. "Oh no!"
The path behind them was blocked as trees moved onto it. The branches above them rustled and the trees around them cackled. They closed on them, their roots moving like legs.
"Ah, I knew it! Ya buggers!" Apljack shouted. "How did ya dare to escape from my farm?" She grabbed Winona that was hanging from her side. "I'll give y'all one last chance to apologize and return to yer home!"
The trees continued to cackle, their bark twisting and revealing fearsome faces.
"That's it, yer goin' down!" she shouted and aimed her shotgun at the nearest tree. However, one of the branches wrapped itself around the gun and took it away.
"Hey! Give her back, ya bastards!" Apljack shouted, galloped forward and turned around to kick a tree with her hind legs, but the tree kicked her first with its roots.
The branches stripped the warriors of their weapons and the trees kept closing on them. "Blast them with magic!" Twilite shouted and unleashed a sorcerous ray of flame at the nearest tree. Its bark was torn asunder and it screeched in pain, but before other unicorns could unleash their spells, the injured tree squirted sap, its own blood, at the horns of the unicorns and rendered them useless.
"We're gonna die!" Pink exclaimed happily. "Yay!"
"Our Mother of the Sun, hallowed be your name..." Divinity mumbled.
Rash tried to punch a tree, which went as well as you might expect.
"Shutterfly!" Twilite shouted. "Now you can try talking to the monsters!"
"I-I don't know how to talk to apl trees!" she said.
"What?"
"I've only seen them on Apljack's farm, and she never lets me come near them!"
Apljack frowned. "That's because ya tried to steal some of them! Thrice!"
"I'm really sorry," Shutterfly said.
Twilite sighed. "Well, we're all dead and Equestria is doomed."
"Wait, where the fuck did Pinkamena go?" Rash asked.
"I don't know, it's dark in here!" Twilite responded.
One of the trees impaled a soldier with its roots and the branches tore a stallion in half, his organs splattering on the ground. It was dark and no one could see this, so the scene was suitable for children.
"Amon," Divinity finished the prayer with a quivering voice.
Pink's maniacal laughter echoed in the forest.
"What the-" Twilite managed to say before the singing started.
"When I was a little filly and the sun was going down..."
A tree screamed in agony.
"The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frown..."
A loud crack could be heard as an apl tree died a gruesome death.
"I'd hide under my pillow, from what I thought I saw!"
The branches above rustled nervously.
"But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at all!"
One could hear tree blood spraying and an apl tree moaning.
"She said, 'Pinkamena, you gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears!'"
A loud crash could be heard as a tree collapsed.
"You'll see that they can't hurt you, just laugh to make them disappear!"
A tree stomped and scraped the ground with its roots, trying to run away.
"So, giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly..."
That tree let out a pained gurgle and perished.
"Crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy..."
The other trees backed away from the surrounded ponies.
"Chortle at the kooky, snortle at the spooky..."
As the trees withdrew, moonlight illuminated the surroundings of the ponies. They could see something pink moving in the shadows.
"And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna..."
A horrific screech was released from an apl tree as brown guts burst out of it.
"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuugh!"
Soon only regular trees remained around the ponies as the remaining apl trees hastily retreated into the forest.
Pink jumped out of the shadows, smiling widely and covered in sticky tree blood. "That was a ton of fun! Hehehehehe!"
Every single pony gaped at her.
She looked at them and chuckled. "Hahaha, you look so silly! Come on now, we gotta go to Camelot! 'Tis a silly place! Hahahaha!" She turned around and pranced away.
"Did she just..." Twilite mumbled.
"She did," Apljack said and grabbed Winona from a pile of dead branches. "She did."
"Holy fucking shit," Rash mumbled.
"The Princess must've given her the strength of a thousand stallions!" Divinity said. "Praise the Sun!"
"We should thank Pinkamena," Shutterfly said, "and maybe I can catch one of those trees on the way back. They are very cute!"
Ten colourful horses cantered forward. "Quickly!" Twilite said. "We've wasted enough time!"
The group, however, stopped. A raging river blocked their way.
"Huh, there used to be an old bridge here," Divinity mumbled. "At least that's what one of the pilgrims said."
"No worries," Twilite said. "We can get across with ease. The pegasi can carry us over."
A gigantic purple sea serpent emerged from the tumultuous waters of the river.
"No worries," Twilite said. "We can shoot it to death."
The soldiers shot at the beast, but the magic rays and gem shards were deflected by its shimmering scales.
"No worries, no worries, no worries," Twilite mumbled and backed away. "Curses, I can't control myself! Calm down, Twilite!"
"Sorry, but may I try talking with it?" Shutterfly asked.
"Not before I fuck her up!" Rash said and flew towards the beast.
"It's male," Shutterfly said.
"Who gives a shit! Prepare to be majorly fucked, you ugly bastard!" She swooshed near its head and kicked it.
The monster growled, opened its maw and tried to bite Rash. She flew away from its mouth and punched it repeatedly in the head.
"Go Rash! You can do it! Wooohooo!" Pink screamed.
Rash plummeted down and crashed onto the earth after the beast whacked her with its tail. The tail then hit the surface of the river and sent out a large wave of water.
"Watch out, y'all!" Apljack shouted moments before the great mass of water hit them.
The wave smashed them hard and carried them away from the river. They winced and screamed in pain, because getting hit by a large mass of water isn't painless at all. The skull of a soldier was crushed as her head hit a rock jutting out of the ground and her wet, limp body lied motionless on the ground afterwards. But hey, wet manes! Aren't they adorable? Hold on, you think they're sexy? What the fuck is wrong with you?
"May I try talking to it?" Shutterfly asked as she stood up.
"Not yet, not until Winona shows that freak who's boss!" Apljack said and grabbed her trusty shotgun. She aimed it at the monster as it slithered on land and pulled the trigger. Somehow. A hail of gem shards and rock pellets hit the beast in the head, and it let out a terrifying screech.
"There we go! How do ya like them pellets?"
The scales had protected the beast from harm, and as a result it had just been angered more.
"Okay, sugarcube!" Apljack shouted to Shutterfly as she ran away from the monster's gaping maw, "Ya can try some diplomacy now!"
"Alright," she said and cleared her throat. "Grash grulutz grrruuun rorrr gitzirtz, utzu?"
The beast stopped chasing after Apljack and looked at Shutterfly. "Grolrka gork r mork rrargalorg rugur?"
Shutterfly nodded. Other ponies stared at her in wonder and confusion.
"Rarka glorotortz druttz hurglerrr," the monster said.
"Qurka nirrrkulorgga ozi!" Shutterfly responded with a smile.
"Ruturutu ratzira!" the beast shouted angrily.
"Oops," Shutterfly said. "Sorry, I didn't me- ahem, rrewwa rakulartzi rugur!"
The serpent screamed and charged at Shutterfly.
"The negotiations have failed! I'm really sorry!" she said as she flew away from the sea serpent as fast as she could. Which wasn't very fast.
"Retreat, my mortal friends!" Divinity said. "I will distract the beast and die as a martyr, so I can be resurrected by the Princess and granted eternal life!" She sat down and began to pray.
"Divinity, stop fooling around and run away!" Twilite shouted when the monster gave up chasing after Shutterfly and decided to eat Divinity instead.
She ignored her and continued to pray quietly.
"Somepony save her!" Apljack yelled.
A stallion jumped in front of the sea serpent. "Halt, beast! Don't you dare to touch this fair mare!"
The beast didn't even bother to stop and simply ate the armoured horse.
"Oh, that was a darn bad idea," Apljack muttered.
The giant serpent slithered towards the marshmallow horse while she sat there, still praying.
"We can't lose her!" Twilite shouted. "She's vital for the completion of the mission!"
"What mission?" Shutterfly asked.
"Why can't we fucking lose her?" Rash asked. "Why the fuck haven't you explained what the fuck you're planning to do with our asses?"
"Well I certainly am not going to explain anything now!" Twilite said and galloped towards Divinity.
As the serpent was mere meters* away from her, one of its scales miraculously dropped. Divinity stood up, miraculously managed to jump away from its jaws, grabbed the scale and stabbed its exposed skin. Miraculously, she hit a major artery and a notable nerve, and the monster screamed in agony.
*Just learn the metric system, savage.
"Wooohoo! Go Divinity the serpent-slayer!" Pink screamed.
The beast returned back to the river, slithering away from the white horse. It tried to swim, but as the waters turned red it convulsed in pain and died.
"Thank the Princess!" Divinity said. "She was truly merciful this day! Praise the Sun!"
Other ponies galloped to her. "Are you absolutely alright?" Twilite asked.
"We were so worried about you!" Shutterfly said.
"Oh, I am fine, my inferior friends, but only thanks to the Princess. Praised be Her hallowed name!"
"Well," Rash said, "if I hadn't punched the damn fucker and concussed it, you probably wouldn't have been able to fucking jump away from its shitty maws, so..."
"Ya must have the biggest ego in all of Equestria," Apljack said.
"Really? Thanks, shithat!" Rash said with a smile.
Apljack rolled her eyes.
"Look!" Twilite said and pointed at the river. "We can cross by walking on the beast's corpse!" She gasped when she realized something. "Sea serpents make excellent bridges! Spike, write it dow- Oh wait, he's not here. Huh, I think this is the first time in my life I miss him."
Eight colourful horses trotted forward.
"When are we gonna fucking eat? My ass is starving like shit!" Rash said and grasped her growling stomach.
"Soon," Twilite said. "But it is imperative that Nightmare Moon is defeated as soon as possible. Food is a secondary priority in comparison."
"Why do ya talk so fancy?" Apljack asked.
"Listen, Apljack, I am a noble unicorn and you are a filthy mud pony. That's why."
"And I'm a badass pegasus!" Rash said.
"And what if I cut off that fancy horn of yours and stick it up yer big bum?" Apljack asked Twilite with a scowl.
"Apljack, please, don't be so rude," Shutterfly said.
Apljack stared at Shutterfly in horror. "Eh, sorry, ma'am, please don't kill me! I'm really sorry!"
She smiled. "I forgive you. Sorry if I scared you."
As Apljack wiped her forehead the group arrived at a deep gorge. Fog covered its bottom and a single rope bridge crossed it. On the other side, the ruins of a large castle stood in a cloud of grey mist.
"There it is! The sacred castle of Old Canterlot!" Divinity said and pointed at it.
"Great!" Twilite said. "Now all we have to do is cross that horribly rickety bridge that looks like it will break at any moment, and we'll be at our destination!"
"That is the shittiest bridge I've ever seen," Rash mumbled.
"Well, at least it's still intact," Apljack said, "so we don't have to repair it or anything."
"What are we waiting for?" Twilite asked and galloped towards the bridge.
"You shall not pass!" boomed a voice on the other side.
Twilite stopped and saw a hooded unicorn wearing a black cloak standing across the bridge. "Who are you?" she asked.
"I am the Guardian of the Bridge!" she said. "None shall pass, unless they correctly answer three extremely challenging questions of life and death! Then they shall pass!"
"Hold on," Divinity said. "No pilgrim has ever spoken of you."
"Are you a member of the Church of the Marshmallow Saint?" the unicorn asked.
Divinity smiled and said "Why, yes, and not just a member, but the leader of the entire church! I am Saint Divinity!"
"Well fuck you then!" the unicorn said. "I used to let pilgrims pass when I was a member of the church, but when I had a midlife crisis and decided to leave the church, your followers harassed me for years! You especially shall not pass!"
Divinity scowled. "You! You stopped paying donations all of a sudden and left without warning! I hope the Princess casts your soul into the fires of Tartarus!"
"Could you please calm down, Divinity?" Shutterfly said.
"So," Twilite asked as she turned to face her companions, "who will try to cross first?"
"I will," said one of the last remaining soldiers, "I might be able to answer her questions. I was on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? You Do? Too Bad' once and almost won."
"Alrighty then, fella," Apljack said. "Go ahead."
The stallion carefully crossed the creaking bridge. When he was halfway across, the unicorn shouted "You shall not pass!"
"I wish to answer your questions of life and death!" the stallion said.
"Very well! Here comes the first question: What is the capital of Assyria?"
"Asshur."
"Correct! Second question: Who was the first prime minister of the Grittish Isles?"
"It was Walpole."
"Correct! Third question: What's a paladin?"
The stallion frowned. "A paladin? What the-"
"Wrong answer," the unicorn stated.
The ropes of the bridge that were tied around two stone pillars near the unicorn loosened and the bridge fell. The stallion screamed as he plummeted into the fog below.
The unicorn's horn glowed, the bridge rose from the fog and its ropes wrapped around the pillars.
"Who wants to go next?" Twilite asked after a moment of silence.
"I might as well," the last soldier said. "I know the answer to that last question, and it's not like I have friends any longer."
The depressed mare crossed the bridge and stopped halfway across it.
"You shall not-"
"I know, I know. Cut to the chase and ask the questions."
"Very well. Here comes the first question: What is mercantilism?"
The eyes of the horse widened. "Hold on, I thought you'd ask the same-"
"Wrong answer."
She screamed as the bridge beneath her collapsed and she fell into the ravine below.
"Well, that went swimmingly," Apljack mumbled.
"Falling into that gorge seems like a lot of fun!" Pink said.
"Can't we just fucking fly across?" Rash asked. "You know what? That's what I'm gonna fucking do right now!" She flapped her wings and flew over the gorge.
A glowing cloud of magic formed around her and threw her back to the other side.
"You shall not pass!" the unicorn shouted.
Rash rubbed her bruised head as she lied on the ground. "Fuck! Can't we go around that fucking asshole or some shit?"
"I'm afraid not," Divinity said. "The castle is surrounded by the dangerous forest. We might get lost there or get attacked by monsters once again."
"So, who's going to cross next?" Twilite asked.
Every single pony looked at her.
She frowned. "Why me?"
"Ya seem to know a lot of things," Apljack said. "And ya probably went to school as well."
"Yes, but I am far too important! I don't want to cross first! And what if I answer incorrectly? It's far too risky!"
"Fine then, purple bitch," Rash said and walked towards the bridge. "You know what? I'm gonna cross that shitty bridge and show that motherfucker who's boss."
"You?" Twilite asked in disbelief. "But you know nothing!"
She ignored her and bravely crossed the bridge.
The unicorn gazed at her. "You-"
"Shut the fuck up and ask the damn questions, cunt."
She frowned. "Know that your wings will not save you. Pegasi will meet the same fate as the rest if they answer incorrectly."
Rash rolled her eyes. "Who gives a shit. Ask the fucking questions!"
"First question: A train arrives at a station every 30 minutes. What is the chance that a passenger arriving at the station has to wait for the train for exactly five minutes?"
"What is this?" Twilite asked. "That's much harder than the other questions!"
Rash frowned and rubbed her chin. "Hmm... hold on, I know! The chance is so close to impossible it's represented by a zero!"
"Correct," she said and lowered her hood, revealing an wrinkly old face that was anything but pretty. "How do I look?"
"Honestly, you look like absolute shit," Rash said.
"No!" Twilite shouted. "That will just anger her!"
"Correct," the unicorn said. "Last question: How many soldiers died in the last war?"
"Was it a fucking war with the Gryphon Kingdom?"
The unicorn frowned. "What? I don't know-"
The ground beneath her collapsed and she fell into the ravine along with the bridge.
Rash beat her wings and floated above. "Huh. Rip in peace, you fucking twat."
"You did it Rash!" Pink shouted. "Yaaaay!"
"Great job, Rash!" Twilite said. "Now raise the bridge so we can cross, or carry us one by one!"
"I think I'd rather fix the shit bridge than haul your heavy asses," she mumbled, plunged toward the loose end of the rope bridge and raised it above the fog.
"We need replacements for those pillars that fell down!" Twilite shouted.
"Oh, right," Rash said and dropped the bridge. She landed on the other side and looked for convenient trunks or rocks.
Fog surrounded her.
"Rash!" Twilite called. "You alright in there?"
"Yeah, I-"
Dark horses emerged from the mist and surrounded her.
"I'm fucking alright, yeah!"
They carried spears and wore purple barding. Their eyes were yellow and lizard-like and sharp fangs gleamed in their mouths as moonlight reflected off their surface. Some of them had leathery bat wings on their back.
Rash readied herself for combat. "I'm not afraid of you ugly-ass fuckers! Show me what you got!"
"We come to you with an offer, mighty warrior!" one of them said. "Join our ranks, and we'll-"
Rash's hoof rudely interrupted her and broke her jaw in the process.
"Shut your fuckface, pisseye! Do you think I'm damn stupid? You're dressed like some really fucking evil bastards but still think I want to join you? Fuck you!"
Others growled and attacked her, but she jumped into the air, flew behind one of them and kicked him from behind. "Your ass will be sore for the rest of your life, bastard!"
Another soldier charged forward and tried to stab her with his spear. She grabbed it, pulled him closer and punched him in the jaw.
"Come on, you little shits!" Rash shouted. "Is this the best you can fucking do?"
They charged her together from all sides, two winged warriors flying above.
"That's more like it," Rash said with a grin.
The other ponies only saw a cloud of fog on the other side and heard the sounds of shouting and grunting.
"Hear that, guys?" Pink asked. "She's fine! Let's eat something while we wait. Look what I gathered from the forest!" She presented them berries, roots and vegetables.
Apljack grimaced. "Ugh, sugarcube, did ya forget we're carnivores? Besides, we packed food with us. We ain't idiots ya know."
"We're not going to eat now!" Twilite said and turned to look at the fog. "Rash! Are you absolute certain that everything is fine?"
Rash backed away from the five remaining Lunar guards. She had bleeding wounds scattered across her body and she panted heavily. "Agh, why do I wake up so damn late every day? I should exercise instead! Fuck!"
The dark horses grinned as they approached her.
"Rash!" Twilite called.
"I'm fine-" she mumbled before wincing in pain. "Shit, maybe I could use some help..."
One of the warriors charged at her.
Rash gulped and shouted "Yeah, I honestly need some help here! I'm kinda fucked now!"
"Did you hear that?" Shutterfly asked.
"Rash is in trouble!" Twilite said. "He must be saved, or else Equestria is doomed!"
Divinity frowned. "Why on earth would that be the case, dear scum of the earth?"
"I'll explain later!" Her horn glowed and the group appeared on the other side of the gorge.
Apljack frowned. "What the- why didn't ya teleport us across before?!"
"Because of convoluted reasons! Now come on, let's save that arrogant fool!"
The guards turned around to see them. "Other ponies? But our goddess said she'd be alone!" one of them said.
Rash punched the pony who charged at her. "Well, surprise, motherfuckers! The cavalry has arrived!"
"Attack!" one of the guards shouted and bravely ran away.
"Hold your ground!" another guard ordered. "They are unarmed!"
His head exploded in a blast of purple magic.
"We must perform a tactical retreat!" a pegasus guard yelled and flew away.
"This is a shameful display!" the last remaining guard muttered before her chest was blown apart by a torrent of gem shards and rock pellets released from Winona.
"Yeah! Eat shit, you bastards!" Rash shouted before collapsing on the ground out of exhaustion.
"Oh my goddess!" Shutterfly said and flew to her. "You're injured!"
"No shit. Did you assholes pack some bandages?"
"We sure did," Apljack said and pulled some from her satchel.
"Can we eat now?" Pink asked. "I can cook a really delicate meal out of these unconscious and dead ponies! Hahahaha!"
"No thank you," Twilite said with a grimace.
"Can you now fucking tell us about our 'mission' or whatever the heck it was?" Rash asked Twilite while Apljack bandaged her wounds.
Everyone looked at her and she sighed. "Fine, I'll tell you. The Princess herself gave me a mission to come here and defeat Nightmare Moon with your help."
"Our help?" Shutterfly asked.
"Yes. You see, uh, how do I explain this... you are the real Elements of Harmony. The ones at the castle are fake."
They all stared at her for a while. Then they chuckled or laughed.
"Hihihihi! Good one, Twilite!" Pink said as she giggled.
"Oh, that's simply ludicrous!" Divinity said as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "Goddess, that must be the funniest thing I've heard! Hehehehe!"
"Sugarcube, ya should consider the career of a stand-up comedian! Hahaha!"
"Holy fucking shitballs, that's damn hilarious!" Rash said. "Us? The Elements? Ahahahaha!"
Twilite rolled her eyes. "I wasn't joking."
The laughter ended as fast as it had began.
"What the fuck?" Rash asked. "Wait a damn second! Are you fucking trying to lure us into that castle so we can be killed by Nightmare Moon? Are you a motherfucking spy?"
Pink gasped. "A spy? Oh no, she might sap my sentry!"
Everyone looked at Pink in confusion.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" she responded.
"Maybe we should get that poor soul to go to therapy," Divinity said.
"And who would pay for that?" Apljack asked.
Divinity sighed. "Nevermind, then."
Twilite turned to look at Rash. "I am not a spy! Celestia herself sent me on this mission!"
"And how did she do that, dear mortal?" Divinity asked. "Her immortal spirit can only commune with the most faithful followers!"
"I am her personal student," Twilite said. "I told you that, remember?"
"I thought you were lying," she said. "How can you be her student?"
"She sends me visions, teaches me to use my magic talent and is my personal guardian!"
"I think she's a cloudcuckoolander," Apljack whispered to Shutterfly, who nodded in response.
"Well you wanted me to explain things and that's what I did!" Twilite shouted. "Now come on, we must defeat Nightmare Moon!" She turned around and walked towards the castle.
She looked at the ponies. "Are you coming?"
They remained silent and avoided eye contact with her.
Twilite sighed. "Look, you must trust me. You are the only thing that can defeat Nightmare Moon. If you don't come with me now, Equestria is doomed."
"Ya know how crazy that is?" Apljack asked. "I mean, I don't really want to be a hero of Equestria. I just want to live on my farm and take care of my family."
"I need to look after my pets," Shutterfly said. "And make sure that everypony in Ponyville embraces Harmony."
"I have a church to run!" Divinity said. "Donations to collect! New members to recruit! Dresses to make! Children to molest! If I don't come back, who will do all that?"
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Pink said.
"Yeah, I have plenty of very important shit to do as well," Rash said. "Why didn't you fucking tell us before we travelled through the damn forest?"
She scowled. "Because of this! Because I knew you wouldn't believe me! And now you refuse to come with me and thus endanger the entire land of Equestria and the lives of everypony in it!"
"How do we know yer telling the truth?" Apljack asked. "And not just blabbering nonsense like Granny Smith?"
"You don't! Listen, if you really are my 'friends' like you claim to be, then you'll come with me!"
The ponies remained hesitant for a moment, before Rash said "You know what? Honestly, I don't care if she's spouting bullshit. I'm gonna fuck up Nightass Moon with her. That black bitch needs to be taught a damn lesson."
"I am always loyal to my friends and family," Apljack said. "And I never abandon them."
"That foul daemon killed one of my followers back at the Gala!" Divinity said. "She must be banished from the sacred realm of the Princess!"
"I really think she's a very nasty person," Shutterfly said quietly. "I agree, she needs to be taught a lesson. And by that I mean we must kill her in the cruelest way imaginable. If that's okay with you, I mean."
"A party is a party, no matter how many die in it! Hahahahahaaa!" Pink said.
"Good! Now let's go!" Twilite said.
"Hold on, aren't we gonna eat?" Rash asked.
"We don't have time!" she responded before her stomach growled. "Oh sweet crotch of Celestia, how long has it been since I've last eaten? Alright, we'll make camp in front of the castle and consume some nourishment."
Six colourful horses sat and lied around a campfire in front of the looming gates of the desolate castle. They had filled their stomachs with bacon, beef and prepared organs such as cow hearts and dog penises.
They remained quiet and ruminated on their lives and their possible deaths. Because why would they just go inside a castle to fight the evil sister of a god without pondering such things? I would be pretty terrified, at least.
"Ya know what would be good?" Apljack said and quenched the cigarette she had been smoking. "A song."
"Yeah, Apljack," Rash said, "strike up some fucking tune."
Apljack took out a small lute out of the bags she carried.
"A lute? Huh, I was expecting a banjo," Twilite said.
Apljack frowned. "Bugger off with yer stereotypes, sugarcube."
She tuned the instrument and said "This one's an old folk song, passed down through generations. It tells about Nightmare Moon and this castle, and is called 'The Rains of Canterlot.'"
She played a gloomy melody and cleared her throat before singing:
And who are you, the proud god said,
that I must bow so low?
Only a horse of a different coat,
that's all the truth I know.
In a coat of snow, or a coat of shade,
a horse still has teeth,
and mine are long and sharp, my friend,
as long and sharp as yours.
And so she spoke, and so she spoke,
that god of Canterlot.
But now the rains weep o'er her hall
with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er her hall,
and not a soul to hear.
"Well that was a cheery fucking song," Rash said.
"That was funny! Hehehehe!" Pink said.
"Now I'm sad," Shutterfly mumbled.
"Indeed, what a sorrowful song," Nightmare Moon said.
"Sweet crotch of Celestia!" Twilite shouted and turned with the others to see the mare of darkness standing in front of the gate.
"Pride leads to destruction," she mumbled. "But my sister only learned that when it was too late."
"Quick, we must-" Twilite said.
Nightmare Moon chuckled. "Yes, you must defeat me, don't you? You survived the trials of the forest and have finally arrived at your destination. But how will you defeat a god?"
"With the Elements of Harmony!" Twilite said confidently.
"The Elements? Oh, sorry, I have already found them. But how about we play a little game? The Elements have been scattered across six levels of the castle. Each level is filled with traps and monsters and become progressively harder as you approach the top. At the end of each level, you will fight a fearsome boss monster guarding the Element and defeat it. After you have passed all six levels, you will reach the final one, where you will face me, the final boss!"
"Sorry, but that isn't going to happen," Twilite said. "For I have the spirits of the Elements right here with me!"
Nightmare Moon frowned. "Excuse me?"
"I present you: Divinity, an element. Pink Pain, also an element. Shutterfly, an element as well. Apljack, the element of elements. And finally Rash Bowdian, an element."
Nightmare blinked a few times before laughing. "You fool! Do you know what Elements they represent?"
"I don't care! Now, something will happen and you will be banished back to the moon!"
Unfortunately, something didn't happen and instead nothing happened.
Nightmare grinned. "If you don't know what the Elements are, how can you use them, idiot?"
"Oh," Twilite said. "I didn't think of that."
"Hahahaha! Well, that was entertaining! I could kill you all right now in an instant, but I need you for smothering the sun. Please wait here while I go get the original Elements, so I can transfer the spirits of Harmony back to where they belong. You'll die in the process."
She turned into a dark cloud and disappeared into the castle.
"Let's go after her!" Twilite said. "I'll figure out what elements you represent on the way there!"
"...So, let me get this straight," Twilite said to Divinity as they galloped away from a monster. "The Sixfold Path of Harmony consists of the virtues of Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty, Honesty, Laughter and a final, mysterious one, which will be revealed to those who become Enlightened after learning to live a Harmonious life?"
"Indeed!" Divinity said as the group entered a stairway. "Of course, it's much more complicated than that, because religion is no simple matter, but I hope the simplified version is sufficient!"
"So which ones do you freaks represent?" she mumbled to herself.
Rash punched a monster in the head and cracked its malformed skull. "This way, bastards!"
Apljack kicked an old wooden door open and they entered a large hall. Sections of the roof and the walls had collapsed over the millenia. Nightmare Moon stood before a large broken window and laughed. Five stone spheres circled around her.
"Ah, you're here? Good, come! I've waited long enough! I've waited for a thousand years! At last, I shall smother the spirit of my sister and the lifeblood of the world!"
Twilite confidently stepped forward. "Not so fast! I now know which Element these ponies represent!"
Nightmare raised an eyebrow.
"I present you: Divinity, the Element of Generosity, who was willing to give away her own life to save others! Pink Pain, the Element of Laughter, who laughs all the time and does her wors- erm, best to make others laugh! Shutterfly, the Element of forcible Kindness, who wanted others to be as kind as her and sought to spare the life of a cruel beast! Apljack, the Element of Honesty, who never lies! And finally Rash Bowdian, the Element of Loyalty, who would never betray her 'friends'!"
Apljack frowned. "What in damnation? That lazy mare who is only loyal to herself and has no family is the Element of Loyalty? Why, that makes no goddess-damn sense!"
"You're the Element of Honesty because you're a simple farmer and therefore bluntly state your opinions on things," Twilite said.
"But so does Rash! She's too dumb and rude to lie!"
"See what I mean?"
"And what about the sixth Element?" Nightmare asked.
"The what?" Twilite asked. "The mysterious Element? Do I need it as well?"
"Yes, and so do I. Where is she?"
"Uhh... curses, why didn't Celestia tell me about this?!"
Nightmare Moon facepalmed.
"Could you wait a moment, please? I'll try to figure out who it could be." Twilite said and sat down.
Several moments passed.
"Well?"
"Hold on, just a little longer."
More moments passed.
"This is boring as shit," Rash said. "Hey Nightass, wanna fight?"
"Stay away from me, you turbulent degenerate."
"What the fuck did you call me, bitch?"
Nightmare sighed.
After forty-two moments had passed, Twilite's eyes lit up. "I know!"
Every horse in the hall looked at her in antici...
...pation.
"I am the sixth Element!"
"Yes, that's obvious," Divinity said. "But what does the sixth Element represent?"
"Oh, I don't know."
Every horse in the room groaned.
Except for Nightmare Moon, who laughed instead. "Wonderful! Now it is time for you to die!" But it wasn't time for anyone to die, because she frowned and said "Hold on, I only have five stones! Curses! Where's the sixth one?"
She started searching the room for the old Elements, and Twilite and her friends sighed in relief.
Even more moments passed.
Pink pronked around the room. "Waiting is such fun, isn't it? Yaay!"
"She truly is utterly insane," Divinity muttered.
"Hmm... enlightenment... spark... my cutie mark... I know!" Twilite said as her eyes lit up.
Once again, everyone looked at her in anticipation.
"I am the Element of Magic, the spark that ignites the flame of Harmony! I am the Chosen One of Celestia and the greatest Element! I am destined for glory!"
Divinity frowned. "What? That is pure nonsense! You didn't even know what the Elements were before I told you!"
A glowing stone sphere descended from the ceiling.
"Ah, that's where it was. How was it attached to the roof? What was it even doing there?"
"All other Elements are part of the sixth one, the superior one. That means I am above all others! I now understand my destiny: I will become a Princess and the despot of all Equestria!"
The glow of the sphere strengthened.
"I command you, Elements, banish this evil back to the moon!"
The other spheres floated away from Nightmare Moon and turned into golden pendants. They attached around the necks of Twilite's "friends".
"Agh! I can't breathe!" Divinity said and tried to rip off the pendant.
"What is this? No, I don't want to go back to the moon! I'd rather go to Tartarus!"
"Too bad," Twilite said and the hall was filled with immensely bright light.
The light disappeared and Twilite now had a fancy golden crown on her head.
"See? A regal crown. I was right. I am destined to rule the world."
Divinity was suffocating on the floor. Shutterfly flew to her and loosened her pendant.
Nightmare Moon still stood before them. "Uh... what was supposed to happen? I'm still here."
Twilite frowned. "Erm... maybe you're supposed to turn good?"
"Why on earth would that happen? Elements can be used to eradicate and banish, not to cleanse evil from a person!"
Twilite shrugged. "I don't know. Are you still evil? Because if you are..."
Nightmare chuckled nervously. "Oh, of course not! Hang on."
She transformed into a small, young pony we all know and love. Luna is best princess.
"Look!" she said. "The Elements have somehow turned me into a good person, even if it doesn't make any sense!"
"What happened to Nightmare Moon's essence?" Twilite asked.
Luna frowned. "Excuse me?"
"We must eradicate the remnants of Nightmare Moon! Can you imagine if some cultists came here, gathered her essence and resurrected her in a crazy ritual?"
"What?! How on earth could Nightmare Moon exist separately from me? That's just incredibly stupid!"
"Sorry, I just want to be absolute certain that everything is fine and that no problems will arise."
"She has OCD," Rash explained. "Worries about shit all the time."
"OCPD, not OCD!" Twilite said. "They're two completely different disorders!"
Rash shrugged. "Whatever, crazy bitch."
A grappling hook was flung through a nearby window.
"What is that?" Twilite asked.
A mare with a beige coat and a curly mane that was both dark blue and pink jumped from the window. She wore shades and the necklace of an inquisitor.
"Nopony expects the Friendship Inquisition!" she shouted and drew out a gun.
Everyone in the room stared at her in both surprise and confusion. They hadn't expected her.
She looked at Luna. "Oh, looks like the threat has already been neutralized. Good!"
"Were you sent to kill Nightmare Moon?" Twilite asked.
"Yes, and-" she said and looked at Twilite. "Hold on, you're that mare who's wanted for lack of friends! Twilite Spark, you're under arrest!" She raised her weapon and pointed it at her.
"Sweet crotch of Celestia!" Twilite shouted.
Shutterfly flew in front of her and sternly looked at the other inquisitor. "Halt, Sweetie Drops!"
Sweetie raised an eyebrow and lowered her weapon. "Inquisitor Shutterfly? What are you doing here?"
"I was also ordered to arrest her, but I decided to be merciful and observed her behaviour instead. I saw how disgustingly asocial she was, and agreed that she deserved to be punished. But then I saw something else in her. A glimmer of hope. A sign of salvation."
"What do you mean?" Sweetie asked.
"I believe she can redeem herself. She finally has friends and can eventually learn to follow the path of Harmony."
Sweetie frowned. "According to the reports, she's the loneliest pony in Canterlot and lacks social skills. I don't think there's much hope for her."
Shutterfly flew closer to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Listen, Sweetie, give her a chance. I'll keep an eye on her and help her, because I believe in her. She can become a social person."
Sweetie remained silent for a while. "Very well, Shutterfly. But she must send weekly reports to the Inquisitorial Headquarters about what she has learned about friendship. We will track her progress and decide if she deserves to be spared."
Shutterfly smiled. "Sounds good to me!" she said and turned to look at Twilite. "What do you think, Twilite?"
She sat there and gaped at her.
"Uh... Twilite?"
She still sat there and gaped at her.
"Well, this is fucking awkward," Rash said.
"See? The Element of bloody Honesty!" Apljack said with a frown.
"I..." Twilite managed to say. "Okay. I guess. Fine. I'll send letters. Sure."
"Wonderful!" Shutterfly said.
Sweetie Drops walked to Luna. "I will take you to Canterlot to stand trial for you crimes, daemon."
Luna looked at her with tears in her eyes. "Oh, I am so sorry for everything I've done! Please forgive me! I know my sister would!"
Twilite's friends looked at her skeptically.
"The supreme court will forgive you, or it will not," Sweetie said. "Now come on, monster!"
She put an iron band with a chain around her neck and pulled her away.
"You saw nothing, by the way!" Sweetie told the other ponies. "This is a top-secret mission!"
"I'll make sure they won't tell anypony," Shutterfly said with a smile.
Twilite blinked rapidly and her hooves trembled a little.
"Uh, I think I'm going to see a vision soon," she said.
"What?" Divinity asked.
Twilite collapsed onto the floor.
Excellent job, my most faithful student!
"Celestia? Is that you?"
Yes!
"Are we going to have sex now?"
No! For fuck's sake Twilite, No! The last time was so incredibly awkward that I don't even want to think about it!
"Aww..."
Find a corporeal sex partner, Twilite! And I don't mean my rotten body by that, my most disgusting student! Now, where was I...
"You were praising me. It actually felt almost as good as sex."
Oh, right. Congratulations! You have accomplished my mission and made some friends in the process!
"Friends? Oh, you mean those freaks?"
What? Didn't you befriend the Elements? Then how was Luna turned good?
"Uh... I don't know. I mean, sure, I befriended them!"
You might not be the Element of Honesty, but you're certainly not the Element of Falsehood either. This worries me. Twilite, you must stay in Ponyville and guard the Elements!
"What? Stay there? But what about my studies?"
Take distance learning courses, I'm sure it'll be fine.
"But distance courses are horrendous!"
Twilite, that is the sacrifice you will make. The Elements must be kept safe, and you must befriend them. The threat of Nightmare Moon has not yet passed and other eldritch horrors might plague the land. We need the Elements of Harmony, and you'll be responsible for them. Understand?
"Of course, Celestia!"
Good! Now wake up!
"Wait, I wanted to ask-"
"Twilite, you alright?" Rash asked as she floated above her.
"Thatsh noth whath I wanthed tho ashk," Twilite mumbled. Her mouth was filled with froth.
"Oh, I was so worried!" Shutterfly said. "What happened?"
Twilite spat out the foamy contents from her mouth. "Ugh. I had a vision. Celestia ordered me to stay in Ponyville and watch over you."
"Oh, goodie!" Pink said. "We're gonna have so much fun together! Hehehehehehehehe!"
"Yeah, we sure are," Twilite mumbled as she stood up.
"Now what?" Apljack asked. "Will we travel through the forest again?"
"It's going to be a long and arduous journey," Divinity said. "And quite unexciting as well. It would make a terrible story."
