The Drunken Samurai
“What is this I see?” I asked myself as I picked up the long tempered steel blade. I belched and the taste of rum came shooting up my throat like a stallion into a breeding dummy. The blade was clearly used for some sort of violent conflict at some point as both the steel and the sheath had no markings or runes to signify any sort of ritualistic use. This was a blade for war! “What would this be doing in Equestria though?” I asked myself looking all around the wood which I would often take walks through when I wasn’t busy drinking at the local bar.
“I don’t think anyone would miss it.” I said this before swiftly taking it in my hands and throwing it in my bag.
A few hours passed and I found myself back in the tavern which in all honesty was like a second home to me at this point. Although that isn’t saying much considering my actual home is a tent in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres that I pray every day doesn’t get found and destroyed by Applejack.
Proudly I ripped the blade from my bag and smashed it down onto the crude wooden tables with a thud.
“What….is that?” Rarity asked as she cautiously prodded it with her hoof.
“What is it? It’s a sword! I knew you were privileged but you’d think you would have seen a sword by now!” I exclaimed before taking another swig from my bottle of apple rum.
“I know it’s a sword! I’m just confused as to how you got it and why you have it!”
Rarity seemed rather concerned at this rather large drunken biped having what is essentially a large thin sheet of death. In retrospect I suppose she had a point.
“Do you have any idea what we could do with this!?” I burped again.
“We could put it back wherever you found it and pretend you never found it?” Said the southern belle sitting adjacent to me.
“Oh you’re no fun I was thinking…now here me out…we use this thing to…”
I dozed off for a minute and everyone gave an exasperated sigh except for Fluttershy who was absent, and Rainbow Dash who swiftly blasted her wings at me and woke me with a jolt.
“You guys are here! I have something awesome it’s…oh wait I already showed you.” I yawned and took another swig. “You guys said yes to the magically infuse this thing with some sort of gravity displacer so we can make random things float and say fuck you to Isaac Newton!”
“Have you been stealing my books again?” Asked Twilight, slamming her head onto the table.
“Not stealing, borrowing!” I exclaimed before standing up and picking up the sword gently in my hands.
“So is it a yes?” I asked once more.
“It’s a resounding no!” Twilight yelled as everyone looked over at us and she quickly hid her head under her hooves.
“Oh come on it could be fun!” I said trying to balance the sword’s handle on my palm.
“He’s got a point it’s been really boring around here.” Rainbow Dash chimed in.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Said Applejack.
“I’m abstaining my vote.” Rarity said.
“Ugh! Fine!” Twilight said as I laughed with glee “Come on let’s go!” I said before running out of the bar and towards the woods.
“This is not going to end well.” Applejack said as she begrudgingly followed the rest of the girls and me.
We made it to the woods and the sun was setting well into the night. The only noise was the wind rustling the leaves, and the crickets that were playing their annoying melodies. I pulled out the word and pointed it at Twilight who quickly grew worried.
“Don’t point that at me!” She shouted.
“Oh, sorry, but uhh blast it with your magic stick!”
“You mean my horn?”
“Yeah, sorry, you all look like blobs at this point. Big purple and other colored blobs.” Another swig was foolishly downed.
Twilight took a step back and her horn began to glow that dark purple. A blast of magic went through it and the sword absorbed it all. The blade quickly became top heavy but instead of the weight pressing down it was pressing up. The gravity spell had worked! I turned away from the girls and took a swing, throwing the spell into some bushes which quickly disrupted and started to float off. Another swing towards some rocks and they began to float as well. I chased the rocks and struck them with the blade, both shattering the stones and pushing them farther up and away.
“Isaac Newton, this day you are my bitch!”
“Who are you talking about?” Pinkie asked as she popped out from behind a tree.
“Famous physicist, discovered gravity on my world but now…now he is my bitch!”
Pinkie laughed as she always does at everything. I took out my bottle of apple rum and poured some at the long side of the sword. It started to float and I became elated. I quickly drank up the rum that was floating in the air before doing it again and again, quickly finishing up the rum. I tried to do it again without realizing that it was empty and decided it would be a good idea to play baseball with a rum bottle with a sword laced with gravity magic.
“Rarity, Twilight, I don’t care who, pitch this bottle at me I’m going to see what happens when I strike it.”
Twilight and Rarity stuttered but Rainbow Dash did not and she quickly used her wings to blast air at the bottle and shot it at me where I struck it and it went flying into the sky and then of course floated for a bit.
Hours passed with this sort of behavior before I finally passed out.
I awoke with a terrible headache, and a broken blade next to my sore body.
“How drunk was I?” I looked around and saw several trees floating around both the woods and Ponyville. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were still on some of the trees, and a few boulders had found themselves in seemingly random locations throughout the town. “Oh…that kind of drunk.” I laid back down and took a nap.
