The Dream Quest of Unknown Equestria

by Lobstercraft

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6
Length: 7444

A normal boy has visions of ponies and undertakes an epic journey to reach them.

Dual: Parallel Pony Adventure! Phillip Tranter is an ordinary student with an exciting variant of schizophrenia: he sees ponies! But a professor and fan of his blog thinks these are more than dreams. Phillip sets out on the ultimate adventure, risking everything to find that holy place where humans simply aren't allowed. What would you do to see Equestria? Defying the gods is only the first step! I hope you didn't plan on using your soul or being alive.

Published 2012-06-04 18:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-23 01:49:58 UTC

Prologue

MLH
Dual: Parallel Pony Adventure

As is often the case in dreams, the traveler forgot what he was doing. For what purpose did he come to Hatheg across the river Skai? Did he intend to climb, madly, to the forbidden peak? As once did Barzai the Wise so many centuries ago? He was inclined to madly do things….

So he embarked to explore the stupidest possibility. Halfway up the treacherous peak he remembered he was heading to Ulthar, to see the many cats. He simply took a wrong turn. Believing it was now too late, he was determined to do the impossible.

“I will risk my very soul to say I did!” he shouted to the heavens. Scared, now that he said it out loud, he changed his mind.

Slowly he began climbing back down. “I take it back! Do you hear me!!!!???? I AM A LIAR AND A COWARD!!!” he shouted to the cloud covered peaks. Embarrassed and ashamed, now that he said it out loud, he began his ascent once more.

Realizing the danger but not wanting to make an ass out of himself, he climbed and climbed. He prayed to Nodens, Lord of the Great Abyss, that his manliness might be recognized and assistance be given should anything actually be up there.

Before he could reach the summit the night came; and with it, Nightguants. As their membranous wings make no sound, the traveler only knew them by their rubbery black hands that grabbed at him as they flew off into the night. The sudden sensation of flying, in darkness, is the same as falling. It wasn’t until they reached clearer skies that he saw their black, faceless forms against the stars and realized falling is fine, too.

“IS THIS A GOOD THING?” he shouted to his captors. Sensing his fear, they tickled him viciously with their barbed tails.

At length they dropped him into a giant crevasse. In the dark gulfs below he was caught by more fucking Nightgaunts, who continued his journey towards wherever. It was in that darkness that he remembered for what purpose he’d come so far.

Our Story Begins

First Chapter: Our Story Begins

His story began when he was born, but nobody cares about that. Our story begins in his senior year of high school. Though he was smart, our absent-minded protagonist had poor grades due to that absent-mindedness and, perhaps more importantly, his unique distraction. He kept a blog, you see, the subject of which was what he believed to be a rather exciting variant of schizophrenia. He was afflicted with visions... visions of ponies. Our hero’s name was, ironically, Phillip.

Phillip had a modest but devoted following. His blog was filled with writings and sketches of what he saw and he was confident it was entertaining. But he had one fan who wasn’t like the others: Professor Horsechestershire Sauce. The Professor would send long rants about all kinds of gobbledy gook that made no sense to Phillip. They sounded like the fantasies of a deranged mind...more deranged than Phillip, I mean. He was easy to dismiss.

One day a beautiful girl walked up to Phillip. They were on the catwalk connecting two of the buildings that comprised the school, and Phillip seemed to be off in lala-land hallucinating ponies again.

“Do you see them?” she asked. Phillip looked rather freaked out by whatever he saw, which was ‘dragons’, but he also looked confused as he never spoke to this girl before. “The ponies? Do you see them now?”

“No…” he said carefully, “…but… how did you know about that?”

“My father is a fan of your blog,” the girl explained, “He’s also a professor at Miskatonic University. He’d like to meet you.”

“What?” the boy was totally distracted.

The girl tried a different tactic. “Would you like to walk me to school tomorrow?”

“Walk you?” he replied, looking back to the beauty. A hot chick asking him to walk her to school?

“Okay,” he replied. “Sorry about me freaking out right now, but I’m going to run away. See ya tomorrow!” he smiled before running down the hall.

Later that day he made sure to get her address, and the next morning he arrived early to pick her up. She lived in a mansion, which Phillip thought was pretty cool. When he buzzed the gate she told him to come inside. Before long he was strapped to a chair in the basement with a crazed middle-aged man laughing maniacally as the pretty girl stood by a strange machine.

“It is I, Professor Horsechestershire!” the man cackled.

“His name is Professor Yates,” the girl informed Phillip. She seemed annoyed.

“I AM in a SAW sequel or something,” Phillip replied frantically.

“No!” said the professor, “You are perfectly safe my fine friend! Don’t you remember what I wrote you?”

“I don’t…. knoooooow,” Phillip whined. “You are crazy and now ya got me tied up in yer basement. How am I safe?”

“Phillip,” the professor spoke like an impression of William Shatner in that old Twilight Zone episode, “You are not insane.”

“That makes two of us,” Phillip said sarcastically.

“You don’t understand I’m a family man!” the professor shouted to the ceiling. Phillip noticed this guy moved his arms a lot when he talked. “Phillip Tranter! Does your family have a history of sleep disorders???”

“Uh…” Phillip tried breaking the straps. “Yeah. Why?”

“Excellent!” laughed Professor Yates as he placed nodes and stuff on Phillip’s head.

“Hey…” Phillip was getting increasingly worried, “W-what’s that machine you’re calibrating?”

“I’m just going to do a series of tests!” the man explained, “No need to be alarmed! In fact, it’s important that you remain calm.”

Phillip laughed nervously with his mouth closed. You ever do that? If not try it, it sounds funny. Do it. Laugh with your mouth closed. Okay I guess it’s not that funny.

“Try concentrating on the archaic runes and formulas scribbled all over my basement walls, floor, and ceiling,” suggested Yates.

“Yeah that helps,” replied Phillip.

“Quit being such a smartass,” spoke the pretty girl. “It’s not very attractive.”

Phillip asked, “Did you notice your dad has a guy tied up in his basement?”

“Ehhhh, I’m just going to sedate you,” declared the professor as he stuck the boy with a syringe. Phillip went out like a kid with a bike and a bad family situation who wants to be anywhere but home. Hmmm… There’s something wrong with that analogy… I think it’s the sadness. Yes, it’s definitely the sadness. Instead, let’s say he went out like a light. Yes, a tried and true analogy.

Where he stood a sense of nostalgia washed over Phillip. He felt there should be a forest, and he could smell the scent of grass lingering in the air. But it was dark and stone and still. Behind him was a greater darkness and faint sounds of the familiar. Ahead was a large stairwell lit sparsely with parallel lights, possibly torches. He didn’t feel this was unusual; however he noticed his calmness and wondered if he was dreaming. He hadn’t had a dream in years that he could remember. He also didn’t remember being restrained in a basement. At length, he descended the seventy-seven steps.

At the base he noticed two strangely garbed old men, and that it wasn’t the base at all. The stairs seem to descend forever. The old men bowed cordially.

“Hello,” greeted Phillip.

“Greetings traveler,” said one of the old men, “We are the priests Nasht and Kaman-Thah.”

“My name is Phillip Tranter,” replied Phillip, “…I don’t know where I am.”

Kaman-Thah motioned his arm to the steps below, “These are the seven hundred steps that lead to the Gate of Deeper Slumber.”

“Have you never been here before?” asked Nasht.

“I don’t really know.”

“Are you looking for something?” asked Kaman-Thah.

“I don’t know.”

“You should not continue without the resolve of purpose,” Nasht spoke with wisdom and concern.

“However,” added Kaman-Thah,”we will not stop you.”

Phillip stopped to try and think. Above was the mundane and familiar of his waking life. It wasn’t a bad life; he had many friends and girls liked him well enough. Everything was pretty good for Phillip considering all factors. Still… He wanted more.

“What’s down there?” he asked.

“The amalgamation of many things,” answered Nasht, “Strange and wondrous.”

“Terrible things,” added Kaman-Thah.

“Things both of man and otherwise,” continued Nasht.

Phillip steeled himself and declared, “I would like to see it.”

“You would risk mortal coil and soul alike?” asked Kaman-Thah.

“I’ll stay out of trouble,” Phillip smiled nervously.

As though a warning in itself Kaman-Thah reiterated, “We will not stop you.”

Nasht held out his hand and said, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this.”

“You’re just gesturing,” Phillip replied with an arched eyebrow.

“Pay attention you fool!” Kaman-Thah slapped Phillip on the head and pointed to Nasht’s hand, which was making a very specific gesture.

“The Elder Sign,” explained Nasht, “There could be times where it may keep you safe.”

“Alright…” Phillip mirrored the gesture and tried to remember it.

“Good luck, traveler.” Nasht nodded with a smile. “I hope you find your dream.”

And so Phillip began his descent. And as time passed he began to recall the nights of his youth spent chasing zoogs and fishing on the river Skai. He had been here before… a long time ago.

The Dream Quest of Unknown Equestria

Second Chapter: The Dream Quest of Unknown Equestria

Many days passed in the Dreamlands as Phillip became reacquainted with the place. But, as is often the case in dreams, the traveler forgot what he was doing. He was abducted by Nightgaunts and dropped into the great abyss before he remembered he was locked in a crazy guy’s basement. Phillip focused as he strained to wake up. And he did!

“BLAAAHH!!!” Phillip shouted awake.

“Great Scott!” exclaimed Professor Yates.

“Holy shit!” Phillip tried shaking the adrenaline off.

“Quick!” Yates shook Phillip, “You must tell me what happened!”

“How long was I out??!” Phillip panicked, “And what’d you do to me!!?”

“You were asleep for five hours and twenty-seven minutes!” Yates replied, “What did you see!? Did you DREAM!?”

“Y… yeah.” Phillip recalled his fun but for the most part unexciting adventure. “I was in a place that I… I had a dream I used to have as a kid.”

“Eureka!” Yates danced about, “I knew it! Phillip! The ponies are REAL!!!”

“Huh?” Phillip looked around as he tried freeing himself again.

“They exist in the Dreamlands! It’s your untreated sleep disorder! You’re half asleep when you’re awake and half awake when you’re asleep! And you, Phillip, are a dreamer! And a powerful one! In the ranks of Randolph Carter and King Kuranes even! You’ve just now finally REALLY been able to fall asleep! That’s how you were able to return! Where did you go Phillip???? Tell me the names of the places you’ve visited!” Yates shouted as he shoved his face and bulging eyes about four inches in front of Phillip’s.

“Uhhhh…” Phillip was still worried, but getting used to the situation and his excitable stalker/captor. “I pretty much stayed around the river Skai near the Enchanted Wood.”

“DAMNIT!!!” Yates screamed in his face, which scared Phillip. “I have charts of that region! Unknown Equestria can’t be anywhere near there!!”

“Equestria?” asked Phillip.

“Equestria! The homeland of the talking ponies!” Yates explained, “The source of your visions!”

“Assuming we’re sane, how do you know all this stuff?” asked Phillip.

“That’s a big assumption,” smiled Yates’s daughter, who was sitting at a table playing Sudoku and drinking orange juice.

“My grandfather was a friend of a friend of a powerful dreamer! I have his notes, you see. It was King Kuranes himself who told Captain Merritt of Equestria!” Yates sat on the floor in front of Phillip and seemed to calm down. “Mysterious, unknown Equestria… A peaceful world where mankind is forbidden and unable to tread… a more gentle world…” the professor seemed saddened as he continued to speak, “King Kuranes is the only dreamer to my knowledge who has ever travelled to the dreamlands of other worlds and come back sane… Perhaps Equestria is beyond that maddening gulf… beyond our reach.”

“Maybe,” replied Phillip.

“But you!” Yates jumped up, shaking a finger at Phillip, “You’ve seen it! You’ve seen the creatures King Kuranes described!”

“... and that means?” Phillip asked worriedly.

“It means you’ve gotten close somehow!” Yates seemed to panic a bit, “You-you have to be! How else-why else would you see it?” The professor paced back and forth frantically. “Equestria is protected from our kind… Impossible to find… But YOU! You have been allowed to see it! Or you slipped by their notice somehow!!...”

“Their?” Phillip wondered who he meant.

“The Hidden Gods of the Earth,” answered Professor Yates. “And no man can defy their will… almost…”

“So somebody did?”

“Once… a man named Randolph Carter. He risked his soul to find them at their home and demand his dream back… But I’m not certain as to what happened to him. He disappeared, you see. But!! You have the advantage here! Somehow! Something slipped, someone messed up, or maybe they want you to see it! Maybe you are SUPPOSED to GO there!!”

“Is that how that king guy got there?” asked Phillip. “They let him?”

“Yes, he was invited. But King Kuranes is certainly the most powerful dreamer humanity has ever produced. It isn’t strange that he was allowed to go, when you put it in context.”

“Maybe I’m super powerful too,” smiled Phillip.

“Don’t go getting cocky when you don’t even know anything,” spoke the beautiful girl.

“I’m not gonna walk you to school if you keep it up with the sass," replied Phillip. She laughed at this. The professor got incredibly serious. He hit a button on the side of Phillip’s chair that released his arms. Phillip just sat there rubbing his wrists.

The professor handed him a bottle of pills. “To help you sleep,” he explained.

Phillip looked at the bottle and back to Yates.

“You act tough and sarcastic now, but I read your blog. I know how you really feel,” the professor spoke much quieter now. “I’ve always wanted to see the dreamlands, but mine are normal dreams. I don’t have access like you do. I can’t make you do this… but then again I know I don’t have to. But please… if you make it back… write about it for me.”

Phillip stood up and slowly walked to the stairs… “Yeah… Yeah, I will.”

One Thousand Years

Third Chapter: One Thousand Years

In the port city of Dylath-Leen, Phillip sought directions and a ship that might take him to Unknown Equestria. But alas, that shit’s unknown so nobody knew. He was referred to the mysterious traders of the three-banked black galleys. Nobody liked those guys, they were too suspicious. Though they’d be in port for several days, no rowers would ever be seen, and their hats set strangely on their domes. Still, such rubies as they traded could be found nowhere else, so the slavers reluctantly did business with them.

Phillip asked one called Chabyu if he’d heard of Unknown Equestria, and he said sure and that they’d give him a ride for a price. Phillip gave him a bag of dead zoogs that had tried to eat a kitten in the enchanted wood. The payment was accepted and Phillip was chained up and put with the slaves.

The eyeless shape-morphing globular toad-things that rowed the boat were pretty fucking horrifying. And Phillip thought it was pretty racist he was the only white guy down there, but as the days passed he really just wanted to escape. The ship sailed toward the place where the ocean bleeds into the sky, and inevitably arrived at the moon.

“Unknown Equestria will stay unknown,” his captor informed him. He was put to work in the stone quarry, where he was the weakest slave. Feeling he was decreasing productivity, they moved him out. He worked for some awful moon-toad, cleaning its house. The creature responded to his politeness, and faked Stockholm syndrome, by falling in love with him. It assumed the form of a beautiful-ish frog-monster woman and put the moves on. But alas, Philip’s only wish was to find Unknown Equestria.

The moon-beast realized their love was not to be, and instead helped him escape to the tower where many secrets were kept. In the cyclopean castle he was mistaken for a butler, and was issued a new suit after a clever lie about the old one’s loss. In the library of the great onyx tower he searched through many books but couldn’t read any that he found. Then, as fate would have it, another entered the library.

Scared, Phillip hid hurriedly. Was it a moon-beast, just a slave… or worse? Phillip remembered of the many times he’d heard of it in nervous whispers; that most malevolent of beings, the darkest one, the Crawling Chaos incarnate… Its name too dreaded to say.

But no, it was indeed a slave. However it wasn’t alone. He overheard a booming voice giving orders in the royal ‘we’. Upon cautious inspection it appeared to be a wicked mare of darkness.

“A pony!” he thought excitedly. Unsure of what would happen, he stepped out into the open and bowed respectfully. “Please excuse me!”

Taken aback, the pony scolded him for his outburst, and he declared that he was no slave but a guest of a turbaned fellow called Chabyu. Having sold out his captor, if he died he had that at least. The pony asked him why he sought Equestria and how he learned of it at all.

“I have heard from the grandson of a friend of a friend of Captain Merritt who heard the tale of Equestria from King Kuranes,” Phillip explained rather pleadingly, “I have heard that it is forbidden for humans to visit, but I myself have seen visions of it. I don’t know how or why, but I have seen it. I’ve been long traveling and faced many dangers to find it, as I’m sure others have, but my intentions are pure I swear to you.”

“Impossible. You will never step foot in Equestria,” declared the dark pony.

“Why must it be kept a secret? Why does no man know of Equestria’s location?” asked Phillip.

“You humans are too violent and warlike! We could never trust you with the knowledge of our peaceful home!” she declared, “You shall never leave this place, lest you speak of these secrets!”

“I am peaceful. I am kind. I can keep a secret I give you my word.” Phillip tried reasoning.

“You are a human, therefore violent. We cannot trust you.”

“But my name is Phillip!” he pleaded, “It means, ‘lover of horses’!”

The mare was stunned by this momentarily before remembering that names meant not to humans as they did to ponies. “Inconsequential!” she said in a deafening tone.

“You would judge me like that?” the human declared teary eyed, “We may be a violent race, but I have only used my violence for good! The most I’ve ever killed were some zoogs conspiring to kill a kitten! I’d never kill something that wasn’t going to kill something else! I am a good guy I swear. How can I prove myself to you?”

OTY2

With an air of righteousness contradictory to its appearance, the dark pony stamped the ground in front of Phillip, leaning in and inquiring, “And WHY is it you wish to find Equestria!?”

For a moment he stood frozen in place. Then his shoulders sank in defeat and after a briefer pause he said, “That’s a good question.”

“…to have what you cannot, what you should not. Your desperation betrays your ambition. As a race you lack the ability of contentment; always seeking, conquering, destroying the works of others. You may have clawed your way to dominance in the waking world, or think you have, but you will never have Equestria.”

“Then why have I been given these visions?” asked the human.

“We can only assume it was a fluke of some sort, a cosmic accident; or perhaps of some more sinister design. What were your visions of, precisely?”

“Just ponies…” he answered, “…hangin’ out and stuff.”

“Strange.” She rubbed her chin with a hoof. “But an accident, we’re certain. There are things man was not meant to know. Equestria is one of them. And now, as we’ve said, you know too much.”

“Oooof course,” Phillip sighed. “Racist.”

“What?” the pony raised an eyebrow.

“Because most of us are bad all of us are bad?” Phillip got his sass back on, pointing his finger accusingly and approaching the mare, “And what’s up with the moon-toads’ slaves? And why was I the only WHITE GUY on the ship!?”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO US IN THIS FASHION!” she belted back in the Royal Caps-Lock. She leaned in to put him in retreat, “As a princess I was meant to rule! Your color matters not! You think because your flesh is light you are better than your darker brethren!? YOU are the racist!”

“Wha!? That’s the exact opposite of the point I was trying to make!” Phillip retorted, leaning in. “You are one mixed-up moon-horse!”

“I AM A PONY!” she declared as energy formed around her horn. Phillip bolted around the bookcases and the library got all kinds of blown up as she tried zapping him.

“THINK OF THE POOR BOOKS!” Phillip cried.

“Face us coward!” she demanded, looking about for him.

“Quit being so violent!” he retorted. He heard her release quite the war-cry as a horn pierced forth from a book next to his head. “!!!!!!” Phillip once more began running as quietly as possible.

“Curse your race’s inherent combat expertise!”

“Lul,” Phillip chuckled to himself as he tried not to die. After he felt he was hidden far enough away he asked, “I don’t suppose it’s too late to call for a truce?!”

“You must be joking!” she snickered darkly.

“I was being a dick,” said Phillip, “I’m sorry.”

"Hahahaha! You ARE joking!” she blasted a bookcase near him to pieces.

“NOPE-NOPE-NOPE! TOTALLY SERIOUS! I’M REALLY-REALLY SORRY!” He pleaded desperately as he began running once more. He saw a cat on a nearby window motioning towards him.

“Come quickly, traveler,” said the cat. “Jump out this window.”

As psychotic as the invitation was he accepted it; shouting before he leaped, “I MAINTAIN TO MY DYING BREATH THAT I WAS A FRIEND TO PONYKIND!”

He was caught by a wave of cats which carried him to the earth below. After catching his breath and regaining his composure, Phillip said, “Thank you.”

“You saved one of ours from the zoogs. We saved you in return,” said an elderly gentlecat.

“Well, thank you,” replied Phillip. “Say any of you cats know where Equestria is?”

The Demonic Lonely

Fourth Chapter: The Demonic Lonely

Alas, any of you cats did not know where Equestria was. Phillip was told that only the moon goddess was known to know, and that she herself had been banished. The young lad inquired further.

The old feline told the tale, “It has been said that the moon goddess was possessed by the darkness within herself, born of jealousy and loneliness; but the prophecy as written states that in a thousand years the stars will aid in her escape. It is then that she plans to conquer Equestria, and rule in everlasting night.”

“She didn’t seem that villainous to me,” replied the boy.

“Not by human standards,” spoke the cat, “but by pony customs she is quite wicked.”

“Damn,” mumbled Phillip, “I guess we can be pretty horrible.”

“Don’t worry,” said the cat, “those ponies are just dirty hippies. Killing and raping is the normal way to go.”

“You know housecats were named ‘Most Extreme Killers’ by Animal Planet,” Phillip noted.

“Thank you, but humans deserve the title far more.”

“You guys, us, and dolphins make the triumvirate of evil mammals!” laughed Phillip.

“Evil?” The cat raised an eyebrow.

“Er, I mean…” Phillip scratched his head, “Well, I love cats. I have a cat for a pet." The boy suddenly hoped he hadn’t offended his rescuers. “…companion, friend, person, thing… houseguest. I-ma keep looking for Equestria, thanks a lot you guys!”

And so Phillip traveled, adventuring day and night in search of that hallowed place; but alas to no avail.

He awoke the next morning and ran all the way to school. A story had to be told! Before classes started he went to the cafeteria and opened his laptop. Now invigorated, he excitedly pecked away at the keys; this would be his most fantastic blog entry to date! But then as he wrote, a strange feeling washed over him… something like guilt.

“Unknown Equestria…” he mumbled to himself. After a pause he highlighted all he had written… and pressed delete.

Phillip had a moderate amount of fun throughout the day. He talked to his friends and goofed off in front of strangers, all the normal stuff he always did; but throughout it all, in the moments between, the memories of a dream still haunted him.

Eventually the night came, and with it, the moon. Phillip stood in the street staring longingly. How connected were the lands of dreaming and of wakefulness? Could she see him now, exiled to that horrible rock… that villainous mare; so innocent in his eyes? That far more gentle world… Unknown Equestria… he had to find it.

“Do the impossible, see the invisible …” Phillip whispered to himself. He held his hands to the moon and declared, “Oh wicked mare of darkness! Hear me now! We didn’t start off on the best of terms, but I’m still rooting for you! Though you are trapped up there, I’m still with you! And I’ll see you again! And someday I WILL find it! And when I do I’ll prove to you that I’m a good guy! Relatively speaking! “

A neighbor shouted at him for screaming at the moon like a crazy person; a lunatic. Phillip ignored him and just stared at the moon. He had always been able to see it, the silhouette of a pony’s head on the lunar surface. Now he knew why nobody else could. This, too, was from that half-entered dream world. Could she see him, too? He just stared. How very sad and ironic it was to be banished for your loneliness. “I am with you,” he whispered.

Lunatic

Fifth Chapter: Lunatic

Phillip took one of the professor’s sleeping pills and entered the dreamlands, but descended the steps with contradicting feelings. How could he find it? How would he start? It was certainly impossible. However, he was resolved to find it anyways. Fuck impossibility! He just didn’t know how.

He waved hello to the priests as he approached.

“It’s been quite a while,” said the priest called Nasht, “Did you find your dream?”

“No,” replied Phillip. He thought of how he’d only been gone for a day. That's not really a while, is it? “I’m still searching.”

“But do you know what you are searching for?” asked the priest named Kaman-Thah.

“Unknown Equestria.” the boy blurted out. The priests looked modestly stunned. Clearly they were shocked, but their faces revealed they’d heard and experienced equally strange things; perhaps stranger even.

“For what purpose do you seek Equestria?” asked Kaman-Thah.

“To learn what my visions mean,” he replied, “and to find a gentler world.”

“Well,” smiled Nasht warmly, “good luck with that.”

Phillip once more headed to Ulthar, where no man may kill a cat, but found none of the felines that had saved him. Though no cat knew of what he spoke, they agreed to take him to the moon in exchange for a lot of fish.

So Phillip acquired a fishing net and other equipment by doing odd jobs for local residents. After two days he had captured enough fish to ride the cat wave.

“Why do you wanna go to such a dreaded place, anyways?” asked a rough and tumble kitty mercenary.

“My only lead is there, and I’m hoping there’s more,” Phillip explained.

The wave of cats jumped him to the moon, and from there he Solid Snaked it into the castle. It was pretty epic and crazy dangerous, but we’re skipping that and moving on with the story.

As he explored the castle, he found nothing helpful in regard to his quest. Eventually, though, he stumbled upon the moon queen’s chambers, and the pony herself.

“Sorry!” Phillip shouted as he covered his eyes. The pony was being dried off by her bat-pony servants. Clearly she had just bathed.

“YOU!” she declared. But there was something different about her.

“It was an accident!” Phillip shouted as he slowly realized she had been naked the entire time they spoke in the library.

“Phillip?” she asked as the bat-ponies surrounded him. He opened his eyes and saw that she had indeed changed in appearance, and surprisingly… she wasn’t angry.

“Hello,” Phillip greeted, “I guess you’re wondering why I came back after you tried to kill me.”

“No,” she replied, “We weren’t thinking of that, not at all.”

Phillip was confused by her expression. It was some kind of sadness. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “We are fine now.”

“So you aren’t gonna kill me?” he asked. He was kind of an idiot.

“No,” she spoke with a smile, “That was a thousand years ago. We’ve changed.”

“A thousand years?” asked Phillip. Suddenly Nasht’s comment and the absence of familiar felines made sense. “One day in my world is a thousand years here?!”

“Ah,” the pony sighed, “you are an inexperienced dreamer. We can teach you how to avoid time skips.”

Phillip let down his guard as the bat-ponies backed off and continued dressing the lunar goddess. “What happened to you?” he asked.

The mare, now called Princess Luna, told the tale of how the Elements of Harmony had purified her of the darkness that bound her. And over tea she spoke of something else interesting.

“Often times we’d look down upon the earth,” she blushed before taking a sip of tea. The room was beautiful in a dark sort of way. Most of the castle was. Phillip didn’t like tea, but he drank politely anyways and enjoyed the architecture. “We’d see you standing there, with your arm outstretched. You looked so strange… with such a bittersweet smile. You were always there looking up at us. At first it was very irritating.”

“Ha!” Phillip chuckled.

Luna smiled and continued, “But somehow… you became comforting. You were something that was… always there… frozen in time. We must admit…” the pony blushed further, “there were times we’d speak to you. For several hundred years, we’d say you were the closest thing we had to a friend.”

“I am indeed a friend to pony-kind.” He raised his teacup in something of a toast. “But I must admit, in my world I was only standing there for about half an hour.”

“That’s quite alright,” she reassured him, “Your little gesture went a long way. We must ask, however, what it was you were saying. We have always wondered.”

“I was just expressing that…” Phillip answered as he thumbed his teacup, “…you weren’t alone. And that I’d find Equestria and prove to you that I’m a good-guy. I think I also may have said some sappier stuff.” He blushed a little.

“We may be biased but… we believe you.”

And that’s how staring at the moon for a half-hour like a fucking lunatic gained Princess Luna’s trust.

Escape Velocity

Seventh Chapter: Escape Velocity

Phillip was disappointed to hear the news. “But this doesn’t soften my resolve!” he declared. Luna looked conflicted. Phillip also noted she was speaking softer and without the royal ‘we’. It was adorable, but at the same time he sort of liked being shouted at.

“I will not betray my sister,” the pony stated. “Not again.”

“I respect that,” replied Phillip.

“But I also don’t want you killed.”

“Come again?” Phillip didn’t hear that right.

“My sister is coming tonight to make certain I’ve destroyed you.”

“Oh.” Okay maybe he did.

“But alas, I cannot.” Luna sank to the floor. “You must understand that she isn’t cruel. It’s simply that the situation is so dire that extreme measures must be taken. There can be no exceptions.”

Phillip felt the magnitude of the situation as the energy drained from him. At the same time, he thought of all of the horrible atrocities his race seemed to make sport of. “Yeah, I suppose so,” he replied. How could he refute such a claim? Equestria must stay unknown.

“I am going to retire to my chambers for a few hours.” Luna said as she rose to her hooves. She headed for the door of Phillip’s guest room. There seemed to be new life in the tortured mare; perhaps a thought had occurred to her? She wiped a tear from her eye and spoke with determination, “In three hours time, I will return… and I will kill you.”

With that she left. A guard closed the door and Phillip stood there wondering… but not for long. “Fuck that jazz.” Phillip quickly found a quill and some parchment on the nearby desk. He wrote a note before peeking out his door and discovering no guards in sight. He strapped on his ‘tactical espionage action’ headband and snuck his way to where Luna’s royal chariot was stored. There he found a bat-pony hanging out. “Hello!” he declared, walking casually towards him.

“Uh…” the bat-pony looked around, “Hello.”

“Her Highness has retired to her chambers for the day, but before she did we had a brief conversation. It was mentioned that she had dropped a trinket her sister had given her.”

“That’s awful,” the bat-pony said with suspicion.

“As you probably know, the princess and I have been getting along as of late.” Phillip continued, “So I’d like to repay her in some small way. I didn’t make the best first impression, you see. So, I was wondering if you’d help me go and recover the trinket. You could get the credit; I just want to know I did something nice for her.”

“Why didn’t she send a search party after it?” asked the guard.

“Beats the hell out of me,” replied Phillip, “But let’s take advantage of the situation and score some brownie points!”

“I don’t know…” said the bat-pony., “There’s kind of a ‘no humans in Equestria’ rule.”

“She said it was over a forest…” Phillip began, watching the pony’s facial expression for any sign that they hadn’t in fact flown over a forest. “…so nobody would have to know. You could have the credit and I could just feel good about myself.”

“Huh.” The bat-pony thought a moment. “And what’s in it for you again?”

“Just feeling good about myself… have you never done a good deed anonymously before?”

“No,” he replied.

“Oh,” said Phillip with surprise. “Must be unique to humans then. So is that a no? I mean, I guess you could just go look on your own, but we’d cover more ground as a team.”

“That’s a no,” replied the bat-pony. He then remembered how sad Luna seemed on the return trip.

“Alright,” shrugged Phillip, “I’ll just make her a card. I guess getting credit is pretty sweet, too.”

“Wait,” said the bat-pony, “Alright I’ll help you, but you can’t leave the forest, you got that?”

It was a stupid move on Phillip’s part. I mean, what if the bat-pony had overheard the conversation about Phillip’s death sentence? It was a bold lie, but fortune favors the bold.

Equestria Found

Eighth Chapter: Equestria Found

A smile crept across her face as she read the note; she’d known he wouldn’t simply wait to die. After all, she’d tried to kill him before. Even so, he surpassed her expectations, for there wasn’t a false word to be seen! And although it felt bad to mislead her sister, she did decide to scroll back the timeline of the escape. She knew the bat-ponies wouldn’t contradict her, for it was she they served.

Yes, Phillip had left before her return. The letter itself would serve as proof in this new context, for it stated, “To Her Highness Princess Luna, I regret to inform you that I can no longer stay as your guest. An urgent matter has come to my attention and though it saddens me, it is imperative that I leave in your absence. I enjoyed our time together and am very happy that my little gesture went as far as it did. You are no longer alone. Your sister whom you have expressed great love for is with you now. I wish the best of happiness for you. It is also my hope that I see you again someday and keep true to my boast! –Your Faithful Subject, Phillip”

Meanwhile, Phillip himself was stealthily slinking through a forest near Canterlot. The poor bat-pony who’d brought him had a mini-panic attack and decided to stay mum about the event. He was relieved as it became apparent later on that his princess wasn’t interested in the details of how her guest had escaped. But this isn’t that random bat-pony’s story...

Phillip couldn’t believe he’d made it. Sneaking around the unknown woods of an unknown land was a bit on the scary side. He was out of breath and his heart was going a million miles per hour, but he was certain now that he was alone. Unfortunately, he was a lot more alone than he thought. It seemed he’d gotten mixed up during his evasive maneuvering.

That night our hero camped out in the wilderness, and in a dream within a dream Phillip heard his father saying, “Phillip, use the television.” Upon awaking he remembered he had watched a marathon of Man VS Wild on TV not long ago. For several days and nights Phillip wandered around the labyrinthine forest, but all was well. Television always comes through in a pinch.

Though Phillip knew he must be in Equestria, he didn’t yet feel victorious. He hadn’t seen a single pony, after all. Still, his resolve was stronger than ever and his luck was about to change once again. As he bathed under a waterfall one morning he heard a peculiar voice.

“Never before have mine eyes seen a naked monkey, most obscene! Of rareness I am certainly sure, oh naked monkey where’s your fur?”

With a startle Phillip covered his genitals and stooped into the river, but his embarrassment changed to excitement as he saw the pony, then to disappointment because it wasn’t a pony it was a zebra. “Hello.”

“Now I’m speechless! I’m in shock! How can a simple monkey talk?” the rhyming zebra exclaimed.

“I’m not a monkey,” replied Phillip, “I’m an ape, and I’m not simple. I’m a complicated fellow.”

After introductions Phillip asked about any ponies nearby. The zebra, named Zecora, explained that a little town called Ponyville wasn’t that far off.

An American Human In Ponyville

Ninth Chapter: An American Human in Ponyville

Over lunch Phillip explained that he was very curious and fascinated by ponies, but didn’t want to frighten them with his appearance. Zecora taught him a bit about pony culture. He also learned of Zecora’s penchant for potions. Putting one and one together he got another ‘brilliant’ idea and asked if Zecora knew of any potions that could change a creature’s form.

“A changing potion I do possess, but such drastic change is too much stress. This elixir can help a pony win shallow love, but cross-species transmogrification is unheard of!”

It took a minute for Phillip to get over that sentence. Conversation continued, but eventually Zecora had to head into town to check her mail. Phillip asked her not to reveal his presence yet. She agreed and Phillip sat alone contemplating. It was too late. Foolish as the idea was, it was already in his head. He grabbed the pony changing flask and madly drank its contents. After all, he was inclined to madly do things.

Let me ask you, reader, have you ever seen An American Werewolf in London? If so, you have an idea of what a human turning into a pony is like. It sucked…like, a lot. The pain was already so great, and Phillip wasn’t even changing yet… at least not noticeably. He just wanted it to end. He just wanted it to start!

“NYAAAAAARRGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” Phillip screamed as he broke his forearm. The bones! They were reconfiguring! As his fingers began collapsing in on themselves he screamed, “THE HOOFENING!!!”

The horrible sensation surged over him as his right arm freaked right the fuck out. His legs bent in terrible ways as his skinny jeans ripped and a horrible noise groaned from his torso. His skull broke apart in his face as it stretched into a pony-like head. It was the most brutal thing he’d ever experienced, and could never imagine; the brain has safety measures against that kind of thought.

After an eternity of torment it was done. Phillip was now a pony. Is this awesome? Phillip thought so. “I can do anything,” he declared before passing out and pissing himself.

A disapproving Zecora nursed him back to health, and before long he was ready to do his victory trot around Ponyville. And how wonderful it was! The ponies appeared just as in his visions! Not like the powerful moon goddess, but as the simple ponyfolk he came to see! And wouldn’t you know it, he caught somepony’s attention!

“I am at a party all of a sudden!” he declared with a smile as the pink pony performed a song and dance routine around him, welcoming him to Ponyville. Balloons and confetti and punch and partygoers were all in their due stations.

“Were you surprised?! You look surprised!” she asked and declared, “I can tell you like it! It’s a welcome party! Like I just sang! What’s your name? I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“You’re AWESOME!” Phillip corrected.

“Thanks!” she giggled.

“My name’s Phillip!” he introduced himself, “And I’m a little confused as to how you knew I was new.”

“I know everypony in Ponyville,” she declared, “and since I didn’t know you I knew you must be new!"
“That makes sense.” nodded Phillip.

Thus Spoke Celestia

Sixth Chapter: Thus Spoke Celestia

Though he had her trust, Luna still couldn’t allow Phillip passage until she had consulted the solar goddess. After an eventful Night Mare Night, Princess Luna spoke with her elder sister after sunrise.

“You should go to sleep, dear sister,” spoke Celestia, day-ruler of Equestria. She and Luna landed on one of the balconies of Canterlot Castle.

“We…I will shortly. First there is a certain matter I would like to discuss with you,” Luna said nervously.

Celestia looked concerned and asked, “What is it?”

“Well,” she explained, “Since I am moving back to Canterlot, I was wondering if it would be okay if I invited a… friend to the castle.”

“You have made a new friend already?” Celestia smiled, “That’s wonderful! Is it somepony from Canterlot? There are certainly more ‘night-owls’ in the cities these days.”

“He isn’t from around here,” Luna replied sheepishly.

“He?” her elder sister smiled rather mischievously, “Your new ‘friend’ is a stallion?”

“No,” she answered, “He isn’t from Equestria.”

“What?”

“He is a human. He’s staying at my castle on the moon,” Luna announced, ready for a scolding. It was forbidden, after all.

Celestia looked deadly serious. “A human? How did he learn of Equestria?”

“He has seen it in visions. He is from the waking world,” Luna explained, “He risked his soul to seek me out. I believe he is a good man. I believe he can be trusted.”

“No human can be trusted.” spoke Celestia. “No matter how kind they may seem.”

“But sister…” Luna said pleadingly, “He was there for me… he was always there. His motive is pure, he only seeks a gentler world." the moon princess regained her composure and declared with confidence, "Besides, it seems it was meant to be. He has had visions of this place! Not even King Kuranes had visions of Equestria!”

“No,” Celestia declared. Though she felt sympathy for her younger sister, she had to put her hoof down; for the sake of Equestria. “Equestria must stay unknown.”