John's Tales!

by Norwegian Wizard

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 2479

John is a human that ended up in Equestria because of reasons. While he may not have his friends or family anymore at least their's rum!

John was a young man from the southern United States. He enjoyed the simple things, video games, manga, and drinking himself into a stupor. One day thought while he was a drunk he stumbled into an interdimensional teleporter that some guy had left around. He was swiftly thrown asunder into a land of talking ponies and danger around a few of the turns.

Five years have passed since this day, and now he sits in his little house writing his memoirs of what really happened in his time in Equestria, even though he still lives there, and is still subscribed to the monthly pastry.

Published 2015-12-03 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-03 02:00:01 UTC

The Day I Got Super Powers!

My stories could begin in the land where I was raised, but that place is rather boring. It’s just hicks making moonshine and talking about shagging their sisters. I could begin with the day I walked into the crazy scientists teleporter and ended up in this mixed around place. Nope! Instead I’m going to tell you about the time I became a superhero!

It was a few weeks after I had arrived in Ponyville, and I was well accustomed living in the basement of the library which Twilight called home. The place was rather dim back then as no one really lived there until I. Rats were scattered throughout and several boxes full of random books were also strewn about like an addict’s needles. There was a single light dangling from the ceiling where the desk was situated with the bed just a few feet to the left. I could always hear the sound of Twilight and Spike doing things upstairs, the most uncomfortable to listen to was that old rusty mattress that would creak in the night a few times a week.

I filled my time there reading the random books that would find their way into the basement. One such book, “A Game of Pones” was an interesting read, and there was also a stranger read of which I can not remember the title. It was basically an allegory for stalinism but instead of “Animal Farm” it had something to do with anthropomorphic vegetation. The book actually relevant to this story was “The Book of Untold Power.”

It was strange that the thing was just lying about...in a safe...with a padlock...hidden in one of the walls...with a sign that says do not open. Bricks are handy aren’t they? It was mostly written in an old equestrian dialect that to this day I can not wrap my head around the actual meanings to the words. Some of it though was in latin based characters. I began to read aloud from one of the pages. As I pronounced each syllable I felt strength enter my body. My muscles grew more toned, my heart began to race, and I simply felt significantly more powerful.

I stepped away from the book, and saw a fly zipping past my face. I quickly grabbed it with ease. A noise was made from the speed in which I had just moved my arm.

“What do we have here?”

I clenched my fist and moved from one end of the dark basement to another, it tooks significantly less than a second to move those fifty feet. I approached the desk where the book was still sitting and lifted it like a marshmallow with one hand.

“I have superpowers!” I shouted to myself in glee. I started running around the room. The wind from the speed started knocking papers and small boxes about until one fell down in front of me. It contained a set of goggles which seemed to have been formed from brass. I picked them up and fit them to my face. I looked at myself in a nearby mirror, and took a swig from my flask which just happened to be filled with vodka that I recently bought from the tavern.

“I shall call myself..” I belched and the smell came back to me like a stripper with daddy issues. I wretched. “The drunken avenger!” I belched again but this time avoided the smell with a quick dash to the other end of the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

I walked up to Rarity’s boutique and swiftly knocked on the door. It was just a tad bit past her closing hours, but she knew me so I figured she would be more than happy to help me out. Although in retrospect I don’t think she was very happy to have known me. The drunk biped that typically caused a lot of problems to her and her shop. Especially that one time that I ended up placing a boulder in front of her boutique after I got hammered and thought it was a good idea to have Twilight infuse a sword with gravity magic.

I knocked once more, “Rarity?” I called from outside. The cold air brushed up against me like that one skank at that really bad nightclub.

“We’re closed, come back tomorrow.” She said in her typical tone of elegance.

“It’s John! I need you to make me something, I can pay you back this time!”

“We’re closed!” She shouted once more, “Besides, you still haven’t paid me back from last time.”

“Rarity I will swear to god I will bring you that big diamond you have had your eyes on if you do this one thing for me.”

She opened the door and I saw she was ready to relax inside for the evening as her mane was a mess. Her hooves were clearly sore from a long day of work.

“How will you accomplish that?” She asked, her curiosity clearly peaked.

“Pinkie!” I shouted, to which she almost immediately showed up.

“Yes?” She asked, excited as always.

“Could you please get Rainbow Dash for me?”

Her eyes grew wide and she quickly ran off to the place that Rainbow Dash called home. Within moments the two mares were before me.

“Rainbow Dash, are you drunk?” I asked. Keep in mind it was around five at this time but on some days Rainbow Dash could be as bad as me if she got her hands on some good rum.

“No!” Rainbow Dash shouted, “It’s only five.”

“Oh like that’s actually stopped you before.” I said laughing.

“Shut up! What do you need?” Rainbow Dash asked, letting out a yawn.

“Can I throw you? I can almost promise you that if I do you’ll break the sound barrier.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes opened wide and she looked at me with a daring expression.

“Do it!” She said.

I picked her up, and like with the desk it was like picking up a marshmallow.

“When did you get so strong!?” They all asked, almost in unison.

“Oh I read some book in Twilight’s basement and it gave me superpowers.”

I reeled back and through Rainbow Dash as hard as I could, and it did what I said it would, except instead of breaking the sound barrier it broke something that I would later know as the “Rainbow Barrier”

I sprinted as fast as I could over to where I threw Rainbow Dash, and prepared to catch her. I was back with her in hand within seconds.

“That’s how I plan on getting the diamond.” I said to Rarity in a sarcastic tone. Now, please make me a super suit.

Their eyes were open wide and their mouths were gaped. It was amazing to see them so astonished.

“What do you mean by super suit?” Rarity asked, perplexed by my statement.

“Simple, a suit that a superhero would wear. Play to your strengths, something elegant.”

“Fine darling, but you owe me that diamond.”

“I will get it to you the moment that I have that suit. Oh and on the cape I want it to say ‘The Drunken Avenger’ “

Rarity rolled her eyes and went inside to work.

______________________________________________________________________________

Hours passed as I sat patiently inside the waiting room of the boutique. Rarity could work fast but perfection took time. When I saw it though I was in love. A sleek black suit with a long garnet cape that read that oh so beautiful name “The Drunken Avenger” The boots were black with a garnet trim and the gloves that she stitched were black as well.

I grabbed it and threw it on. It fit perfectly, although I will say it was rather snug around the groin. I walked outside and breathed in the evening air. It smelled of baked goods and the sweat of stallions hard at work making the town go round.

“Be back soon” I said excitedly as I raced off towards the mountain where she once said the diamond was located. I was there in only a few minutes. The climb was also easy as I could make footholds by simply kicking in the mountain. Some more time passed and I was finally up that mountain and face to face with the cave. The glimmering diamond was shining off the now setting sun, but a growling beast could certainly be heard from within the cave.

It was nearly the size of all of Ponyville and had black scales and a red head.

“Who are you?” It said in a slow bellowing voice.

“I am..” Pause for effect, “The Drunken Avenger.” I took a swig from my flask and began walking up to the dragon who blocked my path between me and the diamond.

“Come no closer!” It roared, the smell of sulfur pierced my nostrils and almost caused me to wretch.

“The diamond in your possession, “I belched, “I come to claim it!”

“You will have to pass over my corpse before you may do so.”

I charged the beast and threw my first punch which sent it flying deep into the cave and against the back wall.

“You are strong. I will not underestimate you.”

It came flying at me at the speed of lighting and I dodged it, throwing another punch at it full force. This time it landed in a small pond that it sat just above.

That’s when I heard the voice, “John! What are you doing!?”

It was Twilight, and she was far from happy.

“I saw you opened up that book, and you know those powers are only temporary right?”

I continued to dodge the dragons relentless attacks against me as I said, “How long do I have? I did it this morning!” I shouted back at her.

“About five seconds.”

“...Shit!” I screamed as the power left my body and I was nearly flattened by the dragons blow. If it were not for Twilight casting some spell at the beast and holding it down.

As the beast was bound to the cave floor I slowly snickered at is and picked up the massive diamond which must have weighed upwards of a hundred pounds. I slowly left the cave and made my way back to Rarity’s.

______________________________________________________________________________

It was well into the night when I arrived back at Rarity’s, and she was most definitely sleeping when I knocked ever so harshly on her door.

“Wake up!” I shouted from outside.

I heard a groan and the door was opened. There was a brief moment of annoyance followed by a moment of surprise and overwhelming happiness.

“You got the diamond! Why’d it take you so long though?”

“Powers wore off and right now Twilight is fighting a giant dragon.”

With those words being said Twilight was thrust from the cave and all the way back to Ponyville by the beast.

“Creatures of the hamlet, be warned, your day of reckoning has come. I will devour your pathetic town, and all that remain within.” The dragon bellowed.

I grew silent for a moment, sat up against Rarity’s boutique and said, “I’m gonna need some more vodka.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Ponies began to flee in mass from their homes as the dragon began to fly closer and closer with the speed of the wind itself. Its black scales sparkled in the moonlight, and as it neared the small town it was realized that the beast was easily the size of at least a fourth of the town.

“Do something!” Rarity shouted at me as she started to back away.

I took a swig from my flask and said, “What do you expect me to do? I’m just a human! Sure, I can fight moderately well, but that thing is a dragon, what do you want me to do? Piss on its plants?”

Twilight took a deep sigh as she stood up from being thrashed about.

“It’s immune to magic, we just need to evacuate everyone.” Twilight said, her legs barely able to support her.

“Will that book work twice? Also can you use your space magic horn thing to strengthen me even more?”

“Yes, and I guess, but what do you plan to do, you said you couldn’t fight a dragon?”

“As a normal human I can’t, but as the drunken avenger..” I smirked and walked over to the little basement and began reading from the book once more. The same feeling of power entering my body quickly and with great force. I dashed out of there, the wind once more knocking some more books around, as well as a ‘Flanks’ magazine that Twilight had apparently been keeping around.

“Shoot me up!” I shouted as I started running

Twilight’s horn began to glow and a beam of magic entered into me. My thoughts were racing, and I could barely comprehend what was going on. Everything was so fast that it seemed like reality was moving in slow motion.

Within nano seconds I was on top of the dragon, staring him in the eye.

“You sure you want to do this?” I asked with a smirk.

“I have been wronged so retribution is just. You, your friends, and everything will die.”

“I was hoping you would say that!” I laughed and took another swig before getting right in front of the beast and belching in his face.

He didn’t falter as I expected him to. He didn’t even twitch. Still absorbed by the magical power of Twilight and the book I sprinted to the tail of the mighty dragon. I flipped and grabbed it, hurling the beast to ground where he was quickly turned to a mess of blood. The force was so strong that the creature stained the field with its blood. There was nothing left though. Even the bones of the beast were turned to dust from the force.

Unfortunately something bad happened. On impact I also may have broken nearly every bone in my body. I was well passed out.

______________________________________________________________________________

I woke up some time later in the town’s hospital. I was covered in a full body cast with only my head being visible. Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash were all sitting about in the room with me.

“You did it!” They all shouted in almost perfect unison.

“Yup! Hurrah for magical bullshit!” I started to laugh and cough at the same time.

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash said as she pulled something out of a bag. “The barkeep wanted to give you this for helping save the town.”

It was a bottle of fire rum, some of the strongest booze in existence. A mix of alchemical ingredients and unicorn magic made it so. I looked over my body, battered, bruised, and broken, and would probably spend at least a few months in the hospital.

I thought to myself, “Totally worth it.”