Rough Sketch’s Cheery Hearth’s Warming Eve Collection
Enjoy!
Daring Do and the Mildly Annoying Fan
Rainbow Dash had just concluded Daring Do and the Temple of Nightmare Moon, the paperback so unliked by the series’ fandom that it was withdrawn from shelves a week after its debut. Unlike Daring’s sixteen other books, the Temple of Nightmare Moon was full of graphic gore and intense violence. At first, Rainbow hated it. Her opinion changed, however, when she realized that she could read it to Scootaloo, another fan of the series. Man, Scoots hadn’t been able to sleep for days.
Rainbow allowed herself a laugh. Then a nap. Ten hours of reading in bed made a pony tired. When she woke up, she found herself in her bed, surrounded by her best friends, the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony. “Rainbow….Rainbow… We got you a present!” Twilight’s voice boomed into the ears of the sleeping pony. “Dang it! Who’s there!” Rainbow screamed, grasping for the stick she kept hidden in her mattress. “Show yourself! I’m armed!” “Argh!!! Rainbow, what was that!” Twilight yelped in pain as the wooden rod hit her in the knee. “Sorry, ladies. I was just really tired last night and I…………” Dash’s excuses fell short on Rarity’s disapproving glance. “Anyway……Dashie, we got you a gift.”
“Can I take it? Let me take off the wrapping paper.” Dashie was unable to appreciate the fact that the wrapping paper was Fluttershy’s Favorite™ brand. Rarity and Fluttershy exchanged a knowing glance. “OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!” Rainbow squealed, ecstatic. “You got me tickets to Daring Do’s lecture on Equinology in CANTERLOT?” Twilight thought she would never see Dash get so excited about a lecture.
Thoughts raced through Dash’s head as she rode the train. Was Daring going to be as awesome as she imagined her? Were the unicorns going to be stuffy and uptight? Will Twilight buy something at the gift shop? The last question bleated in her head like a sheep. Dash decided to examine her surroundings. Twilight was glued to Tetris on her Gamecolt. She had been taking a break from books on the trip, on the logic that a lecture would count toward her studies. Rarity had her sketchpad out, creating dramatic new designs for dresses, most impractical, but some were quite ingenious. Fluttershy was practicing her singing in the caboose of the train, after Applejack had politely asked her to sing in another car. Speaking of which, Applejack was sitting on the floor, eating an apple and reading 101 Ways to Renovate a Barn. Finally, Pinkie Pie was sleeping, sprawled about on the ground. The poof of her hair had flattened to a regular fiber, and mysterious letter Z’s appeared over the earth pony’s head. Dash fell asleep, regaining the rest she lost from the mediocre novel.
When the train pulled into Canterlot station, each pony was thoroughly exhausted. Rainbow was awake enough to stumble to the coffee shop in the station, and get each Element a whole pot. That woke them up.
The streets seemed to go on forever. When the Elements had finally made it to the lecture hall, it felt as though they had walked the perimeter of Equestria.
The marble lecture hall was a great sprawling castle. Every single turret and wall was massive, easily twenty times the size of the average pony. When Dash walked up the imposing steps, she found herself in a large, marble room with an oak floor. A bored earth pony with a dark green coat sat behind a desk, punching tickets for the unicorns ahead of the Mane 6. Dash handed her ticket. “Thanks. Enjoy the lecture” the earth pony mentioned, with a small hint of envy.
“Quiet! Daring’s coming on stage!” Rainbow Dash held in her highest fangirl squeal for the pony, the myth, the legend of Daring Do. Daring sauntered on stage, wearing her trademark pith helmet, and a smart vest. “Hello, mares and stallions. My name is Daring Do. Many of you may know me as the dashing adventurer-author who stopped Inti’s evil plot and thwarts Ahuitzotl on a monthly basis. As some of you may not know, I am also a scholar of Equinology. Today, we will discuss the newest discoveries in this rapidly growing field of science, beginning with the clay tablets found at the ruins of ancient Roam…..” Daring droned on, with Twilight and Dash hooked on every word. Applejack found the discussions of architecture and farming techniques interesting (Terrace farming! Ah bet we could make use of those hills at Sweet Apple Acres!) Rarity was far too busy with her own thought experiment, designing a dress for Fluttershy, who was making small recommendations, to which Rarity would nod. Pinkie was shopping for balloons (the best ones were a pinkish-lavender.) Twilight knew Pinkie could never sit still in a crowded lecture hall for two hours.
“…..And I am doing book signings in the lobby, should any pony want to attend.” At these closing words, the lecture hall emptied itself into the lobby, where a line formed behind the desk, waiting to get their first edition books signed. Rainbow Dash found herself in the middle of the line, in front of a grey pegasus with strange eyes and behind a brown earth pony.
When Rainbow finally made it to the front of the line, Daring was still as dashing and lovably smug as usual. “Ah! I remember you! First place winner of the Best Young Flyers Competition! You pulled off that impressive Sonic Rainboom! I could never pull it off myself. (I suppose that raiding dungeons and teaching history leave little time for practice)” “Yup! That’s me, the glorious Rainbow Dash! Can I have your autograph?” “What’ll happen in the next book?” “Sorry, kid. Can’t reveal anything.” Daring drew a new pencil out of a secret pocket in her hat. With a dramatic swish of the pencil, Daring’s name emblazoned Dash’s parchment. “Thanks! May I ask where you’ll be staying for the next week?” “I assume you’re looking for another autograph, so I’ll be at the Mare-iot Hotel, Room 109”
As Dash sat in the dark room, a candle flickered. “Breaking into the Mare-iot to steal a manuscript? Are you crazy Dashie! I’d rather have a slice of cherrychanga!” Pinkie whispered in her usually high voice. “I support it, personally. Can you imagine the gems you could buy by selling that manuscript on the open market?” Rarity’s eyes shut, presumably to imagine the gems. “No! Not for money! I just want to know what happens next to Daring Do!” Rarity sat down, dejected. “How about you, girls, won’t you help me break into a hotel?” “NO!” Fluttershy, Applejack, Twilight, and Pinkie yelled.
“Stupid best friends….not helping me commit a felony…” Rainbow Dash walked the avenues of Canterlot, alone. Her friends were at some boring unicorn museum. Dash elected to buy some warm clothing for higher altitudes. A scarf would be nice.
“Who wants to commit larceny with me, IRON WILL?” The grand minotaur seemed to come out of nowhere on the street. “Please don’t say it so loud.” Rainbow Dash whispered. “I, Iron Will, will teach YOU how to effectively commit larceny! How do I know? BECAUSE I WAS A THIEF!” Iron Will screamed, but no pony in the crowded square seemed to care. “Come to my thievery seminar on Wednesday at the Hoofington Hotel, and I, IRON WILL, will teach you how to commit larceny effectively! …..admission’s five bits……
“Alright.” “See you there, I guess.” Dash trotted back to her room at the hotel. “I can’t wait to get that manuscript.”
“ FIRST, YOU MUST BE QUIET WHEN YOU ARE ON THE MOVE! DON’T BREAK A BRANCH OR CRUNCH A LEAF! IF YOU DO, WAIT SIXTY SECONDS SILENTLY BEFORE CONTINUING!” “NEXT! GET A ROPE AND TROTSMAN BRAND DUCT TAPE!” “WHAT’S A DUCT? I DON’T KNOW!” “THE ROPE WILL BE USED TO RAPPEL FROM CHARIOTS AND ENTER CONVIENIENT SKYLIGHTS! REMEMBER THAT!” Rainbow Dash waited a little, and learned such thievery gems as to bring a lump of clay to throw at any guards (It’ll splatter and disorient them without legally qualifying as assault and battery.) “ALL-RIGHT! FINALLY, YOU REQUIRE A BLACK FULL BODY SUIT. NO EXCEPTIONS!” Dashie was glad she bought one when she needed to steal a book from the hospital. She knew it would come in handy sometime. Like that bed-whacking stick and the orange cannon. Those were worthwhile purchases.
After buying the necessary materials and hoofing it to the Mare-iot Hotel, Rainbow Dash was ready to break into Room 109. She heard a bit about the security after asking about it at the concierge. There was a security card to access each room, and the windows were reinforced, so no rappelling in through. Her plan consisted of using the duct tape to climb up the wall like a spider, then entering through the roof entrance. It was a shame that full-body suits did not make versions that would allow her to use her own wings. Instead, they lay flat, under the suit. For this caper, she was an earth pony.
SHTRIPP! SHTRIPP! The duct tape pads haphazardly attached to the hooves of the suit ripped off of the walls as Rainbow Dash began her ascension upward. Her muscles ached and her untrained back legs were nearly going to buckle, but she had made it to the roof after crawling up the wall brick by brick. Dash then preceded to open the metal trapdoor on the roof to fall into a deserted hallway. “403-402-401, Where’s 109?” At this moment, Rainbow Dash noticed the stairwell, or Happy Pony Moving Stepped Ramp, as the marketers in Trottingham called it. The stairs were carpeted, but the mahogany under them was fairly creaky. Rainbow Dash was glad nopony worked at night at the Mare-iot. “109! There it is!” A “do not disturb” sign hung on the brazen doorhandle, made for a pony to push, and a VIP (Very important pony) necklace hung on the same long doorhandle. Rainbow Dash tried to push in on the handle, but it wouldn’t budge. She supposed a specific security card was necessary. It didn’t matter now. Iron Will had suggested bringing a small lump of plastic explosive, for when a door wouldn’t open. KABOOM! The door opened for that. Rainbow sat in the hallway, ears covered and eyes closed. One opened. “Whoa…..” “Who’s there? It’s me, Daring Do! Nopony wakes me up!” An angry Daring stood in the doorway, wearing long pajamas and holding a hat. “DARING DO!!!!! SQUEEELLL!!!!!” Rainbow was ecstatic to see her hero. “Dash! You think you can barge into my room and steal my slippers? I’ve got a license to kill, maim, irradiate, melt, AND mutilate! I’LL USE IT!!!!” Daring Do’s hat suddenly grew blades, making it look like a large shuriken. A handle was built into the device for Daring to hold, making it much like a shield. If Pinkie was here, she would have deduced that the hat was spring loaded, due to the telltale grooves, but Dash had no mechanical training. Daring ran across the wall with some gadget more potent than duct-tape, and she charged Dash with an attempted running attack. Dash drew her whacking-stick and handheld orange cannon. “Orange you glad that I came here?” The fruit hit Daring straight in the face, stopping Daring’s charge. Daring sliced upward, Dash had a stick to block it. When Dash fired, Daring sliced the orange in half. Plastic explosives and improvised grenades made of perfumes and aerosols created great fireballs. The hotel turned into an all-out war zone, as Daring drew hidden blades and whips from every crevice, and Dash liberally threw explosive chunks. Eventually, Daring had Dash in a headlock. “You’re dead.” “SPLATTER!” Rainbow Dash woke up from unconsciousness to find herself on the top floor of the Canterlot skyscraper. “DIE!” Dash felt a leather boot kick her into oblivion, and death seemed closer then ever as the ground hurried to meet Dashie. Daring walked back to her room, satisfied. She planned to go back to sleep.
Dash lay wounded, battered, and broken on the pavement. She drew a packet of paper, stapled together, from the pocket of her stealth suit. Daring Do and the Alicorn’s Doom. That should make a fun read in the hospital.
The Biggest Jerk in the Multiverse
Rough Sketch
“Welcome, welcome, one and all! (Did I really just say such a cliché?) Oh, well. My name is the Author. I am your trusted source for your fourth wall breaking goodness, as seen in the masterpiece Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000. As you can see, you are in SPAACCEEE!! Do not get lost. This space station is not cheap. Anyhow, you have been chosen from your respective (Respective? This author sucks.) Universes to compete in a Biggest Jerk in the Multiverse Challenge!
“In one corner, we have Dan, of Dan Vs. “What, that’s bull! I just live in Van Nuys!” In the distance, Dan whips out a pad of paper and scrawls an indeterminate name. “He made a ballista to shoot logs at some kind neighbors, he pissed off George Washington, and he found a way to use dance” The author snickers. “To defeat a town of maniacs.” (God, I am hilarious. Making fun of some psychopath. Real smart, crap me.)
Next, we have the Flim Flam Brothers, of My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. They cheat, steal, and manipulate to get what they want. After defeating Applejack, they had the balls to sell Ponyvillians cider full of grass. They go on record as the greatest jerks of the show. “Crap, brother of mine, total crap! That Discord fellow was quite yellow and he acted asinine!” “No talking from the peanut gallery!”
Then, we have Second, of Human (by Dannyj.) Described by the author as the biggest c*nt of the universe, he shoots pegasi with a gun, killed a goddess for giggles with his shotgun, created a zombie apocalypse, made a twisted form of America, abused his son, First, has godlike powers, and smuggled a shotgun into Canada. “Damn, I am awesome. Eat this mother f**kers!” (Second seems to be making a rude gesture. What a surprise) “Check this man for pencils. They are deadly!” (What, now I talk like a fantasy king. What a surprise from this hack)
Finally, we have Lord Xykon the lich, of The Order of the Stick. This man is Chaotic Evil at its finest. He is the ultimate bastard, a force of villainy who is also somehow hilarious. (Jokes about hit points, classic!) His finger can kill. “Damn straight! If anyone comes here, I’ll send them the way of Right-Eye!” “Speaking of which, he did trick a man into killing his beloved brother to make the man stay loyal.”
The first challenge you four will have to complete once you are freed from those iron cages, is to shoot a puppy. “Second, you first. This is a cute, fluffy, nice golden retriever from a good family. It has large eyes, and seems to wish for love. Here is your pistol.” (Why would I do that? I’m not a monster?) “Bye bye, puppy!” BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! SQUISH! BLAM! CRACK! BLAM! What was once a puppy was a mutilated, dead mess of bones.
Flim and Flam, you’re next. Have a pistol and shoot that loving, kind, three-legged beagle.
“Dear Celestia, we can’t! Despite what you say, we are not that bad!” “F**king pussies” Second commented. BLAM! BLAM! CRACK! SHLURP! SQUISH! BLAM! “Good job, Second! But, if I were you, I would have used a lightning spell instead of the pistol, and dropped the puppy into the mouth of the Brothers. At least the three are dead.” “Yeah, Xykon. We don’t all have magic powers.” “Whatever. At least I don’t lead little ponies. “ Xykon retorted. “You sure about saying that?” “Yeah, I’m sure” “Glad I smuggled this into space.” Second drew his shotgun, and a Smartgun (as seen in Aliens). For Xykon, lightning and flame danced across his bony, skeletal fingertips. (What. Is this how this crap story is gonna end? Hopefully we can just die and end this story already.) Second opened fire with a hail of bullets, each one striking Xykon and cracking bone. “Oh, screw this. Let’s go Dorukon” A meteor was seen through the skylights, and angels flooded from the rock. A heavenly chorus resounded. “Kill the monsters!” As the deck became draped with blood, the author ran to the escape pod. He jumped in and pulled the release. Watching the station explode, he heard a sound. “Thanks a bunch, swell friend of ours!” “Time to make this escape pod a chorus!”
