Fifty Shades of Purple

by RainbowsAreMagic

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1028

Years into the future, Twilight is horrified to discover that the ponies of Equestria have written erotic fiction about her.

Years into the future, Twilight is horrified to discover that the ponies of Equestria have written erotic fiction about her.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-15 21:57:44 UTC

The First and Last

50 Shades of Purple

RainbowsAreMagic

Fic concept: Years into the future, Twilight is horrified to discover that the ponies of Equestria have written erotic fiction about her.

do it ram

Don’t do it ram

Kick: Deceased by Oblivion2k [do it ram]

It was a bright, sunny day in Ponyville, a few years after the ascension of the new Princess Twilight Sparkle. She was on her way to go get groceries – she liked to keep up with the world and keep in touch with the people around her, as befit a princess of friendship - when she stopped by the bookstore, and thought she’d take a look. In the wake of her ascension and the subsequent destruction of the library, a number of bookstores had appeared throughout Ponyville as ponies began to take more of an interest in reading. After all, if the new princess enjoyed it, there must be something to it, right?

Anyway, she was on her way home from getting groceries, and she stopped by the bookstore. That’s when she saw it: a new book had come out, entitled Fifty Shades of Purple, with a picture of her on the cover. Clearly, this was another biography of her. Twilight never minded reading what other ponies had to say about her; often she gained valuable insights from other ponies’ perspectives. Accordingly, she picked up a copy, ignoring the odd looks from the other patrons of the store. Surely an interest in what other ponies thought about her wasn’t that unusual, right? As always when she got a new book, she put it on her monthly tab, and went along her way, the top of the book poking out of her saddlebags.

Twilight never noticed the strange looks she got on her way home. She was too busy thinking about her new book, and maybe a sandwich with hay fries for lunch.

Sandwich procured, she sat down and began to read.

“I never did that with Rainbow Dash, or anyone else for that matter…”

“What is this supposed to be, anyway?”

“Is this seriously erotic fiction about my friends and myself?

“That is not anatomically possible!”

“This is not even well-written erotic fiction! How did this get to printing?”

After an hour or two, Twilight Sparkle abruptly slammed the book closed, startling Spike, her dragon assistant, from the next room over. He quickly walked over, concerned.

“What’s wrong, Twilight? Did you drink hot sauce by mistake again?”

“No. Why would you think that?” Twilight asked, trying to be casual.

“It’s just that I’ve never seen your face so red before.” Spike’s apparent concern did little to alleviate the fact that Twilight had just been reading what was clearly smut, about herself, no less. Narcissism she could handle, but this was a little bit much. Not to mention the fact that his comment about hot sauce reminded her altogether too much of a couple more-than-steamy scenes in the book.

“Um, nothing, Spike. Maybe another time, okay?” Twilight quickly reassured the dragon, but this did nothing but confirm his rising suspicions.

“You were reading smut, weren’t you?” Then he saw the treacherous cover of the book and whistled. “About yourself? Wow, Twilight, I didn’t know you were into that, but you know you could always use Starswirl the Bearded’s time travel spell to, you know…”

“I don’t even want to think about that! Nope! Nope! Not going to happen!” If anything, Twilight’s face grew redder as her traitor mind produced images of unthinkable acts and lewd spells cast on herself, not to mention the fact that she could enjoy it twice, once on each end of the time spell.

Spike grinned, as he pushed his luck. “Okay Twilight, but if you ever want to experiment, you know where to find me. You know, for science, of course.”

“No! Just no! Absolutely not going to happen! Out of my bedroom, Spike!” Twilight was sickened at the thought of pursuing… interspecies… carnal… relations with Spike, who while technically mature after these long years, would always be a baby dragon in her mind.

As soon as he left, she found a trashcan and threw up. The book of smut went into the can after it, but the images it left in her mind of her and her perfectly mundane relationships with her friends, who she was sure would never do some of the things depicted in that abomination of a book, would unfortunately stay forever.

Her friends, she knew, would never do such things.

Okay, Rainbow Dash maybe, but Fluttershy in leather with a whip? It was just too big of a stretch. Whoever had written this book clearly didn’t know a lot about her original friends from the Pre-Ascension era, although they did seem to know quite a bit about Twilight. It was kind of creepy, really. How could anyone know so much about her personal life? They even had the layout of the library from before it burned down!

Twilight pushed these thoughts aside, and took out the trash herself, not wanting anyone else to see the evidence of her misadventure. No one could know… except the people in the bookstore, and, she supposed, the people who probably saw the book on her way home, and Spike… By morning all Equestria would probably know that Twilight had been reading smut about herself. It was unfortunate, but there was nothing she could do to hide it now. All she could really do was damage control at this point, and perhaps purifying the shelves of this travesty of writing that somehow managed to reach print despite its wild inaccuracies and unforgivable grammar. Not to mention the subject matter.

There was only one thing Twilight could think of to do. “Spike!”

Spike quickly found her, as he always did. “Did you change your mind, Twilight? Do you want to try a dragon after all?” He winked at her.

Twilight visibly flinched. “NO! Spike, take a letter, please.” The dragon quickly produced a pen and a scroll, Twilight knew not from where. She didn’t question these things.

“Dear Princess Celestia, what is your policy on censorship?”