Twilight And Spike's Adventure Or Something
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Deep in the reaches of space, there is a tiny little planet.
Behind that tiny little planet is a slightly larger, more inhabited planet that actually has trees and grass and sentient life, and is inherently more interesting than the usually unobserved 'moon' orbiting it regardless of whether or not tiny moon ponies live inside it, but that is another story altogether.
No, this is a story about a little dragon and his companion.
Sort of.
You see, Spike was not your ordinary dragon. As a matter of fact, some would debate whether or not he was even a dragon at all. Most dragons of Equestria were large, scaly and frightening creatures, breathing fire and casting long shadows over mountains full of their stolen treasures, usually from dwarvish-ly short ponies. Spike, however, was nothing of the sort. He was scaly, like a dragon, he had talons and a forked tongue, like a dragon, and he could even breathe fire, occasionally with huge jets of flame (but only after eating numerous tacos, and that was rather unpleasant; the fire breathing and the tacos) but there wasn't a single pony in Ponyville that considered him as dragon-y as the other dragons.
Spike was short, even shorter than most of the inhabitants of the little village he resided in. He rarely even behaved like a dragon, aside from his appetite for delicious crunchy jewels, sometimes with a side of eggs sunny side up. The little purple drake resided fairly peacefully by himself, tending to a quiet little tree turned home turned public library in the center of Ponyville, happily living day to day in peace.
Then along came a unicorn, who promptly put that shit to a halt.
“What are you cooking, Spike?”
The drake shrieked in surprise and fell off the step stool that he used to reach his stove, eggs and rubies flying from the pan and landing over half the room. He was swift to dust his claws on his pink 'Kiss The Cook' apron, startled, and finally laid eyes on the intruder.
Of all things unlikely, a one-eyed unicorn was smiling at him through the open kitchen window, her Cheshire grin setting him a little more on edge than he had been previously. Her one violet eye watched him unblinkingly, and he resisted the urge to stare at the black eyepatch.
“... Hi,” he said lamely, pretending to ignore the now billowing flames erupting from the stove as added insult to his ruined breakfast. “The library's closed until tomorrow. Also, have we met?”
“Probably. Also, why are you so purple?” the equally purple unicorn stuck her hoof through for him to shake, leaning comfortably through the window as if she owned the place. Spike noted that she was leaning directly into the hanging flower basket that he had so carefully tended to the day before, squashing innocent daisies like they were no more than... well, daisies.
“... Come on, don't leave me hangin', bro,” she shook her hoof again at him.
“Uh... okay?” Spike shook her hoof tentatively. “Pot, kettle, black and all that, miss purple unicorn. Um, I kind of have to go, my house is sort of... catching fire.”
“Yeah, they do that occasionally. I can't help myself sometimes. You can call me Twilight Sparkle, by the way.”
“What?” Spike blinked.
“No, not what, Twilight. What are you, brain damaged? It's two syllables. Try harder.”
“Not that,” the irritated miniature dragon struggled to put out the roaring flames with his apron, which he swiftly pulled away as it was charred to a crisp. “Why did you spook me like that? You could have just knocked on the door, you know.”
“Yeah, and then you would have ignored me,” Twilight rolled her hoof through the air nonchalantly as the flames continued to lick their way up the wall, scorching the ceiling as Spike desperately strained to throw a bucket of water onto the raging fire. “Or just said that the library was closed or something like that, and just had your little breakfast and gone about your day as if nothing were out of the ordinary.”
Spike, having finally doused the majority of the flames, wiped a bead of sweat from his brow in frustration. The remains of his breakfast still lay cooling on the floor (and walls), perfectly good gems and eggs gone to waste. He shot an angry glare at the completely relaxed unicorn.
“You could have helped,” he jabbed a thumb at the burn marks all over his kitchen.
“I did,” Twilight responded coolly.
“You did?”
“I did.”
“What? How?”
“I saved you from a boring as fuck day. You're welcome, Spike.”
“You're welcome?!”
“I can't think of anything else as purple that repeats itself so much, so your parents must have been an eggplant and a very lonely parrot.”
“I – that doesn't – you can't – please get out of my house!” Spike crossed his little arms angrily.
“Fine, but only if you come out too.”
“What would possibly make you think that I'd want to?” the dragon grumpily attempted to gather the remains of his poor breakfast.
“Because I'm bored and you're obviously lonely as well and shouldn't be left alone with eggplants either. Let's go on an adventure or something.”
Spike balked at her.
Smoke continued to coil from his still burning stove, the first flickers of flame beginning to rekindle.
“... Are you serious?”
“As serious as a mime having a heart attack,” Twilight replied expressionlessly. She vanished from the window an instant later.
“And how, might I ask-” he said loudly and wiped his claws on his apron as he meandered around to open the front door for her, “-might you even know my name? I'm positive I've never met anyone quite like you.”
Twilight, her mad grin back as if it had never left, only pointed with one hoof to the sign hanging on the front door.
Spike's Public Library, No Cats Please.
“... Oh,” he blinked, sighing as his kitchen once more caught fire. “Yes, well, I suppose that would do it.”
“Too fuckin' right,” Twilight agreed. “So, you wanna go on that adventure now?”
“With you?” he stared up at her, giving up wiping the burn marks off of his apron and tossing it away. “Why, where, and what is wrong with you?”
“I already told you I'm bored, somewhere more fun, and it didn't bother me when my parents asked it and it doesn't bother me when you ask it. Get your flank in gear already, Spike.”
“You are completely mad,” Spike shook his head slowly.
“That's debatable. Wanna go on that adventure anyway? I've got this bitchin' time machine that can fly through space, it's the pegasus's teats.”
“... You have a what,” he stared at her dully.
“A ship that goes through space, and also time and other stuff,” Twilight pointed over her shoulder. Indeed, there was a large gleaming metal sphere sitting smack dab in the middle of the road that several passing ponies warily glanced at. It looked nothing like any ship that Spike had ever seen, though.
“That hardly looks like a ship,” he argued as he followed her to it regardless. “I can't think of a single reason why I would possibly trust a claim as outlandish as that, or more importantly, why I'd follow along on this adventure of yours instead of just staying home where it's nice and safe.”
Twilight only pointed back at the library, which was now fully aflame.
“... Oh. Well. Yes, I suppose that would do it. Time machine, you said, right?”
“Too fuckin' right!” Twilight clapped her hooves together gleefully, and the sphere opened up on command. A set of metal stairs instantly dropped from the gleaming orb, revealing a surprisingly spacious interior with a myriad of flashing lights and buttons. “Come on, Spike; let's go on a grand adventure or whatever!”
“Or whatever,” he shrugged, following the mad mare up the extended steps.
The door closed shut behind him with a metallic woosh!, and he yanked his tail close to keep from losing it to the maw-like doors.
“Yep,” Twilight let out a satisfied grunt as she carelessly smacked a couple of seemingly random buttons on the wide console. “My pad's pretty bitchin', if I do say so myself.”
“This-this is unlike anything I've ever seen,” Spike said breathlessly as he gazed about the shining room, complete with beanbag chairs. “It's so... peculiar, it's like something out of one of my comics!”
“So,” Twilight magically dragged over one of the beanbag chairs before sinking halfway into it. “All of time and space. Where do you want to start?”
“Actually-”
“Trick question!” Twilight cackled, making him jump. There was a crackling of magical energy as the ship rumbled, blinking red and green lights flashing simultaneously above them. “The answer is to the fu~ture!”
“S-seriously?” Spike blinked.
“Yeah, it's fine. Paradoxes are just a myth anyway, like calories or pet dandruff or debt collectors.”
“I'm pretty sure that all of those things you just mentioned actually exist,” Spike held up a single talon as she opened the bay doors casually.
“That's because you live in the Dark Ages, Spike. Read a book or something.”
Spike was having difficulty comprehending anything that she was saying, because outside of the opened door was nothing but starry space.
“Holy Celestia,” he breathed shakily, his legs feeling close to collapse. “We-we're in space... we're actually in space!”
Directly across from them floated a very slowly rotating blue police box, a befuddled looking tan stallion staring at them in shock as a blonde mare poked her head out from behind him.
“... What?” the stallion stared at them.
“Yo,” Twilight stuck her head out beside Spike. “Nice jalopy, does it get a whole four miles per galon?”
“... What?”
“For fuck's sake, does everypony have to repeat themselves?” she threw her hooves in the air.
“What?! We're going at the speed of light!”
“The speed of light's for pussies!” she shouted at him, baffling Spike as to how they could even hear each other across the vacuum of space. “We go at the speed of Twilight, bitches!”
And with that, Twilight slammed her hoof on another button and sent them careening into the future, where things were significantly more adventurous, hopefully.
After a few seconds of shocked silence, Spike turned to the unicorn and asked, “So, how long exactly does it take a time and space machine to get to the future?”
“Less time than the average rate,” she responded cheerfully, switching her eye patch from one side to the other to reveal a perfectly good eye beneath it. “Also, we're there.”
“Wait, you don't actually need that eye patch?” Spike followed her as she magically opened the doors. “Then why-”
“Welcome to the future!” Twilight threw her hooves out at an enormous, gleaming city. Humongous skyscrapers of glass and steel levitated on silent red rockets, the streets were filled with more teeming ponies than Spike had ever seen in his life, and there were a myriad of robots scurrying this way and that doing presumably robot-y things.
“This is amazing!” Spike had to consciously close his mouth, his mind ablaze with questions and inquiries that all seemed more impossible than the last. “This is incredible! This is stupendous!”
“This is a thesaurus!” Twilight mockingly mimicked him, switching her eye patch back to its previous location. “Damn, you've been around too many books for way too long.”
“What is this place?” Spike took a few tentative steps forward, head flipping this way and that as he tried to take in all the sights at once. “When are we?”
“I think you mean when- goddammit, beat me to it. Also, no clue, I just hit buttons,” Twilight admitted. “I would have still told you it was the future even if we landed in the past or whatever.”
“... You're kind of awful,” Spike frowned.
“You're kind of the size of a football, don't make me punt your scrawny flank.”
“This place is... it's just amazing,” he grinned feverishly at a passing robot, which stopped before him. It had a chrome colored dome atop a trashcan sized body, and propelled itself on little wheels. “What even is this thing?”
“Oh, that's a blowjob robot,” she explained conversationally.
“A-a what?”
“A blowjob robot. You stick your dick in it and it gives you blowjobs. The future has those.”
As if to confirm this statement, the robot beeped and whistled a couple of times.
Spike looked back at the unicorn, then back to the robot.
“No, seriously. Go ahead and try it out. It's the pegasus's teats.”
Spike ever so slowly lifted one leg, putting his claws on the robot's dome for balance.
The robot immediately released a high pitched whistle as it spun in violent circles, tossing him to the concrete future-ground as it took off with a number of very profane sounding beeps. Spike had difficulty making them out, however, through the sound of Twilight's hysterical giggling.
“Oh sweet Krishnalestia, I can't believe you actually tried to hump a street cleaner!” she hacked through her peals of laughter.
“Ha, ha, very funny,” Spike rose with what little dignity he could muster, flushed. “This adventure of yours is terrible.”
“Oh, no it's not,” she wiped her eyes, still chuckling. “It's the pegasus's teats.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” he dusted himself absentmindedly.
Twilight only pointed back to her small spherical ship. S.S. Pegasus's Teats was spray painted in bright blue on the side.
“Oh. Yes, well, I suppose that would do it.”
“Too fuckin' right,” Twilight beamed. “Let's go explore!”
Spike followed the tittering unicorn closely as they passed a group full of shiny latex suit wearing mares.
“What is there to explore?” he asked, eyeing the group closely as they passed. “Aren't you already from the future?”
“Yes,” she nodded as another of the street cleaning robots chased a slightly faster rat with kangaroo legs. “But this is the future's future, I'm just from the future, so this is technically new adventure. If it were just my time it would be regular adventure, which is to say an adventure for you but a normal day for me, and I'm not a taxi service.”
“What do you mean, taxi service?” Spike asked absentmindedly as the concrete gave way to an enormous ascending stairway to a giant glass dome full of trees.
“It means cash, grass or ass, nopony rides for free. Take the elevator.”
Spike followed Twilight to the elevator directly next to the circling stairway, noting the huge number of mares that had stopped to stare at the odd pair.
“... Twilight,” he said slowly as the glass doors to the elevator silently closed behind them, a slight feeling of vertigo overtaking him as they rapidly rose. “I just realized something. Why does the future have so many mares?”
“I would guess because the future future doesn't actually have any stallions left,” she rolled her hoof through the air. “I mean, I come from the future, and the future only has a few stallions, so I guess it would make sense that the future future has had all of the stallions weeded out. I suppose that whole robotic insemination project worked after all. Huh.”
“Robotic what project?”
“I'll show you for your birthday, we're here,” Twilight nudged him out of the elevator, throwing her hoof out at the canopy of trees. “Behold; future future adventure! That, or... something. I'm not exactly sober, give me a break.”
Spike balked at the floating neon sign before them that read 'Jungle Adventure! Bring Your Own Robot Beer!' and the little colored red cars sitting along a track that led into the forest. A large snack machine rested on the ground next to it, a number of strange items lit beneath a dim green light. A few eager mares were already climbing into the ride, and another was standing fixated before the snack machine.
“... I have to admit,” Spike said as he clambered uncomfortably into the seat, following the pictures on the back of the seat in front of him to put on his buckle. “This isn't necessarily the adventure that I had in mind. I know my home is kind of on fire, but I think I'd rather be there.”
“Really, this isn't what I was planning either,” Twilight munched on a bag of popcorn taken from the vending machine, which lay in smoking ruin behind them as the cart trundled along as if propelled by magic. “And your home isn't on fire now, it's on fire then. Also, the future future kinda sucks.”
“How so?” Spike stared up at the plastic trees around them, a zealously tinny song about small worlds scraping at his ears and making him cover them protectively.
“It's pretty much the same as the regular future,” Twilight shouted over the sound of the saccharine sweet ear blasting, “Just with more mares, or something.”
Then she dropped her popcorn on the track when a robotic mouse popped out from the canopy to sing along. Said robot was promptly obliterated with a blast of violet magic, its steaming carcass still emitting music that wasn't quite loud enough to cover the rather vulgar comments from Twilight that Spike didn't fully understand, although she seemed rather frustrated about carpets for unascertained reasons.
By the time the ride was over Spike had somehow gained an intense loathing for the entirety of the future. Or rather, the future future, as it was apparent that all taste in music was to die, and this made him deeply upset. Clearly, not more upset than Twilight, who was still humming the unhelpfully catchy tune as they calmly walked away from the smoking ruins of the jungle ride.
“Don't look so pissed,” Twilight ruffled some papers at him in a magical grip. “Look, we got pictures.”
“What?” he rubbed the knuckle of one claw into his ear. “It's still hard to hear, I think that last explosion deafened me. Do they always do that in the future?”
“Oh, totally,” Twilight lied as they reentered the elevator, the pair of them oblivious to the terrified shrieks of several mares as one of the animatronics 'mysteriously' imploded in a shower of purple sparks. “The future is kinda minotaur shit like that. So much for adventure.”
The ride down was fairly quiet. Twilight was clearly fuming, growing steadily more and more angry as they descended. By the time they finally reached the ground, she was fully furious, and one eye was twitching. A number of brightly colored mares with futuristic glowing manes attempted to approach, but were slightly put off by Twilight's less than welcoming glowers and blasts of violet flames.
“Actually,” she stamped along beside the drake after a minute of relative silence, “I don't think so. No – no way, no how, absolutely not,” she stomped the ground angrily. “This is not the future future adventure I wanted at all! This totally blows!”
“I don't think it was so bad,” Spike shrugged.
“You're half my size, ergo your opinion is invalidated,” she argued, leading him back to the ship. “Fuck that, this future is awful. Let's go talk to the head honcho, see why everything sucks harder than a Neighpanese prostitute.”
And with that, the peculiar pair was back inside the time traveling space ship, Twilight hammering away at buttons with intensity.
“So... who exactly is in charge in the future? I mean, the future future?” Spike asked. “Actually, it's all the future to me, I'm just going to call it the future. That aside, isn't Celestia still in charge, what with her being immortal and all?”
“No idea,” Twilight shrugged as the bay doors reopened, revealing a splendorous steel court with towering metal pillars. They hopped down from the Pegasus's Teats, and Twilight even lifted her eye patch to get a better look.
“... Hot damn, there's even more chrome in the future future than the regular future,” Twilight replaced her eye patch. “Should have brought sunglasses, or something.”
“It's kind of hard to see anything,” Spike squinted through the glaring sheen at the empty shining throne. “How does anypony get things done here?”
“WHO HAS ENTERED THE ROYAL COURT OF ROBOLESTIA?” a booming metallic voice echoed throughout the chamber.
“Oh,” Twilight's eyes widened a little. “Yes. Well, I suppose that would do it.”
“THE ROYAL COURT OF ROBOLESTIA HAS NOT BEEN INTERRUPTED IN APPROXIMATELY... SEVERAL YEARS,” the ear shatteringly loud voice rang again, almost bowling them over. “WHO DARES ENTER?”
“Bitch, please,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Pizza delivery, twenty bits plus tip.”
“Oh, it's only you,” a robotic alicorn peered out from behind the oversized metal throne. “You've been gone for a while.”
“Clearly,” Twilight shifted sides for her eye patch. “You've gotten an upgrade, I see.”
Celestia cantered down before Twilight, revealing her enormous razor sharp wingspan and casting a long shadow over them.
“Indeed,” Celestia nodded once, and Spike noticed that her voice was coming out from a small grey metal box set in the place of her mouth. “A smart mare changes with the times.”
“Actually, a smart mare changes the times,” Twilight frowned up at her. “You look like you're about to ask me if I want hay fries with that.”
“I think I preferred the old you, your highness” Spike nodded.
“Correction! The old me was meaty!” Celestia stamped her hoof with a loud clang. “I am upgraded, I am Celestia two point oh! I am Robolestia!”
“So,” Twilight took a couple of steps backward, pulling Spike along with her. “Just as an aside, after you went and fusion-haa'd with a toaster or something, what happened to all the stallions while I was away?”
Robolestia twitched her metallic head in Twilight's direction, her eye holes suddenly glowing.
“They were deemed illogical and unnecessary.”
“Oh,” the unicorn nodded. “Because males are uneducated and incompetent and inferior in every way to the future future's females.”
“Correction,” Robolestia shook her head with a couple of squeaks. “Because fornication has been deemed unlawful and profane in the eyes of Robolestia for the last five hundred years.”
Twilight stared up at her for a long moment.
“... Bitch, you just mad 'cause you can't fuck anymore!”
“CORRECTION!” Robolestia cast out her wings again, her voice blasting their mane and quills back, respectively. “All decisions are lawfully right under the rule of Robolestia!”
“Well, at least there's still lesbian sex,” Twilight nodded thoughtfully.
Robolestia was silent for a few seconds, then beeped.
“Correction! ALL fornication has been deemed unlawful!”
“What? Great job, and now the future sucks ponut, sex is awesome!”
“Correction!” Robolestia advanced, several holes opening up in the ceiling as her metallic armored guard advanced on them with glowing laser spears. “All opinions other than those supplied by Robolestia are unlawful!”
The marching pegasi swiftly surrounded them, every mare with a blistering hot laser spear pointed directly at their heads.
“Oh balls, Celestia,” Twilight hid Spike behind her protectively. “We should probably try to get out of here, now!”
“Correction,” Robolestia's horn began to glow as she loomed over them. “There is approximately an insignificantly tiny chance of escape! There is nothing you can do! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!”
Twilight blasted the robot ruler of future future Equestria square in the face, knocking her metallic head to the floor at their feet where her glowing eyes stared unblinkingly at them for several moments.
“... Oh,” Robolestia said in dim surprise. “Yes. Well. I suppose that would do it.”
“Too fuckin' right,” Spike agreed, and punted her.
All of the armored mares just stood around for a bit, looking confused at the matricidal unicorn and her dragon companion.
“... Well, shit,” one of them took off her helmet to shake her short mane loose. “That was anticlimactic. Didn't really see it coming. Now what do we do?”
“Are you the princess now?” another of the mares asked, lowering her future future laser spear. “That's how it works, right?”
“Uh, balls, I don't care,” Twilight shrugged. “Figure it out amongst yourselves, you're smart mares, I guess. Or something.”
“I have some questions,” one of the mares in the back piped up.
“Me too, actually, said the one that had removed her helmet. “We heard all that stuff Robolestia said.”
“How?” Spike looked up at her curiously.
“Loudspeakers,” she shrugged. “Kind of hard not to. Firstly, what is that thing with you, warrior unicorn? And why is her voice so strange?”
“Correction,” Spike frowned, at which all of the mares promptly flinched. “I'm not a 'her', my name is Spike. And I'm a dragon.”
“Dragon? Is that a model of android?” another mare pulled off her metal helmet, getting a better look at them as the rest slowly followed suit. “Where can I get one? It's kinda cute.”
“Oh, well, shucks-” Spike blushed, kicking at something invisible near his feet before Twilight cut him off.
“No, no,” Twilight shook her head. “See, this is what we from the past would call a 'male'. They're slow and smelly and usually ugly, but they're good for manual labor that robots can't accomplish and the occasional lay here and there.”
The crowd was silent. Well, aside from Spike, who was glowering at the unicorn with an intensity that could have blown up a sun.
Eventually, somepony asked “What's a 'lay'?”
“... Oh, teats, I seriously am going to have to stay here,” Twilight rubbed her temples with one hoof. “I've got an entire race of mares that have no idea what fucking is. Well. This blows.”
“These phrases confound and interest me, warrior unicorn,” the mare that had first spoken bowed her head respectfully. “What are the meanings of these peculiar statements of yours?”
“Actually,” Twilight held up a hoof. “Hold that thought. Spike, do you think you're capable of helping me bring a whole bunch of stallions from the past to the future future? Or would you rather just have me drop you off at home?”
Spike thought about it for a moment.
Then he thought about it for another moment, for dramatic pause.
“Don't you mean bring them from the past past to the future future?” Spike asked coyly.
“... You snarky little shit,” she grinned, rubbing him vigorously on the head. “Glad to have you on the team.”
“Agreed,” he beamed up at her. “Let's go on an adventure, or something.”
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