I'm Offensive and I Take Offense

by Gapeagle

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Sex, Random
Length: 46427

Twilight and her friends arrive at a strange community where everypony seems...off. Whoops, the word "off" is too offensive.

(Trigger Warning) This fiction contains parody (if only) of modern social problems (woops, "problems" is not PC enough...so....uh..."dilemmas?").

(Trigger Warning) This fiction does not contain a lesbian, pansexual, asexual, bi-sexual, trans, or sexualsexual Main Six (We apologize in advance for having reasonable headcanons).

(Trigger Warning) For Go...(can't say the word "God" so uhhh) For Celesti....She's off too!? Bloody Hell (I don't give a shi-)! Get on with it!!! Read the freakin' story!

Twilight and her friends have been summoned by the Cutie Map to a strange community where everypony seems to be offended by even the wind going through their manes. Can our heroes understand the reasoning behind this madness? Can anypony for that matter? Does the author have enough privilege points to write this type of fiction? Tune in next time on Dragon Bal- Oh...lost my place for a second.

Go ahead and prepare to be offended by this parody!

Published 2015-12-05 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-13 01:32:50 UTC

So, Where to Now?

So, Where to Now?

The equal ponies all looked about before scratching their heads in unified confusion. After the six mares (of which there was the diversity of two pegasi, two earth, one alicorn, and one unicorn) took their spokesmare, the community did not know what to do.

"Um, not to offend, but what do we do now?" one equal mare asked worriedly.

"I guess we can go and get her back?" another suggested.

"We should go on strike against Celestia!" Party Favor stomped his hooves. "That'll show them!"

"Protest in the streets!" Double Diamond joined in.

"Make her resign!" they all cheered.

"She's fine, she's a unicorn," Night Glider said. "Unicorns don't get in trouble, remember?"

Party Favor nodded. "I forgot. Forgive me! Starlight's not worth it. She's just a privileged unicorn."

The equal ponies began to disperse again after their very short meeting. One cheerful mare pony jumped up and grabbed the attention of the others.

"Hey! We should build a pool! That'd be loads of fun,"

"Shut up, Dinks!" Double Diamond silenced her. "A pool would discriminate against ponies who can't swim."

Dinks blinked in confusion. "But...who here can't swim?"

"Oi!" Sugar Belle exclaimed. "Now you want to expose them? Make them come out to laugh at? How dare you, Dinks! You're so mean, you're breaking my heart!"

"I didn't mean anythin-"

"Of course ya didn't, you jerk!" Party Favor growled. "Since Starlight isn't here to put you in the House, I'll do it myself."

Dinks was grabbed by her tail and dragged to a small house with small windows. She yelled apologies the whole way, but they were useless against the blue unicorn (who was flaunting his privilege, of course).

"I didn't mean to offend!" were her last words before being locked up.

"Oh no!" an equal stallion gasped. "We're already breaking apart without Starlight's guidance! The end is near!"

"Be quiet," Double Diamond ordered. "We just lost one unicorn. If we lost a pegasus, I'd agree with you."

"Actually," a mare started, "we are arguing 15% more than usual. Starlight's presence may be more important than we believe. Just expressing my opinion, but I think we should get her back."

Double Diamond sighed. "I guess you're right. We'll need protest signs, lots of 'em. Night Glider will be our spokesmare. She's a minority and vocal about it. All the unicorns, take the back."

All the equal ponies quickly gathered and headed out of the village as a mob. Shouts of rage and anger emitted from them as they ran to the train tracks. The quiet village soon became dead with silence except a single, low knocking on a door.

"Uhh...Is anypony out there?" Dinks asked worriedly.

~

Author's Note

Do not expect this to be some story. Just felt like adding some random things to it here or there.

Poor Dinks...

-Cheers for That!

What About Spike?

What About Spike?

"I wonder how my village is doing without me," Starlight muttered.

"I'm sure they can handle keeping up...whatever it was that you guys were trying to keep up," Twilight replied.

"I hope so..."

Starlight was sitting on Fluttershy's throne in Twilight's castle. After a brief talk with Celestia, they decided not to imprison Starlight, but let her be under a sort of house arrest instead. This decision made Twilight wonder if she was the victim in all of this.

Twilight sipped her morning coffee. Starlight only drank water and a strict vegan diet. Twilight couldn't serve her half of what was stored in the castle's massive pantry. Any sort of animal product was a no, even eggs. Twilight loved eggs. She couldn't understand the pink unicorn, but she had to remind herself that that was no reason to be mean to her.

"So how has your day gone?" she asked the air more than Starlight.

"The sun's barely up and you ask me that?" Starlight scoffed.

"I was just being polite..."

"Well don't!" Starlight hissed, but then paused. "I am a victim here. You guys ripped me from my equal utopia and try to brainwash me with your bigotry and ignorance. You took me from my safe space."

Twilight rolled her eyes (for some reason, this was not a microaggressional action) at the unicorn. Starlight raised her head and crossed her front legs in an aggravated manner. There was a span of silence between them. This silence was broken when a sleepy Spike walked in.

"Hey guys, good morning," he sleepily said.

"Ah, so my little dragon's up," Twilight perked up.

"You bigot!" Starlight predictably fired back. "He's not a dragon, he's a pony."

The other two paused and looked at her. They could see Starlight was serious in her statement. Twilight replayed the words in her head before speaking.

"Uh...no, he's a dragon," she said slowly.

"There you go again with your nonacceptance. He's a pony," Starlight stated again.

Twilight became frustrated. "He doesn't look like a pony."

"But he identifies as one. So he is one," Starlight explained.

"Identifies?"

"Yes, he said he has the heart of a pony in a dragon's body. This makes him a pony, not a dragon. He should be referred to as a pony," Starlight continued.

"I do?" Spike questioned the air.

"Well, I get that, but he's still a dragon. Heck, his last name is 'The Dragon.' So he should be referred to as a dragon," was Twilight's counterpoint.

"You moron!" Starlight insulted. "Your ignorance is showing. You are cruel to trans-species."

"Trans-species? Is that even a real word?" Twilight blinked.

"Well, if it's not in the dictionary, that is discrimination against trans-species too," Starlight huffed.

"I can't understand..." Twilight rubbed her temples.

"Step aside, Twi, I got this," Spike said confidently.

He cleared his throat and continued. "Starlight, I believe that since I have been raised exclusively by privileged ponies I, indeed, have the heart of a pony. However, I still identify with the species I was born in. So I would prefer being called a dragon still."

Starlight nodded in understanding. "I see. My apologizes for speaking on your behalf. I was simply trying to protect you.

"Well, no protection needed," Spike told her. "I'm confident in who I am."

"Wonderful," Starlight smiled.

Twilight's mouth hung open. "What just happened."

"Something you're too stupid to understand," Starlight instantly growled.

"Hey Twilight, do you know what I am?" Spike smiled deviously. "I identify as a dragon, yet I'm sexually attracted to ponies. Starlight what would you call me?"

Starlight was about to answer and then paused. "I'm not sure. Is there a term for cross-species attraction? Well, there probably is (or should be). For the time being, you're pansexual!"

"I'm pansexual, Twilight!" Spike jumped up in joy.

"Spike!??!" Twilight yelled.

~

Author's Note

What is this nonsense?

Well, nonsense of course, what else would it be?

We'll host Spike's coming out party later......oh wait, he's been out since the show started. Nevermind.

My Little Protesters

My Little Protesters

"Sister! Sister!"

Luna scrambled through the palace hallways at a reckless speed. A wicked grin was plastered on her face. She was going to tell her sister the good news about what was transpiring outside.

She screeched to a halt in the doorway of Celestia's bedroom. The Princess of the Sun was resting on her bed, reading a thick novel. It was her midday break and this was how she enjoyed spending them.

"What is it, Luna?" Celestia asked as she sipped some tea.

Luna did not take a breath and answered loudly. "Dear sister, the peasants are rioting right outside the palace. Do not fret! I have already ordered the guards to be posted on the walls and to rain a fury of arrows upon them. That'll teach the peasants not to revolt against divine authority!"

Celestia was appalled. "Luna, you can't-"

"We shall block out the sun with shafts!"

"Luna!"

"Revolt they say? We are the Royal Sisters!"

"Luna!" Celestia yelled louder.

The Princess of the Night was silenced by the elder's booming voice. Luna blinked a couple of seconds before raising her brow in confusion at her sister.

"What, Tia?" she asked cautiously.

"We don't that anymore. Dismiss the guards at once."

Luna was about to respond when a royal guard came galloping down the hall to her. Both princesses watched him jump to a stop and pant from exhaustion. He lifted his hood up to tell them to wait as he gathered his breath.

"The...the protesters..." he panted, "they want..."

"They want what?" Luna hissed. "You are so out of shape. The messenger from the Battle at Marethon would be rolling in his early grave because of you."

"Luna, let him speak," Celestia patiently told her.

"They...they want Princess Celestia...to resign!" he finished dramatically.

"Resign?" both sisters said at once.

"Indeed. They have a list of demands and all. Very peculiar, but I think you should speak with them."

Luna neighed in excitement. "They want Tia to resign? Most wondrous of news! Guard, make short and fetch me one of their signs. I shall join them in their gallant protesting shortly!"

The younger princess than galloped away, leaving the guard and Celestia to glance at each other awkwardly. After sipping her tea calmly she sighed.

Celestia pointed her leg at the door. "Go follow her and make sure she doesn't do anything...foolish."

"Down with white alicorn supremacy!"

"Down with the Tetrarchy!"

"Alicorn rule only? No diversity!"

"Wings + horn? No go!"

"What do we want? Resignation!" When do we want it? Now!"

"Stop the oppression!"

"Down with the .00000001%!"

"Celestia: Mother of the Matriarchy!"

"Celestia approves of Cutie Marks!"

"Celestia should recant her alicorn privilege!"

"The sun and moon move on their own! Celestia = fraud!"

"Where was she during the Sacking of Cloudsdale?!"

"Makes statue of Clover the Clever, but never Commander Hurricane. Proof of racial inequality!"

Celestia rolled her eyes as she stepped out of the palace and onto the large steps that led up to the massive door. There, no more than 70 lackluster ponies (and one vibrant blue alicorn) were shouting and waving large cardboard signs.

She cleared her throat before throwing it over the small mass. "What is the reason for your protests, my little ponies?"

"How dare ya call of us 'little.' That's offensive against dwarf ponies!" an equal pony shouted.

"Alright, I did not mean it. Now answer me."

Night Glider flew over the protesters and landed right in front of Celestia. "We're goin' to protest until you resign!"

"Resign? Whatever for? Did I do something?" Celestia asked patiently.

"You threw me to the moon!" Luna shouted.

"For reasons you know well," Celestia rolled her eyes. "Now get out of here."

Luna pouted and put her sign (which read "Blame white ~~All~~ Alicorns") and slowly made her way out of the protesters and back into the palace. Her head was hung low and she sighed a long, dramatic sigh.

"You have been leading Equestria for over a thousand years!" Double Diamond yelled. "And throughout all that time, you've instilled bigotry, hate, and alicorn supremacy!"

She replied motherly. "Yes, I've been leading Equestria for that long and this country still has not gone into debt....for long periods of time. I've made mistakes, yes, but nothing that I couldn't fix later."

Night Glider jumped up and hovered to Celestia's eye level. "Oh yeah! you may have helped this country financially, but what about morally? All of society thinks they gotta become an alicorn to rule now. Something only an alicorn can grant and something only a unicorn can get!"

"Princess Cadance was a pegasus. Get your facts straight," Celestia said simply.

"Well, maybe!" Night Glider huffed. "You still only let alicorns rule and unicorns be in second place. Name one non-unicorn prince?"

"Well, there's one from Maretonia..."

"Exactly! No Equestrian princes are non-unicorn! This is proof of racism in the system."

"And you know how you got the rank of princess?" Party Favor spoke up. "By exploiting the workers, by clinging on to old imperial dogmas that perpetuate the social and economic differences in our society!"

The princess blinked in confusion. "No, I can move the sun. Watch!"

Celestia made the sun go over the horizon and back over again, screwing up calendars everywhere. The protesters were unimpressed with her magic and held fast.

"Alright, ya can do that, but is that a reason to be princess?" Sugar Belle asked harshly.

"....Yes."

"You see? This is all based on magical talent, nothing else!" Double Diamond exclaimed.

Celestia paused a moment. "Wait! You are all Starlight's ponies. You have to be. She said you have no leaders in your village. What makes you think you can out the leader of a nation?"

"We have no leaders," Favor started, "but we do have a government. We are an autonomous collective. We take turns as executive representatives and meet up on Tuesdays an-"

"I don't care about your system!" Celestia facehoofed.

"Fine, but we know one thing: You being a powerful alicorn granting wings and horns to young mares is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from the mandate-"

"Quiet!" You're really getting on my nerves!" Celestia growled and magically threw the blue unicorn far away.

"Oi! Only Starlight can shut us up!" Diamond yelled. "Stop treating us like we're inferiors!"

"I am your princess! I can move the heavenly bodies. I did so for a thousand years by myself! I...you know what? You win! I'm resigning. You ponies are so freakin' ungrateful for all my work. All my bloody time and effort and you guys come right to my door and throw it all back in my face with your incessant quibbling. I've had enough. Go ahead, mess up Equestria. Fall into trillions of debt without me. I don't care. At. All."

The protesters all held their mouths open in shock. "You for real?" Night Glider asked first.

"Absolutely. You all can take it from here. Get your demands out and everything. Don't ask me though, I have no power anymore. See you later in the Marebbean!"

Celestia disappeared in a bright flash. The protesters all looked at each other in confusion. None went to help their unicorn friend as he was knocked out on the side of a fountain. They all sort of glanced about, not knowing what to do next.

"Was that supposed to work?" Sugar Belle asked.

"I didn't think it would work..." Double Diamond gasped. "We just overthrew an imperial tyrant..."

"Starlight's gonna be proud of us!" Night Glider pumped a hoof in the air.

"Weren't we here to get Starlight?" an equal mare asked.

~

"I'm still in here! Guys. Please don't forget me..." Dinks uttered helplessly. "Or my pool idea...."

Author's Note

"Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

Fun Fact: This whole story actually started as a retelling of the Monty Python peasant scene with Starlight being the peasant (AKA Dennis) and Twilight being King Arthur. If you want that to be a bonus chapter, request away.

Bonus: Now For Something Completely Different

Bonus: Now For Something Completely Different

Twilight was prancing about with her head high through the semi-desert land. Spike, the poor assistant, was carrying a traveling pack that was at least three times larger than his small and scaly body. He struggled with every step, but kept a cheerful smile on his face.

Where were they going? Well...Perhaps we should just say the Map sent them here? Yes, that'll do just nicely. So, ahem, they were on a journey granted to them by the Cutie Map.

"I think we're lost, Spike," Twilight announced unusually loudly. "I say, we should ask for directions!"

"That sounds reasonable, Princess," Spike panted from behind.

"There!" Twilight boldly pointed. "An old stallion pulling a cart! He'll know where to go."

Twilight slightly quickened her prancing towards the old stallion that was covered in a brown, ugly cloak. The cart appeared to be full of mud, but it could have been something else. The Princess of Friendship did not care, however, and ran alongside the pony.

"Good day, old stallion," she began.

"I'm not a stallion," the pony replied. "I'm a mare, thank you."

"I apologize, from behind you looked awfully like-"

"I'm 32. I'm not old either," the mare continued.

"Well, I just can't call you 'mare,'" Twilight muttered.

"I'm Starlight. You could call me that!" the mare hissed.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Well, I didn't know your name."

Starlight grumbled. "You didn't even try to figure it out..."

"I apologized, alright?"

Starlight stopped pulling the cart. "What I object is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."

"Well, I am Princess!" Twilight replied.

Starlight gave her a sarcastic smile. "Ohhh "Princess," that's very nice!"

"Why are you being so rude-"

Starlight pointed a nagging hoof at Twilight's fluffy chest. "And how did you get that rank, huh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperial dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever gonna be any progress-"

A mare with a curly mane crawled up towards them. "Starlight! There's some lovely muffin filth over here!"

The crazy mare began putting her hooves in the mud before gasping upon seeing Twilight. "How do ya do?"

Twilight forced a smile. "Very good, madame! Let me introduce myself. I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship."

The mare lifted her hooves out of the mud. "Princess of what?"

Twilight blinked. "Friendship!"

"Now what does that make you rule?"

"Why, us!" Twilight responded. "You, her and all around. I rule over you all."

The mare frowned. " I didn't know we had a princess... I thought we were an autonomous collective."

Starlight joined the mare in messing with the muffin filth. "You're fooling yourself, Sugar Belle. We're living under a dictatorship set up by a tetrarchy of alicorn maidens that believe they possess the powers of a god! They are loony! This self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class-"

"There ya go, bringing 'class' into all this!" Sugar Belle huffed.

"But that's what it's all about! It's not my fault that we can never ascend to any leadership positions because we lack some magical nonsense!" Starlight complained.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Please! I am on an important mission! I require you two to grant me directions!"

"Why should we do that?" Sugar Belle demanded.

"Oh!" Twilight huffed. "Just show me your leader! Perhaps she would be kinder-"

Sugar Belle interrupted the princess. "We don't have a leader."

"What?" Twilight and Spike gasped.

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I told you, we are an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as an executive officer for the week. But all decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting by a simple majority in case of internal affairs. But by 2/3's majority..."

"Be QUIET!" Twilight barked. "I order you to be quiet!"

Starlight crossed her front legs in aggravation. Sugar Belle paused from messing with the filth. "Order? Who does she think she is?"

"I am the Princess of Friendship!"

"I didn't vote for you..." Sugar Belle chuckled.

"You don't vote for princesses," Starlight whispered.

Sugar Belle then addressed Twilight. "How'd ya become princess, then?"

Twilight took a deep breath and shifted her pose to be dramatic. "Celestia, the Princess of the Sun, granted me princesshood when I completed Starswirl's spell, which had remained incomplete for a thousand years. Being the only pony to ever complete it, I, Twilight Sparkle, was destined to bring friendship to Equestria!"

Starlight was appalled. "Strange white alicorns from the sun distributing pairs of wings to magical mares is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some stupid solar ceremony."

"Oh will you be quiet!" Twilight hissed.

"And ya ain't bringing 'friendship' anywhere with that attitude!" Starlight mocked.

"I am the Princess of Frienship!"

Starlight shrugged. "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power because some sun-baked, cake-eating twat threw a pair of pretty wings at you for the sake of selling merchandise."

"Shut up!"

Starlight ignored her. "If I went around saying that I was an empress because some narcissistic, gothic bimbo with a moon fetish lobbed a pair of bat wings at me, they'd lock me up!"

"That's it!"

Twilight marched over to Starlight and grabbed her with her magic. Starlight gasped as she was levitated in the air. Her pink legs started flailing about in the magical grasp.

"Now we see the violence inherent in the system!" she panicked.

"Shut up!"

"Come see the violence inherent in the system," Starlight yelled to ponies that were around. "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"You bloody, insolent mare!"

"What a giveaway!" she pointed a hoof at Twilight. "Did you not hear that?"

Twilight dropped the mare into the muffin filth. "You're not worth my time! I don't need your directions! I am the Princess of Friendship! I can last without your help."

Sugar Belle and Starlight delightfully watched the princess and her dragon go away. Sugar Belle then returned to messing with the filth that was on the ground.

"Oi! I think we hit the jackpot, Starlight! This is gonna be a good batch of muffins!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, maybe the best yet," Starlight grinned.

~

Author's Note

We apologize for the plagiarism of "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail." The writer of this chapter has been thoroughly and utterly sacked.

We will return to normal chapters after these messages.

We Are Pro-Equality

"Haha! Dear Sister is gone! Now I shall rule the land, FOREVER! Hahaha!"

Luna did several hoof pumps in the air to display her tremendous joy. Celestia was gone! Luna was now the supreme princess of Equestria! With incessant giggling and squeals of delight, Luna hopped around her palace bedroom.

That was, until a Royal Guard knocked on the door frame, trying to get her attention.

"Uh...Your Highness? I have a message," he nervously said.

Luna paused in her celebration. "What is it? Is it good or ill news?"

"Well, good for some, ill for you," he replied.

"Then spit it out, naive!" Luna barked before softening her voice. "I mean, go on and read it, my humble guard."

The guard blinked before levitating a piece of paper in front of him. "Due to Luna's pro-slavery views in the year 67 B.C.E, she and any symbols of her (i.e. cutie mark, crescent moon, etc) have been banned from public eye due to offensiveness. Any symbols of her will now be viewed as pro-slavery symbolism and pro-bigot propaganda. Signed....Everypony with a soul."

Luna was aghast. "What!? But I am no longer pro-slavery! That was just when I was young and foolish with power. By what power do the ponies have to banish my name?"

"I guess the power of the masses, Your Highness," the Royal Guard shrugged.

"And what is this 'B.C.E'? Should it not be B.C.R.?"

"Well, you see, those equal protesters have issued that Before/After Celestial Reign is offensive to those who don't believe in you or your sister's divine right to rule. So, to be equal, we are now using Before/After Common Era."

"That's stupid and unnecessary."

The guard shrugged once more. "I'm just the messenger."

"Who gave all this power to the protesters?!"

"Why, that would be your sister."

Party Favor sighed in an non-offensive way. Him and the other equal ponies inspected the hall of the Royal Palace. The white alicorn that used to live there was indeed privileged.

"All this money sitting in this palace and not spreading the wealth, it makes me mad," Night Glider crossed her front legs.

"Look at these stained glass windows," said Double Diamond. "What nationalistic propaganda! Only the ignorant would believe these things! Anypony with sense would know that Equestria is a horrible empire that is taking land away from other species!"

"And most of the Royal Guards are white unicorns!" Sugar Belle moaned. "Could there be any less diversity in this neo-fascist society?"

Luna came storming down the palace steps and into the hall. Her face red with anger and her pupils so small that she appeared most insane. The equal ponies took instant notice of her and stared at her with stubborn eyes.

"How dare you!" Luna screamed. "How dare you ban me and my image from my own nation!"

"Do not blame us, you dictator!" Party Favor shot back. "Blame yourself. It is you who promoted slavery and eternal night!"

"I am a different pony!"

Part Favor laughed. "Ha! You dealt with Celestia tightly. You and her are both tyrants! Equestria is now a land of equality, we have no place for alicorn jerks who wish to repress the working class and those less privileged. So either recant your privilege or be a synonym for 'bigot' for the rest of your life!"

"I see why Tia left..."

"You are a symbol of cruel dictatorship and slavery!" he continued. "Not only would it be offensive to ponies to let you carry on, but it would be proof that alicorns can get away with anything. We shall no longer be under the rule of a dictator! The alicorn supremacy and inherent racism in the system must come to an end and anyone who challenges it is the reason why this world sucks!"

"Let's take her down!" an equal stallion yelled.

"Tie her up!"

"Burn her!" an equal mare suggested.

"We can't burn her," Sugar Belle said. "That would be offensive to some cultures."

"Oh yeah..."

Luna picked them all up and opened a palace window. Before any of them knew it, all the equal ponies were promptly chucked out through the window. Their pitiful screams all ended with loud thuds and only groans and moans followed. Luna simply grunted in approval and smiled.

"That was easy," she said.

"Easy is an offensive word for mares!" an equal stallion cried out from far below.

Luna rolled her eyes. "What will they do next, ban simple exercises? Truly pathetic."

A Royal Guard cleared his throat. "Well, they already banned yoga for being offensive to the non-bendy."

"Oh no! Not my nightly yoga classes!" Luna gasped. "Those fiends!"

"And Nightmare Night for celebrating tyranny and slavery and also being offensive to superstitious cultures," he added.

"Anything else?"

"Yup, Hearth's Warming is banned for celebrating ponies invading Equestria and displacing the native population."

"By Celestia!" Luna yelled.

"That's an offensive phrase!" an equal mare shouted through a groan of pain.

"Falling through windows triggered terrible flashbacks to my childhood," Night Glider said. "Oh....bloody windows..."

~

Author's Note

Now for the punch-line

Yeah, I tried my best, but trying is attempting to excel, thus offensive to Starlight's PC culture.

Karma

Karma

Rarity was peacefully sipping her early morning tea. Everything was just right. The birds were singing, the day was sunny and bright, and Sweetie Belle was not there to annoy her. Yes, everything was just right. So, like every perfect morning, it started with a nice cup of tea and a good hearty breakfast.

She took another sip and levitated the morning newspaper to read. Bold letters describing how Celestia moved down to the tropical islands and how Luna was fighting a bunch of protesting ponies were all that the paper described. This made Rarity sigh, it as all the same o' same o'.

She was about to take a bite out of her lemon muffin when she started hearing the sound of hammering right outside her door. Who could it be? She gently placed the muffin down and rose from her chair. It was unusual for anypony to be working like that in front of the Boutique.

Rarity reached the front door and magically opened it. There, in her front yard was Starlight Glimmer, using her hoofs (not her unicorn magic) to hammer a large wooden sign into the ground. Rarity could not read the sign as it was facing away from her and towards the quiet street. She blinked in confusion as the peculiar pink unicorn continued to hammer away.

"Umm...Uh...Good morning?" Rarity said hesitantly.

Starlight did not reply and kept hammering.

"Starlight, what are you doing?" Rarity asked with the same hesitation.

"Giving you the karma you deserve," she replied and then looked up. "Wait...karma is not associated with all cultures. Mustn't use karma, it could be offensive," she told herself robotically.

"May I ask how?" Rarity took a step out of her home.

"Well, it's time to boycott your racist, homophobic business. You're a racist heterosexual unicorn trying to take advantage of others in this capitalistic society. Jerks like you shouldn't succeed," Starlight finished hammering and leaned on the hammer with a smug look.

"Racist? Moi?" Rarity sounded shock.

Starlight chuckled. "Oh please, because you're so privileged and white, you think yourself better than other ponies and even other species. We have recordings of you saying racist things about pegasi, earth ponies, and mules, but never unicorns...wonder why?" she finished sarcastically.

"When did I ever say anything about pegasi?" Rarity raised a brow.

"You called them brutes," Starlight answered.

"Well, some are, but not all! Also, that was in a play!" Rarity rolled her eyes.

"You called earth ponies uncouth."

"That's only the Apple family."

"And mules ugly."

"Alright, I admit to that."

"See! You are racist and inconsiderate!" Starlight pointed a harsh hoof. "That's why you should be boycotted. Ponies like you should be ran out of business!"

"When have I been homophobic?"

Starlight frowned and she started tapping her chin in thought. "Uhhh...I'm trying to remember. Aha! You refused to make a stallion's wedding dress!"

"That's never happened, dear."

"It didn't?" Starlight's ears flopped to the sides before collected herself. "Wait! Of course they did! I read about it!"

"Not everything you read is true..."

"Yeah, but you bigoted ponies read all your own false tales and hurt ponies based off them!"

"Of course they do. Starlight, ponies read what they want to hear, never what they should hear."

"Huh?" Starlight grunted confusedly.

"Forget it, darling."

"That reminds me!" Starlight pointed again. "You embrace the mare stereotype of dresses, fashion, tea parties, and all around girliness! You teach our poor fillies that they need to be as pink and frilly as you!"

"You're the pink one," Rarity commented simply.

"My coat color has nothing to do with this!"

"Starlight, my dear, what is wrong with my personality and interests? I am more than a simple fashionista, I am a businessmare! I do not teach that fillies should hang around in dresses and stuff, I am an example of how a mare takes control of her life and makes money out of it! I am a lady, Starlight, that means I can handle the stress of life with grace and ambition. Is it wrong that I have made a business out of something I am passionate about?"

"Of course it is!" Starlight barked before pausing. "Wait...uhh..."

"If fillies want to be tomcolts or not be refined, then so be it! I have had my troubles with mares like Rainbow Dash and Applejack. They are indeed uncouth, but I rather have them no different than who they are. I, however, prefer the high society life. I find it fascinating and inspiring. I could make more rustic apparel for such mares like Applejack, but I simply do not find enjoyment in that. I rather be superficial and elegant."

"Fine! But that doesn't change the fact that you wish to go with every stallion you meet! You are always looking for a stallion! You're not only a gold digger, but you try to seduce and take advantage of every heterosexual and bisexual stallion you meet!"

"Oh please, that's my personal life, Starlight. It does not affect you in any way. I do want a companion. Is it wrong that I will only seek capable stallions because I want to live with them forever? And I've only seduced stallions a couple of times, it's a naughty trick, but I'll use it when necessary. None of these accusations of yours are in any way worthy of tearing my business to the ground!"

"Oh yeah-"

"STARLIGHT!"

Both unicorns jumped as they saw an angry Twilight come trotting down the road to them. The princess was levitating a rolled up newspaper and her steps were more like stomps. Starlight gulped loudly and hid the hammer behind her.

"Starlight! What are you doing?!" Twilight yelled in Starlight's face.

"Uhh...nothing?" she made an innocent smile.

Twilight looked at the sign and her eyes widened. "What is THAT?!"

Starlight quit the act. "This is a peaceful protest against Rarity's Boutique."

"With that?" Twilight pointed at the sign.

Starlight nodded. "Yes."

Twilight turned the sign around to let Rarity see. There in big black letters wrote RARITY IS A WHORE followed by several exclamation points. Rarity gasped loudly and she placed a hoof on her chest.

"Why, I never!"

"Starlight, are you serious?" Twilight demanded from Starlight.

"I see nothing wrong with it," Starlight said casually.

Twilight responded by hitting Starlight on the head roughly with the newspaper.

"Ow!" Starlight cried. "I could charge that as assault!"

"I'm Princess of Friendship, good luck," Twilight growled.

Twilight then picked Starlight up in her magic and began to carry her away. The pink unicorn squirmed madly in the restraining grip. Her shrill voice echoing through the streets.

"See?! This is the violence in the system! I'm a peaceful protester, being hauled away for nothing but using my freedom of speech! Alicorns get away with everything! The government protects unicorns! They protect the rich! They keep to the old and outdated capitalism! Twilight prevents progress! Twilight works with the racist white unicorns! HEEELLPPP!!!"

Nopony went to help the odd squirming unicorn as Twilight carried her away. Rarity watched them go down the street before giving out a sly chuckle. She leaned on the sign and levitated her unfinished muffin to her from the kitchen.

"Hmm, karma."

Author's Note

There are still people disliking this? Huh....Guess another offended person creeps out from the bushes every day.

I (Don't) Have a Dream

Applejack bucked a tree with a grunt. The red apples soon fell into the baskets that were around the trunk of the apple tree. For some reason unknown, none of the apples missed the small round baskets. Freakin' magic I guess. Applejack then leaned on the tree with satisfaction and wiped some sweat off her brow.

"Just a few left! Woo, today's been a good day!" she said with pride.

She picked up one of the baskets in her mouth. With a humming tune, she walked over to a wagon where the rest of today's harvest was located. She dumped the apples in the wagon and placed the basket down. She was just about to repeat with the next apple basket, but the light sounds of hoofsteps made her pause.

Apple Bloom came galloping towards her. Despite her hurry, the little one did not appear in an emergency. The filly soon slid to a stop right before her big sister. Not a long pause passed before Apple Bloom spoke up.

"Applejack, what's a whore?" she asked innocently.

"A...A what?" Applejack blinked in shock.

"A whore!" she repeated.

"Now where did ya hear that?" the big sister asked in a whisper.

"Twilight was all mad because someone called Rarity that," Apple Bloom explained.

A stupid smile crept on Applejack's face. "Hehe, that's funny." She then remembered her little sister. "Uhh...You go ask Big Mac about it. He uhhh, knows whores better than I d-oh horseapples! I mean, jus' go ask your brother."

"Um, OK?" Apple Bloom raised a brow in Apple fashion.

"Get along," Applejack ordered.

As the little run ran towards their home, Applejack sighed in relief. She felt like she had dodged a bullet. Apple Bloom often had questions like that and Applejack was used to brushing them off to Big Mac. Hope he knows what to tell her.

She returned to her work after the odd interruption. In little time, she had brought all the apples to the wagon and was prepared to head towards the barn. As she dumped the last apples in and was about to hitch herself to the wagon, another sound of hoofsteps made her pause.

Starlight Glimmer was walking up the hill towards her, bearing a deep frown. Applejack rolled her eyes and waited for the pink unicorn to walk over. Starlight reached her without saying any words.

"Uhh, goo' afternoon?" Applejack asked with a cocked brow.

"Oh, don't greet me with that false hospitality!" Starlight snapped.

Applejack rolled her eyes at the expected answer. "What ya want, Starlight?"

"You know what I want!" she said boldly.

"Yeah?" Applejack leaned in expectantly.

"You are holding unpaid employees on this farm!" she said.

Applejack blinked. "Unpaid employees? We ain't got employees on this farm, unless ya countin' the Apple family."

"How dare you!" Starlight barked. "You don't even count them as employees! You truly are a speciest."

"You just made up that word," Applejack was bemused.

"Did not!"

Applejack sighed. "Alright, who are ya referring to?"

"The cows of course!"

Applejack hung her mouth open. "The cows?"

"Yes, the cows!"

Applejack sat on her haunches and looked at the unicorn with utter confusion. "What about the cows?"

"You are holding them as prisoners! You work them like slaves! You treat them like inferior farm animals you anti-cow bigot!" Starlight fumed.

"I don't hold them as prisoners. They can go about wherever they like. They went to the Southern Pastures over there last week." She pointed at a field in the distance.

"They work for you and you never pay them!"

"They don't work for me. I don't need to pay them. Big Mac tills the fields himself and I turn the wheat grinder. I don't need any hulkin' cattle to do that!"

"See? The word 'cattle' is offensive as you put them all into a group of property!"

"Starlight, the cows are fine. Ya can go ask them yaself. If they do complain about how I treat them, well then maybe I'll do something. Ya just complaining here and gettin' nowhere."

"Cows don't belong on the farm! They belong out there!" Starlight pointed at Ponyville and Equestria. "Ponies like you just shut them away and keep them uneducated!"

"Not my fault, they never asked to be taught," Applejack shrugged.

"That's speciest!"

"Starlight, I ain't budgin'. The cows are fine on my farm. So are the pigs and the chickens."

"Pigs and chickens are animals, you idiot! I'm not talking about them! I'm talking about the cows!"

"Well, whatever. Those cows go about out there and they's jus' fine."

"Of course you'd be this way, you racist farmer!" Starlight spat. "Fine! I'm the better pony here, so I won't get all over you just let. So I'll leave you for now. Hope you have fun drinking moonshine, brushing your one tooth, and banging your cousin!" She finished by imitating Applejack's accent.

With that, Starlight huffed and walked away. Then she paused and walked back up to Applejack. The both of them stared at each other without blinking. Starlight's hoof slowly reached for an apple in the wagon.

"Don't ya touch my apples," Applejack growled without looking away.

Starlight kept her eyes on Applejack as she took an apple and slowly brought it to her mouth. She dramatically opened her mouth and took a mocking bite. She thought she was being clever, but she was about to find out why one never touches Applejack's apples. Applejack's left hoof swung out and nailed Starlight right on the kisser.

And Starlight knew no more.

Author's Note

The thing is....I think Starlight has some ground for this. I've declared it. I'm pro-cow. Come at me bro!

Defensive Offense

Starlight was levitating a wooden bat as she stomped through the Ponyville streets. Also floating around her head was a mangled piece of the "Ponyville Confidential" newspaper. She was fuming in every sense of the word. Her rage-filled eyes glared at every single pony she passed, making them squeak or hide. Her heavy breathing actually echoed off the buildings.

"WHO WROTE THE WORD 'RETARDED' IN THIS DAMN NEWSPAPER!?" she shouted with an anger that even Tirek would be afraid of.

One brave (or foolish) mare pointed down the street. She shivered and hid her face as she spoke up. "That's the newspaper the school writes."

"THOSE DAMN SCHOOL PONIES!!"

Starlight quickened her pace towards the school. It was recess time and the young fillies and colts were out playing. It seemed like the dramatic organ was playing as the children soon realized who was storming towards them.

"YOU JERKS! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT 'RETARDED' IS INSENSITIVE TO THE DIFFERENTLY-ABLED!? I'M SURE YOU DO, YOU INSENSITIVE JERKS!"

The school ponies froze as the furious unicorn reached them. They felt the hotness that emitted from Starlight's intense wrath. They shook in fear as she loomed over them with her hateful glare.

"WHO IS THE EDITOR?! WHO IS FEATHERWEIGHT!?" she roared.

All the ponies saved themselves and pointed at a single tiny pegasus colt. Starlight did not even smile at finding who she was looking for. Featherweight was soon lifted into the air by Starlight's magic.

"SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS SUCH A LITTLE PIECE OF FILTH!" she stormed. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LET SUCH AN AWFUL AND OFFENSIVE WORD GET BY!"

"I'm sorry, Miss Glimmer! I'm sorry!" Featherweight cried.

"NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU AWFUL PONY! YOU PURPOSELY LEFT IT IN THERE TO HURT OTHER PONIES!"

"I'm sorry! It's just about a turtle Fluttershy saved! I didn't mean anything!" he continued to wail.

"'JUST?' 'JUST?' JUST, MY HORN! YOU ARE SO IGNORANT! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL BEING DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED IS?! OF COURSE YOU DON'T! YOU PRIDE YOURSELF IN BEING SO STUPIDLY SPECIAL! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF PONIES CALLED YOU 'PIPSQUEAK,' TINY!!"

One little earth colt with a brown spot jumped up. "Hey!"

Featherweight waved his hooves about. "I'll never do it again, Miss Glimmer! I promise!"

"SAY THAT TO THE MOON, ASSHOLE!"

She placed the bat in her hooves and magically threw him up like a baseball. The unicorn took a stance and readied the bat. Her eyes watched him with matchless fury.

"BATTER UP, KIDDO!!"

Yes, the next moment is just what you're thinking. As he came down, Starlight smacked him with the bat, sending him flying away. He probably reached Cloudsdale, but no reports specified his location. Without another glance at the unfortunate colt, Starlight looked about for the next "offender."

"I KNOW SOME JERK ALSO WROTE THE ARTICLE! WHO IS SILVER SPOON?!"

"Starlight! What are you doing?!" Twilight came running at her along with two Royal Guards.

"WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, PRINCESS!"

"Did you just hit that poor colt to the next century?" Twilight was reasonably appalled.

Starlight shrugged as her anger slightly subsided. "What's wrong with it?"

"We should arrest you for assault!"

"Assault?" Starlight raised a brow. "This is self-defense."

"What!?" the guards and Twilight exclaimed.

"I have every right to be offended. That colt offended me, so this is me protecting myself from his attacks. He started it and I only reacted. It's simple really."

"What kind of thinking is that?" Twilight deadpanned.

"The right kind."

Twilight looked at the guards. "Arrest her."

Starlight was soon tackled by the Royal Guards and cuffed. The school ponies cheered the officers on while Twilight covered her face in her hoof. The pink unicorn started to resist like usual.

"You can't arrest me! Ow! This is police brutality! I'm innocent! OW! I did nothing wrong! I'm the victim here, not that punk colt! Ow! Help! Help! This is governmental oppression!"

The Royal Guards dragged her away while she continued to scream. The school ponies cheered them on. Well, all except one.

(Now for the punchline.)

Scootaloo blinked. "Well, at least she didn't read the article on Lyra and Bon Bon..."

(You may now commence your booing)

Author's Note

This chapter was a curveball, am I right? Hehehehe

*gets slapped by rubber Scootaloo*

Ow.

Revelations From a Likely Source

Starlight watched with her ears perked up as a small horde of ponies ran towards her. She was not afraid of them coming to attack her as their dull colors showed that they were equal ponies. So instead she waited on the park bench she was seating on. They excitedly rushed over to, carrying a disgruntled light blue pony in purple magician clothes.

"We found her!" one yelled to Starlight. "We found the witch!"

They all stopped before her, barely containing their glee. The annoyed pony they were carrying squirmed in their grasp, but sighed as she could not escape.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to be freed!" she squealed.

Starlight blinked her eyes in confusion. "Witch?"

"Yeah!" they all triumphantly confirmed.

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I told you guys to go after the rich, not a witch!"

"Oh..." they said with new understanding.

"But she's still a witch!" one equal stallion shouted.

"Yeah!" the others joined him.

"She flaunts her unicorn privilege!" a mare said.

"She makes us pay to show off her own magic!" another said.

"She turned me into a parasprite!"

All eyes turned on the stallion who shouted the last words. Upon realizing what he said was a bit confusing since he was a pony, he nervously stroked his leg and looked down, ashamed.

"I...I got better..."

Starlight sighed and turned her attention to the witch. "Is this true?"

The witch huffed indignantly. "I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie's powers are awe-inspiring! Glorious! Fantastic!"

Starlight basically ignored her and took the witch's hat off, revealing a unicorn horn. The equalist leader then shook her head.

"Such arrogance and racism. You make others pay you money so that you can do things that the other poor races can't? How despicable."

"Trixie does not understand..."

"Nor do I expect you to, you ignorant buffoon," Starlight insulted. "Go ahead, my fellows, do what you want with her. Make her an example of unicorns who could care less for other pony races."

"But...But Trixie does so for a living! You cannot be serious?"

"Then you exploit other ponies for your own petty gains!" Starlight lectured. "You aren't worth the dirt on my hoof. Begone!"

The equal ponies cheered and carried the squirming Trixie away. Starlight sipped from her morning tea and quietly watched her ponies do her bidding. With one less racist unicorn out of the way, the day was already looking bright. It wasn't even noon yet.

"Better get moving again, otherwise the Princess of Bigotry will find me..."

She slowly got up from the bench. Her body was severely sore from the beating she took from the Royal Guards just the other day. Luckily the equalist backlash on the internet prevented her from being locked up in the Hollow Shades Asylum. You didn't know they had internet? Well, then you haven't seen Starlight's blog site. What? I'm not being a good narrator? Alright, sorry.

While whistling an innocent tune, Starlight walked around the Ponyville park. The spring morning had attracted many young couples to the pleasant outdoors. The lover ponies spotted the park, some at flowers, some at benches, and some just resting on the grass.

"Mare and stallion....mare and stallion, mare and stallion, guhh..." Starlight groaned.

She then stopped immediately. Her eyes slowly turned to a pony couple that were sitting on a nearby bench. It was Lyra and Bon Bon! The openly lesbian couple of Ponyville! Starlight beamed at the romantic scene and hid behind a bush. As she watched them engage in dialogue she could not hear, she gushed over how beautiful it was to see such open love. These two mares were heroes!

Starlight turned back to see how those lowly cissexual couples. They didn't know true love. They didn't understand genders or sexes enough to see what true beauty was! Starlight wanted to raise her muzzle at them, but that was offensive to Minotaur cultures, so she instead stuck her tongue out and returned to watching the cute lesbian couple.

"Oh, they must be so oppressed here!" Starlight pitied them. "I've not seen any other same-sex couples in this bigoted town. They must be ridiculed, insulted, and treated homophobically by those fools who don't understand. They are so brave to sit there, holding hooves, and ahh, it's so equal..."

Putting them on a pedestal before she even met them, Starlight could not contain herself. She jumped out from the bush and trotted over to the couple. Lyra and Bon Bon were chatting merrily away and did not notice the pink unicorn until she had sat down right in front of them. They both gave her confused looks as she smiled excitedly back.

"Uhh...can we help you?" Bon Bon asked nervously.

Starlight nodded and summoned a small notepad and a quill. "Oh yes! I...I felt like a short interview with you two would be splendid! I just admire your openness and ability to deal with the homophobic oppression that is rampant in this town."

The two mares looked at each other before rubbing the back of their necks.

"Uhhh..." Lyra started. "We're not oppressed."

Starlight dismissed her with a hoof. "Oh don't worry. You don't need to hide anything. I'm a good and decent pony. I do not judge you by sexual orientation. I just think you two are heroes for being proud of your homosexual lifestyle!"

"Isn't that judging us by our sexual preferences?" Bon Bon asked.

"'Preference' is not the right word, but no, it's not. Judging is when one perceives somepony negatively before engaging in conversation. That or performing microaggresssions because of a pony's outward appearance or ethnic group," Starlight smiled.

"No," Lyra rolled her eyes. "Judging is perceiving someone good or bad based on little to solid evidence-"

"Oh never mind," Starlight cut her off, "you understand."

Bon Bon was about to speak, but Starlight cut her off too.

"So! How is it battling the everyday microagrresions and hate speech of this bigoted society? What brave words do you two have for other lesbian/gay/bisexual ponies out there? How do you cope with such ignorant ponies?"

"We're not heroes based on our sexual preference," Bon Bon was bemused.

"There you go using that word!" Starlight started to become annoyed. "It's not politically correct! So! I am on your side. I know you two are not used to ponies being on your side. I'm trying to help others who struggle in this damn land of Equestria."

"Uhh, like I said, we're not oppressed," Lyra shrugged. "We're not victims here."

"You don't have to hide behind lies. I am utterly trustworth-"

"We know! We're speaking the truth!" Bon Bon yelled.

"You are?" Starlight blinked in confusion. "But...But how could you? Everypony here is so ignorant and disgusting! You must have been called names and you've must have been denied service!"

Lyra nodded. "We have."

"Then you are discriminated against and oppressed!" Starlight told them.

"If being called some names is being 'oppressed,' then I guess we can answer your questions," Bon Bon chuckled. "How do we deal with names? Pfft, we ignore them. Easy. Everypony knows Lyra and I are a couple. Most just shrug. Sure there's that one jerk, but who cares about her? No one really cares."

"And Mr. and Mrs. Cake didn't make a wedding cake for us," Lyra added. "But guess what? We just went to another baker. The Cakes are great and nice to us. We still talk to them. Yeah, they seem a bit off when we're around, but will they learn that we are no different if we refuse to talk or hang out with them? Of course not! Why make a gap when we could easily build a bridge?"

Bon Bon started to laugh some more. "There's one who oppresses us: Rainbow Dash. Oh my Celestia. We she found out, she called us 'fags' for like a month. It was hilarious."

"Oh yeah!" Lyra laughed. "Rainbow's actually homophobic."

"Rainbow? But she's lesbian!" Starlight gasped.

"Her?" Bon Bon almost spat. "Please, she's straighter than a beanpole."

"'Straight' is not the right word!" Starlight growled.

Bon Bon ignored her. "But we don't care. Let her insult us. I call Lyra a fag all the time." She pointed a hoof at her marefriend. "Faggot."

Lyra couldn't hold back a chuckle. "No you're the fag!"

"How can you two call yourselves that?!" Starlight was in shock. "It's a derogatory word for homosexuals! It's not politically correct!"

Bon Bon looked at Starlight. "Just because we're lesbians doesn't mean we're politically correct."

Starlight body froze in utter shock. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes wider than a barn door. She was still and completely unmoving. Like a statue, she slowly leaned to one side and fell over on the grass. Her body and face remained in the exact position. The notepad and quill fell to the ground as her magic let go of them.

"Did we break her?" Lyra asked.

"She's a queer one," Bon Bon commented.

"Pfft, she's freakin' retarded."

=

Author's Note

And uhh...what happened to Trixie?

She formed a pro-unicorn organization. It's called the UUU.

Rainbow Dash is Homophobic and All Mares Are Lesbian

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were bucking the apple trees on Sweet Apple Acres. The hot day was perfect for the harvesting of the apples. It was certainly working up a sweat on both mares. As they bucked the last apples, they wiped the sweat from their brows and leaned on an apple cart beside each other.

"Woah, that's some work, ya know?" Applejack chuckled.

"Ya know it!" Rainbow said as she inspected their work.

"I think we uhh...need a break," Applejack said with slight nervousness.

"I could certianly use something cold. How 'bout a milshake at Sugar Cube Corner?" Rainbow suggested.

"Well, maybe...I was thinkin' of some place a little more uhhh..."

Rainbow raised her brow at Applejack's odd behavior. "A little place more what?"

"Private."

Rainbow shrugged. "I'm sure Twilight has some cold ones at her place."

"Ummm...nah."

Rainbow was flustered. "Then where?"

Applejack rubbed the back of her neck. She had a blush on her cheeks and her eyes refused to look at Rainbow. "Well, ya see Rainbow. I've been wonderin' and all....and..."

"And what? AJ, what's with ya?" Rainbow took a step away.

"Well, ya see. As ya was workin' I...I kinda realized. Ya pretty hot, girl."

Rainbow blinked. "Yeah...I knew that already."

Applejack snorted in frustration. "Rainbow....Ya a good looking gal. I like how..."

"Applejack, please. I know I'm good looking. Ya don't have to tell me things I already know."

"Rainbow, I wanna go to the barn."

"Sure, ya need help pitchin' hay?"

"If ya wanna call it that..."

"Don't worry, I'll help. I'll get the pitchfork and..."

"Rainbow! I didn't actually mean that! I...I meant we go to the barn. It's private. It's a bit cozy. I..."

Rainbow cocked her brow at her friend. What was she talking about? Barns are private, sure. Cozy? Clouds were cozier. Her mind started to try and interpret the words in a different way. Was it some southern saying she didn't understand? A thought popped in her head and she hesitantly started to ask it.

"Are...Are you askin' me to be with ya in the barn...and...uhh...do it?"

"Well, maybe not that fast," Applejack chuckled. "But...uhh...yeah."

"You're hitting on me?"

"Yes."

Rainbow was starting to become scared. "I'm a mare...you're a mare..."

"We can at least try it, sugarcube."

Rainbow's pupils shrunk to the size of periods. "GAHHHH!!!"

The pegasus grabbed an apple and chucked with all her might at the farmer. The force splattered the apple on Applejack's face and made her fall backwards in the hard ground. While the hitting mare on the ground with tiny Apple Blooms circling around her head, Rainbow spread her wings and dashed away with the speed of lightning.

She quickly zoomed to Sugar Cube Corner. With an expert stop, she stood still right in front of Pinkie, who was standing at the counter of the shop. Rainbow nervously looked about before sighing and leaning on the counter.

"What's up, Rainbow Dash?" Pinkie asked excitedly.

"Ya won't believe it," Rainbow said as she shook her head. "Applejack and I were working right? And then when we were done, she was all like 'I'd like to see you in my barn.' She was hitting on me! I saved myself and got out of there. It was so unlike her."

"Unlike her?" Pinkie giggled. "Please, she and I did it last night."

"What?!"

"She's not as good as you would think, maybe you're better!."

Rainbow's eyes twitched. "Ya can't be serious..."

"But I totally am! She was like guuhhhh and I was like ahhh and the-"

"Bye!"

Rainbow quickly left the shop and soared to Rarity's boutique. Rarity was the most civilized pony in the village, right? She couldn't be lesbian, right? Rainbow prayed to Celestia that would be the case.

She broke through the door and crashed into Rarity's kitchen. It was midday and Rarity was preparing her lunch. She jumped back at the sudden entry of her friend, but since she was so used to it, she calmed down quickly.

"Rainbow, how are you? Was that another failed stunt?" she asked.

"Oh no," Rainbow panted. "My day is just goin' terrible! Pinkie and Applejack are lesbians! It's so horrid, I know! Applejack asked me to do it and Pinkie and her have already done it!"

"How brutish of them."

"I know right?"

"I would have given you a rose first and perhaps asked you out to dinner."

"Yeah...and it's...what!?" Rainbow squealed.

Rarity cocked her head. "Wouldn't that be what you want? I am a unicorn and we unicorns ask each other out with dignity, unlike those uncivilized earth ponies."

"Uhh...."

"Now, I know how to win the heart of somepony. Oh don't look at me like that! You know that we would make a lovely couple. My feminine features and your masculine personality will make balance in our relationship..."

"Rares....stop..."

"Why? Oh come now, darling. I know how you stare at me. I simply captivate you, don't I?"

"No...I stare at you cause I wonder how ya mane stays that way..."

"Rainbow, my dear, you do not need to hide your feelings from me." She closed in. "I adore you, you adore me. Perhaps we can discuss our feelings over dinner and then carry on in a hotel?"

"You're infected too! I'm outta here!"

Rarity was soon looking at nothing as in a blink Rainbow was gone. A frustrated shrill left the fashionista's throat and she stomped a hoof on the floor.

"Oh! I was so close!" she huffed.

Rainbow sped by the random Ponyvillians and raced to Twilight's castle. She had to know what was up! Rainbow knew none of her friends were lesbian before, so why would they be now? Did they stand next to each other? Did they sit on the same bench? Did they share a look? Were they in the same location? Rainbow could not understand.

She crashed through a window and planted her face in the Cutie Map. Twilight was sitting in her throne and fell out with a scream. Her loud heartbeats could be heard by Rainbow. The princess grunted in anger as she stared at the intruder.

"Couldn't you use the front door?" she asked coldly.

"Twilight! Ya gotta help me!" Rainbow flew down to her and grabbed her face.

"What's up?"

"Our friends have all turned lesbian for me! I need to hide!"

Twilight chuckled. "I wouldn't blame them."

"What?" Rainbow asked worriedly.

"What will hiding do you?"

"I don't wanna be with such freaks!"

Twilight seductively blinked her eyes. "Well, you're in luck, Rainbow."

Rainbow brightened. "I am?"

Twilight moved her face closer and whispered in Rainbow's ears. "Cause I'm lesbian too, hottie."

"Ya kiddin' right?" Rainbow moved away.

"Of course not! Wanna read the things I wrote about us being together? They. Are. Thrilling."

Rainbow looked about. There was a large book on the floor. Twilight must have been reading it before being startled. The pegasus picked it up and violently slammed it on Twilight's head. The princess paused before her eyes rolled up in her skull and she fell unconscious on the crystal floor.

"Ouch..." were the last words she uttered.

"Whew..." Rainbow tossed the book aside. "She'll feel that in the morning.

A slow, sarcastic clap echoed through the throne room. Rainbow slowly turned her head to the sound. There, in the doorway, was Starlight Glimmer. The filthiest smirk was on her face. A face that anypony who saw it would punch it immediately. This, along with the mocking clap, was the most epic display of douchebaggery ever.

"You having fun, Rainbow?" she asked with venomous slime to her mocking voice.

"You did this!" Rainbow angrily fired back.

"Great observation, hero. I'm so, so sorry your homophobia is ruining your day. All these beautiful mares, simply speaking about love. And then you come in and reject it. You deny the simplest of truths."

"Love? Please, my friends just wanted to bang me. I don't think that's love..."

Starlight faltered a little. "What? They just asked you to bang?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Except Rares, but she was gettin' too close for me."

"Well that blows...That spell was supposed to make everyone love the same sex, not turn them into whatever they are now...No wonder it was under 'Party Spells,'" she added under her breath.

"Change them back!" Rainbow stomped.

"Ha! Never!" Starlight composed herself. "You must learn to stop being so damn homophobic! I plan to cleanse you of your ignorant ways by making you see true love!"

"What if I was afraid of bats? Would putting me in a dark cell with just bats stop my fear?" Rainbow asked.

"Who says it couldn't?"

"Starlight, I don't think ya plan is right..."

"Oh please! How do you know? You're afraid of gays and lesbians! Simple ponies who express their love in different ways! You are ignorant, disgusting, and rude. You know nothing, Rainbow. I am no villain for trying to make you see the truth!"

"But ya kinda are. Ya just made everypony into something they're not. What if ya changed all the gays into straights?"

"That's different..."

Rainbow shook her head. "Not really. Well, not if ya are for equality."

Starlight stormed over to Rainbow. "Listen here, bub. You are part of a dying breed of morons who believe the world should caress them. Guess what? The world is better off without you horrid bigots. I'm a visionary! I am progressive thinker! I'm the one that makes the world go forward. You're the kind that tries to keep it back."

"Didn't ya like me at your village because ya thought I was gay?" Rainbow asked.

"That was before I knew your true colors."

"I haven't changed. I'm the enemy now just because ya found out my views?"

"I know where you're going with this. And yes, you are still the douchebag! You insulted Lyra and Bon Bon just because of their sexual orientation. You are no hero here."

"Fine, I'll take that. It wasn't right of me to insult them. But I'm still gonna do this to ya."

Rainbow picked up the book and raised it over her head. Starlight scoffed and crossed her legs in defiance.

"Ha! A book? When have books ever done anything of worth? They are old and are filled with outdated dogmas. It's the fact that these horrid things are still being taught at schools that we have such an ignorant society. Some of these books contain such foul language and viewpoints that one would vomit at. Books have not saved anyone. The equal have no need of books. Well, at least not the ones that preach such despicable things."

Rainbow paused. "Uhh...Do you even read?"

"No. And stop there! Just because I do not read doesn't make me dumb!"

"I used to think that too. Not reading doesn't make ya dumb, but it doesn't make ya smarter either."

Rainbow brought the book down on Starlight's head. The unicorn was knocked out cold instantly. At that moment, Twilight woke up and looked about. Rainbow dropped the book and helped her friend up.

"What...What happened?" Twilight gasped.

"Nothing much. Wanna bang?" Rainbow asked.

"Gah! What in Equestria, Rainbow!" Twilight jumped away.

Rainbow laughed. "Just testin' something."

Twilight was confused and raised a brow. Rainbow was still chuckling when she looked down at the book. It was open on the floor. The pages had some crazy crayon drawings surrounded by very neat hoofwriting. The crayon drawings clearly showed Rainbow and Twilight having intercourse. The cursive words described the actions in startling detail.

"Twil...Twi....wha..." Rainbow was speechless.

Twilight followed her friend's eyes. Her own eyes widened in shock and her horn lit up. The book disappeared in a purple flash. A wild blush appeared on her cheeks and she started to laugh innocently.

"He...ha...strange stuff, am I right?" she said awkwardly.

Rainbow fainted.

"Oh dear..."

=

Author's Note

showerthoughts

Starlight's spell was named "Shipper Spell."

Season 6: Bonus: Prince(cess)

Author's Note

Haven't seen the Season 6 previews?

Get. Out. Now.

Season 6: Bonus: Prince(cess)

"Ugh look at that thing..."

"Honey! That's our daughter!"

"I know....she just looks like you too much..."

"...Ouch."

Cadance and Shining Armor inspected their child princess who was smiling in her little crib. Flurry Heart's wings were spread wide and her little hoofs tried to reach out of her parents. Cadance tried to smile back at the little one but she grunted and looked at her husband instead.

"The only thing she's got are my wings..." she grunted.

"Honey, what's with ya? You're grumpy," Shining observed.

"I just had childbirth. I'm pretty freakin' pissed right now. Do you even realize how much pain I went through?"

"Well...no..."

"I did everything! All for this little runt that'll grow up and fight me on a day to day basis!"

"I helped..." Shining nervously said.

"You did a pretty poor job there too. Ugh..."

"I'm...I'm sorry..."

"Hey Cadance, hey Shining!" Twilight called to them as she entered the room. "How's my new niece?"

"She's doing great! Ya finally arrived from Ponyville?" Shining said in his usual bro voice.

"Yeah. It's crazy over there these days. Just....crazy," Twilight tried to sound optimistic.

Twilight was about to continue, but she was forcefully shoved over from behind by an angry pink unicorn. Starlight Glimmer stood over Twilight with a mad snarl that the latter could not see because her face was firmly planted in the crystal floor.

"You horrid parents!" the mad unicorn yelled at the young couple.

"Who are you?" Cadance annoyingly asked.

"I am the pony who's going to show you the errors of your ways, princess," Starlight brought her sass with her.

Starlight stomped over to Flurry Heart's crib and gestured her with with an oustretched hoof. "You have already called her a princess."

Shining Armor and Cadance looked at each other before raising their brows. "So?" Cadance asked. "Are you one of those ponies who believe she shouldn't have a title because of royal birth?"

Starlight blinked. "What? No! It's that you have already given her a gender!"

"Huh?" Shining could huh scrunch his face in confusion.

"Do I really have to explain it?" Starlight sighed.

"Yup," all three other ponies said at once, though Twilight's words sounded only likely a muffle "hmph."

"She's Princess Flurry Heart before she can even speak. You two are raising her with a female gender. She ought to have a choice in the matter. The best way to raise a child is to raise her/him genderless until they choose a gender to be."

"But you just said she can't speak yet, how will she know which gender she is?" Cadance ventured.

"Why, a pony can be born with the wrong type of brain," Starlight explained casually. "And she'll know in due time."

"I can tell," Shining remarked under his breath.

"Flurry could be a colt trapped in a filly's body for all we know," Starlight continued. "It's best to not dictate what she should be. It's her choice, not the parent's."

Cadance looked about in a frustrated manner before snorting in a very horse-like way. "Have you ever raised a child?"

"Nope, nor do I ever plan to," Starlight chuckled. "I don't need a stallion or a child in my life."

"Yet you come in here like you know better than us?"

"Well, you haven't raised a child either, so that is not a point to be made. You shouldn't look at me like that, I'm trying to help you and her or possibly him," she finished by pointing at the little princess again.

"I gave birth to that winged monster," Cadance growled, "and I'm gonna love her to death! I won't have some nobody unicorn come in and tell me how to love my little girl!"

"But she could not be a girl. Listen to me-"

"No! She's my cute little princess and she's staying that way!"

"Then you will traumatize and abuse her! If she decides she's a colt, are you going to punish her for that, huh? Are you gonna lock her up until she is forced to be what she isn't? A good parent will help her choose her own path, not dictate it like some royal fundamentalist!"

Cadance jumped up and down. "Go away!"

"Or if she decides her sexual orientation? Will you tie her to a whipping post if she decides to be lesbian or bisexual? Huh? Will you force her into pink dresses if she finds out she is in the wrong body and wants to be a transgender?"

"She's a freakin' little foal! What does she know? She can't even say 'momma' or anything!" Shining interjected.

"I tell you these things for the sake of Flurry Heart. I don't want her to be another victim of child abuse, physical or mental. However, you two seem like awful and forceful parents! Maybe you should hand her over to some more progressive couples to handle."

Starlight picked up Flurry Heart with her magic. Cadance's face turned red her horn fired up. Before Starlight could do anything, she was rightfully blasted away by a beam of magic. The unicorn screamed as she was blown through the Palace wall and sent hurling below. Little Flurry Heart was released and she gently fell back in her crib, laughing hysterically all the way.

"No one touches my little girl!!" Cadance roared.

Shining Armor cowered away from his furious wife. Twilight was wide-eyed by the whole thing. Cadance stood there, breathing heavily as smoke emitted from the tip of her horn. She then walked over to the crib and her entire expression changed instantly.

"Aw! Who's my little princess? Huh?" she started doting on the little foal. "You are so cute for being a little pain in my-"

Twilight and Shining looked at each other.

"Uhh...I think we should go," Shining uttered.

"Sure. I think that's smart," Twilight agreed.

"So, do ya think Starlight survived that?" he asked as they left the cheerful mother.

Twilight nodded. "She had to. And I probably have to pay for her medical bills....again..."

=

Bloody Valentine's

Bloody Valentine's

"Why, good day, you Equal ponies! It's yours truly, Starlight Glimmer, here to wish you a happy Hearts and Hooves Day. Yes, you know the day, the day that our culture believes that every mare needs her special stallion and all mares just LOVE chocolate, right? Right? Ah, yes, we still have days like this.

"Hearts and Hooves Day, which should be renamed due to its equine-only name, is a holiday concreted into our society. It is oppressive and intolerant towards those who have no companions and certainly those who wish for no companion. All the billboards, advertisements, stores, and little cards depict heterosexual relationships, showing that Equestria still needs diversity to be represented. Lesbian, gay, bi, interspecies and trans and not represented in such things. However, there is a even more oppressed type that is crushed and repressed by this holiday. If you do not know what I speak of, it is the asexuals.

"Hearts and Hooves Day is extremely anti-asexual. Ponies who have no attractions at all are being bullied by society to acquire a mate for the sake of a holiday. Every mare must dream about what her horny stallion is going to give her and every horny stallion must drool over what he'll give his mare. This is not the case, especially for the asexuals who are marginalized by this particular day.

"Is there a solution for this? Well, there is a solution for everything, as I say. I am a very optimistic pony. First thing we need to do is replace Hearts and Hooves Day with Heart Day. Heart Day will not celebrate sexual relationships only but non-sexual ones as well. The very special somepony doesn't have to be the one who is your marefriend or coltfriend, but it could also be your brother, your classmate, or your friend. Now everyone has a chance to be special on this day.

"Second is to remove all those bloody gifts. It is stereotyping mares that we all seem to gush over chocolate. Not only are some mares allergic to chocolate, some are vegan. By having the stores sell all sorts of fattening treats, these two major groups are bullied into eating chocolate. Since it would be hard to promote all forms of eating, we shall just promote healthy eating. That's what a government does, right?

"Third...wait....what was third? Ah yes, we-"

"Starlight, what are you doing?"

"GAH!"

Starlight turned off the camera before her and looked guiltily at Twilight and Rainbow Dash, who were standing in the doorway of her room in the castle. Both the mares in her doorway shared confused looks and held perplexed expressions. Starlight nervously rubbed the back of her neck.

"What are you doing?" Twilight repeated.

"Um...just sending a message to my followers. That's all," Starlight gulped.

"Really? Sounded like you were talking about some heavy stuff..." Rainbow commented.

"Well, you could say that. Um, why are you two here?" Starlight asked.

"Oh! It's Hearts and Hooves Day and I thought I'd give you a card. You've been shut in her room all morning and I thought to cheer you up!" Twilight explained gleefully.

Twilight walked over to the pink unicorn and magically handed her a pink and red card that said the usual "Happy Hearts and Hooves" stuff that's plastered on every Hearts and Hooves card. Starlight took it in her hoof with a frown.

"Are you saying you love me?" Starlight was confused.

"What? Oh, not like that! I do have a special somepony, but he's not close to here. I just thought to lighten up your day and to let you know that we don't hate you at all."

"But we don't like you neither," Rainbow remarked.

"Hey!" Twilight silenced her.

"I guess that's nice of you," Starlight said slowly. "But I don't celebrate this. Never have."

"And that's fine. Take the card or not, but the thought remains the same," Twilight smiled.

"Why don't ya celebrate it? Ya have to have some coltfriend, right?" Rainbow pressed.

"Nope, never have unless you go way back," Starlight answered. "But yeah, that was before. I then found out that I'm asexual, so I don't have any attractions."

"Asexual? Aren't those types of creatures that reproduce by themselves or something?" Rainbow said.

"No! Rainbow, asexuals, in this sense, are ponies or other species who have no sexual attractions. I have no coltfriend and I don't want one."

"Hmph, likely story," Rainbow giggled. "You just can't get a colt for yourself. That's what it is."

Starlight's cheeks reddened. "That's not it at all!"

"Hmph, think I struck a nerve! Haha!" Rainbow walked away while laughing.

"Ignore her. She can be...mean sometimes," Twilight sighed.

"I fully understand..." Starlight groaned.

Twilight then put her front legs around Starlight and embraced her in a hug. This took the unicorn by surprise and she tried to squirm out of the strong legs.

"Just giving you a hug, Starlight. You need one," Twilight said.

"I can file this as assault! Get off me!" Starlight yelled.

"Naw. You like it. I heard all your talks on Hearts and Hooves Day. I think you kinda forget the point of it. Yeah, I agree that it is pretty shallow these days and it's pretty sappy, but you know, it can be more than that."

"Oh? How?" Starlight was skeptical.

"It's more about showing that you can love another. I agree, it shouldn't be limited to romantic relationships. It's a day to, you know, show your love in a less subtle way. Doesn't matter who it is, if you love them, help them and give them a good day. That's why I'm hugging you now. We may disagree on tons of things, but I consider you my friend, so I'm gonna show you that I'm your friend."

"And hugging me is doing that?"

"Precisely!"

"Ugh! Fine! Just this day though..."

Starlight returned the hug and they both sat there hugging each other. She was still uncertain of the alicorn's actions, but relunctantly went along with it. Twilight was nothing but smiles and kept snugging the unicorn like she was a pillow.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day," Twilight said.

"Happy Hearts Day..."

=

Author's Note

No comedy in this chapter. Thought I'd give Starlight a happy ending for once.

Cause, you know, that's only equal, right?

Happy Valentine's Day and eat chocolate. I know I will.

Mare Portrayal (Part whatever...)

Button Mash was sitting in awe of all the video games before him. He always liked going to the Gameshop to get some cool new games for his console. Now that his mother was wandering in a store nearby, he was left there to choose which new game to buy. However, like usual, his money restricted him to one video game per visit.

"Oh...so many choices..." he struggled to decide.

There was, indeed, many choices. Could he get the newest Magic's Calling, or the popular Pony Combat, or the even better Mare Fighter? So many choices. His eyes darted to each cover, every single one calling his name.

As he ran his hoof by all the games, trying to decide his future, a unicorn mare walked into the shop. Of course, she was pink and had her usual scowl. It was none other than Starlight Glimmer, and she looked pissed.

"All these games simply display the patriarchy in our society," she grumbled. "All this over-sexualizing of mares. It's disgusting."

Button Mash was too engrossed in his decision-making that he did not hear the low complaint from the unicorn. He awed at the new YCOM or the Funario Kart. So many games, too little money.

"Can I help you?" the cashier behind the counter lazily asked Starlight.

"I am here to issue a complaint against the games," Starlight said with false dignity.

"Uhh...what's wrong with them? Do ya buy a glitched copy?" the cashier asked without any emotion.

"No. They operate perfectly fine. I am here to complain about their content. Specifically, the portrayal of female characters."

"Well, sorry to burst ya bubble, but I ain't the guy to complain to, that'd be the designers," he answered.

"Oh..." Starlight sounded disappointed. "Then where do I go?"

The cashier leaned back slowly. "Well, I told the previous mare who was offended to go to Vanhoover, but she went south, so I don't know where she went."

"Another? You mean, one like me?"

"Yeah, her name was Sugarbelle-something. She came in here all steamed and then bought Dead or Alive and left."

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I'm going to have a chat with her..."

Button Mash walked up to the counter and placed the game he had chosen on it. The cashier took notice of the young colt and turned his attention to him. Starlight also noticed him and looked at the game cover. Just as she suspected, the cover had a mare in sci-fi armor, posing in a very raunchy manner. The gun, the armor placement, and her smile all showed Starlight what she was dealing with. There was nothing else to the game's cover than that sexualized mare.

As Button Mash reached into his saddlebag for bits, Starlight smacked the case off the counter with her hoof. The action was so sudden that both the lazy cashier and the now frightened colt gaped at her.

"What was that for?" the cashier groaned.

"A little colt like you has no reason to be playing these horrendous games made by perverted stallions," Starlight coldly told the brown colt.

"Uhh...uhh...I didn't mean anything by it..." he croaked.

"Oh! Now that you see what a true mare is like, you cower in fear, eh? Guess what, kid, we aren't like the horny fantasies your little game thinks we are!"

"I see that!"

"Do ya huh?" Starlight poked him with a hoof. "Are you seeing the signs of the patriarchy? Making little colts like you grow up into sexist morons?"

"Uh...maybe?"

Starlight grabbed the game cover and shoved it into Button's snout. "Look at the big mare butts! Look at them!"

"I'm looking!" he wailed.

"Of course you are! You like them! You perverted little gamer! These games get more and more perverted. Soon you'll wank off to them!"

"Alright, Miss Glimmer! I won't get the game! I won't get it!" Button cried.

"That's better. Now go pick something much more sensitive and respectable than this porn war simulator."

Button nodded and instead of going to pick another game, he ran from the store. The cashier sighed as he lost a customer. Starlight gave a satisfied grin and raised her head in pride.

"Why ya do that, lady?" the cashier demanded. "Let the kid play his games yo!"

"He is not a kid, he is a foal. Please do not mix up unique races, please," Starlight simply answered.

"Wha-"

Starlight interrupted him. "And you assume that I should be addressed as 'lady.' I must warn you, some do not appreciate being thrown into one gender or another. I was not offended by your addressing me, but a questionable pony could. Please be considerate."

"Wha-"

Starlight hushed him with a hoof and turned around to leave the store. Right in the entrance, however, was Button's mom with the colt behind her back legs. Her frown was deep and intimidating. Starlight held her smug look and waved at the mother.

"No need to thank me, I understand. I was simply doing my duty to keep the boy clean and not sexist," she said with sincerity.

"Buy my son the game," Button's mom said sternly.

"Oh I know. Now...what?" Starlight's ears went back in confusion.

"Buy my son the game," she repeated exactly.

"Now why would I do that? The game he chose was not appropriate for his age or gender."

"That's for me to decide," Button's mom stuck a hoof into Starlight's fluffy chest.

Starlight remembered the certain fire that was in Cadance's eyes and decided to not fight the angry mother. She took her bits out and bought the game for the little colt. The mother never smiled nor said "thank you" and they went on their way. Starlight stood in the shop a bit shocked and a bit scared.

"Hehe, guess that's what ya get," the cashier chuckled.

"Shut it, you prick..." Starlight snapped. "I'm not done with those two yet..."

=

Motherly Portrayal

Starlight pulled out her binoculars and watched Button Mash and his mother from a nearby bush. A very unknown fact about Starlight was that she was an excellent stalker. Her tongue hung out of the side of her mouth as she determinedly spied on the mother and son.

"Think she can be a bad parent and get away with it? Think again, milkpusher," Starlight chuckled and then paused. "Oh bloody horseapples! 'Milkpusher' is a slur against cows. Woo, glad no one was there to hear me."

"Except me."

"GAH!"

Starlight jumped out of the push and turned around in a defensive stance. Before her was Twilight, who had a raised brow and a suspicious frown. At seeing the princess, Starlight didn't relax and held her stance like she was a crane. Twilight cocked her head and kept her bemused look.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a sigh.

"I am going to prove that video games make young colts grow up to be sexist!" Starlight answered triumphantly.

"By hiding in a bush?"

Starlight relaxed her stance as she searched for a valid answer. "Uhh....yeah?"

"Alright, who are you spying on?"

Starlight crouched back in the bush. "Come and see."

Twilight hesitated before joining the unicorn in the bush. She took Starlight's binoculars and looked at the peaceful house where Button Mash and his mother lived. The Princess of Friendship did not seem impressed and gave the binoculars back to the unicorn without a word.

"You think Button's sexist?" she asked.

"Of course! and his mother too," Starlight answered.

"A mare is sexist to mares?" Twilight frowned.

Starlight quieted her with a hoof. "It's more common than you may think."

"How would video games make them sexist?"

Starlight cleared her throat. "Simply put, it's the portrayal of mares in video games. They all always the object to rescue, the damsel in distress, the object that the stallion player character wants to bang for body only. They are sluts, whores, and completely dependent on stallions. Do you ever see any mares in the Royal Guard in video games? I didn't think so."

"You know that stallions take up 98% of the Royal Guard, right?"

"Hmph! I knew it. We live in a stallion-led society. I say down with this patriarchal society. It's in our video games, media, and our government," Starlight spat.

"Starlight, you do realize that all the major rulers of Equestria are mares right?"

The unicorn huffed. "The military is where the true power is at. Until there are 50% mare and 50% stallion, it is unequal."

"How about we just have a 'unicorn only' military corps?" Twilight giggled.

"Don't even go there..."

Starlight peered through the binoculars once more. Little Button Mash was playing his games in his room. Just as usual, she thought. Twilight was still a bit confused by the unicorn's behavior, but then again, it was Starlight.

"You know it's kinda creepy that you're looking through a colt's window, right?" Twilight said.

"Makes me look a pedo, I know. But as you know, I am asexual, so this spying of mine has nothing to do with that. This is strictly business."

"Putting it like that makes this even more creepy."

"Shush!"

Twilight clamped her muzzle shut when Starlight hushed her. Button's mom had entered his room. He still played on, but she talked with him, saying things that neither the unicorn or alicorn could hear. The mother then giggled cutely and left again.

Starlight snarled. "That whore, teaching that colt to view mares as objects! Oh, when I get my hooves on her..."

"It wouldn't be wise to threaten someone in front of me, Starlight," Twilight whispered. "Ever since you knocked Featherweight across half of Equestria, I'd take your threats seriously."

Starlight lowered the binoculars. "Oh? Whatcha ya gonna do? Arrest me?"

"I'm princess, so yes, I can arrest you," Twilight stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, you shouldn't. I'm trying to help this poor boy. His mother lets him have these video games and he'll grow up to be a sexist bigot that believes mares are hopeless without a stallion. I just can't let that happen."

"Spike plays video games too. I doubt he'll grow up into one of those," Twilight said.

Starlight pressed a hoof into Twilight's chest. "Oh he will! As long as this patriarchal society makes female characters into weak sluts, there will be sexist pigs. He's already going down that path too. Spike loves Rarity, but only because Rarity is the sexiest mare in town! That unicorn is racist and a whore, but yet Spike falls for her anyway. He just cares about her mane and all. I bet if another mare had that mane style, he drool over her too!"

"Hey! He's not that shallow. But...yeah, you're not completely wrong there. Guess I'll go talk with him."

"Ahah! So you see now. That's why I'm gonna save this colt."

"And how are you going to achieve that?"

Starlight froze. The only thing that moved were her eyelids, moving up and down in absent blinking. It was easy to tell that she was perplexed by this question and could not come up with any valid answer.

"That's....That's a good question," she muttered finally.

"What? Are you afraid of her or something?" Twilight mockingly gestured at the small house.

"Of course I am! She's....she's a wicked one, that mare. You haven't seen her stare. It's frightening."

"Heh, I thought you were little 'Miss Visionary.' I doubt the great progressive thinkers backed down cause of one mother's little glare. You can take her," Twilight said with a one-sided smile.

"Do you really mean that or are you being sarcastic?" Starlight asked sincerely.

"I don't believe in sarcasm," Twilight said sarcastically.

"Oh! Well then, I'm glad you believe in me. I need to confront her. Not only for her terrible parenting skills, but she made me purchase an item by force! She used my money! The jerk! I'll teach her to mess with this equalist!"

Starlight charged out from the bush and at the house. Twilight then watched the events unfold. There was yelling, screaming and a quick conclusion. Starlight galloped to the house and flew away from it. Well, she flew away at about 120 mph and straight into a tree. The distance almost broke the record for farthest buck in Ponyville. Fortunately, Maud still held the record by 36 and half feet.

Tiny video game controllers circled around Starlight's head for the rest of the day. But everything was okay as Sugar Belle visited her in the hospital with her Ponystation 4. After a long lecture to her equal pony, Starlight grew tired and simply gave up. Sugar Belle put in Dead or Alive, and they played it until visitor hours were over.

=

Sta-Mare-I Dunno

"Woo! Glad that monster is taken care of!"

Twilight wiped her brow as she watched the once ferocious hydra scrambled out of Ponyville and towards the bog where it came from. With its giant tale between its fat legs, it was obvious that it admitted defeat. With it gone, Ponyville was saved once again!

"Wow! Twilight you wrecked that monster!" Spike cheered. "Ponies are gonna love you today!"

Twilight giggled in response to the eager dragon. "You really think so?"

"Heck yeah! Trust me, Equestria's gonna be so happy about all the times you've saved everypony that you'll win Mare of the Year!"

"Wow, Mare of the Year? I like the sound of it, hehe."

It was next month in Canterlot, where thousands gathered in front of the Royal Palace to host the Best Pony Awards. It was going to be an amazing event. It always had been a great time even though most of the awards were superficial anyway. Everypony watched them and everypony enjoyed it. So it was a great annual event.

Twilight and Spike took their seats next to Applejack and Rarity. Rainbow always thought these things were boring and never went to them. Fluttershy enjoyed the most of the six friends, but she was out of sight. She had probably been swept away by the roving crowd. Luna was there too, as she was the previous Mare of the Year winner. Since Celestia was still away, the mares for the trophy had a much more even playing field.

"So, who ya think is gonna win Mare of the Year?" Spike asked Rarity and Applejack.

Rarity spoke first. "Well, I thought it would be me, darling, but I seem to have lost all my awards this year. Coco even beat me at Fashion Plate's magazine awards. She won a fashion award without even having a line! So excuse me if I doubt I will win."

"Aw shucks, I have no idea," Applejack shrugged. "Having these awards seems bit vain to me. Darn tootin' if ya win, Twi. I'd be satisfied as a tick in June if ya take the award from Luna."

"Thanks," Twilight said awkwardly as she tried to understand Applejack's odd countryism.

"Shush! It's starting!" Spike exclaimed.

An elderly unicorn mare stood on the stage and waved a hoof at the crowd. Using her magic to project her voice, she spoke to the thousands of Equestrians.

"Welcome to the 16th annual Best Pony Awards!"

She went on, but it was the usual hostess cliches that everypony knew already. As the awards went on, ponies were given the small glass trophies for all kinds of stuff. A griffon earned one and a certain dragon earned one as well. He always got the "Equestrian Dragon" award because well, he was the only one who could. Celestia ordered that to be an award some years ago. It was something he always got as a token of appreciation from the princesses.

But enough of that. It was time for the award most waited for. The Mare of the Year award. Was it going to be Cadance? Luna? Twilight? Mayor Mare? Spitfire? Nopony knew. So all of them were on the edge of their seats when the hostess opened the envelope that had the fated name.

"Winner of the Mare of the Year is...."

(of course, drumroll time that was performed by Pinkie)

"Orchard Blossom!"

"What?" Twilight's excited smile left her instantly.

A roar came from the crowd. It was a bit mixed with cheers and confused "huhs?" Who was Orchard Blossom? Nopony wanted to ask that because it would be rude. Rarity, Twilight and Spike sat agape while Applejack shrunk in her chair.

They soon spied the mare who was walking up to take the award. Well, at least...she was dressed like one. A hulking mare with an obvious fake wig and excess amounts of makeup walked up to be awarded. It did not take long for Twilight to find out who the mare really was.

"Isn't that Big Mac?" she hissed the question at Applejack.

"Eenope," Applejack's face scrunched up and her eyes looked away.

"It is!" Twilight tensed up. "Why is a stallion getting Mare of the Year? What's with that?!"

An equal pony in the row in front of them turned around. His blue eyes glared daggers at Twilight. "Hey! Have some respect! It takes some bravery for a transsexual to come out like that! She's got twice the heart than you!"

"What?" Twilight flared. "Are you kiddin' me?! He's not a mare!"

"It's not my fault you are such a bigot, jerkface," the equal pony growled. "She deserves the award if ya like it or not."

"This is bullsh-"

Starlight giggled mockingly from a nearby chair. "Oh, poor Twilight! How does it feel to be on the losing end? Pretty bad huh? I wish I could feel an ounce of sympathy for you, but I can't. Sorry, honey."

"You planned this!" Twilight barked.

"Me?" Starlight looked shocked. "Of course not! Equestria is now filling slowly with progressive and modern thinking. This is just a fruit of my labor. I did not plan this in any way."

"Weren't you just last week telling me about the patriarchal society in Equestria? Aren't you a bit upset that a stallion earned Mare of the Year?"

Twilight thought she was gaining an edge on Starlight, but the pink unicorn simply laughed. "I don't see a stallion up there and neither should you. My feminist views are not in jeopardy. Nice try though."

"Ugh!" Twilight screamed and uncharacteristically slammed her hoof on the ground. Accepting defeat, she sat back down in her seat with her front legs crossed. "Why didn't you tell me, Applejack?"

"No reason," Applejack replied without looking in Twilight's direction.

"I can't believe I lost a mare-only competition to Big Mac!" Twilight growled while she and Spike flew down towards Ponyville the day after the event was over.

"Eh, ya win some, you lose some," Spike shrugged from atop her back.

"I get that...It's just...Big Mac of all ponies."

She landed by Applejack's apple stand where Applejack stood selling her apples. She was not alone as her big brother....Big.....Mac....was there....without....any....makeup or dresses......

"Big Mac?" Twilight asked incredulously. "Why aren't you...a mare?"

He simply blinked at her without a care. Applejack rubbed the back of her neck nervously. "Whatcha talkin' about there, Twi?"

Twilight's eyes darted to the apple pony. "You know what I am talking about."

"Yeah!" Spike interjected. "Big Mac, why aren't you girly-fied?"

He shrugged lazily.

"These are some pretty odd questions ya got here, Twi. Have ya been drinkin' too much cider or something?" Applejack asked with the worst poker face ever.

"Stop lying Applejack, you're not good at it," Twilight said simply.

They paused as another pony approached the four of them. It was Starlight, still haughty over her victory yesterday. She stopped before the princess with her smugness.

"Good morning, Twilight. You too, Applejack and...and Orchard Blossom?" her eye twitched. "Forgive me for being confrontational, but you um, look like your old Big Mac form."

"You two? By Equestria, did ya two have some heavy stuff last night?" Applejack gulped.

"Ahem," Big Mac started. "Don't ya worry 'bout me. I'm back to my old self."

Starlight's jaws hung open. "But...But you...What happened? Did you not think being a mare suited you? I can't understand."

"Being a mare?" he chuckled. "I just did that to win a bet."

Applejack's face met the apple stand. A low frustrated growl left the wood her mouth was in. "Why'd ya have to say it?"

"Wha-?" Starlight, Spike, and Twilight gasped simultaneously.

Big Mac smiled. "Oh it's nothin' 'cept a sibling bet. Applejack thought I couldn't be a good mare. I told her I could be the best. I won. Hehe. Best 30 bits I ever earned."

"It was all a lie?!?" Starlight's face reddened. "The first transsexual to win is a damn fake?!?"

Big Mac nodded slowly. "Eeyup."

Some strands flew out of Starlight's mane. It was clear she was not taking this well. "Oh! Everything is fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Nopony has to know about this. Nope. Equality wins. Equality still wins."

"So we do live in a patriarchal society," Twilight giggled. "Any stallion can just take mare trophies when they please."

"Shut up!" Starlight hissed. "Just shut up!"

"Hehe!" Spike laughed. "Well, Starlight, at least the first trans winner didn't kill somepony with a cart or something."

Tears began to flow out of Starlight's angry eyes. "That isn't helping!"

=

Author's Note

Nothing is sacred.....

Nuthin'

Campus Ideology

Campus Ideology

"I think we should go over it one more time, Spike."

"Aww! But Twilight, we've done it like six times already."

"And seven times will be even better."

"And then eight..."

"And then nine!"

Twilight clapped her hooves together in excitement. Hundreds of flash cards were in front of her. Spike rolled his eyes and prepared the projector for a rerun of her presentation. It was late into the night, but the princess refused to stop at this time. The empty lecture hall was started to become cold and felt a little spooky to the young dragon.

"My presentation to the students of Celestia's school will be amazing. I've worked so hard on my speech about cutie marks and the magic of friendship! This must be perfect."

"Ya also need your rest, Twilight. Don't ya wanna be awake to give the lecture tomorrow?" Spike asked.

"Of course, but a little more reassurance will not hinder that. Come on Spike, let's start again. From the top."

"Phooey..."

Twilight walked up to the podium of the lecture hall, just about to give her presentation to the crowd of unicorn students before her. Spike was in the middle of the crowd, dutifully preparing the projector so that her presentation could start accordingly. The princess was nervous, of course, but she did the royal sigh that Cadance taught her. It helped little, but she was ready. It was time to show them why she was the top student ever at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

"Welcome! Welcome!" she started, using magic to project her voice. "I see that you all are awake this morning! Even though you know who I am, let me introduce myself. I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship and graduate from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Of course, I say 'graduate' loosely here, as one can never truly graduate from any school. We stay students for all of our lives. Even Celestia and Luna will admit to that.

"So, to continue your studies, I am here to enlighten you about the magic of friendship and the workings of cutie marks. Yes, cutie marks. I know all of you are far too old to have a preschool subject like this, but cutie marks are a symbol of pony society and not a simple one at that. They affect all of us in myriads of ways. To simply have cutie marks be taught in elementary and first grade classes does not suit the total complexity that is the cutie mark. Now, to rightfully start this-"

"This mare preaches cutie mark destiny!"

"Who said that?"

Twilight was suddenly shocked to see several ponies, of which some were not unicorn, stand up and protest against her. They started yelling and shouting and make the crowd go into turmoil. The princess was so taken aback by this, she simply stood there and watched.

"This is no place for such heinous talk!" one very pink unicorn shouted. "You offend these poor students with your bigotry!"

"Starlight!? What are you doing here?" Twilight was shocked. "And what are you-"

"Down with cutie marks! Down with destiny!" the equal ponies shouted her down.

"Please calm down. This is an informative lecture, not a political presentation. Why are you guys offended?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, calling this 'informative' only shows how biased you are for cutie marks!" Starlight yelled. "Cutie marks produced hatred and reasons for bullying, both to the young and old. They don't help! They cause misery and yet you promote them! Such hatred! How can you stand there and preach such doctrines to these poor students? You traumatize them! You fill their heads with nonsense! Your lies spread like a disease. A DISEASE!"

Starlight and some of her companions trotted down the steps to the bottom of the hall where Twilight still stood perplexed. Like usual, the unicorn pointed an accusing hoof at the princess.

"You are the reason we need safe spaces!"

Twilight's confusion faded and was replaced with annoyance. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Starlight said with the sass of a pegasus. "Now if you ev-"

"Would you be quiet!" another shrill voice filled the hall.

Everypony was now quiet as one beige unicorn stared at Starlight with fire in her eyes. The old dull sweater she was wearing seemed to come undone from her anger alone. Before her was a quill and paper, but the quill was poked right through the parchment as she had driven it through there with shear rage.

"I was going to have a pleasant time recording all this lecture!" Moon Dancer growled. "And you come in with your little insignificant complaints and ruin it!"

"Aren't you important?" Starlight returned fire. "I see, what's this, a unicorn's got a complaint? Well, guess what, you little prick, I know you want to flaunt your privilege, but you don't think about others. I protest here for the good of students! If you don't understand that, you're too privileged to know you're privileged!"

"Oh yeah?" Moon Dancer snarled. "Maybe you'll talk smarter when I remove her head from your ass!"

"Moon Dancer!" Twilight exclaimed in shock. "Please calm down. This is no place for violence!"

"Yet you come in with your hatred and misinformed knowledge," Starlight huffed at the princess.

"You calm down too! Look, I see that you don't agree with me, but can you please, I don't know, leave so that those who do want to hear me have the chance too? Wait!" Twilight gasped as an idea entered her read. "Would you like to have a debate on why the cutie mark is hurtful versus my reasoning that the mark is beneficial?"

"Have a debate?" Starlight jeered. "There's nothing to debate! You're wrong and ignorant. You should not be here! You need to leave this campus and we shall implement a safe space for all those you have defiled today!"

"OK...Seriously Starlight, I can't even follow you anymore..." Twilight shrugged.

"How dare-what?" Starlight's harsh words were cut off by her innocent confusion.

"Aren't you a visionary?" Twilight asked. "Why won't you debate then? All true visionaries had to back up their views under pressure. This is a campus. Conflicting ideologies are our specialty. I'm giving you the opportunity to tell your side."

Starlight blinked in confusion and started to back away. "Uhh, sure. I don't think that will be appropriate. This is a campus, but it is filled with bigotry and ignorance. They will not hear me out. Umm...I think it is best for me to leave now. Besides, you're too wrong to argue with." She looked at her equal ponies. "We got our message across, let's go."

"Starlight! Wait!" Twilight called out, but it was useless as the equal ponies left the hall. The place became quiet once more. Well, until one beige unicorn opened her mouth.

"Good riddance, I would have kicked her ass to Baltimare. Hope she drowns in the public fountain," Moon Dancer said with vigor.

"Moon Dancer!" Twilight hissed. "Do you need to leave too?"

"Why would I?" Moon Dancer said in her grumpy voice.

"Because you are wishing violence. Please calm down," Twilight softly commanded.

Moon Dancer looked about to see the other unicorns staring at her. Still grumpy, she crossed her front legs and sighed in frustration. "Alright..."

"Good. Now, that everything has settled down. Let's begin."

"I'm not done with you!"

Starlight burst back into the hall like a hurricane. "How dare you continue your damn lecture! Do you not care about the minds you are ruining? This is no place for cutie marks! I will not let you continue your preaching of false ideas!"

"That's it!" Moon Dancer got up. "Time to tango, loser!"

"Let's go hornhead!" Starlight growled back.

"Girls! No!" Twilight tried to interfere.

All chaos was set loose and Twilight never got to her lecture. A brutal brawl was on the lecture hall floor and the students chipped in by throwing pencils and pens at the combatants. The Royal Guard were called in and both unicorns were arrested for disturbing the peace. The students who watched the event were truly traumatized and shared their disturbed feelings on social media the day after. However, some stallions greatly enjoyed the show and rated it ten out of ten stars. Oh wait, they were disturbed too. Yup. Twilight was not allowed to lecture there again as her presence "caused great disturbance for the welfare of the students," which was reflected in the fact that, after the event, several students poured fake blood on themselves like they were in some Discordian cult . The implementation of safe spaces was promptly approved by student petition. This petition also banned the head of the school, former Princess Celestia, from campus grounds. To quote one student "somepony that white and old shouldn't be allowed in a freethinking environment."

=

Author's Note

I just realized this is like a parody of one of my other stories "The Whisper of Freedom." Only in that one, I have actual arguments against cutie marks. Get it together, Starlight.

Pie Violence

"I can't believe I'm doing this..."

Twilight stood in the middle of Appleloosa. Two Royal Guards flanked her and one blew a trumpet to announce her royal arrival. The sounding trumpet drew hatted ponies out from their taverns, churches, and pubs. Even Sheriff Silverstar came out of his office. With the whole town there and ready to listen to the Princess of Friendship, Twilight began.

"I, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, am here to inform you our nation's newest proclamation. The use of pies as a defensive or offensive weapon is now prohibited by Equestrian Royalty. Pies counted in this include, apple, cherry, blueberry, coconut cream, lemon, lime, pear, banana, cheese, and strawberry. To anyone who wishes to keep their pies, we must warn you: the Royal Guard will confiscate all weaponized pies. That is all," she finished weakly

A deadly silence followed the order. Twilight could hear her own breathing above the sandy winds. Not a single face was smiling. Not a single pony showed any happy emotions. Gulping in fear, Twilight's hooves rattled nervously and she tried to smile.

"I know you all love your pies so much, but this is for public safety. Pie violence is at an all time high in Equestria. The Royalty have been forced to take pies away to keep Equestrians safe. Banning pies will keep us safe, right? It is our right to keep safe, not have the right to harm another."

There was still silence in the town. Nopony moved. Nopony made a sound. Sweat started to fall down Twilight's temples. She nervously rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. Her wings shifted uneasily.

"It's like this. Pie violence is bad, right? Well, without pies, how can you have pie violence? It's a valid and simple argument. There are several nations who don't entrust pies to their citizens. They handle it just fine. There's nothing wrong with us joining them."

Now the Appleloosans weren't even blinking. It was like they were haunting statues. Here was an army of earth ponies, simply staring at her. She had offended them. She had roused up some hidden fury in each of them. She was physically shaking now.

"I...It doesn't take much....Just hand over your pies and we'll discard of them properly. If you fear your protection, the Royal Guard will secure our borders. Only the military should have weapons, right? Right? We all are respectable ponies, right? No one here should disobey the law. Right? Please? Please? Come on, we know you have pies around here. Be good Equestrians and give them up. Please don't hurt me..."

Sheriff Silverstar took a mighty step forward, finally breaking the horrifying silence. "You have some right to take away our means of protection, then we have the right to protect our freedom."

"If you are implying you are going to attack me, I am royalty. I'm the government. I'm the Princess of Friendship, only trying to spread more friendship. It would be wrong to harm anypony. Please be considerate."

"Ya think ya can waltz in here and take our pies?!" Bareburn shouted. "How bold!"

"I love my pies!"

"Me too!"

"Get out of town, ya Royal Pain!"

Twilight was breathing quickly. "I am in no way your enemy. I ask with courtesy. We must stop pie violence."

"We'll show you pie violence!"

"That's a threat against Royalty. Also known as treachery," Twilight said.

"Then call us traitors!" Silverstar huffed. "Because we ain't gonna follow ya rules!"

"I implore you," Twilight stammered. "Please! I am the Princess of Frie-"

POW

POW

POWPOWPOW

After being plastered with pies of every flavor, Twilight slowly walked through her castle's hallways. She had been defeated. Utterly defeated by pies. Her two Royal Guards were now in the hospital, most likely for food allergy poisoning. It had been a terrible day and she was smelling of blueberries...and perhaps cherries.

As she slumped about in defeat, Spike spotted her passing. He poked his head out of a comic book and raised a brow at the princess. She sighed and stopped near him when she noticed that he saw her.

"So, it didn't work, did it?" he asked.

"No," Twilight sighed. "I followed my plans perfectly. Step 1: take away pies from the civilians. Step 2: increase the military. Step 3: take over Equestria and become supreme princess. Step 4: spread friendship throughout the nation via governmental systems and protocols. I didn't even get step 1 done..."

"Wait, you wanted to take over Equestria?" Spike blinked.

"Well of course! And to do that, I must take away the ponies' abilities to fight back. Those darn pies!" she shook her hoof in anger.

Spike got up from where he was sitting and walked over to the alicorn. One long finger swiped up some blue goo and he tasted it. He then nodded in satisfaction.

"Yum! Those Appleloosans sure know how to bake."

"You're not helping, Spike."

"So, how ya gonna take over Equestria now?"

"I think I'll ban cider next...That'll end drunken violence, right?"

===

Author's Note

Stop the pie violence! Use fritters instead!

Danger Zone

"Starlight, what are you doing?"

"Helping Ponyville, that's all."

"In the middle of the park?"

"Yes..."

"With yellow paint?"

"Yeah..."

"What are you doing?"

Starlight was annoyed now. With a long, frustrated sigh, she threw her yellow spray can into the air. Not even bothering to catch it, the can plopped on the grassy ground of the park. A very confused Princess of Friendship (who was failing mightily in approval polls) simply watched the peculiar unicorn.

"Isn't this vandalizing public property?" Twilight asked as she pointed at the large yellow circle in the middle of the park's field.

"This is no more vandalizing than putting a warning sign before a cliff," Starlight replied.

"Or putting an insulting sign in front of Rarity's house?" Twilight added smugly.

"That wasn't vandalizing, that was protesting."

"Whatever..."

Starlight picked up another spray can and began to shake it. While whistling some generic tune, she went to work spraying bright neon yellow paint all over the grass. Not even ten feet away from her first circle, she made another identical shape.

"There's no powerlines underneath there," Twilight told her casually.

"I know!" Starlight huffed. "This isn't about stupid powerlines. This is much more important."

"You know, if you don't stop, I'll escort you out of the park," Twilight said in her nice tone.

"When you realize the importance of my work, you'll hail me as a hero," Starlight told her with a grin.

"Well, until then, you're just a vandal," Twilight shrugged.

When Starlight completed the second circle, she threw the can away just like the first one. "Alright, these two circles are places of freethinking where neither side throws arguments to the other." She gestured at the first circle. "These ponies may think what they want and the ponies in the other circle may think what they want. Less arguing, more friendship, no? So both of these circles may be safe from prosecution. It will be illegal to throw a differing opinion in the circle."

"I'm confused..."

Starlight leaned on the princess. "Ponies argue, right? Well, this will protect ponies from mean bigots who simply wish to spread more harm. They'll sit in these selected circles and be themselves without judgement. I had one of these in Our Town. It was by the Cutie Vault. I call them 'Safe Zones.'"

"That sounds great and all, but what prevents ponies from shouting over the paint barriers?"

"It's a work in progress," Starlight shrugged nervously.

"Then what's the next step?"

"The next step is to turn these paint circles into actual structures and allow safe zones to be implemented in all sorts of areas. Schools, parks, other public areas. And with these safe zones, we shall have places of peace and healing. No arguments, no sadness, everyone wins!"

"Uh-huh... Don't we have these already?"

"We do?"

"Yeah, like your home?"

"Now why would that be a safe zone?"

"Cause 'home, sweet home?'"

Starlight shook her head. "No. Safe zones must be a place of no differing opinions and a place of friendship. At home, you have siblings and ugh, parents. Everypony can have differing opinions, even if they are family. Families argue, families demand, families have brats. No, it would not do. Besides, why lock yourself up from the world and stay in your home?"

"How's that different than locking yourself up in safe zone?"

"Well, safe zones aren't supposed to be just by yourself. There will be others in the safe zone that have had similar trials, same viewpoints, and mutual interests. It will also help make lasting friendships."

Twilight nodded her head. "I see. Why not just go out and make friends rather than relying on this?"

"Because rejection is a hard thing. So is finding someone in this vast world that thinks like you. There are more bigoted jerks than there are good ponies."

"Who are the bigots in this case?"

"Why, those who will mock these safe zones of course."

"So if I use one, I won't be a bigot?"

"Well....yeah?"

Twilight then walked into the safe zone circle and plopped down with a smile. Starlight raised a brow but said nothing at the alicorn's movement. The princess cleared her throat and pointed a rude hoof at Starlight.

"Your safe zones suck," she said triumphantly.

"Hey!" Starlight snarled. "You jerkface!"

"Uh-uh huh!" Twilight silenced her. "I'm in a safe zone, you can't throw any insults at me."

"That's not how it works!"

"What was that? Can't hear you over the yellow paint," Twilight smiled.

"You are misusing the system! This is for ponies to use to be safe from other opinions, not throw out nonsense!"

"What's the problem? I'm using this safe zone like I think it should be used. I say this safe zone is great for making curt and rude responses to other ponies. Since you have a differing opinion, you can't say anything against me. I. Am. Right. You. Are. Wrong. Bigot!"

"This is so stupid!" Starlight gestured madly at the princess. "You don't even know the first thing about safe zones! This isn't a safe zone, this is a hate ditch! Ponies who do this are just surrounding themselves with like-minded jerks that no one will ever prove wrong! If nopony can get to these bigots, who will tell them they're wrong? If they just stick themselves in such hate-ridden infested and diseased locations, they'll always be ignorant sons of bitches!"

"What was that? Sorry, your differing opinion doesn't register here. I'm in a safe zone, baby!"

"Boo, you whore!"

Starlight snorted through her nostrils very horse-like and stomped away. Twilight, giggling to herself, jumped out of the circle and called out to the fleeing pony.

"Starlight, wait! Don't you just realize what you said?"

"I know that I speak absolute truth!" Starlight yelled back. "Ponies like you are the reason we need safe zones!"

"But you yourself just explained why safe zones are bad! Don't you realize that?"

Starlight slammed her hoof down. "I did nothing of the sort! Now go meet some ponies who actually believe in something good and truthful! Don't surround yourself with idiots that think like you. Because they are just as wrong as you!"

Starlight ran off in anger. Twilight's eye twitched and twitched again. She cringed and then buried her face in both her hooves and her wings for doubling effect. She mumbled something but soon unburied herself to look in the distance. Her head simply slowly shaking in disappointment.

"Well, Applejack, looks like Starlight has overthrown you as world's most stubborn pony..."

"Hey who vandalized the grass?!" a pony shouted.

"I think it was Princess Twilight!" another yelled.

"What an asshole!" a stallion snarled.

"Hey! That's racist, jerk!" another stallion yelled at the first.

"Oh no..." Twilight sighed.

=

Author's Note

My story is a safe space. Please, no hate comments here. I won't even read them.

Won't. Even. Read. Them.

-Cheers for That!

Post Dramatic Disorder

"Look at all this candy!"

Pinkie was bouncing around the throne room of Twilight's castle, happily partaking in the simple rituals of Family Appreciation Day. Of course, she would have to be with her real family that day, but she had to make trips to all her families, including her friends. So at this moment, she was visiting Twilight, who was also looking at the small pile of candy of the Cutie Map.

"Oh boy! Are there gems in the pile?" Spike eagerly asked.

"Probably not, but I'll get some for you later, little brother," Twilight said and petted the scaly head with love.

"Hey!" Starlight called when she came in the room. "What's going on?"

"Starlight!" Twilight waved, but upon seeing her, stopped. "What happened to your mane?"

"My mane?" Starlight nervously responded. "I....uh...made Rarity redo it..."

"You actually talked to Rarity?" Spike was shocked.

"I'm...I'm not proud of it," Starlight mumbled.

"Well, doesn't matter," Twilight giggled. "Come on, we have candy, we'll share."

Starlight, uncharacteristically, walked up to the Cutie Map with severe nervousness. She took a seat in Rainbow's throne. When she sat down, Pinkie excitedly pushed a bunch of candy towards her.

"We got Swirls, chocolate bunnies, and Sunburst chewies," Pinkie said.

Starlight suddenly froze, her eyes twitching madly and sweat pouring down her face. Her pupils were mere pinpricks as she stared into space. The other ponies looked at each other and then back at the pink unicorn.

"Starlight?" Twilight asked.

The unicorn shook her head and snapped at of whatever she was doing. "Oh? Sorry. What was that, Pinkie?"

"You wanna Sunburst?" the earth pony held up a colorful chewy piece of candy.

"Gah!" Starlight reeled her head back and started breathing in short gasps.

"Pinkie, what did you do to her?" Spike asked worriedly.

"I just said Sunburst!" Pinkie shrugged. "I swear."

The pink unicorn was now sideways in the throne, gasping for air and whispering incoherent mumbling. She soon got the strength to turn her head and look at Pinkie with frightened eyes.

"Don't. Say. That. Word."

"Sunburst?" Pinkie gulped.

"Yes! That one!" she growled back.

"It's because Sun-thing was a friend of hers way back," Twilight explained.

"And that friendship still haunts me! You don't realize how traumatic it was!"

"You mean when he left you because of a cutie mark?" Spike deadpanned.

"Exactly! I suffer from PTSD because of it! You should all respect that!"

"Respect you being dramatic?" Twilight sighed. "You do know what PTSD stands for, right?"

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! I suffer from it!"

"I'm sorry, but you don't," Twilight frowned.

"Of course that'll be just what you say! Damn you, Twilight! Can't you believe anything I say? Sunburst was a good friend and I lost him, never to make a friend again! The memories haunt me and his name triggers them!"

"There are those out there with real PTSD, Starlight. I don't think your mishaps with friends can create that. You're just being overly dramatic. Like, even more dramatic than Rarity," Twilight said simply.

"Don't mind Twilight," Pinkie said suddenly. "I kinda understand what you're feeling."

"Pinkie?" Twilight blinked in confusion.

Pinkie wrapped a leg around Starlight's shoulder. "I'm not sure if I've told Starlight, but my childhood was not happy or fun in the slightest. Like, not one bit! It was not until Rainbow's sonic rainboom did I see any beauty in the world. And my parents were very strict, even after the rainboom. That doesn't mean I hate them or anything. I'll be visiting them real soon."

"Yes, Pinkie," Twilight sighed. "That's not PTSD either."

"Well, I didn't say it was, silly filly! We all have troubling times in our lives. That's why I love, love, love to go out and make ponies smile. Not because the world is just a happy place, but because it's not a happy place. Why be someone to spread more contempt to a world full of it when you can add love and care?"

"Are you suggesting I'm in the wrong here?" Twilight frowned.

"Well, yes and no," Pinkie nervously smiled. "You're right that Starlight's feelings are probably exaggerated, but I'd say you're wrong to denounce her feelings. Sometimes even the simplest of things can really hurt somepony. I mean, I hate it and all when ponies think I'm not the best party planner. Why? It's not because of my ego, it's because I won't be a part of their happiness which saddens me and reminds me of a time when I had no happiness. When you guys didn't come to Gummy's after party, I lost it. And that's just me. Fluttershy has tons more fears, but we don't go to her and say her fears aren't true."

"Fine," Twilight sighed again. "Starlight, do you want to talk about Sunburst?"

"I think I'll go to my safe space and come out when I've calmed down," was the answer.

"Seriously?" Spike face-clawed.

"Well yes. All this talk about my horrible moments of life and threatening my well-being. I'm glad Pinkie sees some of me within her, but she still says I do not suffer from PTSD, so she is still a damaging viewpoint that is being hurled at me. See you guys later, maybe."

"There's no getting to you, is there?" Twilight rolled her eyes.

Starlight walked out and into the hallway. Because of the castles odd pathways, she had to walk by the main entrance. When she was near it, the sound of knocking came from the door.

"I guess I'll get it..." Starlight huffed.

She walked over it and opened it to see a orange and white unicorn stallion with round glasses before her. He smiled at her nervously and her eyes widened. A nasty snarl formed on her lips.

"Hey?" Sunburst began. "I heard you were living with the Princess of Friendship here. I knew you were in the Crystal Empire to see the Crystalling and how Princess Cadance threw you out of a window and all..."

"You! Awful! Horrible! Lousy! Friend!"

"What?"

Starlight pounced on the poor stallion and began knocking the snot out of him. Short "ow's" and "oh's" came from the wizard as each hoof met his now uneven face.

Up above from the throne room's window, Twilight, Spike, and Pinkie watched the event unfold. While the other two had looks of concern, Twilight simply had a smug expression.

"Uh, shouldn't we help him?" Spike asked.

"Nah, this is good for her PTSD," Twilight said. "You know, overcoming fears and all."

"Um, Twilight?" Pinkie asked worriedly. "He's gettin' the cupcake batter knocked out of him."

Twilight then blinked once. "You're right. Let's go save him."

"You horrible friend!" Starlight yelled.

"I'm sorry! Whatever I did, I'm sorry!"

She then stopped punching and looked down at him with tears in her eyes. "Oh! You magnificent bastard! I've missed you so much!"

Starlight wrapped her hooves and his neck and began crying on his fluffy chest. His face was sore from the blows, but he had enough strength to smile at her. Finally, he thought, she calmed down. His hooves patted her on the back softly.

"Mares, I'll never understand how their minds work."

Starlight then lifted her head once more with fire in her eyes. "You misogynistic jerk!"

"I'm sorry! I take it back!" he croaked as one of her hooves was about to smack him.

"Aw," she sniffled. "I love you!"

She returned to snuggling him on the ground. The trio finally arrived only to see the two friends interacting in that manner. Twilight and Pinkie glanced at each other confusedly.

"Well, guess he doesn't need saving," Twilight said.

"Of course he does. He's not single anymore," Spike stated knowingly. "Poor guy."

=

Author's Note

I really loved Starlight in the premiere. I liked Sunburst too. I'm definintely shipping them. Which is rare since I dislike shipping in general.

You're not with me?

Fine...

How dare you have a differing opinion, you bigot.

The Right to Nonsense

"Twilight! TWWWWIIILLLLIIGGHTTTT!!"

"I'm awake!" the Princess of Friendship leaped from her bed. "I'm awake!"

"Twilight! Come here, now!"

Twilight scrambled through the halls of her castle and ran to the calling voice. Her heart raced with anxious excitement due to the severity of the cries for help. Finally, she reached the caller, who was sitting in her throne and looking at a newspaper.

"What is this?" Starlight pointed at an article. "What is this?"

Twilight's eyes drooped. "What's the matter, Starlight?"

"It's your Princess Luna, that's what. She's lost her mind."

"You would know about losing one's mind, don't you," Twilight remarked lazily.

Starlight ignored the comment. "Luna is not banning Clover the Clever's image from Celestia's School for Gifted Ponies."

"Unicorns," Twilight corrected.

"Whatever."

"Why would anyone ban Clover? She was a great witch and a wise one at that."

Starlight shoved the newspaper into Twilight's face. "Because Clover is a racist! How can a modern, progressive Equestrian society honor such filth? It's a disgrace."

"But Clover was a progressive for her time. She was one of the first ponies to help end the Three Tribes and unite ponykind. How is she racist?"

"Should of known you were ignorant like Luna. You don't even that Clover thought earth ponies as 'mud ponies.'"

Twilight looked at her with a bemused expression. "Um, citation needed."

"Citation?" Starlight spat. "Sorry, but everypony knows about this except you apparently. She also worked with racist unicorns and the most racist of them all: Princess Platinum."

"Yeah, but they were racist because of their time. That's just how they were. The pegasi were even more racist than the unicorns. I mean, the pegasi would fly earth ponies up to Cloudsdale just to watch them fall through the clouds..."

"So? I'm sure the pegasi had their reasons, but the unicorns certainly did not! Clover had no reasons to belittle earth ponies or pegasi. She was racist, a jerk, and an imbecile!"

"Alright, let's say she was racist, but why should that be a reason to remove any image of her from campus?"

"Because it's offensive!"

Twilight frowned. "I knew that was going to be the answer."

"Why?" Starlight suddenly asked.

"Well, because everything that concerns you is about being offended," Twilight remarked.

"Well, that's not true, but in this case, yes. As a progressive society, we should eliminate any influence by those who are racist, offensive, or believe in outdated dogmas."

"Starlight, listen, we need to remember ponies, be them good or bad," Twilight said and leaned on her friend's shoulder.

"Why? That would only keep evil in the world."

"Not really. You see, ponies used to be a very savage race, especially in Clover's time. You have to admit, we are a lot better than what we were before. The reason for this is history. I mean, why do we teach history? Well, because we need to learn from the mistakes of others. It's actually that simple. For all we know, Clover could have been a complete racist, but that doesn't take away from her tremendous achievements. You wouldn't be able to um... 'help' minorities without her. Through history, we learn her mistakes and don't commit them and we learn about the good she did in her time and try to replicate that in our time. Discourage what should be discouraged and encourage what should be encouraged. Censoring it should not be the answer."

"Hmph, of course you think that," Starlight pushed her away. "Only a racist would want to keep racists in influence. Equestria is a racist country ruled by racist ponies. We need to remove Clover and have more statues of Hurricane, the true hero."

"Hurricane was a warmonger and a cruel ruler," Twilight rolled her eyes.

"He had a reason, he was the pegasus ruler in a time of being oppressed by unicorns."

"By the Sun! Starlight, the only reason you want him is because he's a pegasus, that's racist!"

"Only a racist would say that."

"Have you learned anything?"

"I've learned that I'll need more protests from my ponies and need more petitions on the internet! I won't stop until I...I mean we win! The equal ponies shall triumph once again! The Three Tribes still exist and need to be united!"

Starlight took the newspaper and ran out of the throne room. Twilight's left eye twitched three times, each with a whole second between them. She heard the outraged pony yell at her newly acquired coltfriend before leaving. The pressure in Twilight's head was building, soon bursting out as she fell to her knees and faced the high crystal ceiling.

"Celestia, why do I have to be her damn teacher?" she screamed at the nothingness in utter desperation.

=

When Sharpies™ Attack!

"Sunburst! Sunburst! Help!"

"Starlight?" a certain failed wizard came rushing towards her marefriend. "What is it?"

"It's THAT!"

Starlight pointed a scared hoof at a fountain in the middle of the Canterlot park they were in. Her teeth chattered in fear, her lips quivered, and her eyes bugged out in pure fright. Sunburst gasped upon seeing the dastardly fountain, but soon raised a brow and looked at his marefriend curiously.

"What's wrong with it? It's a fountain," he said simply.

"It's the fountain, you idiot!" Starlight grabbed his confused face. "It's the words that have been written on it!"

Sunburst gently removed her hooves and walked over to the seemingly evil fountain. He magically adjusted his glasses to see the vandalizing text that was on the old marble. There in thick black lines said the words "FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC."

"What's so bad about these words?" he asked nervously.

"Sunburst, you idiot!" Starlight snarled as she too approached the fountain. "There is clearly a radical Twilight supporter here in this very park! What is written here is one of Twilight's slanderous slogans. Anypony who utters it is an obvious bigoted supporter of that evil Princess of Friendship."

"Um, isn't Twilight your friend?" Sunburst adjusted his glasses again.

"Well, only on Tuesdays and Fridays."

"Well then, why are you afraid of somepony supporting Twilight?"

"Sunburst, that's a really stupid question. It's pretty clear that whoever wrote that there is willing to hurt or kill anyone who doesn't support Twilight. You and I are in danger here!"

"It's just ink on stone..."

Starlight pressed closer to him. "Permanent ink on stone."

"Alright? Starlight, I think you may be overreacting..."

"It's because I'm a mare isn't it?" Starlight turned hostile. "Your misogynistic side is showing, bub."

"Sorry!" Sunburst gulped. "I...I just think that the supporter is not here anymore."

"You don't know that for sure! We need to be on our guard, he or she could swipe in and kill us! Of course, we're both unicorns, so we have a bit more protection, but nonetheless, a Twilight supporter is a more than willing to assault us for our views!"

"Then what should we do?"

"Tell the Royal Guard of course!"

"That's stupid," the Royal Guard told them both.

"How?!" Starlight jumped in the air. "It's a real imminent threat!"

"What? The threat of vandalizing?" the Royal Guard chuckled. "Ya know, I heard you vandalized the Ponyville parks. Is this another one of your works?"

"Ugh! No!" Starlight rolled her eyes. "Look, you're a pegasus, you should understand our concern."

He lazily glanced at his wings which poked out from the golden armor. "Why is me being a pegasus a deal here?"

Starlight rolled her eyes. "Because we all know that Twilight is against pegasi. She's a stuck-up unicorn that was turned into an alicorn, which is even worse. Whoever wrote that on the fountain clearly wants more unicorn superiority."

"Princess Twilight is one of the nicest ponies in all of Equestria," the Royal Guard rebuked.

"Ugh! Are you being paid to say that or something? You're a pegasus, you're an oppressed minority!"

"What in Tartarus are ya talkin' about?" the Royal Guard stepped away from her. "Pegasi aren't oppressed or a minority."

"Oh you poor thing," Starlight swept in and hugged the soldier. "You don't even know how unfairly you are being treated."

"Are you suggesting I'm dumb?"

"Not you, but those awful unicorns are trying to keep ponies like you dumb. It's the terrible state this country is in."

The Royal Guard then looked passed Starlight (who was still hugging him) and raised an annoyed brow at Sunburst. The "important" wizard shrugged his shoulders in completely embarrassed bewilderment. The Royal Guard returned his attention to the odd unicorn mare.

"Lady, please let go of me."

"Have you realized how much they've lied to you?" she whispered in his ear.

"No, I just realized that ya need help, lady. From ya record, I'm surprised we let ya go about in public. I'm not an oppressed minority and Twilight supporters are not gonna kill ya."

Starlight took a step back and frowned at him. "Oh! Way to be a damn parrot, you moron! Don't you realize all the racism present in Equestria?"

"If there was such racism, would I be in the military? Ain't it racist that a unicorn is telling me, a pegasus, that I'm bloody oppressed? I think I'm damn smart enough to know when ponies don't like me cause I have a pair of wings. Now get outta here."

"See Sunburst?" Starlight sighed. "This is what I've been talking about. The racism is so prominent in Equestria that the oppressed don't even realize they're oppressed. It truly sickens me."

"Uh huh, yeah," Sunburst agreed only in voice as he was shaking his head.

Starlight looked back at him. "Come on, we came here to get Luna anyway. But hey, we got more proof that pegasi are a marginalized minority, didn't we?"

"Uh huh, yeah," he repeated in the exact same way.

"Damn unicorns, I'll never understand any of them hornheads," the Royal Guard muttered with absolute disgust as he watched the couple leave.

=

Author's Note

Twilight2016

MakeFriendshipMagicAgain

The Wing Tales

"I...I don't know how this happened..."

Those were the words of Princess Cadance, ruler of the Crystal Empire, when the Crystal Empire refused to allow pegasi to use crystal birdbaths for bathing. The backlash to such horrid, despicable, awful, and regressive discrimination included trade embargoes, harassment of Crystal ponies, and national shame! Drama in these levels have never been so high since Sombra was ruling with a shadowy hoof!

Impeaching the Princess of Love is now up for consideration as the Equestrians demand justice for this outrage. With Equalists leading the charge, mobs upon mobs of ponies protest in the Empire. The Crystal ponies are going to be more terrified by this than ever under Sombra's horrid reign, but this is for the good of ponykind and progressiveness. This all leaves the question: Should pegasi use birdbaths?

"I have wings, don't I?" said Rainbow Dash to a camera. "Birds have wings too! We're the same! I should do what I want in birdbaths!"

"I was a pegasus," Cadance commented to reporters. "I...I never once thought about using birdbaths..."

"It's stupid ponies are even fighting over this," Moon Dancer remarked to Equestria Daily. "Just cut and burn their damn wings off so that they'll be like everypony else. How 'bout you castrate them while you're at it."

"I totally promote the use of birdbaths for pegasi!" Twilight said to the media. "That's totally, totally not because I'm failing in the polls. NOPE! Not at all!"

"Preposterous! Pegasi using birdbaths? I knew they weren't the most intelligent race, but this takes the cake," Princess Luna wrote in a letter to her still vacationing sister.

"If pegasi get their own baths, can't there be some for earth ponies as well?" Applejack questioned in a interview. "Yeah, and no 'mud baths' jokes please."

"Of course they should. Pegasi and birds share the same size brain. How about we put them in bird cages now?" Rarity stated on social media. She was promptly arrested and fined for hate speech.

"This is only being brought up because pegasi are being restrained by the institution!" Starlight Glimmer said at an Equalist gathering. "If it was unicorns being able to use Yak showers, this would never be brought up! The princesses fear, they hate, they lie against the pegasi. Minorities are being brought down by crony alicorns! Pegasi have the freedom to use birdbaths! Hell, change the damn name too! No longer birdbaths, but just baths! If unicorns try to use birdbaths, well f--- them! They just need to check their privilege!"

"Yeah, what she said..." Sunburst followed up.

If this carries on, the Crystal Empire may be in for a troubled time. Cadance is still holding her position about birdbaths, but is clear she is in the wrong. Yes, she's in the wrong. What? I'm a journalist, I'm not supposed to write facts, are you crazy? The Alicorn Tetrachy continues to be a regressive force preventing rational thinking from saving the country.

"But what did I say?!?!" Twilight burst.

Oh shut it, you're still part of the establishment. That means you can never do anything good in our eyes. We are in the right, you're in the wrong. Suck it, princess!

Oh...I think I'm being fired for that rapist remark against Twilight....oh wait! I'm an Equalist, it's not rape if it's against an alicorn. Booya!

Wait? Where did you come from?!?! I thought you were on vacatio-ow! ow! No not the moon! Anything but the moon! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Finally..."

=

The Wondershits

"Twilight! TWIILLLLIIIGHHHTTT!"

Twilight was peacefully enjoying the rays of the sun on a blissful afternoon. It was the first time in a long time that the sun was so radiant in the sky. It gave happiness to some ponies, and misery to others, mainly those who easily burned in the sun. Twilight was one of those ponies, but she knew how to apply generous amounts of sunscreen. So as she rested on her lawn chair in front of her glistening castle, she smiled calmly at the sky.

"TWIILLLIIGHTTT!!!"

"What now?" she muttered disappointingly.

Rainbow flashed to a stop with a rainbow streak behind her. Her face was full of tears and terror, both of which meant nothing to her princess friend. With the quickness she was known for, Rainbow Dash scooted right up to the resting alicorn and pressed her face in with two cyan hooves.

"The Wonderbolts are terrible! They...they mentally abused me!" she cried.

"Really?" Twilight frowned. "How?"

"They called me 'Rainbow Crash!' That was a nickname I got in flight camp. It...it haunted me and now they use it again!" she panicked.

"That doesn't seem too bad."

"What? That's horrible!" a shrill voice uttered.

Starlight marched down from the castle's steps. Her usual deep frown was there and she pointed at Rainbow with an outstretched hoof.

"Rainbow clearly has PTSD!" she said.

"Not the PTSD again!" Twilight buried her face in her wings. "Rainbow, you don't have PTSD from some school pegasi teasing you."

"How do you know?!" Rainbow grunted. "It really hurt me!"

"Are you Fluttershy?" Twilight asked.

"No..."

"Exactly. So what if they insulted you? You probably deserved it."

"Well...yeah...I went straight into a trash can..."

"You insensitive shithole!" Starlight pressed a hoof into Twilight's relaxing shoulder. "You've never experienced taunting or anything like that. You have so much unicorn AND alicorn privilege that you've never experienced hardship! Rainbow suffered. It's clear. You should be more sensitive."

"You're defending Rainbow?" Twilight raised a brow. "I thought you hated her."

"Yes, but I hate you more."

"Thanks..." Rainbow glared at the pink unicorn.

"STICK 'EM UP, PRINCESS! THIS IS A KIDNAPPING!"

All three turned to see a group of burly stallions with multi-flavored pies in their hooves. Rainbow raised her hooves to fight, Starlight jumped behind the lawn chair in fright. Twilight calmly took a sip from her cold smoothie and addressed the armed criminals.

"Sorry, but this is a pie-free zone," she said and pointed at a small sign that said "NO PIES ALLOWED."

"Aw, this blows!" a stallion muttered. "We were so ready too."

"C'mon, let's go..." another whimpered.

"Damn signs, ruining our fun..."

The stallions soon left the area in peace. Rainbow blinked in confusion and Starlight cautiously poked her head above the chair. Twilight continued to take some sips and finished with a refreshing "ah."

"Twilight," Rainbow began. "How am I gonna be with a bunch of losers who aren't sensitive?"

"Easy. I've never been on a sports team or anything, but Applejack has. You can go ask her. She told me that name-calling and insults, and general meanness is simply being part of a team. She was called 'Applebutt' or something like that. I mean, ponies thought she never thought about anything but apples. From what I've studied, being a bunch of gentle butterflies to each other won't make relationships stronger. The strongest relationships come from when two ponies try to achieve a goal and have to work hard to get there. Applejack took scouting with Coloratura. They also were tough on her. All that meanness and stuff did her wonders, not she's the toughest pony I know. Heck, she's tougher than my brother."

"Twilight!" Starlight huffed. "You're basically telling Rainbow to 'get over it' like so many insensitive jerks do. Rainbow suffered. You must understand that. This psychological abuse is not healthy for anypony. It could lead to depression or triggered memories. Ponies should never be mean to each other. Not ever. Having professional institutions that do such horrid things to their recruits is only the promotion of bullying and intolerance."

"Well, I'm not going to stop the Wonderbolts from what they do," Twilight shrugged. "Rainbow, make friends with them. That's always the best option, no? Also, tell them that 'Friendship is Magic' and endorse me as sole princess of Equestria, will you? I'll need it."

"Um...ok?" Rainbow uttered before soaring into the sky.

"Hmph! She's going to be so depressed if this continues..." Starlight rolled her eyes. "And all the blame will be on you. Some friend you are, princess. I hope you enjoy it when Rainbow cries herself to sleep."

"I sure will..." Twilight rolled her eyes when Starlight walked off towards town.

"Sole princess, eh?"

Twilight's ears picked up at the sound. She looked over her shoulder to see a massive white alicorn. "Celestia? You're back?"

"Yes, Twilight. I see that you've been busy in my absence," was the stern reply in the still motherly tone.

Twilight perked up. "Why yes! I've success-"

"Twilight, Equestria is being ruled by a mob of equal ponies. There's nothing 'successful' here."

"My sign worked!" Twilight squeaked and pointed at the sign next to her.

"Twilight, I know you've been giving up pony liberties to remain relevant in the Favorite Princess rankings. I've watched some of your interviews. You're becoming the slime you're trying to stop."

"But...but..."

"Twilight, it's time to teach you a lesson in politics."

"Wait! Please! No!"

=

The Specter Smackers

"Darling, what are you reading?"

"Oh, hey Rarity! I was just looking at the newspaper. Some interesting stuff going on in the comic world."

"Comics? Why Twilight, are you into that sort of thing?"

"Oh no, I just like reading them so that I can have something to talk about with Spike. that's all."

Rarity walked over to Twilight, who was sitting on her throne. She was levitating several newspapers before her and had some others rolled up on the floor beside her. Being so desperate to read anything and everything, she was subscribed to many different magazines and newspapers.

"Good heavens, what are the Specter Smackers?" Rarity asked upon seeing the title of one article of a magazine.

"They were a comedic comic series that was around this group of stallions that fought against the paranormal," Twilight explained. "The article here is about how they all are mares now in the reboot."

Rarity scanned the page. "It seems they are being ill-treated..."

Twilight read on. "Well, according to this article and Starlight, this reboot is happening to provide diversity in comics and reduce sexism."

"I can already tell where this is going..." was the sigh from the fashion mare.

"And so, after they revealed it, the equal ponies are now angry due to the portrayal of the characters."

"But they wanted that, right?"

"Yes. I guess it just didn't work. You can never make these ponies happy, can you?"

They continued to read it. That was not the only thing. It was not much of an article that was mostly coming from the rowdy hear-say of other ponies. That and polls. Lots of polls. Rarity and Twilight giggled at the present irony, but did not speak more of it after they were done.

~ONE WEEK LATER~

"Hey Rarity!" Twilight waved at her friend. "Do you remember the article about the Specter Smackers last week?"

Rarity nodded and placed her bag on the Cutie Map, crushing some mountain. "Why yes. Is there something new about it?"

"Well, apparently the equal ponies are now saying it's sexist not to go buy it!" Twilight told her. "And that its dropping sales is proof of the ever-present patriarchy in Equestria."

"How in Equestria can anypony think there is a patriarchy when Equestria has never had a stallion as sole ruler of the land?"

Twilight shrugged. "It says here that rampant sexism is running throughout Equestria as misogynistic stallions are leading the charge to boycott this upcoming series. It also says that-"

"This is the reason why feminism needs to rise again!" screamed an interrupting voice.

Both mares looked up to see Starlight Glimmer with a frown on her face. The grumpy unicorn steadily walked up to them and forcibly snatched the magazine from Twilight's hooves. She then ran a quick eye through the whole page and threw it on the Cutie Map, absolutely wrecking Manehatten.

"And you tell me that there's no patriarchy, hmph!" she huffed.

"Wait, how is this proof?" Twilight raised a brow.

"Really? Hmph! It's proof because there's no other reason why ponies would choose to ignore such a loved franchise. I grew up with the Specter Smackers and I am in no way upset at this reboot. You know why? Because I'm not some misogynistic asshole! I-"

"You grew up with them? I thought by the time they first came out, you were isolated in a village way up north," Twilight crossed her legs.

"That...That was before that..." Starlight hesitated.

"Alright, then what is one of the Specter Smacker's names?" Twilight asked.

"Billy Hoofing?" Starlight said awkwardly.

"Wrong," Twilight barked. "See? You're not even a fan of the series, of course you don't care about the reboot!"

"Fine! I have no idea who these ponies are, but that is beside the damn point! What matters is that there is no difference between these mares and those stallions. They are the same characters and they are doing the same things, but it's because they are mares that these stallions and those idiotic mares refuse to buy the comics. Their childhoods are ruined because they can't perceive a mare doing what a stallion does."

"Well of course there are things a mare can't do that a stallion can," Rarity spoke. "Our biological and mental differences make our sexes able to do other things bett-"

"Shut it!" Starlight hissed. "Don't be a bitch."

Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes, but said nothing.

"I'm not sure that's the issue, Starlight," Twilight continued. "Um, I think it's because, well, by these images, the dialogue, and the designs, they look um...cheap."

"That's because you are bigoted against me!" Starlight growled. "Are you ever want to do is disagree with me on everything! Even on something like this, where all the proof is in my favor! Maybe if you weren't cissexual and had half a brain, you could see the oppression on mares in this country."

"Starlight, you're cissexual," Twilight deadpanned.

"No, I'm not! By Tartarus, I'm cisgendered! Get your terms right, you moron! Cissexual is having the sexual orientation that you were, ahem, 'born' with or have always identified with. I did not start as asexual, but later became asexual. So that means I am not cissexual. Cisgendered is identifying as the gender you were born as. I was born a mare, and I identify as a mare, so I've never been a transgender."

"I thought you were straight?" Twilight asked.

"Nope, I'm asexual." she stated.

"Sunburst would like to say otherwise," Rarity coughed in her hoof.

"Shut it!" Starlight growled even louder.

They all stopped when they heard a familiar voice mumble in the hallway. Their ears perked up as a young dragon became louder and louder as he approached.

"Twilight!" Spike roared from the halls before entering the throne room. "Twilight! I just...I just have to speak my mind. It's about the new Specter Smackers!"

Spike stood there before the three mares and his cheeks were bright red against his purple scales. His claws were clenched around a magazine much like Twilight's. His was a little dragon ball of anger of the moment.

"What is it, Spike?" Twilight asked.

"It's...I..." he couldn't speak right in his anger. "It's this reboot! The characters are nothing like they were before! The dialogue sucks! I could draw the images better! Everything is a damn ripoff and unoriginal! I never wanted this to happen! No one wanted a reboot! It all sucks! It all sucks! I'm not going to buy this comic series ever! I ain't giving them a bit of my money! I earned it and I ain't gonna give it to these idiots! Thinking they can make money off a cheap reboot that is progressive and yet racist at the same time? Not ever from me! Twilight, I'm just so fucking peeved at this right now!"

Rarity gasped at the choice of words. Twilight frowned at her little brother. "Spike we never use the word 'peeved!'"

"Spike, I thought a pansexual dragon would understand this better. You are just as misogynistic as the others!" Starlight huffed.

"Miso-what now?" Spike blinked.

"She means you distrust females and believe they shouldn't have any authority," Twilight explained.

"What? Because of the new Specter Smackers? Pfft, it's not because they are mares, it's because it sucks! It's just a cash grab using the name of a beloved franchise. That's why I hate it. Not because they are mares," Spike said.

"Well...I....fine, I give up," Starlight threw her hooves in the air.

"We win?" Twilight gasped excitedly.

"No, you guys just don't get it. Keep on with your lives and continue being little bitches. I'm outta here!"

With that, Starlight stomped out of the throne room. The three watched her leave with blinking eyes. They were used to her storming off, but they never got tired of watching it in bewilderment. When she had left, they all looked at each other.

"Hmph, mares," Rarity shook her head. "I am one and not even I understand them fully...."

=

Author's Note

"THE POWER OF PETTY COMPELS YOU!!!!"

I'mma Let you Finish but...

"Gays, I'mma let you finish, but pegasi are the most oppressed ponies in Equestria!"

"Did Night Glider just go there?" Spike asked.

"She did..." Twilight sighed.

The crowd of ponies cheered as Night Glider crossed her front legs smugly. Lyra was across from her within the circle of the crowd, looking very displeased. Twilight and Spike were also in the crowd, right between the two competitors. The princess was holding a massive book in her magic and flipping through the pages.

"The LGBTQ community is way more oppressed than pegasi!" Lyra fired back.

"LGBTQ PLUS!!!" the crowd shouted at her.

"Yeah, yeah!" she waved a dismissing hoof at the ponies. "Being gay used to be illegal in Equestria. It's never been illegal to be a pegasus."

"Pegasi used to not be able to join the military! It only took years of fightin' to get that right!" Night Glider said.

"Actually, that's not true. The pegasi were actually called upon to form the Wonderbolts," Twilight said. "The only sect they were not allowed in was the Royal Guard, but that only lasted twenty years after the Celestial Royal Guard was established. And besides, the pegasi under Commander Hurricane were Equestria's first organized military."

Night Glider rolled her eyes. "Look at this alicornslpaining! Think she knows better cause she has a horn and wings!"

The crowd booed Twilight, making the princess roll her eyes. "I'm just stating facts."

"From what? That book?" Night Glider jeered. "That was written by unicorns. It's racist and doesn't state the facts. That shit should be burned."

The crowd cheered once again for Night Glider.

"Well....gays used to be burned!" Lyra yelled.

"Um, gays were only burned three times in Equestria's history. All three happened on the Pie's rock farm," Twilight told her.

"Wow..." Spike said slowly.

"Ha! Shows that earth ponies are homophobic!" Lyra nodded.

"Girl, you have Bon Bon!" Night Glider huffed.

"It was a joke, c'mon," Lyra rolled her eyes.

Night Glider shrugged. "Well, nothin' will beat Equestria's covert racism against pegasi. The institutionalized racism is runnin' rampant with Celestia being back."

"Covert racism? What are you smoking?" Spike asked, only to be nudged silent by a frowning Twilight.

"Lots of ya won't see it cause ya aren't pegasi!" Night Glider responded.

"There is no institutionalized racism in Equestria," Twilight said. "Celestia is the least racist pony on the planet."

"She's a white alicorn!" the crowd yelled.

"That's only her appearance, not her behavior! Being an alicorn, unicorn, or white doesn't make you racist!" Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Ya see? Ya don't understand cause you're an alicorn. Alicorns have never been oppressed in history. Neither have unicorns!" Night Glider smiled as if she won. "All these 'corn tears are just satisfying."

"This is about gays versus pegasi, but fine, I'll prove you wrong on that as well. I don't know about alicorn oppression, but unicorns used to be hunted by the other races to get the material in the horns. You can make some neat things from them, ranging from decorations to soap bars. If killing other races of ponies just because you want something shiny is not racism, then nothing is racist."

The ponies in the crowd looked queasy as they thought about using unicorn parts to clean themselves with. However, Night Glider stood firm.

"That ain't racism cause ya have to be in marginalized to be oppressed."

"Are you serious?!" Twilight hissed.

"Unicorns have always been in power. The Three Tribes, even when they combined, the unicorns were placed on top. Racism is being in power and suppressing marginalized ponies through the power."

"Racism is the belief that one race is superior or inferior to another race!" Twilight barked. "That's racism, not what you said."

"You don't understand cause ya an alicorn! Ya never been microaggressed against!"

The crowd cheered again for Night Glider, making her even more bold.

"Ya owe me reparations!" the pegasus pointed her wing at the princess. "All the 'corns owe me and my brothers and sisters."

The crowd cheered once more.

"I owe you nothing!" Twilight growled. "What have I done to oppress pegasi?"

"It wasn't just you, it was ancestors and ya inherent tendency to be imperialistic!"

"'Inherent tendency?' Says the pegasus. Throughout history you guys have always had the most militants because you are more emotional and violent than other ponies!"

"That's racist!" a pony shouted.

"She called me imperialistic! It's racist that she thinks that I want to conquer other races and control them because I was born with a horn on my head."

"The only difference between you and I is that you are imperialistic," Night Glider grinned. "Ya caused all this bad stuff in Equestria because 'corns just want power. Straight from birth. Some 'corns can fight it, like Starlight, most don't realize they have such issues and ruin the daily lives of earthies and pegasi and other marginalized ponies."

The crowd cheered once more.

"You guys are insufferable!" Twilight huffed and walked away.

"But Twilight! We must find out who the most oppressed ponies are!" Spike said as he hurried after her."

"Well, I think I've found out. It's me, Spike! It's me!" Twilight grumbled. "Maybe it's time that I start using my 'privilege' to my own advantage. Spike, I think I need you to take a letter...

As they left, they could hear a fight going on in the dirt within the crowd. The lesbian and the pegasus fought for who was the bigger victim in society. Whoever won the fight would be the real loser of the battle, but that did not stop them from going all out. Some ponies say the battle is still going on, even weeks after it started. Each one trying to lose and the never trying to win....

=

Bonus: PC Jeopardy

"How did we get here?"

"Don't ask, my dear Twilight, just roll with it."

Twilight, Celestia, Luna, Rarity, Cadance all stood bewildered on individual stands lined up in a semi-circle on a great stage. On their stands were the number "0" with the bits sign next to it. Lights and showy things were all about as they realized they were on some sort of game show. The audience was in the dark parts of the building, clapping and waving their hooves about. It was not long before the host came on stage. Of course, the host was none other than Starlight Glimmer.

"WELCOME TO PC JEOPARDY!" she sang through her microphone. "I am your great host, Starlight Glimmer! Today we have some dishonorable guests with us."

"Couldn't get three sentences in before insulting us," Twilight mumbled.

"You're on mic, princess," Starlight said, "so I would be more careful about what you say."

Twilight looked to see the crowd giving deep frowns at her. She awkwardly smiled and waved at them, but it was no use. The damage was done.

Starlight continued happily. "So today with our five contestants..." she paused. "Five?" She turned around and counted them with her hoof. She then blinked before realizing what was wrong.

"Oh! I see the problem. Rarity, get the hell out of here," Starlight pointed at the white unicorn.

"But...But why?" Rarity asked.

"You know why!"

"Because I'm a unicorn? I add diversity to this line of contestants!" Rarity protested.

"Naw, we don't allow whores in here," Starlight shook her hoof. "And shut up, no one wants to here you speak...like ever."

The crowed then cheered as Rarity walked off stage, leaving the four alicorns at their stations. Starlight gave a smug look before continuing.

"Our four guests: Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and Cadance. The four alicorn tetrarchy of Equestria!"

"Saying 'four' and 'tetra' is redundant," Twilight told the host.

Starlight frowned at the book princess. "I see that Twilight has lost her first points. She is at negative one thousand bits to start the game off."

Twilight looked down to see her score was not -1000 bits. "That's not fair! I was correcting you! It's called helping!"

"Oh," Starlight grinned, "make that -2000."

Twilight looked down again to see that her score was even lower than before. She promptly shut her mouth and let the host rule the show like a dictator.

"Now, on this version of Jeopardy, we ask questions about the equalist culture that was swept over Equestria. We have these four alicorns to display their knowledge on the subject they plan to fight. Oh foolish them."

"I'm not fighting it," Cadance raised a hoof.

"You're an alicorn, yes you are," Starlight barked.

Starlight cleared her throat. "So, our categories are feminism, oppression, other, racism, social justice, and microaggressions. Each one of these categories are important and serve to show the intentions of the equalist movement. Do these phony rulers have what it takes to see the current society they live in? Or are they going to flaunt their ignorance like never before? Let's find out."

She turned to the alicorns. "Celestia will have the first turn. Please pick a category."

Celestia rubbed her chin as she looked at the big screen in front of her. Twilight watched her, seeing how calm she was in the midst of the hostile environment. With a smile, she pointed at one square on the screen.

"Feminism for 100," she said politely.

"Alright," Starlight pressed a button to show the question. "What is the cause of stallion sexual predators in our society?"

Celestia slammed her hoof on the red button before any of the others could react. "What is patriarchy?"

"Correct," Starlight said with a furrowed brow.

"What? That makes no sense!" Twilight blinked. "A patriarchal society and sexual predators are different concepts. Males being the rulers does not inherently mean that the males will aggressively seek out females to mate or rape-"

"-3000 bits for the purple asshole!" Starlight yelled and her word became law. "Now, Celestia, you may pick again."

"Feminism for 200."

Starlight cleared her throat. "What is the-"

Celestia slammed her hoof down again. "What is patriarchy?"

"Are you cheating?" Starlight growled.

"I just took a guess," Celestia shrugged.

"Fine...Celestia has 300 bits. She may go again."

"Feminism for 300."

"Ahem, the name of-"

"What is patriarchy!"

"By Tartarus! Not again!" Starlight rubbed her temples.

"Wait, are all the answers 'patriarchy?'" Twilight asked.

"Of course not!" Starlight shouted. "Feminism is about equal rights for all genders, not hating stallions. You act like it's about females only."

"Ahem, feminism for 500," Celestia spoke.

Starlight pressed the button and then-

"Patriarchy!" Twilight slammed her hoof down.

"Your answer must be in the form of a question!" Starlight frowned.

"What is patriarchy?" Twilight grinned.

"Incorrect," Starlight said simply and Twilight's points went down to -3500.

"How?!" Twilight covered her face.

"Well, if you listened to the question, maybe you could've answered correctly," Starlight rolled her eyes. "Moron."

"May we hear the question then?" Cadance asked.

"Ahem, if you are not feminist, then you are?"

Luna pressed the button. "Non-feminist!"

"Wrong..."

Luna blinked. "What? But that has to be the answer!"

Starlight rolled her eyes. "Technically, yes. There's a better word for it."

"Wait! I know this!" Twilight swung her legs about.

"You already answered!" Starlight snapped. "Just sit there and shut up!"

Twilight lowered her head in shame. Celestia stroked her chin with a grin on her face. She pressed the button.

"What is Starlight Glimmer?"

"That's...hey!" Starlight yelled. "I'm not the answer!"

"Yes, we all knew that already," Celestia chuckled.

"-1000 points for your royal ass!"

A -500 appeared on Celestia's screen. The Princess of the Sun took the score with pride. Cadance remained politely on her end and looked at everypony before pressing her button.

"What is a sexist?" she hesitantly asked.

"Correct!" Starlight brightened. "Cadance is now in the lead."

"Should I be proud of that?" the Princess of Love whispered to herself.

The crowd clapped their hooves at the pink princess's success. Twilight leaned over to see the scores for each contestant. She had -3500 while Luna had 0 and Cadance had 500. She gasped as she realized something was wrong.

"Hey! I lost points for my incorrect answer, but Celestia and Luna didn't. I'm being treated unfairly!"

"What do you know of unfair? You're an alicorn! Not everything revolves around you," Starlight rolled her eyes.

"That's rac-"

"If you dare say that, a negative million points are heading your way, princess."

Twilight shut her mouth.

"Alright!" Starlight smiled. "Cadance, your pick."

"Um, how about social justice for 200?"

"Let's do it then," Starlight pressed her buttons. "Alright, so what are uninformed judgments created by unicorns to instigate hate or intolerance towards other races?"

Cadance pressed the button. "What are stereotypes?"

"Correct."

"Bullshit!" Twilight yelled.

"Language you shitface!" Starlight yelled back. "This is a family show!"

Twilight did the Canterlot sigh and stayed quiet. Cadance glanced worriedly over to the young princess before continuing. "Racism for 300."

"Where is the capital of racism?"

"Where is Canterlot?"

"Correct!"

"Where is the bleach?" Twilight grumbled. "Cause I need some for my brain."

The crowd promptly booed the purple book horse.

"Twilight, please calm down," Cadance told her calmly. "I'll take racism for 400."

Starlight cleared her throat. "What is the original source of racism?"

"What is Starlight Glimmer?" Celestia pressed the button.

"-2000 for you..." the host growled.

"What is a unicorn?" Cadance answered.

"Correct!" Starlight then paused. "Oh don't look at me like that!"

All the princesses stared at her with their front legs crossed. Starlight looked at them and then looked out to the crowd who also crossed their legs at her in disapproval. She smiled awkwardly and loosened the collar around her neck.

"Yes, I am a unicorn and I am inherently racist because of it."

"You took this host job away from a pegasus, didn't you?" Celestia asked knowingly.

"I thought I would be the best host available because I know you guys..." Starlight gulped.

"Because a pegasus wouldn't do as well as you and your fat horn, eh?" Twilight snarled.

"Look who's talking!" Starlight rolled her eyes.

"Starlight Glimmer, according to your beliefs, alicorns are not the root of all racism. You are more racist than us," Luna said confidently.

"Next question please..." she said to Cadance who remained silent.

"How could you, Starlight?" Celestia sounded hurt. "It sickens me that you take a pegasus's job away like that."

"The pegasus was a stallion!" Starlight raised her voice. "I am promoting mare equality."

"So it's OK to be racist if you are a mare?" Celestia leaned forward and awaited the answer.

"Next question!" Starlight screamed at the Princess of Love.

The crowd started to boo Starlight.

"Ya'll a bunch of mindless sheep!" she yelled at them. "I'm not racist!"

"You're a straight unicorn!" Twilight laughed. "Who are you to say you aren't racist?"

"Your unicorn privilege is showing and it looks terrible," Celestia said in disgust.

The booing became louder. Starlight grew red in the face and then she threw her host buttons down on the floor. She looked like she was about to burst.

"Fine! You all lose! There you go, negative infinity points for all your worthless flanks!" she screamed before storming off the stage.

The crowd cheered at her leaving. The four alicorns clapped their hooves in victory.

"Yes!" Twilight gleamed. "I'm not in last place anymore."

"Whatever," Cadance said. "I still won this game."

=

Sunburned

"Luna, Luna would you please come in here?"

"Ugh! What is it, Tia?"

"It's technology."

Luna grunted in frustration and threw her Ponies magazine across her room before getting off her large bed and walking to the other side of the hallway to her sister's quarters. She popped her head inside to see her elder sister inspecting a computer. Celestia was messing with the small mouse with her magic, but there seemed to be no actual activity happening on the monitor screen.

"What are you having trouble with?" Luna asked and walked to the side of her sister.

"I'm trying to understand this internet thing. It's all the rage now. I believe I have to use it."

Luna rolled her eyes. "I have been locked in the moon a thousand years and you watched technology progress with your very eyes. How do you know so little?"

Celestia cocked her head at her sister. "I never actually believed these things would work. My handy typewriter and my hundreds of secretaries were fine for me. I never thought ponies would use these things."

"Are you sure you should be on the internet, Tia?" Luna asked worriedly. "It's not a safe place."

"With the damages Twilight has done, I must do whatever it takes to combat Starlight."

"Perhaps, but there is much more to the internet than Starlight's ponies. I've looked deep into it. It will haunt you."

"A reasonable sacrifice."

"Tia, this-"

"Tell me how to argue with ponies across the world, damn it!" Celestia hissed.

Luna paused and then sighed. "Um, you press there and there. You use the keyboard and there."

"Thank you Luna!"

"So what did you tell her?" Twilight asked the moon princess as they drank coffee one night.

"I instructed her on how to open a Note document," Luna answered. "She thinks she is battling the world now."

Twilight wiped some sweat from her brow. "Oh good, imagine if she actually knew..."

"Yes, it would be a tragic day."

"I don't see what is so special about the internet," Celestia told her secretary, Raven. "I've written thousands of words and I feel like I've made no impact. The production of computers is a waste, a complete waste. I think it's time we return to the typewriters."

"But we just ordered 1500 computers...." Raven gulped.

"Then send them back. Governments need to be running with absolute efficiency. We have no time to play with little toys. Sometimes it is better to run operations like we did a hundred years ago. Ah, good times."

"Hoof cramps here I come...again..."

=

Author's Note

Want to join a group I created? It's a fun one!

Logic Prevails is a place for discussion of any kind where everyone expresses their opinions with logic and reasoning.

Don't make Lady Logic upset. She'll smack you with her amazing flowing dreadlocks.

Princess-Elect Celestia

"Here on The Young Equalists we....we..."

Sugar Belle closed her quivering mouth and looked down at the desk she sat on. She with Night Glider, Double Diamond, Party Favor, and guest Starlight Glimmer, held their faces with mixed emotions. Double Diamond appeared as if he was about to kill somepony, Night Glider looked like she wanted to rip a dragon's heart out and eat it too, Party Favor sat there with blinking eyes and an open mouth, and Starlight Glimmer buried her face in her very pink hooves.

They were all sitting in a studio, hosting live of the events that had just occurred. Celestia was back and was back as Princess of Equestria. It was a tragic day. It was the day of the unicorn supremacists and the horned terrorists. It was the day that democracy, freedom, and love was washed away in the tears of the innocent minorities. Oppression would be revived in the ailing Equestria. They had lost. Their regime seemed over. An ugly frog was now the head of the kingdom. All was lost. Mass murders in Celestia's name would begin tomorrow and facists would line every street corner, beating the cow's milk out of anypony who dared to be different.

"She's back," Sugar Belle uttered again. "I thought we got rid of her..."

"This is like....the worst thing ever...." Night Glider growled intensely.

"You know what? This nation is racist," Double Diamond muttered. "All these millions of ponies, all of them racist."

"..." Party Favor said with tremendous amounts of raw, unrestrained emotion.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be," their leader, Starlight sighed. "She was supposed to stay in the beaches and then we would kick her slave-owning sister right out."

"I get it," Double Diamond shrugged. "I get it. Ponies just love tyranny, they love being awful. That's why they applauded her on her return."

"F*** Equestria," Night Glider slammed her hoof on the desk. "F*** unicorns! And I'm saying f*** so that ya all know how serious I am!"

"It's bullshit!" DD yelled. "It's bullshit! I get it," he calmed down. "I get it. This is how Equestria wants to go. I mean, we can't be mean. You see, I'm a nice guy? Right? Right?" his eyes bulged out. "It's bullshit! This country is bullshit!"

"If I had fingers, I would show you one!" Night Glider raged. "Oh wait, I have wings."

As she decided to flip the bird (apologies for politically incorrect phrasing) on national television, Starlight finally lifted her tired eyes from her hooves, looking more than just angry.

"Please, just let me think on how we will move on from this," Starlight said, but her words fell on the ears of the incredibly occupied.

"It's bullshit!" Double Diamond yelled so hard that spit flew from his mouth.

"..." Party Favor replied.

"Um, well, like scheduled," Sugar Belle started, "we have Princess Twilight Sparkle on the phone. Hello Twilight, um, glad to see you?"

"Hi guys!" Twilight's voice sounded through the studio. "Glad of you to have me."

Double Diamond took a deep breath. "Yeah, hey, what do you think of Celestia's return," he spat the last words.

"Well, being her former student, I think it is great. It'll take us some time to adjust to after how it's been going as of late, but I'm sure this will benefit Equestria."

"It'll only benefit the unicorn supremacists!" Night Glider screamed. "And you thinking that there is any hope left in this Sun-forsaken world just proves you're a alicorn racist! You're racist, you horned f***face! I am like so much better than you, but you'll never think that cause of your damn privelege, you hornhead!"

"Yeah!" Double Diamond roared. "You're bullshit! We were trying to have a nice discussion, right? Right? And you just barge in and throw your hateful rhetoric. It's bullshit! You're full of shit! Get off the phone! GET OFF THE PHONE!"

"Wait? What? What did I do?" Twilight panicked, her voice croaked.

"You can't see your own privilege!" Night Glider answered. "You homophobic racist alicorn!"

Twilight's gulp could be heard over the phone. "No I didn't! I said nothing wrong!"

"You support Celestia," Starlight finally spoke. "Anyone who does that is either an idiot or a unicorn supremacist. There is no between."

"That's not fair!" Twilight huffed.

"Neither is your horn privilege!" Night Glider pointed at the air to somehow make a point.

"Get off the phone!" Double Diamond yelled again.

Twilight did as asked and hung up. Now that the studio was quiet again, The Young Equalists looked at each other. The four then looked to Starlight for some sort of assignment, for they did not know what to do without her precise instructions.

"Well," Starlight began, "I mean...we can protest some more?" she ended the suggestion with a shrug.

"Fantastic idea!" Sugar Belle gleamed.

"It's BULLSHIT!" Double Diamond roared before flipping the desk over.

"..." Party Favor closed out the episode.

Author's Note

To anyone who knows what is being parodied and who is parodying who gets a cookie. :ajsmug:

Now go on with your day and :flutterrage: GET OFF THE PHONE! :flutterrage:

Also, heil Pepe :pinkiecrazy:

The PC Police (Part 2)

"You arrested Rarity?" Spike asked Starlight as she passed by. "And looking like that? Horseapples, I missed something good."

"You are not upset that I incarcerated your friend?" Starlight raised a brow.

"Well, I can't be mad to somepony who brings Rares over here," he purred. "I think I'll uh, go visit her."

"Knock yourself out..."

"Starlight! Starlight!"

Starlight stopped in her tracks. Trixie began to gallop up to her in some frantic manner. Without giving any consent, the light blue unicorn began to violently shake the fake policemare. Starlight, who was wearing aviator sunglasses to "enhance" her look, soon lost them with the slight accidental abuse.

"Trixie! What are you doing?" Starlight hissed once she shoved Trixie's hooves off. "I'm trying to save Equestria here!"

"Well that's it," Trixie explained. "Pinkie told me about something dreadful! Truly dreadful!"

"Alright?" Starlight blinked. "Spit it out."

"Pinkie told me that she heard that somepony clipped a pegasus mare's wings!" Trixie said loudly.

"That's heinous! Who did it!??!?" Starlight took hold of Trixie by her cape's collar.

"Um.....uh..." Trixie looked away guiltily. "You'll have to ask Pinkie...."

"Oh! You're so useless you damn hornhead!" Starlight growled.

"That's no way to speak to a friend," Trixie glowered.

Starlight took a step back in fright. "Um, yeah? Alright then. I'll go speak with Pinkie. You are I can scheme about overthrowing Twilight later tonight? Maybe some Hooflix and chill? Or chillax as Rainbow says?" she asked casually.

Trixie shrugged and smiled. "Seems fine to me."

"Oh hey Starlight!" Pinkie waved at the unicorn and paused upon seeing her outfit. "Wow! Ya having one of those parties? Hehe! I have a cake just for you and Sunbursty."

Starlight dismissed her with a wave. "No, Pinkie. It's not like that. I'm on a mission."

Pinkie leaned on the counter of the pastry shop, looking understanding. "Oh, it's one of those missions...my lips are sealed."

"That's the thing, Trixie told me you heard of a crime."

"Oh yeah! I heard Fluttershy talk to Treehugger that some pony clipped a pegasus. She heard it from another pony who heard it from another pony who heard it from another who heard it from another who heard-" her hooves began to multiply, filling the whole shop.

"Alright! I get it!" Starlight rolled her eyes. "Where did the story start?"

Pinkie beamed. "From anonymous."

"What?!"

"That was what I heard. The pegasus who was the victim didn't even give a name or a face. We just heard that it happened. I think...Gossip is more of Rarity's thing."

"Well, she's occupied at the moment..." Starlight said with gritted teeth.

"Then ya should go see Fluttershy."

"You know what? I'll pass. Last thing I want when trying to save Equestria is be on a wild rat chase for some unknown pegasus. Oops, sorry if that sounded a bit racist. I can't hold my tongue sometimes."

"It happens," Pinkie happily shrugged.

Starlight sighed and walked out of Sugarcube Corner disappointed. She had all the tools and all the intelligence, but being an officer of "peace" was much harder than she thought. It seemed that one didn't just beat the stuffing out of any non-unicorn they came across. It seemed that policemares actually had to do something.

Hours after leaving Pinkie to make pastries and useless wandering of Ponyville looking for hate crimes, Starlight the Slutty Cop plopped her flank on a mushroom seat of a nearby outdoor restaurant. Stallions still stared at her, but their drooling seemed to have lessened as everypony in Ponyville had already adjusted to her wardrobe selection.

She rested her pink cheek on a hoof as she looked around in boredom. The world was in chaos! The world was under Celestia, the great evil Celestia who is literally Sombra. There had to be hate crimes happening everywhere, right? Well, if that was the case, how was it that all she could find was one unicorn supremacist whore?

"Oh, I'll never get justice for minorities..." she sighed. "How are unicorns restraining their racism and overt oppression?"

Then she saw Trixie across the street. That was when she thought of an idea. A horrid, evil idea. Yes, a very bad idea. A cruel idea. A menacing idea. An idea that was the opposite of good.

Starlight's eyes brightened. "If I can't find a hate crime....I'LL MAKE A HATE CRIME!" her hooves rubbed together, eyes twitched madly, and a wicked grin stretched across her entire, yes entire, face.

Oh, she had some ideas.

=/=

Author's Note

"What? I didn't see anything....nothing at all."

Bonus: Death of Chrysalis

Bonus: Death of Chrysalis

In breaking news, the ruler of the Changeling Swarm, Queen Chrysalis, has perished of over-drinking. She was 2,786, making her the longest-serving monarch of all time. It has been startling news to the changeling drones, who are currently celebrating the death of their queen with pots and pans outside the nest catacombs. Thousands of changelings that are living disguised as ponies in Equestria have shed their disguises in celebration. The question of deporting these changelings is currently on the table.

"Finally! She's dead!" Thorax, a changeling deserter announced. "Finally we can have fresh amounts of love! Death to tyrants! Justice!"

We hurried to Princess Celestia to get her thoughts on the subject.

"Well, I mean, she's always struggled with the bourbon," Celestia said. "And um, she's dead and I....really couldn't care less. She was a bloody tyrant."

Celestia went back to sleep moments after the brief interview.

"Well, we tried to get her to Tartarus," Princess Luna added. "But I think Hell serves her better."

"Dying of drinking bourbon?" Cadance laughed when we caught up with her. "What a light-weight." She then followed up the questioning with a whole bottle of Crystal Vodka.

"Honey!" Shining yelled at his wife. "You really shouldn't drink like that!"

"I ain't pregnant anymore, Jack!" Cadance yelled back.

While changelings celebrate the death of Queen Chrysalis, hundreds of ponies mourn the loss. To them, she was a revolutionary leader that established true equality in her hives. Despite purposely starving the changelings so that they would do her bidding, she did achieve universal healthcare for the hives. It was a momentous achievement and a world first.

"Queen Chrysalis was an inspiration to us all," Starlight Glimmer, head of the Equalist Party of Gooddoers, remarked. "She defied Equestrian brutality and fascism for a thousand years. She was truly remarkable."

"'Remarkable?'" a changeling onlooker yelled. "She was a c***!"

"You don't know anything about her!" Starlight yelled back. "You've just been taking in Equestrian propaganda! You don't know how she was really like."

"Yeah I do!" the changeling returned. "I've only been in Equestria for two days!"

Starlight did not have further comments.

"Why are you asking me?" Trixie Lulamoon, a traveling magician asked us. "I am in no way affiliated with Starlight's group. Like not at all. None. Zilch. Nada. Why are you still here?!!"

"I mean, I get why some may like her," Princess Twilight said later that day. "I think she ruled quite well with her iron hoof tactics. Yeah she was evil, but to rule for that long and still be able to mass forces to attack the most powerful nation in the world? It deserves credit. Sometimes I wish I could rule like that. Yup...I um....didn't mean it like that. Wait! Wait! Don't publish this!"

Princess Twilight was then taken away by Royal Guards under suspicion of usurping the Two Sisters.

"Wouldn't be the first time..." The Princess of the Sun remarked.

That concludes this report. Changelings are still in mass celebrations throughout the Changeling Kingdom and Equestria. We believe that Thorax, the ambassador to the Changeling Swarms will be the new King of the land. Now in other news: Did Dragonlord Ember help bring Celestia back to Princesshood? Does this young dictator of the Dragonlands want to instill dragon fascism to Equestria? Manederson Hoofer reports. The news, tonight at 9!

=.=

Author's Note

When you realize that Don Lemon and Lemon Hearts are the same person...

PC Police (Part 3)

"Umm...Starlight? Why did you drag me to your room?"

"Because, oh Trixie, my dear, we have mission to accomplish."

Trixie raised a hesitant brow while the pink policemare snickered and cackled on the chair by her little desk. Her eyes were wide with excitement, yes much excitement, as her devious little mind schemed away. It was quite frightening.

"You know, Starlight, you did have your mob of ponies try to burn me," Trixie crossed her legs, "so why do you think I'll help you so easily?"

"I had you burned?" Starlight suddenly blinked in confusion.

"Yup!" Pinkie shouted through the window. "You did it in 'Revelations From a Likely Source!'"

"Huh..." Starlight stroked her chin. "Sorry about that."

Trixie rolled her eyes, "it's nothing, just lost my hat and cape and had to buy a new one. I also seem to have lost the ability to refer to myself in third person."

"Well, I hope it didn't cause too much trauma for you to be treated like a pegasus..."

"Yeah..."

Starlight and Trixie then sat for a little while in the awkward silence. Starlight tried to give a smile that warranted forgiveness from the light blue unicorn, but Trixie did not seem to return any benevolent feelings. After the awkward moment, Starlight rubbed the back of her neck and cleared her throat.

"Are you ready to raise awareness?" Starlight smiled and blinked in quick enthusiastic fashion.

"Perhaps. What is it that you are planning?"

"Why, nothing horrible," Starlight looked at the ceiling. "Just something to get the train rolling..."

"This is a terrible plan."

"No, it's not. You're a stage performer, you know how to act. This will all go great."

"I'm a magician, not a movie star!"

"Which is perfect. So many ponies could care less about your name because you aren't that popular. Nopony will ever recognize you."

"Thanks..."

Starlight Glimmer, still in her police uniform, placed a white hoofball cap on Trixie's head. It was a tight fit and Trixie's horn ripped through the top in a comical manner.

Starlight clapped her hooves together. "Well, there you go. You look like a unicorn supremacist ready to do a hate crime!"

"I better not get in trouble for this..." Trixie glared at her friend.

Starlight leaned on Trixie's shoulder. "Don't worry, it's gonna be fine. You're just gonna threaten some pegasi, call them racist things, tell them that they aren't citizens of Equestria anymore and praise Celestia or even Ember."

"Ember? As in Dragonlord Ember?" Trixie blinked in confusion.

"Um, yeah?" Starlight rolled her eyes at her friend's obliviousness. "Ember interfered with the Equestria government to get Celestia back on the throne. Unicorn supremacists love her!"

"Wait, what?" Trixie raised a brow. "That makes no sens-"

"Shut up!" Starlight hissed. "You're my friend because you listen to me, not because you argue with me."

"Of course..." Trixie looked down in shame.

Starlight gave her a loving squeeze. "Good! Now, are you ready?" she asked sweetly.

"I guess..."

"Perfect! I see a potential victim right now!"

Starlight pointed a hoof at a white pegasus about a hundred feet away. The pegasus mare seemed like she was waiting for somepony, her eyes wandering about her surroundings. A perfectly normal pony doing perfectly normal things.

"I'm not sure..." Trixie gulped.

"It's for the betterment of ponykind," Starlight urged her. "Equality rests on your shoulders! We must show the world that Celestia's followers will only bring hatred and torment to society! Go forth and do what you, as a unicorn, were born do to!"

Starlight shoved her friend forward, making her fall to the ground. Trixie quickly got back up and magically adjusted her white cap. With wide, nervous eyes, she trotted over to the pegasus with faux-confidence.

"Hey you!" Trixie called out with a purposely gruff voice.

"Yes?" the pegasus smiled at her. "Do you need something?"

"I'm glad Celestia is princess now! I hope she gets rid of you all!" Trixie pointed her hoof.

"...what?" the pegasus raised a brow in utter bewilderment.

"You heard me you birdbrain!" Trixie shouted, desperately trying to sound threatening. "I hope she gets rid of you before I do!"

"Alright?" the pegasus shrugged, still very confused.

Trixie then stopped, tapping her chin in thought. What should she say next? She was not learned in the ways of calling ponies by racist words. She had never bothered to learn about pegasus insults, but mostly unicorn insults, as she loved to taunt other unicorns in magic competitions.

"Are you Ok?" the pegasus asked sincerely. "I may be able to help. I minored in psychiatry."

"I'm fine!" Trixie roared. "....Um....bye."

Trixie turned on her hooves and stomped away from the pegasus. The unicorn's gait was the sort of forced gait that a mare would make when her coltfriend didn't buy her chocolates. Loud, odd, and somewhat humorous. Trixie did this as fast as she thought she should without looking back.

"Good going, Trix!" Starlight rubbed her hooves together deviously. "Now it's my turn!"

Trying to appear as casual as a stripper cop mare could, she popped out from her hiding place and walked over to the pegasus. She leaned on the wall very police-like and cleared her throat to get the victim's attention. With a startled jump, the pegasus finally took notice of her.

"Gah!" the pegasus gasped. "Oh, hello, officer."

"Good evening!" Starlight said and tipped her hat. "How has your day been. I hope nopony has threatened you or anything."

"Um, yeah about that," the pegasus rubbed the back of her neck. "Some crazy blue unicorn mumbled loudly at me and stomped off that way."

"Really? Oh I've been getting reports about that-" she paused. "You said 'mumbled?'"

"Yeah, didn't understand a word she said."

Starlight frowned. "Blood damn brilli-I mean, really? That sounds rather odd." The unicorn policemare began to sweat.

"Well, I bet she means no harm. I hope you can find her and get her the help she needs,"

"Yeah, sure. Are you sure that she didn't say anything racist or pegaphobic?" Starlight leaned foward hopefully.

"I mean, 'I grab cell steak' could mean something? I think that's what she said...?"

"By the Sun, damnit!" Starlight hoofpalmed before recovering herself. "Um, have a great night, Miss." The policemare then stormed off in the direction that the crazed unicorn went. The pegasus stood there listening to the fading sounds of cursing from the policemare.

The pegasus looked at the ground. "I'm not sure that's possible..."

==

Author's Note

I swear, the 4th part is the last part...

Also...finally done with the semester. Hope to my good of my break with writing, wooh!

PC Police (Part 4)

"You are literally the worst."

"I panicked, alright?"

Starlight angrily rubbed her own temples, trying to cope with the frustration and disappointment she was feeling. She had been spending a whole 20 minutes insulting her unicorn friend, using mostly words that could not be used in front of foals. The gaps between the insults were not silent either as she grumbled and made odd throat noises while she thought of another degrading thing to say.

"The whole of Equestria rests on your damn shoulders and you panic!??!" Starlight screeched. "You are a stage performer, you're not supposed to panic!"

"Yes, but Starlight, my stage magic isn't going to get me in trouble," Trixie retorted.

Starlight deadpanned. "Trixie, ponies don't actually go to the police, they tell their sorrowful tales on the internet for others to gawk at. That's where the real news is. Do you know how many actual hate crimes there are in Equestria?"

"Well, we can look on the Royal Guard's website..."

"No! They only count the reported ones. There are thousands, Trixie, thousands that happen every week that no one knows about except the victims! To the government, they go unreported or have no evidence, so they say it never happened! What we were trying to do is prove the point about how easily it can happen and how often it does happen!"

"By faking a crime?"

"Well, if done correctly, nopony would know it's fake. All they need to know is that it happened," Starlight stomped her hoof to make a point.

"STARRRRRLLLLLIIIIGGHTTT!!!!"

Both unicorns froze as the high-pitched shrill rang throughout all of Ponyville. Both of them turned their heads to see Twilight, flanked by two Royal Guards, heading their direction. It could have been an illusion, but it appeared that Twilight's mane and tail was on fire.

"My life is over!" Trixie gasped.

Starlight put on an innocent smile and awaited the Princess of Friendship. Twilight was having none of it, as her angry glare could kill small animals. Luckily, Fluttershy was not around to see the birds from their branches at the horrifying sight.

Twilight planted her hooves right in front of Starlight and Trixie, who was hiding behind her pink friend. "Why is it," the princess began, "that when I come back from Canterlot, I find Rarity in my ultra-super secret dungeon?" The question was spatted out.

"And you assume it was me?" Starlight laughed innocently and gestured at herself.

"Well, Spike told me exactly what you did. So did Rarity. You arrested her based on her beliefs?!?!" Twilight shouted, breaking some nearby windows.

"Twilight, come on, Rarity has a very dangerous mindset. Her racist values can corrupt society and bring more toxicity to Ponyville. I did what I thought was necessary for the well-being of our lovely community," Starlight carefully explained.

"Equestria is founded upon freedom of speech, including speech that can offend other ponies!" Twilight used her magic to shake the fake policemare.

"I'm.....-not-.........sorry!" Starlight struggled to say as she was swirled around.

"Oh! You will be!" Twilight slammed her into the ground. "I've tried so hard to make you feel welcomed in my home! I give you breakfast, I give you a bed, and the you go and imprison my friends! Only I can imprison my friends!" she fumed and then paused. "Wait...are you wearing fishnets?"

"It's....um....not my best wardrobe choice..." Starlight shrugged.

One of the Royal Guards magically pinned Starlight down and placed hoofcuffs on her. Trixie was shaking in fear as the other Royal Guard approached her.

"Wait! I am not affiliated with her! Have mercy!" Trixie cried.

"She did everything I told her too!" Starlight said. "She's my accomplice!"

"What are you doing?!" Trixie yelled.

"If I'm going down, you're going down with me!" Starlight then turned to Twilight. "Go ahead! Lock me up! You know that I'm right! Rarity and anypony like her is a blight on this wonderful country. They deserve no rights!"

"You're insane, Starlight," Twilight facehoofed.

"No! You're insane because you think you're so right in all this. I try to help ponies and try to even out the playing field, you control them! You and Celestia and Luna! You give ponies no freedom!"

"Alright," Twilight blinked, "How would you suggest in fixing this? How would you give more freedom?"

"Why, you know," Starlight was confused by Twilight's question, "by making hate speech illegal and by issuing more taxes and by forcing the ponies to give to the poor through the government's regulations. You know this."

As both unicorns were held up by the Royal Guards, Twilight could only sigh in disappointment. "Sure, Starlight, sure. You know what? I'm gonna get my friends and um, have the night off whatever it is that we're doing. You go on and keep being you. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you kinda deserve it. Enjoy a night together in the Ponyville PD."

Starlight and Trixie were taken away by the Royal Guards. Twilight watched and then turned to see Rarity beaming at the two being led to at least a night in prison. The Princess of Friendship smiled but was unnerved by Rarity's conniving grin.

"Well darling, justice is served," she said almost gloatingly to her royal friend.

"Um...yeah?" Twilight acknowledged awkwardly.

"Starlight deserves to be thrown in a cell. Perhaps we could place her in an asylum? I've heard that the dog-pony is lonely these days with being the only patient in the Ponvyille Asylum."

"For what?" Twilight raised a brow. "Being a misguided authoritarian? I mean, she's not exactly sane, but I think she can come around."

"No, darling," Rarity guffawed. "She's a unicorn that thinks pegasi and earth ponies are worth defending. I mean, don't get me wrong, they aren't the worst thing ever and they make for good friends on certain days. But to think that they are on equal terms with unicorns, now that's just absurd, dear," she ended with a little fabulous chuckle.

Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Whatever you say, Rares....whatever you say..."

~~~

Author's Note

As a Latino, this is my favorite Rarity image.

Dragon Hackers

"Luna, I think the dragons have hacked us," Celestia stated dramatically as she sat on her throne while Luna looked at her from the bottom of the throne's wide steps.

Luna raised a hoof to respond, but then lowered it. "Um...Tia....do they even have computers?"

Celestia looked at her sister deeply before shrugging. "I don't know. But they did it though."

This made Luna rub the back of her neck in confusion. "Um, where's the evidence?"

Celestia's face light up. "Oh! Right here!" she pointed a hoof at a newspaper. "Shining Armor said they did!"

"Um...alright....How does he know?"

"Stop asking so many dumb questions!" Celestia spat. "Don't you see? This is bad! The dragons are mean, pathetic bullies! We should put trading sanctions on them and throw Spike out of the country. That'll teach them!"

Luna gave her sister a startled look. "What? They don't even trade. What will a sanction do..."

"DID I STUTTER?!?!" Celesia roared at her sister.

Luna blinked. "What?"

"SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! I DARE YA! I DOUBLEDARE YA-"

"So they kicked you out?"

Spike nodded. His face showed absolute boredom as he sat on a brown rock in the Dragon Lands with Dragonlord Ember sitting next to him, dangling her long blue legs and toying with the Bloodstone Scepter in her claws.

"Yeah, they kicked me out cause I'm the dragon representative to Equestria..." Spike sighed.

"Sucks, comrade," Ember shrugged. "But this is what freedom does to beings. It makes them hella stupid."

He looked up at her. "So, did you guys, you know, actually hack Equestria?"

"Yeah!" Ember laughed. "With one of these too!"

She handed him a small plastic object. Spike took the object and inspected it. It was bright blue and green with a flashy red light on top and fake plastic buttons scattered all over it. Upon the side were some cheaply marked letters.

"Hackertool 9000?" he read. "Where ya get this?"

"From what you ponies call a 'Hayburger Happy Meal,'" Ember answered proudly. "My best agents snatched it right under your pony-freedom-loving muzzles!"

"And you used this to hack our systems?" Spike was flabbergasted. "What were you looking for?"

Ember looked away, blushing. "Tacos...."

=~=

REEEEEEvolution

Twilight sat at her bedroom desk, reading a thick book with a bob of her head. She was humming a tune that got stuck in her mind for now three days straight. What the book was about was not important, so any time describing it would be a waste.

She finished a page and with her magic, turned to another. To her shock, this next page did not possess written words, but a flat face smiling at her. The uneven grin belonged to none other than Discord, who winked at her slyly. Twilight returned the wink with a glare; it was too early for this sort of thing.

"Discord, get out of my book," Twilight ordered.

"Well, I won't object, my dear," the draconequus said as she pulled himself out of the parchment. "It's rather tight in there. I could use the stretching room!"

He slithered out and his great size filled the bedroom. He giggled to himself as he rested his furry chest on Twilight's bed. The princess knew he was up to something more conniving than usual. It was easy to tell he was dying to tell her a chaotic plan.

"What's with you today?" she asked accusingly.

"Oh, I have just been reminiscing on the days since Celestia returned to the throne! It's been glorious! Starlight's brigade have been nonstop with their whining, complaining, and general wailing. Hehe, it's fun, but it is starting to get old. I feel that something new must happen. More action instead of crying, you know?"

"Maybe..." Twilight answered with uncertainty.

"Perhaps it's time to step it up a notch or even two!" Discord cackled. "Oh! Just think of it. It needs to be along the insanity that has been here the last few months. It needs to be so wild that nopony will believe it exists!"

"What are you thinking?" Twilight deadpanned.

"Why, an organization that stands for two things that are polar opposite, yet they wish to achieve both at once! What wonderful chaos that would be! I was speaking with Fluttershy last night and I'll tell you, the girl can have some great ideas within that cute head of hers. Do you know what she came up with?"

"No..."

"She came up with anarchy and communism! An organization that seeks both! Anarcho-communists! They want the statelessness of anarchy, but want all things controlled by the state like in communism! Oh, how clever! I'll lead it!"

"Discord," Twilight rolled her eyes. "Nopony is going to join such a backwards group. Nopony is that stupid..."

=-=

"What were you saying, my dear Twilight?" Discord chuckled in her ear.

Twilight did not answer him as her eye twitched. She stared at the television screen that aired the news. The images displayed ponies in black rioting in the streets of Canterlot. They held signs that screamed for both communism and anarchy.

"Where did you find these ponies?" Twilight asked worriedly.

"Oh, you know, the internet," Discord shrugged. It's quite easy. Just call it a 'revolution' and they'll run to you. Ponies are such a fascinating species. They simply make no sense sometimes. Oh, that's why they're my favorites, hehe. Oh, and let me not forget that promising them free donuts helps too."

=.=

"Your Highness! There are rioters right outside the palace!"

Luna sipped on her coffee while the Royal Guard shouted at her from below the throne. She raised a nonchalant brow at him, making him gulp. She did not like being disturbed while drinking her evening coffee.

"There are always rioters out there, my stallion," she rolled her eyes. "By this point, they are decoration for the porch."

"Yes, but they are rowdy. We may have to disperse them," the Royal Guard said fearfully.

"Well then, do not hesitate! Gather urine and pitch it at them from the front balcony!" Luna ordered.

"Your Highness, we no longer use that method," the Royal Guard reminded her.

"Hmph! It is my orders! You stallions have become soft under my sister! Back in my day, these peasants would be drenched in urine and feces by now! You want to drive them away with hugs now..."

"Well, that has worked in the past..." the Royal Guard squeaked.

"Ugh..." Luna sighed. "Why are ponies so nonsensical?"

=/=

Author's Note

Nothin' much, I know. But I felt I needed something on these Antifa riots.

(Bonus) She's a Sombrazi!

Starlight sat down on a lawn chair outside of Twilight's Castle. It was a nice summer day and after a good week of ol' unicorn supremacist fighting, having a well-deserved rest delighted her. She sipped some tea as she relaxed. Such relaxation even made her dream that the world had accepted social justice at last.

A noise aroused her back to the real world of racism, bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, griffonphobia, nonponyphobia, sexism, capitalism, and inequality. She moved her sunglasses down to better see what was creating such noise. Over the hill came a mob, a mob of ponies that held signs and black hoodies. A lot of them were visibly uncomfortable because the winter gear made them sweat tremendously. She raised a brow as they approached.

"Starlight! Starlight!" they cried. "We have done as you asked! We have found a Sombrazi to spank!"

They stopped before her and shoved an average sized white unicorn mare towards her. They cheered and shouted as she landed face first into the ground. She appeared like a normal bespectacled pony, but upon her horn was a red cover molded in the shape of Sombra's wicked horn. She pulled her face out, gave herself a shake, and then returned to her hooves with indignation.

"She's a Sombrazi!" the mob cried.

"I can see..." Starlight rolled her eyes in annoyance and then got up. "We'll take care of this."

"I'm not a Sombrazi!" the mare growled, rubbing her hooves through her pink mane. "I'm a nurse!"

"The horn says otherwise!" one stallion from the crowd argued.

"YEAH!" the crowd followed suit.

The mare looked right at Starlight. "Starlight, they put this dumb horn on me."

Starlight raised a brow and with her hoof, moved the Sombra horn, showcasing that there was no horn beneath it. The object was attached to her head via a string that wrapped underneath her chin. Now the mob looked a bit deterred. but they all remained there.

"See? They think I'm a Sombrazi, but I'm not even a unicorn!" the earth pony mare said.

Starlight ignored the plea from the nurse. "What makes you think Nurse Redheart is a Sombrazi, besides the horn?"

"She thinks feminism is useless!" one answered.

"She wants to be kind to dragons!" another said.

"She doesn't want free universal healthcare!" a third shouted.

"She refused to make-out with me!"

All eyes turned to a dark gray pegasus stallion. He blushed when he realized what he had just said. Even Starlight glared at him. He gulped and began to sweat.

"She...uh..." he thought carefully. "She didn't make-out with me because I'm a pegasus!"

"She's a Sombrazi!" the crowd shouted in unison while the pegasus sighed in relief. "She's a Sombrazi!"

"Alright, alright," Starlight quieted them down. "So she did all that."

"No I didn't!" Redheart stamped her hooves on the dirt.

"So you did make-out with him?" Starlight pointed at the pegasus.

"What?" Redheart asked incredulously. "No I didn't kiss him."

"Because he's a pegasus? How dare you! I thought racism had gotten better than that. Guess I'm wrong," Starlight told the nurse with absolute disdain.

"No! I didn't make-out with him because I have the right as a mare to deny such contact!"

"You give up your rights if you don't agree with feminism. Self-hating mare," Starlight berated her again.

"I'm not a Sombrazi!"

Starlight paused, thinking. "Well then, why aren't you a Sombrazi?"

"Because I don't believe in Sombrism! I believe in freedom!"

"Redheart, do you agree with us?" Starlight gestured at the crowd and herself. At this question, the ponies gathered around closely to hear the accused pony's response.

"What? No! You're a bunch of lunatics!" Redheart said loudly.

"See? You're a Sombrazi! You admitted it yourself," Starlight shrugged.

"No I didn't! I don't believe in fascism!" the nurse sounded worried.

"An ignorant fascist is still a fascist," Starlight stated. "You all can spank her now. She's a definite Sombrazi."

Starlight returned to her chair as her minions pinned Redheart down to a wooden board and began smacking her rear with a paddle.

"Gouch!" Redheart whelped. "Oh! By the Sun, ya'll are getting flu shots up the ass! Ouch!"

"Spank the Sombrazi! Spank the Sombrazi! No mercy!" the crowd chanted.

And Starlight crossed her legs and watched them punish the Sombrazi. A smile crept on her face. "Ah, it's a good day to be an anti-fascist," and she grinned as she sipped her tea once more.

=

Author's Note

HATE SPEECH IS NOT FREE SPEECH REEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The Opposite of Truthful Information of the Current Time

Night Glider, Party Favor, Sugar Belle, and Double Diamond were all sitting around a fancy desk in their computer chairs, doing nothing. Cameras pointed at them, but no ponies operated them. Usually at this time, they would be speaking about current events and the commentate on the news, but no one was watching, so they had given up even trying. The Young Equalists was no more.

"Just to think....nopony trusts us anymore..." Sugar Belle sniffled. "And I just started to like being a morally-driven journalist."

Party Favor slowly spun around in his chair. "Well, when the pony population loves to consume lies from Celestia, it was bound to happen."

"It's Bullshit!" Double Diamond slammed a hoof on the desk, leaving a small dent that had been getting deeper every time he did so.

Night Glider leaned back in her chair. "We're like, the best news on the internet and TV. I mean, c'mon!"

The quieted down, not knowing what to do next. Starlight, their leader, was still doing time from her act of impersonating a police officer. So like any leaderless bunch of hive-minded followers, they could not do anything for themselves and had to wait for her to return to give further orders.

"With nopony watching, who is gonna know 'bout the oppression of pegasi?" Night Glider grunted.

"Or that Celestia is literally King Sombra?" Party Favor added.

"Or that unicorns are like, the absolute worst?" Sugar Belle whimpered.

"Or that Celestia's followers have been faking all the riots to make equalists look bad?" Double Diamond huffed. "I mean, they are right? Ya know, dressing up and beating everyone up? Our side would never do that, right? I'm right? Right guys?"

"Yeah yeah..." they gave approval in the slowest, most pitiful way possible.

Once more, the deafening silence returned. They all looked at each other, waiting for something to happen. Nothing did of course, as that would mean they were able to do something on their own.

"I can't believe we're losing views to a cartoon frog..." Sugar Belle sighed.

"I can't believe ponies don't believe us when we warn them about the Dragons..." Party Favor grumbled.

"I can," Night Glider growled, "cause they're stupid. They know we're better than them, so they jus' don't listen to us."

"Maybe we should...I dunno...try to earn their trust back?" Sugar Belle piped up to the annoyance of her comrades. "I mean, we haven't been unbiased in our reporting."

"Just shut up, Sugar Belle," Double Diamond yelled. "We have done all of our reporting with complete integrity. We are not biased at all."

"Then why are we called The Young Equalists?" she retorted.

The other three did not answer. Not until Night Glider furrowed her brows.

"That has nothing to do with anything, Sugar. Stop being an idiot."

Sugar Belle just nodded in submission. "Oh...alright guys."

And then, something amazing happened. Just kidding. They still didn't do anything. What, you think they would learn? Pfft! Haha!

=

Existential Chaos

Fluttershy carefully sipped her tea with the grace and elegance that was simply natural to her. Her wide eyes stared blankely at the wooden table. As she stared at it, she began to notice all the little details in it. All the scratch marks from animals, all the circles made my hot tea cups not put on saucers, and the chipped paint. The old table could use a touch up. Another project to be done around here.

Across the now terribly ugly and horrible table was none other than Discord. His large paw took hold of the tiny tea cup and he sipped from it, making as many slurping sounds as possible.He did so in an attempt to gain Fluttershy's attention, but alas, she still stared at the table.

"Now, my dear Fluttershy, what is bothering you?" he asked.

"Well, to be honest, I've been thinking a lot about what has been happening. You know, ever since we brought Starlight here from her village."

"It's been a fun ride, yes?" he giggled.

"Well, maybe. It just seems all too weird....even for me."

Her words were sincere, so Discord's grin faded. He never enjoyed it when Fluttershy slumped into her depressing moods, always questioning the world and always questioning who she was. He didn't say anything and allowed her to continue.

"I mean, I live with you, or no, you live with me, but still, it's so weird and bizarre."

"Oh, how is it so bizarre, really, my dear?" he placed his elbows on the table and leaned closer. "You live in a world that has no sense of technology or science. I'm a spirit made of a dozen different parts and my voice is that of an anti-hero from a classic space series."

"Well, it has certainly made me question the pony race, I'll say that. Everything now seems like one giant joke and the grand comedian just doesn't know when to end it."

"Hehe. Sounds like a blast."

"Well, maybe, but not everyone is having fun. I mean, Discord, we are in a world now that ponies are beating each other up in some culture war. Nopony knows what to believe, and so they hide in echo chambers. Usually jokes are for non-serious things, but the biggest joke in my lifetime is politics. Discord, that's not a good sign. We even have the human world to make fun of....but it just doesn't cut it."

"I think you're taking this all a bit too seriously..."

"Am I?" Fluttershy looked at him with intimidating eyes. "Think about it, Discord! The pony race is just one giant, endless joke! The other races are laughing at us as half our population fights the other on the internet. One calls them bigots and the other calls them crybabies! They attack each other with memes! MEMES! Rainbow Dash went out to start a cult that worships a cartoon frog and guess what?!?!? In this world, she can do that! Soon there will be a whole ethnicity that praises some god that spawns from pure tomfoolery!"

Some strains of pink hair slipped out from where they should be, giving Fluttershy an even more insane look. Her heavy, but still high-pitched breathing was cute and all, but Discord, now reeled back from the pony in a defensive position, was not thinking about that. His scared expression was frozen there for some moments, before he cleared his throat and tried to regain dignity.

"Fluttershy, my dear, this is just a unique time in history..."

"I don't want my grandkids coming to me and knowing me for going through a time of insanity!" she stamped her hooves on the table. "I don't want to pick up some history book in the future and see sections talking about memes and frogs and fake oppression and Neo-Sombrazis who get punched or dance around on television!"

"It could be worse, my dear. I skipped out on a thousand years, but I do recall how ponies were before my first imprisonment. They were violent, always needing something to guide their life. At least now their violence is on the internet, which, cannot be violent."

"It's just so wild, Discord. We are in a time of such extreme points that a pony is either evil or good based on a criteria that involves race, ethnicity, and....and.....gender! And gender is a social construct!"

Discord rolled his eyes. "Flutters, perhaps you should take some medicine."

"Well, my mother did give me this kind of pill when I was a kid. It would help make me care-free."

"Which sounds like a good idea."

She became even more animated. "But Discord! Can you even imagine it! Everypony is insane! This world is mad! Maybe this is all some sick timeline Twilight made accidentally with her magic! Maybe this is all a sick prank by Rainbow and Pinkie! This couldn't be real, Discord! Are you behind this?!?!? Are you slowly turning us into a realm of chaos so that you can be king of it once more?! Maybe it's Celestia tricking us all so that when we're distracted, she can eat more giant cakes that we used taxpayer bits to pay for!"

At that instant, Discord shoved a pill down her throat. Then, she paused, swallowed, and continued staring blankly in the distance. She blinked twice, and then slumped in her chair. Discord was confused for a moment and leaned in closer to see if the pegasus was alright.

"You know, Discord...maybe all this doesn't matter. What's the point?" she shrugged pathetically.

"By the sun, wrong pill," he hoof/claw-palmed.

"Maybe all this insanity is good for an insane world, you know?" she sighed. "I mean, what else would we expect? A government that knows what it's doing? Yeah right..."

"Let me go find you a better pill..." Discord said grudgingly.

=///=

Author's Note

Based off a conversation with my older brother.

The times man......

Gettin' Spicy

Raven took a deep breath. It was that time again. Yup. She had to talk with the Equestrian news media. How fun... She never liked the media, and even less speaking with other ponies. Celestia often did this for her, but not today. Celestia had a sore throat. Or at least, that was what she said. Likelihood of that being false? Quite likely.

"Just talk normally to them!" Raven tried to sound positive.

With another deep breath, she stepped out and onto the stage that had a lone podium. In front of the stage were many, many ponies with notepads, phones, and cameras. Great. Some of them were known affiliates of Starlight. This was not going to be fun. However, Raven repeated the phrase in her head. Stay positive. Stay positive. Be nice.

She did not say anything as she took her position behind the podium. It was a bit tall for her, as it was meant for an alicorn. She adjusted her glasses bashfully and cleared her throat before she was ready, or at least, most ready, to receive the onslaught of questions and accusations.

"So...um, I have been told to tell you all that Princess Celestia did, in fact, did not eat the cucumber cake. And no, cucumbers are not a unicorn supremacist vegetable...er....fruit? Um, so what questions do you ha-"

"Secretary!" one pony has her hoof. "Is it true that Dragonlord Ember is using Celestia as a puppet ruler?"

"Heck no," Raven deadpanned. "Ember can't even get household plumbing in her lands, how can she make Celestia, the Princess of the Sun, her puppet? Ridiculous.

"Secretary!" another pony got her attention. "Are you suggesting that the Dragonlord is an incompetent ruler?"

"Eh, it's not my words. Sure. She's incompetent."

"Secretary!" a mare shouted unnecessarily loudly. "Does Princess Luna scaring little colts and fillies make her a danger to Equestria?"

"Wha....? That was on Nightmare Night, you moron," Raven said. Stay positive.

"Secretary!" a stallion jumped. "Is Princess Twilight trying to secretly usurp Celestia and Luna?"

"Well yeah, we kinda all know that already."

"Does Princess Celestia really hate pegasi?"

"Um...of course not. She likes all the races," Raven answered.

"Does that mean she is actively ignoring the pegasus issues in Cloudsdale and elsewhere?"

"No..."

"Is that why she hires more unicorns than earth ponies at the palace?"

"Wha...? Stop! You've had three questions, fool! I'm going to let another pony have a chance."

The stallion was offended. "That is not appropriate. You did not answer my question."

"Oh shut it you!" Rave snarled. Keep it positive.

"I ask that you answer my questions. Equestria needs to know whether Celestia has their best interest in mind."

"I'll answer them after I beat your ass outside after this!" Oh no.

"How dare you, secretary!"

"Just sit in the corner....and shut up!" Raven tried to fix what had sprouted from her mouth.

"Secretary!" a mare raised a hoof. "Are you really going to threaten journalists?"

"Yeah, you know what? I am! You all aren't giving me any decent questions. It's all about Celestia, not the economy, plans, or anything relevant. If you don't start giving me decent questions, I'll beat all your asses!!"

"Does this mean that Celestia hires brutes to further her alicorn supremacist agenda?"

"That's it!"

Raven then proceeded to beat all their asses. It would become a memorial day for all integral journalists in Equestria. Never forget. Journalists risk their lives daily to give the ponies the truth from the government. Who knows when an angry secretary would come out and just whoop you. It was an occupational hazard.

Just kidding. They got whooped and it was viewed on the internet countless times. Raven then got her own reality TV show.

Author's Note

Not much. But I wanted a Sean Spicer chapter.

The Return of the Flopscars

"Did anyone actually watch that award show last night?" Spike asked.

"Nopitty nope!"

"Pfft, Nah."

"Not really, darling."

"No."

"Heck no."

"Well, not exactly..."

"Thought so," Spike nodded to himself.

Author's Note

I hear that Master Roshi, the pinnacle of respecting women, hosted it.

D E S T R O Y T H E F I L L Y

D E S T R O Y T H E F I L L Y

Discord cleared his throat before inching much too close to the microphone. With vastly oversized headphones on his rather skinny head, he looked sternly down at the script in his mixed claws.

"Ahem, I have recent news," he began, "of a small pegasus filly raging havoc throughout Equestria. Now, my dear audience, is this not what I have been warning you all of? For years I have been on this radio show informing you all of the troubles that happen behind the scenes."

"If you remembered," he continued, "I was informing you all of Twilight's schemes to overthrow Celestia and Luna. Such a conniving plan of friendship and pony magic. Without my incredible journalism, the two Princesses would have been tossed salad.

"It was I who warned you of the Friendship School. This government-funded yet not regulated academy was flooded by foreigners on the first day. It was our Princess of Friendship who opened up a school that allowed changelings, you know, the ones that invaded Canterlot, to attend. Dragons were next. Then it came to those stupid yaks. Hmph. What it really was was an attempt to indoctrinate the creatures of the world to oppose Celestia and Luna. I was the one who put an end to that.

"However, I must return to the pegasus filly named Cozy Glow. According to my research, she met regularly with Starlgiht Glimmer. Yes, folks, that Starlight Glimmer. We have government-funded schools that allow felons to be staff. What an awful time to live in, indeed. So, this former cult leader corrupts the child. She taught this cute little pegasus to worship demons and dimwitted celebrities.

"Yes, my dear audience, the ponies at Twilight's school are being turned into demon-worshipers. It is a shame that my dear friend, Fluttershy, has to work at such a Hellish place. What I tell you is true. I vow its truth on my journalistic integrity, if that means anything to you.

"Now, of course, Princess Twilight rejects these claims. That is exactly what a demon worshiper would say. Should we believe a unicorn who got turned into an alicorn because she solved an ancient spell? Hm, certainly not. Celestia gave her wings and she in kind tried to overthrow the one who made her. That, my dear listeners, is what you call evil.

"Now, my listeners may ask 'what shall we do with this pegasus filly? It's simple enough. Destroy her. I was turned into stone twice for far less. I say destroy all the students. Who knows how many of them have been magically turned into demons from the Princess's dark magic.

"This is all part of Twilight's plan. Tirek, Chrysalis, that Blue Goat Ice Cream mascot, they all are distractions. This Cozy Glow was undoubtedly a leak in Twilight's scheme. After trying to take the throne through subtlety, Twilight is now raising a demon army of youths from every race. She has to do this to fit Starlight's pursuit of diversity. With such an army, she can take over Equestria and beyond in a frightful plan of globalism.

"This defiled army of students ask their Grand Teacher 'what shall we do?' and she replies 'CORRUPT THEM ALL.' These are the times we live in, folks. Demons, not from centaurs or goats, but from your fillies and colts attending her school.

"So folks, be wary. Be very cautious. The time of judgment is near, oh yes. Our final days will come with a falling sun and a year long battle with the hordes of the corrupted. Do not let your child attend the school of the demons! Fight back! That year long battle starts today!"

As Discord went on, a rather shocked Fluttershy watched from the other side of the studio glass. Beside her was a very frustrated Twilight.

"Giving him a mic was your idea," she told the pegasus mare.

"....Yeah it was...." Fluttershy sighed. "But I told you he would like it. He likes it when others are listening."

Twilight took a deep breath. "Oh by Celestia...I hope they aren't."

Author's Note

THEY'RE DEMONS

Microaggressions Galore!

Microaggressions Galore!

"Are you sure this is the place?"

"Of course, Rainbow. This is exactly where the Map sent us."

"Somethin' seems rotten..."

"The place lacks style, that's for sure."

"I think it looks nice..."

"Everypony, I'm. On. It!"

Pinkie rolled down the hill at a tremendous speed. The other five simply watched her go about, making the coast clear. When she jumped around enough, she silently motioned for them to follow.

The main six ventured closer to the odd little village. Every building was the same with only a single hut at the end out of the two parallel lines of homes. Stranger than that were the ponies themselves. All of them lacked bright colors and all of them had eerie smiles on their faces.

"I don't like those smiles, they're not real," Pinkie remarked.

"I don't like their manes," Rarity coughed. "Do they not have any personal style?"

"What bothers me is all their Cutie Marks," Twilight added. "They are all the same."

The six mares slowly entered the village. Their presence was soon felt by the weird residents of the community. Heads of the bland ponies slowly turned towards them, their smiles retaining full dominance on their faces.

"Ok, I think we should go..." Rarity gulped.

One of the strange ponies approached them and ended his stride only inches from their muzzles. "Hello and welcome to Our Village," he said, keeping his smile on the whole way.

"Good afternoon," Twilight introduced herself. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship."

The stallion's face faltered. "Another princess? I thought Equestria only had three..."

Twilight was about to respond cheerfully, but she was cut off by a pink unicorn mare who shared the same odd smiles.

"Well that's because when you're running an entire nation, you can do whatever you want," the unicorn said with an odd tone.

Twilight blinked in confusion. "What?"

The unicorn ignored her question. "Welcome, I'm Starlight Glimmer, and this is our utopia where everypony is equal. If you are looking for a leader in this place, you shall find none, because we are all equal. However, through unanimous vote, I've been elected the spokesmare of our community."

"Ah, so can you show us around?" Twilight asked.

"Of course! But she can't come with us."

Starlight pointed a hoof at Rarity. The fashionista gestured to herself in confusion.

"Why not?" she asked with shock.

Starlight rolled her eyes while retaining her cheerful tone. "You should know why. You are white, heterosexual female, and worst of all, a unicorn. It would be unequal to let your unicorn privilege be allowed into our village."

"What?"

Starlight lost her smile. "Don't act so ignorant. You know full well what the greedy unicorns do. They all sit up in Canterlot as the 1% and hog all the money. It is so unequal to have them live in such wealth. They are a part of the oppressive system on the earth and pegasi ponies and species-neutral ponies."

Twilight pointed back. "But you're a unicorn! What about you?"

"It's a tragedy I must live with," Starlight pouted. "I tell everypony that I'm sorry for the horn on my head each day. It's the only way to keep my oppressive traits at bay."

The six mares all looked at each other before giving a collective "what?!" However, their broad question was once again ignored by the pink unicorn.

"Alright, alright," Twilight facehoofed. Let's-"

A gasp rang from the ponies of the village. Starlight glared at them with anger in her eyes. "How dare you do that!" she cried.

"Do what?" Twilight questioned.

"Why, a facehoof! Don't you know that's a microaggressional gesture? How can you be such a jerk, bigot!"

The other ponies nodded in favor of their spokesmare. Twilight sighed in annoyance at their reaction.

"I didn't mean anything by it," she said.

"Oh really? I'm sure all you princesses say that!" Starlight huffed. "You think, with a horn on your head, that you can get away with everything!"

"Ok, I'm sorry," Twilight interrupted. "Now, my friends and I are on a mission. Would you please, please, please let us go through your village?"

Starlight paused before standing upright. "Fine, you may come in, but that white one still cannot come in."

"So much for being equal..."

Starlight lifted a brow. "What? We all are equal here. Come along."

Applejack turned to Rarity. "Ya be alright, sugarcube?"

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Of course, darling. Carry on and watch that mare closely."

"Sugarcube is an offensive term for bakers, bigot!" a pony exclaimed at them.

It did not take long for the remaining five to see just how "equal" all the ponies were. They were all basically the same. They all lived in the same style homes, had the same Cutie Marks, and even the same personalities. It seemed their names were their only separations.

At the end of the village, they entered Starlight's cabin which was taller than the rest. It was odd and out of place, but none of the mares risked upsetting the equal ponies again by pointing this flaw out.

"Lovely place here," Fluttershy said.

"But it's not because I'm a unicorn!" Starlight quickly interjected. "Nope! My place is no lovelier than anypony else's. We are all equal, so we live equally."

"I see..." Rainbow moaned. "All you guys are so weird."

Before Twilight could jab the pegasus with her elbow, the words were already out. However, much to her surprise, the spokesmare took the shot without a reaction.

"Yes, we may be a little, but that's just because of how equal we are," she said cheerfully.

Applejack shrugged. "Why didn't ya get offended by that?"

"Because it was Rainbow who said it. Since she is both a minority and homosexual, she has the earned right to say such things," Starlight answered casually.

"Homo?" Rainbow growled. "What makes ya think I'm a fillyfooler?"

"Why it's because of your rainbow mane and your tomboyish attitude. Don't worry, we don't judge here."

Twilight blinked. "Isn't that stereotyping?"

"Why of course not!" Starlight scoffed. "It's obvious she's lesbian. I...Oh no!"

"Finally," Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"I made you come out of the closest didn't I?" Starlight gasped and tears were forming in her eyes.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry! You didn't tell your friends yet?"

"I'm not a lesbian!"

Starlight silenced her with a careful hoof. "I'm so sorry. I'll blame my irrational actions on my horrendous unicorn privilege. Please forgive me for revealing your secret."

"You're crazy!" Rainbow yelled at her face.

"You don't have to keep it secret any longer. It's a beautiful thing to know your sexuality. Do not be scared, be proud!"

"I'm straight!"

Starlight's mood changed dramatically. "Straight is not the proper term. There are no "straights." I'll inform you..."

"Shut up!" Rainbow growled. "You're insane!"

"I can tell that the oppression you have faced as a minority must be hard to deal with, but there is no need to be rude. Also, the word "insane" is hurtful to the mentally impaired."

Twilight shook her head. "You do realize that pegasi are 34% of Equestria, right? They aren't a minority."

"Oh, where did you find that stat?" Starlight huffed.

"The census?" Twilight answered awkwardly.

"Of course!" Starlight jumped. "The government messes with the number just to make it look like that. We all know unicorns are the vast majority in both number and culture. It's part of the systematic oppression from the unicorns!"

Rainbow shook her head and whispered in Twilight's ear. "No wonder the Map sent us here..."

"Hehe, uhh, beg ya pardon, Starlight, but this place just doesn't seem our type," Applejack nervously spoke.

"You wouldn't mind if we got a little meeting going, would you?" Twilight asked.

"Of course not! If you all want to visit our safe zone, you can. The Cutie Vault is a great place to be yourself and not be judged or oppressed," Starlight told them in her usually cheerful manner.

"I thought we would just sit by outside if you don't mind," Twilight suggested.

"Starlight, we were trying to have a private meeting, alright?" Applejack frowned at the town's spokesmare, who was in their circle.

Starlight blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh! My apologies. I was just making sure you weren't trying to seclude yourselves from the rest of the village to use hurtful words or to secretly judge the residents. That would be mean and cruel."

"Yeah..." Twilight rolled her eyes. "No, we are trying to make sense of this place, that's-"

"It's not my fault you can't understand mutli-cultured communities!" Starlight fired up. "You all are too stupidly blind to see the beauty of our equal town. Your racist and homophobic fathers have lied to you about ponies. We all are perfect in our own ways and if you can't accept that, you're the problem!"

"But...umm...shouldn't you guys accept us for not accepting you?" Fluttershy asked.

"Of course not! All ponies are equal and if you think otherwise, well, you're such an idiot and bigot that you can't see truth even if it went up your as-"

Twilight interrupted her. "Starlight! This place is insane! We can't seem to speak, think, or even gesture differently than your ponies. It's like we're all the same!"

Starlight appeared hurt. "How dare you think we're the same! We are all special in our own way. Except cissexual unicorns of course, they aren't special at all."

"I can't believe this..." Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Starlight, you seem offended by everything we say! What about Equestria's rights on speech?" Twilight demanded.

"Ugh! You guys have such overblown egos if you think you're 'freedom of speech' matters to anything. What about our rights? We have the right to be offended and to take action against any who wish to microaggressively harm or oppress other ponies!"

The five looked about to see the residents of the community surround them. They had no smiles on their faces and with every second, take a step closer. A small chant began to rise up between them.

"Do not hate! Do not hate! Do not hate!" they chanted.

"You see, princess, you are a part of a dying breed." Starlight cackled. "Your parents and your friends hold the horrible notions of the past! We are a new worldview that will sweep the nation, one pony at a time. We shall become equal! We shall never hate, hurt, or offend anyone ever again! Ahahaha!"

"Alright, enough of this," Twilight deadpanned.

With a single blast of her magic, Twilight grabbed Starlight in a tight hold. Starlight was taken completely by surprise and was levitated in the air. The equal ponies gasped and ran away at the sight of Twilight's magical prowess.

"Starlight, you're coming with us," Twilight said.

"You're arresting me?" Starlight asked sincerely. "But...But I'm a unicorn! Nopony ever arrests unicorns, only pegasi."

"You keep tellin' yourself that," Applejack groaned.

"Huh!" Starlight beamed suddenly. "That's it! I've finally lost my unicorn privilege! I'm being treated like a minority! This is the best day ever!"

The five friends stopped when they felt an odd sensation on their flanks. Each one of them was not surprised when their Cutie Marks rang with the success of their mission. Rainbow, however, shrugged.

"So the mission was to get a unicorn to believe she wasn't a unicorn?" she asked confusedly.

Twilight shook her head. "I've already stopped trying to understand.

"Yes! I'm free at last! Woohoo!" Starlight partied.

~

Author's Note

-Cheers for That!

Educational Devolution

Educational Devolution

"Now kids, what is the capital of Maretonia?"

Cheerilee's class did not respond to the question enthusiastically. Well, all moaned except Sweetie Belle, who desperately waved her hoof up. This was the fifth time in a row that Sweetie volunteer for the answer, making Cheerilee sigh.

"Anyone else other than Sweetie?" she asked.

"But I KNOOOWW the answer!" Sweetie said loudly.

"Fine," Cheerilee sighed, generating a slight chuckle from the class, "what is it?"

"It's Coltfia!"

"Yes..."

The class continued to chuckle at Cheerilee's bemused mood. However, the teacher soon smiled at her young class. Today's geography class had been going well. Being the only teacher in Ponyville made it rough for her. Why couldn't more ponies get teaching cutie marks? She brushed the thought away and picked up a paper.

"Class, we have only a few minutes left, so I will like to go over the week's schedule to give you all a heads up."

She was about to read it to them when the school house's door slammed open. Everypony inside were startled to see Starlight Glimmer standing menacingly in the doorway. The pink unicorn glared at Cheerilee before marching in.

Starlight had a blue bruise on her muzzle, complete with a large bandage on the bridge. Her lips were slightly busted and she appeared like she terribly lost whatever hoof-fight she was in. One colt awed at her ruined face with a gaping mouth.

Starlight spied him. "Colt, staring at someone's face like that is a microaggression. So if you want to keep your perfect face, I'll suggest looking away."

The colt "eeped" and sunk in his chair, making the pink unicorn satisfied.

"May I help you?" Cheerilee asked suspiciously.

"Why yes you can!" Starlight placed her hooves on the desk. "You can stop indoctrinating these poor children with your lies and slander."

"Excuse me?" Cheerilee's face hardened.

Starlight pressed a hoof into Cheerilee's fur. "You do not teach these kids...wait, they aren't goats...these fillies and colts progressive thinking! You fill their brains up with Equestrian propaganda and make them chant that dumb Equestrian oath to Celestia every morning! Don't you know that the image of Celestia, in a general educational environment, is offensive to non-Equestrian cultures?"

Cheerilee pushed the hoof away. "I'm not sure if you know this, but you're in Equestria."

"It does not matter where I am in the world, we must be sensitive to other ponies and non-ponies as well," Starlight countered.

"What is she talking about?" Scootaloo asked, but the adults did not hear her.

"Who are you to tell me how to teach my students?" Cheerilee crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair.

"I am a progressive thinker who is simply concerned for our children! You poison them with outdated thinking! Make them believe what past generations believed. Keep their minds small and do not let them question your vile teachings. The proof is in this classroom. I see idolized portraits of Celestia, a globe that only has Equestria highlighted. There are only maps of Equestria! You have signs about the outdated virtues of cutie marks, making the children believe that those things are in any way important! And look at your class, the white unicorn filly has answered all the questions. Have you, an earth pony, betrayed your race? Do you think only unicorns can answer correctly? You must show her favoritism because she's the oh so perfect white unicorn!"

"She was the only one who raised her hoof," Cheerilee said.

"That's because the poor pegasi here already know your racist ways. They don't even try anymore, you monster."

"Uhh...I didn't raise my hoof 'cause I didn't know the answer," Scootaloo interrupted.

"Ha! You don't even teach the minority students, do you?!" Starlight accused the teacher. "You must be one to approve of those horrid 'unicorn-only' schools in Canterlot!"

"There are pegasi only schools in Cloudsdale, aren't you against those too?" Cheerilee asked.

"What? Why would I? Pegasi can have their schools, there's nothing wrong with that," Starlight answered with a casual shrug. "And see! You are racist! You think that the pegasi having schools is bad!"

"I never said that."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, you implied it."

"Oh please..."

"And I'm sure you also don't teach these children about global warming!"

"This, seriously?" Cheerilee facehoofed, much to Starlight's nerves. "These foals don't even know basic multiplication, but you think it's my responsibility to try and explain to them about a vague threat that it is destroying all the world? That's for them to decide later. I am a teacher. It is not my responsibility to tell them my viewpoints and what they should or should not believe in. If they believe it, that's fine, but it will not be because of me."

"And yet you do that with your Equestrian propaganda! And remember that facehoofing is a microagressional gesture!"

"Miss Cheerilee!" a certain pink earth filly with a tiara said. "Can you get this bimbo out of the classroom?"

Cheerilee hushed Diamond Tiara. "We don't use that word."

Starlight turned around and glared at the pompous filly. "Now you listen here, you little shi-"

Diamond expertly interrupted her. "Oh! By being some stuck-up unicorn, you have some right to tell this classroom that is being taught by a minority race, how to run her school? I think you're the racist one here. Just like always, you privileged unicorns think you know everything and we minority ponies know nothing."

Starlight growled. "I'm not some privileged unicorn, missy. I was at one point, but I gave that life up. Just because I'm a unicorn, which is something I apologize everyday for, doesn't mean I can't help make this world better. So you stop talking. You're only here in this because of your rich capitalistic father and that aristocratic and earth-pony-betraying bitch of a mother. So maybe you don't realize how hard life really is and how messed up society is in your perfect little world."

"Starlight! You do not intimidate my students!" Cheerilee yelled.

"You're right, that's your job," Starlight turned around. "I saw that yard stick in the corner. I'm sure these poor colts and fillies and questionables are scared of you. You must beat them daily with that horrid device."

"Beat them? I've only disciplined them a couple of times this whole semester. They are a good class. Besides, a yard stick is used to measure distances, you know."

"I seem to have stumbled upon one of the most vile places in Ponyville! How dare you harm these children! You've scarred them for life!"

Cheerilee was bemused. "Class, are you guys scarred for life?"

They whispered among themselves and then gave a unified nod of the head. The teacher buried her face in her hoofs.

"See!? You are a villain!"

"Starlight, they are children, they don't know better. I don't like scolding them or anything, but sometimes I must intervene to control my classroom and to protect the students."

"You are physically and mentally abusing them. You should resign for their sake."

"You can't make Miss Cheerilee leave!" Apple Bloom shouted.

Cheerilee chuckled. "Don't worry, Miss Glimmer has no power here."

"We'll see about that..." Starlight whispered.

The school bell rang loudly. The fillies and colts started packing their things and prepared to leave.

"You should leave also, Starlight," Cheerilee said.

"Abuser."

"Moron."

Starlight leaned forward and picked up Cheerilee's apple that was on the desk. She was about to put it in her mouth, but she slowly returned it to the desk untouched.

"You're still teaching these fillies and colts nonsense. This is why our educational system sucks. So before I leave, I'll be taking those ugly Celestia portraits with me."

"STARLIGHT!"

"Oh shi-"

Twilight stormed into the room. "How do you keep escaping the castle!?"

"The bed sheets of course," Starlight answered boastfully.

"I should have listened to Spike..." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Now come along."

"You cannot keep my voice locked up!" Starlight shouted. "You cannot imprison free-thinking! I AM A VISIONARY!"

"You're a loony," Cheerilee remarked monotonously.

Starlight scrambled and opened a window to jump out of. Twilight sighed and simply picked the pink unicorn up with her magic. Like always, the unicorn started to squirm in the grip but never once use her own magic to escape.

"Help! The Princess of Friendship wants to brainwash our kids! Wait, they aren't goats, damn it! She wants to ruin our children! Think of the children! She wants to enforce old outdated worldviews! Twilight doesn't approve of pegasus education! She votes only for unicorn! Help! Help! We live under a dictatorship! No free speech allowed! She's the Princess of Anti-Friendship! Help!"

As Starlight's shrill voice faded away, Cheerilee rubbed her temples.

"The ponies I have to deal with..."

Celestia was peacefully sipping from her pineapple juice. The sun was shining brightly on her white fur and the cool ocean water gently brushed against her hoofs. It was a lovely day in the Marebbean. No annoying ponies, no whining Twilight, no nobles, no problems, and no protesters. Could it be better?

"I wish this could last forever," she smiled.

Suddenly, a bright blue flash appeared some feet beyond the shore. Luna popped out of nowhere above the water and soon fell in with a large splash. She started to squirm about in the water as she seemed to have lost the ability to swim.

"I've been on the moon for a thousand years! Water is now foreign to me!" the younger princess wailed. "Help!"

"Luna, it's shallow, you can stand," Celestia sighed. "Why did I say anything?"

"Oh." Luna stopped squirming and stood upright, shaking her wings about to let the water run off them.

"What is it, sister?" Celestia said as she sipped her juice.

Luna started to jump over the water, creating many splashes as she reached her relaxing older sibling. Celestia magically lowered her sunhat to keep her face dry from the saltwater.

"It's your school!" Luna shouted unnecessarily high. "The equal protesters are trying to ruin it!"

"My school?" Celestia did not seem to care.

Luna pressed her face closer. "Yes, you know, your gifted unicorns school!"

"What do they want?"

"They want to lower the price of admission, perhaps even make education free of charge!"

Celestia lowered her sunglasses. "Really?"

"Indeed!"

With a sigh, Celestia stood up. "Fine, I'll dissuade them from wasting their time further. Hmph, I'm already wasting my time dealing with them."

In a flash, they both teleported back to Canterlot. There, in front of her school, were the equal ponies. Like usual, they were waving signs about.

"Free education!"

"No more rich-only schools!"

"No more tuition!"

"Unicorn schools = racist!"

"No more student loans!"

"Special schools = not for the special!"

"BOOOOHHH!"

"Pay for school? How dare you!"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Alright! What do you want now?"

"Free education! Free college!" they shouted.

"If you don't pay for it, then who will?" Celestia asked.

A silence fell on the protesters. They rubbed their manes nervously and some just had blank stares. A general mumble began to be heard until Party Favor stood up.

"The rich!"

"Yeah!"

Celestia shook her head. "I thought you equal ponies didn't want a 'rich' portion of ponies? You want all to be a middle class. Doesn't that mean there won't be any rich ponies to pay for your education?"

Another silence fell over them. This one didn't last as long as Night Glider sprang up.

"The government will pay!"

"Yeah!"

"Fine!" Celestia said with a cruel smile and looked at her sister. "Luna, raise the taxes 300% and take all tax-cut abilities away. You are going to pay for all education of the entire nation. Good luck." She teleported back to the tropics.

The longest silence of the protesters soon followed. Blank stares and complete confusion was on all the faces. The only one that seemed excited was Luna herself.

"More money for me!" she clapped her hooves happily.

=

Author's Note

I don't think Luna has generosity in mind...All the taxes should go to Rarity, am I right? Equestria would become fabulous!

The Flopscars

"Oh no! They're here!"

"Celestia save us!"

"Don't swear by her! If they hear, they'll make us resign!"

"Something save us?"

"I guess that's better."

The unicorn named Fashion Plate bit on his hooves nervously. Beside him was an earth pony mare named Heart Style. They both looked out the window to the Canterlotian streets below. There in a large mass was a bunch of protesting ponies, all dull and having the same mane styles. Fashion Plate couldn't stand their simple designs. No style! No taste! No fabulousness! AHHHH!!!

However, that was not important. The important part was that the protesting ponies were trying to storm his home. His beautiful, beautiful home! Heart was panicking, not because of Fashion's home, but because she feared for her own life. Her hooves clung onto her rich violet mane as if it as a rope saving her life.

"Gah!"

The equal ponies broke the door and flooded the mansion. In no time they had run up the stairs and reached Fashion Plate and Heart Style. Leading the protesters was Double Diamond and Night Glider. Both sides stared at the other, one with frightened glances and the other with hateful glares.

"Fashion Plate!" Double Diamond shouted. "We are boycotting your annual Best Fashionista Awards in your Cosmare magazine! You and your so called judges rigged the results! All those elected for the award are unicorns! You bigot! You have no diversity!"

"I am so sorry!" Fashion Plate wailed. "I didn't mean anything! Rarity, Sassy Saddles, the others...they are all great fashionistas! It is not my fault, they just happen to be the best!"

"That's only because they have magic, dipshit!" Night Glider barked. "But I guess you wouldn't know that since you're a unicorn yourself!"

"I am an advocate for diversity! I swear!" Fashion Plate cried. "I try, try so much! Look! My assistant is an earth pony!"

Heart Style jumped away from him. "Don't you drag me into this! You're on your own."

"You racist bigot!" an equal mare shouted. "You are biased!"

"I'm sorry!" he started to tear up. "I...I...I made such mistakes!"

"Yeah, you did! Now elect a pegasus fashionista! There are great ones out there!" Sugar Belle yelled from deep in the protesting crowd.

Fashion Plate nodded, but then shrugged helplessly. "What pegasus fashionista is better than Rarity? Maybe Suri? But she's a known fashion thief!"

"Suri's an earth pony, we need pegasi!" they shouted.

"Who?!" he cried again.

Night Glider stood proudly. "Well, you know! That..." she paused. "Uhh...Guys? Do we know a fashion pegasus?"

They all started muttering among themselves. Some would say a name as if they solved the perplexing puzzle, only to be told that said pegasus wasn't in the fashion business. After mostly Wonderbolt or celebrity names were given, the equal ponies gave up.

"Then elect Coco Pommel and Suri for the award," Party Flavor commanded. "Earth ponies are still more diverse than unicorns."

Fashion Plate sighed a dramatic sigh. "But fellas, one is a known cheater and the other hasn't had a single dress line out."

"Then Prime Hemline!" Sugar Belle suggested.

"But she's a judge that helped me pick these candidates!"

"Oh..."

Double Diamond stepped forward and shoved a hoof into Fashion's chest. "You will elect Coco and she will win. Do it. Do it for progress and diversity."

"But...but..."

"Shut it!" he growled. "This is for the pony race! Equality must be shown, no matter what."

Fashion Plate buried his face in tears. "I'll do it! I'll do it!"

"Another win for equality! #equalitywins!" Sugar Belle jumped up in joy.

"Yeah!" the protesters rejoiced.

"THOU SHALL NOT USE HASHTAGS IN OUR GLORIOUS PRESENCE!!"

The equal ponies were then blasted away by the Royal Canterlot Voice. Luna had come crashing in through one of the windows, much to Fashion's despair. The equal ponies saw the fierce princess and saw that the battle was lost. They dropped their signs and scrambled out of the mansion. Luna smiled at this and turned triumphantly to Fashion Plate.

Fashion Plate was split between awe and horror. "My princess..."

Luna interrupted him. "THOU SHALL ELECT WHOEVER THOU WISHES, FASHIONABLE KNAVE!"

She had forgotten she had her voice set on caps lock, so the poor unicorn and his mare flew across the room and crashed into some nearby furniture. Luna was surprised at her own strength, but did not care much for the unicorn editor's injuries.

She sighed. "Well, at least Twilight isn't here to lecture me."

~

Author's Note

hastagsaregreat

hashtagschangetheworld

oscarsboycott2016

cocopommelforbestfashionhorse

Rules of Nature!

Fluttershy was sitting by a table behind her little cottage. The chickens squawked in the morning light and tried to peck each other's eyes out. This was normal behavior for Fluttershy's murdering psychopathic chickens, so she didn't mind them at all. They would calm down once she gave them their second breakfast.

She gracefully lifted a tea cup to her soft lips and sipped with an elegance that rivaled Rarity. It was such a nice day, so peaceful and away from the growing chaos that was pony civilization. Out here, it was just the rules of nature. Kill or be killed. Could it be any more beautiful?

Fluttershy didn't think so. She smiled and watched Harry the Bear rip open a fish he caught in the nearby stream. His thick claws dug deep into the squirming fish, ripping it apart in literal shreds. How wonderful.

The birds sung their magnificent songs while they swallowed unfortunate bugs and worms whole. There went Mr. Foxxy stealing her hens' eggs again. Of course there was nothing wrong there. The fox needed food and this was how he got it. Oh and there went Elizabeak the Chicken, down for the count. She shouldn't have messed with Charlie the Rooster. That was a mistake.

"This. Is. Fine." The pegasus said aloud.

"And I thought I was sick," Discord grunted from a nearby tree, where he watched the chickens beat the KFC out of each other.

"Oh, they never actually hurt each other," Fluttershy responded in her cute voice. "They just become a little grumpy at times."

Discord looked closer at the knocked out hen. "Fluttershy, my dear, Elizabeak is dead."

"Naw, she's just not moving."

"For a long while..."

"Everything. Is. Fine." Fluttershy repeated.

"If you say so," Discord shrugged. "By the way, where is that pesky rodent?"

"Angel?" Fluttershy looked up at the draconequus."He's still sleeping. You know how he likes to stay in bed in the mornings."

"Hiya Fluttershy!"

From under the table the yellow pegasus was sitting, slithered Pinkie Pie, who bore a wide grin. Fluttershy was a bit surprised by the sudden appearance of the earth pony, but knowing that it was Pinkie Pie, the feeling did not last long.

"Hello Pinkie Pie," came the quiet greeting. "Have you been under my table this whole time?"

"Not this whooollleee time, silly filly!" Pinkie giggled. "That would mean I'd been here since before time itself! No, I've only been here since 2 AM."

"Oh..." Fluttershy blinked.

"So, have ya been preparing?" Pinkie escitdely asked.

"For what?" Fluttershy shrugged.

"Applejack's birthday, of course!" Pinkie clapped her hooves. "It's just seven months away!"

"Oh..." the pegasus moaned. "I forgot to prepare, I'm sorry."

"Well, it's never too late to start! We're gonna need pears, lots of pears."

"But Applejack hates pears-"

"Shush! That's what she wants ya to think," Pinkie brushed her nose against Fluttershy's. "She actually loves them."

"What's makes you believe that?"

"Just a hunch," Pinkie shrugged casually.

Both of them paused as the sounds of a jet engine could be heard above. Of course, it was no jet, but the friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash. The spectrum streak raced through the air and came to a commanding halt in front of the two ponies. And by "commanding halt" meant what really happened was that she crashed snout-first into the table, knocking it over.

Luckily, Fluttershy knew the rainbow mare enough to have lifted her tea cup off the table before it was sent flying. Both Pinkie and Fluttershy simply looked at Rainbow sitting in the pile of broken table parts. Like usual, Rainbow recovered from the crash with tremendous speed.

"Fluttershy! I came as fast I as could....ow..."

"Ohhhh! What's happening?" Pinkie jumped up and down.

"Starlight's coming over here! I saw her argue with Twilight about somethin' and then she started to trot on the trail to the cottage. I beat her here. So I'm giving ya a warning," Rainbow explained through her panting.

"Starlight Glimmer? Well, what's wrong with her?" Fluttershy asked nicely. "I know she is very different from us, but that doesn't mean we should be mean to her."

"Shy!" Rainbow shook her head. "She turned you into a lesbian one time!"

"She did?" Fluttershy leaned forward. "Huh, I didn't notice..."

"And she's been trying to get Equestria to be against us!" Rainbow continued.

"She is? Well, I hope ponies don't think we're mean..."

"She smacked Featherweight with a bat!" the noisy pegasus squawked.

"Hm," Fluttershy shrugged. "Well, he deserved it. That colt takes pictures of me when I'm bathing in the river. He doesn't know that I know, but I don't tell him anything."

There was no response as the two other ponies and Discord simply looked at the yellow pegasus awkwardly. Fluttershy lowered herself under the three gazes and looked at the floor.

"Did I say something wrong?" she asked apologetically.

"FLUTTERSHY!!!"

"That's Starlight!" Rainbow gasped. "I'll protect you, Shy!"

"No need to, Rainbow, it's fine," Fluttershy said with a calming hoof. "I'll go meet her."

"And I shall get in a nice comfy theater seat to watch the show, hehe," Discord chuckled before dissipated into thin/thick air.

"FLUTTERSHY! ANSWER THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! I AND THE P.A.A.B DEMAND IT!"

Fluttershy peacefully walked around her cottage to the front to see Starlight banging on her small wooden door. The unicorn, like usual, was full of unreasonable anger. As she continued to demand entry, Fluttershy stopped beside her and calmly got her attention.

"Um, Starlight? I'm right here," she said.

"There you are!" Starlight yelled. "It is time for you to pay for your crimes!"

"Crimes? What crimes?"

"Animal abuse and unlawful keeping of wildlife," Starlight explained. "We know you trap poor animals here to be kept until being sold as pets to ponies."

"Yes..."

"And then those poor animals are sent to slaughter houses to be murdered and eaten by murderers!"

"Umm....no?"

Starlight leaned over the now cowaring pegasus. "Oh really?"

"Um, Starlight, ponies don't eat animals..."

"Well some respectable ponies don't! But there are those who eat eggs and milk! The griffons eat steak and the cooked flesh like savages!"

"Um, that's because griffons are omnivores..."

"Omnivore, snobivore! You think you're scientific, huh? Well guess what? PAAB and I know much more about healthy diets than you!"

"PAAB?"

"Ponies Against Animal Abuse."

"Oh..."

Starlight then quieted down and waited for Fluttershy to say something. The pegasus remained silent in the presence of the pink unicorn. This perturbed the unicorn and she waited a couple moments longer.

"Well? What's your defense?"

"Um, I have none. I mean, I do keep animals, but I don't abuse them. They abuse themselves."

"Huh?"

"Oh, well, you can come back and see them, if you want to of course."

"Um, alright? Lead the way?" Both statements came as questions.

Fluttershy smiled and led the grumpy unicorn over to the back of the cottage where the chickens fought and nature just...happened. The pink unicorn was a bit appalled by the amount of animals living around the cottage. After they went through the short fence's gate, she sort of just stood there and watched.

"How have you acquired this many animals?" she suddenly asked.

"Oh, it wasn't hard. Most of them just show up and then live with me," Fluttershy explained.

"Live with you without a choice, I bet," Starlight accused. "You capture them and lock them up!"

"I've never tried to capture any animals..."

"Except at the Grand Galloping Gala..."

"Oh yeah," Fluttershy looked at the ground. "But those were mean and unfriendly animals."

"They were mean and unfriendly because they were caged up like a zoo!" Starlight stomped a hoof. "There are bird cages in your cottage. You keep these poor beings from being free! You abuse them and make them fight each other like they are in an arena. You sick minded individual! How dare you torture these animals."

"Um, I don't torture them at all. You see, they stay with me because I can communicate to them orally."

"Oh, now you're some sort of whisperer, eh? Eh? Well, guess what? Anypony can communicate to them, it's called speaking. They understand me just like they understand you. You think you're so special because you can speak to them huh?"

"Well, my cutie mark allows-"

"I don't give a flying feather....wait..." Starlight tapped her chin, "I can't say that to a pegasus...I don't give an earth pony's hoof....oh...that's racist too....I don't give a tootin' horn about your damn cutie mark!"

"Um, isn't that last phrase...um...you know...racist too?" Fluttershy stammered.

"What? Of course not. Hey! Don't change the subject! You're the one facing an ass whoopin' for your crimes against these poor animals."

"Um, sorry but whooping donkeys is a crime too," Fluttershy commented.

Starlight's eye twitched, but she tried to stand firm. "All that matters here is that you are treating these poor animals with cruelty!"

"Can you prove it?"

Starlight pointed a rude hoof into Fluttershy's chest. "I don't need to prove it. I just need to complain about it and make a petition against you on the internet!"

"Oh, that doesn't seem fair..."

"Fair? What do you know about being fair? Is keeping animals like that, fair?"

"Well, they choose to be-"

"Stop lying!"

Starlight hopped twice in place as she shrieked loudly, making Harry the Bear growl in anger. Both ponies turned to see him scowl his bear scowl at them. The unicorn's eyes widened when he slowly approached them.

"Oh, Harry, she doesn't mean ill," Fluttershy said calmly.

"RAWWGGH!" Harry roared into Starlight's face.

"Ahhhh!" Starlight squealed. In her panic, she levitated a nearby boulder and threw it at the hostile bear. Fluttershy gasped and roughly kicked the bear out of the way of the giant rock. She only had a moment to see the massive boulder come straight for her and the next moment, it embedded itself into the ground, leaving no trace of the pegasus.

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow screamed. "They killed Fluttershy!"

Pinkie then shook a hoof at the heavens. "You bastards!"

Rainbow then paused and looked at her pink friend. "Who ya talkin' to?"

Pinkie pointed at nothing. "Them."

"Um...guys?" Fluttershy stepped around the boulder. "Starlight missed."

"Look!" Starlight hissed. "You animals are so abused, they want to take their anger out on me. How could you, Fluttershy? How can you be..."

She stopped when she realized Harry was looming over her. He clutched her whole head in his massive paw. Her body squirmed to get free, but the grip on her head was too tight, so nothing worked.

"Help! Somepony help!"

The bear stood on his back legs and threw his front leg back. holding the position of a baseball pitcher, he stepped forward and threw the unicorn into the air and over Ponyville's pathetic skyline. With her screams fading away, he sighed a long sighed and started to sleep on the spot.

"Wow, Harry is pissed," Rainbow said. "Where did he learn to throw so far?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I teach him a few things sometimes."

=

The PC Police (Part 1)

Starlight looked at the dark blue police cap in her hooves. It was time, she thought. She slid the cap on her head, making sure her horn did not imbalance it. Then she placed on a policemare's vest and slapped a pair of anti-magic hoofcuffs to her side. A nightstick went on the other side. She then put on fishnet stocking that she thought all policemares wore. To finish her look, she put on a pair of cute black boots to really make her look intimidating. So intimidating.

She brought her mirror over and inspected her new look. "Hm, not too bad. Wish I didn't look so much like an oppressive tyrannical unicorn government agent." With her hooves, she adjusted everything again until it was comfortable. "There, that's better."

Unbeknownst to her, Spike was walking around the corner with a dish of food in his claws. He was humming a tune before he noticed the pink unicorn admiring herself. He instantly stopped in his dragon tracks and cocked his head.

"Uh, Starlight, isn't a bit early in the day to get kinky?" he asked. "And Sunburst isn't coming over today."

"Gah!" Starlight jumped. "Oh, hi Spike. I am not getting 'kinky' for Sunburst...yet...I am trying to save the country. With Celestia being Princess again, hate crimes are soaring in Equestria. I am going out to stop them!"

"With police brutality? I thought you hated that?" Spike blinked.

Starlight returned to looking at herself. "Well, that's against pegasi as police are extremely racist and contribute to institutionalized racism. Hate crimes can only be committed by unicorns, so me beating them up won't be brutality, it'll be justice."

"Eh, I don't follow..."

"Whatever. You're a dragon. The dragons have caused all this. Oppressive countries just want other countries to be oppressive...shame."

"Um...ok...."

Spike shrugged and started to walk away. Starlight saw this and stamped a hoof on her desk. The startled dragon whipped around to look at her.

"Stop!" she said sheepishly. "I um...really need breakfast before I head out..."

"Why didn't I think this through..." Starlight sighed.

"C'mon gal! Arrest me!" a pegasus stallion called to her. "I'm all yours!"

Starlight shook her head as she walked by the now drooling stallion whose wings were straight up to the sky. With him being a minority pony, her doing anything to him would be her unicorn racism coming out of her well-kept seal. She could only not look his way and trot on. He was not the first cat-calling stallion. he was the fifth thus far.

"Good heavens, Starlight! Why are you dressed like that?" Rarity gasped upon seeing her.

The white unicorn was drinking her tea at a small round table next to a cafe. The two had hardly been on speaking terms for obvious reasons, but at the moment, bygones seemed bygones.

Starlight stopped in front of her. "I um, got this off of the internet. Didn't realize it was a Nightmare Night costume," she said. "Of course no policestallion outfits were like this. Stupid sexism."

"Well, I can't say you don't look marvelous in it," Rarity inspected Starlight's side. "But why in Equestria would you ever wear it?"

"Because without ponies like me, you know, ones that actually have a conscience, the world would have no hope. It is my duty to help the minorities and the marginalized. With Celestia as our ruler, the unicorn supremacists, the racists, the nationalists, and the plain ol' jerks will rise up, salute her like a dictator, and bring Tartarus to every innocent being," Starlight said dramatically.

Rarity took a sip of her morning tea, "If you say so."

"Wait a second," Starlight paused and glared at the white unicorn mare, "you're one of those unicorn supremacists."

Rarity looked away, taking another frantic sip. "I have no idea what you are talking about, darling."

Starlight put her black leather boots on the table, "Yeah, you do! Don't you think I haven't been following you and what you say."

Rarity put down her tea. "So what if I am a unicorn supremacist? With your self-hating kind going about these days, it's rather hard not to be a supremacist. Besides, I don't actually do anything. I just think unicorns are superior to other pony races. I mean, deary, it's only because of unicorns that we have such a great country today."

Her words almost, almost burst a vein in Starlight's temple. The now growling pink policemare leaned closer to Rarity until their horns almost touched. Well, they would have, had Rarity not backed her head away.

"How can you say that? Unicorns have done nothing but bring misery! The earth ponies grew all the plants and had to share them! The pegasi had to painstakingly keep the weather nice just for you sorry hornheads. What did the unicorns do?"

"Why, they moved the heavens, we all know that," Rarity said.

"Are you sure? How do we actually know that happened?" Starlight questioned rudely.

"Well, now that you say it like that..." Rarity sipped her tea hesitantly, "I'm not sure...but what about all the technology? All the advancements in society? Unicorns brought real civilization. If the unicorns had let the earth ponies and pegasi live their lives, they would still be lowly peasants and warmongering warriors respectively. "

"That's it!"

Starlight grabbed her nightstick and brought it down right on Rarity's head. The disturbance made her drop the tea she was levitating. The ponies, who were already staring at Starlight for valid reasons, now all stood in shock by the sudden attack. The stallions cheered.

Starlight pinned Rarity to the table, forcing her front legs behind her back. Still not using her magic, she took her hoofcuffs and put them on Rarity, much to the joy of the observing stallions.

"You don't have the power to arrest me!" Rarity shrieked.

"I have the power to intervene!" Starlight shouted. "I have the power to help others! This is justice, Rarity. Your crimes against ponies and non-ponies are over! You're going to where all the unicorn supremacists should be: in the dungeon!"

"Um, Ponyville doesn't have a dungeon..." Rarity blinked in confusion.

"There's one in Twilight's castle," Starlight remarked casually.

"Oh..."

Starlight took the restrained white mare off the table to see her fall on her beautiful face as her front legs could not aid in keeping her standing up. This caught the sexy pink policemare off guard. They were a little distance from Twilight's secret dungeon that was now not-so-secret. Starlight did not want to drag the supremacist all the way there.

"Can't you stand up?" Starlight asked harshly.

"Oh, certainly," Rarity replied sarcastically. "How about you feel how hoofcuffs are behind your back!"

"She's ready! Bang her!" Pipsqueak called from the crowd.

Big Mac was there too, but he said nothing. The bloodtrail that ran from his nose told everything.

"Fine!" Starlight snarled at Rarity. "Consider this me using my unwanted privilege."

Starlight, quite reluctantly, lifted Rarity up in her magic. The crowd cheered as the gorgeous "criminal" was being brought to sexy justice. The policemare could only look disgruntled as she took Rarity to Twilight's castle, forcing her way through the onlookers.

It took a moment before she realized the stallions were following her. When she turned around, the stallions waited excitedly for her to do something.

"You can't follow! You can't watch, you pigs!" she told them.

A collective "awww" rang through the small crowd. They then had their hopes up again as Rarity began posing in Starlight's levitation. Her poses consisted of showcasing her flanks to the watchers. She was enjoying their "oohs" and "ahhs" and "holy Celestia, that's amazing!"

"Hm, I actually quite like the attention, Starlight, darling," Rarity giggled. "Perhaps I should wear hoofcuffs more often?"

"Come on, Rarity," Starlight rolled her eyes. "You're just the first of many to go to the dungeons."

The stallions cheered once more, except Big Mac, who now fell to the ground. He had lost too much blood. Too much blood indeed.

=/=

Author's Note

Fanart of PC policemare Starlight?

Probably not...but I think Sunburst will like it.

Worthless Extra: The Pegasus Chicken Chronicle

Breaking news! Social media is outraged at seeing a pegasus filly wearing a G&P hoodie that read "Coolest Chicken in the Coop." This hoodie displays racial derogatory terms and pegasi across the country are enraged.

Pegasi swarmed G&P stores in Equestria, destroying them and acting as clucking chickens. Protesters laid fake eggs in stores and did aerial poop strikes on G&P employees. Pegasi for Awesome Equality leader, Rainbow Dash had this to say to media on Friday.

"We can't tolerate racists here!" the mad pegasus yelled. First the birdbaths stuff and now this! We do the weather, we do the aerial acrobatics, we help ponies with reaching stuff on the top shelves and THIS is how they repay us?!?! We aren't chickens!"

"So what you are saying is that to prove that you aren't chickens, you need to act like chickens?" a reporter asked.

Rainbow Dash refused to comment further.

In response to the protests, G&P, who is ran and operated by griffins, went to social media, spamming messages that read "F*** you and the little filly too!" The CEO of G&P sent a selfie while flipping the bird using her middle feather.

The young purple-maned filly that modeled the offensive hoodie has not commented on the event. Her aunt couple did respond to the offensive gesture with laughs and rolling of the eyes. Pegasi across the country now brand her as being worse than the griffins and that she, is indeed, a chicken.

Next at 11. Are Princess Luna's "horseapple-pile" comments unnecessary? The Griffins don't think so. We will reveal tonight how the griffins live in brilliant conditions and are not in any need of help. The Griffin Kingdom is beautiful.