Misanthropic Ponies
On a sunny day, you a human, dressed in a fine black tuxedo was sat on a wooden stump in the middle of Ponyville. One by one pastel angry ponies approached you to vent their hatred of you for being a human.
First Rarity approached you with a smug grin on her face over being superior to you for being a pony.
"Oh my, look at you, you evil human! You’re a filthy small penised bastard! You want to kill me don’t you, you dirty ape? Don’t you want to become a pony and live happily forever and rid yourself of your evil human nature?" shouted the white unicorn, glaring daggers at you.
"Yes. I am an evil human with a small penis and I want to kill you. Because that’s all humans know. All humans are evil bastards and I love ponies and want to be a pony," you spoke in a robotic monolog tone.
"Oh Anon! I love that you hate your own species!" she said in joy with her eyes lit up in love hearts.
Rarity kissed your cheek over your self hate as everypony cheered in joy.
"Uh… I was being sarcastic."
From hearing this, Rarity had roared in rage and slapped you across the face.
"I hate you now human! You must be a self loathing misanthrope if you ever want my love," she shouted, grinding her teeth together.
"I don’t want your love! For starters, I think you are ugly."
"YOU EVIL BASTARD!" she shouted, tears in her eyes.
"I don’t fucking care what you think! Go away!" you shouted.
With that Rarity wailed in grief as she trotted away. The poneis gave you harsh glares for making Rarity cry.
Applejack approached you, giving you a nasty glare.
"Ye are a dirty monkey! Ya got a small penis and are therefore evil. Ya humans don’t have a soul and are bad for the environment and are all greedy warlike savages, who are destroying your world and yourselves. While us ponies never fought and never did any bad things ever, because we’re ponies and magic of friendship and magic and all that."
"I know, I’m also a sadist, torture loving meany, rapist, pedophile and serial killer. And you ponies should invade Earth to turn all humans into ponies because we are all evil bastards and have small penises."
"Oh, sugar cube. Come mere and kiss me." she said softly, looking at you with bedroom eyes.
"Uh, I wasn't being serious."
Applejack growled angrily. "Well, I hate you now you darn human! I only like humans that hate themselves! To think I would have had buttsex with you if you were sincere with the hate of your own species."
You said nothing in response.
"Alright then. I’m going away you Mr. Proud of being human. Even though you don’t have a soul and ponies are vastly superior than you stupid apes. Ponies are the immortal apex race and you are an evil human with a small penis. "
You sighed, burying your hands into your face. "Just go away you dumb horse."
Tears began to form in her eyes, before she wailed in grief as she trotted away.
"You made Applejack cry! You evil bastard!" roared Rainbow Dash, flying into your face to glare angrily at you.
"What you want Dashie?"
"I want to tell you of how much of a fat ugly loser I think you are! I hate you human! You’ll never get to cum inside me, with your evil human cum!” she shouted, grinding her teeth together.
"What gave you the idea that I wanted to cum inside you?"
"What?!" she replied in shock, her voice sounding hurt.
"You heard me."
With that Rainbow Dash flew away wailing in grief.
"Oh Anon, you’re such an evil cunt!" yelled Princess Twilight Sparkle, walking toward you with a harsh glare on her face.
"Yes, I know. I am an evil human after all, I can’t help being an evil cunt. It’s in my nature."
Twilight Sparkle’s gasped with a hoof over her mouth as her eyes sparkled in joy. "Does this mean you’ve finally accepted that you are an inferior piece of shit and a blight to all life and want to become a pony and be my friend?"
"Uh, no."
Twilight roared in rage, slapping you across the face with a hoof. "How dare you get my hopes up! Here I thought you finally accepted that you’re nothing but a stupid ape with a small penis, who only wants to kill and rape."
You sighed with a hand over your face. "Twilight, in my experience most humans don’t tend to be killers and rapists."
"There you are again! Defending your evil incarnate race. How can you defend your vile species that only kills everything?! That’s all humans know, rape and kill! Can’t you see you need to become a pony to rise to ascension in order to become the apex species?"
"Listen, are you ponies going to leave me alone or are you just going to bad mouth me all day? I’m not a condescending cunt to you! Why must you be to me?"
"Listen human, you are an evil bastard from a finite world. You have a small penis and you will die of old age. While all us ponies are good and nice and live forever. Us ponies got magical powers to stop our sun from dying and keep our planet lush and green forever. Us ponies, unlike you humans never had war, never hurt one another and never did a bad thing ever. Us ponies are the greatest thing to ever exist, everyone who is not a pony is an evil bastard."
"So, do you want to be my friend and become a pony?" she said softly, smiling at you warmly.
"Yeah maybe," you rolled your eyes, she did not seem to notice, since she continued to smile. "Those are fairly good points."
Twilight gasped in joy.
"So, you’ll be my friend and have accepted you are an evil useless piece of shit? I can turn you into a pony and we can be friends forever and ever!"
"Hmm, do I want to be friends with someone who looks down at everyone who isn’t a pony as inferior vermin? Yet, got these amazing world repairing and never dying sun powers, but never use these awesome powers to help anyone that isn’t a pony. Because they are all supposedly evil bastards beyond saving, that don’t deserve pity nor compassion unless they hate themselves and become a pony."
"No war, no pain, immortality, endless supply of food and drink and no suffering. Plus ponies are all good and perfect moral beings."
"That’s great and everything, but you’re still an elitist, condescending asshole," you stood up to emphasize your point. "So, no."
With that you turned around and walked away from her.
"Wait!" she shouted, trotting after you. "More ponies want to tell you of how much of an evil piece of shit they think you are."
"Go away!" you roared.
"Oh you evil bastard! Telling me to ‘go away!"
You opened your mouth to speak, before there was a blinding flash of light, followed by the appearance of Princess Celestia before you, stopping you in your tracks.
You sighed, knowing you were in for another long winded speech about how much of an evil bastard you are.
"What is going on here?" she said in a stern voice.
"He’s a human, who won’t accept that he’s an evil monster and refuses to become a pony," shouted Twilight.
The other ponies shouted ‘Yeah!’ behind her in agreement.
Celestia gave her a stunned look, jaw dropping. "That’s not very nice Twilight. How would you like it, if somepony called you an evil monster who needs to become a human?"
"But he’s an evil human! Humans are all evil and--
"That’s very speciesist of you. I'll have you know I’ve met many a nice human."
"Wait… so you’re not going to tell me of how much an evil bastard I am?" you exclaimed.
"No. Because I don’t like being an elitist, condescending asshole to the less fortunate. If I did that, then I would be a dick."
Twilight glared angrily at Celestia. "But he’s an evil human!"
"Twilight, just because us ponies are an immortal, overpowered mary sue race doesn't mean we have the right to be cunts to everyone who don't have it as good as us. We're ponies, not dickheads. As ponies we have the ability to blast antidepressant, sickness and wound healing rainbow lasers, which are made of friendship, forgiveness and kindness out from our butts."
"But he's an evil human, so therefore-- Celestia eyes narrowed to pin pricks… thus silencing her.
“You will leave this poor, innocent human alone or I’ll-- she came to a sudden stop when she sniffed the air, which caused her eyes to widen in shock.
"Hmm?" Celestia tapped her chin thoughtfully. "There is some strange magic in the air around here. It appears to smell of sweat and shame."
Celestia’s horn became surrounded in a golden aura, before her eyes narrowed in anger.
"Neckbeard Misanthropic Magic?! Oh, I should have known!" she shouted.
With that Celestia horn unleashed a blinding flash of light. When the light faded everyone looked around in confusion.
"So.. does that mean-- Aaaa!" you began before Twilight jumped into your arms and cried into your chest.
"Anon, please forgive me. I wasn’t myself! I promise, the real me isn’t an elitist, condescending asshole," she wailed, her tears soaking your clothes.
"Sure, you seem a lot nicer now."
"Yay!" she shouted happily.
You and Twilight looked deeply into each other's eyes, before you slowly came together to kiss passionately.
"Hey, can we join?" said a female’s southern accent.
You parted lips with Twilight to see Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash standing before you with cute pleading doggy eyes.
"Sure. I forgive you--- Aaaaa!" you shouted as you fell over, due to them tackling you to the ground to smother you in hugs, kisses... and licking your body all over. "Ladies, calm down. There’s enough for everyone."
"You four go have makeup sex with Anon. I have an evil neckbeard to find," Celestia said walking away. "I’ll join in later," she added in a sensual tone.
At the edge of the Everfree Forest, there was a pale skinned, a morbidly obese, human neckbeard hidden behind a tree. He wore a white t-shirt with a smiling Pinkie Pie on it, brown, leather sandals and a black fedora hat atop his head.
"Dammit! Foiled again!" he shouted angrily.
The End
Author's Note
Amazing isn't it? That Princess Celestia is not the misanthrope.
Unlike some fan fictions, you know the ones I mean...
