Brütal Legend: Pony Rock, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Metal
Prologue
Load Full StoryNext ChapterEddie Riggs smiled, gripping the demonhide-bound wheel of his beloved Deuce in overlarge hands as the machine growled over the hilly terrain outside of Bladehenge. All around him, the grassy slopes held groups of the victorious army of Ironheade, from Headbangers to Zaulia, mingling together, partying, knocking back some of that awful piss Mangus called “Momma’s Brew”, and generally celebrating their triumph over the Coil, all the while making toasts to Lita and Lars Halford.
He nodded, satisfied. It really didn’t bother him, the fact that his exploits weren’t being sung. Sure, he had been the one to gather the army, had been the mind behind the strategy, had been the man to finally face Emperor Doviculus and behead the monster.
He was a roadie, the best one, in fact. And as the best roadie, he knew what his job was.
‘Yep. Making someone else look good, keeping someone else safe, and helping someone else do what they were put here to do.’
And frankly, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
His grin broadened a bit as he looked into his rearview mirror at the small figure standing on the ridge. Eddie couldn’t see her face, the distance and failing light preventing such a feat, but he didn’t need to.
Ophelia’s eyes were on him, he knew. He could feel it.
Shaking his head, Eddie Riggs settled back into his seat as the Deuce started climbing another hill. He’d be back soon, he promised himself. Just a few loose ends to tie up; a few more of those Bound Serpents, was all. His demonic side could sense the spirits deep within the statues, and it irked him to know that they were unable to be free, to take part in the hard-won independence that the rest of the land now enjoyed.
He allowed his mind to wander. Maybe he’d drop by a Metal Forge, invite the Guardian to some of the festivities. The guy looked like he could use a day out…
The Deuce then crested the hill, and Eddie paused for a moment, gently pressing the brake. He watched as the sun began to truly and properly set, a glorious wash of fiery reds and oranges quickly being chased below the horizon by the deep bruising of oncoming night.
He parked and set the e-brake, allowing a hand to reach back and softly, lovingly, pluck a few strings on Clementine, slung over his back. The guitar twanged just as softly and lovingly, a perfect little melody to join in with the approach of dusk.
Eddie Riggs allowed a sigh to escape him. For years, he had followed that shitty little band back…could he really call it home? Now, after all he had been through here in this antiquated period of time, it felt so much more like home than he could have ever believed. Here, he felt like he had purpose, direction…
Back in the old place, he had no real meaning. Just follow that band, pour his heart into his work, and watch them piss all over it. But here?
Yeah…here was home, now. Here his skills propped up people who actually needed and appreciated it, however subtle that appreciation was. Here, he had friends, family, prospects, even.
Eddie closed his eyes as the last strains of sunlight warmed his face, cooling as the kiss of dusk finally took its turn. “Yep…I got it made, alright…”
“Totally.”
Eddie’s eyes snapped open as his head spun around to look at the empty passenger seat…
Or the formerly empty passenger seat.
It was now occupied by some sort of…snake…horse…goat…lion...chicken…dragon thing reclining back on the cushion. Hard to tell what it was, really…no two parts seemed to match in anything except function. Whatever it was, it was long, it was big, and those claws looked dangerous.
And those eyes…the only things that were an identical pair...yellow surrounding scarlet that seemed to bore into him, as if they could see into his soul.
The thing smiled at Eddie Riggs, teeth glistening white in the lights from the dash, one long fang hanging low on the lip.
Eddie Riggs felt the blood in his veins freeze at the creature now eyeballing him. He swallowed, hard.
“Yo,” he said.
The whateveritwas allowed its smile to fall slack. “’Yo’?” it said incredulously. “That’s it? ‘Yo’?” The lion’s paw and the chicken foot crossed themselves like arms. “If that was the greeting I’d known I was going to get, I would have dressed fittingly.”
The chicken foot snapped its talons. A bright light dazzled Eddie’s disbelieving eyes, and he shielded his face for a moment. When he looked back, the creature was clad in an ensemble straight from the Baron’s wardrobe: black leather peaked cap and matching jacket and pants.
The roadie merely stared as the oddity inhabiting his passenger seat whipped a pair of mirrored aviators from a pocket and donned them, the sunglasses warping themselves to fit its muzzle perfectly. “Wotcher, mate,” it said, putting a toothpick into its snaggle-toothed mouth.
Eddie resumed staring. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “Uh…hi…”
A moment of silence followed, during which the creature lowered the shades with its lion’s paw to frown mightily at the roadie. “The polite thing to do,” it said, voice the very sound of effrontery, “would be to introduce yourself, shake hands…you know, the typical niceties.”
The chicken claws snapped again, and Eddie found his hand gripped by the lion paw, the owner of which now dressed in a short-sleeved white button-down, with thick glasses and braces on his teeth.
“My name is Discord, Lord and Master of Chaos, Mr. Eddie, sir, and I’m your biggest fan!!” The lion paw began pump up and down relentlessly, and Eddie found himself jostled relentlessly.
“And now,” the creature named Discord said, “you’re probably wondering why I’m here, hmm?”
Wrenching his hand from the leonine mitt, Eddie snarled. “Actually, I’m thinking about how much I’d like to kick your ass!” He reached back for the handle of the Separator. “Now, get the fuck outta my…hey, what the fuck?”
As his fingers grasped empty air, Discord waved the axe in the air, tossing it from paw to claw and back. “Ooooo, yes…now this is familiar…” he cooed. “The weapon of Succoria herself! Just as shiny and sharp as I remember…”
Eddie froze, even as one massive fist had clenched in preparation of a beatdown. “Wait…how do you—”
“Oh, everyone knows about Succoria,” Discord said, flapping a dismissive appendage as he continued to stare at the weapon. “Honestly, did you think that this world and your old home were the only ones she and Riggnarok visited?”
The half-demon remained silent, eyes narrowing as the beast before him admired its reflection in the blade. Finally, Discord seemed to get bored with the axe; he turned to look at Eddie.
“Yes, we were all old, old friends…when we weren’t trying to kill each other, mind. I was even hoping for a little get-together, a reunion of sorts…and imagine how I am feeling right now! I go through the ether, looking for both of them, searching for their auras…and I find you!” He propped his chin on a poultry fist. “Now, why would that be?”
Eddie snorted, deciding to humor the creature. “Yeah…Mom died. So did Dad.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, dear, don’t tell me she died giving birth to you…how dreadfully cliché…and I told Riggnarok a thousand times, those cigarettes were going to kill him.” He paused.
“He…did die of lung cancer, correct? Don’t get me wrong, I remember everything, it’s just that maintaining a physical form requires that I only have so much room in the old melon, and unimportant details tend to get left behind...”
No answer was forthcoming; the eyes of the roadie had gone a dangerous shade of yellow, and the veins under his rapidly-darkening skin began to bulge.
“Oh, come now,” Discord said, “I didn’t upset you, did I? And here I thought we were getting along so well…” The point at the top of the Separator was used to pick Discord’s front teeth. “I do so hate how these meetings with mortals always degrade into violence…and the worst part is, you don’t even know why I’m here, and you’re ready to knock my block off!”
Eddie paused a moment, quashing the urge to knock out that single fang from his unwanted guest’s mouth as he considered the chimera’s words. He was nothing if not a fair man, and there was some truth to what Discord had said; it didn’t sit right, not knowing what it was the creature wanted.
“Okay,” he grumbled, settling back. “What’s your angle?”
Immediately, Discord brightened up and lifted his talon. “Finally! I thought you’d never ask!”
SNAP!
Now clad in a business suit, Discord stared down the long table that had appeared before the Druid Plow’s front bumper. “Firstly, the board would like to congratulate you, Mr. Riggs, on your victory over the Tainted Coil and its leader, Emperor Doviculus.” Immediately, twelve other Discords, similarly clad (save for one near Eddie’s left fender, dressed in a skirt and blouse) began to clap in polite enthusiasm (save, once again, for the one in the skirt; that one blew a lipsticky kiss and winked an overdone eye at Eddie. Eddie, for his part, merely felt slightly nauseous).
“However…”
The clapping stopped, and every eye went back to the Discord at the head of the table, who began to pace back and forth, using the Separator as a cane. “We here at Discord, Discord, and Discord, LLC, believe that a man of your talents isn’t exactly cut out for the rigors of peacetime. You, Mr. Riggs, are a man of action, a hot-blooded warrior who needs to get up and go!”
“Yeah?” Eddie crossed his arms. “And what makes you say that?”
The Discords smiled as one. “Simple; instead of staying with your friends and lover to celebrate, you decided to go and seek out the Bound Serpents, did you not? Instead of taking the night off, just a single night, you get back in your car and head off to another job. Albeit not a strenuous one…”
Eddie nodded, grudgingly so. He could see that line of logic. “Okay...your point?”
“Our point, Mr. Riggs,” a random Discord retorted, “is that we think that, instead of sitting around this land, waiting for the next conflict…which is coming, fundraising issues or not…you could be utilizing your abilities elsewhere. More specifically, another Realm entirely.”
Eddie Riggs stared. “…elsewhere.”
“Yes.”
“…as in…leave here.”
“Right.”
“…as in…go somewhere that isn’t the holy land of Metal?”
“Exactly.”
A pregnant moment of silence went by. Discord watched as it did, shook the father’s hand, and offered him a cigar.
“Okay…what part of that,” said the exasperated roadie, “even seems like it would be something I would want to do?”
At this, Discord smiled grimly. “Oh, but my dear boy,” he said, raising the chicken claw once more.
“I do not recall giving you a choice.”
The talons snapped, the table, business suit, and dopplegangers disappeared, and a massive hole, a swirling vortex of black energy that still shone with its own, unnamable light, opened up above Eddie Riggs and the Deuce.
Eddie, for his part, merely stared at it; then he said what was possibly one of the most profound things he had ever conceived.
“Huh. Well, that’s new.”
And then he had the most peculiar sensation of falling up.
Discord watched his progress, and then looked down.
“I suppose,” he said, “that you think he’ll be needing you?”
The Separator said nothing, as it was an axe and would find itself hard-pressed to do so, seeing as how it had no mouth. Discord looked at it askance.
“Are you certain? You and I could have a real slice…” He snickered. “Get it? Slice? Because you’re an axe?”
Once again, the weapon said nothing.
The Lord and Master of All Things Chaotic sighed. “No need to get snippy. Alright, then…Tee-Tee-Eff-Enn.”
And he pulled back and threw Succoria’s Favorite Weapon through the portal, which closed up behind it, disappearing as if it had never been there in the first place.
“Well…now that that business is over…” And Discord rubbed his paw and talon together in excitement as he gave a little wriggle.
“Time for my vacation to finally begin!”
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