Author's Note
Something something memes.
Ima Gun God
The glistening city of Canterlot, a monument to all that ponykind had done, sat where it normally sat, on the side of a mountain. Ponies of all kinds, Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth ponies were all going about their daily business. Hawkers cried their wares to those passing by, and those with coin to spend took time from their schedule to look them over. The bustle and hubbub of the city was a din to those not normally accustomed to it, but to Celestia, who stood on her balcony high above, it was the sound of life. Sighing contentedly, she looked at the sun, high in the sky from where she had raised it hours earlier and walked back inside. As much as she wished to continue on relaxing, there was much work to be done today.
As she sat down at her desk and began to go over the myriad of papers littering her desk, she heard a faint *bang* noise and the castle beneath her rumbled just a bit ominously. Celestia thought for a moment if she could investigate, but she decided that every pony else could handle it, there was too much work to be done. Just as she picked up her quill, she heard one more thing, so distant she barely registered it; some kind of horn.
~~~
Yung Venuz paused for just a moment to survey the situation beyond the wall the portal had spat them out behind. The snow all around was enough to affirm they were in the Frozen City yet again. Around the wall, the situation was no different than it normally was: Snowbots, Robot Wolves and Snow Tanks were afoot, milling about aimlessly. One thing that caught Y.V.'s attention was one of the Snow Tanks that was covered in gold plating. If they could have smiled they would have. Hefting their shovel and checking that their assault slugger was fully loaded, they charged out into the fray. Swinging their shovel with their Long Arms, the blade caught several of the Wolves and Snowbots in the swipe, and they flew backwards, collapsing. As they fell, Y.V.'s Trigger Fingers twitched, and they swung the shovel once more to deflect some bullets that the Golden Snow Tank was shooting their way. Taking out their assault slugger and pulling the trigger multiple times, they shot out six slugs into the tank, and it exploded instantly, taking down several of the Snowbots near it.
After the Golden Snow Tank was out of the play, Y.V. had no trouble mopping up the rest of the robots on the level. Just as they was getting towards the end, however, they noticed a small engraving on one of the walls near a frozen lamppost. Walking over, making sure to keep their eye open for any more robots that would need pop-popping, they noticed that the engraving was of a Snowbot, but not made out of metal. Shrugging, Y.V. slashed their shovel at it, and had no chance to react as the loud *bang* of a portal opening sounded and the air opened up into a portal like they had never seen before. Normally, they were colored purple. This one, though, was colored in bright and dark shades of gold. As they were sucked in, Y.V. took the split second they had and fired off theirairhorn once more.
~~~
An airhorn played as Y.V. was unceremoniously dumped out into their next location. Raising their shovel once more, they took their surroundings in at a glance. All around the were four-legged creatures with strangely ornate armor, giving Y.V. what they assumed were shocked looks. The room they were in was fairly large, no bigger than they normally were in the palace. Wasting no time, Y.V. charged the nearest guard and swung their shovel at it, sending it flying across ornately decorative floor tiles with their Impact Wrists. Turning towards the next, the shovel was flying again, taking out two more creatures, and sending them flying away. One of the few creatures remaining standing stepped towards them and bared a glowing horn before it shot a glowing green projectile at Y.V. that they barely managed to dodge out of the way in time. As it hit the wall behind them, it exploded into a shower of rubble and dirt.
Charging the creature, who had now realized the error of their ways, Y.V. un-holstered their assault slugger and let off a normal shot. As it turned out, all three slugs were needed to take down the creature, yet it still died like the rest Y.V. had faced, and it began to bounce around the room at mach speeds, slamming into several over of the creatures, knocking them down. Turning around, Y.V. leveled their slugger at a flying creature that was barreling towards them and let loose another pop-pop. As it turned out, they were a split second too late, and the winged creature slammed a foot into them knocking them back, and taking about half of their HP in one shot. Y.V. took a moment to be thankful for their Rhino Skin, and began to mop up the remaining ponies in the room. Before he finished, they spotted a rad canister in a corner nearby, sitting next to an ammo crate. Swinging their shovel to break the canister, they broke open the crate and pulled out some shells for their assault slugger. Looking around, Y.V. spotted his last enemy, another of the creatures cowering in the corner across the room from them. Not missing a beat, Y.V. moved closer and swung his shovel, putting it down immediately. As its body stopped bouncing around, another golden portal opened, and they took this opportunity to spam their airhorn several times.
~~~
Celestia was in the process of working on the massive pile of papers on her desk when an urgent knock came at her door. Sighing and rubbing her temple, she called, "Come in!"
The pony that entered looked like any normal guard Celestia had employed around the palace, but his face was filled with terror. Smiling gently as to not alarm him, Celesta gestured for him to come closer. "What is it my little pony? You seem worried."
The pony elected not to move, and instead began to shake. "P-princess Celestia, th-there's a white eye-triangle killing all the guards in the main hall! Nothing can stop it, and it won't stop firing off airhorns! We did our best b-but it got away before reinforcements could arrive! What should we do?!"
Celestia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She knew her ponies had a reputation for vastly exaggerating matters, and she kept on her gentle smile. "I'm sure you're overreacting..." she gestured for his name, but a look of confusion came over his features and mingled with the terror that was already there. "Well, if you won't give me your name, I'll let you know I'm sure those guards are fine. And if there really is an intruder," she gave the guard a knowing smirk and winked "then you and your guards can handle him, I'm sure. Off you go now, I have work to do!~" Using her magic, she softly pushed him out of the door frame and closed the door on his face. While she didn't want to admit it, that description did sound slightly familiar.
Grimacing, she shook her head and started to work on sorting through the papers on her desk again. One thing was for sure, though; whoever this prankster was, they sure loved airhorns.
~~~
Y.V. flew from the portal into another room almost identical to the first, except that it was more narrow, and they couldn't see anything beyond where the corridor curved off. This gave them a brief moment to survey the walls and floor properly. The floors were white and golden, and everything was made out of stone. Along the walls, there were painting Props, featuring more of the creatures that were attacking them earlier. Hefting their shovel, they spotted a large Medkit directly ahead of them, and they walked in a straight line to it. Just for a moment, Y.V. thought something was wrong with where it was at, but didn't have time to follow up on the thought as it bit him twice in quick succession. Y.V. wasted no time in groaning and teleporting out, annoyed that they had been beaten so easily.
~~~
Celestia surveyed the damage grimly. She had vastly misjudged the situation. Thinking back just a few minutes, she cringed at how she had acted towards the guard who had first alerted her. She would have to find and... take care of him. Coming back to the present, Celestia counted a few dead who had yet to be covered. As she walked forward, her hoof brushed away something metal, and she saw small cylinders lying on the floor.
"Sister! I came as fast as I could!" Celestia looked up and saw Luna running towards her. "What..." as she took in the situation herself, her demeanor changed. "Who... what?" She leaned over and vomited. Celestia motioned the guards to hurry up, and they started moving even faster.
"I'm sorry sister, but I can promise that we will catch whoever did this, and make them pay.
~~~
Y.V., held down the triggers of their double minigun as soon as they spilled out of the portal, wasting no time in identifying a target and wiped out all of the four-legged creatures in the room, their Recycle Gland giving them back some bullets, and Lucky Shots filling up their super plasma cannon. Within seconds, everything around them was dead, but they were almost out of bullets. Spying an ammo and weapon crate nearby, they floated over and pulled out a heavy assault rifle, which they decided to take in favor of the ammo-wasting chainguns. They picked up some ammo and looked around for the last, obscure enemy who held the portal out. As predicted, it was just one, hiding in a corner. A quick burst finished him off.
The next level went as expected, though Y.V. was surprised there were no I.D.P.D. showing up, or that they had not encountered any Proto Statues. Still, that was not to dissuade them as they wiped out the enemies nearby, who were child's play compared to robots in the Frozen City. As the last one fell, a bang went off, and a portal opened to the boss level.
~~~
Celestia was working in daycourt, an unforgiving, thankless job, when an airhorn blared and a hole in the fabric of reality ripped open in front of her at the same time. She yelped and jumped back in fear, firing up a shield spell, forming a transparent gold barrier. Out of the hole, which closed just as quickly as it opened, spilled a white triangle with one giant eye in the center. For a minute, there was no movement or noise, as everypony around looked at the intruder. Celestia blinked. 'Wait a minute...'
"It's YOU!" she shouted, her voice so loud the walls cracked. The triangle reacted instantaneously, moving a metal object it had around its back and pulling out a blue one, pointing it towards her. Her shield flared bright gold and for a moment even she was blinded. Just a second later, when she could see again, her shield was gone, entirely, and there were many holes in the walls nearby. Everypony that had been around was dead and the triangle was staring at her without expression.
Stunned that her defenses had been broken so easily, she leapt into the air and fired a blast of energy, as intense as the sun at the triangle, hoping to annihilate it.
~~~
Y.V. stared at Celestia, standing atop a throne before them, not unlike the Nuclear Throne. They stared at it as they waited for their super plasma cannon to recharge. It had taken out the shield that was there and killed all the extra enemies around. As they started, the creature moved suddenly, and Y.V. did the same, dodging what they were sure was an incoming attack. Their instincts proved correct as a golden beam blasted where they floated just a minute before. Y.V. unholstered their heavy assault rifle and began to pump rounds into the thing, circle strafing it, hoping to preemptively dodge one of its attacks.
Other creatures entered the edges of the room, and Y.V. considered moving their attention to them, but they did not move to intervene, so Y.V. left them be. They were forced to refocus their efforts as a golden beam went off right next to them and began to follow them around the room. They stopped firing for a moment and focused purely on dodging, intent on beating this the first time through. As soon as the beam was gone, they began to fire once more.
Soon, even with their Recycle Gland working, they were out of bullets, so they pulled out their super plasma cannon and were about to fire off a blast when everything went gold around them, and they knew they were beaten. They groaned again, and teleported back to their mansion. Perhaps next time.
~~~
Celestia panted and gently lowered herself down to the floor, shaking. It was over, she had defeated the creature. Where it had stood was nothing but a black scorch mark where nothing stood. Ponies rushed up to her and began clamoring. She looked down and realized she had been shot multiple times. "How Pythagorean."
Silence. "Oh come on, that was funny!"
