I'm The Villain?

by Roxxi

Rating: teen
Tags: Nightmare Moon, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 27166

Gee, I wish somepony had told me sooner, this is embarrassing.

Nightmare Moon has been running around Ponyville doing unthinkable acts! She's been... been helping ponies and doing charitable work! Hold on a second, that's not bad at all? Why is the evil NIghtmare Moon being so nice? What? Nopony told her she's the villian? Well gee, somepony should go do that, shouldn't they?

In case it wasn't slightly obvious, Nightmare Moon is doing things that typically aren't expected of a villian, and when Twilight Sparkle inquires as to why she's so nice, it shocks Nightmare to learn that she's the villian. Seeing no other option, she immediately sets out to rectify this situation. This is a comedy with darker elements including, but not limited to, kitten cruelty, royal beatdowns on the eldery, orphan terrorizing, property damage, and the ever present etc.

Published 2012-06-11 20:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-17 01:26:48 UTC

The Nighmare Continues! - Self Explanatory.

The Night Skies Of Ponyville

Nightmare Moon lazily flew above the small town of Ponyville, searching for one building in particular. Hooves Across Equestria, a sickeningly charitable foundation that distributed food, toys, clothes, and even medical necessities like vaccines and blood to starving and needy ponies in other cities and towns that were, well all across Equestria, so at least they had a sensible name.

“Sensible name or not! No good deed goes unpunished, and no act of charity goes unresented!" Nightmare blinked. “Brilliant! ‘No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!’ I think I’ll make that my new creed, it’s very catchy if I do say so myself.” Nightmare Moon crowed smugly, proud of her clever creed, her Anarchist’s Creed, if you please. Tilting her wings slightly to start her descent towards her target, Nightmare Moon landed gracefully at the doors of the building’s main office.

She approached the doors with a regal stride, every ounce of her ego radiating off of her through the sway of her swaggering hips.

Whoosh!

Nightmare jumped back in alarm, landing on her rump and giving the doors that had automatically slid open a withering glare. “What form of sorcery is this? No unicorn was around to open these doors, and the last time I checked, doors did not move on their own… When was that? A thousand years ago perhaps?” She scoffed. “It’s absurd; doors do not change after a mere millennia!”

Several Minutes Later

“So… This door opens when I move in front of it? Fascinating!” Nightmare Moon walked through the sliding doors after several wonder filled moments of testing the doors powers. She looked around the main lobby, giving the spotless room and its terrible collection of outdated magazines like Mane 6teen, Millionmare Monthly, Ponies, and the dreaded Gnome and Garden with Carrot Top.

“Those magazines are torture! Honestly, and ponies say that I’m evil…” She approached the empty front desk and tapped the small silver bell with a sign directing her to do so. A split second later, a grayish blue earth pony with a cutie mark that really just looked like somepony sewed a piece of fabric to his hindquarters popped up from behind the counter. He beamed at her with a smile big enough to swallow a watermelon whole.

“Hiya! I’m Terrycloth, welcome to the main headquarters of ‘Hooves Across Equestria’! How may I help you today?” Terrycloth asked cheerfully.

“….”

“Uh, are you okay miss? You got a funny look in your eyes, are you feeling sick or something?” The helpful earth pony asked her, his smile getting a little smaller out of concern for the black mare in front of him. He was worried because she was still staring at him with an open mouthed expression of surprise.

“You… There was nopony… Where did you come from? Tell me!” Nightmare had finally broken out of her stupor and was now banging her hooves forcefully on the counter. Terrycloth blinked and then laughed.

“Ah, that. Don’t tell my boss, but I was kind of hittin’ the hay back here, our secret?” He looked at her with a pleading smile.

Nightmare thought about it for a moment, dastardly schemes forming in her mind. “I suppose I can keep your secret, IF you tell me where the food supplies are. Do we have an acceptable agreement?” For good measure, she held out a hoof in a customary sign of acceptance she had observed other ponies doing before the ‘Twilight Tragedy’.

Terrycloth visibly relaxed and shook her hoof. “Thanks, I owe ya one. The food supplies are right over there, through that door, down the hall, and 3rd door on the left.” The gray-blue ponytarian frowned and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Scratch that, that’s the snack room. The food supply is through that door” he pointed to a door on the opposite side of the room. “Down the hall, take a left at the blue door with the smiley face on it” He held a hoof up to silence whatever question Nightmare had. “Don’t ask, it’s not a funny story. Anyways, continue down the hall way left of that door, knock three times on the green door cause it makes a duck noise when you do, totally hilarious, then all you have to do go through door next to the green duck door and you’ll be in the food supply room. Easy as pie, right?”

“…”

“Aw man, I broke her brain with my intelligent directions! Knew I should’ve given her a map! Celestia, how am I so inconsiderate all the time?” While Terrycloth despaired over his blunder, the midnight alicorn shook her head slowly and turned to walk to the door that would lead her to the food supply.

“Whoa there! Where are you going? Only employees can go through that door! The snack room is totally fine though.” The earth pony behind the counter seemed to materialize in front of her, causing her to jump back.

“Well then I invoke the favor you owe me from keeping your napping habits secret, make me an employee immediately.” Nightmare commanded, getting a little irritated at all the distractions preventing her from destroying the food supply.

“Really? Uh… Sure, you’re an employee now, just fill out the paperwork and- WHYYYYyyyyyyyy????” Terrycloth’s scream died down as he got further away from the building, courtesy of Nightmare Moon’s Mighty Midnight Mash, not that she actually called it that. That would be ridiculous.

“Now, it’s through the door… And down the hall into the green door… Argh! I can’t remember what that blithering bubble head was babbling about!” She looked back at the desk. “Perhaps there are directions behind the counter?” She trotted over to the marbled topped counter and began rummaging through the files and drawers behind it.

Ding!

“…Anypony here?”

DingDingDingDingDingDingDingDing!

“CEASE YOUR INFERNAL RINGING OF THAT EQUALLY INFERNALL SILVER BELL BEFORE I BANISH YOUR ALSO INFERNAL SOUL TO SOMEWHERE SIMILARILY INFERNAL THAT ACCURATELY REFLECTS MY EXTREME DISPLEASURE AND DISDAIN FOR YOU AND THAT INFERNAL BELL!!!” Nightmare roared as she jumped up from behind the counter, smacking the hoof of the ‘infernal’ pony in question, crimson coated pegasus with wings surrounded by three thin lines on each side.

“Oh s-sorry miss, I didn’t think anypony was here. I’m just here to donate blood; I’m supposed to see you about it, right?” The pegasus asked nervously. Nightmare Moon narrowed her eyes and thought about it for a moment.

She grinned at him, fangs and all. “Why yes, I can help you donate blood, no trouble at all! Come with me, and everything will be over soon.” Nightmare chuckled darkly, apparently forgetting the pegasus was there.

“Uhhh… I don’t get the joke, what’s funny?” The red pegasus asked, a confused frown on his face. “Nothing seems funny about donating blood.” He froze and gasped in way a certain pink party pony would be proud of. “Oh no way! Are there blood jokes now? Man, I knew I should’ve read that joke book instead of Playcolt! I just couldn’t resist this month’s centerfold, Tia Celes, the pony with a plot you wouldn’t believe. Everypony knows Airstream loves himself a nice juicy plot. I could stare at that plot all day, know what I mean?” The pervert pegasus grinned lecherously, and then proceeded to groan and drool on the floor after a chance meeting with the rare and exotic hoof of a growling midnight terror pretending to be a ponytarian.

“You… You! Gah! Just come with me so I can get this out of the way and continue with my plans!” Nightmare dragged the still drooling Airstream into a door marked ‘Blood Donations’ which she was grateful for, lest she have to search for a map again through the mess that they had the gall to call a filing system. Really, you could hide a fully grown dragon in that heap of papers.

10 Minutes, 5 Perverted Jokes, and 1 Backhoof Later

Nightmare Moon was levitating various medical instruments around a bound and gagged red pegasus strapped to a comfortable looking reclining table couch chair thing. Whatever those things are, it was comfortable looking.

“Okay, according to this manual on blood work, all I have to do is put this needle in you and let the bag fill up. Easy enough, right?” Airstream nodded. “Wrong! This will be a game! Pin the needle in the pony time!” Closing her eyes, Nightmare grasped a long needle attached to a rubber tube between her hooves, spun around and slammed the needle down into the pegasus before her.

“Did I win?” Nightmare opened one eye to check on her placement and cheered. “Yes, right in the jugular! That simply must be bonus points! It is, isn’t it?” She looked to the ironically blood red pegasus on the table. Couch. Chair. Thing.

All Airstream could manage was gurgling noises, seeing as it’s difficult to talk with a needle through your jugular. Nightmare Moon shook her head and smiled thinly. “You know, it’s very rude not to answer when somepony asks you a question.” She trotted to the door, opening it with her magic. “Don’t worry about the needle; it’ll disappear when the bag is filled up, okay? Then all you have to do is stop the blood from spurting out of your punctured jugular and that’ll be foal’s play as soon as you untie yourself!” She waved at the panicking Airstream with a wicked grin and trotted out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

“Now where did he say the food supply was? This is frustrating, why didn’t they make a map of this accursed maze?” Nightmare screamed in anger, she was getting nowhere fast. She had to do something to find the food supply so she could unload her bag of Parasprites to eat-

“That’s it!” She picked up her saddlebag in a purple aura and dumped the contents on the ground. She poked one of the colorful fuzz balls with a hoof and cooed. “Come on darlings, Mommy has a special job for you; she needs you all to eat every piece of food in this building, okay?” The bright yellow parasprite she had poked silently blinked at her and fluttered its wings.

Nightmare Moon face hoofed. With a sigh, she put on her most terrifying sneer and growled at the little puff of gluttonous fuzz. “Listen to me closely you insipid insect, you WILL eat every scrap of food in this wretched dump, and you WILL do it NOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!” She yelled the last part rather forcefully, which caused the group of parasprites to squeal in terror and fly off in search of food to appease her.

“So hard to find good help these days…” Nightmare muttered to herself as she left the building, reveling in the horrified screams of terror that followed soon after. “I love the sound of terror in the night!” With a delighted cackle, the marauding midnight mare launched herself in the air.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Small Cottage In Ponyville

“This is the address, I believe. 236 Mane Street.” She looked up from the small scrap of paper with the address of the pony that had received her kidney. Nightmare approached the door and gave it a swift knock, and a yawning earth pony answered the door.

“Y-yo, what’s *yawn* What’s up?” The earth pony asked, rubbing at his eyes with one hoof. Nightmare cleared her throat and looked back to the scrap of paper.

“You are Mareizio Garino, correct?” Nightmare looked up from her paper to study him carefully. Garino was an orange earth pony with a red star outlined in black with black lines coming from each of the farthest points of the star to meet in the middle. It was rumored that Garino was a former anarchist from Maredinia, but had long since moved to Ponyville to settle down after a change of heart or some nonsense like that.

“Yeah, that’s me. Say, aren’t you the mare who donated her kidney to save my life? Thanks a million, doctor said if it hadn’t been for you, I would’ve have died.” Garino beamed and walked back into his home, nodding in her direction. “Come on in, least I can do is get you a drink, right?”

“Well I can think of something else you can do for me…” Nightmare chuckled darkly, slamming the door with her magic.

“Look Miss, I know I’m a drop dead sexy stallion and all, and I’m very grateful for the kidney, but I ain’t loose like that. If we got to know each other, then maybe we can get together that way.” Garino said, coming back from the kitchen he had disappeared to with two glasses of cider.

Nightmare reeled back. “What? Ugh, no! That notion is ridiculous! I have no intention of doing such lewd acts with the likes of you, I only want one thing from you, something I should never have given away.” Her horn glowed and Garino was thrown into a wall and help in place by the dark purple aura of her magic. “I am going to take back what is mine now and you… Well you should pray that there’s another kidney that matches your needs.”

“L-let’s not be hasty, please? We c-can work something out, right?” Garino was sweating profusely, trying to get free of the magic force binding him to the wall. His struggles became increasingly frantic with each tauntingly slow step the maniacal mare from the moon took towards him.

Nightmare smiled, it was deceptively sweet and innocent, minus the fangs that is. Funny how those things always got in the way of her smiles. “Oh but I have worked something out my little pony, I’m going to take my precious organ back, and you are going to watch in agony as I do it. Possibly just in horror, I don’t know if it’ll hurt or not, but there’s really only one way to find out, isn’t there?” Nightmare pressed a hoof against the trembling earth pony’s side and slowly applied pressure.

“N-no! What the hay are you doing?! This- This isn’t right!” Garino moaned helplessly, tears forming in his eyes as the hoof at his side slowly plunged into his side, searching for the borrowed organ that had saved him.

“Oh where, oh where has my kidney gone? Oh where, oh where can it be? I made a mistake, and I gave it way! Oh kidney please come home to me!” Nightmare Moon sang cheerfully as she dug around in the side of the pony currently in possession of her precious kidney. Her eyes sparkled brightly as she carefully pulled it out, focusing her magic on it to teleport it back into place, good as new.

“There we go! All better, I’m so glad we had this little get together Garino, but I must be going. Evil to spread and all that wonderful jazz.” She smiled brightly at the gasping pony still stuck to the wall and trotted out his house, feeling very pleased with herself, and making a silent vow to never foolishly give away any of her own flesh and blood again.

“It’s okay baby, momma’s never going to let you out of her sight again, metaphorically speaking of course.” She gently patted her side lovingly as she stepped out into the cool night air. “Ah, nothing’s more beautiful than the night…” She sighed contentedly and sat down on her haunches, enjoying the starry sky above her.

“…”

Nightmare blinked and stood up. “I have no time to enjoy the night scenery, no matter how breathtaking it is, there is yet more evil to be spread across Equestria!” Flaring her wings out, she soared high into the night sky. “Excelsior!” She slapped herself across the muzzle. “Why? What sense does shouting that make? Why in Equestria would I say such a ridiculous thing?” Nightmare shook her head chidingly and continued her flight to the next place she intended to spread evil.

The Pony Orphans Of Ponyville Orphange

“Oh you have got to be pulling my hoof… The P.O.O.P. Orphanage? I built them an orphanage, and they name it P.O.O.P.? This eye sore will burn…” Nightmare growled to herself after landing at the front door and seeing the plaque beside the doorbell, engraved with the terrible name they had chosen for it. She tapped a hoof against the doorbell and was greeted by a slightly frazzled looking mare with a smiling heart on her flank.

“Oh? Hello Miss Moon! We can’t think you enough for your help! The children have a much better place to live thanks to you! Do come in, have you some to see the children?” The kindly old mare ushered her inside, leading her to the foyer. “You can go on and visit the little dears; they’ll be upstairs about this time. I hate to leave you alone, but I have to take care of a few very pressing matters, you understand, don’t you?”

“Of course, of course, I too have very important items on my list to handle; I won’t be here long anyways.” Nightmare Moon nodded dismissively, climbing up the stairs to second floor.

She looked down the halls on either side, choosing to take the door to the left of her. She opened the door with a small pulse of magic and stepped inside the room, where a group of young fillies and colts were playing a board game. She smiled at them, opting to keep her mouth closed with this smile, so her fangs wouldn’t frighten the children before she could do it intentionally. “My name is Nightmare Moon, and I’m here to read you a story before your bedtime, does that not sound delightful?”

There was a collective rabble of excited approval, stories were always enthusiastically welcomed among orphaned foals, this was a common fact. Nightmare conjured a book out of thin air, earning her wonder filled stares from the orphans, seeing as magic was also a valued activity among the orphaned community.

“Okay my little ponies, the story I’m going to read to you is a personal favorite of mine. It’s a terrific story called Cupcakes!”

A Short While Later

A teary eyed alicorn exited the room with barely contained laughter. “Oh d-dear, th-that was invigorating! I didn’t kn-know reading children stories could b-be so bucking entertaining!” Nightmare stumbled down the hallway, accidentally crashing through a door and barreling into a rather apathetic looking unicorn colt.

The colt she was currently sprawled on sighed moodily. “Can you like, get off me and junk? I don’t like ponies touching me…” The young foal was a dreary looking gray color with sad looking mask, reminiscent of theatre masks from Shakescolt’s days as his cutie mark.

Nightmare Moon stood up and regarded him carefully. “Tell little one, would you like to cause pain and suffering to other ponies? To spread evil and anarchy throughout the far reaches of Equestria?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever… I don’t care… Just don’t call me by my lame name my lame parents gave me, I go by Kiue Jin now, it reflects my inner demon… And stuff…”

“Your name is really Kenneth James, isn’t it?”

“…No…”

Nightmare snorted, this little colt wanted to be a minion and he couldn’t even lie right? That wasn’t going to happen, but she did make the offer, so she couldn’t feel right about not giving him s trial run. “Alright, Kiue, take this package and go down to the basement, tap in three times on each side, than chant this spell. Shouldn’t take more than, oh say five minutes.” She thrust a small package into his lap and turned to leave. “Make sure you follow those directions exactly, or else.” She glared at him threateningly with the last part, which Kiue returned with an apathetic sigh.

“Whatever…”

Nightmare left the dreary unicorn’s room, closed the door slowly, and then bolted for the door. The bomb she had given him would go off in less than five minutes, and that was one thing she most certainly did not want to be near when it happened. She blurred past the elderly mare who had greeted her at the door.

“Thanks! Must be leaving! BYE!” She practically flew out the door, leaving a bewildered looking caretaker wondering what had crawled inside her bridle.

Several Hundred Yards Away

“It’s… been *huff* five minutes, that *whew* bomb should have *my lungs!* gone off by now!” Nightmare Moon was currently leaning on a street lamp a good distance from the orphanage. “Did I not set it right? Did something hap-”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Quite used to explosions cutting her off when she wasn’t expecting it, Nightmare just grinned. “There we go, a nice explosion, complete with roasting orphans.”

“Well that’s quite a bit crossed off my list now! I destroyed the food supplies at Hooves Across Equestria, and donated blood as a bonus. I got my kidney back, such a lovely kidney it is. I read a story to orphans, possibly traumatizing them for life, blew up the orphanage, effectively starving them seeing as they have no food now. Not that it does them any good, as they’re roasted and whatnot. I think I did pretty well so far, so it’s off to the ne-” Nightmare paused and blinked in surprise as the smoking body of the mare from the orphanage landed a distance from her, on the opposite side of the street.

“Huh… Well what do you know; I helped an old mare cross the street as well, even if it was unintentional.” The black alicorn mused thoughtfully as she crossed a few more lines from her list.

“I feel like singing a song now, in celebration of my bad deeds, and the eventual conquest of Equestria!” She took a deep breath and sang gleefully.

” This day has been just perfect,

The kind of day of which I've dreamed since I was small

Every pony I'll soon control

Every stallion, mare, and foal

Who says a girl can't really have it all!"

“HEY!”

Nightmare Moon whirled around to see Queen Chrysalis standing there in all her swiss cheese-esque glory glaring at her with pure fury in her eyes. “You stole my song!”

Nightmare grinned devilishly at the Changeling queen. “I know, it’s because I’m evil.”

Chrysalis stomped her hoof angrily. “You can’t steal my song, it belongs to me!”

Nightmare continued grinning, and looked at her coyly. “I have but one thing to say to changeling.”

“What could you possibly have to say?” Queen Chrysalis snorted indignantly.

“You mad?”

Scenes That Happened But Were Not Shown Because I Did Not Think To Add Them Till The Very End Along With Author Notes And Thank You Notes To Those Who Helped Inspire Parts Of This Chapter

The Parasprite Fiasco

Nightmare Moon face hoofed. With a sigh, she put on her most terrifying sneer and growled at the little puff of gluttonous fuzz. “Listen to me closely you insipid insect, you WILL eat every scrap of food in this wretched dump, and you WILL do it NOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!” She yelled the last part rather forcefully, which caused the group of parasprites to squeal in terror and fly off in search of food to appease her.

“So hard to find good help these days…” Nightmare muttered to herself as she left the building, reveling in the horrified screams of terror that followed soon after. “I love the sound of terror in the night!” With a delighted cackle, the marauding midnight mare launched herself in the air.

“Oh Celestia! Parasprites are attacking! They’re devouring all of the food that we were going to donate to needy ponies!”

“What do we do??? Wait! What about the snack room?!”

“The snack room? But the food supplies are being decimated!”

“Never mind that, all of my best cider was in the snack room! Did they get to it? Tell me man, TELL ME!”

“Y-yes! The Parasprites shredded through the snack room!”

A few moments of silence.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

The Caretaker’s Pressing Matters

“Oh? Hello Miss Moon! We can’t think you enough for your help! The children have a much better place to live thanks to you! Do come in, have you some to see the children?” The kindly old mare ushered her inside, leading her to the foyer. “You can go on and visit the little dears; they’ll be upstairs about this time. I hate to leave you alone, but I have to take care of a few very pressing matters, you understand, don’t you?”

“Of course, of course, I too have very important items on my list to handle; I won’t be here long anyways.” Nightmare Moon nodded dismissively, climbing up the stairs to second floor.

The old mare in charge of the orphanage trotted into her office and locked the door behind her. “I must say, I do enjoy your visits ever so much! They are such a treat after a harrowing day of taking care of little foals. The children fill the hole in my heart, and you, my big handsome stallion fill the hole between legs.”

“Eeeyup.”

4 Minutes Later

“Dreadfully sorry you couldn’t stay longer like usual, but tonight we had a guest come over, and I should check to see how things are going, you will come back next week for another special visit, won’t you?”

“Eeeyup.”

Kiue Jin And The Package

Nightmare snorted, this little colt wanted to be a minion and he couldn’t even lie right? That wasn’t going to happen, but she did make the offer, so she couldn’t feel right about not giving him s trial run. “Alright, Kiue, take this package and go down to the basement, tap in three times on each side, than chant this spell. Shouldn’t take more than, oh say five minutes.” She thrust a small package into his lap and turned to leave. “Make sure you follow those directions exactly, or else.” She glared at him threateningly with the last part, which Kiue returned with an apathetic sigh.

“Whatever…”

Kiue Jin trotted down to the basement a couple of minutes later as he carried the package in a gray aura. “Man, this is so lame, if there wasn’t the promise of spreading pain and suffering, I wouldn’t be helping that lame old mare.”

The apathetic unicorn set the package down on the ground and stared at it. “What’s so important about this lame package?” He tore off the wrappings with a burst of his magic, and he discovered what was so important. A bomb, with very little time left.

“Aw man, so lame… What the fu-”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Author Notes And Thank You Notes

I decided to put more comedy into this chapter, and I believe it helped me. It was a lot easier to write, seeing as I didn’t have to worry about ruining one aspect of it with another. I would love your thoughts and feelings on the matter, if you can spare the time.

I was honestly shocked by the length of this chapter.

I want to thank some very special ponies and fellow authors:

-Airstream, for generously donating blood(sorry you didn’t get an extended seen, but you got to play a game, so that balances it out in my opinion.)

-Garino, for volunteering to have his kidney removed and offering up the idea of helping an old mare across the street, even if I did it indirectly

-Kiue Jin, for(hopefully) not getting mad I blew his orphan up and for making him a depressed pony and giving me list ideas for the next chapter

-Tundra Stanza, for unknowingly inspiring me with Chrysalis’ song and the ensuing scene

-Any and every pony who’s viewed my story and commented on it, in fact, just viewing this story gets you a thank you.

Still A Villain! - Six Hooves Under

Fluttershy’s Cottage, The Edge of The Everfree Forest

A tall shadow coated alicorn trotted up to the front door of a certain animal loving pegasus’s cozy home. Nightmare Moon was a little under whelmed to say the least, after seeing the cloud home of Rainbow Dash.

“That was a fun little side trip on the way here; the look on that fool’s face was priceless!” Nightmare cackled. One of the many things she enjoyed was the look of despair and hopelessness on the face of somepony who had their dreams crushed, it was refreshing. She sighed nostalgically as she rapped her hoof against the door.

KnockKnockKnock

“H-hold on one minute please, I’m trying to get Angel to eat his salad… If you don’t mind waiting that is.” A soft voice replied. Nightmare rolled her eyes, even after the self-esteem boost she had given her while she had been a misguidedly good pony Fluttershy was still stuttering. Maybe she had a speech impediment, it would make sense.

A few minutes later, the door to Fluttershy’s cottage cracked open a few inches to reveal a pale blue eye, which looked at her cautiously before widening in surprise to see who was at her door. The door swung open and a yellow pegasus with a rosy pink mane partially obscuring her face beckoned Nightmare in with a soft smile.

“It’s so good to see you again Nightmare! Oh, that sounds so very mean, can we give you a nicer name, if you don’t mind having a nicer sounding name I mean. Not that there‘s anything wrong with the name you have right now, it very.. Um… Nice.” Fluttershy smiled sheepishly as Nightmare noticed she seemed to be overall more relaxed. Fluttershy trotted to the kitchen to get the pair something to drink. “Would you like some tea or cider? Or water? Or juice?”

Nightmare shook her head, a relatively unnecessary gesture as the mare it was directed to was no longer in the room. “No, I’m not thirsty. I’m here on a strictly business matter, no time for pleasantries of that sort.” Nightmare Moon looked around the cozy cottage, her eyes roaming over the room with mild disgust at all the animal cages and the small rabbit laying face down in a bowl of salad. “…That’s just weird…”

Fluttershy returned from her kitchen with two cups of juice. “It was very kind of you to visit me, even if it was short notice. Not that I mind of course, it’s always nice to have somepony over for company.” Nightmare Moon frowned slightly.

“I thought I said I didn’t want anything to drink, was I not clear?” She frowned again when the pegasus laughed quietly. She shouldn’t be laughing; she should be cowering with unparalleled fear or at the very least shivering with unease.

“Oh no, this is for Angel. He usually cooperates better at dinner if I give him juice.” Fluttery explained as she set one of the cups down beside the salad diving rabbit. Angel turned sideways, sniffed the cup of juice and was about to smack it across the room when a Stare from Fluttershy stopped him in his tracks. “You are going to drink that juice, eat your salad, and you will like it, do we have an understanding Angel?”

If there were words to describe the sheer amazement Nightmare Moon felt at that moment, she would not have been able to say them because she had been stunned speechless by the authoritative tone and commanding stature the usually calm and relaxed pegasus used on Angel. Speaking of which, Nightmare noticed the rabbit in question had begun eating his salad in earnest and gulping large mouthfuls of juice with gusto.

Turning back to the black alicorn, Fluttershy smiled, all traces of the Stare gone from her face and voice. “You said you had important business, I think? What did you need from me? If you don’t me asking that is.” She sat on the couch opposite of Nightmare’s spot where she still stood.

“Huh? Right, business. I have come to rewrite a right that I made in a lapse of judgment, so hold all comments until the end of my speech, okay?” Nightmare smiled genially, getting very close to Fluttershy, who was starting to look uncomfortable. “Now how would you say you feel about yourself at this point in your life?”

“Uh… I feel good about myself, I’m not as afraid as I used to be of failing in front of others. And I guess that-”

“SHUT UP!” Nightmare roared, causing Fluttershy to recoil in surprise and fear. “You shouldn’t feel good about yourself! You’re a joke of a pegasus! You can barely fly for crying out loud, you might as well be an earth pony for all it matters, but I don’t think you could even cut it as an earth pony!” She snorted with contempt as Fluttershy opened her mouth to defend herself.

“I don’t want to hear whatever inane comment you had, it would be just as pointless as you are. The only half decent thing you have to your name is the ‘Stare’ but you can’t even use that unless you friends are threatened or on something as mundane as a rabbit, who treats you like its slave, just in case you couldn‘t process that on your own you flight school reject! You‘re being bossed around by a freaking rabbit, grow a spine you cowardly sack of horse apples! You do not deserve such a commanding power, in fact you don’t deserve anything you have you poor excuse for a pony! The only reason you’re wanted around here is that you talk to animals! But anypony with half a brain could that! Hay, even that dingbat Derpy Hooves could do your job, freaky eye powers or not!” Nightmare glared and looked the shaking pegasus in the eyes, venomous hatred meeting pitiful fear.

“Humph! Can’t even defend yourself when somepony insults you. You worthless piece of trash, I should just end your pitiful, loathsome, despicable existence right now. I wouldn’t even want to do that, why waste my energy on a whimpering foal like you? You should do everypony a favor and get lost in the Everfree blindfolded.” Nightmare prodded Fluttershy hard in the chest with her hoof and stomped out of the cottage, knocking over cages as she went. “You sicken me; don’t let me ever see your sniveling face again.” And with those spiteful words, Nightmare Moon left the sobbing pegasus’s home after punting Angel out the window. “Silly rabbit, salad is for ponies.”

The Road From Fluttershy’s Cottage To Ponyville

“I think I left her somewhere… Around here… Oh horse feathers, how can a pony with punctured lungs just disappear like that? It doesn’t make- Oh, there she is.” Nightmare blinked, and trotted over to the tree where she had thrown Ponyville’s premiere, and only, librarian. She leaned down and smiled at the lavender unicorn who had propped herself against the tree and was struggling to heal herself with magic. “Why hello my most precious crash test dummy, how are you faring? Have you learned any important lessons on the magic of flooded lungs?”

“B.. Buck you…” Twilight wheezed, spitting a glob of spit and blood at the midnight monster before her, the one who was responsible for her ruptured lungs. Nightmare Moon simply clicked her tongue and shook her head.

“You know, I was going to leave you in peace here, but since you decided to be oh so rude to me, I’m going to visit your darling little library and check out a book.” Nightmare grinned darkly, and in a conspiratorial tone whispered in Twilight’s ear. “And I’m going to return it in the wrong section!”

Twilight gasped in horrified shock, then coughed up blood, and continued gasping in her previous horrified manner. “You… You monster!”

Nightmare laughed giddily and began to walk back to Ponyville. “Maybe I’ll rearrange all of the books! Ha!”

As the figure of the hysterical alicorn grew further and further away, Twilight redoubled her efforts to repair her lungs. She had to save the library’s filing system. And Ponyville, that was important too, just not as important as the sanctity of the library’s filing system.

Sugarcube Corner

Nightmare Moon stared at the bakery bewildered, it was by far the strangest building she had ever seen. “She lives in a… Giant gingerbread house? That does not make any sense! Who in Equestria would live in a gingerbread house! Just because the word has ‘house’ in it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to actually make a house out of gingerbread! That’s bizarre and ridiculous!” Nightmare shook her head in aggravation.

“Forget it, just get this over with and we can get on with things and get far away from this freak show of a building.” She silently eased open the door with her magic, trying very carefully not to alert anypony who might be a light sleeper or still awake at this late hour to her presence. Nightmare looked around the bakery, the light from her magical aura casting a soft glow on all the sweets and treats in the room. She gulped; this might take more effort than she thought.

4,056 Confectioneries Later

Nightmare Moon groaned slightly in a mix of satisfaction and pain as she rubbed her rounded belly, a testament to the massive amount of pastries, cakes, cupcakes, candies, and other sugar-filled items she had devoured. “Perhaps… Urp… Perhaps this was not my most well developed plan… How can something so good be so bad?” Nightmare rolled to her hooves and stood up, shaking herself in an attempt to rid the sugar induced sleepy feeling from her body. The sound of hooves on the staircase brought her attention to a pink earth pony with balloons on her flank who was currently staring at her in wide-eyed disbelief.

“Oh my gosh! You must be new! I haven’t seen you before, have I? I don’t think I have, I would have remembered that, because I remember everypony in Ponyville, and I mean EVERYPONY!” The babbling earth pony continued rambling about knowing everypony because she was friends with everypony and blah, blah, blah. Nightmare didn’t care, it was meaningless chatter to her superior mind.

“…And Then I said ‘Oatmeal, are you crazy?!’ And That’s how Equestria was made! I’ll tell you about how I got my cutie mark some other time, okay?” Pinkie Pie beamed at her with a wide, face-splitting grin as if waiting for her opinion on the matter.

“Yes, yes, that’s all very nice but-”

“OH MY GOSH!!! I still need to throw you a party right away! We’ll have cake, and cider, and-” Pinkie had burst through Nightmare’s sentence like a bull dozer through the fourth wall of a house, but Nightmare Moon wasn’t going to let such a slight against her go unopposed.

“SILENCE! Cease your racket this instant you… you… Just stop talking!” Nightmare shouted stamping her hooves impatiently. Pinkie Pie closed her mouth and fell silent, tilting her head. “Thank you, now I can finish what I started here. As you can see, I have consumed all the sweets in this confectionary.”

“Were they good? Did you enjoy them? Were they totally amazingly scrumptious in every conceivable way imaginable or otherwise? Huh? Huh? HuhHuhHuhHuhHuh???” Pinkie was bouncing excitedly up and down on the stairs seeking approval of her baked goods. Nightmare frowned, this situation called for drastic measures in the form of a very careful explanation.

“Listen to me very closely pink one, I have eaten ALL of the baked goods you have produced, and do you understand what that means?” Nightmare asked her in a level tone, as if she were teaching math to a foal.

“Uh-huh! It means you’re really fat now cause you ate a bunch of sweets!” Pinkie grinned enthusiastically, thinking she had the correct answer. The black mare face hoofed with a groan of aggravation.

“NO, it means you have no pastries left. And I’m not fat; it’s just all this infernal junk food that hasn’t gone away yet.” Nightmare turned away slightly to hide her rounded belly.

Pinkie Pie giggled and bounded up to her side, giving her a nuzzle. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I think it’s cute on you, makes you look healthy!” Nightmare Moon nearly choked in shock and blushed.

“C-cute?” Her voice cracked a little. “I mean, Cute? Nopony has called me cute before… I don’t like it, do not say that again.”

“Awwwwwwww, but you are cute!”

“Stop it! I am not cute! I am not cute!”

“Does somepony need a kiss?”

“D-don’t be absurd! I do not need any form of intimate contact from you! Or anypony for that matter!”

“I think you just need to be shown some love, maybe you really do need a nice sloppy, wet, lovey-dovey kiss from Auntie Pinkie, am I right?”

“…I’m at least a thousand years older than you, you realize this, correct?”

“A thousand? You don’t look a day older than I do! You really are super duper cute after all!”

Nightmare was feeling very uncomfortable now; something had to be done unless she wanted to be kissed by a pony who apparently did not understand the concept of personal space. She took a few steps away from Pinkie Pie and cleared her throat, concentrating on keeping her wings down.

“Understand what I am saying, I have eaten all of your sugary treats, and as such, you have none left to give to other ponies who would have bought them, and that means you cannot throw parties. No cakes, no parties, am I clear?” Nightmare slowly explained to the energetic party pony. Pinkie Pie seemed to visibly deflate as the cold truth of her words sunk in.

“No… No parties..?” Pinkie’s bottom lip trembled and Nightmare could not help but giggle at the look of despair in her eyes.

“No. Parties. Forever” Nightmare put extra emphasis on the last word, grinning wickedly as Pinkie Pie twitched and sniffled, all while her mane fell straighter and straighter. Nightmare Moon breathed deeply as she trotted to the door, her magic swinging it open for her. “Ah yes, I love the smell of despair and crushed dreams!”

Sweet Apple Acres

KnockKnockKnock!

“Ah’m a comin’! Hold yer apples, get outta the way Applebloom! Can’t ya hear somepony’s at the door?” Nightmare waited as a small silence passed. “Ah don’t care if yer trying to get a cutie mark for being a rug, Ah need to answer that dang door!” A rug? Did she hear that correctly? Nightmare was taken away from her thoughts of ponies being rugs by the disheveled face of an orange earth pony in a brown Stetson hat opening the door.

“Howdy! What can Ah do for ya?” Applejack asked, sounding more cheerful than she looked.

“Oh no real reason, just thought you might like to know you’re barn is on fire. And crushed by, oh I would say a three-hundred to four-hundred ton sea serpent with a moustache. I wasn’t sure if I should inform you of this oddity or not, but I decided that I should my part as a citizen of Equestria.” Nightmare smiled neighborly at the confused farm pony.

“The what’s on what and what by a what with a what?” Applejack asked, frowning at how ridiculous that sounded. “There’s no way the barn is… Is… BIG MACINTOSH! GET OUT HERE! OUR BARN’S ON FIRE AN’ BEIN’ CRUSHED BY A DANG SERPENT THINGY!” Slamming the door in Nightmare’s face, and the sounds of a filly yelping after being stepped on, frantic hooves on wood, ‘Eeeyup’s and the braking of glass jars could be heard. Nightmare looked back toward the barn where the silhouettes of a large stallion and smaller mare could be seen outlined against the flames that had consumed the nearby apple trees, illuminating the large fashion savvy sea serpent that was resting upon it.

Nightmare chuckled to herself as a frustrated voice rang out through the orchard.

“CONSARNIT! AH KNEW AH SHOULDA BOUGHT THAT BARN INSURANCE WHEN AH HAD THE CHANCE!”

Carousel Boutique

Nightmare Moon knocked on the ornate door of the dress shop impatiently again as she had done several times already. “Oh now this is ridiculous, I bet she’s ignoring me! Nopony can simply sleep through all of my kn- Oh, well that makes a tad more sense.” The alicorn face hoofed as she spied a small note stuck to the frame of the door. “How did I miss this piece of parchment? It sparkles!”

Hello Valued Customer!

I am not currently at home, so be a dear and do come back at a later date, hm?

Sincerely, Rarity, Owner of Carousel Boutique

“Well, I would say that was more of request more than an order, so I’ll just invite myself in.” The door unlocked itself and opened wide with a burst of magic from Nightmare’s horn. “Fancy, very elegant, very chic.” Nightmare said as she looked around the boutique. “Sickening.”

“Now let me see… What would drive this particular pony up the metaphorical wall most? Aha! I have a perfectly nasty idea!” Nightmare exclaimed with a sinister grin as she set about putting her devious plot into motion.

“A little bit of this goes here… Hmmm, I’m thinking we put that over there, throw this on the ceiling… Maybe… OH! Yes, this must go here just like this! And- Oh my, what do we have here? Rarity, you naughty pony!” Nightmare levitated a pack of photos out of drawer she had been rummaging through.

“I had no idea a pony from Ponyville would ever take such risqué photos! I’m sure she wouldn’t want anypony to see these, so I shall respect her privacy and replace them to their original spot.” Nightmare solemnly swore, starting to put the photos back to where they had come from.

Nightmare snickered and pulled the photos back out. “Yeah right, this is too good to let go! I have to send these to somepony. But who? Who would be the best choice?” Nightmare rubbed her chin thoughtfully for a few minutes before the perfect target came to mind. A certain dragon at the local library had a massive crush of the proprietor of the dress shop, if memory served her well.

“Let’s call it an early Hearth’s Warming gift.” Carefully wrapping the photos in cloth and placing them in a box, Nightmare artistically copied Rarity’s signature from an open design book and placed a tag with the white unicorn’s name and the library’s address on it, left it outside by the mailbox for pickup, and returned to her misdeeds.

“Who knew fashion could be this fun?” Nightmare exclaimed giddily.

One Hour Later

Rarity was trotting home, a large quantity of fabric and gems in tow, when she spotted a package by her mailbox. “How odd, I don’t remember sending anything to the library… But that is my graceful signature… Perhaps I’ve been working myself too hard to make the deadline for Fancy Pants again.” Rarity nodded, her explanation satisfactory to her own mind.

She magicked the door open and set her supplies down on a nearby table. “I’m so glad I decided to go to that midnight sale in Canterlot, I found the most exquisite- Hold on, something’s… Something is not quite right. Almost right, but just a smidgen off…” Rarity gasped in horror.

“My boutique! It’s… It’s NEARLY PERFECT!” Rarity frantically rushed around her shop, taking in the fashion crimes all over the room. “No! The diamonds go in that drawer! Those ribbons should be one shelf higher! This is terrible! My silks are no longer in order of thread count! They’re spectrum sorted! Why me? Why my precious boutique? Why the near perfection of it all?” Rarity screamed in terror and angst, falling back on a sofa in a dramatic pose.

“This is the worst! Possible! Thing!”

Nightmare snorted from her hiding place in the bush across the street from the Carousel Boutique.

“What a drama pony.”

Special Bonus Content I Saved Until The End Since Apparently That Made Ponies Happier, Author Notes, And Thank You Notes To Ponies Who I felt Deserved Recognition

Dash’s Dashed Dreams

Nightmare Moon silently landed on the cloud doorstep of Rainbow Dash’s cloud home and was about to knock on the door before she realized something important. “Almost forgot my disguise! This should do nicely, I believe.” Nightmare concentrated and a flash of dark purple light faded to reveal a well known fiery orange pegasus, the captain of an equally well-known flight team.

The faux pegasus knocked on the door, and almost jumped back off the cloud when a loud crash rang through the air.

“Go away! I’m trying to catch come Z’s!” A tired and angry voice yelled at her. Nightmare frowned, that wasn’t going to do at ll.

“Rainbow Dash! It is I- I mean… Yo Dashie! It’s me, er, Spitfire! Yeah, that’s my name Spitfire! Which is me, because I am a normal pony.” ‘Spitfire’ replied, nodding to herself at her quick thinking.

The flew open 10 seconds later and an excited cyan pegasus practically tackled her out off the cloud.

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!! I can’t believe it’s really you!” Rainbow Dash squealed and hugged ‘Spitfire’ tightly. “Whoa, does this mean I’m gonna be a Wonderbolt?” Her eyes bulged with eagerness. “Awesome! I’m gonna be a Wonderbolt! This is totally awesome! Like 20% cooler than anything the history of cool and awesome smashed together!”

“Actually-” ‘Spitfire’ tried to explain, but was cut off by another bout of excited rambling from the biggest Wonderbolt fan in history.

“I can’t wait to show you my newest tricks! They’re so awesome!” Dash squealed and hugged ‘Spitfire’ even tighter.

“Calm down you nut job, I’m here to tell you that you didn’t get in. You’re not going to be a Wonderbolt.” ‘Spitfire’ said as she pried the fan pony off her waist.

Rainbow Dash looked confused. “Wh-what do you mean I didn’t make it?”

‘Spitfire’ smirked; this was what she had been waiting for. “You didn’t make it, in fact, you’re so much of a failure at flying, and I’m going to permanently ban you from ever joining the Wonderbolts. You will never be a Wonderbolt. See ya!” And with that ‘Spitfire’ dived backwards off the cloud and soared off into the night.

“B-banned? F-failure? N-never be a Wonderbolt?” Rainbow Dash’s lip quivered and tears threatened to spring out. And they did, much like the rainbow falls on her cloud home, tears gushed from Rainbow Dash as she despaired at the thought of never being able to fly with the Wonderbolts.

“My life… just got 20% less cool…” She sniffled and dragged herself back inside to wallow in self-pity.

A Librarian’s Worst Fear

Nightmare Moon plucked a book from a shelf and flipped through, occasionally bending a page to dog-ear it or smear the ink on the pages. “This book is shockingly boring, just like the rest of this town.” She sighed, placing it on a shelf below its rightful place.

“This stupid library is so boring; I can barely lay waste to it! That’s how boring this is!” Nightmare growled and kicked a shelf, causing some of the books to fall down, creating quite a bit of noise.

“Twilight? Is that you?” A small purple and green dragon yawned from the staircase. He rubbed at his eyes and stared at the alicorn who was standing stock-still. “You know I can see you right? Standing still only works on dinosaurs, not dragons. We’re wayyyyyyyy smarter than that.”

Nightmare blinked and nodded, a sly smile playing across her face. “Oh yes! Dragons are by far the most intelligent of creatures, and I can tell just with a glance that you are a very wise dragon! And handsome, very handsome indeed.” Spike preened and grinned at her.

“Yeah, I am pretty good looking and smart, aren’t I? So what can I do for a beautiful mare like yourself?” Spike winked at her coyly and Nightmare Moon had to resist the urge to vomit in her mouth.

“I… Er… Twilight Sparkle asked me to inform you that she wants all of the books arranged by color, something about deciding to judge books by their covers or something. She said you were the only one she trusted with such an important task and that it be done immediately.”

Spike scratched his head hesitantly. “By color? Well… If Twilight says it’s okay…” He still seemed a bit unsure about the idea of color-coded arrangement.

There wasn’t time to waste waiting for this dimwitted dragon to make up his mind, this called for drastic measures.

“I believe a certain somepony told me she’d send you a special thank you gift if you did this for Twilight; she thought you’d be a sweet dragon for doing it. What was her name? I’m sure you know who that somepony is, right?” Nightmare actually had no idea if the little dragon had his eyes on anypony or not, so this was a wild guess really.

“Was it Rarity? Did Rarity say that? Oh boy, a gift from *sigh* Rarity” Spike had a starry look in his eyes. Nightmare raises an eyebrow, wasn’t that the prissy pony who owned a dress shop here?

“Yes, I believe it was Rarity who promised a special surprise for you if you could manage this little task.”

Spike jumped on the stairs and immediately began grabbing books off the shelves by the armload. “You tell Rarity I’ll have these books color-coded in no time!”

Nightmare chuckled, this was too easy, could she do more? Oh yes, there was always more to be done. “And upside down, the books need to be upside down as well, or else it just won’t be right.”

“Yes ma’am!” Spike saluted her quickly and went back to rearranging the books in the library.

Nightmare left the library shaking her head in amusement. “Schmuck.”

Moon Marenight, Traveling Salespony Nonpareil

After fixing a pair of groucho glasses onto her muzzle, Nightmare Moon rapped her hoof against the door of the Apple Family home. An orange earth pony opened the door and looked her strangely.

“Uh… Can Ah help ya sir? I mean ma’am. The hair on yer lip threw me off, that some kind of disorder or something’?” Applejack asked, tilting her head as if that would make the moustache on her face go away.

“I’m from… Stalliongrad? Pushing that aside, I am… um… Moon Marenight, insurance Salespony from Stalliongrad. Is your barn insured again simultaneously being on fire and crushed by moustache wearing sea-serpent?”

“Yer kidding, right? That don’t make no sense no how! Why would Ah insure the barn for something’ as loony as that?” Applejack was about to close the door when it was forced open again by Moon.

“Now hold on young filly, if your barn is indeed besieged by flames and serpents, you will be reimbursed a whopping one-million bits! The only catch is that the serpent must be of the ‘Sea’ variety, have a moustache, and weigh anywhere between three-hundred and four-hundred tons.” Moon Marenight levitated a contract in front of Applejack who frowned.

“Ah bet this is one of Dash and Pinkie’s pranks ain’t it? Well you tell those two to go buck themselves! I ain’t havin’ none of that foolin’ around this late at night.” Applejack slammed the door rather violently in Moon’s face.

Sighing and tossing away her disguise, Nightmare Moon shrugged her shoulders. “Nopony can say I didn’t try and help her, even if it’s my fault that her barn’s going to be crushed and set a blaze.”

Author’s Notes And Thank You Notes

Eeeyup, definitely enjoying a more comedic spin on this story, it’s easier to write for me. And I do love hilariousness at the expense of others. Actually, not a whole lot of noting from this author tonight, aside from a title explanation. In case it confused anypony, ‘Six Hooves Under’ was in no way an indication of someone dying; it was just a little bit of a joke. You know, ‘Six Feet Under’ but since ponies have hooves, it was ‘Six HOOVES Under’ and the fact that I was focused more on the Mane Six in this chapter, what better way to make a joke of it that that?

Thank you to all of my loyal fans who are enjoying the exploits of Nightmare Moon, it really means a lot to me that you all are so dedicated to me and this story. In addition, my other stories, because I know you love me enough to read them, right? Right? Please?

Moreover, a very special thanks to one pony in particular, my friend Hans. Some of you may remember me calling him stupid for saying I was too violent in the first chapter. Turns out, he was right; it was more fun to add comedy, not gore, to this story. I have apologized, do not worry.

Anyways, I want to thank Hans for suggesting slightly messing up Rarity’s things, as Rarity was giving me the most trouble to mess with in this chapter.

The photos bit was my idea though, so nopony needs to tell Hans good job for anything other that messing up the boutique.

The Nightmare Is Over - Time To Wake Up Luna

Ponyville Hospital

Nightmare Moon stood outside the entrance to the hospital, her thoughts teeming with the possibilities a building full of helpless ponies unable to escape from potential dangers. Oh yes, this was going to be like taking candy from a foal indeed. Nightmare felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to come face to face with a wall-eyed pegasus with a gray coat hanging upside down in the air.

“Excuse me, but have you seen my-”

“WHAT THE DEVIL IS THIS CROSS-EYED CREATURE?!” Nightmare screamed in horror and whipped around to deliver a monstrous buck to the poor mail pony in question.

“-MUFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!” Derpy Hooves shouted as she sailed into the sky for the second time that night. Nightmare Moon gasped for air and leaned against the hospital for support.

“It… was the most terrifying beast I have ever seen… But it can’t… Can’t hurt me now…” Nightmare reassured herself and after taking a few more calming breathes, entered the hospital.

Nightmare wandered down the halls, looking for a certain wing of the hospital, the maternity wing. She growled to herself, feeling lost in the maze of hallways. As much as it pained her to admit it, she needed to ask for directions. Again.

“I just hope I don’t get some loony like at Hooves Across Equestria, that moron nearly gave me brain cancer just listening to him.” She peered up and the halls, looking for any sign of an official to help her find her target.

“Ma’am? It seems that you are quite lost, in my expertly medical opinion; may I help you find something? ” A pony in a white coat with a red cross on her flank asked cheerfully. Nightmare Moon regarded her carefully, debating whether she should buck her into the ceiling or not for sounding so cheerful in her presence.

“Yes… I need to find the Maternity Ward, specifically where the foals are delivered, direct me at once to it.” Nightmare commanded, deciding that instead of bucking her, she would use the mare’s knowledge quickly so as not to give her a chance to show her more annoying side, which the midnight marauder knew surely existed.

“It’s down the hall and to the left, but you can’t go in there with out a pass, like this.” Nurse Redheart said, revealing a laminated card with her face and name on it.

“A pass? Very well, I shall take yours then, hand it over.” The alicorn towered over the medical mare with her hoof held out.

Nurse Redheart chuckled lightly and gently placed a hoof on Nightmare’s shoulder and began leading her down the hall in the opposite direction of the Maternity Ward. Nightmare Moon tried to pull away, but the mare leading her down the hall had a surprisingly strong grip.

“I see what happened; you must have come from the fifth floor, right? You know you aren’t allowed out of your nice comfy room with out an escort, you could get hurt or lost dear!” Nurse Redheart cooed in a term reserved for infants and those that society often labeled as ’insane’ and Nightmare snorted in rage as this realization dawned on her. She shoved the nurse away violently and snarled with blazing fury in her eyes.

“I am neither an infantile foal nor a mentally deficient pony and I will not be spoken to in such an insulting manner as that! AM I CLEAR!?” The furious lunar princess bellowed as she threw the nurse headfirst into cart marked ‘R.D. Restraints, Maximum Security’ She briskly trotted over to the unconscious mare and rifled through her pockets, plucking the small plastic I.D. card out with her magic.

“It could have been avoided, but nooooooo, you just had to keep your silly piece of plastic like a selfish filly and disrespect your superior.” NIghtmare sneered, pulled a spare white coat onto herself and walked off in the direction Nurse Redheart had previously pointed out. “I bet she isn’t even qualified to be a nurse.”

A Few Minutes Later, Ponyville Hospital, Maternity Ward

Nightmare Moon trotted up to a pair of earth ponies standing outside the door to the hospital’s maternity ward. One of the ponies, an ash colored stallion with a lock as his cutie mark, looked at her with a stern gaze, the other one looked as if he were sleeping, or he might have been dead, it was rather hard to tell.

“Excuse me; I’m Lockdown, chief of security. The area beyond this point is a restricted area, therefore, it is protocol to show your employee identification badge before entering. Do you have an employee identification badge allowing you to pass this check station?” He asked in a very military fashion, and she handed him the I.D. badge she had borrowed from Nurse Redheart. He took the badge and inspected it closely, his eyes traveling from the badge to the alicorn in front of him for several long moments.

“Ma’am, there are a few discrepancies with your identification badge, are you sure this is you?” He questioned, fixing his gaze on her with a suspicious expression.

“Absolutely, I am Nurse Redheart, and I must get into the Maternity Ward.” Nightmare huffed impatiently and stepped forward only to be blocked by the guard.

“Now wait just a minute ma’am.”

A Few Moments Later

“And remember what I said Mr. Lockdown, all it will take is one letter, and you will be out of here faster than you can blink.” Nightmare called back over her shoulder to Lockdown, who was looking shaken and responded with a nod.

Nightmare peeked her head inside the first room she came to and a haggard, breathless mare looked at her pleadingly.

“P-please! M-my water just broke, and I need a nurse or doctor or somepony!”

Nightmare Moon considered her plight for a second and trotted into the room to her bed after deciding it was what she had come to do anyways, and this saved time.

“Very well, I’ll have that thing out of you in ten seconds flat or my name isn’t Nurse Redheart!” She said in a chipper tone, a pair of rubber gloves snapping into place on her hooves. She kneeled down and took a thoughtful look between the mare’s legs. “Let’s have ourselves a little look see here, shall we Miss…” A quick glance at the clipboard on the end of the bed listed her basic information. “Miss Rainy Days? Oh look at that, you‘re Chineighse, how delightful, I simply adore your Chow Mane!” She turned her focus back to the problem at hoof and mused to herself.

“Hmmmm… Now how was I supposed to get this thing out again?” She peered up at the mare she was supposed to delivering a foal for with a questioning look in her eyes. “Do you come with an instruction manual or something? Because this looks like an older model, and I’m afraid I’m not entirely sure how a rust bucket like this works, know what I mean?”

The pregnant pegasus looked incredulous and sputtered indignantly. “Wh-what?! M-my body is not a rust bucket! How in Equestria could you say such a- EEP!!!” Rainy Days screamed out in shock when the faux nurse reached a gloved hoof into her womb and fished around.

“Hold on, I think I got it… Nope, not it… Almost… Dang, I dropped it!” Nightmare huffed as if she were a foal losing at a game. She reached back in, determination in her eyes as Rainy writhed and squeaked, the rather unprofessional delivery not sitting well with her.

“H-hey! Eep! St-st-stop!” Rainy protested, squirming more as the delivery dragged out. Nightmare suddenly pulled back her hoof and held a bedraggled looking pegasus foal in the air looking triumphant.

“Huzzah! How many points do I receive?” The giddy alicorn asked excitedly and the mother of the foal she was holding like a prized fishing catch was flabbergasted.

“Points? What the bloody blazes do you mean points!?” Rainy shrieked and Nightmare frowned in mock bewilderment.

“What do you mean what do I mean? I never said anything about points; motherhood must be addling your brain Miss Days. Moving on, your foal is a beautiful baby girl, perfectly healthy and in more or less mint condition.” Nightmare said and Rainy Days held her hooves out to take her newborn baby from her would-be nurse.

“It’s okay Miss Days; I know all about Chineighse culture, I know how to handle this. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” The midnight mare nodded solemnly and looked around the room. “No buckets of water… I see… Well I’ll just put it back till somepony gets here with a bucket of water, okay?”

Rainy blinked, that didn’t make sense, what does a bucket of water have to do with foals? “Excuse me, did you say bucket of water? And put what back where?” Nightmare clicked her tongue disapprovingly and shook her head.

“Honestly, what pony doesn’t know their own culture’s traditions? So sad… Back you go little one, the water will be here soon, so behave, okay?” She said and smiled at the gurgling foal and pushed the foal back into her mother’s womb. Or at least she tried to that is, it was not as easy as it looked.

“Oh stop being a pain and go back in! This is not funny, I have many things to do and you are delaying my plans with your insistent resistance!” Nightmare glared at the foal and turned it around, trying put the pegasus back in rear hooves first. She glanced up at Rainy Days who had a look of pure horror plastered on her face. “You can relax Miss Days, I, Nurse Redheart, am a licensed Emergency Medical Pony and am trained for situations like this.”

Rainy Days sputtered and tried to protest, the horrified look growing each second. “Y-you… You c-can’t… Th-this is very wrong!”

“Yes, yes, I know, this is really turning out to be a ‘Square Peg, Round Hole’ situation, but there is no need to fear because I know I can do this. I am a champion at Trot-tris, and this is no… problem!” She crowed the last word as she finally succeeded in jamming the poor foal back into her mother.

Rainy Days gasped in terror and shock, her eyes wide and trembling. “Y-you… M-my baby… I… I…” What ever Rainy was about to say, Nightmare never found out because the frightened mare had hyperventilated herself unconscious and was twitching slightly on the bed. Nightmare stood up and nodded approvingly at her hoof work.

“Another job well done, on to… Er… Well this is embarrassing, I can’t seem to remember what else I came here to do.” Nightmare blushed as she exited the room and trotted down the hall to exit the Maternity Ward.

“Ah, yes! The crippled ponies, delightfully fun to play with!”

Ponyville Hospital, Disabled Ponies Wing

Nightmare Moon looked around the room she had stepped into with barely contained glee, there were ponies on crutches, ponies in wheelchairs, ponies who were mute, deaf, blind, and others with many more ailments and handicaps. It was a veritable paradise for the mischievously malevolent mare, and she was practically dancing around the room with excitement, twisted tricks and predatory pranks churning in her mind.

She trotted over to a pony in a wheel chair who looked rather dejected and stood in front of him. The stallion sighed and looked up to see who was here to bother him now.

“Yes? I really don’t want… to be… bothered…” The wheelchair stricken pony gaped at the alicorn in front of him; this nurse was a far cry from the usual humdrum mares that came to pester him. This nurse was very tall, very imposing, and very… Did he mention she was very tall? “Uh… Hi?”

“Hello my little pony, what’s your name? You seem so sad and lonely, I thought I’d come to cheer you up.” Nightmare said as she smiled so sweetly, it could have given the diabetic mare across the room enough of a shock to send her into a coma.

The stallion gulped nervously and stuttered before he could actually get his name out. “W-w-w-w-w-wind Chaser… Th-the doc says my legs are useless for the next few months, can‘t feel anything from the waist down, nothing works… So I can’t be in the Running of the Leaves… Some crazy mares ran me over during the last race, and I’ve been here since then waiting for my legs to heal up so I could run again…”

The imposter nurse had to choke back her laughter as the paraplegic pony told her his plight, and she nearly lost it when she looked into his eyes and saw the soul crushing despair that the memory of the race had brought him. After reining her composure in again, she gave him her best sympathetic look and whispered quietly in his ear.

“You poor dear, let Nurse Redheart take care of you, I’ll make sure you feel better, okay?” She wheeled him into an empty supply closet and closed the door behind her. Chaser laughed slightly and looked at her apprehensively.

“Wh-what’s going on? I’m feeling very uncomfortable!” His voice cracked slightly as Nightmare turned slowly, shedding the white coat and sashaying towards to seated stallion. She turned once more and Wind Chaser was greeted with a front row seat, so to speak, of the alicorn’s, for lack of better term, assets.

“Now you just sit back and let Nurse Redheart take care of you, okay my little pony?” And with that, the mare with an obvious lack of understanding of the professionalism that is typically held between nurses and patients began a slow dance, gyrating her hips in what she thought to be the best way to seduce any stallion. She imagined a steady bass driven music track to help her really get into her act and was forced to admit she was enjoying herself a little, the dancing part. Not the whole ‘Doing this for a stallion’ bit, neigh, this mare was more inclined to play for the home team, not the visitors. Most assuredly, it was definitely the dancing she loved, how did she not know about this joyful art form beforehoof?

“Um, excuse m-me miss, b-but what are you doing?” Wind Chaser asked, hesitantly poking her back with one hoof. Nightmare huffed feeling greatly irritated and spun around to face Chaser. Just when she was really enjoying her newfound love for dancing, even if it was in a provocative manner, how very rude of him.

“Yes? Why did you stop me in the midst of ‘Dancing of The Lap’? Answer me or suffer my rhythmic wrath!” She growled and glared at the stallion, who recoiled slightly, and then looked a little sheepish.

“W-well, I appreciate the thought and all, but it’s not doing anything for me Miss Redheart.”

Nightmare inwardly crowed with triumph and pretended to look deeply offended. “You do not like my dancing? Humph! I bet it’s because you can’t get your little fellow up, ungrateful little-”

“It’s not that I can’t… you know…” He flushed red and looked down at his hooves for moment before returning his gaze to the alicorn. “It’s just… I’m gay.”

Nightmare looked as if he had told her she was a small purple and green dragon. “Crippled pony say what now?”

Chaser scratched the back of his head uncomfortably and smiled apologetically. “I mean, you dance really well, but, like I said, I’m more interested in stallions than mares. I’m sorry Miss Redheart, but the thought was nice anyways.”

Nightmare Moon sighed. “Well this plan backfired, I was planning on making fun of you because I thought you couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, but it turns out I picked the one crippled stallion stuffer out of the whole accursed lot!” She turned away from him and dragged a hoof down her face in exasperation. “This just makes my day. Er, night, some period of time, whatever! Well, I bid you farewell then Wind Chaser; I hope you get hit by another pair of mares in the next race.”

Nightmare trotted out of the closet and slammed the door shut behind her. Chaser blinked and looked at the door.

“Miss Redheart? Hello? You forgot me… I’m still… in the… closet…” He sighed and rolled his chair up to the door, but could not reach the handle to open it.

“I should’ve stayed in bed this morning….”

Later, Everfree Forest

“I’m telling you Flim, this idea is gold! Pure, 100%, satisfactory guaranteed, gold!” A tall vaudeville looking unicorn exclaimed dramatically to a unicorn who looked almost exactly like him save for the lack of a slick mustache.

“Indeed, but I think we need to expand the market a great deal more Flam, we could make a killing selling water in containers to everypony, including the sea ponies!” Flim replied looking at Flam with delight shining is his eyes. The prospect of easy money was something both brothers enjoyed immensely. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you’ll pardon the clichéd remark.”

Flam nodded and looked back to their meager campfire, and poked at it with a stick held aloft in his magic’s grip. They were falling on hard times, and a get-rich-quick scheme was a desperately needed necessity for the pair of sales ponies. All they had to their name were their clothes, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezey 6000, and around two hundred bits that they needed to convert their cider press into the Flim Flam Brother’s Resplendently Rapid Water Bottler 9000.

“If only we had another hundred bits, then we could make it over 9000...” Flam sighed wistfully.

A tap on the shoulder broke the con artist, er, salespony from his thoughts of machines with listings that exceeded a previously determined number. Flam turned his head to come face to face with a widely, it was almost intimidating in fact due to the very sharp fangs adorning it, grin attached to an alicorn of equally intimidating appearance. The unicorn edged away from her slowly as if the small distance he was putting between them could actually prevent any harm from befalling him.

Nightmare Moon chuckled wryly and sat beside him. “Afraid of a little mare such as myself are we? Come now, I mean you no harm; in fact I am here to do quite the opposite! I’m here to offer something unique and superb, unseen at anytime in this great new world!”

Flam frowned slightly, was it his imagination, or did that sound vaguely familiar?

“Sir, they’re the one and only, the biggest and the best! The unbelievable, unimpeachable, indispensable, I-can’t-believable!”

Ok, now that was definitely familiar, but where had he heard such a riveting, compelling, and enticing sale pitch before?

“And for a limited time only, you, my very handsome friend, can have this life changing product for the low, low, low, low price of 500 bits! Did I mention how low the price was? And that the time for this incredible offer was limited?” Nightmare exclaimed, her eyes growing more and more excited with every word. Flam was astounded! Such a low price for a limited time to pay for-

“Hold on a second young filly, what are you selling? You’re asking me to pay 500 bits for something I haven’t seen and know positively nothing about!” Flam pointed out, and Nightmare reeled back in surprise.

Come on Nightmare, you can do this, just think of something! She scooped a hoof across the ground behind her back and came back with three rather shoddy looking beans. “These, my obviously very intelligent customer, are magic beans!” She waved them back and forth in front of the salespony who merely looked at her like she a wall-eyed pegasus ranting about something ridiculous like muffins.

“Magic beans. You can’t be serious, I’m a unicorn, ergo, I can do magic on my own. What use would I have for magic beans?” Flam asked, becoming less and less interested in the beans. Nightmare thought for a second, and with a stroke of either brilliance or desperation, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“It grows bits!” The princess of the moon exclaimed waving her hooves wildly to make her point more believable. Flam’s jaw dropped an inch, now there was something he could get into, free money.

“It grows bits? Then why on Celestia’s green Equestria would you ever want to sell them?”

“It’s against my religion to have magic beans?”

“Well that’s a certainly reasonable answer, but I’m afraid I just don’t have 500 bits, just 200, this cider press, and my clothes.” Flam sighed remorsefully, cursing his financial misfortunes.

Nightmare put on a thoughtful pose, and hummed dramatically, as if deep in contemplation about the situation.

“Well… Perhaps we could make a trade… I mean, of course I’d give you an extra discount since you seem to be an outstandingly upstanding stallion.” Nightmare said after a few moments of ‘thinking’ and that was the hook that landed her the gullible catch of the night. An extra discount on top of a limited time only low price? And all he had to do was some minor trading? Flam was in paradise.

“I’ll trade you my cider press for your beans!” Flam offered eagerly, but Nightmare Moon shook her head slowly.

“I’m not sure about that, this are very rare beans…”

“I’ll throw in my bits and clothes, no charge!”

Nightmare pretended to shift uncomfortably in her spot. “Oh alright, you drive a hard bargain, but I suppose that I can accept your terms.” She shook his hoof to seal the deal and after gathering up her spoils, trotted off with the mobile cider press, a set of vaudevillian clothes, and 200 bits. “You have a pleasant night!”

Flam grinned proudly, he had magic bit-producing beans, and that foalish mare had nothing but a few mere possessions of his and a paltry amount of bits compared to what he and his brother would soon be swimming in.

“Flim will be so proud of me when he comes back!”

The Streets Of Ponyville

The tyrant of the night strolled leisurely down the deserted streets of the quiet town. So far, the night had been very successful, and the only thing that could make it better at this moment, aside from the continued torture of innocent ponies was finding something small and adorable, like a kitten or a cat perhaps, and enacting insidiously evil punishments upon its adorable being.

About the same time, Opalescence had decided that tonight she would escape the confining, and might she add dreadfully tacky, clutches of her keeper, Rarity. She could not take the incessant moaning and wailing that arose from the white unicorn after discovering things had been slightly rearranged in her boutique. Honestly, how you can you call yourself sophisticated if you act like a foal every time something is nudged out of place? You did not see her acting so embarrassingly if her milk dish was a millimeter to the left, no, she preferred to leave her worrying for important matters. Such as whether or not mice went to cat heaven for the enjoyment of cats, or were spared from eternal evisceration by means of the natural feline fashion, killer claws and fierce fangs.

Deep in philosophical thought about the after-life of mice, Opalescence paid no attention to where she was walking and bumped smack dab into the leg of one pony she would soon find out was not somepony she wanted to run into. Ever.

Nightmare Moon looked down to see what had so foalishly made a feeble attempt at attacking her mighty limbs.

“It’s a cat! Or at least, I think it’s a cat… I thought all cats were adorable, but this… This is not… Well the important thing is that it‘s a cat.” Nightmare said, looking at the cat at her hooves with confusion. Opalescence glared at the alicorn as witheringly as she could possibly get.

Her? Anything less than adorable? The very idea was ludicrous and Opalescence was prepared to make her extreme displeasure known to this obviously tasteless pony. Oh yes, this mare would receive a punishment most-

“TO THE TREE!!!” Nightmare shouted as she punted the cat across the street landing it with precision in the top branches of a sparsely leafed tree. She approached the base of the tree with a satisfied smirk and grinned darkly at the feline above her. “You know, this tree looks a little barren, and you my little friend, look so very parched. I am very certain that both of your problems can be solved at the same time.”

Nightmare Moon flicked her horn and a small army of shapeless puffs of starry smoke materialized, each with its own supply of very swollen water balloons. Nightmare took a deep breath and looked at the cat with determination and a hint of glee.

“Throw… The… BALLOONS!!!” She commanded her troops, each of which immediately hurled as many balloons as they could wrap their wispy tendrils around at Opalescence. The cornered cat screeched shrilly and swiped at her attackers in vain as the deluge of watery weapons rained upon her.

Nightmare Moon cackled and trotted off, leaving the helpless Opalescence to her doom. “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Ponyville Town Square

A crowd of ponies was gathered at the town’s center, and a frazzled looking tan earth pony was desperately trying to calm down the frenzied mass of ponies. Cries of outrage, despair, and general rabble filled the air and Mayor Mare could hardly hear herself.

‘Excuse, but can- Ahem, everypony, I need- Will you please SHUT THE HAY UP?!” The town’s mayor shouted as loudly as possible and the crowd grumbled slightly in unison before settling down. Mayor Mare nodded gratefully and cleared her throat before speaking again. “Now I know you all have many complaints about the recent string of assaults, burglary, larceny, arson, humiliation, and so on and so forth, but there isn’t anything I can do. I’m only an elected official!” Mayor Mare looked to the crowd desperately, her nerves were fraying and she needed help badly.

“Mayor, I know who is behind these heinous crimes, the monster that calls herself Nightmare Moon!” Twilight Sparkle said, limping up to the podium, helped along by Applejack and Rainbow Dash, and closely followed by Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.

Mayor Mare sighed in relief; this is just what she needed to solve this fiasco. “Oh thank Celestia! The Elements of Harmony have arrived everypony, we’re saved!” Twilight stood in front of the microphone the town’s mayor had been using to address the crowd.

“Citizens of Ponyville! My name is Twilight Sparkle, and my friends are here to rid you of the menace Nightmare Moon! She will be executed as soon as possible in a way that accurately matches the severity of her crimes!” Twilight exclaimed to the crowd, earning her cheers from all attending. Princess Celestia, who had been attending the meeting at the mayor’s request stood up with a look of horror on her face.

“My most faithful student! What has gotten into you? That is no way to solve our problems, I thought I taught you better than that, I thought friendship had taught you better!” Celestia gave her student an incredulous look and Twilight frowned slightly.

“I’m sorry, you’re right Princess Celestia, and what do you propose we do about this problem?”

“Did you even consider using the Elements of Harmony to perhaps change her back into a good pony?”

“…Will it hurt her?”

The white alicorn put a hoof to her chin in contemplation. “Well… It produces concentrated light in the form of an explosively prismatic beam, so I would assume that it would be the equivalent of firing a laser made of color at her. Yes, I believe it would cause pain, but nothing fatal. I‘m so glad you‘re concerned for her well being.”

“New plan everypony! WE’RE TAZERING HER WITH A RAINBOW LAZER!!!” Twilight shouted enthusiastically to the crowd, whipping them once more into a frenzy. Celestia raised a hoof to protest this course of action.

“That isn’t what I meant! Twilight Sparkle!” However, the princess was a tad too late, for Twilight Sparkle had jumped onto Rainbow Dash’s back, and after much arguing and promises of Wonderbolts tickets, and flew off into the night in pursuit of Nightmare Moon, closely followed by the rest of the Elements.

Outskirts Of Ponyville

“Hmmmm, I wonder who I should share the gift of evil with next?” Nightmare Moon sighed dramatically. “So much evil, so many ponies, and just one Nightmare to do it all.”

“STOP RIGHT THERE YOU BOOK BATTERING BEAST!” A voice shouted venomously from behind her, and she turned around to see Twilight Sparkle and her little group of friends.

“Hold on a second, are they actually you’re friends? Because with that tone I cannot imagine anypony would want to be friends with you. Not to mention you’re a humdrum librarian who thinks reading is actually fun.” Nightmare said, and Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to speak in her friend’s defense.

“HEY! Twilight may be a total egghead and a bookworm and a nerd, and have a weird obsession with dusty old books, and act like a total geek sometimes-”

Twilight put a hoof over the cyan pegasus’s mouth and the librarian’s eyebrow could be seen twitching if you were watching her closely. “Thank you for those kind words Rainbow Dash, but we’re here to fry ponies with rainbows and eat apples. Too bad we just ran out of apples.” Twilight glared at the midnight marauder in front of her with fury in her eyes.

“Ah got some apples in mah saddle bag if ya want’em Twi’ all ya had to do was ask for’em.” Applejack said, digging into her bag to pull out a shiny red apple. Twilight face hoofed and groaned.

“It wasn’t a literal thing Applejack; I read it in a book that you’re supposed to say things like that in situations such as this.”

“Now hold on a second dear, I thought we were going to use a rainbow to electrocute the evil out of her, but you just said it’s not a literal thing, so are we going to or not?” Rarity asked with a slightly confused frown on her face.

The librarian turned to the white unicorn and looked at her in exasperation. “No we ARE going to scramble her brains with the Elements of Harmony; the eating apples thing was the part that wasn’t literal.”

“A-actually… I would to have an apple… If it’s okay that is…” Fluttershy whispered, hesitantly putting her hoof in the air.

“Put your hoof down! It’s not okay Fluttershy; we have to stop Nightmare Moon before she does anything else to the library!”

“I’m sure Black Snooty didn’t mean it Twilight, and how can you be mad at somepony so adorable, huh?”

“In my defense, I actually did nothing to your library; I simply bribed that dragon of yours to do it for me. And for the last time, I am not cute you babbling fool!”

Twilight dragged her hoof down her face again as the ponies surrounding her continued their ramblings and the villain she was trying to stop just kept offering her opinions in that irritatingly innocent tone.

“BE QUIET! Celestia herself couldn’t love and tolerate you ponies and your crazy chattering! We are trying to stop the forces of evil here, remember?” She glared at her friends who all looked at the ground sheepishly. “Thank you, now, Nightmare Moon! You have been found guilty of the most terrible of transgressions, wrongful and willing assault on the proper order that libraries everywhere hold sacred! Oh, and I guess you’re in trouble for assaulting other ponies too, apparently that’s almost as bad as tampering with the library filing system.”

Nightmare snorted in defiance, these pitiful looking ponies thought they were a match for her might? “You can’t be serious. I am the Almighty Nightmare Moon and there is nothing a group of simpering!” She pointed at Fluttershy. “Bone-headed!” Her hoof pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Backwoods!” Applejack found herself receiving the point this time. “Prissy!” The hoof directed itself to Rarity’s direction. “Bubble brained!” Pinkie got the Hoof of Pointing for that one. Nightmare turned her glaring gaze to Twilight. “Weaklings like you and your band of misfits can do to even put a dent in my plans, do you understand me? I am Nightmare Mare Moon! I am unstoppable and you foals shall feel my-!” We’re just going to hope whatever the thing the ranting villain would have made them feel was not anything little fillies and colts should not hear, because we won’t know as she had been cut off by the most bizarre battle cry in the history of Equestria.

“Super Special Awesome Mega Super Cool Not Frilly Frou Frou At All Magical Rainbow Blasting Harmony Blast!” Twilight yelled, her eyes glowing with the limitless power of the Elements of Harmony.

A blindingly bright beam of color shot forth and rammed into Nightmare Moon like a herd of wild buffalo. She screamed and writhed on the ground, the rainbow causing more damage than she had anticipated.

“THE PAIN! THE PRISMATIC PAIN! OH BUCK ME, HOW CAN A RAINBOW HURT SO MUCH?!” After a few seconds, the air was filled with an electric smell, as if lightning had struck the alicorn, not a rainbow of death.

Nightmare Moon, now Princess Luna stood shakily on her legs. “Th-thank you Twilight Sparkle, thou hast saved our life, how can we-”

“I think she’s faking it, one more time?” Twilight asked her friends, all of whom nodded, it was possible it was just a trick after all, and Twilight was never wrong. She read books after all.

“We are most certainly not faking anything, we are-”

“Super Special Awesome Mega Super Cool Not Frilly Frou Frou At All Magical Rainbow Blasting Harmony Blast! Second Volley!” And the princess of the moon was again assaulted by a surprisingly harmful blast of rainbow.

“WHY?! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE SUCH COLORFUL CRUELTY?!” Again, the air was filled with the same electric smell from before, only it had a slightly charred smell as well, as if somepony had put their hoof in a fire for a few seconds.

“Now that was exceedingly ludicrous! Thou hast completed thy task, now cease thy needless assault!”

“She’s talking crazy, she must be hexing us! Fire the SSAMSCNFFFAAMRBHB again!” Pinkie Pie shouted, and Twilight steeled herself to attack their fiendish foe with the Elements of Harmony again.

“Super Special Awesome Mega Super Cool Not Frilly Frou Frou At All Magical Rainbow Blasting Harmony Blast! TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERBUCKER!” This time, Rainbow Dash shouted the name of the rainbow blast, adding her own flair to it in the form of coarse language.

“OH BIG SISTER, MAKE THE TECHINCOLORED TORTURE STOP!!!” This time after the assault finished, the air smelled like barbecue. Princess Luna looked very shaken, and a little like a piece of charcoal.

“Th-thou… I mean you have saved me, I am very grateful to you…” Luna said hesitantly, not wishing to invoke the purple unicorn’s wrath a fourth time.

“Ok, she’s talking like a normal pony, I guess she’s cured.” Twilight said with confidence, and she and the other Elements of Harmony turned to head back into town. Luna heaved a sigh of relief and trotted after them.

“Thine assessment is correct; we have been restored to normal.” The young princess smiled weakly and Twilight whipped around suddenly.

“What was that?”

“I am feeling much better, there is no reason to attack me again, because I am a normal pony who speaks in a normal manner!” Luna squeaked in fear and Twilight nodded satisfied and turned back to face Ponyville.

Canterlot Castle, The Throne Room

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to have you back little sister; I was very worried about you, even though you may not have thought I was.” Princess Celestia smiled and hugged her sister who returned the hug and smiled back softly.

“I missed you too, I really did, and I promise that I’ll never mess up like before again!” Princess Luna nuzzled her sister and sat in the throne beside her. Celestia looked at her younger sister in amazement.

“Lu-lu, I didn’t expect you to have such a mastery over modern language after being turned back to your normal self so soon.” The elder of the two royal sisters remarked, and Luna gulped, afraid that a certain librarian watching her from her spot in the long line of ponies that had come for an apology from Princess Luna would again use the Elements of Harmony to turn her into a princess flambé.

“Er… I’m a fast learner ’Tia.”

“Of course, I forgot how studious you could be when you put your mind to it.” Celestia smiled warmly and turned her head to look at the crowd. “Alright my little ponies, please step forward one at a time, and Luna will apologize for whatever grief she has caused you as Nightmare Moon!”An Unbelievably Long Time Filled With Apologies Later“And I apologize you to, Pinkie Pie, it was terribly mean of me to eat all of your sweets and not leave any for you to share with other ponies.” Luna said, secretly happy that Pinkie Pie was the last pony in the line, she really did not think she could stand her sister volunteering her for something to compensate a yet another pony that she had mistreated, especially one as crazy as this.

She was already supposed to help Twilight Sparkle alphabetize the library by subject, author, and title; model every dress, hat, and lace covered creation Rarity had planned for the next fashion show at Canterlot; watch Rainbow Dash do her routines for the Wonderbolts tryouts and give a ten page summary on what she thought of each trick and ‘how much they blew her mind’; help rebuild the Apple family’s barn and lend Applejack a hoof in the next Zap Apple harvest; help Fluttershy with every animal mother that was going to be giving birth for the next two months; and a long list of other things ranging from listening to stories about the war days of Stalliongrad and playing games with orphans to helping certain dragons stalk certain unicorns and helping keep pegasi desperate on escaping hospitals in their rooms at all costs.

“That’s alright Princess Luna; I forgive you because now you’re even cuter than before!” Pinkie Pie grinned at the lunar princess with an overly theatric wink.

Luna blushed hard and stuttered meekly. “P-please d-don’t say that! It’s still v-very embarrassing!” Celestia thought for a moment and smiled slyly.

“You believe my sister to be cute, correct? Hmmmm…. Well, Luna must repay you for eating all of your pastries, so I believe that she would be more than happy to visit Sugar Cube Corner every Friday and spend the weekend until sunrise on Monday to help you bake pastries for everypony. Perhaps you’ll cook up something more than sweets, won’t that be fun?” Celestia gave Pinkie Pie a wink, and the pink earth pony nodded excitedly.

Luna paled. “E-excuse me?”

“You bet your crown it’ll be fun! We’ll have so much fun together, you could fill a library with all the fun things we‘ll do, and we’ll do it Pinkie Pie Style! We can do all sorts of fun baking things, and then maybe we’ll even some alone time!” Pinkie bounced up and down ecstatically, and then stopped in mid-air, gasping very loudly. “WAIT! Today’s Friday! Princess Celestia, can Luna come over tonight??? Huh??? Can she??? Please???”

Celestia put on a face of surprise. “Why I do believe you are correct, today is Friday! It must have slipped my mind; of course Luna may go with you. In fact, why don’t you two go ahead and pack Lu-lu’s things for the weekend and head off right away?”

Pinkie Pie squealed giddily and dragged Princess Luna to her room to gather everything she would need for a weekend at Sugar Cube Corner. Luna looked back at her sister pleadingly as she was pulled along by the party pony. Celestia smiled back and waved at her little sister as carted off to her room for a ‘Pinkie Pie Style’ weekend.

“Do have fun my dear little Lu-lu!”

Author’s Notes/Apologies, Thank You Notes, And The Always Enjoyable Extra Special Bonus Scenes That You’re Secretly Always Fantasizing About But Would Never Admit To Doing So Because Let’s Face It, Who Has Fantasies About Added Scenes In Writing? Answer: You

Author’s Notes And Apologies, Followed By Thank You Notes

Ok, I know this is out of order from my usual way of doing things, seeing as I usually save this boring stuff for later after the popular ‘Bonus Scenes’ you’ve all come to love and expect/demand from me, but I really had to do this first.

I in now way, shape, or form intended to insult the Chinese culture or the Gay community, please understand this. While I do not support the practice of aborting girls just because they’re girls, I do happen to love the Chinese culture, they have very rich history, the myths and legends are engaging, and the artwork and older style of architecture is so beautiful. I have no ill feelings toward the Gay community, in fact, one of my closet friends, Jack, is extremely and with out a doubt gay, he lives very happily with his boyfriend, and I often have dinner at Olive Garden with them. So no hate mail about either of those, alright?

This is the longest chapter of anything I have done so far, or at least I’m pretty sure it is. The story, by itself, clocks in at 6,789 words, excluding this and the extras at the end, and while that number made me giggle, I just want you to know that I put a lot of work into it just for you. I haven’t exactly had a whole lot of free time on my hooves, what with the whole ‘moving my whole house by myself with no truck’ and a few financial issues here and there, and a lack of internet because the cable company wants to be a jerk to me, it’s just been very stressful.

I’m extremely sorry I made you all wait so long for this, and I hope you think no less of me for it, but if you want to yell at me, by all means do so, I bet I deserve it. I also apologize to those of you who are eagerly and impatiently awaiting follows up to both ‘Ping Pong Just Got 20% Cooler’ and ‘Discord’s Day’. I promise I’ll start bashing my head against a wall for ideas as soon as I can, okay?

I sincerely hope you’ve all enjoyed the love child that I, caffeine, and sleep-deprivation induced hallucinations came together in a metaphorical threesome to make that is known as ‘I’m The Villain?’. In case you forgot, it’s the story you’re reading right now.

Now, for the long list of Thank Yous. Is that Right? Thank Yous? Whatever, a lot of bronies and pegasisters unknowingly, knowingly, and for the most part, willingly contributed to this story. Whether they knew it or not or even wanted to, they did.

Eurobeat Brony, Odyssey, Glaze, Mic The Microphone, Tarby, The Living Tombstone, and Wooden Toaster - Their music set the perfect mood and inspired me when I was writing this story.

Garino - Agreed to be a victim and offered up some dastardly deeds for Nightmare Moon

Max The Loco - Gave me the wonderful idea for Pinkie’s scene that led to the following ‘relationship’ between her and NM

Tundra Stanza - Unknowingly inspired a scene between Chrysalis and NM

Kiue Jin - For letting me blow him up as a an Emo Goth orphan pony and supplying the basis for Celestia’s Plot Statue

Airstream - Actually volunteering to be a victim without me offering it as a reward, bless his soul

Lucky Roll - The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ scene was partly thanks to you, Sweetie Belle as a chef had to be done and that led to the other two getting their ‘marks’ as well

Aziraphael - You made me laugh, ‘nuff said.

Terrycloth - Just because you coincidentally had the same name as a character I used

Inferno Demon Dash - You were my first crazed fan, and it made me feel like a boss, I’m half expecting a fan club to be started by you

Scorpion - You reminded me I still had to do Spike’s Scene, which is below, you’re welcome by the way, hope you like it

Everypony else who commented on or read this story - I really appreciate every comment and thumbs up, thanks. The only reason none of you were specified was because you didn’t actually do anything particularly noteworthy, but I love you just as much as I do everypony else, okay?

And a very special shout out to my best friends who are also in the fimfiction community, Hans and Rosa, a.k.a. WhoopAss_McGue and unfortunately, I forgot Rosa’s penname, so I’ll just add it in as soon as possible, but you two kept me going when I felt like giving up, not just here, but anywhere else too, I really couldn’t have finished this without you.

Alright, I guess I’ve bored you long enough with this stuff, I guess it’s time for what you really wanted, the…

Super Secret Special Happy Fun Time Scenes!!!

Spike Receives A Rare Gift

Spike had just finished rearranging all the books upside down by color, like that strange mare that had come by earlier had told him too.

“If Twilight says it should be done, it should be. She’s never wrong, because she reads a ton of books and all. Besides, a gift from my sweet Rarity doesn’t hurt too much either.” The young dragon sighed happily, a small blush reddening his face.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Mail! For a Mr. Spike, from a Miss Rarity!”

Spike almost battered the door to the library down in his haste to get his present from the mare of his heart’s desires. He opened the door and took the package from the town’s mail mare. The green and purple dragon waved goodbye and rushed back inside to open the package.

“Oh boy! I bet it’s jewels from Rarity’s prized collection!” Spike exclaimed, licking his lips hungrily as he tore the top off the box and peered inside. He pulled out a stack of photos and looked at them curiously.

“Pictures? Why would Rarity send me pic…” Spike froze. The first three photos were of his secret crush in very lewd and inviting positions, her patented pout adding to the photo’s ‘charm’. He gulped nervously, his claws shaking as he continued through the stack, his heart raced faster and faster as the photos contained less and less clothing, and even more sensual poses.

“I… Rarity…” Spike stuttered, unable to process what he was seeing at first. Then the light bulb clicked on and he jumped into the air in celebration. “YES!!! Rarity loves me too and wants me to be hers!”

“I told Twilight the mustache was a mare magnet!”

Derpy The Moon Mare

Nightmare Moon stood outside the entrance to the hospital, her thoughts teeming with the possibilities a building full of helpless ponies unable to escape from potential dangers. Oh yes, this was going to be like taking candy from a foal indeed. Nightmare felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to come face to face with a wall-eyed pegasus with a gray coat hanging upside down in the air.

“Excuse me, but have you seen my-”

“WHAT THE DEVIL IS THIS CROSS-EYED CREATURE?!” Nightmare screamed in horror and whipped around to deliver a monstrous buck to the poor mail pony in question.

“-MUFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!” Derpy Hooves shouted as she sailed into the sky for the second time that night.

The Moon

A very dazed pegasus pulled herself out of a sizable, yet oddly pony shaped crater on the surface of the moon. She stood up and after dusting herself off, looked at her surroundings with a very puzzled expression, and this time it wasn’t just the wall-eyed look like it usually was.

“How… Did my muffin get here?” Derpy asked nopony in particular as she picked up the breakfast snack she had been relentlessly searching for all night. She nuzzled it like it was her own flesh a blood, and the heavens seemed to cry out in great choruses of D’awwwwwwww, for nothing can match the love of a mail mare and her muffin.

Lockdown Gets Shutdown

“Ma’am, there are a few discrepancies with your identification badge, are you sure this is you?” He questioned, fixing his gaze on her with a suspicious expression.

“Absolutely, I am Nurse Redheart, and I must get into the Maternity Ward.” Nightmare huffed impatiently and stepped forward only to be blocked by the guard.

“Now wait just a minute ma’am.”

Nightmare Moon frowned slightly, it seemed yet another pony was going to interfere with her schemes.

“Yes?”

“Well…” The security guard said slowly, again looking from the badge to the mare in front of him. “This picture shows you as having a white coat, but your coat is black.”

“I dyed my coat, is that a problem?”

“You look bigger in person ma’am, ponies don’t just-”

“Bigger? Was that a fat joke? Did you just call me fat?” Nightmare asked indignantly, and Lockdown backpedaled quickly.

“N-no! I’m just saying you look very good in person, very healthy and attractive, not fat at all!” Lockdown smiled nervously, the last thing he needed was for another crazed mare to bite his flank for calling her fat.

“Are you hitting on me? You are! You’re flirting with me, don’t deny it! I can have your job terminated on the grounds of sexual harassment, understand?! One letter and you are through!” Nightmare Moon growled harshly and the guard recoiled and stepped aside.

“Y-you can go ahead, everything checks out ma’am.”

“And remember what I said Mr. Lockdown, all it will take is one letter, and you will be out of here faster than you can blink.” Nightmare called back over her shoulder to Lockdown, who was looking shaken and responded with a nod.

The Liar, The Wind, And The Hospital Supply Closet

Nightmare Moon sighed. “Well this plan backfired, I was planning on making fun of you because I thought you couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, but it turns out I picked the one crippled stallion stuffer out of the whole accursed lot!” She turned away from him and dragged a hoof down her face in exasperation. “This just makes my day. Er, night, some period of time, whatever! Well, I bid you farewell then Wind Chaser; I hope you get hit by another pair of mares in the next race.”

Nightmare trotted out of the closet and slammed the door shut behind her. Chaser blinked and looked at the door.

“Miss Redheart? Hello? You forgot me… I’m still… in the… closet…” He sighed and rolled his chair up to the door, but couldn’t reach the handle to open it.

“I should’ve stayed in bed this morning….”

He strained to lean forward enough to grasp the handle, but the wheelchair he was put in prevented that by just a few teasing inches. Wind Chaser looked around the closet for anything that might aid him in his escape.

“Breath mints… Band-aids… Syringes… Rubber bands… Fire Extinguisher! That’ll work for sure!” He exclaimed, and using the rubber bands and band-aids to attach the fire extinguisher to his chair. Wind rolled back to the far end of the closet, held the hose pointing behind him, and let loose everything the canister had, which rocketed him forward towards the door, and seconds later, he crashed through the door and into the hallway.

“Yes! I did it! I’m free!” The handicapped stallion cheered happily. A pair of older ponies, the only married couple that was still in the same wing in fact, looked at the younger pony and shook their heads.

“Bout time that whippersnapper came out of the closet…” The old stallion grunted, moving a checker piece on the board between them. His wife nodded and looked at the pieces carefully, not giving Wind Chaser a second glance.

Flam Gets Flimflammed

“I’ll trade you my cider press for your beans!” Flam offered eagerly, but Nightmare Moon shook her head slowly.

“I’m not sure about that, this are very rare beans…”

“I’ll throw in my bits and clothes, no charge!”

Nightmare pretended to shift uncomfortably in her spot. “Oh alright, you drive a hard bargain, but I suppose that I can accept your terms.” She shook his hoof to seal the deal and after gathering up her spoils, trotted off with the mobile cider press, a set of vaudevillian clothes, and 200 bits. “You have a pleasant night!”

Flam grinned proudly, he had magic bit-producing beans, and that foalish mare had nothing but a few mere possessions of his and a paltry amount of bits compared to what he and his brother would soon be swimming in.

“Flim will be so proud of me when he comes back!”

And as if by command, his brother just so happened to return a few minutes later. Flam jumped up to show off his savvy business investment.

“Dear brother of mine, why are you naked?”

“Flim! You’ll never guess what just happened!”

“I’d like to know why you’re naked, but what? You found us enough money to finish converting the Super Speedy Cider Squeezey 6000?” Flim asked hopefully, but looked a little disappointed when Flam shook his head.

“Better.” The mustached unicorn replied.

“The Apples decided to sell their farm after all?”

“Better .”

Flim was stumped; he couldn’t imagine anything better than that. “Then what? What happened?”

“I traded the Super Speedy Cider Squeezey 6000, my clothes, hence my nudeness, and the last of our bits for these magic beans that grow bits!” Flam held out his hoof proudly and Flim inspected the beans closely.

“Flam, you moron, those are beans from our dinner last night!” He groaned and dragged his hoof down his face. “I told mother we should have left you at the petting zoo when we were young, but no, she said I had to take care of you!”

Flim shook his head and heaved a tired sighed. “I told her that letting you drink cider so young was going to scramble your brains…”

Flam hung his head sadly. “I’m sorry Flim, but she was so convincing… I couldn’t help but believe her…”

Flim rubbed his hoof against his snout in and effort to remain calm. “We’ve been over this Flam; never buy things from strange mares unless I’m around to authenticate it. You know you‘re too weak willed to deal with them.”

“But you always spend a lot of bits on lap dances Flim, why can’t I buy things too?”

“Your purchases are backed with stupidity in the area where mare’s are concerned Flam, mine are backed with proven science, lap dances are scientifically proven to reduce stress and induce feelings of euphoria. The situations are completely different.”

One Last Thing From Yours Truly

Thank You All So Very Much For Sticking With This Story. I Really Hope I Lived Up To The Expectations You Had. Remember To Love And Tolerate, No Matter How Much There Is In The World.

Lots of Love,

Roxxi

I'm The Villain? - Dawn of A New Nightmare

The Outskirts of Ponyville

With a satisfied sigh of approval, a tall midnight coated alicorn levitated a hammer and nails onto a stump beside her. She smiled at her hoof-work and stepped back a few feet to take in the view.

“Well you really have outdone yourself Nightmare! This Care Center for Disabled Ponies will really help the peaceful and kind community of Ponyville by providing expense free medical service to those poor unfortunate ponies who just cannot afford treatment at the local hospital. And all that state-of-the-art medical equipment I installed will really make this place shine!” Nightmare Moon paused for a moment, a glaring detail had suddenly presented itself.

“I don’t have any doctors to work here yet… Oh well, I’ll just stay here in Ponyville and volunteer my own services to all my little ponies who hurt themselves, no matter how trivial the damage may be!” She smiled cheerfully, making it almost impossible to tell that she was an alicorn who was thought to be a vengeful tyrant who had been sealed away in the moon for the last thousand years. However, the fangs in her smile did slightly tarnish the good-natured intent of the sincere expression.

Using her magic to pull out a checklist, she marked off another box, humming happily to herself, so overjoyed that she could help the town in any way possible.

“Let’s see, we helped an old mare cross the street, bought food for starving orphans, built an orphanage for said orphans, read bedtime stories to twice aforementioned orphans, lent a kindly old gentle colt a hefty sum of money to get a hip replacement, donated to the ‘Hooves Across Equestria’ Foundation, repaired the library roof, defended a helpless mare from a mugger, gave a shy canary yellow pegasus some much needed self-esteem, built a new barn for the Apple family, built bird nests for birds returning from the south, helped deliver a foal at the hospital, gave a kidney to a stallion in dire need of a transplant, and wrote a letter of accommodation to the Wonderbolts on behalf of that spunky rainbow maned pegasus, Rainbow Dash is her name I believe.” Nightmare looked at her list carefully, making sure she had not forgotten anything important. “Ah-ha! I knew I forgot to check this off!” A quill floated to the scroll and checked off the last box.

Did Not Kick An Adorably Cute Kitten Into A Tree While Laughing Evilly And Pelting It With Water Balloons.

Nightmare frowned, what is heaven’s name would make her want to a dreadfully mean thing like that to a kitten? She rolled her eyes and giggled, turning to head back to town in order to spread more good will.

“STOP RIGHT THERE NIGHTMARE MOON!” A lavender unicorn had jumped in front of her path, looking very intimidating with her purple-coated shortness and stubby round horn. It was very intimidating, believe me, it was.

“Eh? Oh, you are Twilight Sparkle, the librarian, correct? I hoped you liked what I did to the library!” Nightmare smiled sweetly at Twilight, who gasped in horror and glared at her with a blazing fury in her eyes.

“My library? What did you do to my precious books?! Tell me!” Twilight yelled, the righteous fury in her voice over the imagined torture of her books was fierce. “So help me Celestia, when my friends get here, we will blast the hay out of you with our Super Special Awesome Mega Super Cool Not Frilly Frou Frou At All Magical Rainbow Blasting Harmony Blast!” Twilight face hoofed. “Oh buck me, now Rainbow Dash has me calling it that ridiculous name too!”

Nightmare giggled and gave her best ‘I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you’ smile. “I think it’s a splendid name! But why in Equestria would you want to hurt me with it? I have not done anything mean to you, have I? Terribly sorry if I did, my apologies.”

Twilight gasped and sputtered, this had to be some kind of mind trick. Yes, that was it, Nightmare Moon was trying to get her to doubt herself and lose faith in the power of friendship, that must be the logical answer. “Y-you can’t fool me Nightmare Moon! I know you’re an evil villain bent on taking over Equestria and bringing eternal night!”

“What do you mean ‘I’m an evil villain’? I’m afraid you aren’t making any sense Miss Sparkle, I’m not a villain at all, I’m obviously a good pony.” Nightmare smiled understandingly at Twilight, an idea about what must have happened coming into her head. “I bet you bumped your head on a branch when you jumped out of that tree in front of me, didn’t you?”

“This is driving me crazy! Knock it off Nightmare Moon! You’re a villain!” Twilight snorted angrily, this was getting on her nerves. Why was Nightmare Moon, the most evil pony alive being so… so stupid! Twilight levitated a large and rather ragged looking book out of her saddlebag. “Come here you hay brained foal, I’ll make you stop this charade with the power of books!”

“Oh goody! I always enjoy a good story before finding an elderly pony to assist in chewing their hay and daisies at the retirement home!” Nightmare clapped her hooves together and sat down in front of Twilight as the lavender librarian unicorn launched into a lengthy lecture of the history of every single detail regarding myths, legends, rumors, thoughts, ideas, and assumptions about the Mare In the Moon.

One Extremely Long Twilight Approved Lecture Later

“…And in conclusion, this is why you are most certainly a villain, and not in any way shape or form a good pony.” Twilight said, closing her book with a smirk on her face.

Nightmare looked up from the notes she had been taking and put on a look of concentration. “But wouldn’t it be possible that I am a good pony based on my actions of good will and kindness?”

Twilight frowned and sighed. “No, this book says you’re bad, and because my entire life is ruled by printed text, not by things that are basic common sense and can be observed without science and infallible books, that automatically means the book is the law and you are without a doubt evil beyond reason.”

“But can’t ponies change? If somepony really wants to change the way they live, shouldn’t they be allowed to?” Nightmare tilted her head inquiringly.

“That only applies to minor things, like deciding to stop being a ciderholic, or to rearrange your books according to a different, more efficient system.” Twilight explained, rolling her eyes exasperatedly.

“Why? If I want to be a good pony, shouldn’t you encourage that, since you are a protector of Equestria and Element of Harmony?”

“I’m only going to say this once more, so listen closely; You are a villain, this book says so, following that irrefutable evidence, there is no possible way you can be good seeing as anything that’s printed is automatically true because it’s in a book, understand?”

An uncomfortable air of unease settled between the two, Nightmare Moon looking at the ground silently, and Twilight Sparkle looking at her expectantly as she waited for the undeniable logic of her foolproof argument sunk in.

“…I’m the villain?”

“Yes! Now you- ACK!” Twilight clutched weakly at her throat in an attempt to pry the hoof that had made its new home there without warning. Nightmare grinned at her… well evilly, to be frank.

“Well if I’m the villain, I should act like it, hm?” Her grin widened and she threw Twilight violently into a tree trunk, her body making an audible crack as she slammed into it. “Thank you Twilight Sparkle, for showing me that I’m supposed to be a horrible pony who doesn’t give a buck if others get hurt!” She turned and snapped out her hind legs to deliver a mighty kick to Twilight’s ribcage, making her cough violently and sputter up blood. “Have fun breathing with blood-filled, punctured lungs you stupid nerd.”

Nightmare turned to the care center she had built. “Ugh, such a repulsive eyesore, what the hay was I thinking when I built this useless thing?” She snorted with disgust, it seemed a small crowd of ponies had made their way into the building while that dingbat pony was boring her to death with her junky book. “Should I warn them to get out, or just let them burn with building? I could flip a bit…” She paused. “Oh well, no bits here! Burn it is!”

Nightmare Moon reared up on her hind legs and her horn glowed with a starry aura as a spark floated from her horn to the building. She waited eagerly as the spark touched the front door and disappeared. She waited a few more minutes, with no visible changes, aside from a goofy looking slate colored pegasus with a wall-eyed stare trotted into the door, an astounding thirty-seven times before she seemed to realize it was a pull door, not a push door, and entered the Care Center For Disabled Ponies.

“What? Oh what the hay, insufferable thing didn’t blow up at all! What the fu-”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Nightmare Moon scrambled back from the blazing inferno that had sprouted from a monstrous explosion where the care center had been standing moments before. “Wh-what the bucking buck what?!?!?” She clutched her chest with a shaking hoof. “Th-that scared the bits right of me! But it was worth it, all those ponies are flaming carcasses now and I-”She looked up into the sky to see a small fireball, no not a fireball, a smoldering pegasus flying through the air.

“MUFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!” The flaming projectile pony sailed well into the boundaries of the Everfree Forest, her cries of breakfast snack foods dying off the further away she got.

“…I don’t want to know. I just do not ever want to know what just happened….” Nightmare Moon said quietly, disturbance on her voice. She turned back to the outline of Ponyville. “Time to play a game; it’s called ‘My Little Pony: Pain and Suffering Is Magic’!” The newly minted midnight villain flew off into the night sky, the unsuspecting town being her destination.

Ponyville Town Sqaure

Nightmare Moon glided down to the streets in the Town Square and looked around as she landed silently.

“Where to begin, where to begin? So much evil, so little time.” She trotted through the streets, looking any potential victims when she spotted an elderly stallion with a coal black coat, a smoky gray mane, and an old stove for a cutie mark strolling along. “Bingo.” Nightmare snuck up behind the old pony and tapped his shoulder.

“Huh? Oh, it’s you! I can’t thank you enough for the bits you gave me for my operation! You’re the kindest pony I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting! If you ever need something, go on down to the Rusty Horseshoe, tell’em Stove Pipe sent you, ok?” Stove Pipe smiled warmly at Nightmare, taking her aback for a moment.

“Err… Wait, what? No! I’m not a good pony, I’m a villain, and I’m taking back my bits, so return to me my bits you old fool!” Nightmare glared and stamped her hoof. Stove Pipe laughed uneasily, not sure what to make sure of this sudden mood swing.

“Well, like I told you before miss, I’ll pay you back just as soon-” Nightmare Moon snarled and put her snout against his.

“Listen here you sniveling little sack of horse apples, I want my bits NOW! So either you give me my bits immediately, or I just take something of equal or lesser value, get the picture?” She emphasized her point by tapping a hoof on the still fresh scar lingering from Stove Pipe’s operation.

Stove gulped. “W-well m-miss I don’t have any bits on me, but I can get the bits tomorrow, I swear!” Stove was sweating nervously now, the imposing and aggressive alicorn was beginning to really worry him.

Nightmare merely gave him a dragon-esque smile, fangs and all. “I said now, as in this moment, or at the most, 30 seconds from the moment where you agree to immediately give me my bits back. Although seeing as you do not have the means to repay me on time, I’ll just have to get my money’s worth, now won’t I?”

Stove Pipe took an involuntary step backwards in fear, and that seemed to be a signal of sorts, because Nightmare Moon lunged at him with animalistic fury.

WARNING, TO SKIP AN ACCIDENTALY OVERLY BRUTAL BEATING, JUST GO TO CHAPTER TWO, MUCH MORE COMEDY LESS BRUTALITY IN A GOREY SENSE

“Never try to run from me! Understand you senile fool?” Nightmare snapped out her hoof into the old stallion’s jaw, sending teeth and spray of blood onto the cobblestone road. “And never, I mean never try to weasel out of paying your debts!” She knocked Stove Pipe to the ground and stomped viciously onto the spot where he had his hip surgery, causing the stallion to cry out in pain, the sickening snap of bones filling the air. “

“Argh! P-please st-stop! I b-beg you!” Stove Pipe was sobbing, pleading for the brutal beating to stop. Nightmare shook her head and drew back her hoof again.

“I am afraid that’s simply impossible, I’m a cruel pony and this is my life’s calling. It’s nothing personal, just something I have to do.” Nightmare put on a remorseful face, before breaking out in her sadistic grin again.

“Celestia save me..” Stove shut his eyes tightly, whispering a silent prayer as the midnight mare drove her hoof into his gut.

Blow after blow, strike after strike, Nightmare Moon rained her hooves down upon the elderly stallion, the sounds of snapping bones were replaced with the squelching of bruised and battered flesh being torn apart by the malicious mare’s hooves.

Stove Pipe’s previous pleas were reduced to gurgles as blood from his ruptured organs welled up in his throat, but soon, mercifully even, the stallion lost consciousness and his limp body lay there unresponsive to Nightmare Moon’s last volley of blows. She snorted in disdain and stepped away from the broken and bloodied Stove Pipe.

“Humph, perhaps next time he will remember that ‘right now’ means ‘right now’ and not ‘tomorrow’.” Looking back down at him, she raised her hind hoof one last time, bringing it down forcefully, completely shattering what was left of the unmoving stallion’s hips.

Conjuring up a new scroll and quill, Nightmare Moon quickly jotted down a new checklist to better keep track of her recently made evil agenda. She studied it for a few moments, proceeding to check off a few boxes.

“Hmmm, let me see here… Burned down a care center full of disabled ponies?” She looked back to the clearing she had come from earlier, the screams of the still surviving ponies echoing through the forest and towering plume of thick smoke marking the spot rather nicely, if she did say so herself. “Check. Beat up a librarian?” She grinned, thinking back to the lavender unicorn and hoped, like a foal hoping for the present they wanted on their birthday, Twilight Sparkle was drowning in her own blood. “Check again. Get a refund on my bits for a hip replacement?” She briefly looked back behind her at the mangled body of Stove Pipe and nodded, rather proud of her fine hoof work. “Thrice checked.”

Nightmare giggled, getting a giddy pleasure from her misdeeds. “I’m rather enjoying this whole ‘I’m The Villain’ thing. If she is not dead when I get back, I will thank that foolish unicorn for opening my eyes to my true life’s calling! I can’t wait for the next game, what was next on my list?” She looked at her checklist, and after reaffirming the next items on her schedule, took off into the night sky. “I Think I might be a pyromaniac, that list was strangely fire oriented…” Nightmare mused thoughtfully before shrugging it off and continuing her rampage.

Nightmare’s Naughty List

-Burn Down A Care Center With Disabled Ponies Inside.

-Beat Up A Librarian.

-Obtain Reimbursement For Bits Spent On A Frivolous Surgery.

-Steal Food From Orphans So They Starve, Read Them Horror Stories, And Burn Down The Orphanage.

-Release Parasprites Into The Food Supplies At ‘Hooves Across Equestria’.

-Mug A Mare.

-Make A Pegasus With A History Of Self-Esteem Issues Feel Worthless.

-Creatively Destroy The Apple Family’s Barn, Flaming Meteor If Possible.

-Booby-Trap Bird Nests With Incendiary Devices.

-Find A Newborn Foal And ‘Return To Sender’.

-Retrieve Kidney From The Pony Who’s Life It Saved.

-Destroy Wonderbolt Related Dreams Of A Pegasus.

-Kick A Disgustingly Cute Kitten Into A Tree, Laugh Evilly, And Pelt It With Water Balloons. Optionally Setting The Tree On Fire As Well.

-Add More Evil Deeds To List, Not Optional.

Author's Notes

Hey everypony, this is my attempt at something different from my previous stories, filled with good times and humour. Unfortunantly, I think I'm mixing Comedy elelments in with the story, so I'm not sure if I should mark this as a Dark Comedy, Dark, or just Comedy with violent scenes. That last one seems appropriate... Anyways, any helpful criticism is welcome and encouraged, as are suggestions for the list, and creative ideas on how to destroy the Apple's barn.

Sincerely,

Roxxi

P.S. If it wasn't clear, this is going to be a continued story, I know some of you take after Derpy, and I ain't talking about her love of muffins either. I kid, I love all of my readers, even the mean ones.

Good Deeds Gone Bad - Things Aren't What They Seem

Canterlot Castle

Tia Kettle, silver coated unicorn in a uniform akin to a waitress’s, knocked politely on the door of Princess Celestia’s private study. “Excuse me Princess Celestia, your evening tea has been prepared, may I come in?” She waited patiently then entered after the door had open itself for her. “I know you asked me, if it were feasible, to prepare you a new flavor of tea, something unusual. Regrettably, we were out of anything but the standard flavors you are accustomed to.” The unicorn bowed deeply as her magic set the steaming cup down on the table where Celestia had been proofreading a few proposed laws.

The alabaster alicorn smiled serenely at her servant, that was nothing to be sorry for. “Do not worry Miss Kettle; I do not blame anypony for an uncontrollable circumstance. I enjoy all flavors of tea, be they exotic or domestic, you have nothing to apologize for. You may have the rest of the night off if you wish, you have earned it.” Celestia turned back to her work, but noticed Tia Kettle had not yet left.

“Is there something troubling you my little pony?” Celestia asked, momentarily setting aside any thoughts of zoning laws or taxes systems. Kettle shifted nervously and nodded hesitantly.

“Y-yes Princess Celestia, the tea I prepared for you was not made from ingredients from the royal stocks. A strange mare had approached me in the kitchen and presented me with a small package of tea leaves. She claimed to be from the far end of Equestria, an ambassador of sorts from a pony tribe living in the wilderness. She claimed that the leaves were a peace offering to open communications.”

Celestia nodded, this was not an uncommon occurrence in royal affairs. Foreign ponies would always send her a rare tea as an offering to get on her good side, which was unnecessary. Not unwelcome, just unnecessary. “This is nothing out of the ordinary, why does this trouble you?”

“The mare who brought it seemed… Well she seemed off, something wasn’t right. And the way she promised it would ‘Give you a new perspective’ also did not feel right. I am just worried for your safety Princess.”

Celestia laughed gently. “I will be fine, I promise you. There is nothing to worry about, had the tea been harmful or hazardous to my health, the warning runes I have in my study would have alerted me immediately. However, if it will assuage your trepidations regarding my well-being, you may stay here with me, does this satisfy you?” The unicorn relaxed slightly and nodded.

“I assure you I will be unharmed, now I shall enjoy this tea while it is still warm.” Raising the cup to her lips with her magic, Princess Celestia took a long and slow drink. She licked her lips delightedly.

“Oh this is divine! It has so many wonderful flavors, and it makes my whole body tingle, as if I have more energy than before!” Celestia took another deep drink of the mystery tea and smiled at Kettle. “I feel a trifle different though my dear Kettle.” Celestia rose from her desk and moved slowly towards the nervous tea barista.

“Different? Sh-should I alert the guards and fetch the royal doctor?” Kettle had already made to back out of the room when she was pulled closer by the alicorn’s magic.

“Oh no my little pony, I merely feel more loving. I love all my little ponies, and now I feel as if I should show them how much I love them, shouldn’t a princess show her subjects how much she cares for them?” Celestia gently caressed the shivering unicorn’s flank.

“P-princess?” Kettle asked with a shaky tone of confusion. “Th-this isn’t right, at least it doesn’t seem right… You are the princess and I am a servant! This is very improper!” Kettle began to try and pull away, but couldn’t help but shiver and gasp when Celestia’s hooves brushed her cutie mark. “Oh m-my!”

“I always did enjoy a sweet treat with my tea, and this treat will be sweeter than any candy, I’m sure.” Celestia grinned slyly at Kettle, lifting her onto the desk she had been working at, scattering papers across the room. “They say honey and tea are excellent to mix, may I borrow some from your honey pot my dear Kettle?”

The blushing unicorn nodded slightly, and Celestia dove between the barista’s legs eagerly with a wide grin plastered on her face.

Outside Celestia’s Private Study

Nightmare Moon blinked, this was… something, that was for sure. Whether it was shockingly disturbing or devilishly hilarious, she couldn’t be sure. When she had slipped the Poison Joke to the royal barista in the form of her sister’s one weakness, tea, she had expected the results to be something else entirely, perhaps becoming very irritable, that she’d start hating tea, become deeply depressed or even have her coat changed to a different color. Hay, having her rump make musical noises sounding like a banjo would have seemed more likely!

This? This was something unexpected altogether; her sister was practically molesting a pony in her study!

“Well… It certainly will cause a lot of trouble here before the tea’s effects wear off, so… Mission Accomplished, I guess.” Nightmare whispered quietly to herself, not wanting to draw any attention to herself. It was already risky enough just being in the castle, let alone making her presence known by being too loud. Nightmare’s form twisted and faded into a cloud of starry vapor, slipping out of a nearby window, headed back towards her little sandbox called Ponyville.

Ponyville Monument Statue Inc.

An intimidating looking alicorn handed a detailed diagram to Stone Walls, the burly coal black earth pony with a brick wall on his flank who was in charge of Ponyville Monument Statue Inc., or PMS Inc., as it was often mockingly called in hushed tones.

“Jeez lady, you got a real piece of work, that‘s what this is. You said it‘s for the Princess? I can‘t believe she‘d want something like this built, it‘s the craziest thing we‘ve ever had asked for. I‘m just not so sure about how level this is…”

Nightmare sighed, this had been his whole speech for the last half hour. “As I told you, the Princess” She said the word with annoyance, having to call her sister a name with such honor attached to it was not something she enjoyed, but it had to be done. “Wants this statue to be done precisely according to those plans. But if you can’t do it, I’ll just inform her that she needs a new builder to make her statue.” She started to walk away and to the doors of the building when Stone called to her.

“Alright, we’ll give it our best. If Princess Celestia wants it, I guess it‘s our job to make it happen.” The stone mason poked his head out of a door and yelled to the workers in the warehouse attached to the main office, and Nightmare Moon made a disgusted face about the Celestia comment behind his back. “HEY GUYS! GET THIS STATUE DONE ASAP, IT’S FOR THE PRINCESS!” A green earth pony ran up to take the plans from Stone and glanced at them, disbelief on his face.

“You’re joking, right boss? She wants THIS?”

Stone shrugged. “Royalty ain’t always sensible and down to earth, ya know Morty? They get eccentric sometimes.”

Chip Mortar sighed, that name was never going to leave his life. “Yes sir, I’ll have everypony get started right away.” With a quick salute, Chip turned and trotted back outside to gather the workers for the statue’s construction.

“When will you finish the statue? Princess Celestia wants it done as soon as you can.” The mischievous mare asked.

Stone thought for a moment, rubbing his chin in deep thought. “Well… With the requested materials, dimensions, and the plaque, along with express delivery… I’d say this’ll take no more than an hour or two, you got real lucky lady. Got here just as the best team we have clocked in. It’ll be delivered to the castle, no worries.”

Nightmare reached for a money pouch and started to open it. “How much will this cost?” The stallion waved a hook and shook his head.

“Not a single bit, consider a gift to the princess, alright?” Nightmare nodded; slightly relieved she wouldn’t have to pay for this.

“You take care of yourself tonight; a lot of ponies have run into misfortune this night.” Stone warned her as she walked out the door. Nightmare smiled back at him wryly.

“I’m sure nothing will go wrong, this has been a very lucky night for me so far.”

The Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse

Nightmare trotted up the wooden ramp to the tree house of a group of fillies on a mission to earn their cutie marks together. This was just something that had to been done; playing with children was a must if one was going to integrate into a community such as Ponyville.

However, throwing a town like that into chaos required a different approach with children.

Nightmare Moon could hear several voices coming from within the tree house. She stopped to listen; perhaps one of the little fillies would give her an idea.

“Shoot, Ah’m starting to think we’ll never earn out cutie marks…” Apple Bloom sighed, flopping face facedown on a large beanbag chair.

“Yeah, your sisters were totally shooting our hopes down. Applejack said we couldn’t use the barn to try and earn our cutie marks in demolition, and then blames us because some crazy dragon thingy smashes it! Not fair on so many levels! Then Rarity says we can’t use her dress stuff to make costumes so we can get cutie marks in horror film make-up art.” Scootaloo snorted, thumping her hoof on the floor with a frown darkening her features.

“Ugh, this is the worst night ever! Dumb night, dumb everything! I told Rarity we’d clean up after we were done, but she wouldn’t listen.” Sweetie Belle groaned dramatically, falling back into a beanbag chair in a way she had seen her older sister do countless times before.

“So… You three fillies are in distress because you have no cutie marks?” They all whirled around to come face to face with an imposingly tall alicorn. Scootaloo spread her wings out in an instinctual defense method and stood in front of Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, the latter of which was shaking slightly.

“Hey! Crusaders only, who the hay are you? Are you a spy? Huh?!” Scootaloo growled and took a step forward. Apple Bloom nodded and Sweetie Belle copied her, only not looking as brave as her friends.

“Why my little fillies, I am the… The Spirit of Cutie Marks! I help all the poor blank flanks of the world find their special talent, and I thought you three would like my help.” Nightmare grinned at them, bowing and spreading out her wings, stretching from wall to wall and giving her introduction more flair.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped in disbelief, finally somepony was going to actually help them instead of shooting their attempts out of the sky. Scootaloo ran forward and wrapped her hooves around the older mare’s leg.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou! This is totally awesome! So what are we going to do no-” Scootaloo found herself with a hoof prying her away from their would- be savior and another clamped on her mouth.

Once Nightmare Moon had freed her leg from the zealous grip of the orange pegasus filly, she looked at them all sternly. “There are a few rules however… The first rule is absolutely no useless ramblings, the Great Spirit hates that. The second is you do not, I repeat, do NOT ever argue with what the Great Spirit, which is I, assigns you as your talent. And the most important rule is that you precisely, to the letter, no adlib at all, exactly as the Great Spirit commands you. Do you accept my rules as I have stated them?” She looked at the group expectantly, and smiled as they all nodded fervently.

“I want each of you to close your eyes tightly and count to ten in your head, you will be out into a trance and while you are in this state, I shall bestow upon you your cutie mark, signifying what you are destined to do.” Nightmare carefully explained as she pushed them into a line side by side.

The three fillies all closed their eyes, eager grins on their faces as they imagined their future cutie marks. Scootaloo was quietly chanting something about be as awesome as Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom was whispering about how she was going to rub her new cutie mark in Diamond Tiara’s face, and Sweetie Belle was simply rocking back and forth in excitement. Nightmare chuckled, this was just too easy.

“By the power vested in me… I, The Great and Powerful Spirit of Cutie Marks, now pronounce you all…” She took a deep breath. “UNCONCIOUS!” The three fillies’ eyes snapped open in confusion.

“What? We‘re wh-”

“Unwhoosit now? Ah-”

“The hay do you me-?”

Each filly silenced by a swift hoof to the face from Nightmare moon. They each dropped like a stack of rock in a party hat. Nightmare Moon conjured up six rolls of parchment, wrote three messages explaining their new marks and a letter from the three best ponies, forged of course, in the field of the talent they would be pushed into on each one and placed them on the nose of the pony it was directed to.

“I love children, so naïve and trusting to strangers! Maybe I should have offered them candy to get in cart help me look for a lost puppy!” She cackled and began painting on the flank of each filly.

“This little filly gets a pair of wings with lighting, this little filly gets a chef hat, and this little filly gets a black book! Oh how I wish I could see the beauty of my genius, too bad I have yet more evil to unleash.” She sighed wistfully and turned to leave the tree house. “It’s a sacrifice I must make, there is simply too much evil left undone in this world right now and I just don’t have the leisure of enjoying the fallout of every tragedy I cause.”

Later, Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse

Scootaloo groaned and rubbed her head, it felt like she face planted of a cliff or something. She opened her eyes and all she could see was a wall of whitish brown. She blinked a few times to confirm what she was seeing, which was apparently nothing.

“I’M BLIND! BLIND! BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!” She screamed and leaped into the air, landing roughly on Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

“Oh wait… No I’m not, whew! That was totally freaky; I thought I went blind for a second. Apple Bloom? Sweetie Belle? Where’d you two go?” Scootaloo looked around and then down when the ground started to shake, which wasn’t really the ground, but her friends. She hopped off of them and grinned sheepishly. “Sorry?”

Apple Bloom looked at her narrowly. “What the hay was that? Jumpin’ on me an’ Sweetie because there was paper stuck to yer face. That’s crazy!” Apple Bloom looked at the roll of paper that had fallen off of her nose, and Sweetie Belle had already opened hers to read it.

“It was paper? Weird…” Scootaloo picked hers up and unrolled it. Mumbling under her breath as she read, she gasped suddenly and squealed. “Yes! That crazy spirit mare says my talent is stunt flying and the other letter was from Spitfire, she says I’m totally on the team! I have to go show Rainbow Dash, she’ll love that we’re gonna be Wonderbolts together! Sorry to leave like this, but I gotta!” Scootaloo grabbed her helmet and scooter and took of like a shot.

Apple Bloom looked at hers a little confused. “Ah’m gonna write clop novels… What‘s a clop-” The yellow filly blushed as she read the other letter written to her by Hugh Hayfner. “Oh, th-that’s a clop novel…” She turned to Sweetie Belle, whose face was lit up with joy. “What did you get?

“I knew Rarity was wrong, I’m going to be the head chef at Chez Pony! My special talent is gourmet cooking Apple Bloom!” Sweetie Belle stood up, struck a dramatic pose and looked at Apple Bloom. “I have to get to Chez Pony as soon as possible, or all those starving ponies will have to miss my cooking! Good luck writing Apple Bloom!” And with that, the unicorn filly ran off, leaving a blushing Apple Bloom alone in the clubhouse.

“W-well… Ah better get started…”

Ponyville Public Park

Nightmare Moon looked around as she wandered through the park, looking for any suitable victims to terrorize. It was rather calm and peaceful, two things she hated with a passion. She loved causing trouble and tragedy of all magnitudes, no matter how trifle or how devious.

“Speaking of love and passion, I think I’ve found my next victims.” Nightmare grinned as she walked up to a park bench where to ponies were wrapped in a tight embrace.

“Lyra, I’m so glad you’re back from that concert. I was getting lonely without you this weekend…” A cream colored earth pony said quietly, placing a small kiss on her lover’s cheek.

Lyra blushed faintly and smiled at her. “I’m sorry Bon Bon, but I couldn’t miss a chance like that to play with the Filly Harmonic orchestra. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Lyra leaned in for a kiss from Bon Bon when a cheery voice sprang up.

“Lyra? Is that you Lyra? Oh goody! I‘m so happy you visited me this weekend, I had so much fun with you!” Nightmare beamed at the stunned Lyra while Bon Bon glared at her.

“Who are you? What the hay are you talking about?” She turned to face Lyra again. “Lyra, what is this mare talking about? You said you were at the concert this weekend.” Lyra sputtered and tried to find something to say but Nightmare beat her to it.

“We made music alright, sweet, hot and heavy music.” The alicorn grinned at Bon Bon and winked. “She made me sing like never before, you’ll love how good she is in bed.” Lyra’s face paled and she struggled to speak in her defense.

“B-bon Bon, I was at the concert, I swear! I don’t even know this freak!” Lyra practically screamed as panic overtook her. Nightmare looked shocked and hurt, she turned away and sniffled.

“A freak? You weren’t complaining when I dressed up like Vinyl Scratch and we-” Nightmare then went on to list a numerous amount of depraved and lewd acts that gave Lyra and Bon Bon fiery red blushes. “Anyways Lyra, come over anytime, my door’s always unlocked.” She winked and trotted off, humming happily to herself.

“Y-you said you l-loved me Lyra! Am I just some f-fling to you now? And Vinyl Scratch?! You want her, you c-can have her! We are done Lyra, finished for good!” Bon Bon ran off into the night crying hysterically and leaving a very confused Lyra alone on the park bench.

“What the hay just happened?” Lyra got up and chased after Bon Bon hoping she could fix whatever had just happened between them.

“Bon Bon! Wait, I don’t even know that Lunatic!”

Author Notes, Thank You Notes, Important News, And Aftermath Scenes Because You Know You Love It When I Do That

Tea Time Is Over, Bring In The Statue!

A flustered looking Princess Celestia was perched in her throne, and on her side sat a disheveled Tia Kettle. Celestia leaned over to the castle’s barista and whispered in her ear.

“I’m so sorry about earlier, I have no idea what came over me. I give you my word it will not happen again.” Kettle smiled slightly and looked at the princess.

“Think nothing of it, I will not tell anypony if you don’t.” Princess Celestia looked relieved and sat upright in her throne. “But between you and I Princess, I wouldn’t mind if you felt different again.” Kettle gave Celestia a subtle wink and she fought to keep her wings tucked against her body as her face turned pink, though whether it was from embarrassment or the thoughts running rampant through her mind, she couldn’t be sure.

“G-guard, bring in the next pony!” Princess Celestia squeaked to the Captain of the Guard who nodded and flew over to the doors of the audience chamber and opened them. Two pegasi rolled a large object covered in a thick cloth and brought it to a halt in front of her throne.

“Here ya go your majesty; the statue you ordered is here, no charge at all!” The pegasus on the left bowed and nodded to his partner, and together they gripped the cloth in their teeth and pulled it off with a flourish. Every single jaw in the room dropped to the floor, pegasi fell out of the air, unicorns and earth ponies fell over in shock, and Princess Celestia nearly had a heart attack.

The statue that had been brought in was indeed a statue of her, but not the way she would have wanted anypony to see her. The Celestia in the statue was leaning on bent forelegs with her very lump rump high in the air and suggestive look on her face. The golden plaque on the statue was not any less humiliating.

Princess Celestia, The Pony With A Plot That Drives You Crazy.

When You See This Pony, You’re Bound To Feel Hazy.

Because This Plot’s Got So Much Mass

Appeal, All You Can Say Is ‘Dat Ass’

The pegasus who had introduced the statue leaned over whispered to his fellow pegasus.

“Hey Rocky, I think she’s impressed with it, whadda you think?”

“Gotta be Quartz, look how speechless she is.”

Crusaders Of Chaos

Scoot On Over Dash

Rainbow Dash was curled up on a small cloud, she still couldn’t believe she had been not only rejected from the Wonderbolts, but banned from ever joining to boot! This was so not awesome.

“At least this can’t get any worse…” Dash mumbled to herself, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Hey Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Come here!” Scootaloo called from the ground, waving excitedly at her. Rainbow Dash smiled slightly and glided down to the ground. Scootaloo could always rebuild her ego in ten seconds flat with adoring praise.

“Sup squirt? How’s my number one fan?” Rainbow Dash grinned and ruffled the little pegasus’s mane. Scootaloo beamed at her idol and handed her the scroll from Soarin.

“Huh? What’s this squirt?” Rainbow Dash read through the scroll as Scootaloo hopped up and down excitedly.

“Ain’t it awesome Rainbow Dash? We’re gonna be Wonderbolts together!”

THUMP!

Rainbow Dash’s eyes had rolled back in her head and she fainted, falling flat on her back. Scootaloo ran over to her hero and shook her shoulders.

“Rainbow Dash?! Are you okay?! Speak to me, what happened?!” Scootaloo said frantically, maybe she was dead! “Oh man, I killed Rainbow Dash! Everypony’s gonna hate me and I’ll have to go back to the orphanage! Wait, maybe I can hide the body in the forest!” Scootaloo started to drag Dash’s body towards the tree line when the cyan mare groaned quietly in her delirium.

“Even squirt..? Why not me..?” Scootaloo turned around and started dragging the passed out pegasus in the opposite direction.

“Maybe a hospital would be better, and then I can get started on perfecting my routine for the Wonderbolts. It‘s awesome Rainbow Dash was so excited about us being Wonderbolts together, but I didn‘t think she‘d pass out from joy!”

A Not So Sweet Treat

Sweetie Belle wiped her forehead with the hem of her apron and set the blowtorch she had been using down on the counter. She nodded satisfactorily at her latest creation, Fiery French Fired French Fries, also called the High Five. A stunning mass of crispy hayfries set ablaze to add flavor and extra crisp. Deciding to let it set on the counter to let it gather more heat, Sweetie trotted into the main dining room to see the happy looks on her customers’ faces.

“Ahem, excuse me Madame; are you the chef responsible for this meal?” A suave stallion asked, calling her over to his table. Sweetie Belle trotted over and beamed.

“Why yes I am sir, I’m so-”

“Incompetent? Yes, I agree how else could you explain this shoe and dead fly in my Shoo Fly Pie? It’s repulsive! I refuse to eat here anymore!” With a snort of contempt, the snobbish stallion stomped out of the restaurant.

“Well that was rude. Dumb customer…” Sweetie stuck her tongue out childishly at the retreating stallion. “I bet everyone else is enjoying my cooking.” She trotted over to another table where a pair of unicorns on their anniversary date were enthusiastically enjoying their meal.

“Hello, I’m Sweetie Belle, tonight’s head chef at Chez Pony! Are you enjoying your meal? I’ll admit, I had a little trouble getting the stuff for this soup, it took a lot out of me, that’s for certain.” She smiled at the couple warmly.

“Without a doubt, it’s fantastic! Though, I’ve never had Pea Soup this salty before, were the peas fresh?” The cobalt stallion with a crossed set of forks on his flank looked at her inquisitively and his date, a pearl colored unicorn with a handkerchief on her flank also nodded expectantly as she took another spoonful of soup.

“Well of course it’s fresh, I was just in the bathroom right before I put it on the stove. Where else do you get fresh pee?” Sweetie gave the pair of unicorns chiding looks, as if it were silly that they asked if the soup were fresh.

They both blanched immediately. The Stallion spoke first, his voice shaking slightly. “D-did you s-say the bathroom? Is there urine in our soup?!” His date spit her dinner across the table and he lost it. “DISGUSTING! THERE’S PEE ALL OVER MY COAT! THIS IS HORRID!” The stallion grabbed his retching date by the hoof and dragged her out of the restaurant.

An earth pony with dishes in a sink as his cutie mark poked his head through the door. “Uh Miss Belle, I think you might want to come back to the kitchen. Like right now, because… Well tonight’s special, the High Five, is attacking the staff, and it’s setting the kitchen on fire.”

“Dumb restaurant!”

My Little Porny

Setting down her pencil, Apple Bloom looked at her first ever clop novel with a mix of pride and embarrassment. She didn’t know if she had done it well enough to send in to Playcolt Monthly, the same magazine Big Macintosh hid in a box under his bed and claimed to read ‘Just for the articles, Eeeyup!’ She needed an outside opinion, somepony who she could count on to be honest.

“Applejack! Can ya come here fer a second?” Apple Bloom called out to her older sister. A few seconds later, an orange earth pony in a stetson hat trotted into her room.

“What can Ah do fer ya Apple Bloom?” The orange filly handed her a stack of papers written in surprisingly neat handwriting. “What’s this? Ya want me to read this story? Oh Ah get it now, tryin’ to be a writer? Ok, let yer big sis take a look.” Applejack sat on the edge of her little sister’s bed and began reading.

“’Diamond In The Rough, by Bloomin’ Apple. That a pen name? Anyways… Let’s see…” Applejack mumbled under her breath as she read. “The farm pony pushed open the door to the local dress shop and nervously poked her head inside. ‘Anypony home?’ She called out, her voice…” She flipped to the middle, she never liked slow starts. “Er… Here we go… The white unicorn smiled seductively at the orange mare before her. ‘Don’t worry darling, I’ll make sure you get the extra special treatment.’ With a wink she dove between the farm pony thighs, dragging her tongue in slow circles around her little button, earning her gasps of approval from… From…” Applejack paled when she read the name. “J-Jackie Apples and Uniquity hummed into the panting earth pony’s hot center. A spark of magic from Uniquity’s horn brought a small vibrating toy from a nearby dresser which pressed itself against the unicorn’s…” Applejack went from pale to burning red and she stood up to glare at Apple Bloom.

“Wh-what in tarnation is this?! WH-who told y-you about that time with me an- AH mean, who told you to write something like this? Yer just a filly, ya shouldn’t be writin’ things like this!” Applejack hurried over to the window, pushed it open and with a grunt of effort, hurled it out the window. “Don’t ever let me catch ya writin’ sm-smut again!” The furious and blushing farm pony quickly ran out of the room, heading to see if a certain fashionista had spilled the beans about their special meetings.

Out in the orchards, a tall mountain of a stallion was sitting beneath an apple tree looking quite downtrodden.

“Ain’t fair at all, AJ had no right bein’ in my room or takin’ my precious Playcolt. Ah’m a grown stallion, and it’s my choice to own things like that. How the hay was Ah supposed to know Apple Bloom would go snoopin’ around to try and find her doll? Now what am Ah- OOF!” Big Macintosh rubbed his head gingerly and picked up the offending projectile.

“’Diamond In The Rough?’ Hmm, well Ah never heard of it.” He flipped to the middle and began reading, a small blush tinting his face as he went on.

“Didn’t know Playcolt made books.”

Author Notes And Thank You Notes

Ah jeez, did I make this too sexual?

No I’m serious, I was actually thinking that at some point during this, so thoughts on that would be loved with all my heart, as any other comments would be. Not a whole lot else on that subject though…

To The Ponies Who Made This Chapter Possible;

-Thank You Garino, once again, for your lovely suggestion of Poison Joke. I hope you liked my take on it.

-Thank You Kiue Jin, I loved the statue idea, please say you loved it?

-Max The Loco, Oh my Celestia! I’m so sorry I forgot to thank you last chapter, you’re idea with eating all of the cake was fun to make happen, thank you big time!

-Lucky Roll, you suggested making Sweetie Belle a chef, and it actually sparked the entire CMC Scene, thanks a lot buddy!

-Inferno Demon Dash, you actually contributed nothing to the story per say, but the whole fan girlish thing you pulled really threw my confidence in this thing higher up there, so thanks!

-Every single brony and pony who reads this and my other stories. It literally would not be possible for any of these stories and chapters to come to being if it weren’t for your love and support, for that, I love and thank you all so very much from the bottom of my soul and stuff!

Important Information

I will be going on a trip to visit family in Hawaii on Monday, July 2nd and I won’t be back until July 21st at the latest, so if there aren’t any updates in that time period, please don’t abandon reading this story, I am NOT dropping it. I’ll just be busy seeing family, ok?

Sincerely With Lots of Love,

Roxxi