It was a picturesque day in ~~Ponyville~~ Laumupo. The sun was shining, the rivers were gurgling, and all the happy little peasant ponies toiled away at their terraced rice farms.
A white unicorn mare, wearing a large black surcoat and matching futou hat, trod into the middle of the village. She stared into the sky, as if focused on an enrapturing cloud that wasn’t there. The dirty peasants continued their daily lives around her, shoveling manure and moving rice and all sorts of other things peasants. did.
Suddenly, the mare lurched and she began to speak, addressing the empty point in the sky. “My name is ~~Rarity~~ Yang. I am a Ming era civil servant. My parents were civil servants, and so were their parents. When I was old enough, I took an exam that tested my proficiency in Confucian philosophy. I passed, and the emperor sent me to this village to be his tax collector. I am humble and loyal to our heavenly emperor.”
She turned and pointed to the far away capital, ~~Canterlot~~ Beijing , perched ~~literally~~ metaphorically above the village on it’s mountain. The emperor Celestia, standing on the tallest tower, gave a little wave. “Hello.”
“Unfortunately, my heavenly emperor isn’t paying me very much.” Rarity frowned exaggeratedly. “And I don’t have a way to supplement my income since trade is for filthy commoners.”
Up on her tower, Celestia shrugged. “Hey, times are tough.”
Into the middle of the village strode a second pony, an orange earth pony. She was well dressed, with a richly embroidered tunic with a loose fitting Zhidou robe over it, and a putou hat. She trotted to Rarity’s side and stared up at the same intangible audience. “Hey y’all. It’s your lovable local land magnate, ~~Applejack~~ Feng.” She turned to Rarity. “Say, Yang, I noticed y’all don’t got a lotta cash right now.”
“That’s true Feng. The emperor’s new salary is simply intolerable!”
“Seein as we’re such good friends, how about I help you out a bit.” Applejack posed. “I’d just need you to scratch my back too, ifin you get my gist.”
Rarity’s cheeks turned bright red. “But Feng, that’s illegal! How could I go against my divine emperor and deny him his due?”
“That’s my boy!” Celestia cheered in the distance. “For your loyalty, I won’t tax your land!”
“Although…” Rarity leaned in. “If I were to be that kind of man, I could hide your estates under my untaxable land.”
“Ah heck, sophisticated tax evasion.” Celestia pouted.
“It’s a deal!” Applejack passed Rarity a bag of ~~bits~~ bronze hung-wu coins, and they went their separate ways.
Up on her mountain, Celestia was nibbling the edges of her flowing mainfu robe pensively. “Well that went all wrong. Now I have even less money than before I cut costs. How do I solve this conundrum?”
With strong, confident strides, another pony took Rarity and Applejack’s place in the middle of town. She was a blue pegasus, wearing the same surcoat and hat as Rarity, but in red. “What’s up! I’m ~~Rainbow Dash~~ Li, eunuch and super devoted servant of the emperor!”
“She don’t got no balls!” Celestia contributed enthusiastically.
“Those civil servants are pansy asses. We eunuchs are the real deal, and we know how to get you your cash now! That’s right, your cash now!” Dash pranced in place eagerly. “Our glorious emperor owns all the mines and forests in the empire, but those lameo loggers and miners aren’t ponying up the cash! I’m gunna kick the piss out of them and take what rightfully belongs to the emperor!”
Celestia hesitated. “Now wait a sec-”
But it was too late. Dash had already pounced on a passing peasant and was poking him mercilessly with a stick. “This is unpleasant.” The peasant whined. “Peasant no like.”
“Ah heck, civil discontent.” Celestia groaned. “And it’s really not that much money anyway. Still, something’s better than nothing.”
Rarity, pockets weighed down with bits, shouted from the sidelines. “What uncouth ruffians these eunuchs are! What kind of emperor would employ these brutes?!”
“Oh yeah?” Dash stopped poking the peasant to puff out her chest. “Civil servants suck!”
Rarity scoffed. “Au contraire, my friend. I wrote a confucian poem immortalizing your mother saying otherwise!”
“OoooOOOoooH!” Applejack played hype man from behind her. “You tell em Yang!”
“Eunuchs ride hard, bitches. You can’t handle our swagger.” Dash strutted around the village square. “No balls don’t mean no attitude!”
“What about no penis?” Rarity interjected.
“W- What?” Dash faltered. “No penis either?”
“She don’t got no dick.” Applejack hung her head in memoriam of the lost gonads.
“Ah heck, factional infighting.” Celestia ran a hoof down her face. “And now I’m not even getting that money from the eunuchs anymore!”
Ignoring the drama in the provinces, Celestia began pacing the length of the tower, ruminating. “Why is my empire even using so much money? There has to be a good reason.”
“Hi dad!” A blue alicorn, swathed in a silk shenyi robe and with her mane done up in a zi topknot, emerged onto the tower. She pivoted to fixate on the empty patch of sky. “Oh and hello everyone else. I’m ~~Luna~~ the Crown Prince! You obviously know all about such an influential man as I.” She turned back to Celestia. “Dad, I want more concubines!”
“More concubines?” Celestia queried. Even as she asked it, a dozen mares in hanfu and dolled up with white face paint emerged behind from Luna and fluttered their lashes lavaciously. “But you have so many already! I think you even took a few of mine too.”
“But I want more! I’m the prince of the most powerful emperor in the world and I always get what I want!” Luna tantrumed, stomping up and down. “I also want ten court painters so someone can be capturing my sexy countenance at all times, and twenty minstrels to sing my praises to all the concubines I haven’t met yet.”
“I think those are just called women.”
“Same difference.” Luna sputtered. “They must know how opposite a eunuch I am!”
“Ah heck, burgeoning court costs and decadence.” Celestia gnawed her lower lip. She started muttering to herself. “There’s no way the empire can pay for all of that.”
After a moment of contemplation, Celestia faced Luna. “My son, I’m afraid I’m going to have to draw the line here. You only get five court painters and eight point five minstrels.”
Luna’s eyes flashed with anger. She pushed her flirtatious concubines aside and got all up in Celestia’s grill. “Do you know what this means?” She growled.
“Economic stabilization, hopefully.” Celestia said.
“No, father, this is war!” Luna roared. “You’ve been emperor long enough. It’s totally my turn!”
With that epic declaration, Luna turned and stormed away, concubines in tow. Celestia watched Luna walk all the way to Ponyville, where she planted a sign with the words “REBELLION: ACCEPTING DISGRUNTLED PEONS NOW”.
“Ah heck, dynastic instability.” Celestia sighed. She watched Luna begin poking passers-by with a stick. “She may be ravaging the countryside but at least I don’t have to support her anymore.”
“Hey! Hey emperor! Hey! Hey!” Celestia’s ear perked at somepony calling to her. “Hey down here!” Celestia looked down to see a pink earth pony in lamellar armor waving to her. “Heeeeeeeyy!”
“Oh thank goodness, somepony proactive!” Celestia said exuberantly. “Who are you?”
“Me?” The pink pony cocked her head. “I’m ~~Pinkie Pie~~ Qian, and I’m the most talented and ruthless general in the empire.”
“I’m so happy to hear that.” Celestia said, her enthusiasm dwindling as she remembered a very important point. “Well, Qian, the empire doesn’t have any money right now. Literally zip.”
“That’s okay. If you give me and my troops” Pinkie Pie gestured to the bucket full of turnips and a bag of flour at her feet. “enough land to live off of, and I’m sure we could take care of your rebellion no problemo.”
“Deal!” Celestia clopped her hooves joyously. “You can have that patch of sod over there.”
Pinkie Pie carried her troops over to the patch of sod Celestia indicated. “Hmmmm…” The great pink general hummed to herself as she circled around the square of grass. “Hmmmm… yes… interesting....”
“Uh, when are you going to get around to putting down the rebellion and killing my son?” Celestia said with a hint of impatience.
“Oh!” Pinkie looked back up at Celestia. “Now that we have land and families, we don’t really feel light fighting anymore.”
“Aw heck, a decayed weisou system.” Celestia buried her face in her hooves. “The middle kingdom is defenseless! Fortunately the rebellion doesn’t seem so bad right-” She looked down at how Luna was doing. The decadent mare now had five ponies standing with her poking passers-by with sticks. Rarity and Dash’s diss battle was still raging in the town square. “Okay, so everything is pretty bad right now, but the Ming empire will persist, as we always have.”
A cold breeze swept over the tower, giving Celestia a chill. Carried on the whispering wind was a single word. “Ahem”
“Huh? Celestia looked northward. “Who’s there?”
A solitary figure stood on a snowcapped hill. She was a unicorn, purple of color, draped in hardened leather and fur armor. Her mane was woven into a braid. In her hoof she held a compound bow and on her back was a quiver full of arrows.
She spoke slowly and menacingly. “Behold I am ~~Twilight Sparkle~~ Nurhaci, of the Manchu. I was born in the saddle and have known war my whole life. My initiation into adulthood was the taking of a hundred scalps of my enemies.” She strung up her bow. “The Ming have grown bloated and wasteful, and no longer possess the fighting spirit of their ancestors. They can not even suppress small rebellion. We shall strike while the iron is hot, and they will fall like so many blades of grass under the hooves of our steeds.”
“Aw heck, nomad raiders!” Celestia squeaked. “Quick raise the armies!” She looked over to Pinkie Pie, who had swapped out her armor for a tunic and a straw hat, was very carefully tending over her patch of grass. The bag of flour had an arrow protruding from it. “Well that’s not great. Can anypony else do something?”
“No.” Everypony below chorused. Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash all had arrows stuck in their hats. Luna’s topknot was similarly penetrated.
“Aw heck, symbolic loss of the mandate of heaven.” Celestia hung her head, accepting her fate. She felt the heat drain away from the stone beneath her hooves, as the clop of the approaching conqueror grew louder. “Where did it all go wrong?”
“Complacency.” Twilight intoned. “No great empire was grown out of stagnation. It is through constant struggle and turmoil that great civilizations rise.” She notched an arrow in bow and drew it back. “Any last words?”
“How about ‘Bleh, I am dead!’” Celestia toppled over and stuck her legs straight out like a goat.
“A worthy triumph. I have brought great honor to my clan.” Twilight Sparkle trotted to the edge of the tower and surveyed her new domain. Purple wings popped into existence on her sides. “I suppose that means I am the emperor now. My descendants shall be the Qing, the new rulers of the middle kingdom. Let their integrity be as great as mine.” She allowed herself a narrow smile. “Now, bring out the concubines!”
Author's Note
And there was also some business with repeated harvest failures and malthusian collapse, but that's just fussing the details if you ask me.
