Bill Clinton's adventure in Ponyville
Bill Clinton visits Ponyville
“Hey Applejack! You wanna play a game?”
“Sure sugarcube. Not like ah got any stuff on right now anyways.”
“Alright. So the game goes like this: I’ll be using word plays on my name and you have to follow accordingly. Get it? Ok, so here it goes. I’m Rainbow Dash and I love to dash off! Now let’s see how well you can do this.”
“Seriously? Erm… I’m Applejack, and I love to jack… hey!”
Laughter ensued.
“Damn, that’s a good one!” Henry chuckled as he grabbed a fistful of taco-flavoured potato chips.
“Yeah man. That animator is simply divine!” Another brony tried to imitate his imaginary waifu stuck in between his legs.
“Let’s move on to the next video guys. it’s going to be a good one too, but it would never be as good as this one.”
All the bronies attending the meetup nodded in unison.
The brony meetup is held in the mansion every fortnight. Whenever there is a meetup, bronies from all walks of life would come over and have a blast. There are often a great variety of free ciders to choose from, a huge number of high-quality fanfictions to acquire inspiration from and needless to say, an enormous collection of plushies to derive lewd pleasure from. On that day, the bronies were having a fanimation marathon. Most of the faminations were created by a brony youtuber who gained notoriety for his low-quality videos filled with crude jokes and predictable plots. Coincidentally he was also the owner of that particular mansion.
And even more coincidentally, it was at that moment that an animation belonging to the owner of that particular mansion showed up on the screen. Everybody except him let out a collective groan. Not to anyone’s surprise, it was absolutely painful to watch. Shallow plot, hateable protagonist (which happens to be a Mary-Sueish alicorn OC, and hence deserving of the hate). Everything went wrong with this video. Everything.
Just as things couldn’t get any worse, the awful scene ended and was replaced with a horrendous one. The scene goes like this, although it is doubtful that merely words alone could highlight the atrocity of this atrocious scene: Princess Celestia and the protagonist were having a “bathtime” together when at that moment, a human character (the creator of the animation) suddenly jumped in. He started satisfying his greatest desires and lived his fantasy in the bathtub with the two omniscient mares.
Poor Robert could no longer bear to watch this detestable animation. He decided to distract himself from that abomination until the whole thing is over. And what’s a better distraction than having a conversation with his fellow bronies? Well, that is exactly what he did. He peeled his eyes off the screen, turned around, and started talking to the owner of the mansion. “Wow! I never knew you were such a sucker for horsepussy, Clinton.” He mocked with a condescending grin.
Once again, laughter ensued.
It may come off as a surprise for some, if not, most people reading this. As you can see, our beloved former president of the United States, Bill Clinton, is a brony. According to him, his obsession with ponies started after he began to grow sick of his retired life after presidency. With not much to do except golf and occasionally Hillary, Bill has decided to give in to modern technology and venture into the World Wide Web. Coincidentally, it was at that time where the popularity of MLP was at its pinnacle.
After visiting sites such as 4Chan and Knowyourmemes, he was inevitably exposed to the brony culture. However, he was not drawn into the show straight away. In fact, he started off as a hater, trolling /mlp/ threads, spamming brony chat sites with links to nude pictures of Honey Boo Boo’s mom and wasting his time on other obnoxious acts. Soon, he grew tired of it and one day, out of curiosity, he decided to give a show a try. Visiting Ponibooru (now known as DErpibooru) came first in his agenda since it was the most well-known pony site back then. “Hmmm…. Ponies, ponies, more ponies! Oh, and a dragon.” He was utterly unimpressed.
Just then, he noticed the filter option and immediately changed it from “default” to “everything”. He refreshed the page, expecting to be utterly unimpressed once again.
He was utterly impressed.
It was at this moment that an explicit FlutterDash image popped up on the screen. It was not like any other explicit images. It was one of the sexiest and most bonerific explicit image that has ever blessed this site. Fluttershy, bound and gagged, was lying atop Rainbow Dash, also bound and gagged. Their genitals were in close contact and they were positioned in such a way to ensure maximum exposure of their nude bodies to the eyes of horny viewers. Research has proven that it was 100% guaranteed to incite arousal in Bronies. Many of them saw this image at least once and everytime they see it, they either got a massive instant-boner or they were women.
Bill Clinton’s face turned as red as a cherry. He looked down, and was shocked to find out that his usually droopy member has suddenly sprung up and became hard as a rock. Realisation dawned on him as he exclaimed uncontrollably, “OMG! This is so awesome! MLP is the best show ever!” All his life he had been living a lie, having the stubborn thought that he will never be attracted to technicolor equines. That one clop image has proven him wrong. So damn wrong. Suddenly, months of hate-spamming began to appear mindless and idiotic as a new, vibrant future materialised ahead of him. He started surfing deeper and deeper into the website, and was lost in the wonderful world of Equestria. He laughed at funny kiss edits. He masturbated to ponies in suggestive poses. He cringed at gore. He cringed even more at scat and watersports. And finally, he cried when there is no more left to see. On that particular day, the size of his image file increased by 30GB. (And when questioned by Hillary, he told her that he has downloaded an entire midget porn collection on his computer. It was easier to explain.)
And on that particular day, his identity as a brony is permanently sealed…
Now he finally found a purpose in life and also made some friends outside of his political circle. After 3 years he has yet to reveal the secret to Hillary, and he doubts that he would ever do so. That’s okay. It’s less complicated to keep it that way. In fact, everything would be less complicated had he kept his obsession at bay. However, just like so many other bronies that came before him, he failed to do so and eventually, his obsession escalated into an addiction.
One day, he woke up and was shocked to find out that all his pony merchandises were gone. What horror! All the vinyl collections, all the plushies, all the body pillows which he has been humping and making out with every night… Everything was gone.
A distraught Bill was frantically searching for all his prized possessions when he suddenly heard laughter coming from his attic. He quickly grabbed a golf club and stormed towards it, fearing a property invasion.
Swoosh! He violently swung the attic door open. To his surprise there was nothing at all safe for a giant glowing mirror. Actually that was the thing that surprised him. He inched towards the mirror, full of caution. It seems familiar. He suddenly realised that it was the same mirror that teleported Twilight to the human world. He stared in disbelief. His mind was still registering the scene in front of him. Is this is? Is he really going to Equestria? This is the greatest thing ever!
He sprang towards the mirror, full of recklessness.
After seeming like an eternity, he finally landed on hard surface. Surveying the surrounding, he realised that he could easily make out the buildings and their respective owners. He’s in Ponyville! It seems like Equestria do exist after all.
Picking himself up, he started walking towards the town hall, ready to meet the other ponies. He could barely contain his excitement as he conjured up wonderful thoughts of spending time with his “waifus”. While he was stuck in his reverie, He bumped into the 6 most familiar faces of ponyville.
“Damn! Watch where you are going, weirdo! Wait, holy… you’re a human!”
He pulled himself back to Equestria. It was Rainbow Dash! “Rainbow Dash! My favourite pony! I love you so much oh my gosh you are the best at everything!” Bill exclaimed excitedly as he gave the cyan pegasus a giant hug. Rainbow Dash blushed at the compliment she received and tried to hide it, failing horribly.
“So how’s the ride through the portal? Also, I never knew you had a thing for horsepussies. Tee hee!”
“Pinkie Pie! My least favourite pony! I just met you and you are already pissing me off!” He hollered at Pinkie Pie. The pink mare backed away in disgust.
“Gee. What a meanie…”
It was at that moment he realised that he screwed up. The entire mane 6 was scowling at him, annoyed at his random outburst. Awkward.
“Erm… gotta go! I’ll see you guys later!” He resorted to the easiest way to get out of an awkward situation.
“Wow, that human is weird.” Twilight mused. “Wait, how could there be a human in equestria? Are humans not just imaginary characters in the show My Little humans?” She was confused. “Oh no! I better not let all those humanes get close to him. God know what those rabid fanponies would do to this poor guy!” Confusion turns to horror. Indeed, humans in Equestria is pretty rare and such an incident would inevitably result in chaos among humanes. Chaos is the last thing Equestria needs.
Bill was invited to Twilight’s castle to stay for the night. And boy was he an embarrassment to mankind! He jumped on the beds. He oo-ed at the paintings. He aah-ed at the holographic map. He sniffed Twilight’s mane. He then earned himself a kick in the face. Had the humanes been right there, they would have reconsidered their obsessions with humans. The good news is there was only one humane present. The bad news is this humane is not any ordinary fan. She's a fapper.
Twilight has invited Lyra Heartstrings to her castle to make investigations on Bill. Lyra Heartstrings is a human specialist and knows more about this mysterious creature than every other ponies in Equestria. Her obsession with humans is well-known across Ponyville. Hence, it did not come off as a surprise when upon hearing the news of a human appearing in Equestria, she reacted with as much stupidity as a Bill Clinton reacting to Twilight’s castle.
When Bill Clinton entered the castle, she had the utmost difficulty to resist herself from running toward him and giving him a big hug or maybe caressing his hand. However, after witnessing his embarrassing overreactions, resisting this temptation wasn’t that hard after all. Sure, he might be a human. Probably the first and last human to enter Equestria. But then again he has absolutely no charm to be obsessed over with. I mean, sure people love ponies. But you wouldn’t make out with Granny Smith if given the chance to, would you?
“Yo what’s your name dawg?” She asked, her monotonous voice devoid of emotion. He was the greatest disappointment in her life ever. She has always expected humans to be better than that.
“Name’s Bill Clinton. Wait, ain’t you Lyra?”
She froze momentarily. Did that human just call himself Bill Clinton? Turning towards Twilight, she whispered, “go to another room. Just the two of us. I got something interesting to share with you.”
When they entered another room, Lyra promptly shut the door tight. “Oh my god! Do you know who that person is? He was once the president of the United States!” She squeed, unable to control herself. “Erm… President of what?” Twilight asked with confusion.
“Well sort of like the human equivalent of Princess Celestia.” Explained Lyra. Twilight squeed.
“Oh my! This is amazing! We’re going to learn so much from this human! Come, Lyra, no time to waste. We are about to get as much information on him as possible," Twilight grabbed Lyra by the hoof. She then stopped momentarily, remembering the flashback of his first meeting with the mane 6. “Erm… are you sure Lyra? If he was the former president of the United States, why does he act so much like a fool. And why is he so disrespectful to other ponies.”
“Well, apparently he is also a brony.”
“A what now?”
Twilight was interrupted by the sudden outbursts coming from Bill.
“Oh my gosh!! This is so awesome!! I’m going to live with all these beautiful ponies, oh yeah!! This is it man, this is it!! I’m having the time of my life here, and no one will be able to stop me!!” Bill shouted with exuberance. He could no longer control his joy and had to let it out loud, much to his embarrassment and the others' as well.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Brony is the human equivalent of a humane,” Lyra added.
“Ahh, I see. It all makes sense now.”
