It's Really Quite Uncomfortable In Here
Blackness – dark, empty, and silent. Princess Celestia groaned as her eyelids fluttered open. At first she thought she was still asleep, but the sound of her own ragged breathing told her otherwise. She could feel the coolness of a long, thick something that was wrapped firmly around her, encasing her head, body and legs. Her eyes flicking about pointlessly in the dark, Celestia cast her mind back for details of what had happened. She vaguely remembered having a conversation with Twilight and then walking through the castle corridor. Something had grabbed her leg...
Vines. These were vines. Celestia gave a growl as she tried her best to hurl herself against the blackness. There was a small hissing sort of sound, a little like steam issuing from a boiling kettle, and the blackness tightened itself around her, making her curse quietly.
“Hello?” came a muffled voice from somewhere to her right.
Celestia froze. “Luna?” she said disbelievingly. “Is that you?”
“Sister! You’re trapped too?”
Celestia tried once more to struggle against her bonds, but the vines held her fast. “Trapped, and likely to stay that way – I can barely shift with these things around me.”
“The vines have kept me here for hours, so I can only guess they’ve had you here too. But since you’re awake now, I don’t suppose you could tell me what we’re doing here?”
Celestia stopped struggling with the vines to catch her breath, panting slightly. “How in Equestria should I know?”
“Well, being the Princess of the Day, and over a thousand years old, and wise and learned and all that, aren’t you supposed to know these things?”
“Think before you speak, Luna. It’s as though you think I’ve arranged this. A double kidnapping so that we could spend some time together? Hardly.”
“Fair point.”
Celestia twisted blindly in the darkness of the vines, but again to no avail. “These... blasted... vines!” she grunted.
“There’s no point in struggling, Sister. They won’t shift.”
Celestia stopped struggling and smirked to herself. “Forgive me for saying this, but you are wrong, Luna. Watch.”
“How? I can’t see anything, remember?”
“... Well, then wait just one moment. I’ll have us out of here in no time.”
She closed her eyes, her brow furrowing. She could feel the energy coursing through her as the magic flowed into her horn. But the vines were having none of it. She gasped as they wrapped themselves mercilessly around her horn and squeezed it tight. There was a weak fizzling, and Celestia’s spell died without ever having been cast.
“B-but... that spell was –”
“Magic doesn’t work against them, Sister, any more than fighting does.”
“How is that possible?” she hissed.
“Don’t ask me.”
“Hmph. My thanks for the epic help, Luna.”
“You are too kind, Sister.”
“Huh.”
Celestia chewed absently at her bottom lip, thinking hard. “Vines... thick ones... and they can stop our magic... It’s as though they can think for themselves.”
“I’ve already thought this through myself, Sister. Plunderseeds. That was the conclusion I came to.”
“Yes... Yes, you’re right, Luna. Plunderseed vines. Now the question is this: who would use plunderseed vines to capture the two leading princesses of Equestria?”
“Who indeed? Although I think we both know who the main suspect is...”
Celestia smiled to herself. She knew exactly who was at work here and was ever so slightly annoyed with herself for not seeing it sooner. “But of course we do, Luna. Clearly, this is Discord’s –”
“Twilight Sparkle,” came her sister’s response, cutting Celestia short.
There was a long pause. “Luna,” said Celestia, chuckling, “it was a bold effort, but it wasn’t very humorous.”
“I’m being serious, Sister.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Sister, I’m being serious.”
“... You’re being serious...”
“I am.”
“... Twilight? Twilight?! What on earth makes you think she is the cause of all this?”
“It’s very simple, Sister. First let me show you why your suggestion, Discord, is wrong.”
Celestia snorted. “I’m far from wrong, I think, Luna.”
“Bear with me. Discord was reformed, yes?”
Celestia almost laughed out loud. “Reformed? And I thought I was supposed to be the naive one where Discord was concerned! It’s in the name. Discord. Of course he’s the one behind all this! With the princesses out of the way, he can do whatever he wants! Who’s to say he hasn’t got Twilight and Cadence all wrapped up in vines too?”
“That’s not a bad argument, Sister, but wait until you hear what I’ve got. Like I said before, I’ve been awake for hours, just sitting here and thinking about it, and I’ve got it all figured out.”
“Huh,” grumbled Celestia. “Very well, then. I’m listening.”
“Just give me a moment.”
“Why? It’s not as though you’ve got better things to –”
FRRRRRRRRRRP!
“... Luna? What are you –?”
“Shh!”
“... Luna?” repeated Celestia again, eyebrows raised.
“I’m removing last night’s curry! You never know how long we’re going to be trapped here for, so I think it’ll be easier to get it done now instead of later.”
“You’re... what?! Luna, that’s disgusting!”
“Oh, it really isn’t, Sister. After a thousand years on the moon, you get used to life without the toilet seat. Now give me a moment, please, and I would appreciate it if you look away.”
“Look away?! Luna, you know fine that neither of us can see anything!”
“Nevertheless, the principle is the same. You keep your eyes averted when somepony is removing curry... Now get them shut!”
Celestia sighed and, quite pointlessly, closed her eyes, the darkness behind her eyelids no less intense than the black of the plunderseed vines. Why in the world were they wasting time jabbering away about why they were here and who did what? They should have been escaping!
Pfffffffffrp. “Luna, after you’re... done, we should really look for another way to escape these things –” Pfrrrrrrrrrrp. “– it’s hardly time for talking, and as much as I’d be fascinated by your reasoning as to why Twilight has had us kidnapped by a marauding vegetable, I think it best if we focus on the real issue at hoof here, which is getting out of –” Pfrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!
“Aaah. That’s it.”
Celestia shuddered in disgust. “And how on earth are you going to – to –”
“To what?”
“Wipe?”
“Oh. I’m not going to.”
“... That really is disgusting, Luna.”
“You’re too kind again, Sister.”
Celestia gave a heavy sigh. “As I was saying, the real issue here is to escape these vines. I wonder...” She tried to prize her hooves from the floor. There was a sudden jolt, and she felt them being firmly dragged back down.
“Sister, there really is no getting out. I suggest that we wait for help, but I doubt any will come.”
“Fine,” snapped Celestia. “We’ll play it your way. So tell me, why is it that Twilight Sparkle – the Princess of Friendship, no less – is responsible for this... situation we find ourselves in?”
“Simple! She’d gain!”
“... I’m not sure I follow?”
“She’d gain, Sister! She’d become Equestria’s leading princess! She’d be in charge! She would be able to do what she wants when she wants to do it, and she wouldn’t have to waste her time endlessly writing you letters. Also, she’d be able to boss ponies about, and from what I’ve seen, she’s never said no to doing a bit of that.”
“Forgive me, Luna,” she said with a sigh, “but those are some lousy arguments.”
“I’m not done yet! Now, I know that I just said Twilight is responsible, but it could just as easily be Cadence.”
“Luna, this nonsense has gone on for long enough. Now, if you don’t want to escape and are happy to sit here ‘removing curry’, that’s fine by me, but I’m going to get out of here, and you’ll help me if you know what’s good for you.”
“See, Cadence would gain just as much as Twilight would, which is the entire kingdom, and –”
“Luna, I don’t know how to put this politely, but could you please just shut up?”
“Oooh! Maybe they’re both behind it and are even now battling savagely for the top spot! I’m backing Twilight to win in a fight between the two, of course. I admit it: you’ve taught her well, Sister, and Cadence has never been one for offensive spells.”
“Luna...”
“Hmm... Actually, Twilight might be innocent. If I approach it from the angle that Cadence is still mad at us for bursting her beach ball that one time, then it would certainly add further to the motive –”
“Luna...”
“But I’m still saying it’s Twilight. I think I insulted her at the gala when I said her dress was too low-cut for a bookworm.”
“LUNA!”
“Yes, Sister?”
Celestia took a calming breath. “We were escaping, remember?”
“I already told you, it’s useless to struggle against these vines. They only tighten.”
“Useless? To struggle, maybe. But what about digging?” Celestia chipped at the ground with a hoof. It felt damp and soily. Perfect.
“Digging, Sister?”
“Yes! Digging! We can dig our way out!” Celestia laughed and began to burrow her hooves into the soft earth.
“Now look who’s talking nonsense.”
“Luna!” Celestia frowned. “We should at least try...”
“By all means, Sister. Try.”
“Hmph.”
She dug her hooves deeply into the wet soil, only the next second she gave a grunt as the air was knocked out of her, and she was raised high into the air, the blackness around her tightening even more.
“Hey!” came an angry exclamation from Luna. “What gives? The vines just got tighter!”
“I guess digging doesn’t work either,” Celestia managed to mutter, her eyes watering from the blow to her torso.
“I told you!”
“Yes, alright, alright! I get it, Luna!”
“See? Twilight’s gone and bewitched these all too well. We aren’t getting out until she wants us to.”
Celestia rolled her eyes and said with heavy sarcasm, “And when do you suppose that will be?”
“Oh, it could be a while. Could be any time, really. She’ll probably turn up with her toyboy, laughing evilly and confessing her master plan while we gape helplessly at her.”
“Her toyboy?”
“Oh yeah. It’s kind of a staple accessory for when you’re evil. Evil stallions stroke cats, and evil mares have a toyboy. I bet hers is Fancypants...”
“Fancypants?!”
“Think about it. He’s rich, influential, charming – exactly the kind of pony Twilight’d do well with. The two of them’ll probably turn up in the next few days, laughing at us. They might marry, actually. The new king and queen of Equestria. Sounds legit.”
“I thought I’d heard the worst of it, but this theory just gets wilder and wilder. Twilight barely even knows Fancypants! Why on earth would she marry him, evil or not?”
“Pfffft. They’ve stood next to each other for more than half a minute, and that’s enough to warrant a match in some ponies’ books.”
“Luna, this is –” She was cut off as the vines tightened around her chest with alarming force.
“See, Sister?” Celestia could just make out Luna’s croaking voice and assumed that she, too, was being crushed by the plant. “The vines heard me shipping their evil overlord and retaliated...”
“I think,” gasped Celestia as the vines squeezed her harder and the choking blackness intensified, “that they want us... to stop... talking...” Her eyes began to water as the pressing continued.
“In this case... I’d have to agree... with you... Sister...”
“Don’t worry... Twilight... will be here any moment... to save us...”
“She’s the one behind all of this, Sister... We’re going to... be stuck here forever! If these things don’t throttle us first... that is...”
“Any... second... she’ll be here...”
“She won’t!”
“She... will...”
“She –”
There was a blinding flash of light, and Celestia squawked as it pierced her eyes. And then...
She blinked. Standing in front of her in the bright glow... who else but Twilight Sparkle? She was beaming widely, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie beside her, their smiles equally wide. It was with a smirk that she turned to Luna.
“Told you so,” she whispered.
Luna gave a deep sigh and shook her head while hitching a smile onto her face. “I think my version of things was more exciting...”
They both grinned as Twilight ran forwards and embraced them.
