Of Brain and Bronze

by Chuck Norris

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Little Strongheart, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 4827

A Rust-inspired HiE fic, set in his and BlackWing's universe.

Like many Bronies, if offered a chance to go to Equestria, I would gladly accept. I did so without thinking, and it cost me. Not as much as it could have, I could have been a griffin, or dragon. Or Hell... a diamond dog. But luckily I was not. I was sent to Equestria as a minotaur. And a damn fine lookin' one too, if I may say so myself. This is the story of my adventures and exploits. May you enjoy the ride, cause it's as hairy as your mom's ass, and then some. Buckle up, nut up, and shut up, cause here. We. Go.

Published 2012-06-08 19:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-12 22:48:34 UTC

[1] Smooth McRealSmooth

A/N: This story is set in the Equestria as defined by one Rust, and continued by one Black Wing and one Tamara Bloodhoof, among others. I simply could not resist hopping on the bandwagon, as this bandwagon is a seriously stretched limousine that's been through Pimp My Ride and back. As Luna would say, "THE LUXURY HAS BEEN DOUBLED!!".

~~~"Introductions"~~~

Dear Reader,

Howdy. Name's Bronze Brand, and I'm in jail. Now, while I didn't kill anyone, the blind eyes of Justice thought I did. I was wrongfully charged with the murder of a buffalo and theft, as well. Apparently, anyone who is not a pony is guilty of any crime that can be thought up. I thought that here, in Equestria, that wouldn't happen. But I was wrong. Even though the mane six had supposedly cleared up the problems with racism here in Appleloosa, they had come right back. The cells around me were filled with buffalo, and I was the only minotaur. But I've got to stop writing, something big is coming up. Something real big. I'll catch ya on the flipside.

Sincerely, Bronze.

I was always a careful and intelligent kid, far more so than I had reason to be. I'd even learned Krav Maga and Seven-Star Mantis kung-fu, as a form of self-defense, because I figured that, as a nerd, I'd be a target for bullies. But I didn't have any trouble at school, aside from the typical name-calling. And even then, it wasn't that bad, nothing that actually hurt my feelings. It's just that I learned quickly to not bother trying to become friends with anyone. It would either backfire, or end up badly for them, and I didn't want that. So when, in my sophomore year of high school, I discovered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I didn't really have anyone to talk about it to. I also had no care for what many of my peers had to say, so I proudly wore "pony swag." Then we got a new kid, and I expected everyone to pick on her, because that's just what they do to new bloods. But it didn't happen. Not on the first day, not on the second, nor even on the third. Everyone just ignored her, including the teachers. Acted like she didn't exist at all. And so one day, I walked up to her to start a conversation. I figured that if no one else would even look at her, she wouldn't have any reason not to talk to me, right?

The expected word here would be, "wrong", but that would actually be wrong. No, she started right up on the conversation as well, pointing at my shirt and asking why, exactly, I had a pony on there. That was as expected.

"Because she is best pony, of course." I answered, fully expecting her to not get why I said that. But then I had my mind purely fucking blown.

"Silly filly, that doesn't look like Pinkie Pie!" She said, in an absolutely perfect imitation of the party pony's voice. My brain kind of just melted, at that point, but I managed to keep up the conversation.

"Ahh, so you're one of us. Glad to know that I'm not alone here." I said, not really meaning to sound pathetic, but doing a darn good job of it.

"Aww, poor guy. Only brony here? Well, I know a place where there are a lot of them! It's called Equestria, would you like to go there?" She asked, still using that oddly accurate Pinkie Pie voice, and in such a serious tone I almost believed her.

"Bahahaha, that's a good one! Go to Equestria. Come on, it's a cartoon world full of colorful pastel ponies, for Christ's sake!" I exclaimed, rather loudly. I surreptitiously looked around, making sure no one was listening, and it didn't appear so.

"I'm completely serious! Just because you don't want to go doesn't mean you have to be a mean mean meaniepants about it." The girl said, so well she did the impression of Pinkie Pie that I could almost hear the cotton candy mane deflate, and my heart nigh on broke at how sad she sounded.

"Well, a free trip to Equestria, you say? Why not!" I said, changing my tune. Hopefully she wouldn't be so sad. I didn't want this girl to be sad, ever. It seemed like being sad was completely against her nature, and I had just done that.

"I hope you like what you become when you get there, and have a super duper fun time!" She said, and I almost thought it was fake, again, until she kissed me on the lips and the remains of my brain fell apart.

I passed out, thinking, 'Great job, a girl kisses you and you pass out, not to mention she's the only pegasister you're likely to ever meet. Wait, what did she s-?'

~~~"Awakening"~~~

Like it has been described so many times, waking up from being knocked out is slow and tedious. But for me, it wasn't painful, as I had been knocked out by a first kiss. Not very impressive, huh? But anyway, on to slow and tedious.

The very first thing I was aware of was the fact that I felt... bigger, to say the least. Much, much taller, to be sure. I mean, I had been tall, to a lot of the kids in my class. But now I felt positively gigantic. Basic sensation aside, I became aware of the fact that my mouth felt strange, and long. Almost like a snout.

Is it possible? Was I really sent to Equestria? I began to hope, but Ration and Logic, the two most pessimistic of shoulder-beings, jumped in saying, "Yo, dumbass! Of course not! Equestria ain't real!" They chorused. I ignored them, focusing on breathing, and working my way around my body. Taking a deep breath, I again took note of my elongated mouth. Then, I focused on the rest of my head. I'd discovered the snout, but hadn't actually paid attention to the signals my nerves were sending me. I was thirsty as a racehorse that had just won the Kentucky fucking Derby. That would have to wait until I knew if I could even walk, though.

I tried to lift my head up, but it was too heavy. Like there were great weights attached to the sides of my head. I opened my eyes, only to snap them shut and instinctively bring a hand up to block the bright sun that invaded my retinas. And yes, I had hands. So I was not a pony, good to know. Luckily, now Optimisim showed up, and said, "Hey, don't worry, there are lots of creatures in Equestria that technically have hands. Like Diamond Dogs, Griffins, and Minotaurs. You might very well be-" Here Optimism received a Falcon Punch in the face by Ration, and a straight-up kick to the babymakers by Logic. It was rather well-coordinated, I do have to say.

Props aside, I had had enough of their antics, and imagined them simply poofing away. It worked, and I was finally alone with my thoughts. So, now I knew I had hands. I flexed them, repeatedly, and discovered that I only had three fingers and a thumb. Either someone had chopped my pinkies off, or I was in Equestria. I chose to go with the latter, still feeling the effects of Optimism's sudden appearance.

Continuing on with my survey of my own body, I tried lifting my arms up. It was easy enough, and I was glad to get some movement down pat. I figured I was on a roll, now, so I thought I'd work my way down.

I did. My legs felt all wrong, like someone had taken a jackhammer to them, followed by a steamroller. Not the pain, but just the positioning of bones and muscles. It all felt off. My feet and thighs were too long, and my shin was far too short. I had the feeling that if I was standing up, I'd be on my tiptoes. Almost how a horse's hooves were like really large toes... Here I paused, expecting an outburst from Ration and Logic, but they stayed down. Good. They were out of my hair.

Speaking of which, as I ran my new hand across my new forehead, my hair had stayed the same. Midlength, and shaggy. Then I felt around the exterior of my head and my hands came across some large, bone-like structures that were jutting out from my bovine skull.

Horns? HORNS? FUCK YEAH. I was ecstatic, I mean, a minotaur? That's just, awesome. Badass. More buff than Snowflake, and still bipedal. I had thumbs, so I could grab things without learning how to do whatever ponies did... I mean, what do they do? Hoof magnets? I'd have to ask Twilight that one... Provided I was anywhere near Ponyville. Who knew if I was even in Equestria? I'd read plenty of fanfics where Equestria wasn't a planet, but a province. A very large, profitable one, but still not the entire world.

Okay, now to make a checklist that would make Twilight proud! Or barf. Either one.

Find out where in Equestria (Or the world) I am.

Find civilization.

Befriend ponies everywhere with my charm and cunning.

...

Uh... Yeah I'm already out of things to do. Fuck.

Well, I got that out of the way, at least. Time to open my eyes again.

"GODDAMMIT CELESTIA!" I exclaimed as my pupils shrunk to pinpricks. I really should have thought that through better. I closed my eyes and shielded them with my hand once more, and then tried sitting up. Good, it worked. And now that I was at least sort of awake, thank you Trollestia, I could lift my head under my neck's own power. I licked my lips, which caused me to remember just how parched I was. And how hot it was here. Wherever here is. I slowly opened my eyes again, looking at the ground, and was greeted with cracked desert sand. Well... that explains the heat and blazing inferno of sun.

I slowly but surely stood up, wobbling and nearly falling at the clumsy weight distribution. To my brain, this was like balancing on a tightrope while riding a unicycle over a lava pit, after looking down. My balance had never been the best, and now my brain was having to cope with walking on tiptoes. Granted, my new body made it much easier, but it was still a difficult transition.

After learning how to walk again, and many faceplants, I finally took note of where I was. There was a long tan plain, stretching all around me in all directions, with blowing sand clouds flying along the ground. I'd seen it before. In the episode where the ponies went to...

"Appleloosa!" I exclaimed, waving my hands in the air for effect. Come on, you know you've done it. So, I could check number one off. Time to find Appleloosa, or whatever town I was near, if I was close to one. I inspected the horizon closely, turning in a near 360 degree circle, my eyes settling on what appeared to be apple trees in the distance, and a cluster of buildings beside it. My heart almost leapt out of my chest.

Sweet, delicious, apples! Without anything else to do, I trudged towards the hazy trees, with them slowly becoming clearer and more defined, along with the buildings near them. The apples were shining, literally. Like they were polished as soon as they grew. There were a few ponies bucking them down, as I arrived. There went number two. Nopony had seemed to notice I was there, yet, and so I simply picked an apple from a tree and bit into it.

It felt like some sort of apple goddess had just frenched me. Delicious, absolutely magnificent. The juice ran down my parched throat, and before I knew it, the entire apple, core and all, was gone and I had a fresh one in my hand. I stood there and ate almost an entire apple tree before I realized that...

"Howdy there pardner. Those there are our apple trees, ya hear? You'll either have to pay for them apples, or come with us." A rather stereotypical gruff cowboy voice said from behind me. I slowly turned, and was met with all the ponies that had been bucking apples. Number 3... Yeah that one got a similar treatment to Optimism's beatdown.

Fuck. I mean, really? I leave Earth, where the worst I get is name calling, and in Equestria is where I am threatened with physical violence, for Celestia's sake.

"Yeah, uh, I don't have any bits on me-" I began, but was cut off by the pony that had spoken before.

"Well then, we've got quite the little problem, don't we?" He said, a rich moustache slightly obscuring his words. I noticed that the rest of the stallions and mares had formed a ring around me, with the tree to my back. I pressed myself up against it, since it was the only nonhostile entity I knew of. I prepared myself for a fight, but knew that I wouldn't be able to do much. I was still far too unused to my body to be fighting anypony.

"Round 'im up!" The stallion said, and lassos that I hadn't noticed twirling shot out at me, snaring me in their grasp. The ponies dragged me into Appleloosa, and I watched as building after wooden building went by, the dust from the ponies hooves getting in my eyes and annoying the fuck out of me at the same time. By the time we reached the building labeled "Appleloosa Jail", my eyes were watering profusely and I had to sneeze. Luckily, I did so right as the stallion from earlier chose to get into my face and be a menacing douchebag. Rather than say what he had been about to, he simply turned around and bucked me into my cell, my back arching when I hit the wall and my head slumping downwards as I hit the cot that was pressed up against the wall..

"Sit tight in here, and we'll come get ya when your trial is set up. If, your trial is set up." I was told with a sneer, and I simply curled up on the cot, facing away from everything. This was not what I had expected from Equestria, at all.

[2] Trials and Tribulations

"This court, under fair and unbiased view, finds the minotaur Bronze Brand of Equestria, to be guilty of theft and murder in the first degree." The judge droned out, I had kind of stopped listening at this point. Didn't stop me from snickering at the 'fair and unbiased' part about his speech. Though it got me a rather painful beating.

Wait wait wait, you're probably wondering just how murder got tacked on to my charges, yes? Well, I could easily just tell you, but I should still start from where I left off.

After curling up in the fetal position and being an all-around pussy for a while, I had gotten up and looked in the mirror that was in the cell. I looked like a thin, tan version of Iron Will, minus the nose ring and steroid issues. Oh, and my hair was the same, it was even blonde. My eyes had become a slightly more piercing ice blue, but that was probably because of Equestria's limited palette.

I looked around the dull jail cell, and there was only the cot, the mirror, and a pail of water underneath the mirror to serve as any sort of furnishings. At least there was a roof above my head and a bed to sleep on. I didn't know if I'd get food, judging by how emaciated the buffalo prisoners were... Hold on.

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Buffalo prisoners?! I thought the mane six had taken care of the prejudice, against them at least. But apparently it wasn't so, as I could see many buffalo, some sharing cells. It didn't appear as though Little Strongheart or the Chief had been taken, so they were still out there. Immediately my brain began thinking of ways I could bust these guys out, I mean, I was a pretty good picklock, but I'd need something I could use as a pick. Wait a minute, maybe I didn't even have to pick it? I was a ripped minotaur, so possibly I could just bull my way through. Pun intended.

Gripping the cage door with my hands, I hauled backwards... then flew backwards, pushed through the air into my cot by an invisible force. An enchanted gate, it would seem. Well that settled that, I wasn't going to be using my brawn. Time to use that brain.

I bent down and kneeled awkwardly, due to my legs, and inspected the lock itself. It seemed simple, an easy pick. A novice level lock. Damnit Skyrim. But it was probably enchanted, just like the door. Some sort of alarm would sound, or something. Possibly an electric shock. I wasn't willing to risk it. And even if I was, I didn't have a pick.

Standing back up, I slowly paced around my cell, waiting on something to happen. When absolutely nothing did, I sat on the cot and leaned up against the wall. I allowed my gaze to rove around the room, taking in the jail. The cells around me were much the same as my own, except that the occupants were on all fours, and hooved. They had this listless look in their eyes, all of them. The fire had been beaten out of them, it seemed. One of them noticed me looking at him, and nudged his cellmate. Then his cellmate looked at me, and soon the entire jail was looking at the newcomer. I awkwardly raised a hand, in a small wave.

They returned it, and gave me an uneasy smile too, as if they weren't sure they should dare to have any emotion show on their faces. I realized just how much they had been through, rotting in this hellhole. I looked around, not unlike that time shortly before I was sent here, at the guard. He appeared to be sound asleep.

I mouthed to the first one that had noticed my observation.

"How long?" I asked silently, hoping he would understand.

He did, and replied with, "Me? I don't remember."

I sensed an extreme sadness as I ran my eyes down the creature's gaunt form. Nodding, I leaned my head against the bars and closed my eyes for a moment. At least, I thought it was for a moment. .

I was awakened roughly by a door slamming open, and the rustle of jimmies. I mean, chains. Yeah. Chains. It appeared as though my trial had come.

The same moustached pony from before gave me a sinister smile as he chained my hands together. I glared down at him, realizing just how much taller than everypony I was. I had been dragged through the door, but now I had to duck, almost into a crouch. I felt good, being that much taller than they. Granted, with my hooves shackled I wouldn't dare fight them, but it was still nice.

As they herded me out the door, I noticed that while it had been relatively quiet before, the town was silent now. The only sound was my jailer's and my hoofsteps, which kicked up small clouds of dust that were sent speeding on their way out of town by the wind. I was hoping that this wasn't some kind of omen, seeing as whenever there was some kind of shootout this is exactly the way towns were. The only thing missing was the...

Tumbleweed. Shit. A tumbleweed slowly bounced across the town's dusty road, and I resigned myself to my fate. There was no way this could end well for me. Not now. At least it can't get any worse. WAIT. WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY THAT?!

"Git movin', Sirloin." The pony behind me said, planting a hoof in my back. I had stopped once I realized what I'd thought. And then my brain thought about what he had called me.

"Sirloin?" I asked, as I started moving again.

"That's what mah pa used ta call yer kind. Pretty much sayin' that things out thayr eat ya on a daily basis."

"Ah... Why'd ya call me that?" I asked, unconsciously taking on his manner of speech.

"Don't know yer name." He answered matter-of-factly.

"Oh, well-" I began, but was interrupted. Good thing too, didn't have any idea what to call myself.

"Quit fraternizing with scum, Wagon Wheel!" The moustached pony I only now recognized as the sherriff from the episode yelled.

"Yessir, Sherriff!" Wagon Wheel answered almost sarcastically. It might have just been his accent, I didn't know.

We walked on in silence until we reached the courthouse. It was bigger than the rest of the buildings and painted, unlike the rest of the buildings.

The white facade loomed before me as I walked into the courthouse, and was assailed by the aroma of many closely packed pony bodies. Great. The entire town of Appleloosa was here to watch me burn. Which, given the situation, was not an unfitting saying.

The judge brought his gavel down with a forceful Bang! that resounded off the walls of the courthouse. The murmurs and chatter that had begun as I walked into the room were silenced by an icy stare from the judge.

I walked up to the wooden podium. It was in a position such that all but forced the accused to look up at the judge upon his raised dais. Conveniently, I was taller than what they had accounted for, and so I could almost look him in the eye. He was a majestic snow-white unicorn, probably the only one in the entire town. His eyes were a crystalline ice blue, not unlike my own. But his popped out more. They just showed up better. His hair was a severe black, with some white streaks in it. It wasn't a buzzcut, but it was fairly short and businesslike. He had a jet black goatee and black hooves, with a slight shaggyness to his fetlocks. TL;DR: He looked pretty fuckin' cool.

"Judge Stark Contrast, presiding." A rather burly earth pony off to the side said, and there was a respectful bowing of heads. Even I bowed my head. No need to piss them off even more.

"Sherriff, what case do you have against... er... What is the name of this minotaur?" The judge asked, not really asking me. No one could provide him an answer, so I spoke up, using the first name that came to mind. Don't ask me why it came to mind either, cause I don't know.

"My name, your Honor, is Bronze Brand."

The Judge ran his eyes over me, silently observing my posture. I was standing with my hands behind my back, and my back straight. "Hrm... He seems too respectful to have done uh... what was it now, theft and murder? Are you sure it was him?"

"Yes I am, yer Honor. It was most assure-" The Sherriff began, but I cut him off.

"Your Honor, I apologize for speaking out of turn, but while I did steal from the apple orchard, I did not kill anypony." I explained. "And besides, I'm perfectly willing to work th-"

"Shut up, ya ignorant cow! You don't know nothin'!" The Sherriff interrupted me. Seeing as how the Honorable Judge said nothing about it, I realized I was bucked anyway. Racist bastards.

"Okay, so he's plead guilty to the count of theft. But he denies that he committed murder. Sherriff, present your case." The judge intoned.

"Of course, yer Honor. Shortly after he stole the apples, we investigated the direction he came from. We found a suspicious pile of sand, and so we dug it up. Inside we found a dead buffalo." The Sherriff explained. That was all they had? I didn't see any pile of sand, but then again, I was sorta focused on making it to the apple trees.

"Well. Do we have any witnesses?" The Judge asked. My hopes soared that this might be a fair trial after all.

"Yessir, yer Honor." The Sherriff said, and my hopes fled like dogs with their tails between their legs. Lying under oath, hooray for that. It's exactly what happened, too. Many ponies came forward, some who hadn't even been working in the orchard, all testifying that without a doubt they had seen me kill that buffalo, bury it, and come to steal apples. Really, how was this even believable?

"Do you have anything else to say in your defense, Accused?" The judge asked.

"No, your Honor. Not that I haven't already said." I answered.

"Then, this court, under fair and unbiased view, finds the minotaur Bronze Brand of Equestria, to be guilty of theft and murder in the first degree." The judge said, with a look in my direction. I wasn't sure what it meant, though. "As I am feeling lenient, I shall let you choose between three punishments. The first, and most recommended, is death by guillotine. The second is a battle against all of those in attendance of your trial." The Judge announced.

I snorted. Those two were pretty much the same damn thing. No way was I going to die the day after I get to Equestria. "And the third option?" I asked, and he had obviously hoped I wouldn't. It wasn't leniency, it was apparently tradition to ask this of all confirmed guilty.

"The third option is fif- no, seventy lashes and life in jail." The Judge answered me. Jeez, they wanted me to die no matter what. But at least this one sounded plausible... Take on all of Appleloosa? Alone? Hell no. I'm not that ballsy a motherfucker. Half? Most definitely. Three quarters, yeah, I might. But not the entire fucking town.

I racked my brain, trying to think of some other, fourth option. Maybe there would have been, had there not been such an utter amount of bias in this town. "That is the one I choose, your Honor." Why am I still calling him 'Your Honor'? Cause I'm a fucking gentleman, that's why. If I had that title, deserving of it or not, I'd want people calling me that. He may be a racist prick, and he may not deserve it, but I'm not going to sacrifice my character for cheap insults. He'll get his, the world works that way. Even if I have to do it myself.

The gavel hit wood three times, a symbol of the trial being closed. The bayliff pony announced that court had adjourned, and the ponies filed out. I waited, and watched out the window as a large log was brought out and stood up on it's end. The ponies braced it against falling over, and then hammered a beam across it. A pegasus dropped rope over it, which I assumed was for tying my hands. Then I was led outside, and as I gazed upon the instrument of torture, a black-hooded orange earth pony standing next to it with a whip in his mouth. I felt like I'd seen that particular shade of orange before, but there wasn't much time for thinking as they tied me to the post and gave me a leather-wrapped dowel to bite on.

It appears that there was some slight amount of pity for me, giving me that. I'd need it, that was for sure. I heard the order to begin, and heard the first crack of the whip. It felt as if someone had laid red-hot iron rods across my back. I bit down on the dowel hard, my back arching with the pain. I had to endure seventy of them?! What was I thinking when I agreed to that?

There was no more time for thought as the lashes came again, and again, and again. It felt as if an hour passed between that time and the overseer announced, "Ten." Ten to go, or ten left? Please to Celestia be- Whoosh-crack! The whip again interrupted my thoughts. Another mental hour passed, and he announced "Twenty." Well, that settled tha- Whoosh-crack! Seriously?! Again? Can I no- Whoosh-crack! Okay, now it's just pissi- Whoosh-crack! Okay, fuck it. I'm do- Whoosh-crack!

"Forty." The whipmaster intoned. At the thought of having thirty more to go, still, after what felt like a week of this, I passed out again. My thoughts before passing out this time were ones of pure hatred, directed at the entire town of Appleloosa. This place was going to burn.