The Greatest Magic

You are Trixie.

You are one badass mother fucker.

Okay, that actually only happened once (to which you will not flash back), and she gave you a ton of shit for leaving the next day, but fuck that. You can't be tied down by some bitch, especially if she's got a kid. She begged you to at least stay for breakfast, so you removed all the contents of her fridge and left, in a process some might call "emptying."

That's probably why Twilight was such a bitch. Showing off in front of someone the day after you screw their mom is probably a bad idea.

You decide that Ponyville's shit should be Ponyville's shit. You're still not comfortable with the way that rainbow colored one was looking at you.

So while leaving Ponyville's shit in Ponyville, you decide that it would be pretty awesome if you went to Jupiter and saw some of those badass floating islands that are there in the atmosphere.

They totally have those on Jupiter. I saw it on a documentary or Star Trek or something like that.

So you build a totally awesome spaceship, which you can do because you're Trixie, and fly off to Jupiter.

On the way, some shit happens, but you don't need me to tell you about it cause you were there and obviously know what happened.

Anyway, you land your ship perfectly (because you're Trixie) on this floating island and step out with your Sword of the Infinium that you got on the way here. You don't want to take any chances with some space pirates or some shit.

And then you realize that there is a TOTALLY BADASS CASTLE on this island! Aw, shit! That's awesome! But whose castle is it?

Oh, there! It's Applejack's castle! She's coming out to do some shit or something around the island.

You're still pretty upset at how totally useless her rope was, but that doesn't matter.

The past's in the past, so you reach out your hoof for a brohoof, but she turns her back on you! You're pretty pissed about that, but whatever.

The past's in the past, so you reach out your hoof for a brohoof, but she turns her back on you! You're pretty pissed about that, but whatever.

The past's in the past, so you reach out your hoof for a brohoof, but she turns her back on you! You're pretty pissed about that, but whatever.

The past's in the past.

You are now Applejack.

Why?

Because I say so. Now shut your trap and be Applejack.

Trixie won't stop trying to brohoof you, and it's starting to piss you off. That bitch is really annoying.

The next time she tries to brohoof you, you turn around and try to kick her, but she dodges and OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, Applebloom appears!

You kick her and she goes flying off the edge of the island. She hangs there and looks down and then waves goodbye and then she falls.

I guess your castle had some sort of teleporter or something.

In five seconds, the police show up (because FUCK YOU, RAINBOW DASH) to arrest you for murder. You tell them that it was an accident and that they can still save Applebloom!

"Man, fuck that," one of them says and takes you away.

Now you have a choice: You can be Applejack in her attempts to make friends with the guards in jail by doing their taxes so that they'll beat the shit out of her enemies and eventually she'll escape using some sort of tiny hammer or some shit and spend the rest of her life in Zihuatanejo (which was actually filmed on the US Virgin Islands), or you can be Trixie in her cosmic adventures.

I'm just messing with you. Your opinion doesn't mean shit.

You are now Trixie again.

Well, shit. That didn't go so well. You have a castle now, but Jupiter is kind of a shitty neighborhood, so you decide to get in your spaceship and do some more shit in the cosmos. Now that you won't be staying on Jupiter, your Sword of the Infinium won't do shit, so you toss it over the edge. You're not worried about it hitting Applebloom because you know gravitational acceleration is a constant.

You didn't take into account terminal velocity or air resistance, but fuck that. That shit's annoying to calculate. Besides, Applebloom fell off, like, a hundred feet from where you tossed your sword.

So you get in your spaceship and go do some more stuff (which I don't have to tell you about because you did it) and HOLY SHIT your spaceship is damaged and now you can't land right. Well, that sucks. You're just going to have to crash land somewhere (you're also almost out of fuel because of that thing with the sentient tennis ball that fell through a black hole into another galaxy, so you can't make it back to Equestria). You see a planet and figure that you're badass enough to turn any resources into a new spaceship, so you crash land there and your ship is vaporized on impact. You shouldn't have made it out of Explodium. You survived, but now you're stuck on this planet until you can build a ship.

Unfortunately, that's impossible, because the only resource is OCs.

That's right: You just crash-landed your ship on the Planet of the OCs. You look around and they're all Alicorns and they're making you really horny just looking at them because THEY ARE THAT SEXY.

You are now your OC, which doesn't live on the planet of the OCs.

You know, because you have a magical connection with everything and are that awesome, that Trixie is in trouble and you should probably go save her if you want to have a threesome with her and Twilight later. So you build a spaceship (because your special talent is instantly knowing anything you want) and head over there.

While you're on the way, you start writing a scathing blog post about Equestria Daily's pre-readers. You tried to send them your life story, but they just kept saying something about Mary Sue or some shit (whoever that is).

Using the magical connection you have with everything, you head to the planet on which she is and land the ship perfectly (because you decided you should instantly know how to land a spaceship perfectly).

You step out to introduce yourself, but Trixie shoves you aside and takes off in your ship, leaving you behind. I guess you should have decided to instantly know what she would do once you got there. You fucked up, bro.

The good news is that everyone's totally awesome on this planet and loves everyone (sexually). It's just a shame that you'll never see your true love, Twilight, ever again.

But the truth was that she was just screwing you out of pity. In actual fact, she's been screwing Pinkie Pie behind your back. Now that you're out of the way, they're thinking of getting married.

You are now Rainbow Dash.

You heard about Twilight and Pinkie Pie getting married. That's bullshit. You've never been attracted to any mare before (well, there was maybe that one time where... but that's aside from the point), so it's clearly unnatural (and also disgusting).

You go over to Fluttershy's and Rarity's because you know that they'll help you protest this crap. Princess Celestia can't let this nasty-ass shit go down!

Fluttershy's thinking about it (she's a pansy, after all), but Rarity's all for it. The two of your begin planning your intervention for Twilight and Pinkie Pie. They need one, after all.

You are now Fluttershy. You're sad now because you heard that Applejack (whom you used to fuck, like, all the time) is in jail and she's trying to make friends with the guards in jail by doing their taxes so that they'll beat the shit out of her enemies and eventually she'll escape using some sort of tiny hammer or some shit and spend the rest of her life in Zihuatanejo (which was actually filmed on the US Virgin Islands). It turns out that Applejack is shit at doing taxes and so most of the guards are now in jail, too.

But that's okay. You didn't like Applejack that much anyway. At least Big Macintosh knew how to shut his trap in the sack.

Wait. We can't show that because this isn't a clopfic. Looks like we need to find somepony else to be.

You are now Rarity.

Oh... wait. No. God, no. You don't want to be Rarity. Nobody wants to be Rarity, not even Rarity. That's worse than being Spike. At least with Spike you can watch Twilight and Pinkie Pie having hot maremounting sex, though that's kind of creepy, seeing as how Twilight is essentially your mother. Also you're a dragon and they're ponies, so the whole "xenophilia" thing is pretty weird.

No, I think maybe we'll choose a different one.

Let's see: Fluttershy's doing things to Big Mac that would make a daytime hooker blush, and this isn't a clopfic, so we can't get into that. Twilight and Pinkie Pie are screwing and Spike is watching... Wow, everyone's having sex except for you, aren't they? Well, Rarity and Rainbow Dash are preparing their protest, and that's absurdly boring.

Oh! You can be Trixie again!

So you're Trixie again, and let me tell you: Some interesting shit happened. As it turns out, Applebloom didn't die. She actually managed to grab the Sword of the Infinium and used it to save herself by swinging it really fast or something. As it turns out, she's the Champion of Jupiter, not you. So that sucks a bit, but that means that you've got a travelling companion! That would be pretty awesome except for the fact that you were already heading back to Equestria. You don't want to end up on the Planet of G3.5 or some crap.

It turns out that the space ship you stole is, like every space ship ever, made of Explodium. It's super cheap, so why wouldn't everypony make shit with it?

Well, it explodes... every atom of it, in fact, so that's a problem. But you and Applebloom are badass enough to survive something as simple as every atom around you turning into subatomic particles and energy.

Unfortunately, Applebloom is shit at navigation, so you guys crash landed into that one queendom with the changelings and all that. They start coming after you, talking about some "greatest magic," but you don't really pay much attention because you and Applebloom are too busy beating the shit out of them. Applebloom may be worthless as a navigator, but she's badass with the Sword of the Infinium.

So there's, like, a couple hundred dead changelings and you figure you can make an airplane out of their dead bodies, even though airplanes don't exist yet (this is weird because invention doesn't happen, period). Applebloom once again proves that she's useless at everything except that giant-ass sword and doesn't properly calculate the fuel requirement to get to Hoofington, so the two of you crash land near Canterlot.

As it turns out, Explodium is made from dead changelings.

But you escape the explosion again because you're just that badass and then Applebloom starts whining about Ponyville (or complaining, you can't tell the two apart sometimes). Well, you forgot where that tiny little shithole was, and Applebloom is still shit at navigation, even though it's been, like, an hour since she found out and she still hasn't mastered it. She must be really slow.

So rather than argue with a slow child, you decide to get directions to Ponyville. After all, it's better than dealing with that farmer who's freaking out because of some crater in his corn field or something. You probably did that guy a favor. Corn's bad for you. Too much starch and all that.

You haven't been to Canterlot since you screwed Twilight's mom. Come to think of it, you haven't left Canterlot without fucking bitches since you started fucking bitches. It's a shame you're probably going to stop that streak today. After all, you don't want this whiny slow kid around you longer than necessary.

"-andtheteleportersaiditwouldsendmetomysisterbutthensomeponykickedme-"

By the gods, was she talking this whole time?

You turn yourself and Applebloom invisible to sneak past the guards (they'd let you in anyway, but you're mother fucking Trixie and can't be bothered by some stupid guards) and you realize that there's some sort of celebration or some crap for which they're setting up. It looks like some big wedding or something.

Which sucks, because weddings (especially really big ones like this one apparently is) are the best place to fuck bitches, and you're going to be gone before it starts.

You can't ask the guards or the other ponies for directions to Ponyville! You're mother fucking Trixie (even though that only happened that one time and HOLY CRAP there she is and she almost saw you but you managed to pull Applebloom behind a flower cart)! You can't just ask somepony! You have to break into the Canterlot records to find the official maps!

That's totally not an excuse to have you be in Canterlot longer than absolutely necessary.

Just as you're approaching the castle, you hear something going down and then something blocks out the sun.

Holy crap! It's Celestia! Applebloom managed to get the duct tape off her mouth and is whining again (or complaining, whatever), so you shove her in a barrel. You stick around for a few seconds while it hops around so you can be sure that she's secure. Then you head over to where the commotion is.

Celestia seems pretty upset, but so do the bunch of ponies The one yelling the most seems to be that pegasus with the rainbow colored mane. After your experiences on the planet of the OCs, you decide that maybe the way she was looking at you wasn't so bad after all.

As you get closer, you hear her yelling about how disgusting maremounting sex is. What the hell? Fucking bitches is disgusting? She did not just say that!

You're not going to blast her, though. No, it won't go down like that.

You are going to fuck that bitch.

So you go up next to Celestia (there aren't any guards near her because she's a dumb bitch and goes around without guards next to her all the time) and that rainbow bitch shuts up right away and stares at you in awe. The other ponies shut up to see why she shut up.

Now that everyone's watching, you go up to the rainbow colored one and don't waste any time. You start fucking that bitch.

Now, this isn't a clopfic, so I obviously can't describe it, but let's just say that by the time you're done, Celestia's sent for the entirety of the palace's cleaning staff because of how much needs to be cleaned up.

Once you're done, you get off of the rainbow-maned pony and she's completely incoherent. The other ponies are bowing down, and you don't know why. Then you look around and realize that you have fucking badass wings!

From where did those come?

"The Great and Powerful Princess Trixie..." you hear from behind you and you realize that it's Celestia, so you turn around to look at her and she looks kind of tired (you notice that the back of her legs and a nearby tree look really wet). "You have proven yourself worthy of being a princess by wielding the greatest magic."

"The greatest magic?" you ask. You thought you already had the greatest magic: Being Trixie.

"The greatest magic," Celestia says, "is fucking bitches."

"Shit yeah, bitch!" you say. You let Applebloom out of her barrel and Celestia lets Applejack go since Applebloom is still alive.

Just then, Twilight and Pinkie Pie come into Canterlot and you have a foursome with them and Luna before they get married.

Rarity decides to suck less, and she starts screwing Rainbow Dash on the side and you take her on as your apprentice in fucking bitches. Now people actually want to be Rarity, including Rarity.

As it turns out, Twilight doesn't mind you screwing her mom, so you do her and Luna on a fairly regular basis now (at the same time).

So now that you're a princess, you fly around Equestria, fuck bitches, and just be awesome every day.

THE END