Tales from the Cryp-salis: Bakin' Bits

by pjabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Pinkie Pie, Human
Length: 2087

Queen C is back to narrate another terrifying and twisting tale of bronyism gone wrong.

"Your old friend, the Chrys-keeper, is back! This time, we've got one more brony who wants in, but Equestria is operating under the zero population growth policy. Turns out that there's no such thing as a free lunch! Ahaha!"

You can read the original Tales from the Cryp-salis as well.

Rated Teen for minor violence.

Published 2012-06-03 23:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-03 23:24:01 UTC

Bakin' Bits

“Well, well, it’s good to see you all again, my loyal subjects. Your sovereign, Chrysalis, is back to steal your hearts away! Now, don’t get in a pranic! Ahaha! I don’t intend you suck the love out of you, leaving you quivering on the ground in convulsions. . . yet!”

Queen Chrysalis stepped back from the fourth wall to reveal herself in a homey kitchen, wearing a frilly apron that had “Surrender your endless love to the cook” stitched on it. “Oh, don’t let this fool you. Just a disguise for one of my potential victims. Pretending to run. . . “ she lifted a hoof. “a house holed! Ahaha!”

A stallion came in the front door. “Hi, pony. I’m home!” he said.

“Welcome home, dear. I’m just in the middle of something.”

“That’s fine, can you bring me a drink?”

Chrysalis looked sideways at the fourth wall. “Sure thing. Come here.” The stallion came up to her and leaned in for a kiss. She extended one of her long legs and kicked him right between the back legs. “There you go. A nice highball! Ahaha! And speaking of which, let’s kick off tonight’s story. A tasty little challenge of brony versus food that I call, “Bakin’ Bits!” Ahaha!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Young man, I must advise you that, while the court is obligated to answer any reasonable position for a name-change, the challenges you will face in life as, er, ‘Twinkle Sweetcake’ will be increased, to say the least. Have you considered how that name will look on a job application?”

The youth had come into court in a proper jacket and slacks, and the judge’s nearsightedness was enough that he had not made comment on his Rainbow Dash tie. “I have, judge. There are plenty of jobs out there, even today. There are few people who follow their dreams.”

“As may be. Good luck, Mr. Sweetcake,” the judge said as he banged his gavel.

******************************************

“Damn, it feels good to be a brony!” Twinkle said as he came home with his new name. There would still be the matter of telling his family, but he would at least be going to his brony meet-ups with something to brag about.

Having taken the most important step in his young life, Twinkle sat in his room and thought, “What should I do now. Oh, that’s right! I have ponies! I think it’s time for a little ‘Party of One’!”

He went to his DVR and brought up the episode. He knew them all by heart, and was prepared to recite the dialogue along with the characters.

“Oh. Hey, Pinkie Pie,” he said along with Twilight.

“Hey, Twinkle Sweetcake!”

To his credit, Twinkle did not boggle or outwardly display any shock. He was excited, but manners came first.

“I’m so glad you’re finally talking to me personally, Pinkie. May I ask why?”

“Tee hee! Because you’re a full-blooded Equestrian now! I know how so many of you bronies want to meet the characters and spend time with us and become ponies and come to Equestria, and all you have to do is pick your Equestrian name and have it registered! Silly willy colts and fillies!”

“Really?”

“Oh, yes, the court system has wonderful reciprocity with Equestrian record-keeping.”

“That’s really. . . Pinkie Pie, did you say that I could become a pony and go to Equestria?”

“I sure did. If that’s what you want.”

“If? That’s like saying, ‘If one and one make two’! It’s like, ‘If Celestia raises the sun in the East’! It’s like, ‘If, then cancel out the if and take whatever comes after the if as true!’”

“That’s just peachy-bleachy!”

“So how do we do this? Magic spell? Ponification serum?”

“Cake!”

“Cake?”

“Yep! Pinkie Pie’s Patent Pending Pink Person-to-Pony Pound Cake!”

Even though Pinkie was still speaking to him from the television, her spittle had covered Twinkle’s face, and he wiped his eyes clean. Then a ding sound came from the TV. “It’s ready!” Pinkie Pie said.

Her face filled the entire screen, then withdrew to show that she was in the Sugarcube Corner kitchen. She put on an oven mitt and opened the cooker that was mostly filled with cake. She put the cake on a large platter and picked up a frosting nozzle attached to a very large bag. She threw three layers of cake in the air and began juggling them with her rear hooves. She squirted pink icing on all three layers, and then then landed them back on the platter. She gave the cake another squirt on the top and the sides. Then she turned to a bowl and pulled out a stack of fondant decorations. She spun the cake around and dealt the fondant out like a deck of cards. When it finally came to a stop, it was a display-ready confection covered in fondant hooves, pony heads, and the cutie marks of the Mane Six. The whole process had taken all of twenty seconds.

Twinkle applauded, reflecting that he would soon never be able to do that again. “Cut me a piece!”

Pinkie turned back to the fourth wall and said, “You can do that yourself!” She pushed it through and it turned real. She deposited it on his coffee table.

“Don’t go anywhere!” Twinkle said. He ran to his kitchen and got a plate, knife, and fork. He made the first slice, remembering how he was always obligated to do this on his birthday. Well, in a real sense, this was going to be his birthday.

The second slice was tougher. The cake was thick, and when he remove the slice, it was shining with moisture and steaming with heat. The cake itself was a deep pink, and the icing was bright pink. He stuck the fork in and took a piece of cake without icing. He didn’t know what was better: knowing that the cake would alter his body, or just getting to have such a tasty cake. He put it in his mouth.

“Sweet! Too sweet!” he said, while looking for a napkin to spit it out into. But he didn’t have one, so he forced himself to swallow. “Pinkie! That’s way too sweet!”

“Pony taste buds are different from yours. You’ll have to get used to flavors like that if you’re going to live as a pony.”

“Well, I guess it’s all right. So, when do I start changing?”

“Hehehe. Silly-boy roundy-head! You’ve got to eat more than one bite! Be sure and get some of the icing!”

Twinkle took another forkful, this time with some of the pink frosting. It was like eating a cotton candy cloud that rained powdered sugar. Pinkie was still watching him with a smile. “Pinkie, you’re going to give me diabetes.”

She preceded all of her comments with giggles. “Oh, nummy-wummy, ponies don’t have diabetes. Once you’re a pony, you won’t have to worry about any of those silly human diseases anymore!”

He managed to continue shoving bites of the cake into his mouth. He didn’t even want to taste the sweetness, just swallow and get it over with. At last the slice was consumed.

“OK, done! Give me my hooves and my cutie mark!”

“Oh, you’re not done! You’ve only had one little piece!”

“Pinkie Pie, are you telling me I have to eat this entire cake? All of it, in one sitting?”

“Uh-huh! Don’t you like it?”

“Pinkie, this thing is the size of a monster truck tire!”

She put on a puss face. “You don’t like it.

Oh. No, it’s. . . good. And important. I really want to be a pony!” Twinkle cut himself another slice and started eating.

By the time half the cake was gone, his heart was racing. “Wow, Pinkie. This thing is giving me a sugar rush. I think I’m ready to run a marathon, swim the Channel, and then bike the Tour de France in one day.”

“I know, isn’t it great? Use that energy to finish the cake.”

“Actually, I am getting used to the flavor and it’s really good. How do you make it? What’s in it? Do you have the recipe? I want to learn to make it myself. Can you tell me how?”

“Just a few magical ingredients, special Pinkie Pie stuff. I’ll let you know once you’re a pony. Keep chowing down!”

Twinkle had stopped taking slices and was now just using his fork directly on the cake. He couldn’t even feel his heartbeat any more. He felt his blood moving directly. He looked up at Pinkie Pie on the screen, and said “Oh, wow, this is so awesome. I get to eat this tasty cake and then turn into a pony and maybe eat more tasty cakes once I turn into a pony! Best day ever!”

“See, I knew you would like it. Go ahead, there’s not much more to go, and then we can break down the barrier and you can come to Equestria!”

He threw down the fork and picked up the last quarter of the cake in his hands. He was almost inhaling the thing. Bite, chew, swallow. Bite, chew, swallow. Lick the icing off the fingers. Bite, chew, swallow.

“This cake is just so tasty!” he said. “You’re the best baker ever! All this pink icing and pink cake and it even tastes pink, as silly as that sounds! It feels like it’s going to turn my skin pink. Hey! It is turning my skin pink. I’m starting to change! Pinkie, isn’t this wonderful, I’m going to have the same coat color as you!”

“Mm-hm. Finish up!”

He shoved the last piece in his mouth. There wasn’t even air in his mouth, just cake and icing. Only the sugar energy the cake had given him was enough to chew and swallow it, as big a bite as it was. One final gulp, and the cake was gone.

He stood up and started dancing. “That’s it! All over! Finished! Done! Complete! I almost wish it wasn’t, because it was so much fun eating it. I could eat another one of those right now! But I’m going to be a pony! A pony! A pony! I wonder if I’m going to be an earth pony or a pegasus pony or a unicorn pony or an alicorn pony or an earth pony!”

Twinkle’s skin was fully pink now. His hair immediately puffed up and curled.

“My hair! I thought only your hair did that, Pinkie Pie! But now my hair did that too! Or, my mane! My mane did what ours does—yours does! Pinkie, wait. I thought I was going to be a pony!”

“But you are! A pony is just what I am.”

“No, I meant, be a pony but still be me! Not Pinkie Pie the perfect party pony of Ponyville! Party! We should throw a party for me! A Welcome-to-Equestria party! But Pinkie Pie already lives in Equestria! Of course, that’s no reason not to have a party! A happy party with balloons and streamers and presents and dancing and music and cake!”

“Sure thing, Pinkie Pie!”

“Thanks, Pinkie Pie! Let me go ahead and break down that fourth wall and join you!”

“Great! We need lots of Pinkie Pies this week! There’s going to be another new pony in town who’s trying to escape from Pinkie Pie. You might have to hide in a mountain or a tree or something!”

“That sounds like fun! Of course, everything sounds fun now! Yeah, I can feel the pony trying to run with my Pinkie sense now! Let’s make sure she doesn’t get away! Hey, Old Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah, New Pinkie Pie?”

“How long have you been a Pinkie Pie?”

“Couple of weeks. Another two, maybe three more, and then I’ll run out of energy and turn into cake myself.”

“I hope I’ll be the one to frost you and serve you to another brony! I love you, Pinkie Pie!”

“I love you, Pinkie Pie!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, it seems that brony is going to have his cake and be it, too! Ahaha!”

The stallion crawled up off the floor, speaking soprano. “Honey, there was no call for that!”

“You’re probably right, but on the other hoof. . . “ she magically slammed his head into the area around the sink. “I have a powerful counter argument! Ahaha! And as for all of you, my little pantry, remember: if you can’t stand the eat, stay out of my bedroom! Ahaha!”