My Grim Pony: Friendship is Mandatory

Anna was an ant. She belonged to the working caste, and had worked hard to serve the queen of her colony for almost the entire year. She had taken care of larvae, escaped the ravenous fangs of predatory bugs more than once and travelled across the land looking for food and supplies to help maintain the colony. Now she walked across rough gravel towards her home that she could see in the distance, below the old willow tree.

Her chitin cracked and her organs were turned to paste as a hoof squished her small body. She writhed in pain for a long while afterwards before finally receiving the mercy of death.

Her murderer galloped forward, unaware of her death. "Come, Spike, we're going to our home!"

"You mean the library?" asked Qash'gaar who ran after her. "But why?"

"To find out where Nightmare Moon thinks the Elements are! Celestia mentioned that they're not items, so it must mean her sister believes they are... and so must the general populace! That must mean there's a book about these fake 'Elements', and if they are thought to be nearby, because why else would Nightmare Moon come here, a copy of that book will certainly be in the library!"

"Huh, that's actually pretty smart," Qash'gaar said. "Maybe you're not as stupid as I think you are."

"You're certainly as stupid as I think you are. Now come on, it's not far away!"

Twilite and Qash'gaar scoured the bookcases. "Elements, Elements, Elements..." Twilite mumbled as she examined the books under "E" and frowned. "These books are horribly unorganized! What imbecile worked here before I took this place over? I'll have to organize every single book, but later..."

"Good!" Qash'gaar said with a genuine smile. "We have no time to waste and you're finally showing your disorder who's boss!"

She stared at the Chronicles of Narm and the Commentaries on the Gargoyle War which were both placed under "E" and trembled.

"Sweet crotch of Celestia, I can't take this," she muttered before she threw down all the books from the shelves and started to reorganize them.

Qash'gaar wondered what a purple fur coat would look like on him.

"Sup, bitch!" Rash said.

Twilite yelped and dropped the forty-two books she had been levitating with magic. "Rash, how on earth did you get inside? And why did you follow me?"

"I saw you leave without saying a single fucking thing, so I flew after your purple ass," she said, floating above her and fluttering her wings.

"How did you get inside?" Twilite asked again.

"You left the fucking door open, smartass. Now tell me what the fuck you were planning to do when you gathered us around you and threatened that damn freak. That was badass, by the way!"

"I'll tell you later," she said and slammed the door shut with her magic.

"Augh! My divine snout!" exclaimed someone behind the door.

Twilite raised an eyebrow. "Who's there?" she asked.

"Who do ya think? It's yer friends!"

"I don't have any frien- oh, right," she said and opened the door.

Divinity, Apljack, Shutterfly and Pink entered inside. Divinity was holding her bleeding nose with her hoof and glared at Twilite while Pink's pupils were constricted and her breathing was slow and laborious. Her eyes twitched occasionally, but she still smiled widely and her hair was anything but deflated.

"Alright, shitbrain, how about you tell all of us what the fuck you were planning to do," Rash said to Twilite.

"Later," Twilite said and continued to place books on the shelves. "I need to find a certain book first."

"What book? Me and Willy could help you find it, if that's alright with you," Shutterfly said as Willy squirted slime at the walls.

"Here's the book that you're looking for, Twilite!" Qash'gaar said and raised a book from the pile on the floor.

"No thanks, Shutterfly. You see, I need to reorganize the books first so it'll be easier to find what I'm looking for."

Qash'gaar scowled. "I already found the book!"

Rash frowned. "What the fuck? Can't you just rummage through the fucking pile and find it that way?"

"I found it!" Qash'gaar shouted.

"Uh, girls? Sorry to interrupt, but Qash'gaar found the book," Shutterfly said quietly.

"I can't take this mess, Rash. I must organize it first," Twilite responded.

"For goddess' sake, my mortal friend, you must focus!" Divinity said after her nose stopped bleeding.

"Girls?" Shutterfly asked.

Qash'gaar's eye twitched.

"Oh look! I found it!" Pink exclaimed as she grabbed Qash'gaar. "Here's the book!"

Twilite frowned. "Very funny, Pink Pain. Drop him and help me organize these- Hold on, what's that in your grasp, Spike?"

"The latest edition of Clopsutra, genius," Spike muttered and threw the book at Twilite, who grabbed it with magic, opened it and brought it close to her.

"Aha! The Elements of Harmony for Dummies! This should be it!"

"The Elements of Harmony?" Divinity asked in wonder. "The most sacred relics in Equestria? Oh, they are kept in the hallowed ruins of Old Canterlot! The bravest of Princess' followers pilgrimage there to set their eyes upon those mythical treasures!"

Twilite looked at Divinity and frowned. "Wait, you know what the Elements are?"

She chuckled. "Of course. I am a faithful servant of the Princess, after all. Seems like you are not, if you don't even know what the holiest relics in Equestria are."

Twilite threw the book back at Qash'gaar who was knocked unconscious after the book hit his head. Shutterfly gasped and flew to him.

"Alright then," Twilite said to Divinity, "show us the way to Old Canterlot."

She raised an eyebrow. "Wait, you mean we have to go there? But it's beyond the wall in the untamed wilderness!"

"Beyond what?"

Near the outskirts of the town stood a great wall that reached for the skies. The wall, unlike the shacks in the town, was made out of concrete and steel and built along the border of the countryside surrounding the village. A dark forest flourished on its other side.

"Ah, beyond that," Twilite said as she saw the wall. "Why was it built?"

"Horrible beasts came from the nearby forest every now and then and tormented us," Divinity said. "Our former Overmare ordered a wall to be erected to keep out the monsters."

"They're not monsters!" Shutterfly said. "They're simply misunderstood animals!"

"Yeah, right," Rash said and snorted. "Misunderstood animals like that fucker who fucking wrecked this place four goddess-damn moons ago."

Twilite frowned. "Four moons ago? Wasn't that when your old Overmare died?"

Apljack nodded. "Yup. Four moons ago the wall was done and finished, and the Overmare announced the village to be safe. That's when a hydra attacked, ruined the wall, ate the poor sod and destroyed Ponyville. We made it twice as high afterwards."

"Aha," Twilite said, "so that's why you had to rebuild the town." She looked around herself. "Where's Spike, by the way?"

"Qash'gaar is in the library," Shutterfly said, her tone lacking in kindness, "lying unconscious in a giant hat after you threw a book at him! Twilite Spark, if you don't apologize to him after he wakes up, you will burn!"

Twilite stared at her in shock. "O-okay, I, uh, promise!"

Shutterfly smiled warmly. "Good! Really sorry if I scared you. I sometimes lose my temper a little."

Twilite turned to face the others. "Alright, we will go through the forest to the old castle and defeat Nightmare Moon before she causes any havoc again."

"Aren't ya gonna ask us to leave and go by yerself?" Apljack asked.

She frowned. "What? No, I need you to defeat her!"

"Aw, I knew you would rely on your friends," Shutterfly said.

Twilite rolled her eyes.

"Oh, but what about the mud?" Divinity asked. "Not to mention the horrific monsters!"

"Oh, come on," Twilite said. "Don't be so terrified of grumkins and snarks."

"Hah! Grumkins! That sounds like some sort of torture device!" Pink said.

"A hydra did destroy the town, did ya forget?" Apljack asked.

Twilite waved dismissively. "Monsters are rare! We don't need to worry about them."

"But in the case they do attack us," Apljack said, "there's only four-"

"Six," Rash corrected.

"Six of us, so we'll be in mighty trouble! Going by ourselves would be crazy and dumb!"

"We can ask the motherfucking watchers on the damn wall to lend us a few bastards," Rash proposed.

A stallion with a black coat and a white mane stood on the ramparts and looked at the ruined castle in the horizon. A tame albino wolf stood next to him and growled as strangers arrived. He had a nice mustache below his nose and was quite old. You thought that was ponified Jon Snow for a moment, didn't you? Haha, got you!

He turned to look them, examining them for a moment before asking "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"I am Twilite Spark, Chosen One of the Princess!" Twilite announced.

"Wrong, my worthless friend, I am the Chosen One, remember?" Divinity said.

"Twilte, it's polite to say 'greetings' or 'hello' when you meet someone," Shutterfly advised.

Twilite sighed. "And here are my lovable 'friends'."

"What do you want?" he repeated.

"Uh, hey Dot Pixel," Rash said, "can you borrow us some of your fuckers? We're going into the fucking forest to save the whole damn world."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're going beyond the wall, into the Everfree forest? After that dark cloud, I presume?"

Twilite nodded. "Will you give us soldiers to accompany us?"

He turned back to look at the distant castle. "I'm running low on warriors. Rest of Equestria doesn't care about us and no longer sends soldiers, despite monster attacks getting increasingly common and this wall being the only obstacle between the forest and the capital. And many of the Survey Corps went on expeditions into the forest only to never come back. I said a thousand times that the expeditions were pointless, but they kept going. Now only a few of them remain to support the small garrison here."

"Oh, please," Shutterfly begged, "we need all the help we can get!"

He sighed. "Very well. You can have ten of my soldiers to accompany you. Promise me they'll return intact."

"I promise!" Twilite said.

"Also," he continued, "if you happen to find my lost uncle, tell him to come back or bury his remains, depending on what state he's in."

The group stood near a small gate that led to the forest beyond. They were waiting for their escorts to arrive and had already prepared their supplies. Because it would be idiotic to go into a forest without anything, wouldn't it?

Apljack looked at the forest through the lowered portcullis and sighed. "This is gonna be somethin' else," she muttered, grabbed a cigarette and ignited it.

"Smoking is bad for you, Apljack!" Pink said cheerily.

"Shut yer yap. I need it to relax," she said and put the cigarette in her mouth.

"I say we pray for our survival," Divinity said. "Only the Princess can save my beautiful dress from disgusting mud, and only with the Princess as our guardian will we be able to overcome the dangers of the forest!"

Others nodded in agreement. They turned their heads to northeast, the direction of Canterlot, prostrated themselves on the ground and began to pray.

"Our Mother of the Sun,

hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come,

Your will be done,

on earth, as it is in the sky.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our debts,

as we have also forgiven our debtors

who still haven't forgiven us,

those pricks.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from discord.

Amon."

"May the Princess have mercy on our souls," Divinity said.

"Why are you so certain that we'll die?" Twilite asked as she stood up.

"The monsters beyond the wall are truly horrific, my dear mortal!" she said. "Manticores! Sea serpents! Murderous apl trees that escaped from Apljack's farm! Giant naked humanoids! And an even bigger giant naked humanoid, but without skin!"

"Don't forget the grumkins and the snarks!" Pink said happily.

"Uh, can some asshole tell me why the fuck the sun still hasn't risen?" Rash asked and looked at the dark sky above.

"I don't know," Twilite said and rubbed her chin. "Must be Nightmare Moon's influence."

"She must've eaten the sun! Teehehee!" Pink said.

"How did she completely lose her sanity?" Twlite asked the other ponies, who shrugged in response.

"Every time one of her pranks goes wrong," Shutterfly explained, "she starts acting like that, and doesn't stop until the next day."

"Huh," Twilite said, "strange."

Sixteen colourful horses entered the grim forest. Ten of them were armoured soldiers, wearing black cloaks over their iron barding. They were stoic and silent.

"Why is this forest called 'Everfree'?" Twilite asked.

"Because Ponydom will never tame it," Divinity said. "It will forever remain free of our domination. Plants grow by themselves, animals take care for themselves and the weather is somehow independent, even if it doesn't make any sense."

"Why can't you just cut down the trees?" Twilite asked.

"Because every damn time someone tries to..." Rash said, jumped in front of the group and shouted "The trees fucking eat them! Boo!"

Everyone stared at her with raised eyebrows.

Rash frowned. "Oh, fuck off. Didn't I scare the shit out of you?"

"Rash, you're standing on a cliff that's about to collapse," Twilite said.

"Wha- oh shit!" she shouted as the ground crumbled beneath her. Instead of using her wings, she ran forward and made more ground collapse with the stomps of her hooves and her mass of fat.

"You idiot!" Twilite yelled moments before she tumbled down the cliffside with the others.

Four pegasus soldiers, Shutterfly and Rash, who had finally realized that she could use her wings, floated above.

"Oh my goddess!" Shutterfly exclaimed. "We need to save them!"

"No shit, pisscoat. Let's go bastards!" Rash shouted and plunged down to save her friends.

One by one, the rolling horses were picked up by them. Only Twilite and Apljack, who were sliding downward, remained. Below them, the cliff became much steeper. They would soon fall into the ravine below, die gruesomely and traumatize the little girls watching the show.

However, Apljack managed to grasp a root conveniently jutting out of the cliffside with her mouth, while Twilite slowed down as the slope slanted up. She almost rolled off the edge and fell into her death, but managed to grab the ledge with her hooves somehow. They must be really sticky or something.

"Hm, there's what, eight pegasi?" Apljack mumbled. "That's enough to save all of us!"

"What the fuck are you waiting for, Apljack?" Rash asked as she carried Divinity. "Go save Twilite before she dies or some shit!"

"Why? Ain't there enough of-"

"Oh for goddess' sake, Apljack, there aren't!" Divinity said.

Two earth pony soldiers yelped as they fell into the ravine and exploded into a gory mess.

"Alrighty then," she mumbled and carefully descended to Twilite. She grabbed her hooves and tried to pull her up. "Ngh, yer too heavy!"

Twilite frowned. "Oh shut it, you just use your hind legs more so your front legs are weaker!"

"Nah, ya really are quite fat," she said.

"Just pull me up already!"

Apljack looked up. "Let go," she said to Twilite.

She raised an eyebrow in response. "Are farmers dumber than I thought? How is that even possible?"

"I promise you'll be safe!"

"That's not true!"

"Now listen here, Twilite. I'm a loyal person, so I would never lie to my friends. Let go, and you'll be safe."

Twilite sighed. "Fine, I suppose one of the pegasi is ready to catch me." She released her grasp, fell into the ravine, screamed and hit the ground below.

Apljack stared down for a moment before scowling at Rash, who floated above. "What in damnation? Ya motioned that ya could catch her!"

"Shit, I thought I could carry two ponies at once, but, huh, I really fucking can't! Agh, my damn muscles hurt like shit!" she said.

"I'm not that heavy, you brute!" Divinity said.

"Well, your goddess-damn dress certainly fucking is!"

Apljack sighed. She spotted something purple shimmer down below. "Hey, what the hay-heck is that?"

Twilite had cast a purple sphere of magical energy around her and stood in a crater at the bottom of the ravine. "I'm alright!" she shouted to the ponies above. The shield around her disappeared and she muttered "Friendship is nothing in comparison to magic."

Fourteen colourful horses walked in the ravine and followed Divinity.

"...And that's why you would've been fucked without my magnificent ass there to save you," Rash said.

"Hihihihihii!" Pink sounded. "That was fun, wasn't it?"

"It wasn't very fun to those two poor buggers who were turned into bloody mush," Apljack said.

"Oh, that's fun as well, because now we can have horseburgers!" she said and raised a plate of burgers that were filled with raw horse meat, tendons and organs.

Hold on, let me wipe off this drool...

Everyone gasped, winced or did both at the same time. One of the soldiers grabbed the plate from her hand.

"Oh, you like horse meat? It's pretty good, I gotta say!" Pink said.

The soldier glared at her, trotted back to the two graves of his companions, threw their gibs into them and covered the graves with soil.

"Pink, are you sure you're alright?" Twilite asked.

"We're really sorry if we hurt your feelings back at the Gala," Shutterfly said.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pink laughed.

"We should leave that crazy bitch alone," Rash said. "Just... ignore her or some shit. I don't fucking know, she's nuts."

"Oh, look!" Divinity said. "It's Braving Danger, one of the members of my church! He went on a pilgrimage last year!"

She was pointing at a pile of horse bones.

"Well, that's not terrifying in the slightest," Twilite mumbled.

"Who the hay-heck did that to him?" Apljack asked.

"Raaaaaaaaaarrrrghh!" a manticore responded.

"It must've been him!" Twilite shouted and pointed at the monster.

A great manticore stood before them. It had the body of a lion, tail of a scorpion and the head of a human. A human who looked very much like Donald Trump. I swear, if he becomes the president of USA, I will facedesk hard.

"Quick!" Twilite said. "We must use our natural cuteness to our advantage! Maybe it will see our large eyes, adorable manes and colourful coats and spare us!"

The soldiers ignored her and readied their weapons and horns before unleashing a torrent of gem shards and brutal magic at the beast. Magical flames seared its coat and shards tore through its muscles. Other soldiers prepared their spears and lances as the beast growled.

"No fucking posing!" Rash said to Twilite. "We're gonna beat the shit out of this asshole!" She plunged at the manticore and smacked it in the face. Take that, Trump.

Apljack flanked it and kicked it in the leg, which burst apart as a result. "Yee-haw! Just like at the farm!" Take that, Trump.

Divinity prayed zealously, and a rock fell from the cliff above, hitting the beast in the head. "The Princess heard my prayers! Thank goddess!" Take that, Trump.

Pink jumped around the beast. "You can't catch me!" she sung, but the monster caught her and was about to eat her before a soldier stabbed it in the back with his spear. Take that, Trump.

The monster screeched in both agony and anger and lashed out with its tail. It struck a unicorn soldier in front of it, who was pumped full of poison and died in an instant. See? Trump is a murderer.

"Huh, you're actually defeating it!" Twilite said. "Mind if I help a little?" She unleashed a blast of magic from her horn and ripped the beast's nose to shreds. Take that, Trump.

The manticore flailed with its paws and hit one of the pegasi who was attacking it with a lance. He was flung at the cliffside and his body met solid rock. They didn't like each other very much, and as a result he was turned into morbid paste.

The black soldiers unleashed another volley of magic flame and gem shards. The monster wailed in pain, collapsed onto the ground and tried to breathe, but instead coughed up blood and died. Take that, Trump.

"Uh, sorry, but we could've tried talking to it," Shutterfly said with a frown. "Maybe there was a reason for him to be so angry. Besides, I really wanted him for my pet collection."

"Too bad," Twilite said. "We killed it. And if any other beast or monster comes in our way, we'll shoot it to death. No mercy, no remorse, no regret."

"But why?" Shutterfly asked. "That's not very Harmonious, is it?"

"Listen, ma'am," one of the soldiers said, "they are too dangerous and must be terminated with extreme prejudice. Mindless beasts do not deserve Harmony."

Shutterfly sighed. "Fine."

Twelve colourful horses trotted forward. The canopy above became thicker and thicker, until no stars could be seen and the moon was hidden from their sight.

"...And that's why that fucking lionman died. Because of me," Rash said proudly.

"Are you sure this is the right way?" Twilite asked Divinity.

"Oh, yes, I am fairly certain."

Twilite frowned. "Have you ever been on a pilgrimage to the castle?"

"No, but I know the Princess guides my spirit towards her sacred relics."

Twilite stopped. "Great. Let's turn back and leave this part of the forest. It's too dark in here."

"But this is the right way! I'm sure of it! Just have faith in the Princess. Besides, my holy eyes will get a rest from seeing all that unholy muck."

"Ya don't know where we're going either, sugarcube," Apljack said. "Let's just follow Divinity and have faith in our god, alright?"

Twilite frowned. "Alright. But be ready and keep your eyes open. I have a bad feeling about this." She cast a light spell and her horn glowed brightly.

Apljack turned to look forward. She frowned when she saw the trees around them. "Huh, these lads look kinda familiar..."

Twilite's eyes widened. "Oh no!"

The path behind them was blocked as trees moved onto it. The branches above them rustled and the trees around them cackled. They closed on them, their roots moving like legs.

"Ah, I knew it! Ya buggers!" Apljack shouted. "How did ya dare to escape from my farm?" She grabbed Winona that was hanging from her side. "I'll give y'all one last chance to apologize and return to yer home!"

The trees continued to cackle, their bark twisting and revealing fearsome faces.

"That's it, yer goin' down!" she shouted and aimed her shotgun at the nearest tree. However, one of the branches wrapped itself around the gun and took it away.

"Hey! Give her back, ya bastards!" Apljack shouted, galloped forward and turned around to kick a tree with her hind legs, but the tree kicked her first with its roots.

The branches stripped the warriors of their weapons and the trees kept closing on them. "Blast them with magic!" Twilite shouted and unleashed a sorcerous ray of flame at the nearest tree. Its bark was torn asunder and it screeched in pain, but before other unicorns could unleash their spells, the injured tree squirted sap, its own blood, at the horns of the unicorns and rendered them useless.

"We're gonna die!" Pink exclaimed happily. "Yay!"

"Our Mother of the Sun, hallowed be your name..." Divinity mumbled.

Rash tried to punch a tree, which went as well as you might expect.

"Shutterfly!" Twilite shouted. "Now you can try talking to the monsters!"

"I-I don't know how to talk to apl trees!" she said.

"What?"

"I've only seen them on Apljack's farm, and she never lets me come near them!"

Apljack frowned. "That's because ya tried to steal some of them! Thrice!"

"I'm really sorry," Shutterfly said.

Twilite sighed. "Well, we're all dead and Equestria is doomed."

"Wait, where the fuck did Pinkamena go?" Rash asked.

"I don't know, it's dark in here!" Twilite responded.

One of the trees impaled a soldier with its roots and the branches tore a stallion in half, his organs splattering on the ground. It was dark and no one could see this, so the scene was suitable for children.

"Amon," Divinity finished the prayer with a quivering voice.

Pink's maniacal laughter echoed in the forest.

"What the-" Twilite managed to say before the singing started.

"When I was a little filly and the sun was going down..."

A tree screamed in agony.

"The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frown..."

A loud crack could be heard as an apl tree died a gruesome death.

"I'd hide under my pillow, from what I thought I saw!"

The branches above rustled nervously.

"But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at all!"

One could hear tree blood spraying and an apl tree moaning.

"She said, 'Pinkamena, you gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears!'"

A loud crash could be heard as a tree collapsed.

"You'll see that they can't hurt you, just laugh to make them disappear!"

A tree stomped and scraped the ground with its roots, trying to run away.

"So, giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly..."

That tree let out a pained gurgle and perished.

"Crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy..."

The other trees backed away from the surrounded ponies.

"Chortle at the kooky, snortle at the spooky..."

As the trees withdrew, moonlight illuminated the surroundings of the ponies. They could see something pink moving in the shadows.

"And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna..."

A horrific screech was released from an apl tree as brown guts burst out of it.

"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuugh!"

Soon only regular trees remained around the ponies as the remaining apl trees hastily retreated into the forest.

Pink jumped out of the shadows, smiling widely and covered in sticky tree blood. "That was a ton of fun! Hehehehehe!"

Every single pony gaped at her.

She looked at them and chuckled. "Hahaha, you look so silly! Come on now, we gotta go to Camelot! 'Tis a silly place! Hahahaha!" She turned around and pranced away.

"Did she just..." Twilite mumbled.

"She did," Apljack said and grabbed Winona from a pile of dead branches. "She did."

"Holy fucking shit," Rash mumbled.

"The Princess must've given her the strength of a thousand stallions!" Divinity said. "Praise the Sun!"

"We should thank Pinkamena," Shutterfly said, "and maybe I can catch one of those trees on the way back. They are very cute!"

Ten colourful horses cantered forward. "Quickly!" Twilite said. "We've wasted enough time!"

The group, however, stopped. A raging river blocked their way.

"Huh, there used to be an old bridge here," Divinity mumbled. "At least that's what one of the pilgrims said."

"No worries," Twilite said. "We can get across with ease. The pegasi can carry us over."

A gigantic purple sea serpent emerged from the tumultuous waters of the river.

"No worries," Twilite said. "We can shoot it to death."

The soldiers shot at the beast, but the magic rays and gem shards were deflected by its shimmering scales.

"No worries, no worries, no worries," Twilite mumbled and backed away. "Curses, I can't control myself! Calm down, Twilite!"

"Sorry, but may I try talking with it?" Shutterfly asked.

"Not before I fuck her up!" Rash said and flew towards the beast.

"It's male," Shutterfly said.

"Who gives a shit! Prepare to be majorly fucked, you ugly bastard!" She swooshed near its head and kicked it.

The monster growled, opened its maw and tried to bite Rash. She flew away from its mouth and punched it repeatedly in the head.

"Go Rash! You can do it! Wooohooo!" Pink screamed.

Rash plummeted down and crashed onto the earth after the beast whacked her with its tail. The tail then hit the surface of the river and sent out a large wave of water.

"Watch out, y'all!" Apljack shouted moments before the great mass of water hit them.

The wave smashed them hard and carried them away from the river. They winced and screamed in pain, because getting hit by a large mass of water isn't painless at all. The skull of a soldier was crushed as her head hit a rock jutting out of the ground and her wet, limp body lied motionless on the ground afterwards. But hey, wet manes! Aren't they adorable? Hold on, you think they're sexy? What the fuck is wrong with you?

"May I try talking to it?" Shutterfly asked as she stood up.

"Not yet, not until Winona shows that freak who's boss!" Apljack said and grabbed her trusty shotgun. She aimed it at the monster as it slithered on land and pulled the trigger. Somehow. A hail of gem shards and rock pellets hit the beast in the head, and it let out a terrifying screech.

"There we go! How do ya like them pellets?"

The scales had protected the beast from harm, and as a result it had just been angered more.

"Okay, sugarcube!" Apljack shouted to Shutterfly as she ran away from the monster's gaping maw, "Ya can try some diplomacy now!"

"Alright," she said and cleared her throat. "Grash grulutz grrruuun rorrr gitzirtz, utzu?"

The beast stopped chasing after Apljack and looked at Shutterfly. "Grolrka gork r mork rrargalorg rugur?"

Shutterfly nodded. Other ponies stared at her in wonder and confusion.

"Rarka glorotortz druttz hurglerrr," the monster said.

"Qurka nirrrkulorgga ozi!" Shutterfly responded with a smile.

"Ruturutu ratzira!" the beast shouted angrily.

"Oops," Shutterfly said. "Sorry, I didn't me- ahem, rrewwa rakulartzi rugur!"

The serpent screamed and charged at Shutterfly.

"The negotiations have failed! I'm really sorry!" she said as she flew away from the sea serpent as fast as she could. Which wasn't very fast.

"Retreat, my mortal friends!" Divinity said. "I will distract the beast and die as a martyr, so I can be resurrected by the Princess and granted eternal life!" She sat down and began to pray.

"Divinity, stop fooling around and run away!" Twilite shouted when the monster gave up chasing after Shutterfly and decided to eat Divinity instead.

She ignored her and continued to pray quietly.

"Somepony save her!" Apljack yelled.

A stallion jumped in front of the sea serpent. "Halt, beast! Don't you dare to touch this fair mare!"

The beast didn't even bother to stop and simply ate the armoured horse.

"Oh, that was a darn bad idea," Apljack muttered.

The giant serpent slithered towards the marshmallow horse while she sat there, still praying.

"We can't lose her!" Twilite shouted. "She's vital for the completion of the mission!"

"What mission?" Shutterfly asked.

"Why can't we fucking lose her?" Rash asked. "Why the fuck haven't you explained what the fuck you're planning to do with our asses?"

"Well I certainly am not going to explain anything now!" Twilite said and galloped towards Divinity.

As the serpent was mere meters* away from her, one of its scales miraculously dropped. Divinity stood up, miraculously managed to jump away from its jaws, grabbed the scale and stabbed its exposed skin. Miraculously, she hit a major artery and a notable nerve, and the monster screamed in agony.

*Just learn the metric system, savage.

"Wooohoo! Go Divinity the serpent-slayer!" Pink screamed.

The beast returned back to the river, slithering away from the white horse. It tried to swim, but as the waters turned red it convulsed in pain and died.

"Thank the Princess!" Divinity said. "She was truly merciful this day! Praise the Sun!"

Other ponies galloped to her. "Are you absolutely alright?" Twilite asked.

"We were so worried about you!" Shutterfly said.

"Oh, I am fine, my inferior friends, but only thanks to the Princess. Praised be Her hallowed name!"

"Well," Rash said, "if I hadn't punched the damn fucker and concussed it, you probably wouldn't have been able to fucking jump away from its shitty maws, so..."

"Ya must have the biggest ego in all of Equestria," Apljack said.

"Really? Thanks, shithat!" Rash said with a smile.

Apljack rolled her eyes.

"Look!" Twilite said and pointed at the river. "We can cross by walking on the beast's corpse!" She gasped when she realized something. "Sea serpents make excellent bridges! Spike, write it dow- Oh wait, he's not here. Huh, I think this is the first time in my life I miss him."

Eight colourful horses trotted forward.

"When are we gonna fucking eat? My ass is starving like shit!" Rash said and grasped her growling stomach.

"Soon," Twilite said. "But it is imperative that Nightmare Moon is defeated as soon as possible. Food is a secondary priority in comparison."

"Why do ya talk so fancy?" Apljack asked.

"Listen, Apljack, I am a noble unicorn and you are a filthy mud pony. That's why."

"And I'm a badass pegasus!" Rash said.

"And what if I cut off that fancy horn of yours and stick it up yer big bum?" Apljack asked Twilite with a scowl.

"Apljack, please, don't be so rude," Shutterfly said.

Apljack stared at Shutterfly in horror. "Eh, sorry, ma'am, please don't kill me! I'm really sorry!"

She smiled. "I forgive you. Sorry if I scared you."

As Apljack wiped her forehead the group arrived at a deep gorge. Fog covered its bottom and a single rope bridge crossed it. On the other side, the ruins of a large castle stood in a cloud of grey mist.

"There it is! The sacred castle of Old Canterlot!" Divinity said and pointed at it.

"Great!" Twilite said. "Now all we have to do is cross that horribly rickety bridge that looks like it will break at any moment, and we'll be at our destination!"

"That is the shittiest bridge I've ever seen," Rash mumbled.

"Well, at least it's still intact," Apljack said, "so we don't have to repair it or anything."

"What are we waiting for?" Twilite asked and galloped towards the bridge.

"You shall not pass!" boomed a voice on the other side.

Twilite stopped and saw a hooded unicorn wearing a black cloak standing across the bridge. "Who are you?" she asked.

"I am the Guardian of the Bridge!" she said. "None shall pass, unless they correctly answer three extremely challenging questions of life and death! Then they shall pass!"

"Hold on," Divinity said. "No pilgrim has ever spoken of you."

"Are you a member of the Church of the Marshmallow Saint?" the unicorn asked.

Divinity smiled and said "Why, yes, and not just a member, but the leader of the entire church! I am Saint Divinity!"

"Well fuck you then!" the unicorn said. "I used to let pilgrims pass when I was a member of the church, but when I had a midlife crisis and decided to leave the church, your followers harassed me for years! You especially shall not pass!"

Divinity scowled. "You! You stopped paying donations all of a sudden and left without warning! I hope the Princess casts your soul into the fires of Tartarus!"

"Could you please calm down, Divinity?" Shutterfly said.

"So," Twilite asked as she turned to face her companions, "who will try to cross first?"

"I will," said one of the last remaining soldiers, "I might be able to answer her questions. I was on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? You Do? Too Bad' once and almost won."

"Alrighty then, fella," Apljack said. "Go ahead."

The stallion carefully crossed the creaking bridge. When he was halfway across, the unicorn shouted "You shall not pass!"

"I wish to answer your questions of life and death!" the stallion said.

"Very well! Here comes the first question: What is the capital of Assyria?"

"Asshur."

"Correct! Second question: Who was the first prime minister of the Grittish Isles?"

"It was Walpole."

"Correct! Third question: What's a paladin?"

The stallion frowned. "A paladin? What the-"

"Wrong answer," the unicorn stated.

The ropes of the bridge that were tied around two stone pillars near the unicorn loosened and the bridge fell. The stallion screamed as he plummeted into the fog below.

The unicorn's horn glowed, the bridge rose from the fog and its ropes wrapped around the pillars.

"Who wants to go next?" Twilite asked after a moment of silence.

"I might as well," the last soldier said. "I know the answer to that last question, and it's not like I have friends any longer."

The depressed mare crossed the bridge and stopped halfway across it.

"You shall not-"

"I know, I know. Cut to the chase and ask the questions."

"Very well. Here comes the first question: What is mercantilism?"

The eyes of the horse widened. "Hold on, I thought you'd ask the same-"

"Wrong answer."

She screamed as the bridge beneath her collapsed and she fell into the ravine below.

"Well, that went swimmingly," Apljack mumbled.

"Falling into that gorge seems like a lot of fun!" Pink said.

"Can't we just fucking fly across?" Rash asked. "You know what? That's what I'm gonna fucking do right now!" She flapped her wings and flew over the gorge.

A glowing cloud of magic formed around her and threw her back to the other side.

"You shall not pass!" the unicorn shouted.

Rash rubbed her bruised head as she lied on the ground. "Fuck! Can't we go around that fucking asshole or some shit?"

"I'm afraid not," Divinity said. "The castle is surrounded by the dangerous forest. We might get lost there or get attacked by monsters once again."

"So, who's going to cross next?" Twilite asked.

Every single pony looked at her.

She frowned. "Why me?"

"Ya seem to know a lot of things," Apljack said. "And ya probably went to school as well."

"Yes, but I am far too important! I don't want to cross first! And what if I answer incorrectly? It's far too risky!"

"Fine then, purple bitch," Rash said and walked towards the bridge. "You know what? I'm gonna cross that shitty bridge and show that motherfucker who's boss."

"You?" Twilite asked in disbelief. "But you know nothing!"

She ignored her and bravely crossed the bridge.

The unicorn gazed at her. "You-"

"Shut the fuck up and ask the damn questions, cunt."

She frowned. "Know that your wings will not save you. Pegasi will meet the same fate as the rest if they answer incorrectly."

Rash rolled her eyes. "Who gives a shit. Ask the fucking questions!"

"First question: A train arrives at a station every 30 minutes. What is the chance that a passenger arriving at the station has to wait for the train for exactly five minutes?"

"What is this?" Twilite asked. "That's much harder than the other questions!"

Rash frowned and rubbed her chin. "Hmm... hold on, I know! The chance is so close to impossible it's represented by a zero!"

"Correct," she said and lowered her hood, revealing an wrinkly old face that was anything but pretty. "How do I look?"

"Honestly, you look like absolute shit," Rash said.

"No!" Twilite shouted. "That will just anger her!"

"Correct," the unicorn said. "Last question: How many soldiers died in the last war?"

"Was it a fucking war with the Gryphon Kingdom?"

The unicorn frowned. "What? I don't know-"

The ground beneath her collapsed and she fell into the ravine along with the bridge.

Rash beat her wings and floated above. "Huh. Rip in peace, you fucking twat."

"You did it Rash!" Pink shouted. "Yaaaay!"

"Great job, Rash!" Twilite said. "Now raise the bridge so we can cross, or carry us one by one!"

"I think I'd rather fix the shit bridge than haul your heavy asses," she mumbled, plunged toward the loose end of the rope bridge and raised it above the fog.

"We need replacements for those pillars that fell down!" Twilite shouted.

"Oh, right," Rash said and dropped the bridge. She landed on the other side and looked for convenient trunks or rocks.

Fog surrounded her.

"Rash!" Twilite called. "You alright in there?"

"Yeah, I-"

Dark horses emerged from the mist and surrounded her.

"I'm fucking alright, yeah!"

They carried spears and wore purple barding. Their eyes were yellow and lizard-like and sharp fangs gleamed in their mouths as moonlight reflected off their surface. Some of them had leathery bat wings on their back.

Rash readied herself for combat. "I'm not afraid of you ugly-ass fuckers! Show me what you got!"

"We come to you with an offer, mighty warrior!" one of them said. "Join our ranks, and we'll-"

Rash's hoof rudely interrupted her and broke her jaw in the process.

"Shut your fuckface, pisseye! Do you think I'm damn stupid? You're dressed like some really fucking evil bastards but still think I want to join you? Fuck you!"

Others growled and attacked her, but she jumped into the air, flew behind one of them and kicked him from behind. "Your ass will be sore for the rest of your life, bastard!"

Another soldier charged forward and tried to stab her with his spear. She grabbed it, pulled him closer and punched him in the jaw.

"Come on, you little shits!" Rash shouted. "Is this the best you can fucking do?"

They charged her together from all sides, two winged warriors flying above.

"That's more like it," Rash said with a grin.

The other ponies only saw a cloud of fog on the other side and heard the sounds of shouting and grunting.

"Hear that, guys?" Pink asked. "She's fine! Let's eat something while we wait. Look what I gathered from the forest!" She presented them berries, roots and vegetables.

Apljack grimaced. "Ugh, sugarcube, did ya forget we're carnivores? Besides, we packed food with us. We ain't idiots ya know."

"We're not going to eat now!" Twilite said and turned to look at the fog. "Rash! Are you absolute certain that everything is fine?"

Rash backed away from the five remaining Lunar guards. She had bleeding wounds scattered across her body and she panted heavily. "Agh, why do I wake up so damn late every day? I should exercise instead! Fuck!"

The dark horses grinned as they approached her.

"Rash!" Twilite called.

"I'm fine-" she mumbled before wincing in pain. "Shit, maybe I could use some help..."

One of the warriors charged at her.

Rash gulped and shouted "Yeah, I honestly need some help here! I'm kinda fucked now!"

"Did you hear that?" Shutterfly asked.

"Rash is in trouble!" Twilite said. "He must be saved, or else Equestria is doomed!"

Divinity frowned. "Why on earth would that be the case, dear scum of the earth?"

"I'll explain later!" Her horn glowed and the group appeared on the other side of the gorge.

Apljack frowned. "What the- why didn't ya teleport us across before?!"

"Because of convoluted reasons! Now come on, let's save that arrogant fool!"

The guards turned around to see them. "Other ponies? But our goddess said she'd be alone!" one of them said.

Rash punched the pony who charged at her. "Well, surprise, motherfuckers! The cavalry has arrived!"

"Attack!" one of the guards shouted and bravely ran away.

"Hold your ground!" another guard ordered. "They are unarmed!"

His head exploded in a blast of purple magic.

"We must perform a tactical retreat!" a pegasus guard yelled and flew away.

"This is a shameful display!" the last remaining guard muttered before her chest was blown apart by a torrent of gem shards and rock pellets released from Winona.

"Yeah! Eat shit, you bastards!" Rash shouted before collapsing on the ground out of exhaustion.

"Oh my goddess!" Shutterfly said and flew to her. "You're injured!"

"No shit. Did you assholes pack some bandages?"

"We sure did," Apljack said and pulled some from her satchel.

"Can we eat now?" Pink asked. "I can cook a really delicate meal out of these unconscious and dead ponies! Hahahaha!"

"No thank you," Twilite said with a grimace.

"Can you now fucking tell us about our 'mission' or whatever the heck it was?" Rash asked Twilite while Apljack bandaged her wounds.

Everyone looked at her and she sighed. "Fine, I'll tell you. The Princess herself gave me a mission to come here and defeat Nightmare Moon with your help."

"Our help?" Shutterfly asked.

"Yes. You see, uh, how do I explain this... you are the real Elements of Harmony. The ones at the castle are fake."

They all stared at her for a while. Then they chuckled or laughed.

"Hihihihi! Good one, Twilite!" Pink said as she giggled.

"Oh, that's simply ludicrous!" Divinity said as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "Goddess, that must be the funniest thing I've heard! Hehehehe!"

"Sugarcube, ya should consider the career of a stand-up comedian! Hahaha!"

"Holy fucking shitballs, that's damn hilarious!" Rash said. "Us? The Elements? Ahahahaha!"

Twilite rolled her eyes. "I wasn't joking."

The laughter ended as fast as it had began.

"What the fuck?" Rash asked. "Wait a damn second! Are you fucking trying to lure us into that castle so we can be killed by Nightmare Moon? Are you a motherfucking spy?"

Pink gasped. "A spy? Oh no, she might sap my sentry!"

Everyone looked at Pink in confusion.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" she responded.

"Maybe we should get that poor soul to go to therapy," Divinity said.

"And who would pay for that?" Apljack asked.

Divinity sighed. "Nevermind, then."

Twilite turned to look at Rash. "I am not a spy! Celestia herself sent me on this mission!"

"And how did she do that, dear mortal?" Divinity asked. "Her immortal spirit can only commune with the most faithful followers!"

"I am her personal student," Twilite said. "I told you that, remember?"

"I thought you were lying," she said. "How can you be her student?"

"She sends me visions, teaches me to use my magic talent and is my personal guardian!"

"I think she's a cloudcuckoolander," Apljack whispered to Shutterfly, who nodded in response.

"Well you wanted me to explain things and that's what I did!" Twilite shouted. "Now come on, we must defeat Nightmare Moon!" She turned around and walked towards the castle.

She looked at the ponies. "Are you coming?"

They remained silent and avoided eye contact with her.

Twilite sighed. "Look, you must trust me. You are the only thing that can defeat Nightmare Moon. If you don't come with me now, Equestria is doomed."

"Ya know how crazy that is?" Apljack asked. "I mean, I don't really want to be a hero of Equestria. I just want to live on my farm and take care of my family."

"I need to look after my pets," Shutterfly said. "And make sure that everypony in Ponyville embraces Harmony."

"I have a church to run!" Divinity said. "Donations to collect! New members to recruit! Dresses to make! Children to molest! If I don't come back, who will do all that?"

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Pink said.

"Yeah, I have plenty of very important shit to do as well," Rash said. "Why didn't you fucking tell us before we travelled through the damn forest?"

She scowled. "Because of this! Because I knew you wouldn't believe me! And now you refuse to come with me and thus endanger the entire land of Equestria and the lives of everypony in it!"

"How do we know yer telling the truth?" Apljack asked. "And not just blabbering nonsense like Granny Smith?"

"You don't! Listen, if you really are my 'friends' like you claim to be, then you'll come with me!"

The ponies remained hesitant for a moment, before Rash said "You know what? Honestly, I don't care if she's spouting bullshit. I'm gonna fuck up Nightass Moon with her. That black bitch needs to be taught a damn lesson."

"I am always loyal to my friends and family," Apljack said. "And I never abandon them."

"That foul daemon killed one of my followers back at the Gala!" Divinity said. "She must be banished from the sacred realm of the Princess!"

"I really think she's a very nasty person," Shutterfly said quietly. "I agree, she needs to be taught a lesson. And by that I mean we must kill her in the cruelest way imaginable. If that's okay with you, I mean."

"A party is a party, no matter how many die in it! Hahahahahaaa!" Pink said.

"Good! Now let's go!" Twilite said.

"Hold on, aren't we gonna eat?" Rash asked.

"We don't have time!" she responded before her stomach growled. "Oh sweet crotch of Celestia, how long has it been since I've last eaten? Alright, we'll make camp in front of the castle and consume some nourishment."

Six colourful horses sat and lied around a campfire in front of the looming gates of the desolate castle. They had filled their stomachs with bacon, beef and prepared organs such as cow hearts and dog penises.

They remained quiet and ruminated on their lives and their possible deaths. Because why would they just go inside a castle to fight the evil sister of a god without pondering such things? I would be pretty terrified, at least.

"Ya know what would be good?" Apljack said and quenched the cigarette she had been smoking. "A song."

"Yeah, Apljack," Rash said, "strike up some fucking tune."

Apljack took out a small lute out of the bags she carried.

"A lute? Huh, I was expecting a banjo," Twilite said.

Apljack frowned. "Bugger off with yer stereotypes, sugarcube."

She tuned the instrument and said "This one's an old folk song, passed down through generations. It tells about Nightmare Moon and this castle, and is called 'The Rains of Canterlot.'"

She played a gloomy melody and cleared her throat before singing:

And who are you, the proud god said,

that I must bow so low?

Only a horse of a different coat,

that's all the truth I know.

In a coat of snow, or a coat of shade,

a horse still has teeth,

and mine are long and sharp, my friend,

as long and sharp as yours.

And so she spoke, and so she spoke,

that god of Canterlot.

But now the rains weep o'er her hall

with no one there to hear.

Yes now the rains weep o'er her hall,

and not a soul to hear.

"Well that was a cheery fucking song," Rash said.

"That was funny! Hehehehe!" Pink said.

"Now I'm sad," Shutterfly mumbled.

"Indeed, what a sorrowful song," Nightmare Moon said.

"Sweet crotch of Celestia!" Twilite shouted and turned with the others to see the mare of darkness standing in front of the gate.

"Pride leads to destruction," she mumbled. "But my sister only learned that when it was too late."

"Quick, we must-" Twilite said.

Nightmare Moon chuckled. "Yes, you must defeat me, don't you? You survived the trials of the forest and have finally arrived at your destination. But how will you defeat a god?"

"With the Elements of Harmony!" Twilite said confidently.

"The Elements? Oh, sorry, I have already found them. But how about we play a little game? The Elements have been scattered across six levels of the castle. Each level is filled with traps and monsters and become progressively harder as you approach the top. At the end of each level, you will fight a fearsome boss monster guarding the Element and defeat it. After you have passed all six levels, you will reach the final one, where you will face me, the final boss!"

"Sorry, but that isn't going to happen," Twilite said. "For I have the spirits of the Elements right here with me!"

Nightmare Moon frowned. "Excuse me?"

"I present you: Divinity, an element. Pink Pain, also an element. Shutterfly, an element as well. Apljack, the element of elements. And finally Rash Bowdian, an element."

Nightmare blinked a few times before laughing. "You fool! Do you know what Elements they represent?"

"I don't care! Now, something will happen and you will be banished back to the moon!"

Unfortunately, something didn't happen and instead nothing happened.

Nightmare grinned. "If you don't know what the Elements are, how can you use them, idiot?"

"Oh," Twilite said. "I didn't think of that."

"Hahahaha! Well, that was entertaining! I could kill you all right now in an instant, but I need you for smothering the sun. Please wait here while I go get the original Elements, so I can transfer the spirits of Harmony back to where they belong. You'll die in the process."

She turned into a dark cloud and disappeared into the castle.

"Let's go after her!" Twilite said. "I'll figure out what elements you represent on the way there!"

"...So, let me get this straight," Twilite said to Divinity as they galloped away from a monster. "The Sixfold Path of Harmony consists of the virtues of Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty, Honesty, Laughter and a final, mysterious one, which will be revealed to those who become Enlightened after learning to live a Harmonious life?"

"Indeed!" Divinity said as the group entered a stairway. "Of course, it's much more complicated than that, because religion is no simple matter, but I hope the simplified version is sufficient!"

"So which ones do you freaks represent?" she mumbled to herself.

Rash punched a monster in the head and cracked its malformed skull. "This way, bastards!"

Apljack kicked an old wooden door open and they entered a large hall. Sections of the roof and the walls had collapsed over the millenia. Nightmare Moon stood before a large broken window and laughed. Five stone spheres circled around her.

"Ah, you're here? Good, come! I've waited long enough! I've waited for a thousand years! At last, I shall smother the spirit of my sister and the lifeblood of the world!"

Twilite confidently stepped forward. "Not so fast! I now know which Element these ponies represent!"

Nightmare raised an eyebrow.

"I present you: Divinity, the Element of Generosity, who was willing to give away her own life to save others! Pink Pain, the Element of Laughter, who laughs all the time and does her wors- erm, best to make others laugh! Shutterfly, the Element of forcible Kindness, who wanted others to be as kind as her and sought to spare the life of a cruel beast! Apljack, the Element of Honesty, who never lies! And finally Rash Bowdian, the Element of Loyalty, who would never betray her 'friends'!"

Apljack frowned. "What in damnation? That lazy mare who is only loyal to herself and has no family is the Element of Loyalty? Why, that makes no goddess-damn sense!"

"You're the Element of Honesty because you're a simple farmer and therefore bluntly state your opinions on things," Twilite said.

"But so does Rash! She's too dumb and rude to lie!"

"See what I mean?"

"And what about the sixth Element?" Nightmare asked.

"The what?" Twilite asked. "The mysterious Element? Do I need it as well?"

"Yes, and so do I. Where is she?"

"Uhh... curses, why didn't Celestia tell me about this?!"

Nightmare Moon facepalmed.

"Could you wait a moment, please? I'll try to figure out who it could be." Twilite said and sat down.

Several moments passed.

"Well?"

"Hold on, just a little longer."

More moments passed.

"This is boring as shit," Rash said. "Hey Nightass, wanna fight?"

"Stay away from me, you turbulent degenerate."

"What the fuck did you call me, bitch?"

Nightmare sighed.

After forty-two moments had passed, Twilite's eyes lit up. "I know!"

Every horse in the hall looked at her in antici...

...pation.

"I am the sixth Element!"

"Yes, that's obvious," Divinity said. "But what does the sixth Element represent?"

"Oh, I don't know."

Every horse in the room groaned.

Except for Nightmare Moon, who laughed instead. "Wonderful! Now it is time for you to die!" But it wasn't time for anyone to die, because she frowned and said "Hold on, I only have five stones! Curses! Where's the sixth one?"

She started searching the room for the old Elements, and Twilite and her friends sighed in relief.

Even more moments passed.

Pink pronked around the room. "Waiting is such fun, isn't it? Yaay!"

"She truly is utterly insane," Divinity muttered.

"Hmm... enlightenment... spark... my cutie mark... I know!" Twilite said as her eyes lit up.

Once again, everyone looked at her in anticipation.

"I am the Element of Magic, the spark that ignites the flame of Harmony! I am the Chosen One of Celestia and the greatest Element! I am destined for glory!"

Divinity frowned. "What? That is pure nonsense! You didn't even know what the Elements were before I told you!"

A glowing stone sphere descended from the ceiling.

"Ah, that's where it was. How was it attached to the roof? What was it even doing there?"

"All other Elements are part of the sixth one, the superior one. That means I am above all others! I now understand my destiny: I will become a Princess and the despot of all Equestria!"

The glow of the sphere strengthened.

"I command you, Elements, banish this evil back to the moon!"

The other spheres floated away from Nightmare Moon and turned into golden pendants. They attached around the necks of Twilite's "friends".

"Agh! I can't breathe!" Divinity said and tried to rip off the pendant.

"What is this? No, I don't want to go back to the moon! I'd rather go to Tartarus!"

"Too bad," Twilite said and the hall was filled with immensely bright light.

The light disappeared and Twilite now had a fancy golden crown on her head.

"See? A regal crown. I was right. I am destined to rule the world."

Divinity was suffocating on the floor. Shutterfly flew to her and loosened her pendant.

Nightmare Moon still stood before them. "Uh... what was supposed to happen? I'm still here."

Twilite frowned. "Erm... maybe you're supposed to turn good?"

"Why on earth would that happen? Elements can be used to eradicate and banish, not to cleanse evil from a person!"

Twilite shrugged. "I don't know. Are you still evil? Because if you are..."

Nightmare chuckled nervously. "Oh, of course not! Hang on."

She transformed into a small, young pony we all know and love. Luna is best princess.

"Look!" she said. "The Elements have somehow turned me into a good person, even if it doesn't make any sense!"

"What happened to Nightmare Moon's essence?" Twilite asked.

Luna frowned. "Excuse me?"

"We must eradicate the remnants of Nightmare Moon! Can you imagine if some cultists came here, gathered her essence and resurrected her in a crazy ritual?"

"What?!  How on earth could Nightmare Moon exist separately from me? That's just incredibly stupid!"

"Sorry, I just want to be absolute certain that everything is fine and that no problems will arise."

"She has OCD," Rash explained. "Worries about shit all the time."

"OCPD, not OCD!" Twilite said. "They're two completely different disorders!"

Rash shrugged. "Whatever, crazy bitch."

A grappling hook was flung through a nearby window.

"What is that?" Twilite asked.

A mare with a beige coat and a curly mane that was both dark blue and pink jumped from the window. She wore shades and the necklace of an inquisitor.

"Nopony expects the Friendship Inquisition!" she shouted and drew out a gun.

Everyone in the room stared at her in both surprise and confusion. They hadn't expected her.

She looked at Luna. "Oh, looks like the threat has already been neutralized. Good!"

"Were you sent to kill Nightmare Moon?" Twilite asked.

"Yes, and-" she said and looked at Twilite. "Hold on, you're that mare who's wanted for lack of friends! Twilite Spark, you're under arrest!" She raised her weapon and pointed it at her.

"Sweet crotch of Celestia!" Twilite shouted.

Shutterfly flew in front of her and sternly looked at the other inquisitor. "Halt, Sweetie Drops!"

Sweetie raised an eyebrow and lowered her weapon. "Inquisitor Shutterfly? What are you doing here?"

"I was also ordered to arrest her, but I decided to be merciful and observed her behaviour instead. I saw how disgustingly asocial she was, and agreed that she deserved to be punished. But then I saw something else in her. A glimmer of hope. A sign of salvation."

"What do you mean?" Sweetie asked.

"I believe she can redeem herself. She finally has friends and can eventually learn to follow the path of Harmony."

Sweetie frowned. "According to the reports, she's the loneliest pony in Canterlot and lacks social skills. I don't think there's much hope for her."

Shutterfly flew closer to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Listen, Sweetie, give her a chance. I'll keep an eye on her and help her, because I believe in her. She can become a social person."

Sweetie remained silent for a while. "Very well, Shutterfly. But she must send weekly reports to the Inquisitorial Headquarters about what she has learned about friendship. We will track her progress and decide if she deserves to be spared."

Shutterfly smiled. "Sounds good to me!" she said and turned to look at Twilite. "What do you think, Twilite?"

She sat there and gaped at her.

"Uh... Twilite?"

She still sat there and gaped at her.

"Well, this is fucking awkward," Rash said.

"See? The Element of bloody Honesty!" Apljack said with a frown.

"I..." Twilite managed to say. "Okay. I guess. Fine. I'll send letters. Sure."

"Wonderful!" Shutterfly said.

Sweetie Drops walked to Luna. "I will take you to Canterlot to stand trial for you crimes, daemon."

Luna looked at her with tears in her eyes. "Oh, I am so sorry for everything I've done! Please forgive me! I know my sister would!"

Twilite's friends looked at her skeptically.

"The supreme court will forgive you, or it will not," Sweetie said. "Now come on, monster!"

She put an iron band with a chain around her neck and pulled her away.

"You saw nothing, by the way!" Sweetie told the other ponies. "This is a top-secret mission!"

"I'll make sure they won't tell anypony," Shutterfly said with a smile.

Twilite blinked rapidly and her hooves trembled a little.

"Uh, I think I'm going to see a vision soon," she said.

"What?" Divinity asked.

Twilite collapsed onto the floor.

Excellent job, my most faithful student!

"Celestia? Is that you?"

Yes!

"Are we going to have sex now?"

No! For fuck's sake Twilite, No! The last time was so incredibly awkward that I don't even want to think about it!

"Aww..."

Find a corporeal sex partner, Twilite! And I don't mean my rotten body by that, my most disgusting student! Now, where was I...

"You were praising me. It actually felt almost as good as sex."

Oh, right. Congratulations! You have accomplished my mission and made some friends in the process!

"Friends? Oh, you mean those freaks?"

What? Didn't you befriend the Elements? Then how was Luna turned good?

"Uh... I don't know. I mean, sure, I befriended them!"

You might not be the Element of Honesty, but you're certainly not the Element of Falsehood either. This worries me. Twilite, you must stay in Ponyville and guard the Elements!

"What? Stay there? But what about my studies?"

Take distance learning courses, I'm sure it'll be fine.

"But distance courses are horrendous!"

Twilite, that is the sacrifice you will make. The Elements must be kept safe, and you must befriend them. The threat of Nightmare Moon has not yet passed and other eldritch horrors might plague the land. We need the Elements of Harmony, and you'll be responsible for them. Understand?

"Of course, Celestia!"

Good! Now wake up!

"Wait, I wanted to ask-"

"Twilite, you alright?" Rash asked as she floated above her.

"Thatsh noth whath I wanthed tho ashk," Twilite mumbled. Her mouth was filled with froth.

"Oh, I was so worried!" Shutterfly said. "What happened?"

Twilite spat out the foamy contents from her mouth. "Ugh. I had a vision. Celestia ordered me to stay in Ponyville and watch over you."

"Oh, goodie!" Pink said. "We're gonna have so much fun together! Hehehehehehehehe!"

"Yeah, we sure are," Twilite mumbled as she stood up.

"Now what?" Apljack asked. "Will we travel through the forest again?"

"It's going to be a long and arduous journey," Divinity said. "And quite unexciting as well. It would make a terrible story."