Friendship is Heresy!

by Flowey the Happy Flower

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character
Length: 4473

Can Twilight and her friends teach six grim warriors from the grim 41st millenium about the not-very-grim-at-all magic of friendship?

"And why in the Emperor's name is there a Khornate Berserker snoring on the floor?"
-Inquisitor Carpathos

Six grim warriors from a dark galaxy torn apart by ferocious flames of war. Their hearts turned cold by decades of ceaseless slaughter. Their hopes and dreams long abandoned. Their love replaced with raw hatred.

Discord thinks it would be a "fun little challenge" for Twilight and her friends to persuade these psychopaths to befriend each other and have them embrace the magic of friendship.

What could possibly go wrong?

Published 2015-12-05 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-11 18:48:17 UTC

A "Friend" Indeed In Need

Twilight and her friends gathered around the Cutie Map and sat down on their thrones. Their cutie marks glowed and so did the map of Equestria.

"Good that you came here as fast as you could," Twilight said to her friends as she sat on her seat. "Seems like this might be something big and important if all of us have been summoned."

Six shimmering symbols appeared on the map, each of them a cutie mark of a pony sitting around the table.

"Let's see where we're going next!" Rainbow Dash said with anticipation. "I hope there's a friendship problem on that mountain with a giant skull on top. That place looks awesome!"

"You mean 'terrifying'?" Fluttershy asked with a quivering voice.

"How can mountains be awesome or terrifying?" asked Pinkie Pie. "They're just huuuge piles of rock, and I know rocks! They're just rocky, that's all!"

"Shush, the symbols are moving!" Rarity said.

Their cutie marks drifted towards Ponyville.

"Oh, looks like we ain't gonna go far away," Applejack said. "Good! I have work to do at the farm! The sooner this problem is solved, the better."

The symbols floated above Twilight's castle and stopped. The ponies frowned and raised their eyebrows.

"Huh," Twilight said and rubbed her jaw. "This is odd. The friendship problem... Is here?"

"Indeed it is!" exclaimed Discord.

All ponies except Fluttershy gasped and looked above at the source of the voice. Fluttershy, on the other hand, smiled and said "Oh, hi Discord. It's good to see you!"

The spirit of chaos floated above them and trifled with ropes adorned with gems hanging from the roots of the Golden Oak library. "I've been wanting to say, these are very nice decorations, Twilight. Or well, these roots are somewhat distasteful, but these glowing gems make up for it!"

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. "So, Discord, you have a friendship problem?"

The draconeequs landed on top of the table. "Why yes, I do! And I desperately need the help of the Princess of Friendship and all her trusted subjects in her entire Kingdom! Which means six ponies in a single castle. Oh well, it should suffice," he said with a shrug.

"Cut to the chase, Discord!" said Rainbow Dash as she flew close to Discord and glared at his eyes.

Discord pouted and snapped his fingers. All feathers on Rainbow Dash's wings disappeared. She fell on the table while her feathers reappeared inside a pillow Discord had just conjured. "No need to be rude, friend," he said, placed the pillow on the table and sat on it.

The blue pegasus stood up and growled. "Calm down, sugarcube!" Applejack said and grasped her tail with her mouth moments before she tried to leap at Discord. "Give me my feathers back, freak!" she shouted.

Discord grunted and said "Not until you apologize, Dashie" before turning to look at Twilight. "Ahem, where was I? Ah, right, my problem! I have six friends from a different dimension who simply can't get along. When they meet each other, they start throwing insults and threats at each other. Why, it's so bad that they might even hurt each other one day!"

Twilight rolled her eyes at the melodrama while Pinkie Pie gasped and said "That's just horrible!"

"I know, and I can't bear to see them argue all the time. I just want them to be happy and have fun together. Princess Twilight, you're my only hope," he said and fluttered with his eyelashes that had just doubled in length. "Please? Can you help me?"

Twilight frowned. "I don't know, Discord. I still haven't learned to trust you."

Discord gasped and was suddenly on the verge of crying. "Really? After all this time?"

Fluttershy flew near him and placed a hoof on his shoulder. "It's alright Discord, I trust you."

He sniffed. "You do?"

"Yes." She turned to look at Twilight. "Can you be nice to him once? Or is this going to be the first friendship problem we ignore?"

Twilight sighed. "Fine, we'll help you, Discord. And Rainbow, apologize to him"

"What? But he took away all my feathers!"

"This instant," she said with a glare.

"Fine. Discord, I'm sorry I was so rude and yadda yadda yadda. Gimme back my feathers!"

He snapped his fingers and the pillow disappeared with its content that soon reappeared on the pegasus' wings. He smiled warmly at Twilight and said "Wonderful! I knew you would help a friend in need!"

"Yes, yes. Where are these friends of yours, then?"

"Oh, I'll bring them here soon. Is there a place where we can all sit together? We will need a large room for all of us."

"Well, there's the dining hall-"

"Ah, excellent! That's where you'll meet me and my friends in an hour or so! See you there! Prepare some snacks if you can! Arrivederci!"

And with a snap of his fingers, he disappeared in a flash of light.

Everyone turned to look at Applejack. She raised an eyebrow. "Why are y'all lookin' at me? Wait, don't tell me I gotta bring the food! I'd much rather sell it all! It was hard work makin' all those pastries!"

"Applejack," Twilight said. "It was Pinkie Pie's turn to prepare meals last time we ate together. Now it's your turn."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll go get some apple pies and whatnot. See y'all soon."

The Grim Fellowship

The six ponies sat around a dining table that was covered with apples and all kinds of apple-related products. Twilight tapped her hoof on the table in boredom while Rainbow Dash flipped a page of her Daring Do-book, Pinkie Pie munched on some apple pie and Rarity applied make-up on her face. Applejack had tried counting the amount of money she wouldn't gain from the pastries before remembering she didn't know how to count, so she had decided to take a nap instead.

"Uh, I'm certain he'll be here soon," said Fluttershy who eagerly waited for her friend.

"This must be another one of his pranks," Twilight muttered in annoyance and boredom.

"It isn't," Discord said.

Pinkie Pie screamed out of surprise, which made Rarity ruin her make-up and yelp, which awakened Applejack and made Rainbow Dash accidentally throw her hardcover book onto a pie which in turn burst open and covered Twilight in apple jelly and pie crust.

Pinkie laughed. "Oh, you got us, Discord! That was actually pretty funny!"

He chuckled. "Hohoh, indeed! Excuse me for being late. But like I said, my friends don't like each other one bit, so it took a fair amount of coinvincing to get them to come here."

There was a moment of silence. The ponies glanced at each other.

"Uhh, where are they, then?" Twilight asked as she wiped her head with a towel.

"I'll bring them here one by one, don't worry. First of all, allow me to introduce... Furor Maximus!"

A huge humanoid as tall as Discord but much wider appeared on one of the empty chairs. He was covered from head to toe in shining red metal armour, and his shoulder pads were larger than a foal. The chair under him soon cracked and exploded into pieces.

"AHH! THIS CHAIR DARED TO HARM A MIGHTY MARINE!" he shouted as he sat awkwardly on the floor. He stood up and started pummeling the broken remnants of the seat with his fists. "RAAAARGH! FACE THE WRATH OF KHORNE, CHAIR SCUM!"

It would be an understatement to say that the ponies were utterly speechless. They stared at the hulking monstrosity with their jaws wide open.

"Hehe, he has some... temper issues," Discord said. "But trust me, if I had brought him here last, he would've gotten out of control. His blood begins to boil whenever he sees my other friends, you see. Meeting them all at once would've... hahah, I don't even want to think about it."

Twilight blinked several times before regaining her bearings. "Okay, I can see that he has... a certain lack of patience."

The giant stopped hitting the broken chair, raised his gaze and looked at the cute ponies around him. "What is this? WHAT ARE THESE DESPICABLE MONSTROSITIES?"

Discord drifted in front of him. "Calm down, Fury! You're a guest, so behave nicely!"

Furor was silent for a moment. "Calm down? CALM DOWN? YOU DARE TO ASK ME TO CALM DOWN? KHORNE HATES CALMING DOWN!" He grabbed the table and pulled it upwards. "THIS TABLE WILL FEEL MY WRATH!"

"No!" Discord shouted, stood on the table and snapped his fingers. A flute appered in his hands. He played a soothing tune as the warrior glared at him.

"BLOOD... FOR THE... blood... god," he mumbled and yawned. "Sleep... for the sleeping god." He lied down on the floor and began to snore.

Discord wiped his forehead. "Phew, that was close."

"Are your other friends... as, uh, 'quirky' as him?" Twilight asked.

He chuckled "Oh no, he's the craziest one."

"Are you saying that the others are crazy as well?" Rainbow asked.

"No! Or maybe. Anyways, here's the next one!" he said nervously and snapped his fingers.

A humanoid creature appeared on one of the seats. He was clad in intricately decorated clothes and had a black cape on his back. A book hung from his belt and many skulls decorated his apparel. His black hair was neatly combed, and he examined the room with a grim face.

"These bright colours hurt my eyes," he muttered. "Foul daemon, where have you brought me?"

"To a very special place," Discord said. "Here, you'll learn to appreciate the magic of friendship!"

He squinted. "I am not afraid of such torture, monster. The Emperor protects, so I have nothing to fear. Your threats are pointless."

"Those two aren't behaving like friends at all," Rarity whispered to Twilight. "Why did Discord bring them here?"

"Shh, I'll ask him later," Twilight said.

"Ohohoh, you must've misunderstood!" Discord said to the man. "Friendship is a good thing!"

"Certainly. Next you'll tell me that love can solve all problems in life. Your lies are truly vile, beast."

Discord sighed and turned to see the ponies. "See what I mean? They are in need of your help!"

"And what is his name, Discord?" Rarity asked.

"My name is Inquisitor Carpathos," the man replied. "I am a faithful servant of the Emperor. My job is to exterminate foul xeno such as you."

"Well that's not very nice!" Pinkie said.

"You haven't even heard of my information extraction methods yet. They are certainly not very nice at all, xeno," he said, frowned and turned to look at Discord. "These are xeno, right? I do not wish to anger any Grey Knights. Last time I accidentally killed a daemon they threw eggs at my house."

"Yes, yes, they're not demons-"

"Daemons," he corrected.

Discord rolled his eyes. "Daemons. They're 'xeno' as you like to call them."

"Good. But first things first, send me back to my home, or I'll make sure Castellan Crowe gives you a back massage with his sword."

"Discord!" Fluttershy said. "You didn't abduct that poor creature from his home, did you?"

He chuckled nervously. "Uh, no, of course not! He's just joking around! Oh, Carpathos, you silly prankster!"

"Filthy liar," Carpathos muttered. "You're lucky I'm part of the Ordo Xenos and not a Daemonhunter. Speaking of, perhaps I should first conduct field research on these xeno so we can learn to kill them more efficiently..."

Furor snored, and Carpathos turned to look at him.

"And why in the Emperor's name is there a berserker snoring on the floor?" he asked.

"Oh, I played a soothing tune with a flute to calm him down and he fell asleep."

He raised an eyebrow. "And it worked? Huh, we should arm Space Marines with flutes, then."

"I'm more confused than a pig in the ocean," Applejack mumbled.

"I think it's time to bring another friend here!" Discord said and snapped his fingers.

A lanky humanoid appeared on a chair. She had long hair and pointy ears. She wore blue robes and examined the room in silence.

"Here's Ushtaal the Warlock!" Discord said.

"These are some truly ugly creatures," she muttered. "Especially you." She pointed at Carpathos.

He scowled. "Disgusting xeno, don't point at me with that creepy finger of yours!"

"Or else?"

"Or else I'll..." he said and moved his hand to his belt. His eyes widened. "Damnation! He took away my meltagun!"

She chuckled. "I'm not afraid of you, barbarian."

"So, are you two excited to befriend each other?" Discord asked.

"No," they both said simultaneously.

"If you weren't keeping my daughter hostage, I would've shot you already," Carpathos said.

"If you hadn't stolen my spirit stone, I would've already fried you with lightning," Ushtaal said.

"Discord!" Twilight shouted. "What on earth have you done? These aren't your friends!"

"Yes they are, Twilight! They just love pranking and fooling around like I do, that's all! Do you think they're being serious? Hahaha, don't be stupid!"

Everyone in the room glared at him. Except Furor, who mumbled "kill kill kill kill" as he slept.

"Uhh... here's another one of my friends!" Discord said with a nervous smile and snapped his fingers.

A female humanoid similar to Ushtaal appeared. She wore dark, spiked armour and had an exotic haircut. Her skin was pale white and a skull hanged from her belt.

She blinked a few times before saying "Am I hallucinating or is this just another horrific nightmare? Either way, I am pleased!"

Ushtaal rolled her eyes. "Oh no, it's you."

The other woman turned to look at her and grinned. "Ah, if it isn't Ushtaal! How are you, my 'beloved' sister?" she said and punched her lightly on the shoulder. Except she didn't punch lightly at all and her gauntlet was spiked.

Ushtaal winced in pain. "Augh! Stay away from me, you savage degenerate! You are no longer my sister!"

She chuckled. "Whatever you say, sister," she said and kicked her in the shin.

"And this is Raxon," Discord said. "She... likes to hurt others."

"Hey you, catch this!" Raxon said and threw a knife at Fluttershy.

She yelped and lowered her head. The knife hit the wall.

"Where did you find a knife?" Discord asked with a scowl.

"It was on the table. Here, have this!" she said and threw a fork at him.

He dodged it. "See Twilight? My friends really need your help!"

Twilight sighed.

"Here's one more!" he said and snapped his fingers.

A hulking green humanoid appeared on one of the chairs. He wore scraps of metal and leather rags.

"Oi, what's this?" he asked as he looked around the room. "Some kinda party?"

"Yes, actually!" Pinkie said with a gleeful smile.

"Rwahahaha, Kranutz loves parties! When will da fightin' begin?"

"Fighting?" Pinkie asked.

"Yup! Ain't this a good ol' figthin' party? Can't wait to crack some stinkin' skulls and clobber some gits!"

"Uh, no, this isn't one of those kinds of parties," Pinkie mumbled in shock.

"A disgusting ork?" Ushtaal said. "Keep its despicable hands away from me!"

"Well, at least there's one thing we agree upon," Carpathos said. "Orks are disgusting."

"Of course we agree. Barbarians often take cue from superior beings," she said.

Carpathos scowled.

Raxon punched the ork with her spiked fist. "Hey ugly one, can I hurt you a little? And by that I mean a lot."

"Rwahaha! A tiny elf punchin' me? Sure, show me what ya got, pointy-eared git!"

"No fighting!" Discord shouted. "Calm down, each and every one of you! Behave like proper guests!"

Twilight rubbed her eyes and sighed. "This is going to end horribly," she muttered.

"One more friend, and that's all!" Discord said to the ponies, chuckling nervously, and snapped his fingers.

A lanky humanoid with grey skin and no nose appeared on the last vacant chair. She had a vertical slit on her forehead and her face was entirely expressionless.

She looked at everyone in the room. "This... is an interesting gathering, to say the least."

"Thank Celestia, she's not a psychopath!" Rarity said.

"Now, how many of you are citizens of the Tau Empire who have embraced the ideal of the Greater Good?" she asked.

The others glanced at each other, raised eyebrows or frowned.

"Aha. Have any of you ever even heard of the Greater Good?"

The ponies shook their heads while the others remained silent.

"Well, now is an excellent opportunity to learn about the ideals of my nation! I assure you that each of you will abandon your inferior morals after my extensive presentation. Except you, barbaric ork, I ask you to leave."

"I ain't goin' anywhere, greyskin," he said. "Wanna do sum fightin'?"

"So, everybody, this is... uh, what was your name again?" Discord said.

"My name is Por'vre Tash'vaar Niho'ner Poron'sha An'sai," she said calmly.

Discord blinked a few times. "Uh, very well. Can we call you 'Por'vre'?"

She sighed. "No, that is my caste designation. You may call me 'Niho'ner'."

"Yup, every single one of them is crazy," Rainbow mumbled. "This is gonna be a ton of fun."

"Discord," Twilight said, "we need to talk."

A Wonderful Mane And A New Car

Twilight walked to the door leading out of the dining room and stopped. She turned to look at her friends. "Keep the... guests entertained while I talk with Discord, alright?"

"Sure," Rainbow said with a nervous smile and glanced at the eccentric visitors. "Yeah, it's gonna be fine. Don't worry about it."

"I'm sure some good ol' apple pie made by the Apple family will calm 'em down!" Applejack said.

"I'm scared," Fluttershy mumbled as Raxon leered at her,revealing her sharp teeth.

"Let's get this party started!" Pinkie screamed and took out her party cannon, blasting confetti into the air.

"Yeah! Let's begin da figthin'!" Kraknutz said happily and punched Raxon.

"See? It's gonna be fine!" Rainbow said with a sarcastic tone as Raxon kicked Kraknutz in the knee.

Twilight sighed. "If you need any help, tell me." She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. The glittering hallway was empty and silent. She frowned and said "Discord? Where are you?"

She took a few steps forward and looked around herself.

"Princess Twilight!" Celestia said with a harsh tone.

Twilight yelped and turned around. The white alicorn stood before the door, sternly looking at her, her head slightly tilted backwards.

She smiled nervously. "Oh, haha, hi, Celestia! I... didn't expect you to come here! What's the matter?"

"Twilight, I senced a disturbance in the magical aether. Have you been meddling with dimensional portals again? Do you miss your 'boyfriend'?"

"What?" she said, her eyes widened. "How do you know that I-"

"Did you forget that magical realm where you ascended? The one with glowing screens? I have the keys to that place, and I regularly spy om you. I know everything you do."

"Everything?" she said in horror.

"Well, almost everything. I have a nation to govern, you know, so I can't keep an eye on you all the time. So tell the truth, did you bring beings from another dimension to Equestria?"

"No, I didn't! I swear!" she said.

Something shattered in the dining room, followed by loud shouts.

"What was that?" Celestia asked and frowned.

"Uh, nothing!" Twilight said and ran to the door, placing a hoof on it and smiling. "Everything is absolutely fine, and you have no need whatsoever to enter that room! None! At all!"

She glared at her and asked "Then can you tell me who is making that noise?"

Twilight avoided her gaze and chuckled nervously. "Eheh, the girls are just... having fun! That is a fact!"

Somebody screamed.

"That sounded very masculine," Celestia muttered.

"That was... erm, that was Rainbow Dash! Puberty has hit her really hard!"

"Excuse me?"

"Uhh," she sounded and leaned on the door. "Well, you really shouldn't enter! For... very, very good reasons!"

"Twilight, are you lying and hiding something from me?"

"Yes-- I mean no, of course not!" she said and tried to smile.

"You do realize that if you have brought creatures from another dimension without telling me, I must punish you somehow?"

Twilight looked down at her hooves. "Uh..."

"You've never been good at lying, Twiligt. You're only making it worse by doing it."

She crumpled up into a ball on the floor and covered her face with her hooves. "I'm sorry, Celestia, I swear it wasn't me!" she said and closed her eyes.

Celestia chuckled. Then she laughed. With a surprisingly masculine tone. She sounded like John de Lancie laughing.

Twilight opened her eyes and stared at her. Her head had turned brown, her eyes yelow and her horn had been replaced by two other ones.

"Hohohohoho! You should see your face right now!" Discord said and placed a hoof on her shoulder. Or whatever is the horse equivalent of a shoulder, if they don't have them. I don't know, why am I even writing this? I could be writing Adventure Time fanfiction right now! There's no horses there!

"Discord?" Twilight said, her mouth and eyes wide open.

"I fooled you, silly! Ahahahah!"

"That wasn't funny!" she shouted and stood up.

"Then why am I laughing so hard? Ehehehe!" he said and wiped a tear on his cheek.

Twilight glared at him before sighing. "Forget about it, we need to focus. Discord, send those monsters back to their home before Celestia finds out!"

"Oh, by the way, here's the keys to that magical place with glowing screens. I stole it from Celestia's palace when I was subjugating the populace of Canterlot with Tirek." He presented her a golden key with colourful gemstones embedded into it. "Take it to her before she finds out. I feel bad for stealing it! If she asks about the popcorn scattered on the floor, tell her it's a magical anomaly that you're studying fervently."

Twilight looked at it with a raised eyebrow for a moment before taking it. "...Alright. So, are you going to do what I just said?"

"Hm? Send back my friends? Why would I do that? They're having fun!"

Somebody bellowed in the dining room.

"Discord, you're not fooling anyone!" Twilight said.

"Well, I did just fool you! Wasn't I coinvincing?"

"Yes, very," she said with a dry tone and scowled. "Send those monsters away!"

"Would you mind if I stayed in this body for a while? I actually quite like it. Especially this wonderful mane!" He shook his head and fluttered his colourful hair.

"Discord! Focus! You must get those freaks out of here!"

He raised an eyebrow and smiled. "What's that? Is the Princess of Friendship slacking? Oh dear, Princess Celestia will be most displeased when I tell her about it! I bet she will replace you with someone far more competent -- me, Discord! And then, after I've earned eveypony's trust, I'll wait for the perfect moment to strike... and dethrone Celestia, becoming the supreme ruler of all Equestria! Mwahahahahaha!"

Lightning bolts struck out of nowhere as he was surrounded by darkness. His laughter echoed ominously in the hallway.

Twilight stared at him for a while before mumbling "Sometimes I wonder if you've learned anything since your transformation, or if you were reformed at all."

The special effects disappeared as fast as they had appeared. Discord chuckled. "Well, it's not like I'm some kind of cartoon villain who turns good in an instant! Hahah! Much less a carbon copy of an original character from another show!"

"Discord, listen. This is just too much. Those insane... humans, I guess? Need to go. They can't stay here any longer."

"They can't? Huh, when did you become so callous? Those poor beings need some rainbows, happiness and friendship in their miserable lives, and you're just going to send them away?"

"Yes. They're monsters, like I said."

Discord sighed. "Very well, if words won't work, I'll use gifts instead. If you succeed in making these 'monsters' best of friends with each other, not only will you gain my eternal respect... but you'll also get a new car!"

A chrome luxury car appeared in the hallway. "Behold!" Discord said. "Lamborghini Veneno, prized at 4.5 million! It's name means poison, and it's a fitting name for for a vehicle that looks so positively deadly, so undeniably venomous! The Veneno is fast, thanks to its 6.5-liter V12 that spins all the way up to 8,400 rpm to deliver 740 hp and 507 lb-ft, surging the car to 60 mph in 2.9 seconds!"

Twilight made no motion and stared at the metal thing. "...What's a 'car'?" she mumbled and frowned.

Discord rolled his eyes and snapped his finger, making the car disappear in a flash of light. "Ugh, never mind. But I have something else! If you succeed, I'll give you the keys to the library of Babel!"

A silver key appeared in his hoof, its bow shaped like a hexagon.

"With this, you can access the eternal library that contains every book ever made!"

Twilight's eyes sparkled. "Wait, really? Every single book?"

"Yes! So, do we have a deal?"

She furrowed her brow. "Hold on, is there any food there?"

"Uh, no. You could eat books though!"

"I'd... rather not." She was silent for a while. "Discord, I'll agree to do this crazy challenge on two conditions."

"Oh, you do?" he said with a grin. "Well, go ahead!"

"One, if something goes wrong, which it will, you will help us. Two, you'll fulfill my wish."

"Whatever it is, I will fulfill it. Hey, perhaps I should become a professional genie?" he said and stroked his chin.

"Erm... so," she mumbled and looked at the floor. "Could you... could you persuade Celestia to read me a bedtime story? I've dreamed of that ever since I was a filly," she said and blushed.

Discord blinked a few times, staring at her. "...Very well. Wait, do you mean the real Celestia, or me, Princess Dislestia?" He frowned. "Hrm, that sounds like 'dyslexia'... how about 'Celecord'? That sounds better!"

Twilight grimaced. "I'd much rather have the real Celestia, thank you."

"Then it is agreed! You complete my dangerous challenge and prove that you truly are worthy of your lofty -- and corny -- title! I knew you'd do it, Twilight!" He hugged her.

Twilight looked like you did when your obese, wrinkly aunt who was like an ugly version of your beloved mother hugged you that one Christmas day. "Uhh... of course. But don't leave, alright? We might need your help. In fact, follow me, let's go check what's happening in the dining hall. I didn't like those sounds very much..."

"..."

"You can stop hugging me now, Discord. This is creeping me out."