To my ~~mother~~ ~~Spoiled Rich~~ ~~whomever cares~~ ~~Daddy~~ ~~Cheerilee~~ ~~Princess Twilight Sparkle~~ ~~the Cutie Mark Crusaders~~ ~~Silver Spoon~~
To my few and precious friends,
Do you ever feel like this? You all hide it well if you do. I think of any of you, and you’re smiling in my head. It almost makes me happy, before I feel the sharp juxtaposition between us, and it stings so much. I’m really tired. But there’s always so much to do, and so little time for myself. It’s just so hard to do anything. It’s like… What’s the point? I try so hard, but each day is the same. I thought I tried harder, I thought I did better, but at most I manage not to fall farther… Sometimes I wish I could just stop. Just… Give up, and lie down, letting go of everything. I once dreamed. I once was a foalish pony. I dreamed that I could achieve anything I wanted. I dreamed that working harder would mean I could do it. I dreamed that what I was doing was enough. I dreamed I could be happy with myself. I dreamed I could one day escape all this and relax. I dreamed of giving up.
But if life were a dream, I could wait for Luna to zap away all my troubles. I wish anything in my life had such certainty, good or bad. Even my failures being certain would be lovely. Cause’ then, I could fight. Fight that stupid, childish piece of me. Could it even be called hope? It was more like wishful thinking. But here I am, each day wondering what would ruin my next. Or maybe what I would ruin next.
That day of the school elections, you girls gave me so much hope. I wish I could decide on what to feel about it. I hate you three for what you’re doing to me. Every time I see you, every time you look like you’re happy to see me, every time you make me feel like everypony else, you make me delusional. I’m so jealous of you three. I wish I could just be one of you. It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile for being me; I’d love if Diamond Tiara was just some annoying filly I avoided, rather than anything else.
I have to thank you three as well. And Silver Spoon. You let me in. You tease me with your lifestyles, with conversations and smiles and your care. I wonder. Is it just who you are to be somepony who cares about everything, or am I really somepony you care about? I thought no one cared. I’m still pretty sure. I certainly stopped caring about myself long ago. You probably didn’t care to read past the first lines. I wish I could blame you, but I’m not an interesting pony, am I?
I love you girls for everything you do for me. I can feel how hard it must be having to deal with me intruding on your lives each day. I wonder how it feels to have annoyances, rather than hoping the pillars around you throw you a cracker.
I used to be like this. I started like this. No… I was happy before that. I remember being well respected, liked. I remember being the smartest in the class. I remember being the role model. I don’t know how it changed… It just did. It was so confusing not being the smartest or the most popular. I was falling faster than I was understanding what was changing. They all looked down to me then. I was one of the ones grouped together with other failures then. My name was mentioned along with those who I used to look down upon and laugh at how pathetic they were.
So I isolated myself. I decided I didn’t care what they think. I decided I would do whatever I want. I decided I didn’t need anyone else but myself. I don’t know where I’d be without you clinging to me even through this, Silver. I was a nuisance now. A bully. Something the school would be better off without. I had no friends now, that I was certain. Even you didn’t like me that much, did you, Silver?
It hurt. So much. When I realized what I’d done to myself. How could I hope to rebuild bridges I shattered and vandalized? I was a clown. An idiot for wanting everything I cursed myself to lose. When everypony at school could openly insult me and treat me like a disease when I approached, I knew I was buried far too deep by my idiocy. I thought about dying. About how I wouldn’t have to feel the looks of hatred and disgust openly directed towards me. It was so comforting. So tantalizing that there was some way to make myself unable to feel pain again.
But I knew it was just a thought. I could never bring myself to that. So I taught myself to be fine with it. Just… expect less from life. I should be happy with what I have. Certainly, there are ponies that suffer more than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t be sad. I couldn’t be sad that I couldn’t be happy. Just… don’t feel. Don’t care.
But I did care. I still do. Silver Spoon, when you decided you had enough of me, it broke my heart. We supported each other through so much, and then you went with them instead? I thought we were friends! I thought I could depend on you to always be there! But you were like everypony else. I was just that annoying filly you had to put up with, wasn’t I? I trusted you! And you just abandoned ship when I was struggling the most?!
It hurt so much. I went in the schoolhouse, went to my ballots, and there was only one piece of paper. My own! Of course it was my own. Why would I think anyone in the school liked me? I was all alone. I came to piece with that long ago. But where was yours? Why wasn’t your name there beside mine, like you always were? And when I rushed out to ask you… Your face… I hated that face. I saw it everywhere. But now it was yours. The look a Royal Guard would give a petty thief. The look that told me you didn’t care. That I was nothing to you, that I was just an annoyance you were waiting out.
You’re right. You’re always right, aren’t you? You shouldn’t have to deal with my drama. You’re above the problems I cause. The Cutie Mark Crusaders found me the next day, they told me I could change. Cutie Mark Crusaders… you girls are perfect. To think you’d see good in someone like me… It was… incredible. You girls, I can’t deny, are the most important ponies in that schoolhouse. You’re the kindest, the smartest… er, where it counts, and the most complex ponies out of all of them. And you thought I could change. Then certainly… certainly, I could stand up for myself. I could leave behind what that my mother made me. The Cutie Mark Crusaders… my friends?
I’m glad we made up, Silver Spoon. And I’m so sorry, too. Sorry that you have the burden of knowing me. Of trying to be my friend despite everything I push on you. I don’t deserve you, any of you. I’m sorry. So sorry. I wish I wasn’t such a burden. I wish I wasn’t who I am.
I’m so tired. It was great, but in the end, you three could never see me as an equal, could you? Everypony learned to tolerate me. It was wonderful. But I’ve lost my high, I’m seeing things for what they are. They still don’t care about me. You girls let me in, but I know you prefer it when I’m away. I see it when you laugh, when you hug, and I watch from a distance. I see it when you don’t, and I’m here beside you.
Those thoughts I had before, I didn’t think they’d come back. But here I am. Always the loner, worse than third wheel, huh? I thought I dealt with this so long ago. I bottled up my pain, I trained myself to always look confident, always look superior. Then you all had to ruin everything! Your stupid false hopes about being my friend and helping others.
~~stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid~~
I love you girls… I wish I could tell you without making a foal of myself every time. I wish I could talk to you like you to each other. I wish I wasn’t so tired. It eats away at me. My biggest fear. Any one of you… all of you… deciding you’ve had enough of me. Once was enough. Never again, I’d hope. But it's inevitable, isn’t it?
Your ~~friend~~ ~~friend~~ ~~friend~~ ~~friend~~ friend,
Diamond Tiara
Dear Friends,
The last letter was such a stress reliever, to be honest. I didn’t think it would be; I mostly did it on a whim. But then again, I should’ve known lying to myself about how people saw me was always therapeutic, and I heard talking with your friends was a good way to deal with problems.
One day, maybe I’ll talk to one of you. Then again, I’d just be a bother again. I’d hate to make you think I don’t appreciate what you’ve already offered me. I’m probably just greedy, push, demanding… always wanting more…
Remember we used to invite each other over, Silver? Used to do it all the time, definitely the highlight of my days, even if it’d be a nightmare when we parted. I could handle all the yelling, the put-downs to you and me, the disgust in her voice; it was all worth it for the time I got to have with you. You were my escape, even more so than school itself. Everything was nicer when you were around. But at some point, we started doing it less and less. I probably took you for granted, didn’t I? I just couldn’t bottle up all that pain, and you were always a stress relief. Just, in a different way then before. Things kept coming up for why we couldn’t always hang out.
One day, you said no. No excuses, nothing. Just… “No.” I didn’t think anything of it then. But thinking back, your excuses were getting less and less realistic. You were trying to get me to realize you didn’t want to hang out anymore, weren‘t you? I guess I was too clingy, too demanding. I’m really sorry about that. I’m just thankful you always walked with me at school.
You know, we should really hang out again sometime. I mean, we haven’t visited each other in a long time, right? Or maybe one of the Crusaders? I really liked their clubhouse… I wish you girls invited me over again sometime. Then again, all I did there the last time was criticize you… Yikes.
Maybe not. I wouldn’t want to intrude on whatever you girls do outside of school. I bet you three already regret making friends with me, huh? You just wanted me to get off your back. I mean, who wouldn’t? But now that you have your cutie marks, I don’t really have anything on you. You girls are just too nice to cut me off, aren’t you? I better not push it, right?
I wonder, what do you girls do after school now? I think I asked you before, but you weren’t really willing to tell me. I swear, I don’t know anything about you girls! I try! I really do, I try to make small talk, I try to get to know you better, but no one’s willing to tell me anything! Oh look, it’s Diamond Tiara! Let’s just ignore when she’s talking! I mean, why should we pay attention? You think you’re just so much superior now that you’ve gotten your cutie marks and you’re more popular in school?
I’m probably imagining things. Mother’s calling. I think I’ll ask Silver if we can hang out tomorrow after school. We don’t have that much homework this week, and I don’t think anything important’s coming up around Ponyville. She’ll be sure to say yes. You and I’ll catch up, hang out, just like old times! See ya tomorrow!
Love,
Diamond Tiara
ugh mother is such a !!!!!!
You said no. That’s fine, had a relative over, bad timing. Makes sense, stuff happens! Ran off before I could ask if I could come tomorrow, but you probably didn’t want to be late and miss your cousin. I get it.
You know, I’m thinking back to the election day again. You mentioned everything I did that day, but there’s a lot more, isn’t there? You probably had so much stuff pent up, I don’t even know. I just wonder sometimes, how horrible was I? All the stuff I did to you, how much did I hurt you? And the Crusaders? I hope you know I regret it everyday. I’m reminded everyday when I see you girls, and I know our friendship is more a formality than anything.
I wish there was really something like a fresh start. But scars run deep, don’t they? How do you suppose I’ll get rid of years of antagonism and hate? How can I tame a beast I’ve beaten over and over? How can I make you girls like me when all you do is run away? Why can’t you see me as anything other than what I was? How am I supposed to change if all you do is see me the same as I was? I hate this! I just don’t understand how you ponies work! I don’t get friendship! I want to, but you ponies never give me a chance! You act like we’re friends, but every time, I’m excluded. Every time, I’m that pony no one invited!
I don’t get social cues. Not in the way I should. My Cutie Mark, when I got it, I was told it was for getting ponies to listen to me. I always noticed subtle things ponies did. Mother taught me what they meant. How I should use that to strike them down before they got me. I hate her. She doesn’t know anything. If not for daddy, she’d be a bitless beggar to be spat on. How daddy deals with her irksome personality, I’ll never know.
Ugh, enough about her. I’ll ask you again tomorrow. She’s only visiting for a day, you said. I’ll hold you to that. Probably wanted to make sure she didn’t stay long enough for me to realize she doesn’t exist. Then we’ll catch up.
Ugh, shut up, mother!
~DT
