Oh...I didn’t see you enter. You’re just in time; I’m about to tell an exciting story about a teenager named Eddie and his five allies.
Y'know, when Eddie first came to Equestria, he hated the shit out of this place. The nonstop parties, all the monster attacks, Rarity and her frivolous fashion problems--if only Celestia would pull her head out of her ass and solve the problems herself instead of sending those stupid hacks, the Mane Six, to solve every problem for her. But alas, even in a place where magic is real, we can’t all hope for miracles, now can we?
Not much difference between then and now, except he had made a few enemies here. But just when Eddie started to believe that he was truly alone in this new world, four strange characters fell outta the sky and landed right in front of him.
That’s when young Eddie knew he was no longer alone, for now he had five new comrades:
-Alex Bennett, an impractical young soldier who says what he means, regardless of anyone’s feelings; he is able to transform into Buzz Bunny.
-Chuck, a gruff young sauropod who had been living through a seemingly endless war between the Dinosaurs, who teamed up with the Neanderthals in order to fight the Homo sapiens (in an
alternate dimension); he is able to transform into Quantum Quack.
-Rodney, a snarky young Brontosaurus--and Chuck’s ‘cousin’ with a dry, sarcastic sense of humor; he is able to transform into Spaz Tasmanian.
-Danny, a fast-moving, fast-talking young man who talks faster than he thinks; he is able to transform into Slick E. Coyote.
-Rev Roadster, Eddie’s super-secret alter-ego whom Eddie is able to transform into.
Despite their wildly contrasting personalities, they realized that they had plenty in common. For starters, none of them really liked the Mane Six, and they all agreed that Celestia could actually do something about the problems instead of sending those six to solve them every single bloody time.
It had been five years since these fearsome five had landed here, and during that time they were trained in how to control their abilities by a cryptic hedgehog known only as ‘Nazo’. In order to prepare for the reclaiming of the other side of planet Equus, the Mane 6 had ventured off to find more allies.
Elsewhere, Rodney and Eddie were fishing...though the former was enjoying himself more than the latter.
“Man, this is BORING!! Now I get why my old man never took me fishing without bringing a six-pack of Coors Lite,” Eddie grumbled, running his hand through his wild orange hair.
“Your dad took you fishing?” asked Rodney.
“Well, sure; didn’t yours?” Eddie asked back.
“Well, when most of your species is in a war against Homo sapiens, it’s a little difficult to actually spend time fishing with your dad.” Rodney replied.
“Hmm...good point.”
“Though it is pretty quiet out here, huh?”
“Yeah. It’s super-calming.”
And so, the fishing continued. And, of course, their results were fruitless; at last, even Rodney tired of all the ‘peace-and-quiet’ gobbledygook.
“All right; we aren’t getting so much as a bloody nibble, so when the going gets this tough, you know it’s time to throw in the sack.” he decided.
For once, Eddie agreed.
Then, Rodney took out two skateboard-like devices and pressed a button on their undersides. In a matter of seconds, the ‘skateboards’ transformed into two hoverboards, like in Back to the Future: Parts 2 & 3 !!
“Race you back?” asked the bronto-stegosaurus.
“Hell yes, man!!” came the teenager’s excited reply.
They then hopped on their boards and rode them back to Canterlot, like two sky-surfers braving a deadly air wave...made of POISON!!!
Boy, would these babies make Dash’s head spin, or what?
As they arrived, the Two Royal Sisters were waiting at the base, stern looks plastered on their muzzles.
“Wow; I haven’t known anyone this annoyed since I had that weird dream where I had a battle with Pinkie,” Eddie said, as the screen began to get all wiggly and ripple-y….
A few weeks ago….
Rev Roadster, robed in Saiyan battle armor, stood across from Pinkie, who was dressed in ‘Turtle School’ uniform; both of them were out in the Badlands.
“Well, this is it!” Pinkie smiled, and Rev couldn’t help but chuckle condescendingly.
“Ah, yes. A perfect place to mark your grave,”
“Listen. We don’t have to do this, you know. If you leave now and promise to never come back, I’ll let you go. And we can stop this meaningless bloodshed.” the party pony said.
“Such hackneyed nonsense!! Where’s your Saiyan pride, Kakarot? We are proud warriors, bred to fight and conquer. This planet has made you soft.” Rev continued, playing up his role.
“Are you sure about this?” Pinkie asked. “‘Cause even if you’re a little sorry--”
“GODDAMMIT, NO, I’M NOT SORRY!!!” screamed Rev, losing his temper and going into ‘Cartman’ territory.
“Are you absolutely sure you-”
“YES!! I AM ENTIRELY FRIGGING SURE!! I’M GONNA DESTROY YOU AND THE REST OF THIS GAY HIPPIE PLANET, WITH MY OWN TWO HA-”
Pinkie suddenly yelled, “KAIO-KEN!”
Then, Rev got confused. “Kaio-wha--” he started before she beat him around a few times, until he countered with a swift kick in the face.
“Okay, *huff, huff…* not bad,” Rev said, baffled. “But still nothing compared to me. Now witness the power of a Saiyan elite!”
“Elite? What’s that mean?”
“It means I’m of the upper class. A finer breed! The highest grade of warrior, so you gotta RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!”
The blank stare he received made it obvious that his message hadn’t gotten through to the hyperactive mare.
“Okay, consider yourself beef jerky, while I’m filet mignon.” he explained.
“Oooh! I like both those things!” Pinkie said, her eyes growing bright.
“I’m going to start beating you now. I don’t know when I’ll stop.” said Rev in a deadpan tone.
“Hopefully before dinner. Because I told Gummy to tell Rarity that- AH!!” Pinkie was quickly cut off by an oncoming punch to the face.
“Haw-haw! What’s wrong, Kakarot; can’t keep up? Awww...TOO STINKIN’ BAD!! I told you, Kakarot: there’s no way you can measure up to an elite like me! You’re fighting a losing battle here! You might as well just surrender this crappy planet now and--” Rev gloated, before Pinkie yelled: “KAIO-KEN TIMES THREE!!!”
“Son of a motherfu--” Rev grumbled, before he got smashed straight into a cliff.
“Uuuuggggh….” Rev grunted from inside the cave. “This. Proves. NOTHING.”
“Are you okay in there?” Pinkie asked, with a hint of concern.
“Oh, yeah. I’m fan-fucking-tastic,” The irritated voice deadpanned from inside the cave. “Nothing but gumdrops and ice cream in here.”
“Oh! Really?” Pinkie gasped, excitedly. “Can I come in, too?!”
“I’m surrounded by idiots.”
“I thought you were surrounded by gumdrops and ice cream.”
What followed next was an annoyed yell which escalated into an angry scream which escalated into Rev, bursting out of the cliff by making it FUCKING EXPLODE.
“I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED BY SOME LOW-CLASS NINCOMPOOP!!!” he growled.
“Aww, sounds like somepony’s got an ice cream headache!” Pinkie snorted.
“THAT’S IT! EVERYONE DIES!” Rev screamed in anger. “SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR PLANET, KAKAROTTO!!”
“Well, that’s not very nice!”
“OF COURSE IT’S NOT NICE! I’M FUCKING EVIL, GODDAMMIT!! GALICK GUN…”
“Oooh! Did he say garlic--uh-oh!! But nopony plays party pooper at a PINKIE PARTY!! KA… ME… HA… ME…”
“….FIIIIIIIREEEE!” screamed Rev as he launched his energy blast.
“….HAAAAAAAA!”
“This is the end, Kakarot! You don’t stand a chance! I put all my power into this attack! Now DIE. SCUM, with the rest of your pathetic world!!!”
“...Kaio-ken…”
“Wait a minute …”
“...Times…”
“...oh, you gotta be shitting me…”
“...FOOOOUUURRR!”
“No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no- SON OF A BIIIIIIIIII…”
By the time it was done, Rev had been sent rocketing through the stratosphere and was about to exit Equus’ atmosphere. Luckily, he managed to struggle out of the blast’s path just in time.
The shit really hit the fan after that. But that is another story.
“Heh, heh...that was a great day,” chuckled Eddie to himself. “I mean, it really did hurt, but still, I had fun!!”
The sisters, needless to say, were not amused in the least.
“Wow, what a terrific audience.” Rodney said, imitating South Park character Jimmy Valmer-Swanson.
“In case you haven’t noticed,” Celestia snapped, pointing towards a viewing screen. “Twilight and her friends have been ambushed by Chang and his subordinates!!”
“And...that’s my problem how, exactly?” asked Eddie. “They made the mistake of challenging Chang, so now they can pay for it. The cost? One life per pony.”
“It’s your problem because Chang is your rival. So we say, DO SOMETHING!!” Luna yelled in the R.C.V. (Royal Canterlot Voice), which almost made Rodney & Eddie deaf.
“Okay, okay. GOD!!” Eddie snapped, transforming into Rev Roadster. “By the way, you two are complete and utter bitches.”
Luna shot a shit-eating grin back at him. “We know.”
And that’s how Rev and Rodney ended up piloting a giant battle mech with Chuck, Danny, and Alex. I could waste time by telling you what the mech looked like, but there will be time for that later.
