The Conversion Bureau: For Thirty Bits

…

The Conversion Bureaus, obviously.

I cannot remember when they first opened, personally I doubt anypony can. It just seemed to me like they have always been there, but then again, don’t you stop paying attention to things when then they no longer matter to you?

…

I guess a lot of things stopped mattering to me when I paid my thirty bits and become a Pony.

Humanity…yep, that was one of them, alright.

…

I don’t know. I stopped caring about them, I just said that.

…

Look, can I remember when humanity finally collapsed? No. Do I recall when they no longer meant anything to me? Yes.

…

Fine. I want to say it was in…blast, what is the word for it? September? I want to say that’s the human for it. Does it matter anyway? It ended in my hometown…I can’t remember what it was called.

…

Yes. It is definitely a was. It was…nice. I do remember that. Not much else, though. There was a café there. Started by a pony if I remember correctly.

Heh.

Kind of reminds me of that old American idealism; well, the difference being, that the café didn’t shut down when the world threatened to collapse. Sold great muffins, too. I’m rambling. Sorry. I tend to do that.

…

Huh? Oh, sorry. I did not realize. I’ll keep to Equestrian.

Anyway. Me and a friend of mine would go out to lunch at that café every…what would be the Equestrian equivalent for Friday?

…

Yeah, sorry about that, it’s all one day to me.

…

Okay, if you think your readers would care to make sense of a dead language, anyway.

So we would go there every Friday for lunch, right? Mostly to blow off steam, talk about our weeks, complain, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I did most of the complaining, I told you I ramble. March…well, for his part, would mostly sit there with that smile of his and listen to me rag on.

But.

That one Friday in mid-September, things were different.

March was excited to see me there, but he typically was. He grinned me down to our de facto reserved table, and just when about to say something hilarious and witty, he cut me off.

You see, what was different was that March, not I, was the one who talked that day, and did he ever, bits of pumpkin flying from his mouth and swinging his hooves around like a madman as he did so.

Um, hands, I mean. Force of habit. March was…is still, I guess, a human. Honestly? I find it ironic that he worked for the Bureau.

It’s strange, you know? How I can remember what March and I talked about all those years ago and I can’t even remember where I was born.

…

He talked about how his week went, but doubt your readers would much want to hear that.

…

They are gone. I cannot understand your logic, but alright, if you insist. I’m the one getting paid for this.\

He did not talk about Sunday that much. Understandable, with it being his only day off and all that. The one day per week to do anything he wanted and he never wanted to talk about it.

Humans.

You know, I never got why the Princesses allowed it, having Sundays off I mean. Ponies work twenty-four seven, if you’ll forgive the expression. We have to, otherwise, nature would collapse, and there goes the neighborhood.

I don’t know. I guess I just figured their work ethic would rub off on humans. You know, nature working with action rather than inaction.

I am sorry about the rambling. I will attempt to stay on topic.

On Monday it was March’s turn to teach a basic Equestrian language and culture class to all the Newfoals born that day.

You probably couldn’t tell by looking at him, but March really was a smart guy, despite the, you know, him being a human and all.

He was…is?...fluent in Equestrian, the first person I knew who rushed to learn it. It was like he knew what was coming.

And he did!

Of course, I told him not to. Told him that we would just blow up the island and its little candy horses the first chance we got. With the nukes.

…

Yeah, I know it’s morbid, but you’re the one who said you wanted a story about real humans. And I was a human at the time…

…But March, he went and learned the language anyway. I knew he was going to, even as I told him he was an idiot for trying. I knew because whenever we would argue about something, he would do it anyway.

Yeah, he was kinda dumb for a guy that was supposed to be smart.

He didn’t have much to say about Tuesday either, just that Pee Ee Ahr gave him a rock and a broken window. Again.

I never cared much for the Ponification for Earth's Rebirth. I do not think either of us did. It just doesn’t make sense how anypony, let alone a group, could just up and blatantly ignore their core values.

I asked March how he was going to get rid of the Pee Ee Ahr. He took a bite of his pumpkin muffin and a sip of rose tea before telling me he didn’t plan on doing anything.

So I asked why.

He said there was nothing he could do.

I found it too difficult to argue with that logic.

It makes more sense now that I think about it; humans do tend to make the world a better place by not doing anything.

Wednesday. Ah, Wednesday. March was excited about Wednesday. Apparently some other Bureau somewhere else botched a Conversion, using a prototype formula that made people their opposite gender, you remember the one. The one that caused all that controversy?

Anyway, what made him jump around like a cotton candy pony was that they now stocked that formula at his Bureau.

According to March, it tasted like fresh cherries. I tried not to think of dirty jokes when he told me.

A complete conversion. Just think about it. Turning into something entirely different, not even who you were before.

I don’t think I’d be able to do it.

One thing I don’t get is why would you go to the Bureau of all places to have that done. It’s not like it’s their job to cater to the whims of everyone. Seriously, if humans can’t even stand their gender, is it any surprise they’re not around anymore?

But I’m rambling again. Sorry.

Thursday. Thursday was very different.

According to March, he was working like usual, doing whatever he did, when he got called out to the front of the Bureau for an ‘emergency situation’.

Dang. It turns out quote fingers don’t work when you don’t have fingers.

For the life of me, I could not tell you why, but I immediately thought of the Pee Ee Ahr. I know now that it does not make sense to think that. The Pee Ee Ahr always makes sure their attacks are publicized, and I didn’t hear anything about an attack on Thursday.

It was the fear that made me think that. It had to be. Hey, you’ve lived in Equestria your whole life haven’t you?

…

Yes, I thought so. You smile too often. I doubt you would know what I’m talking about. But there is that sense of fear that plays into everyday life on Earth. You never know when you’re going to die, and fear makes you too scared to do anything that may accelerate that process.

March shouldn’t have gone out there. Shouldn’t, but did.

He went out into the lobby, and I still don’t believe what happened. I don’t know what March was expecting to find, I never asked, and he never said anything, but what he found was a pregnant mare in labor along with her stallion.

Now, March had told me something interesting. Humans are really the only mammals that have issues during child birth. Something to do with how our bones are arranged for our bipedal nature.

Ponies, while being quadrupedal still have problems with foalbirth. Again because of the smaller bone structure, but also because the transference of magic from mare to foal and stabilizing the magic in the foal’s systems takes up a lot of the mare.

I thought that was interesting.

Sorry. Sorry! Rambling.

So, March was actually the only one, pony or otherwise, on staff who was a legitimate doctor. Everypony else were either magical technicians or chemists.

Ironic isn’t it? A pony in need of help and a human is the only one who can give it.

…

Honestly, I don’t remember much about what March said after that. I remember he went into excruciating detail about the foalbirth, but that’s about it.

Maybe I repressed it. I do know that the process of childbirth is really gross. That has to be it. What I do remember is how the blackberry muffin I was eating crumbled ever so tenderly while I was eating it. It was a good muffin.

Anyway, it turns out that the couple had a colt, and you will never believe what they named him. Winter March.

Never thought that March of all people would have anything named after him, let alone a pony.

The stallion thanked March a lot. Like, I had to tell March he told me that the stallion thanked him a lot a lot. The stallion was going to bring over his other kid, a filly, if I remember, to come see the mare. He wanted March to be there.

I can’t possibly imagine why a pony would make acquaintance with a human, but maybe the stallion was born like that.

Then March. He. Did something. Something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

He asked me to come with him.

Friendship is important, anypony would tell you that. The best of friends would do anything for each other, be together through thick and thin and all that jazz. No matter what, the Magic of Friendship would prevail in the end and make everyone happy and closer than ever before.

I.

I told him no.

…

Yeah. I’m just rambling again.

I went home after that. As much as a home a run-down apartment can be anyway. I was feeling pretty tired, no…no sleepy, that night. I blame March’s rambles.

I didn’t do much the next day, all the technology on Earth made it a rather boring place to be. I was about to go to bed when there was a knock at my door.

My first thought was the Pee Ee Ahr. I know, the thought is silly. Ponies killing other ponies? A far cry from pushing clouds around.

So, I answered the door. Standing there was a stallion I did not know.

I entertained the thought of excessive self-defending for a split second.

He asked me if I was Alabaster Rei.

I didn’t get it, but I told him I was. Am.

The stallion used magic to lift a video recorder out from his saddle bag. He had one of those. He said he was asked to give this to me.

I asked by whom.

Doctor March.

…

…I still have it. Hang on.

…

Yeah, it still works. I got some unicorn to do some kind of magic on it. I don’t know how it works, it’s magic. Not knowing how it works is what makes it work. Much like toothpaste.

…

Hey, as far as I’m concerned, a paste that can clean you with just a little scrubbing is magic.

…

Of course.

Here.

I’m

going to step out for a minute.

“…Please tell me that thing is recording. I don’t think I’ll be able to tell Rei twice.”

“…Uh…red light means record, right?”

“But Mister! You need a doctor, like, an un-shot doctor. Not this thing!”

“Pearl String! Get back here right now!”

“No. It’s fine. You can stay with me if you want.”

“…Alright. Come on.”

“Rei…I can only imagine you are shocked. I would be if I saw you slumped against a tree with a bloody hole in your chest and a filly curled against you.

“Let me tell you, though, it’s not so bad once you get used to the idea of it being there.”

“You really don’t have a whole lot of time for that, mister.”

“Pearl!”
“Heh.

Listen to me, Rei…I know how much you are going to hate not being able to track down the people that did this-”

“But mister, ponies shot you!”

“Rei, you’re better than what you give yourself credit for. Hating what you can’t have and pursuing what you hate is human.”

“But what about the ponies that did this to you?”

“…Thirty bits…”

“Huh?

“Are you dead, mister?”

“Pearl!”

“…I just thought I would have more to say.

“Death does things to us, Rei…”

“I hope…you don’t make yourself find that out.

“Hey.”

“What?”
“What?”

“Do you….could get me…..drink?”

I see it’s done. How did you like that, huh?

…

Yeah, you can say that again.

He hated me, you know. He would say he didn’t, but you just couldn’t believe him.

There was no reason he wouldn’t.

Like there was this one time I crashed on him. Everything he ate after that tasted like blackberries, he just ate other things because he wanted to remind me of it.

And he was always smiling at me! Daring me to mess up again!

It just doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know who can do that. Just resign them to death like he did.

You can’t. It’s just not something humans do.

And the best part?

He knew what was going to happen. He knew it! And he didn’t do a damn thing to stop it!

I mean, why not at the very least carry a gun? You know, defend yourself for once.

It’s better than just doing nothing, anyway.

Or, here’s an idea, why not tell me? I was his best fucking friend, and he didn’t think I was good enough for him.

I mean, I know I might not have made a difference, but you don’t know that!

…

You don’t know that! I could have something!

I could have done more than he did! Lazy bastard wouldn’t do anything if his goddamned life depended on it!

And guess what? It did!

He fucking knew it too!

It just.

I needed.

I.

I…

March

RAAAHH!

…

I’m…again.

I’m sorry I’m…

I’m sorry…

…

Yeah.

I’m fine.

Can you leave?

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Yes! My hoof is fine!

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Just put them anywhere. I don’t care!

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Mare! Just give me my thirty bits!

…

“…Please tell me that thing is recording. I really don’t think I’ll be able to tell Rei twice.”

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