PARANOIA:EQUESTRIA

by Opium4TmassS

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Luna, Science Fiction, Comedy
Length: 7042

The mane six must stop yet another plot to destroy all of Equestria. Because C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. said so.

You are mistaken. No one is screaming. Have a wonderful day.

Welcome to Equestria. The Master Computer C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. oversees the land. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. loves you, C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. wants you to love her. The Master Computer C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. wants to be your friend. If you do not want to be her friend then C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. will use you for nuclear shielding.

C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is insane. The ponies of Equestria are insane. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. wants you to be happy. This will drive you insane. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has created special groups of ponies to stop evil called troubleshooters. Troubleshooters find trouble then shoot it. Troubleshooters are given many dangerous and lethal weapons to do this. Often with little to no training or experience. Troubleshooters are routinely shot, blown up, killed, dropped off large cliffs, dipped in acid, and such. Sometimes by their actual enemy. Troubleshooters have so much fun they go crazy. Isn't this fun? C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. says it is. Do you doubt C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A., pony?

Remember:Friendship is Mandatory.

Theirs also some story about Twilight and her friends stopping some plot to destroy Equestria. But mostly it is about Our friend and leader C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. . Good luck and have a wonderful day.

Inspired by the RPG Paranoia

Published 2015-12-04 16:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-13 03:18:18 UTC

CHAPTER: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. says this is much better than having boring old chapters divide up the story. Isn't she right? Do you doubt the wisdom of C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. pony?

CHAPTER: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. says this is much better than having boring old chapters divide up the story. Isn't she right? Do you doubt the wisdom of C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. pony?

EQUESTRIA FUN FACT: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. would like to dispel rumors that the fast food chain SOYLENT PONY uses actual ponies in their making of their food. On a related note. The winners of the mandatory essay contest: "If I was a burger what Kind would I Be?" Please show up in the alley behind SOYLENT PONY at nine a.m. sharp. Minimum dress is advised. And please leave all your valuables at home. On another related note. The flavor of the day at SOYLENT PONY is Bob.

Starlight Glimmer moved from shadow to shadow avoiding large groups of ponies, buildings, windows, ants, the air. Face it everything was dangerous in this Equestria, anything could kill you. But most of all she was afraid of being spotted by C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. or her troubleshooters. She had been lucky for awhile, but her luck could only go so far, sooner or later it would run out. Although she admitted to herself that the computers troubleshooters were dangerously, incompetently, competent. Blowing up entire sections of Equestria to stop one jaywalker. She took some relief in the knowledge that if she had been found right now, Ponyville would probably have been a smoking hole. But it wasn't so she hasn't been...yet.

Starlight Glimmer took more comfort in the fact that a lot of the monitors and not-so hidden cameras have been removed by the high programmers for vlogs. and the ability to watch Sunday night hoofball in high definition. Making it a little easier to not being detected.

"Halt." said a voice near her. "Identify yourself citizen."

In the middle of the dirty empty street, was three young ponies, A unicorn, a pegasus, and a earth pony. All of them wore a red cape with the symbol of a giant eyeball with a white Alicorn in the center. The symbol for C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.

"Who are you and what are you doing?" asked a young filly with a red mane.

"Me? I'm walking." said Starlight Glimmer. "What are you doing out here."

"I'm Apple Bloom clone number 1, this is Sweetie Belle clone number 1, and over their is Scootaloo clone number 3." said Apple bloom.

"Clone number three?" asked Starlight Glimmer.

"I'm a little clumsy." said Scootaloo sadly looking down.

"And were..."

"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!" They shouted in unison.

"Were going to get our cutie mark in spotting traitors for C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.." said Sweetie Belle.

"Also for every ten E.L.M.S. you turn in you get a free small ice cream cone at SOYLENT PONY." said Scootaloo. "Todays flavor is Bob."

"Well...that's very commendable of you." said Starlight Glimmer. Nervously backing up. "C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is certainly lucky to have such loyal ponies like you."

"I know." said Sweetie Belle excitedly. "Did you know my sister Rarity is one of C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.'s top troubleshooters?"

"Oh really? I did not know that."

"Yes she is. Granted all she does is dress up the evil Luna mutant sympathizers before they are killed. But still she is one of the Elements of Harmony."

"Well congratulations." said Starlight Glimmer. hoping that if she kept them talking they wont notice it when she made her break. "Which element does she represent?"

"Why generosity of course." said Sweetie Belle. "She is always giving me things. Almost all of it is junk and totally useless, and my room is so full of her garbage that I have trouble getting in or out. But its the thought that counts. Hopefully one day she will give some thought as to what she is giving me."

"Well that's great to hear and stuff but I really must be going." said Starlight Glimmer moving herself around the three young ponies. "It was a pleasure meeting you."

"Hold on." said Apple Bloom narrowing her eyes. "Your acting pretty suspicious to me. All this talking and friendliness."

"Isn't that the motto of Equestria." said Starlight Glimmer. "Friendship is Magic. It says so when you enter. Right in-between the nuclear missile launchers. It also says any pony caught using magic will be executed."

The three ponies went into a huddle. Starlight glimmer couldn't understand what they were talking about. but she knew it wasn't good. "Well I'm sorry I can't stay and play with you longer but I must be going." she said walking past the young fillies. "Hopefully I'll see you again soon."

"Ma'am your going to have to come with us." said Scootaloo in her serious voice. "Were going to have to take you to C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.'s interrogation funplex on suspicion of being an evil Luna mutant sympathizer." As the other two ponies jumped around in a circle chanting. "WERE GOING TO GET OUR CUTIE MARK! WERE GOING TO GET OUR CUTIE MARK!"

Starlight Glimmer was about to brush off the CMC and continue on her way, figuring that the worst they could do was whine. When she saw that she was looking down the barrel of a laser gun pointed at her face. All three of them had weapons pointed at her.

"Now are you going to let us shoot you and then come quietly with us. or are we going to have to shoot you again after that?" Sweetie Belle holding a laser rifle with a smile on her face.

For the first time in a long time Starlight Glimmer was speechless. "W-W-Wear did you all get your weapons?" she finally said.

The three ponies looked at each other for a moment before shrugging. "School." They replied in unison.

"Isn't that a missile launcher?" she asked. Pointing at Scootaloo.

"Isn't is cool?" she said. "Our teacher gave it to me as a prize for my essay 'How many Traitors I will bring to C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. when I grow up.' "

"Oh." said Starlight quietly as her mind rocketed through, looking for a way out of this.

"Now just walk in front of us as we head down to the Funplex. Walk way in front of us as a matter of fact." said Apple Bloom.

"She's not kidding about that," said Scootaloo. "Don't want to get caught in the back blast when I shoot at you when you try to run."

"Who says I'm going to try to run? You have a MISSLE LAUNCHER POINTED AT ME!"

"Awwww..." the three of them said looking disappointed. "We never get to use our weapons on live targets."

"Oh look over their." Starlight Glimmer said. As an idea was forming. "Look at that blind blue filly making snowflakes. Pretty suspicious if you ask me."

The CMC looked at her, then at the young pegasus making the snowflakes.

"She is right." said Apple Bloom, "Who makes snowflakes in todays world."

"GET HER!" shouted Sweetie Belle rubbing her hooves together. "Maybe she will put up a fight and I'll finally be able to shoot somepony."

"WE'RE GONNA GET OUR CUTIE MARK! WE'RE GONNA GET OUR CUTIE MARK!" The three chanted forgetting Starlight as they rushed off towards the blind pegasus.

"That was a bit harsh don't you think?" said Discord appearing above Starlight. "Selling that pony out to save yourself." Discord floated down to the ground and stood next to Starlight.

"Your the one that made this mess to begin with." Starlight Glimmer retorted. "Hopefully once we get everything fix. It will all go back to normal."

"It did seem like a good idea at the time. Although I do admit it has gone way out of control even for me. I the spirit the chaos even finds this place too much." Discord paced back and forth nervously. "I probably shouldn't have found that time traveling spell of yours and messed with it."

Starlight Glimmer glared at Discord. "You think?"

"Don't look at me like that Starlight." said Discord. "I'm in the same boat as you. "Who knows what they will do to me if C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. ever caught me. Nothing nice I assure you." Discord paused for a moment as he thought. "But the question remains, what do we do now?"

"Only thing we can do. Find Luna and hopefully she can help us end this mess." said Starlight Glimmer as they started to walk on.

Chapter: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has heard that their might be some ponies unhappy about how the chapters are done now. Please direct all complaints on the console in the Funroom above the shark tank. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is eager to listen.

EQUESTRIA FUN FACT: Most Sciences have been replaced with the new official field of study called Voodoo Science. The application is simple for every problem you have, just throw chicken blood on it, and the solution will appear.

"The more we come here, the more I'm certain Troubleshooter H.Q. is becoming more like a circus." said Twilight Sparkle.

"Twilight stop being so ridiculous." said Pinkie Pie as a pony dressed in clown makeup, gave her a cone of cotton candy. "This is Troubleshooter Headquarters. They take threats very seriously."

The mane six ducked and weaved around the jugglers, magicians, and clowns that crowded around the entrance to the briefing room. It was pretty hectic, but Twilight did have some time to admire the Trapeze act. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. in her infinite wisdom felt that a major uplifting was needed to help change the atmosphere of depression that clouded the place, and also to overshadow the fact that the average lifespan of a troubleshooter can be counted in the milliseconds.

The group was ushered to the briefing room. It was a bare, plain, white room with six seats placed in front of a giant screen showing a giant eye with a silhouette of an alicorn for the iris.Two laser batteries were attached to the ceiling, on them were hung the sign that read: THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! Next to the screen stood a yellow pony with a brown mane dressed in white, meaning he had ultraviolet security clearance. The highest available there is to a pony.

The troubleshooters entered with each one hoping that the cannon wasn’t locking onto them, as they each took a seat.

“Greetings and welcome troubleshooters.” said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. “Is everypony ready for some fun?”

“Yes C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.!” they said in unison. As they found their seats.

The pony who had been watching them started to moved while he spoke.”For the record please state your name,your job on the team. and the element you represent.”

“Twilight Sparkle, clone number 5,463,282, I am the team leader, and I represent the element of magic.” she said as she ducked for cover from the blast.

“Traitor!” said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. “Please execute yourself on the count of three. One, two thr…”

“Wait!” screamed Twilight Sparkle. “I am a registered user of magic. See the yellow bars on my jumpsuit.” crawling out from behind the chair to show them. “Look! See! And you put your guns away as well!” she said pointing at the other members of her team.

Twilight climbed into her chair while mumbling about how this happens every time.

“Next.” called the High Programmer.

“Rainbow Dash, clone number 8,432,113. I am the loyalty officer of the group.” she said. “Also my Element is loyalty.

“Rarity, clone number 5,078,899. I am the hygiene officer. My element if generosity.” she said handing the High Programmer a cup. “I found this on the ground so I want you to have this.”

“Um okay...next.”

“Pinkie Pie, clone number 20,643,670. I am the happiness officer and my element is laughter

“Applejack, clone number 5,789, 939. Communications and recording officer. Also my element is honesty.”

“Fluttershy, clone number 3,688,756. Equipment pony, kindness is my element.”

“And who among the group would you say is the most loyal?” said the High Programmer, watching each ponies hand shoot up. “And who among you would you say would be the first one to be a traitor for the evil Luna mutant sympathizer?” He watched five of the ponies point to Pinkie, except for Pinkie who pointed at herself. "Pinkie."

"Yes?"

"When the mission is over please execute yourself."

"Okie dokie loki." she replied saluting. "I always have to execute myself after the missions."

"Now that that is out of the way." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. "You are my best and most loyal team of troubleshooters..."

"Yay!"

"...Except for Pinkie Pie."

"Awww."

"Who has faithfully served Equestria in stopping the onslaught of LUNA..."

"BOO!" the ponies said.

"...and her evil mutant sympathizers..."

"BOO!"

“...Well once again she is terrorizing the land of Equestria. Threatening us all.”

“GASP!” they all said.

The ponies stood there and waited, and waited some more, and waited yet a little bit longer for a response from C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A..

“So?” said Fluttershy. “Just what is the threat?”

“Or the mission?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“What is your security Clearance citizen?”

“Red.”

“I’m sorry but that information is unavailable for those with not the proper clearance.”

“But the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Indeed.”

“And all the Ponies living here, their lives could be at stake?”

“Yeap.” C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. said cheerfully.

“But were not allowed to know due to not having the proper clearance.”

“That is correct citizen pony. Won't this be a lot of fun?”

“I swear!” yelled Applejack as she stood up. “If Twilight Sparkle becomes an Alicorn I'm leaving the group!”

“She’s already an alicorn.” said Rainbow Dash.

“What?”

“Yes been one for years.” said Rarity.

“Yes I have.” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh….never mind.” said Applejack sitting back down again.

"Now before I send you down To Research and Development for you neat new weapons." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A., "Our R&D team has cooked up something so new and exciting we just had to show you hear."

"Indeed friend computer." said the High programmer walking over to the tarp. What we have here is the next generation of cloned pony. I'd like to introduce you to your seventh member of your team, or as we call her FP389. ver. 2.8." He finished as he whipped the tarp off FP. Or would have had it not been eating the tarp as it was covered, resulting in some extra effort to get it off the next generation of clone and out of her mouth.

"GASP!" they all gasped. Reading the teleprompter next to the laser cannon.

It was pony shaped, at least. It was also pink, it was fluffy and it stared at the group with a blank expression. It went "Pbbbt." then fell on its face.

"My goodness you are certainly a bunch of lucky ponies to be getting the next generation of pony to field test." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. "Now that we got that out of the way, please head down to R&D for more new and exciting equipment you will be testing for this mission. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. out."

"Hail C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A." they all said at once. Except for the fluffy pony who just went "Pbbt" as it laid with its face still on the ground.

"Will somebody get her." said Twilight Sparkle getting herself out of the chair. "We have to bring her with us. Pinky? Rainbow?"

"Fine." The two of them said as they started to push her out of the room and down the hallway, past the entertainers. To the pride of Troubleshooter HQ. The Research and Development room.

The R&D room was located just down the hall from the briefing room. It was a short walk, or would have been had they not had to move around the performers and stop to watch a magician pull a bit out of Twilight's ear. And dragging FP389 didn't help either. Finally after much straining and pulling they reached R&D. Quickly they were ushered inside, by a lowly infrared who directed them further in.

Inside was a huge dark auditorium filled with the many citizens of Ponyville, sitting down and waiting. At the end was a stage covered with a rich red velvet curtain. Their was a general hum of mild conversations going on as everyone waiting for it to get going. Twilight Sparkle and her team was led to their seats in the middle. They didn't have too long to wait as the lights grew darker still with spotlights flashing on to roam around the stage curtains as the speakers roared to life.

"MARES AND STALLIONS, FILLIES AND COLTS, LOYAL CITIZENS AND EVIL LUNA MUTANT...."

"BOO!"

"...SYMPATHIZERS! WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF: 'WHAT DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTAL WEAPON WILL I USE ON MY ENEMIES!'"

The crowd roared to life with expectation as the spotlights focused on the middle of the stage. The Curtains rose up before them disappearing into the ceiling. As the Announcer continued on.

"AND HERE IS YOUR HOST OF IT ALL CCCCHHHEEESSSEEEE SSSSAAANNNNDDDWWWHHHHIIICCCHHHH! And that other pony."

Like the professional he was, he stepped out from the side of the stage as the crowd went wild. Dressed in a yellow jumpsuit, he was escorted by his co-host Trixie who was dressed in a luxurious blue gown. And by luxurious I meant awful. The designer had probably heard the term sex-appeal. But probably thought it was something that applied to clams. The dress was had curves and style, unfortunately not for ponies, or anyone who had more than one leg, or any leg, or was a different species, or had a head. But she wore it proudly anyway.

Overlapping the narration was Countess Coloratura's newest hit single: "HELP! HELP! C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is making me sing songs and she wont let me stop! I'm tired and hungry! If you hear this please rescue me! I'll send you my location in the next single."

"Thank you! Thank you!" he said as he walked towards the center of the stage. "And give a hand for the great and beautiful Trixie as well."

The audience roared as the two host walked. Twilight and her group of troubleshooters yelled with the rest of the audience. Except for FP389 who held up a sign that said: 'GIVE ME YOUR FIRST BORN VAT-CHILD!'. And Fluttershy who also held a sign as well. Hers read: 'C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. 38:55'

"What does that even mean?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"I don't know but I seen ponies hold signs like this before and I didn't want to be left out."

"Now then. Let's welcome our first contestants. TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND HER GROUP OF TROUBLESHOOTERS COME ON DOWWWWWNNNNNNN!"

The group of troubleshooters jumped up and down in excitement as they headed towards the stage. The spotlight followed them making everything hard to see, making them stumble a lot to their destination. Getting close, they barely saw stairs extended outwards giving them the help they needed to get up. Clapping and Laughing they hugged Cheese Sandwich as he set them single file in a line from each other.

The stage lights grew brighter, finally able to see everything that was on it. They noticed more curtains at the end of it, Obscuring what was behind them.

"C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has assigned you a dangerous mission for the sake of all of Equestria." said Cheese Sandwich. Shoving his mic into Twilight's face. "Isn't it true?"

"OOOO" the crowd OO'd on command. With prompting from Trixie.

"I'm sorry your security clearance doesn't allow divulging of information." she said automatically to disguise the fact she knew nothing of what she was actually doing."

"Spoken like a true troubleshooter." he said showing off his immaculate white teeth catching the spotlights in them, and permanently blinding the ponies in the first three rows. "Now before you go off and save us all in your extremely difficult and most definitely suicidal mission."

"Suicidal?" asked Rainbow Dash. "No one told us it was suicidal."

"Let's get you decked out in the latest and greatest equipment R&D can give to you." he continued, ignoring Rainbow Dash. "Or something we were just gonna throw away anyway. If you will just follow me please." Cheese Sandwich continued on as he lead them towards the rear of the stage towards the stage. "Here we have given you a choice. You see we have three curtains. Behind each curtain is a weapon of death and destruction towards your enemies..."

"Mostly us though." muttered Applejack.

"Ssshh!" hissed the others in her group.

"...Now which one will you get to pick? Curtain number one? Curtain number two? or Curtain number three?" he said with his limb extended pointing to the curtains. And his other shoving the mic into Twilight's face.

"Ummm..." she said Trying to drown out the help of the unhelpful audience. Most of them were shouting out to take and money and run. "Curtain number two I guess."

"A wise choice." he said while his smile stated otherwise. "Trixie can you show them what they chose."

Trixie swished her hips in an exaggerated manner, in what she thought was being sexy. As she pulled the curtain away to the side, opening it for all to see. Looking dragonish in shape with razor sharp spikes on top of it and a dragon face painted to look more like something that would be fun to have with you. Or at least by someone who really didn't know the definition of fun. Various weapons were attached to it, some with just tape and glue to make it more threatening, not realizing that the face alone was doing a good job. The words: "DEATH FROM C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A." was painted in front, and "FRIENDSHIP is MAGIC!" on the back, it hummed their quietly playing carnival song "It's a C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. World after All."

"IT'S YOUR VERY OWN FUNBOT!" said the announcer as the crowd went wild. "YES WITH OVER FIVE THOUSAND STRATEGIC VARIETIES OF WAYS TO KILL A PONY, ALONG WITH TEN THOUSAND JOKES EMBEDDED INTO HIS MEMORY CORE, AND TWO HUNDRED C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. APPROVED UPLIFTING BATTLE SONGS. THIS LITTLE MONSTROSITY ON WHEELS WILL NOT ONLY PROVIDE ADEQUATE SUPPORT FIRE ON ANY BATTLEFIELD, BUT ALSO HELP KEEP MORALS ON THE UP AND UP. AND HIS NAME IS SPIKE."

"Can we just shoot ourselves right now?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "It will be less painful."

"Now, now." replied Cheese Sandwich. "Self termination is punishable with termination. Thanks again for playing and good luck with your important and almost suicidal mission, you will definitely need it."

With that the group was hastily pushed by security out the side exit where they found themselves piled up on each other in a back alley behind Troubleshooter HQ.

"Want to hear a joke?" asked Spike.

"NOOO!" they screamed in unison. Except for FP389 who just went "PBBT!"

"What did the one E.L.M.S. say to the other?"

The troubleshooters glared at Spike as they tried to untangle themselves.

"Sorry that information is unavailable at your security clearance. HA! An classic but still a good one." It said laughing at its own humor. The shaking of its own body caused one of its own grenades to fall off and roll near the group. Hurriedly the troubleshooter fought with one another to get out of the pile they were in.

Their was a loud BOOM! then just silence and a smoking hole where they once were.

"Soo do we just wait here until the new clones come by?" he asked.

"PBBBBT pbbt pbbt PBBBBBT!" responded FP389.

"Okay then I'll wait here." Spike said. As it started to play 'Pop goes the Traitor."

Chapter: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has noticed that nopony has sent any complaints her way. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. must have imagined it then. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. will continue the chapters as she was doing. Isn't this fun?

Equestria Fun Fact: Being in a secret society is considered a treasonous activity therefore punishable with execution. Conversely all ponies are members of a secret society. Likewise magic is forbidden and any pony caught using magic will be executed. Also all ponies can use magic. If you find this puzzling please apply the Voodoo Science mentioned last chapter on your screen until it all makes sense. You might need a lot of chicken blood for this one.

**One quick dash to their secret society to get information on their mission later**

Twilight Sparkle clone number 5,463,283 ducked for cover behind the remains of the old sludge packing/food storage plant from a barrage of lasers. Using their information, the group tracked Starlight Glimmer to an old toy making plant. The one that made C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. approved cheap knock-off pony dolls of the main six troubleshooters. Not the good ones you're thinking of, but the other ones. With the crappy heads that always came off, that you could never reattach no matter how much glue and tape you put on it. Never mind that the color was always wrong or they all had the same manes, or their cutie marks were sometimes not the right ones, or they didn't have one at all, and let us not forget how they all looked the same. With that iodic expression on their faces. I swear the box was more colorful than the toys that were inside the...Oh...Anyway.

Laser beams pounded the wall Twilight Sparkle and her team was hiding behind, Providing very few openings to return fire. She was prepared for Luna sympathizers. prepared for terrorists, even prepared for a nuclear weapon. But this...This was too much even for her.

"What can we do?" shouted Fluttershy clone number 3,688,757. Firing off A.N.G.E.L.. "We're gonna lose our barrier any minute."

"I don't know! I don't know! How can we fight them." screamed Twilight Sparkle.

"We better think of something really fast." said Rainbow Dash clone number 8,432,114. "They will be here soon."

"Nutzen Sie sie! Die Ponys zu töten." they shouted at the troubleshooters in their strange language.

"Vampire Nazi zombie ponies from Tartarus." said Pinkie clone number 20,643,671. "Who would have thought we would be facing Vampire Nazi zombie ponies from Tartarus."

"Talk about overkill." Twilight said hitting one of them. "I can't think of any worst clique to kill us."

****

"Really?" shouted Starlight Glimmer at Discord. "Vampire Nazi zombie ponies from Tartarus? You the lord of chaos and that was the best you can do?"

The two of them were in the back of the building trying to find the exit. It was a brick wall room, with a couple of forgotten C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. propaganda posters tacked to the walls, and a few barrels marked 'C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. approved toxic waste' scattered around the room. Both of them were trying to open the giant wall cover the two had tracked down that lead to the outside world. To the LUNA pc jr. that they were desperately trying to reach in hope of bringing everything back to normal. Though to be honest, Starlight Glimmer was beginning to lose track of just what was normal anymore. She was starting to feel that the alternate Equestria was getting to her.

"Well don't look at me." said Discord trying to get the metal plate cover opened. "Since we came here my chaos magic isn't working to well. I think because of the insanity already around us is twisting it to even more extremes. I have a sneaky suspicion that this alternate world is sucking up my chaos."

"Wir haben die Ratgeber Miss in die Enge getrieben. Was sind Ihre Bestellungen?" said one of the Vampire Nazi ponies as he saluted to her. "Sie Obiviously kann ein Wort nicht verstehen, was ich sage. wäre es in Ordnung, wenn ich dein Blut trank? Ach und Fluttershy ist das beste pony."

"I can't understand a word he is saying." she said to Discord. "Do you understand what he is saying?"

"Ich möchte dein Blut trinken. Und das Finale zur Saison fünf enttäuscht viele Menschen. Und ich bin ein Gelee-dognut Fräulein ." The pony continued on. "Und der Walking Tot Wird überschätzt."

"Whatever." she said brushing her hoof at him. "Just go do whatever your kind does to stop them. Drink their blood, eat their brains, go nuts."

"Auf einmal Miss Glimmer." the pony said. "Seig Heil." it saluted with a flourish, before marching away to join the battle.

"And a good breakfast to you as well." Starlight Glimmer said sarcastically. "We're not gonna make it." she said turning to Discord. "C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. will find us, and use us to clean their food vats, or execute us for being a traitor. Which might actually be better after seeing their food vats. Were doomed! Both of us!"

"You know a little more positivity would be helpful in this situation." said Discord finding the cover starting to loosen.

"Okay. I'm positive we both are doomed. Their, Is that better?"

"Yes." said Discord. Glaring at Starlight Glimmer.

****

"This is no good." screamed Applejack clone number 5,789,940. "Even when we hit them they still keep coming. Where is Fluttershy?" she asked as she looked around. "We could really use A.N.G.E.L. right about now."

"She is over their." said Rarity clone number 8,432,114. "Trying to fix Spike so he can help us."

Twilight glanced over in the direction Rarity was pointing. She could see Fluttershy holding a wrench repeatedly pounding on Spike's head. Yelling "Work you stupid machine. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Work!"

"Any luck?" Yelled Twilight Sparkle. Ignoring Spikes call for help.

"'WHAM!' Just 'WHAM!' A 'WHAM!" few 'WHAM!' more 'WHAM!' adjustments. 'WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!'" she continued on ignoring the pleas for help and medical assistance. Professional medical assistance.

"Maybe we should call C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. for some help?" offered Rainbow Dash.

"Thank you for your report." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. on their communicator. "Unfortunately your team is not equipped to handle the additional threat. Please do not engage the additional evil Luna mutant sympathizers. Proceed on your original mission. Another mission will be scheduled as soon as possible. Have a wonderful day."

"We're screwed." said Rarity.

"Aw come on." said Pinkie Pie. "Turn those frowns upside-down. As your happiness officer it is my job to ensure your moral is on the up and up."

"But we're going to die!." said Applejack. "Again!"

"No reason to be all frowny face, remember bad morals make a bad mission. So who wants to sing the smile song with me?" she said, ignoring the looks on their faces.

"Come on everypony smile, smile, smile. Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine." Pinkie sang to the horrified group as they huddled behind the rapidly disintegrating barrier. And also to hold onto Rainbow Dash to keep from trying to jump over the wall into the path of the lethal laser.

****

"Was damit zum Teufel sind sie? Singen sie?" asked one of the Nazi ponies. Hearing the song from Pinkie. "Warum sind sie singen Lieder in einer Zeit wie diese? Die man von ihnen tut es?"

"Die diejenige, die rosa wie Power Rangers ist. Denken Sie daran, die zeigen? Der gelbe war mein Favorit." said another. Stopping to answer.

"Was! Die weiße Ranger war das beste, er hatte die coolsten Zoar. Sie wissen nicht, was Sie reden!" A third one replied angrily. Joining in the conversation.

The group watched the enemy ponies argue angrily over whatever it was they were arguing about. They really didn't understand any of it. "Maybe we can sneak away while their fighting? whispered Applejack. "We can tell C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. they ran away and we lost them."

"SSSHH!" said FP389 suddenly appearing in front of the group. They wondered just where she had been the entire time. When before anyone could ask she leaped over the wall, heading straight towards their enemies.

Author's Note:Due to the teen rating we have to maintain we cannot talk about the upcoming scene. Because of this, we will not talk about the mountains of blood being spilt, nor shall we talk about all those flying heads, the body parts being tossed around like a discarded doll with screams of pain and mercy filling the air.

Instead I want you to fill your mind with a beautiful image of a rolling field of grass with a beautiful lake in the middle, A majestic deer enters to take a sip from this pristine lake...FP389 smiled evilly as she slowly lowered the chainsaw onto the screaming vampire Nazi zombie pony from Tartarus as he begged in his strange language...Whoopsie! One got through, my bad. Puppies! Picture of a group of puppies running around your yard doing all sorts of adorable things. Okay the scene should be over now, we shall return you to the story as it continues on...

Rainbow dash put her hooves over her mouth as she fought the urge to get sick. While the rest of the ponies watched FP389 with a horrified expression on their faces. To stunned to say anything, they were stuck to the ground watching the gore splattered FP389 stand quietly in the center of the carnage and munch on a piece of cloth somehow acquired.

"Is-Is everypony okay?" asked Twilight. Trying to get control of herself. "Everyone sound off."

"Fluttershy here. I'm good."

"Rainbow Dash. Still here."

"I can still see it with my eyes closed."

"Applejack. Still in one piece."

"Rarity."

"Good." said Twilight, "Let's take a moment to regroup then will charge the old building."

"Cupcake?" Pinkie Pie offered to the group.

"Umm...this time yes." said Rainbow Dash as they all took a piece.

****

"They stopped them all." said Starlight Glimmer almost shouting she felt. "In a moment they will be here. Can you conjure a cyanide pill or something." She was nearly hysterical and she felt the waves of panic roll through her.

"Calm down." said Discord. Feeling the bolts that attached the cover to the wall finally start to give way. "I think..I almost...GOT IT!" he finished as the metal piece flew off the wall landing on the ground with a loud bang. "HA! I knew I would get this opened." he slightly bowed as he thrust his hand out. "After you m'lady." he said mockingly.

The tunnel was long and dark, disappearing into the blackness before the two. "Where does it lead to?" she asked.

"Away from here, and one step closer to Luna and fixing all of this. That's all that matters."

With a silent prayer to whoever might be listening. Starlight Glimmer climbed into it and crawled into the blackness, vanishing she crawled on, with a dragonesque following her. Into the complete darkness.

CHAPTER: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. doesn't like chapters. They confuse C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. So every chapter will now be redone. C.E.L.S.T.I.A. says you will like this.

CHAPTER: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. doesn't like chapters. They confuse C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. So every chapter will now be redone. C.E.L.S.T.I.A. says you will like this.

EQUESTRIA FUN FACT: Nineteen squirrels, Three monkeys, Five Donkeys and a Turtle named Fred, form the core to C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. right backup memory emergency system.

It might have been a dark and stormy night. It might have been a bright and sunny day. It might have been a day with floating kittens from a higher dimension destroying all life as we know it. It was hard to tell what kind of day it was in Equestria. Being deep underground in the Ponyville complex, where all pony life now resides under the benevolent eye of the Master Computer C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. The best computer EVER! And I'm not just saying this because she has very dangerous weapons pointed at me as I write this story.

In one room off in the department of Rainbows and Sunshine. Six sleeping ponies were contained in various containers forming a semicircle in the room. Except for the constant whirling of machines running constantly, their was no other sound. Slowly the lights began to flicker on as the room began to become alive. Generators began to spin, computers started to boot up.

Their was the sound of someone one saying "Oops!" as several ponies ran screaming from the room when small fire erupted. The preventative maintenance special operations team, once again prevented the maintenance from doing its job. After a few moments the room went silent again as everything turned itself off. This continued for several more minutes, until a rather nervous pony entered. Wild-eyed he scanned around, looking for anything dangerous as he crept further and further in the room, until he approached the console in-between the sleeping ponies. Gathering his courage he gave the computer a swift kick before running out of the room.

The excitement was broken by nothing actually exciting happening. After a short while the pony entered again. Grumbling to himself he walked over the same console to give it another swift kick. Unfortunately he picked that time to spontaneously combust. Which is a strange phenomenon that happens quite regularly in Equestria. This phenomenon has nothing to do with that smoking laser cannon attached to the ceiling that cannot distinguish friend from foe. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. said it was so. So it must be true.

After a few more excitingly unexciting minutes the laser cannon fell from the ceiling and shattered to the ground near the console giving the kick it needed to activate. Once again the room came to life. Slowly the pod doors opened with a small hiss of gasses escaping as the six ponies exited the cloning pod.

"What happened?" Asked Twilight Sparkle, clone number: 5,463,281. As she yawned and stretched.

"We all died again," replied Rarity, clone number: 5,078,898. Emerging from her cloning pod, "stupid malfunctioning burner did it."

"Thank goodness being C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.'s top troubleshooters has granted us unlimited clones," said Fluttershy clone number: 3,688,755, "Most other ponies have to make do with six."

"Well if you ask me, I wonder if that would be such a bad thing," said Applejack, clone number 5,789,936, "I'm not sure if I'm liking this continuously dying and then coming back with all the memories of your last death."

Their was a bright red flash as Applejack chose that time to spontaneously combust as well, leaving a small pile of ash where she once stood. Their was the a dinging sound as Applejack's pod opened up again. "I take it back! I take it back!" Said Applejack, clone number: 5,789,937 rapidly, "I have no problems with that. I am eager to serve C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. as an Element of harmony troubleshooter at any time.

"I just want to know one thing," said Rainbow Dash, clone number: 8,432,112, "Just where are those evil Luna mutant sympathizers, and where do I point my weapons?"

"Cupcake?" offered Pinkie Pie, clone number: 21,643,669, to Rainbow Dash as she stepped out of her clone tube holding a cupcake in her hoof.

"Why are you always asking me that?" Asked Rainbow Dash, "For the last time the answer is no."

"Please stop trying to offer Rainbow cupcakes Pinkie," said Twilight rubbing her temple, "we still haven't found the clone from that one time when she took you up on that offer."

"I'm sure she's around here somewhere," said Pinkie all smiles, "oh I wonder what Super Duper mission C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. will have us do today?"

"As long as it is fashionable I'm up for it," said Rarity, "you can always spot the evil Luna mutant sympathizers or E.L.M.S.. They have the worst taste in fashion."

"I'm just happy they let me take A.N.G.E.L. with me," said Fluttershy holding a white fluffy weapon of mass destruction. Their are no words to describe the lethal appearance of it. But it did have rabbit ears on it, if that helps any. "I wouldn't know what I'd do with myself without him," she continued on squeezing the weapon harder. Their was a loud pop as the weapon fired off a round that hit the ceiling with a rather impressive light display.

"Fluttershy," said Twilight while parts of the ceiling gently floated to the ground around her. "What did we tell you about the safety catch?"

"Sorry Twilight. I promise it wont happen again."

"That's what you said last time," retorted Applejack, "remember when you destroyed Section Eight? You promised you wouldn't..." her sentenced was hard to hear as she chose that moment to spontaneously combust a second time. Their was a loud ding as the cloning pod opened up once again.

"STOP THAT!" Yelled Applejack, clone number: 5,789,938, to Fluttershy.

"I'm sorry I just can't help it," said Fluttershy as she grasped A.N.G.E.L. even tighter. "He's just ssssooooo huggable."

The other five, with surprising speed hit the ground in unison. Waiting for the whatever part of the room she will destroy happen. They were all hoping it wasn't the one they were lying down on.

"Good Morning all," came a motherly voice overhead, "are we all ready to have fun today."

"Good morning C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. Yes C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.." They said in unison.

"Who is all ready for some fun today?" Asked the computer.

"We are C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A."

"You know who doesn't like fun?"

"The evil Luna mutant sympathizers."

"And?"

"Ponies who don't listen to you C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. "

"Good! Good! Now we have a fun filled mission of the utmost urgency for you," said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. happily.

"Is it going to be one of those fate of Equestria hangs in the balance mission?" Asked Pinkie Pie.

"What is your security clearance citizen?"

"Umm red."

"I'm sorry that information is unavailable at your security clearance," said the computer as she continued, "now you need to head to the briefing room as fast as possible. The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance."

"Yes computer," they all said in unison.

"Great," said Rarity pouting, " I don't have anything to wear for those kinds of mission. I suppose I should stop by the boutique and whip up something."

"This will be awesome," said Rainbow Dash excitedly, "I bet I destroy more E.L.M.S. than anyone else."

"Cupcake?" Offered Pinkie to Rainbow Dash.

"Sure," said Rainbow Dash as she took the treat and ate it.

"Okay girls we need to get ourselves organized and move out," said Twilight Sparkle, "Pinkie you take point. Applejack your recon. Rarity."

"I get to kill something for a change?" Asked Rarity.

"No I want you to go with Aj, If you meet any E.L.M.S. I want to make it fashionable, then we'll kill it. Everyone ready? Rainbow Dash? RAINBOW DASH!"

Rainbow Dash hovered their as she slipped into unconsciousness.

"Pinkie what did I say about giving Rainbow Dash cupcakes," yelled Twilight.

"Sorry Twilight."

Rainbow fell back down to the ground with a crash, except she missed the ground and hit Fluttershy instead. In shock Fluttershy accidently powered up A.N.G.E.L.. Twilight watched in fear as the white glow from A.N.G.E.L. grew brighter and brighter.

"Correction," said Twilight Sparkle, "Once our clones are activated we move out."

The white glow enveloped the entire room as everything in it suddenly decided to spontaneously combust. Just one of those things.