Sunday Morning (Get it? Sun-day? Ahahaha!)
Once upon a time in the crapsack land of Equestr... hold on, Equestria hasn't been founded yet. What's this place called again? Uh...
Anyways, there lived a "wise" king called Platinum. His foreign policy involved killing all life in the world with an eternal winter if some nation didn't pay tribute to him.
It's like having a nuke and instead of using it as a psychological weapon and getting everything you want you just throw it at the first person who doesn't kneel before you.
A young filly named Celestia wondered how the king had managed to stay in power for more than a week. Or she would've wondered if she wasn't so busy taking care of her sister, Luna. Both of their parents had been raped, pillaged, burned and killed in the last war waged by Platinum. Surprisingly, his military commanders never rebelled and happily sent their soldiers to die in countless wars. Who knows what favours Platinum did to them. Wink wink.
The two lived in some abandoned, crumbling house that met all safety standards thirty years ago. Celestia had taken the role of the father (you read that right) and provided for her little sister. Lacking parents, both of them thought that they were wise and responsible adults. Yet every now and then the two sisters played and imagined themselves to be pirates, knights, adventurers and muggers, at least until Celestia got a decent job and they no longer had to rob others.
They had found a lovely little book in a burned bakery. It was the diary of the baker who had worked there and who they had extorted money from. Unfortunately, they had ruined his business and driven him to suicide, but wisely Celestia had ripped off the last page, framed it and placed it on the wall of their derelict home so her sister could learn how rough and tough the world was.
Every Saturday, a day named after Saturn, a god of Roman mythology... hold on, what? I mean, every Satrotday morning Celestia went to work and returned in the evening with food. Celestia was a gravedigger, and the crowded graveyards sure contained a lot of delicious horse meat they could eat! It was free, somewhat tasty and mostly edible. Even Celestia had standards though, so she told her sister that it was zebra meat.
One Satrotday night Celestia arrived at home with a bag of firewood. Thick blankets of snow covered the streets and snowflakes kept falling from the sky. The winter had lasted for eight month- I mean moons and all life in the world would die soon, but the uneducated sisters didn't know that and struggled to survive, unlike some ponies who had decided to commit suicide. The cause of this winter was an eternal night, which might make you say "hold on, won't the other side of the world be alright?" No, idiot, because they had eternal day which was even worse.
This eternal night had begun when Platinum demanded earth ponies to give him all the hemp they produced each year. The ponies refused and Platinum lowered the sun, only to never raise it again. The earth ponies, knowing how devastating a long winter would be, had given up after two days but Platinum had shaken his head and said "Too late, idiots. Hehehe!"
Anyways, Celestia opened the door of her home. A bleeding beggar lied on the ground behind her, the contents of his cup now safely in Celestia's wallet.
She was not evil. I swear.
"Luna, I'm home!" she shouted and dropped the bag on the ground.
There was silence.
"Luna, dang it, I'm home! Stop wangsting in your depression corner and come over here!"
Reluctantly, her sister stepped down the stairs and entered the room. She looked down at the ground.
Celestia frowned. "You seem even more apathetic than usual. What's wrong?"
"I..." she said quietly.
"You what?"
"You're gonna kill me after I tell you."
"Maybe. What did you do now? Cut your wrists again?"
She remained silent.
"Oh come on, I'll give you nightshade berries to eat! You love those, right?"
"You're gonna kill me so bad."
Celestia got closer to her and caressed her cheek with her han- hoof. "You can tell me. I'll only kill you a little."
"I took the... and I..."
"What? Did you kill someone?"
"No."
Celestia sighed. "I already got my hopes up."
"Tia, I buried the bodies we had in storage."
Celestia gasped. "You what?"
"I don't want to eat zebra meat anymore."
Celestia's eye twitched. "You... where did you bury them?"
"I don't remember."
"Luna!" she screamed. "You just got rid of our food supply for the next three moons!" She walked to their pantry and opened it. Nothing.
"We could eat hay or something," Luna murmured.
"What? We're carnivores, remember?"
"Well, I'd rather eat hay than zebras."
Celestia groaned and looked at a bloodied knife lying on the bottom shelf of the pantry. "Luna! You've cut your wrists again!"
"I'm a horse, I don't have wrists. And sorry, I just hate myself."
Celestia closed her eyes and sighed. "This is just great. Oh well, at least we have plenty of money. I can go buy beef or something with that."
"We don't," Luna said silently.
Celestia turned around to glare at her sister. "Excuse me?"
"I gave it all to Starswirl's family."
Celestia's jaw dropped. "Why?!"
"Last time I ate nightshade berries I had a vision that he will become a great and powerful wizard in the future. I wanted to make sure that would happen, so I gave him our money."
"YOU LITTLE BLACK POOP-HEAD!" Celestia shouted. "What is wrong with you?! You just ruined our chances for survival! We're gonna starve to death! The graveyard is almost empty, because others have become cannibals as well, the shopkeepers have guns now so we can't steal from them and all the cats, dogs and rats were eaten moons ago! We have no food!"
"It was really important, Tia! Starswirl will do many things that will shape the destiny of our world-"
Celestia whacked her on the face.
"Screw you!" she screamed and trotted towards the stairs. "I'm gonna be in the depression corner if you need me. Stay here and think about what you've done!"
"I'm gonna tell the police," Luna said, tears flowing down her flaring cheeks.
"The police are dead, Luna!" Celestia shouted before climbing up the stairs.
Celestia paced on the second floor. She scowled and grumbled "Stupid Luna... stupid Starswirl... stupid King Platinum! Eight bloody moons already! Almost all life in the world is dead... when will this winter end?"
The dinosaurs were already extinct. So were the humans. Only ponies remained.
"And soon we'll be extinct as well," she mumbled and sighed.
She looked at the roof, which didn't exist, so she looked at the sky instead. Stars twinkled above and the moon stared at her.
"If only I'd be able to control the sun..."
She saw an image of snow melting under a shining sun, hundreds of ponies cheering, shouting her name, praising her...
She frowned.
She saw an image of the sun floating right above the ground. She saw Luna burning, Starswirl burning and King Platinum burning. The surviving ponies all kneeled before her in fear. She saw herself sitting on a throne inside a castle built on the side of a mountain, a crown sitting on her fair head.
She grinned.
"I'll raise the sun, and make everypony worship me as their god... yes! That's what I'll do! Mwahahahahahaha!"
Her laugher was maniacal and loud. Very loud. She soon heard the sound of footsteps coming from the stairway.
She gasped, lied down on the ground, closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
The tapping of the hooves got closer and closer before it ended. Nothing happened for a while.
"One day, I'm going to kill you."
A knife dropped on the floor and clattered loudly.
"But not today."
Celestia rolled around and stared at Luna. "What?"
"You'll understand one day."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Bring me a blanket, I'm freezing."
"That's because you're sleeping outside."
"Shut up and do it. Then sleep next to me and heat my body."
Luna sighed and walked back towards the stairs. "One day..."
Celestia opened her eyes. Luna slept next to her and snored loudly.
"Oh for gods' sakes," she mumbled and stood up. She pulled the blanket away from Luna and wrapped it around her own body. Luna shuddered, but continued to snore.
Celestia approached a wall and looked through it. Except that the wall wasn't there, for it had crumbled years ago.
"Stupid sun. Why can't you raise yourself?" she muttered as she gazed at the eastern horizon.
"I can't move, I'm too fat," it responded.
Celestia gasped and backed away. "What the-"
"Oh, sorry. I should introduce myself first. I'm Sun."
Celestia stared at the nonexistent wall for while. I mean she stared at the horizon for a while. "Uh, hello?"
" 'Hello'? So you're from Grittish isles? No wonder you don't know me."
"How are you... talking to me?"
"I don't know," it said and tried to shrug without shoulders.
Celestia could feel the heat of the sun as her horn glowed brightly. "Augh, you're hot!" she muttered and winced.
"Thanks! That's what the moon always says to me."
"So, uh, is there any way I could raise you?"
"No, not really. 5 unicorns is the minimum amount to raise me."
"You mean... any unicorns?"
"Yup."
Celestia frowned. "Of course Platinum and his court lied, those buttholes."
"What?"
"Nothing," she said and remained silent for a moment. Her eyes lit up when she got an idea. "You know what? You're not that fat, it's just a self-image problem!"
"Yeah, sure," Sun said and chuckled.
"No, really, you're not that fat at all! My sister is much fatter."
"Really?"
"Yeah! You don't need the help of five unicorns to raise yourself. You can do it with my help alone!"
Sun said nothing for a while. "I doubt that."
"Come on, don't be so hard on yourself! If you're so fat, then why does the moon say you're hot?"
"I thought she just wanted to cheer me up."
"Nah, no she didn't. You really are hot. You're not fat, you're skinny. You can rise above the horizon with the help of a single unicorn!"
"No, that's just..."
"Come on! I believe in you! Let's do this together!"
"Alright, fine," it said and sighed. It remained quiet for a while. "You know what? Alright! ALRIGHT!"
"Yeah, that's the attitude! Now come on, get up and show the world that you're not a fatty!"
Sun breathed in deeply. Soon, the horizon became brighter and brighter.
Celestia's horn sparkled. "Yes! You can do it!"
Sun peeked above the horizon. Ponies walking on the streets below turned to gaze at the Sun in wonder. They became blind soon afterwards.
"Yes! You're almost there!" Celestia shouted.
The stars of the night vanished as the sky turned light blue.
"Yeeeaaahhh!" Sun shouted. "I'm the king of the world!"
"Woohoo! I knew you could do it!" Celestia said with a smile on her face.
"Woah, you... raised the sun?" Luna said.
Celestia was startled and she turned to see her sister. "Wha- how long have you been standing there and watching?"
"For quite a while. I didn't say anything because your raving was hilarious and I didn't want to interrupt you."
Celestia frowned. "I wasn't raving! I was talking to Sun and encouraging it to rise!"
"Wow, you really are insane," she mumbled.
"Yay!" one of the ponies below said. "The night is over! No more starvation! We don't have to be cannibals anymore!"
"Yes we do," another pony said. "All the cattle is dead and the plants will take moons to regrow."
The other pony frowned. "Well, can't we be desperate and eat grass once it regrows?"
The unicorn shook her head. "Nope, it'll take days for the snow to melt."
"Bummer. Oh well, at least we'll be starving under a shining sun."
"Rejoice!" Celestia shouted. "I have raised the sun and brought daylight to our desolate world!"
A pony below raised an eyebrow. "You?"
She nodded proudly. "Yup. Sun, rise a little higher, will you?"
Sun moved upwards a little and the ponies gasped.
"I can control the sun!" Celestia shouted. "If you don't give the crown of Platinum to me, I will make day eternal!"
The ponies groaned. "Not this again..."
"Hear me out! I am merely threatening you, not actually doing it! See? I am more intelligent than King Platinum!"
"Yes, but are you more kind-hearted?" one of the mares asked.
"Uhh... I have a little sister who loves me!" Celestia said, pulled Luna closer to her and hugged her.
"No I don't!" Luna grumbled.
"Aww," the crowd sounded.
"So, what do you say?" Celestia asked and pushed Luna away.
"Long live the Queen!" a pony shouted.
Celestia frowned. "'Queen' sounds too malicious. I am a princess!"
"Long live the Princess!" the crowd shouted.
Celestia smiled widely while Luna glared at her.
The sound of trumpets echoed in the alleys.
"What?" Celestia said.
"Rejoice!" shouted a unicorn who was accompanied by soldiers. "King Platinum has been killed, and his court was persuaded to finally raise the sun!"
Celestia blinked a few times. "Oh."
"Yup, she's completely mad," Luna said to herself.
The ponies glared at Celestia.
"Uhh... quick, Luna, we must fly away!" Celestia said to her sister.
"We don't have wings, Tia."
She frowned. "We don't? Curses! Let's go downstairs and hide under the table!"
"So," an elderly pony below said, "who will rule our devastated realm and lead the rebuilding efforts?"
"I say that those who want to lead step forward while the rest of us will vote and decide which one of them will rule!"
A unicorn snorted. "That is the most retarded thing I've ever heard. Sure, let's have the most popular ponies leading the country! That won't end horribly!"
"What about promoting those who are most qualified for the job?" another pony proposed.
"A meritocracy? That sounds good!" one of them said, and the others nodded in agreement.
Discord appeared in the middle of the crowd. "Greetings, my little ponies!"
The ponies gasped and screamed in terror.
"A year of suffering, misery and chaos has created me, Discord! I am the spirit of Chaos and your new ruler! So celebrate, ponies!"
There was no celebrating, for a group of crocodiles with bunny ears appeared out of nowhere and fire rained from the sky.
"Hohohoho! What a wonderful day!" Discord said and created a throne. He sat on it and smiled. "The summer of chaos has come!"
Author's Note
“Trumpets sound when the important decisions of our lives are made. Destiny is never made known silently.”
- Some wise guy
I hope you enjoyed this silly parody. If you're Rune Soldier Dan, let me say that I really enjoyed your story! Make a sequel ASAP or I'll parody your other stories.
Love,
Daniel
