Another day at the Canterlot's guard barracks, as the few golden rays of sunlight began to peek into the grounds, as the soldiers swiftly put on their armor and polished spears and swords for an official line-up. They must stand in line for roughly 15 minutes, stock still in training for official events.
Flash Sentry, awkward-extraordinaire emerged from his barracks with helmet obscuring his blue mane, proudly marching towards the line-up area. Or he would be more accurately described as limping a bit. But mostly marching. He took his place, and assumed his position. Proud, strong, courageo-
"How big is the cap's dick?"
The monotone, quiet guard to Flash's left shifted back into his position as if nothing had ever happened.
"Pardon me?" Flash asked incredulously, after taking a moment to process the question.
"You heard me." The guard replied, still straight-faced and rigidly-stanced, as all guards had to be during line-up.
"I've no idea what you're talking about."
"Sure you don't."
Flash Sentry forced a smile.
"Ha ha guys, very funny."
"We saw you walking funny to your post today." Another guard, this time to the flustered guard's right asked. getting redder by the second, Flash hurriedly responded;
"I was not walking funny!"
A few guards around the three glanced over, and Flash quickly hushed his voice.
"I have no idea what you two are talking up, but you've got the wrong pony."
"Did you see the two on the last march into the boot camp in the woods?" The guard on the left asked the one on the right, their superior statures allowing them to talk over the increasingly-red Flash in an infuriating way.
"He was right up the front with the captain the whole trip. It was like they were best mates."
"Did you see the way the captain kept touching him though? Like an elbow, arm-over the-shoulder, bonk on the helmet."
"I saw it. He never touches anyone."
"Except his wife, of course."
"Oh yeah, the cap's wife. Reckon she knows that her husband and one of his soldiers are 'rump tussling?' They both snickered.
"Cut it out!"
"Hey, remember how on that same camp, Flash rolled his hoof so he had to sleep in the 'leader's tent' instead of in a hutchie?"
"Oh, you bet. No wonder he had trouble marching the next day. Honeymoon syndrome, eh?"
"It was my rolled hoof!" Flash whined.
"Ooh ooh! How about on guard duty when Flash was set the 'special role' of guarding the cellars with the Captain?"
"Drunk crumpet is always better than sober crumpet."
"How was gettin' it heels to Jesus style in a cellar full of Celestia's wine? Phwoar!"
"I reckon they even meet the meat on festival days in the public bathroom."
"How dare yo-" Flash tried to interject.
"How old is the Cap again? Much older than Flash, I'd warrant."
"Oh, so he's a Twinkie, too? Do you reckon the captain treats him rough?"
"Probably. After all, he could barely walk that night while we were trying to march. You think the captain's clean? Otherwise the interior decorating they must do could end in an embarrassing trip to the doctor's."
"Think the captain's sister knows?"
"Twilight Sparkle? Don't know, really. Hey, didn't Flashy boy have a fling with her going?"
"Can you two shove your own shoes in your mouth, please?"
"I think that neither she or the princess knows."
"Hey, does that mean that Flash's cheating on her?"
"Well, not as bad as the Captain cheating on his wife."
"Can't you be dishonorably discharged for something like that?"
"Yeah. Discharged." they laughed.
"Stop it!" Flash whined.
Flash suddenly slammed his front hooves into the ones of the guards to his left and right, and they both yelped and withdrew.
"I am NOT gay, I do NOT have sex with the captain, so to answer your question, NO! I DO NOT KNOW HOW LARGE THE CAPTAIN'S DICK IS! ARE YOU TOO DUNDERHEADS READY TO ACCEPT THAT, OR ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP RAMBLING ON TO LIKE ABSOLUTE TOSSERS FOR THE REST OF LINE-UP?"
The two guards fell silent. they knew that they had had their fun, but it was time to be serious They probably went too far, and as much as all evidence pointed to it, Flash was probably not bumping uglies with the capt-
Suddenly, everyone in the lineup saluted, and the three guards were slightly slow to react.
Shining Armour, the proud captain was walking past the patrol as they saluted. As he walked past the blue-maned stallion, he winked and bit is lip at the very flustered soldier as the two guards next to him tried extremely hard not to laugh. Flash Sentry sighed.
"12 inches."
"PHWOAR!"